#i swear there's more in the next chapter this ones a lot of worldbuilding

[xanadaus]

spsps you wanna read about gay cowgirls

[seventhcallisto]

Chapter 1 — "why didn't you answer my call?"

—Deep Down.

Toc/cw; read prologue or you'll be v confused!! Touching. Nothing much except world building. Language. Heats are the omega equivalent for periods(without the bl00d). I said what I said. Heat suppressants work, they just sedate the need for a knot(#worldbuilding). Angst at the end, lots of it throughout(it gets better I swear.)

It's not a surprise when the majority of unanswered texts come from mingi. You left without warning, and to think; he thinks he was the one who sent you to the hospital. All because he simply bumped into you. You feel bad. You feel terrible. Yet you're so scared you're gonna say something and reveal what really is going on.

Your hip, ankle, shoulder, and elbow ache. Your hips for two reasons. You scratch at the bandage on your elbow.

"You want me to lie?" You mumbled into the speaker. On the other side is your manager, no, not jongsik, but the overly obsessive and pushy manager that takes care of most of the groups publicity and what can and will be said. "I don't want to lie to them, they'll figure it out" you continue, growing more upset.

"Just until your next uhm. Cycle. Then the company can break the news publicly and personally to them." Song Pilyoung. Mr. Pil. Answers, as if expecting you to say that.

It hasn't even been a day since your last heat. You're supposed to keep up with your lies and completely change demeanor and body back to your old self for a month? When you know your obvious behavior will be to coddle and preen at any affections from the alphas you so desperately missed during your heat.

Seonghwa, who knows when the slightest thing is off with you. Who can tell when you're sick based on how you act and watches you so intensely under his pretty keen eyes, even when he bites you, ever so gently, you think, compared to the aggressive chomps he does to the rest of the guys.

Yeosang, who genuinely likes to be near anything that smells like you or makes him think of you, which he shyly admitted, who ever so gently leans his head on your shoulder when he has a stressful day. Yeosang who you constantly are seen next to, brushing arms gently with.

Mingi who continously hugs and drags his long limbs across you, because you're the only member who won't complain and will put up with him, who shares his food with you, but only you because he likes the way you follow him without questioning what it is you're being fed. but it's indulgent. You like how he casts himself on you and the way he grabs your chin when he wants you to try a piece of food.

Yunho who can't help but hold your hand whenever he's next to you, because an alpha and beta can have that public privacy without being seen as dating, yet you hope he doesn't feel the quickening pulse vibrating your fingers, yunho who defends your name and includes you in any type of conversation if you're nearby.

San who, for some reason, always flirts with you the hardest, only for you to plainly respond or brush him off because you're a beta, and you tell him so - not because you know he doesn't mean what he says, right?. San who sits side by side with you and makes sure the blanket covers you when you sit at award shows, even going as far as to take his own suit jacket off and maybe cover you from prying eyes.

Wooyoung, who gatekeeps you too much when he gets the chance, who stands behind you to make sure you get up the stairs safely, and so no one peeks up at you. Who always tells you about the drama with other alphas cause he knows you don't gossip, wooyoung whos smile makes you smile, whos lips make yours want to gravitate towards them.

Jongho, who you baby yourself - but always steps up to take anything on your shoulders that seems too heavy. Even during any type of game, he'll give you the answer and never regret it. He who will share his jacket and shuffle closer when he sees you shivering. When his eyes meet yours across the room just because you assumed he was searching for something, he holds the contact until you pull away. he warms you more than the jacket he lends you whenever it seems the slightest bit cold.

Hongjoong, who lets you sleep in his bed when you have a nightmare, who people say favorites you the most. how his calming scent always drags you under and sparks fireworks within you, how you never indulged yourself to scoot closer and be wrapped up in his arms anywhere at any time whenever he looks at you. He who leaves his clothing in your room, who silents everyone immediately when he knows you have something to say.

When did you realize you felt like this? For a while, actually, you would never say that, though. Feelings are feelings, yet you'll be with these guys the rest of your life, and you don't want to ruin anything. Plus, you're just another pack member. You're genuinely sure all of those moments can be because they're protective. You highly doubt they feel the same.

"I can't promise anything" you sigh as you tell Mr. Pil. "Great, I've got a driver on his way to you already, he's picked up everything you'll need for the month."

Perfect.

You see yourself out of the idle apartment. "Bye, gorgeous!" Yuqi and shuhua wave down the hallway. Miyeon is the one to walk you down, making sure you make it out safely.

You've washed yourself of their scent as much as you can. A bag of fresh, unworn and recently bought clothes are given to you provided by miyeon after your shower. You've got to undo ever being there, so you scrub yourself free of every scent of them. A new bottle of shampoo, conditioner, body soap, and perfume is given to you. Each of the members have an assortment of things they don't use or didn't want anymore. Which is very convenient for you.

From the pile, they each pick out things beta-you would have liked. Current omega-you doesn't have the same nose beta-you had. So you have to rely on your best friends' scents and recollection to give you things you would have liked. Which is how you smell as close to as you did before. You just tweaked a bit because you gotta like at least some of your smell. The girls give in. Your new permanent scent. A smell; omega-you indulges in which you didn't before. A lingering scent of sweets and tropicals you try not to get used to under the chaotic neutral tone your old scent gave off, a love-hate feeling.

You pull the hoodie snug. Miyeons pants are a bit tight, considering she doesn't work out as much as you do. A plain black and white track suit. "This is me," you sigh as the sleek black car pulls up. Miyeon is silent, yet you wait for her to speak anyway. "You're always welcomed here, you know that, right?" She nudges your shoulder with her hand.

"I know."

"And if you need anything. Anything. you call or text." She adds. "I know." "You know we love you, new sex and all" she smiles, you laugh. "That's very reassuring, thanks, love you too." You want to hug her, but you'll know it'll undo the scent process you just spent all morning working on.

"If anyone gives you problems, tell em idles' got your back." she grins, pressing a single digit finger to your forehead. "Bye cutie pie," she ushers you off the sidewalk and towards the car.

The ride back is full of anxiety. How are you supposed to explain the reason you haven't responded to the number of messages they left? Maybe cause you were actually too busy going through a terrible, disgusting, uncomfortable heat by yourself with no relief for days on end.

You can't say that though.

"Mr. Chen, are the guys at the apartment?" You speak to the driver. He's an older omega man, one you've come to know personally. The man in the passenger seat, an alpha, doesn't seem to care when you talk to him. "No miss, they're at the stadium filming." Chen glances at you through the rear-view mirror. "Filming?" You repeat. "Yes ma'am, filming for the music video starts today.."

Right. Of course. How could you forget? You've memorized everything down to the tiniest detail in the span of two weeks before your sudden omega sex came and distracted you. But you doubt you'll be picture perfect. At least in your own eyes.

The car passes the turn to your apartment. You can see the building in the distance. "Mr Chen, are we not going to the apartment?" The man in the passenger seat sits up and turns around to look at you. His eyes hold irritation. "Listen, beta, we're going to the filming site. Yeah? Got it? Be patient. Sit back."

If you were childish enough, you would have kicked his seat. You scoff. Falling back, letting the disrespect go. You gotta let it go. Don't fist fight a random alpha with a superiority complex.

Don't do it.

As soon as chen comes to a stop at the designated location, the alpha pops open his car door. You wait for him to get between your door and his. Boom. You slam your door open on his tush.

He pulls back, glancing between you and the door. There's a flare to his nostrils. One, you know only a pissed person would showcase. And god, is it satisfying to slam the door behind you and smile like the petty person you are.

"Woops," you simply say. His pissed face urks you to stand your ground. He doesn't hesitate to walk up to you, a crazed look in his eyes. "You-"

Your name is called in the distance, and you know exactly who's calling it. Your head whips, and your heart skips a beat. Running straight towards you are the guys, emerging straight from the field to your right. They look unreal, like they popped out of a commercial.

Mingi is the first to slam into you.

"Hey, ow!" You laugh, pulling him in tighter. The alpha, whose energy dissipates, turns away as if he wasn't about to go off on you.

Mingis arms are a welcoming feeling. He twirls you around, taking on your weight like it's his own. There's a certain desperation in his tight hold. You feed into it, pulling him just as tightly by the shoulders.

"Are you okay? Why didn't you answer my calls?" He pulls away only enough to scan your face. Maybe you really shouldn't, but mingis face is picture perfect. Whatever the makeup artists have done to make him look this good, it surely is based on hard work and years of perfection. Or maybe it's just mingi.

You stutter to answer, "I'm sorry, I wasn't.. really allowed to" it's half the truth. His hands fall to your hips, silent as he takes you in. "I'm sorry," he says, pulling his lip under his teeth. He genuinely looks sorry. Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "Mingi! No, I'm fine, completely." You pull his hands off you, missing the smell of sea salt and jasmine. You spin around. "Fine! See? Mingi.. i-"

Another pair of arms scoop you up. Silencing whatever you were saying, it's yunho this time, smiling ear to ear. And immediately after, waiting patiently next to mingi is San, his eyes flicker behind you, but as soon as you look his way, he catches your face. "Hey," he says so simply, with that sneaky grin he always has, yet you can tell he wants to say more.

"Hi," you say simply back, pulling both Yunho and San into a tighter hug. "How was it?" San asks, his voice is so sultry, something you missed, your mind goes haywire. "What?" Your face falls. "How was being away for so long? You missed us, right?" San laughs.

"Missed you? Never," you joke, pushing them both away when you catch Jongho and Yeosang jogging over. Jongho scoops you up next. His arms are tough, obviously, from working out so much lately. You take a well needed whiff of him. Fresh florals, mahogany, charred sandalwood, and laundry invade your nostrils. His head falls over yours, pulling back to let yeosang get a hug. Yeosangs arms are lean, but his hug is soft when he pulls you close, breathing you in.

Wooyoung and Seonghwa are last. Which you find surprising. Seonghwa, who usually pulls you into a half hug- full-on, brings you in. He smells like leather, dark coffee, and vanilla cream. There's so much more, but you're pulling away before you can smell him some more. Wooyoung locks you in, tilting you on your heels back and forth. He's the smiliest of the bunch. He sets his face on your shoulder, and his hands squeeze your sides comfortably. San scoots past the two of you, popping open the trunk.

The trunk, where your bag is. Full of assortments of scent blockers, heat suppressants, and the many smells the girls gave you so you can get by for the month smelling like your old self. Panic sets in, yet you try to seem as casual as you can when you twist in wooyoungs hands. "San, I got it!" You somewhat shout. San looks up, confused, pulling the shoulder strap over his shoulder. Wooyoung still has you in the tightest embrace around your waist.

"You really want to carry your own bags?" Yunho scoffs at the idea, mingi takes the other bag next to san. One you don't even remember throwing in. "I'm a big girl. I can take my own bags," you mumble. Wooyoung laughs from just over your shoulder. His lean body presses directly into your back. He's so very warm. You try not to think about it, opting to continue struggling.

"Woo, c'mon," you slump, you're not getting to that bag. It's no use, you're too exhausted to fight against him. He laughs. "It's just one bag beta, I'm sure your big girl attitude can be put aside for now," Woo loosens his hold around your waist, patting your hip with his large palm.

Seonghwa continues for him, a certain upset tone in his voice. "You just got out of the hospital. I don't know why you're here instead of resting at home."

You gulp when San slings the backpack around. "What did the hospital give you anyways?" He chuckles. You count heads, realizing hongjoong isn't here. "Where's -" the door behind you slams.

The alpha from before storms around the driver side. Everyone stops to stare. San shares a look with seonghwa. "What's his problem?" Wooyoung whispers to you, his breath fanning your ear. You scoff silently. "Egocentric alpha." You grumble.

"Got it," he laughs, he's missed you. Pulling you away. The guys all fall behind you two.

The cold of spring is fading away. It no longer nips at your nose. Soon, summer will roll around, and filming will get exhausting more than it already is. Your clothes whip around at the slight gusts of wind. Your makeup isn't caked on for once. Thankfully, you have a new makeup artist this time. Your scent still lingers. You'd have to reapply scent blockers soon. The bottle shifts between your fingertips, twisting and pulling at the lid. You subtly rub it around your scent glands. The chatter of the guys behind you cast in the background of your attention. Hongjoong is just a little bit away. You haven't seen him since you got there. Makeup and clothing took at least an hour or two.

Even though he's right there, you miss him. Hongjoong stands by the filming aquitment, speaking with the crew. You take your time walking up, having just now realized hongjoongs hair is back to the pretty brown you know suits him.

"Joong," you call, a blanket shrugged over your exposed shoulders. His shoulder straightened at your voice; his head whipped around. "Hey!" He calls, a genuine smile lighting up his features.

Hongjoongs figure is still so welcoming. The pack leader has always had that effect on you. It takes everything in you to pull away from the hug. "We missed you," he says earnestly, his hand resting on your neck where your scent gland is. "How are you feeling?"

You sigh, "I'm feeling good," it's somewhat true, although genuinely exhausted from the entire week of being poked and provoked by doctors and annoying alphas. what really got you was your first heat.

"You should be at home, not working." He huffs, reaching up to pull the blanket over you further. "I want to work," you nod, confirming it to yourself. He chuckles. "Yeah, right"

"Take it easy, kay?" You smile. "No promises"

It's the next day when the sun begins to set. You realize you're your biggest enemy. You will never be satisfied with how you contort your body to follow steps. 4,5,6. You repeat. 4,5,6. You stare as you watch yourself perform on the monitor.

There's a tension in the air, the staff can feel it, and the guys can feel it. Everyone moves around freely around you, the guys getting ready to perform the next sequence of steps. Yet you don't care if you're the one giving that tense energy off, your feet stand firm. "One more time, please," you ask the tech crew to repeat the video. A hand falls on your shoulder. Yunho calls your name softly. "Yeah?" You respond, not paying attention to what he says.

4. 5. 6. 4.5.6.

You watch as your lines loosen. This solo shot of you is cursed. Why can't you keep your movements sharp? "Beta," yunho calls firmly. You lift your head, catching his brown eyes with your own. "You're perfect." he guides your chin when you want to turn your attention back to the monitor. "No- look, my arms -" you go to point.

Yunho roughly turns you fully towards the monitor, and his hands fall by your waist. His chest presses against your back as he bends over you, and his head leans over your shoulder. "Look," he takes the word from your mouth. Pointing at your arms as you dance around on screen. "Your arms are fine." His silver hair brushes against your cheek. "There's nothing wrong with your shot. It's perfect."

And it's not because the alpha uses his firm voice to make you listen. It's the way yunho so passionately stares at you, like he believes what he says wholeheartedly. His eyes never slip from over your shoulder, even when yours keep falling back to the monitor.

"Okay," you listen. Yunhos hands fall off you, stepping away. You miss his warmth.

You're a week into the month when suspicion arises. Seonghwa is the one that finds your unopened bottle of scent blockers. "Hey," he says, twiddling the bottle in his nimble fingers. Your eyes shoot up from your phone, watching him stand in your doorway. "Are these yours? None of us had to get a refill." it's such a normal question because seonghwa doesn't think about it. All of the guys use scent blockers to perform for concerts or events.

But you're honestly choking. "I uh- I got a new bottle last week," you gulp. Quick, excuse. Excuse!. "Oh" His eyebrows furrowed. You haven't performed in about a month since the comeback is soon. "Yeah, i - that smell thing I had going on? That's what those are for." You loosely point.

"They're supposed to help," you gulp. Please take the hook. Seonghwas eyes scan you over once again, then back at the bottle. "Are they working?" He finally says. You blank.

"I don't know, can't really tell," you mumble. "Can you?" You sit up, scooting further down your bed. Seonghwa walks into your room. His scent mixes in with the smell you've had to endure all week. "Yeah, I suppose." You can see the gears behind his eyes moving.

"You suppose?" Your eyebrows furrowed. He bites on his lip, pulling at his earring. "Mm, you smell like you usually do.. but.." he thinks about it, scanning your room. His eyes finally fall on your face, urging him to continue. "Never mind."

Seonghwa exits your room without another word. You're in silence by yourself. The suspicion makes your anxiety skyrocket. He left his shirt behind on your bed.

You take it. Why not?

Hongjoong is late coming back again from the studio. He smells stressed beyond belief, even from where you sit across the apartment. He hangs his jacket up in the hallway. And you hear the slow pattern of his feet when he walks down the hallway. Your head falls on the arm of the couch, eyes focused on the TV. Hongjoong calls your name in a whisper. You look up at his tired eyes.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" He questions you. You have half the energy to laugh quietly. "Says the one in the studio at.." You check your phone. A picture of you and the girls on the lock screen. "4 am.. why aren't you?" You set your phone back down, pulling your feet up so he can take a seat on the couch without you hogging the whole thing.

He gladly takes it with a heavy sigh. His hand falls to your ankle poking out of the blanket, and you shiver slightly at the chill of his rings. "How are you feeling?" You scoot to sit up, leaning on your hand. "It always gets hectic before a comeback," he huffs a smile, turning towards you. "How are you?" His finger brushes up your calf. "I asked first," you glance back.

He smiles, a tired one, one he always has for you. "Why were you still up?" He changes the question. You take the hint. Laying back down on your pillow that's propped up against the couch. "I wanted to wait for you," you whisper.

The silence is comfortable. Hongjoongs fingers rubbing circles on your ankle. You reach down to grasp his hand, his tired eyes blink back at you. "Lay with me?" You ask, perhaps you shouldn't. But in your sleepy state, you're bold enough to ask, scooting over to make room for him. He doesn't answer but scoots up enough to take the spot next to you. Face to face. "Nightmare?" He asks, as if giving you an excuse, his eyes bore down on yours.

He's so pretty, you think. His eyes are so soft under the darkness. You question if he's one of the prettiest guys you've ever seen, an uncommon trait for alphas. You hum, taking the lie. "Yea"

Your eyelids slink as does his, the rhythmic breathing between you two casts over like a lullaby. Eventually, his arm falls over your hip. Alice In Wonderland playing in the distance, a sound you've gotten used to as you fall into the solitude of sleep.

The next morning, the comfort of the couch is something that you want to fall back into. You want your beauty rest, but the sun keeps beating on your eyelids. You turn in the grasp of the blanket, it has a tight hold, you wiggle to get comfortable.

The fan of someone's breath hits the shell of your ear. Your eye pops up, blinking at the sun coming down on you from the window. You turn to feel the body pressed against your back. Slowly turning so you don't wake them up.

Hongjoongs face is mere centimeters away. His hair falls over his face in waves. You want to reach out and push it away, kiss his eyelids, and touch his face ever so delicately. Your head lays on his arm. Hoongjoongs hoodie rid up his forearm, the scent gland on the bend of his elbow directly in front of you. Hongjoong smells.. like a ripe pear, tahitian vanilla, the heat from the sun, and sweet spices. You nuzzle deeper into his warmth, sighing gently into his chest.

Still foggy from sleep, every second that passes, you fall further into a dream state. Hongjoongs soft and quiet breathing echos in your mind.

Pictures pass in your vision, memories you haven't yet explore dance beyond the border of your sight. You dance silently, following where you lead yourself. Through doors that open without a sound and a floor that is void, your feet patter and swirl like raindrops on water. A distant noise echos. Hands reach out for yours, an assortment of them sticking out from the void and invisible walls that surround you. But you don't reach back. Your movements flow in a rhythm. When you stop to breathe, you sink into the floor. And fall continously. Echos of your struggles and inner thoughts consume you.

You wake up with a shudder, sitting up abruptly. You pat around you, you're in your bed. Hongjoong isn't here. You hope it's not because of what you said. You hope it's not because you made things awkward. You fall back into your comforters, sighing heavily. You stare at the crack in your bedroom door, watching figures pass and go. They block out the sun. The first to stop in the twenty minutes of you staring is Jongho. He pushes your door open softly. Two solid knocks hit your door.

"Want to get some breakfast?" He leans in, jongho is already dressed and ready. You hope he was waiting for you to wake up and ask you to tag along. You smile. "Yes"

The walk is brisk, just down the street to the coffee shop you visit most often in the morning. Jongho holds the door open for you, and you thank him. The smell of coffee hits you straight on. A pleasant surprise that makes your stomach grumble. Your mask stays put on your face, as does jonghos. Your arm wraps around his, a subconscious thing on your part. He doesn't pull away.

The line isn't long. A few stand around, picking and choosing their order. Many of the seats are taken. Chatter echoes in the large shop. "The usual?" Jongho nudges you, pulling your attention from the crowded strangers. He takes the lead compared to when you always do, you don't fight him about ordering like you usually would. "You know it," you smile, although you know the mask will block it. His eyes pull up, and you can tell he's smiling back.

You're compliant to the way he orders everyone's breakfast and drinks, something jongho finds strange for your behavior but boosts his ego a bit. You tell him the rest of the orders he forgets, leaning up to whisper it in his ear. He leans down and meets you halfway, so you aren't straining your still healing ankle. His hand falls to your mid back, steadying you.

"That's it, Thank you."

You lean up against the free space in the waiting area. Propping yourself up against the cold stone wall. This area is just as busy. You know the order will be a while. Jongho takes the spot next to you. Bumping shoulders. "How's your elbow?" He touches your arm gently.

You look down at it, a distant memory compared to the week you've had. "It's fine, it wasn't that bad." You shrug it off.

"If it wasn't, why were you in the hospital for a week?"

A lump forms in your throat. You advert your eyes to anything else. "I.. they wanted to run tests." That catches him off guard. "Tests? What for?" He leans on his shoulder to face you.

"Because i.." swallow the lump, don't word vomit. Please don't word vomit.

"Because I'm a -" ding! "order for Mr. Choi Jong!" Saved by the bell. God, it's so perfectly timed. Jongho stares at you for a second longer, his eyes scan you for answers. Like he's hoping you'll continue. Your mouth is glued. When he adverts his eyes, the emotion that crosses his features is like you did something terrible. He leaves to get the order when you don't look back up at him.

What are you doing? Are you crazy? Your hand falls to your forehead, rubbing the tension away. Jongho is silent the entire walk back. He takes the load of drinks and bags by himself, a few strides ahead. When you offer to help, he pulls away. "It's fine." he simply says. You flinch at his tone.

Just two more weeks.

The second week starts rocky. You haven't talked to yunho since the monitor incident. As well as jongho still being upset at you, hongjoong, avoiding you like the plague, and seonghwa not even giving you the time of day. You don't know what you did.

Your bed feels empty, as does your heart. You toss and turn all night long. Barely able to get any sleep for hours. A knock breaks you out of your tossing and turning habit. "Come in" you turn towards the door.

Mingi stands with his pillow tightly wrapped in his arms. Although childish, you find him cute. "Hey," you push yourself to sit up. He looks shy when he shifts on his feet, rolling his palm over your doorknob. "Can I sleep in here tonight?" He asks, it's mumbled, but you make out what he's asking.

Your lips poke up into a smile. You don't answer, just scooting over to the empty spot you were just upset about. You give him your warm spot instead. He giddily falls atop your spot, snuggly placing his pillow under his head.

"I sleep better in your room," he laughs, his eyes turn into cresents, and you stare at the way his face squishes into the pillow. You gently wiggle off the glasses from his nose, setting them aside on your side table. "It's because my room isn't messy," you snicker lightly.

Mingis whispering voice is just his normal voice, just less loud. You don't mind, though. You give him space. He hardly fits in your bed, yet he says he's the most comfortable in it. You can't tell if he's saying it to make you happy.

Mingi calls your name softly in the dark. "Yeah, mingi?" You whisper back, tucking your arm under your pillow. There's a few seconds of silence. It's uncommon when mingi is around. "I'm sorry again," he says so softly. You sigh. "it wasn't you mingi, you didn't do anything to hurt me that bad.." You close your eyes, excuse.

Excuse.

"...I had to get checked out because of my weird scent change thing going on." It's not true. You're feeling sick from lying so much. He hums. "So I didn't hurt you?" You laugh lightly. "No, min, you didn't hurt me." Your eyelids close. "I would never hurt you on purpose," he slurs in tired words. Your eyebrows furrow.

"I know.." You hear him shuffle closer. He reaches to grab your hand from under the pillow. His grip is soft. Your eyes stay closed.

Is this real?

"I'm here if you ever need anything." his thumb catches yours, intertwining your fingers. You sigh softly.

The amount of lying all week weighs heavy on your shoulders, mingi, who genuinely says what he means, twists your heart between his words. You try to breathe through the sudden sting of tears welling up in your eyes.

"I know." You answer with a shaky breath. You slip your hand out of his, and your world feels as if it's crumbling. Turning on your side away from him.

Just half a week. Half.

It's getting repetitive. Filming for another episode of a variety show you don't care for currently. You just miss your bed. You miss your boys. You miss being normal. You miss not having to hide. You miss being a beta.

"Your turn!" A finger points in your direction. You blink for a few seconds, gathering your wit. "i.. what am I supposed to do?" You laugh to cover the fact you weren't paying attention. The camera shines just out of view.

To keep up with performances, the majority of the boys all yell out the instructions. You get it, just a bit. San and Yeosang are at the top of the tower, having climbed all the way up with their gear.

You have to climb the tower. "Do I have to?" You bounce on your feet anxiously, looking towards the camera. Staff buckle you into your gear, the chatter getting lost whilst you get stuck in your head. You're not a big fan of heights.

You're really not a big fan of heights. You start noticing that when you shuffle across the platform to collect a red scarf. The premise of the game is to collect your color accessories, whilst also not allowed to go back if you miss any. Whatever team gets the most accessories wins. You're on Yeosang and Sans team. Paired in three.

Your rope is tied to san, whose rope is tied to yeosang. You don't think you got the strength in your arms to keep going. You power on anyway. Slipping your hand between spray painted fake rocks and clawing your way up.

Your helmet keeps slipping down your face. Surely, it's unfair that you got a helmet that doesn't even fit you. And dangerous. But mostly unfair.

"You got this!" Sans yell encourages you. You're in a particularly tough spot. You have to reach sideways to grab a pair of red sunglasses. It's the last thing you have to grab to win.

To your left, the blue team, which consists of wooyoung, yunho, and hongjoong, yells to each other. You try to drown it out and focus on your own team.

You just gotta reach over. You wedge yourself as close as you can.

Just reach. You can hear the game hosts encouraging you on, shouts of surprise.

Your fingertips just barely scrape it, almost knocking it off the ledge it's on. You shuffle, your single hand holding onto a rock is getting sweaty. You breath cautiously, reaching out again.

It's so close.

And then you grab it.

Shouts from San and yeosang make you smile. You're proud of yourself. You go to turn back, slipping from your left foot. Oh no. You're slipping, trying to get a solid hold on the rock. You slip the sunglasses on your head, hoping to be able to get your right hand free to grab the ledge.

San and yeosang are only a few feet up, not close enough for you to reach for. You've got to maneuver yourself out of the spot you're in. You don't know if you can. You wiggle and twist your waist, stretching your right arm above you.

Your fingers wiggle to get a good grip on the jagged red rock you grabbed. You're not as muscular as you thought as you try to use your right arm to pull your full body weight further up.

You strain it so, to the point where when you finally get yourself up. You have to shake off the hurt. Just two more rocks. Two more big reaches.

Two seems to appear a lot lately.

Distant shouting of all the teams catch your attention. Wooyoung is gaining speed. He's on his last accessory, a few feet behind you. When he sees you staring, he smirks like a predator, gaining speed.

Your movements are calculated but rushed. You keep pushing the helmet back on your head. The sunglasses slip down over your eyes, somewhat blocking your view. You're sweating bullets at this point.

Yeosangs hand is a saving grace. He pulls you up by your right wrist whilst san pulls your left arm. As soon as you get up, you book it to the table you have to put the accessories on.

Your team wins. Confetti cascades around you. You cheer happily, jumping around and laughing out of breath.

How it feels to be victorious.

You look to yeosang and San. They stare, shocked.

You wipe the sweat off your brow. The sweet scent hitting your nostrils.

Oh no.

You swipe the sweat away as quickly as you can, pulling the roll on bottle out of your pocket. Hurry. You try to twist the top off. Rolling the scent onto your scent glands and over your forehead as much as you can.

It's no doubt in your mind. They smelt your real scent. They know. You don't turn to look. You don't even want to know what they're thinking. Your breathing turns shallow.

Fuck.

Your world is crashing.

This time for real.

You take the emergency stairs. Ignoring the calls of yeosang and san. Stripping the gear off of you as you go. You don't care if you're ruining the victory shot. You just gotta get out of here.

You're wondering the hallways when wooyoung finds you. Hot tears stream down your face. Why are you even crying? You don't know. Maybe you're scared this will change everything. Maybe you're scared you messed up again and ruined it.

Wooyoungs hand is a soft pull to your wrist. You yank yourself out of his grip. Pain flashes his features. He says your name gently. You continue to sob. "What? What now" you huff. Wiping your tears harshly.

"Tell me what's wrong -" "Nothing!" You painfully shout, stepping away from his distressed smell. "Nothing is wrong. Nothing is ever wrong." You laugh at your situation. Wooyoungs hand clenches in the air. His hair falls over his eyes messily. He's still in the outfit he was wearing for the game, minus the gear. It's as if he came looking straight for you.

Just for you.

Wooyoungs mouth falls open and close. You dont think about whether or not he has something to say. You don't want to even look. "Just go away, please"

Wooyoung face is painted in pain. You know he doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know how to react. "Omega, please." he whispers.

Your sobs stop. Your tear stained face whips around, and your shocked face is evidence you weren't expecting that.

His tongue pokes the inside of his cheek. "We need to talk," he sighs, allowing him to walk up. He takes your wrists in his hands gently. His thumb rubs soothing circles on your wrists.

Silently, tears stream. You don't have the energy to pull away.

You ruined everything. They know.

A/n; cliff hanger bc my phone is glitching out BAD. IM SORRY! hopefully, the two chapts will make up for it. Thanks for all the support ♡.

Taglist: @lelaleleb @bratty-tingz @0325tiny @smilefordongil @atinytinaa @unripeapple7 @ja3hwa @stopeatread (thanks for your support ♡)

[stillness-in-green]

Counting Cliffhangers: The Heroes Are Not the Underdogs in BNHA's War Arcs

(Being a project to tally up which side, if either, of Team Hero or Team Villain is "on top" at the end of each chapter in the war arcs, in consideration of the impact of the overall totals. This is one of those mega-long list posts; do not click the Expand/Read More unless you're prepared for a lot of reading and/or scrolling.)

One of the things that bothered me throughout both of the war arcs was the persistent sense that, for all that the manga was trying very hard to convince me that the Heroes were up against the wall and really having to give it everything they had, I never really felt that level of danger.  Of course, one always expects a degree of that—it’s not as though any sensible reader would really think this manga could end with the Villains winning!—but the problem went beyond that.  Expecting that the protagonist will win out in the end is the standard, after all, but good stories still find ways to keep readers engaged and believing in the stakes.

So why didn’t I?  I certainly believed in the stakes for the Villains—Twice’s death happens very early in the first war, and it sets the stakes quite clearly!  Was it just the difference between my own engagement with the Villains compared to the Heroes?  That didn’t seem quite right—even if I cared about one side for more than the other, it shouldn’t have been the case that that affection alone was skewing my suspension of disbelief about the dangers faced by the Heroes.  The threat posed to Midnight certainly seemed real enough, as was also the case for the Heroes left trampled in Gigantomachia’s wake, like Gang Orca and Fatgum.  As I’ve had to tell the occasional asker here before, just because I don’t particularly care about a character doesn’t mean I become incapable of evaluating their story beats!

What was the problem, then?  Why did the dangers to the Villains seem so desperately real, while the dangers to the Heroes, for the most part, just had me rolling my eyes and waiting for the next asspull that would save them?

I think there are two primary factors.  The first and biggest factor is simply baked into the worldbuilding and the decisions made in the writing: the sides are poorly matched.  I’m not going to go into all of that here, but as a thought exercise, go through the arcs of the story that contain active conflict and consider which side has the advantage in each of the following categories: individual combatant quality (stuff like raw power, endurance, and training/experience to improve upon their inherent capabilities), equipment quality, information about the opponent, ability to set the terms of engagement, and raw numbers of warm bodies to throw at a fight. 

By my measure, much of the early confrontations in BNHA work because these advantages are divided evenly between the Heroes and Villains.  Likewise, My Villain Academia is so gripping because the Meta Liberation Army has virtually every advantage over the League, making the League really and truly feel like the underdogs in the fight.  Conversely, the Heroes are the ones with virtually every advantage in the war arcs,[1] meaning they cannot convincingly be the underdogs the story so desperately wants us to believe they are.

1:  I swear I’m not going to go into all of it, at least not in this post, but to be very brief, I think the only advantages the Villains could even kind of claim during the war arcs are numbers and combatant quality.  The numbers advantage is mostly illusory; the PLF are leveled in the cursory mass arrest of the first war and, despite repeated insistence otherwise, the only place where the Villains’ numbers are a true threat in the second war is at the hospital attack, where said numbers consist chiefly of untrained and easily swayed civilians in a battle it’s desperately unclear why the Heroes allowed to take place at all.  The quality advantage, meanwhile, is heavily concentrated in only a handful of hard-hitting, A-to-S-rank threats on the Villains’ side, while the Heroes maintain clear quality supremacy in rank-and-file or side character battles.

The other factor, and the one this post concerns, is the structure of the chapters themselves, to wit, the way that they end.  In a serialized story being published and read week to week, each installment’s ending is a crucial factor in the story’s overall tone.  What happens on the last page is a major factor in the impact each chapter makes, the feeling the reader is left with while they wait for the next part.  If the intent, therefore, is for the Heroes to feel threatened, pushed to the very edge of their endurance, then a very basic thing needs to be observed: don’t end every fucking chapter with the Heroes having the fucking advantage.

I’m so serious here, guys.  It’s not that the Villains never have the advantage, never get twists or reveals or reinforcements that turn the tide of the battle in their favor.  It’s that, by and large, those advantages come in the middle of chapters, while the Heroes’ twists and reveals and reinforcements get the benefit of being at the end of chapters, so the dominant feeling—the side that’s left wildly cheering for their “team” at the end of the week—is usually the Heroes.  While it’s possible that the impression left is different when reading the story in volume form,[2] when reading week to week, that imbalance critically damages the story’s ability to portray the desperation and strain of the Heroes’ struggle.

2: Having not read the arcs in this fashion, I couldn't say. Obviously I don't know how a volume-only reader would experience this aspect of the story, but even reading (or rereading) a bunch of chapters all in one go online suffers from some impaired momentum between chapters by having to specifically navigate to the next chapter webpage and wait for it to load rather than just being able to turn pages freely.

That, in any case, was my thesis when I first started this count, listing which side has the upper hand at the end of each chapter of the two war arcs, as well as the total overall.  With the second war arc finally having ended, I figured I’d go ahead and post my results. 

Hit the jump!

For each arc, I started counting at the chapter where active conflict breaks out, including as a dramatic end cliffhanger.  Thus, for the first war, I didn’t start in Chapter 258, where the groups are still gathering, but rather in Chapter 259, when the forward momentum begins and the first Villain (Ujiko) is confronted.  Likewise, the second war count begins with Chapter 343, when the armies confront each other.  The counts end with the last chapter containing active Hero/Villain conflict rather than narrated montage.  Thus, the first war ends in 295, when AFO and the League flee the field, not in 296 with the looming threat of the long-awaited jailbreak.  The second war ends with Deku’s weather-clearing fist in 423.

My basic categories are Hero Advantage, Villain Advantage, and Neither.  Fake-outs are categorized as they are perceived in the moment of reading them, not as they read in retrospect.  Further, I do not categorize based on the overall tenor of the chapter, but only the impact of the final page.  This is by nature somewhat subjective, but I’ve done my best to call them as I think they’re meant to be read.

What is the feeling the reader takes with them into the next chapter?  Excitement for the heroes?  Dismay and fear?  A simmering tension?  Which side, if either, got the HELL YEAH HELL YEAH fist-pump?  If there's a relative clear answer, I'll call it for one side of the other; chapters that end with no particular new reveals, arrivals, power-ups, or other such shifts in the tides with be called as neither.

Finally, for ease of tracking and reading, my tallies and accompanying brief explanations are separated by volume. I'll provide totals for each category at the end of each volume, and full totals, as well as a total count for which category the volumes end in, at the end of the arcs. Final counts and commentary will close the post.

Let's get started.

FIRST WAR ARC

Volume 27: 259: Hero Advantage.  Endeavor and company confront (apparently) Ujiko, catching him completely flat-footed.

260: Hero.  Mirko crashes into Ujiko’s lab, to his horror, and kills John-chan in doing so.

261: Neither.  Mirko and the High Ends square up for their Round 2.

262: Hero.  The Villa gets cracked open like an egg, catching its inhabitants entirely off-guard.

263: Hero.  If they were on more level footing, I’d call this Neither, but given the positions Hawks and Twice end the chapter in, and the clear difference in emotional preparedness, this one goes to the Heroes.

264: Neither.  The Hawks/Twice fight continues inconclusively; Dabi is revealed to be on his way, but has not yet arrived on-scene to affect any changes.

265: Villain.  Dabi makes a strong and, for Hawks, unexpected entrance, pinning Hawks beneath his boot.

266: Neither.  Twice dies, which is a huge hit to the Villains, but the narrative sympathy is so clearly with Twice and Toga that it’s impossible to describe the chapter as ending on a fist-pumping note for anyone.

267: Hero.  Doubly so, as Endeavor and Tokoyami both show up to intervene in fights that were about to go to the villains, but we'll be fair and only count it as one anyway.

                   Heroes 5 | Villains 1 | Neither 3 | Total 9     

Volume 28: 268: Neither.  Basement action.  The tube gets cracked; Aizawa and Mic are told not to let Shigaraki wake up.  Nothing conclusive.

269: Hero Advantage.  Literally ends with Ujiko wailing that the Lord of Evil’s dream is over.

270: Villain.  It ends with Deku getting a warning about Shigaraki, which makes it a bit borderline, but Shigaraki being awake at all has to count for the Villains.

271: Villain.  Gigantomachia stands up.

272: Neither.  The kids start rallying against the Decay wave.  Deku gets a new move that doesn’t seem like it should have any effect but is played as being effective.  Shigaraki’s Decay wave is being monstrously effective, even apocalyptic, but the tone of the last page is ambiguous.

273: Neither.  Shigaraki faces off with Endeavor.  Both are known factors on this field of battle.

274: Neither.  Deku is on the move in hopes of leading Shigaraki to a more deserted area.

275: Hero.  Aizawa arrives at the Shigaraki fight, locking down his quirk use.

276: Hero.  Deku and Bakugou arrive in time to save Aizawa from what likely would have been the same kind of blow that will later cost him his eye.

                   Heroes 3 | Villains 2 | Neither 4 | Total 9     

Volume 29: 277: Neither.  Mount Lady attempts to stop Gigantomachia.  Results inconclusive; both known factors.

278: Neither.  Leans a bit Hero side because it’s Momo dramatically getting her head on straight, but it’s really just more preparations for a face-off.

279: Hero Advantage.  The League is getting swarmed and Mina is on the brink of delivering what’s framed as a knock-out blow to Machia.

280: Neither.  Shigaraki laboriously gathers himself, preparing to monologue.

281: Villain.  Shigaraki readies a quirk-destroying bullet with Aizawa’s name on it.

282: Villain.  Gigantomachia, who is very much not knocked out,  looms over an unsuspecting city.

283: Hero.  Deku negates the (immediate) danger of Decay by activating Float.

284: Hero.  Deku lands a full-power blow on Shigaraki, who’s been largely unable to fend him off in the air.

285: Villain.  It pains me to grant this because I knew good and well Bakugou would be completely fine.  But he is a major combatant and face for the Hero side and this is clearly intended to look like it will take him out, at least for the fight.

                   Heroes 3 | Villains 3 | Neither 3 | Total 9     

Volume 30: 286: Hero Advantage.  The action moves to the vestige realm.  Very borderline, but Nana’s words are definitive: “Let us handle this.”  The implication is very much that there’s no need to fear because the vestiges have got this.

287: Neither.  Chapter ends with Toga reflecting on heroes and the weight they give to the lives of Villains.  Could represent a major turning point for Toga, but it’s still soft-pedaled by making that turning point dependent on a Hero’s yet-unspoken words.

288: Neither.  Chapter ends mid-dialogue in the Toga/Ochaco fight.

289: Villain.  Machia and his passengers arrive.

290: Villain.  A little borderline because the actual very last panel is the plane containing Best Jeanist, but the audience doesn’t know that yet, and the bulk of the final page is dedicated the devastation of the Touya Reveal, so I have to give this one to them.

291: Hero.  Best Jeanist arrives.

292: Hero.  Mirio arrives with his quirk restored.

293: Hero.  Machia goes down because the sedative finally kicks in.

294: Villain.  Mr. Compress backstory reveal and big escape moment.

295: Neither.  The battle ends save for the wrap-up.  The villains are neither victorious nor defeated.

                   Heroes 4 | Villains 3 | Neither 3 | Total 10

FIRST WAR TOTAL: Heroes 15 | Villains 9 | Neither 13 | Total 37 Volume End Advantage Count: Heroes 2  |  Villains 1  |  Neither 1

                       

SECOND WAR ARC

Volume 35: 343: Hero Advantage.  The Heroes counter AFO’s army by “unexpectedly” whipping out their own via Warp Gate.

344: Hero.  The Heroes take the offensive and split up the villains’ army.

345: Villain.  Toga lassos Deku through a gate, separating him from the field he’s supposed to be on.

346: Villain.  The beginning of Fingervetr.

347: Neither.  Borderline because it’s a big dramatic page of Toga, but it’s more conversational then confrontational to me, and isn’t revealing anything particularly new.

348: Neither.  Deku flees the island, leaving Toga to Ochaco.

349: Neither.  Dabi gears up to provide the answers Shouto has specifically asked for.

350: Neither.  Dabi’s coming on strong, but Shouto remains undaunted.  I’d give it to the Villains if the last page were Dabi liquidating the All Might statue, though.

                   Heroes 2 | Villains 2 | Neither 4 | Total 8                    

Volume 36: 351: Hero Advantage.  Shouto unleashes Phosphor.

352: Hero.  Shouto appears to beat Dabi.

353: Neither.  AFO is talking a lot, but not about anything groundbreaking.

354: Neither.  AFO and Jirou exchange smacktalk.

355: Hero.  Hawks and Jirou combine efforts to break AFO’s mask.

356: Neither.  Endeavor has a big moment, but AFO gets his hands up in time to block and is still shown intact at the end of the chapter.  Borderline, but I’d say not quite definitive enough to qualify it for the hero side.

357: Villain.  AFO regenerates.  A little borderline because it actually ends with Deku, and the approach of what I guessed at the time were the American jets, but I think it’s a similar enough scenario as the end of Chapter 270 to call it for the Villains as well.

358: Neither.  No impact from the Hero attack leaves it a little unclear how much effect it will have, and a new attack is not a big enough game changer for me to really count it even unproven.  It’d be easy to call it for the Heroes, though.

359: Hero.  Return of the Big Three.

360: Hero.  Bakugou’s in rough shape, but there’s a hint that he’s noticed something important, which could foreshadow a change in the tides of the battle.

361: Hero.  Suneater’s Chimera Cannon, which certainly looks incredibly hype and impressive in the moment.

362: Villain.  Bakugou’s “death.”

                   Heroes 6 | Villains 2 | Neither 4 | Total 12                    

Volume 37: 363: Villain Advantage.  AFO finishes regenerating; full face reveal.

364: Hero.  The impossibly moronic Edgeshot-as-Bakugou’s-heart business.  Not conclusive, but it steals one of the Villains’ victories out from under from them.

365: Villain.  A shift in Inner Tenko’s emotional state heralds Shigaraki’s next form.

366: Hero.  Deku arrives at the Sky Coffin.

367: Neither.  Deku attempts conversation to ask about Shigaraki’s status.

368: Hero.  Deku lands a full-power hit on ShigAFO while Yoichi talks to his big brother about letting this being the day that their battle ends.

369: Villain.  A scene change to Spinner that’s timed in such a way that it could really only foreshadow Spinner’s victory.

370: Neither.  It’s very close to a Hero call, but mostly what Shouji’s doing is shaking off mundane attackers and making a dramatic proclamation.  Not quite enough direct impact for an end-of-chapter Hero Advantage.

371: Neither.  Even closer than the last one, but neither blow the kids are gearing up for actually connect on-page.  I wouldn’t fault anyone who called it for the Heroes, though.

372: Neither.  An extremely effective cliffhanger, for once, as Spinner and Mic call out to Kurogiri simultaneously.

373: Villain.  Kurogiri gets up, calling himself the protector of Shigaraki Tomura.

374: Villain.  Toga deploys Sad Man’s Death Parade; Hawks proves he hasn’t learned jack shit from the last time he faced this question.

       ��           Heroes 3 | Villains 5 | Neither 4 | Total 12                    

Volume 38: 375: Hero Advantage.  Toga’s narrative-destined rival manages to follow her off the island and to the Villa ruins.  Close to a Neither call.

376: Neither.  Setting up a Dabi/Endeavor clash with Endeavor not caught on the back foot.

377: Hero.  Return of La Brava.

378: Hero.  Return of Lady Nagant.

379: Neither.  Sets up a reengaged clash between Shigaraki and Deku.

380: Hero.  Arrival of Shiketsu.

381: Hero.  Tokoyami lands a blow that AFO is explicitly afraid to get hit with.

382: Hero.  Shinsou and Kirishima arrive with a brainwashed Gigantomachia.

383: Neither.  Reiterates that AFO is in trouble, but it’s not new information, and the choppers coming in at the very end are an unpredictable element.

384: Hero.  The choppers are full of Hero-supporting journalists here to tell the world how incredibly hard-working and earnest and admirable Heroes are.  Gag.

385: Neither.  AFO’s belated but impressive show of force gets dampened somewhat by the Heroes refusing to give in, and even getting one of their number back.  It’s back and forth, but Stain really tips it for good over to a neutral chapter ending.  While he’s obviously not aligned with the Villains, he’s far too murderous to chalk him up as a Hero yet, either, especially on-scene watching two kids he tried to kill last time he saw them.

386: Hero.  All Might gets a cool robot suit and the last-page chapter title drop references his iconic catchphrase.

                   Heroes 8 | Villains 0 | Neither 4 | Total 12                    

Volume 39: 387: Hero Advantage.  Rei is, of course, a civilian, not a hero, but she’s clearly aligned on the Team Good Guy, so I have to give it to them.  It’s not a hill I’d die on, however, particularly with the very last panel being the flashback to Touya emphasizing Rei’s culpability.

388: Neither.  What a nice vision of hell as everyone burns to death, including Dabi.  If I gave it to anyone, I’d lean Villain, because it’s certainly more in line with what Dabi wants—what he’s always wanted.  But in terms of impact on the reader, it certainly isn’t going to get anyone whooping and cheering for the Villains.

389: Neither.  It’s a good last few pages of Shouto and Iida, but the reader already knows they’re on their way, so it’s not a pleasant surprise to see them enroute.  The fact that they are still enroute rather than dramatically arriving to save the day keeps this from being a full Hero moment ending.

390: Neither.  Teasing more of the fight between Toga and Uraraka, but no sudden turns, new elements, or grand statements on either side.

391: Neither.  Ongoing fight; while Ochaco gets the stirring line, the actual last page is Toga lashing out.

392: Villain.  While I’m loathe to give it to them on the basis of an injury I was not for one second actually worried about, the chapter does end with Toga putting a knife into Uraraka’s gut and a flashback to Twice asking Toga about a Villain name.  A clear Villain-upper-hand ending.

393: Hero.  Ochaco comes through with flying colors, getting a quirk awakening and making Toga an offer she’s dreamed of her whole life.

394: BOTH.  For literally the first time in this whole count, I can’t count this against either side.  If pressed, I’d call it a Hero win, but it’s a win because it validates both sides.

395: Neither.  Sorry, gang.  I’m utterly incapable of calling this one in an unbiased way.  It’s an all-too-real death scare for Toga and, regardless of how happy she is in the moment, I can’t call her potential death a victory.  But since Ochaco obviously feels the same, it’s not a Hero win, either.

396: Hero.  And get ready, ‘cause there're about to be a whole lot of them.  Good god, but I hate this All Mech sequence.

397: Neither.  Ongoing battle, no major tides turning in the final page.

398: Neither.  As above.

                   Heroes 3 | Villains 1 | Neither 7 | Both 1 | Total 12                    

Volume 40: 399: Hero Advantage.  The big turn-around with Aoyama, with All Might dropping the Aoyama-themed laser of AFO.

400: Hero.  Stain’s return.  Stain’s a Villain himself, but far too aligned with Hero orthodoxy for me to count him returning to help All Might as anything but a Hero-side victory.

401: Neither.  All Might’s still kicking, AFO is within range of Shigaraki, but nothing decisive deployed on the final page.

402: Neither.  To all appearances, All Might continues to shovel more battle damage onto AFO.  There’s a death threat in the explosion, one I don’t think I took very seriously at the time, though plenty of others did.  Left to my own devices, I’d call it for Team Hero, but I’ll err on the side of restraint and call it a hero equivalent of Toga’s death threat.

403: Hero.  Unequivocal Hero victory—Bakugou’s back up.

404: Hero.  Saving All Might with the literal power of prayer.

405: Hero.  If I wanted to be snide, I’d point out that Final Boss is definitionally a Villain role, so Bakugou enthusiastically claiming it for himself implicates Heroes as having been the Villains all along, while the Villains are the clear heroic underdogs struggling against a corrupt, violent system.  But that’s just my bitterness making me perverse; this is a clear Hero victory.

406: Neither.  Exchanging of smack talk, Bakugou gets a good but not definitive hit in.

407: Neither.  AFO’s flashback ends with one of the most crushing emotional defeats of his life, but you can hardly call AFO slice-and-dicing Yoichi a Hero win, either.

408: Neither.  AFO’s going all-out, but Bakugou remains undaunted.

409: Hero.  AFO’s effective defeat at Bakugou’s hands.  Yoichi’s regretful glance is not enough to shift the needle.

410: Villain.  Shigaraki does what the narrative has long been warning that he can and steals a portion of One For All, grabbing Danger Sense for himself and stealing Shinomori from the OFA collective.

                   Heroes 6 | Villains 1 | Neither 5 | Total 12                    

Volume 41: 411: Neither.  Deku’s readying an offensive that gives Shigaraki lots of Danger Sense tinglies, but nothing definitive.

412: Neither.  The temptation is strong to call this for the Hero side, as it’s the moment Kudou formulates the plan that will soon be leading to Shigaraki’s ultimate defeat, but the caveat that the plan requires losing One For All kiboshes that feeling very triumphant.

413: Hero.  There’s some nominal sadness for Deku gearing up to lose OFA, but the tone here is much more about how great and awesome Deku is for being willing to do it, on top of how incredibly fucking rad the art plainly wants us to think that he looks.

414: Hero.  I’d normally call it Neither for lacking new elements or definitive actions, but I have to acknowledge the sheer disparity between, on the one hand, the vestiges telling Deku that it’s working and to keep going as Deku gears up to unleash another punch while, on the other hand, all Shigaraki can manage is huddling in on himself and choking out a few pained grunts.

415: Neither.  Borderline in that Eri is a clear Hero-side ally with an absolutely game-changing power, but the truth is that she’s at U.A. with no immediately clear way to make it to the battle even if anyone were to let her go, so it’s not too different from any other chapter that ended with a major player en route but not yet arriving.

416: Hero.  Deku finally breaks into Shigaraki’s inner mind, over Shigaraki’s protestations.

417: Neither.  Deku and Nana make a major breakthrough, but Shigaraki’s backstory yet has terrible bombs to drop.  I can’t call it a Villain advantage, though, because it’s still stuff Shigaraki very much does not want Deku meddling with.

418: Villain.  AFO returns yet again, spoiling Deku’s hard-won moment of equilibrium and understanding with Shigaraki.

419: Hero.  We can’t even get a week to savor/freak out over Deku losing his arms because the actual last beat of the chapter is Aizawa bringing in a pair of classmates via Kurogiri’s warp gate, suggesting (albeit inaccurately) that Kurogiri has settled as a Hero ally.

420: Hero.  More of the above and Deku gets his arms back after a world-shakingly relevant and momentous chapter and a half.

421: Hero.  All around Hero support, now including from civilians too.

422: Hero.  More of the above and now Deku’s punching Shigaraki at the end of it under a chapter title of Midoriya Izuku Rising.

423: Hero.  Deku’s triumphantly raised fist clears storm clouds, changes the weather, and kills the man he was trying to save.  This is framed as a victory anyway.

                   Heroes 8 | Villains 1 | Neither 4 | Total 13

SECOND WAR TOTAL: Heroes 36 | Villains 12 | Neither 32 | BOTH 1 | Total 81 Volume Count Total: Heroes 2 | Villains 3 | Neither 2

                   

TOTAL CHAPTER COUNT FOR BOTH WAR ARCS: 118 CHAPTERS Final Page Hero Advantage: 51 Final Page Villain Advantage: 21 Final Page Neither: 45 Final Page Both: 1

Total Volume Count: 11 Volumes Last Page Hero Advantage: 4 Last Page Villain Advantage: 4 Last Page Neither: 3

---------------------

Now, you could (and I might) write a whole different post about the unbalanced strategic advantages that I discussed at the beginning of the post, but I think this breakdown also serves to illustrate the scope of the problem with raw numbers (percentages rounded off a bit such that they total to neat 100s).

In the first war, 40.5% of the chapters end with the Heroes on the upswing, 35% have no clear advantage, and only 24.5% end with the Villains waxing triumphant. Despite Hawks reflecting at the end of My Villain Academia about how the Paranormal Liberation Front was a power on par with, or possibly even greater than, that of Hero Society, the numbers don't really back that up. Instead, Heroes have the advantage over half again as often as Villains do, and even the uncertain chapters are still more numerous.

The second war is worse—much worse. Hero Advantage chapters account for nearly half of the arc at 44.5%, while chapters where Neither side clears account for the bulk of the remaining chapters at 39.5%. Only 15% of the chapters, well under a quarter, are Villain Advantage. For an endgame that wants to be about "saving Villains," only one single chapter (1%) ends with something you could credibly call both sides winning.

Now, of course, the second war is the climax of the whole series, so of you might say that of course the Heroes are going to ultimately do better. They have to win in the end, after all, so of course the arc will eventually feature mostly Hero victories.

I would counter that, while that is true, the story repeatedly tries to convince us that the Heroes are really struggling, that they've lost so many people, that they're at this huge disadvantage that neccessitates the extreme measures they use. And the numbers simply don't back that up, even less than they did in the first war!

If you look at the totals for each volume, Heroes have a wild advantage in two of the first four volumes (the arc is seven volumes in total), numbers the Villains never come close to meeting. There's one volume (the third, Volume 37) where they have the majority of the chapter-ending advantages, and even there, it's a narrow margin. Volume 38 is then a blow-out with not a single Villain Advantage chapter cliffhanger in the whole book, and in the final three volumes of the arc, the Villains get exactly one Advantage chapter per volume.

Not very convincing numbers, if the aim is to convince the reader of how much Plus Extra effort the Heroes are going to have to exert, if you ask me!

Between them, Hero Advantage and Neither chapters make up a shocking 81% of the two war arcs, with merely 18%, less than fifth, of the chapters ending on Villain Advantage beats that could serve to freshly drum up, "Our heroes are really in trouble now!" anxiety.

Looking back to what I said about the Heroes having the bulk of the strategic advantages for both arcs, that surely can't be all that surprising. You can't expect a set-up that slanted to leave much room at all for Villains to get time to shine; they simply don't have the room in the story for that when, for everything they try, the Heroes already have some countermeasure.

As a final comparison, remember I praised MVA back at the start for being gripping in large part because the "Heroes" of that arc, the League of Villains, were at such a disadvantage?

I briefly ran the numbers there, and I'd say, of nineteen chapters that contain active confrontation of some sort between the League and an antagonistic force (Gigantomachia, Ujiko, and the MLA), the League have the chapter-ending advantage beat in four of those chapters: Toga's victory in 226, Twice overcoming his mental block and starting to replicate himself in 229, and the two chapters covering Shigaraki's ultimate victory over Re-Destro, 238 and 239. That's a grand total of 20% "Hero" Advantage chapters for them, and half of those are the arc climax chapters.

The "Villains" for the arc likewise have the ending advantage in 20% of the arc, four chapters: Machia having comprehensively whipped the League at the end of 419, RD making the League an offer they can't refuse in 223, Skeptic pushing all of Twice's buttons in 228, and RD plucking off Shigaraki's fingers in 233.

The remaining eleven chapters—60%—go to the Neither category. Compare that back to the percentages for the war arcs, and you can see that, while the Villain Advantage percentage is similar (~5% higher in the first war and likewise lower in the second), the Hero Advantage is twice the percentage (40+%) in both arcs, while the Neither chapters are accordingly lower (the war arcs are 35% and ~40% Neither respectively).

In other words, the Heroes in the war arcs just straight-up have more chapter-ending awesome moments and reveals, and spend less time facing chapter-ending uncertainty, compared to not just the Villains they're fighting in those arcs, but also compared to what those same Villains got when they were being Heroes for an arc.

And to think, Horikoshi wants me to think his Heroes are being challenged. Pull the other one, Sensei; it's got bells on.

(I welcome anyone else to run similar numbers with e.g. the trainng camp attack or the Hassaikai base raid. For myself, I'm too sleepy to figure out a better ending for this post, so I'm just turning out the lights and hitting the sack. Sorry if there's any formatting wigginess or the closing analysis is lacking; I will clean it up later if need be.)

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Okay, I've Read Worm: A Retrospective Part 4: Let's Give Wildbow Some Fucking Well-Earned Praise

So, I've had a decent number of harsh words for Wildbow over the course of my liveblog, and also over on my main blog. Overall, most of them are about his WoGs or Ward, rather than Worm itself. I've also commented I don't think I'd enjoy talking to him (not that he's likely to ever reach out, but you know). But I've had some complaints about Worm too.

But the thing is, I did read Worm. I read the whole thing. A desire to write fanfic would not have kept me going through all 30 chapters if I hated it. Or even if I just thought it was like, mediocre. It's 1.6 Million words. I am not that kind of masochist.

Life is short, Worm is long, if I wasn't enjoying it, I'd have left a long time ago. So I did enjoy it.

And the thing is, even if I never pick up his other works (and I do intend to try some), I am no doubt going to have more harsh words for Wildbow in the future. And I have no doubt that even if I love say, Pact or Pale or Claw or Seek or... I dunno, his next Web Serial after Seek called *throws a dart at a wall* Iota, I'm sure I'll have harsh words. I can't think of a single creator of anything that I don't have at least some issues with something they put out.

And to be fair, even most people who fully like Worm and Ward tend to have some harsh words for him now and then, or at least negative ones.

BUT, I liked Worm. And so, I think it's fair to really sit down and give him some unalloyed, unambiguous praise.

The Pace of Output: This is probably low-hanging fruit, but it is genuinely impressive that Wildbow wrote Worm as quickly as he did, sticking to a schedule as consistently as he did. I am in awe. I think even if I didn't have to work at all, and was able to write all the time, I wouldn't even be able to match half of what he did in the same amount of time, in terms of output. Wildbow accomplished something that is genuinely amazing here.

The Shards, Entities and Powers: Shard mechanics are not my favorite thing about Worm. But the whole thing really does come together well. It's a pretty cohesive, pretty well directed power system to tell the story he wanted to tell. I don't consume much cape fiction, so I don't know what stuff beyond Marvel and DC are really like in terms of how powers work and how they all fit and service the story, but for Worm, the Shards work to tell the story he wants to tell, really well. I read and write mostly fantasy and sci-fi, and spend a lot of time in worldbuilding spaces dedicated to both, or have at least, and a lot of would be writers fall into the trap of trying to overdevelop the magic system or the rules for whatever crazy supertech their story has without really stopping to figure out how it fits for the story they want. That's generally not a great approach if the intent is to have a story, and not just a cool setting or a fun magic concept. Wildbow created a pretty cool system, and then managed to avoid the common trap of getting so attached to the power system and it's rules that it interfered with telling the story he wanted to tell. Instead, he built and bent the system with his story as the driving purpose, and kept it all cohesively working within that framework.

The Interludes: The Interludes are without a doubt some of the best shit in Worm, overall. The way he is able to convey so much about these characters in these cutaway scenes and expand the world and advance the story and develop ongoing themes and narratives? Nearly every Interlude is doing like, 4 things at once, I swear to got, and the way he juggles that all together is awesome, and the end result is great. I will never go back and reread all of Worm from start to finish. But I will sure as shit go back and read some of the interludes just for the sheer fun of it. The way these cutaways manage to get you inside the head of these people, see their perspective is really good, takes real skill to make you go 'I really kinda see Saint's POV here' for his Interlude, for instance. Really good.

Amy Dallon: So like, I think it's clear I love Amy. She's fascinating. I have big feelings about her, and she's a divisive as fuck character. But Amy Dallon is the most fascinating character in Worm for me personally and she's genuinely one of the most fascinating characters in anything I've read. I'll have more to say about Amy if I manage to get a version of that Amy retrospective I'm happy with written, but unironically? Wildbow, thank you for writing Amy Dallon. I bitch about how much she's taken over my brain, but Amy is such a fascinating, interesting, enjoyable and engrossing character that she has been a net positive for me. Reading Worm and reading about her has enriched my life. Thank you. You did a damn good job with her in Worm, Wildbow.

Taylor Hebert: As I said back in Part 1 of this retrospective, I was worried I'd find Taylor insufferable. Her capacity for self-rationalization should be an issue for me. It often can be in other characters. But Wildbow managed to write Taylor amazingly. He created a character who is multifaceted, multilayered, complex, nuanced and yet, pretty simple. She's intensely relatable, and yet, she is also deeply, deeply alien and abnormal. She does absolutely insane shit, and yet, when you're reading along with her POV, so much of what she does and thinks makes her seem like the only sane woman in the room. Even when you take a step back and realize what she does, she's very hard to not like. Even if you want to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her, you like her. She's great. She's an everywoman, she's no woman. She's clever and stupid and brilliant and unimaginative all at once. She is... She's Taylor Hebert. She's an antihero, a villain protagonist, a hero hero and... she's just some fucking girl.

Heroes/Villains: What I mean by this bulletpoint is - villain protagonists, making villainous characters sympathetic - that's easy enough to do. And making the 'official heroes' of a setting not really as great as they might seem is also fairly easy to do. But it is hard to pair the two together as well as Wildbow did. The Undersiders do a lot of bad things (I would disagree with people who say they're all *fundamentally* bad people - even Regent... ish, kinda sorta. He's so fucked up due to his background that calling him fundamentally bad is probably not really accurate. Though some people draw red lines around some of what he did, so that's more subjective. But like, the key thing is that he did that while *also* still making them pretty sympathetic without like... running protag-centered morality and still making them have done quite a bit of good (and a ton of bad) AND the handling of the heroes. Because it really does look a lot like he's doing a bit where the 'official heroes' are the real bad guys of the story between things like Armsmaster's shit and Interlude 2, but he also doesn't actually do that. And he executes it in a way that is really well done, without doing the thing where the narrative acts like someone is evil but like... the person isn't.

This isn't really an exhaustive list of 'everything Worm did well' or even 'Everything I liked about Worm', but it is stuff that Wildbow did really fucking well, that I really liked or am impressed with, and that he deserves unalloyed praise for.

There are reasons why I kept reading Worm, and those are some of the reasons.

(There could also be a point on how he manages the readers' information diet, but it's really hard to say for sure if it's something that I really liked because I came in so thoroughly spoiled. From what I can see, I think I would have liked it and given it the unalloyed praise normally, but it's impossible to say because I knew what 75% of these clues were ahead of time).

Mr. Bow - you did a lot of shit I don't like. But holy motherfucking shit, you did some goddamn amazing stuff too.

[bonesbuckleup]

Hi, random q. I saw in your tags that you swear by Scrivener for original fic. I’m still plugging away in ye olde Word and now I’m intrigued to know what about Scrivener you like so much. I’ve def heard about it but never used it, so I’m curious :)

YES I would love to tell you about my lord and savior software Scrivener. I hope you don't mind I published this long, long answer publicly.

So. The main issue I have with Word and Google Docs is that you hit a certain length/word count, and it starts to lag and load kind of jerkily. You know? Also, navigating chapter to chapter or scene to scene is awkward for me--you either have to have a whole bunch of individual documents and multiple windows open, or you have to use headers and the table of contents...which is fine for quickly finding chapters but less so for scenes within those chapters.

Messy, basically. Does not spark joy for me.

Enter Scrivener.

Now, before I evangelize a bit, I will say that Windows Scrivener and Mac Scrivener are not 100% created equal. They are both better, I think, than Word or Google docs, but the Mac version is a bit slicker and a little nicer to look at. I only say that for if you're using Windows, because if so my screencaps below won't exactly match what you see if/when you download the program.

ONWARD.

So, the #1 thing that Scrivener has over Word is that it's a one time fee, not a subscription. So while it is a little pricey (Just went and looked, $59.99 USD), it's only the one payment. All updates and such are covered and available as free downloads. I will also say that Scrivener gives you a 30 day free trial. That's not 30 consecutive days, but 30 days of use--if you only use it every other day, you'll have the trial for 60 days. They make it really easy to figure out if it's for you or not.

This is also going to feel like a lot, but there are built in tutorials and it's actually pretty intuitive, depending on how your brain works. Anyway! The basic gist of Scrivener is that it's a digital binder. You can keep all your book stuff in one place:

As you can see, there's the manuscript (aka my book), notes, research, more. Tbh, I mostly just use notes and Manuscript, but if it floats your boat, you can store maps, place names, worldbuilding, playlist links, moodboards, a whole ton of stuff, all in one menu that's easy to access and in a single window. You can organize it however itches your brain the best way.

But like I said, for me, the best is that Manuscript part, which I'm going to go into now. I use a three act structure for books (but break the big ol' middle act into two pieces because it makes my brain happy), so each act gets a folder.

When I click and expand that act, each chapter has it's own folder. However, it also shows quick-reference index cards, so I can have an at-a-glance at what's going down in each chapter. (I'm using a outline system called Save the Cat for this book, which is why all my chapters have titles like 'Catalyst', feel free to ignore those...I also have a very compact timeline, so to help me stay organized, I labeled each chapter with when it happens.)

You can do the same with each individual chapter and the scenes, where when you click on the chapter folder, each scene gets a card. If you don't type in a summary, it'll just auto-populate the start of whatever content you were writing. You can see this in the 'Copper's Candids NEW' card.

And, of course, it is writing software. When you click on the individual scene, it opens the blank document, and you can get cracking.

So. This system is nice for a few reasons. My favorite is that it makes navigating, reorganizing, and/or rewriting scenes extremely easy. It's just point and click, drag and drop. You can also open two docs in the same window at once, like this:

Which is a nice feature for several reasons--you can work on a new version of a scene with the old one pulled up next to it, or if there's something you wrote earlier or that comes later that's important to what you're working on now, you can have them both up for quick referencing.

Another slick thing is each doc has a notes section off to the right side of the screen--which is optional! I use it for future revision notes/descriptions of how I want the scene to go:

My other favorite part of Scrivener is that it makes it very easy to hoard your deleted scenes like a deranged dragon in case you want them later. My garbage looks like this:

There are SO MANY FILES hanging out in my trash, and you know what? I so rarely actually need them, but my god am I glad they're there on the rare occasion that I do. Word, again, can make it more difficult. I always had a massive 'cut' document that was longer than the actual project and again, awful to navigate. This just makes it easier.

Scrivener also makes it easy to compile the manuscript into other doc types--pdf, doc, docx, etc--for easy printing and sharing.

ANYWAY. I'm sure there are approximately 1 million other things I'm missing, but basically Scrivener takes all your book/long project bits, puts them in one centralized file, and makes it super easy to navigate. I've also found that outlining is easier, because I can just make the folders and scenes and drag them around while I noodle through the plot.

10/10, would recommend to any long-form writer. If you have any other questions, please let me know! If anyone has read this far and has a thing about Scrivener to add, please do! I love Scrivener, and a lot of my writing buddies love Scrivener, and it really kinda has revolutionized the way I write original fiction. I'm always happy to yell about how great it is.

[asimplearchivist]

What’s your preferred way to write? On a PC, laptop, phone, in a hardcover notebook? Something else entirely?

Also, how do you organize worldbuilding, references, outlines, and other stuff for your projects?

Don’t mind me, just taking notes… 📝 👀

Hi, Sofie!😊Thank you for popping into my inbox!

I almost exclusively write on laptop/PC/iPad/even my phone when I get the chance. (When I was a waitress I was in my Dragon Age kick and would write on my tickets front and back so I wouldn’t “be on my phone” the whole time. I have the majority of the future scenes of The Smallest of Deeds transposed from those tickets, and I still have them in an envelope tucked away.) Otherwise I’m a tech/cloud enthusiast haha. I have enough blank notebooks that I want so very badly to get into the habit of actually using them, though…one day!🙏🏻

As far as my notes…they’re usually chaos lol. Most of the time they end up just being billeted lists at the start of my documents. Plot points and twists, character details, etc, all lined up so I can check them easily. I add them as I think of new things, like snippets of dialogue or scene ideas and the like.

I am currently in the process of transferring all of my Docs to a platform called Dabble, which is also cloud compatible, since Google decided to allow AI to delve into that space. I need to save a bunch of my old college/uni assignments into my Word Documents, but my PC is still out of commission for the time being so that process has been on hold for a while, unfortunately.

(I digress.) Dabble has character cast, plot grid, and worldbuilding notes features that help me to organize a lot more effectively, which is why I like using it so much. You can pull up your “notecards” within whatever chapter or scene you’re writing in at the time, and it’s enough of a blank slate that I don’t get overwhelmed with feeling like I have to fill everything out. (I swear I’m sponsored lol, but it really is nice if you can afford to pay its subscription fee. It just feels a lot more secure than Docs, runs more efficiently without lagging, and has features that allow for importation and exportation. It structures the document itself like a manuscript for easier transferral, and it has cloud syncing and allows for others to comment and access for beta reading and the like. I’d highly recommend checking it out!)

In the Morning Light (or, currently, That Poison, Reconciliation) is the first fic that I’ve really invested in organizing since I’ve had a bunch of different documents over the span of ten years keeping track of all my ideas. I’m exclusively writing it in Dabble rn.

Speaking of which…I’m a week late for an update, huh🥲I have some free time tonight, so I’ll try to work on the next chapter!

[the-dead-sea-trilogy]

4, 5,and 6 for TDS trilogy? Any of them obvs :]

4. What detail in [insert fic] are you really proud of?

Honestly, as with most of TDS, all the little subtle things that are going on and the parallels with time, underlying motivations of characters (the people AND the pokemon involved). Whenever there are repeated words or phrases. For example in the last update, in Interlude, II - Lifeline when flash-forward Maxie calls Colress and says "Colress, I'm trying to keep this professional, I have a favor to ask you," and then in the next chapter, Icarus Maxie says "Colress, I'm--um. Trying--I have a favor to ask you." I do that a lot and I never get tired of it. Time is a flat circle etc.

Because I have so much of the trilogy plotted out and written already, I have a lot of opportunity to play like that both within the books themselves and between books in the series. For example there have been phrasing and imagery callbacks to Devil several times in Icarus already, and I added inklings of Icarus in Devil when I was editing it before I posted it. (I had started writing Icarus while I was finishing Devil - Devil was posted all at once after a few rounds of edits). There are hints of Mother Earth in Icarus. Etc etc etc. You get it.

Ophelia has kind of been on its own for a while, but it definitely influenced the way I write Colress and I'm considering how it fits in more in his characterization. I also may start releasing Ophelia at some point. It's like 80% complete and 120k words in.

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about [insert fic]? Answer it now!

"WAIT IS YOUR USERNAME SUPPOSED TO BE META OR SOMETHING" yes. yes it is >:)

Without revealing too much, while Maxie is the main protagonist, I consider the series to be Archie's story.

6. What’s one fact about the universe of [insert fic] that you didn’t get a chance to mention in the fic itself?

It's kind of implied in the worldbuilding but will probably never be explicitly stated, but my version of the Pokemon universe is like, superimposed over the real world. It's why I have them say things like "oh my god/gods" and "christ" etc instead of the traditional fandom "oh arceus" (which is a trope that I personally find distracting, but no shame to anyone who uses it. i've definitely seen some creative Pokemon Swears. just my preference). And why they mention real places like Hawaii as well as Alola etc. Both worlds exist at once.

The geography is weird and is not 100% hammered down in my head, nor do I think it needs to be, but as such, Hoenn is somewhere off the coast of Florida. Archie is a pirate of the Caribbean. Don't ask me why there's a volcano there then, I don't know. Unova is in New York (Castelia City either usurped NYC or is a LARGER adjacent city), Alola is near Hawaii, etc etc etc. Don't ask me where Kanto and Johto are, I don't know. The logic of my universe would set them in Japan which cANNOT be right unless it all functions like Phoenix Wright Japanifornia which at this rate, you know, it could. I know the logic of this would then also set Hoenn in Japan. But look. Archie and Maxie are Pokemon world's "Florida man" okay. I don't make the rules. They just are.

[2maegor2cruel]

Heres the oaf's political insight! So not in the Shield Islands succession context, its pre-kingsmoot, but still not very helpful. Anyhow I fully subscribe your frustration, its kind of a worldbuilding sinkhole by GRRM - I just tend to take the I think opposite approach for my daydreaming that is that if there's no Canon confirmation that a a group of siblings all come from the same mother I make a random amount of them salt sons lol. I even considered it for Rodrik Harlaw bc I Imagine there's a ton of rock daughter vs salt son inheritance dysputes and i really don't see why Gwynesse feels like she had a shot in a dispute with him if they're full siblings - but eh thats definitely One where It would have been said if It were the case and Gwynesse Is Just being metaphorical lol. Anyhow Always a Joy to see people overthink worldbuilding and I Wish you good luck on your writing and on your read of Last Serving Daughter i had a very good time with it

@hell-heron THANK YOU!!!! I could not find that for the life of me, I swear. tbh I can't tell if George legit forgot about Harras for a hot second or what. My best guess is that the assumed mutually beneficial alliance between Vic and Hotho would involve two things: 1) Hotho swings Harlaw for Vic using his influence, 2) once Vic wins the kingsmoot, he'll repay Hotho by marrying his daughter and (politically) strong-arming Rodrik Harlaw into giving Hotho the castle of Ten Towers. So perhaps Vic was low-key threatening Asha, because Rod the Reader holds a lot of political sway in Asha's favor, but if Vic throws in with Hotho, then that power is undermined? Idk, if anyone's got a better idea then please let yourself be known.

But yeah, it's frustrating. I know a stupid amount about George's ironborn lore, but it's not uncommon that I look at a particular bit of world-building, think to myself "hm. nah. that's stupid", and totally disregard it lolll. On a personal level, I think George could have done so much more to explore gender on the Iron Islands, but I just need that old man to focus on finishing TWOW. Leave the gender stuff to the experts: tumblrinas 🫡 (affectionate). Ironborn gender gets discussed a ton in relation to Theon (which is fair, considering that homeboy is a cocktail of the worst gender expectations and masculinity Westeros has to offer), but I wanna know more about ironborn women too!!

And oooOOOoo I like your salt son Rodrik idea... that's pretty spicy. I just assumed Gwynesse was an old battle axe that liked to make her younger brother's life difficult (same), but that's a fun interpretation too lol. I've had a lot of thoughts about the Rodrik-Alannys-Gwynesse sibling triumvirate of widow(er)s rattlin' around in the ol' braincase lately, and now I have something new to ponder... hehe.

Finally, it's good to hear that you liked "Last Serving Daughter"! That means I should definitely read some more of it tonight 😉 And thank you! I wrote a handful of short one-shots back when I was 15 (a dark time), and then didn't really write again for like 7 years lol. But now I'm back in the game! My confidence (and frankly, competence) has improved a lot in the last few months, and I've been having a great time! These next few chapters of The Fic will involve a lot of Iron Islands world-building, with a ton of details and character backstories that I 100% made up lol. But the important part is that I'm having fun and being myself 👍

[kangaracha]

Definitely didn’t go snooping on your blog and find an ask list from like 2 weeks ago. Nope, not me. 😅

For the WIP ask list (obviously I’m meaning NEVERMORE 🤩)

3. Who’s your favorite character for this chapter/fic?

10. What is the last line of dialogue you’ve written? (Feel free to redact if it’s spoilery 😂)

14. What have you been finding frustrating with writing this chapter/fic?

Custom question, can I get something Felix related out of it? 🥺❤️ (you can say no I guess😒😂)

snoops are my favourite kind of people, get ur nose in there u freak.

3. Who’s your favorite character for this chapter/fic?

oh god. overall chan has been doing a lot of legwork in the early stages of this thing, i appreciate that his character arc is easy for me to keep tabs on and it's so fun to frustrate him. this chapter though, minho is just such a fun excuse to write snappy dialogue and be a little bit. insulting is the wrong word but you know what i mean. teasing, maybe.

seungmin also, he's got that bit of bravery that sends the story forging ahead to discover something new and i love shit like that, i'm always curious to see around the next corner. and he has that merciless humour too, like minho.

10. What is the last line of dialogue you’ve written? (Feel free to redact if it’s spoilery 😂)

"They chase the ghosts away at night," Minho sighs, and then looks up when he feels their collective eyes on him, questioning. Confused. 

"The city's haunted," he says, like that explains it all, and drops his head into his hand again. 

14. What have you been finding frustrating with writing this chapter/fic?

the word counts. keeps and i have been discussing this at length - i really don't know if it's this new site we've been using or just that the worldbuilding and characterisation for 8 main characters is so immense that there's no choice but to give it the space i've given it, but like, 20k chapters???? more than once?????? you can tell i've cracked it with a certain chapter when i've started splitting it in parts - like this current one which i genuinely thought would be like 10k, and is currently TWENTY SIX THOUSAND WORDS. UNFINISHED. which is why we are on part 3 looking down the barrel of part 4. one day, we will reach miroh, but not until we crack 30k for this chapter.

Custom question, can I get something Felix related out of it? 🥺❤️ (you can say no I guess😒😂)

i have been agonising over this all DAY, i only have the chapter after next pre written and a bro hasn't really shown up in either of those chapters in a meaningful way yet (don't get sad there's just a certain circumstance that happened in the next chapter that meant we had to focus on someone else for a while xD) so i just simply have no bonus felix content to offer and that kills me, i wanna give you something so bad

i'll tell you what i told keeps the other day; while i don't need felix for much of part 1 (have i told you nevermore has three parts? nevermore has three parts), there is a lot of him coming in the side effects/yellow wood arc. that's your jam babe, just stick with me i'll get us there i swear. also, he's my main guy for part 2, can't do it without felix.

[ofstoriesandstardust]

day 7 - mittens - Sunshine and Rooster

a/n: the irony is not lost on me that i’m writing & posting this in the midst of my finals week in the middle of a snowstorm... anyways, i wanted to do a little something for these two as part of ficmas and i love love love young Rooster and Sunshine. some of these characters got introduced in chapter 3.5 and some of them are new. i have re-written this three times to get it to a place where i liked it (which seems to be the case for anything for flight risk) so i hope you enjoy :)

summary: A snow day in the midst of finals week isn’t exactly a college student’s dream. Well, maybe it is.

inspired by carly rae jepsen’s “mittens”

12 days of ficmas | main masterlist | top gun: maverick masterlist | flight risk masterlist

warnings: swearing, sledding and snowball fights, my idea of worldbuilding is just adding new characters

word count: 2,409

You sigh, looking over the piece of pink paper haphazardly taped to the classroom door that announces class has been canceled. You shiver, pulling your coat tighter around you. 

“Well, what now?” Tommy asks, sticking his hands in his pockets. 

You sigh again, turning on your heel. “Well, I’m going home.”

Tommy and Bailey follow you out of the old building, somehow colder inside than it is outside, even with the fresh snow. “I kind of want to go to the park.” 

You huff out a laugh, watching it appear in the air, as you push the creaky door of the building open. “Why?”

“It’s the perfect weather to go sledding!” He exclaims and you shake your head, holding the door open for them to follow you. 

“No, I’m freezing and tired. I’m gonna go home.” 

The three of you pause outside of the building. “I’m with Tommy, sledding would be a fun break.” 

You shake your head, kicking a patch of snow. “No, I haven’t even started our paper for that class.” 

She groans, rolling her eyes. “You never have any fun.” 

“Hey Bradshaw!” Tommy calls and you look over to the brunette, whose head flies up at the sound of his last name. His face breaks into a bright smile, changing direction and heading towards your small group. “Hey Tommy.” He says, clapping his hand and pulling him into a hug. You exchange a look with Bailey, shaking your head. “Hey Sunshine, Bailey.” She nods and you offer him a smile. “What’re you up to?” 

“We’re talking about going to the park and going sledding, but this one-” Tommy says, pointing his thumb in your direction, “-is against it.”

Bradley frowns. “Oh yeah?” 

“I’m cold!” You defend, shivering to make a point. Bradley rolls his eyes and turns back to Tommy. 

“Well, I’m down. I think Eli’s just getting out of class. I could probably catch him and see if he wants to go with?” Tommy nods. 

“This sounds like a solid crew.” 

Bailey nudges your shoulder with her own. “You’re coming.” She whispers and you roll your eyes. 

“If I fail this class, it’s on you.” 

She rolls her eyes, linking your arm with hers. “So, we’ll meet you guys there?” The boys nod in agreement. “Great, see you in twenty.” You turn, heading towards the parking lot. “Can we stop by your house and drop our stuff off?” You nod as you reach her car. She unlocks the door, its beep echoing through the deserted parking lot and you climb in the passenger seat of the SUV, taking your backpack off. 

“Yeah, that works. I want to change and I think my room mate found a sled in our basement the other day.” 

She starts the car and swiftly pulls out of the parking lot as she begins the drive to your house. The drive is quiet, the radio murmuring quietly in the background as it plays Christmas music. 

She pulls up in front of your home and you’re quick to slide out of the car, the car beeping once more as she locks it again. You unlock your front door, pushing the door open. She shivers as you step into the house. “It’s cold in here.” 

You nod, slipping your shoes off. “It’s an old house. Heating doesn’t work that great.” 

“It’s cute though.” 

You nod, humming in agreement. “It is, isn’t it?” You slip your backpack off your shoulders, setting it down next to the couch. She falls back on to the couch and you laugh at her, pulling your coat off. “Comfy?” 

She nods, smiling at you, but then shifts, sitting up. “Hey, are you not excited about this because Bradshaw’s going?” 

You sigh, leaning up against the wall. “No, I really should be doing our final paper. And it’s not that I have a problem with him, you know that.”

She snorts, smirking at you. “Obviously.” 

You roll your eyes, shooting her a look. “I just don’t think he likes me all that much.” 

“I doubt that. He has a special nickname for you and everything. He doesn’t have that for anyone else.” 

You push yourself off the wall. “You think that Bailey.” You round the corner to the hallway, slipping inside your bedroom to pull on warmer pants for sledding. After changing, you pad downstairs to the basement, spotting the neon orange sled your room mate had dug up just the previous week in search of a shovel for your driveway. You grab it and then jog back up the stairs, slipping back into the living room. 

“Ready to go?” She asks, zipping up her coat. You nod, grabbing yours from the floor. “c’mon, let’s go.” 

The two of you wordlessly begin the walk to the park, you working to not slip on the ice hidden beneath the snow on the sidewalk. 

The walk only takes a few minutes and soon enough, your group is in sight. They’ve amassed a few others, notably Kade and Madison, although you really only know Madison. There’s a few of Eli and Bradley’s friends too, along with their third room mate you can never remember the name of because he’s never actually around. 

According to Bradley, it’s because he’s very invested in his fraternity. 

In your opinion, he might be a little too invested in his frat and its lifestyle. 

Madison offers you a hug as you drop the sled to the ground, letting the tactile girl squeeze you. She pulls away in time for you to catch Eli’s smirk. “Didn’t think you’d join us with Bradshaw here.” 

Bailey snorts as she walks past. “That’s why I went with her. To make sure she didn’t take off and hide from us.” 

Bradley staggers and winces, a hand flying up to his heart. “It wounds me that you hate me so sweetheart.” You roll your eyes, turning away from them as you sit next to Blake, a transfer student new to UVA this year. 

“Don’t want to sled?” He asks, lacing up his boots. 

You shake your head. “Not at the moment. I’m afraid snowballs are going to fly at my head while I do it.” You say nodding your head to the boys, Eli roaring with laughter as Bradley chucks snowballs at Tommy’s figure as he races down the hill. 

Blake shakes his head, standing up. “Boys.” 

You open your mouth to call him out on the fact that he is also a boy but you don’t get the chance, icy snow hitting the side of your head. You freeze, jaw falling open as the snow clings to your hair. Eli’s falling over himself with laughter as Bradley shoots you a sheepish grin. 

“Sorry?” 

-

Bradley’s back is turned to you as he watches Eli ride down the hill one more time. 

The group had had a good day, laughing and sledding and throwing snowballs at each other. Kade, Bailey, and Madison had even attempted to build a snowman that had just ended up bickering about how to properly do it, the snow just sitting there in a rather large lump. 

The group was getting ready to pack up and head home and while you didn’t often participate in acts of revenge, everyone was distracted, giving you the perfect opportunity to enact retaliation for the snowball to the head earlier in the day. You reach down, scooping up some of the snow and packing it together when Bailey calls your name. Bradley’s halfway turned at the noise when you chuck the snow at him, hitting him square in the back. 

He stumbles in the snow, head swinging back to you. You mirror his sheepish shrug from earlier. “Sorry?” 

Bailey giggles as her and Madison approach you. “Hey, Madison wants know if she can come over.”

Kade’s head perks up from where he’s pulling his gloves off. “Oh yeah, don’t you live down the street?” You nod tentatively. 

Eli nods enthusiastically. “Yeah, let’s reconvene at yours for some post-sledding hot chocolate.” You tilt your head, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t remember inviting any of you over.” 

Eli scoffs. “Well, you can’t deny that hot chocolate sounds good right about now, especially to warm up your hands.” He says as he points to you. 

You glance down at your hands, still hanging by your sides in the bitter cold. “I don’t own mittens.” You mutter, feeling self-conscious suddenly and shoving them into the pockets of your jacket. 

Bradley looks at you wide-eyed. “How do you not have mittens? Or gloves? We live in Virginia!” 

“I don't know!” You defend, cheeks warming despite the cold temperatures. 

He shakes his head, muttering something under his breath about frostbite and hypothermia but says nothing more to you as the group looks expectantly at you, waiting for an invitation. 

You groan, tilting your head back. “Fine. You guys can come back to my house if you want.” 

“Way to make us feel welcome.” Eli remarks and you narrow your eyes. 

“Then don’t come over Eli.” 

“Oh hell no, I’m not passing up the opportunity to see where you live.” 

You roll your eyes and turn on your heel, treading through the inches of snow to get to the sidewalk. The group follows you as they fall into an easy chatter. Bradley’s long legs quickly bring him to the front of the group as he walks next to you, remaining oddly quiet. The walk is quick, maybe only ten minutes with all the unshoveled snow and soon you’re unlocking your front door again and pushing it open, your friends filtering in behind you. Blake collapses on the couch and Madison nudges him, her and Kade also taking seats on the couch. 

Bradley stands to the side as the group settles in your living room, looking around. “It’s a nice place.” He mutters as you shut the door, kicking off your boots. 

You hum in response. “It’s small, but it’s nice to have a space of my own.” 

He nods, following you into the kitchen. “Can I help you at all? I recognize my best friend kind of invited himself over.” 

You offer him a half-shrug, reaching up into the cabinet. “’S okay. We’re lucky I’m a mug collector. I guess I could also make coffee...” 

He stands off to the side as you putter around the kitchen. You’re all too aware of the fact that he’s watching you, hands in his coat pockets, as you make hot chocolate and a pot of coffee for the crew. 

His gaze brings the nervous butterflies that appear whenever he looks at you or offers you a smile, and you once again have to remind yourself to get it together. That your silly little schoolgirl crush on him would bring about nothing and it was better to take what you were offered with him, take the tentative friendship because it was all you would ever get. 

(Did he consider you guys friends? You did.)

Eventually, Madison wanders into the kitchen, helping you and Bradley carry the mugs out to the group. You sat on the floor, leaning up against the foot of the armchair. Bradley hesitated when be saw that it was the only seat left but eventually sat in the chair. You tried not to pay attention to the fact that you could probably move just a few inches and lean your head on his knees and you desperately tried to think about if that would be comfortable or not. 

The group quickly began discussing their plans for winter break, each sharing what they were looking forward to over the month off from school. Eli talks about how his parents are taking him and his sister out to ski in Park City in Utah, bringing Bradley with them out to their house out there. You look up at him as Bailey snorts. 

“You’re spending Christmas in Utah?” 

“You’re not going home for the holidays?” You whisper, just loud enough for Bradley to hear as your friends devolve into giving Eli shit for vacationing to Utah. He shakes his head, taking a long sip of his coffee (no creamer, two sugars not that you were paying attention) before he answers.

“No, I don’t... don’t like going home for the holidays.” You nod and he clears his throat. “What about you, looking forward to going home?” 

You shrug your shoulders. “Kind of.” 

It’d be another year of your parents fighting and someone crying and probably your Mom shutting herself in her room...

You shake your head. “Let’s just say the holidays aren’t my favorite time either.” 

He raises an eyebrow. “Oh really? Would’ve pegged you as a Christmas enthusiast.” 

You snort, going to respond when the sound of your room mate unlocking the front door effectively ends the conversation. 

-

You shut the door to the dishwasher when he clears his throat. You startle, turning. “Didn’t realize anyone was still here.”

He shrugs, offering you the same silly sheepish grin he had earlier in the day after launching a snowball at your head. “Sorry, I had to use the bathroom. I just wanted to see if I could help you get cleaned up at all.” 

You shake your head, tucking a piece of stray hair behind your ear. “I think I’ve got everything, but thanks for offering.” 

He shrugs. “It’s no problem. My mother did raise a gentleman.” You have to school your features, knowing any mentions of his parents was rare. “Anyways, uh, I should get out of here but good luck on the rest of your finals and uh- have a good trip home, okay? Have a safe flight and all that.” 

You can’t help the smile that beams across your face and the blush of your cheeks, even if you wish you could, knowing the visible reaction must be off-putting for him. 

You’re still not even sure if he thinks of you as friends. 

“Well, uh thanks Bradshaw. Hope you have a good time in Utah.”

He chuckles as you follow him out to your living room. “I’ll sure try.” He slips on his coat as he walks to the front door. You hold the front door open for him, flipping on the porch light. 

“Drive home safe Bradley.” You call as he walks down your front steps. 

If you dream about the bright smile he tosses over his shoulder at you for the next two weeks, well that’s just between you and the universe.

[psylunari]

Comments: thoughts, types, how-tos, and etiquette (part 2 of 4)

This is better read sequentially, but you can skip to any section. They are as numbered:

1) The basics

2) Thoughts on comment culture

3) Types of comments

4) Writing cohesive and coherent comments

5) Etiquette

6) Technical questions

7) Short-answer questions

8) Long-answer questions

Part 1: Sections 1 and 2.

Part 2: Sections 3 and 4 (you are here).

Part 3: Sections 5 and 6.

Part 4: Sections 7 and 8.

PDF version here, containing the whole thing. It has a table of contents and cute formatting.

♥ 3: Types of comments ♥

Comments are detailed below with a description and examples. I wrote all the examples. They might be based on comments I’ve seen, but aren’t real ones left by readers.

3.1 Emojis, keysmashes, second kudos, and not-so-verbal comments

Usually short. Might be hard to make heads or tails of them. If it’s all emojis/kaomojis, the comment is likely trying to express the reader’s emotions. The keysmash is internet “slang” for speechless or at a loss for words, but strong feelings about the thing, often positive. Second kudos are also emojis, but heart emojis, imitating the kudos/favorite button.

Example(s):

“😭😭😭😭😭😭” “ヽ(♡‿♡)ノ” “skjhgsdkfljgsdlkgfsjdh” “❤️” “!!!?????!!!!??????”

3.2 Short positive comments

One or two sentences expressing appreciation about the whole fic or some aspect of it.

Example(s):

“Loved it, thanks for sharing!” “This chapter is everything. Good to see this pairing more often in the fandom.”

3.3 Medium and long positive comments

Longer than the previous ones. Might delve into detailed opinions, quote the fic back to the author, and contain a deeper analysis of something.

Example(s):

“I’ve been reading this fic since day one. The writing is stellar and the characterization is on point. It’s good to see things getting finally resolved. Those two deserve peace and quiet in each other’s arms, after all.” “Ok, so it’s 3 am and I totally should be sleeping. My finals start tomorrow, and I was scribbling a few notes for an assignment, but I couldn’t resist this update. 5k words? How come?? The plot twist was SOMETHING ELSE. I don’t wanna spoil the other readers who might see this, so take my word for it and GO READ. When we thought we were done getting into her flashbacks, we get THAT. OH MY GOD. What will be of me until the next update? (probably a sleepless mess because broke college student juggling two jobs) LOL see you anytime, your writing is a blessing to this world.”

3.4 Constructive criticism (concrit)

Concrit points out flaws in whatever the reader can find them, and provides ways to improve the fic. Ideally, it’s a polite, considerate comment, but might not be.

Example(s):

“While I love the premise, worldbuilding, and first act, I think it’s a bit dragged out from chapter 5 onwards. Stories like yours could use faster pacing and less domesticity. If you trim the less relevant scenes and turn them into extras (maybe posted as one-shots in a series), it’ll flow a lot better. Also, be sure to use a spellchecker. English is hard. I know you’re not a native speaker, so that’s why I’m suggesting it. This fic will be a hit, you just have to polish it, to make it shine its brightest. HMU if you need help, and good luck!”

3.5 Pure criticism

Simply state an opinion, not ways to improve. Ideally, it’s polite, but might not be.

Example(s):

“It reads very amateurish, repeats many clichés from the fandom, and the characterization is off. I was in for the tags, ends up it’s not great.”

3.6 Hate/harassment, demanding updates, unwanted comments

Comments that try to bring the author down, attack them, demand faster updates, are impolite in general, or outright creepy. Might contain swear words and threats.

Example(s):

“lol this fic is trash, don’t waste your time” “I bet you live in your mom’s basement to this day and will never get a girlfriend” “Why don’t you post the next chapter already? It’s been a month. We’re all waiting” “Ugh, such disgusting content, what to expect from shippers of that pairing?” “Write even one more chapter, and I’ll doxx you” “Quick question, do you have an OnlyFans?”

3.7 Requests/prompts

Ask if the author could write a specific thing or suggests ideas for a fic.

Example(s):

“Could you write more one-shots of them? I need this pairing in my life.” “Put them all in a high fantasy AU, each one from a different race, competing for the throne. Three parts minimum. It’ll be awesome in your style and I want to see it.”

♥ 4: Writing cohesive and coherent comments ♥

AKA “I don’t know how to write X type of comment, help me”.

If you need further help, check the Long Live Feedback (LLF) Comment Builder.

4.1 Types I’m not going to cover and why

I’m not going to teach you how to write “pure criticism” and “hate/harassment” comments. Section 3 had a guide on identifying them, not encouragement to write it.

Pure criticism can be “an opinion”. Sure, “critic” is a job, like film critics, book critics, etc. There’s also such a thing as a nice opinion. However, I’d like to keep it positive. I don’t want to teach you how to tear a fic down without teaching you how to tell the author ways to do better. It might scare people away from fandom, especially newbies and/or insecure writers. Avoid criticizing total strangers (do it to friends who take it well, and it’s none of my business). You don’t know who’s behind the screen and the hardships they’re facing. Be kind.

I don’t need to go into detail about why teaching how to bully and harass others online is a bad idea. It’s unavoidable to come across hate comments on the internet. Anonymity makes people think they’re free to say as they please. Be the change the world needs to see.

If you do end up spreading hate online, I hope you face consequences, learn from your mistakes, quit doing it, and find something healthier to pass the time.

4.2 Not-so-verbal comments (emojis, keysmashes, second kudos…)

Emojis/kaomojis: send the ones that best represent your emotions.

Keysmash: type lots of incoherent letters without any words.

Second kudos: send heart emojis, maybe with “second kudos!” written as well.

4.3 Short positive comments

“Loved it!” or “great/amazing fic!” are fail-proof. You can also add “thanks for sharing”, “Love this [ship/plot/trope/other]”, “your style is great”, and other things you can think.

4.4 Medium and long positive comments

You can open comments with things like:

What you were doing when you found the fic (at school/work? procrastinating? looking for a rarepair? looking for a specific tag/theme?);

What time of the day it was;

Stating if you’re a newcomer to their works or not;

Other things you can think of.

There are a few things you can praise:

Writing style;

Characterization/development;

Plot;

Pacing;

Dialogue;

Being engaging;

Being original;

Other things you can think of.

You can proceed with:

Quoting your favorite lines of the fic;

Mentioning if you usually read that type of fic or not;

Saying if a scene made you cry/laugh;

Saying if a scene will stick with you for a while;

If it’s your favorite fic of that pairing/tag/theme;

If it’s your favorite fic of that fandom;

If it’s your favorite fic ever;

Other things you can think of.

4.5 Constructive criticism (concrit)

This one needs a little more structuring.

Create a document somewhere. Google Docs, Word, Notes app, etc.;

List strengths. Writing style? Characterization? Plot? Character development? Pacing? Dialogue? Spelling, punctuation, grammar? Being engaging? Being original? Others?;

List weaknesses. Same list as above;

Try to come up with ways the author could improve on the weaknesses. Grammar and the like? Spellcheckers. The plot structure is on the weaker side? Studying storytelling and structure. Robotic dialogue? Paying attention to real conversations, and so on;

Then, use a model like this if you want:

[These are all the things that I think are good, and don’t need to change.] [Next, these are the things I think need more work.] [These are ways they can do it better, and solutions for the problems I found.] [Here, you wish the best of luck to them, reassure them you’re doing it out of liking the fic, and state your intention to help them if they need it again.] [If they need further feedback, and you’re willing to do it, leave your contact info.]

4.6 Requests/prompts

If the author hasn’t stated publicly that they take requests/fill prompts, don’t send them uninvited. Always ask first. If they respond positively, proceed. If they don’t, it’s nothing personal. Some aren’t good with prompts or have no time/desire to write them.

Some authors provide sheets for requests or list things they will/won’t write. If there is a sheet, fill it out and send it. If they don't write something, don’t insist they do.

If it’s a request, be polite and non-demanding. Phrase it like “could you write this?” or “would you be open to writing that?”. Never “5k fic of this/that character doing this, ready by tomorrow night”, you’re not their boss. Preferably, thank them for their time and effort.

If it’s a prompt, provide enough information, not too much information. Don’t go overboard on details: the author won’t be able to elaborate with their personal touch. You’re asking them specifically to write it, so in theory, you want their take, not just your ideas.

If you want a specific thing to be out of the fic, state it, especially if there’s a chance the author could add it because it’d fit the context. For example, in a car accident prompt, someone dying isn’t out of place. Don’t want any deaths? Tell them.

An example of a weak prompt:

“Write a one-shot about Main Character.”

An example of a well-rounded prompt:

“Three years after canon ends, Main Character and Side Character #1 see Character Dead in Canon walking on the street on a Friday night. Character Dead in Canon didn’t seem to notice them, then entered the most suspicious nightclub. No smut/incest, please.”

An example of a too-detailed prompt:

“What if Main Character woke up, checked their phone, and there is a text message demanding they get to work at 7:35 am? Their former boss requested they deal with this, this, and this activity they used to do. However, they’ve been retired for years, since they were deemed unfit to work. Thing is, their boss has a miracle solution for the health issue they’re facing, but their boss isn’t going to tell them about the solution until they arrive at the office. I’d like it to be 30k words minimum, it should include spicy scenes here and there, but nothing explicit. Their car should be red. Their cat is a Maine Coon named Salt. They are dating me specifically. I am 165 cm tall, my weight is 60 kg…”

Part 1 // Part 3 // Part 4 are waiting for you.

[juleswolverton-hyde]

Not by the Moon | 08

Genre: Smut, Romance, Strangers to Lovers, Drama, Tragedy, Werewolf AU, Supernatural AU, Bookshop AU

Pairing: Bookshop keeper!/Werewolf!JB x Reader

Warnings: Mild swearing, eating disorder (personal experience, don’t be a bloody twat), heavy(?) angst, Werewolf!Jaebeom trying to be a normal boyfriend

Summary: Every story has a purpose or goal it is dedicated to, their authors at times going to great lengths to see the project they once started to completion. Nevertheless, the things the writers swore on to see their latest art piece to completion are static.

Unchanging.

None of them swore by the Moon nor Love because they can solely genuinely swear on all that changes like themselves.

And yet, a wolf in love foolishly swore by the moon.

That is when Time truly started ticking.

Author’s Note: This chapter is from Y/N’s POV.

I am seeing a trend starting to develop where every chapter turns into a behemoth that makes me not want to edit it at all. Nevertheless, I pulled through on this one despite being in the middle of a 32-hour work week and being absolutely exhausted.

Summer holidays, you said? I only see extra shifts and little me-time nor writing time and inspiration. That said, though, be prepared for some heavy worldbuilding because the plot thickens.

Also, and this has been edited in the previous chapter, a new special someone makes his debut in this chapter. Is this also a hint about whose story is next?

Who knows?

I don’t know.

Previous Chapter / Next chapter

Masterlist

“Jaebeom? Jay!” I nudge the big man’s shoulder to signal for him to step aside so I can turn the stove off before the burned pancake catches fire. “That’s the third one in a row.”

“I’m sorry,” he mutters quietly. “I- I have a... I can’t focus.”

“Is it because of this morning?” If so, then that makes two of us. However, I tried to forget as best I could by working with timed productivity sprints instead of writing the article on Bruges in one go. It worked fairly well until lunch time came around.

That’s when I, too, couldn’t escape the claw mark.

The image of it flashes before my eyes once more, joining my thoughts with his if his blank look is anything to go by.

How did it get there? What did you do?

“Yeah. Morning. I... I’m sorry.” He shakes his head, brows furrowed. “I’m sorry, this should be a nice evening. A cozy night in. You deserve my attention, for me to,” his breath tapers as he finishes the sentence, “be here.”

The quiver in his lips makes the roof of my mouth dry up and my mind empty save for gut-stirring concern, unable to think of a proper response. Nevertheless, I look for words to say what seems best. Like I did this morning when I went to get his medication. “How about I take it from here and bake the pancakes? You already made the batter and I can’t let you do all the work.”

“I like cooking for you.”

“I know you do, but it’s fine. Really,” I gesture at the couch by the living room window, which provides a glimpse of the small balcony, “sit down. I’ll call you once dinner’s ready.”

“Y/N,” he reaches out for my hand yet only dares to hold my fingertips, “I’m sorry I can’t be more.”

The crack in his voice breaks my heart. But its the vulnerability written across his normally stoic face which tears me apart at the seams. Whatever he means, it’s nothing to do with this morning. Rather, it’s about him as a person, the wonderful man he is. 

Throat blocked by something I can’t swallow, I scan his attitude for any hint about what he truly means. “What’re you on about?”

Let’s just forget about it for a little while and be a normal couple. I promise I won’t run away despite what happened.

Unfortunately, Jaebeom dismisses the question to make a point I wish he didn’t. “We both know what’s ahead. But, sometimes it’s as if you’re avoiding the inevitable.”

I let out a deep sigh, caught red-handed. “I’m not, because I know or, rather, can guess where this is going. I just don’t know how to respond at times. And I don’t want you to feel bad so I try to keep the mood high as best I can. To, well, keep us both happy.”

“Is your avoidance of food also part of that?” he asks, carefully formulating the question while keeping a close eye on any change in my demeanour.

“Yes.”

“I hate it when you don’t eat.”

“I know, but if you knew the reasons behind it, you’d understand why it’s difficult for me. Although, I want you to know that I’m trying to keep my promise to you and eat when you tell me to.” I cup his cheek, lovingly swiping my thumb to and fro over the tanned skin. “It’s really hard to escape your determination. You’re very insistent on things.”

“Too much?” Eyes dim and glistening with withheld tears, he nuzzles my palm.

“Sometimes.” I kiss the tip of his nose and smile, a sign of happiness that’s only half a lie. “It doesn’t make me love you any less. Now, let me be a proper girlfriend and cook for you.”

Regardless of the wonderful sight of Jaebeom wearing an apron and being absorbed in his element in the kitchen, it’s equally as wonderful to have something to eat tonight. Secretly, I would rather have made a healthier and less calorie-rich dish, but we both need a bit of a reprieve from last night. Thus, for the sake of us both, I’ve decided to let go of my rules for a little while.

To enjoy something sweet.

As wholesome as the sight of the wolf man seated on the couch, knees pulled up with round gold-rimmed glasses balancing on the bridge of his nose as he reads the novel he apparently borrowed from my bookshelves. I should write a little note on the title page and give it to him as a present so he’ll have one of my books like I have his.

They’ll be on his shelves for as long as we’re here.

Be there even after he’s gone.

Then they will return to me yet still be his.

He will still be with me.

The pages filled with his love.

It’s everything that will be left of him.

His legacy.

His remains.

The thought leaving me filled with bittersweet affection, I cut the fruit to put on top of the pancakes while gradually using up all the batter. Were it not for the move to the cottage at the end of the month, I could easily be content here if he’d ask me to move in. Wherever we are, evenings like these might become a common occurrence, a splendid reward at the end of a long day at the office.

They could turn any place into our home.

The long road of the lone wolf would finally come to an end.

Because as long as he’s there, I’m home.

“Mind your head.” Despite the warning, Jaebeom nevertheless puts a hand on my head while he opens the cupboard above to grab two plates.

“I was just about to say dinner’s ready.” I let out a breathless laugh, hardly hiding the sobs at the thought of one day having to live without his touch. “Talk about timing.”

For a second, a curious expression treks across his face. It passes by too fast to properly describe it, but it seemed to be triggered by the meaningless remark about his return to the kitchen.

When a dangerously short and sharp breath escapes me, he swallows it with a kiss. Perhaps it’s the sorrow of knowing a storm lies on the horizon that makes me delusional, but a soft whine rises in his throat each time he kisses a stray tear away as he peppers my face in small pecks. 

Satisfied he has taken the sadness more or less away, the corners of his mouth curl into a lop-sided smile as if nothing happened. Notwithstanding, it isn’t hard to figure the blissful ignorance is merely feigned. “Right. Timing.”

Our gazes lock and neither of us says a word until he perks up and motions for me to step back. “Fork and knife.”

Discombobulated by the shared confusion, I indeed set a step backwards so he can open the drawer. In the meanwhile, as Jay sets the dinnerware down, I put the final pancake on the stack and set it down in the middle of the table. 

Chest puffed out, I clap my hands. “Dig in.”

Like yesterday, Jaebeom insists on doing the dishes while I settle down for the night. However, whereas I gladly did before, I now do with an uneasy mind. Arms wrapped around my knees, my thoughts run down a familiar dark path.

I ate too much. Maybe I should go home and do a workout. Then again, I really don’t want to even though I have to.

“Y/N?” The faint though surprising mention of my name breaks the imaginary stones weighing down my shoulders. I snap my head to the side, almost headbutting the wolf man who has appeared at my side. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Lips pulled into a wistful smile, I scratch him under the chin in hopes of distracting him to the degree he won’t be able to ask further questions. “I’m tired, that's all.”

Unfortunately, Jaebeom is like a guardian who somehow notices a lot despite his absent-minded demeanour. Henceforth, the topic is all but abandoned. 

Without warning, and as effortless as if he were picking up a book, he lifts me up from the couch to hold me in his arms. Instinctively, I clutch his loose black shirt to have a grip of something in case I fall. It’s an ungrounded fear since his arms are sturdy, but it’s comforting nonetheless to have something to hold on to.

My haphazard action elicits a low chuckle that makes my heart skip a beat, although it almost thumps out of my chest again as he rests his forehead against mine. “Let’s go to bed.”

“It’s only eight o’clock,” I sputter, chest tight and no breath sufficient enough to lift the sensation. “Besides, I- I don’t have any fresh change of clothes or toiletries or a pyjama.”

Did he turn the central heating up?

“Doesn’t matter. Can borrow. You. No, that’s not right. You… you can. You can borrow clothes from me. Also, I think I have a spare toothbrush somewhere around here.”

“Jay,’’ As best I can, I try to keep my tone steady though the words come out too fast and uneven regardless, ‘’I think I should go home.” 

If I don’t and I won’t get in some more exercise, I’ll gain weight and slowly go back to how I was.

And I’ll lose him.

Back to square one.

Loveless.

Despite the effort, I can’t prevent the crack in my voice as I weakly tug at his shirt. ‘’Let me go.’’

“No.’’ The gentle kindness has malformed into rough sternness, translated in a sound similar to a growl. ‘’You need to calm down.”

“I am calm!” I retort, more ferocious and sharper than intended though the equal harshness might help to drive the point home.

For a split second, he snarls and bares his teeth. Simultaneously, a flicker of a second personality passes across his mismatched eyes.

The calm ocean warps into a watery grave with high waves on a stormy night.

The hazelnut cracks to set that which it contains free.

His lashes abruptly flutter shut, as he lets out a pained gasp. Beneath my fingertips, his chest caves as if an imaginary fist has dealt him a blow in the guts.

And in mine as well.

Rippling flesh.

There’s… there’s no… Jay, what is happening to you?

I hold on tighter to the fabric, hyperventilating while trying to refrain from bursting out in tears.

There has to be something I can do! But what? What do I do? How can I make this stop?

How do I get you back?

Withal, shivering lips parted to beg for guidance, are interrupted by a shake of the head hanging low. Slowly, Jaebeom looks up, a light layer of sweat on his skin. Our gazes lock, but whereas the wolf man’s was filled with savage chaos, it’s now returned to the stern tranquility it held before the attack. Nonetheless, an uncomprehending whimper betrays the fact that whatever happened wasn’t experienced consciously.

The rage was beyond him.

Outside him.

Another’s.

Still breathless, he scoffs, the sound gruff and overtly disagreeing. “Let’s watch the moon and stars.”

There is no chance to ask any questions about the swift changes in demeanour since he promptly moves to the hallway and up the stairs towards his bedroom. The bedframe of the two-person bed also functions as a bookshelf which takes up the entire right wall, the shelves stacked with second-hand paperbacks in various conditions. An empty picture frame is placed on his side of the bed, a pair of glasses next to it.

Jaebeom puts me down on the navy wool blanket on the edge of the bed and leans in to steal a kiss, which is easy to do considering I’m too shaken to offer any protest. Nor do I feel the comfort of his lips. “Take your clothes off. I’ll go find you pyjamas.”

A tad reluctant, mind occupied by guilt and terror, I start to undress as he rummages through the wardrobe on the other end of the room.

Left only in my underwear, I sit down on the edge of the bed. Although he’s seen me naked once, I still wrap my arms around myself to hide my body. A shield to protect a fragile ego housed in equally as vulnerable body flesh.

Afraid of what might happen when those ripples grow out of control.

Terrified of who he will become.

Of who he is.

“Don’t.” Jaebeom turns around with a black hoodie and grey sweatpants in his hands, eyebrows drawn together. He closes the drawer, throws the clothes on the bed, kneels, and firmly yet gently grabs my wrists to break the walls I put up. And I let him. “Don’t hide from me.”

Not understanding where the shame originates from, he grows still as he scrutinizes my face for clues. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Instead of giving an answer, I change into the makeshift pyjamas. The hoodie is oversized yet comfortably baggy while the sweatpants hang disconcertingly low on my hips. Fortunately, any skin it reveals is covered up by the top.

Continuing to avoid his gaze without saying a word, I crawl under the sheets. Face turned to the window, I pull up the blanket he drapes over me and bury my nose in it.

A wild forest and cologne with a musty hint of pages.

It’s undeniably him.

I don’t know what else to do or say. So, I let the silence speak for itself.

A language he is fluent in too despite his oftentimes loud demeanour.

The mattress dips under his weight when he lies down and rearranges the sheets to cover us both. An arm wrapped around my waist and legs tangled, Jaebeom pulls me flush against him, his chest warm against my back.

A sob rises in my throat when I feel his lips place a kiss on my crown with a sigh of contentment.

I don’t deserve this.

Us.

Him.

The fear of losing him to whatever is happening inside.

Then again, Life isn’t fair. It deals everyone the same awful hand and leaves it up to the player to make the best of it.

I guess we’re both dealt a crappier hand than others. That, or we play them wrong.

Can we win at all?

“Talk to me.” As loving and happy as the casual intimacy of the embrace is, as forgetful it could make me if only I’d manage to fall asleep, Jaebeom’s oddly sweet cooing keeps me awake.

Staring at the moon.

A woman as fickle as me.

And infinitely more beautiful.

Funny how I, too, am jealous of a celestial body.

In love with the heavens. 

He continues when he notices I won’t be the one to break the silence, his intonation laced by a whiny undertone like a dog wanting something yet being denied what it wants. “You know what I’m dealing with. But...” he digs his fingers deeper into my hips, the grip iron-like without being painful, “I hope this is okay to ask, but what is it with you and food?”

The encouraging squeeze in my side almost has me bursting out in tears again. There has to be a price to pay somewhere in the shadows, the overwhelming sensation of being genuinely loved and protected must turn out to be as two-sided as the silver goddess in the sky. After all, Life is bittersweet.

“It’s only fair I tell you.” Especially after how open he’s been. Besides, there’s no opportunity to avoid the topic since we’d arrive at it sooner or later. And he deserves to know. In fact, I don’t want him to forget my brokenness the moment I tell him about it.

We both want each other to remember our own missing pieces.

So I sigh, turn over and bald my hands into fists to rest against the warm skin of his bare chest. As I speak up, I try to keep my voice as steady as possible. “I used to be quite a fat kid, to the degree the GP advised my parents to put me on a diet. Queue high school and social pressure which led me to perhaps work out more than is healthy and left me bordering on the edge of anorexia. There are still foods I won’t eat and days I’ll worry about my calorie intake, especially on the days I don’t work out.”

I can’t help the mirthless chuckle which turns into a rueful smile. “It’s the good old cliché. Just another soul broken for the shallow enjoyment and acceptance of others.” 

Lips pulled into a stern line, the wolf man remains silent. Notwithstanding, his eyes speak volumes when I dare to look up at him, the ocean and hazelwood alight with a watery sheen. Perhaps it’s the comfort of his nearness or the familiarity of those one of a kind eyes, but he inspires a confession which I never thought I’d make. “Nevertheless, I’m getting better and it’s partially thanks to you.”

Morgan spamming me with ‘Have you eaten?’ texts and Bam making sure I finish my plate whenever we go out for food either here or abroad help a lot too. Nonetheless, it’s mostly the bookish wolf who makes me want to try.

And be a little better than before.

“What do they feel like, those days?”

“The bad ones?” Jaebeom nods. “They’re ridden with guilt and self-loathing.”

He leans in, leaving only a few centimetres of distance between our faces. His breath is warm on my skin as he bumps his nose against mine. “You’re feeling that way now.”

“I am.”

“Don’t.”

“I can’t.”

“You’re still you. Beautiful as always. And I’ll love you regardless of how you look. I like your mind, which is as weird as mine. The way you hold my hand, as if you’re afraid I’ll walk away. How you unconsciously squeeze it when you need my protection more. How you feel in my arms, soft and warm as a bunny.” He hooks his finger under my chin and tilts it upward to run his tongue over my lips and nose. “Love you. A lot.”

“I love you too.” I turn my head to nuzzle his palm, my face perfectly fitting into it.

Please, no ripples. Let us have this moment. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Let me have him, just him as he is. At least tonight.

The secure affection of the touch transforms into something else when he glides the back of his hand over my cheek and folds his fingers over my throat. Testing the waters, eyes boring into mine to stop at the slightest sign of discomfort, he slowly closes off my access to air.

It’s funny how the body and mind react to certain situations. Whereas I normally would flinch and run in the direction of safety, there is no urge to run. In fact, the tingling in my chest travels down to rekindle a familiar heat between my thighs while my adrenaline-infused system aches for the wolfish lover. Henceforth, instead of jumping up from the bed, I spread my legs so Jaebeom can comfortably nestle between them.

“Let me prove it. Let me mate you.” The calloused fingertip journeying across the collarbone to the crook of the neck sends a pleasant shiver down the spine. Another electric shock follows at the coarse prickly sensation of his moustache rubbing against my skin as his soft lips kisses and nips at it. “It will only sting a bit, I promise. Please, the mark will look pretty.”

“No biting, Jay.” Reminded of our agreement this morning and the movement beneath his skin when his emotions seem to get the better of him, I pull him against my chest. Before he can protest I scratch his jaw exactly in the way he likes it, thus subduing his great ability to argue. “Not today.”

“It’s not... hm, k- keep go- What do- Bit higher. There. Like, hm, mhm, there. But... what normal-’’ Arms wrapped around my waist again and letting out a content hum, dark lashes flutter shut. For a moment, it seems he’s fallen asleep. However, his drowsy murmurs, while growing incomprehensible, still haven’t finished. “It’s not what couples do.”

“You’re learning,” I giggle, amused by the remark which sounds like a student recalling a piece of knowledge during a test and repeating it for himself.

Without understanding the knowledge completely. “What do they do?”

Staring at the ceiling, I run my fingers through his long dark manes as I try to come up with ideas about what we can do next. “Well, you’ve already given me your clothes. We could try jewelry next, maybe a promise ring. It’s an old-fashioned idea, but people who are promised to each other wear matching rings. 

‘’What mean? Promised?’’

I say nothing of the faulty grammar of his question. After all, speaking becomes harder once exhaustion overtakes the body and mind. I have yet to find a sleeper being able to form comprehensible sentences. ‘’They’re sort of similar to engagement rings, but without the immediate implication of getting married soon.”

“Let’s get en- enga- enge-’’ Jaebeom lets out a groan, frustrated by his lack of speech. Nevertheless, it doesn’t perturb him enough to completely give up on the effort to properly pronounce the word he’s struggling with. “En. Gage. Ment. Engagement rings instead.”

I let out a breathless chuckle, amused both by his determination and the absurd proposal. “It’s definitely too early for that.”

“It’s not!” He barks, shooting up with a pinched expression on his face.   

Scratching him like before, I manage to calm him down enough to make him lie down on my chest again. Nonetheless, his discontent shines through in the gruff scoff he lets out. “It is.”

“What if...” Prompted by the idea in his mind, Jay scrambles upright to face me once more. Lips parted, the feral sharpness in his mismatched eyes is replaced by a twinkle of barely contained excitement. However, the enthusiasm dims with a shake of the head and a low self-deprecating chuckle that ignites my curiosity. At the same time, it also tugs at the strings of my heart. “No, it’s wrong of me to ask.”

“What is?”

What were you about to say? Don’t keep it to yourself. Tell me!

“Never mind.” He lies down again, nuzzling my breasts as he snuggles up into me.

Then, he slips his hand under mine to lift and compare it to his. “Cute paw.”

Fine. Keep your secrets, you big burly bastard.

“Go to sleep.” I push him off of me, earning myself a disappointed noise which resembles a yelp. “On the other side of the bed, please and thank you.”

In the days that follow, the movement like water set astir under his skin continues to haunt my mind. In fact, it does to the extent that even the keys beneath my fingers seem to flow rather than be pushed down, causing me to flinch for the third time in a row. 

For the past hour I’ve been trying to type out the notes on an interview with a chocolatier in Bruges and compose them into a coherent article. An otherwise simple task my mind won’t allow me to complete despite the attempts to remember the good moments we had recently. The video calls right before bed, the cuddle session a few days ago when we gazed at the moon, his enthusiastic texts about and photos of new recipes Jaebeom tried. None of it prevents the likely imagined terrible from destroying our happiness.

I’m going insane. He’s a normal person. Somewhat. I was jet-lagged and therefore not thinking clearly.

That’s why I thought I felt his skin move. I was delusional.

Drunk on him.

A buzz pulls me out of my reverie, the screen of my phone lighting up with a message.

Morgan: Starving! Found a new café thanks to a friend.

Y/N: Let me guess. I have no choice but to come along.

Morgan: There wasn’t a choice to begin with :)

Y/N: Of course not. What am I talking about, eh? See you in five.

Chuckling at the woman’s classic brashness, I shake my head, pack my belongings and head to the elevators.

Outside, regardless of the November chill, it’s pleasant. The sun shines brightly and the wind blows the little bundles of fallen leaves at the roots of the birch trees lining the street into motion, scattering them over the neatly swept pavement.

Winter is around the corner. God, I hate the cold. Hopefully, there won’t be snow any time soon.

I sit down on the bench under one of the birch trees, its branches already bare. 

Autumn is truly ending now. Shame. I haven’t even had a pumpkin spice latte and cinnamon roll yet. Maybe I should ask Jay out and find a nice coffee shop where we can get them. After all, if he’s there, we can share the pastry. He’ll be happy and I won’t have to eat the whole thing. A win-win situation.

Enjoying watching the people pass by, each stranger essentially a book with a unique story that is yet not entirely different from someone else’s. Withal, the world feels colder without him, the missing part embodied in the unoccupied spot next to mine.

A delighted sigh on the right makes me snap my head around, alarmed at the notion someone has appeared out of the blue on the empty seat. 

A woman clad in a white suit and matching fur-lined coat with pale skin and brown hair glowing copper in direct light stares contentedly up at the clouds. She’s in her very early twenties, although the freckles dusting her cheekbones and rosy cheeks might simply make her look younger than she is.

For a moment, taken aback and speechless, I cannot help but blatantly gape at the otherworldly stranger.

Wow, she’s like a goddess.

A stone sinks to the bottom of my stomach as a dark thought intrudes my mind. My throat dried up, I twist my wrists, the muscles stiff beneath my fingers.

Would Jaebeom like her? If he saw her on the street, would he... would he stop and stare? Prefer her over me or even try and give it a shot by introducing himself?

“It’s a bit chillier than I’d like, but at least it’s better than rain or snow.” The woman turns to face me, her features soft. “I hope spring will come again soon, though.”

I don’t get the chance to respond because a familiar voice calls out. Not that I would be able to form a proper reply otherwise. “You’re here already?”

“I happened to be nearby,” the stranger turns away to answer as Morgan comes to a halt in front of us, a puzzled expression on her face.

“I texted you fifteen minutes ago and you said you had to clean up. I thought you’d join us later.”

“The birth and after birth went faster than I thought so here I am.”

“I’m sorry, but what is going on?” More than a little lost, I look from one to the other in hopes of being given an explanation. “I didn’t know we’d head out with the three of us.”

“Right, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Brigid.” The dark-haired woman holds out her pale hand in greeting. “I work at the hospital as an obstetrician.”

“I’m Y/N,’’ I reply, shaking her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Lass,” wonder turned to a darker version of itself yet not saying anything, Morgan shifts her attention to me, “you look famished. Come on, let’s go.”

Offering a few muttered words of agreement, I get up and sheepishly tag along with the other women. As we walk out the street and round a corner, following the signs leading to the artist district nearby the university, I’m occasionally tempted to join the conversation. However, as soon as a short silence falls, I don’t chip in, unsure how to contribute to the small talk they seem to deliberately keep up in order to avoid a topic neither is keen to discuss. Thus I walk in urban loneliness, my train of thought displaced on my face as I let the ghosts of Jaebeom’s skin freely haunt my mind.

Right before the descent into the darkness of the rabbit hole, strong long fingers wrap around my wrist and hold it in an iron grip. The slightly painful squeeze interrupts my reverie.

Jaebeom?

I snap my head to the side to find Morgan standing there, leaning in a bit and her voice low. “We’re here.”

I don’t know how I’ve managed to ignore the bustle of students looking for a free spot on one of the terraces and loud conversations accompanied by the rustle of the paper bags hailing from the shops owned by self-employed artists. It’s also miraculous that I haven’t bumped into anyone by accident.

“Oh,” is all I say, looking at the café we’ve stopped in front of.

Wolf’s is spelled out in a modern font on the sign outside and above the door. A big window provides visitors with a view of the plaza. The interior is simple yet cosy, the white furniture warmed up by oak accents and the bare walls decorated with various art pieces, centered around wolves and various flowers. By the looks of it, they were all made by a single artist who likes to experiment with style every now and then. A few plants are dotted around the place as well to add a hint of free nature to the underlying strangely forest-like aesthetic.

A tall broad-shouldered man with short curly chocolate brown hair partially covering up the scar running over his left eye, strong dark eyebrows and a big koala-like nose stands behind the counter. Both of his arms and hands are decorated with various intricately designed tattoos. Whereas Jay is muscled yet lean, the tanned barista looks like a man who knows how to fight yet is a warrior in a society without combat.

As soon as we walk in, his lifts his head and turns to us. Playful lights illuminate the milky white of his left and raven dark of his right eye. A meadow of snow, its glimmer reflecting off of the smooth feathers of a wise bird. “Hi, welcome. Brigid, long time no see.”

Nobody seems to notice it, but his female colleague, a short woman with long flowy caramel brown hair tied into a ponytail who has her back turned to us and is busy extracting a shot, cringes at the merry mention of the woman’s name. Slowly, she steals a glance at us, hazel eyes sharpening when they fall on the woman in white. Nevertheless, she remains silent and quickly returns her attention to preparing someone’s coffee.

Looks like I’m not the only one envying her.

It is wrong to hate a woman for her beauty. Nonetheless, although it’s shameful, part of me refuses to associate with Morgan’s acquaintance out of a toxic mixture of spite and jealousy.

Such is the female nightmare.  

“So this is what you’ve been up to,” Brigid muses, nodding appreciatively while inspecting the coffee shop. “You’ve got a nice thing going on here, Rome.”

“Please don’t call me that anymore. It’s Christian now. Chris or Ian for short.’’ Muscled arms crossed, he grimaces and shakes his head while looking down. Notwithstanding, the stern attitude melts into casual friendliness as a bright smile forms on his lips. ‘’But I do, don’t I? However, it’s not just me running the place. I’ve had some help.”

He turns around and motions for his colleague to come over. For a second she doesn’t move, darting glances to each of us like an alarmed cat checking for danger. Notwithstanding, though clearly tense, she warily approaches and halts at the man’s side.

Her eyes nearly pop out of her head when Christian places a hand on her shoulder. “In fact, Gráinne here still helps me out every day. She’s basically the second owner.”

“I- I’m not,” she sputters in a soft Ulster accent, fumbling with her fingers and her cheeks flushed, “I just work here some days.”

“You’re a bit more than a colleague,” her co-worker remarks, shoulders lowered and his tone holding more affection than would be the case when talking to a friend. A warm glow seems to form around him, ignited by the fondness he harbours for her.

Funny, Jaebeom wears that same expression when he’s with me.  

“I’m not.” Gráinne stiffens, each word dripping with venom as she steps away, grabs a serving tray and puts the order she was preparing before being called over on it. “Get back to work.”

Lips parted, Ian watches her as she moves past us as fast and agile like a hunting cat without any further acknowledgement of our presence. I hadn’t noticed before, but beneath her apron, she is dressed in clothes reminiscent of the Victorian era. “I know she can be harsh and isn’t easy to get along with, but I’ve never seen her act like this.”

“Och, let it pass. She has every right to be pissed with you since you put her on the spot like that,” Morgan jokes though nobody goes along with it.

She likes him yet doesn’t see it’s mutual. Should I say something? Then again, this is their business, not mine. Furthermore, why would they believe me, a stranger?

So I remain silent.

And leave this to blossom however it is meant to in Fate’s hands.

The icy glare Gráinne gives Brigid behind her back sends a chill down my spine. Evidently, she is a woman not cross paths with once angered. Withal, as the fair beauty looks over her shoulder, the other woman restores her professional composure. 

“You okay?” Christian asks as he watches her retreat into the kitchen, done serving for now.

“I’m fine,” she says thickly, the next breath hitching in her throat. Her focus shifts to the moon-shaped amethyst pendant around his neck. The ghost of a rueful smile forms on her lips, but it fades as fast as it appeared. “It’s not like I’m having a vision or something. Help them.”

She waves her hand dismissively when he doesn’t move, lips parted to say something yet at a loss for words. Notwithstanding, although I can’t see his expression clearly, it’s evident her feigned nonchalance is hurting him. “Go on.”

He clears his throat and forces himself into a rigid posture, frowning as he shifts his attention back to us. Finger hovering over the tablet functioning as a till, he stares at the display with an empty and distant gaze, which is as dull as the tears threatening to roll down his cheeks. “What can I get you?”

We place our order and settle down at the table by the window, neither of us offering a word of solace or dedicated to his colleague’s behaviour. 

After a while, Christian comes up to us to serve the food and beverages. As he puts the plates with our sandwiches down, he and Brigid exchange looks like siblings telepathically conversing. Whatever it is they mentally discussed, it only leaves the barista a slight bit less worried though the grave expression plaguing him remains as he returns to the counter.

An expression which must be similar to mine since it prompts Morgan to speak up regardless of having her teeth sunk into sourdough bread, looking equally as somber. “What’s on your mind, lass?”

“Nothing.” I shake my head and stir my cappuccino with the vintage silver spoon next to the porcelain cup, smiling at my own silly assumptions of what happened now four days ago. “Everything’s fine.”

“Except it’s not.” The raven-haired woman cocks an eyebrow, far from willing to dismiss my worries. “Now tell me. Or, well, us.”

“It’s something to do with your lover, isn’t it?” Brigid remarks, head tilted to the side as she assesses me while sipping at her Irish Breakfast Tea. Her features soften when she notices she has hit a sensitive snare, evidently meaning no harm.

I pull back in my seat as I take a sip of my coffee, flustered and cursing myself for being an open book. There is no way out of this conversation since the current company is like-minded in their refusal to simply let the topic pass before it has been discussed.

I swallow, put the cup on the dish again and clear my throat. Fumbling with the spoon and eyes cast on the cappuccino’s silky milk foam, I tell them of what I think happened. The story sounds strange to my own ears, like a terrible fairy tale told by a chaotic storyteller who can’t tell it in a manner that makes sense regardless of how he manipulates the plot.

Afraid of their reaction, unable to fathom the slightest bit of sympathy and empathy, I look from one to the other. Fortunately, my silence can be excused by drinking the remainder of the coffee although it’s futile since the thirst has nothing to do with bodily needs.

“Sounds familiar.” The woman in white scrunches her nose in disgust as she glares at Morgan.

“He was different,” Morgan sneers through gritted teeth, jaw clenched.

“In essence, he was similar to her lover.’’ Brigid points at me though she remains focused on my best friend, her voice dripping with venom. ‘’Or should I say, is similar?”

“Since when does it matter what he is?” Thin lips painted plum purple curl into a mirthless smile, onyx locks shaking in discontent. “How hypocritical you’ve become. Forgetful of the past.”

“A past worth forgetting. It’s never too late to change your political opinions, Morgan.”

Great, now I’m the one to open Pandora’s box. I should have kept my mouth shut, changed the topic.

Desperate for help yet knowing he cannot do anything, I look for Christian among the other customers. Expression stern and standing as rigid as a statue, he watches our table from behind the counter. It appears he, too, feels the sense of danger increasing as the conversation carries on. Notwithstanding, as becomes clear from the apologetic shake of the head when our eyes meet, he also knows his hands are tied at the moment.

We are on the same boat, waiting to see how the situation will develop.

Playthings of Chance and Fate.

“We’re not here to talk politics,’’ the woman in question answers, covering her mouth with her hands while chewing on a bite of goat cheese and pomegranate seeds, ‘’but to have lunch like civilized and amiable women. To help our friend.”

“You’re right,” Brigid concludes. Nonchalantly, she pierces a piece of egg in her salmon salad and puts its on the bread provided with it, a bread called St Michael’s Bannock according to the menu. Then, she points her fork at me. “But the best thing you can do is leave him while you still can.”

“L- Leave?” Utterly confused, I look at the woman calmly eating her lunch. “Why would I do that?”

Who is she? What’s more, who is she to tell me to leave Jaebeom after what I told her? He needs help and support, regardless of what may or may not be there beneath his skin.

Unless she is on to something I am not and judging by the current circumstances, I won’t get an answer even if I dare to ask. Henceforth, if only not to snap, I clear my throat and swallow the vile words dancing on the tip of my tongue. 

“Morgan can tell you why. All I can say is that it’s better to avoid men like your lover in the first place.” She coughs and takes a sip of tea to wash down the salad leaf stuck in her throat while the woman with hair as black as night chuckles darkly. Luckily, it is only loud enough for me to hear and Brigid is too busy preventing herself from choking.  

“Sétan-, I- I mean Seán was the one to leave me, not the other way around. And we mutually agreed to part ways in favour of our own well-being.”

“Sure you did. Totally didn’t resort to throwing plates and other pieces of furniture because he rejected you.”

Morgan growls something under her breath, glaring at the woman seated next to me. However, Brigid doesn’t seem to notice the reaction she has provoked or is indifferent to it. “Or washed clothes at the ford where he so ‘happened’ to pass by. Funny how he died soon after.”

Ford? There are quite a few in Ireland, so where and most importantly, when was this? Then again, what are these two on about? Washing clothes in a ford, people dying, politics, lovers to leave. They’re like arguing voices from ancient times.

Moreover, there is the question of Seán’s life. Is he alive or dead? One moment she speaks of him as if he’s still here, but then why would Brigid remark he’s dead?

“You shut your whoremouth, traitor!” With a loud bang, Morgan slams her fists on the table. She stands up with an expression that makes me cower in fear despite not being the target of her wrath.

Behind the counter, Christian slowly comes into motion, carefully moving with the likely intent to inconspicuously circle our table and jump in if necessary. He flinches as Gráinne places a hand on his arm, holding him hard enough for her knuckles to turn white when he tries to escape from her grip in order to prevent the worst from happening. Notwithstanding, whatever the plan was, it goes to waste since he decides to listen to what his colleague tells him. Sighing deeply, he stands down although he continues to observe us.

Gráinne follows his gaze, which seems to be directed at the brown-haired woman in white, her personal target of envy. Her wolfishly fierce expression falters, growing as bleak as the ash of a great bonfire.

This time he doesn’t see how she comes apart at the seams.

Brigid calmly finishes her tea, daps her mouth on the napkin and stands up too. “Get over your crush. There’s no future for you with him. As for you, Y/N,” eyes oddly alight with motherly affection, she turns her attention to me, “and as a piece of advice from a friend, end this relationship while you still can. There’s only heartbreak ahead.”

“Thank you, but,” a wistful smile forms on my lips regardless of the urge to give into the savage nagging inside, “I can’t leave him because I made a promise to stay.”

“I see. Perhaps you’ll prove me wrong and the flowers will bloom in spring.”

And with those final cryptic words, she leaves the café after waving at the tattooed barista.

Or so Brigid intends, but her way is cut off by his colleague. 

While clumsily taking off her apron she storms outside, clenching it hard and shivering as if she’s on the brink of tears.

“Gráinne? Gráinne!” Christian runs after his colleague, pale and eyes wide with worry as he comes to a halt in the doorway. “Where are you going? Gráinne!”

Brigid places a hand on his shoulder, giving it a consoling squeeze. After giving him an encouraging slap on the back she sets off, leaving the man standing there like a defeated soldier.

“Poor lass,” Morgan whispers as she watches the female barista pass the window. Something in her tone hints at a level of familiarity between the two.

“You know her?” I ask, frowning.

“I don’t think she remembers me.” She glances at Chris, who has retreated behind the counter. He has his head bowed, smooth black locks hiding his face from the customers. Trembling fingers entwined to conceal his distress as best as possible, he resembles a man of religion fervently praying for forgiveness. “And neither does he. I saw him and his close friend, Finn, once in the woods. No, it was his brother, Jor… was it? When he came to the island. Was that… who was that?’’

A mist clouds her ocean blue eyes, lost in thoughts far removed from this world and time. ‘’He was there. As for Gráinne, we met… somewhere. There was smoke, a burning body. It was- It was at… where? Fuck, I can’t recall. I think it was at his fu-’’ she abruptly cuts herself short to correct herself with a strange undertone in her voice, “not long after I... saw them.”

‘’Morgan, are you alright? You’re looking awfully pale.’’ 

Instead of breaking free from the spell that has taken hold of her, the reverie only seems to deepen. Rocking side to side, she clutches her arms to her chest. Her skin, although naturally pale, grows sickly like a walking corpse.

‘’I- I’m supposed to remember. I’m one of the few that do. No, he and I are the only ones left that do. I can’t forget. If I do, everyone will. I can’t… I can’t!’’

‘’Morgan!’’ I stand up from my seat to rush to her side. Rubbing her arms, I try with all my might to bring her back to reality from the depths of deliria. ‘’It’s all right, Morgan, nobody is going to forget. Please listen to me and follow my voice, use it as a guide back to me from wherever it is you are. Please, come back to me.’’

‘’May I?’’ Christian has appeared with a glass of water, which he sets on the table before crouching down at the woman’s side as well.

Gently he grabs one of her hands and holds it, talking in a voice that is surprisingly steady and soothing in spite of what happened mere moments ago. It’s rougher and more gruff, making it hard to distinguish one word from another if you are not well-acquainted with the speaker.

In fact, it belongs to a completely different person. ‘’Morgan, as long as there are people who remember, there is nothing to fear. The past has taught us that what might seem like the end isn’t necessarily truly the end. We are still here. We remember because you do and you remember because we do. You’re safe and sound. Instead, return and help me make her remember.’’

‘’Why, of everyone, did you have to fall for her?’’ Gaze blinded by her mind, Morgan reaches out to tenderly run her fingers through the barista’s hair. ‘’What makes her special?’’ 

‘’She understands.’’ A similar fog veils the misty white and dark eyes, Chris or, rather, the stranger pulled into the same realm of consciousness as my friend. ‘’She broke the chains that bound me and doesn’t allow me to slip into the shadows of what I once was.’’

‘’You’re all the same, aren’t you?’’

‘’It’s rare to find understanding and acceptance in a world naturally turned against you. So, please help me. Help me find her.’’ His voice breaks, the begging words coming out  high-pitched like a whining wolf. ‘’Help me find my reason to stay in this world and not forget nor be forgotten.’’ 

The veil lifts, the spell broken with the whimpered plea. 

Christian falls back, but manages to catch himself before his head hits the tiles. Refusing every helping hand from the customers hurrying over, he scrambles to his feet. Fortunately, he accepts the chair I offer him when his dangerous swaying almost causes him to hit his head against the wall.

‘’Are you okay?’’

‘’Yeah, I’m only dizzy.’’ The hiss he lets out flows over into a sound akin to a growl. ‘’And a splitting headache.’’

Morgan has a better return to reality, completely fine aside from a dazed mind. ‘’What happened?’’

‘’You tell me.’’ I search her face for clues, a sliver of the knowledge she is lying. However, I find none.

She is telling the truth.

‘’I… I don’t know. It’s the first time.’’ She clears her throat, brow furrowed. As if having heard a noise, she snaps her head to the side. “I’m sorry, but I have to go. Drink your tea, eat a sandwich and go home early from work.”

She hands the glass of water to Christian. ‘’And you, you drink this and stay seated for at least five more minutes until the dizziness has faded. Are you nauseous?’’

‘’No. Although,’’ he dry heaves, ‘’never mind.’’

‘’Make it ten. You look as pale as a banshee.’’

‘’Speak for yourself.’’

‘’You’d make a pretty one, though,’’ Morgan muses when she returns her attention to me. ‘’Beauty makes suffering leading to death easier.’’

Apparently, her return to reality has left her as mad as a hatter so perhaps it wasn’t as good as I initially thought.

“Why on earth would you say that? Besides, what kind of comparison is that, us and a banshee?”

“One based on truth. Now,” she shoves the remainder of her goat cheese and pomegranate sandwich to me, “eat, rest up and get cracking again. We’ll be in touch and visit the new café I found yesterday later, alright?”

“Hey, not so fast. Where are you headed off to?’’

She can’t be serious. There is no way she is unaffected by what happened. 

“Attagirl,’’ Morgan says as if I promised to heed her words, ignoring what I actually said. ‘’By the way, ignore what Brigid said and stay with your man. It’s plain to see how he makes you feel.”

“It is?”

“You’re glowing and you come alive when you speak of him. It reminds me of how I was with Seán.” She starts as if awakened from a dream, but tries to hide her awkwardness behind a sheepish smile. “Well, then, take care.”

“You too.’’ The two simple words, otherwise casual, are now carefully chosen in order to not to trigger another ‘attack’.

My gut tight and skin prickling thanks to her inhuman behaviour, I watch the raven-haired woman leave. I hold my wrist, my pulse too rapid to be healthy beneath my thumb.

Like I am at death’s door.

The next morning, there’s an article in the newspaper. A man’s been found dead at the edge of the bogs near town. The cause of his demise is unknown, but there are witness accounts who said they heard a high screech late the night before. In the days that follow, their names show up one by one in funerary advertisements.

A week later, none of the witnesses are alive. Moreover, nobody has heard the screeching since, though everyone remembers the description of the sound.

It was like the howl of a banshee.

[flo-nelja]

Finished webcomics

I realized that I love to binge read finished webcomics until the end. Unfortunately, it’s hard to get recced finished webcomics, because once it’s finished, people talk less about them! And I never know if it’s because it’s finished, because it has been abandoned, or because it’s disappointing.

So I will rec finished webcomics/webtoons that I loved until the end, and I’d like to be recced more finished webcomics! (I’m taking webtoons too! I just don’t know them well)

* Digger (Ursula Vernon)

A big omnibus or six small volumes.

It’s about a practical-minded wombat who digs too far and gets lost in a magic warp. Far away from her country, she must manages the local creatures and gods, and even if she really wants to go back home, she’s also a good person who wants to help.

I really love the art, the characters, the story, the humor, the vision of gods and religion. 

~~~

* O Human Star (Blue Delliquanti)

Three volumes in paper.

Near future, artificial intelligence works; a bit part of its success is due to the work of Alastair Sterling, who died prematurely.

But Alastair wakes up in a robot body and all his memories. He finds his former partner Brenda, who raises a robot daughter. It’s hard to find your own identity when you’re a robot and you’re dead. Not that it had always been easy before.

I love all of the story: the sci-fi slice of life, the queer self-discovery, the mystery about why Alastair is back, the flashbacks about the creation of artificial intelligence.

 ~~~

* Lady of the Shard (gigi d.g.)

It’s a short story, really. 26 long pages, maybe one hour of reading.

It’s fantasy in space. An acolyte has a crush on the goddess she serves and it only gets worse when the goddess appears in the flesh. But it’s also the beginning of cosmic reveals about how the world as they know it was created, about how it might end.

I love the all-girls love polygon (warning for some creepy content though, you know how gods can be) , I love the mix of science-fiction and fantasy, I love how naturally slice of life turns into epic, and the author is good with the limited color palette.

~~~

* Chester 5000 XYV (Jess Fink)

Two volumes in paper.

Porny webcomics! A mad scientist can’t keep up with his wife’s high sex drive. He builds her a robot sex toy, who is so lovable than soon the wife likes him better than her absent husband... I love the cute, explicit, fun, very consensual porn with robots. But I didn’t get very involved before the second volume, where the mad scientist gets his own backstory. 

~~~

* Here be voodoo (Valériane Duvivier)

Three volumes in paper.

One little girl swears revenge on the sorcerer who killed her whole family. For this, she will build a voodoo doll to help her, and also meet a cat, a scarecrow, and learn a lot of things about herself.

I love the worldbuilding, with a lot of research on tradictional voodoo and still a lot of imagination to embroider on it. I love Sunday’s strength, her determination, and her moral ambiguity, while still being a believable child. 

~~~

* Lost nightmare (Julia K.)

8 chapters - not a long story

Lost Nightmare is a story about a kid who’s raised to be the next bogieman, and his ambiguity about dreams and nightmares, and his relationship to the other denizens of the dreamworld.

I love the art a lot, and the main character’s personality, and the themes!

~~~

* A redtail's dream (Minna Sundberg)

One big volume in paper. 

A young fox spirit made a big mistakes. To fix it, he hires a human and his dog, who won’t be happy to have to travel in the world of dreams and myths just to fix a problem that’s not theirs (they will do it anyway)

I adore the art, and the use of Finnish myth. It’s a very beautiful story. 

~~~

* Nimona (Noelle Stevenson)

One medium-sized volume in paper. 

I hesitated to rec it, because everyone already knows it? But after all, my first complaint was about finished webcomics not getting as much love as when they were running, and it’s true even for this one.

Ballister is a mad scientist in a fantasy universe. One day, Nimona, a shapeshifter teen who’s a big fan of him, asks to be his sidekick. Together they will fight the government.

It’s so cute and funny and the relationship between the two main characters is adorable, before it gets plotty and complicated. Also, Ballister, as a good mad scientist who loves his tropes, has something going with a knight on the other side. 

[marimopeace]

d. gray-man still fucks me up...

in the best of ways, even after all these years plus breaks on my end as a fan and hoshino's circumstances.

loved all things gothic and fantasy in middle school to escape my life via power-wielding teens (i.e. 07-ghost, pandora hearts, soul eater, karneval, hakkenden, etc.) and d.gray-man was huge for me since i was still in a phase where i was binging all the long anime series i could since it gave my attn span something to latch onto and be immersed in for a good amount of time. tbh i can't tell if my attn span has gotten even shorter considering i usually substitute streaming social media videos over tv nowadays or better since i'm able to better sustain interests in specific niche things?

i switched to consuming content on a more seasonal basis in high school but i became more of a manga reader so at the time i was still on the nose for the rare new d.gray-man chapter. i was so excited for when hallow was announced! i think the hallow promo visuals + posters were some of the last things i shared on my old tumblr blog actually lmao. didn't love hallow as a show but i loved it for what it brought back to me in terms of bringing hoshino's drawings to life via sound + color and seeing ppl turn into fans via gifs in comment sections. that's part of the reason why the furuba reboot meant a lot to me too tbh! always so nice when you can see new and old fans come together to show artists the love they deserve <3

took a break from d.gray-man specifically since the searching for a.w. arc was just a lot for me to take in chapter by chapter since it was hard to keep track of intricate plot details without needing to re-read some chapters for every release and that's not how i enjoy content personally. and i guess from there life just kind of ? came and went? college + growing up in general with new life obligations have changed the way i pursue entertainment aha.

i don't know what switched it on but i ended up spending this past weekend going through everything from scratch! i haven't sat down to marathon 100+ chapters/episodes of anything in a long time since i either keep up with shorter serials now or keep up with things on a monthly basis and wowwww the immersion hit different this time fr XD i swear i felt like a kid again!

but wow going through the entire manga + anime bit by bit from my new position in life really made me appreciate hoshino's storytelling a lot more; it's not so much that the plot of d.gray-man aged well, but that the whole series works together to tell one of the most cohesive stories i've seen for a fantasy shonen (esp with such a young protagonist--allen is the age of a high school sophomore!!!!!! a literal child!!!! someone be on his side kthxJohnny).

when i say i went through bit by bit i MEAN IT i fully had a list of episodes via wikipedia out and i was going through chapter arcs as they were recreated in the old anime series i went in completely XD god i'm crazy.

but it felt so sweet and so wonderful to dive into the adventure head-on.

i'm trying to do the same with the hallow sequel but reading/watching d.gray-man like this is really making me see how rushed it was ^^; it's taking more chapters to get to where each episode of hallow ends and i get why hoshino was so peeved with both shows now to be honest for the out of order details or skipping of content.

i'm also really resonating with hoshino's anger towards TMS for the hallow promo materials and i get why she went as far as to shoot their bank accounts in the foot bc the way i started tearing up during hallow episode 6 with talk of the lotus, flashbacks, and the hand reaching up to the sky....ㅠㅠ #bigoop

kanda shouldn't have been shoved into a yaoi narrative for the sake of money (nor allen esp considering his age) since it completely goes against his character arc and everything he is with alma. i'm getting so fucked up by their past lives' love story and their current again like when i say the tears i'm shedding come from something so old and deep inside of me ㅠㅠ (oh lorde it's so sad!!)

i had to pause my marathon since i spent my monday without wifi bc of a storm in my area and it'll prob be a while until i can finish re-reading/watching until the end of hallow. i'm excited to read new saying goodbye to a.w chapters though! i know it'll definitely be worth waiting these past few years <3 seeing allen's character growth as he matured as a "destroyer who saves" and how he grapples w mana's influence is fascinating and exploring the nitty-gritty of the morality that pervades the Black Order is just! ugh love this kind of worldbuilding with strong characters sm

planning this next content binge will be tricky though since i meant to catch up on the furuba reboot before it ends next week...welp i'll see how this goes ^^;

// time to get to writing this thesis marimo! //

[isuckatreadinglol]

Six of Crows Review

Alright, first book review on this blog...here we go: *spoiler warning, duh*

Book: Six of Crows Author: Leigh Bardugo

My Rating: 5/5

First off, this is the first YA fantasy I've ever read so I have no idea what I was expecting...and I fuckin loved it.

Second, I binge read this book in three days and it usually takes me a month to read anything ever so that's definitely saying something. I came for Kaz Brekker after watching Shadow & Bone on Netflix and stayed for the amazing plot, diverse and intricate characters, the incredible action and twists, and of course Kaz Brekker. The one thing that I loved was how fast paced this book went, and I genuinely could not stray far from the book because of how addicting it was. There was something in every chapter and you never got bored. The last part had taken the most time for me to complete because of how much action Leigh crammed in the last 60 pages, which made it a bit hard to follow along but it was still epic.

The Characters:

Kaz, Inej, Jesper, Wylan, Nina, Matthias

"“What’s the easiest way to steal a man’s wallet?” “Knife to the throat?” asked Inej. “Gun to the back?” said Jesper. “Poison in his cup?” suggested Nina. “You’re all horrible,” said Matthias."

The most diverse set of characters I have ever met. There were 6 characters, and the POV's were constantly changing and at some point, while I read someone else's chapter I was worried about the other characters and anticipating the next chapters. This was honestly an amazing decision to tell this story and I never got sick of the characters (except maybe Matthias, sorry).

Not only does Leigh do an excellent job portraying trauma in her characters (especially Kaz), she also keeps the character's as diverse as possible, from Nina being a plus sized character with badass confidence to Wylan overcoming his dyslexia and even Inej being a brown character. Every character had their own stories and the flashbacks/backstories were always a pleasure to read through.

Kaz Brekker is a stone cold, morally grey, manipulative, and terrible criminal which of course...makes him an even better protagonist. He definitely rocks the Hot Boy Who Is Mean To Everyone Except That One Chick Because Of His Tragic Backstory trope.

"There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong, and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken."

He is an anti-hero with his own plans and goals, while also caring so much about his crew that he would do anything for them. I'm very excited to see his character develop with Inej in Crooked Kingdom as well as his relationship with her because I am too obsessed with the two of them. I also enjoyed how Leigh allowed Kaz to fuck up and make mistakes, showing that he wasn't just some perfect character that knew everything about everything, and reading his inner dialogue when he realized his fuck-ups felt refreshing. His backstory was very well written and very tragic (we get it he's emo). It felt so personal knowing why he was they way he was when he sealed himself off from the world. He's also drippy as fuck.

Inej Ghafa just radiates bad bitch energy and when Kaz called her "dangerous" I screamed "DAMN RIGHT". Her mental drive was beautifully written during her chapters, especially while she climbed the incinerator.

"The heat of the incinerator wrapped around Inej like a living thing, a desert dragon in his den, hiding from the ice, waiting for her. She knew her body's limits and knew she had no more to give. She'd made a bad wager. It was as simple as that. The autumn leaf might cling to its branch, but it was already dead. The only question was when it would fall...

Should she jump now or simply wait for her body to give?

Inej felt wetness on her cheeks. Was she crying? Now? After everything she'd done and had done to her?"

Most importantly, she was a raw character who pushed herself throughout the book not just for herself but for the rest of the crew. She was selfless but she was also incredibly strong, driven by her future. Inej is the most inspiring character in the book and I have fallen in love with her more times than I could count. (lowkey carried the team imma be honest)

JESPER FAHEY Y'ALL. My queer sharpshooter king. I think I related to him the most and I loved every chapter with him. Though, I felt like Jesper was treated more as a side character than a main one, especially since he was stuck with Wylan for the entirety of the heist but BOY WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS A FABRIKATOR...I might have also screamed. He was definitely the comedic relief and he always kept me laughing at his little comments. Excited to see him and Wylan get together and also hoping for more of Jesper's character.

"Well, we’ve managed to get ourselves locked into the most secure prison in the world. We’re either geniuses or the dumbest sons of bitches to ever breathe air."

“If any of you survive, make sure I have an open casket. The world deserves a few more moments with this face.”

Nina Zenik...bro. She is so powerful. The moment she took parem was *chefs kiss* and it was the most badass scene I had ever experienced. When I began reading her chapters I didn't really enjoy them but when the heist actually began her inner dialogue won me over completely. When she was with Jarl Brum I could not stop laughing at the things she was saying in her head, and even when things were intense she always had something to say which made her character come to life. Her personality is hilarious, and sarcastic and she's also so HOT like my gay ass was swooning. She is who I aspire to be, that is all.

Matthias Helvar. Personally, I didn't really like his character so much because of how stubborn and he was (and how many times I wanted to punch his stupid ass), however he was still a pretty cool character with some good moments in there. He demonstrated religious corruption well, and he definitely faced a lot of inner conflict due to the pressure of what he was taught when he was younger. His POVs were a little boring but I loved it when he called Kaz a demjin.

Wylan Van Eck was a super fun character to have around. I definitely enjoyed watching his character grow as he spent more time with the Dregs. I didn't love him as much as the big three (Kaz, Jesper, Inej) and don't have much to say on him except that I admired his strength throughout the last part, especially when confronting his father after hearing all the horrible things he said about his own son. Jesper defending him made me melt big time.

"He's smarter than most of us put together, and he deserves a better father than you."

I literally could not have asked for such a creative group of characters and to see them work together makes me feel like I'm part of a big, criminal family.

The Ships

The ships were a fun addition to the story and the best part was that they never overstepped the actual objective of the plot but rather worked with it to enhance the connections between each character.

Kaz and Inej: Let me just cry for a second.

"She'd laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and gotten drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him."

"I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all."

"I'm going to get my money, Kaz vowed. And I'm going to get my girl."

This one hurt me. I am in love with these two and their relationship with each other makes it so much better. They are not meant to be together yet they are connected in so many ways. I did not think I would fall in love so easy, but here I am.

Matthias and Nina: I was not convinced by these two, especially with how weird their relationship was. They constantly seemed like they hated each other (valid) and some of their romantic scenes felt forced. In the end, I enjoyed seeing Nina grow on Matthias to wake his stubborn ass up. I swear that man refused to have feelings. Anyway, I still have mixed feelings on these two.

Wylan and Jesper: They are so cute. Like insanely cute. Like even I was blushing during their cute scenes. Their relationship isn't as developed yet so I am excited to see them in Crooked Kingdom.

Final Thoughts:

Representation? Check

Map? Check

Two maps?!? Fuck yeah

Amazing plot and worldbuilding? Check

Hilarious banter? Mhm

Great writing? Check

Well- written characters? 100%

Overall, this story will forever be my comfort book and I was impressed by the YA fantasy side of literature. It's hard to believe yet comforting that these characters are my age, makes me feel powerful. I loved every bit of this book and now I kinda wanna grab some friends and pull a heist.

[cyncity2000]

heartbreakordeath's (unnecessarily long) Bastille Fic Masterlist

Hello! I decided to make a comprehensive (probably too comprehensive lol) list of all the bas fic I’ve posted to my ao3. I figured because some of them lack context due to inside jokes, etc, that it might be a fun way to waste some time and yell about my writing some more 🤪

Long post so everything is below the cut :)

Dan/Kyle

Series: wwcomms, soundtracked by hdyfn?

note: It’s hard to explain unless you’re familiar with the AU, so feel free to dm me for extra info if you’d like to get into it but are confused by the concept :)

1. every word i'm screaming is another going unreceived

The first in my WWCOMMS series! Inspired by “Bad Dreams” by Joywave. Introduces the universe of WWCOMMS and most of the characters involved.

Words: 3590, Oneshot, Status: Complete

Rating: T for swears & dark themes

Warnings: N/A

2. next to somebody new (don't wanna ever wake up)

The second installment in my WWCOMMS series, inspired by “Somebody New” by Joywave. Picks up right where the first left off, focusing less on the worldbuilding and more on Kyle’s Retuning and his complicated relationship with Dan.

Words: 3427, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: T for swears & dark themes

Warnings: N/A

3. now that the deed is done

Third installment in my WWCOMMS series, inspired by “Now” by Joywave. Bit of a time skip from the last fic, with a bit more of the canon-typical action & violence i’ve seen in most fics in this ‘verse! This one’s a bit more complicated so hopefully it’s easy enough to follow. Apologies for the cliffhanger 🤪 I promise I know where it’s going but not sure when I’ll be able to write it.

Words: 4214, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: T for swears, dark themes, and non-graphic violence

Warnings: TW: Blood

~~~

‘cause the devil’s got my arms

My attempt at a Bastille fic heavily inspired by Supernatural (aka Bastillenatural), which unfortunately has had me in a death grip for the past…4 years maybe? It’s based on the concept of the “demon deal” from spn, where a character trades their soul in exchange for whatever they desire. They have 10 years to live after they make the deal, and then the demon comes to kill them and drag their soul to hell <3 nice light stuff here. Inspired by the random thought I had: what if Bastille got so popular so quickly because they made a deal? It is a Very Strange mix of crack and angst. Gift for @goodlesson <3

Words: 3784, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: T for swears & dark themes

Warnings: very minor non-con moment in the 2nd section, also just like. demonic possession, dan facing his death, etc. i promise it isn’t as horrible as it sounds???

one more slide (and then we're back to real life)

the iconic (jkjk) magic tour bus fic! the summary has a link to the Distraction Tactics episode this was inspired by, but long story short, it’s a multi-chaptered fic based very loosely on Howl’s Moving Castle. Basically, the door to their tour bus is a magic portal. Dan finds out about this. Kyle also finds out about this. chaos ensues. Set vaguely in Wild World era. Unlike bastillenatural, it sounds like crack, but actually has a whole serious plot arc bc i do love some Drama every once in a while !

Words: 16274 (my doc is currently sitting at just above 30k words- roughly halfway done with this monster), Chaptered (posted: 13/?, written: 18/?), In Progress

Rating: T, this thing is pretty wholesome tbh

Warnings: N/A

Dan/Charlie

Series: like the world is watching

1. Like The World is Watching

My first ever bastille fic! This was written near the beginning of lockdown and took me less than a week to finish, which is the first and probably only time that has Ever happened to me with a fic. It’s the first Big fic I’ve ever finished, really?? which is Crazy to think about. Anyways, it’s a canon-compliant story about Charlie joining the band, complete with lots of drama as he navigates his role as a touring member and tries to figure out what the fuck is going on between him and Dan. Spans the time between the Wild World and Doom Days eras.

Words: 13215, Chaptered (16/16), Complete

Rating: T

Warnings: N/A

2. fall into the night with you

Timestamp #1 for LTWIW. Takes place in 2017 after the events of the fic, written & posted literally a Day after I finished the og fic lol. Just some Very Soft fluff & minor drama related to Dan’s inability to work social media <3

Words: 440, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: G

Warnings: N/A

3. 'cause even there in a room full of faces (all I saw was you and I)

Timestamp #2 for LTWIW. Also takes place in 2017 after the events of LTWIW, either before or after the first timestamp, idfk. Just more shameless fluff bc WHY NOT. Charlie has a solo gig. Dan tags along :)

Words: 1291, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: G

Warnings: N/A

4. back into the easy days

Another timestamp written ages ago that I decided to finally stick on AO3. Just fills in a bit of the ending more since it felt a bit rushed when I wrote the original fic :)

Words: 1018, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: T

Warnings: N/A

~~~

Inescapable You

The first of MANY uni AUs!! In which Charlie is a uni student, and obsessed with that one random mysterious guy he sees everywhere on campus. Just a (hopefully) fun, humorous & cute lil story featuring Charlie & Dan as Complete Disasters (but what else is new!). Don’t think I specified a time in this one, but I imagined them how they both looked circa 2011ish.

Words: 2363, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: G

Warnings: N/A

so many frights I've known (it's hard to let them go)

A fun lil ficlet inspired by the Many photos of Dan and Charlie on amusement park rides together, and Charlie’s admission that he’s definitely held his friends’ hands on scary rides before :’)

Words: 650, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: G

Warnings: N/A

Series: in your warmth I forget how cold it can be

1. a different chord, but the same refrain

Affectionately known (by like, Only me) as ‘hoodie fic', this is one of my personal favorites :) just some idiots getting drunk on tour, sharing clothes, and figuring out some Feelings. Decent mix of angst and Softness (and i’m not just talkin about the hoodie).

Words: 4509, Chaptered (3/3), Complete

Rating: G

Warnings: N/A

2. easy to be, easy to breathe

Timestamp for “a different chord,” or an epilogue to the fic. Meant to be Soft and lighthearted, it’s a snapshot of their lives after they finally get their heads out of their asses <3

Words: 932, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: G

Warnings: N/A

~~~

there's a fire in your eyes, it's true...

A gift fic for a friend who has since deactivated her ao3, this is a lowkey-abandoned WIP that I still hope to finish someday because I was actually a big fan of the concept :(( features Uber driver!Dan, a bit of a coffee shop and also uni AU, and a very sleepy & probably drunk Charlie who ends up in the backseat of an attractive stranger’s Uber. As usual, chaos ensues (or it would, if I ever finished this).

Words: 1882, Chaptered (1/?), In Progress

Rating: T

Warnings: N/A

life in stop motion

Not gonna lie, this is another one of my favorites! I think it could’ve done with some changes, but I think it’s the fic I’m the most proud of :’) it’s an Immortal!Dan and Immortal! Ralph AU- they’re not vampires but more like…ancient gods who have, over the centuries, lost/forgotten their old power and slowly became more adjusted to life among humans. They decide in this story to spend some time at uni, making this Also a uni AU (can you tell I love those?) featuring clueless mortal uni student!Charlie.

Words: 4413, Oneshot, Complete (but always open to a sequel at some point)

Rating: T

Warnings: N/A

say something (it's only a matter of time)

Another gift fic I wrote with the friend who has since deactivated- you can probably tell which parts are hers because they’re AMAZING <3333 I’d say the majority is her work, so if it seems very different from my other fics that’s why :) yet another uni AU, featuring some parts from Luna’s POV (yes, the dog,,, trust me on this okay) and the two of them being complete idiots as per usual. Sort of written backwards, if that makes sense? It begins at the end!

Words: 2229, Chaptered (1/?), In Progress/Abandoned

Rating: T

Warnings: N/A

when it ends, don't wanna let you know

Another of my favorites!! just some shameless fluff inspired by Dan & Charlie’s iconic ~smiley stage shenanigans~ (very aptly coined by @goodlesson) during “Of the Night” in the Doom Days era. Pre-slash. Disclaimer: I unfortunately am not actually a Harry Styles fan, I just stole his lyrics for the gift fic bc its recipient @moonbeanm is a fan :p

Words: 1437, Oneshot, Complete

Rating: G

Warnings: N/A

so i want to fall into your web

Bad news: this one’s abandoned :( it was a joint effort by me and two lovely friends, inspired by this video (because let’s be real, does the beginning not look exactly like a Youtuber’s video intro??)

Good news: we basically manifested Youtuber!Charlie, because with his Patreon updates he’s basically a vlogger now and i’m SO here for it <333 we made this a uni au (shocker!) that takes place in 2009, where Charlie is attempting to make it as a Youtuber and happens to attract the attention of a certain fan: a fellow uni student named (gasp) Dan Smith.

Words: 4236, Chaptered (3/?), In Progress/Abandoned

Rating: T

Warnings: N/A

i said maybe...

a gift fic for written_you_down that was meant to be for last year! i got inspired again after mtv unplugged and decided to come back to this! it's kind of a 5+1 format, with snapshots of moments throughout dan & charlie's lives where they wanted to give up on their dreams of making it as a musician. there's a bit of a twist at the end that i'm Very excited for 👀 and yes. i titled it after wonderwall.

Words: 8907, Chaptered (5/7), In Progress

Rating: G

Warnings: N/A

all your colours start to burn

welp. what can i say about this one. basically just further proof i can't write pwp fics without making them a million words long. based loosely around the summer 2021 festivals & dan and charlie's wygd shenanigans (remember when we thought THAT was a big deal ??? we had nooo idea what the uk tour was gonna bring) and is the first E rated fic i've written fully by myself so yay?

Words: 3817, Oneshot, Completed

Rating: E

Warnings: N/A

tell me you're a book that I misread

another pwp except it's kinda dark and angsty this time and it's basically just enemies AND lovers.

Words: 3,244, Oneshot, Completed

Rating: E

Warnings: mildly dubious consent that honestly has more to do with a power imbalance than anything

wonder if your therapist knows everything about me

dan keeps disappearing, and charlie's the only one who notices. not as angsty as it sounds, more hurt/comfort & fluff and the beginnings of what could be more than friendship.

Words: 1272, Oneshot, Completed

Rating: T

Warnings: N/A

feel like.

my attempt at some sort of indie tour store fic (we're ignoring the fact that it was ages ago at this point). like i said in the ao3 tags, this shit just writes itself, man.

Words: 1630, Chaptered (2/?), In Progress

Rating: G

Warnings: N/A

Misc. (gen fics & other pairings)

we’ll be good in another life

Angst-fest inspired by “Another Place”- a series of alternate timelines. Features a mix of Dan/Charlie and Dan/Kyle depending on the version; there’s 7 in total! Even though it was written way before the show came out, it’s kinda my version of the Marvel show What if…? where every section answers a different question. My questions range anywhere from what if Charlie never joined Bastille? to what if Wild World was never finished?

Words: 3603, Oneshot, Completed (though a sequel at some point is Very likely 👀)

Pairings: Dan/Charlie, Dan/Kyle

Rating: T

Warnings: N/A

'til the morning breaks

The obligatory Doom Days-inspired “end of the world” fic. It’s my fictionalized interpretation of the album’s story arc, I suppose? Stuffed with all the lyrical references I could manage, of course (if it’s not clear, the bit with Dan & two people implied to be Doing Things is inspired by the album cover bc why not). Not the most original of my work, but it was really interesting to write :) prettyyyy sure it’s Not what Dan had in mind while writing the album, though, but who knows 😅

Words: 1517, Oneshot, Complete

Pairings: Dan/Original Characters

Rating: T for drug use i guess (ooo scandalous /j) and implied sexual content

Warnings: N/A

i've got you on a loop, i've got you in my head

Another gift fic for the wonderful @goodlesson ! This one was a fun venture into real rarepair territory, ever since I discovered yet Another perfectly-named ship tag of Peyt’s and decided I Had to write about them at least once. Takes place during Reorchestrated era (2018), when Kyle suddenly and unexpectedly gains the ability to hear Charlie’s thoughts. What chaos will ensue???

Words: 1516, Chaptered (1/2), In Progress (NOT abandoned, I love this fic, I’ll get back to it at some point I promise)

Pairing: Kyle/Charlie

Rating: T

Warnings: N/A

falling.

Now THIS is rarepair territory, friends. This fic is one of only nine in the whole ship tag, can you believe it?? there’s SO much childhood/best-friends-to-lovers potential here, guys, c’mon. I started writing this because I adored Ralph & Dan’s platonic relationship in Who the Fuck is Keith (aka the best bastille fic Ever written, change my mind <3) and felt the urge to emulate/imitate the sort of writing style/general cozy vibe of that fic. I’m not quite sure if I’ve managed that, but in general I’m really happy with it :) I know it’s a strange pairing, but if you’re curious, give it a chance! Actual summary: Dan and Ralph are uni students (yes, again) and old friends, sharing a flat for the school year. Both of them are still recovering from an event that shattered the peace of their lives five years ago. Incredibly domestic, soft, and angsty all in one.

Words: 10305, Chaptered (15/15), Complete

Pairing: Dan/Ralph

Rating: T

Warnings: mentioned in author’s notes to avoid spoilers

you felt right to me

i'm not really sure how to describe this one?? it's my first ever E rated fic (ooo scandalous) and involves past dan/kyle, current dan/charlie, and a kyle who is Very Much not jealous of charlie for taking dan away from him :))))))))

Words: 11475, Chaptered (5/?), In Progress

Pairing: Past Dan/Kyle, Current Dan/Charlie, and (spoilers) eventual Dan/Kyle/Charlie

Rating: E

Warnings: tagged on ao3

[this will be updated whenever i remember to update it]