#i say even bc basically he's one of the few gusy i've been friends with lmao

[bunnihearted]

i hate myself for fucking up the only chance i've ever had. when i was 15, there was a guy who liked me. he showed it clearly, and my so called friends at the time even said "u know he has a crush on u right"? i never believe anyone likes me, bc why would anyone, but im certain of the fact that he liked me. we even hung out, talked on the phone for hours and texted all the time. he knew me irl so he obvi knew what i look like and he still liked me. and the kicker, i also liked him. so much. i wanted to let him tell me and i wanted to show him i liked him back. but it was at the time when i didnt know i had avpd, so i was completely defenseless to my brain. i avoided him, and the feelings, and ofc, we quickly drifted apart. i fucked it up. and i hate myself bc 1) im an aquired taste and this is the only time anyone has ever liked me romantically. i wont have another chance. 2) i actually liked him, and he liked me. i could've had something with him. i could've had it. i feel like we were so compatible too. if only i hadnt been so scared, if only i hadnt felt such strong nausea bc i cant understand how anyone could ever like me. if only i hadnt pushed him away. if only he had directly told me he liked me so i couldnt have ignored it. this is the one thing i regret so much, i so badly wish i had done differently. for so many reasons. i could've been someone who was wanted, i could've known what sex with someone i liked was like, i could've had experienced closeness and intimacity. to like and be liked. love cant save you, no. but i dont need to be saved i need to have a connection with someone. also... he was so different. he didnt fit in either. we fit together. anyway... he's gone. i cant contact him now even if i wanted to. i think he felt disappointed that i pushed him away and ignored him, bc shortly after he was completely closed off when i tried to contact him again and say sorry... i understand tho. i just wished i hadnt fucked it up.