#i should've solved my tasks instead of writing this...

[genericaccount]

sometimes I think I need to pay more attention to what I eat in a day and how that effects ADHD medication and overall mood-emotion-feeling

I haven't eaten at all today which is terrible, I know, but I kept forgetting or telling myself I had to do X, Y, Z first or I had to be up/dressed/teeth brushed first or I would realize I'd waited too long then wanted to have lunch instead of breakfast but then tell myself it would be better to have lunch at X time or after X task.

I know I'm not avoiding eating (although really bad dry mouth symptom from current mystery illness does put me off food) and I know its not because I'm trying to "prove" I don't have to eat/rely on eating (that's a whole other odd past story) but I keep getting stuck in my own bad habit cycle? Like I can't break my own rountine (ex. I have to X before Y) which then has gotten me stuck in this "anti-routine" of waking up before 9-9:30 (this is good, this took me a while) but still end up stuck lying in bed, usually on my phone, till 11-12-or almost 2pm

Sure, time blindness doesn't help, but I know how much Better I feel when I have to be somewhere in the morning and it forces me to be up & dress & (ideally) had breakfast and Outside

More than half the time I usually end up wandering around and have these weird little "oh yeah its kinda nice leaving the house" moments that I ignore/forget later (And yeah going outside in the city means spending money which I really should not be doing right now but)

And yet here I am still internally and quietly telling myself that if I just had the "Perfect Morning Rountine" (because of course its all-or-nothing thinking) that everything would fall into place and I'll feel better (Not in the sense it would solve all problems, I'm still anxious about a work meeting and about a uncomfortable possibly ending friendship situation) But that I will feel more me - more human - like when you finally take a shower that you know you should've taken already and how Clean and Scrubbed you feel after in a very good and minituate rebirth kind of way

But I know logically that it doesn't work that way, not with ADHD and chronic illness and a deficient in self confidence and in accidental social semi-isolation. That my psychiatrist is right when she says that the intial steps are important, like with finally establishing a mostly sucessful wake up time and that maybe I need to find a way to comfortably leave the house that doesn't involve showering so I can fix my hair (wave-curl 2b-2c-3a ish that feels much more unmanageable than it used to be). I used to be comfortable with how I looked, and how I looked when I woke up, but now? I feel ugly. I do. I know I'm exagerating this in my mind and my own perception but yesterday I realized: I hadn't taken a picture of myself in almost a year, I now struggle to put outfits together because I've barely left the house since April so I keep wearing "home clothes", I can see how my eyes are more droopy and sad looking (partially assume its related to consistent lack of enough sleep) and that I hate how I look in photos other people take of me because I no longer know how to smile in pictures without thinking I look sad in every picture.

I know I'm not this person, heck I've managed to do/achieve some pretty cool things and I'm about to start a new path for one of them (its not quite what I was hoping for but it should help me get to where I want to be in a year). I used to be so creative, I used to be more interested in writing and art and just creating. I feel like I've slipped into this near-ghost of myself.

I wish I could say its all social media's fault. That I spent and maybe wasted too many hours on doomscrolling in various apps. But though that is true, I know its not the cause. A distraction, maybe. A draw away from creating rather than consuming, sure. I don't simply "blame myself" (though negative thinking sure tries to) but its not that I'm folding in on myself, but I find myself more often slipping into wanting to exist in couch-tv-vegetable state, wanting to simply zone out to a myriad of media.

Maybe this has all been cumalative burn out? I don't know.

But I'm tired of feeling like this, I say for the thousandth time, I want to start moving forward again. I still don't think this is depression, it feels too other and I don't feel like I'm numb or sinking or any of the ways I hear it described. I think I just feel stuck.

I guess I'll see how tomorrow morning goes.

I'm going to go take a shower.

[watchinglikeafangirl]

Lovely Writer episode 3 - analysis

The episode this week changed everything again. We see more of Nubsib's true colors and we see the two become closer. Nubsib is still pretending but his true personality is also showing here and there, Gene starts having thoughts and is confused how he feels about Nubsib. All in all, this week's episode had a lot of information and was even more fun to watch. Especially the scene, when they film "bad engineer" and the first meeting of the characters ending in a weird embrace filmed in slow motion. It was hilarious...

Honesty and no filter

I don't know if honesty is the right word here but I would say it kind of fits. Even though Nubsib is crossing many lines, Gene at least tells him immediately when he's uncomfortable. Especially in the scenes when his personal space is invaded which he is not used to. He lives with Nubsib but kissing him is a whole different thing. He is someone who is very closeted and only opens up to Nubsib because he learns that life doesn't happen in fantasies and books. But when Nubsib tries to kiss him in the second episode, puts his face aggressively closer to Gene's, Gene pulls away immediately. This shows that even though he might be an introvert who is living in his head very much, he is not shy in the way that he doesn't talk about any emotion. He felt very uncomfortable and told Nubsib immediately also because he feels that Nubsib would listen and back off, which he then did.

In this episode, we get a similar scene. Nubsib pushes Gene on the sofa in a very slow, dominant and erotic way and Gene is kind of okay until Nubsib is too close.

Right before the kiss, he's extremely uncomfortable and says that he is. Nubsib is really concerned and sorry about it and backs off immediately. You could also say about this scene that Gene was not really uncomfortable and just scared of his feelings towards Nubsib but I think, it was just their closeness. They only know each other and live together for three weeks and Gene opened up just yet. It would be out of character if he would have settled into a kiss or even a make-out.

Nubsib is his true self when he comforts Gene who is having a nightmare. There is no sound effect, just some music playing and this scene is very slow and calm. Nothing disturbing the peaceful moment of taking care and there is no rushing.

Defensiveness and hidden feelings

Like I said, and like we all know, Gene is an introvert which becomes very clear when we get to know that he is living alone in a condo that is too big for one person alone. Everything is chaotic and as soon as Nubsib moves in, it's very tidy and clean. But Gene is too scared to admit it. He's too scared to admit that he likes Nubsib's company. Nubsib knows he does and jokes around when he's trying to get a confession from Gene. Gene, completely confused why that kiss is stuck in his head, gets defensive whenever Nubsib flirts and teases him.

This difensiveness becomes more after Aey says "he seems to like you" which confuses Gene even more. He can't stop thinking about it and ends up throwing Nubsib out of his condo because he is too scared to admit it. To himself and to Nubsib. Gene is very inexperienced and insecure about romantic stuff, so he doesn't know if this feeling of tenderness is even real and if Nubsib is really honest with him. There is an awkwardness between them that reminds us that they don't know each other well and Gene would have to get to know Nubsib more in order to be okay with his feelings. Because now, Nubsib still is a total stranger. The insecurity in romantic things and feelings leads Gene to question the meaning behind every word Nubsib said to him and if they were even true. This growing friendship with a stranger and growing romantic feelings for him is too much for Gene and he feels like he won't be able to focus on writing any more. For him it's either living or writing and he chooses writing over everything and feels like he can't think straight.

His feelings which he can't name or distinguish make him get defensive whenever he feels Nubsib is playing around.

Pretending and unawareness

Nubsib gives us all the vibes of fakery in many scenes and we feel there's something breeding under his skin that will show its true colors at some point (and I think very soon). Gene gets that vibe too and that's why things get awkward between them sometimes when both suddenly turn quiet like they don't know what to say to each other which could be because both can't get rid of the picture of their kiss. I mean, both obviously think about it. Nubsib can't even kiss Aey for the scene and Gene can't focus on writing because of it.

Nubsib is the one pretending here. Especially on the sofa. He even says that he learned it "in a workshop" which means the way he is behaving is all inspired and copied from these acting workshops. And that adds depth to his character. He is inexperienced too. He acts like the typical dominant BL character but even says himself that he learned it from the workshop.

That means, he's also insecure but is very good in hiding it. Because he feels like being his true self when it comes to romantic stuff is not enough and that he has to cover those stereotypes in order to appeal as attractive. Especially because Gene wrote this kind of character in the novel himself. So, Nubsib thinks it's the right way to act and is too shy to be his real self which is very sad and thankfully doesn't work out that well when they are on the sofa. Gene gets uncomfortable and I guess a bit frightened by the now very dominant version of Nubsib.

I don't think Nubsib is aware of the effect the moments when he is his true self have on Gene. They are the moments when Gene likes him and falls for him, not the ones when he's pretending. As soon as the pretending stops, the sound effects stop as well and they are talking more natural and real.

Same goes for Gene. What I noticed this episode was that the moment Gene enters, the sound effects start. That means Gene is pretending too but not in such an obvious way and maybe not even on purpose. He backs out of every situation because he sacrificed his life to writing. Writing defines his whole day, social-life, sleeping-routine and health. But I think, deep down he wants to live a bit more. He pretends to be okay with the situation, with how his life is going, but he sees, now that Nubsib moved in, that his way of living covers up all the desires he himself has. Nubsib unlocked something in him, makes him see that life is not only in your condo and especially with other people. Gene sees that now and he'll get sad.

Criticism and jokes

This show criticizes many different aspects. Basically everything of the BL industry is being criticized.

Mostly the charcters don't stand up for themselves when they are feeling uncomfortable. The scene on the sofa was definetely too intense and Gene didn't like it at all. I was already turning my eyes because I was just like 'not one of those scenes' but surprisingly the scene didn't go the way I thought. In many shows this would've gone in a very different direction even though the other charcter is not okay with it. BLs sometimes like to romanticise harrassement.

The writers are mostly female and the target audience is as well. BLs are mostly a fantasy and that's totally fine. It's just boring that every show is basically the same with the same stereotypes and exact same plot. The characters are not in any way real and Gene just copied this idea for "bad engineer". BL novels are created by women for women and that's what is criticised here because there's nothing real about it. In fact Gene wants to focus more on character developments and not NC scenes.

Fanscervice blends over problems the actors might have with each other. Nubsib and Aey don't get along that well but they have to, for the fans. This is a new level of pretending and also very uncomfortable to watch because they have to sacrifice their own values in order to have a job in the first place.

The jokes ... they are just very funny. Having a discussion about product placement for product placement?

Changing in the women's changing rooms because you thought it was 'unisex'?

Nubsib wearing a shirt saying 'eat me'?

There are many more but these are the ones I remember laughing at the most.

Questions

What's the deal with Aey?

Nubsib obviously doesn't like him but why? What did he do?

Is Nubsib jealous? Does Aey have a crush on Gene?

Will Aey become a character we feel sorry for?

What's going on in Tum's life? (I'm concerned)

Ending

This show adds layer after layer and from afar it looks like the typical BL but it's way, way better than that. It's funny, entertaining, realistic and interesting. Basically a writer navigating helplessly through the BL industry and learning that everything needs to be mainstream and is not allowed to be very different from the rest. I like this idea very much because as fans of BLs, we only see the things from the outside and can only assume the stuff that's going on behind the scenes. Here we have people who know what they are talking about whom we can use as a ressource. I found new aspects in this show I didn't even think about being a problem with the BL industry. It's just very interesting.

Preview

The previews always promise some heavy developments and I'm really excited to see jealous Gene and also drunk Gene. What will he do and will he be different? I mean, Nubsib is going to move out but I guess in the end, he won't. I don't know, something will happen because when Gene said "you can stay" he looked very sorry. Perhaps Nubsib shows more of himself and I think we all agree that he's probably messed up. He thinks pretending and manipulation leads to love...