#i saw the panel where jon figures out that everyone is scared and just

[introspectivememories]

jon kent is so fucking funny. he sees a dictator and is like "is anyone gonna overthrow that?" and then just doesn't wait for answer

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Listening to 2007 episodes of Russell Howard and Jon Richardson’s radio show and just heard Russell casually drop the fact that the last time he remembers being truly happy when he was sledding with his brother at age 8. Didn’t say it as a joke, either. He was sort of looking for validation on it, like, “You know that relatable thing where as an adult you can be pleased about things but you never feel truly happy the way you did as a child?”

And then they just moved on and talked about other shit like he hadn’t said that. What? No, I don’t know about that thing. That’s not a thing. Jesus. When Jon says incredibly depressing stuff, I can at least hear it with a silver lining because I know that he changed a lot of the things that made him so miserable back then. Since 2007, he got the television career he wanted and became a very successful comedian, met and married an absolutely wonderful woman, had a kid, and got some therapy for OCD. While Russell has pretty much just upgraded the stuff he already had in 2007. Went from being a pretty successful stand-up comedian and person who appeared on panel shows to a world-famous stand-up comedian with his own successful television shows. Married a woman he’d already dated by 2007. If none of those things had ever made him happy by 2007 then he has lived the wrong life. Russell. Honey. You don’t have to do any of this. Go learn to paint or some shit.

Russell talks sometimes in his stand-up about how childhood is this incredibly innocent time with no worries. He has this really funny bit about how little kids are into custard and jumping and spinning around and that is all that’s in their lives. And that makes me laugh, but it also makes me feel vaguely resentful in the way that I sometimes feel vaguely resentful when someone I know talks about relatable stuff like “remember middle school when we just had sleepovers with our friends and didn’t worry about stuff?” (Please note that I am very much aware that there are literally billions of people in the world who could be justifiably resentful of me for the fact that I grew up in a home with no violence in it and a family that didn’t struggle financially.)

No I do not remember that. I had a few friends when I was very young, when I was seven I moved cities and never made friends again until I was fourteen. When I think about childhood I remember being scared and sad all the time, filling pages and pages and pages of journals with questions about why I was different from other kids, why they all seemed to know how to live normally but I didn’t, why I couldn’t make friends. I knew all the best hiding spots in my elementary school and my middle school so I could go there during free time instead of having to try to figure out how to act around other kids. I used to draw maps of the playground, write down social interactions I saw around me, try to find crack some code that I was convinced would give me access to the same set of instructions everyone else had about how to function socially.

When I was really young, like under six, I used to lie awake for hours every night imagining myself and people I knew getting sick and dying, convinced that if I didn’t do everything exactly right then it would happen and be all my fault. Then during the days I’d lose so much time to lining things up in the correct order, touching things around me the right number of times, repeating the correct phrases, sure that if I got those things wrong I’d kill my family. The fact that I spent recess organizing rocks and sticks on the playground and talking to myself would be one reason among many for the lack of friends. Oh, and I also did not know what clinical depression was, so I spent most of my childhood assuming that my mom cried all the time because I made her sad, and when family friends had to take care of my brother and I because my dad was at work and my mom couldn’t get out of bed, that was because I was a terrible child and taking care of me was too hard for her.

Then I grew up. Now I don’t spend all my time wondering what’s wrong with me, because I have names for things like anxiety and OCD and Asperger’s Syndrome. I also have medication and coping strategies to treat the most negative effects of those things. I found something I’m passionate about, and through that I found a community and friends I love. After high school I learned that I was allowed to choose how I spend my time. It’s okay if I’m not great at fitting in with normal people; I can hang out with non-normal people and do what I love. I dedicate most of my time and effort into something I find incredibly rewarding. Something that makes me very happy.

Obviously that’s a huge oversimplification; I do have some happy memories from childhood and life is far from all sunshine and rainbows as an adult. But Russell didn’t say he’s disappointed that life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows as an adult. He said he finds it vaguely disappointing that that feeling of being really, truly happy – the feeling he got as a kid – doesn’t ever happen anymore as an adult. That was his quirky contribution to “Am I normal?”

No, that is not normal! The ability to sometimes feel truly happy is not something you’re supposed to outgrow. If nothing in your life ever makes you as happy as you were as a kid, then find some new stuff in your life! Go learn to paint or some shit! (“Go learn to paint or some shit” is a bit of an old reference by now, but if anyone gets that reference then hats off for having excellent taste in internet things.)

I am making this post because somehow Russell was able to casually mention the known fact that true happiness stops occurring after childhood, and no one replied, “What the fuck are you talking about?” Just making sure that anyone reading this knows you’re supposed to be able to feel very happy sometimes and if you don’t have that ability then don’t just assume that’s how life is as an adult. Get a therapist. Learn to paint. Skydive. Whatever. Try shit until something makes you feel the way you did when you when sledding at age 8.

Anyway, I no longer feel jealous of the fact that Russell Howard apparently looks back on childhood and sees nothing but happily spinning around and sledding. But I do remain grateful for the fact that, no matter how bad things get in my life as an adult, at least I’m not in fucking middle school anymore.