#i should maybe specify that he doesn't know aromanticism and asexuality are a thing

[internetgiraffekid1673]

Convinced my queerphobic brother to be less queerphobic and he has NO IDEA!

Okay, I just had a very genuinely entertaining and somewhat uplifting experience as a half closeted aroace. Now while this was a positive experience for me, general trigger warning for queerphobia.

So, one of my brothers (Sandwich God, not J-Dog), who I love very much, is unfortunately an asshole that I constantly wish was a better person and that I cheer along with every time he's able to overcome one of his bigoted beliefs or unhealthy behaviors. He's AuDHD (not related to being an asshole) and frequently has trouble communicating his emotions and ideas, but therapy has made all of us better about it and so most of the time nowadays, when we have conversations, we're actually able to understand and assimilate the other person's perspective (I am so proud of him for the progress he's made and I also regularly want to deck him for the progress he hasn't made. It's a complicated relationship).

One of the ways he is an asshole is that he is rampantly queerphobic. This is the main reason I am half closeted---I am not ready to sacrifice the good rapport we have because he isn't at an accepting point in his life, and I know that the queerphobia is something he can overcome with time and positive exposure. So I can't be publicly out and proud while we live in the same house if I want to have the kind of productive conversations about queerness with him that I am currently having. It's messed up, but so is queerphobia in any form.

So. He doesn't know that I'm aroace. He is aggressively queerphobic and heteronormative and is going on about how he thinks that everybody has a natural drive to get married and have kids by 30.

I offhandedly comment that I think sex is gross (apothisexual here) and that I never want to do it. And he kind of stares at me. You can see the gears turning in his brain as he tries to assimilate this information. He decides it must be something about how our mother (victim of sexual abuse) raised me that makes me like that. I shut that down very quickly by just telling him "Do you know how many sex talks my mom has had with me and how much LESS grossed out by sex that made me?" Which is true by the way! I didn't understand why anyone would want to do it before those talks, especially with all the associated risks. Now I am 100% confident that I don't want to, but the idea that other people want to and do have sex doesn't gross me out at all, just so long as they're not spewing details in front of me.

And he just stares at me in confusion. And he says "Maybe your brain is just broken." I say, "I am confident that it is a me thing and not a thing about how I was raised. I don't ever want to have sex and if I'm still single at 65, I will.be perfectly happy." I go into a few more details to assure him of this: I've never had so much as a fictional crush. I got to have the fun experience of having teenage girl only sleepovers and listening to every other girl rave about the hot boys they want to kiss and just tell them "That's great! I'm so happy for you! Me? No, I don't want to kiss any boys. Or girls. Or anyone."

Now, I am being incredibly entertained by his expressions this whole time. You can tell that his brain is having a war with his misguided belief of "queer people don't actually exist, they're all just deluded" and his factual understanding of what I'm saying. He trusts me, I have no reason to lie, and this absolutely matches up with what he's observed from my behavior.

And finally, he goes. "Huh. I still think you're broken or something, but if you're fine with it, I guess that's okay."

FELLAS! Do ya'll understand that something magical just happened here?! Before this conversation, my brother was one of those queerphobes that saw it as his job to personally inform every queer he sees that they're wrong and need to stop. And in this one conversation, I triggered a paradigm shift from THAT to "I may think they're wrong, but I guess they're happy and they're not hurting anyone, so I should probably leave it alone."

DO YOU GUYS REALIZE WHAT A VICTORY THIS IS? I may not have used the words asexual or aromantic. I may not have made him realize that diversity in how humans experience love is normal and good actually. But I helped him make a big step from actively hurting people to passively bigoted. And being passively bigoted is still bad, don't get me wrong. But it's still so much better than where he was before this talk. I can only hope that a) it sticks and b) I can keep having conversations with him like this where he's able to internally break down those destructive behaviors.

Today was a victory for me personally and for every queer person he'll meet in the future. He's still an asshole. But he is now less of an asshole than he was before, and that's important.