#i think a lot about xxc's dysfunction. it's fun

[veliseraptor]

If you haven't done so already, do you have any particular headcanons for Xiao Xingchen?

I've always seen him as a very interesting character, from his fife as the pupil of an inmortal master, to his views about the world. I specially find the image of the folk hero he seems to have incredibly appealing, although I feel it gets left behind in the background of the story. But what do you think?

boy do I!!! I have a stack of Xiao Xingchen headcanons that just might together stack up longer than the entire yi city arc in canon. I have long experience with building a large edifice of headcanon upon a relatively slim amount of actual text, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about Xiao Xingchen. I'm sure this comes as a complete surprise to everyone.

one important headcanon to me is the sort of...pair that Xiao Xingchen is a very sociable and extroverted person, and he has major abandonment issues. I feel like the first one is something where the perception is otherwise because he's not exactly boisterous and he has this "untouchable immortal" reputation following him around making him out to be something more than human (which also renders him less than human, but I've talked about that before).

but Xiao Xingchen loves people, I think - he believes in people, yes, but he also just generally genuinely likes them. he likes to talk to people. now, this doesn't always mean he's good at it - the other thing about Xiao Xingchen is that he's kind of weird and socially graceless - but he's a very friendly person by nature.

this makes his utter isolation post-baixue even sadder, because I don't think it's because he can't make connections, or doesn't want to - I think he's not letting himself try. he's cut himself off from trying to make friends. prior to that I think people tend to hold him at a distance, because other people perceive him as untouchable/distant and project that onto how they interact with him, and if they do interact with him he's weird and socially graceless which can be a turn-off for further interaction. afterwards he's just doing the same.

and meanwhile! all this is happening and Xiao Xingchen is in a state of continual low-level homesickness (the world is harder and meaner than he thought it would be, he can never go home, he genuinely believes in his decision to descend but also it hurts sometimes), and he has his one companion who is the best ever but even so...that's one person and I think Xiao Xingchen craves more connection than that. but because of who he is and who he's chosen to be, he doesn't have that community that he desperately misses, and he's not willing to compromise himself in order to find it the simplest way (i.e. by joining a sect).

the dream of creating a sect is, I think, a little more Xiao Xingchen's than Song Lan's - not that Song Lan's not in favor of the idea, but I think he'd be more content without it, continuing to be independent, than Xiao Xingchen is. but he also has his temple to go home to (until he doesn't).

and for extra spicy fun my headcanon has always been that Xiao Xingchen is very tactile while Song Lan is...the opposite, and while Xiao Xingchen would never complain and might not even acknowledge it to himself, he is perfectly content with the non-physical state of their relationship, of course, he would like to be cuddled and that's just not something Song Lan generally feels up to doing.

and then!! and then Song Lan lashes out at Xiao Xingchen, pushing him away, and the closest person Xiao Xingchen has to home is torn away from him, and then his actual home is taken away again (because he goes back for Song Lan only to have to leave again, really forever this time), and he's on his own wallowing in guilt and self-loathing and very determinedly being Alone until a-Qing shows up and basically goes "mine now" and adopts Xiao Xingchen as very much hers. A-Qing is so important for the way that she walks into Xiao Xingchen's self-imposed solitude and just moves in without taking no for an answer. that's, I think, part of why Xiao Xingchen loves her so much.

but after Song Lan there's definitely a low key assumption for Xiao Xingchen, I think, that people will leave him eventually. I think he always tended toward a little bit of clinginess, but after he gives up his eyes that clinginess both increases exponentially and also becomes an exercise in intense self-denial. he won't let himself be clingy with the people he cares about even if that is what he desperately wants to be. nobody would want to live with us in this coffin house.

there's an exchange that I'm really quite proud of in The Care and Keeping of an Unexpected Captive:

“You like - you like feeling like a hero. Like you’re - saving the world, all the pathetic people too weak to save themselves, there’s you, righteously battling evil, kind, generous–” Words that would be compliments from someone else Xue Yang spat like insults. Xiao Xingchen drew back. “That’s not it,” he protested. “I don’t care who knows me, or if anyone does. I’m not looking for fame or glory–” “No,” Xue Yang said, his voice harsh, “you just want people to love you.”

and I don't think Xue Yang is wrong. he's not 100% right either - Xiao Xingchen does believe in his mission, and does just genuinely want to help people and do the right thing.

but he also really, really, really wants to be loved, and is very afraid that he won't be.