#i saw a random post on instagram and now i'm going down the overthinking my ex relationship path again

[myatlantispoets]

Someone kill me

[femcel-interruped]

A Change

5/26/24 9:03PM

I created this blog dedicated to the ideal "boysober era" as they call it on TikTok. I found that during this time of daily blogging about being a lonely 21 year old girl made me feel worse in a way. I was dwelling. Meanwhile, I was being dismissive to men that seemed nice and wanted to get to know me. So I dropped this whole boysober blog thing for about a month and decided to let whatever happen, happen. I met someone, hung out a few times, then got friend-zoned. My ex who I lived with and I decided to cease communication indefinitely. Nothing bad happened, it was just time to let go. I went to California and hung out with a friend from home who now lives there and I developed a huge crush (that seemed reciprocated) on his roommate. The roommate ended up having a girlfriend who he did not mention once. I've been grieving that small instance as that same situation has happened before and it was extremely painful. But through this pain I have been actively rejecting my own common toxic coping habits that 100% of the time prolong my suffering. It is like ripping out teeth, especially for an anxiously attached hopeless romantic who overthinks everything. It has gotten to the point where I have thought more about this person than I've actually have had interactions with, and that's where I found a wound to patch up. This is just an example, but what I'm trying to say is-

If you are suffering emotionally from something you have conjured, find the parts that hurt and pay mind to it. Ask it why it's hurting, and no matter the answer, patch it up. In other words, replace the needle in the haystack that causes the huge ripple effect. Replace the coping mechanism that makes it worse for you with something more logical. The more honest you are with yourself, the clearer life and situations get. This is where I want to take this blog. I want to discuss more daily life emotional turmoil and how to better cope as I am also learning as a young adult woman living at home while taking years to get through college.

I think the most frustrating part of this time in your life (assuming you are also a lost young woman) is knowing that you have had it better before, and it feels like you are in a constant decline. I watch past memories of myself and I feel jealousy towards her because she has no idea how good she has it. She had bigger artistic aspirations, she had great romantic partners who were devoted to her, she was not worried about what she was going to do to fill in the day tomorrow to make it bearable, like she's working towards something at all. I have been feeling really aimless for awhile since I got home in December. My life was flipped upside down and I feel like I never fully got back on my feet in terms of direction in life. It's been six months and I am tired. I took a break from school which helped me learn a ton about myself as a human and how to take care of my brain better, but it also made things worse because I have had no structure, no purpose to my days. It looks really easy. No school, just work at the movie theater sometimes, live at home for free with home cooked meals, etc. I am a very lucky and privileged person to have all these things, but it does not create a fulfilled life. I am empty. I feel meaningless. I always felt I had a place in the world, a big one. I always took up so much space and was so loud with my existence because I believed in myself. I don't have that anymore. I spend my days posting random things on instagram and checking to see if one person saw it. I sit in this bed, maybe I'll spend too much money on a coffee I won't finish, and I overthink the entire day because I have way too much time on my hands.

I desperately need to sort out my life. I have discovered that we never stop thinking "I need to get my shit together." That can feel daunting or comforting depending on where you're at mentally. I find aging to be both of those things. I am so very young, but I've been listening heavily to the older women giving advice to younger generations. I think we shut them out too much. Older women who have welcomed aging mentally and physically are so valuable, yet we think that they are useless to us. We think they don't understand us, but you have to put that generational gap aside. One thing I have learned from studying philosophy is that a majority of the human experience is shared throughout centuries. Past generations understand the same circumstances that we all face in their own ways. It's important to listen to all of their stories with an open mind. Like they say in tarot card readings, "take what resonates, leave what doesn't." They have had their own unique experiences just like you, but it's all related. Have a conversation about your troubles with someone older, it will give you clarity and comfort that none of this is new.

Absolutely nothing about what you are going through is new in this universe. Take solace in that.