#i rly need to write up the bios i'm just talking to the void

[enypneion]

i keep thinking about ailun and his arc of unlearning everything his father had taught him because the abuse he went through had affected him to a point that he harbors both negative and positive emotions towards him, but there is also a lot to unlearn behavior wise. there is an internalized messages about weakness, shame and expectations that his father gave him. it taught him that affection or validation is only given conditionally or that love must be earned by enduring pain or mistreatment. these ingrained beliefs made it incredibly difficult to trust, to be vulnerable or even to feel deserving of kindness and respect in any of his relationships, both personal and political. there was also the challenge of detangling identity from what’s been taught. for ailun, a father’s role is pivotal in shaping his self - image and confidence, but in the context of his abuse, their relationship distorted self - understanding. he struggled to find his own identities, especially since he's been told (implicitly AND explicitly) that he's not enough and that he should be a certain way. this struggle was only intensified when unlearning as it required him to let go of the need for approval that has been deeply embedded since childhood. it's such a long process but !!!!