#i really dont know what id do if i go into a smart person school

[inmirova]

"it's easier to leave an abusive situation than it is to stop an abuser" :^( but it's not easy :^(

[cowboy-robooty]

something that i think is sooooo stupid is this obsession people have with being "good for their age" at art. i know a million people say this and talk about this sentiment being harmful already but i really do think it is a terrible way to think about things. Art is a skill just like being good at math or playing basketball and I think its stupid when people put the worth of their skillset in tandem with their age because also it completely disregards the notion of how everybody lives in different ways. Michaelangelo was so good at art not only because he was a genius but also because bro literally woke up every mf day and only drew since he was a little baby so no shit he could make amazing sculptures in his early 20s. Everyone lives with so many different responsibilities and different amounts of freetime, so really i think its quite stupid to say someone is "good for their age" because that doesnt say anything about their ability to budget their time or naturally progress or commit to the grind despite everything or really anything at all since you dont have any idea about what kind of life they live. There are crazy artists out there who go to cram school for 11 hours a day on top of extracirriculars + volunteer work and still manage to create with the same skill level as someone who is the president of going home club. You dont know the resource of time that is ACTUALLY avaliable to one person compared to others using their age, so its stupid to act as though that its such a big deal. I personally dont think ive ever been good at drawing for my age and thats fine because I dont care about that. I could be good at drawing for my age if i committed more freetime to practicing it, but i dont because i dont want to. just like how i could be a super scholar whiz at chemistry or something but im not because I dont want to spend all my freetime doing problems and reading textbooks. I dont think the progress id make in those kinds of skills are worth missing watching a movie with my friends or learning how to bake a cake or enjoying a walk on a trail. I think anybody can be a genius at anything if they put their mind to it, but it also comes at great suffering most of the time because a lot of sacrifices have to be made and being able to embrace the choices you make with the limited time you have is important to being happy with what you have. Like yknow celebrating the stuff you were able to collect instead of mourning all the things you wish you had. I think only very few people are actually good at art for their age, like how einstein is one of the few people who was for real smart for his age and that is okay because what matters is having something you feel passion in doing. For a lot of people if they actually forced themselves to sacrifice what they needed to in order to be "good for their age" they would probably lose the passion in their craft during that process; which is probably one of the only ways to make the skill of drawing useless.

[awritessomething]

Stressed | harry osborn x fem!reader

summary | after Harry’s inheritance, he feels overwhelmed with all the new responsibilities. thankfully his girlfriend can help destress.

warnings | smut, public(ish) sex, swearing, oral m!receiving, almost getting caught, raimi!verse harry, short. I dont proofread id cringe

if you can’t tell I like james franco

No one so young should experience the traumas that Harry Osborn did. Finding his father’s dead body, seemingly murdered by Spiderman himself, being hated by his father, and then having to take over the family business before he was even 25, was a lot. Thankfully, through it all, he had support. You.

The relationship started pretty early in high school, Harry being all over you the second he laid eyes on you. The most perfect girl he had ever seen. Smart, gorgeous, the best personality and sense of humor. And you loved him. What else could a guy want?

Now that he was in charge of his father’s business though, the stress he experienced increased tenfold. The hours he spent doing paperwork, trying to figure out what the actual fuck was going on, was really getting to him. One day, as he was sat in his office, hunched over the desk, you walked in. You carried a glass of water in your hands, meant to be for yourself. The glass was placed on the desk and he downed it in a second. No use in protesting now.

“Youre overworking yourself, Harry,” you said. He leaned back in his chair and nodded.

“I know, but this is important.” His hand stretched out to take one of yours. He kissed each knuckle twice. Your free hand ran through his hair, which he leaned into. A slight smile curved your lips at the sight.

“You’re so tense,” you whispered, the words seeming to leave your lips as a sigh. You pulled your hands away from him to rest on his shoulders, thumbs digging into the knots of his muscles. He groaned softly and leaned back a little more, slouching. Rounding his chair, you stood in front of him. “Are you coming to bed soon?”

“No, no. I can’t. Don’t wait up for me, I’ll be a while.” He frowned and put his hands on your hips. You nodded and walked to the door, taking the glass with you. Your fingers curled around the doorknob and then you halted. A thought crossed your mind.

“Then can I do what I wanted to do… here?” You turned around again to look at him. His brows furrowed slightly, but he nodded. Crossing the room quickly, the glass hit the wooden desk once more. His eyes followed your every move curiously until he saw you kneel.

“Oh- you meant that?” He gasped slightly. A short nod was all that was given as a response as your fingers moved to tug off the belt he wore with his suit. His hips lifted so you could pull his trousers down as well. His boxers followed. His cock hardened under your touch, twitching slightly as it rose to its full glory. Soft lips pressed kisses along his shaft, tongue darting out to press along the veins that ran up it.

Initially, Harry believed that your actions wouldn’t distract him too much, that maybe it could just be like a massage but… on his cock. It had been a long time since they had the chance to have sex, so he definitely forgot how good it was. After his tip touched your tongue, it was over. His balls strained.

Manicured nails dug into his thighs slightly just to ground herself as you took him into your mouth. His eyes rolled back briefly before opening again to be able to watch. The taste of his precum as it seeped into your mouth seemed heavenly in a way. So foreign, yet so familiar.

One hand was twisting around the parts of him that wouldn’t fit into your mouth, while the other held his balls. They were full and painfully heavy, needing release. He was so very sensitive. The light fondling of his balls had his thighs quivering just slightly as his nails dug into the fancy wooden desk in front of him. There was a call on the phone.

“Motherfucking- mmh..” he moaned softly and denied the call. But they called back again and again. The feeling of your tongue against his cock was too good to let go of though. His fingers threaded into your hair, taking control of your movements as he picked up the phone. “Osborn,” he grunted, doing his best to sound put together. His eyes squeezed shut in focus and he leaned back in the chair, pushing your head down on his cock.

The conversation he had over the phone wasn’t registered by your mind as his hand kept your head pushed down. The smell of him was overwhelming as the light hairs around his base tickled your nose. It seemed like hours until he hung up the phone and released his grip. Removing your mouth from him briefly, you coughed to catch your breath.

“You ok, baby?” He murmured, not realizing what he had really done. You didn’t seem to realize either though. With one more blink and a breath, he was back in your mouth. His thighs tensed and you felt his balls squeeze in your hands. “Shit- fuck.. hold on-“ he grunted and his back arched slightly. Harry always prided himself on not cumming fast, or having his shit together when he did.

Not this time.

With a buck of his hips and a drop of spit running to his balls, he came. “Shi… mm!” He muffled his noise with a hand over his mouth. While he was still spurting cum right down your throat, the door to his office opened.

“Mr. Osborn? Peter Parker is here,” his assistant said. Harry nodded, keeping his hand over his mouth and lowering his head. The assistant was confused at the nearly crosseyed expression Harry had on his face, so he just backed out of the office.

Harry grabbed a tissue from his desk and touched your cheek. “Spit,” he said softly and held the tissue near your mouth. Your lips parted to show your mouth empty. His cum was swallowed.

Harry took a moment and just stared at where he expected to see a pool of his cum and then cleared his throat. He set the tissue on the desk, moved his hair away, and then helped you out from under the desk. But then he spun you around and pinned you to it. His pelvis pressed against your ass.

“I’m sure Pete can wait, yeah?”

[badchoicesworld]

hello !! i love the way you write :] !! i was just wonderin if you do requests for 42!Miles ? it's no problem if you dont but if you do id be so grateful for one with a masc reader :'D reader is an artist like miles or could maybe be his spiderman as well ? thank you !

miles 42 w/ an artistic spider-reader !

earth 42 miles x masc!reader

i’ll be the first to admit that i was a lil stumped since we don’t know all too much about wiles, but i did some digging and figured he’s gonna be around 17, vigilante and there’s a lot of things in his design that helped me figure out his personality (i think, anyway. please for the love of god don’t let my education be in vain)

wasn’t sure if you wanted platonic, general shit or romance so i just sprinkled a bit of everything in this because we need more masc fanfiction out there (fun fact, i write fanfiction but i do not read it)

if this is just shit lemme know and i’ll go missing <3

warnings: none

pairing: miles 42 x masc!reader

requests: OPEN RAAHH

it was so fucking hard to find a half decent cap of this man

★⋆ ⋆☆⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆☆⋆⋆★✧

AIGHT if you’re to become earth 42 spiderman then it’s likely under the same circumstances as miles 1610. or, who knows, maybe there’s another radioactive spider hanging about somewhere that bit you

REGARDLESS imma go ahead and say that this bite is gonna be a recent thing, otherwise NYC wouldn’t be in such a state

unless you just like people to suffer idk

you and miles are friends before the bite, can’t imagine he tolerates a lot of people now with all the stuff he has on his mind so you’re a long time friend, maybe more

miles is the guy you go to straight away with this, if you’ve discovered you have these incredible powers and suddenly heightened senses

just imagine the revelation when you realise what this can mean for the world

spider-man wasn’t a thing in this dimension, so you’re a completely new beacon of hope

earth-42, if you haven’t seen the test animation, seems pretty corrupt and fucked

miles and uncle aaron seem to be a vigilante pair that steal things like medicine for hospitals, maybe because the state of the world just means they’re short of resources, or it’s being led by a really disgusting government

miles 42 is a good guy . you cant change my mind

miles has been the prowler for however many years at this stage, uncle aaron being his right hand man in operations

regardless of how close the two of you are, this is something that he’s kept hidden from you if he can help it

but all of that is just recklessly discarded when he realised you can help, it’s new hope, and he’s desperate

he’s still incredibly discreet when talking about it, especially when you two are in his home

the last thing he wants is to get his mother involved, that woman means the world to him and he’d die before she was exposed to this stuff

but let’s assume you two take on this role together, young vigilantes that have to make things in the world right

it’s a secret that you two have sworn up and down about never telling another soul, no matter what

miles is the prowler and you’re spider-man, go make a difference

while you guys are vigilantes together, you are still kids. minors, whatever

so, yeah, you do still get to go to school and live the best of both worlds if you’d like to

you take the same art class together, you’re both acing tf outta it because i said so

but let’s be honest, miles 42 is way more stern and focused, he might have been like the other miles we know at some point, but not anymore

his design is all sharp and rigid, hatched- this is a reflection of his personality

you’ve definitely helped to instil some hope in him, though

you can see him soften up every once in a while, and god knows he loves his mum, we love to see it

probably the most domestic thing you guys will get to experience is designing your suits together. naturally, all spider-people are stupidly smart so you can actually contribute to tech design and build things to execute missions more effectively and efficiently

even if you two are boyfriends, things just seem so tense all of the time in that world

unfortunately, earth-42 is a place where you have to have eyes in the back of your head, but you two get to act as that for each other so you don’t constantly have to be looking over your shoulders paranoid

granted, it’s a tough role

new york is in ruins thanks to the unfortunate circumstances, but your dimension has a spider-man now, hopefully you can help the world heal

actual missions can get intense at the drop of a hat

prowler is all about stealth, so recon missions have to be done with serious precision and there is no room for mistakes

especially when it comes to stealing resources for the people, miles isn’t physically willing to let these things sit idle and go to waste when people are dying

it’s life or death, you two have to rely on each other whole heartedly

since miles doesn’t have his own webs, he relies on ropes and harness, but it all changes after you’ve gotten bitten

with your abilities, you two are able to move to much faster and fluently while fleeing a scene, it’s impressive

being caught isn’t nearly as risky thanks to your spider senses

he’s not vocal about it, but miles appreciates you so much

i don’t think that he’s gonna be some overly protective guy when he knows you can protect yourself, that’s just wasted energy and honestly insulting of him

again, even if you are together

he loves you and cares about your safety, you’re the man who’s helping him make the world a better place

he’ll worry if situations become dire, but he TRUSTS that you’ll be okay

you’ve got his back and he’s got yours

when all’s said and done, if something ever goes south, spider-man always gets back up

you’ll lick your wounds (tend to them properly but very reluctantly because you all know there’s so few resources)

probably relies on really gentle words of affirmation at the end of the day, otherwise you two wouldn’t cope

those nights are when he’ll use spanish terms of endearment (masculine), he doesn’t want you to feel neglected in a way

you’ll tuck away your suits together once the days come to an end and silently swear to secrecy once again, before the weight of being teenage vigilantes together takes over and you collapse onto the nearest surface together

he’d be a fool to not feel safe in his own home, especially with you and his mother in it (you too aaron, welcome back)

bonus:

before the world turned upside down, you and him used to get caught all of the time tagging different places with graffiti, Mr Morales was not pleased

if you ever get those peaceful moments of bliss amidst the chaos, your ability to climb walls is really helpful when spray painting up high

you can see just the faintest trace of the old miles, the artist who was completely doe eyed about the future

★⋆ ⋆☆⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆☆⋆⋆★✧

DID I SLAY ? PLE

[zombieefish]

okay so there is one specific piece of advice he gives which i have a problem with. heres the quote:

“Fall in love and stay in love. Explode. Don’t intellectualize. Get passionate about ideas. Cram your head full of images. Stay in the library. Stay off the internet and all that crap. Read all the great books. Read all the great poetry. See all the great films. Fill your life with metaphors. And then explode.”

which, that advice is MARVELOUS. that is grade A advice right there. however, i have a problem with the “stay off the internet” thing…the internet is my HOME. i physically cannot stay off of the internet no matter how much i try. id set a goal, and then go right back. the internet is where all my friends are, i cant leave!

but the internet is also home for a lot of my ideas, or the source for a majority of them. now, i understand he probably meant social media. however, there are so many good medias to explore!!! without the internet, there wouldnt be the object show community! there wouldnt be any object shows at all! if youre not brainrotting yourself and slowly wearing away and eliminating your brai. cells, the internet can be a good place to get and share ideas, as well as inspiration…

also, he said to fall in love and stay in love? im aroace…/j staying and being in love is a hard thing to do, not something we can really have control over. /j again (i get what he means and hes right)

i dont have a library. i cannot go to a library. unless you want me to go for a one hour drive, the school library is only open on mondays, and they dont send us any longer anyhow. so im going to have to rely on yhe internet for ebooks, or buying books, or going to barnes and noble. which im not particularly against…i love barnes and noble ❤️❤️❤️

i cant really understand what he means by “dont intellectualize”. dont get smart with it??? what??? in my humble opinion, i think any piece of media is GREAT when it has references or easter eggs or far-fetched implications or any of that stuff!!! it shows that you really care about what you do, and its even an opportunity to learn sometimes…

but in the end, thats just me. i mean this guys was born in the 1920s and died in 2012, i dont really know what i could have expected. also this isnt an attack on ray bradbury, i love him, and hes a great author. and i also love this specific piece of advice that he gives…i like how hes encouraging people to find inspiration, and to get started on things. you dont need permission. uou dont need permission to expand your interests and literacy. and you know what?? poetry is cool. books are really cool. films are cool. and inspiring. so im glad that he got that message out there

writing this while eating digestives there's probably spellingmkstakes

the internet can be a wonderful place, you're right!! making friends on here is something that people enjoy doing, and gives some people the sense of joy, talking to these people

it also comes with so many forms of media, circulating all around the world — so many shows, so many pieces and bits that make up a full puzzle, and some strive to complete their own puzzle when they get on here.. the internet has so many wonderful things that have been made on here, and a good amount of supportive people to go along with it

fall in love and stay in love is quite straightforward on his part.. when you fall in love, it's like an overwhelming thrush of feelings, and you sometimes feel blinded by these feelings, asking yourself what's next, and why are you acting like this. i think that it's hard to stay in love, especially with the way people generally treat relationships currently — seeing it as more of a thing you do for the thrill rather than the tender experience of love from another person, having the chance to develop into something stronger

but you can always fall out of love.. it doesn't have to be that you always love one person forever, because it alternates for everyone.. some may stay with their first, others are still embarking on that journey of finding that person who they ultimately click with

buying books is great! when you have a book, reading it at a slower pace helps you take the general idea in — adding to your whole world of ideas.. trapping all the information in and nerding out about books and other things is something people should do more

books ARE cool, films are cool.. all these things are cool, and even if someone tells you it's lame, that's them. you taking the time to enjoy these things makes you even cooler, and it's good to have that perspective of where things that are considered 'nerdy' are seen as cool

but that's just me ꒰ · ◡ · ���

[evermorethecrow]

EVERMORE THE CROW 1K SPECIAL..... EXPOSING MY PAST.................

ages ago when i was younger i had to write this letter talking about times i got injured for school work and it was so bad i went through it with a friend of mine and because i thought i wouldnt hit 1k before the end of the year saying id post it if i did.

AND NOW IVE DONE IT

so heres my letter :(

Dear sir, I chose to write about a dangerous situation I've been in but I found it so difficult to pinpoint one situation.I am such an impulsive and spontaneous person and I rarely think before I act .Therefore instead of just one dangerous situation I have composed. Before i start i would like to issue a warning under no circumstances should a person attempt to recreate any action in this list for it is ill advised and i don't want to go to court again Kind regards -------

Okay so let's start out small ,i mean like when i was small really small i couldn't walk, but oh boy i could climb and unfortunately for the better of my own health climb I did,climb out of my cot and i know because gravity people who drop out of things tend to have this annoying habit of hitting the floor.Lets just say my mum put PE mats on my bedroom floor after that.

Next…uhhhhh incident??? Oooh it's another escaping story  maan maybe i should change my name to houdini or something,anyway this was a little later like i was able to walk (uh oh) i reckon i was good a walking, a little too good, my mum looked away from my pram for a second a second too long when she looked back i was gone, everyone in the park was looking for me and after 10 minutes of looking my mum saw me walk out the playground, i left and went to the playground.We went home after that.

Time for the third story  I was two years old and was running buckwild in Greenwich Park and having a fun time, in fact I was having such a fun time I didn't hear my mum shout “LOOK OUT”.  I had a comically large bump on my head got concussed and had to go to hospital, Not for too long though the very next day i got sent home for using a IV as a skateboard

Just a heads up befor the next story alot of these storys will be me being stupid and endeing up in hospital so if you have idiotphopia or are scared it would be advised to leave now or buy todays sponsor raycon earbuds.

Anyway next accident  When i was five I was in bed as a five year old should be when I had a genius revelation Hmmm i I dont wanna use my legs to get out of bed so why not roll out instead….i did roll out of bed,right onto a plastic dinosaur and cut my eyelid, there was blood all over my face.But hey at least i got to meet an old friend of mine.The hospital waiting room.

So yeah you can probably see how i'm quite an accident prone person but i never really did anything that bad.SO WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE TIME I JUMPED OFF MY SCOOTER WHILE GOING SUPER FAST ON IT DOWN A HILL? I was seven and i was at our local park blythe hill and my seven year old brain wanted nothing more than to go down that hill at record speeds on my scooter,and i'm not talking about one of those fancy stunt scooters no i'm talking about a kids micro scooter, you know , the one where you would always put elastic bands on it, any way I was about halfway down the hill when i decided I was going too fast on it and i could get hurt and since id never had an injury before i wanted to prevent that so what did i do? I jumped of the scooter I was a smart kid. I jumped off my scooter and pretty much removed all the skin on that side of my body and too make matters worse it got infected and i had to take antibiotics for 4 weeks. Fun times

As you can probably see i might be a bit reckless and might be a bit bad at planning ahead  Which leads me to our next story, this ones a bit different you see this time  I didn't actually get hurt. I was at a friend's house and that friend's house had a garden with a tree,a tree and a garage which was placed close to the tree, and I, being a master climber since birth, scaled the tree with ease. But that wasn't enough for me no I wanted to climb the garage.So i went across the tree to the branche nearest the garage ,and climbed on top of the garage,the lovely,brick garage.my friends dad came out and saw me on top of the garage simply chilling and as you can probably predict he asked me to get down so instead of doing the rational thing and using the tree to et down.. I jumped of the garage onto the stone floor.I didn't go to their house for a while after that

I have another garage related story,This was in 2017 I was nine surely I was smateer by then and learned my lesson Right……Right? Me and my siblings were playing marco polo out the front of our house (never a good sign) And it was my turn to be blindfolded and find my siblings.I decided to run straight forward and hit the brick wall between two garages , I fractured my nose, chipped my front tooth and had to go to hospital.oops.

Now they say save the best for last and boy did i. It was 2020(oh god ) and we were celebrating my mom's birthday and all was going smoothly, well until i decided to leave our living room by jumping out the room from the sofa.it didn't go as planned.yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah i jumped off the sofa hi my head on the top of the door landed on my arm and spent 5 hours in hospital on my mums birthday.

That's all we have time for today However here are some honorable mentions 

.The time i used my scooter on a tall thin brick wall (someone really ought to take that thing of me honestly)

.All the times I hit my head on bins 

.And that time this year I literally without thinking put the hairdryer on my face after I used It and burnt stripes into my face 

Well thats the list of the most dangerous things ive done, of course ive done more dumb things but this paper has gone on long enough and I have school in the morning so bye I guess.

-------------

MY LIFE IS RUINED

[thoughtfulmentalitything]

teehee ive returned... ok so now im in college and just like I thought, I am not a fan. the academics are fine but theres a decent amount of work all the time and its stressful to me cause it feels never ending. I will do my assignments weeks in advance but it seems to never give me enough time to relax. well not that I can relax at my dorm, my roommates are so annoying and loud and are all messes and project it outward. however, I did stop sh around september 2022 so its been four months since then. but also whenever something happens where another person is upset and takes it out on me or theres a somewhat valid problem I cant help but think about doing it which is normal. but I think its gonna come back soon and im fine with that. it makes me happy. its almost like a form of self care for me cause I can actually get all the bad feeling out of my system and just onto my arm instead. like its fine and I truly think that. anyways another issue though related to how bad my dorm is because of my roommates is that I finally told my parents about how terrible it is and that I dont even sleep there anymore (but I only go back home like once or twice a weekend each month when I have breaks) and I fully am just going home cause I have break or need to catch up on homework... but now they just think im not addressing the issue and not facing my dorm situation which, uh yeah obviously im not going to. when I dont come home on weekends on breaks to get away from the dorm, I just stay at someone else's house or dorm on school days and weekends. like??? I literally do not have the capacity to be there. but now im getting really triggered at home too because I told my parents about my issue... which why are they responding like that. id rather just off myself than have to live at my dorm or home. I really need to sh. I know my living situation issues are temporary but they make me feel really bad and become unproductive and fat. all I do is hide away in my room at my dorm all day when im not out for classes and gorge of fat disgusting pig food. im so fat now. I need to loose weight im always bloated and fat looking. if I was skinny I would at least be 3/4 happy inside my body and the 1/4 of unhappy in caused my external forces that make me upset inside can just be fixed my sh. tbh I need to make my sh not eating and working out too much instead of cutting cause hiding the cuts is so annoying like I dont feel like wearing long sleeves in the summer again. I need to not eat any processed foods and get on track to just have no appetite (I didn't for like a week long time period in the beginning of January). anyways im just really upset now and turning to my venting on here cause I dont want to bother anyone with my problems anymore since clearly telling my parents the most basic issue ever is not being received well. like really. just make you child happy. but nooo they dont know about how suicidal I am and any of my other issues cause I dont tell them. they just dont dress anything either. like I need a breast reduction and my mom was just like well talk about that later... well it is much later now and guess what, still haven't talked about it. id rather just die right now. I cant endure 3 more years of college at the place im going right now. I just cant live in the state I do right now and need to move. everything would be solved. but for now, all I can do is loose 20 pounds and be skinny and smart so I can exist in a physical state thats tolerable to me. I just need a break from everything else though. ok ill probably return later but at least this vent right now stopped me from racing downstairs and picking out a new xacto for a real release. ok bye bye 

[nahalism]

What do you think of therapy, personally? If you are comfortable w answering: did you ever have one yourself and how was the experience of it? x

(sorry in advance cause this will be long)

cool so, i was made to go for the first time at around 12/13, and the experience was damaging. so every other time they tried to get me to talk to someone, go to school counselling or seek help not only did i not trust the therapist, i literally wouldnt speak or would try flip the questions on them. HOWEVER, since september 2022 - this march/april i went to a therapist voluntarily just to see if i was wrong, if i could make quicker progress with someones help, or if by having a non biased person to soundboard my thoughts against id find it helpful. heres what i found (:

what i liked:

- i wanted a therapist because i wanted a second opinion. i was around ppl making me think i was some kind of villain or person that i didnt feel i was, and so instead of cutting people out & spiralling or forgiving & overcompensating like i have a tendency to do, i went to someone unbiased to g check me. my therapist did end up giving me that assurance that i wasnt crazy, but also helped me recognise how much i doubt myself, accept bare minimum, or talk myself out of what i feel/want to accommodate/enable others. i knew i had those patterns, but i didnt know to what extent, so for people being gaslit or for those who are prone to abusers / having a warped sense of reality, therapists can really offer that objective, external reassurance that grounds you back into reality without you having to survive a nervous breakdown.

- going also checked my arrogance in thinking i was my one and only saviour. practicing leaning on someone other than me was cool and it was nice to see what that can look like. it also affirmed that i know how to communicate and share (something people at the time were trying to convince me i am not capable of doing)

what i liked less:

- a therapist is not your friend or a replacement for friendship. there were times my therapist would say shit like 'if you ever need someone to talk to im always available' cause i didnt have anyone to talk to. & dont get me wrong, it was super sweet! but .. ultimately, if there was no financial incentive that wouldnt be the case. so i feel like someone more vulnerable or less clued in than me would have heard that and got drawn in, when no matter how cool your therapist is, ultimately the relationship is a business transaction.

- from a spiritual perspective, i feel like therapists know what to tell you according to logic and science, but very few therapists are skilled healers. i dont want to go to someone who helps me rationalise what i think and feel so i can show up as a productive member of this society we live in. i want someone who challenges me to see the truth where id rather buy into soft illusions, and as such helps me show up as an authentic, elevated, expression of me. there were times i was in a session being told something that applied and was smart, but i could tell the therapist didnt even embody that themselves & forgive me for being judgemental, but because they didnt embody it, they couldnt fully understand the consequence of being about the shit they talk about. in that circumstance id rather find an elder whos embodied the lessons their trying to pass on, than someone who only feels comfortable telling me to do what society, their parents, or modern science has understood and approved. sometimes the answer thats right for you isnt a path someone can encourage you toward, you have to find it for yourself. and sometimes, the answer isnt 'self love', 'self work', or gaining a sense of individuality, which is what therapy usually points people toward. sometimes its being in nature, quitting your job, giving service to community, service to nature, service to strangers. healing can mean going off of the beaten oath and therapy doesnt always advocate for that.

- 2 be blunt as fuck, there were times i was simply spending £50 to chat to someone for an hour which is why i no longer go. :/. i personally wanted a therapist so i could gain !!strategies!! that would help me with actually asserting boundaries, & dealing with people who try to violate, in a healthy way. instead i felt like i got an hour session of me talking. maybe that works for some people, but personally i didnt need someone to talk to, vent to, confide in... so it just felt like picking scabs off of closed wounds, whilst someone nods and empathises, but cant give any real indication of how i can change my circumstances or show up differently. then after an hour of bringing up shit you've given me no indication of how to fix, i have to go back into the environment that caused the stress and try not to be triggered or pop off on people. long dayyy

sooo thats how i feel. bare in mind, i am me and i sought out therapy for very specific reasons that may not be your reasons. if you need therapy and thats your path, you need to do whats right for you. however for my needs and where im at right now, i dont feel the need for a therapist. if i came out of processing some heavy shit or was in a place where i needed help or an unbiased voice to check me or reassure me i wouldnt write it off. however i just feel like people need to be self willed and self governed in this life, & the more we tap into what we feel & follow what feels good, the more we know, understand & can walk in wisdomm

hope this wasnt offputtingly long <3 blessings

[peachenle]

get to know me game!

tagged by @dearhee ty!!

tagging: @end-hyphen @ozymandia-s and anyone else who'd like to participate! This is a long shabang so no pressure hehe . me realizing i need more active moots O_O anyone wanna be friends

birthday: may 4th! im a quadruple taurus 0:

favourite colour: i think pink or purple?!

do you have pets? i have one dog

how tall are you? im ~172 cm

how many pairs of shoes do you own? i only really use like 5 pairs i think! i have sneakers, heels, two crocs and then loafers!

favourite song: my toppest mostest favoritest is dive by jooyoung! then fever by enhypen :D

favourite movie: ponyo

who would be your ideal partner? i mean i bias chenle and jake so im into really happy and bright people LOL realistically though, i think heeseung is more my type? if i were to choose an idol. he's really passionate, we share similar hobbies (gaming), and i think hes fuckin goofy bruh LMAO i'd really like him!

do you want children? i have MAD baby fever, but id only think i'd have 1

have you gotten in trouble with the law? the only time was when i lived in korea and we had a get together when gatherings of more than 6 people weren't allowed because of covid - the cops came and took our info, but they just told us to go home lol

what colour socks are you wearing? i have none on rn heh

favourite type of music: as much as i listen to different genres i cant deny i listen to kpop and krnb the most!

how many pillows do you sleep with? i have 4 on my bed but i only really use 2

what position do you sleep in? always on my side! but i move around a LOT

what don’t you like when you’re sleeping: any sort of light - i need it DARK

what do you have for breakfast: depends on the day, recently ive been eating a lot of avocado toast and eggs!

have you ever tried archery? yes actually LOL i used to take lessons.

favourite fruit: strawberries, watermelon, apples!

are you a good liar? no i think LOL

what’s your personality type? estj was my last result last year but i think im getting more introverted...

innie or outie? innie O_O

left handed or right handed? right!

favourite food: hmmm ill say galbi jjim for right now, or hotpot

favourite foreign food: sushi

am i clean or messy? messy tbh

most used phrase: man i be talking in tiktok right now - but i say "bruh" or "oh em gee" a lot ahhh

how long does it take for you to get ready: depends on the day, im usually quite slow but im the fastest amongst my friends so.. maybe i just think im slow. i dont do anything crazy for makeup but im indecisive about clothes

do you talk to yourself? always - hence why i enjoy twitch streaming lol

do you sing to yourself? yup!

are you a good singer? naur

biggest fear? not being happy with my career lol

are you a gossip? hell yea

do you like long or short hair? on me - long. on boys? like maybe in the middle. jakes hair rn is perfecttt

favourite school subject: in high school i loved english (i mean .. i read and write a lot LOL). i got an award for being the top english student! right now im just vibing...

extrovert or introvert: can i say ambivert but like /gen - there are days i love being alone and others where i will die without talking to a human

what makes you nervous: just... not being smart enough/not knowing enough

who was your first real crush? my first real one was HARDDDD - im not including childhood ones bc i had too many of those. but my first real one was a good friend of my friend. then we became REALLYYY close, and this was during quarantine, so i didnt see him irl much. so we'd play games and watch anime together EVERY NIGHT... like it was routine for 2 months straight. and then i drunkenly confessed and it was bad bad bad. LOOL we're still friends, albeit not as close, and i've grown and moved on! but in hindsight, not the best time. I was heart broken for months ahhh

how many piercings? 10!

how many tattoos? 2!

how fast can you run? nawt as fast as i used to...

what colour is your hair? blackk

what colour are your eyes? brown

what makes you angry: mansplainers, pick me people... etc theres nothing really specific but im a natural born #hater so.. .LMMAOOO

do you like your name? yeye! i dont go by my birth name much anymore, but i like it

do you want a boy or a girl as a child? i dont think id care

what are your strengths? idk i think i do a good aussie accent. jk but ummm im currently in a rut about myself so im workin on it!

what are your weaknesses? hmmm im a ppl pleaser, but at the same time im really stubborn. i cant commit to many things lolol... etc

what is the colour of your bedspread? grey

colour of your room: ldk its like beige lol - but my furniture is like a pastel blue/grey?

[andsalttheearthbehindyou]

hiiiiiiiiii

ok im gonna rant for a little bit below if anyones interested about what ive been doing and where ive been these past months

soooo ive never been the type of person to see my future very clearly. ive never had long term motivations, goals, or desires. i had never thought of myself as such a listless person because i had such strong aspirations in reference to school and academia but that was it. i graduated highschool in 2020 and went straight to college, still not knowing what i wanted to do, just knowing that i wanted to be the best at whatever i did. i defined myself by my accomplishments and the speed at which i achieved them. i graduated a few months ago with my bachelors (in 2 years!!!!) and this was something i was so proud of myself for, but i felt so much inner turmoil because of it. and thats because i felt like id done all these things and i thought i wouldve figured out what id want to do by that point, but i still hadnt figured it out. 

im 21 now (celebrated my bday in january :) u all better leave me belated wishes below) and i know that im still young, but i felt so frustrated with the life i had led until now, the wasted efforts and useless skills. i felt like i had so much to offer but nowhere to apply and nothing to show for it. id also struggled with things like doing what i love but not being financially successful versus doing something that i know will make me financially successful and being a happy person because of that. 

i wont lament too much on my passion for publishing, because ultimately it came down to the fact that i dont think its smart to invest in a profession that likely wont result in me being successful in the way that i want to be. what i will harp on here is how happy and proud i am of myself for being brave enough to embark on my law school journey!! im going to law school!!! im so happy!!!!!! i promise (literal nervous anxiety tears streaming down my cheeks rn)!! i know that it is so much money and so much work, but i know that this is what i need to do to feel accomplished in life, to see the fruits of my labor and know that everything ive done hasnt been for naught. i studied for my lsat for months and months (main reason i was m.i.a.) and finally took it a few days ago. im gonna have to start applying to schools soon sighhh but im actually really excited to start despite all the stress i know its gonna cause me lol. im also going to have a summer break (something i havent had since high school) !!!!!!! im going to be alone and let myself rest and be happy. im going to cook and clean and read and write and do things i love before hunkering down and being a little recluse nerd again in school (something i also love!!!! such a huge part of my personal identity and something i love about myself is my ties to school/academia and being a student) 

if youve read this far, thank you for your interest in my life!?! im not always right in the head and when i last abandoned this blog (and the other one) i know that i was definitely off my rocker but ive been taking steps to recovering my mental health in that regard too. i wont talk much about that but im doing better. being offline, setting boundaries and giving myself goals helped  a lot. im also properly medicated lol.

anyway much love & thx for tolerating me

[just-some-random-blogger]

part 2 for the hottie-cutie! actually we dont use the percentage system in ig all the post-ussr countries (mb not the more european ones but im not sure). but ig 70% is just average here? ig its barely the B(?), in our system its 4/5. or ig 0-50% is like 2/5 (bc its forbidden to give 1/5 *clown emoji*), 50-70 or 75 is prob 3/5, and 90-100 is the highest mark. dk if its stupid of us but yes. id really not say that all russian students are very smart. but now i think that i didnt even knew filipino is based on tagalog... and that a lot of people are really arrogant bitches that would fight till the blood spills even if theyre wrong... but yeah not to be a hater or anything but... i still remember that trend on tiktok where american teens were like 'give me antidepressants and coke and imma explode russia in a sec' and then they cant find the hugest fucking country on the map... and im not even mentioning how they feel like their starbucks can help these sweet summer children to like... conquer, riot, attack... 'YOURE SAYING WHAT I LEARNED IN SCHOOL IN THE FUCKING PHILIPPINES IS WRONG AND THEY WERE LIKE YES' arrogant bitches TT 'i forgive them' its ok id hate them for you. 'that was a long rant' and i love every letter. im so happy for you! you seem so passionate about the sandman, its cute. delightful to read youre happy! and really delightful to see someone being so happy about something so... simple? just being happy. this world indeed needs some kindness. im so happy for your excitement TT take all the time you need, your happiness is the priority!! and gjdd as i was thinking about it, a recalled that in the very beginning of that your fic with daemon x niece reader where she doesnt need him, i felt SO strong about it being like... a half of that daemon idea i teased you... so like yeah. im waiting. but not asking you to speed up!! driving fast is dangerous, children. its a well-deserved rest (in a way). hope youll spend it great. 'just cos ur in the bible doesnt mean ur a saint' i know?? but HFJSDJS it sounds so... like a wity line from this stupid films with the worst, the most dangerous, the filthiest mafia boss and like... just y/n... yeah thats it. and in the night theyre making out and things are getting hotter and shes like omg no i need to finish reading the bible and he answers her with this WITTY line. sorry. just my association. never intended it to sound bad. 'my teacher was nice and me and my friends were nerds' ahajsj were so similar TT like mother like cat TT the only exception i was usually the one who read a book and told about its plot to others but still was the one to answer most of the questions. 'Under my Invisible Umbrella by Laurel Flores Fantauzzo. it’s a personal essay' omgomg it sounds interesting. like.. those books that are written by authors who lived in the country who started a war. SORRY for this comparison but for me it sounds like it. like smn whos seen as an enemy but there he is. its always fascinating to see yourself in a character/a book so im kinda.. glad for you. considering all it sounds strange but feeling a book is the experience to feel. 'ANYWAY im hot. (:' well true. thanks for the tiktok TT you really didnt need to do this but i appreciate your efforts sm TT thank you TT and yeeeah aemonds so funny TT and this guy is so accurately fanny TT yesterday (or the day before yesterday yes thats it) all my classmates and the other parallel class made that ver deputy SO angry *clown emoji* it was the experience to go through.. actually its not an uncommon thing bc i remember no day when she didnt scream at smn. but plugging the equipment? sounds like a good revenge. omg im so eager to know about the works of your national hero! im eager to learn anything youre willing to tell me! so i always wait for you, hottie-cutie! have a nice day/night! good luck with the classes or whatever plans you have! love you! take care<з

HELLO

im so annoyed with myself because i was almost done with answering you then i pressed cntl z and everything disappeared fml

now im going to be sad the entire time i type this fuck off tumblr why are you so glitchy

actually we dont use the percentage system in ig all the post-ussr countries (mb not the more european ones but im not sure). but ig 70% is just average here? ig its barely the B(?), in our system its 4/5. or ig 0-50% is like 2/5 (bc its forbidden to give 1/5 *clown emoji*), 50-70 or 75 is prob 3/5, and 90-100 is the highest mark. dk if its stupid of us but yes. id really not say that all russian students are very smart.

T_T rip T_T HAHAAH wait its still so funny to me that 70 is average i gasped when i read this the first time T_T asian countries be like that ig HAHHAHH. i mean there are A LOT OF DUMB FILIPINOS TOO SO /: its fine theres a bit of dumb in the world but its so weird to me that our grades are so high standard. /: asians HAHAHA

but now i think that i didnt even knew filipino is based on tagalog... and that a lot of people are really arrogant bitches that would fight till the blood spills even if theyre wrong...

well now you know. people who are overconfident are airheaded /:

but yeah not to be a hater or anything but... i still remember that trend on tiktok where american teens were like 'give me antidepressants and coke and imma explode russia in a sec' and then they cant find the hugest fucking country on the map...

STILL AS DISTURBING AS WHEN I REPLIED TO THIS THE FIRST TIME T_T these kids (boys especially) need to stop glorifying war i cant believe this was a trend T_T also the map thing is so true and i suck at geography but i could at least point to russia come one

also T_T although im annoyed i have to type this all over again, did you know russia is bigger than pluto. i love pluto lets talk about pluto more next time when im not frustrated with myself for fundamentally deleting my entire reply T_T

and im not even mentioning how they feel like their starbucks can help these sweet summer children to like... conquer, riot, attack...

L war this is why feminism is important, little boys think war is the only thing that is cool enough to be their hobby because its violent T_T

'YOURE SAYING WHAT I LEARNED IN SCHOOL IN THE FUCKING PHILIPPINES IS WRONG AND THEY WERE LIKE YES' arrogant bitches TT 'i forgive them' its ok id hate them for you.

DONT HATE ANYONE FOR ME T_T NEVER DO THAT FOR ANYONE

'that was a long rant' and i love every letter.

im so happy for you! you seem so passionate about the sandman, its cute. delightful to read youre happy! and really delightful to see someone being so happy about something so... simple? just being happy. this world indeed needs some kindness. im so happy for your excitement TT take all the time you need, your happiness is the priority!!

i did a whole rant about sandman but T_T next time. I REALLY WAS SO SUPER EXCITED ABOUT WHAT I WAS TELLING YOU AND I WANT TO TELL YOU BUT IM SO SLEEPY AND I DONT WANT TO PUT OFF REPLYING TO YOUR P2 T_T anyway i actually returned the books i borrowed the next day (which was yesterday) without reading them because my mom said it was too dark and i agree so i did BUT LSHAH I WENT TO THE LIBRARY TODAY AFTER CLASS AND READ THE MEGABIG ENCYLOPEDIA HARDBOUND SANDMAN COMIC with like 10 issues in it (which had everything in the series) AND I LOVED IT SO MUCH IT MADE ME LOVE DREAM SO MUCH MORE T_T

and gjdd as i was thinking about it, a recalled that in the very beginning of that your fic with daemon x niece reader where she doesnt need him, i felt SO strong about it being like... a half of that daemon idea i teased you... so like yeah. im waiting. but not asking you to speed up!! driving fast is dangerous, children. its a well-deserved rest (in a way). hope youll spend it great.

tell me about your daemon fic now IM SO CURIOUS NOW also as i said i zoomed read (and finished) that mega big comic book so im instead going to be writing sandman fics HAHAHH. i hope you liked my daemon x niece fic. i was surprised a lot of people seem to like it

'just cos ur in the bible doesnt mean ur a saint' i know?? but HFJSDJS it sounds so... like a wity line from this stupid films with the worst, the most dangerous, the filthiest mafia boss and like... just y/n... yeah thats it. and in the night theyre making out and things are getting hotter and shes like omg no i need to finish reading the bible and he answers her with this WITTY line. sorry. just my association. never intended it to sound bad.

HAAHH this doesnt sound bad it so funny actually. also I LOVE THIS CONCEPT i love me a good dirty mafia boss [quietly writes this idea down in my head]

'my teacher was nice and me and my friends were nerds' ahajsj were so similar TT like mother like cat TT the only exception i was usually the one who read a book and told about its plot to others but still was the one to answer most of the questions.

#twinlife u like me for real

'Under my Invisible Umbrella by Laurel Flores Fantauzzo. it’s a personal essay' omgomg it sounds interesting. like.. those books that are written by authors who lived in the country who started a war.

HAHAHHAHAAHHAA

SORRY for this comparison but for me it sounds like it.

HAHAHHAHAHA

like smn whos seen as an enemy but there he is. its always fascinating to see yourself in a character/a book so im kinda.. glad for you. considering all it sounds strange but feeling a book is the experience to feel.

i get what you mean. its fine dont apologize. and yes it is so very nice to see yourself portrayed in media

'ANYWAY im hot. (:' well true.

<3

thanks for the tiktok TT you really didnt need to do this but i appreciate your efforts sm TT thank you TT and yeeeah aemonds so funny TT and this guy is so accurately fanny TT

AT LEAST YOU SAW and found it funny <3

yesterday (or the day before yesterday yes thats it) all my classmates and the other parallel class made that ver deputy SO angry *clown emoji* it was the experience to go through.. actually its not an uncommon thing bc i remember no day when she didnt scream at smn.

T_T imagine living in russia and still being hotheaded. chill /:

but plugging the equipment? sounds like a good revenge.

T_T REAL HAHAHH

omg im so eager to know about the works of your national hero! im eager to learn anything youre willing to tell me!

T_T I dont mean to be that person but im too tired to go on FUCK TUMBLR I HAD A WHOLEASS ESSAY ABOUT PLUTO AND AN ANALYSIS ABOUT SANDMAN CHARACTERS AND I WAS TALKING ABOUT OUR NATIONAL HERO JOSE RIZAL but now its gone and i want to sleep next time baby i wont cntrl z it T_T

so i always wait for you, hottie-cutie!

thank you my love <3

have a nice day/night! good luck with the classes or whatever plans you have! love you! take care<з

good night baby <3 i hope you have a wonderful day <3 im going to sleep now

xxx

[onmymasa22]

Write down ur future goals

I have a lovely life. I wear nice clothes. I wear nice jewelry. I love noce stuff.

Tell me about a day in my future life based onq

What i never said, but i mean ti say is: i dont want u in my life. I was better off before u were in my life, and ill b better off after i clean my head from u. I need a major cleaning. Cuz i shouldve thrown u out before. Half a year ago. In my life, u are all worthless. Ur not on my level. Im nice, so i didnt kick u out, and i dont like change or goodbyes. But i need to just move on from u. I need to just be who i am, with out loser guys around me. Im so much better than that. I still want the nice guy. Not the slick guy, not the loser cant wake up in the morning, not the complainer. Just get the fuck away from me. Stop talking to me. Move the fuck on, let me go. U had ur shot. U missed it. Now stop talking to me.

Most people who go to college for education want to teach elemary or highschool kids. Lots of people around me like these ages. I think my issue is that i have no respect for them. The lack of respect causes my lack of patience. I dont respect teenagers. To me, theyre idiots. Theres no bigger idiot in the world than a teen, myself at 15 included. Everything is drama u cant figure out, its all the end of the wirld, ur the stupidest, most ugly, worst self esteemed individual, and everyone is like that. U have oily hair, teeth that dont make sense or hurt, ur either the annoying one who needs to be in every picture, or ur the one who thinks ur so cool and cant he in any picture. I hated people when i was that age, why would i want to be around that again. I like old people.

The amount of times my hearing was mistaken this holiday with a loud family that never let's something funny slide, we can all do like guitar riffs with it at each other

In my family we all know how to jam out to guitar riffs but with jokes. We are all loud and all of us have humor that can go from dark, to old jewish. But because its like a guitar riff jam, everyone literally collaberates to a "stand up set" improve style until everyone laughs so hard they're tearing up. That's a normal weekend in my family.

A yom tov where my family is together means putting a bunch of people with loud personalities who all have a sense of humor to the extreme where everything can be funny. Like ive been with some families where u need to be obnoxious, or a health freak, or deal with the weird uncle who drunk and talking nonsense but theyre assuring u that he is actually very smart (which is like when people say their weed is "the good stuff", it never is. When they tell u he is "very smart", he isn't). In my family, u need a sense of humor that can match everyone. We ll have different ways that we're funny-im the most made fun of between everyone and im almost non offendable, and i make it funnier.

what i learned about ppl who sell weed- if they tell u its high quality, it never is.

Like how in some families, u need to be vegetarian or obnoxious to make it, at my house u need a sense of humor and to be

I cry way more then i used to. Usually when im emotional. I was never a cry at movies or books or songs kind of person. I knew my grandmother as that person. Everything made her cry. And after i accomplished lots of healing, breaking cycles, letting go of unhealthy relationships, therapy, throwing myself into learning new skills even when it was more boring than a crazy night. I really thought id never feel happy again. I was so numb yet emotionally raw at the same time. I thought boring normal relationships or doing things where i wasnt almost dying, never knew how the night would go so took a toothbrush life. That was what my life became. And in my own time, through my own decisions, i gave therapy a shot. And i still didnt think id ever be happy with normal. I threw myself into learning guitar. It was always something i was interested in, from elementary school, someone brought one and played and i was in awe of it. Kind of like i was in awe of someone speaking hebrew which i also learned.

Im just proud that i chose life. After a long time of choosing death. This year, i chose life. This next year, i want to choose life too.

This year i want to choose life.

I want to be fully committed to myself, being guided by halacha.

I will choose life.

I will get a job that feeds my passions.

I will have enough money to live and extra to give and live nicely.

I will battle each day that the demons show up. I will fight to live a healthy boring life.

In my life right now, healthy doesnt mean eating salads everyday. It doesn't mean going to the gym. It doesn't mean counting calories, or being a runner, or owning a stanley cup thing. Healthy means

I had to learn this:

Treat people according to who u r, not according to who they r.

[spiralsta1rcase]

Sad and Long Post .. Lolllll........ Venty....

i really hate being trans though because if i get "misgebdeeed"(or, correctly gendered lol) i immediately start to feel guilty and like i don't deserve it. especially if it's in front of my parents. my mom always talks about transgender people like they're freaks and so im scared she'll see me as a freak. im so scared for the future because i love my parents so much they're mt best friends but if i tell them anything im afraid ill lose that forever even if i know they'll love me no matter what.

also i won't ever be able to change my name because im so accustomed to being called my name, and its such a feminine name too, and its such a common name. and every male portuguese name sucks shit ass balls. one time i tried to go by mateus and i had this google extension and my brother found out about it and he told me Yeah you're too young for that stuff and also mateus is a fuckign terrible name bro if you do transition just keep your name. i want to do that but it'll definitely be weird.

also i. i don't know. my real life friends call me by he/him but for some reason it just feels so weird. i love being he/himmed online but i feel just so sick and degenerate being called by those words in real life. it's so weird but i also dont want to be confusing to others so i let it slide. i feel like if im accepted for who i am as a man i don't deserve it, i feel sick, i feel like a horrible person and a liar. maybe it's something called internalised transphobia but i don't know what that even means. i feel so uncomfortable dressing in women's clothing and having long hair and looking too girly but if i get called a guy in front of my parents i feel ashamed. maybe it's because i don't want my parents to hate me. and also a lot of the people in my school are transphobic, and a lot of the people who i .. euuugh Like. are straight guys. so i'll make myself into a girl for them to like me too.(but that will never work because i'm fat and i've got a little bit of a moustache and i have a generally just masculine face)

i just really want to escape and live as someone else. i don't want to have an eating disorder but i just want to be skinny because i think that's the source of my problems. im awkward and i keep to myself and im shy and nobody i like ever likes me Because Im Fat. maybe if i were born in a future time it'd be different, but i can't change that, i thinkfat people will be hated forever. and i'll be fat forever. i want to starve myself and i want to get skinny i wish i could weigh 20 kilos. but i can't because my parents will worry. and it's bad for me. i hate exercise and im a picky eater i think the only thing i can do is take that injection that gets rid of your hunger or whatever. my mom had it and she said it worked until she forgot to take it once. i probably shouldn't though. i'm not obese im just a few kilos overweight, im at about 67-69 kilos. i should probably walk around while typing this so i can get some steps in

but . gah it's a horrible time for me right now. i don't know. i think it's because- i haven't weighed myself in a while but im probably at like 100kg now. hey, let's get some optimism here. i just weighed myself, and im at 69! my parents always said im a very positive person so let's just think positive. i don't want to seem like i hate myself so horribly because i really don't, i just hate my outer self, is all. i love who i am and i love my family and i love my skills and im a talented and smart person im just fat. being fat isn't a bad thing, its just a bad thing for me right now, because stupid assholes won't like me for it - but do i want them to like me anyway? if i did get skinny and they acted nice to me again, id probably hate them even more for it. i don't even think im the ugliest person in the world. there are times i look in the mirror and i think i look quite nice actually. my one big problem, i think, is vanity, even though i try to hide it. and i worry so much about how others see me. one time i didn't go to school cuz my hair was a bit oily. vanity is nice but it's horrible to have so much of it. then i can't do anything. i get too worried about how i look and how that guy sitting across of me thinks of me. does it match up with who i am? oh god, what if they think i'm x or y, when i'm actually x-2*a^2/58385892+bc+y(z-7)?!??!?! im gonna cry! this has cheered me up a bit. i think its cuz i weighed myself, lol. i've also noticed, side note, i get a lot more carefree when someone's not around.. when that person is around i get all worried and sad that i gained 0.5kg. i'm not saying who someone is because, even though it's a one in a trillion chance, someone might find this and someone might kill me for it. well goodbye. have a good day. i'm going to walk around some more though o want to type some more cuz it keeps my mind off things. i wonder if i should even post this.. nobody's gonna read it anyway, though, so whoooo cares. who knows, if anyone does read it, maybe they'll say, hey, i've got the same thing as you. and they'll tell me what it is! but that's just a thought.. no one's reading this, honestly. hey you know i just watched a full movie on tiktok for the first time - the guy actually posted all the parts! it's crazy! and the movies really.. it's a bit.. meh but it's quite well made, had me shaking up a storm on my sofa and biting my nails. it was called The Call i think. ok goodbye

[midnighteloquence]

um

i actually dont know where im going to with this rant im just gonna type my emotions til im bored (tw: small mention of sh, suicide, mentions of drugs, depression i think??, relationship talk at some point)

recently ive been more tired and more burned out and sad. i dont know why, maybe its my lack of sleep, maybe uts other factors, but ive just been really depressed. not to the point of cutting again, to the point where im just apathetic towards everything. also C at some point texted me checking up on me and telling me to sleep to “remove the sad”. i got confused and asked why, and they said they were scared of me killing myself. am i really that obvious?? they talked about how tired i looked, how sad i looked, the scars on my arms. they talk alot about how i wont open up or talk about what im going through. no matter how many times you critique me for not opening up im still not gonna fucking do it, sorry to break it to ya. why? because im fucking scared. im scared because what if you laugh? what if you dont even care? what if you say some shit like “real” or “me fr” like you always do? i dont want to open up to you or anyone because of those factors.

recently ive been feeling more and more suicidal. ive been rummaging through the pill cabinets in my house, ive been keeping blades in my school bag and around my room, ive searched up ways to kill myself. ive been more and more tempted to write a note, to save just in case i actually do it. i think the only things holding me back is the fear of after death and my family’s reaction. i dont want my mum to cry because i was stupid enough to kill myself. i dont want to leave my brother alone. i dont want them to have to clean out my room. im scared of something that isnt finite, which is why im so scared of death. if there is an afterlife, you have to stay there infinitely. if there isnt, its pitch black infintely. infinite scares me, commitment scares me. its why im not dead

most days i feel like sleeping or bedrotting til morning. other days i feel like trying to find meds in my house that can give me some sense of euphoria. i want to feel a sense of floating. but none of the things in my house provide that feeling.

i dont feel anything from caffeine. its not even that ive grown a tolerance to it, its just that ive had a high tolerance from the start. maybe its because of my dad, since he drinks alot of coffee. i cant feel energised from anything, it sucks. why cant i feel anything over than sheer exhaustion?

and im not even sure if i want all of it to end, because who am i if not ill? if im not ill i have nothing to prove to people, i wont be able to talk about my problems anymore because id be fine.

i feel like all of my friends are going to leave me. its just a huge, lingering feeling thats been there for years. my friends would be better off without me, im not a good person anyways. im not enough, im not pretty enough or smart enough or talented enough or funny enough, my personality is a bore, i dont talk about anything thats remotely interesting, im overall not good enough. they all know that, i know they all know that. they probably have a groupchat without me, to talk about what i said, and talk about leaving me. So why dont you? leave me, ill kill myself and make you regret leaving me while im suffering (this is over exaggerated sorry)

i like this guy but tbh i dont know what itd be like to date him yk? like i would love to date him, but imagining a romance is sort of, impossible i guess? plus idek if he likes me back or if hes just messing with me, and idk how to ask.

also C kept on talking about how id like to make out with him, which ew. not every person with romantic attraction wants to make out with people. some people want emotional intimacy, devotion, the ups and downs of relationships. sure, physical affection is a thing you can experience in a relationship, but its not the only thing. jesus, all relationships have been dumbed down to is sex and kissing and im sick of it. why cant i have a partner to have every aspect of a relationship? to explore our likes and dislikes, to talk about things we havent shared before, to be emotionally committed, to give and receive, to show sympathy, to love a person.

sorry ik i went from suicide to relationships but at this point im just ranting about things on my mind

ive just grown tired of everything, im so apathetic. every day is blurring together, everything goes by so quickly. im turning 14 this year, I thought i was still 10, playing roblox endlessly with my friends while the world spirals into chaos. but no, im a teenager who spends all her goddamn time on her phone talking about how much she wants to kill herself. im scared of growing up to quick, of growing up at all. what if im an even worse person in the future? what if i dont get accepted to that one uni? what if everyone’s disappointed in me? i dont want to grow up this fast. i remember 4 years ago talking to my dad about how much i wanted an account on youtube, and him saying that i had to be 13. i said that it’d take forever, and he said that time would fly really fast. he was right, i picked my gcse options a couple weeks ago, this academic year has flown by so fast. i dont like it

i fear that im not the person my parents want me to be. i listen to music 24/7, my grades arent as good as they could be, im moody and spend my time in my room. i barely take part in my hobbies anymore, im just a mess. im so disappointing.

i ran out of topics so ill end it there, good night everyone (one person)

[oh-my-damn]

so ive realized today or at least came to terms with the fact that i think im in love with you? Like i dont think its just a silly crush that will go away but actual fucking feelings that makes your heart all bouncy and shit but alas youre not into girls and youre wayyyyyyyyyyyyy outta my league what with how smart funny sexy sweet and kind you are but i just thought id let you know so it dont eat me alive

Oh my god hon 🥺 wait are you sure? Because I swear i really am such a loser dork in real life 😭 im truly nothing special, all i do is basically go to school/work, okay video games and watch movies/read books, i am the most boring person on earth lmao

What makes you think youre in love with me? 🥺

[strawberryspeachy]

I was scrolling through my pictures and found a guide for things to study to prepare one of my students for moving to america

Its pretty detailed and makes me wonder if im getting stupider as time goes on because i forgot about several things that i came up with without even researching 2 years ago

While looking at it i remembered

The boy asked me actually. He asked me about school in the states and he was worried about some of the classes. I tried to put his mind at ease for the transition and assure him that he’ll have help for most things.

He was half white and his dad was american. His dad was a writer actually and he told me about his books during a speaking test. So he spoke english fluently. Actually that was something he was worried about. He said his dad told him he has an accent - he really didnt.

But on that I started to ask him about things we do in English class back home. He had no idea about even the basics. Not surprising. They dont do things that involve critical thought in japanese schools.

I started briefly explaining some things to him and told him id make him a guide

Then. We were cut off

The teacher came and told me he needed to go eat lunch.

Later she came and apologized to me because he told her that he asked me for advise and that he was nervous realizing that he wasnt prepared for American English classes.

She thought i just went to talk to a kid. Stopped him from going to lunch. And was stressing him out.

Not because i do that but because thats how japanese teachers see foreigners here. Being weird idiots that bother ppl

And the thing is id forgotten about that till just now.

I HATED that feeling as an ALT. Im s weird person - but not a fucking weirdo who harasses children to talk me. I hated when the teachers tried to make me do that. And i hated when they assumed thats what happened whenever a student came to talk to me.

Theyd always look worried and annoyed when students were talking to me and theyd shoo them away. And i couldnt say its ok or anything. I couldnt say or do anything. Just smile and encourage the kid that the jaapnese teacher had a good reason for telling them to not talk to me

The thing is. I liked the teacher i just mentioned. She was one of the nicest ones i worked with as an ALT. I forgot about all the shitty times with her. She got nicer to me after my mom died. All the teachers did. I noticed and i know. But somewhat also forget.

It took a horrible thing for them to see me as a human. And to just look at what i do as another person and not a strange alien they must protect the children from.

I came to japan for a paid vacation. I wanted to explore and enjoy traveling going to concerts meeting ppl and just having a good time.

Id planned to go home and take care of my mom. I thought i could write stories while i was here and look for a job back home.

Then corona hit and ruined everything. I never even got to see my mom again

Never got to feel stability

Now the money ive saved up is worth half the value back home

I have nothing to fucking show for my time here

I cant afford to go back to america

My moms not there

I dont even have a house to return to

Im so much worse off now than when i left if i go back

But i also cant deal with that degrading treatment again. Even as a legit teacher in a school working through a company middleman im treated as less than.

As an ALT i was treated like a fucking idiot mascot play toy. Like equipment. Not a person.

And as a native teacher - last year - god do you know how fucking annoying it is to have ppl who can’t speak your native language tell you whats correct?!? To be told to keep students in line, motivate them, teach them, and entertain them all while having someone undermine you at every turn. Them complain the students dont respect you. I mean that was only with 5 kids in 432 students. And thats the other fucking problem. Last year my schools students were wonderful. They were friendly smart motived and kind. Except 2 bitchy girls and one boy - the girls turned like 3 more kids in their class against me. But the rest of my students liked me. And because the PE turned English teacher didnt like english he bitched about me and used those few kids against me. I have more than 420 actively improving their assignments and having full english conversations with me. I have the two loud classes all the teachers hate because they refuse to do their work - coming to me and asking if they did my assignments correctly and asking when they need help - but because a handful of kids dont like me - that teacher turns me into a bad guy and gets me the boot.

And thats the shit to expect with even the better job i have.

The school im not rn has a native teacher who uses his charisma to make life better for the native teachers at the school. This is the best im gonna get

I cant find another job. Im trying but too many ppl want to come to japan rn

I really cant afford to go back home

And im entirely out of the patience to be treated like a fucking slave. Literally at this point. Between the shit wages that keep going down and high costs. I cant afford the shit job that wants me to act like the japanese assholes dog. Treating me however they want and i have to just smile back

I want my mom. I want to go back to when i had my pets and my house and lived near my friends.

I keep saying it but its true. Im living the future that i used to have in my nightmares and wake up screaming from. I want to wake up again back before 2011