#i still wasn't able to finish reading the last chapter (school) but i know it'll make me wanna cry

[masterofiodine]

Chapters: 13/13 Fandom: Ghosts (TV 2019) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: The Captain/Lieutenant Havers (Ghosts TV 2019)

CAPVERS FANS READ THIS FIC!!! IT'S SO GOOD

[masterwords]

the silence drowns (part six)

Summary: Morgan interrupts Foyet in Hotch's apartment. Now Hotch is staying with Jessica and things are not good.

Warnings: stab wounds, vomit, pain, depression, anxiety, medication

Pairings: Hotch/Morgan

Words: 3.4k

Notes: We're still in some softer times. Dark but soft. Sorry for the lack of updates, I hit a fork in the road and took some time to decide where to take this...wrote a fuck ton of other things in the meantime, now back to finish out the last couple of chapters. Here we go!

Chapter List

Read on AO3: The Silence Drowns

**

Jessica had always been fascinated by her father's card tricks. Sleight of hand, now you see it now you don't. As a child she would sit in his store and watch him play with his cards in the back room for hours on slow days, at least until she was old enough to head down to her grandfather's barber shop and play with the shears. She wanted to know all the old folks tricks, unlike Haley who had her sights set on boys and theatre. You wouldn't catch Jessica at school one minute longer than she had to be.

She loved when they did it with cards, but with people it wasn't as appealing. Especially her people.

“What do you mean witness protection?” She scowled at her mother's feeble explanation that didn't hold much water. It felt flimsy. She was supposed to just believe that some serial killer let himself into Aaron's apartment and was able to get the best of him and that subsequently put Haley and Jack in danger? And what about Aaron, still in the hospital?

Oh, that too... "Before they took her, Haley wanted me to ask if he could stay with you. He won't ask, you know he won't dear but his apartment is a crime scene, you know, and it'll need to be fixed.”

She didn't know what any of that meant, it just kept getting worse. It was almost comical, the layers her mother was adding. “Stay with me? What am I supposed to do with him?” Instant regret. She heard her mother's sharp intake of breath, outraged that those words would come out of her daughter's mouth. “I'm sorry mom, that isn't what I meant. I have to work, I'm not a nurse...”

“They'll tell you everything you need to know at discharge, sweetheart. He doesn't need a nurse, he needs a friend.”

Her mother was over the top on the sweet and syrupy, a trick she knew meant her father was on the rampage. She always took it upon herself to try and even him out. “Isn't there anyone else?”

No, the answer was no. His team all had excuses and yeah, so they made sense and really, they were just colleagues anyway, they had no real obligations to him. Neither did she, of course, not really...she was his ex-wife's sister on paper, less than no obligation. But it really wasn't that simple, they were friends, he was her brother no "in law" about it. There wasn't much she wouldn't do for him but there was something that wasn't sitting right, something upsetting her as she mulled it over. It took her a minute to get there, to parse out what she was so bothered by and then it hit her. Where the hell was Derek? So, their relationship or whatever it they called it was new, yeah, but it wasn't like they hadn't known each other for years. She knew about them, of course she did, and he wasn't returning her calls.

“Haley tells me that he was there, too,” her mother continued, as if she wasn't deep inside the well of her mind turning over every little nightmare scenario that having Aaron living with her would turn up. “They might just need some time to work through things. It's temporary, honey, and your father and I will help as much as we can.”

Yeah, sure, she'd heard that before. When she was talked into taking in Haley and Jack during the divorce, they'd made their promises, but they rarely showed up to help with Jack while Haley hunted for jobs and homes. It was lucky for them all when Aaron came to terms with the fact that the divorce was really happening whether he liked it or not and caved, got himself a place and gave Haley the house. It wasn't that they were bad house guests but Jessica hadn't ever parented a toddler before and was suddenly thrown in up to her eyeballs. Her fridge was taken over, her spare bedroom, soon her entire house was plastic toys and tiny piles of laundry and string cheese and goldfish crackers. Then there was the problem of Haley and her secret lover, the one she'd had long before filing for divorce and Jessica really hated keeping secrets and that one was a doozy. She loved them dearly and was glad to see them go.

“Okay, okay. Fine. I'll talk to my boss.” The option to work from home had just opened up and as appealing as staying in her pajamas all day might have been, she'd turned it down because if she didn't leave her home for her job she might never leave at all. She enjoyed the solitude of living on her own, of being alone.

Waking up in the hospital day after day was starting to make him twitchy. That and his complete inability to move on his own, no matter how strong they said he was getting or how they fanned the flames of his ego. “You're looking healthier today,” his favorite nurse would say, but she said it in a voice that told him she was lying through her teeth. He hadn't eaten in days; they were pushing nutrients through his IV and threatening further intervention. It wasn't that he hadn't tried, it just never seemed to sit. It tasted good, that sip of grape juice (that he'd wished was cranberry, but grape had more sugar, and his blood sugar was dangerously low) was like sweet nectar against his tongue and he'd scrunched his nose and taken two more small sips thinking he was in the clear before it hit him. It always started with the cramping, a pain in his chest, and then he would be sick. Dry heaving, coughing, choking and crying, a vicious cycle he saved for only his favorite nurses.

“You look like shit,” Jessica announced, her purse clutched to her chest as she entered his room. It smelled awful, he'd just been sick, she could see it in the ashy pallor of his cheeks. The room smelled like bleach and something bilious and sour. “I guess I'm here to bust you out, roomie.”

He couldn't look at her, kept his cheek flat against the pillow, foggy eyes trained on the IV pole still sitting beside the bed. He'd been up, had taken a few timid steps on his own before the sick came. All he'd wanted was to make it to the window, to peer through the blinds at the cars on the street. "No one's watching you sweetie," one nurse told him when she opened the blinds all the way to let in some sun, but he'd begged her to shut them, keep them closed. Swore he'd seen Foyet in a lab coat wandering the halls but couldn't prove it of course so he kept that one quiet.

“You don't have to,” he started, and she let out a barking laugh, the kind that echoed through the quiet hospital. She covered her mouth, eyes wide, and relished the moment he startled and looked at her. The first time their eyes met.

“No, of course not, you're absolutely capable of doing it on your own. I forgot. How silly of me.”

“Not what I meant,” he whispered, but it was done. She'd already signed the papers, gone through the discharge instructions with two nurses and a doctor, had the wheelchair primed and ready. He was too easy to help out of the bed and get into the chair, didn't put up a fight just draped himself around her shoulders and let her maneuver him and fold him however she wanted. They'd already shared his drastic weight loss with her, but knowing and seeing were very different and god he was too easy to push down that hall and out into the parking lot, she couldn't get past it. He slumped over in the chair and played with the bandage around his hand where the IV catheter had been placed, it was sore and the bruising was deep, peeking out from beneath the bandages. He'd torn it out a number of times, they'd mentioned, and she couldn't even pretend to be surprised.

“You ready to use those legs?” she asked and he grumbled, placed his hands flat on the handles of the chair and pushed himself upward right along with her while the nurse held the chair in place. She held him there around the waist a minute, it was almost a hug, and he sagged against her. It was a brief moment of quiet before the nurse bid them farewell, taking the chair back toward the double doors. That was it, now she was taking him and they just let her walk out with a man freshly stabbed, foggy on pain medication and in need of around the clock care with nothing more than a few sheets of paper and some well wishes. They were relieved, she could see it in their eyes...yes, he was polite and he was sweet (for the most part) but the constant vigilance for a return visit by the serial killer was taking its toll on the hospital and they were glad to release him, make it someone else's problem.

Make it her problem. She'd thought about it for two days after her mother's phone call, while she discussed having him stay with her landlord (the last thing she needed was to be in violation of her lease and put them both out on the street, her landlord lived three doors down and kept his eye on every little thing in the building) and making sure that the building's security cameras were all functioning. She researched security systems, considered getting a dog, and tried endlessly to call Derek. Each message she left him was more and more aggravated, until she finally just called him a coward and hung up. Maybe not the right thing to do but she'd cross that bridge later.

She was on her own, and she watched the way he wilted against the window with his hands tucked in between his thighs, just staring listlessly at the scenery blur past them. He was still on the good stuff, the stuff they pumped right into his thirsty veins...soon he'd find that the pills would be hard to swallow, they wouldn't do the job as well or even at all, and they burned coming back up. She'd been warned about withdrawals, they'd kept his dosing low, but it could still get bad and not to panic, it would pass. That seemed to be the gist of most of it...don't panic, it'll pass. Ride it out.

Call if you need anything, but please don't call. You'll be fine.

“Home sweet home,” she said, holding the whole of his weight against her. Her arm wrapped uncomfortably around his waist, hand resting against the protrusion of his hip bones and the way his pants sagged too low told her that this whole not eating thing the doctors mentioned might have been going on a little longer than a week. “You want something to drink?”

She dropped her purse on the ground beside the door and got him to the couch, it took some effort to get him comfortable enough to leave for any length of time. He'd been lying in a bed for a week, barely propped up with pillows, no effort and no pull. His stomach muscles were shot, useless. She had no idea what he looked like under that t-shirt, but the bulging gauze and cotton pads worried her. He looked like a scraggly teddy bear with the last of its stuffing pouring out. Without waiting for an answer, she poured them each a glass of iced tea and handed one to him. He regarded it strangely, balancing it on the top of his thigh like the weight of it was too much, and made a sour face. “Not thirsty.”

“Like hell you aren't. Listen, I lived with your son for three months and I learned a few tricks mister. Three sips, that's an order, or you'll have pureed broccoli for dinner all week. I know how you feel about broccoli.”

He might not have been able to lift his glass for any length of time, and the tea definitely burned going down his raw throat at first, but he took his three sips and managed to keep them down. He even, mindlessly, caved and had a few more while she told him about her job and her boss and how she'd be working from home so he wouldn't be able to have any of his famous parties. He said no more than two or three words the entire time, but something about listening to her talk was soothing, he felt calmer than he had in a week. The iced tea, after a while, felt good as is slipped cool through him.

“Have you heard from Derek?” he asked in a quiet moment, blinking lazily. Too tired to stay upright and awake much longer, but he needed an answer, and everyone seemed to be avoiding it. He was going mad, fearing the worst. If no one knew then what if Foyet had gotten him? Tell him anything, that Derek wanted some space, that Derek was leaving the team and definitely leaving him, he could handle that but the thought of Foyet touching him...he couldn't bear it. She just scrunched her nose and shook her head.

“No, but I'm sure he'll turn up soon. Don't worry about it. If I saw what he saw I might disappear for a while too.” It was a lie, and she knew it, but the desperation in Aaron's eyes told her it was the right thing to say. No way she'd disappear like some card in her father's hand, up a sleeve, under the table, into the middle of the deck. The thing was, she didn't think Derek was the kind of guy who did that either.

“Listen, it's getting late I have work in the morning. You definitely need your beauty rest. You've let yourself go. What do you say we try to get some sleep and do this all again tomorrow?”

He stared owlishly at her, half-awake and already feeling the familiar knots of fear at the lengthening shadows that would very soon engulf the entire apartment. A home that he was wholly unfamiliar with. She got her apartment locked up, blinds closed and curtains drawn. For some reason she wanted to do it all right in front of him, make a show of locking windows and the door, leaving just a small amount of lights on so there was a clear path from the bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen. Her guest room was now her office, she'd had to make room for her things behind a door that locked which left she and Aaron bunking in the same bedroom, though she'd splurged on a good air mattress that she hoped wouldn't leave her on the carpet by morning.

That part, it turned out, didn't matter. Aaron never gave her the chance. He would never admit to needing anything, but every whimper or groan made her shoot upright, listening to see if he needed help. A slow trip to the bathroom, turning over onto one side and then the other, the pillow between his knees needed adjusting or the one supporting his chest was bunched up. She had to continually fix the blankets he somehow managed to get tangled in. It was never quiet.

Once he was comfortable, that was when the complaining started.

“This is your apartment,” he whispered into the thick black of the room just as her eyes had slipped shut. “You should be in your own bed.”

“Oh and what, you want to sleep on the air mattress?”

Silence. He knew very well that he couldn't get down and up like that, it was useless to try and argue even for him. He was barely lucid, exhausted and foggy but he fumbled with something to back up the feeling of guilt that ate at him knowing she was on the floor and he was in her bed. She'd been well prepared for that anyway, and wasn't having it. She gave him his medications on a timer, the whole pile of them, and helped him sip his water. Up and down all night was what she'd expected, had prepared herself for. She could try to sleep in two hour intervals, except she'd overlooked two things.

First, that she was scared too. There was a serial killer stalking him, and he'd managed his way into Aaron's apartment, taken him down. That was no easy feat. Aaron carried weapons, he locked all of his doors and looked over his shoulders, he was skilled in ways Jessica couldn't imagine, and it stood to reason that he would be well aware of Aaron's movements since leaving the hospital. Had probably followed them here. He knew who Haley and Jack were, but what about her? Nothing she could do for it now; she'd agreed to let him stay and she would have to take her chances. He was worth the risk.

The second thing she overlooked was the crying. None of the doctors or nurses had prepared her for it. How what he'd been through would peek through at strange times, mostly she would find in the middle of the night when he was exhausted and pushing against the medications that were attempting to force him into sleep. In the dark she could hear him stifling small shuddering breaths. It wasn't entirely unlike him, for all his tough guy scowls she'd always known him to be a cry baby. He couldn't watch Old Yeller without making an excuse to leave at the end, and you could forget about him even sitting through A Night to Remember. She'd always known how easy his tears fell, it was something endearing and sweet about him, but this was different and unsettling. She could withstand a lot, was pretty damn tough, but she couldn't fall asleep with that going on, so it was up and into the bed beside him in a final huff of resignation. Maybe it was all a game he was playing, some way to ensure she didn't get any use out of her very expensive air mattress, but there wasn't any way around it. She curled beneath the blankets beside him like kids at sleepaway camp in a scary, creaky old cabin scared of the night creatures. She was afraid to touch him, but she pushed in as close as she could and rested her head on the pillow beside him, her nose so close to his ear.

“You want to tell me what's keeping you up?”

He stared through the inky black up at the ceiling, blinked sleepy and slow. In the silvery moonlight his profile was sharp, all harsh lines as he lay rigid beside her. His chest barely moved with each shallow breath. Something buzzed in her head: pneumonia, he needs to breathe deep, or he'll end up with pneumonia. She didn't think she needed to bother him this one night, though, he was already in tears and that was sure to make it worse. It sounded like a problem for tomorrow. “No.”

“Okay. Will you tell me?”

That was a different question, and one she thought she'd have more luck with. Sometimes it was all in how you phrased things with him, always a lawyer, always seeking a loophole. She'd learned. A small sigh escaped his barely parted lips.

“Where is Derek?” His voice was chilled, hoarse, and he choked on a sob before it ripped through his aching chest. It would split him open; he knew it. She touched him then, put her hand on his cheek, fingertips drifting back into his hair. It was slick, maybe sweat, maybe just that it hadn't been washed in a week. He was still unable to take showers, another problem for tomorrow. She felt safe there, with her fingers trailing back into his messy hair. There was nothing to hurt, no bandages to disrupt or stitches and staples to accidentally catch or pull.

“I'll find him. After work tomorrow, okay?” I'll hunt him down, that's what she meant.

She closed her eyes and kept rubbing gently at his temple until they both nearly fell asleep. Whatever sleep they did get was thin, wispy, fraught with timers going off for medications and sips of water and more tears that came with no questions and no explanation.

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[sturkillerbase]

Tag Game

Thank you so much for the tag @scorpio-marionette and @misspearly1

Which one of your fics would you enjoy the most if you were able to read it for the first time?

I actually went back to reread my fics before answering these. I've written several imagines, that's how I started, and only later started writing actual fics. I would really like to have the chance to read Ancient Tales for the first time. I invested so much in it, I researched a lot, I added a bit that was inspired by my grandfather, even though I didn't get to meet him. I was so happy about it! But the first chapter only got 26 notes. And the second only 12, all likes... It was my second year in uni, and I had loads of work to do. So that combined with no feedback made me leave it behind. There are things I would've done better if I were to write it today, but it's still a good work. Sad thing I don't remember entirely the whole story to continue it...

Which fic are you most proud of? Why?

I am very proud of It's All Coming Back to Me in Waves. I'm finally good enough in English to have very little misspellings. I'm more mature, so my writing is infinitely better than when I started; I started writing it with the whole story already in my head, so as it goes I only fix something here and there and then add or take away something. I've been on a down side for the past few weeks that blocks me enough to be unable to write, thus delaying the whole thing from being finished. But I finally feel better and I'll be able to catch up soon!

Is their a work you would like to do over again? For any reason, to perfect it, to relive writing it, ect.

As I mentioned before, it was fun to write Ancient Tales. I'd like to do it again both so I could remember what was the ending I had planned for it and to make it better, give it a better flow. My oldest fics are Memories and Broken. They're poorly written - I was just a dumb teenager - my english wasn't so fluent and I didn't even had someone to ask to be my beta. I think they were great ideas, just badly developed. Both were also abandoned after getting absolutely no feedback :/

How do you feel about comments/reblogs/likes?

I absolutely love them, specially reblogs and comments. I wish I got more. I wouldn't have so many unfinished works if I had at least a few people back then to support me. Thankfully, things are better in this new fanfic era of mine, and although I'm no super famous blog, the readers who stick with me are so kind and supportive! Entering the Pedro Pascal fandom has been one of the greatest experiences I've ever had!

Is there a fic that you were shocked to find other people liked? Why?

Years later abandoning Ancient Tales, I got a comment on Ao3 wondering where were the missing chapters and complimenting me for my research on history. I was so shocked!

Is there a fic you wish more people had liked?

ANCIENT TALES!!!

Also Promises Under the Moon got little to no attention. I had bigger hopes for it :( Apparently people are only interested in Dieter Bravo fics if it involves smut.

Is there an idea that you were excited about but just didn't pan out?

Ok, mix of story time and idea explanation here: I once had the chance to dance with my school crush. He was THE crush. I remember that day so dearly. It was so unexpected and sweet and I was shaking all over once the song ended and I went back home smiling to myself like an idiot. It inspired me to write the same scenario for Bucky, except the fic would have a happier ending where the reader would actually start dating him, unlike real life me. I never forgot it though, but I don't know if I'll ever write it.

How do you feel when you post a new fic?

A bit anxious. I always post it before going to sleep so I won't be checking my notifs every 2 minutes. But I'm always hopeful that it'll have better feedback than the last one. It rarely has though...

Thank you for tagging me again! I love answering questions and these were really interesting!

NP tags: @sakkajagga @thegreenkid @supernaturalgirl20 @mandoblowmybackout @ezrasbirdie and anyone else who'd like to join! (also sorry if you've already been tagged, but do tag me to see the answers, I'm loving to read these!)

[tardytothepardy]

Fruits Basket - Vol 23

It's the final banquet babyyyy

(i hate how blurry that picture is but my camera just wouldn't fucking focus)(also yeah i colored in the speech bubbles, they were kinda confusing without context and didn't have anything to do with this specific frame)

So everyone's gathered in the main Sohma house, and no one really knows what's going on. They have no idea what to expect. Hiro notes that the grown-ups are "the ones who can't sit still today". Some miscellaneous stuff happens but I'm not sure if it's worth talking about? After the miscellaneous stuff, it is announced that Akito is ready for everyone to see, and out she steps in a kimono (I bet it's red; she'd look great in red, I think) and asks where Shigure is, because he apparently dipped out. Ritsu is in complete awe, does Akito partake in the same hobby he does? No, Ritsu, this is who she is.

There's a brief flashback to the previous book, where Shigure gave her something, and said "I guess you could call it a farewell present." Akito did not take kindly to that at all, and lashed out, accusing him of being the first to abandon her. He asks where she got that idea, he meant that she's finally becoming her own person, rather than the person her father wanted her to be, and his gift was something to commemorate that. Welcome in the new Akito, and all that.

Back to the present, Akito explains that the rest of the Juunishi were able to become their true selves, beyond the curse, and so she decided to as well. She tries to apologize, but she can't-- she knows that won't make up for anything that she did, at all.

It goes back to that memory with Shigure (this chapter is just a series of flashbacks and flashpresents) and he teases her, saying that he didn't know he was so important to her, and Akito insists that wasn't the case, that he was the one that she was most afraid of, the one that strayed the furtherest from her, bond or not. He says he had to keep his cool, be nonchalant, because otherwise he'd explode (ka-blooey). He says that he's childish, and doesn't like getting hurt, he hates losing, and he can't stand sharing things. This causes Akito to basically go Ó///Ò in realization, and he confirms that realization (the realization being that he likes her as well, in case you didn't catch it. It kinda took me a second on first reading, and I'm not exactly explaining this the best), and says that if Akito wants to reject him, now's the time, that if she comes to him again, it'll become a Thing. They'll become a Thing.

Back to the meeting, Akito says that she still wants to live with the Sohma family, because there are still things she feels she needs to do. She still is, at the end of the day, the head of the family, it's her duty (probably). She plans on talking to Ren, which I imagine will go well. After the meeting (I think, I don't think it's before, though timey wimey stuff is difficult), Akito is with Shigure, and he's asking if she wants him to stay at the main Sohma house, and she asks if he's angry about it. The vibe I get from him is "yesn't", honestly, but hey if they're happy, I guess it's fine.

Next chapter!

So there are two exposition characters (I'm sorry but that's really all they are) at school, and one of them sees Kyo. She gets excited, maybe she can go talk to him, and the other thinks he's waiting for Tohru, his girlfriend, to finish up with her tests. The first girl goes, "Whaaa?? When did that happen??", and the second says that it happened shortly after Tohru came back from the hospital. The first girl's hopes and dreams are apparently destroyed, I guess she liked Kyo.

It pans back to Tohru, now finished with her test, and the teacher, Mayu, wishing her a good summer vacation, it'll be her last. She also asks if something happened in the Sohma family, because a certain He seemed a little happier when she saw him yesterday. Tohru took "he" to mean Kyo and Yuki, and was basically like "yeah I guess so". Mayu played it off, yeah yeah those two that's definitely who she meant yeah totally see you next school term byeeee.

At the house (Shigure's house), Kyo, Yuki, and Tohru are talking about the meeting, and how it felt like it came out of nowhere. They were surprised that Tohru already knew about Akito, but she had to pretend she didn't for Akito's privacy (you don't just out people, that's rude). She asks if it was that much of a shock, and Yuki says he's mostly dumbfounded, though there has been a lot going on lately, a lot to think about. Kyo says he feels weird about it, simply because now he knows he's been violent with a woman all this time, but also says something about if Akito was a man, Kyo would be in trouble if there was another guy who liked Tohru. I'm not really sure where he got that idea, but Yuki thought it was pretty funny. It made Tohru realize that the air between Kyo and Yuki had cooled off significantly, and they seemed to be more at ease with each other than they ever had before (i mean in the beginning yuki would sneeze and kyo would be like "and i took that personally", so yeah they've changed a lot). She asked Kyo what had caused that change, and he told her that Yuki beat the crap out of him, and knocked some screws loose, but it was okay. They needed to be loosened.

Later, it seems that Kyo and Tohru went to Kazuma's house, where Kazuma said "I have no regrets. At this point, I'm prepared for death at any time.", because he's happy, y'know? But Tohru and (that other guy whose name completely escapes me wtf) protest at that, saying that you can't say things like that, it's not true! The other whispers to Kazuma that he can't die yet, because when they get married and have kids, he'll be a grandparent, which he seems to like the idea of. He tells Tohru that he eagerly awaits that time, but since Tohru didn't overhear it, she just awkwardly agrees that she also can't wait. (Kyo kinda caught on though)

Izusu comes in, says, "This is stupid, by the way", then walks out before anyone can respond. Tohru follows after her, and Kyo asks what Izusu was saying. Kazuma says that a lot has happened recently, and not everyone is going through the same thing.

Going with Tohru, she finds Izusu in another room, saying that she doesn't get it, how can he (Kyo, presumably) act like nothing's wrong, after all that's happened, and how Tohru can do the same, after she got so hurt?! Those kinds of hurt don't go away easily. Izusu continues, and says that if she had to choose to forgive Akito or not, she wouldn't, because she can't. She doesn't want Akito to apologize, and she can't help but feel like she's doing something wrong, because she can't make herself accept everything and move on. Tohru reassures her that there's nothing wrong with her, she didn't do anything wrong. Izusu wonders if her demeanor will turn Haru away, if it will disappoint him. Tohru says that there's no way that Haru could hate her.

The scene changes to Akito, who is talking to that one old lady who pops up every now and then, but I've never seen her name, who says that Akito went to see Ren again, but heard that she wasn't able to really talk to her. She says it would be faster to chase her out of the house, but it's also possible that Akito complicated things by staying at the house. She continues, saying how it must be nice being young, and being able to change your life so easily. She notes that she was born with the Sohma family, and raised with them, and has lived at the house for sixty years, she couldn't change her life now. Akito says that no one can change every thing, and no one would be asking her to. Maybe all she needs is a helping hand. In the end, the maid simply walks away, but y'know, not everyone wants to change, or feels like they can, it's fine.

In the next chapter, it seems like it's the date with Tohru and Kyo that Uotani and Hanajima decided to tag along with. Kyo is thinking back to that moment when he tore off his bracelet, and how afterward, Tohru picked up all the beads. She put them in a little bowl in her room, next to the picture of her mom. In the moment, he could only watch as she did it, and in all honesty he wouldn't have minded if she had tossed them into a fire, but it also occurred to him that he might regret not having them. As he watched Tohru pick up the beads, he thought of it like she was "protecting both the me of now and the me of the future". Alternatively, and this one is a bit spoopy, she was gathering the memories of the people over the (many, many, many) years that had worn that bracelet. Either way, he realized that loving someone isn't just about loving the person as they currently are, but as they were, and as they will be.

That's what he thinks anyway.

I mentioned the date but I didn't talk about it at all. They went to a zoo, Uotani got excited about seeing elephants, and they went to a place with cats, and the cats did not care either way about Kyo. It was neat. By the end of the day, Tohru went off to use the bathroom, leaving Kyo with Hanajima and Uotani. This is when Hanajima asks Kyo if he's going to take Tohru away with him. She knew the time would come, eventually, when she, Uotani, and Tohru, would part ways, but it still hurts to think about. Uotani says that, despite how they might act, they do like Kyo, even if they think he's a bit of a dumbass (Uotani's words, btw), and it's because they both think he's a good guy. He just has to take care of Tohru, because she's like family to them, so he'd best not fuck up.

When Tohru comes back, Kyo says there's a place that he wants to take Tohru before going home. Can we go see what Yuki's up to first? Okay yeah we're going to do that now, we'll get back to Tohru and Kyo, don't worry.

So Yuki's at Kakeru's place, and it seems that they're talking about their college plans. Apparently Yuki's going to a college pretty far away from where they're currently at, but if they have subjects that he's interested in, it's fine. (I don't think it's ever said what exactly those subjects are. Like, what's his major? Do I really care? Eh. But it's still nice to know. Same thing for Kakeru, what is he doing?) When Yuki says he'll be living on his own, Kakeru asks if he can manage, he doesn't want to go for a visit and see an emaciated Yuki (living on like,, partially-cooked instant ramen noodles, and several scattered half-empty water bottles in a nest of laundry and schoolwork). Yuki is more optimistic, saying he's going to learn by doing (so that means those cups of instant ramen will be completely cooked). Apparently he told Machi about it and she's fine with it, though she would not be fine if she heard Kakeru saying that anyone is "climbing the stairway to adulthood" which honestly I wouldn't be fine with that either, that just sounds stupid.

Komaki asks how Yuki's going to get the money to live somewhere, and Yuki says that he considered asking his parents, but in the end he asked Ayame to help. Ayame was overjoyed to help, and went nuts to find a place that would suit Yuki's needs (Or be the foundation of his "empire", as he phrased it).

When asked about college, Kakeru said he'd go, not because he really wants to, but mostly because people keep telling him to. He was planning on taking over Komaki's family business (they run a laundry service), but he supposes he'll go anyway.

Later, Machi shows up with a package of meat, which Komaki was very excited about. Kakeru trotted out his "stairway to adulthood" line on Machi, and Machi punched him in the face along with the meat, she somehow balanced the meat on her fist to smash into Kakeru's face, much to Komaki's distress (over the meat, not Kakeru).

Anyway, let's go back to Tohru and Kyo.

Kyo took Tohru to the graveyard, and they're standing at the Honda's family tombstone(memorial? thingie? idk), and he says that after he graduates, he wants to leave, because he's spent his whole life up until pretty recently avoiding life, and not letting himself get involved in things. But now that he's a normal person, he wants to live in the world as a normal person, with Tohru, and because of all of this, he wants to go outside of this place that he's been his whole life. Tohru asks where he's planning to go, and he says that Kazuma knows someone with a dojo, but it's really far from where they presently live. He says he's planning on going there first, attending the dojo while he works, and then one day, he'll inherit Kazuma's dojo, using the experience from the first dojo. He hesitates on asking Tohru to break away from everything and everyone she's known to go off with him, but Tohru agrees, and says she wants to go with him, as soon as possible.

There is one thing that Tohru wants to tell Kyo, and it's that she's sure that her mom never hated him. Even if she did say that she would never forgive him, Tohru is confident that she didn't say it out of hate, she knows it. She will go along with Kyo, even if it hurts to leave everyone else, because it would hurt her more to be apart from him (🥺). To end this section, Kyo says that he'll keep the promise he made to Kyoko about Tohru, all that while back, and he'll keep it for his whole life.

(don't mind me i'm just screeching and wheezing simultaneously this shit is too much i'm gonna die)

Onto the next section, it actually has to do with Kyoko and Katsuya. Mostly Kyoko, and her last thoughts before she died. At first, it was weird. What's going on? She can't hear anything, she doesn't even really hurt. Why is it so dark? Oh crap, Tohru! She can't leave yet, she doesn't want to leave Tohru alone, she only just got into high school. She hopes that she loved her enough, and that Tohru knew that, though she wished she could have had more time to love Tohru. She finally understands, though, that leaving people behind and being left behind, they're both so hard. She hopes that someone can be there for Tohru, to protect her, stay with her as she cries.

She then sees Kyo, and recognizes him as the little orange-haired kiddo she used to talk to sometimes, and hopes that even if he forgets about her, that the next time Tohru gets lost, Kyoko wants him to find her, even just once. If he doesn't do that, she'll never forgive him(that's what she meant, out of what he heard, by the way). She hopes that he can somehow take her place, and protect Tohru, and let her be happy, let her be loved by lots of people. Even if she gets lost or makes a mistake, Kyoko wants Tohru to be proud of the life she lived.

Then she wakes up in a place. I don't really know what the place looks like, but I imagine it as a light blue shimmery place, and she can see someone walking towards her, from a distance. Katsuya. Suddenly she's young again, with her long hair and uniform, and she can be with the man she loves again. (🥺😭 dissolves in my tears)

There's a time skip, now Tohru, Yuki, Kyo, Hanajima, and Uotani have graduated, and it soon after shows Tohru and Kyo cleaning up their rooms, and reminiscing about when Tohru first arrived. A lot has changed in that time, it's incredible. Tohru thinks on how she will miss everyone, and all the things that have happened (in the span of a year, right? This all mostly happened within a year or two?). Kyo then says that everyone loves and appreciates her, and it's not like she'll never see any of them again, it's just the start of something new. Then Tohru's stomach grumbles and she gets embarrassed (oh no im hungry how embarrassing 😖)

We then jump to Yuki and Machi, and Yuki gives Machi a key to his new place, because he doesn't want her to think that he's cheating on her (why would she think that???) and then nearly fuckin yeets it out the window when she says that she's not worried that he'd do that. (So he does want her to have trust issues? Yuki, dude, you're confusing me on this) I think that Machi is a year behind Yuki, so she won't be starting college the same time as he will, but she promises that she'll follow after him and be back with him as soon as she can, which is very sweet.

This whole section is mostly jumping from one group of people to the next, so I think I'll try to summarize:

Ritsu and Kagura are talking, it seems that Ritsu is giving Kagura his old kimonos. He's cut his hair shorter, and he mentions how Shigure apparently has quit being an author, much to the relief of his editor, Mitsuru. Kagura asks if Ritsu is going to marry Mitsuru, which leaves him very flustered. Kagura still is hung up on Kyo, and says that she'll see Kyo and Tohru go just to see Kyo. She won't well wish them, because she knows that they'll be happy regardless.

Hiro and Kisa are walking past Shigure's old house, speculating on what is going to happen to it. Hiro says he thinks it will stay as it is for a while, which makes Kisa happy. She hopes that it can stay up and that a new household can live in it. She then starts crying, thinking about Kyo and Tohru leaving, but she says that she will smile when she sees them go, on the next day. Hiro tells her to not be upset over crying, that she can cry as much as she wants, because he knows how much Tohru means to Kisa.

Haru, Izusu, and Momiji are talking, and Haru mentions how Hatori said that eventually, Shigure's gonna get punched in the face, but he never did. Momiji says that it didn't happen because they are all more mature than Shigure. He says as an aside that he doesn't think it should be allowed that Kyo is "taking away" Tohru, because he's being selfish, and that he wants to pinch Kyo. Haru asks why he shouldn't do it tomorrow, and Momiji says that he can't do it in front of Tohru, but this whole thing has given Momiji a new sense of motivation, to find the best girlfriend in the world, and then he'll show her off to Kyo (not the best motivation to find a partner but okay). Izusu pops up by saying that she thinks Tohru should break up with Kyo. I'm not sure why though.

It's shown that Hanajima is working at Kazuma's place as a cook, which is something that Kyo was not pleased to find out, but despite his best efforts, The Guy Who is Also There at the Dojo Whose Name I Cannot Remember can't figure out how to get her to leave. Kazuma says that he will miss Kyo, but he won't worry about him. He's in good hands now.

Uotani is on the phone with Kureno, saying that she'll send his regards to Tohru and Kyo. She also says that she will miss Tohru, but she's also excited for her, for the both of them. She asks if the cherry blossoms are blooming yet, and that she'll have to make her way out to see them (and Kureno) soon.

Ayame and Mine are sending well wishes gifts in the form of big flouncy dresses, for Tohru (who I imagine would be flattered but I doubt she would wear them). Mine says that now that the time has come, she finds this sensation of "children leaving the nest" to be lonely, and Ayame agrees, and says that's exactly why adults put obnoxious amounts of love into cardboard boxes with instant ramen, socks, maid outfits, what have you. (They then say that they're going to send similarly flouncy dresses to Yuki, who I doubt will respond kindly)

Mayu and Hatori are on a date, and he offers to take her with him on a summer vacation to Okinawa. He says he's never been on a "decent" vacation, and that he wants to see the country. Mayu starts cracking up at the idea of Hatori in a swimsuit, then sobers quickly at the idea of herself in one, saying that her figure isn't ideal for a swimsuit (from the way she talked about herself I think she'd be all the rage in early 2000's Western fashion).

Akito says that she's not going to see Tohru and Kyo leave, saying that if she wants to visit Tohru, she'll go and see her, but I imagine it's also for the sake of everyone else that would be there.

Finally, we end with Yuki going to talk to Tohru. He tells her that he's happy about all that has happened, and that he's glad that he has gotten to this point. He says that he was weak, that he couldn't handle being around people, but he wanted to be loved, and be needed. All he ever did, he says, is want. But during that crucial time, Tohru appeared, and fulfilled that wish without even trying. He learned so much from her, and she gave him what he needed, and that's how he is able to be the person he presently is. And he also finally says that she was basically his mother, in a way. He wonders if she was like that to everyone, with how warm, welcome, and gentle she is to everyone she meets. He goes on to say that in this time, when everyone is parting ways, everyone is thinking of Tohru, wondering if she's happy, if she's crying, if she's doing well. Finally, he thanks her, and says that he's so glad that he got to meet her, and that she was there for him, and for all of them. (He also actually says her name, which he's never done, I don't think. It's always been "Honda-san", but never "Tohru", but now he's said it. There's really not an English version of that, as far as I'm aware, but from what I know, it is a pretty significant thing.)

There's a little bit of an epilogue, showing a child walking into a house, asking where Tohru and Kyo are. A woman replies saying, "That's Grandma and Grandpa to you!", but the child pouts and says that Grandma said she could call her by her name, and that they left her behind again on their walk. The woman tells her to not get in the way of their "lovey-dovey alone time", and there's a final establishing shot of Tohru and Kyo walking together, holding hands, with Kyoko's words: "Repeat the good, and the bad. Do it all, and pile on the years."

And that's the end!

I think I'm heartless, because I didn't cry at the end. I wanted to, but I didn't. Overall, I really liked this series! It was a lot of fun to read, a lot of shit goes down, it was a rollercoaster. Thinking back on how the story started, knowing some of the events that occurred before the story started, it all kinda leaves a bitter taste in my mouth (mainly the teasing that Kyo gets about him "training in the mountains", and knowing what was actually going on, it's kinda hard to laugh now 😬). One thing that I was kinda expecting the story to mention, but never did, was Izusu's mark on her back. It looks like some kinda of scar, but I never saw anything addressing it. Now that I think about it, it could have been from a number of things, but it was never said explicitly, which I think is weird. I think I'm gonna leave it here (I'm typing this last portion on my phone at 3:45am so it could be better).

[thisnerdsadventures]

a 2021 update

Ah, so I have forgotten to update in a million years, per usual

~ Random thought section ~

I woke up this morning and read this tweet thread about Alice Wu's director's note for her movie The Half of It. It's streaming on Netflix, and I highly encourage to go watch it, it's probably one of my favorite movies from the past few years. Anyways, she talks about how she produced the film while digesting the heartbreak of a friendship breakup - the whole thread hit me on a different level, but here's a quote that really hit home for me, especially a month from graduation: "The end of the film is each of their beginnings. And for my characters, I can think of no happier ending." We spend a lot of time worrying about the end of things and the uncertainty of things to come. Yet, there was a time where we worried about the exact same things for the very chapter we are now so nervous about leaving.

1. I'm nervous about leaving school and starting the..... rest of my life???

2. I'm nervous that my friends will slowly fade away. I'm nervous that they'll get on with their lives and I'll be slowly still trying to get my bearings, stuck in limbo.

3. I'm nervous that starting adulthood will be difficult because there are no more college orientations, no more awkward freshman dinners, perfect opportunities to meet new friends who are just as nervous as you are.

In writing this out, I felt a sense of deja-vu, like I had written these words before. So I just looked back at some of my posts right before entering college, and lo and behold:

08-18-2016: Today I said goodbye to one of my closer friends, and i realized that without even knowing it, Sunday’s party was the last time I would see some of my closest friends. It’s awful that way, that you don’t even know it’s the last time until it’s passed, and you’re left to pick up the the end of a chapter of a relationship from the scraps of an unexpected and improper farewell.

I feel like I’m in a weird twilight zone between college and high school where my present friends are all beginning to fade away to move on in their lives, and I’m yet to really meet anyone in my class yet, so at the moment,,,,,,there really isn’t anyone.

I wrote this less than a week from moving to Boston, and it's so shocking to me that I also experienced the "unexpected and improper farewell" part in senior year. It's almost the exact same thing that happened in COVID and is continuing to happen. You never know when the last time you might see someone might be, except instead of consolidated over the course of one pre-college summer, it's over the course of more than a year, the time that this pandemic has been going for.

And I hate that I said the "fade away and move on" thing verbatim, literally nearly five years ago. To be honest though, it's true, a lot of them did fade away and move on. But so did I, I wasn't left behind. To some extent, I was the one who did a lot of the moving away. And like many things in life, a couple of us continue to hang around, and maybe our friendships cycled in and out over college, but have come around again after a few years. I guess those are the ones that you know will stick around. The limbo period between chapters is a hard one, and it's nice to know that present-day me isn't the only one who has felt this. It's nice to know that past me met so many incredible people so fast, that I forgot this limbo period happened.

I know this part is getting a little long, but there's just a couple more snippets I want to share:

08-13-2016: I recently read Marina Keegan’s essay The Opposite of Loneliness, and one line resonated with me a lot: We’re so young. It seems silly and almost pretentious for me to think that this party would be so final, and yet it does, even though we have decades upon decades to build and connect or reconnect.

We’re so young, but that doesn’t stop the understanding that we are going to a new chapter in our lives and that it’s going to redefine our relationships. I hope it doesn’t change them too much.

I suppose much of the anxiety of going to college results from having to build my own community from the ground up again.... I tell myself the pieces will fall together and everything will be ok, but it doesn’t stop the increasing anxiety from, well, increasing.

I loved this collection of essays, if you haven't read it, I recommend you do. In moving around for so many years, I haven't been able to keep a lot of books in my possession, but I kept this one because that essay really hit home for me, and continues to, no matter what part of life I'm currently experiencing.

I think moving to college did change my relationships. But change is not a bad thing - your childhood friendships, the few of them that survive, end up strengthening and growing into adult friendships. And in the end, isn't that better than not changing at all? I'm hoping that a few of my college friendships will do that too - we'll go from college friends to family friends, and my kids will call them "Aunt" and "Uncle" and they'll grow up watching their parents talk for hours in the front yard before finally getting in the car and leaving for home.

08-13-2016: But hey, this is part of what I signed up for, I knew I wasn’t going to have much of an initial safety net, but I’m sure I’ll survive. We, as humans, always find a way to adapt right?

I think I survived and adapted. Not in the way I saw things going, but we can never really fully predict things, can we? One day, I'll learn to give myself a safety net for the next chapter, I'm sure. Today's not that day though.

Going back to her director's note, there was one more thing that just struck an emotional chord for me:

Fun fact, Alice Wu actually went to MIT for a bit before transferring to Stanford, and then she became a software engineer at Microsoft! I relate a little too much to her. Maybe one day I too will dump coding for my art form. But for now, in this above example, I relate far too much. I worked on my album, Imperfect, a little too obsessively this past winter while trying to digest the throes of heartbreak from one of my own friendships that ended. I still don't know if there was an ending for that friendship. I think I've spent a lot of time trying to put off the end, like a TV series that just keeps adding more and more seasons. Regardless of whether it needs to end or not (which I have not decided and will continue not to do so), I spent a lot of time thinking about who I was before and after that friendship, and I've concluded that a lot of who I am now, what my life looks like now is a result of that friendship. I'll give you a hint: I really like who I am now, compared to who I was before, and it showed me a lot of parts of life and friendship that I never expected would happen. That friendship was (is?) one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me in my life.

Let's finish off this reflective post with a quote from Khalil Gibran, that's kinda related to that point about how transformative the past can be, and how we're far better off in future chapters of our lives because of it.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

Again, if you haven't read his collection of poems, you should absolutely 100% drop whatever you're doing right now and do so! Wow, I really just assigned an entire reading list in this post.

I hope in making this movie, Alice found peace. I would hesitate to say that I found peace when making my album. I wrote a lot of songs about the heartbreak I felt from that whole experience. But the last song I wrote, "Best Friends," ends the whole thing on a positive note, that at the end of the day, I remember how my friends (past and present) literally saved my life and how things are looking a little better, and whatever happens, I hope my best friends will be there waiting for me, whoever they end up being.

- OK I PROMISE I DIDN'T SET OUT TO BE 100% SO EMO -

But yeah, I haven't really been doing much otherwise? I guess just tryna stay alive, I've been cooking a lot and cooking a lot of good good food, I did apply to an MBA program, I got my COVID vaccine (second shot this week!), I am excited to announce I am publishing a paper in my MEng lab, which is a really big accomplishment imo, I am thriving in my (1) econ class that I kept, even though I didn't realize we had readings assigned like for the past month, I went to try pastries from this Turkish bakery, I biked, probably, 15 miles over the past month, I've read at least 4 or 5 books this year so far, and am hoping to knock another one out today. Currently dying because trying to finish my thesis in like . a week, which is looking a little challenging, but I'm sure it'll happen!!!??