#i think hannibl could've gotten his happy end so much faster if he wasn't an idiot

[dogboy-willgraham]

"You are the dumbest smart person I know,"

Hannibal needs someone to tell him there are better and easier ways so malewife mansplain manipulate your crush.

-

"Please get off my counter Daniel,"

Daniel shrugged and didn't get off the counter. Hannibal sighed and pushed them over, giving him room to work.

"So, how was the not-date-not-therapy with Will?" Daniel asked, not looking up from their book.

"It was fine," Hannibal said, unpacking the thawed arm from it's paper wrap.

Daniel looked over at the limb. "Who's that? I'd say my prof but he definitely does not shave,"

"is your professor rude?" Hannibal asked.

"No, but that's just me. A good chunk of people are dicks in your head Hanni," Daniel shrugged. "I mean I'm pretty sure he's cheating on his wife with the Russian lit professor, but that's not my business right now,"

Hannibal gave them a look. "And what might be his address?"

Daniel thought for a moment. "I'll tell you if you tell me why you sound weird about your not-date-not-therapy with Will,"

"I don't sound 'weird'," Hannibal said.

"Oh yeah," Daniel smiled. "You need fancy words. Hm, how does "You sound absolutely unwonted my dear," sound?"

Hannibal took a heavy backed knife from the block and gave Daniel a look.

"Calm yourself stag man," Daniel sighed. "Just wanted to know if you were having beau troubles. I have a girlfriend and I read the sparknotes for the Twilight Saga in highschool I know a thing or two about romance,"

Hannibal sighed and stabbed the knife through the arm. "Will has encephalitis,"

Daniel's face dropped. "Oh, uh, fuck. Does...he know what he's going to do about it? Uh, something like that? Is he okay?"

"He doesn't know,"

"What?" Daniel set their book aside. "He doesn't know? What do you mean?"

"I haven't told him," Hannibal said. "He's been unwell mentally as of late, much is still psychological, but what isn't is physical. If he finds out I will no longer be necessary. He will leave, and I will be alone,"

Daniel breathed deeply, rubbing their temples. "Hannibal, I love you, or at least I enjoy staying at yours and eating your food. That is why I must, with the most heart and soul I can muster from the broken pieces, that you are the dumbest smart person I have ever known. And my best friend is a microbiology major who forgot his niece at the 7-11,"

Hannibal growled and pulled the knife from the arm and pointed it at Daniel's neck. "I would suggest you watch your tongue Daniel, I have a dish I've been meaning to prepare that requires cow tongue,"

"Oh hush up," Daniel pushed the knife away. "You wouldn't kill me, who else would partake in your strange literary references?"

Hannibal frowned and set the knife down. "Fine,"

"Look, I won't stop you from doing your house husband-manipulation scheme, whatever your plan is," Daniel said, their hands fluttering. "It's not my place to tell you what reasons you should have for manipulating your boyfriend. But have some sense, Will's going to murder one day or another at this rate, make him only trust you with that. Positive reinforcement works better, proven fact. Train your mongoose to run to you when he massacres the chicken coop. He loves you Hannibal, he won't leave, not forever. The red string of fate is around your necks, don't hang yourself so soon. Be smart, like you are, okay?"

Hannibal sighed. "Fine,"

"Thank you. Now, what are you making?"