#i say return bc its felt like a million years since they won

[starscelly]

return of the goalie hug

ana@dal 2.6.23

[okamiwind]

writing meme

stolen from my best buddy @lilcrickee

Rules: Go to your published works on AO3 and list the first fic you ever published there, the last fic you published, any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once, your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works, the fic you wish more people read, the fic you agonized over the most, the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort, and a work you are proud of—for whatever reason.

First ever published: you're the prize (i wish i'd won) EXO, kyungsoo/jongin lord almighty, it's almost been six years! how surreal is that. yeah, i had this idea for an enemies to lovers fic while watching parks and recreation. i dont know. it was one of those things that just absolutely compelled me. it's kaisoo bc i was reading a lot of kaisoo before jumping into the fandom. i look back on this one fondly, but i dont think i'm confident enough to reread it. might hurt my feelings lmao

Last fic published: i aim to be your eyes EXO, sehun/junmyeon my fuckin baby!!! still ongoing. probably will finish sometime in 2024. well. Crossing my fingers anyway. it's long and silly, but i love writing it. once i start reading over some part of it, i immediately feel like i need to add more to it. i love writing all the little characters and reading how people think things will end up. i still have yet to decide on the ending, but who knows, maybe i'll sopranos it.

Fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once: the million roads that lead to you MDZS, lan zhan/wei ying wrote this before even watching the live action. definitely not sure how it holds up. will almost certainly never write another fic for this fandom, but it was fun to write regardless!

Favorite fic you wrote in a fandom/ship that has the most works: in the blood haikyuu, keishin/ittetsu had no idea that haikyuu had more fics than any of my other fandoms. so it goes. it was interesting to see that nct has surpassed exo too. cwazy daisies. anyway, i love this fic, i think its kinda my masterpiece for haikyuu. i sometimes want to return to this pairing, but the lack of engagement sours my mood abt it a bit. i love writing it, but i feel like the more i shove it in people's faces, the less likely they are to read lol

Fic you wish more people read: lawyers, guns, and money EXO, sehun/baekhyun i thought this was a great little fic (she says, looking at the novel length word count) and i was really shocked that it didnt get more love. i mean, its fun, it's spacey, it's found family. i still really like a lot of the passages, i think they're very pretty. maybe i'll reread it myself since NO ONE ELSE WILL!

Fic you agonized over the most: chronos-826 EXO, sehun/junmyeon i can hardly remember the way this fest was run, but lord, i remember being irked. like there was noooo communication if you weren't on the discord, and i was like jeez, i know it said you could join but i didnt know it would be MANDATORY if you wanted information about the event lol. but yeah. despite all that, i really enjoyed writing this. and by enjoyed, i mean went insane. literally i felt like i was going crazy throughout the majority of it, and while the finished product is a lot different from what i had envisioned (something more along the lines of House of Leaves with that element of interactivity.... sigh) im still proud of what i managed to produce

Fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort: pilgrimage EXO, sehun/baekhyun yeah this fic was just so weird and like. Fantastical. it felt like it was dropped from god's hands into my brain. like i sat there and wrote the first 10k almost in a Flow state, didn't touch it for months, and then just banged out the rest like it was nothing. i doubt anything will ever come so easily to me ever again, but yeah. what a time to be alive!

Work you are proud of—for whatever reason: i write to you from the road and the red king's consort BOTW/TOTK, sidon/link i just think these are some really nice examples of my writing. idk. like i think they accomplish what they seek to accomplish, i think they're stylish and pretty, i think they have a lot of earned emotional weight to them. Just some nice fics by me imo. anyway. that's it.

anyone who follows me is free to follow in my meme-ing footsteps but i would like to tag @fff777 and @deepbutdazzlingdarkness to see their answers as well :3

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ I wanna go back to when I was young.

date: june 27, 2017 ~7pm kst location: unnamed music store word count: 1,153 summary: ash is sad a lot and will probably end up marrying a guitar one day. notes: don’t read this, it’s terrible and serves very little narrative purpose, but i was struggling with ash’s head space when i wrote this like a week ago so this happened and i’m not wasting 1000+ words. title credit to the english translation of loser by big bang.

a baseball cap of some american team he couldn’t care less about on his head, an oversized black hoodie, and a dark face mask pulled tight across his face. the outfit that’s practically become a uniform for ash in the past five years feels out of place as he walks into the nearly empty store. only two other people occupy the small space, both of whom he can see from the doorway. he’s greeted by one, an older woman whose name he somehow remembers to be hee-sun, though he doubts she recognizes him at all.

a polite bow, a returned greeting. the woman turns her attention away from him just as quickly as she had turned it to him, more interested in sorting through the pile of pages at her side than what he’s doing. it’s a welcome change from the second looks he generally garners.

ash hasn’t been here since 2012, shortly before knight debuted, but he’d visited more times than he could count during his trainee days. not much has changed inside the store in the five years since then. it was easy to ignore the newer guitar models on the wall and the way the tacky paint color of the walls hadn’t aged well. for a few moments, he’s able pretend he’s still the isolated but hopeful boy that was a few centimeters shorter and several kilograms heavier and nothing but another bc entertainment trainee wondering if debut would ever come.

it’s strange how comforting the thought is. when he’d been a trainee, it had felt like debuting would solve every last one of his problems. and it had solved some of them. he’d become more confident in speaking. he’d found the friends he’d longed for in his fellow members, the eleven others offering a support system he’d been deprived of before. screaming fans encouraged him to work harder, to become better for them.

but that doesn’t stop ash from wanting to bring back a version of him that had existed before any of that happened. a him that could still step away before the world had become determined to pry the joy from his grasping fingers. a him that had somehow remained hopeful through his difficulties instead of being crushed underneath them.

eyes scanning the back wall, ash considers the instruments in front of him. electric guitars in bright red and blues and yellows, and further down, high-end acoustic guitars. at fifteen, he’d made a promise to himself if he ever debuted, he’d come back and buy himself one of the martin acoustics that he had spent many a trip ogling. it was a promise he hadn’t kept. life after debut was busy and he’d forgotten about the music shop in hongdae that had once been his safe haven.

funny how his feet have led him back almost without him realizing it five years later.

the martins are displayed together, only a few available for purchase. the store owner probably doesn’t want to display guitars upwards of ten million won (ten thousand dollars) to be stolen when the store already seemed to be on its last leg. one in particular catches ash’s eye: a light spruce-topped instrument. he recalls one very similar to it that he’d convinced the store owner to let him test out once. it’d taken some persuading for her to hand over a guitar worth a couple of thousand dollars to a fifteen year old and trust he knew enough not to break it, but through his imperfect korean and as a result of some strategically-placed puppy dog eyes, she’d relented.

in the years since, ash had played guitars worth more or made better, but the way the strings had vibrated under his touch and the momentary peace he’d felt with it in his hands hadn’t vanished from ash’s memory. it had been a tough day of practice; his voice teacher had endlessly critiqued his tone and his dance teacher had moved him from his usual spot and his korean teacher had berated him for still struggling with formalities. but sitting down with that guitar and playing it for a few minutes had reminded him why he was enduring it. nothing would ever bring him the same euphoria that making music did.

and yet, without a doubt in his mind, ash knows doing the same thing wouldn’t work now. he doesn’t even bother to call someone over to inquire about the instrument. he can read the price tag hovering off of it and despite it being well into the millions of won, ash is well aware that the price isn’t what is stopping him. for all that his nostalgia clouds his mind, he can’t bring himself to buy the guitar. the promise he’d made himself holds little weight now. it’d been made when the pressure of sadness over his whole body was a passing inconvenience instead of a constant, suffocating presence. 

a new promise might be more effective, one that says he’ll come back and buy it when he’s free from his contract from bc entertainment.

the sudden need to leave rushes over ash and he rips his eyes away from their fixation. his brief fantasy is over and he can feel the frequent vibrations in his pocket that remind him of his reality. he isn’t bc trainee ashton kwon, he’s top idol taeyong of knight and the texts coming into his phone are surely from his manager or from people (friends, acquaintances, those he’d barely call either) who have read the article that had been released earlier in the day.

‘are you okay?’

‘again?’

‘i know the article isn’t true. stay strong.’

‘where are you?’

ash knows what the messages will say without opening them.

he reaches into his pocket and holds down the button to power off his phone.

with his momentary reminiscing brought to an end, ash turns on his heel, giving another polite bow of his head in the store owner’s direction. she doesn’t appear to notice and ash finds it doesn’t bother him. in fact, he’s comforted by the fact she had no interest in his presence.

as ash passes a rack of sheet music on his way out of the store, he’s unable to keep his eyes from scanning the selection, curious about what is offered, what people are coming in to buy when they can find everything online nowadays. ash’s eyes fall on a sheet at the front, crisp and displayed neatly with a price. 

‘monster - knight’ reads the top of the page of music.

unexpectedly, a laugh starts to bubble its way out of ash’s chest, but he swallows the emotion down before it can be released, an all too familiar sensation for him.

instantly, a numbness creeps into his body and he tugs his hat down a little lower, training his eyes on the ground as he pushes the door open and steps onto the sidewalk.