#i remembered I hate seafood and also that it could lead to me dying so

[ubdq-multiverse]

Roland/Vision

Vision

“No! EM!”

It was just supposed to be a simple scouting mission. They were supposed to find the hilichurl camp, report it on their maps, maybe clear it out if they thought they could handle it. Of course, they could, between the four of them, three had visions. Roland understood he was the only one without it, but he was just as strong as the rest of them. So they made the effort and cut down the camp without much issue.

There wasn’t supposed to be a ruin guard.

They knew their limits. If it was just the guard, they could’ve handled it. They had enough ranged members, and the strength to take it down if they managed to stun it. But after a lengthier battle, as well as being surprised, they couldn’t fight it.

Roland watched his partner fly through the air, having been hit by the large rock fist as it spun like a top. He felt in that moment like he’d been hit too, heart sinking in terror as he watched the pyro-user he was in love with hit one of the large trees with a force that nobody could just walk away from.

His eyes darted between the giant and his lover, debating if it was worth trying to fight. His fellow friends, the hydro catalyst wielder making their best effort to keep the creature distracted and at bay, while his sister, the cryo bow-woman, took shots at the creatures eye in attempt to stun it.

His sword fell from his hands, deciding the battle wasn’t worth it. He raced towards his long-haired ally, crumpled against the base of the tree like a sack of rocks. By some miracle, or perhaps a curse, the man was still breathing, albeit raged and visibly pained.

The sight was awful, but he knew he didn’t want to abandon him to his suffering. There had to be a chance, some way to save him, but even just glancing at the twisted form and collapsed ribcage of his lover, he knew there was no way he was making it through this.

“Ro...” The man tried to speak, but the effort made him need to cough, which then lead to more pained noises. The visionless rested his hand on the man’s shoulder, gazing up from his knelt position.

“Shh...” He whispered, reaching to clasp both his hands. “Don’t talk, just... just breathe, okay?” He could see the dubious gaze in the injured man’s eyes, and it took all his effort not to just break down crying. Now wasn’t the time to mourn what he was losing. “We... we’ll get someone, we have to. We-we’ll get Barbara, she’ll come and she’ll heal you up. It’ll take a while but you’ll be good as new. You just need to hang on, alright Em?” The pained man nodded, gazing into his desperate companions eyes.

He quickly glanced behind him, looking to the fight. It was that moment the ground shook with the weight of the guard landing after a leap. His sister took the catalyst-user and pulled them out of the way, just in time to avoid the impact of the fists. He gave her a look that asked all he needed to know, to which she nodded in confirmation. She was giving them time.

Another cough drew his attention back to his beloved and he quickly placed a gentle hand on his shoulder to keep him from rocking back and forth and further injuring himself. “It-it’ll be okay. We’ll get you home, baby.” God, he could feel the usually-warm touch fading into a normal, if not slightly cold, temperature. No no no. “I’ll spend every day with you in the chapel, okay? I-I’ll try and make that soup you like, what was it? The calla lily seafood soup. It won’t be the best, but I’ll do it. I-I’ll hold you hand and kiss you goodnight, and...” He could see the effort behind his partner’s eyes, all his energy being put into just staying alive.

God, he could feel the blood caking his forearm and hands.

“I’ll sing you that song you like, the... the one edgy one Venti sings. I’ll do all the chores and clean everything up, even though I don’t wanna. I’ll do everything, I’ll baby the shit out of you, okay? Just, just stay, okay? We’ll bring Barbara. You’re gonna be okay.” He was lying. They both knew it. Part of him wondered if his partner knew it from the desperation in his voice or by his own pain.

“Ro...” He didn’t cough this time, just tried to swallow the blood he wanted so desperately to expel. “I love you. S-” A pause as he tried again to breathe, the pain greatly increasing. He wasn’t keeping air, his rib likely punctured one or both of his lungs. “So much.” He tried to raise a hand, but he didn’t have the strength to lift his hand. Noticing this, he let out a small bit of air, opting instead to rub his thumb on his partner’s hand. “D-don’t l-listen to him. T-this isn’t... n-not y-your faul...t.”

God, he couldn’t believe this miracle of a man was still trying to comfort him, when he was the one dying. He was scared of death, they both knew, and here it was, taking him. And his priority was him. Him and what their ex-friend had told him months ago.

Tears began streaming down his face. “B-but I’m the one who wandered too far, Emerson. If I didn’t... it wouldn’t’ve found us. I should’ve paid more attention, and...” Emerson clutched his hand with his fading strength, drawing his attention.

“N-not... yo...ur... f-fault.” He insisted with his waning consciousness. His gaze was drifting, and he seemed to notice, flicking his eyes back towards his partner with a pained smile. “K-kiss me?”

Even now he remembered his stupid joke he always said, a dumb attempt at comfort all those times before. I’d be okay dying if I had your lips on mine. It was always said in jest, for those times when he didn’t want to stop kissing because he needed air. He couldn’t believe this stupid man was bringing it up even now.

He wasn’t one to deny his request. Tears welling in his eyes, Roland pulled a hand from the bloody pile, resting it gently to his partner’s cheek. He leaned into it, thankful for the contact but likely also a chance to not have to support himself. In a horrible, tormented moment, he pressed his lips to Emerson’s, a gesture he melted into.

He felt the man’s eyes flutter closed. He felt the man’s breath stop coming from his nose. He felt the moment the man’s weight was held only by his hand.

He hated this.

He pulled away, tears streaming down his face as he looked at the body of the man he loved. The body. There wasn’t life anymore, there wasn’t the man he’d spend two years loving. There was just a body, a lifeless shell; a memory.

He let out a pained sob, resting his head on the shoulder, desperately clinging to his hands as if clutching them hard enough would bring his life back.

He didn’t hear when the sounds of elements and arrows dulled behind him. He didn’t hear the loud steps of the monster that took his partner. All he heard was his own sobs.

Hot.

The sensation surprised him, and he jerked his entire body away from the corpse of the man. It took a second for him to realize what it was he felt: a burning pain on the side of his pinky, as if he’d touched a burning hot iron. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and he slowly crawled forward, eyes darting around in an attempt to solve the mystery.

“Roland!” His sister’s voice piped up behind him, but he didn’t care. He need to know. What if it was something to bring him back? He began searching the body for the source of the pain.

“Roland!” The voice spoke again, this time with a tug on his shoulder. He spun around to see the pale face of his sister, standing right next to him with a look of alarm. “We have to go! We can’t keep fighting!”

He yanked his arm from his sister’s grasp, a confused and frustrated groan falling from her lips. When his eyes landed back on the body of his beloved, he saw it.

The vision.

The glowing red orb around the man’s waist had dulled with his life, but now it was nearly glowing hot orange. In desperate confusion, he reached down, trying to remove it from the corpse. He was desperate, he needed it.

“Roland!” Came his sister’s voice again. He didn’t care.

He held it in his hand, a white-hot pain flowing through his entire arm. It spread to his entire body, but he didn’t care. He needed this. If not as a momento, than a solution for this mystery.

His sister didn’t cry out a fourth time, as he saw his body engulf in flames. The pain had gone, or at least numbed, but the flames were very much alive around him. He didn’t even put together what was happening, it was like his body moved on its own.

Roland rose to his feet and approached his weapon with a rage unlike anything he’d ever felt before. His sword in one hand, the red orb in the other, his gaze fell upon the giant structure that had felled his partner. “COME AT ME, YOU STUPID FUCK!”

When the large, glowing eye landed on him, he didn’t hesitate.

[skyerana]

tagged by @ashipwreckcoast​ for a question thinger. I’m bored out of my skull and I like these questions so here you go. You should do it. Yes, you. Why? Because? I don’t have real reazons.

Putting this under a cut because its long and I don’t want to clog up your dash.\

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? Black, specifically Pilot G2 pens. But really? I like a good dark dark green. My dog ate my favorite pen and I haven’t been able to find one in that color since.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? I’ve sort of done both. I love living in a city, with all the vibrancy and life that it entails. There’s public transit, arts and culture, so many kinds of food, interesting people and always something going on. But for the last few years, I’ve been wanting to get back to something like where I went to school, where I lived for 7 months on a lake and the next closest people (besides us 9) were 5 miles away (the road up to the field station was 2 miles by itself and we got snowed in and flooded in on more than one occasion). I miss being close to deep nature and the peace that comes from being alone.

So which do I prefer? I don’t really know. I’ve been living back in a city for the past eight years but I’m feeling like its time for a change. I don’t think I’ll leave cities forever though. I like people and diversity too much.

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? For fun, I’d want to pick up leatherworking, blacksmithing, and/or woodworking. I’m currently not set up well to do any of them though. For practicality though, I’d want to learn general house maintenance.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Depends on the tea, but often yes. Coffee gets an obscene amount of hazelnut creamer because I hate coffee but I love caffeine.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? The Hobbit. My dad and step-dad both read it to me at different points of my childhood and my dad gave me his copy (The Hobbit or There and Back Again, 1977 Illustrated edition)

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? Showers. Baths are well and good if you have a big enough one (which I don’t) and you don’t stay in so long it gets cold (I don’t).

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Upon reading this question, every single mythical creature that I’d ever read about immediately vanished from my memory. I’m going to have to come back to this one.

I came back to this one and I still don’t know. I like the idea of flying. But I don’t really want to be hunted out to extinction.

8. Paper or electronic books? I love paper books, but I read much better via ebook. I still haven’t read Gideon the Ninths because the pages are so soft I just sit and pet them instead of read.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? BOXERS! Or rather, boxer-briefs. I know this sounds weird but bear with me. For some reason, when I started transitioning, it did not occur to me to buy mens underwear. When I finally did, It Was Amazing. I looked great. I felt great. I finally understood why so many people had “fun” underwear that they liked. Before, I had like one or two that had patterns/stuff on them. Now? I’ve got Star Wars and Captain Marvel and Deadpool and mountains and mushrooms and one with boxers that makes me laugh because there’s boxers on boxers!! And I can wear them whenever the fuck I want! So I always have something fun on, even (especially) if other folks can’t see it. Switching to boxers was such a weirdly affirming thing for my gender and I love it.

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? This is complicated. I like my legal name, sure, but its not me, not really. I did get the spelling updated on it legally when I was 16 so I could actually get my driver’s license. I haven’t had a chance to change my legal name since transitioning (between the election and COVID, I don’t know that I’d get through all of the legal rigmarole in time to vote in November), but I really like my chosen name and an altered version of my legal name will be my new middle name.

11. Who is a mentor to you? I’ve had so many over the years. I learn so much from people, but I had so many great mentors when I worked at the museum. Timshel stands out. If I can be half the mentor she is to someone, I’ll have put some real solid good into the world. 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? No. Not in the everyone knows you sense. That’s not my jam. I wouldn’t mind having fame more in the sense of within a tiny field, being well known and respected.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Yes... to the point where I’m seeing a sleep specialist in a month to sort it out.

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? Very much so. But there’s so many different ways to be romantic.

15. Which element best represents you? I hate these questions. I see bits of myself in all of the elements. People often associate me with air or water though.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? Distance wise, my family in California. I come from a bunch of very close knit families and so having folks on the other side of the country that I’m super close with is ihard.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? “Everyone. Being solitary by choice as opposed to demand is a big difference.” I’m just going to leave @ashipwreckcoast​‘s response here because it fits. I’m very lucky that I am still working in a (relatively) safe environment, but we’re all missing out on things like throwing a housewarming party for one of my closest friends/coworkers. Even though we see each other almost daily, we’re still missing out on a lot that we’d normally do. That’s even worse for folks I’m not seeing at all because of COVID.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. I legit thought I was a wolf and would howl at the neighbors when mom packed me into the wagon to go do laundry at the laundromat. The neighbors, being good people, howled back.

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? There have been a few times where I wasn’t sure what I was eating. One was at a wedding with 10 or 12 courses (I lost count) and some of them were foods I’d never seen before. I know jellyfish was on that list but there was a bunch of other stuff that I don’t know what it was. The few times I’ve been out of the country, I ate stuff I couldn’t identify (often due to language barriers). The seafood soup at the one place was just whatever they caught that day and it had a lot in it. I remember being disappointed in my fellow grad students when some of them turned it down. You don’t turn down food when you’re a guest unless you have a medical reason for doing so. But the thing is, none of these are strange, except by the US standards. So if that’s true, then the deep fried dragonfly should also be on this list. 

20. What are you most thankful for? Most? That’s so hard to quantify. If I really think about it, it’s things like having a loving partner and a home and food and the ability to pay my bills, I guess.

21. Do you like spicy food? I do not like capsaisin related spices but I love horseradish type spices. I do liked well spiced, but not necessarily spicy, foods.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? A few times. Sometimes at the museum (worked with some of them). Sometimes at special events, like attending lectures.

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? Generally no. I do sometimes get the urge to write and reflect on stuff, so I’ll do that when the mood strikes.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? I’ve been trained to use pens for everything (I work in a chem lab). Pencils are fine, but you need the right kind for the satisfying scratchiness. I cannot abide scratchiness in my pens.

25. What is your star sign? Cancer. Why is this important?

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Not super soggy but not straight out of the box crunchy. Does that make sense?

27. What would you want your legacy to be? I  want my legacy to be built on kindness and helping others. I know that’s cheesy and cliche, but I have so much privilege that I want to use to benefit others.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I love reading. I’m on book 30 for the year. The last one I finished was Starsight by Brandon Sanderson, which is book 2 of 3 of the Skyward series and HE HASN’T STARTED BOOK 3 YET!! I read Skyward and Starsight in four days total.

29. How do you show someone you love them? I often cook for them.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Only for certain things. I don’t mind drinking most drinks at room temperature and ice waters stuff down. It’s good for iced tea though, but only if you need to cool it.

31. What are you afraid of? This isn’t a fair question. I’m afraid of being abandoned or fucking things up. I’m also afraid of spiders and the milk in my fridge expiring. I’m afraid of filling out forms (forms are really hard and make me extremely anxious). I’m afraid of phone calls, but I’m good at them. I’m afraid of public speaking, but you’d never know it unless I told you. I’m afraid of losing the people I love, of dying without having put some good into the world. I’m afraid for my neighbors, for my brothers and sister, for my niece. The world is overwhelmingly scary right now.

32. What is your favourite scent? Campfires, the smell of a fresh spring rain, leather, the weird musky scent of my kitten, of garlic and onions cooking low and slow. There’s too many.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? Depends on who and in what context I know them.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I’d travel a lot more. I’d donate to a lot of things. Museums, arts, individuals. I’d love to just go on to gofundme and just straight up fund folks to their goals plus a bit extra. And then go figure out where the systematic failures were that lead to them not being able to afford it in the first place.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? Ocean. Absolutely. But this is also lake and river erasure.

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? I guess exchange it for USD.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Yeah. They’re magical every time.

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? Be kind. To yourself and others.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? I’ve got several I want. I was supposed to get an anchor with an octopus chilling on it on my inner forearm for my one year anniversary on testosterone but then COVID hit and well... who know when I‘ll get it.

40. What can you hear now? Mostly just the AC and the tack of the keys on the keyboard. Occasionally a particularly loud vehicle makes itself known.

41. Where do you feel the safest? Curled up with my partner and dog.

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Probs my anxiety.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? 

44. What is your most used emoji? The crying laughing one. I survive on sending stupid memes and shit back and forth with too many people. After that, the heart.

45. Describe yourself using one word. Oof

46. What do you regret the most? Not trusting myself when I figured out I was trans back in undergrad. That whole decade of burying it all and internalizing a lot of transphobia really did a number on myself.

47. Last movie you saw? I think it was Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn

48. Last tv show you watched? Rewatching Avatar with my partner right now. We just finished She-Ra.

49. Invent a word and its meaning. I just... I don’t know. I’m a Webster. I just compile what other people say in a book.

[k-p-p-d]

[EXCLUSIVE] A Year in Reverse: An Insight into the Beautiful Minds behind K.P.P.D

By: Admins Tia ( @kpopbrowniefics​ ), CL ( @smutfictionaddicted​ ), and Kia ( @pocinamedia​ )

KPopPantyDrop.

A name which promises sinful and sensual experiences galore.

But also a name which evokes feelings of inclusion, support, love, tenderness, loyalty, care, humor, sassiness, and pride.

The blog has been a staple to many kpop fans of color and other marginalized who aren’t always represented in the mainstream avenues fans use to connect with each other.  What started as a spur of the moment decision has turned into, in some regards, a growing empire that centers around one very simple yet often difficult principle to adhere to:  Diversity.

In a rare moment of vulnerability and candidness, we spoke with the beautiful admins who graciously opened up to us for this exclusive interview.

Tia: First off, ladies, thank you so much for allowing us to interview you.  It’s rare we get a chance to have such meaningful conversations with all of you.

Soul: No, thank you for even agreeing to interview us!  We’re each huge fans of the three of you so really this is quite an honor.

CL: Flattery will get you everywhere with me! [laughs]  How about we get started with an easy question.  What is the meaning of your nicknames?

Winter: I’m a loser that likes Game of Thrones and ‘Winter is Cumming’ is pretty iconic...in my completely unbiased opinion.  Also wintertime can be soft flurries or can be a killer snowstorm, like me.

Syn: It’s apart of my first name. You are going to have to ask Lily why its “Syn” because I’m an angel. 

Lily:  It’s the inversion of the first half of my second middle name and I just really love lilies.  And Syn, your name is Syn because all you drop is sin in the group chat.

Rosa: Well I just recently changed my name; it’s because I’m known as the ‘English rose’ of the blog, though I don’t really know why... But I didn’t want Rose, so I chose to go Spanish with it and picked Rosa instead.

Soul: The nickname comes from the anime, Soul Eater (promo, go watch it). Uh, I always felt like I could relate to it in a way so that's why it's my nickname.

Blossom: I love flowers very very much, but my favorite of them all is the cherry blossom and that’s where i got it, pretty basic. [giggles cutely] 

Kiwi: I have no idea. I really don't, you're gonna have to ask the admins about this. I’d assume I'm sweet, but that'd be just a straight up lie. ♪~ ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ 

Winter: Issa lie.

CL: What got you into kpop? When was it? What was the first kpop song you heard?

Kiwi: Well I had a glimpse of it when I was younger...I don’t remember how. Then last year (my Freshmen year of high school), a friend of mine brought it up and I remembered the faces of who I saw when I was younger (it was BTS btw if you wanted to know the first group, the it was Beast my friend showed me). That’s how I got back into it and decided to catch up on it.

Blossom: The first Kpop song heard was Ringa Linga by Taeyang or Hello Bitches by CL (i don’t remember) about a year and some months ago; after that I kinda just drowned in the life and that’s about it.

Soul: For me, this happened in two separate years. The first one was when I was in 7th grade(so 2012-2013). I saw a reaction video to SNSD’s Gee. I grew to like them but I never got into anyone else before I stopped listening entirely. Then fast forward to late 2015 or so, my best friend got me into Big Bang and I found BTS and Got7 on my own and the rest is history!

Rosa: Okay so I’ve told this story before, but my first K-anything was watching Gong Yoo in Coffee Prince when I was 13 or so and I fell in love with the man. I got into kpop though, when I was looking through youtube, and it recommended SNSD’s “Gee” to me, when it was just released in 2009. I clicked it out of sheer curiosity, but I loved it so much.. And boom! I fell into the kpop hole.

Lily: I fucked up and watched Try Guys Take KCONLA. Eugene Lee Yang is my non-monogamous life partner, as Winter would say, so when I saw how excited he was over showing the guys and their viewers some of his favorite things about Korean culture and media--I laughed my ass off when he LITERALLY kicked Ned in the chest to demonstrate some common elements of kdrama fight scenes--I just had to watch it.  So that was October 2015.  The first song I willingly listened to (I don’t really count me hearing “Gangnam Style” and “Fantastic Baby” back in 2012 since those 2 songs were played on the radio nonstop) was Big Bang’s iconic anthem “Bang Bang Bang.”  All it took was one electric fart and my ass was actual trash. That song and the rest of MADE series is probably why I’m such YG trash.

Winter: I honestly and truly don’t know when I got into kpop.  My friends where I lived before moving back south who were Asian would add songs to my playlists that they thought I would like.  So I’ve been listening to Kpop, Mandopop, Jpop, Jrock and Krock for nearly a decade; but I didn’t start paying attention to fandoms and learning members until a few years back.  It’s funny because when I realized kpop was starting to take over my playlists, I sent a message in our Facebook group asking them why no one ever told me I like kpop.  They then reminded me I’m slow and they told me years ago.

Syn: I got into Kpop out of sheer procrastination. It was fall of 2014, and a lot was going on with my college classes, I hated my major, I was hold on to some family issues and my mental health was deteriorating. I was in a very dark place and I just needed an outlet. So I went on youtube and one video recommendation lead to another and I found out about Eric Nam’s “Ooh Ooh”. He was doing an interview and I thought he was goofy and cute and had to find more music of his. That lead me to ASC and ultimately the world of kpop. I remember distinctly that I was watching a BTS episode for “No More Dreams” and seeing them interact with each other and the fans and smiling, goofing off; that episode made me simile for the first time in a long time. I would like to say kpop helped me get through that year and gave me motivation to finish what I started and just to get better overall.

CL: If you had to chose only one book, one song, one food and one movie, what would you pick? Just one of each!

Rosa: 

Book: Oh Lord, I read a lot.. Erm, I’m gonna say The Vampire Diaries books, because I’m currently reading them again for the 100th time. And I’m not tired of them. 

Song: Nah, I can’t choose.. I have many different favourites, from different genres. It’s impossible to pick one. 

Food: Hot wings (i mean the dry, crispy ones) or Spag bol or Fried dumplings. 

Movie: White Chicks. I’ve watched this film many, many times that I can quote pretty much every single line. But still I’m dying of laughter every time I watch it.

Lily: 

Book: Crime and Punishment by Dostoyevsky.  I love the story and I haven’t finished reading it all the way through yet so it’d keep me entertained for a while.  

Song: I know this is really...depressing, I guess, but it’d have to be Mozart’s last Requiem, specifically “Lacrymosa.” I just love it SO much.

Food: Lasagna. It’s my love language.  

Movie: Skyfall.  As Winter can attest, I am a massive Bond aficionado (I’ve seen all 24 films and one of my goals in life is to drive or at the very least ride in a 1964 Aston Martin db6, my dream car honestly) and this to me is everything that a Bond film should be. I could watch it for weeks on end and never be tired of it.

Kiwi:

Book: Wake by Lisa McMann.

Song: “Clairvoyant” by MISOGI.

Food: Hot pot. 

Movie: Coraline.

Winter:

Book: The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova; I’ve read it a few times now and I’m enthralled every time.  

Song: Impossible, I couldn’t survive with just one song.  That would be torture. 

Food: Chicken and rice, maybe?  Yeah, that’s always good.  Or cheesy eggs and rice.  YUM!  

Movie: Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  NO!  Cleopatra, mainly because it’s long as hell and I can break it up and watch it by sections when I need a distraction.

Syn:

Book: The Color Purple by Alice Walker. Unfortunately, I haven’t had time to leisurely read and expand my book collection but anything by Alice Walker is a classic and they way she writes is amazing. 

Song: “Reflection” by Lea Salonga. Now truthfully I can’t choose, and if anyone asks me this question again it would change. But I love this song oh so much. It’s depressing af but it speaks the truth and it spoke to me growing up. 

Food: My mom’s seafood gumbo. Just everything.

Movie: Disney’s Mulan. That was the first disney female character I could connected with. Like every movie I’ve seen before that was like ‘damsel in distress, prince come save me, I’m a princess but my life would be better with a man’. Mulan said, ‘EFF DAT BRUH.’ She said, ‘Eff marriage! Yeah I know I’m different. I’m gunna go into the army so my Father won’t have to. I’m just as good--if not BETTER--than these guys, killed the enemy, the bish SAVED China, the Emperor gave her props, AND STILL GOT THE HOT GUY AT THE END!! Just sayin….. Mulan the GOAT.

Soul:

Book: Piecing Me Together by Renee Watson. 

Song: “Still Breathing” by Allison Iraheta. 

Food: Pizza.  

Movie: The original Halloween; I can watch it over and over.

Blossom:

Book: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak 

Song: Any piano cover. I  love piano covers. 

Food: Chicken wraps. 

Movie: Howl’s Moving Castle cause I’ve only seen it once and it would take me awhile to get tired of it.

Kia: Based on who your Ultimate Bias is, what would be the ultimate first date?

Rosa: Hm.. This one's hard cause I have so many possible answers. But I’d say either me and JB would go to a concert.. Like one of those chill throwback r&b concerts, where a bunch of artists get together and perform their songs. Or we’d go to a theme park, ride a bunch of coasters and he’d win me a huge stuffed animal. Either one would be followed by, food.. Lots. Of. Food. We’d bring it to a open space somewhere, with blankets, lights, drinks, music.. just laugh, eat, dance and chill.

Syn: I have like categories of who my UB’s are and usually it’s person I fell in love with out of the group. When i think about it they all have one thing in common and is that they are silly, goofy, outgoing and fun. So I would love to go on a like carnival/state fair type of date. Play games, win prizes, ride rides (except roller coasters I don’t eff with those) , share junk food and just basically let our inner child run free. Cliche, but I would love it.

Winter: It depends since my Ultimate changes with the breeze.  But I think a good first date would involve meeting, getting dinner/drinks/coffee and then just walking around and talking.

Soul: I have too many ults to truly answer this question, it changes up too much so it really depends on the specific person I'm into at the time.

Kiwi: I really don't know I don't think about this. I guess just a date with nature involved? Like maybe hiking???

Lily: Honestly, I’m horrible at these kinds of questions since I have far too many interests in general. And it certainly doesn’t help that Lay has just as many in common. So I think we’d have to keep it simple in order to truly enjoy each other’s company and really experience the other… I guess the best way to do it would be maybe a cooking class or we both cook dinner for each other together. Can hardly go wrong with great food and even better company.

Blossom: I feel like Yongguk is the type to take you out to a romantic dinner for a first date. Just imagining it is making my cheeks heat up! So cute!

CL: I actually have a follow-up for that! If your bias asked you out on a date, and asked you to bring friends for the other members of his group, who would you pick?

Winter: All the girls of legal age from our blog and sister blogs.  [turns towards Soul, Blossom, & Kiwi] Sorry !

Syn: [nods head] What Winter Said. All my biases are at least 21 or older soooooo yeah, sorry y’all.

Lily: Well I’d bring all the girls! Duh!

Soul: All the admins; but if I had to pick one, it'd be Blossom of course.

Blossom: [hugs Soul tight] MY TWIN SOUL!

Kiwi: I'm just gonna bring all the girls so they don't fight me on why I didn't choose them.

Rosa: I’d bring all the girls. [turns to the rest] There’s 5 boys to choose from so yous can scramble over ‘em.

Lily: Kiwi, Rosa, and I are Switzerland it seems. [laughs]

Kia: So let’s say you were strolling down the streets of Seoul just being your fabulous selves.  Or New York or Los Angeles... I don’t know. ANYWAY. If you were ever scouted for KPOP, would you go into training?

Winter: [pulls out megaphone] HELL NO! 

Syn: Can I borrow this? [reaches over to grab megaphone] HELLZ TO DA NAW!! As much as I would love to wear the amazing wardrobe and to be able to perform I couldn’t handle everything that comes with it. The extreme criticism, the little to none creative freedom, barely seeing my family, the sasaengs, the blatant racism. Naw, they can keep that. I’m good.  

Lily: I’ve been performing nearly all my life (whether it was band/orchestra, choir/show choir, plays/musicals).  Actually, college (except freshman year) was the first time I wasn’t on a stage.  So I’d say yes since I really do miss performing and I have such a passion for music. Granted, I know I’d face a shit ton of backlash and go through so much shit (discrimination, racism, you name it) but I think it really would all be worth it just to be on stage again. (Man, I’m such a sappy mess.)  Plus it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and I’d forever kick myself if I didn’t do it.

Soul: Uh, I have mixed emotions on this. Personally, I think I'd say no simply because I'm not talented in that department. Buuut, I'd do it for the experience. There’d be so much racism and discrimination I'd endure but I think I could get through it.

Blossom: First of all I get home sick really really fast, second, I get angry pretty fast too and if i had to go through just 10% of what some idols had to deal with i would be burning my company to ashes and punching everyone in the face

Kiwi: [in her best Simon Cowell voice] It’s a no for me.

Rosa: I would, to be frank. I’d miss my family... Like a lot. But I can’t help but think of all the amazing experiences I would get, I would be able to learn Korean easier as well. Plus I would love to be on the stage.

Kia: Okay, well let’s say you worked for a company as a manager.  If you could be the manager of any girl/boy group or KHH artist who would it be and why?

Winter: For girl groups, I want to manage Stellar or EXID probably.  I feel like they could do so much more if they were handled properly.  There are so many boy groups, but I would definitely want to manage HotShot, Cross Gene or Ukiss.  They have so much talent but it’s not being shown as well as it could be.

Soul: For me, it'd instantly go to Oh My Girl or EXID as well. Both groups have such underlying talent that's too overlooked in the industry. They're both equally amazing in their own ways and I think I could make people see that.

Rosa: Boy Group? Hmmm... There’s two. First is Got7. Surprised? I didn’t think so. It would be so cool and fun to chill with them, discuss music with them, dance with them. I would literally do an album that was all smooth r&b tracks, that I know the boys have been screaming to do since forever. I would show all the foreheads, and allow them to actually let loose and do their thing with music/choreo. Literally their deepest musical desires, I’d help them fulfill.  The second is Block B. Because I love them so much as well, I’d help them get all the recognition. Like you would never know. I’d up the exposure to 10,000, the whole world would know.

Blossom: TOPP DOGG! I would treat them right and let them finally go and blow people away with all their talent. They deserve BETTER. For KHH... NADA! She’s freaking amazing and beautiful and her flow is so good.

Lily:  Hmm… For boy group, it’d definitely be--yep, you guessed it--MadTown.  I think it’d be really fun to co-manage with their current manager Kevin because he’s just an adorable ball of fluff who really loves them and, of course, they’re my boys so I’d work my ass off to get them every opportunity possible to let each of them and/or all of them shine.  For girl groups, it’d either be BlackPink or Red Velvet.  I’m such a sucker for them and I’d constantly be hyping them up like the stage mom I know myself to be.  For KHH, it’s hands down Jessi.  The staff at her company--except for a select few, most notably her current manager who she adores--are so shitty and she honestly deserves better so you can bet I’d get her on every show I could that would allow her to fully express herself as an artist and person.

Syn: For one I wouldn’t manage any boy group just because I couldn’t deal with the crazy amount of fan girls that would be surrounding/following them. Love them but naw I’m good. For girl groups I would love BlackPink just because they seem like fun and energetic girls but also sweet and respectful. For KHH, anyone from AOMG because they are all foolish and I know there wouldn’t be a boring day managing them.

Kia: One last question from me and I hope you have your thinking caps on because it’s kind of hard.

Lily: Oh my stress.

Kia: Hush. Anyway. Say you were the head coordinator for the MAMAs what would be your performance line up. And what we award would you add? Take away?

Syn: [laughs] Dang this is a hard one.  Mainly because I’ve only watched  two full MAMA’s and clips of another one. I would love more collab stages of the artists/groups that are on the same level. Like rookies with rookies, vets with vets and that such. OH! I would love a BTS & EXO collab stage just because the fanwars are getting too ridiculous and I want everyone to share the love. I would add more KHH awards and also more awards for artists from other countries. Like it is called Mnet ASIAN Music Awards, why are they only focused on acts from Korea? Also get rid of the Netizen Popularity Award. Like we don’t need more drama than it already is.

Winter: Open with a rookie collab stage, close with the veteran artist that promoted that year.  In with the future and show proper respect to the elders, yanno.  I would bring back Best Mixed Performance so KARD has that locked down and--like Syn--get rid of the Netizen Popularity Award because that is just some bull that fuels fandom wars.

Lily: Hmmm… I’d also open with a massive rookie collab stage.  But like a super dramatic one to really make an impact and let folks know this ain’t ya ordinary MAMA’s (think 2013 and 2015 MAMAs on steroids).  I’d have different underdog groups perform between the different award presentations/awards clusters to show off their talents.  As we go through the night, I’d have the bigger groups perform and work my way up to the veteran artists.  For the final stage, I’d think it’d be really badass to have a collab stage with all senior-most veteran artists to collab together for a stage.  Oh! I’d also love to do collab stages with artists of the same companies (groups from smaller companies would get mixed in with the groups from bigger ones). I would get rid of Netizen awards as well because let’s be real they’re kinda pointless and cause so much unnecessary drama.  Like our focus should be on the music, not some pointless drama.

Rosa: I haven’t got a clue lol. I just wanna see a whole bunch of collabs, including rookie collabs. I want Got7 to actually have a proper stage to themselves for once, instead of performing like one song. [rolls eyes] I also want to see some of the veterans of kpop perform on their own, or even collabing with newer groups/artists. Netizen awards can burn.

Kia: So Netizen awards are officially canceled?

All: And deleted. [all laugh]

Tia: Oh man, I’m so glad I didn’t have to answer that! [laughs] You guys are such incredible writers but you are also relatively avid readers. What overused prompt for fanfiction is secretly your favorite? Jaebum is your brothers best friend, Grew up with S. Coups etc…

Winter: I think my favorite overused prompt is you bump into each other in public and you just have to have one another.  Whether it be the club, a store or coffee shop.  I just think it’s so ridiculous but hilarious.

Rosa: Well actually, I don’t read a lot of fanfiction, so i don’t see many overused prompts. [giggles] But ‘brothers best friend’ is one that I have seen more than once, yet I love it.

Soul: My favorite prompt would be childhood best friends. I don't know, there's something about the bond of people that grew up together that I can get behind. It's really cliche but I love it anyways.

Blossom: I like when they growing up up together and they gradually fall in love with each other, it’s so cute.

Kiwi: The best friends and they’re both oblivious, but everyone else knows they like each other. Some of the situations are just pure ignorance and it's great.

CL: If you guys had to pick your favorite fanfic writers, who’d make it to your list at the moment?

Syn: Too many to choose from but our sister blogs are my go-to’s.

Winter: You three of course! As well as @chanyeolspout​ and all the admins here.  I don’t usually find and stick with one writer but I do with these ladies.  I also don’t read any Reader x Idol stories if they didn’t write them.

Lily: Winter hit the nail on the head here! I also really love what Iris of @jeonjagiya​ creates (her Hoseok series “Transference” is INCREDIBLE) and I have a huge soft spot for Lu of @tayegirecs​ and Kara of @seokvie because they were two of the first fanfic writers I actively followed when I got into kpop.  Off of Tumblr, it’d be seitsemannen (AO3); her GOT7 work “Playhouse” is a MASTERPIECE.

Soul: I agree with Winter as well. I haven't really had time to branch out on my own yet haha.

Blossom: I agree with Winter, all our admins and the lovely sister blogs!

Kiwi: Tayegi, @pjimims and the rest are what Winter said.

Rosa: I don’t really read fanfiction so I don’t really know...  But I gotta say, tayegi with her "Equilibrium” series is great. Also, @please-baby-calm-down is good too; I love "Three’s a Crowd.” I need to catch up on both of these though! As you can see i love poly fics. [giggles]

CL: So let’s talk more about the blog.  What motivated you to start this blog in the first place? Where does the name KPPD comes from?

Kiwi: It all started in the group chat we all joined. A couple of late nights later we had the idea and inspiration to make a blog together. I don't know the real inspiration though. I’d say we were all hyping each other up.

Winter: Good question!  I don’t know...I wasn’t expecting this to be this big or go this far honestly.  Like, we’ve been doing this for a year and have all these followers, an Instagram account and a merch store?  BANANAS!

Soul: The motivation really just came from the group chat we were in. Everyone was on board to start a blog and it had such a good meaning behind it and I loved what everyone was bringing to the table.

Lily: I think it was Winter that came up with our blog name.  We were just tossing out random titles and she said and no one could top it.

Blossom: Retweet Soul and I honestly don’t remember who came up with the blog name but I’m guessing Lily is probably right--she has a good memory.

Rosa: I didn’t want to join the blog at first, because I thought wtf I can’t write anything, so what am I gonna do on this blog? But I’m kinda glad I did. Nobody remembers [chuckles], but I actually came up with the name for the blog: We were spitballing names in the chat, and I put forward some stupid joke names, but then I said Kpop Panty Drop and everyone was cool with it. So that’s what we went with.

Lily: Please let the record show my memory has failed me and I shall never again speak without receipts.

Winter: I never thought this day would come...Lily, silent? A miracle. [snickers]

Tia: You each have different styles of writing but if you had to pick a niche of writing that you specialize in what would it be? Thriller? Fantasy? Romance? Suspense?

Winter: I think my niche is that I have no niche.  As long as I’m interested in the genre I can write for it.  I originally thought I would just be a smut writer and nothing more.  But being able to challenge myself with other styles and succeed at them, in my unbiased opinion of course, is pretty awesome.

Rosa: I don’t really know.. I think I would love to do them all tbf. I haven’t written any fantasy yet though, but I would like to try!

Lily:  I am more drawn to suspense and thrillers but I haven’t had a chance really to write those genres yet as much as I would like.  I will say that I do enjoy writing drama though not necessarily romance and sometimes angst. I think for me romance comes secondary in a lot of my longer plots unless it’s smut in which a lot of times that romance has to be or have been established in those characters’ relationships.  I tend to throw little sprinkles of fantasy in my writings here and there so I think it’s about damn time I actually write a fantasy story.

Soul: For me, I think its mix of everything. If I feel like it goes with how I'm feeling, then I'll write about it. However, there's usually romance and suspense in there.

Blossom: Lately i’ve been trying to write a little bit of everything! But no matter what there’s usually some type of romance, what can i say. I love love!

Kiwi: I really don’t know. I haven’t written in so long, but from past writings I think it would be suspense.

CL: Does anyone in your personal life know that you run this blog and/or write fanfic? If so, are they supportive? Did you tell them the contents of the blog or no?

Winter: My mom knows lmao.  She actually read my SsamD smut, it was super awkward but she hasn’t read anything since.  Since she’s my boss it kinda works that she knows about the blog because I’ll say I need time to work on something because I actually have inspiration and she knows how I am.  My long distance bestie/sometimes friends with benefits knows.  He helped me with Stalemate actually.

Syn: Nope! I mean they don’t even understand my kmusic obsession, they are not going to understand this blog. Plus most of my family is like super religious so if they were to find out I work on a blog called “KpopPANTYDROP” I would be shamed… *cue the Game of Thrones reference scene*

Lily: Nope. It’s not that I’m ashamed of the blog (I mean my family and friends have walked past me while I’ve been writing and adjusting things on the blog) but it’s just never come up in conversation and I’m the type of person that if you don’t ask me something, I won’t answer it because I won’t know to answer it.  Plus my family and friends already know that I listen to all kinds of music so they never once batted an eye when they heard me listening to kpop because my tastes are just that eclectic.

Rosa: Nah nobody knows. My brother has read smuts on the blog but he doesn’t know I’ve written them or whatever. I’m cool with them not knowing too. I’m a very secretive person, and I keep myself to myself anyway so yeah.

Soul: This girl from school knew. All the admins know what I'm talking about lol. And my best friend knows, they were super supportive. I told my best friend what's on the blog, the other girl knew already.

Blossom: Yes, a lot of people know I have them blog with the other admins but they don’t know the content loll. Only like 2 people know the content and they are very supportive!

Kiwi: My mom knows I run a blog, but she doesn’t know what type of blog and I'm gonna keep it that way. Other than that my two close friends know about the blog.

Tia: Okay, now to get a little bit more serious.  When it comes to writing what's your weakness? What do you think you can't do or needs improvement?

Lily: I get too caught up in the details which, ironically, really muddles up the images I’m trying to portray.  I also get really hung up on technical things which can also impede the voice, flow, color of the story.  There’s been so many times where I will write and rewrite a particular sentence just to get it right that by the time I’ve finished editing, I’ve lost a lot of motivation to finish writing for that day.  I just have to step back and remind myself not to get in my way and by extension the characters’ way.

Rosa: Okay, I have a ton of weaknesses when it comes to writing.. So I’m gonna be lame and say everything is my weakness. I tend to waffle a bunch as well sometimes, and my fics make no sense.

Soul: It's all me. I think I'm my biggest weakness because I don't really like my writing all that much. Compared to the other admins, it's shit haha. I know I can be better at what I do, I just need the confidence to push myself.

Blossom: Self doubt, I worry a lot that my writing just isn’t good enough for the blog sometimes and that my spot as an admin is undeserved. Which is my why it takes me so long to write my fics and they’re so short. I put a lot of effort into my works but there's still lots of room for improvement. I want to be best of the best and I’m nowhere near close to that.

Kiwi: I can’t do shit. I’ll write, reread what I wrote, think it's not good enough, delete it, then take a long break. That's my process. I need to improve everything. (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

Winter: My weakness is me.  I honestly think my writing is shit, which I’m not supposed to say but I’ve always been my harshest critic and biggest anti-fan.  Whatever I do it can always be better, I can do better.

Lily: For the record, I would just like tell all of you that you’re wrong and I will happily continue to aggressively compliment you until you believe it and in yourselves. That is all.

Kia: I second Lily.

CL: I third.

Tia: I fourth.

CL: Okay, back to the tough questions: As poc, what is your biggest challenge in the kpop fandom?

Rosa: Pretty much people telling me I shouldn’t like this person or that group or whatever, because of this drama and that drama.. Let me, do me. I’m an adult, I can look at things, and make a logical decision for myself. Don’t tell me what to do. Also, people telling me “I’ve let black people down, I’m a disgrace to my race.” No. I love Korean culture as in the foods and music, but I’m not out here bleaching my skin or denying my blackness so please tell me how I’m letting poc down? Plus if I were to cut off everything that offended me--colour wise, gender wise, religion wise--I would have to live on Mars, because it’s everywhere.

Winter: My biggest challenge is also people telling me to be angry.  I hate it and think about leaving the blog at least twice a month when I see/read a “Why would you support this/them?  Why aren’t you angry right now?”  I have a LOT of anger in me from everyday stresses and I can’t afford a therapist to work through it.  Music is my therapy, so I don’t go into it looking for things to be angry about.  If that was the case I wouldn’t be able to listen to any music that was made...damn near ever.  Appropriation, racism, colorism, sexism, all the -ism’s and just blatant stupidity is rampant EVERYWHERE.  I’m not going to argue about someone when if something offends me I can simply, turn it off and listen to something else.  My motto is one of RuPaul’s quotes: “If they don’t pay your bills, pay those bitxhes no mind."

Syn: Everything Winter said. Plus people that tell me I shouldn’t be listening to them because they take from black music. Like if you are so called “woke” then you would know almost every popular genre of music out there have was taken from Black people. Like so you don’t want me to listen to music at all?

Soul: we’re always looked at as problematic when an idol blatantly takes our culture and we shut they asses down. Sheer ignorance and it seems like your opinions don't matter.

Blossom: 1. People always look down on us 2. The colorism and ignorance 3. The unneeded drama

Kiwi: Being represented the correct way. Pure ignorance. They want the culture but not the lifestyle. Blackface (this isn't just kpop this is in general).

CL: You guys have endured a lot within this past year, most notably several plagiarism scandals. Have the plagiarism episodes changed you in any way? What would you like to say to people who do this?

Soul: It's made me more cautious. I haven't put out anything but it's given me a slight fear to do so. To the people who do it, have fun because y'all gon steal from the wrong one and y'all gon end up in court or jail. And originality is a thing, get some of it, it's free.

Lily: It has made us more...guarded I guess you could say. We’re all more hyper vigilant in monitoring activity on and off the blog. It still really--pardon my language-- fucking hurts and it’s incredibly disheartening to see your works stolen. For every 100 words written, there’s at least upwards of 3 hours spent writing and perfecting them. So a story--even a drabble--takes at least a day and in many cases several months to complete. But in a matter of seconds, all your hard work and effort you spent crafting this piece into something that you are actually happy enough with to publish is practically ripped from your hands and it’s really a slap in the face and a kick in the gut. I really wanted to stop writing altogether after each theft because I didn’t want to feel that pain and anger anymore but I kept on-- I keep on because it’s something that I love and I’ll be damned if I give anyone the satisfaction of breaking me.

Blossom: It just made me pay a bit more attention to things, look out more. To the people that do it...just do better hun! Take your time and your own ideas and inspiration will come to you! Remember the process of writing take a lot of time and don’t be surprised or act stupid when and original author and their followers comes for you.

Rosa: Nah, it hasn’t changed me much. I just think I care less now. To the people who do it, I just want to say that karma is gonna get them one day.

Winter: I’m more...meh now.

Kiwi: Karma is gonna have a great time in your next life ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Syn: What I would say to them? Hmmm..... Fuck you.

CL: I don’t know if I told you, but it was because of your answer to one of my anon question in your confessionary that I had the courage to write my Fat Fiction Series. You guys make such a positive influence on countless people (especially for marginalized groups) and I’m living proof. How do you guys deal with this amazing task? Do you have similar stories like mine (with you and/or followers)? And do you guys have your own personal struggles, like body or health issues, sexuality, etc and do they contribute in any way to your work in KPPD?

Blossom: Well cheese puffs… I didn’t know that and i never really thought of us having an influence on people. To me it’s usually just us saying how we feel and expressing our opinions on things people come and ask/tell us.  We’re all young and still growing into ourselves. I struggle with my emotions and expressing them properly, anxiety, i have back problems, like the list goes on and on lol but i know no matter what it’ll be okay! I used to not be able to look at myself in the mirror and now all i see is beauty, i used to hide and not speak about my sexuality but now i really don’t care, I used to cry myself to sleep every. Night. Now my smiles are real and i have an amazing happiness surrounding me. I 100% think my personal issues and such influence my writings and contributions to the blog, many of my ideas are from real life events or things that reminded me of someone or something in my life.

Soul: I've always struggled with my sexuality. I've never know what I truly was or what I liked so I don't put a label on myself anymore. I was so afraid that no one would accept me for who I was and it truly got to me when I came out to my mom, I didn't hear what I thought I would. It wasn't that she didn't accept it but she didn't believe me. I'm over it now honestly. I never thought about our influence on people. I didn't think we were that kinda blog

Kiwi: I just don't like myself at all. Not the amazing story you were looking for unfortunately. As Lily likes to say, “Practice what you preach.” Never happens in my life, just my writing.

Rosa: I mean I don’t think I’ve had any part in creating positive influences on people. But I’m glad the blog and other admins are able to do it. I have many issues, many... It’s impossible to list. I’m not about to start a pity party, but I’ve always hated the way I look, and always hated my weight. Ever since I was younger and I can’t escape it, no matter how many people tell me I’m not fat or whatever, it’s just something I’ve accepted so yeah. Health issues? Ugh where do I start? I always joke and say hospital is my second home, but it’s the truth. I am always in hospital for something or another and don’t get me started on mental health. As for sexuality, that’s the only thing I’ve never had any problems with.. Erm...in regards to writing, I haven’t put any of my issues into any writings I’ve done. Just because I don’t really want to, ‘cause I wouldn’t know how to write it and I want to keep my stuff separate from the blog.

Winter: I never struggled with my sexuality per se, I just never gave a damn.  And I have some health issues now that I, I don't want to say battle because my struggles aren't even that bad just inconvenient.  But I still struggle with body issues.  I've always been big. I've been 5’10” since third grade and that was hard to move to a new school and just be this random tall kid from the South.  Then I got a few injuries and wasn't able to be as active so I started gaining weight when I learned to cook.  I've never been too comfy in my own skin, so when we have someone come in and say they struggle with it I get it.  But even though I struggle myself, I hate to see someone feel less than.  I'm always told I need to practice what I preach, maybe one day. 

Lily: First off Rosa, that’s a lie: You have contributed so much and influenced so many people in so many ways just by being unapologetically you.  I think that goes for all of us, but for you especially.  Okay now that’s off my chest... this is going to be really long but...

I think my biggest aim since day one has been to just make everyone who I’ve come into contact with--followers, mutuals, and admins alike--feel that they have an ally that’s always with them no matter what it is they may be going through.  We each endure so much on a daily basis from any number of struggles and issues we may have in our lives and our individual struggles are just as valid as someone else’s. 

Honestly, I’m the type of person who can endure the worst of the worst so long as it means I’m able to put on a brave face and be strong for someone else.  I know it’s not the best thing for me to push my feelings down, but it’s just something I’ve done all my life.  When I’m in a solid mindset and I’m alone, I unpack everything and process it then.  I like to handle my struggles privately because I often feel that they’re not as important as others’ may be.  Yes, I know that sounds really hypocritical and it is to an extent; but I do open up to the girls about things after I’ve processed my emotions and understand where I was in that moment versus where I am in this one.  I think the first time I fully opened up to them was back in May and it was specifically about some very hurtful things people I had once truly cared for and loved had said about and toward me.   It took me even more by surprise than them because I had done it so freely and without second thought and without any filtering. I just laid it all bare without any expectations of reciprocation or condemnation and really it was just so… The love and care they showed me in that moment is something I will be grateful for forever.

There’s a story--actually, there’s two stories I’m working on right now that haven’t been published that are very close to my heart because they’re the first time I’ll really be allowing some of the darker corners of myself be seen through the lenses of these characters.

Tia: If I may, I just really want to thank you guys for opening up about your struggles. It’s not an easy thing to do, but so many others--such as ourselves--have taken inspiration from your strength. You all have such beautiful spirits.

All: Thank you!

CL: I hate to ruin such a sweet moment with a little filth buuuuuuuut that’s what I’m here for! Writing smut can be fun, exciting and steamy, but how do you feel when the public only goes for the nasty? You guys voiced your discontempt with smut being the biggest (many times the only) expectation of the public before, did it get any better after the hiatus?

Winter: I am a pervert.  You can ask the other admins, 69% of the things I say is sexual or I’m laughing at something my brain made dirty.  That being said, I don’t really like writing smut anymore.  Well, it’s not that I don’t like it.  I just have zero confidence in it.  I’m a kinky person in society’s eyes but I never knew my kinks were kinks until the admins pointed it out to me.  So, I’m scared I guess that I’ll write something that goes too far.  I never want to make someone feel uncomfortable or triggered.  That being said I’m trying to accept that there are people out there like me who are searching for stories with kinks like ours.  Not the same old spank me, bite me, pull my hair.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Soul: I think at the time, it was harder for me to deal with because I can't live up to expectations. It was draining and annoying but I love the way I write now and some people actually appreciate what we do.

Rosa: Um, to be honest, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care. I don’t care what people want any more. [shrugs] Sorry but it’s true. I think I has improved after the hiatus, because I posted ‘Rivalry’ thinking it wouldn’t go anywhere because it didn’t have any smut in it, but almost 600 notes later (I still don’t know why it has so many notes) I guess I was proven wrong?

Blossom: Because it’s a really good story, Rosa! But yeah. January 1st when we opened our requests we prolly got the most fluff and angst requests we’ve ever had, i think people understand a bit better that we’re not just smut writers, we do everything and each admin has their own specialty.

Kiwi: I understand, but at the same time I actually am not a big fan of smut without a plot. I have my limits meaning I don't mind it, but sometimes enough is enough. The admins are not some smut generator. I’m glad people are beginning to realize that and actually ask for other genres or ask for smut that has an actual plot.

Lily:  As frustrating and annoying as it was (and sometimes is), I get it.  We advertised ourselves as a sin bin for the longest time. I mean just look at our blog’s name.  We just made the mistake of truly believing in our hearts that all our followers wanted from us is smut (which yanno is fun to write sometimes but not all the time) so we put all our other fic projects to the side and just focused on churning out filth, but our hearts weren’t in it so it was just really draining and created such unnecessary tension between us (former admins included) that shouldn’t have been there.  But now I can say that things are a lot better between us which really reflects on the blog.  We’re closer than ever though because of all we went through so that’s been a blessing.

CL: To all admins who worked on “Seoul Nights”: This is one of my personal favorite fanfictions ever and one of the first works I’ve read in KPPD. What do you guys feel about it? And as a fan, I need to ask: can we hope to read more from this universe in the future?

Winter: I feel like Seoul Nights is a hidden gem in the Kpop AU world.  People see it and think, oh yeah another mafia AU great.  In fact Lily and I spent WEEKS developing each character's personalities and quirks.  We plotted them out down to the knives hidden under their designer suit jackets (as well as which designers they wear), even their hair color is a decision discussed between us.  But it barely gets any attention and that’s kind of disheartening but at the same time I don’t care because I am so invested in each character's plotline and making sure they get a proper introduction and the story is as fluid as possible. You will read so much more about this universe in the time to come.  You’re still in the introduction phase for this universe.  I don’t want to give away what’s going to happen but I will tell you this.  *leans closer*  Seoul Nights connects with multiple stories on the blog, some have already been published and some are coming this summer.  But this universe is vast and the rabbit hole goes deep.

Lily: There’s really nothing more I can add to this except... [crouches down to show off fake Timbs and claps] FACTS.  It is our precious baby and while we would love for it to get more attention, we’re really grateful for those who have faithfully read the series and are keeping up with it.  Plus, I don’t think there’s really anyone who is more excited for this universe than either of us as well as the other admins who are also contributing to it.  So yeah. I would definitely encourage you to read the series again and again because when things really get rolling, well…

Kia: So what you’re saying is you’re about to kill us?

Winter: Maybe, maybe not~ You’ll just have to see.

Kia: I hate you.

Winter: You don’t but it’s fine. Because I know something you don’t know~

CL: I’m just going to go ahead and write up my will. Just in case.

Winter: Wise choice. [chuckles]

Tia:  I actually have some questions for each of the admins individually. Who would like to go first?

All: We volunteer Lily as tribute.

Lily: Y’all suck.

Syn: Only for Papi. [winks]

Kia: Nassy!

Tia: Y’all are a mess! [laughs] So Lily, you are self-confessed trash for Zhang Yixing--

Lily: AN ANGEL AMONG MEN, WHOM WE DO NOT DESERVE!!!

Tia: --so I’d love to get your take on a couple things.   Do you think that SM’s unfair treatment of Lay will ultimately cause a disruption in the group? On the off chance that SM decides that EXO can do without Lay how will you react?

Lily: I didn’t realize I was presenting my dissertation today. Oh, heavens, I’m so unprepared! [pushes glasses up nose and pulls out notecard while clearing her throat] Actually, I don’t think SM has treated Lay unfairly recently.  Yes, it was incredibly disheartening to see that we wouldn’t have a full EXO comeback but instead EXO-XSBCCDKS (talk about a subunit name!), but we have to look at the facts:  SM allowed Lay to create his own satellite studio in China; no other artist prior to him had been able to do that.  SM also allowed him to self-compose and release a Station track in Chinese; it became the first (and so far only) Chinese solo station song and it broke several streaming records in China. Finally, SM allowed him to release his first mini album which he self-composed, arranged, and wrote as well as helped to produce in Chinese.  The album shattered countless records in China, such as number of albums (physical and digital copies) sold and streaming records, almost daily just about.  He single-handedly saved EXO’s reputation in China and became one of China’s golden sons with his appearance on the hit variety show “Go Fighting!” and through his roles in several TV dramas and films.  He even got to co-host two of the largest festival broadcasts in the nation!  I mean he isn’t called the Prince of Changsha for nothing, you know.  Everything that he’s done over the past few years has been done with EXO’s benefit as well as his own benefit in mind.  He has the most autonomy out of all the members because he wields so much power in China, which is a massive market, so he chooses and finalizes his schedules accordingly.  Given both the recent ban on Korean anything just about in China as well as his high visibility, he undoubtedly decided it would be best if he stepped back from EXO promotions so they wouldn’t receive backlash from C-netz.  Business stuff aside, there is SO much love between him and the members and he mentions them wherever and whenever he can.  And what’s more is they mention him just as often (they even left a spot for him in the music video!).  So all this to say: No, I do not think it will cause a disruption.  I’ll continue to be the loyal XingMi/X’back that I am and support him wherever his career takes him.  And I will still continue to support EXO because I love the other members as much as I do him.

Tia: Hmm, those are some very interesting points.  Rosa, JB is your ultimate bias but with the problematic things he has done before (as most idols) has it changed the way you looked at him? Hands down what the best JB fic you've EVER read?

Rosa: JB is a problem in himself lol.. But honestly? It hasn’t. People have told me it because i’m infatuated with him, that’s why I can’t see his faults, but that’s stupid. I’m not infatuated with anyone, and believe me, I’m the first to call out and be pissed at JB for him doing his stupidity. I’m just able to forgive (not forget) and move on, because well i’ve been riding with him since day 1 and i’m not gonna cut him off like that.  Hmm, I don’t have an answer for this lol.. I mean I’ve only ever read like 2JB fics in my life, cause i’m hard to please and i get bored or turned off really easily. So I haven’t read one that has hooked me enough to say it’s the best one I’ve ever read.. Feel free to send me some though.

Tia: I’ll definitely be on the look out for some for you! Syn,  Jay can be soft and cute but he's also very daddy. Do you think he switches it up or do you think that soft side is really him? The outfit sets you create are gorgeous, how do you find the inspiration to create something new for each idol? 

Syn: Thank you oh so much!! I appreciate the love I really do! Truthfully, it’s all about the picture of the idol and from the picture my imagination goes wild. Once I find a picture I like, I study it and ask myself a million and one questions. I also like to be situational, like what setting is the picture in? what is going on in the background? What are the colors? How are they lighting the idol? After I figure out that I come up with a story in my head base the outfit off that story or based on the colors in the picture. As for putting what with what I can’t tell you because I don’t know myself lol I just go and hope it looks good.  In regards to Papi-- I mean Jay: I personally think both the daddy and soft sides are him. I think his soft side is him is like 85% of the time. As for his daddy side, I think only comes out when he is on stage; and in a more personal setting, someone has to bring is out of him (if you know what I’m saying..)

Tia: You meant Papi, but I’ll let it slide.  [laughs] So Blossom, Youngjae is a tender sunshine, how do you think he is in a relationship?  Would he have a hard time communicating his needs to his partner? What is your relationship communication like? Are you a straight hitter? Passive? Somewhere in between?

Blossom: I think he would be gentle but protective. No, i feel like he would be very open and express his feeling for certain things, but i also think he would hind things to try to keep you happy. I think the communication would be good for the most part, i’m definitely somewhere between straight hitter and passive, i can be very stubborn sometimes but i try to let things go if it seems to be affecting others or if it’s just someone i trust and care very much about i usually just passive.

Tia: Youngjae is such a cutie and you two would be such a cute couple! But your twin, as you call her, is equally whipped for the maknae of his group. So Soul: Yugyeom has shown us that his dance moves are truly sinful, but do his dance moves really correlate to bedroom prowess? How would you handle a man who is a virgin? First time sex wise.

Soul: Ah, this is my unpopular opinion but nah, I don't think it necessarily correlates. You can be the best dancer on the planet and still be hella inexperienced. Since I'm a virgin myself, I think it'd be a learning experience for the both of us. I think it'd be easier to take it slow knowing that you're doing it at your own pace and not trying to impress anyone.

Tia: Soul dropping some soulful wisdom! But I definitely agree it’s important to do what feels natural and best in the moment.  Kiwi, you’re the youngest of the admins so it’s only fitting I ask you a couple things about your ultimate who’s also the maknae of his group.

Winter: And noona hunter!

Tia: Jungkook, the golden maknae. Do you really think he lives up.to that name or is he overhyped? BTS choreo or vocals, you can only choose one. Which is it?

Kiwi: Warning unpopular opinion: I think it's overhyped, but then I see him nail something on his first try and kind of go “good for him.” Still overhyped though. And I choose choreo for sure.

Tia: You’re such a straight shooter and I love it!  Now, last but not least, to perhaps the most sharp shooting admin there is: Winter.  Heechul is known to have a saucy attitude and a smart mouth. In reality could you see yourself being in a stable and loving relationship with him? What's a little fact about Heechul that makes you like him so much?

Winter: In reality I can’t see myself in a stable relationship ever, seriously.  It’s gonna be twisted no matter who I’m with, but I’m okay with that.  It’ll keep things interesting.  Heechul and I would have a long and loving open relationship, if he would agree with the open relationship.  The fact that Heechul is so comfortable in his skin and doesn’t care if people thinks he’s gay because he’s so secure in his sexuality.  That’s admirable and attractive to me.  Also, I like that even though he’s a sassy flirt he gets all shy and his heart flutters when he’s around someone he likes.  

CL: I have some individual questions for you all as well!  I’ll go in the reverse order Tia did, if that’s alright by you.

Winter: Oh Jisoos, I’m first.

CL: Yes, you are! 1) Where do you like to find inspiration in? 2) What do you think you have in common with Heechul? 3) What is the best 2pm era in your opinion? 4) Describe yourself: reason, emotion or both and why?

Winter: 

I find inspiration everywhere the Cosmos allows.  Books, movies, music, dreams, pictures, nature...just everything.  I can be sitting there and see or hear something and all of a sudden, this is where I start to sound crazy but oh well, I hear dialogue between characters or I see an idol doing something in a different world or scene.  It’s frustrating because I’ll think of this awesome new story but then I can’t write it because of time constraints.  

Kim Heechul is my equal in petty, shady, tea spilling savagery as well as being a genderbending flirt.  

The best 2PM era?  Jisoos….GALAXY OF 2PM.  Their Japanese release last year.  BABY LOOK!  BITXH!  The hair, ugh.  The suits, lawd help me.  The overcoats, unnnnnnhhhhh.  EMOTIONS PHOTOBOOK!  I wanna know WHO THE FXXK HURT THEM TO HAVE THEM LOOK SO BROKEN!  

I am ruled by emotion and reason.  Most of the time I’m very levelheaded and I think things through.  I’ll try and see things from all sides because I can’t stand when people take in new information and they let their emotions take over.  But if I think on something or talk about something and emotions run high.  There is no reasoning with me until I calm down and hopefully I don’t hurt anyone or anything before I calm down.

CL: So Kiwi: 1) What does writing means to you in your life? 2) Jungkook: a cinnamon roll or a sinnamon roll? 3) BTS’ best concept for you? 4) Describe yourself: introvert, extrovert or a mix of both? 

Kiwi: 

Believe it or not, I'm not actually a big fan of writing myself. But when I actually feel creative I will write. So I guess it's not that big in my life. 

Sinnamon roll. 

“Run,” hands down. Had a hoe in her feels for once. 

Mix of both. I'm “extroverted” if I personally know you, but I lean more towards introvert.

CL: Soul on to you! 1) What is your work that you’re most proud of? 2) What do you think is Yugyeom’s strongest feature (not necessarily his talent)? 3) GOT7’s music video you think Yugyeom is particularly beautiful? 4) Is there something you always wanted to try or do but couldn’t?

Soul:  

“Only Fools Fall,” hands down. That was the best thing I've written since the blog started. I think it shows what emotion does to people. 

His eyes. He's such an attractive person overall but his eyes are what drew me in. 

That's a hard question, but maybe Never Ever or If You Do. 

Besides running a blog, I've always wanted to try and write a book. I can't really do it right now because I have no inspiration to do so. It's already hard for me to write on the blog without it feeling forced but yeah, that's what I wanna try.

CL: Blossom, you ready? 1) Do you have a favorite place to write? 2) Did you chose Youngjae as your bias or did he chose you? 3)  Favorite GOT7 meme? 4) What do you think is your biggest strength?

Blossom: 

I like writing in the library, i usually get a good bit done when I have the time. 

HE CHOSE ME! When I first got into Got7, I never would have thought Youngjae would be my bias cause I kinda had a type at the time but after getting to know him and falling in love with his smile, his laugh, just his everything there was no way of turning back. 

I don’t really have one since they’re all just walking memes.

Positivity is definitely it.

CL: Syn, let’s chat fashion: 1) You create such beautiful outfit sets and I personally drool over them. What is your personal dressing style? 2) As a fellow stan, I know this will be hard, but… Why Jay Park? 3) Favorite Jay’s album and favorite collab he’s made? 4) What do you think is your biggest flaw?

Syn: Thank You!!! I’m oh so happy you like them! 

My personal style is depending situational. Where I’m going, how long am I going to be there, how I feel and depending on the weather. But usually I like to have a focal point or statement piece of my outfit and then everything else I put on will complement the piece. So not too flashy but not too simple either. I like everything to be clean and there for a reason.

Lawd! Girl! Why NOT Jay Park?? Lol but for real, he is just everything I love in a person. Like take they fact that his music is the bomb diggity and he is fine af. Personally, he is so kind, so generous, so caring, artistic, a goofy sense of humor, and amazing friend, son, and person in general. I love the fact that whenever he comes up he brings everyone with him. He always give credit where credit is due, and is always there to help out someone or give them a chance. I don’t know why more people aren’t stanning him.

I say I do love all his albums but my absolute favorite would be “Everything You Wanted”. I know that’s one of his newer albums and people are going to say “You ain’t a real jaywalker blah blah blah” but seriously if you think about it, all his albums leading up to that one has all been experimental. Take a deeper look, New Breed, Evolution and even World Wide has been experimental and trying to find his sound. With Everything You Wanted, he takes a bits and pieces from each album and figured out what worked and what didn’t and we had everything that worked in that album. The sexy songs, the slow jams, the meaningful songs, the bops, the electronic sounds, both in Korean AND English. Like it really was legit everything I wanted lol. That’s why I love the album. Favorite collab is a hard one just because he slays everyone song he’s on. But I would have to say his songs with ChaCha, “Feature” and “Forever” just because I wasn’t ready for singing ChaCha and I do think their voices work well together.

Biggest flaw would have to be, I don’t believe in myself as much as I should. And because of that I’ve held myself back on some opportunities that would’ve been beneficial in my life and I would be further along in the things I would love to do if I would just say “hey I know I’m good enough”. Example A: this blog lol I didn’t believe I could being anything substantial here that’s why I wasn’t on here in the beginning. So yeah something I need to work on.    

CL: So Rosa, our lovely English rose: 1) What is your biggest difficulty when writing? 2) Why is JB your bias and what is the thing you like most about him? 3) What is your favorite GOT7 song? 4) What is your biggest dream, even if it seems impossible?

Rosa: 

My biggest difficulty is finishing things that I’ve started because I either have no motivation most of the time or I just don’t have time to. 

JB is my bias because I can relate to him: We are pretty much the same person it’s scary. We have a lot of things in common, plus he’s beautiful. The thing I like most is that he can be very serious, but the next minute he’s being extra and playful.

Oh Lord… I can’t. I don’t have one favourite so here are my favourites; “Stop Stop It,” “Sign,” “Prove It,” “Angel,” “Laugh Laugh Laugh,” “Magnetic,” “WOLO,” “Let Me,” “My Home,” “Eyes On,” “Shopping Mall,” and “A” 

My biggest dream is to be able to set my family up, so there are no money worries and then to travel. 

CL: And lastly is you Lilith! 1) When did you start writing? 2) Times are hard for a Yixing stan… Honestly, how are you coping? 3) Your favorite EXO lyrics? And Lay’s lyrics? 4) If you could change anything in yourself or in your past, would you? If so, what would be it? 

Lily: 

I honestly don’t remember when I started writing, but I think I was pretty young--maybe around 7 or so.

I’m actually coping pretty well.  He’s been active a lot more recently in China and he seems to be very happy and well-rested, which really is all I want for him to be.  So as long as he’s good, I’m good.

Um, my favorite EXO lyrics are actually an entire song:  “My Answer.”  It’s just such a gorgeous song! I know it backwards and forwards and I have to listen (and sing along) to it at least three times a week.  The admins know that it has to be played at my wedding. It just has to.  My favorite part is the bridge/breakdown before the final chorus.  Gives me chills EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Honestly, if I were to audition for a company, I’d sing this song.  Ugh, I just love it so much. 

My favorite of Lay’s lyrics? Again, my favorite lyrics are a whole song.  While this one is a tough call, it’s decidedly the acoustic version of “MYM.”  There’s really no way to describe it other than just stunning.  I think it’s the song that best suits his voice, which really just shines since it shows just how well-rounded it is.  And the guitar! C’mon! It should be illegal for a guitar to be played that beautifully.  If you haven’t listened to the song, please don’t ever speak to me again until you do.

You know...There’s a lot in my life that has happened that didn’t go according to plan or anywhere near the plan honestly.  And while I’ve made many mistakes and have been hurt by (as well as hurt) others, everything that has happened, has happened for a reason.  I am who I am today because of it.  So no, there’s nothing I would change. I live my life with no regrets as best I can so I just take whatever comes to me as a lesson and an opportunity to grow.

CL: One final question before you all go to celebrate your anniversary. What is the best thing(s) about running this blog? And the worst?

Blossom: Best: Seeing people's reactions to the things we do. Worst: Drama.

Kiwi: I can barely answer this because I’m never on. But I do enjoy when the admins get happy in the group chat because they're getting compliments on their writing. I hate when drama happens because everyone seems off and upset in the group chat. Becomes a dangerous ride.

Rosa: Best thing about running the blog is reading people’s reactions and comments about something I’ve written. It’s really cool, and I encourage anyone who reads fanfiction to not only like and reblog but leave comments and tags for the writers to read! Worst thing is obviously people saying mean, horrible things in the inbox.

Winter: Best thing is being able to inspire and interact with people from ALL over the globe.  To see and find out we have followers in Germany, Australia, Brazil...WHAT?!?  We’re just a bunch of weirdos and you guys actually WANT to follow us?  I don’t get it lol.  Worst thing is trolls coming at the admins, they act like I’m not a troll hunting anon slayer.  Why would you even try?  I don’t even see why people feel the need to say negative things to people they don’t even know.  That takes time and energy I don’t have to spare.

Syn: Well I can’t say much sense I just started being active but from my observation I love seeing all the love everyone gets when they post their content. Like all the admin’s styles are different and seeing each one of them getting a like or a repost or getting messages from the readers is amazing and it warms my heart seeing that. The worst has to be what happened behind the scenes with that fallout. It sadden me seeing what was going on and basically being helpless and seeing a negative effect it had on the other admins. But we’re better now!!

Soul: The best thing would be to inspire others to start their own blogs, it's nice to know that we're a big influence in that. The worst would have to be all the drama and stress us admins have to go through on what seems like a daily basis.

Lily: I’m such a sappy heaux, but the best thing about running it is being with the girls.  The love I have for them is so deep, it’s actually kind of ridiculous. A close second though is meeting such incredible people like our mutuals; like it’s kind of insane that I’m now able to call the very same people I admired my friends and talk with them nearly everyday.  The worst is definitely all the drama that’s happened on and off the blog.  I could definitely do without it. But a little bad always comes with a lotta good. C’est la vie.

Tia: Thank you all again so much for letting us chat with you!  You inspire so many people on a daily basis and it’s really rewarding and humbling to be able to be as close as we are to you.  I hope you all have a wonderful anniversary and even more wonderful times ahead!

All: Thank you all! We love you!

[rueur]

Morning Pages #38 (01.03.2017)

Wednesday 1st March - 8:53 p.m.

YES! I know. Not the morning. It’s been a couple of days since I last wrote, yes. I know. I’m listening to Ed Sheeran’s newest single right now. It’s called ‘How Would You Feel’ and it’s amazingly corny but Evan showed it to me and he said that it was somewhat describing what he’s been feeling lately. And if that’s true, then he’s far more of a romantic than I had initially thought. The last two dates we’ve had - when he came to Quarry Hills and we watched the sunrise and now my birthday - we’ve stayed up rather late just talking, just enjoying each other’s company. The thing is though, is that this kind of wanting to stay awake with somebody, killing sleep because you can’t get enough of that other person’s company, this was something I’ve only ever had with Malith and with Malith it was more because we recognised each other as kindred spirits in a more familial way. With Evan, it feels like a soul connection. It really does, and I can’t entirely explain it and I don’t think that he can either. Everything about this just screams destiny, like meeting him was a big smack in the face from the universe, the rhythmic, cosmic order of this space we inhabit just letting me know that he and I were meant to be spending these nights together, staring lovingly at each other and ignoring the rest of the world. The past month or so has been the most intense, most memorable experience. Falling in love with him was like being hit by a car and dying straight on impact, like it just happened. Immediate and so perfect you could legitimately argue that it had to be fated.

I spent the day with him in Thornbury for my birthday, well by day I mean from about half past six till we caught the train back to South Morang at half past midnight. We had dinner at a Thai restaurant on St Georges Road, which was actually pretty lovely. I had the Pad Khee Mao and he had the Prik Khing, I think. But it was with seafood and pineapple chunks, like he essentially got the thai equivalent of a burger with the lot. The issue with this was that he was too full to help me finish my food, because of course I left some over. Not because I was too full, but mostly because I’m a slow as fuck eater and I always feel bad when he needs to wait for me to finish. I feel that way whenever anybody needs to wait for me to finish, really.

I just took a break to sing for a little bit, sorry. I was supposed to do a lot more writing today; I was supposed to do a lot more of everything today. I at least went to the gym, but I’m yet to do any reading and I need to do it like right after I finish writing up these pages because I have a very early start tomorrow morning, I mean early for me because it means being at South Morang station and on the train before 7:30 a.m. to get to my 9 a.m. journalism tutorial. I’m already a little iffy about this subject to be honest with you. The textbook reads like it was an absolute piece of piss to write, and it was $83, and that was with my co-op discount too. Thankfully my ASG came in on my birthday, so I had the money to pay for it and to top up my myki pass too. And to renew my travel concession! That cost nine dollars! FOR A LITTLE BIT OF LAMINATED PAPER? Goodness, PTV. You’re really scrounging for spare change here, aren’t you? I got a bit sidetracked here, I know, but this is supposed to be stream-of-consciousness. I feel like I say that a lot, and there’s a high chance that I do in fact say that a lot in these pages, but I also feel like I need to keep reminding myself because this reads so much like a diary. I just feel like if I’m going to indulge myself with this kind of writing, I might as well use it to record some of my memories and thus, remember them a lot clearer and for a lot longer. I’m at least grateful I started doing this right before I met Evan, like a week before I met Evan, because I want to remember everything from this past month and a half. I don’t want to forget any second I’ve spent with him and am yet to spend with him. He just texted me, two hearts. I haven’t been very communicative today, like he sent me a message at noon today and it was two before I replied to it. I said I got caught up in my work, even though today was a day off uni and he knows that today is a day off uni for me. To be fair, I kind of did get caught up in work, like it was an honest albeit shitty excuse. I was at the gym, having finished my workout before I messaged him back. He was telling me to catch the Route 1 or 8 tram to his house rather than take the train, because then I wouldn’t have to go all the way to Flinders St from uni, I can just catch the tram straight out of the city. We’ll see if it’s fast, I mean I have a feeling that the tram might be slow during peak hour traffic, and considering that my last class finishes at around six tomorrow, it’s highly likely that I’ll already be getting to his in the nick of time. I’m going to go and see him play basketball tomorrow night, and also I’ll be going to his HOUSE before that so I’ll be meeting his parents tomorrow as well, which is only just a little bit terrifying. As a result of this terror, I spent most of the morning trying to fix my pimple scars. I had a massive breakout after Manasha died, and the aftermath of it is still quite plain on my face, on my nose in particular. I hate the pimple scar on my nose right now. It’s an enormous splotch that has gotten me feeling incredibly self-conscious for the past week or so. I really want it to disappear right now, but I know that even if it does I’ll still feel self-conscious, because my body is also currently covered in a large number of mosquito bite splotches. We’re talking nine or ten down the length of my right arm, and three on my left, four on my right leg, and three on my left. Oddly there are far less mosquito bites on the left side of my body, which I only just realised now after writing this. Hmm. I also have a number of splotches at the base of my spine, from the pimple outbreak. And I just had my period. Oh, my period finally came. It came on Friday the day after the poetry slam and Evan’s birthday, so I had it on my birthday. Which was a shame, because Evan actually stayed at mine on Monday night. We spent some time enjoying each other’s company after dinner in a park near his house, and then he was supposed to ride home with me (he bought his bike along) from Mill Park back to his house in Thornbury. But when he got to mine ammi was still up and heard our plans, and insisted that he sleep over and then leave in the morning because she didn’t want him to be out on the street. Evan only agreed to it because he wanted to ‘stay in her good books’, although he needed to be home to buy J. Cole tickets, which were going to be available at 11:30 the next morning. Anyway, I brought down my grey blanket and my thickest pillow and made up a bed for him on the couch, and then changed into my pyjamas and then get him company downstairs for what was supposed to be a little while but as you could’ve already guessed, didn’t turn out to be a little while. Like we spent 7 hours together the night we watched the sunrise, we spent about ten hours together on my birthday. From 1 to about half past four in the morning, we were pretty much just talking/making out on the couch and we were pretty much on the verge of having sex, like he had been keeping a condom in his wallet since we’d started going out and he pulled that condom out and was like ‘let’s do it’, and I had to remind him that I was on my period and that we were downstairs in my family home, and that we absolutely couldn’t. We might be doing something this weekend though, I mean I don’t know. We got really into it on Monday night, I mean he was on top of me at one point and my hands were up his shirt and he was pulling me to him and I was pushing myself up to him and we just wanted our bodies to be as close as possible. At one point, he told me to take the lead and that little experiment ended up with my on top of him again and his hands were all over me. He ran them up and down my body with such tenderness, until he got to my breasts. He held them for a second, again with such a firm delicateness, and then he started kissing them and I just melted, I swear to you. I was clinging to him, I couldn’t not touch him.  He felt so wonderful, so warm and firm and when he was holding me, it just felt so right, it felt like I was finally in a place that I’d been searching my entire life to find. I don’t even say this lightly, I am so in love with him. And I know it’s weird, being this in love with a person when my last relationship had really only just PROPERLY ended like two or so months ago, because Ikaros and I were still intimate after we’d broken up like that’s weird, but I just can’t help but feel like something is very right here. Everything is clicking together. I actually thought I was going insane when I was talking to ammi about this yesterday evening after uni, but the thing is is that I had to tell her. I didn’t want to, like I don’t really like encouraging her prying into my personal life, but I just needed to know I wasn’t crazy. She did reassure me a little bit, by letting me know that whenever she prayed for me, a voice in her head would tell her not to because I was going to be just fine on my own, and that I would realise things on my own. About people. About Ikaros. And about Evan. About what I’m being given and what I deserve. Evan has been treating me with nothing but love and kindness, and I do not question whether or not he cares for me at all because he proves it every day. ALREADY.

I told Evan a little more about Ikaros on Monday night, and about how the relationship was very much for his sake rather than mine for most of last year, and about how it became unhealthy because of that imbalance. I told him that I wasn’t really treating myself well nor was Ikaros treating me well by the end. Evan told me about his ex too, and that story was rife with drama. I actually felt rather bad for him when he was telling me about it, because it all seemed like such an unnecessary ordeal that he put himself through because he wanted to believe in the power of love, which is definitely something I can relate to. I did love Ikaros, and I don’t believe I do anymore but I know that in time, I can love him again in a far greater way, a far more beneficial way for the both of us. We were definitely in love, but that love was never strong enough to make us look past our different characters and values. With Evan, it seems like I won’t have that issue. Of course it’s too premature to say anything, but I can’t help but remember how I realised all the red flags with Ikaros pretty much a month or so into being with him. It’s been a month with Evan now and in that time, we’ve ACTUALLY been together which is a massive tick, but we’ve also experienced no real character clashes. Everything seems to be rather in sync.

[an-accidental-testament]

A run-down bar in the Harbour. The Leaky Dinghy. It’s full of the usual, rich people to get a thrill from drinking in a seedy bar, and criminals who can’t afford any better. You sometimes wonder if any of the “criminals” are paid actors, and wonder if you could get that kind of gig. You certainly look grimy enough. That’s the last time you’ll ever take a job in the sewers, you tell yourself. You know it won’t be, but you’re tired and cold and smell like a trog. To be fair, you probably have bits of trog on your tunic. You debate learning some cold spells, hoping for cleaner kills. You know you never will, as soon as you hear a thunderclap from outside. You don’t know how to give up the storm.

A man sits on a stool at the bar. He has dirt on his clothes, but it’s the swords at his hip that really tell you what he is. Only itchies openly carry that brazenly. You see a eight-prong on his chest, dyed red and silver. The whiskey bottle next to him seems out of place, especially with how he’s drinking it, like he’s not remotely interested in tasting it, just wanting it in his stomach. You decide not to judge him too harshly. After all, if he’s drinking that hard, he may be willing to share.

You sit down next to him, and ask him what he’s celebrating. He looks at you, and you can tell this isn’t his first bottle tonight. “Another successful raid on a kobold gang. You’ll see it tomorrow, but Dol Dorn is sending plenty of congratulations down on me and the squad.”

Of course he’s a sword of Dol Dorn, the arming swords should have been a dead giveaway, but you feel like being tired was enough of an excuse.

He doesn’t seem very happy about this, somehow. You wonder, out loud, if it was because they didn’t put up enough of a fight.

“They fought hard, and they fought to the last apprentice. Surrender is never on their minds.”

You can hear a wealth of meaning in that sentence, but it’s too late. He’s already turned back to his bottle, and you know he doesn’t want to talk about it.

You head home, letting the rain wash what you can off your clothes. You know you’ll clean them with magic later, but you’re sentimental. You remember when you first started, how you couldn’t control it, couldn’t even figure out the most basic of magic tricks. You were sure when you got it right, you could do anything you wanted, you could have your own kingdom, be lord of the sky. You tamp down those memories as you approach the ladder built into the side of a building. You climb up the bamboo rungs and crawl into the little shack built on someone’s roof. The first owners of the house below had built it to be an observatory, apparently not having heard that Stormreach earns its name. At least you get it for free, you think. Your powers got you something. Your stomach is hoping you could get some food with your ‘awesome storm powers.’ When was the last time you ate? Yesterday? Two days ago? You know it could be worse, but that doesn’t make it any better. You spend a few minutes practising what’s growing to be your favourite cantrip, and dry out your clothes and tattered beddings. Then you do one of your favourite combinations of spells, and take a bowl of rainwater, warm it, dump it on the beddings, then magically dry them. Leaves them toasty warm but still dry. You gather them up and look out on the harbour and pretend you’re in a studio apartment, with the same view. If there’s anything that makes this open-air, leaky, broken-down shack worth anything, it’s being able to look out on the water.

You lie there and indulge yourself in the dreams you had as a kid, imagining all the things you would buy when the world finally accepts your dreams. The storm lulls you to sleep, like it always has.

It was almost a week later when you see him again, and this time, you’re in a different bar, the Wayward Lobster to meet a contact. Stonejaw was saying this contact could use an extra hand for a job with one of the minor Coin Lords, and you could use the legitimacy. Could use the coin, too, but you don’t like to think about it. Maybe, you think, if you could impress a Coin Lord in this, you might get jobs of your own, and maybe you could get more consistent pay, even… You cut that line of thought off harshly. You’ve gotten your hopes up too often for that.

He’s fully cleaned up, and you think that it’s a new set of mail underneath the breastplate. He doesn’t souch with the tired drunkenness he had before, nor is he rigid like most people who wear Host marks. He sits casually, comfortably in his booth. You come up to the bar and order a Xen’Drik Daiquiri, which Stonejaw said would be the signal to your contact. The bartender recognizes this, and points you to the booth with the as-yet un-named Dol Dorn worshipper.

The seats have obviously been cleaned, repeatedly, but they never quite get the smell of the ocean out of it. The Lobster is too close to the docks, and the sailors have left the unmistakable scent of sea, sweat, and spirits in every inch of this bar.

“So you’re the firepower I asked for.”

He doesn’t mention the Leaky Dinghy, so neither do you.

“You any good?”

You take some offence at the thought, and explain to him, through gritted teeth, just how good you are. The storm writhes in your blood, and you doubt any simple paladin could understand that feeling.

He raises an eyebrow, but laughs. “More than you might think. There’s an alley down the street, leads to our next job. I’ll be at the mouth of the alley around second afternoon bell. If you think you’re good enough, show up. Oh and you might want to have a light lunch beforehand. Intel suggests there’s a trog or two in there.”

You begin to stand up, getting the sense you’ve been dismissed, but he stops you with a raised hand.

“Have you had supper yet? I was about to and I miss having a friend with me for a meal. My treat.”

You internally roll your eyes, your first thought assuming it’s another idiot thinking you’ll be his ‘ebony princess’, but your stomach reminds you you could use the meal, and he hasn’t hit on you once yet.

You sit down, and he gives a relieved smile. “So this place is best known for it’s seafood, but their wild pig roast is brilliant, especially when I’m missing home.”

You’re listening, but he barely seems to be, lost in his memories. “My biggest problem is it’s often too much food for one meal, and I hate taking my food out with me. It reminds me of all those times, with the Greenspears, saying that if I want to be a real dancer for the Darastrix, I’d have to grow more.”

That certainly catches your attention, and you cautiously ask him what Darastrix means, and why he’d be dancing for them.

“Just what the kobolds I grew up with called anyone who worshipped the Host as extensions of the old dragon gods. I’ll tell you more sometime, if you want, but Uncle likes to say that you shouldn’t talk with new coworkers about religion, sex, or money.”

That seems fair to you, and you admit to a little homesickness as well, asking if they have any alligator. You also wonder out loud if you have to get up to order food here, because it is far larger than most diners you’ve eaten at, and you see no servers.

“It’s a lot easier if you know the cook,” he points out a stout human sitting at the bar, “most people order and eat at the bar, so Mahmoud prefers to sit there, so they can hear the orders themselves.”

“Hey Mahmoud, wild pig plate and a gator soup? And for Balinor’s sake, can you keep the pig plate to the size of a plate?”

The cook chuckles knowingly, as he limps into the kitchen, grabbing a clean apron on the way. You notice his right leg is shorter than his left, and your new coworker follows your gaze. “Damned fool healer on his boat set it wrong.”

You nod-  you know that it takes more healing than anyone living in the Harbour district could afford to fix that.

A few minutes later, a prepubescent of indeterminate sex comes up to the table with a cup of tea for you, and a mug of coffee for your opposite. “Best thing about Stormreach? We’re close enough to so many sugar plantations that you can be picky about your sourcing.” He puts nearly two full spoonfuls of sugar into the coffee as he talks. “The Lobster only buys it from the Twelve-run experimental farm, which at least actually bought the land, instead of just knocking down some jungle.”

You enjoy your dinner, the soup somewhat saltier than your parents used to make, but just as spicy. You hadn't realized how much better having food from home would comfort you. But that could also be because it was the first full meal you'd had in weeks. He looks nervouslyat you as you eat, and you realize he was trying to impress you to some degree. He still hasn't made the slightest of moves on you, romantic or sexual, and you leave the diner full and curious. The rain is down to a light patter and a thick fog, rolling over the Harbour like a blanket. Sleep comes easily in warm sheets.

You meet with Stonejaw the next morning, and he smiles knowingly. "You've got a chance to get out, girl. You should take it. I'll miss having an operative who ain't afraid of heights, but you know I push my people to get better paying jobs when they can." The bear-sized half-orc chuckles into his thick coffee. He grimaces slightly, and you know it has nothing to do with the black sludge in his hand. "You figure out the price yet?" You're confused. Your temporary partner hadn't mentioned a price during the dinner, and you question your friend.

"Everything's got a price, and opportunities like this more so. Sometimes, it's just your skills that are the price. Sometimes, it's to feel all nice cause their bein' generous to a street rat. Other times, it's your ability to be all morally ambiguous, cause you're from the streets. Sometimes, it's just having a friend, and sometimes, it's sex. And you have to decide what you're up for, what works for you. I've done it, and the truth is that it's only different from fighting if you think it is. Some people decide they'll fight for money, but won't screw. Other people pick the other way around. Hells, it can change by the day. Don't feel pushed into anything you feel you ain't up for, but say no ‘cause you don't want to, not cause some preacher says no."

Your eyes harden, and you feel strangely protective. You defend your new friend to your old one, but as you're surprised by how quickly you trusted him, you resolve to ask him what exactly he wants out of you. And, you muse, what you want out of him.

An alley. You smell old scales and returned beer. You see your new.. Employer? Coworker? Friend, maybe? Standing at the mouth, humming what sounds oddly like “Ode to an Eagle,” from your childhood. His swords glean, his armour brightly polished. His eyes light up when he sees you, and you wonder if he had hired anyone else for this.

The entrance and the warren are familiar to you. You might not have been in this one, but you’ve been in a hundred others, and every kobber’s hole is the same. It is strange how deserted it is-you’re used to being greeted with threats and the pay for a job, not doing a job on them. You shake off the vague sense of wrongness about raiding the kind of people you usually work with, because you know they’d do the same if they could. You’re sure they would. You begin to remark on how quiet it is, but you see him cooing over a totem-carved torch on the wall. It looks like the usual to you-big teeth and scales, but your companion turns to you and gushes. “Look! Every tribe in cities, so far away from the Elder Wyrms, has to find their own way to venerate their Progenitors. It’s the easiest way to tell tribes apart. They’ve decorated this welcome-totem with their own scales, to imitate an Elder’s leg. It’s a brilliant idea, and whoever placed it was a true artist-they must have completely taken it all down and rearranged it every time they wanted to add more.” He continues to jabber excitedly for a few minutes, as you two walk deeper in. When, finally, you find a fortification manned by kobolds, your employer hisses at you to sheathe your weapons, and to put your hands up, like he is. His hands are open in front of him, but near the centre of his chest, pointed out, with his thumbs touching.

He speaks Draconic to the kobolds, but it sounds more like the yipping that they tend to, than the lower, rougher Draconic you’ve heard others speak. The kobolds respond angrily, shaking their weapons, and he seems to sigh, looking more like he did in the Leaky Dinghy than ever since. His hands drop to his swords, he asks whatever question he had been asking one more time, though it sounds like he already knows the answer. With one more angry yip from your targets, he grits his teeth.

Suddenly, he kicks out the support for the scaffolding they were standing on, and his swords are barely out of their sheaths when they catch a kobold in the armpit, nearly shearing through its chest. The left-hand sword draws open its throat, and one enemy is dead before the others can respond. You recover from the shock far faster, pouring a bolt of lightning into your first target-the one with a skull on its head and a staff in its hand. Only a mage really appreciates how dangerous they are. To be fair, that shaman probably appreciated how dangerous you were after it fell to the ground seizing. There are seven more that you can see- actually six, you remark as an enemy loses its spear, and the hand with it. You almost wince. You’ve seen a lot of nasty injuries, but rarely this much blood. Your next target is one that steps too close for your comfort. Too close for its comfort, too, as you place your hand on its head, and will a blast of lightning to bridge the gap between your thumb and pinky. Through the kobold’s brain.

His style is brutal and symplistic. He allows a spear thrust to splash across his breastplate and cuts twice-once to the elbow, once to the knee. The kobold screams and falls to the ground, wailing in pain. He spares a second while fighting another to kick the back of its head, knocking it out. You’re not sure if he was merciful or vicious. He has a smile on his face, wicked and broad. He raises a sword and cheers, “Dol Dorn watches! This War Wyrm fights!” As he does, you see a glow burst from his octogram, and feel a certain calmness and power in your chest. You see a spear coming for you, but the struggle to bat it aside is not as difficult as it should be, almost an instinct in your head to let it thrust past your face, and your hand comes up to the owner’s chest muscle memory pulling your strike exactly where it needs to be. You smell the burnt flesh before you realise that you cast a spell. Your blood seems alight with energy, and it takes almost no effort to call up old memories of stormy islands. You remember the feeling of your arm hair rising, and channel it at one of the remaining enemies with a thought. In the piece of your mind not occupied with the battle, you realise that you landed it perfectly on the heart. A quicker death, then. You hear no screams as its heart is fried.

You take a moment to revel in the feeling of power and control that you’re now feeling. One assumes that it is coming from your new partner, and you consider hitching your horse to his just for this power.

Power that is suddenly cut from you, and you are surrounded. Everywhere you look there are enemies-kobolds and guards alike, the Deneith soldiers that took your uncle away, and even your mother, tsking at your stupid dreams. “You’re always dreaming, child. Running away from home? Trying to use powers you don’t deserve? You’re about ten minutes from a corpse in a ditch and you deserve it for leaving us alone like this.” Stonejaw is in front of you, and he’s smiling - that cruel smile he gets when he’s played someone, and you know it’s you. “What? Did you think you would get out of this ramshackle life? You’ll always be a street rat, and you’ll never belong anywhere but the roadside we’ll drop you for thinking you’ll ever be better.” And you know this was your chance and you lost it. You didn’t impress him, and you’re gonna lose everything. The man you thought wanted to hire you walks up to you, that wicked grin on his face, and he’s laughing. And he’s grim and concerned. And he’s laughing. And he’s reaching out to your shoulders. And he’s raising his sword to finish you off like the trash you are.

“Breathe.”

You’re back in a warehouse. You’re on your knees, and they ache from the hard floor. Your new friend is holding your shoulders and looking into your eyes, and you realise his are a bronze, flecked with silver. You get to your feet, shakily. That was a mistake. You barely manage to turn to a wall before you taste the crocodile soup from last night. It’s nearly a minute before you feel like you can breathe without hurling. You feel a small canteen pushed into your hand. “Here, when you’re ready to wash out the taste.”

You are halfway through your sip when you realise it isn’t water. You’re not entirely sure what it is, but it was clearly not made for humanoid consumption- it burns your mouth worse than that cheap Gnomish baijiu Stonejaw tricked you into drinking when you first joined him. You ask what in the Hells it is, and hear a chuckle from beside you. “Wound cleaner. Most people don’t waste their time, but Atiya always used to drill in our heads that it heals better if you clean it first. You can drink it, too, if you’re desperate. Won’t kill you, but it’ll hit you faster than they usually do.”

You take a hard swig, coughing after it. You need something to calm your hands down. When you turn to him, he’s looking sympathetically at you. “First time fighting a shaman? First time that spell hits you is always the worst. You’ll never be immune to that incapacitating panic, but next time, it won’t be so shitty after.”

You nod, more out of reflex than any understanding. When you stand up straight and look to the rest of the storehouse, he seems to want to say something, think better of it, then gird himself up and say it. “If you want, you could stop. I’m reasonably sure I can take it on my own, and there’s no shame in going home after being rocked like that.” You shake your head, and tell him that you can still do this, that you’re fine. He knows you’re not, but he respects your decision.

The rest of the raid goes relatively smoothly. You stand at the back a little more, and blast the shaman you see as soon as you see them, spending more energy than you likely should, but the lightning in your veins is reassuring. You realise, sitting in the personal treasure room of the leader, that it was like he had said. They fought and died, down to the last apprentice and wyrmling. You do notice there aren’t any eggs, and ask why. He smiles wryly, “little agreement between me and the gangs. I only raid places being used as staging grounds for crimes. As long as they keep the brood nests away from these hunting bases, their eggs are safe. Not sure if my employers know about it, but I like to think they don’t care. As long as I keep any tribe from having enough power for more than small raids, they’re happy.” You admit you’re curious how a human even came to an agreement with the various kobold tribes of Stormreach, but you remember that in a way, Stonejaw and operators like you have done the same. The idea of kobbers working with any smooth-skin seems weird, but they have problems they can’t handle too, and that tends to be jobs for people like you.

“As per our agreement, you’re welcome to any loot in here you want. I’ll collect my pay from the Harbourmaster, like usual. You’ve now seen the risks of my job, the pay, and I can promise you about one raid a month on average. You’ve impressed me, and if we keep going, you’ll probably impress the Harbourmaster. You do that, and you could join me on my rounds, if you like. That point, you’ll essentially have my job too, and we could start on you getting paid the official way, and splitting the loot. But I’m getting ahead of myself. My name is Sakhesh and I’d like to hire you on a more permanent basis. How would you like to be an adventurer?”