ex-kris-opap-blog

[bonetrousledbones]

getting a sudden resurgence of art motivation is such a blessing and a curse tbh. bc on one hand im drawing a lot and having a lotta fun doing so but on the other hand i wanted to make Even More secret stuff for atbb that requires drawing so i told myself i would make a few very sketchy things that would have to be quick and don't have to be Insane Awesome Quality since they'll be blurry as hell in the final product anyway and i have like less than a week / a couple days at most to get it all ready in time

so anyways now it's 3am and i just finished the first of what i still want to do after 3 days

[sapphybandit]

CW vent on creative pursuits & mental health

Lately, I'm feeling so overwhelmed and yet also like I'm not doing enough at the same time. I've got like 4 personal projects I'm trying to work on but I don't really feel like I'm doing enough?

Or more like, I don't really know what I'm doing, but, I know no one ever really does.

But all of those projects were pursued with the intent to enable me to have a creative form of expression. To fight against this deeply rooted notion that my place is in the background and I deserve to be quiet, and silent.

I have worlds I want to build, stories to tell, I have people I want to help with my own learned experience and resources. I want to act, I want to exist, and not just be some name on a list. I feel compelled to make something because I *feel* it inside wanting to come out, I just, don't know how.

And fuck, I know with a bit of honing of my skills there's *something* there that's gonna really have an impact. The problem is just figuring out....what that is. I do a lot of things pretty decently that have made a difference in a few folks, but I can't seem to...focus on anything enough to refine it further.

Live streaming is going well enough, I think? People seem to love my voice and my charm, and it introduces folks to new games while raising money for charity. Not a lot of money, but some. But I only seem to have time to stream once a week, and it takes a lot of energy to be "On" for so long.

There's voice acting for a NSFW animation because I know I have "that voice" and it might be fun to see people's reactions when its all done. But at the same time that kinda feeds into the whole "meat market" mentality that im not super fond of. I already have been pursued, used, and abused because of my looks, and I'm afraid of my voice contributing to people not seeing *me*, but just the hot girl they wanna fuck.

There's indie game work for a beautiful queer story, and I want so desperately to see it ship, but I've never had so much responsibility before. I keep finding myself paralyzed when I think about how much work will have to go into this "small" game, over years. I worry about letting the other devs down, even though they have told me its okay if i never contribute to the game. I just wish I had more time, or energy to really write some awesome code, but its so hard after spending 8 hours during the day juggling meetings and design docs and obtuse code bases. Its hard to code more after coding all day, even if the mind is willing, the body ain't moving.

And then it all goes back to personal art. It seems simple, self reliant, no pressures. But there's so much emotional baggage I still push thru left from folks no longer in my life, like it took me hours for me to soothe myself enough to just open CSP for the first time this year. Trying not to trauma dump, but, fuck I've just been through a lot, I've been treated terribly before, and unfortunately the pursuit of art was tied closely to those events and those traumas.

The issue now, though, is more of what I had before the incident, where I have the vision of the art piece in my head, but my hands and my technical knowledge aren't far enough to actually make the piece. Its like seeing a finished game, wanting to make your own, but not knowing how to navigate a game engine. I know I have things to learn, but I struggle with identifying the what.

And I just get overwhelmed. Then my attention swaps to another venture, makes a few steps, and I get overwhelmed again. It doesn't feel like I'm going anywhere or accomplishing anything.

I think I'm seeing a lot of paths I can take but I see the length of each path on the grand scale, and it makes it hard for me to just stick to one and identify first, little steps.

Worst part is I know so much of this is a problem of my own creation lol. No one is making me do this! I can totally just, work and vibe and play games and kiss girls and be fine. But fuck, I want more, and I wanna make something. I don't even really care if it has a big or small impact, I just can't let life pass by constantly being a....small silent pushover. Im not that type of fuckin person. Im no ones arm candy, or wallet, or fuck toy. Im not gonna let anyone control me like that ever again.

My beauty, my worth, is my mind and its words. And I'll find a way to let it speak, and thrive, and blossom. To fully claim my identity, my personality, and let it be seen and heard.

I don't know how, but I'll figure out something. I'll figure out my forward.

[sunnydaisy1]

Arts and Crafts

SAM WILSON X READER

A/N: there is not enough sam fics on tumblr so here I am. I haven’t edited this i am too tired for life right now. Also please send me requests for marvel especially peter parker, sam wilson, bucky, steve and scott.

You yawned as you walked into the main kitchen and living area the avengers shared. Tony had sent a message round to everyone telling them to gather here and considering that the time was 7 o'clock in the morning you weren't best pleased. Nat was leaning against one of the counters and snorted at your sleepy expression as you walked past her to the coffee machine. You glared at her and returned to your coffee making, rubbing your eyes as the machine started pouring caffeine into your mug. Once the steaming beverage was done, you sleepily dragged yourself to the breakfast bar and plopped down into one of the stools. At that moment, Steve, Sam and Bucky entered the room, obviously having just finished a group workout as they were all freshly showered and wafting man smell everywhere. You rolled your eyes at their annoyingly energetic selves and sipped your coffee. When Sam noticed your slumped form at the bar he smiled softly and walked over to you, scooting into the seat next to you and reaching out to take a sip of your coffee. Unfortunately for you, you were too late to prevent the smirking soldier from slurping a large proportion of your beverage. You grumbled and glared at Sam who passed you back your mug with a cheeky grin. "You look cheery this morning." He said, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning onto the counter. "Well sorry mr early bird but some of us don't appreciate being woken up at the crack of dawn for a meeting stark called and hasnt even turned up for yet." You snarked back, causing a chuckle to fall from Sam, "It's quarter past 7 love, dawn was 3 hours ago." You glared at him for what felt the 100th time that morning and felt a small heat rise to your face as you saw the obnoxiously handsome smirk Sam held on his face and the way his biceps were bulging as they leaned on the bar top. "Same thing." You mumbled, draining the last drops of your coffee. Tony walked in and Steve grumbled a 'finally' as you all turned your attention to the billionaire carrying some pastries. He dumped them in front of you and Sam and you both instantly reached in to pull out breakfast. "What's this all about then Stark?" Sam asked as he chewed on his pecan twist. "Ive gathered you all here because we have got a charity event today for some of the schools in the area. You all will be hosting an activity for the kids. We have 2 hours until they all arrive." You grimaced as you vaguely remembered Tony mentioning the charity event a few weeks back but you had been so busy on missions recently you had forgotten. Judging by the similar looks on the teams' faces around the room, you gathered that the event had also slipped their minds. "So... Steve and Bucky you will be hosting the self defense taster down in the gym, a few agents will also be down there to ensure you aren't teaching them anything too aggressive..." Tony continued to list off everyone in the room and ticked off his checklist, "Okay and finally, Wilson and Agent L/N will be hosting arts and crafts in the downstairs hall." At once Sam spoke up, "wait why have I got stuck with arts and crafts?" You chuckled at his distraught expression, he obviously thought he was above painting and colouring. "Why you scared of a lil glitter Sammy?" You giggled and he glared at you, hating the effect that nickname had on him. "No...I just think my talents lie elsewhere." He replied causing you to snort. "Well suck it up Wilson." Tony replied and you saw Bucky and Steve wetting themselves on the other side of the room. Sam had obviously noticed too as he had a huge frown on his face and was scowling at them. "Alright everybody go get ready, all your supplies should be in the rooms already. And remember, 2 hours until they arrive." You sighed and stood up, placing your mug in the dishwasher. Sam was waiting by the door, and you nudged him as you both walked out, "Come on Wilson, cheer up, your stuck with me for 6 hours." Sam groaned and rolled his eyes, "Oh great." When you both reached the room, your eyes widened when you looked at the large pile of boxes brimming with craft supplies stacked in the middle of the room. "Jeeezz." Sam breathed out, walking over to inspect the mountain. You both opened the cardboard box lids and scanned the supplies, "Where do we even start?" You asked, baffled at the amount Tony had ordered. "Guess we just start with one box and empty them until it's all set up." Sam replied and you nodded, tying your hair up into a ponytail. Almost 2 hours later, the room had been transformed into a neatly organised explosion with paint, pencils, glitter glue and many other supplies on each table. "Okay, we have 5 minutes until the kiddos arrive." Sam stated, checking the watch on his wrist. "Cool, I'm gonna grab us some water and snacks from the kitchen. Try not to break anything while I'm gone." You teased and Sam playfully rolled his eyes, "Alright." When you arrived back into the room, arms loaded with bags of snacks, you immediately laughed at how awkward Sam looked surrounded by little kids all badgering him with questions. You quickly distributed the food into one of the empty cardboard boxes in the corner and walked over to Sam, giggling at his wide eyed expression of fear. "Hey everyone!" You said loudly, gathering all the little kids attentions, "I'm Y/N and this is Sam. We are gonna be doing arts and crafts with you today, how does that sound?" At once all the children cheered and you glanced at Sam who stood in awe and fear. "Okay then, lets all sit down at a table and we can start." The kids all ran to a chair and you walked over to Sam, "you okay Sammy?" He nodded slowly, "I don't know what I'm meant to do, they're so small." You chuckled and took his hand in yours, dragging him over to a table. "It'll be fine just relax, they can smell fear," You whispered. Soon, each child was creating some sort of masterpiece and you were sitting with a small group of kids who were colouring. "Wow Amy I love your dog it looks awesome." You commented, making the shy little girl beam. "Thankyou." She replied and you smiled, carrying on colouring a picture you had attempted to draw of an elephant. Glancing up to check on Sam, you looked to see he had a girl sat on his thigh as they both coloured something. You felt your heart begin to swell and butterflies fill your stomach as you watched the adorable scene. The girl was happily chatting away to Sam and he was nodding, laughing every so often and replying to many of the kids around the table. "Could you please pass me the green?" Tom asked, one of the boys sitting opposite Sam. "Yep, there you go." the soldier replied and Tom thanked him before returning to his drawing. The little girl sat on Sam's thigh tapped his arm and he looked down to her, "I want to give this to my Mum when I go home." Gracie said and Sam nodded, "that's very nice of you." Gracie blushed a little and grinned, "you should give your drawing to Y/N, then she could put it on her fridge like my mummy does." Sam glanced down at the image Gracie had drawn of Sam and you together that he was colouring. "I don't know about that..." He said and Gracie frowned, "you should give it to her and then she'll want to marry you and stick all your drawings on the fridge." Sam choked on his air a little, "why would she want to marry me because I gave her our picture?" Gracie sighed as if Sam had just asked the most obvious question there was, "because she loves you." "What? No she doesn't Gracie." Sam replied and Gracie shook her head, "Mummy told me when people love each other very much they look at each other in a special way and you and Y/N look at each other like that." Sam gaped at the little smiling girl on his lap and struggled to form any words at how outright she was being, "Oh urh no I dont think so." Gracie then giggled and said, "Plus Y/N was looking at your bum earlier so she definitely wants to marry you." Sam felt heat rise to his face and Gracie shrugged, not phased at all by their conversation. The pair continued to colour together and the topic quickly changed to the pasta Gracie had eaten last night for dinner. When the last few kids were leaving the craft room as it had eventually reached 3pm, you sighed and groaned at the mess of glitter and pens all around you. "I do not want to clear this up." You stated and Sam nodded, standing up from his chair, "Neither, I never knew kids could be this messy." You chuckled and glanced at the soldier walking towards you, instantly breaking out into laughter when you noticed the large red streak of paint across his cheek. At once Sam frowned and stopped next to you, "What?" You giggled and wiped your thumb across his cheek, showing him the red paint he had somehow managed to acquire. "Oh..." Sam said, rubbing the paint with the back of his hand but managing to just smudge it more. You chuckled and shook your head, "Sorry Sammy but your just making it worse." He huffed in frustration and put his hand down, giving up with cleaning his face, "Oh well, I'll wash it off later." Eventually, the room was turned back into a presentable state with only specks of glitter littered across the floor that you knew would be impossible to remove. You yawned and walked to the entrance, followed closely by Sam who turned the light off. "Im exhuasted." He said, trying to stifle a yawn. "Me too, I'm gonna head up for a shower." You replied and Sam nodded, "Alright, I'll see you later, chinese for dinner." You softly smiled and both walked to your seperate rooms, ready to wash off the paint and glitter encrusted into your skin. When you had given up on trying to remove all the glitter from your hair in the shower, you headed into your room and huddled under your duvet, wanting to catch up on some netflix before dinner. A knock at the door interrupted your series selection and you looked up to see Sam standing at your door, a small smile on his face. "Hey y/n." He said, closing the door behind him. "Hey Sammy, did you need anything?" You asked, confused why he looked so nervous. "Oh uh no, I just wanted to give you something." He replied, walking closer to you as you stood up and put your laptop on your cabinet. "Oh okay." You said, smiling under Sam's soft gaze. He handed you a sheet of paper and you frowned in confusion before turning it over and giggling. Sam rubbed the back of his neck nervously watching your eyes scan the drawing Gracie and him had made. "I know its stupid but I wanted you to have it." Sam said quietly and you looked up at his shy smile, "I love it." You grinned and he seemed to let out a breath of relief, "you can stick it on your fridge." You chuckled and rubbed your thumb over the drawing of you and sam standing together. "Thanks Sammy." The aforementioned soldier felt heat rise to his face and saw your eyes flick down to his lips. "Uh I should probably find Nat... see what she urm wants for dinner." You said awkwardly, trying not to focus on the way Sam was chewing his lip and the tight grey shirt he was wearing that unfairly showed off his chiselled chest and arms. "Oh right." Sam nodded, seeming to break out of a trance and opened your door, "I'll uh see you later yeah?" You nodded and he stepped out, looking at you one last time and giving you a small smile before disappearing down the corridor. You looked down at the drawing in your hand again and groaned, heart and muscles aching for you to run after the tall man and press your lips against his. Instead, you shut you door and walked to Nats room. When you knocked on her door, the red haired agent opened it with a knowing smirk on her face. "What's Wilson done now?" She asked and you groaned, stepping in to her room. You held out the drawing he gave you and Nat scanned it quickly before looking up at you in confusion. "Why have you got a drawing of you and Sam?" She asked, frowning. "He gave it to me." You sighed, causing Nat to laugh. "He gave it to you?" You nodded and Nat grinned, "wow he is so in love with you." You rolled your eyes at her sarcasm, "Wow thanks Nat. But seriously how am I meant to refrain from jumping his ass when he keeps doing adorable stuff like this?" Nat laughed and handed you back the paper, "You just need to go and tell him or you'll spend the rest of your lives dancing around each other and not doing anything about it." You sighed, "I know. But what if he doesnt like me back then I've just screwed up our friendship and the team dynamic." Nat nodded sympathetically, "I know it's scary but come on that man loves you to death and somehow everyone but you can see it." You looked down at the drawing again and nodded, "Fine, but if i end up dying on the spot from embarrassment after his rejection I'm blaming you." Nat rolled her eyes and pushed you out the door, shouting a 'good luck.' You nervously walked down the corridor and up the short staircase to the kitchen. Sam was leaning against the table, looking at something on his phone with a frown. Your heart instantly sped up and stomach did a hundred flips. You walked softly into the shared dining area and coughed lightly. At once, Sam looked up and smiled. "Urm I uh need to tell you something." You nervously stuttered, avoiding looking into his deep eyes. "Oh okay." Sam said, mind instantly running with negative ideas that you were hurt or he had done something wrong. "I urm well I... I think that you're urm." You looked up at him and his concerned eyes met yours. "Please could you uh turn around." Sam's face flitted with confusion, "wait what?" "I urm I cant talk with you looking at me like that." You said and Sam frowned but turned around. "Okay." He softly said, and you scanned his form, trying to build up the courage to tell him. "I guess I well I just want to say that I think you're the most lovely person in the world and I dont think that I could live without you Sam. You make me feel so comfortable and calm me down when I feel like the world is collapsing on me. You never fail to make me smile and I feel like the room lights up when you walk in. I love how kind and sweet you are to everyone but also how you make the stupidest jokes in the world and laugh your head off. I'm in love with you Sam and want to spend the rest of my life with you." You looked up to see Sam turning around to face you. You couldnt bear to meet his eye, knowing any possible friendship was now gone. A soft hand touched your cheek and lifted your head up, making your teary gaze meet his. "I'm in love with you too Y/N and I never want to leave your side." Sam pressed his lips against yours softly, making your heart stutter with happiness. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed your body against his, deepening the kiss as his hands squeezed your hips tightly. "Hey sam whens the chinese.... oh." Bucky said, his voice trailing off when he saw his best friend passionately kissing you. He wolf-whistled and chuckled, "Took you guys long enough." Sam broke apart from your lips, resting his forehead against yours, "Fuck off Buck." Bucky sniggered and walked out the kitchen again, hand raised in surrender. You opened your eyes to see Sam looking at you, "I love you." You spoke softly, "I love you too" before pressing your lips against his again and smiling into the kiss.

[fullwets]

shoeydaniel's top works of 2020 ❤️

I was tagged by my dearest darling @captainfuu like . two entire months ago. and by the literal MVP of this hellsite, @eight-hearts, today 🙈 thank you both so much!

i’ll tag @pierreswrists @pierrelli @jeeperslatifi @estebanoconz bc i am a massive fan of all of ur work. only if you want to! grrrr i was gonna tag everyone first but then i procrastinated and now everyone’s done it already

Rules: It’s time to love yourself. Choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world. Tag as many writers/artist/etc. you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works! 

5. over the last ~14 months or so I’ve started drawing again!! Literally while procrastinating for finals I drew Harry Styles in the margins of my class reading and was like “oh shit i can draw?” The rest is history. I am going to cheat and include multiple drawings as one entry on this list kjhdksjhd. Here’s my F1-related sketch dump

4. in the same vein - here’s another, non-f1 sketch dump

side note: I have nicknamed this era of my drawings “The PearsonVUE.com/Military Collection” bc i was trying to use up a stack of branded post-its from my dad’s old employer 💀 rip pearsonvue postits. im so glad we finally ran out bc there were like 500 of those bitches.

3. all my heart finds true

long story short @pierreswrists wrote something in the tags of a reblog that inspired me, and I said we should turn it into a fic together, so we wrote a fic about love letters and crossing an ocean to be with someone you love, and then I had to take a break from writing said fic bc I was falling for her and i didn’t want to associate us with maxiel, and here we are four months later, in a relationship. It’s embarrassing. Anyway. I’m proud of what we made! And it was very very cool to create something collaboratively.

2. yellow, yellow, gold, and ochre

My precious, precious, horror fic! I call this one “savior pierre” in my head, and it was entirely inspired by the events of Monza 2020, and it’s gen (yay for being a Normal Human Being), and it made N compliment me and now we’re friends!!!! Eeeee! Writing horror was actually very fun and I hope I do it again some day.

1. Heels turned black

despite the fact that i no longer produce maxiel in any form, i am still SO fucking proud of this fic. I made friends through this, I entered the F1 fandom through this, and most importantly, it’s my favorite piece of writing I’ve ever completed. I love the way I wrote it, I was blown away by the response people had, it felt so satisfying to complete. I don’t think there’s much else to say. J once made a post about how much she loved it that I still have saved in my drafts to this day. L left me not one but several essay-length comments filled with red-gold emoji that made me gasp when i received them. S read it immediately after she was released from the hospital and now we’re girlfriends. htb really truly is the culmination of my year.

[gazeboarcade]

Where, besides Tumblr, can people find you doing fannish things? (Obviously only mention sites and usernames you actually want to be found at. Don’t expose your secret identities on my account.)

What other names have you gone by on these platforms, including Tumblr, if any?

When did you join the IT fandom? And what got you into fandom, to begin with?

What are your favorite ships, or characters, if any, and why? What do they mean to you?

In what ways do you participate in fandom? (ex. Posting memes, reblogging/commenting on content, writing fanfic, making fanart, creating fanmixes, etc.)

Do you have any in-fandom inspirations? Other members of the community that drive you? (And if you have the time/energy, in what ways do they inspire you?)

Name and link some of your favorite works, please!

Do you have any works of your own that you feel particularly proud of, or wish more people would’ve consumed? Please provide links if possible.

Have you ever participated in a fannish event (ie. IT Week, a fic Big Bang) or applied to be a part of a fanzine? If so, which ones, and can you please link them?

Without any form of bashing or lashing out, what is something you feel this fandom is missing?

GOSH this is a lot of questions, lemme give it my best shot.

1.) I sometimes still post art on my art instagram, but I prefer not to cross the beams of that and my tumblr so much. If someone rlly wants the handle tho, feel free to ask. 

2.) If this means like...nicknames, too many to count. One of my first URLs was something like “pensword,” which was a reference to Percy Jackson!

3.) I was KINDA in it in 2017 when the first movie came out, but it didn’t hold my attention too much. In September 2020, I really got into IT, tho! I got into it because I realized it was coming up on a year since I saw the second one in theaters (during a wind advisory night in the city I go to college, on Halloween). For a couple of silly reasons (my ex belittling IT a little and me being weirdly internalized homophobic abt it) I was scared to enjoy it publicly haha

4.) My favorite ship in the fandom, ofc, is Reddie! I am kinda basic so I also really think Ben and Bev are sweet. I also really liked Patty and Stan together in the book... they were so achingly sweet together that the bath chapter made me cry for a HOT MINUTE.

Richie is my all time favorite character for reasons I could probably write like 50 pages on! Some of those reasons are like super-duper personal lol so I pull punches on just dumping them on my blog haha! I just really really related to him for a lot of reasons (the humor coping mechanism and the werewolf thingy, to name a couple) so it was only natural I latched onto that boy and went full send kinnie moment!

Eddie is my second favorite bc I love him and wanted the best for him (I don’t want to start disc horse on tumblr, but my gf and I have schemed abt who should have kicked it at the end and it ain’t him). I also have a soft spot for kid Ben in the book, bc I really thought he was a sweetheart (I mean, cmon, walking around whispering Bev’s name? Adorable! Hiding away in libraries? Relatable!)

5.) I’ve done a bunch of stuff! This blog has a ton of IT content. I have made a bunch of fan art (most of which hasn’t been posted sdjbvkdsjbvk). I have written a couple fanfics (a finished oneshot and one unfinished longer one that will...probably stay that way). I have a reddie playlist on spotify, too.

6.) There’s been a few people who’ve done some IT stuff I’ve really liked! Uhh @stitchyarts  wrote some fics and has done some beautiful art to go with it that I really liked!! @skelesocks did some HELLA charming art, tho is now mostly Queen blog. No shade there, I have a Queen blog, too, lol. Ask for the URL if you want it. Both of them focused on the miniseries tho.

There’s a couple artists who have done Reddie stuff I have really liked, too, which is super inspiring. here’s a few of those: @trashcanprince @mxgicdave @meowsteryyy ..... tbh fave IT blog of all time tho has to be my gf, em, @dr-kaspbrakmd , bc she got me full swing obsessing and also it was a big bonding thing for us early into the relationship *pauses for crowd to say AWWWWW*

7.) Assuming this means fanfics, like I said, a lot of Stitchy’s works, especially Tinted Windows and TV Guides (which now i rlly want to re-read lol). I kinda have a hard time with fanfic reading bc im picky and sometimes it’s better to daydream my own stories. The other Reddie fics I’ve liked will make yall get the shepherd’s hook and yoink me off stage for public indecency for sure so I’m gonna leave that to ur imagination <3

8.) I feel positively heinous and pick-me trying to get ppl to read my old reddie fics that I wrote during the crushing weight of crippling lonliness so no. they r also not rlly that good so you’re welcome <3

9.) No actually! I have thought about it. I have also schemed the idea of starting my own reddie zine and being super choosey about who gets in but that’s just me wanting to curate content I like lollll.

10.) uhhh decorum, understanding of complex relationships/emotional situations, and the common sense not to fetishize gay men <3 that sounds rlly snotty but there’s some activity tm in this fandom that yucks me out big time. Also, I wish more ppl would have seen the miniseries/read the book but that’s just me being choosy.

Anyways, I’ve been running my mouth for WAY too long but I hope this answers the questions you had good enough!! Thanks for asking!!

[patchdotexe]

explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

[jovishark]

Have you totally abandoned South Park? I would understand if you did, but I would miss your art, it was very refreshing :,(

i guess the soft answer would be no? im not abandoning it as a whole but right now im just kind of taking a break to do stuff that makes me happy. i got brave enough to post about homestar runner so ive been doing that and most of the stuff i watch isnt really even sp-adjacent anymore. im just not as into the gross “humor” anymore and at the moment id rather watch a cartoon that doesnt make me think about current events or politics or anything. 

plus, my tumblrs been kind of dead even when i do post art, and it gets even worse reception on twitter. i dont want to spend the time on art or aus that make me anxious because im Waiting for someone to bitch about me to a confession blog, or tweet examples of my art like ‘lmao cringe yikes’

i know thats all me getting in my own head and people do like what i do but i dunno, the proof is in the pudding i guess. ive seen some shit in this fandom and the way people treat the artists and writers now isnt what i want to be around. id rather make content for cartoons i like better and be able to defend myself if i get made fun of instead of Sighing and saying i know, yeah, i also dont want me to be doing what im doing

thank you very much though!! thats really nice to hear. ive put tons of time and effort into the south park stuff ive already done (SIX YEARS OF EFFORT) so im  not just gonna dump it, but for the time being, ive just shifted my focus.

[trashcanband4]

The Loser

Imagine Daryl getting mad when Negan takes a liking to you.

Title: The loser. Warnings: None. Pairing: Darylxreader. Word count: 2,844. Setting: Alexandria a few months after Negan get’s put into the cell.

You had been the one caring for Negan for a few months now and while you still hated the guy with everything in you for the most part the exchanges between you had been pleasant. Yes he was a horrible, heinous human being and he didn’t have a heart, but you did. And it made it hard to see a human being locked behind bars for forever. He wasn’t even allowed to walk around outside in the fresh air. Even the most evil of animals didn’t deserve to be locked up for forever. If a dog bit a human it was most commonly understood that the dog was just be shot. Wasn’t Negan just a human version of a rabid dog with rabies? Why didn’t the council just kill him like they would a rabid dog?

So you hated going down to that dim dirty basement and seeing the down-in-the-dumps man three times a day. You hated that you pitied him. “Hi.” You chimed as you walked in with a paper plate containing a sandwich and a bottle of water.

“Ah, y/n, my favorite person. What’s for lunch today? Please tell me it’s not another grilled eggplant. That shit sucked ass.” He said with a slight lean back where he had moved to stand at the bars next to the tray slot.

“Egg, avocado and lettuce sandwich.” You said as you handed him the plate through the slot.

You could tell he was about to complain, but when his eyes caught yours he smiled and took the plate out of your hand. “Thanks.”

“You’re allowed to complain you know. Lord knows I would be if I were in there.” You said as you sat down in the chair that sat against the stone wall in the room.

“If you were in here with me? Na I don’t think you’d be doin’ much complainin’.” When you looked up from the sketch pad in your hands he winked at you. You felt a blush warm your cheeks as you moved your eyes back down to the sketch pad. It was also your job to sketch views of the towns for documentation and proof that there were settlements in this crazy world. You planned on scattering them out over the settlements just incase something happened they all wouldn’t get ruined if a building or two ended up getting set on fire. You wanted your art to be left behind for future generations to see when you were long gone.

Negan laughed, apparently able to see the pink tint that his comment brought to your face. “What are you doin’ over there?” he asked with a nod to the pad as he chewed on a bite of his sandwich.

“Michonne has given me the task of sketching different parts of Alexandria.” you said as you sketched one of the bars of the cell, not yet working on Negan himself.

“And I’m part of Alexandria?” he asked with a hint of surprise in his voice.

“Well right now it’s just your cell, but be nice to me and maybe I’ll put you in the drawing.”

“Oh, I’ll be nice.” Once again his tone made you blush, but you bit your lips closed and focused on your work. He chuckled quietly to himself. It was quiet for a while, the whole time his eyes were on you, but you only looked up to take in the details of the room and not the man in it. “Tell me, you got a guy up there on the surface?” he motioned to the window where you could see peoples feet as they walked around outside.

“No.” you answered not looking at him.

“So you and Daryl…?” he asked waiting for you to finish his sentence.

“You know it’s really hard to concentrate with you talking.” You said looking up from the paper to finally look at him.

“You said be nice.” He pointed out making you scowl.

“Fine then be quiet and I’ll consider drawing you in.” You snapped and he just smiled.

“So you do like Daryl?” he said through his smile and you bit your lip as you got back to work. It was once again quiet for a few minutes as you finished up the outline of the cell behind the bars that you had drawn. It was time to decide if you were going to sketch Negan into the cell. “Daryl’s an idiot you know. If we were back at the sanctuary I would’ve already asked you to marry me.”

You had been looking down at your pad, but when he said that you couldn’t help glaring up at him through your lashes. “What?” you had no clue why this was the word that you chose to let past your lips but it made Negan flash a big smile and in that moment you found yourself understanding why the women who agreed to be his wife had done so.

“Come on, you’re hot and you know it.” You had never thought of yourself as hot even once in your life. “If we were back at the sanctuary and you were alone, no Daryl, none of your people there to take care of you, no knowledge of the events that landed me here, what would you say to my proposal?”

You closed the book and hugged it to your chest as you glared at him and thought about your answer. If the circumstances were what he just described to you…? You started actually considering it. He wasn’t unattractive. Actually he was pretty damn hot. From what you had heard none of his brides went without and he wasn’t mean to them. The only down side was that you would have to share him. That in and of it’s self was a deal breaker.

“No.” you answered.

“Seriously?” he asked with his signature lean back. You didn’t answer and just watched as he grabbed the paper plate and held it out for you through the slot.

You set the pad on the floor and got up to take the plate from him. “Yeah, seriously.” You answered as you grabbed the plate.

“Why not?” he asked as he grabbed your hand through the slot and flipped it over in his. You dropped the plate on the outside of his cell. You could have taken your hand back. It was just sitting in his, but his sudden action had stunned you. Your eyes moved to his hazels stunning you even more. You saw his body move as he lifted his other hand and started drawing on the palm of your hand with the tip of his pointer finger. “You know I would take care of you.”

Little did you know that Daryl had walked by and heard Negan talking to someone in a flirtatious tone. So he leaned down and peered through the window.

You inhaled a deep breath and let it out, hating how good Negan’s touch felt. “I don’t share.” You said as you took your hand from his. As soon as the warmth was gone you felt yourself sobering up from the daze hisintimacy had put you in.

“Well, good news, I’m single.” He said and you shook your head and turned your back on him to bend down and pick up your drawing pad. “Damn.” He sighed shaking his head as he took in your ass that you had pointed right at him without thinking about it. You stood up and spun around quickly. “You have the keys, why don’t you come inside and let me show you how much I appreciate that fine ass of yours?”

After he asked that you heard the basement door open and Daryl came charging in. “Daryl?” you asked in confusion as he came rushing in looking pissed. “I thought you were out on a run, what are you doin’ here?” you asked in confusion as he stomped over and grabbed you by your upper arm.

“Yeah, Daryl, what are you doin’ here?” Negan echoed your question sarcastically.

“Come on, you’re done here.” Daryl started pulling you from the cell and you willingly followed. He didn’t let go of you until you were outside and then it was like he practically threw you away from him.

“What the hell is your problem Daryl?” you asked looking up at him with creased brows.

“What’s my problem?” he asked back at you. “What the hell is wrong with you, letting him touch you like that?” he growled, practically yelling at you.

You felt yourself deflate and crossed your arms over your chest, covering it with your drawing pad. You felt a tear run down your face from how he treated you and you turned away from him and started toward your house. You weren’t going to argue with him about this in the middle of the street. As you passed one of the windows of the cell you saw Negan looking up at you. You rolled your eyes and kept walking.

You weren’t aware that Daryl was following you untill you went inside and tried to shut the door behind you only for it to hit him. You turned around, stunned that he was there. “Are you gonna answer me?” he asked slamming the door behind him.

“No.” your quick answer only seemed to make him madder. “I don’t think I have to explain myself to you.”

“You seriously think he likes you? He’s playing head games with you.” Daryl glared down at you and tapped your temple with his middle finger.

You slapped him away. “You don’t think I know that?!” you yelled up at him “Regardless of what you think I’m not stupid.” You walked into the kitchen to get yourself a drink.

“I know you’re not.” Daryl almost yelled as he followed you to the kitchen. “You’re the smartest fuckin’ woman I know! That’s why I’m pissed that you let ‘im lay his grubby hand on ya! It looked like you were enjoying it!” you just pored yourself a glassed of water and took a sip as he yelled at you. “He’s a fuckin’ monster and you looked like you were ready to fuck ‘im. I’d expect it from another woman, but you?” his yelling was starting to get under your skin and make your blood boil. “Why-”

Finally you couldn’t take it anymore and placed your palms on the bar as you leaned across it at him “Because it felt good to be wanted!” your yelled words finally shut him up. He just stared at you and the tears that had started slipping down your cheeks. “No man has even given me a second look since the world fell, so excuse the fuck out of me for having a moment of weakness.” You grabbed your cup of water and walked out of the kitchen and to your room where you slammed the door behind you.

You sat down at your desk and took a few deep breaths to calm yourself. After you calmed down you decided that the future generations needed to know that even after the era of civilization fell putting people in prison was still something that worked. So you started sketching Negan by memory. You had just finished what you could when you heard a knock on your bedroom door.

As soon as you opened the door Daryl took a step toward you, grabbed your face in his hands and pressed his lips to yours. You stumbled back from the force but your lips remained together and he kicked the door shut behind him. Daryl didn’t know how to say that he had not only given you a second look, but about a thousand since he’d first met you at hilltop. So he decided to show you.

The two of you walked backwards stumbling around the room like a couple of idiots until you felt Daryl hit something and he fell down to sit on your bed breaking the kiss. He placed his hands on your hips and looked at you. It was weird that all he had to do was squint up at you for you to see that it hurt him when he saw you letting Negan touch you. Even if it was just your hand. You reached out and ran your hand through his soft hair, pushing it out of his face. He let his head fall forward to rest on your stomach. You just rested your hands on the back of his neck and played with his long hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you…” What, liked you? Wanted you? What exactly was it that was going on right now?

He picked his head up and looked up at you. “I didn’t either. Not until I saw…” he didn’t finish his sentence and when his eyes grew dark he didn’t have to.

“Negan made you jealous?” you asked. He nodded and pulled your hips toward him, silently asking you to come closer. So you moved to straddle his lap. He slid his hands up your back making you sigh before your lips met again. The two of you made out like a couple of teenagers for ten minutes before you broke apart for a breather. “This is nice.” You said from where you lay with your head on Daryl’s shoulder while your hands traced the lines of his abs. He picked your hand up and placed his palm against yours, comparing the sizes of your hands. “I don’t want to ruin the moment or anything, but I have to know…what does this mean for us?” you felt his head turn to look at you so you looked up at him.

“What do ya mean?” he asked and you shrugged.

“I mean, are we still just friends, friends with benefits or…are we something more?” you asked sliding your hand that was still pressed against his to the side to lace your fingers together. “I guess I’m asking you to put a label on us.”

Daryl hummed and turned his eyes back to your hands. You did to and you watched as he grabbed your right hand and pulled a ring off that you always wore on your right ring finger. You wanted to ask what he was doing, but you just watched. He picked up your left hand and placed it on your left ring finger. Butterflies started soaring in your stomach and flew up to your chest. “Not askin’ ya to marry me. It’s just there to hold the place if we ever decide to tie the knot one day.” He said and you turned your eyes to his and smiled broadly. He smiled back before another makeout session ensued.

“Wow, I’m surprised Daryl let you come back down here after the way he pulled you out of here yesterday.” Negan said when you walked in with his breakfast of fresh cow’s milk and stale cereal. You ignored him and handed him the styrofoam bowl and plastic spoon. “You are aware that you put your ring on the wrong hand this morning aren’t you?”

“It’s not on the wrong hand.” You humored him with a reply as you sat down and started putting the finishing touches on the drawing of Neagan that you couldn’t get from memory.

“Whoa, wait a minute, did you and crossbow get engaged?” he asked around his bite of food and you could hear the smile in his voice without even looking up.

But you had to look up to make sure you had his eye shape right. “It’s a promise ring.” You looked back down and started drawing his eyebrows.

“He gave you your ring as a promise ring?” he asked in confusion.

“It’s not like Alexandria has a jewelry store.” You said flatly not looking up from your work.

He was quiet while he finished eating and you finished drawing. When you were done you flipped the pad over and walked over to the bars to show Negan. “Nice. Looks just like me.”

“Yep, you’ll forever be known as the guy who managed to get life in prison in the middle of an apocalypse.” You popped off and he looked a little hurt. “Sorry, that was a little bitchy.” You said as you flipped the pad closed and moved to the food slot and held out your hand for his empty bowl and spoon. He handed it to you, but didn’t let it go. You looked up at him a little annoyed. “You don’t like sharing, does Daryl?”

“You wish.” You scoffed and jerked the stuff out of his hand.

“You like me and you know it.” He said with a smile.

“You’re full of yourself and you know it.” You said back to him as you left him behind and locked the door to the basement on your way out.

Daryl stood talking to Michonne and a few other people across from the cell that Negan was in and you were aware of Negan’s eyes on you as you walked over to the group. Negan gritted his teeth when he saw Daryl’s arm slide around your waist. He lost again.

Daryl Tags: @jodiereedus22 @mtngirlforever @zzeacat @winchester-angel@moodygrip @beegnc @hells-mistress @lighthope08 @sapphire1727@luisadontcurr @chloebabyboo @ilkaeliseb @twdeadfanfic @ravengalaxia@1lluminaticonfirmed @my-current-fandom-is @nikkiloves-bailey @coffeebooksandfandom @lonewolf471 @gruffle1 @mblaqgi @calumstuffs@beltzboys2015-blog @neontiger007  @lonewolf471 @sourwolf-sterek32 @dixonluvv @dotslabyrinth @kayln97 @art-flirt @beltzboys2015-blog @cbarter

[jeffandsarahrelationship]

the ballad of jeff and sarah

this is a blog to basically do two things .....to help me heal by putting it all out there and to get people who want to know what happened between us a place to see it and to stop Inboxing me about.....the following is my account and my account of the events alone....i cant speak for sarah or others involved because im not them....they can feel free and post a blog of their accounts if they wish.....this is just me trying to get over a breakup that i had my heart in....after this all quesstions or inquiries will be ignored if sent to my inbox i just want to move forward....and my therapist thought this blog would be a good way to do that....

so... i met sarah at a mutual friend jamies bday party.....jamie, richard, erica, rickie, and sarah all went....she stunned me .....such a beautiful woman that i couldnt speak right away ....i got shy ...she spoke to me first and then we started a convo...she, i and richard pretty much talked to each other the whole night .....we added each other on facebook and at the dinner she had a bf so i didnt think anything would happen....i was also talking to someone but nothing was set at that time.....i had talked to richard after that and he said he was interested in her as well...but that she had a boyfriend so we were out of luck....we began sending facebook messages back and forth for about 3 or 4 days ....the more we talked the more i was facinated by her likes, her interest, and just all around her perkiness, we both agreed there was something there but neither of us thought we should persue it.....but we did .....we decided to meet and go out to eat just to talk and get to know each other..i promised her ..while she had a boyfriend i was not going to try anything.......the sexual chemistry was strong that day....she asked if we could make out...so we did .....and it just keep going further....i couldnt fight what i felt for her.....we did stop though to go eat and talk.....and it was an amazing conversation....its safe to say i was enchanted by this woman....we then went back to her place where we got physical.....i felt like dog shit that i could do that to another person....not her ....her boyfriend.....but i couldnt get sarah out of my mind....we met i think two more times within the next two weeks....i had finally went on one date with the other girl....but i did not feel that connection to her that i did sarah.....ive tryed apologizing to her....but i dont blame her for hating me.....sarah wanted me to be her side piece i guess but i told her i couldnt do that ....it wasnt right doing that to john....her boyfriend at the time...so i told her i was ending things with the one i was seeing but that i wanted to be with her ....but i couldnt be her side man....i wanted to be her boyfriend....its john or me i said.....then i figured id never see her again....but she chose me and broke up with john.....so we started dating officially.....i was so happy....this amazing girl had chose me .....needless to say ....i fell pretty quick....i spent alot of time with her ....i wanted her to know im not gonna just leave....that i cared about her....she said she loved having me around that much as well...but dont all couples at the beginning i guess....we were honest about everything as far as i know....but i feel like she was...shes has extreme depression and a food disorder.....having never dealt with that ...i wanted to do my best to help or at least be there for her when she needed me....she also had social anxiety ..shes also thought about being polyamourous which i wasnt sure if i was open to....but maybe .....so we hung out with my friends and i told her i wanted her to make some friends with mine....so she would have an outlet.....her therapist told her to make female friends to...since she had only guys friends at that time....well she really got to know richard in that time..she was in awe of him....all his experiences and life choices he had made....what he knew about art and other things....she told me she was growing a crush on him.....which i was like ..ummmmm cause i know he had a crush on her.....i even made comments about them hooking up with i regret completely now...maybe i guess i just wanted to get it over with and hope the crush would dissappear.....

.she had told me in our conversations that when she feels an emotional connection with someone she has a hard time controlling herself ....pretty much a she did with me....

now i didnt worry about any of this or did we ever have problems until one day when she had a bad suicidal depression episode ....i had to work the next day but i tryed to talk her down....as did her therapist and others that she told me....so the next day i got done at work and went to see her....she was surprised to see me and said that she had already set up to hang with some people to help her.....but since i showed up she said did i want to join.....turned out she had talked to richard and wanted to have a convo with him alone....i didnt like that....i got scared and worried cause i knew they both had crushes on each other....but as a boyfriend....i didnt want to stop her from getting help for her depression if he could help......so i took her to his house and i went home for two hours and let them talk....my brain was eating me alive ....but i trusted my gf even after what she told me .....and i trusted richard who was my best friend since moving up here.....after i picked her up ....i told her about all that ...that i was uncomfortable about it....and why .....that it really was bothering me.....she did her best to reassure me that nothing was going on with richard ....and i felt better once she was in my arms again.....after that ....everytime she wanted to go out...she was like lets go to richards cause he has surround sound and such...but it was like ....anytime we went out....lets hit up richard.....so i got exteremly uncomfortable and told her.....then a couple of sundays ago....while i had my daughter ....she went with richard jo and jamie to the knoxville zoo....i was sad i couldnt go but i hoped they had fun.....i messaged her  during that time to just know she was having fun....as well as to shut my brain down of the fact she was with richard.....

when they got home....i was supposed to pick her up and go back to her place....when she got here....she asked again if i would wait an hour so that her and richard could talk alone again.....i freaked....i was not having it....i was about in tears upset....why does she keep wanting to talk to him.....they both have a crush ...no no  no no......but i said go ahead and talk....but i drove over at the same time....i sat in the drive way about 10 mins....my mind running in circles....i couldnt take it....were they talking about us....did she make a move on him like she did me while she was with john.....i didnt know i couldnt take it....so i got out of the truck and went around the back and tryed to listen to the convo.....i know this is not a good look on me ....but i wasnt thinking straight.....i was scared to death....i sat there a min trying to listen then realized what i was doing.....so i went around the front ...knocked on the door and told them both we needed to talk.......

i told them i wasnt comfortable with them being alone ....i didnt want anything to happen between them....that i knew she wanted richard which she confirmed right then that she wanted us both.....so i freaked again....and it ended up becoming a conversation about how richard could take care of her better than i could....richard said cause of my scared nature of what might happen he may have to bow out of a friendship with him and sarah....sarah took her hand from me at that point....sarah and i at the end were both drained...we went home....talked more between us ....and she said well if he doesnt want to be friends...i guess thats it.....but i thought me and her were ok....the next day we spend the morning together happy as can be....i took her to her group and picked her up....she was happy....however while she was in group richard sent a group message to both of us saying he had seen where i was out back trying to listen or see in.....and that he couldnt be friends anymore with her while we were together....she held my hand ...until she read his message....took it away and never gave it back....we were gonna go on a hike but she said take her home instead....where she dumped me......i left crying.....blaming myself.....barely able to see...i cryed for two days ......the first day i watched the chattooine meeting and they were sitting next to each other....i went into a deep depression.....finally on wens or thurs she messaged me.....telling me she still loved me but he didnt know what she wanted ...that she did want richard...but she also wanted me....she told me the truth about what had happened between her and richard in those first few days....but thats their business so i wont share that here.......however we talked and talked and she asked me could i be poly with her and richard .....i said i didnt know....also that jack had asked her out as well as talking to her ex john....who she said she might have sex with or not....why tell me that?

well we talked and she asked me to pick her up friday so we could talk about being poly.....we did and i didnt know if i could do that ...share my girl with another man....but i thought about giving it a shot.. i even messaged a few friends to get their advice on the subject....we then made love that night....i dont think she told that to richard.....the friday after the breakup.....and she talked to me all day saturday telling  me being poly would be great ...i would see.....having thoughts about me and richard and her.....he then picked her up saturday night....and sunday they went facebook official ....i had to get out of this so i blocked them both.....i couldnt handle it.....it sent me back into depression mode.....so monday i told her over phone...i couldnt be poly .....i couldnt share my girl....she told me it didnt matter cause she was with richard now....and thats pretty much where im at....trying to move on..

NOW IM NOT LYING ABOUT NONE OF THIS....IT IS SIMPLY MY ACCOUNT OF THE SITUATION....I ALSO HAVE SCREENSHOTS TO BACK UP MOST OF WHAT IVE SAID .....SO I CAN PROVE IM NOT A LIER....i am not trying to break up richard and sarah.....she even told me today she thinks he the one...and good for her.....but i needed to get this out of my system and to also stop all the inbox questions....cause damn guys.....it fucking hurts .......i lost my best friend and the woman i loved.....and 50 of you ....wanted to know the details so here they are.....