#i said to myself i'd post more of my writing goddamnit

[shylikethat]

— excerpt from my current wip, do not go gentle

[therealvinelle]

Do you or muffin have any advice on starting a meta blog? I'd really like to post some of my analysis of midnight sun, but I am struggling to figure out what to start with

I’m not sure we’re really the people to ask since neither of us intended to. @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin had been forced to start a tumblr since someone was using the same pen name as her on here, and she wanted to avoid confusion. (This is why her main is “theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin” and not simply thecarnivorousmuffin, since that was taken already)

So now there she is, stuck with a tumblr and posting about writing things when anon out of the blue asks her thoughts about Jacob Potter. More anons came after that until she said “goddamnit I’m making a side blog for this - @thecarnivorousmuffinmeta .)

Me, I didn’t want to have a writing tumblr because I felt those were somehow presumptuous to have, “oh you have a writing tumblr for your fanfic, guess you think you’re big fish on Ao3 huh” - me, unable not to think this about myself even though I thought it about literally no writing tumblrs. However, my fic Nebuchadnezzar’s Dream wound up being full of barely disguised meta that readers would discuss with me in the comments, and when it got to the point that I was DM-ing with readers on my main and having multiple people ask the same question I finally decided to just make the damn writing tumblr.

Which has been a meta blog where anons every so often go “you write fanfiction?!” ever since.

All of this to say, just go for it anon, make the blog and start writing posts.

If you want tips, my best ones are these:

Have good grammar and easily digested posts (use headlines, be concise, don’t repeat yourself and try to have one point per meta. It’s better to have three post that reference each other than one fuckoff length meta)

Organize your blog (tag all metas so people can easily find them, tag characters that appear in the post so people can search by posts about Edward Cullen, and so on. A masterpost is a very good idea.)

When composing a meta: choose a point you're trying to make with the post, and make it as well as you can (perhaps a no-brainer, but it's still a good way of getting started.)

[bubsub69]

Entry 22

10/10/2023 00:20

I dont understand, I finally have someone, why am i not feeling different, I thought I'd at least feel something from having a goddess but it just feels fake, it feels like I'm faking it, like shes faking it why cant I just be happy with it. Im probably overreacting, these things are about trust and after having so so many people asking for money I dont feel like i can trust anyone. When she first started talking to me I answered her questions on autopilot, I didnt care about anything, it was just like i was filling a form, I had other people approach then ask for money on discord hours before she contacted me, how was i suposed to know she was gonna be the one that didnt require them, and thats the thing she said:

So just to be clear between us. I won't be asking you to pay tribute probably because you're in college.but that doesn't mean you shouldn't show your mistress appreciation out if your own free will whenever your mistress deserve to be gifted. Hope we're clear on that. I don't do findom.

So does she expect me to pay at some point? is that her plan? play the long game have me hooked to her so i cant refuse paying her or i risk losing her? I havent received any verification from her either which isnt helping especially since ive sent pictures to her, and she refused a videocall for me to lock myself because I "hadnt earned it", she also found me im assuming from the chaster server but shes never posted there before, fuck writing this is making me distrust her more and more. Shes trying to get to know me she… might be doing it so i get feelings for her and pay up.. GOD DAMN MY FUCKING INSECURITY WHY CANT I JUST TRUST HER. I'd rather be happy now and cry later than be miserable now and cry later anyway if she ordered me to pay.

I dont even know if she enjoys this, she has multiple servants so that doesnt help.. she takes a long time to reply. while she isnt really the degrading type, actually shes been calling me good girl a lot but that just feels hollow.. maybe i should try to ask to be called good boy, that sounds a lot better in my head, but shes into feminization and sissification what if she doesnt agree or stops liking me because of it, i need to talk to her about this were suposed to be honest to each other but im so scared of her losing interest in me i dont know if i should tell her goddamnit im such a piece of shit to her. im not even being honest about her being the only one cause im also kinda doing a chaster session, but that ends when the timer runs out but still im being dishonest with her, the one fucking requirement in a healthy relationship and i cant even give that to her, i was right before i dont deserve to be in a relationship, im not mature enough for it, if i cant even give her honesty, nor can i trust her, nor feel anything when i do submissive tasks. Im such a piece of shit.

School has been troubling as well, the theory classes are so soul crushingly boring, i just delivered my first project that came out like shit cause i was incapable of working on it and procastinated for 90% of the time, this whole year ive been struggling to work or study in anyway while home im gonna be fucked arent i

So much for happy entries.. i wasnt even happy when i wrote it yesterday just mildly hopeful, i hope this changes soon, please let me be happy with her, plese.. let me forget about D as well Im so sick of being stuck thinking about someone that doesnt care about me. I wish i at least lived close to the new goddess so i could at least entertain the ideia of meeting up and cuddling or something, god that would be nice

[purplehoodiesimon]

14 and 23 💜💜

14. What's your most 'underrated' work?

Oh that's a difficult question. Tbh I don't really think of any of my work as underrated. All my shit gets the amount of engagement I expect, and a lot of times even more than I thought it would. Like my draconic Wille oneshot, for instance, has 36 kudos and 358 hits. I was expecting way less than that because it's such a weird little story. Completely self indulgent, I like dragons and I like conlangs and I like fantasy and goddamnit I'm turning the gay teen drama show into a weird little fantasy oneshot that makes sense to absolutely no one but myself. And then some people actually read it and liked it and that's wild, I was expecting like maybe 10 kudos if that. My little non-verbal autistic Wille oneshot? Kudos: 236 Bookmarks: 22 Hits: 2007. I can't believe it's had that much engagement. So, idk what my most underrated work is. Tbh a lot of it seems overrated lol. Not because I'm bad at writing or anything, but a lot of my work tends to be the really niche little ideas, because those are the kinds of fics I read, I go for the niche shit, and when you're existing in a niche, not a lot of people hang out there with you.

All that being said, I'm gonna say more people should read iridescent rainbow. Because like. Butterflies, man. Post-it notes. Romance and finding yourself. It's a fun story y'all. And I'm proud of it and want to promote it like every chance I get.

23. Least favourite part about writing fanfiction?

I don't have a least favorite part about it. I do this because I love it. There's things about my writing that I'd improve yea, but it's not like it's my least favorite thing about it. I can't think of anything about writing fanfiction that I don't love wholeheartedly.

Tippy tappy is hard today so send me asks about my tippy tapping

[gatheringbones]

if you're so inclined, could you talk about manipulating that disgust/revulsion response in your audience more? your posts about the way that response is used in border/confessions of the fox vs in It have been bouncing around my head for months now and I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on it - particularly relating to your own writing process/advice? which has been incredibly helpful for rethinking a lot of the negativity in my own writing process so thank you btw

Revulsion is powerful, and most people obey its directives without giving it a second thought, which is why it can be an incredibly powerful tool in your arsenal when used correctly. Revulsion also plays a huge unspoken role in how people internalize and navigate a lot of queer concepts and terminology, and like I said before, a lot of people obey revulsion's directives in their interactions with the community without examining where those directives come from. 

I didn't come out as a lesbian thinking butch and trans and other gender non-conforming people were beautiful; I emerged from my family environment and dominant culture hating how much my appearance and sexuality failed my standards of gender and I projected that hatred outwards in all directions. Identifying gender-aberrant flaws and gushing about them between each other was how the people in my family reassured ourselves that at least we knew the difference, that we knew how to portray gender and presentation correctly, and everyone who failed those standards was pathetic, deluded, or worst of all: trying too hard. Feeling repulsed by someone's appearance, for whatever reason, had a ready-made response programmed into my brain since earliest childhood; it was wrong, it was shameful, it was a chicken with a spot of red paint on it that all us other chickens would promptly peck to death. It's a trap. 

It isolates you, and it's a weapon you think only turns outward, but that's not how it works. I came out ten years ago, but I've written before about how long it took me to take even the smallest baby steps out of my comfort zone and my mostly straight social circle, and how long it took me to start to learn even the smallest amount without thoroughly distracting myself by sorting every last shred of gay culture into the GOOD/BAD category as soon as I encountered it. Hannah Gadsby described me perfectly; I had a child's mind steeped in shame from the moment it was born and looking back at those early years all I can see is how bottomless my internalized homophobia really was.  

Going to the lesbian book club helped enormously: I could read a book and deride the entire thing as repulsive incoherent trash, and then I would sit through a group of twenty adults who would gently and joyfully pick the book apart between each other over two hours and in doing so expose every single one of my blind spots one after another. My automatic responses to things that triggered my (unexamined, surface level, deeply prejudicial) thoughts on power, sexuality, and gender were terrible guides to the books we were reading, and thank god I kept attending long enough to notice it. I needed better guides; I didn't know what they would be, but I knew I was on the wrong track where I was. I was missing too much information; information that made the smarter and older people in my community get so excited and happy when they got a chance to talk about it with each other. For the first time I realized how much of an island my prissiness and prickliness and purity had put me on (and how easily everyone in that room could see through it, sigh) and all I wanted to do was start building a raft. 

Did it go away? Not at first, and not quickly; I didn't much like Confessions of the Fox the first time I read it, but I didn't like Dagger: On Butch Women either, or Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme. I had a very hard time with Rae Spoon's chapters in Gender Failure, and the Sex, Lies, and Penetration essay in the Persistent Desire, and now, christ, all of those works have combined to form what feels like the bedrock of my identity. I couldn't read the smut books I love so much five years ago; everything about them would have tripped too many alarm bells in my head labeled "CHEESY" or "BAD" that were really just code for "GAY." My skin crawled with every piece of wreckage or palm tree I added to my raft, but that was just a response like any other, neither more interesting or important than any others. Emotional responses are information, not commands, and I knew the difference by now. I got over it, with the side effect that I now have great sympathy for people still stuck in the same cringing territories I was, but very little patience. 

But as for using it in your writing:

Confessions of the Fox is master level, so's Border. 

Beginner's level? good old gross Stephen King. 

He often uses the dumbest laziest shorthand for it, but apart from the times when he's accidentally inciting revulsion (every time he writes about a pre-pubescent girl, for example), he's very deliberate about when and where he uses it. Revulsion is tension, it moves you away from an element, depending on how well he sets his hooks in you he can control which direction you go. 

How do you feel about Franny from the Stand after her first few chapters of putting up with Harold? How does Bobby Garfield feel about his mother's boss? How does his mother feel about Ted? How dangerous does the incunk from Lisey's Story seem when compared to the Long Boy during their encounter? How about Norman Daniels and Rose Madder? How determined must Jessie from Gerald's Game be to do that to her wrist? Why is Pennywise in the sewer, and how brave do you have to be to go down there? 

How do the many consensual rituals of sacred fluids in Confessions of the Fox compare with the rituals they uncover in the hold of the ship? What does that say? Tina can't stand up to anyone in the entire movie until they suddenly shout down Vore; why, what drives them, why is it so powerful? 

Revulsion is a tool, a smokescreen, a red flag you wave in front of a bull before sinking one more dart into its shoulder while it charges past. It's how you trick people, but it's also how you contextualize and contrast various story elements; watching a character put up with a revolting situation admirably makes them seem sympathetic or brave. Conversely, uncritically employing repulsive tropes (sexy children, magical Black people, magical people with Downs Syndrome, goddamnit steve) will cut the legs out from under your writing when you need them most. 

[beesloosewithcanon]

Loved the korrasami October fic! 👏👏👏 Exactly what I wanted! Although, I'd no idea there was such thing as a bikini barista… that's such a crazy concept to me.

I’m so glad you liked it, Nonny!! It was a hoot to write. :) And I had no idea it was a thing until I moved to the current state I live in. Which reminds me...

STORY TIME - when I first moved here, I really wanted coffee but kept seeing stands with names like “Maxum Girls,” or “Cowgirl Coffee” and all of their signage had the big busted silhouetted side view of women (like you see on tacky mud flaps on trucks so jacked up that you need a step stool to get into them). Anyway, I thought they looked fishy and asked my married friends who I was staying with at the time while I did the job and apartment hunt thing, who I had also known since middle school, and they just laughed at me and told me that they were Bikini Barista stands and explained that the baristas just wear bikinis but other than that, it was your typical coffee stand. 

Fast forward a week or so and the husband and I are sitting on the couch watching Legend of Korra (because he’d never seen it before, his wife had gone to sleep, and it was something quiet we could do after midnight) and he got stealth drunk on me. We’d gone to the store earlier and he’d gotten a large bottle of rum (it wasn’t until the next morning that I saw he’d consumed half the bottle) and had apparently just been adding more and more rum to his glass of soda. I don’t drink so I didn’t even notice. Anyway - I’m not sure what scene caused it but he looked at me and made a grab for my arm and told me “You gotta follow you dream, man.” I just blinked at him, wondering what the hell he meant. He then went on, “Y’know? You gotta go to that bikini barista stand and get that coffee. Fuck, coffee sounds good right now.” And that’s when it hit me he was wasted. I laughed at him and told him if he remembered the conversation in the morning, we’d go and get coffee at the stand.

Now, it’s not that I’m a prude or that I’m against bikini baristas. I’m a full believer that women can do whatever with their body and if that makes them an extra buck, fuck yes for them! I support it 100%. The reason I personally didn’t want to go to a bikini barista stand is because I’m a fumbling mess of a fool in front of practically naked women I don’t know. I had also chosen to stay single for over two years at that point and just the idea of seeing a naked woman made me flustered. (I’m also the type who doesn’t go to strip clubs or watch porn, because it just overwhelms me.) Normally, when I meet people, I’m perfectly fine, as I’m extroverted and relatively successful with my dating life. The girls I go for are usually into the fact that I’m a confident person. So I’m not used to feeling flustered around women, but I knew myself enough to know that women in barely anything who I didn’t know would make me sexually uncomfortable, because I would feel bad for feeling attracted to them while they were just trying to work. My brain is a weird space and I’ve come to terms with it. 

ANYWAY - The next morning rolled around and my friend was dead to the world, sleeping off his hangover. His wife was working and I texted her to ask her what good hangover cures work for him and she said just get him coffee and all will be fine. I laughed nervously but swore there was no way he would remember the conversation last night. We’d just go get coffee someplace normal.

He rolled out of bed at like 2:30 in the afternoon and he found me playing Overwatch on my laptop at their kitchen table, after having spent the morning submitting job applications and making calls about apartments. He gave me a big hug from behind and asked “Are you ready to follow your dreeaams?” I groaned at him and he told me that he remembered everything from last night crystal clear and that I wasn’t getting out of this. So I puttered around the house for as long as possible before he literally dragged me to the car. But he was still hungover and asked me drive.

When we pulled up to the coffee stand, I wasn’t at all prepared for just how little the woman was wearing. In the story I posted, I said it was string with three minuscule triangles. That wasn’t an exaggeration. And it definitely wasn't a regular bikini that I had been super prepared to see. There were even signs about no pictures and no showing “dogs” unless they were furry and four legged (meaning don’t show the barista’s your dick please and thanks). I IMMEDIATELY went beet red, forgot what my drink order was (and my name and any relevant information) and just stammered, doing everything I could not to stare at the gorgeous, practically naked woman who was about to make me coffee. My friend laughed from the passenger seat, ordered for us both, and then asked me my thoughts. And I legitimately turned to look out the back window of my car and commented on how pretty the clouds looked and how green the pot shop next to the coffee stand was and then rambled on and on about how every pot shop I’d seen so far had been some shade of green while looking everywhere EXCEPT out my driver side window, where the barista was working. I could not form intelligible thoughts or sentences and had a blush that had taken over my entire face, neck, and probably chest. And my friend was laughing so hard that he had legitimate tears in his eyes. 

The barista was super sweet and definitely could tell that I was not only a raging lesbian, but that I was uncomfortable. She stopped leaning out the window and stopped intentionally putting her body on display, but rather relaxed and simply talked with us about our plans for the day and we made pleasant conversation from there, though I still couldn’t bring myself to look at her fully. Eventually she handed us our drinks, my friend paid and tipped her quite generously for having to put up with me and then we went home. 

When I took a sip of the drink, I immediately yelled “Goddamnit why does this have to be the best fucking coffee I’ve had since moving here?!” and my friend just laughed at me.

Sooo that’s how I learned about bikini barista stands. 

[rogue-barnes-16]

THE PLUS ONE

Summary: Rumors about Gwilym's love life are all over Internet but he always refused to disclose anything. However, after a year of a good and healthy relationship, he decides it's time for the world to know Y/n.

Request: All right doll, Could you write some Blake Shelton or/& Gwilym Lee fanfic for me, it would be awesome!! Love you and your work both of you are amazing 😉😻🌚💦

Pairing: Gwilym Lee x Reader

Genre: fluff

Tags:

Requested by: @marvelieber-rdjr01

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @sinviix @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack @butifulsoul125 @unlikelygalaxygiver

Warnings: a tiny bit of swearing, ofc!Evangeline

A/N: Idk why it's taking me so much time to write, I apologize. It never happened before, I guess I've been a while without writing. If you sent me a request, don't worry, I'll post it as soon as possible. About this request, it was really special, so I put extra effort on it. I hope you enjoy <3.

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist

"Darlin'!" my friend called the barman attention by hitting the surface of the barcounter. "my friend wants a martini and..." she gave me a knowing smirk before leaning over the counter. "I want your number."

"what the hell Eva?" I hissed, not able to hold back a chuckle. She shrugged, mouthing a confused 'what now', and I turned to the barman. "she'll have wine. Just wine" I remarked.

The boy on the other side of the barcounter nodded whilst chuckling and served us what we had ordered.

"I mean, I didn't think it'd work but okay"

"yeah, sure" I teased her, nursing my cup. "anyways- what are you doing now?" I asked while she turned her stool to face the people behind us, sitting in the booths. "Eva?"

She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before actually speaking. "So there's that cute blond boy-" she was cut off by my snort, which made her nudge me. "no, listen. There's that cute blond boy and there's that handsome man staring at you shamelessly."

"wait what?" I hesitantly spun my own stool, following my friend's line of sight until my eyes met with a pair of blue ones which belonged to a tall, slim man staring at me. "shit" I muttered, rapidly coming back to my initial position. "he's hot"

"He's your type." my friend stated whilst sipping her wine. "aw now he's all bashful" she updated me, letting out a laugh. "he's no longer looking, I think he saw you staring"

"bitch" I called her, refraining the temptation of looking at the man once again. "he saw you staring"

"go talk with him" she whispered, resting her back and elbows against the edge of the counter. "he seems shy all from sudden."

"I'm-" this time, I did turn around to check on him once again, and damn, he was attractive as hell. "-not gonna do that."

"Y/n are you kidding me right now?" Eva asked rhetorically. "it's not the moment to be shy." she waited a few seconds for me to move, but when I didn't, she took the matter in her own hands.

"Eva-" I tried to stop her but she was soon walking towards the two men across the pub. "fuck"

I followed her form until she reached them, and then my eyes came back once again to the tall man, making me miss completely the way Eva pointed at me.

It was only when the mysterious man started to make his way towards me, that I realized what had just happened.

Before I had time to kill my friend, who now seemed to be very interested in whatever the blond boy was saying, the man was standing in front of me. "hey there, I'm Gwilym"

"Uh hi. Y/n" I replied, giving him an involuntary smile.

"Your... friend, I suppose?" he questioned, trying to hide his nervousness. "suggested me to buy you a drink instead of..."

"...of staring at me?" I guessed, raising my eyebrows at him, the ghost of a smirk forming on my lips when he nodded sheepishly.

"But, since you already have a drink" he shoved his hands in his pockets, taking a peek at the improvised dance floor in the middle of the pub. "do you want to dance?"

"I mean-" I opened and closed my mouth, meditating my answer. "I'm terrible at dancing."

"me too" he shrugged with a sweet smile dancing on his lips. "but it'll be funny, and if you get bored, I can walk you home" he added, extending his hand to me.

"such a gentleman" I stated, taking his hand, at first just to climb off the stool. However, he intertwined our fingers and leaded me to the middle dance floor, just in time to dance a slow song. "after all, I might not step on your feet."

"lucky me" he replied with a hint of humor in his voice, right before resting one of his hands on my waist while the other held one of my own.

We stayed like that for a long while, lightly swinging at the peaceful rhythm of the melody playing on the pub, lost in each other's eyes.

One Year Later

I was sat in my couch, wrapped in blankets and watching The Diary of Bridget Jones, when I heard my main door opening. "I'm in the living room!" I yelled, guessing it was Evangeline.

"Y/n, love!" my eyes opened widely at the sound of Gwilym's voice. "I'm home!"

"wha- how-" I attempted to move from the couch but it turned out to be almost impossible due to the amount of fabric wrapped around me. "I thought you were on press tour still"

"I am" he replied, walking towards me to kneel before the couch where I was. "but I missed you" I beamed at him, and a second later, he had leaned in to place a tender kiss on my lips "and I wanted to give you a surprise"

"awe" my hands left their cozy haven, recently found in the blankets, to hold both of his cheeks and bring him into another kiss, even though if this time we couldn't stop smiling. "I want more surprises like this one"

He then pulled away from me, holding both of my hands with his. "in that case" a mischievous grin made its way to his lips. "I might have another one" I raised my eyebrows, prompting him to tell me what he was up to. "we- the boys and I- were offered the possibility of taking a plus one with us to the Oscars"

I opened my mouth in agape, not because I had the chance to go to the Oscars —I would fangirl about that later—, but because he was offering me to go with him as his plus one.

"Gwilym" a wave of insecurities visibly washed over him the moment I said his name. "okay, first of all, come here" I pulled him up to sit besides me on the couch, and once he was there, rested my side against the backrest to face him. "I'd love to go." I assured him.

He sighed, a somehow sad smile twisting up the corner of his lips. "but?"

"are you sure you want us to be public?" I asked him softly. "because if you're doing this for me, you don't have to" giving him a smile, I prompted myself on my knees to kiss him. "I'm happy now. Evangeline, Ben and Joe know about us and that's more than enough."

"I know, Y/n" he pulled me onto his lap, giving me another kiss. "I know we're happy like this. And" his thumbs rubbed my hips, something that I managed to feel even through all those layers of fabric. "I'm the one who wanted this to be a secret but-" he bit his lower lip, struggling to find the right words. "I mean- we- now-"

I rested my cheek against his chest and leaded one of my hands to the crook of his neck to trace random patterns there, something I knew that would calm him.

"today we had an interview." he finally starting talking calmly "the interviewer asked me about my hobbies." I felt his fingers combing me hair. "and I wanted to say that I love watching TV shows with you on Saturday nights. I wanted to tell her how much I enjoy helping you cooking because I know you'll burn the kitchen if I'm not there" I slapped his chest playfully, earing a chuckle from him. "I wanted to tell her about our Sunday morning runs, and about our romantic escapades."

"sweet" I commented, lifting my gaze to look at him, who had his beautiful blue eyes on me. "and you want to be able to say those things." he nodded. "100% sure?" he nodded again, this time more eagerly. "then I need to find a dress."

"Evangeline is going to need one too" he informed me with a knowing smile on his face. "Ben is going to ask her to go with him."

"how are you so sure she'll say yes?" he snorted and I shook my head, chuckling. "yeah, don't even answer." I attempted to get up, but Gwilym tugged my arm and I fell back on the couch. "I gotta call her, Gwil."

"not now" he hugged me and made us both lie down on the couch. "I'm tired and needy." I let out a laugh, shifting to have my head comfortably laid over his chest once again. "I'm in the mood for cuddles with my amazing girlfriend"

"You're always in the mood for cuddles" I retorted, throwing one of my arms over his torso and tangling my legs with his. Meanwhile, both his arms wrapped around me, one of his hands finding it's way once more to my hair. "okay. Just for a bit"

"as you wish, love" Gwilym mumbled, already drifting off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"okay guys" one of the coordinators of the staff called our attention. "your turn. All of you go together, but once you reach the middle section of the carpet you can split up, go solo, take pictures or whatever" he stepped aside and prompted us to walk. "first Ben-"

"Jesus fucking Christ. Goddamnit. Fuck. why did I agree? Fucking hell" Evangeline cursed in low voice, holding onto Ben's arm to walk down the red carpet.

"now Joe. Allen, you go next" they both stepped out, and finally, the coordinator turned to Gwilym and me. "Gwilym, your turn."

"ready?" he whispered, securing me by holding my waist.

"yeah I'm just nervous as fuck" I muttered, smiling for the cameras and the paparazzi that were now taking photos of us.

"I'm gonna be honest, I'm so bloody nervous too" I let out a nervous laugh and he did the same right before another coordinator stopped us to stay still a few seconds, so the reporters could take proper pictures of us. "Y/n?"

"yeah?"

"I'm gonna kiss you, don't freak out" I didn't have time to give him any snarky reply before his lips were on mines, his hands holding my cheeks. "You're red" he stated with his eyes still closed.

"you didn't even see me, asshole" I hissed, feeling my whole face burning.

"Don't need to. I know you." he replied, pecking my forehead before letting go of me, for us to face the cameras once more. "Y/n?"

"not another kiss" I warned him, resuming our walk when the coordinator told us to do so.

"No no, at least not now." he leaned on me and whispered on my ear, "I love you"

I spun my face, capturing his lips before replying, "I love you too" with a big beam on my face, that was probably equivalent to the one on his.

[johnnyscancerstick]

Chap. 9

Warnings: feels, death, cursing.

Characters: Dallas Winston, Johnny Cade, Ponyboy Curtis, and a few random doctors and policemen.

Notes: @watermelon-chapstick , this is what I was talking about. I should let y'all know it takes a lot to make me cry. Teared up while writing this, and I think that means it's good enough to post. Lol, I'm well aware this was meant to be a shitpost, but I don't care. I wanted to write something feelsy and you damn know well I did and tried my best. I might make more of these in the future if people like this. Or, if people want more. I decided to post it on my own, not just a repost. I still put a lot of time into it, and I wanted it on my blog on it's own! This extra note is the only thing that's different — I didn't change anything else.

Word count: 1903

As quickly as it had started, it was over. Had this really happened? Or is it some fucking fever dream because of all the painkillers those hospital people had given me? No, it couldn't be. Dreams can't simulate this kind of stuff, we just beat the Socs!

‘I can't beleive they were gonna do this without me,’ that's not the only reason I wanted to do this, that's not the only reason I threatened to stab a bitch. Multiple. It was the only one I wanted to beleive but I know it's not.

I look down at Ponyboy, who was bleeding like hell and the rest of him looked even worse. He couldn't have been used to fighting solo, clearly. I shook my head, not going to ignore the situation any longer. I could miss my chance if I did that. I bent down and grabbed his collar, turning and yanking him up a bit after I started on a dead run. “Come on!” I couldn't hear myself. “We're goin' to see Johnny.”

Pony wasn't in any shape to be running but I could just remember Johnny's voice. He wanted to see everyone, but I knew there wasn't time. Ponyboy, if he could choose anyone to see it'd be him, wouldn't it? They were such good friends, and he's the one that will cooperate the most. Goddamnit, move faster! “Hurry! He was gettin' worse when I left.” don't think about that. “He wants to see you.”

I'd taken Buck's T-bird here and I didn't plan to go any slower than 110 to get back to the hospital. I got into the driver's seat and rhe second Pony was halfway in he car, I got into gear and slammed on the gas. I almost hydroplaned it across a curve and then I heard the sirins. Great, out of all the times. Think of something, Winston, think of something.

I don't even turn to the boy in the passenger's seat, but I find myself slowing down the car. “Look sick.” I say stiffly, furrowing my brows and narrowing my eyes. This could work, I don't have time for a police chase right now. “I'll say I'm taking you to the hospital, which'll be truth enough.”

The policeman said something like ‘Where's the fire.’ I wasn't paying attention. I glanced at him, I cant express how mad I was that he was slowing us down. Johnny only has so long!

“The kid.” I stayed cool, or at least I think I did, pointing at Pony. “He fell over on his motorcycle and I'm takin' him to he hospital.” Pony groaned a little, and I can't tell why.

The guy by the window looked nervous and glory, this was taking too long. “Is he real bad? Do you need an escort?” Oh, hell yeah, this could work. “How would I know if he's bar or not? I ain't no doc.” I fight a smile at how good this worked out. “Yeah, we could use an escort.”

The fuzz are really stupid, these days! “Sucker!” I hiss, he went back to his car. Now we didn't have to worry about traffic, or other cops. I don't know what I was mumbling about that entire ride there, I know I was talking about Johnny.

Once we were at the hospital I slammed the door shut and ‘helped’ Pony out of the car, but the second that police officer left, we were gone down that hallway. I heard yelling but I didn't even acknowlage them, I couldn't think of anything but Johnny, to the point where I let Pony's wrist go and I know he fell far behind. I didn't have time for an elevator, I raced up the stairs and almost clipped a wall a few times.

It felt like an eternity but I finally got to Johnny's room and I was going to break down the door if it wouldn't open. “I'm sorry, boys, but he's dying.” just those words sent horrible aches in my heart and I felt my chest tighten.

No, no, no. This isn't happening, he's not dying, he's not! Johnny can't die, he can't, this can't be happening. I take out Two's switch, whipping my head toward the doctor and jabbing it in his face. I didn't flick it open until I opened my mouth and started talking. “We gotta see him.” I said, my tone scared me even more than I already was, I hadn't heard myself like ths in a long time. I cleared my throat, furrowing my brows. I tried to be intimidating, I'd never had trouble with this before but now I was all trembly and it was visible, I could barely keep my hand still. “We're gonna see him and if you give me any static, you'll end up on your own operatin' table.” I sneer, I tried my best to keep my voice down.

This dude didn't even bat an eye, the little... Oh how I wanted to tell him off, I wanted to tell him just how much I needed to get into that room.

But he took me by surprise. “You can see him, but it's because you're his friends, not because of that knife.” I wasn't going to press, he was letting me in and for once I didn't want to fight. I put the switch back in my pocket and pushed the door open, I ran only for a few seconds before I swore something stopped me. I stumbled forward and made sure I didn't fall, and I could see Pony walk into the room out of the corner of my eye.

Johnny was white and looked still, I couldn't tell if he was breathing or not and I felt tears well up in my eyes. I gritted my teeth and shut them tight, it's not the end! Johnny isn't dead, he's not! He's just.. He's just asleep, he'll wake up any minute now. I took a few steps forward and wiped the sweat off my lips, “Johnnycake..?” my voice was low and hoarse, and I couldn't see even though it opened my eyes. I could barely hear anything else, everything else was shut off and didn't exist at that moment. Nothing was real, this wasn't what was going on. This really can't be happening.

Johnny didn't respond and I had to say something else. I had to prompt him again, this isn't how this ends. “Johnny...” I felt the hope drain from my whole body, but that little bit came up again when he moved. “hey..” his voice, god, that tore through my soul harder than anything else had.

I walked toward him after glancing at the Christopher around my neck, “We won.” I was out of breath and it was hard to get it back, I couldn't comprehend this and I just wanted to get him to say something. “We beat the Socs. We stomped them—chased them outa our territory.” I said, I was desperate at this point. Johnny's eyes were barely open and I couldn't tell if he could see the tears welling. I bit my lip as he just gave an unsatisfied hum, “Useless...” he croaked, “Fighting's no good...” he was so white, and I felt panic rising within me again.

No, he's dying and this isn't going to be the last thing I say to him! I gotta tell him something, something that'll make him smile, I've been keeping so much in about him all this time, how hard would it be to tell him now? When I literally have no other chance..!

I licked my lips and tried to find my voice through all the emotion, “They're still writing editorials about you in the paper. For being a hero and all.” I tried to keep my voice calm, I didn't let it break, I didn't want to cry in front of him. That would make this even worse, that would make him feel awful, that would just be the worst thing I could do right now. “Yeah..” he hadn't responded yet but for the sake of my sanity I had to act as if he did, “They're calling you a hero now and heroizin' all the greasers.”

I couldn't say it, I just couldn't, it was too hard, I tried so hard but I couldn't.. Hopefully he'll get he message. “We're all proud of you, buddy...” I managed a smile, I felt hot tears run down my face. I tries to wipe them off, but they'd just look like dweat and I wasn't going to take my eyes off Johnnycakes.

He looked so happy, his eyes lit up. I let out a half sob and kept my composure, I took a deep breath and was about to day something else, but he spoke. “Ponyboy.”

I backed up. I wasn't going to take it away, I'd forgotten Pony was there. I'd forgotten anyone was there. Johnny wanted to talk to Pony, he'd already talked to me, danmit I'm so selfish.

I don't know what he said but as I stepped closer, he just...

I broke into a grin and felt more tears fall down my cheeks. I was trembling, I could barely keep myself up, I felt like the world spun around me and for some reason, I wanted to laugh.

I reached a shaky hand over and brushed his bangs off his forehead, “Never could keep that hair back.” I could hear I was under pronouncing any soft sounds and I saw everything blur around me. “That's what you get for tryin' to help people, you little punk...” reality was setting in and I found it hard to breathe. Johnny wasn't... He.... He was.. He's not.. No. He's fine, Johnny is fine, nothing happened, nothing's wrong. I took a quivering breath, the smile faltering. I tried and I tried to keep it up, I know this wasn't what was going on, I know he's... But no, no I won't believe this. This is NOT what's happening, it's not it's.. It's not... It can't be... Johnny can't be dead, oh he really can't be... “There what you get..” I couldn't get the words out, I whipped toward the wall and punched it as hard as I could.

“Damnit Johnny..” I didn't have the energy, I couldn't have screamed if I wanted to. I ground my fist and hit the wall again, grinding my teeth and trying to do anything but think of him.

Don't think of how he used to be

Don't think of what happened

Don't think of what happened to him behind closed doors

Don't think of what he did for those kids

Don't think of him not wanting to die

Don't think of him only being sixteen

Don't think of him never leaving Tulsa

Don't think of him...

“Oh, damnit, Johnny...”

Don't think of those mocha eyes and how they lit up whenever I smiled at him.

“Don't die..”

Don't think of how brave, persistent, and strong he was-

Don't think of how brave, persistent, and strong he is

“Please,”

Don't think of how he would have turned out.

Don't think of how good of a person he would have ended up being.

Don't think of all the things I could have told him

Don't think of all the things thst would have made him happy, thst would have made him smile.

“Don't die...”

[johnnyscancerstick]

Warnings: feels, death, cursing.

Characters: Dallas Winston, Johnny Cade, Ponyboy Curtis, and a few random doctors and policemen.

Notes: @watermelon-chapstick , this is what I was talking about. I should let y'all know it takes a lot to make me cry. Teared up while writing this, and I think that means it's good enough to post. Lol, I'm well aware this was meant to be a shitpost, but I don't care. I wanted to write something feelsy and you damn know well I did and tried my best. I might make more of these in the future if people like this. Or, if people want more.

Word count: 1903

•❅─✧❅✦❅✧─❅•

As quickly as it had started, it was over. Had this really happened? Or is it some fucking fever dream because of all the painkillers those hospital people had given me? No, it couldn't be. Dreams can't simulate this kind of stuff, we just beat the Socs!

‘I can't beleive they were gonna do this without me.’ That's not the only reason I wanted to do this, that's not the only reason I threatened to stab a bitch. Multiple. It was the only one I wanted to beleive but I know it's not.

I look down at Ponyboy, who was bleeding like hell and the rest of him looked even worse. He couldn't have been used to fighting solo, clearly. I shook my head, not going to ignore the situation any longer. I could miss my chance if I did that. I bent down and grabbed his collar, turning and yanking him up a bit after I started on a dead run. “Come on!” I couldn't hear myself. “We're goin' to see Johnny.”

Pony wasn't in any shape to be running but I could just remember Johnny's voice. He wanted to see everyone, but I knew there wasn't time. Ponyboy, if he could choose anyone to see it'd be him, wouldn't it? They were such good friends, and he's the one that will cooperate the most. Goddamnit, move faster! “Hurry! He was gettin' worse when I left.” don't think about that. “He wants to see you.”

I'd taken Buck's T-bird here and I didn't plan to go any slower than 110 to get back to the hospital. I got into the driver's seat and rhe second Pony was halfway in he car, I got into gear and slammed on the gas. I almost hydroplaned it across a curve and then I heard the sirins. Great, out of all the times. Think of something, Winston, think of something.

I don't even turn to the boy in the passenger's seat, but I find myself slowing down the car. “Look sick.” I say stiffly, furrowing my brows and narrowing my eyes. This could work, I don't have time for a police chase right now. “I'll say I'm taking you to the hospital, which'll be truth enough.”

The policeman said something like ‘Where's the fire.’ I wasn't paying attention. I glanced at him, I cant express how mad I was that he was slowing us down. Johnny only has so long!

“The kid.” I stayed cool, or at least I think I did, pointing at Pony. “He fell over on his motorcycle anr I'm takin' him to he hospital.” Pony groaned a little, and I can't tell why.

The guy by the window looked nervous and glory, this was taking too long. “Is he real bad? Do you need an escort?” Oh, hell yeah, this could work. “How would I know if he's bar or not? I ain't no doc.” I fight a smile at how good this worked out. “Yeah, we could use an escort.”

The fuzz really are stupid these days! “Sucker!” I hiss as he went back to his car. Now we didn't have to worry about traffic, or other cops. I don't know what I was mumbling about that entire ride there, I know I was talking about Johnny.

Once we were at the hospital I slammed the door shut and ‘helped’ Pony out of the car, but the second that police officer left, we were gone down that hallway. I heard yelling but I didn't even acknowlage them, I couldn't think of anything but Johnny, to the point where I let Pony's wrist go and I know he fell far behind. I didn't have time for an elevator, I raced up the stairs and almost clipped a wall a few times.

It felt like an eternity but I finally got to Johnny's room and I was going to break down the door if it wouldn't open. “I'm sorry, boys, but he's dying.” just those words sent horrible aches in my heart and I felt my chest tighten.

No, no, no. This isn't happening, he's not dying, he's not! Johnny can't die, he can't, this can't be happening. I take out Two's switch, whipping my head toward the doctor and jabbing it in his face. I didn't flick it open until I opened my mouth and started talking. “We gotta see him.” I said, my tone scared me even more than I already was, I hadn't heard myself like ths in a long time. I cleared my throat, furrowing my brows. I tried to be intimidating, I'd never had trouble with this before but now I was all trembly and it was visible, I could barely keep my hand still. “We're gonna see him and if you give me any static, you'll end up on your own operatin' table.” I sneer, I tried my best to keep my voice down.

This dude didn't even bat an eye, the little... Oh how I wanted to tell him off, I wanted to tell him just how much I needed to get into that room.

But he took me by surprise. “You can see him, but it's because you're his friends, not because of that knife.” I wasn't going to press, he was letting me in and for once I didn't want to fight. I put the switch back in my pocket and pushed the door open, I ran only for a few seconds before I swore something stopped me. I stumbled forward and made sure I didn't fall, and I could see Pony walk into the room out of the corner of my eye.

Johnny was white and looked still, I couldn't tell if he was breathing or not and I felt tears well up in my eyes. I grotred my teeth and shut them tight, it's not the end! Johnny isn't dead, he's not! He's just.. He's just asleep, he'll wake up any minute now. I took a few steps forward and wiped the sweat off my lips, “Johnnycake..?” my voice was low and hoarse, and I couldn't see even though it opened my eyes. I could barely hear anything else, everything else was shut off and didn't exist at that moment. Nothing was real, this wasn't what was going on. This really can't be happening.

Johnny didn't respond and I had to say something else. I had to prompt him again, this isn't how this ends. “Johnny...” I felt the hope drain from my whole body, but that little bit came up again when he moved. “hey..” his voice, god, that tore through my soul harder than anything else had.

I walked toward him after glancing at the Christopher around my neck, “We won.” I was out of breath and it was hard to get it back, I couldn't comprehend this and I just wanted to get him to say something. “We beat the Socs. We stomped them—chased them outa our territory.” I said, I was desperate at this point. Johnny's eyes were barely open and I couldn't tell if he could see the tears welling. I bit my lip as he just gave an unsatisfied hum, “Useless...” he croaked, “Fighting's no good...” he was so white, and I felt panic rising within me again.

No, he's dying and this isn't going to be the last thing I say to him! I gotta tell him something, something that'll make him smile, I've been keeping so much in about him all this time, how hard would it be to tell him now? When I literally have no other chance..!

I licked my lips and tried to find my voice through all the emotion, “They're still writing editorials about you in the oaoer. For being a hero and all.” I tried to keep my voice calm, I didn't let it break, I didn't want to cry in front of him. That would make this worse, that would make him feel awful, that would just be the worst thing I could do right now. “Yeah..” he hadn't responded yet but for the sake of my sanity I had to act as if he did, “They're calling you a hero now and heroizin' all the greasers.”

I couldn't say it, I just couldn't, it was too hard, I tried so hard but I couldn't.. Hopefully he'll get he message. “We're all proud of you, buddy...” I managed a smile, I felt hot tears run down my face. I tries to wipe them off, but they'd just look like dweat and I wasn't going to take my eyes off Johnnycakes.

He looked so happy, his eyes lit up. I let out a half sob and kept my composure, I took a deep breath and was about to day something else, but he spoke. “Ponyboy.”

I backed up. I wasn't going to take it away, I'd forgotten Pony was there. I'd forgotten anyone was there. Johnny wanted to talk to Pony, he'd already talked to me, danmit I'm so selfish.

I don't know what he said but as I stepped closer, he just...

I broke into a grin and felt more tears fall down my cheeks. I was trembling, I could barely keep myself up, I felt like the world spun around me and for some reason, I wanted to laugh.

I reached a shaky hand over and brushed his bangs off his forehead, “Never could keep that hair back.” I could hear I was under pronouncing any soft sounds and I saw everything blur around me. “That's what you get for tryin' to help people, you little punk...” reality was setting in and I found it hard to breathe. Johnny wasn't... He.... He was.. He's not.. No. He's fine, Johnny is fine, nothing happened, nothing's wrong. I took a quivering breath, the smile faltering. I tried and I tried to keep it up, I know this wasn't what was going on, I know he's... But no, no I won't believe this. This is NOT what's happening, it's not it's.. It's not... It can't be... Johnny can't be dead, oh he really can't be... “There what you get..” I couldn't get the words out, I whipped toward the wall and punched it as hard as I could.

“Damnit Johnny..” I didn't have the energy, I couldn't have screamed if I wanted to. I ground my fist and hit the wall again, grinding my teeth and trying to do anything but think of him.

Don't think of how he used to be

Don't think of what happened

Don't think of what happened to him behind closed doors

Don't think of what he did for those kids

Don't think of him not wanting to die

Don't think of him only being sixteen

Don't think of him never leaving Tulsa

Don't think of him...

“Oh, damnit, Johnny...”

Don't think of those mocha eyes and how they lit up whenever I smiled at him.

“Don't die..”

Don't think of how brave, persistent, and strong he was-

Don't think of how brave, persistent, and strong he is

“Please,”

Don't think of how he would have turned out.

Don't think of how good of a person he would have ended up being.

Don't think of all the things I could have told him

Don't think of all the things thst would have made him happy, thst would have made him smile.

“Don't die...”

Just imagine

The outsiders writen from Dallas’s point of view