#i sort of expect SOMETHING to go horribly heartbreakingly wrong any moment. because there's clearly a mystery here

[blatantprinterpropaganda]

things penguins say, apparently:

[tinybutwicked]

10 & 17 from angst list, maylor pls!!

//thank you for this ♥ i loved writing it, hopefully it’s to your liking tho it got quite angsty//

tw:mention of a homophobic slur and emotional abuse(just to be safe)

Brian hated himself, he really did. Walking through the rainy London, he had a lot of time to go through every single thing he had done and said wrong.

And boy there were many.

But most recently, the way he had treated his boyfriend earlier that night. The things he had said had been nasty and unjust, and he knew he would have to beg for Roger’s forgiveness and he still wouldn’t deserve it. He replayed the fight over and over in his head, kept hearing his own words repeated. They were like an emotional sledgehammer, taking painful hits at his heart.

Shivers ran down Brian’s spine as he reached his destination; two small benches just by the river, near Westminster Abbey. He had no clue why Roger seemed to gravitate towards this place every time he was upset, but Brian could see a familiar figure hunched over one of the benches from afar.

It was cold, he was soaking wet, and he was so afraid he’d lose the man he loved.

“Roger?” There wasn’t an answer, he hadn’t expected one. He rounded the bench, sitting down next to Roger but leaving enough space between them.

“Roger, I’m so -”

“Don’t, Brian. Just don’t. I’m tired” And Roger looked tired. The rain had flattened his hair against his head a long time ago, small droplets falling off his nose and eyelashes. His blue eyes, usually so bright and full of life were now dull and red rimmed.

Brian knew he had messed everything up.

“I’m -”

“I said don’t” There wasn’t any anger in Roger’s words, he just sounded completely beaten. Brian bit his lip but kept his tongue still. If Roger didn’t want to talk to him, he definitely deserved it. 

So they sat, not speaking. The only sound around them being the rain and the cars passing here and there. Brian could swear he could hear his own heart breaking, but maybe it just seemed like that because he could feel it so clearly.

“I told him, you know” The guitarist jumped when Roger suddenly spoke up. He still sounded tired, but there was also something else in his tone.

“Pardon?”

“I told him. About us. Like you wanted me to” 

Ah, yes. The stupid fight. Brian closed his eyes, stinging burn behind his eyelids. He should have never opened his mouth. He should have just been happy that he got to be with Roger, no matter if no one else knew.

No matter if the blonde didn’t want to introduce him to his parents.

“After I left the house. I called him from a booth” Roger leaned back, glossed over eyes staring into the distance. Brian opened his, to look at the most beautiful human he had ever seen. So tired, so sad, but still so heartbreakingly beautiful with his tears mixing up with the rain.

“Okay” Brian felt like he didn’t have the right to talk, but he needed to let Roger know he was listening.

“I wasn’t upset with you, not really. It’s just my temper, you know.” A bitter huff of a laugh, “After a moment I actually thought you had a point. He should know. So I called him.

“I told him that I am in love. I told him, that I finally have someone I can open my heart up to. I told him, that.. I told him that I finally have someone I want to share my entire life with. I said to him ‘I finally understand what people are talking about, when they talk about love. I understand when I’m with him’. But you see, there was the dealbreaker” Roger cast his eyes down to his lap, lips quivering.

 Brian inched closer and wasn’t fended off.

“The… dealbreaker?”

“Yeah. ‘Him’. And do you know why? Because he ‘didn’t raise a goddamned queer’. He was so angry, Brian. He just kept on yelling and of course I yelled back, you know me. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t just hang up” The blonde shrugged, turning to look at Brian with hopeless eyes.

“I asked him. When he finally shut up, I asked him. ‘Do you even still love me?’.  Do you know what he did?” There was that bitter smile again, closer to a grimace. Brian felt a completely different sort of heartbreak now.

And he didn’t dare to ask.

“He hung up on me. He put down the phone because he couldn’t say it out loud” Roger was still crying, but the tears didn’t mix with the rain anymore.

“Roger I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine…”

“No. You can’t. And that’s fine, I don’t want you to” For a moment they just stared at each other. The sky was crying with them and Brian didn’t feel the kind of relief he had earlier thought he would after talking to Roger. Somehow he felt even worse.

“I know we said some horrible stuff to each other and I’m sorry for that but… God, if you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.”

So Brian did.