#i should've solved my tasks instead of writing this...

[genericaccount]

sometimes I think I need to pay more attention to what I eat in a day and how that effects ADHD medication and overall mood-emotion-feeling

I haven't eaten at all today which is terrible, I know, but I kept forgetting or telling myself I had to do X, Y, Z first or I had to be up/dressed/teeth brushed first or I would realize I'd waited too long then wanted to have lunch instead of breakfast but then tell myself it would be better to have lunch at X time or after X task.

I know I'm not avoiding eating (although really bad dry mouth symptom from current mystery illness does put me off food) and I know its not because I'm trying to "prove" I don't have to eat/rely on eating (that's a whole other odd past story) but I keep getting stuck in my own bad habit cycle? Like I can't break my own rountine (ex. I have to X before Y) which then has gotten me stuck in this "anti-routine" of waking up before 9-9:30 (this is good, this took me a while) but still end up stuck lying in bed, usually on my phone, till 11-12-or almost 2pm

Sure, time blindness doesn't help, but I know how much Better I feel when I have to be somewhere in the morning and it forces me to be up & dress & (ideally) had breakfast and Outside

More than half the time I usually end up wandering around and have these weird little "oh yeah its kinda nice leaving the house" moments that I ignore/forget later (And yeah going outside in the city means spending money which I really should not be doing right now but)

And yet here I am still internally and quietly telling myself that if I just had the "Perfect Morning Rountine" (because of course its all-or-nothing thinking) that everything would fall into place and I'll feel better (Not in the sense it would solve all problems, I'm still anxious about a work meeting and about a uncomfortable possibly ending friendship situation) But that I will feel more me - more human - like when you finally take a shower that you know you should've taken already and how Clean and Scrubbed you feel after in a very good and minituate rebirth kind of way

But I know logically that it doesn't work that way, not with ADHD and chronic illness and a deficient in self confidence and in accidental social semi-isolation. That my psychiatrist is right when she says that the intial steps are important, like with finally establishing a mostly sucessful wake up time and that maybe I need to find a way to comfortably leave the house that doesn't involve showering so I can fix my hair (wave-curl 2b-2c-3a ish that feels much more unmanageable than it used to be). I used to be comfortable with how I looked, and how I looked when I woke up, but now? I feel ugly. I do. I know I'm exagerating this in my mind and my own perception but yesterday I realized: I hadn't taken a picture of myself in almost a year, I now struggle to put outfits together because I've barely left the house since April so I keep wearing "home clothes", I can see how my eyes are more droopy and sad looking (partially assume its related to consistent lack of enough sleep) and that I hate how I look in photos other people take of me because I no longer know how to smile in pictures without thinking I look sad in every picture.

I know I'm not this person, heck I've managed to do/achieve some pretty cool things and I'm about to start a new path for one of them (its not quite what I was hoping for but it should help me get to where I want to be in a year). I used to be so creative, I used to be more interested in writing and art and just creating. I feel like I've slipped into this near-ghost of myself.

I wish I could say its all social media's fault. That I spent and maybe wasted too many hours on doomscrolling in various apps. But though that is true, I know its not the cause. A distraction, maybe. A draw away from creating rather than consuming, sure. I don't simply "blame myself" (though negative thinking sure tries to) but its not that I'm folding in on myself, but I find myself more often slipping into wanting to exist in couch-tv-vegetable state, wanting to simply zone out to a myriad of media.

Maybe this has all been cumalative burn out? I don't know.

But I'm tired of feeling like this, I say for the thousandth time, I want to start moving forward again. I still don't think this is depression, it feels too other and I don't feel like I'm numb or sinking or any of the ways I hear it described. I think I just feel stuck.

I guess I'll see how tomorrow morning goes.

I'm going to go take a shower.

[watchinglikeafangirl]

Lovely Writer episode 3 - analysis

The episode this week changed everything again. We see more of Nubsib's true colors and we see the two become closer. Nubsib is still pretending but his true personality is also showing here and there, Gene starts having thoughts and is confused how he feels about Nubsib. All in all, this week's episode had a lot of information and was even more fun to watch. Especially the scene, when they film "bad engineer" and the first meeting of the characters ending in a weird embrace filmed in slow motion. It was hilarious...

Honesty and no filter

I don't know if honesty is the right word here but I would say it kind of fits. Even though Nubsib is crossing many lines, Gene at least tells him immediately when he's uncomfortable. Especially in the scenes when his personal space is invaded which he is not used to. He lives with Nubsib but kissing him is a whole different thing. He is someone who is very closeted and only opens up to Nubsib because he learns that life doesn't happen in fantasies and books. But when Nubsib tries to kiss him in the second episode, puts his face aggressively closer to Gene's, Gene pulls away immediately. This shows that even though he might be an introvert who is living in his head very much, he is not shy in the way that he doesn't talk about any emotion. He felt very uncomfortable and told Nubsib immediately also because he feels that Nubsib would listen and back off, which he then did.

In this episode, we get a similar scene. Nubsib pushes Gene on the sofa in a very slow, dominant and erotic way and Gene is kind of okay until Nubsib is too close.

Right before the kiss, he's extremely uncomfortable and says that he is. Nubsib is really concerned and sorry about it and backs off immediately. You could also say about this scene that Gene was not really uncomfortable and just scared of his feelings towards Nubsib but I think, it was just their closeness. They only know each other and live together for three weeks and Gene opened up just yet. It would be out of character if he would have settled into a kiss or even a make-out.

Nubsib is his true self when he comforts Gene who is having a nightmare. There is no sound effect, just some music playing and this scene is very slow and calm. Nothing disturbing the peaceful moment of taking care and there is no rushing.

Defensiveness and hidden feelings

Like I said, and like we all know, Gene is an introvert which becomes very clear when we get to know that he is living alone in a condo that is too big for one person alone. Everything is chaotic and as soon as Nubsib moves in, it's very tidy and clean. But Gene is too scared to admit it. He's too scared to admit that he likes Nubsib's company. Nubsib knows he does and jokes around when he's trying to get a confession from Gene. Gene, completely confused why that kiss is stuck in his head, gets defensive whenever Nubsib flirts and teases him.

This difensiveness becomes more after Aey says "he seems to like you" which confuses Gene even more. He can't stop thinking about it and ends up throwing Nubsib out of his condo because he is too scared to admit it. To himself and to Nubsib. Gene is very inexperienced and insecure about romantic stuff, so he doesn't know if this feeling of tenderness is even real and if Nubsib is really honest with him. There is an awkwardness between them that reminds us that they don't know each other well and Gene would have to get to know Nubsib more in order to be okay with his feelings. Because now, Nubsib still is a total stranger. The insecurity in romantic things and feelings leads Gene to question the meaning behind every word Nubsib said to him and if they were even true. This growing friendship with a stranger and growing romantic feelings for him is too much for Gene and he feels like he won't be able to focus on writing any more. For him it's either living or writing and he chooses writing over everything and feels like he can't think straight.

His feelings which he can't name or distinguish make him get defensive whenever he feels Nubsib is playing around.

Pretending and unawareness

Nubsib gives us all the vibes of fakery in many scenes and we feel there's something breeding under his skin that will show its true colors at some point (and I think very soon). Gene gets that vibe too and that's why things get awkward between them sometimes when both suddenly turn quiet like they don't know what to say to each other which could be because both can't get rid of the picture of their kiss. I mean, both obviously think about it. Nubsib can't even kiss Aey for the scene and Gene can't focus on writing because of it.

Nubsib is the one pretending here. Especially on the sofa. He even says that he learned it "in a workshop" which means the way he is behaving is all inspired and copied from these acting workshops. And that adds depth to his character. He is inexperienced too. He acts like the typical dominant BL character but even says himself that he learned it from the workshop.

That means, he's also insecure but is very good in hiding it. Because he feels like being his true self when it comes to romantic stuff is not enough and that he has to cover those stereotypes in order to appeal as attractive. Especially because Gene wrote this kind of character in the novel himself. So, Nubsib thinks it's the right way to act and is too shy to be his real self which is very sad and thankfully doesn't work out that well when they are on the sofa. Gene gets uncomfortable and I guess a bit frightened by the now very dominant version of Nubsib.

I don't think Nubsib is aware of the effect the moments when he is his true self have on Gene. They are the moments when Gene likes him and falls for him, not the ones when he's pretending. As soon as the pretending stops, the sound effects stop as well and they are talking more natural and real.

Same goes for Gene. What I noticed this episode was that the moment Gene enters, the sound effects start. That means Gene is pretending too but not in such an obvious way and maybe not even on purpose. He backs out of every situation because he sacrificed his life to writing. Writing defines his whole day, social-life, sleeping-routine and health. But I think, deep down he wants to live a bit more. He pretends to be okay with the situation, with how his life is going, but he sees, now that Nubsib moved in, that his way of living covers up all the desires he himself has. Nubsib unlocked something in him, makes him see that life is not only in your condo and especially with other people. Gene sees that now and he'll get sad.

Criticism and jokes

This show criticizes many different aspects. Basically everything of the BL industry is being criticized.

Mostly the charcters don't stand up for themselves when they are feeling uncomfortable. The scene on the sofa was definetely too intense and Gene didn't like it at all. I was already turning my eyes because I was just like 'not one of those scenes' but surprisingly the scene didn't go the way I thought. In many shows this would've gone in a very different direction even though the other charcter is not okay with it. BLs sometimes like to romanticise harrassement.

The writers are mostly female and the target audience is as well. BLs are mostly a fantasy and that's totally fine. It's just boring that every show is basically the same with the same stereotypes and exact same plot. The characters are not in any way real and Gene just copied this idea for "bad engineer". BL novels are created by women for women and that's what is criticised here because there's nothing real about it. In fact Gene wants to focus more on character developments and not NC scenes.

Fanscervice blends over problems the actors might have with each other. Nubsib and Aey don't get along that well but they have to, for the fans. This is a new level of pretending and also very uncomfortable to watch because they have to sacrifice their own values in order to have a job in the first place.

The jokes ... they are just very funny. Having a discussion about product placement for product placement?

Changing in the women's changing rooms because you thought it was 'unisex'?

Nubsib wearing a shirt saying 'eat me'?

There are many more but these are the ones I remember laughing at the most.

Questions

What's the deal with Aey?

Nubsib obviously doesn't like him but why? What did he do?

Is Nubsib jealous? Does Aey have a crush on Gene?

Will Aey become a character we feel sorry for?

What's going on in Tum's life? (I'm concerned)

Ending

This show adds layer after layer and from afar it looks like the typical BL but it's way, way better than that. It's funny, entertaining, realistic and interesting. Basically a writer navigating helplessly through the BL industry and learning that everything needs to be mainstream and is not allowed to be very different from the rest. I like this idea very much because as fans of BLs, we only see the things from the outside and can only assume the stuff that's going on behind the scenes. Here we have people who know what they are talking about whom we can use as a ressource. I found new aspects in this show I didn't even think about being a problem with the BL industry. It's just very interesting.

Preview

The previews always promise some heavy developments and I'm really excited to see jealous Gene and also drunk Gene. What will he do and will he be different? I mean, Nubsib is going to move out but I guess in the end, he won't. I don't know, something will happen because when Gene said "you can stay" he looked very sorry. Perhaps Nubsib shows more of himself and I think we all agree that he's probably messed up. He thinks pretending and manipulation leads to love...

[railingsofsorrow]

I've never been a natural

[regulus black x james potter]

summary: in which sirius is a good friend, remus is whipped and james can't stop thinking about his last kiss. 

pairings: remus lupin x sirius black; regulus black x james potter; dorcas meadowes x marlene mckinnon

w.c: 3.1K

warnings/content: the school years of hogwarts make me confused so there will probably be some inaccurate info about the boys' ages; hints of child ab^se; lily and marlene make an appearance <3; sirius secretly loves solving a mystery; remus tries to make things right; mentions of marriage; conflicts about sexuality; cursing.

second installment of the "mirrorball series"  

part of “the taylor swift anthology

[chapter one; chapter three]

☆.｡.:* - *:.｡.☆

“You've been avoiding me.”  

Regulus gasped with the sudden voice,  smudging his parchment with ink. Luckily it had been a short spot, or else he would've hexed the person for making him lose an assignment due to that day.  

“Sorry.” Remus Lupin's apologetic smile made Regulus want to stick the quill pen in his pretty honey eyes.  

Carefully, Remus placed himself on the chair in the front, dropping his books on the table. He was studying Regulus every move, who didn't even glance up at him besides the glare he received seconds ago.  

“Have you finished the DADA activity?” Remus gulped, eyes shifting in nervousness. Remus hated when anxiety pricked in. It was like his skin was on fire. He didn't know what he had done but he probably had done something to make Regulus upset. The boy was ignoring him for a week now.  

“Not yet.” He replied shortly, eyes glued to the parchment. Because of you, his head snickered. Because of you and my stupid brother. Because I can't stop thinking it should be me in Sirius' place instead.  

“Do you want help?” Remus decides then that he should've just stayed quiet. The question was embarrassing enough and now he was waiting for a reply? Not self-preservation there, Lupin. Regulus was one of the best students in Defence Against the Dark Arts, besides Sniv—Snape. Besides Snape. He was trying to change the name-calling. For Lily.  

Well, he never had any beforehand. So why care now?  

“No.”  

Regulus then sighed. “Do you need something?”  

Remus shoulders slumped in resignation. “Yes. Why are you upset with me?” 

Regulus shrugged, muttering I don't know what you're talking about, and went back to writing the answer to a question. Remus rolled his eyes.  

“You know, for being so different you and Sirius are so much alike.”  

Regulus scoffed, tightening his hold on the pen in annoyance. He hated to be compared to Sirius. They weren't even speaking anymore. He hated to even hear the name itself. Sirius left me. I would've never left him. So don't you dare compare me to him. I'm nothing like him.  

“You both dance around the issue instead of coming forward with it.”  

“Coming forward.” Regulus tried the words. They tasted a bit sweet on his tongue. Especially with the assumption that he was about to make. “Am I the one that needs to come forward with anything, Remus?”  

Remus palled up instantly at the tone Regulus used. His mind immediately went to Sirius Black. Did Regulus know? No. He couldn't. They were sneaking out and they weren't even speaking to each other.  

“If you're done now, I need to finish this.” Regulus cut the conversation short, drifting his eyes down to the paper as if he hadn't just put a doubt in Remus' mind.  

Remus wasn't the one to give up on his tasks. “Fine. But we'll talk later. When you're done being a child.”  

The quill was pressed against the table with a thud.  

“Prick.” He sneered lowly, picking up the pen again.  

James didn't tell anyone about his date with Lily. Not even his friends. The ones he shares a dorm with. They only heard a quiet it was fun when James arrived that night, and then he had locked himself in the bathroom. The shower took more than half an hour, causing the marauders to share worried looks.  

Remus told them to not pry. That James would tell him if something was wrong on his own time. Remus was the consciousness of the group, clearly. While Sirius was the impulsiveness. He loved his boyfriend but he wouldn't listen to him. He needed to know if Lily had dumped Potter for good or if she had cursed him with something so he would stop declaring his love for her daily. Sirius was convinced no date could have been that fun if his best mate was being silent about it.  

James Potter was not silent in the slightest.  

That word didn't even fitted him in any aspect. Even his mother knew that. She said so herself.  

So, Sirius would have to resort to extraordinary measures.  

“Evans. Evans!” Some students stopped and turned their necks to see the commotion between the two gryffindors. Marlene, the one who was with arms linked with Lily, glared at them, sending them to do their own business. “Can we have a word in private?” 

Lily narrowed her eyes at the long-haired boy. “Why?”  

Sirius sighed, eyeing Marlene, who had her eyes switching between both like a tennis match spectator.  

“Oh. Alright. I'm off to meet my girl anyway.” She shrugged unbothered, unlinking her arm from Lily's, who gave her a look of disbelief. You're leaving me with the wolves just like that? Marlene smirked at her, brushing her golden strands out of her shoulders. “I probably know what this is about. And I want to know it later.” Sending Sirius a wink, she walked away in the hallway in the direction of the Slytherin's dungeons.  

Lily crossed her arms, “What are you plotting, Black?”  

“Why do you always assume I'm plotting something, Evans? Do you think I have no shame?”  

“Yes.” She said blankly.  

Sirius pouted, “I guess you are right. But I need something.” 

“Of course you do,” Lily stated, switching the two books she had in one hand to the other. She was getting annoyed at the delay of that conversation. “Now, if you'll speed up, please.”  

Sirius eyes hummed, “Right. So, you and James?” He figure going straight to the point meant more time for them to do the stuff they had to do that afternoon.  

“James and I what?” Lily raised her eyebrows in a confused manner.  

Sirius gave her a look. She frowned.  

“What Sirius?” 

“Did you two did or did you not go on a date last Saturday?” Sirius crossed his arms when students passed by them, stepping closer as if it was a dark secret of Hogwarts.  

Lily seemed to understand the topic, her green eyes brightening. “Oh. Yes. Yes, we did. Didn't he tell you?” She squeezed the material of the book absent-mindedly 

“... And?”  

“And what?”  

“Merlin, what happened that night that you two don't even slip anything to your friends?!” Sirius exclaimed, arms waving around in outrage. Lily swallowed dryly, pressing her shiny lips together while studying the other students walking by. A Slytherin cursed her. Sirius grabbed his wand and whispered a hex so strong the student got stuck in the ceiling. Yelling for help. His group of friends scrambled away quickly. “Bunch of stupid arses! Cowards!” 

“That's fine. It's okay.” She touched his forearm with a small smile. “Thank you, but put him down, will you?”  

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “Only if you tell me what happened Saturday.” 

Lily groaned, “Black!”  

“Evans!” Sirius playfully spat back, grinning mischievously as he hid his wand in his robes. “C'mon, Lily. I don't want any details. I'm not that shameless. I just want to know what happened that made Prongs so quiet after—” 

“What?” Lily's forehead creased, “What do you mean?” 

“James' been odd ever since that Saturday,” Sirius explained. Lily's attention shifted somewhere else. “Did you say something that hurt him? Did you break his heart?” 

“No!” Lily retorted quickly, eyes wide in shock. “I didn't do anything to Potter, Sirius. He- He—” She stammered, closing her mouth after a moment and shaking her head.  

“He what?” Sirius pressed, visibly concerned, “What is going on with James, Lily?” 

Lily held the books against her torso tightly. “You have to ask him, alright? This isn't my business, Black.”  

“What do you mean?” Sirius tone raised and Lily gave him a warning gaze. He breathed out, forcing his shoulders down. “What do you mean this isn't your business? If James is like that after that date then—” 

“It has nothing to do with the date!” It wasn't even a proper date, you idiot. We don't see each other like that. She couldn't say that. Not when it wasn't about her. “Just ask him, alright? When he's ready, he'll tell you. I have to go. Got class in five minutes.”  

Sirius huffed frustrated, pushing his hair back.  

“Merlin, I need Moony.”  

Remus was twisting his neck, feeling instant relief when the bones cracked. He was so tense. The full moon was getting closer, so it only made sense.  

A made-up paper plane flew to the tip of his nose and then fell. He looked up at the culprit.  

“Sorry, Moony,” Peter said sheepishly, cheeks turning pink as he mentioned the paper plane back with his wand. Well, he mentioned but it didn't obey him so he whined in frustration.  

The corner of Remus' lips lifted slightly, watching the boy struggle with some spell incantation. “Watcha' doing, Wormy?”  

“Tryin' to make it fly with me. You know,” Peter fixed the point of the plane since it had a dent from the previous flying. “Like a pet.” 

“Like a... pet?”  

“Yes. I'm trying to be original. Instead of animals, why not a paper plane?”  

Remus nodded slowly. “Right. Very original.” 

“Thanks, Moony.” Pettigrew beamed at him. The boy then grabbed the paper plane and followed outside muttering something about training it better in a bigger space.  

Lupin shook his head in amusement. A hiss left his lips when his neck hurt.  

“In pain?”  

He didn't need to look up to see who it was. He'd recognize that familiar scent from a thousand of miles afar.  

“The full moon, isn't it? You're starting to feel.” The bed hunched when Sirius sat on the end, his gray eyes searching for Remus' amber ones.  

“'M fine,” Remus replied, shrugging.  

“Lay down. I'll give you a massage.”  

Remus flushed red and tried to cover it by turning away and clearing his throat. But Sirius still saw it. He thought it was endearing. Cute. So cute.  

“No. I'm trying to finish this assignment—” 

“I wasn't asking,” Sirius pulled Remus' study stuff away, almost making it fall off the bed, receiving a glare immediately. “Oi! Don't look at me like that. I'd rather that mushy gaze you usually give me.”  

Remus was on fire at this point. Not in a good way.  

“I don't give you any gaze!” His tone wavered. 

“If you say so, mon ange. Lay down, Moony. You'll feel better after it. I promise.” The funny thing was that Sirius Black didn't need to promise Remus Lupin anything. He'd believe him in a heartbeat without thinking twice.  

He was a complete goner for that boy.  

Remus just prayed he could disguise it enough on day-to-day activities. Or else, all Hogwarts would know of him being completely mushy in love for Sirius Black.  

There was also that pet name. Mon ange. Why did his french accent have to be so sexy?  

Stop it, Remus. Get ahold of yourself!  

When he felt soft lips pressing against his shoulder blade, he opened his eyes, finding gray ones much like a sky ready for rain studying him curiously.  

“Share your thoughts with me, mon ange.” Sirius kissed his other shoulder blade, resting his chin on Remus clothed chest. “What's with the frown?” He smoothed out the crease in the werewolves' forehead. Remus fluttered his eyes shut in contentment.  

“I still want my massage.”  

Sirius' body shook with laughter. “As you wish.”  

James Potter was confused. His head was a whirlwind wind of questions and his heart a storm of emotions. He didn't know what to do.  

Not even Lily could fix the mess that he carried. And Lily was exceptional in a lot of things—not James Potter.  

These were many of the reasons James could be found at the Astronomy Tower at nine-fifteen p.m. He needed quietness and space. This was the quietest place he knew of at Hogwarts, and another plus was that it didn't happen to have anyone at that time of the night.  

He had sneaked out. Thanks to the Marauders' Map; which he took with him so that his friends wouldn't follow. When he meant he wanted space, was space from them, too. They kept bombarding him with inquiries about the date and he had gotten frustrated. Mad, even.  

Deep down, he wasn't mad at them. He knew they were worrying with reason given the way he has been acting lately.  

He was mad at himself. For not being able to organize his brain.  

Was he just confused? Or was it something more?  

Why couldn't he stop thinking about kissing Regulus Black? 

But the million-dollar question: why had he enjoyed it? 

He'd kissed before. Girls. When it had been Lily, he felt a flutter in his stomach. He thought it was love. It is love, isn't it? You've pursued her for years, why are you questioning?  

He liked Lily Evans. He knew that.  

But he kept wondering what would it feels like to kiss Regulus again. There hadn't been just a flutter in his stomach, but a building excitement. Kind of... a spark.  

Did he like boys now too? 

James was fucked.  

His inner thoughts were interrupted by a whimper echoing inside the tower. He quickly grabbed his wand. Following the sound, he found someone hunched over below one of the windows.  

Raven curls messy because of long fingers running through it and a choked cry told James the identity of the person.  

“Are you alright?”  

Regulus froze, sniffing. He quickly brushed his tears and got up, turning towards the exit. James called out his name and he didn't stop. Only when his arm was grabbed.  

“What happened, Reg?” James asked, verifying his face for any clue of a wound. Besides the red-rimmed eyes, there wasn't anything alarming. Why do we always meet when he's crying?  

“Are you stalking me?” Regulus yanked his arm back, sniffling. “Can't seem to get a moment alone for christ's sake.”  

James raised his hands in surrender, “Not stalking. This is a public place in case you haven't heard.” He bemused. When he saw the bloodshot eyes of the boy his demeanor softened. “I had to get some air. What about you?”  

Regulus pondered what he would gain from telling James anything. Probably tons of judgment.  

“Nothing. I'm on my way, anyway.”  

“Reg.” James blocked the way out with his body. Regulus sighed heavily, “Why are you crying?  

“I'm not crying.”  

“Was it your mum?”  

Regulus gave him a suspicious look, “What?” 

“We saw when you got the letter at the Great Hall...” Regulus mentally slapped himself. Everybody had seen him receive a letter at Great Hall, he just hadn't opened it right on time. “Do- do you want to talk about it?”  

“Why.”  

James gave him an exasperated look, “I don't know, Reg. Because it's just you and me here and you look like you need someone to talk to? Look. If you don't want it. It's fine. I won't pressure you. I can leave—” 

“No.” It was a surprise for both when Regulus held James' wrist to stop him from leaving. He quickly retracted his hand. “Mother did send me that letter.” 

James nodded slowly, waiting for him to carry on.  

Regulus felt as if there was something stuck in his throat. “I- I have to- I mean, she wants me to- Mother is choosing someone to marry me.”  

James eyes almost bugged out of his face. “What?! You're sixteen!” 

Regulus scoffed. “Yeah, well. Someone would have to fulfill Sirius' place, wouldn't it?” He let out bitterly, eyeing his lap. They had sat down by the window, the light of the moon illuminating their profiles. “In the letter, she said I'm supposed to be home by the weekend to meet- to meet my new bride.” He almost gagged at the word bride. He was truly doomed to live an unhappy life just like his parents.  

“You can't go.”  

Regulus scratched his eyes, they were sore from the repeated action and from crying. “I have to.”  

James frowned, “No, you don't. Just stay at Hogwarts.” Regulus stared at him as if he was crazy. 

“My mother doesn't ask me things, James. She orders them. And if I don't obey, then...” He sighed, passing a hand through his hand. He was so tired.  

“Then, you're punished.” James completes, “Like Sirius used to be.”  

His dark curls covered his eyes as he looked down at his lap, playing with the rem of his robes to distract himself from the subject. He nodded. 

“Your family is insane.” James didn't think before saying and that made him freeze in fright. He was sure Regulus would hex him to eternity now. How could he be so daft? “I'm sorry, I didn't—”  

What was even more scary was to hear a laugh coming from the raven-haired's mouth. A proper loud one.  

“Don't worry. I know that.”  

James was still staring at Regulus in awe when the boy stopped laughing; he gazed at James confused. “What it is?” 

“Nothing!” James shook his head, curls dancing in his head with the action. He pushed his glasses up and gulped. You idiot. Stop staring. “Just... I've never heard you laugh before. It's- it's a nice sound.”  

Regulus' pale cheeks warmed up.  

“What if you say you have an important project to finish?” James' eyes lit up with an idea. “They'd prioritize your education, right?” 

Regulus tilted his head. “Yes, but I don't have any projects—” 

“You do now,” James cuts him off. Regulus blinked at him. “Just tell them it has something to do with Defense of the Dark Arts. And that you have to stay in the castle for this weekend or you might lose half of the semester's grade.” 

“That is a whiplash of vague information, Potter.” Regulus straightened his back not trusting that idea any bit. “What it is that you have in mind?”  

“Do you trust me?”  

“No.”  

“Well, do you want to get engaged, Black?”  

Regulus banged his head on the wall and closed his eyes, “No.” He said in defeat.  

James smirked. “Then you'll have to trust me.”  

A/N: thoughts? comments? curses? punches? kisses?