#i swear everytime i hear a christian song from my dad's playlist i have to physically restrain myself from singing it

[moonshrewed]

my last supper...?

i distinctly remember my last day of being a christian, i was 15 and often not going to church anymore. the main house sermons were annoying and i was pretty much an angsty mental teen going through shit.

my christian mom had always told me that i had a choice in life of whether i wanted to go down that path of christianity or something new altogether. i was pretty lucky to have that kind of support cause i know theres others worse off than i had it. 

anyways, there was a point where i wanted to atleast try to be christian like her and i went one sunday morning to the youth group. ah yes, the youth group. full of angsty, masking teens who were trying to find their place in the world while dealing with their own crap shit at home. well it was at a point where the spread lgbtq was just barely starting to make me understand more about people and life, especially since i had a feeling that there was the big gay among us teens but closeted. but since i was taught from a young age that being gay will send you to hell, i never considered it for myself to be one.

so that sunday morning, in context the two youth pastors were really nice, like super open about stuff and how everyone felt. these two pastors were the reason why i’d want to go to church. there were two, a man and a woman. lets call the man Jason and the woman Julia. now jason wasn’t there that morning, and he was the one that everyone liked. we had games hosted by him, nights of ‘christian dares’ like doing those weird food challanges like banana and sprite or doing the telephone games, ping pong and i think someone swallow a live goldfish at some point too. anyways, jason wasn’t preaching that morning, so all we had was julia. julia was nice too, but she wasn’t as proactive like jason was but she seemed to have a good heart. well, seemed at the very least.

julia began her sunday preach and we were all listening, mind you i never had any friends there but my older sister was more apart of the group when she was home. julia began the prayer stuff and i think asked us to pull out our bibles. while i can’t fully recall what happened before or after the preach, what i do remember her saying was this

“As you know, god and the bible says that it’s a sin to be gay and that you’ll go to hell if you do.”

my mind went blank, and ultimately all the trust that i had in her disappeared as my memories and church trauma triggered every kid pastor that taught me that if you werent a christian then you’d go to hell, and how i would cry to my mom and dad about how the rest of our family, who most were very good people, would go to hell. though my mother often reassured me they wouldn’t, it still stuck with the emotions of it all. and Julia, that fucking bitch julia, all of my rage reminded me of why i don’t like christianity. i remember thinking, “How could she say that? any of the teens here could be gay and you just say that knowing us?? I could be gay!!” and while i didn’t truly know myself to, later on, realize myself as aegosexual, i do remember my hatred for julia, and after that i never went back to that church ever again.

anyways, just goes to show how much you think you know someone, but they just end up being all the same.