#i think I've blocked about 30 of your blogs and I'm still fucking going

[sysmedsaresexist]

according to someone who saw a post I made and then immediately blocked me, you harass minors??? when did that happen?????

I dunno, if you consider correcting a post with bad info about DID, reblogging a post to correct that I'm not, in fact, turning into an endogenic system, making a post about how throwing a fit for being corrected isn't appropriate, and then talking about how my main was leaked and I was getting harassment on a non- system, non- syscourse blog where my siblings and friends follow me and don't know much about my online activities...

And then for a full week being accused by those same people of constant harassment, manipulation, sympathy baiting, brainwashing, block evading, harming my own community, etc, all while being harassed myself in silence because God forbid I try to talk about it...

Yeah, sure, I harass minors.

The mods and I debated whether to respond because this is certainly going to get that group going again, but I also deserve the chance to explain my side to people asking me directly.

I'm going to continue to leave that group alone, and I kindly ask that everyone else does, too.

Please.

[mrs-monaghan]

Another entry. Firstly, Still With Me? Did JK release a new song that I didn’t know about? Secondly, I would rather speculate that a song is about someone then a hand gesture that a lot of people do.

I saw them coming at us for paying attention to numbers and 11/08 even though that's way more real than whatever tf this is. Like... aren't they embarrassed????

Anyway guys, I have an announcement to make.

Attention please!

Thank u ☺☺

Okay so I've been getting alot of frustrated asks mad at tkkrs and antis on twitter, right? Unfortunately I tend not to post them because I don't wanna bring too much negativity on this blog. Especially when some of those things are vile AF. Anyway, the point of this post is, My friends and I are in a Jikook discord and a few of us do this thing on twitter where we fight antis and shit especially when they come to Jikook spaces.

As we know recently a big Jikook account with 15k followers was attacked the other day for liking a post from an anti. But she had no idea that person was one. She just liked the post coz it was Jikook related. It's an easy mistake to make, really. She tried apologising and explaining she'd blocked the anti but these assholes didn't listen. They went though her profile and started commenting under all her regular, normal tweets that she was an anti and should be ashamed of herself or whatever. They were determined to give her no peace whatsoever.

When called out themselves, one account shamelessly said that they were antis and proud. That they didn't pretend that they don't hate Jimin. This really made me mad. It's not the first time they've been quite proud of the Jimin hate they partake in. Tkk accounts will gets thousand of likes on a post hating on Jimin and this ain't right. An anon sent in an ask venting about us being cowards and I agree. They attack Jikookers and these jkkrs end up deleting their Jikook posts. THIS SHIT AIN'T RIGHT!!! Its not.

They do this thing where they move in balk. My friends and I tried to back this account up. Encouraged her not to let them get to her. But it dont matter that 5 people are on your side if 30 people are telling you to kill yourself its just... /sigh/

This account is still running. But they had to unfollow everyone they follow and start from scratch. This ain't right guys. Its just not fair no matter how u look at it. I think we need to start giving tkkrs the same energy they give us.

Simply ignoring them is NOT working. We don't go to them, they come to us. I think its time Jikookers fought fire with fire. Which is why I'm making this post. A few of us had the idea to create a Jikook fighting discord.

If you are reading this and are tired of taking shit lying down. If you have wanted to fight these people but you were worried that you are just one person and won't make a difference. If you see the Jimin hate and wish there was something you could do about it, I come with an offer. Fuck tkkrs. Fuck antis. Fuck solos and fuck ot7 accounts that call out the vermin but then delete their tweets when they start to loose followers. Fuck all these people. Lets do something about this, ourselves.

Tkkrs are the ones causing chain reactions. If they didn't attack Jimin, Jimin solos wouldn't attack V and JK. (Yesterday I saw an art of JK with a dirty diaper and I just...🤮) If they shipped in peace and didn't attack Jimin literally all this shit wouldn't be happening.

I say we give them a taste of their own medicine. So if you see this post and you agree that enough is enough, then come join us here.

If you can't join then spread the word. Time to defend Kookmin and Koominers. Fuck this shit. The vermin have ran rampant for long enough. Photoshopping Jimin getting blown by band pd wasn't enough. Now they're editing him into porn. Guys, they've go10 too comfortable. Let's do something!

1) Create a separate twitter account before you join us. Safer not to use your main

2) ONLY Jikookers allowed in this discord. If you are not one of us we will know.

See you soon. I hope some of you consider. This shit has to stop. Kookminers assemble!!

Bless 💜

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

A Strange Sort of Family

hi, resident evil fandom, i'd like to throw my hat in the ring

look, i don't even really go here, the fandom mold just got into my brain and would not fucking leave. this is my first time writing any of these characters so if they feel a bit rocky, please forgive me. my media analysis brain has been spinning nonstop since we started the resident evil brain rot and ho boy would I love to sink my teeth into a proper horror fic but! i don't know if i'm there yet so i figured i'd start a bit easier for me :)

also--we all know there's no way ethan's just gone from the franchise now, right? like, sure, he's dead, but he died like 30 minutes into re7 and that didn't fucking stop him

ALSO also big shoutout to @dragonsareaqueerthing and @greenninjagal-blog for the encouragement to actaully make the words go :) hopefully i'll be spending more time in this fandom now that I've got that ball rolling

Read on Ao3

Warnings: talk about events of shadows of rose dlc, nothing explicit, bullying

Pairings: implied ethan/mia/chris, but Ethan & Rose is the focus

Word Count: 10,919

You'd think after about 16 years of being treated like a child and the most powerful bioweapon the world has ever seen, you might get used to it.

Nope!

Not even slightly.

Sometimes a family is a molded bioweapon, a traumatized agent, a former bioterrorist, and a series of golden, sparkly words. Sometimes family is decorating your room with your mother, sometimes family is hugging a pillow because your dad isn't here anymore. Sometimes family is training too hard and going out for ice cream, sometimes family is a dinner where your parents won't stop teasing you.

Or, five times Ethan Winters was there for his daughter, and one time Rosemary Winters was there for her father.

1.

You'd think after about 16 years of being treated like a child and the most powerful bioweapon the world has ever seen, you might get used to it.

Nope!

Not even slightly.

Okay, well, maybe slightly, but only in the way she's able to shake off some of the lesser things that would've made her really upset before. She's no longer threatening the lives of the agents that call her Eveline, to her face or behind her back when they think she can't hear them. Even when she really, really wants to. Small victories.

But despite her best efforts, she still returns to the cell block of a room—Chris had been so insistent that it wasn't a cell, but it was all concrete walls and a tiny window and a camera that she knows is in the corner—and curls up on her bed, jamming her headphones in and refusing to engage with the outside world until she could summon up the resolve to impersonate a normal person again.

Today had been no exception.

Rose throws her backpack onto her desk chair and slings her hat over the hook, kicking her shoes off and collapsing face-first onto the bed with a groan. More tests today, always more fucking tests. Didn't they have every inch of her shitty, moldy body cataloged by now? She has half a mind to start making shit up when they ask her the same stupid questions. 'How are you feeling today, Rose?' Oh, you know, just getting stuck with more needles than a fucking porcupine, how do you fucking think I'm feeling? Yeah, no, no homicidal instincts yet, just had one murderous thought the other day when I was imagining mold eating the bitch who called me a charity case. Although I did go to the park after I snuck away from that asshole you have tailing me on Tuesdays to see if I could amass a mushroom army, how was your day?

A small laugh leaves her throat at the thought of the doctor's face if she actually did say that, but then she'd probably have two assholes tailing her until they deemed her 'no longer a risk.' God, they were supposed to be these super highly trained agents, then why the fuck do they suck ass at being subtle?

Turns out, even having mold superpowers means she still has to breathe like a normal person, so she drags her face up from the bed and doesn't even bother to fully get up to inchworm up to the pillows. She mashes her face against the slightly cold surface—honestly, the best part about this prison-cell-ass room was that the air conditioning was always on Arctic, so her pillows were always cold—and grabs her phone, squinting at the notifications.

One from school saying her group project deadline was coming up…something from some shopping website she'd logged onto out of pure boredom three weeks ago…and a text from Chris.

Rose sits up a little more and opens the text. "Overseas this week…sorry I'll miss the—you fucking dick!"

Of course Chris is working this weekend, of course he's not gonna be fucking here to take her to the cemetery—great, that means another two hours of bus rides until she can actually go see her dad. She swears he does this on purpose sometimes, how often does he actually need to go overseas for 'work?' And it's not like anyone else here would be able to take her, she's learned her fucking lesson about asking them for anything more than more fucking food. Not bothering to stifle her groan, she flops back onto the bed, only for her phone to clatter out of her hand and onto the floor.

Great. Now she has to move again to pick it up.

She decides that moving is actually not what she's going to do right now, letting one arm hang over the edge of the bed, her cheek scrunched awkwardly against the lip of the mattress. She tucks her face against the collar of her jacket and rubs her thumb against the ring on her finger.

"Sorry it's gonna take me longer," she mumbles, "I really wanted to spend longer with you this time."

Her eyes widen when gold sparkling words appear on the floor next to her phone.

it's okay

"What the—" she whips around to look at the door, closed tightly, and jerks back— "how—"

The words are still there. The words are still etched into the floor, right next to her phone. She should check if they're on the camera—no, they can fucking hack into her phone whenever they want, and she doesn't—she can't—if this really is—

Rose swallows the lump in her throat as the words shift and change.

you ok?

"I—what—how are—" she swallows again, camera in the corner of the room, "uh, M-Michael?"

A pause as the words reform: sure

"I mean, I—I know," she says quickly, "I know what—I know what this is, I…I remember, it's just…"

camera, I know

"How is this possible?" she whispers, not daring to move from her haphazard scramble up the bed, "I thought you were—I mean, at the end, when we, uh, did the thing, it seemed like you were…that you were going again."

The words sparkle again as she grips the sleeve of her jacket—his jacket.

apparently i'm bad at it

"Bad at what?"

staying dead

Another laugh chokes its way out of her throat and she reaches out without thinking about it, just to touch the words. They glow a little bit brighter as she touches them and the tips of her fingers glow. Almost as an afterthought, she grabs her phone and shoves it behind her, hopefully muffling the microphone and at the very least, getting its cameras away from her dad.

Her dad. Those are her dad's words, that's her dad, he's here, he's here.

"Are you—is this…are you really here?"

sort of, as the golden words swirl around, part of you

"What do you mean, 'part of me?'"

not a scientist

"You're the only other m—person like me I know, I'm sure it'll be fine." She can almost hear the little huff of laughter as the golden sparkles swirl again. It seems like it's the same as it was when she was in there, with her dad only able to say a few words at a time.

i'm part of the mold, just like you, we're sharing a part right now

"Are you always sharing a part with me?"

i wish i could, and she feels her chest hurt a little bit, takes energy

"I guess that makes sense." Her arm begins to ache from being so stretched out. "I really miss you."

i miss you too sweetie

Fuck, she's 16, she should not be getting this choked up over her dad calling her 'sweetie,' but fuck it, she's a mold person and her dad's dead, she's allowed to sniffle a little when those words glow warmly under her fingers. Some hysterical part of her wonders if he'd be able to give her a tissue or a hanky the way he gave her guns and chem fluid in there, but she scrubs at her nose with her sleeve and decides that it's enough right now that he's here, in her room, still calling her sweetie.

***

2.

She almost recognizes it the second time, a tug in her gut. Given that she's got her hands over her face and is currently doing a fabulous impression of an angry seal, it'd be harder for her to see it. Still, she can't help the dumb smile on her face when she rolls over.

bad day?

"Oh, you know," she mumbles, "just your average day of being a human guinea pig."

ew

She snorts, clapping a hand over her mouth to muffle it. "You know I get a look at their notes sometimes? That's what they call you, just your initials."

surprised they're still talking about me

"What do you mean? Of course they're still talking about you, you're the—" she cuts herself off. The golden sparkles swirl.

i'm the what?

"Never mind."

The floorboards wait expectantly, but she twists the ring around her finger, chewing on her lip. After another moment, new words appear.

can i help?

"With what? With the tests?"

with you

Another tug in her gut, this time at the fact that she can't actually remember the last time someone asked after her, not their biggest liability or their most dangerous weapon. She props herself up on the cold pillows—thank you, government AC—and sighs. "I'm just really tired."

i bet

"Like—are they bored? What do they get out of sticking me with the same needle fifty different times? And it's not like they talk to me about anything, they just look at each other and then fake-smile at me and they tell me 'you're doing great,' like I'm supposed to know what that means. And the other people aren't any better! They keep trying to train me how to do a thing but they're not—it's not like they tell me why we're doing something or what I'm supposed to be doing instead, they just tell me I'm wrong and that's it."

that sucks

She huffs. "You have no idea."

After a moment, though, she realizes that might not actually be true. From what little she's actually managed to get Chris to tell her, and what she can learn from Mom, they were both held in BSAA's quarantine for ages before they moved over to Romania. And if Mom knew about Dad's…not-aliveness way before he did, then they must've done some sort of tests on him too.

"Can I ask you something?"

anything

"Did they, um, did they test you too?"

The floorboards stay empty for a minute, but it feels more like he's thinking than it does him avoiding the question. Sure enough, after another moment, words start appearing again.

they did, they didn't tell me anything either, just that i was lucky

"Lucky how?"

to have made it, even when i didn't

"You did, though," she mumbles, fiddling with the ring again, "you—this part of you made it. Chris told me, Mom told me. You…even after you were…gone the first time, you…you came back. The important parts of you, they came back."

and i'm grateful for it, for you

"You're gonna make me cry," she mutters, scrunching up a little tighter.

i love you Rosie

"Shut up." It's empty and they both know it. A few extra sparkles swirl around and she could swear he's laughing. "I love you too."

Sunlight streams in through her tiny window and she finds herself looking at the way the leaves on the tree dapple the shadow across the floor. Part of her dad's words are still glowing. She looks at the nightstand, bare except for her charger and alarm clock, then over at the desk where her school stuff is, then at the dresser. She reaches out and touches the metal bedframe. It's cold underneath her fingers.

what's wrong?

"Nothing." The words remain and she sighs. "I'm just being mopey."

you're allowed to mope

"Someone at school said something today," she says before she can think better of it, and she winces at how young she sounds.

bullies?

"Not really, it wasn't even really about me, I just—it's stupid."

if you're upset it's not stupid

"They were just talking about this thing they got for their room, okay?" Embarrassment makes her curl her fingers into the loose fabric of her jacket. "It's this mirror thing that hooks up to your phone and lets you play music and stuff from there. They were just talking about it and I thought—see, I told you it was stupid."

There's another pause. The breeze rustles the leaves outside. The shadows dance over the walls.

do you want it?

"Not really…I don't like mirrors that much anyway. And it's not like they'd let me just have another thing that connects to the Internet in here." She glances at the alarm clock. "I barely got them to let me get a laptop for school stuff. I don't think they've got a 'Mold Bioweapon Allowance' in their budget."

The silence grows thoughtful. She turns her head to look at the floorboards again, watching the few sparkles there swirl around.

it's your room, they say finally, it should feel like it

Rose scoffs. "What am I supposed to do, walk up and ask them to sponsor a shopping trip?"

why not?

"They're not gonna do that. They're just gonna brush me off again or tell me they're busy."

you've tried?

"I told you, I barely managed to get a laptop, which is something I need to be able to do schoolwork or anything, even have a taste of what being normal is like. And even then I had to argue for like, ages, and I had to get one of my teachers to write an email saying that it's necessary." She swats the white pillowcase, bitterness seeping into her words. "Everything else isn't necessary. They're all about practicality, like I'm just some other expense they have to deal with."

what about Chris? or Mom?

"Chris isn't here. He's always off somewhere doing something or he's here glaring at me like I'm some stupid new recruit that he doesn't want to have to train. And Mom's…I don't want to bother her, you know? She's got her own life now."

she's your mom, come the words almost before she's done speaking, she'd want to know

Rose sighs, sitting up to lean against the headboard. She twists the ring around and around her finger, chewing on her lip. "I don't know. Sometimes it feels like she's…like she doesn't want to know."

Another pause. What her dad had said before, about them sharing a part of the mold—she can feel something in her chest. An emotion that isn't quite hers, something like a deep and exasperated sadness. It's faint, not quite enough to put words there, but she can tell when she needs to look back down at the floor.

she does love you, let her

"Okay. I'll try."

thank you

"Would you come shopping with me?" she asks, even when she knows the answer. "If you could?"

The room gets a little happier as the sparkles swirl around.

i'd spend all day with you

"What did you want to have in your room? When you were my age?"

telescope

"A telescope?" She laughs. "Did you want to be an astronaut?"

astronaut ew

She laughs again and the sunlight seems a little brighter.

***

3.

She meets Mom at a coffee shop near the big bookstore downtown. She's not wearing Dad's jacket—it still feels weird to do, even after Mom's said it's fine—but she has his ring on a necklace under her shirt. Mom waves her over to a table in the corner, nodding to the smoothie already waiting.

"Pineapple mango," she says as Rose sits down, "your favorite."

"Thanks, Mom." She takes a big drink, savoring the weird feeling the pineapple leaves on her tongue. "How're you?"

"I'm okay. Work's been getting busy again recently with the month's end rush." Mom swirls her straw around her coffee. "Did I tell you about this new thing our boss is trying to make us do?"

"No, what?"

"Apparently some young CEO in the area made it big on corporate social media about 'team building exercises,'" and Rose is already groaning in sympathy, "so he sent out this survey this past week about what activity we'd rather do."

"What were the options?"

"This group painting class thing, where we all paint the same picture—"

"Like in kindergarten?"

"Like in kindergarten," Mom agrees, "there's a bar-arcade place that's just opened up on the West Side that does private events, and then there's a good old-fashioned work dinner."

Rose makes a face. "That's it? No, like, crazy obstacle courses, or escape rooms, or anything?"

"We barely had the budget for the normal year-end stuff."

"So what did you vote for?"

"I ended up voting for the painting, actually—"

"What? Mom, that's so lame."

"Hey!" She jokingly flicks a napkin at Rose. "Lamer than the most awkward dinner you can imagine or sitting and drinking for a whole evening?"

"Isn't that what adults do? You sit and drink and talk?"

Mom sighs, shaking her head as they both laugh. "Yeah, well, I figured it might be better if we tried to do something that wasn't just sitting and drinking."

"I guess."

"Besides, I'm still missing something for the bathroom upstairs. Maybe I'll hang up whatever I manage to make there," she adds, winking at Rose.

It's supposed to be a joke at how bad at art she is—really, even Chris looked at her stick figures and struggled to find something nice to say, and Mom just laughed it off—but Rose's smile fades and she shuffles a little in the chair. She drinks more of her smoothie. Dad's words turn over and over in her head.

"Hey, Mom?"

"Mm?"

"Would you…" She fights the urge to reach for the ring. "Would you help me decorate my room?"

Mom's brow furrows. "At my house?"

"N-no, my…my room at the compound. It's stupid, never mind."

"It's not stupid, Rose," Mom says, picking up her coffee, "I'm just—I guess I'm just surprised. Most teens don't really want their parents anywhere near their rooms."

"Yeah, well, forget it."

A car drives by. Despite herself, she reaches for the ring anyway. Something warm pulses in her chest.

"It's just," she manages, "I don't really have anything in there. It's just the military stuff."

Mom's coffee cup hits the table with a thud. "What do you mean you don't have anything in there?"

"I mean, there's just a dresser, a desk, and a bed. And my little side table thing. They didn't really give me any—"

"How much time do you have?"

Rose blinks. "Huh?"

"How much time before you have to get back?" Mom's already getting up and putting the lid back on her coffee. "We're not that far from the big stores and I have my car."

"I, uh, I think I have a few hours, so—" she scrambles up too, reaching to grab Mom's arm— "wait, you're really okay with doing this?"

Mom pauses for a moment, then reaches out and covers Rose's hand with hers. "You're my daughter, Rosie, I'd love to help you decorate your room."

A lump appears in her throat and she swallows it down. "Thank you."

"Come on," Mom grins, "what are you thinking you want?"

"Uh, I was thinking maybe like a whiteboard? That way I could write down stuff that I might forget? Or like—a magnetic one so I could stick stuff to it?" She gets into Mom's car and they start driving. "Or a corkboard—I've seen a lot of people pin like, pictures and stuff to a corkboard on their walls."

"What if you get both? A corkboard to put pictures and cute stuff and then a whiteboard to write on?"

"I also want a lamp. The normal lights just make my head hurt. And they buzz, you know?"

"Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's like the world's most annoying crickets, isn't it?"

"And there's no, like, in between! It's either no light at all or—"

"Or my eyes are being scorched out, that's right."

They pull into the parking lot of the store and get out, still bouncing ideas back and forth. Mom grabs a cart and they head straight for the stationary section and they spend about five minutes talking about the different corkboards and whiteboards. Then Rose decides she wants magnets so she can stick stuff to the whiteboard, then Mom spots a cute set of push pins, and then another mom and daughter walk by with one of those fancy photo printers that print out pictures from your phone like Polaroids, and they just have to get Rose one of those.

As they pick out lamps and wall decor and sheets that actually have some color, she's struck by how normal this is. She's with her mom. They're shopping for stuff for her room. They're freaking out over the pillows that have little penguins on them. She's actually smiling and laughing and she's excited. She can't wait to get back and put all this stuff in her room.

She just…wishes Dad could be here too.

"I think I'd prefer the yellow lampshade, but it's up to you." Mom looks up from the shelf to notice she's gone quiet. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Nothing, nothing," she says quickly, wiping surreptitiously at her face, "…just…I kinda wish Dad was here too."

Mom's fingers stutter on the box and for a moment, she thinks she's going to see those walls go up again, the ones that always go up when she tries to talk about Dad, but then Mom puts the box down and rubs at her wedding ring. She still wears it sometimes. Rose reaches for Dad's, under her shirt.

"I wish he was here too, Rosie," Mom says quietly, "he'd be so proud of you."

Rose swallows, and her eyes catch on a tiny monkey LED lamp further down the shelf. She picks it up. "I think he'd vote for this one, don't you?"

A hint of fond exasperation comes to Mom's face. "God, did I ever tell you what happened when he found out that you loved that little monkey you got when you were still a baby? He tried to buy everything monkey-themed he could find because he thought you might like it."

"Wait, really?"

"I had to get Chris to help me talk him out of buying an entire monkey crib for you."

Rose puts the monkey lamp in the cart. Mom smiles and they keep walking. They end up spending way more than she thought they'd be and sheepishly tries to put some stuff back, but Mom won't hear a word of it and bags everything up.

"Chris can help cover the cost if he's so worried about it," she declares as they pull back up to the meeting spot where the car is supposed to take Rose back to the compound, "anyway, all of this should have been done years ago."

"Thanks, Mom," Rose says, "I had fun."

"We should definitely do it again. I'll help you decorate your college dorm too."

Rose smiles and gets out of the car. It fades a bit when she sees Paul again, leaning against the side of the van with his arms crossed. She turns her back deliberately on him and goes to help Mom get all the bags out of the trunk.

"You're late," Paul says, like he has any right to sound like a smug, condescending asshole.

"By like five minutes. Open the trunk."

"What's all that?"

"Stuff. For my room."

"Well, I—hey!" Paul finally moves when Mom just opens the trunk and starts putting the bags inside.

"You must be the agent Rose told me about," Mom says, her voice saccharine as she dusts off her hands, "is that right, honey?"

"Yeah," she mumbles, "that's him."

"Paul," he says, "Ms. Winters."

"Mia." Mom holds out her hand and he takes it, Rose peering at them from under the brim of her hat. Her eyes widen when Mom yanks Paul closer to her, her smile fading as she hisses in his ear. "Call my daughter Eveline again and I'll break your nose, are we clear?"

Paul jerks in surprise, before turning his head slightly. "Stand down, it's fine, I can handle it."

"You can't afford to make a scene in such a public place," Mom says, her voice still perfectly even, "and Chris won't risk harming me or Rose. So you can start treating my daughter like a person or I can break your nose right now and Chris can clean up your mess."

Rose can't stop her snort as Paul sheepishly walks back to the front of the car and gets in. Mom watches him go before she turns around and says, loud enough for him to hear, "Make sure you send me pictures when you get it the way you want it, okay?"

"I will."

"And if you decide you want anything else, we'll get it next time."

"Thanks, Mom. I love you."

"I love you too, Rosie." She glares once more in Paul's direction before she walks back to her car.

Rose doesn't stop smirking as Paul drives them back to the compound. He slinks off with his tail between his legs after helping her get all her stuff into her room. She can't cover up the camera—and let them know she knows about it—but she can play her music out loud as she decorates, hanging up the little plants they found and pinning a few photos to her new corkboard. It still strikes her how normal all of this is, dancing to her music and putting up all of her new things, finally collapsing onto her now-colorful blankets with a laugh.

She texts a few photos to Mom, who responds with gushing reviews and excited emojis, before she rolls onto her side to look at the floor.

"What do you think?"

The words only take a second to appear.

it's beautiful, sweetie

"You were right," she murmurs, "it was really nice to let Mom take care of me a bit."

i'm glad

"Oh! I forgot to show you the best part!" Rose jumps off the bed and goes over to the far wall, switching on the fairy lights she hung from the ceiling amidst a bunch of fake vines. "Now the camera will just think the glowing is from the lights!"

Golden sparkles swirl beneath the soft glow.

you're so smart

"I mean," she blusters, trying not to show how pleased she is, "I was just tired of lying down to talk to you all the time."

i see, still clever

"Thanks." After a moment, she reaches over and picks up the little monkey lamp and her stuffed monkey, safely hidden beneath her pillows. "Mom told me you wanted to buy a monkey crib for me."

it would go with the onesie

"You got me a monkey onesie?"

mom has pictures

"I'll have to ask her next time." She chews on her lip, running her fingers over the seams of the monkey's ear. "I wish you could've been there."

me too

"Mom threatened to break Paul's nose if he was rude to me again." The light swirls as Dad laughs and she laughs too. "I'd kick him in the nuts too."

that's my girl

***

4.

"Stupid fucking dickhead," she spits as she slams the door, throwing her backpack onto the chair so hard it scrapes across the floor. "Fucking asshole! I'll fucking rip his head off, the fucking bastard!"

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees a tiny sparkle from the floorboards, and she stomps over to the lights, turning them on. Almost immediately, golden words swirl up.

what happened?

"Your buddy Chris fucking happened!" Rose throws herself onto the bed and punches the pillow. "He keeps treating me like I'm some—some fucking gun that only he knows how to fire and I'm fucking sick of it!"

It had been especially bad today, too. Chris apparently woke up and decided yeah, today's the day I'm gonna be a total fucking asshole for no goddamn reason. He started them out sparring, which he never does, he always has them warm up first because it's important not to strain yourself, except apparently not today when she was thrown against the fucking ground three times before she could even open her mouth long enough to say hi.

Or maybe ask what the hell crawled up his ass that morning.

And then he kept fucking looking at her like he was disappointed! Like it was her fault she wasn't expecting to be slammed up against the wall or pinned to the ground by a man fucking three times her size and then grunted at when she winced in pain because that fucking hurt, you asshole! And he kept on saying these stupid little comments that just made her angrier and angrier and then he had the gall to be like hey, you need to get a handle on your emotions like he wasn't pushing every single fucking button he knew she had!

You need to be sharper, he'd said like he had any right to try and be reasonable as he almost dislocated her fucking shoulder, emotions make you sloppy.

Yeah, well, he could try being sharper when he was being bullied for no fucking reason.

And when she'd finally screamed at him that she was done, that she didn't want to fucking do this anymore, he had the fucking audacity, the nerve to scoff and cross his arms and tell her that no, she wasn't done, she was only done when he said she was done. And yeah, she hadn't really made the decision to rush at him after that, her body did that on its own, but he literally just tossed her aside like a fucking doll and then said she wasn't leaving until she could do the fucking stupid thing he wanted her to.

She tried. She really fucking did.

But she couldn't do it.

And Chris kept refusing to help, saying he'd been training her for so long already, that he'd wash her out if she were any other recruit—to which she'd screamed that she wasn't, so why the fuck was he being like this? And he didn't fucking answer! He just told her to try it again and he kept making her angrier and angrier and she could tell Chris was getting angry too which just made hers worse because what fucking right did he have to be mad at her? What the fuck did she do to him?

It ended really badly. She'd gotten so mad she'd thrown herself at him again, not caring about proper technique or what was smart or anything, she just went for him. He grappled her, obviously, and that was supposed to be their tap-out, fight's-over thing, but she hadn't stopped. She'd scratched him and punched him and kicked him even when he growled at her to yield, and when that didn't work, she'd bit him.

Chris fucking wrenched her off of him and threw her across the room and she heard three guns click.

They'd glared at each other, Chris holding his arm like it was a fucking biohazard, and then he'd stalked off without a word while agents forcibly shoved her back to her room.

She's panting by the time she finishes, glaring a hole in the wall right below where the words normally appear. Her hands still tingle from where she'd hit the walls and the pillows. She looks up when she sees the familiar swirl.

you shouldn't have bitten him

The anger surges up her arms and she clenches her fists. "That's all you have to say? No 'I'm sorry he was such a dick, Rose?' 'You didn't deserve that?' You're fucking defending him?"

i didn't say that

"I just told you that your friend, the person you told to watch over me and keep me safe was fucking bullying me for no goddamn reason and the only thing you can say is that I shouldn't have defended myself?" Betrayal steeps vehemence into her words. Her nails bite into her palms. "I'm fucking glad I bit him!"

he's trying to help

"How in the fuck is he trying to help," she cries, "by being as bad as the bullies in school? By treating me like a freak that needs to be kept muzzled and on a leash?"

you did bite him

She picks up one of the pillows and hurls it at the wall. It hits with a pathetic thwap and falls limply to the floor. It only makes her angrier when she sees the words calm down when the lights stop shaking.

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down! You're supposed to be on my side!"

i am

She barks out a humorless laugh and picks up the pillow, throwing it back on the bed. "You're not on my side, you're on his. I don't need you lecturing me too. Just leave me alone."

More golden words swirl as she turns away, throwing herself onto the bed and curling up tightly around her stuffed monkey. She chokes around the lump in her throat and wills herself not to cry. She'd almost cried in front of Chris today already, she won't give either of them the satisfaction of seeing her cry now. She won't, she won't, she won't! It's not fucking fair that Chris did that. It's not fucking fair that he gets to act however the fuck he wants and then she's the only one punished for it. He gets to go all over the fucking world and only see her when it's convenient to him and he gets to be an asshole about it.

Dad's not even alive.

A sob chokes out before she can stop it, and then it's too late. She's blubbering like she's a stupid fucking baby again and she can hear the echoes of their voices in her ears. All alone, poor freak Rose, crying like a baby who doesn't get her way. She's so weird, she's so stupid, she can't do it. She's useless, she's not strong enough. Just go away. No one wants you here. No one wants you. No matter how hard she presses her hands to her ears, they won't fucking shut up!

Maybe she should've fucking kept the purifying crystal. Maybe she should've left with no powers and had a normal fucking life. Maybe she should've just left her dad to—

As soon as the thought threatens to cross her mind, she recoils from it. Guilt and anger war in her gut as she nearly grows sick. How could she fucking think that? After all he'd done to save her, protect her, how could she think about something like that, even if it was in a fit of rage?

A strangled noise escapes her throat and the bruises and injuries from her humiliating 'sparring session' abruptly make themselves known. Her body screams in pain; her shoulders ache, the bruise on her ribs throbs, and her jaw feels like it's about to explode. She has the hysterical impulse to bite herself and she wonders if it would hurt more than everything else. Out of the corner of her eye, she glimpses a glow coming from the floorboards now and she curls up tighter, burying her face in the monkey's tummy. Fuck it, she's been called overly emotional and childish enough times already, she may as well throw her tantrum properly.

It's like falling into the Megamycete again; she has no idea how long she lies there, wallowing in her own emotional turmoil. Flashes of the bullies, of Chris's stupid fucking face, of watching herself get tossed around and left behind…even stranger things like massive castles filled with screams and horror, creepy old houses that just feel like tombs, deep water and clanking metal, all filled with whispers of freak, dangerous, stupid child, not good enough. Everything is too loud and too quiet and she just wants it to be over.

When she finally manages to rouse herself from whatever malaise she'd fallen into, the sun has long set. Her clock shows that it's close to 10—that would explain why her stomach is trying to dig a hole in her intestines. The anger fled unknown hours ago, leaving her weary and wrung out. In its absence, she no longer feels like the bioweapon that she's supposed to be, only the scared and lonely child. It's cold. She's hungry.

There's still a soft golden glow coming from over the side of the bed.

Her lip wobbles. She doesn't want to face the consequences of yelling at her dad and throwing a pillow at him, but she can't stop the blooming warmth that he didn't leave. She crawls to the edge of the bed and peeks over.

i'm sorry Rose

She sniffles and rubs her cheek on the sheets. "'M sorry too."

you were right, i should've been on your side

"You're always on my side," she mumbles, "I know you are."

still

She sniffles again and tucks the monkey under her chin. "Why was Chris so mean today? Did I do something wrong?"

i don't think so, sometimes he's just like that

"Why?" She's ignoring how much she sounds like a baby, thank you. "It's not fair."

no it's not sweetie

Rose closes her eyes, basking in the soft glow of her dad's comfort. "Was he ever mean to you when you were training?"

yeah

"What did you do?"

broke his nose once

It startles a laugh out of her. "You what? Wait, what happened?"

he was being an asshole, so i punched him

She giggles again, both at the image of Chris's surprised face with a broken nose and at the fact that her dad got so angry with Chris that he punched him hard enough. A few more golden sparkles surround the words before they change again.

you shouldn't try it though

"Aw," she complains, mostly for show, "but you did it."

do as i say not as i do

She's quiet. After a moment, she lets her arm hang down to touch the words again. They glow gently. "I don't like fighting with you."

me neither

"I'm sorry. I was being a brat."

The words swirl up quicker than she's ever seen.

you were upset at something unfair, not a being a brat

She sniffles again, reaching over to grab a hanky and blow her nose with a sharp honk. She throws it over to the laundry basket and lies back down. The words have changed.

if you need to hear it, i forgive you

"I forgive you too."

rest

She nestles up against the pillows. "Will you stay until I go to sleep?"

of course sweetie, i love you

***

5.

Mostly Rose doesn't dream. She'll close her eyes and open them again and it will be hours later and it's time to get up. Most of the time when she does dream, it's weird half-memories that aren't hers mixed with something she does actually remember. She has dreams of a house with a red chimney being taken apart by little robotic goats, or of a crocodile swimming through a swamp filled with dead crows, or of bugs crawling over test tubes and dirty flasks. Some of them make sense when she digs into the files she's not really supposed to have access to, some of them don't.

On rare, awful occasions, she has nightmares.

She's been curled up and unmoving for who knows how long, desperately trying to feign sleep. The mold in her keeps prickling like there's something else in the room, watching her, just waiting for a sign that she's awake to pounce. Her white-knuckled grip hasn't wavered either. She dares hardly breathe; even though her rational brain knows there's nothing there, there can't be anything there, her entire body is screaming. She can feel the milky sweat beginning to ooze from her palms.

Something creaks.

She goes stiff as a board.

A creak, a groan, a rumble as the air conditioning turns on and she forces herself to relax, cracking open one eye to see that yes, this is just her room, there's nothing to be afraid of here, she's fine.

Her eyes land on the switch to the fairy lights.

The small and whimpering part of her lunges for them, for the warm glow of the light, her dad's words, in lieu of running to her parents' bed to be comforted. The other part hisses that the second she moves, whatever's lurking in the dark will strike. The monkey wheezes as she tightens her grip, staring at the innocuous plastic box hanging against the wall.

With a sudden burst, she launches herself from the bed, slapping the button, and curling back up beneath the safety of the blankets.

Immediately, the soft warm light chases away the worst of the shadows and she can peek over her shoulder to assure herself that yes, nothing is there, she's safe in her room, everything's okay. Golden sparkles are already swirling, a quiet inquisitiveness filling that one empty part in her chest as she lies back down. He's rotated his words so she can read them easily.

what's the matter, sweetie?

"Nightmare," she whispers, more into her pillow than anything else.

i'm sorry

She curls up tighter, trying to pull the blankets up almost over her head. The sweat's almost ruined her monkey—she's going to have to wash it again—and she wipes her hands on the sheet. The absence of it hits the cold air and she shivers, hunching tighter in the covers and sniffling. A sudden and sharp ache sears through her chest and she shudders, harder this time, only the top of her nose peeking out over the comforter. She's so cold. Not in the way where she can pile more blankets on and it'll go away—she could put the whole world on top of her and she would still be cold. This horrible, achy, exhausting cold that seeps into her bones and makes her want to cry.

what can i do?

"You said in your—in your letter," she hiccups, "that you'd hold me when I had nightmares, and—and sing to me until I went back to sleep."

But the words on her wall are just words and words can't hold anybody.

She wants a fucking hug, goddamnit. No one touches her anymore, not unless they're running some stupid test, or sparring, or escorting her roughly down the hallway like some—some prisoner. The last time someone touched her and it wasn't that it was Mom, telling her she'd help decorate her room and that was so long ago, everyone else just—just—

"I want to go home," she sobs and it lands like a dead weight in the still room.

what do you mean?

"I want to go home, I want to go back to that house you showed—showed me when I was in there, where you—where your memories are and I can actually h-hear you and it's warm an'—an' safe, and you love me," she cries, not caring that it's the middle of the night and she's talking to a wall, "no one here loves me. No one loves me, the doctors think I'm some—some experiment that's run too—too long and the agents all think I'm a l-liability and Mom's not here because she gave me up and Chris h-hates me."

he doesn't hate you sweetie

"He does! He does, he does, I can feel it." She hugs her monkey tightly to her chest. "He h-hates me for being the reason you're not—you're not here anymore and he hates me for reminding him that you're dead and he hates me for—for being like this and—and—and—!"

shh…shh…shh…

But he's not here and she can't hear him shushing her and she's all alone in her cold, dark room and she wants to go home.

don't cry, Rosie, it's gonna be okay sweetie

"It's not. 'S not okay."

The wall doesn't move for a moment, then it swirls again.

scoot back, i'm going to try something

Frowning, she does, shuffling awkwardly back until she's on the far side of the bed. The golden light swirls around for another second, before it writes itself on one of the pillows.

hug me

"D—Michael?"

i'm right here sweetie, i love you so much

With trembling fingers, she reaches for the pillow, touching the words with a soft gasp as they glow warmly against her still-slick palms. A sob of disbelief leaves her throat and she bundles it to her chest, burying her face in it. A soft scratching and buzzing fills her ears as more words write themselves across the pillow, but she doesn't pull her face away to read them. Not when this is the closest thing to hugging her dad she's been since she was in the deepest stratum of the Megamycete, crying over his dying body. Not when she's still so cold and the words are so, so warm. She tucks her face into the crook of the pillow's embrace and she cries.

The words don't stop writing themselves over and over and if she focuses hard enough, it almost sounds like her dad is humming.

She falls into a light sleep, not willing to miss a moment of actually being so close to her dad, soothed by his presence. Soon, light has begun to break through the window, the auto timer on the lights long since activated to switch them off. The pillow is all gross from a mixture of drool, snot, and tears, and she sheepishly tries to wipe it away when a small glow comes from underneath.

it's okay

"It's kinda gross."

my privilege, i'm your dad

"Still."

ew, remember?

A watery smile. "Thanks."

i love you so much, i'm so proud of you

"I love you too," she mumbles back, curling her arms around the pillow. Another set of words writes itself and she leans back.

do you really think Chris hates you?

"I don't know. He…he looks at me like he can't sometimes. Or like he's waiting for me to…I don't know, turn crazy or bad or like he's waiting for me to turn into you, almost." She rubs her fingers over the pillowcase. "He used to be nicer."

have you spoken since?

She doesn't need to ask what he's talking about. "No. He's been out of town again. He's supposed to be back, um…"

She leans over to check her phone, eyes widening when she sees the date.

"Uh, today. Shit, I actually think we're supposed to have a training thing today."

Before more words can write themselves, there's a knock on her door. She freezes, phone still in her hand, pillow clutched close.

"Rose?" Fuck. "It's Chris. Can I come in?"

be brave, says the last flutter of words before her dad vanishes, i love you

"…yeah."

Chris opens the door. Rose tugs on her dad's jacket over her pajamas and clutches the pillow in her lap. She doesn't look at him. He moves around a little in the doorway before he shuts it with a click. After a moment, the bed dips and groans under his weight and she sneaks a glance at his arm. Her bite mark is still there.

"Surprised they let you walk around before that healed."

"You didn't even break the skin."

It's probably meant to come off in a way that means she doesn't have to worry about it, but it stings anyway. She turns away again.

A car drives by outside.

"I owe you an apology," Chris says finally, his voice low and gruff, "I shouldn't have been so harsh. I'm sorry."

She doesn't reply, but she shifts to face the window instead of the wall.

"There's been talk of getting you moved to another squad," he continues, and her stomach drops—is Chris leaving too?— "and I thought…if I could prove that you were good with us, that we had it all under control, then they'd drop it. Leave you alone."

At the rustle as he shifts, she glances over at him. His jaw works and his hand twitches on his knee.

"I thought…" He trails off, then scoffs at himself, shaking his head. "I don't know what I thought."

He turns to meet her gaze and her gut clenches at the obvious guilt and remorse she can see there. She swallows.

"You were mean." Her voice comes out a lot smaller than she'd hoped. She swallows and tries again. "I thought you hated me."

"I don't hate you, Rose," he says in a rush, turning to face her, "please don't think that."

"So you're not trying to get rid of me?"

"Shit, Rose, no, I'm not trying to get rid of you. You're—I think Mia'd kill me if I tried, no, I'm just—" he takes a breath— "I'm just trying to keep you safe, okay?"

"Then you should've said something! I would've trained harder if I knew—we could've—I would've done something else, did I do something wrong?"

"No," he insists, shaking his head, "no, you didn't do anything wrong."

Relief begins to pool warily in her chest. Her grip on the pillow loosens and she scoots a little closer. "I'm sorry I bit you."

He shakes his head again. "It's fine. You, uh, you have good bite strength."

"Good bite strength?"

"Yeah. Your contact's really good." He gestures to the bite mark on his arm. "Got all of them in there too."

"Thanks," she says, laughing a little. Chris smiles and it's a bit easier to breathe. She gives herself a shake. "So, what's today? Weapons, sparring, how to punch boulders?"

"Actually, I, uh, thought we'd go get ice cream."

Rose pauses, looking up at him, blinking as if she'd heard wrong. "Ice cream?"

"Weather's gonna get cold soon, the good place around the corner's gonna close." He shrugs. "Been craving it."

"Yeah…yeah, ice cream sounds good."

"Great."

And before she can think too much of it, she throws herself at him and hugs him for all she's worth. She feels him stutter, not quite sure what to do, and then his arms slowly wrap around her, holding her just as tightly. And oh, she's on fire, Chris is big and warm and solid and he's holding her like she's something special and she's gonna fucking cry her eyes out if she stays here a moment longer and she's gonna die if she lets go. Chris lets out a noise of dismay when she sniffles and scoops her up, like she's a little kid again, holding her in his lap and now she's making a mess of his shoulder too.

She could swear she feels Dad smile.

***

+1.

"I'm telling you," Rose says as she lounges on her bed, "you're wrong about the cover. It's actually pretty good."

i like the classics

"Yeah, well, you're old and boring, so that makes sense."

:(

The sight of the old-fashioned emoticon frowny face makes her burst out laughing. "Oh my god, that's so lame. I don't think I've seen someone use that in years."

it's a classic!

"You gotta get with the times!"

totes dope fam

Rose winces at the immense amount of psychic damage those three words dealt, her neck protesting as she almost cringes it out of alignment. "No, D—Michael, just no."

lol

She tosses the pillow playfully at the wall again, laughing when another frowny face appears on both it and the wall. "Aww, okay, I'm sorry, here."

She picks it up and cuddles it and the frowny face turns to a smiley face. Lying back down, grin still on her face, she toys with his ring. It's gotten shinier from all the rubbing, except where she ties the cord around it so she can wear it as a necklace. She turns it this way and that, watching the sunlight glint off of it. As she does, she catches sight of the engraving on the inside.

Always and forever.

"Do you want me to tell Mom and Chris about you?"

The words swirl for a moment.

up to you

She pushes herself to sit up, propped on one elbow. The ring glistens as she slides it back onto her finger, turning it to and fro. "I don't know. It feels bad keeping something like this from them, but I want to be selfish about it too, you know? I kind of like having you all to myself."

it's not selfish

"And what if Chris thinks it's bad?" She twists the ring harder. "What if he tries to take you away from me?"

i won't let that happen

Her shoulders drop a little and she picks up the pillow again, cuddling into it. A few words write themselves across it just so she can feel their warmth and she rubs her cheek against it. "Don't you miss them?"

all the time

A melancholy that isn't hers hangs in her chest and she squeezes the pillow again. "Then should I? They miss you too, you know. I think they'd be happy to, you know, hear from you again."

The words fade and the wall glows again as he thinks. She lets him have his time, rubbing the ring back and forth, listening to the slight rattle it makes as it spins around her too-small finger. When she hears the familiar soft scratch again, she looks up.

they're happy now, i don't want to ruin that

"They're not happy," she can't help but say, "they still miss you."

content, then

"You wouldn't be ruining anything," she argues, "I thought—I thought I'd never get to see you again after I got out of there. The day I heard you again? That was the happiest moment of my life."

mine too sweetie, or my un-life i guess

The words glow brighter as her fingertips glow too. She gets up and lays her hand against the wall, smiling as their powers dance together. "I really think they'd be happy."

A pulse of warmth runs up her arm to her chest as the words shift once more.

when you think the time is right

"I'll tell you, I promise."

i'm so proud of you, Rose, i love you so much

"I love you too."

That time doesn't come on their terms, though, because that would be easy. No, instead it's when she and Chris are over at Mom's house for dinner and Chris asks a question out of nowhere that almost makes her spit all over the table.

"What?" Mom asks as Rose glares a hole in Chris's stupid forehead.

"I said," Chris says like an unrepentant asshole, "who's Michael?"

"Michael?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rose mutters, staring down at her lap.

"I was coming to get you for training last week and you were talking to someone called Michael." Chris takes a bite of steak and talks with his mouth full, like an asshole. "So who is he?"

Mom elbows her, winking. "Someone you like?"

"What? Ew, gross, no!"

Chris and Mom just laugh and Mom elbows her again. "Don't worry, I was your age once too. That's how I reacted when my mom asked me about my crush."

"Michael isn't my crush!"

"Boyfriend, then?"

"No, he's not my—" she covers her face and sighs. "He's not my boyfriend, he's not my crush, he's not someone from school, happy?"

"So who is he?"

Well, fuck it, no time like the present. She pushes back from the table, muttering about using the bathroom. They wait until she's halfway up the stairs to start talking again, their voices low in that way where she knows they're still talking about her, but she pays them no mind as she goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. She braces her hands on either side of the sink and takes a deep breath.

"I'm guessing you heard all that."

The words swirl up right below the mirror.

yeah

"I mean, it's not like we'll get a better opportunity."

probably not

"Are you ready?"

are you?

She rubs at the chip in the linoleum and turns on the cold water, just to make sure there's no milky sweat on her hands. "I'm nervous."

me too

"No matter what happens," she says firmly, "no matter what they do or say, I'm here for you, okay? I've got your back. I love you."

i'm so proud of you, sweetie, i love you too

The words glow cheerfully against the weird tile pattern and she reaches out to touch them. They share a moment before the words fade and she takes a deep breath, squaring her shoulders in the mirror and nodding to herself. "Right. Let's do this."

She marches back downstairs and Mom and Chris do a horrible job of pretending not to be nosy and expectant. She sits back down and folds her hands in her lap.

"I'll tell you who Michael is," she begins, "but you have to promise not to tell anyone else."

"I promise, honey," Mom says, miming zipping her lips shut.

"Chris, you promise too."

Chris looks at her for a moment like he's going to disagree, then he winces as Mom kicks him under the table. "I promise too."

"Good." She takes another breath and reaches for the ring around her neck. The second she brings it out from under her shirt, Chris's silverware clatters against the plate and Mom inhales sharply.

"Rose," she says shakily, "where did you get that?"

"Before I said yes to joining you," Rose says, "I met K outside the lab. He told me there might be a way to get rid of my powers for good."

Chris frowns. "K never said anything like that to me, what do you—"

"I'm getting there. He took me to the lab where there was a piece of the Megamycete, and said that—"

"He what?"

"Will you both just listen to me?" The two of them quiet down. "Thank you. So, like I was saying, he took me to see the piece of it and said that there was a purifying crystal that Miranda discovered that could take the mold out of someone. All I had to do was look through the Megamycete's index of consciousness to see if I could find it."

"That's incredibly dangerous, Rose," Mom says quietly, and Chris looks like he's trying to strangle his fork. "Please tell me you didn't—"

"I wanted them gone," she interrupts, looking at her Mom, "they were—I was just a freak with no friends. Someone offered me the chance to be normal, are you telling me you wouldn't have done the same thing if you were a teenager?"

Mom looks at her for a long moment, but she doesn't disagree. Rose squeezes the ring and keeps going.

"It wasn't that easy, obviously. It was…really hard. And really scary. I had to fight my way through these, like, twisted versions of the places in Miranda's village, like that big castle and the creepy doll house, and there were all these versions of me that kept getting killed and tortured, I fought a version of Eveline too—"

"Rose," Chris tries to say but she doesn't let him.

"—but I had help," she continues. "There was something helping me. It helped me figure out where to go, what to do, gave me a gun and taught me how to use it. There were these glowing words that would appear when I needed them most and it…it was like having a guardian angel."

"Michael," Chris says, and she nods.

"Yeah, I called him Michael. He—he kept trying to get me to leave, said that it wasn't safe, but I wanted to find the crystal and so he helped me. And then we found out K wasn't actually K and it was all a trap set by Miranda—"

"It was what?"

Chris is already getting up. "Is she still in there? Do we need to—"

"Sit down, Chris, it's fine, we beat her. She's dead now, like, really, actually dead. She crystalized and turned to dust, I saw it."

His face still looks like he ate a lemon, but Chris sits slowly back down. He exchanges a worried look with Mom and she puts her hand on Rose's shoulder. "You said 'we?'"

"Me and Michael." She looks down at the ring and turns it over in her hand. "Until I found out who he really was."

Mom gasps, a small and shuddery thing. She holds her hand over her mouth and stares at Rose. "Ethan."

Chris makes a noise too as Rose nods. "Yeah. It was him the whole time. He…he protected me. From Miranda, from Eveline, from everything."

"He loved you so much, honey," Mom whispers, her eyes growing wet, "he never stopped loving you."

"He showed me our house in Romania," and to her horror, she can feel her voice growing thick too, "with all his memories. I heard his voice, Mom, he—he wrote me a letter, did you know?"

"Yes," Mom says, trying not to sob, clutching her shoulder, "yeah, honey, I know. He cried so much while he was writing it, he wanted you to get old enough to read it with him, oh, Rose…"

She swipes a hand under her nose and turns to Chris, who's doing that big, tough, I'm-too-manly-for-my-emotions-right-now thing and reaches for him too. After a moment, his hand turns and covers hers. He's trembling. "He taught me how to fight, Chris. We—we fought together. He shot the monsters in the face with a shotgun and gave me his power so I could kill Miranda, once and for all."

Chris swallows heavily. "Your dad was…he was one of the best men I've ever known, Rosie. He would be so proud of you." He sniffs. "You said he shot them in the face with a shotgun?"

"Mhm."

"Yeah, that sounds like Ethan, alright." Mom laughs and it sort of sounds like a sob but she and Chris are smiling now, so it's okay. Chris looks back at her and nods a few times. "So you were talking to him, then?"

"Yeah. When you walked by on Tuesday, I think it was…yeah, we were arguing about whether the original Blade Runner was better than 2049." She wrinkles her nose. "He said the original was better but I like the remake."

Chris frowns. "What do you mean, he said—"

The words scrawl over Mom's dining table, illuminating their faces.

i like the classics, that's all

Rose would laugh at the way Chris almost falls out of his chair if his hand and Mom's weren't trembling. She looks at Mom, who stares at the glowing words, and at Chris, who looks like he's about to be sick.

Mom breaks the silence first. "…Ethan?"

The words move, now right next to her forgotten plate.

hi honey

"You're—you're—"

bad at staying dead?

Mom's breath leaves her like she's been punched in the gut. "Oh, Ethan, I—I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry—"

breathe, it's okay

She squeezes Mom's hand as she takes a few shaky breaths. "What—how is this possible?"

rose

"We're both part of the mold," Rose says when Mom looks to her, "he's…he's using my part right now, we're sort of sharing it."

told her i'm not a scientist, figured you'd get it :)

"No one uses those anymore," Mom mumbles and Rose whispers a quiet told you so! as the smiley turns to a frowny for a moment, before the words change again.

i know it's been hard, i'll always love you

"Oh, Ethan," Mom whispers, reaching out to touch the words. She gasps as a flicker of warmth pulses through them and Rose squeezes her hand again. "I miss you."

i miss you too

Another glow flickers up next to Chris, who startles and stares down at the words in shock.

you too

"E-Ethan, I—" he cuts himself off as the words swirl again.

thank you for taking care of my daughter

Chris swallows heavily. "She's incredible, Ethan. You should be proud of her."

always am

"I'm sorry," Chris whispers, and something in Rose's gut clenches at how close to tears he looks too, "if I'd been faster, we could've gotten you out of there, we could've…"

it's okay, Chris, we're all okay

"You're dead."

i died in 2017, doing pretty well considering

"He is really bad at staying dead," Rose adds, "Miranda said so too. You should've seen her, she was so mad at us."

Chris looks like he's having a hard time deciding whether he wants to laugh or cry. The sparkles swirl again.

she's a fighter, she gets that from you too

His free hand jerks and Rose squeezes the one in hers. "You can touch, Chris, he won't bite. That's my thing."

it won't hurt, promise

Chris takes a deep breath and slowly touches the words. His breath leaves him in a rush as they glow warmly under his fingers. Rose smiles as she feels the mold connect all of them there, in that moment, through her and Ethan. Some part of her clicks into place. As if he can feel it too, which he probably can, another set of words appears in front of her.

we're so proud of you, Rosie

"Yeah, yeah," she mumbles as she feels heat rush to her cheeks, "shut up."

no :)

Mom laughs. "We finally have all three of us together again and you want us to not tell you how proud we are of you?"

"They've got a point, Rosie."

"I'll break your nose!"

"No, no," Mom says as Chris squawks, even though she's still smiling, "no breaking Chris's nose."

even if he deserves it

"Hey!"

As they all laugh together, Ethan's words still glowing in the warm, quiet house, Rose sits back in her chair and twists her dad's ring around her finger. Sure, being a mold bioweapon teenager was weird, but if this is the family she gets to have because of it, it can't be all bad.

[scramble-crossing]

2 3 10 12 13 for the ask game!

2. A headcanon you weren't sure about at first but have come to like! Ok this is hard to answer because I forget what's canon and what's intricately-woven-into-my-brain headcanon but I'll say the "Kariya was an Angel" theory! I never disliked it, but I never liked it more than the simpler explanation of "Oh he's just been around the block a couple of times, that's why he knows more than the average Reaper but still couldn't pick out Joshua as the Composer-that stuff's above his paygrade." Even now it's not "canon to me" level of headcanon, but I can see the appeal and really I appreciate anything that inspires people to look a littler closer at characters like Kariya or Uzuki. Also it's really good when played for comedy. His ass is showing up at the Angel convention, stealing as many appetizers as he can, and bouncing before anyone can point out that he got fired 30 years ago for skipping meetings to go play Tin Pin with random Wall Reapers.

3. A character that fandom has helped you appreciate It's too easy to say Coco so Beat! It's embarrassing to admit but I kinda had a bone to pick with him when I was first getting into the series for sorta "replacing Sho" in neo. I didn't think he was as interesting (and to be fair he really isn't in neo until you take his relation to Rindo's arc into consideration; he works wonderfully as a back for Rindo to hide behind even if his own story was very much concluded by the end of the first game. Then there's also his dynamic with Neku, which is very very good, but he didn't need to be a player character for that. Anyways). Beat analysis posting made me actually pay attention to him while replaying the games and realize how much I'd missed skimming over him in W2 (the poor guy's really gotta try to compete with fan darling Joshua and Sho, aka the loudest fucking man alive, for screen time). His stint as a Reaper is incredibly fascinating. I forget who, but I always distinctly remember someone talking about Beat getting prepped to try and deaden his heart and become as brutal and merciless as a Reaper is supposed to be before ultimately choosing kindness in both his siding with Neku and sparing Kariya and Uzuki in W3 and man.....yeah. He's just such a good guy. He's easily in the top 10 favs now, if not the top 5

10. A blog (mutual or one you follow) that has made your fandom experience brighter Well....yknow....

There are a LOT of others and I'm too shy to tag but goldensunset (incredible analysis) playtwewy (fav fics ever) sho-minamimoto (awesome art + sho headcanons) dj-of-the-coven (made me love beat) purplelea (also incredible analysis) bitternami (very kind and wow I read a fic of yours once and it blew me away...I will remember to find it and leave a comment soon) leonvilasi (always leaves fun and interesting comments in my notes) off the top of my head and a whole bunch of people who aren't as active in the twewy fandom anymore or whose art I love and the people I always see leaving funny tags in my notes you're all awesome <3

12. Compliment someone else in your fandom AUGH HELL ON EARTH!!! dandelion2302 I absolutely adore the way you draw Sho your art is amazing.................

13. Your favorite type of fandom event (gift exchange, ship week, secret santa, prompt meme, etc) Yknow I've never actually done any fandom events before twewy! I had a blast during the twewybang and while I probably won't participate again for a while (I'd rather finish the fic I wrote for the 23 one first) it was a wonderful first experience with this sort of thing :]

[zeroducks-2]

Freedom of speech but not freedom from consequences. Anti-censorship but we still don’t want to platform bigots 🫤 Coming from a neutral party, I think you could learn a lot from listening to all perspectives to avoid echo chambers. Form your own opinion instead of following a crowd. My opinion? Hate the person, not the ship. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, but that is what the book cover is made for. I think it’s healthier if you and everyone else stopped trying to be antagonistic? How are you supposed to spread positivity if you’re always on the verge of angry ranting?

Okay I'm going to try and answer for the sake of the people who might read this kind of bs in their inboxes and be affected negatively by it, and maybe even feel like they're being unfair towards the very bullies which spend their energies harassing and insulting (and sometimes also doxxing and suicide bating) us.

Let's break this down.

1. "freedom of speech but not freedom from consequences" I can't even talk about some dark themes in fiction or my own personal history of real life abuse without getting termed here. Erotic art can't be posted almost anywhere at this point, and not just the kind antis dislike. Freedom is a construct on social media because ultimately these spaces are owned by someone, and you'll be kicked out if they don't like you.

2 "we don't want to platform bigots" no, absolutely we don't. Historically, giving a platform to bigots and hatemongers fosters hate, violence and censorship. Also I have no power to platform or deplatform anyone, I'm just a guy on tumblr, so I don't even know what you're on about with this. If I had the power to decide, trust me that I would kick the terfs the fuck out of here anyways. And also the cowards who hide under the anon cover to send hate and threats.

3 "listen to perspectives and avoid echo chambers" I'm over 30 and I've been a kinkster for most of my life. I'm queer. Among other things, history and queer history are in my field of studies. I didn't form my opinion here, I came here with one already. I listened to all the perspectives you might think of also because I was here when the rise of censorship and puritanism happened, and by the way you know who got deplatformed? The kinkster and the artists, surely not the bigots. I don't think I've ever seen an instance of an anti being blocked or termed for harassment, whereas blogs get blocked every day for having NSFW content.

4 "form your own opinion instead of following a crowd" again, do you really think I existed as a blank slate before creating this blog?

5 "my opinion is(...)" You sound like a Christian preacher and it gives me the heebiejeebies.

6 "it's healthier if you stopped trying to be antagonistic" sweetheart, we are being bullied every day. If you're someone who creates erotic art of any kind you're subjected to a ton of harassment, and if you create something which could be considered problematic, you get death threats. Suibating. Insults lathered with misogyny, transphobia, queerphobia, you get treated like a freak of nature and threatened to have your livelihood taken away. Or threats of doxxing and of deplatforming. And you might very well get your blog shut down. I'm going to stop being antagonistic when I'll stop being antagonized, and if you think that said bullying is justified and I should just suck it up - and I say this in the most antagonistic way possible - fuck off. Not one single ship or one single fictional character is worth the harassment of another human being.

7 "how are you supposed to spread positivity of you're always on the verge of angry ranting" What makes you think I want to spread postivity? No like, honestly. What makes you think that my purpose with this blog is that. I'm here to talk about my blorbos, and if this makes someone happy then good for them. If the fact that I'm opinionated and passionate about things bothers you, no one is forcing you to stay.

Your whole thing is a mix of victim blaming and fake neutrality which is not welcome on my blog. Please block me and go on with your life, I'm not interested in your empty platitudes.

To anyone else who's reading this, don't ever feel guilty for defending yourself and for fighting back against oppressive measures. There is never a good reason for harassment, and if you were subjected to it, it's in your right to be angry. No matter what p r o b l e m a t i c ship you posted about.

[witchinatree]

magnus protocol episode 30 ramble

WE'RE SO FUCKING BACK WE'RE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING BACK

i was relistening today to get in the spirit but i only got through episode 15 :( it's ok though 16-29 were more recent

anyway i'm like hardcore tweaking because i need this so bad but i'm also so not ready for this HIATUS?? it's both over and we're so back

i'm like kind of nervous.... LMAOOO????? anyway um here's hoping my blog @is-teddy-vaughn-still-alive doesn't immediately have to start saying he's dead for the rest of time i've had it for like 3 days

this is going to alter me as a person.

TWEAKINGGG here we go :]!!

the magnus protocol intro goes really hard i think i've said this before though

he said job but i heard jon. dead end JON like the season 2 finale of the magnus archives

OH IMMEDIATE SAM POV LET'S GO I GUESS. sam stop ignoring her.

WHY DID MY EX JUST TEXT ME. WHY DID MY EX GIRLFRIEND JUST TEXT ME. I THOUGHT I BLOCKED HER NUMBER?? HANG ON I HAVE TO PAUSE AND TELL MY FRIENDS ABOUT THIS AND THEN GO BLOCK HER NUMBER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. dude.

oh my god i have to respond to this because i have class with her tomorrow are you fucking serious chat are you fucking serious

i don't even.. i can't even.. what the hell. during my magnus time? really? on THE magnus day? fuck oh my god. i.. i..... I'M SCARED??????

we're not touching that. anyway ummmmmm what the HELL ??? LMAO SORRY WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE PROTOCOL RAMBLE NOW???? we literally haven't spoken since like march when she sent me the "breakup closure playlist" and i thought i BLOCKED HER. tweaking OUTTTTTTTT.

having to restart the episode after this one i'm.. i need a reset..

sam she's not upset she's telling you you're in TROUBLE stop GHOSTING HER you are in DANGER babe. SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS RIGHT SHE IS RIGHT SHE IS RIGHT BABE YESSSSSS!!!! connect those dots honey it is your fault

SAM? SAM? SAM? WHAT'S? WHY IS HE COUGHING? I'M REALLY. WORRIED. I'M REALLY SCARED.

if sam dies here i'm gonna have to delete those sam hating posts i swear to god i'm gonna have to delete them i love him now

"there's a plan?" (disregards) woah. celia. what. i'm really really really scared help

i feel like we're listening to his final moments and i'm no................ "we're safe here" CELIA??????

ALICE PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW THEM PLEASE BABE IT'S OVER FOR SAM BUT IT'S NOT ENTIRELY OVER FOR YOU

COLIN? COLIN???????? COOLLOLININNK??????????? I'M CRYING COLIN HONEY PLEASE DI NOT DIE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WHAT DID HE DO WHAT DID HE DO WHAT DID HE DO WHAT DID HE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

GO TO THE OFFICE ALICE. HE'S DEAD TEDDY'S DEAD ALICE YOU NEED TO STOP IGNORING THEM FOR SAM'S SAKE THEY'RE BOTH DEAD AS HELLLLLLLL

gwen come through and be okay pls. gwen pls. TREVOR HERBERT NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME CACKLE I'M SORRY.

lena do you still have your job? babygirl? oh god. something bad is gonna happen to her. is there a lena death count lmao

"but i think you will be" LENA???? shaking actually hello. goodbye lena???? YOU'RE ALL GOING TO NEED IT WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???????????????????? gwenny are you laughing or crying or nope you're laughing. you are laughing.

they're at hilltop center oh my fuckign god they're here nervously petting my desk??? what am i doing.

"checking for tape recorders" LORD.

"call it a hunch" loooooooooooooooord.

hey why's sam humming he's being so fucking weird rn???? he's being so weird????????? so is celia actually i really hate this

"we want your teeth" these are all weird places huh. interestinggggg.

celia you gotta stop pushing sam please pleeasasee

i'm so freake WHO IS THAT WHOOO????? LMAO??????? poor dude

"i better go lock it back up before it's..." ooh supernatural worker

LMAOO IT'S SO HAUNTED PLS GET OUTTTTTTT PLSSSSS GET OUTTTTTTT

you SHOULD go sam and celia you SHOULD

she's being super weird is she like actually a shitty person bc i was kinda defending her with my whole being

"if you're stupid enough to go poking around, that's on you" this guy would love alice

oh speak of the devil hi babe!!!!

NO HESTITATION AFTER THE BRIBE LMAOO

I ACTUALLY HEARD THE TAPE RECORDER THIS TIME I'M SO PROUD.

oh the custodian is gonna die that sucks so much because i actually really like him he's coughing like sam was i'm really worried

oooh that was the clearest thing we've heard the archivist say

THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES MUSIC I'M GOING TO START CRYING SO LOUD I CAN'T EVEN ANYMORE

OH WHY WOULD YOU BRING UP THE FINGERNAIL THING I LOST A FINGERNAIL FROM THE ROOT YESTERDAY.

dogs.. like lady mowbray...

NIKOLA ORSINOV????????????????????????? NIKOLA??????????????????? BABE?????????????????????????????

no it was a person unfortunately

DEAD IN HIS OFFICE???? oh what the actual fuck

okay they're really not subtle about the magnus archives theme anymore LMFAO

oh my god he's dying :( i really liked him he seemed so chill

WHAT??????????????????? DID HE JUST BECOME THE BUILDING????????????????????????????????????????????? DUDE COME ON CAN ONE MINOR SIDE CHARACTER JUST BE OKAY AND HAPPY. rip i guess? rest in piece (singular)

"she can wait" you're pissing me off.

celia knows this too damn well she knows it TOO well. did she ever have to dig herself out of this

IS THIS THE RIP??????

celia? celia is this where you came from. "almost" HUH?

WHAT'S HAPPENING WHAT'S HAPPENING??? SAM YOU'RE KINDA REAL FOR THIS ACTUALLY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO HIM PLEASE

if he dies. i'm gonna be so upset.

WOAH. WOAHHHHHHHH. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. THE INSTITUTE ALCHEMY IT'S ALL ABOUT BALANCE IT WANTS HER BACK IT. WHAHTUAHAHDHAHGAGDGASYFGAFYGTASGTGFGJS

the equation doesn't balance so you have to go back? oh that's why she wakes up randomly because it's pulling her!! "there's nothing to go back to" sad face. lynne hammond did have a................................ celia. ceeeeeeelia.

celia don't fucking do it don't fucking do it don't fucking do it.

"I REALLY DID LIKE YOU" I'M HYPERVENTILATING. SHE'S CARRYING A KNIFE. I'M HYPERVENTILATING.

I'M CRYING. WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED. WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING. WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING. IS THIS CELIA'S STATEMENT???

THE FEARLESS ONE I'M ACTUALLY WEEPING??????

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT SAM ARE YOU OKAY. ALCIUEJ NAOLIKJDHFJVDFHIJBHABHIFBJGHF

I'M SO UNOKAY I'M SOOOOO ALICE NO PLEASE BABYDOLL PLEASE YOU'RE SO FUCKED YOU'RE SO FUCKED

NOT THE FUCKING HILLTOP DUDE GOD DAMMIT

shaking trembling violently rocking back and forth i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared

gwenny.... hhhhhh

oh hey it's trevor! can we pls go find out what just happened to sam i need him to be alright.

what is that fuckass no HELLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO OH MY GOD ALICE IS THERE AND CELIA AND SAM OHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD. OOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD. WHERE'S SAM.

he's not.. is he? oh no.

THEY BOOOOOOOOOOTH FELL THROUGH???????? AND YOU'RE ENDING THE FUCKING EPISODE THERE DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME ANYMORE YOOUUUUUUUUUUU. YOU. OH MY FUCK.

i need to go take a moment to reflect or something holy fucking shit.

[synamartia]

❖ Call me Syn, Syna, or Raina, or whatever comes to mind when you think of me~ ( be nice, there ain't none of that negativity here ! ) I'll also respond to Smut Santa / Saint Dickolaus! 😉

❖ I'm 29, about to be 30. I'm afab and use female pronouns. Happy mama of 2 beautiful babes~ They come first before anything else, so if I don't get back to you in a timely manner or like... at all... that's why. Or maybe I just don't like you. ( nahhh that's not it ... ? )

❖ Previously went by Taqsyq, but after YEARS of being out of the writing game and just off of tumblr in general, I've decided to start over fresh. I started Taqsyq when I was like sixteen or seventeen, still in my nerdy emo girl phase fuck I still am, and there is a shit ton of things that I just wanna run away from when it comes to that blog/username, including some very bad memories that I'm not going to discuss publicly. Plus, again: seventeen, nerdy emo girl phase. Everything I wrote on that blog was the highest form of OOC cringe like you just saw a stripper accidentally slam her hoo-ha on a pole bullshit for me. The only reason I'm not deleting it is because I'm a memory hoarder and despite all the bad, I want to keep it for all the good that happened there as well. Besides, it's the account that I ran imagine-reborn (an imagines blog for Katekyo Hitman Reborn) under and I figured, if nothing else, I could get a few laughs and maybe even learn a thing or two from how god-awful teenage me was at writing.

❖ My rules are simple. Be kind to all: this is a safe zone for EVERYONE. I would like to keep it that way. I don't have a list for what I will and will not write (yet), so all I can tell you is: ask. My inbox is always open. If I don't feel comfortable writing something, I'll let you know!

❖ Minors: as of right now, I don't think I'll be posting anything that is safe for your consumption, so I would very much appreciate it if you did not interact. If you are not a minor and do not have an age indicator, this rule applies to you as well. I check my follower list daily and I WILL block anyone that does not adhere to this rule.

❖ Requests: Closed ( not for long. I promise ;D )

❖ Currently, I only write for Hazbin Hotel. But I'm open for discussion on anything else on my list down below! I'm always looking for something new to watch/read, so if you have any recommendations, fire away!

❖ Series ; Current Hyperfixation: Hazbin Hotel

Anime : Naruto ; InuYasha ; Death Note ; Bleach ; Hellsing ; Soul Eater ; Fruits Basket ; D.Gray-Man [ Original / Hallow ] ; Kuroshitsuji ; Katekyo Hitman Reborn ; Ao No Exorcist ; Yu Yu Hakusho ; Full Metal Alchemist ; One Piece* ; Shingeki No Kyojin ; Kimetsu No Yaiba ; Jujutsu Kaisen**

* Still trying to catch up. This is a massive anime, and I've spent the better half of this past year trying to watch it all. I've made it to the Raid on Onigashima, the part where Yamato got his bracelets removed. Love him, by the way! <3

** Nanaminnnn~! I am not okay about anything with this man. <3

Manga / Manhwa : Everything mentioned above ; Noblesse ; Bloody Cross ; Area D

TV : Hazbin Hotel ; Helluva Boss ; Game Of Thrones ; Vikings ; Avatar: The Last Airbender ; The Legend Of Korra ; Supernatural

Books : A Song Of Ice & Fire ; Twilight Saga why did teenage me think it was the greatest series ever shoot me now fucking christ

Video Games : Final Fantasy Series + Individual Prequels, Sequels, Movies, Remakes* [ 7 / 9 / 10 / 13 / 15** ] ; Tales Of Series [ Legendia / Zestiria / Berseria / Arise ] ; Devil May Cry Series ; Kingdom Hearts Series*** ; Star Ocean Series [ Till The End Of Time / The Divine Force ] ; The Legend Of Zelda [ A Link To The Past ] ; Sonic Series ; Spyro Series ; Shining Force Series [ 1 / 2 ] ; Lufia Series [ Fortress Of Doom / Rise Of The Sinistrals ] ; Diablo 3 ; Lunar [ Silver Star Story Complete ] ; Infinite Undiscovery ; to be updated as I remember / play.

* So far, I've only played the first installment of Final Fantasy 7 Remake because I currently do not own a PS5, but I'm working on it. The Compilation of Final Fantasy 7 is my absolute favorite series of all time. I could watch Advent Children ( original and complete ) on repeat, and I've played the original release so many times that I don't even need a guide to get a 100% on a brand new save ( Obsessed much? Yup ). I'm a completionist at heart, and this game is amazing and it provides a massive sense of nostalgia for me.

** SLIGHT SPOILER (maybe? You've been warned) Another amazing installment in the Final Fantasy series, this game is so well written in my opinion. It stays away from the bigger cliches you see in most RPGs ( eg : the guy gets the girl, friendship is the key to saving the world, etc. ), the characters are so individually complex, the villain technically wins and reminds you how easy it would be for you to become the same type of monster. Plus badass women that fix your car, lights up entire cities, wakes up the fucking Gods to fight on your side, takes the entire mercenary army they led and defects to your side? IN HEELS? YES PLEASE. It has one of the best enemy turned ally characters in the FF series; I'm just disappointed we didn't get to see much of Aranea after everything in Tenebrae. Also Ardyn has some serious daddy vibes, and I would literally give my left tit just to lick Aranea's boot ( oh, the things I would do to these two, phew~ ).

*** Let's be real here. The Kingdom Hearts Series makes zero sense if you didn't play all of them and you didn't pay attention to each and every detail, and I did neither. I played 2 and 3 when they originally came out, but in my defense: it doesn't look like a series that follows a singular story, something that I did not know at the time, and usually the series I play have an entirely different story per installment ( eg : Final Fantasy and Tales Of ). I tried to piece together the story from online synopses and second hand game play ( I watched someone else play ), and it just didn't work out. So, suffice to say, my knowledge of Kingdom Hearts goes about as far as basic facts regarding Organization XIII because they were my whole reason for trying the games in the first place. I'm still open to discussion about it, though! Just keep in mind my side will be very limited. Sorry!

To Be Read / Watched / Played : Phantasy Star Series ; Final Fantasy Series [ 1-6 / 8 / 11-12 / 14 / 16 ] ; Diablo 4 ; Black Clover ; Hell's Paradise ; Fairy Tale ; The Seven Deadly Sins ; My Hero Academia

❖ Look out below for a face reveal!

Dividers used © anitalenia

[uchiha-gaeshi]

~ Introduction Post ~

Last updated: 2025-01-26

Hello, and welcome to my blog! Right now, I'm trying to make this blog more Naruto fandom focused, so you'll find non-fandom and personal posts here: @chronically-insecure. Unfortunately, you'll find people like @shin-suusenju running their mouths with shit takes.

This blog was formerly sasuke-did-nothing-wrong.

Note: If you have an empty blog (i.e. default profile pic, "Untitled", and nothing reblogged or posted), I might assume you're a bot and block you.

Also, if you're new to Tumblr (or still barely have a grasp on how to use this site), find some helpful posts here, here, here, here, and here.

~ Navigation ~

~ Here are some things to know about this blog ~

Right now, I post/reblog Warring Clans/Konoha Founders' Era content, although I do dabble a bit in other parts of the Naruto fandom.

Since this also functions as my main blog, you might see a couple non-Naruto or non-fandom related posts

I mostly reblog things I find neat, and I often ramble and yap in the tags. I am over 18, so there will be a smattering of nsfw posts. I usually tag them as nsfw (#cw: nsfw) and/or nsft (#cw: nsft).

If you see me spam-liking your posts without a single reblog, that's probably because the posts are stuck in my queue. You'll hear back from me in 3-5 business days (or...weeks. Sometimes, I have enough posts in my queue to last at least 2 months).

This is a pro-sasuke, pro-uchiha, anti-konoha, anti-hiruzen, anti-danzo, and anti-hagoromo blog.

I change opinions as often as I switch outfits, so if you see a take you think is dumb, drop by again to see me contradict myself. I contain multitudes.

Don't be shy about stalking my blog and spam liking/reblogging!

My asks and DMs are always open! I’m currently shadowbanned, so I won’t see any messages or asks on this blog. Try messaging my personal blog @chronically-insecure . Just make sure to be a decent human being and we'll be good.

______________________________________________________________

~ A little bit about the person behind the blog ~

Name: you can refer to me as Nana Akua, Eugene, or UG

Pronouns: they/them

Age: over 20. Maybe by a little maybe by a lot

Gender: non-binary, for brevity's sake

I'm neurodivergent (adhd)

I'm Black (Ghanaian-American)

pro-palestine, pro-lebanon (can't believe I have to say that), so if you're a zionist you're not gonna have a fun time on this blog

I've been into Naruto since I was like 6 (in hindsight, I don't think someone that young can really understand what's going on. Hell, you got dudebros in their 30s who don't really know what's going on, and also.... I'll just stop there)

______________________________________________________________

~ Characters of Interest ~

This is a blog that focuses on the Founders' Era, so this list includes pretty much every character named in the databook and also: Hashirama and Tobirama's unnamed mother (because who gives a fuck about those amirite \s), Madara and Izuna's unnamed mother, and Madara's unnamed siblings

Obito

Sasuke

Granny Chiyo

Temari

Tsunade

Comfort Characters: Shizune, Yamato, Omoi, Sai

______________________________________________________________

~ Ships ~

Yeah, I'm one of those dreaded shippers. So, here is a non-exhaustive list of ships (romantic, platonic etc.) I like, dislike, or have certain thoughts on. This is just a very limited snapshot of what piques my interest now, and these can change at any time. With mlm/wlw ships, I don't really care who tops/bottoms, and if I do it's because I'm being a contrarian.

OTPs: HashiMada, SNS, TsunaDan (this is now my token het ship)

BROTPs (i.e. familial, platonic, mentorship etc, NOT ROMANTIC): Hashirama & Tobirama, Sand Siblings, Madara & Izuna, Madara & Obito, Sasuke & Itachi, Kakashi & Obito (this is also a romantic ship I find intriguing)

NOTPs: most UchiSaku (including, but not limited to: MadaSaku, SasuSaku, ItaSaku), Akatsuki x Sakura (Don't get me wrong, I ship the girl with anyone, but I'm a contrarian at heart and get tired of seeing her paired with these characters in particular. I mean, the Konoha 11 is right fucking there!!!), any incest ships (sorry that's not my thing)

Ships I find intriguing (a non-exhaustive list): MinaKushi (has been demoted from my OTP list thanks to this post), HashiMito (same thing going on as MinaKushi, but it's in that grey area of OTP and intriguing ship), MadaMito, HashiMadaMito, TobiIzu/IzuTobi, MadaGai (it could also count as my OTP), MadaHika, JiraOroTsu (toxic polycule version), InoSaku, MadaTobi (it reeeaaally depends on how the character are depicted tho), MikoKushi, KakaGai, KakaYama, among many, many others

Ships I ship because I think it's fucking hilarious (i.e. crack ships): Madara x Gato (nooo don't leave the blog), Tobirama x Sasuke (aged up, pls don't come for me), HiruDanzo (because I want the absolute worst for these characters), HashiMadaReto (found this ot3 on a blog that stopped being active in like 2016)

______________________________________________________________

~ Other media I've had interest in before (and might create sideblogs for who knows) ~

The Walking Dead (it was my hyperfixation from late 2022 to around fall 2023)

Blue Eye Samurai: my BES sideblog is @mizusgendermakesmeinsane

One Piece

The Boys (my hyperfixation in 2021)

Arcane

Invincible

Scissor Seven

Death Note

The Crown

Code Lyoko (did anyone watch this show in the 2000s?)

ATLA

I've listened to a significant number of episodes from the following podcasts: Behind the Bastards, Noble Blood, You're Wrong About, Maintenance Phase, A Bit Fruity

[dragon-dicks]

Pinned!

🔞THIS IS AN 18+ BLOG ONLY!🔞

I *WILL* block those who are not 18 who try to follow this blog!

I wanted this URL for years and only now after the porn ban do I finally get it. God thinks he's funny like that.

Hellbent/Bentley/Bent, if you must call me anything. 21+.

If the icon of a shopping cart full of tiny Bad Dragon dildos didn't give it away, this is a sideblog for NSFW content (even if site staff and payment processors are damn determined they're stronger than the Almighty Horny).

The kinks are probably tame by Tumblr standards, but this is still a place to be anonymously foul and down bad in peace without normie interference or judgment.

My main is...none of your business. If you do know what my main is, *mind* ya damn business. My exact gender and sexuality is also none of your business, either, you don't need to know my alphabet.

I don't intend to be so abrasive, but I just want to enjoy my horny corner in peace and it's so hard to do that on the modern internet these days.

Anyway, here's some common tags/kinks and also a hard no list. Subject to be changed over time.

HARD NOs: Pregnancy, birthing, or baby-related content of ANY kind (including omegaverse and its tropes), scat/shit/coprophilia, vomiting, DDLG/CGL dynamics (I realize the irony of me saying that, when I have what is basically a daddy issues kink, but those specific dynamics have strong ties to age regression and littlespace, which is *not* my thing, so that's why), father-daughter incest, diapers, bimbofication or other forms of forced feminization, misogyny and patriarchy kink, feederism/feedee/weight loss or gain-based kinks, raceplay, obviously no IRL depictions of bestiality/necrophilia/snuff/gore/incest/pedophilia.

(Note: Some gender play might still go on, but it generally won't be aligned with overt feminization or feminine stuff. Also using derogatory terms like "whore, cunt, bitch, etc." is fine, again, it's only in the specific context of misogyny/patriarchy shit I don't want it.)

#not dragon dicks: Meme shit or other things barely or not even remotely related to horny shit. #get bent bentley: Original posts made by me. #tie a hoe down: Usually has to do with bondage in some way. #forgive me father for I have sinned; I've sinned a lot: Priest and otherwise religious kink. Didn't think this would actually be a frequent one but uh. You learn new things about yourself everyday. #dragon dicks: In case the blogname wasn't obvious, we fuck dragons here. #monstrous lovers: ...Among other, not-dragon creatures and monsters. The non-dragon furry and teratophilia shit, basically. #bark at the moon: This one's specifically for transformation and/or lycanthropy and werewolf tropes. Yes, it's different. #that is not medicine: Various things under the medical kink umbrella. May include gore, snuff, that kind of content. Be wary and make sure to blacklist appropriately. #a bit of the old ultraviolence: Non-medical blood, gore, violent acts such as beatings and cannibalism. Again, be wary and make sure to blacklist appropriately. #I'm a thirsty little flower: Piss kink. Mind the splash zone. #do you want to make love to a sad old man?: The tag for DILFs and a very specific kink that a group of friends and I coined called 'saddy kink.'

What is a saddy, you ask? A saddy should ideally have several traits:

OLDER. A saddy needs to be 30+ at absolute minimum, 35+ preferred, 40+ even better. A 20 year old anime twink is not a saddy.

Miserable. This is the 'sad' part of the saddy. Needs to reek of divorce and alcohol, preferably both.

Fatherly vibes. He doesn't necessarily need to be a GOOD caretaker but he needs to at least be trying when it comes to kids/younger people.

Examples: Joel Miller (The Last of Us), Booker DeWitt (Bioshock Infinite), Shane (Stardew Valley), John Lowe (American Horror Story: Hotel)

Anyway, let's have some fun here. I swear, I don't bite...often. 💚

[roadkiii]

Entry 1.4.7-2 - The Long Grind

Welcome to my blog. I’m not tagging anything but entry #, so sorry if my unrelated mess somehow ends up in your search.

There are so many features I'm excited for, I think I'll also add a couple of planned intermissions waaayy down the line just for me to look at and look forward to. Life stress is getting to me, but I want this world to be my kind of happy place so that A) I continue to work on it, but more importantly B) I'm doing something productive (to me anyway) with my time and not doomscrolling. If I'm going to stare at a screen for several hours straight I'd much rather give myself the space to think for myself and the opportunity for a creative outlet than mindlessly swapping between tumblr and youtube to idly kill time.

I'm also excited to build little lore tidbits into this world, I just had a creeper explode and reveal this cave to me, I might just dig around and make this into some kind of excavation site when bone blocks are added.

I kind of like the idea of a crater-ridden desert (who knows, some future update may change it into something else anyway) and I could probably do some cool fossils, they'd be massive. maybe just partially exposed sometimes in the sand.

AH MY BELOVED [I AM ACTIVELY BEING SHOT]

???? what genie magic have I activated can i please just get mellohi--

Also side note, I've been messing around on a creative world and I think if I just eat a gapple and get Smite V I really only need like two Healing II potions and a bucket of milk and I could probably kill the wither more than 3 times. The reason I think this is so doable is because I've been building the wither with the obsidian end pillars. The wither typically doesn't get very far so a bow isn't even needed.

[Pic from creative world] I'm basically getting more obsidian AND a star. plus I think I read that the pillars regenerate when you respawn the dragon later. Though maybe that won't happen here. I'll have to see.

I need more EXP to try for Smite since I already enchanted my bow (Power IV BD I'm okay with it tbh) and I still want carrots, so I'll create a zombie exp farm. I'm following this tutorial so I hope it'll still work.

Okay, seems functional. I do hear thunder though, so I'm a little nervous about what's happening on the surface.

I couldn't quite follow the instructions of his tutorial since soul sand doesn't exist yet, but I got lucky with my bedrock and they fall to 22 blocks right here. This will be so fucking nice. As I sit and idle though, the zombie sounds make me so anxious while I'm looking away from the screen lol

I'm hoping to get a full set of chainmail at some point as well, so this should be helpful.

One annoying part of this grinder is that I keep having to run back and forth, if I sit at the bottom and wait I think I'm out of the function distance for the spawner. I'm also not certain how many zombies I can have at a time down there, I see the number 24 thrown around a lot, but I don't know if that's a recent update. I do have two carrots though, so I guess I'll run up and plant those, maybe use some bonemeal (before that gets nerfed in 1.5 (or maybe I'll just wait until i hit 30 xp)

gdi again with the sharpness >:/ I'm happy to have looting now but this may take A While. I'd take Smite III at this point, but all I ever seem to get is sharpness.

okay I guess I can consider the farm done, the pigs and cows haven't been escaping from their pens so I'm not focused on getting [edit from months in the future: this was just left incomplete. dont work on your projects high kids.]

Now I guess I need to start putting this sword to use and get some skulls so I can actually summon the wither.

FUCK

Okay. I got Very lucky, none of my enchanted tools or the single skull I have fell. I'm going to take a break because that wasn't good for my blood pressure.

I think I'm genuinely going to need to grind for a while, so [letsgameitout voice] hold please

next (1.4.7-3)

[kurokoros]

You don't have to answer this bc again, I don't really want to escalate things. But I found the person, and when I saw who is mutuals with them or even liked certain stuff, I was so disappointed, especially in one person who I followed since 2019. They all act like people over 25 are immature for liking certain things or preferring ships over others. Meanwhile, they are the immature ones. And to announce you have chats where you make fun of others isn't grown up either. If you don't like others, just block them, don't make posts for others to join in. I thought tumblr was more chill. Apparently, I lived under a rock. This entire situation is disappointing, and tbh it makes me also feel unsafe. I usually keep to myself anyway because I already have trouble finding my place (a me problem) but now even if I were to post something I feel like people would take it to make fun of me behind my back. Honestly, when I found this out yesterday, something in me shattered, it's like high school over again.

I'm just blown away by everything I managed to dig up yesterday (when I see drama I always check to make sure I'm not following anyone blatantly harassing others + block the person in question if I find them) and dear god everyone involved just seems messy in the worst way.

I'm so incredibly tired of the early 20s crowd acting like their life is over once they hit 25. As I mentioned in a previous post, that mindset is what had me spiraling when I was close to turning 24. I had a breakdown yesterday because I turn 26 in a month and I feel like I don't have my shit together. I'm still trying to work through detangling the toxic mindset of thinking there's an imaginary expiration date on enjoying things. That's not how it works!

And the one argument I keep seeing repeated is "why are you sexualizing these teenage characters??? why are you imagining smut scenarios of them in high school???" Well maybe because most people are well-adjusted enough to separate fiction from reality when the high schooler in question is being played by a nearly 30 year old man. If someone wants to write their exhibitionist fantasy about being fucked in a locker room or bathroom at a party while other people are around, who cares? It's not hurting anyone!

I won't speak much on having private chats to talk about people you don't like, because I've done that in previous fandoms, with the difference being I wasn't openly harassing the people in question, and my friends weren't also friends with whoever we were talking about. It's fine to not get along with certain people. What isn't okay is pretending to be friends with someone that you regularly talk shit about in private.

I've watched a situation exactly like this go down before, and you want to know how it ended? The person at the center of things finally got caught when people started realizing that she was talking shit about them to others. She was talking shit about everyone to everyone else, and it all came out in one massive shit storm that ended with her abandoning her blog and never coming back because she burned all of her bridges and no one was going to tolerate that kind of behavior anymore.

This situation is disappointing. I don't blame you at all for feeling that way. I also don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable in the fandom. It's incredibly draining to be worried about your "friends" talking badly about you to each other. Usually those worries are just a product of anxiety and hold no weight, but after yesterday I don't think I'd trust anyone in the ST fandom to not talk shit about me. And, as you mentioned, this isn't high school anymore. I'm not going to put up with that kind of behavior.

Anon, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me in whatever way you feel comfortable.

[lifeofkaze]

Lmao, you’re even worse, you gush over Orion when you’re apparently almost 30 and he’s at most 18 in the game. Absolute creep behavior.

Okay let’s do this. I’ve been waiting for you 😎

First of all, coward. I can’t and won’t respect anyone spreading hate behind an anon mask.

Secondly, I’ll let you in on a little secret.

I wasn’t born 30 😂

I’ve been 15, 16, 17, 18, I’ve been all of these ages and everything beyond up to 29, which I am now, and I’ve made my experiences and had lived my life. You ever think back on the past and remember it fondly? No? Aw, I’m sorry for you, that’s really sad.

I said it on the reblog that sent you here - you don't have to stop liking a character’s design or concept because you hit a certain age point. Fictional characters don’t age unless we or other creators make them.

So you liked Harry Potter and wrote and created for the characters? It's your 18th birthday today? Sweet, happy birthday, now get out of the fandom you've loved for years.

Have I liked the mysterious, thoughtful characters (with great hair) ever since I entered my first fandom when I was a literal child?

Yes.

Have I liked them in the animes I watched when I was a teenager, and in the books I read back then?

Also yes.

Do I still get intrigued by this character trope in the thrillers, crimes, fantasy books I read, games I play, films I watch?

Hell yes.

Will I stop letting them inspire me because some random anon coward thinks they need to go on a crusade and white-knight a fandom which is - guessed from the people I've talked to, which are a lot - at least 80 % over 18?

Hahahahahaha, good one.

I will continue to love the characters I love, I will continue to write form them what I write, and I will continue to rave about them however much the fuck I like.

Had you even read any of the things I've written, which you clearly haven't, you'd even seen that as long as a character isn't of consenting age, there's literally nothing the greater parts of teens isn't doing at an even younger age than my OCs and the characters I borrow. Everything beyond, they're adult, and it's clearly stated so with proper warnings and disclaimers.

And I'm not hiding that either.

That being said, come off anon, have an adult discussion with me or stop trying to tell an adult about the rules of being an adult.

Otherwise, gtfo off my blog, unfollow and block me if you like and leave my friends alone.

Look, I even brought you something to help you find your way:

[dark-muse-iris]

You're back for good??? I can't believe what I am seeing. So so glad to see you back, I remember checking to see if you're back here multiple times, as your replies or the things you say crack me up. And because I missed you 🥺 your blog was a part of my sad days and gave me something to think about other then what was going in. It helped me a lot.

Read the summary and wanted to say wow you're so strong and that America is so fucked up. I don't know why it is seen as this heaven on earth in my country.

Anyway so glad to see you here. Missed you a lot 💖💖 You already made my day 5 times better 😊😊🥺🥺

Good morning! I'm hesitant to say I'm back "for good" because I haven't really figured out what to do here yet. It looks like many accounts left and the ones who are still around who I knew from years being here aren't interacting beyond talking about their fic updates. That's pretty much what I expected, but it puts me in a pickle because I don't have a fic to give right now.

I'm writing for NaNo, but only on a couple fics I've promised to close friends because I'm weighing my options about where and how to participate now. At present, I'm considering writing for non-k-pop fandoms or focusing my efforts on original works I can share at any time, even in my 30s, 40s, or 50s. I'll put out a few updates here for k-pop stuff in the next few months, but how often I'm online here depends on interactions from you guys.

Placing a cut for the rest as I vent about the U.S. and what it's like living here:

I don't know which country you're from, but the United States is a complicated and expensive place to live. Your experience, safety, and support is almost exclusively determined by which region you're in, how much wealth you have, and whether your neighbors accept you as a person well enough to help you if you're in trouble. I've always supported immigration and still do, but I don't recommend immigrating here unless you already have a network of friends and family to back you up financially and protect you *or* you have a stellar job offer with high enough pay to secure yourself and your home. Without that, you'll suffer for many years trying to buy food and basic needs.

Places with lower cost of living are high-risk on the safety front especially if you're not white, not Christian, and not heterosexual. I've lived in those types of places for nearly my whole life and it's more extreme now in multiple states. Civil rights continue to be on the chopping block under the guise of "protecting kids" which is infuriating to me, someone who is not even allowed to adopt an LGBTQ+ kid and give them a home because I'm LGBTQ+. I still see multiple attempts to make sweeping changes to voting laws to "protect our way of life and our values" which often means keeping the institutions very white and very Christian. As a historian who studied extremism and centuries of "Christian" institutions in Europe for many years, the alarm bells are absolutely going off for me and I've spent years now trying to warn people to take this shit seriously, only for them to strip the social studies curriculum in schools.

[eversoslinky]

Boobs... my love/ hate relationship with my body.

Here's an image of a beautiful Brunette, DD breasts bursting out her bra, teeny, tiny waist. She's every straight man's (and gay woman's) fantasy. She's flawlessly perfect and natural looking at the same time. This woman and many others like her the reason I struggle with my body everyday and why I hate my breasts.

Here's an image of a flat chested girl. (I had ALOT of trouble finding this image on the internet!... I typed in double A and triple A breasts and still got some gorgeous photos of glamour models... not quite what I'm looking for, I guess the word "breasts" goes hand in hand with "huge" on the search engine) Grown women can be small busted too and I'm never going to feed into the fantasies of disgusting perverts by posting images of pre teen girls in bikinis. At 30 I was just beginning to except who I am, I'm on antidepressants and have been for the past three years... as a result, my weight has fluctuated I've gained weight on my thighs, hips and midsection... my chest, however, that's stayed the same. I excepted it and in a weird way learnt to love my body... until I met someone who messed up my head and made me hate my figure.

I "used to" have a female friend with triple D boobs (a size I didn't know existed until I met her) She was very proud of her naturally big chest and rightly so but the problem with people who are blessed with what mother nature has given them is they seem to think they can shame people who have cosmetic surgery to enhance their looks. And that's not cool. Not cool at all. It's the same with men who gush over their favourite female celebrities and their "perfect" bodies. I've got something to tell you here that might upset you a little bit... those bodies are probably surgically enhanced! So don't you dare make a woman feel bad for wanting a boob job! It's frustrating and so god damn awful when your boyfriend or partner tells you he doesn't like big boobs and prefers your natural double A chest but then is watching videos of women with DDs. What you really mean to say is you like natural big boobs? Oh and a girl with a perfectly toned figure who never goes to the gym... I hate to break it to you but those "perfect" girls you love looking at.... their surgically enhanced and they probably work really hard at the gym and watch what their eating to stay looking that way... so sorry to burst your bubble right there...

Being a small busted girl has its plus points though, a few things I'll miss but hopefully they wont be an issue for me when I have my own (ten years in the making breast implant surgery in the new year) The biggest plus is probably that I really enjoy exercise and in particular getting on that bike in spin class and cycling my little heart out. I can lean forward to do push ups on the bike without any "pop outs" accuring (!) The thing I will probably miss most of all is the fact my boobs are my "ugly card." everyone has something which is deemed as "not very attractive" but is in reverse the greatest blessing to them cause it gets rid of shallow fuckers. I get alot of unwanted attention from men, I say this because I look alot younger than what I am and I'm slim, big blue eyes, full lips and high cheekbones. With makeup on I can look quite attractive but this often means that I can attract idiots, fuck boys, creeps and men who haven't read a book since high school and can't have a conversation with me. An guy on a dating site once said to me "I want a girl with blonde hair who wants children." I was moved to finally have met someone who wants a family like I do. I love kids so much. He ruined this by saying "she's got to have really big boobs too!" He kept going on about how I was his ideal woman and I shut him down by telling him I'm flat chested but I wish him all the very best looking for his "perfect" girl. Instead of the correct answer which would be "the size of your boobs doesn't matter to me, you're a nice person and I want to get to know you better." He responded with "A boob job will sort that out... then I'll marry you." Disgusting vile human being. I'll bet you any money, after I blocked him he was probably scratching his head as to why he offended me so much.

When I do get my implants done I'm getting them done for ME. NOT A MAN. ME. Without sounding big headed here: I've not had any trouble attracting a man. No one has ever been put off by my small chest. The type of man I want to attract won't care about the fact I'm tiny on top and got a big curvy backside to rival that of Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce. He'll love it. As for the girl who used to be my friend I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, the one with perfect natural triple D breasts who shames women for wanting to enhance their bodies. She's single, she acts clingy and needy with men and "needs ALOT of attention" I'm so sorry but no matter how hot your body is but no man will put up with that. I think like a guy and I know I'd rather have someone who was independent, ambitious and had their own life going on. Someone who is funny, quick witted and might not return my calls cause their busy doing something fun that doesn't involve me. That's ok.

Last but certainly not least is the fact that people have told me throughout my life that in order to get bigger breasts I must "eat more calories" DO NOT listen to anyone who tells you this shit! It's irresponsible. Firstly not every woman is built the same, weight goes on different places on different bodies. I tried last year eating ice buns from a local bakery, pancakes coated in maple syrup and tea cakes... this was just my breakfast! Every meal had a pudding and everything was covered in salt, sugar and sweeteners. I did this for three months last summer until I realised I had no energy, my depression got a thousand times worse and I gained inches in all the places I didn't want them to go. The people who told me over the years to "put on weight" where nothing but jealous women who didn't like the fact I was trying to improve myself. If you are wanting to gain weight please see your doctor, nutritionist or personal trainer. They will advise you on a sensible safe approach to your healthy weight gain. DON'T eat ice buns for breakfast (like I did!) It won't make your breasts bigger, it will only make you gain weight round the middle.

[alannahaisling]

The day I slipped into a Panic and anxiety attack.

This, this is going to be long winded.

I'm just going to come out and say it. No, I don't want sympathy. This is just me using this particular blog for what it was meant for. A space for me to vent, to be my authentic self. To reflect, to just let things spill out from my mind through my fingers and onto the screen on which you may be reading this.

First things first. The Icons I'll be using here are not rp muns, they are simply my emotions on display. My IRL self as displayed by characters I adore from the Teen Titans fandom.

Ooookay lets get down it.

I help moderate a stream, have been doing it for a while. I became fast friends with the streamer and pull long hours. Roughly 4-5 hours per stream, unless I have class the next day.

To my knowledge, nobody ever had an issue with me. Save the odd person here or there, that may have disagreed with me, but at least they would tell me to my face, and I would shrug it off and move on. It was as simple as that.

My friend, who I love to death, has on more than one occasion had to reassure me that I was actually doing a good job. I lost count how many times I asked if I needed to improve, or if there were any rough areas that may need to change.

A good chunk of the time, they would just kinda raise their voice, and be like. "Damnit, you're good. You're fine." and then try to cheer me up with silly cat pictures. My ultimate kryptonite.

This friend of mine has worked with me for a few years now, talking about deep heavy personal stuff. They know I am medically diagnosed with ptsd, social anxiety, and have been dealing with depression for years. So they're not a stranger to my triggers and I love them for respecting when I need to just be alone, or only want some quality time one on one for a few hours. You hear that you knucklehead? Yeah you, I know you at least read this shit.

Moving on.

On friday, we had a.. bad night of it. Not even an hour in, after happily gathering folks who wanted to play the chosen game with us that night, someone. Who I will call 2P, dumped a huge paragraph, attacking my character and personality as a mod, in my friends private discord DMS.

2P for months, had been telling me to my face, that they saw me as a best friend, that anything I ever said and or did would be safe to do. You know the whole, you can trust me bit. I blindly trusted, and hind sight maybe I shouldn't have.

Meanwhile the entire time, I apparently had been talked about behind my back, negatively for a while? I don't know.

So we paused the stream, and go into another server that's locked down to a limited set of people and discuss it. Friend is, PISSED, but is trying to not yell, and asks me what we should do about it.

In my head I'm just reeling. I'm asking my friend, if I'm a bad mod, if I've fucked up somewhere, I'm totally confused. I can't concentrate, and there's this choking hurt in my chest. One I know all too well.

The feeling of dread. The feeling that I messed up, that I'm useless, and a fraud.

My friend is trying hard to make sure I'm okay, by this point they know, this has fucked with my head. In a huge way. 17- going on 18 years of therapy suddenly going down the drain, spiralling out of control.

They Cut the stream short.

I'm exhausted, tired, feeling beaten. I just say a few things to 2P and leave their discord server, kick them from my private one, and from the one I made for my streamer friend for the game we play with other people. In addition, also a possible person who may cause me issues, because 2P's probably been shit talking me for a few months now.

Friend is arguing on my behalf, another mutual and their friend, instantly demands to get in call. We'll call them... Uh.. Fuck, Tataru , and Estinien for sake of ease. Tataru is having none of it, they are witnessing my typed anxieties. They are hearing our mutual friend, trying very hard to not just *yell*.

2P is dropping the nasty paragraph in other dms now, belonging to other regulars. It's escalating pretty fast. I am now a villain, and a victim in one role, and 2P is also playing the role of victim because my dearest friend just told 2P Off.

"2P, isn't getting it!" My friend is saying with a calm anger. "2P is just constantly going on and on about how (my name) is bad for the stream." Or something to that effect. "They don't even fucking realize how fucking hurtful they are being."

"You need to stop responding." Tataru is saying. "Just, tell the mother fucker, NO and block 2P on everything."

I guess 2P is quickly realizing that they are losing the fight, so they come into my dms. Shit forgot to block them there. I think in my head, and I see them trying to bring the argument to me. They tell me, that I'm handling the situation all wrong.

I don't even respond. I'm tired. I'm just done. I'm mentally slipping back to the days I was mentally and emotionally abused, and gaslit.

GASLIT.

GASLIT!

I block 2P. For my mental health.

Estinien with their calming voice, is outlining streamer etiquette rules. 2P is definitely out of line, as a viewer. If we want, Estinien can pretty much hit up a wider streamer network, and have the name of 2P blacklisted from other communities.

By this point, another regular is talking to my friend asking what is going on. Then another. Slowly, I read through logs my friend has dumped into the 4 person private call.

Then I see it.

"I'll just lie through my teeth to her about why I'm leaving or something. Just don't tell (My name) I said any of this. " In regards to the in game guild My friend and I Co Run.

Silently mutter to myself. Not that the others can hear me, my headsets broken. "Ah, the other shoe has dropped. 2P's been lying to me the whole time. I've been gaslit all over again. No wonder I feel like I do."

Estinien and Tataru get sleepy and go to bed. My friend stays up as long as they can as I sort my head out, trying to timeline events. I'm given logs, screen shots. 2P's been blocked. I lock down my twitter for a day. I lose 20 hours sleep.

I spent those 20 hours of no sleep, asking and apologizing to regulars if 2P has ever talked to them about me. Most of them say NO, and reassure me I'm a good mod, that I make the stream warm, fun, welcoming and comfortable for all kinds of people.

A good friend of mine, who I will ironically call Angellica, because we call each other sis, and I view myself as Eliza from Hamilton. Once had told me to be careful with 2P from the start, because they had a bad vibe about them, is PISSED off, and yeets them out of an in game group chat. "Fuck em, 2P's a troll."

I realize, that Angellica literally stood by and chose my happiness. Cause yeah, I thought 2P was someone I could trust. After what happened though, I realized that I had been mistaken and apologized, To Angellica.

Now 2P is going around seeing who still will consider them friends, or are neutral parties. I was made aware of this because one of them, a mature friend actually asked me what 2P was going on about. So I gave them the run down. They were disgusted with 2P's behavior.

Now a days, 2P takes screen shots of anybody on twitter, that has blocked them and smears their names.

2P still doesn't get it.

But I'm moving on from it.

I have screenshots and logs. But I don't ever plan on releasing them publicly.

So yeah, 2P if you ever come across this, and figure out I'm talking about you, I severed ties with you, because friends don't lie to each other, Friends don't talk behind each others backs, they don't force other good close friends to sit on the *truth* of how you feel. Friends can disagree, and can have different opinions.

But You burned your bridges yourself.

I've always had a three strike ruleset.

One: You lied to my face multiple times.

Two: You pretended to be my friend.

Three: You actively gaslit me, and my friend.

Sooo THAT'S why I cut ties with you. Your behavior after that was just you playing the victim, and none of us 30 plus year olds were just going to sit by and let you have your 20 something year old tantrum.

I bare you no ill will, and I doubt any of us are going to even blast you in an open space like twitter releasing the logs or screen shots. I'm just noping out of this parasocial relationship because that's all it was. I refuse to be used, as a way for people to get close to and use my friend as they work on their passions and goals.

Adieu 2P , nothing was lost the day I walked away, except all the work my friend did to get me out of my isolated shell. But you know what? They'll just pull me back out, and support me 100% You'll never break us up.