#i replied to a msg in a grp chat that i thought was for me but it wasn't :(

[helloidkwhatimdoing-0]

Did something mildly embarrassing 12 dead 14 injured

[mynlov]

yesterday jonghyun committed suicide. i was in the airport alone and i saw an instagram msg from B to the grp chat saying “is this true? bc i fucking hope not”. and it worried me but i couldn’t see the post bc of bad internet so i got on with trying to buy food or something. then L texted me and said “i have something to tell you”. “it’s bad cat”. “it’s about jonghyun”. and then she didn’t reply for way too long so i typed in lightning fast “jonghyun shinee” to google and all these headlines came up and i felt sick. “shinee singer kim jonghyun found dead”. carbon monoxide poisoning. i am so angry and i don’t know what to do. cried on the phone to M and then to L. i couldn’t say anything and she was crying too. there was this feeling of being dragged down into a deeper sense of horror every time i remembered it. L made a post on her priv abt how heartbroken she was but i couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. on the plane i watched “hyung” with do kyungsoo in it, quite good. then “dancer” about sergei polunin which was amazing. but i kept remembering the headline. i listened to “sleepless night”. i was imagining him being carried away on a stretcher, dead. and i thought about “she is” and “story op. 2″ and he was supposed to have a comeback in january which i was so excited about. i remembered when L read me that youtube comment about jjong’s family and i suddenly felt horrible and started crying because i didn’t think he was happy at all. i could tell he wasn’t happy. and the other day when i was upset about MH (again) and then L said something abt jjong and i broke down (again) because i missed him. i was right, he was so unhappy that he ended his life, because he thought he wasn’t good enough, and he thought it was his fault and he felt like he had nobody that really cared when now there are thousands of people crying all over the world. i saw a video of shawols singing replay by his shrine outdoors and all i could hear was crying and the song. by the time i arrived to ny i was ok, i said hello to everyone, took a shower and got into bed. then i couldn’t sleep, not after almost 24 hours without any sleep. i started looking at things on instagram and i listened to selene 6.23 and a whole bunch of songs and i was quiet until the end of selene 6.23 but suddenly i couldn’t control myself. i fucking HATE thinking and writing these things, i’m too self-conscious and intolerant, but this is what i feel. my jonghyun, who was 5 ft tall and looked so strange but was so handsome and made my favorite music, who i imagined countless times that i would go and see live, watch him singing, whose voice i thought i would hear until i was old enough to have forgotten half of the hard times at school that he got me through, and older, who i knew had suffered and was still suffering, whose language i started to learn mostly so we could have something in common, who i wanted to meet so i could tell him about how thankful i am, at least just once, and i worried that it wouldn’t be enough because we didn’t know each other and he was famous and all of that, whose voice i listened to when i was upset and i needed something happy to think of, is dead. now i don’t know where he is, if he is anywhere at all. i can never listen to a new song that has his voice in it. i can never listen to his old songs and smile for the same reason or cry for the same reason. i can’t listen to selene 6.23 and cry bc he’s so far away and so far ahead, and because despite all his suffering he made this song and still lives and breathes and sings and writes and performs and it’s so much more than i’ve ever done or might ever do. it’s all gone to shit and i hate it. i will miss him forever. shinee are carrying his coffin on the day of the funeral, like a nightmare. i can’t imagine how they must feel, since i feel like i can’t move or do anything properly. i haven’t eaten since yesterday afternoon. i feel like an idiot and i’ve never been sadder than yesterday and today. if we lived in a universe where what happens when you die is that you get to read messages from a lonely sad girl online that you never knew, i would tell jonghyun this:

i know you were in pain because you were famous and you thought nobody cared and you thought you weren’t doing your best. but the reason you were famous is not only because you chose it. somebody who is so talented, can make such unique sounds and songs and has such a rare and beautiful voice and sings so well doesn’t deserve anything less. you never could have had the recognition you deserved because it’s infinite, but everybody always deserves more. you probably know you were lucky to do what you loved even if it killed you in the end. but i still want to say it. you couldn’t have done anything else. i am so thankful to you, i wish you were still here but if you are better now that’s fine by me. if you are happier, i can give it up.