#i really dont know what id do if i go into a smart person school

[awritessomething]

Stressed | harry osborn x fem!reader

summary | after Harry’s inheritance, he feels overwhelmed with all the new responsibilities. thankfully his girlfriend can help destress.

warnings | smut, public(ish) sex, swearing, oral m!receiving, almost getting caught, raimi!verse harry, short. I dont proofread id cringe

if you can’t tell I like james franco

No one so young should experience the traumas that Harry Osborn did. Finding his father’s dead body, seemingly murdered by Spiderman himself, being hated by his father, and then having to take over the family business before he was even 25, was a lot. Thankfully, through it all, he had support. You.

The relationship started pretty early in high school, Harry being all over you the second he laid eyes on you. The most perfect girl he had ever seen. Smart, gorgeous, the best personality and sense of humor. And you loved him. What else could a guy want?

Now that he was in charge of his father’s business though, the stress he experienced increased tenfold. The hours he spent doing paperwork, trying to figure out what the actual fuck was going on, was really getting to him. One day, as he was sat in his office, hunched over the desk, you walked in. You carried a glass of water in your hands, meant to be for yourself. The glass was placed on the desk and he downed it in a second. No use in protesting now.

“Youre overworking yourself, Harry,” you said. He leaned back in his chair and nodded.

“I know, but this is important.” His hand stretched out to take one of yours. He kissed each knuckle twice. Your free hand ran through his hair, which he leaned into. A slight smile curved your lips at the sight.

“You’re so tense,” you whispered, the words seeming to leave your lips as a sigh. You pulled your hands away from him to rest on his shoulders, thumbs digging into the knots of his muscles. He groaned softly and leaned back a little more, slouching. Rounding his chair, you stood in front of him. “Are you coming to bed soon?”

“No, no. I can’t. Don’t wait up for me, I’ll be a while.” He frowned and put his hands on your hips. You nodded and walked to the door, taking the glass with you. Your fingers curled around the doorknob and then you halted. A thought crossed your mind.

“Then can I do what I wanted to do… here?” You turned around again to look at him. His brows furrowed slightly, but he nodded. Crossing the room quickly, the glass hit the wooden desk once more. His eyes followed your every move curiously until he saw you kneel.

“Oh- you meant that?” He gasped slightly. A short nod was all that was given as a response as your fingers moved to tug off the belt he wore with his suit. His hips lifted so you could pull his trousers down as well. His boxers followed. His cock hardened under your touch, twitching slightly as it rose to its full glory. Soft lips pressed kisses along his shaft, tongue darting out to press along the veins that ran up it.

Initially, Harry believed that your actions wouldn’t distract him too much, that maybe it could just be like a massage but… on his cock. It had been a long time since they had the chance to have sex, so he definitely forgot how good it was. After his tip touched your tongue, it was over. His balls strained.

Manicured nails dug into his thighs slightly just to ground herself as you took him into your mouth. His eyes rolled back briefly before opening again to be able to watch. The taste of his precum as it seeped into your mouth seemed heavenly in a way. So foreign, yet so familiar.

One hand was twisting around the parts of him that wouldn’t fit into your mouth, while the other held his balls. They were full and painfully heavy, needing release. He was so very sensitive. The light fondling of his balls had his thighs quivering just slightly as his nails dug into the fancy wooden desk in front of him. There was a call on the phone.

“Motherfucking- mmh..” he moaned softly and denied the call. But they called back again and again. The feeling of your tongue against his cock was too good to let go of though. His fingers threaded into your hair, taking control of your movements as he picked up the phone. “Osborn,” he grunted, doing his best to sound put together. His eyes squeezed shut in focus and he leaned back in the chair, pushing your head down on his cock.

The conversation he had over the phone wasn’t registered by your mind as his hand kept your head pushed down. The smell of him was overwhelming as the light hairs around his base tickled your nose. It seemed like hours until he hung up the phone and released his grip. Removing your mouth from him briefly, you coughed to catch your breath.

“You ok, baby?” He murmured, not realizing what he had really done. You didn’t seem to realize either though. With one more blink and a breath, he was back in your mouth. His thighs tensed and you felt his balls squeeze in your hands. “Shit- fuck.. hold on-“ he grunted and his back arched slightly. Harry always prided himself on not cumming fast, or having his shit together when he did.

Not this time.

With a buck of his hips and a drop of spit running to his balls, he came. “Shi… mm!” He muffled his noise with a hand over his mouth. While he was still spurting cum right down your throat, the door to his office opened.

“Mr. Osborn? Peter Parker is here,” his assistant said. Harry nodded, keeping his hand over his mouth and lowering his head. The assistant was confused at the nearly crosseyed expression Harry had on his face, so he just backed out of the office.

Harry grabbed a tissue from his desk and touched your cheek. “Spit,” he said softly and held the tissue near your mouth. Your lips parted to show your mouth empty. His cum was swallowed.

Harry took a moment and just stared at where he expected to see a pool of his cum and then cleared his throat. He set the tissue on the desk, moved his hair away, and then helped you out from under the desk. But then he spun you around and pinned you to it. His pelvis pressed against your ass.

“I’m sure Pete can wait, yeah?”

[noihavenosanitythanksforasking]

tldr: the story of how i figured out im gay and why i relate to byler so much. aka why its good rep

this was not supposed to be this long

my best friend doesnt like stranger things bc she thinks the metaphorical texture of the show is gross feeling(valid) but she follows me on here and has had to block the byler tag bc its all i post about these days and shes not into it.

anyways it made me think about why i love byler so much and it definitely has to do with the fact that as a queer person i relate super heavily to their story. being gay is way more acceptable now and i was born in 07 so its not like its was considered a death sentence to be gay in general. however i grew up in the classical church. my mom was part of a religious cult in highschool and i was my parents first kid and they were super protective of me. Im also autistic and i spent most of my childhood very worried about doing and acting the right way to make people accept me. my parents favorite story to tell people about my childhood is that when i finally graduated my crib and got a toddler bed they were worried that i would never let them sleep again. that didnt happen tho, in fact i refused to get out of bed with out express permission and would lay there until they came told me i could get up.

id like to say that i was homophobic growing up but not in the traditional sense. it was more that i was actually afraid of gay people. No one around me ever really said anything blatantly homophobic or had radical ideas about the subject but we were so deep into the church and i was always afraid of everything. when i was in elementary school we would do drills. call and response cult like stuff. theyd ask us to define sin and wed spout off this memorized line about going agaisnt gods will in action or thought or intention. i didnt even know what a gay meant until i got to middle school and the entire idea terrified me. because thats not allowed and when someone brings it up all the adults get that one look on their face and the pastor says that homosexuality is a sin or wtv.

i had this one friend, lets call her jane, at the time. i really liked her but she was kind of a delinquent, she didnt have the best home life and she was kind if an angry kid so when she came out to our friend group as bisexual in i think 7th grade, we (the rest of the group was v religious ) were concerned about it but not really surprised. we werent supportive but we werent angry either. it was more like we werent sure what to do. she had always been a problem child so it didnt seem to out of the blue for someone like her to like girls so we just kind of tried not to talk about it again.

I was a pretty big drama kid at the time( still am) (i swear i have a point to this) and i became friends with this one girl. lets call her belle. anyways i reallllyyyy liked belle i dont think i had a crush on her but i thought she was really cool and fun and liked hanging around her. we werent really close much to my past and present dismay but when i did hang out with her i always had a fun time. a few years later she told me that she was bisexual. this pretty much broke my little brain. because belle was cool and fun and normal and it was the first time when i realized that maybe there was something wrong with the way my church worked. they had to be wrong because there was no way belle was evil and going to hell. i loved being friends with her and i couldn't accept the fact that her liking girls changed anything. she still felt like the same person. still the topic was terrifying to me, i was so afraid that i was wrong or maybe just not smart enough to see the truth. so many people around me that i grew up being told knew what was right, knew what god was telling us said that it was wrong so maybe i just didnt get it. maybe i wasnt close enough to god to understand what made gay people so bad. still something changed from then and the next year i ended up being close to this girl, lets call her beth, (all my other friends had either moved on or were on different sides of our grade and tbh i was terrified of her but i had no one else). Anyways beth also had a crazy homelife she talked a lot about how she hated her family and how she would kill her dad if she could. she also ate highlighters, just drew on her tongue, and sold pictures of her feet on instagram to make money. needless to say as soon as i hit highschool i never spoke to her again, she freaked me out. anyway one day me and beth were walking at recess and she turns to me and tells me that im gay. i knew she was pan at this point and i didnt really care though looking back on it she was definitely flirting with me. I got freaked out and told her there was no way i was gay and assumed that she just wanted me to like her back but id had a crush on a guy before so i couldnt be gay.

speaking of this guy, he sat next to belle in my science class in 6th grade. i sat behind them and they were good friends. we were sort of a trio in that class and i thought he was really nice and funny. he was the first guy id ever been friends with and i assumed that the fact that i enjoyed hanging out with him and having fun meant that i must have a crush on him. because girls and boys cant just be friends. thats what everyone always said at least. one day we were texting and he told me that he liked me and wanted to go out. i csnt describe the feeling i got then. it was this werid mix of anxiety and fear and knowing that i should be excited but instead i was disappointed. and i didnt know why. i told him i wasnt allowed to date til 16 and if he still wanted me then whe could date then. i cried about it for almost a year. which doesnt make any sense because i rejected him not the other way around. but i felt heartbroken. im still not really sure why.

when beth told me i was gay i p much told her to f off in the most good christian way possible but i still thought about it. the idea felt so overwhelming and i couldnt think about it without wanting to have a panic attack so i stopped thinking about it. then i had a gay dream about jane and honestly i should have figured it out then but somehow i completely disregarded.

i changed schools for high school so i was with a lot of new people. i wanted a fresh start. at the time i felt like id been pretending to be someone else for my whole life and i hoped that starting over would help me find myself or something. I always sort of knew i was different from other kids i never felt like we had much in common or something but i could never put a finger of what it was (it was the autism). when i started highschool my main goal was to make friends on my own and conquer my social anxiety when had been crippling throughout middle and elementary. i ended up meeting this girl, lets call her cassie, (so many people ikik) and we became super close. she had a lot of issues as well bc apparently i attract unstable people. she was by far the worst id dealt with though. she was suicidal, ocd, anorexic and hurt her self a lot. it was a very codependent friendship but we were attached at the hip. she was my whole world at the time, nothing else really mattered more than her not killing herself. one day we were texting after midnight and she told me that she thought she might be bisexual and i told her a didnt care. i really didnt care i was more worried about her killing herself. she said she had a crush on someone but wouldnt tell me who and i let the topic die.

then heartstopper came out on netflix and i got DEAD sick. i couldnt even speak. it was very bad. anyways i had a computer at this point and was looking for something to watch. i settled on heartstopper because id heard so many good things about it and i was morbidly( at the time) curious. i watched the entire show in one sitting. i was scared my mom would find out and when she did find out she gave me this hesitant look and said she didnt love the idea of me watching that kind of stuff. i watched it anyways. i was mesmerized dude. the scene of nick nelson in his bedroom, on the verge of tears searching the internet for anwsers was so powerful to me and it was like something clicked in my brain.

what if i am gay??

id never let myself actually ask mysrlf that before. id never dared to even think it was a possibility because of course im straight. id know if i liked girls. but i sat there dead sick and dying slowly and looked over at my book case at all my favorite books. i looked up on youtube how to tell if your bisexual (bc ofc i like guys duh) and it said something about thinking about how you feel about fictional characters and i sat and i thought. it was a very overwhelming week. i thought back to middle school and the strange possessiveness i had over my best friend at the time, the feeling of hurt i always seemed to have when she hung out with someone else. i hated that part of myself. i felt validated in my feelings at the time but i never knew why i felt that way and it felt unfair to her.

at the time i was talking to a guy. he was nice and pretty chill but i sort of knew i didnt like him the way he liked me. i wanted to though. i wanted to like him so freaking badly. so i kept taking to him. id be on the phone with him for 5 hours just talking about nothing and tell myself that this was what its like to like someone. it wasnt a bad experience, he was nice and i liked to talk to him. but i didnt have feelings for him. one night i texted cassie back and told her that maybe i was bi too. she was from a christian household too and we talked for a while one what we should do.

my parents have always had this policy of being honest with each other when sometbing happens in our lives. which i think is pretty normal but my autistic ahh took it very seriously. almost as soon as i started questioning i told them. bad idea, was not ready. i was so scared that somehow theyd look at me and figure out that i was thinking about it, and that theyd be mad that i didnt talk to them about it. i said it at dinner and there was legit forks dropped. my mom took me on a 2 hour long walk to try and explain myself which was HELL because i couldnt even understand what was going on.

"why do you think you like girls??"

"idk"

they eventually dropped the subject.

soon after that me and cassies relationship started to get werid. after being so codependent for so long we had thsi strange sort of toxic need for each other to be sane or something. she confessed that she had a crush on me and i really wasnt sure how to feel about it. she was so important to me and the trauma and confusion and drama of our friendship got all jumbled in my head and we fell into some sort of homo romantic something. we never did anything besides holding hands a few times, but we did that before either of us came out anyways. we went to summer camp summer after freshmen year and shit really hit the fan and we ended up having a friendship breakup. she told me afterwards that she was a devoted christian now, that god had saved her from herself and that now she was straight. i was really lost the rest of that summer. i wasnt sure what to do at all, who i was or what i was supposed to do now that i left the person i had dedicated the past year of my life and my mental health too. i was really suicidal for a few months after that but slowly i got better.

second semester of sophomore year i had my first real crush on one of my close friends at the time. she was straight which sucked but those 6 months of my life were some of the most terrible exhilarating experiences of my life. thats how i knew i wasnt wrong. bc theres no heterosexual option for wanting to make out with a girl in a dirty school bathroom stall.

it was hard though, being in love with someone you know will never feel that way about you. even if at the time i had mostly gotten over the majority of my internalized homophobia theres still that feeling of guilt. you feel so gross and creepy and unwanted. this person doesnt want you, they dont even want your gender but you cant let it go. its a very lonely feeling.

it was around the same time that i figured out that i was a lesbian. after i felt what it was like to like someone, really like someone. to be able to identify that feeling as romantic feelings, it was pretty obvious that i didnt like guys. i felt really bad about the guy i was talking too. he had no idea and id just heen leading him on for almost a year. i felt super shitty about it.

idk if that was coherent but i guess thats why i love byler so much. it feels so raw and real to me. i watch the van scene and i see myself. i see how hard it was and how much i hated myself and wanted so badly to be normal and to be able to talk about boys with my friends without feeling uncomfortable. i see the way mike is with el and i see myself with that boy from middle school. so desperate for affection and so so confused. this feeling of guilt and regret, the heartbreak of loosing someone that you couldve had but you dont want. i want to want it but i dont and its so heartbreaking.

i almost think its a worse feeling that being broken up with. i fell in love with a girl recently and she ended up ending things. i was super upset about it cried for a long time. but still. its not the same hurt. it hurts but its not the same deep primal hurt. sitting on my bathroom floor at 13 years old sobbing my eyes out because im not with a boy that i rejected. wishing that things were different but not wanting to actually change. i broke my own heart and i didnt even mean too

[cowboy-robooty]

something that i think is sooooo stupid is this obsession people have with being "good for their age" at art. i know a million people say this and talk about this sentiment being harmful already but i really do think it is a terrible way to think about things. Art is a skill just like being good at math or playing basketball and I think its stupid when people put the worth of their skillset in tandem with their age because also it completely disregards the notion of how everybody lives in different ways. Michaelangelo was so good at art not only because he was a genius but also because bro literally woke up every mf day and only drew since he was a little baby so no shit he could make amazing sculptures in his early 20s. Everyone lives with so many different responsibilities and different amounts of freetime, so really i think its quite stupid to say someone is "good for their age" because that doesnt say anything about their ability to budget their time or naturally progress or commit to the grind despite everything or really anything at all since you dont have any idea about what kind of life they live. There are crazy artists out there who go to cram school for 11 hours a day on top of extracirriculars + volunteer work and still manage to create with the same skill level as someone who is the president of going home club. You dont know the resource of time that is ACTUALLY avaliable to one person compared to others using their age, so its stupid to act as though that its such a big deal. I personally dont think ive ever been good at drawing for my age and thats fine because I dont care about that. I could be good at drawing for my age if i committed more freetime to practicing it, but i dont because i dont want to. just like how i could be a super scholar whiz at chemistry or something but im not because I dont want to spend all my freetime doing problems and reading textbooks. I dont think the progress id make in those kinds of skills are worth missing watching a movie with my friends or learning how to bake a cake or enjoying a walk on a trail. I think anybody can be a genius at anything if they put their mind to it, but it also comes at great suffering most of the time because a lot of sacrifices have to be made and being able to embrace the choices you make with the limited time you have is important to being happy with what you have. Like yknow celebrating the stuff you were able to collect instead of mourning all the things you wish you had. I think only very few people are actually good at art for their age, like how einstein is one of the few people who was for real smart for his age and that is okay because what matters is having something you feel passion in doing. For a lot of people if they actually forced themselves to sacrifice what they needed to in order to be "good for their age" they would probably lose the passion in their craft during that process; which is probably one of the only ways to make the skill of drawing useless.

[an0ldworld]

hello !! i love the way you write :] !! i was just wonderin if you do requests for 42!Miles ? it's no problem if you dont but if you do id be so grateful for one with a masc reader :'D reader is an artist like miles or could maybe be his spiderman as well ? thank you !

miles 42 w/ an artistic spider-reader !

earth 42 miles x masc!reader

i’ll be the first to admit that i was a lil stumped since we don’t know all too much about wiles, but i did some digging and figured he’s gonna be around 17, vigilante and there’s a lot of things in his design that helped me figure out his personality (i think, anyway. please for the love of god don’t let my education be in vain)

wasn’t sure if you wanted platonic, general shit or romance so i just sprinkled a bit of everything in this because we need more masc fanfiction out there (fun fact, i write fanfiction but i do not read it)

if this is just shit lemme know and i’ll go missing <3

warnings: none

pairing: miles 42 x masc!reader

requests: OPEN RAAHH

it was so fucking hard to find a half decent cap of this man

★⋆ ⋆☆⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆☆⋆⋆★✧

AIGHT if you’re to become earth 42 spiderman then it’s likely under the same circumstances as miles 1610. or, who knows, maybe there’s another radioactive spider hanging about somewhere that bit you

REGARDLESS imma go ahead and say that this bite is gonna be a recent thing, otherwise NYC wouldn’t be in such a state

unless you just like people to suffer idk

you and miles are friends before the bite, can’t imagine he tolerates a lot of people now with all the stuff he has on his mind so you’re a long time friend, maybe more

miles is the guy you go to straight away with this, if you’ve discovered you have these incredible powers and suddenly heightened senses

just imagine the revelation when you realise what this can mean for the world

spider-man wasn’t a thing in this dimension, so you’re a completely new beacon of hope

earth-42, if you haven’t seen the test animation, seems pretty corrupt and fucked

miles and uncle aaron seem to be a vigilante pair that steal things like medicine for hospitals, maybe because the state of the world just means they’re short of resources, or it’s being led by a really disgusting government

miles 42 is a good guy . you cant change my mind

miles has been the prowler for however many years at this stage, uncle aaron being his right hand man in operations

regardless of how close the two of you are, this is something that he’s kept hidden from you if he can help it

but all of that is just recklessly discarded when he realised you can help, it’s new hope, and he’s desperate

he’s still incredibly discreet when talking about it, especially when you two are in his home

the last thing he wants is to get his mother involved, that woman means the world to him and he’d die before she was exposed to this stuff

but let’s assume you two take on this role together, young vigilantes that have to make things in the world right

it’s a secret that you two have sworn up and down about never telling another soul, no matter what

miles is the prowler and you’re spider-man, go make a difference

while you guys are vigilantes together, you are still kids. minors, whatever

so, yeah, you do still get to go to school and live the best of both worlds if you’d like to

you take the same art class together, you’re both acing tf outta it because i said so

but let’s be honest, miles 42 is way more stern and focused, he might have been like the other miles we know at some point, but not anymore

his design is all sharp and rigid, hatched- this is a reflection of his personality

you’ve definitely helped to instil some hope in him, though

you can see him soften up every once in a while, and god knows he loves his mum, we love to see it

probably the most domestic thing you guys will get to experience is designing your suits together. naturally, all spider-people are stupidly smart so you can actually contribute to tech design and build things to execute missions more effectively and efficiently

even if you two are boyfriends, things just seem so tense all of the time in that world

unfortunately, earth-42 is a place where you have to have eyes in the back of your head, but you two get to act as that for each other so you don’t constantly have to be looking over your shoulders paranoid

granted, it’s a tough role

new york is in ruins thanks to the unfortunate circumstances, but your dimension has a spider-man now, hopefully you can help the world heal

actual missions can get intense at the drop of a hat

prowler is all about stealth, so recon missions have to be done with serious precision and there is no room for mistakes

especially when it comes to stealing resources for the people, miles isn’t physically willing to let these things sit idle and go to waste when people are dying

it’s life or death, you two have to rely on each other whole heartedly

since miles doesn’t have his own webs, he relies on ropes and harness, but it all changes after you’ve gotten bitten

with your abilities, you two are able to move to much faster and fluently while fleeing a scene, it’s impressive

being caught isn’t nearly as risky thanks to your spider senses

he’s not vocal about it, but miles appreciates you so much

i don’t think that he’s gonna be some overly protective guy when he knows you can protect yourself, that’s just wasted energy and honestly insulting of him

again, even if you are together

he loves you and cares about your safety, you’re the man who’s helping him make the world a better place

he’ll worry if situations become dire, but he TRUSTS that you’ll be okay

you’ve got his back and he’s got yours

when all’s said and done, if something ever goes south, spider-man always gets back up

you’ll lick your wounds (tend to them properly but very reluctantly because you all know there’s so few resources)

probably relies on really gentle words of affirmation at the end of the day, otherwise you two wouldn’t cope

those nights are when he’ll use spanish terms of endearment (masculine), he doesn’t want you to feel neglected in a way

you’ll tuck away your suits together once the days come to an end and silently swear to secrecy once again, before the weight of being teenage vigilantes together takes over and you collapse onto the nearest surface together

he’d be a fool to not feel safe in his own home, especially with you and his mother in it (you too aaron, welcome back)

bonus:

before the world turned upside down, you and him used to get caught all of the time tagging different places with graffiti, Mr Morales was not pleased

if you ever get those peaceful moments of bliss amidst the chaos, your ability to climb walls is really helpful when spray painting up high

you can see just the faintest trace of the old miles, the artist who was completely doe eyed about the future

★⋆ ⋆☆⋆ ☠︎︎ ⋆☆⋆⋆★✧

DID I SLAY ? PLE

[moonchildstyles]

I'm reading gravity and I'm loving it but I need to see moreeeeeee. I need to see Harry getting jealous when he sees someone flirting with y/n when they go grocery shopping or something and she's a bit far away from him and he becomes awkward in that situation watching from afar because well he's still kinda shy nervous around people, but y/n is politely telling the guy that she's taken. I need to see y/n being mad at Harry for something and giving him the silent treatment and Harry just doesn't understand what he has done and is scrambling to figure it out and make it right

I also wanted to ask something, when I first started reading this I felt like Harry is giving virgin vibes. He's shy and always gets flustered. But he's also the complete opposite in front of camera. So is he extra shy only when he's with y/n because he liked her from the beginning or is he like that with every other girl? Because he's obviously shy in general and not very social but not always shy with other classmates, it seems. So I was thinking he probably is a virgin but he seems to have enough experience with women. Was he in relationships before or was it just flings or one time things? Because with his character I would think he'd be a relationship guy not a fling or one night stand guy you know? He's just so shy and emotional it's hard to believe he'd just be involved with someone and then never see them again or be attached to them. Am I making sense? He's an interesting character is what I am trying to say and I'm intrigued really

ahhhh thank you so much im so happy youre liking gravity!!! it means alotthat youve taken the time to read everything!!!!!

I def do want to do something where h gets jealous ive just struggled w what kind of jealous he is just bc theres those two different sides of him so we'll see how that all comes together!!! idk if id ever do anything w a silent treatment thing just bcthat always makes me really sad to read so idk if I could write it shufsgfgs

I think in general h is a shy quiet person that he generally doesn't really like....talk to people like that you know? but its easier w classmates when hes talking only about school work and things bc like hes confident in the fact that hes like pretty smart you know! but I think in general hes just a shy flustered kind of guy! that being saiiiiiiiid I pictured h like idk I can see him being someone that like idk I dont really want to call it a one night stand or a fling or whatever but I don't necessarily think he neeeeeeds love/a relationship to have sex like obviously hes comfortable in that aspect of his sexuality so I can see him like having had sex with other ppl before and it doesn't really have to be anything serious you know or like even just having sex when he just got to uni or in high school or something just to like...get the first time over and all! like if that person liked him and he liked them and it worked out I don't see him like turning I does bc he needs a romantic relationship w them first! I think it probably feels better and is more fun when hes in love lik he is w y/n but before her idk if that was something he necessarily needed you know like hes just able to separate sex from relationships just w the nature of his work!

[zombieefish]

okay so there is one specific piece of advice he gives which i have a problem with. heres the quote:

“Fall in love and stay in love. Explode. Don’t intellectualize. Get passionate about ideas. Cram your head full of images. Stay in the library. Stay off the internet and all that crap. Read all the great books. Read all the great poetry. See all the great films. Fill your life with metaphors. And then explode.”

which, that advice is MARVELOUS. that is grade A advice right there. however, i have a problem with the “stay off the internet” thing…the internet is my HOME. i physically cannot stay off of the internet no matter how much i try. id set a goal, and then go right back. the internet is where all my friends are, i cant leave!

but the internet is also home for a lot of my ideas, or the source for a majority of them. now, i understand he probably meant social media. however, there are so many good medias to explore!!! without the internet, there wouldnt be the object show community! there wouldnt be any object shows at all! if youre not brainrotting yourself and slowly wearing away and eliminating your brai. cells, the internet can be a good place to get and share ideas, as well as inspiration…

also, he said to fall in love and stay in love? im aroace…/j staying and being in love is a hard thing to do, not something we can really have control over. /j again (i get what he means and hes right)

i dont have a library. i cannot go to a library. unless you want me to go for a one hour drive, the school library is only open on mondays, and they dont send us any longer anyhow. so im going to have to rely on yhe internet for ebooks, or buying books, or going to barnes and noble. which im not particularly against…i love barnes and noble ❤️❤️❤️

i cant really understand what he means by “dont intellectualize”. dont get smart with it??? what??? in my humble opinion, i think any piece of media is GREAT when it has references or easter eggs or far-fetched implications or any of that stuff!!! it shows that you really care about what you do, and its even an opportunity to learn sometimes…

but in the end, thats just me. i mean this guys was born in the 1920s and died in 2012, i dont really know what i could have expected. also this isnt an attack on ray bradbury, i love him, and hes a great author. and i also love this specific piece of advice that he gives…i like how hes encouraging people to find inspiration, and to get started on things. you dont need permission. uou dont need permission to expand your interests and literacy. and you know what?? poetry is cool. books are really cool. films are cool. and inspiring. so im glad that he got that message out there

writing this while eating digestives there's probably spellingmkstakes

the internet can be a wonderful place, you're right!! making friends on here is something that people enjoy doing, and gives some people the sense of joy, talking to these people

it also comes with so many forms of media, circulating all around the world — so many shows, so many pieces and bits that make up a full puzzle, and some strive to complete their own puzzle when they get on here.. the internet has so many wonderful things that have been made on here, and a good amount of supportive people to go along with it

fall in love and stay in love is quite straightforward on his part.. when you fall in love, it's like an overwhelming thrush of feelings, and you sometimes feel blinded by these feelings, asking yourself what's next, and why are you acting like this. i think that it's hard to stay in love, especially with the way people generally treat relationships currently — seeing it as more of a thing you do for the thrill rather than the tender experience of love from another person, having the chance to develop into something stronger

but you can always fall out of love.. it doesn't have to be that you always love one person forever, because it alternates for everyone.. some may stay with their first, others are still embarking on that journey of finding that person who they ultimately click with

buying books is great! when you have a book, reading it at a slower pace helps you take the general idea in — adding to your whole world of ideas.. trapping all the information in and nerding out about books and other things is something people should do more

books ARE cool, films are cool.. all these things are cool, and even if someone tells you it's lame, that's them. you taking the time to enjoy these things makes you even cooler, and it's good to have that perspective of where things that are considered 'nerdy' are seen as cool

but that's just me ꒰ · ◡ · ꒱

[evermorethecrow]

EVERMORE THE CROW 1K SPECIAL..... EXPOSING MY PAST.................

ages ago when i was younger i had to write this letter talking about times i got injured for school work and it was so bad i went through it with a friend of mine and because i thought i wouldnt hit 1k before the end of the year saying id post it if i did.

AND NOW IVE DONE IT

so heres my letter :(

Dear sir, I chose to write about a dangerous situation I've been in but I found it so difficult to pinpoint one situation.I am such an impulsive and spontaneous person and I rarely think before I act .Therefore instead of just one dangerous situation I have composed. Before i start i would like to issue a warning under no circumstances should a person attempt to recreate any action in this list for it is ill advised and i don't want to go to court again Kind regards -------

Okay so let's start out small ,i mean like when i was small really small i couldn't walk, but oh boy i could climb and unfortunately for the better of my own health climb I did,climb out of my cot and i know because gravity people who drop out of things tend to have this annoying habit of hitting the floor.Lets just say my mum put PE mats on my bedroom floor after that.

Next…uhhhhh incident??? Oooh it's another escaping story  maan maybe i should change my name to houdini or something,anyway this was a little later like i was able to walk (uh oh) i reckon i was good a walking, a little too good, my mum looked away from my pram for a second a second too long when she looked back i was gone, everyone in the park was looking for me and after 10 minutes of looking my mum saw me walk out the playground, i left and went to the playground.We went home after that.

Time for the third story  I was two years old and was running buckwild in Greenwich Park and having a fun time, in fact I was having such a fun time I didn't hear my mum shout “LOOK OUT”.  I had a comically large bump on my head got concussed and had to go to hospital, Not for too long though the very next day i got sent home for using a IV as a skateboard

Just a heads up befor the next story alot of these storys will be me being stupid and endeing up in hospital so if you have idiotphopia or are scared it would be advised to leave now or buy todays sponsor raycon earbuds.

Anyway next accident  When i was five I was in bed as a five year old should be when I had a genius revelation Hmmm i I dont wanna use my legs to get out of bed so why not roll out instead….i did roll out of bed,right onto a plastic dinosaur and cut my eyelid, there was blood all over my face.But hey at least i got to meet an old friend of mine.The hospital waiting room.

So yeah you can probably see how i'm quite an accident prone person but i never really did anything that bad.SO WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE TIME I JUMPED OFF MY SCOOTER WHILE GOING SUPER FAST ON IT DOWN A HILL? I was seven and i was at our local park blythe hill and my seven year old brain wanted nothing more than to go down that hill at record speeds on my scooter,and i'm not talking about one of those fancy stunt scooters no i'm talking about a kids micro scooter, you know , the one where you would always put elastic bands on it, any way I was about halfway down the hill when i decided I was going too fast on it and i could get hurt and since id never had an injury before i wanted to prevent that so what did i do? I jumped of the scooter I was a smart kid. I jumped off my scooter and pretty much removed all the skin on that side of my body and too make matters worse it got infected and i had to take antibiotics for 4 weeks. Fun times

As you can probably see i might be a bit reckless and might be a bit bad at planning ahead  Which leads me to our next story, this ones a bit different you see this time  I didn't actually get hurt. I was at a friend's house and that friend's house had a garden with a tree,a tree and a garage which was placed close to the tree, and I, being a master climber since birth, scaled the tree with ease. But that wasn't enough for me no I wanted to climb the garage.So i went across the tree to the branche nearest the garage ,and climbed on top of the garage,the lovely,brick garage.my friends dad came out and saw me on top of the garage simply chilling and as you can probably predict he asked me to get down so instead of doing the rational thing and using the tree to et down.. I jumped of the garage onto the stone floor.I didn't go to their house for a while after that

I have another garage related story,This was in 2017 I was nine surely I was smateer by then and learned my lesson Right……Right? Me and my siblings were playing marco polo out the front of our house (never a good sign) And it was my turn to be blindfolded and find my siblings.I decided to run straight forward and hit the brick wall between two garages , I fractured my nose, chipped my front tooth and had to go to hospital.oops.

Now they say save the best for last and boy did i. It was 2020(oh god ) and we were celebrating my mom's birthday and all was going smoothly, well until i decided to leave our living room by jumping out the room from the sofa.it didn't go as planned.yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah i jumped off the sofa hi my head on the top of the door landed on my arm and spent 5 hours in hospital on my mums birthday.

That's all we have time for today However here are some honorable mentions 

.The time i used my scooter on a tall thin brick wall (someone really ought to take that thing of me honestly)

.All the times I hit my head on bins 

.And that time this year I literally without thinking put the hairdryer on my face after I used It and burnt stripes into my face 

Well thats the list of the most dangerous things ive done, of course ive done more dumb things but this paper has gone on long enough and I have school in the morning so bye I guess.

-------------

MY LIFE IS RUINED

[nahalism]

What do you think of therapy, personally? If you are comfortable w answering: did you ever have one yourself and how was the experience of it? x

(sorry in advance cause this will be long)

cool so, i was made to go for the first time at around 12/13, and the experience was damaging. so every other time they tried to get me to talk to someone, go to school counselling or seek help not only did i not trust the therapist, i literally wouldnt speak or would try flip the questions on them. HOWEVER, since september 2022 - this march/april i went to a therapist voluntarily just to see if i was wrong, if i could make quicker progress with someones help, or if by having a non biased person to soundboard my thoughts against id find it helpful. heres what i found (:

what i liked:

- i wanted a therapist because i wanted a second opinion. i was around ppl making me think i was some kind of villain or person that i didnt feel i was, and so instead of cutting people out & spiralling or forgiving & overcompensating like i have a tendency to do, i went to someone unbiased to g check me. my therapist did end up giving me that assurance that i wasnt crazy, but also helped me recognise how much i doubt myself, accept bare minimum, or talk myself out of what i feel/want to accommodate/enable others. i knew i had those patterns, but i didnt know to what extent, so for people being gaslit or for those who are prone to abusers / having a warped sense of reality, therapists can really offer that objective, external reassurance that grounds you back into reality without you having to survive a nervous breakdown.

- going also checked my arrogance in thinking i was my one and only saviour. practicing leaning on someone other than me was cool and it was nice to see what that can look like. it also affirmed that i know how to communicate and share (something people at the time were trying to convince me i am not capable of doing)

what i liked less:

- a therapist is not your friend or a replacement for friendship. there were times my therapist would say shit like 'if you ever need someone to talk to im always available' cause i didnt have anyone to talk to. & dont get me wrong, it was super sweet! but .. ultimately, if there was no financial incentive that wouldnt be the case. so i feel like someone more vulnerable or less clued in than me would have heard that and got drawn in, when no matter how cool your therapist is, ultimately the relationship is a business transaction.

- from a spiritual perspective, i feel like therapists know what to tell you according to logic and science, but very few therapists are skilled healers. i dont want to go to someone who helps me rationalise what i think and feel so i can show up as a productive member of this society we live in. i want someone who challenges me to see the truth where id rather buy into soft illusions, and as such helps me show up as an authentic, elevated, expression of me. there were times i was in a session being told something that applied and was smart, but i could tell the therapist didnt even embody that themselves & forgive me for being judgemental, but because they didnt embody it, they couldnt fully understand the consequence of being about the shit they talk about. in that circumstance id rather find an elder whos embodied the lessons their trying to pass on, than someone who only feels comfortable telling me to do what society, their parents, or modern science has understood and approved. sometimes the answer thats right for you isnt a path someone can encourage you toward, you have to find it for yourself. and sometimes, the answer isnt 'self love', 'self work', or gaining a sense of individuality, which is what therapy usually points people toward. sometimes its being in nature, quitting your job, giving service to community, service to nature, service to strangers. healing can mean going off of the beaten oath and therapy doesnt always advocate for that.

- 2 be blunt as fuck, there were times i was simply spending £50 to chat to someone for an hour which is why i no longer go. :/. i personally wanted a therapist so i could gain !!strategies!! that would help me with actually asserting boundaries, & dealing with people who try to violate, in a healthy way. instead i felt like i got an hour session of me talking. maybe that works for some people, but personally i didnt need someone to talk to, vent to, confide in... so it just felt like picking scabs off of closed wounds, whilst someone nods and empathises, but cant give any real indication of how i can change my circumstances or show up differently. then after an hour of bringing up shit you've given me no indication of how to fix, i have to go back into the environment that caused the stress and try not to be triggered or pop off on people. long dayyy

sooo thats how i feel. bare in mind, i am me and i sought out therapy for very specific reasons that may not be your reasons. if you need therapy and thats your path, you need to do whats right for you. however for my needs and where im at right now, i dont feel the need for a therapist. if i came out of processing some heavy shit or was in a place where i needed help or an unbiased voice to check me or reassure me i wouldnt write it off. however i just feel like people need to be self willed and self governed in this life, & the more we tap into what we feel & follow what feels good, the more we know, understand & can walk in wisdomm

hope this wasnt offputtingly long <3 blessings

[merlucide]

crying that is so sweet 😭 shhdjsjsja I love you girl every time we talk is always such a joy ugh ily tysm<333 (ALSO HELLO?!? don’t be telling the world what we do in the bedroom, heh, heh /j)

oh man where do I start💀

@someprettyname words cannot express my gratitude and love to you my wifey. You are so funny and so fun to converse with like you get it!! One of my favorite memories with you is one morning I woke up early and couldn’t sleep, so we talked about bit about I think Hindu Goddess? It was so fun and we just talked till the sunrise came up :) Your so funny and every time i catch myself saying something like ‘____________, no?’ I think of you lol. I love our culture talks as well, I always get to tell my mom about the current festivals that’s happening over there heh. You are so kind and understanding, and a great friend and I love you terribly <3

@sharkissm a yes, sharkie :) My first friend on here!! I’ve said it countless times before and I’ll say it again, your energy is so refreshing. Your whole vibe just makes me happy, you’re unapologetically you and I truly admire that about you. You have such a beautiful heart and it’s one of your best qualities<3 I remember when you were just shark anon, it was so fun <3 and you were SO surprised I found out who you were— even though you were the only person that liked my posts heh. I love you dearly my friend <3

@kuro-min Michelle ma belle <33 I miss our long conversations!! It was truly one of my favorite things <3 I love how we can just ‘click!’. You have such a beautiful caring heart and I just want to combust when I talk with you. Really it’s like a burst of serotonin. I remember you sliding into my DMS and asking about our favorite Sanrio characters, now ever since then I’ll see Kuromi and go ‘Oh yeah, Chelle likes her!’. One of my first wives as well 🥹 I think you were my 2nd tbh? Anywho best day of my life 🥹 I miss our freaky sessions /lh *sighs in remembrance* I love how you just get it, like I don’t need to explain you just get it yk? You are very easy to talk to, like never once has there been a moment where I want to take a break with speaking with ya. I love and miss ya dearly <3 I hope time is on our side more often!!

@jujutsustraycats ISHY-ISHHHHHHH!!! I would fuck up my sleep schedule for you time and time again my friend 🥹 My first husband, *tears falls down* I love talking with you— YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. Like YOU GET IT?!? Like pls why don’t you live here we need to talk irl and write songs and poems and have karaoke night!! You are so funny istg and just so fun to listen and speak with, always feel smart talking to ya! Also in my mind you trademarked the word ‘fuck’— I CANNOT SAY/READ IT WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT YOU😭 HEAVAN knows id move time and space to meet you irl and giggle about Karasu :) I love you sm and miss talking /VCing!!! I’m so glad we’ve been able to do it recently!

@luvingshidou MY IZZY GIRL <33 I miss you soooo much ugh we need to have a freak off again 😔 I know we haven’t spoken much recently but I think about cha a lot <3 You are so funny and sweet, really is so fun speaking with you. I miss you sm and love you sm <3 I’m so proud of you for getting on top of school and everything bc girl I could never 😭 that’s an amazing skill I’m jelly

@biggestcharleskinnie RAAAAA MY CHARLES TO MY SHIDOU!!!! THE PEACH TO MY PLUM!! The freaks match I fear. You’re so fun to interact with and the peaches arc is so fun istg— traumatic— but fun! Your so cutesy and sweet and a great friend<3 Love ya!!!

@thebestsetter ALICIA MY LOVELY <33 sigh I wish we could chat more often *sob* You are SO SWEET. I literally love interacting with you like bae you don’t even know. You are so talented and I admire you truly <3 We should talk more often!!! :) I love you sm girlieeeee <3

Oh man the list is so long 😭 I’m sorry I can’t include everyone rn (I’m exhausted and need to sleep lmao) but I love all of you dearly !! Like fr all of my friends on here are so special to me <33 I love you guys

[embryonikz]

re your last post: i think it's actually a very beautiful and important thing to wonder about how we can make the world better... like yes it is naive in some ways but without this idealized vision of the world what is there to strive towards? its very human to think like this and i certainly do it too. i hope i live long enough to see some of these changes take place lol... school should be reformed for sure, some teachers are like completely devoid of empathy, its very scary.

and yeah of course we can only construct this perfect world in our minds, but we can try building it around ourselves in a miniature way. like forming connections with ppl, investing time in our mental & physical health and basically trying to carve out a special place for ourselves in a world thats not always perfect ^_^. it is a long journey but i honestly think that this is what life is for.

btw i hope you feel better physically now and the meds don't bother you too much. you have been posting some insightful things lately so i hope your mental is better 2... mwuah - original judemek anon

UWAHHH thank u so much your so sweet wtfff WABBHWA

yea ive been feeling better. not perfect but better. im not feeling as in pain as i was in before i got that sorted out so im happy about that.

im getting help with some sort of organization? idk what it really is but my therapist and dad are helping me with it and its for i have someone come check on me and help me with stuff.... and hopefully it can be a replacement for what i lack. i dont have any family i can rely on once my dad passes away and i think as a autistic mentally unwell person i might not survive alone. so i really hope that they can be people who stay in my life long term and make sure i can survive.

i think its good to have some hope. i forget if there is a saying for it, but its why its important to see the perspectives of the new generations. the younger generations usually are more hopeful and willing to try new things, while older generations can tend to be more bleak and hopeless.

its kind of like.... it might be very difficult to get to a future that we want, but that doesnt mean it isnt worth trying. hope is what keeps us motivated, its what gives trying at all some value.

i know i cant really do much but i try my best to help on small scale. like provide resources for jobs or housing for my friends who might not know about it. i try to do my own research on mental health as well like reading through articles and watching healthygamergg. umm and of course always voting. i mean even if shit is rigged or fucked up id rather vote than not.

i think there are these things you can go to as well i forget what they are called but its like.. town meetings? or whatever and people go there to talk about certain things they want to allow or change etc. you get a chance to state your opinion on a microphone like everyone i believe. i never been to one but i know my dad has.

sometimes i beat myself up cuz im not very smart and im certainly not smart enough to be a lawyer (let alone wanting to be one). but my friends let me know ive made signifigant positive change in their life as their friend and it means alot. small scale change means alot too. i think it is worth doing.

so even if you cant change the world you can change your friends lives, or help your town a little bit, or even give something positive and kind to your neighbors like food or mail letting them know you enjoy something about them.

even in a content slop ridden enviornment like the internet there are still spaces of sincerity. there are still people who share their intimate hard work to the world, and sometimes that stuff can mean the world to people. like fanart, fanfic, animation, etc. hell i know that ive put off suicide attempts just to keep up with manga or anime shows. so i do think it has purpose.

it goes to show that it really is worth it to make what is important to you. that artwork that you always dream about making, or the fanfiction you fantasize over and over. if it matters to you, it might mean the absolute world to someone else too.

ANYWAY YEA i talked alot but i appreciate you too!!!!! thank you for caring about me. i am feeling a bit better. i want to be better for others too!!! you take care of yourself as well, walk outside and eat well. much love to you <3

[onmymasa22]

Anyone else about to leave to go food shopping, and take off ur scarf... cuz the idea of being overwhelmed by rami levy, plus having fabric around my neck is just too much

So much adulting today- made a food shopping list according to the store layout to get the minimum amount of overwhelmed

On one hand, i wish there was a rule that babies are not allowed on buses trains and planes. On the other hand, i get that mommys need to go places just like i do. So on the thurd hand what i wish, was for buses trains and planes to have these magic powers that babies don't cry, theyre just peaceful and happy on planes trains and bises. That way, everyones happy

If i was a parent my rules would be no tattoos and no face piercings. Do up the ears, shave half ur head, colors, i dont care.

When i was in highschool i would babysit at least once a week for a family with six kids. I remember like being decently loose. Like they liked seeing me and i understood that theyd go to sleep when they got tired but i cant make them do anything. So id just go up and whoever

Thats so interesting. Dont tell a child theyre smart, praise them for hard work. Cuz in lie wjen they come to something hard theyll think u lied to them versus if u praise them for hard wirk theyll work harder. See, i was never praised for being smart because academically i wasnt smart in the way school tested me. My parents only cared about me working hard. So it instilled in me the idea of working hard. That i learned to just wirk harder to accommodate what was hard for me.

On the other side, the compliment id get as a kid was that i was pretty. So all of a sudden as a teen, when my teeth were too big for my face and i didnt know what to do with my hair, and later acne, i hated the way i looked abd it was really hard for me, i took it really personally.

Im sorry i didnt show up to a speech that couldve been an email. My body decided not to listen to the advil i took. And it has decided to explode blood today. Id appreciate it if, as a female, ud act like you understand. But alas, for some reason unbenounced to me,

Can someone explain to me how as females, u have this whole schedule and all these things u want to do, and then suddenly ur body decides- no we're gonna exist on advil and tea and u can just cancel anything non essential cuz lord knows ur not doing anything u dont absolutely need to. And then the female heads of ur department ask you why you didnt go to a lecture and they should understand and my answer to them is just, the advil didnt work, talk to my bidy.

I am a female. That means theres gonna be around three days of the month im living off of advil and tea, and only doing what's absolutely necessary. Im not a boy. I shouldnt be expected to be fine every day of the month, im not. Im human. But running the show here is that on top of the whole human thing of mental health not always being perfect, not every day is a good day

On top of all the human stuff is the fact that im female and i have hormones and im emotional like a girl, and i have blood gushing out of my vagina like a girl, my sheets sometimes get stained like a girl and

I kind of was fucked out of a lot of friends lives.

Ive always been a black or white person. Im very nice but not always nice. And im not nice to everyone. Ive always been the fuck u friend in the group wjen someone gets out of line. I'm the friend everyone needs to calm down. Im the friend who will always be down to egg someones house, car, face. I'm the friend that tells the guy "u break her heart, ill break ur face". I dont believe every text deserves a response. I don't think when ppl call me it means i need to answer. I will block people. I will cut people and not feel bad at all. I wont say sorry if im not. I can be brutally honest sometimes. I dont argue with people. Especially those who are more ugly than me inside and out. I have lost friends from being honest. And im ok with that. Because i was never mean, but they dont deserve me. And thats ok. And ive worked on myself. Snd i keep working on myself. It used to be hard for me. And it comes in waves. But i have enough great people in my life that i dont need people who dont appreciate having me around. I would rather be

I have a theory of why food is such a deficult thing with adhd. So much energy goes into showing daily, making sure i keep up woth laundry, paying all the bills that need to be paid, listening to ppl. Oh my gosh. Listening to people takes up so much energy i discovered which connects to

Auditory processing disorder affects

[spiralsta1rcase]

Sad and Long Post .. Lolllll........ Venty....

i really hate being trans though because if i get "misgebdeeed"(or, correctly gendered lol) i immediately start to feel guilty and like i don't deserve it. especially if it's in front of my parents. my mom always talks about transgender people like they're freaks and so im scared she'll see me as a freak. im so scared for the future because i love my parents so much they're mt best friends but if i tell them anything im afraid ill lose that forever even if i know they'll love me no matter what.

also i won't ever be able to change my name because im so accustomed to being called my name, and its such a feminine name too, and its such a common name. and every male portuguese name sucks shit ass balls. one time i tried to go by mateus and i had this google extension and my brother found out about it and he told me Yeah you're too young for that stuff and also mateus is a fuckign terrible name bro if you do transition just keep your name. i want to do that but it'll definitely be weird.

also i. i don't know. my real life friends call me by he/him but for some reason it just feels so weird. i love being he/himmed online but i feel just so sick and degenerate being called by those words in real life. it's so weird but i also dont want to be confusing to others so i let it slide. i feel like if im accepted for who i am as a man i don't deserve it, i feel sick, i feel like a horrible person and a liar. maybe it's something called internalised transphobia but i don't know what that even means. i feel so uncomfortable dressing in women's clothing and having long hair and looking too girly but if i get called a guy in front of my parents i feel ashamed. maybe it's because i don't want my parents to hate me. and also a lot of the people in my school are transphobic, and a lot of the people who i .. euuugh Like. are straight guys. so i'll make myself into a girl for them to like me too.(but that will never work because i'm fat and i've got a little bit of a moustache and i have a generally just masculine face)

i just really want to escape and live as someone else. i don't want to have an eating disorder but i just want to be skinny because i think that's the source of my problems. im awkward and i keep to myself and im shy and nobody i like ever likes me Because Im Fat. maybe if i were born in a future time it'd be different, but i can't change that, i thinkfat people will be hated forever. and i'll be fat forever. i want to starve myself and i want to get skinny i wish i could weigh 20 kilos. but i can't because my parents will worry. and it's bad for me. i hate exercise and im a picky eater i think the only thing i can do is take that injection that gets rid of your hunger or whatever. my mom had it and she said it worked until she forgot to take it once. i probably shouldn't though. i'm not obese im just a few kilos overweight, im at about 67-69 kilos. i should probably walk around while typing this so i can get some steps in

but . gah it's a horrible time for me right now. i don't know. i think it's because- i haven't weighed myself in a while but im probably at like 100kg now. hey, let's get some optimism here. i just weighed myself, and im at 69! my parents always said im a very positive person so let's just think positive. i don't want to seem like i hate myself so horribly because i really don't, i just hate my outer self, is all. i love who i am and i love my family and i love my skills and im a talented and smart person im just fat. being fat isn't a bad thing, its just a bad thing for me right now, because stupid assholes won't like me for it - but do i want them to like me anyway? if i did get skinny and they acted nice to me again, id probably hate them even more for it. i don't even think im the ugliest person in the world. there are times i look in the mirror and i think i look quite nice actually. my one big problem, i think, is vanity, even though i try to hide it. and i worry so much about how others see me. one time i didn't go to school cuz my hair was a bit oily. vanity is nice but it's horrible to have so much of it. then i can't do anything. i get too worried about how i look and how that guy sitting across of me thinks of me. does it match up with who i am? oh god, what if they think i'm x or y, when i'm actually x-2*a^2/58385892+bc+y(z-7)?!??!?! im gonna cry! this has cheered me up a bit. i think its cuz i weighed myself, lol. i've also noticed, side note, i get a lot more carefree when someone's not around.. when that person is around i get all worried and sad that i gained 0.5kg. i'm not saying who someone is because, even though it's a one in a trillion chance, someone might find this and someone might kill me for it. well goodbye. have a good day. i'm going to walk around some more though o want to type some more cuz it keeps my mind off things. i wonder if i should even post this.. nobody's gonna read it anyway, though, so whoooo cares. who knows, if anyone does read it, maybe they'll say, hey, i've got the same thing as you. and they'll tell me what it is! but that's just a thought.. no one's reading this, honestly. hey you know i just watched a full movie on tiktok for the first time - the guy actually posted all the parts! it's crazy! and the movies really.. it's a bit.. meh but it's quite well made, had me shaking up a storm on my sofa and biting my nails. it was called The Call i think. ok goodbye

[midnighteloquence]

um

i actually dont know where im going to with this rant im just gonna type my emotions til im bored (tw: small mention of sh, suicide, mentions of drugs, depression i think??, relationship talk at some point)

recently ive been more tired and more burned out and sad. i dont know why, maybe its my lack of sleep, maybe uts other factors, but ive just been really depressed. not to the point of cutting again, to the point where im just apathetic towards everything. also C at some point texted me checking up on me and telling me to sleep to “remove the sad”. i got confused and asked why, and they said they were scared of me killing myself. am i really that obvious?? they talked about how tired i looked, how sad i looked, the scars on my arms. they talk alot about how i wont open up or talk about what im going through. no matter how many times you critique me for not opening up im still not gonna fucking do it, sorry to break it to ya. why? because im fucking scared. im scared because what if you laugh? what if you dont even care? what if you say some shit like “real” or “me fr” like you always do? i dont want to open up to you or anyone because of those factors.

recently ive been feeling more and more suicidal. ive been rummaging through the pill cabinets in my house, ive been keeping blades in my school bag and around my room, ive searched up ways to kill myself. ive been more and more tempted to write a note, to save just in case i actually do it. i think the only things holding me back is the fear of after death and my family’s reaction. i dont want my mum to cry because i was stupid enough to kill myself. i dont want to leave my brother alone. i dont want them to have to clean out my room. im scared of something that isnt finite, which is why im so scared of death. if there is an afterlife, you have to stay there infinitely. if there isnt, its pitch black infintely. infinite scares me, commitment scares me. its why im not dead

most days i feel like sleeping or bedrotting til morning. other days i feel like trying to find meds in my house that can give me some sense of euphoria. i want to feel a sense of floating. but none of the things in my house provide that feeling.

i dont feel anything from caffeine. its not even that ive grown a tolerance to it, its just that ive had a high tolerance from the start. maybe its because of my dad, since he drinks alot of coffee. i cant feel energised from anything, it sucks. why cant i feel anything over than sheer exhaustion?

and im not even sure if i want all of it to end, because who am i if not ill? if im not ill i have nothing to prove to people, i wont be able to talk about my problems anymore because id be fine.

i feel like all of my friends are going to leave me. its just a huge, lingering feeling thats been there for years. my friends would be better off without me, im not a good person anyways. im not enough, im not pretty enough or smart enough or talented enough or funny enough, my personality is a bore, i dont talk about anything thats remotely interesting, im overall not good enough. they all know that, i know they all know that. they probably have a groupchat without me, to talk about what i said, and talk about leaving me. So why dont you? leave me, ill kill myself and make you regret leaving me while im suffering (this is over exaggerated sorry)

i like this guy but tbh i dont know what itd be like to date him yk? like i would love to date him, but imagining a romance is sort of, impossible i guess? plus idek if he likes me back or if hes just messing with me, and idk how to ask.

also C kept on talking about how id like to make out with him, which ew. not every person with romantic attraction wants to make out with people. some people want emotional intimacy, devotion, the ups and downs of relationships. sure, physical affection is a thing you can experience in a relationship, but its not the only thing. jesus, all relationships have been dumbed down to is sex and kissing and im sick of it. why cant i have a partner to have every aspect of a relationship? to explore our likes and dislikes, to talk about things we havent shared before, to be emotionally committed, to give and receive, to show sympathy, to love a person.

sorry ik i went from suicide to relationships but at this point im just ranting about things on my mind

ive just grown tired of everything, im so apathetic. every day is blurring together, everything goes by so quickly. im turning 14 this year, I thought i was still 10, playing roblox endlessly with my friends while the world spirals into chaos. but no, im a teenager who spends all her goddamn time on her phone talking about how much she wants to kill herself. im scared of growing up to quick, of growing up at all. what if im an even worse person in the future? what if i dont get accepted to that one uni? what if everyone’s disappointed in me? i dont want to grow up this fast. i remember 4 years ago talking to my dad about how much i wanted an account on youtube, and him saying that i had to be 13. i said that it’d take forever, and he said that time would fly really fast. he was right, i picked my gcse options a couple weeks ago, this academic year has flown by so fast. i dont like it

i fear that im not the person my parents want me to be. i listen to music 24/7, my grades arent as good as they could be, im moody and spend my time in my room. i barely take part in my hobbies anymore, im just a mess. im so disappointing.

i ran out of topics so ill end it there, good night everyone (one person)

[oh-my-damn]

so ive realized today or at least came to terms with the fact that i think im in love with you? Like i dont think its just a silly crush that will go away but actual fucking feelings that makes your heart all bouncy and shit but alas youre not into girls and youre wayyyyyyyyyyyyy outta my league what with how smart funny sexy sweet and kind you are but i just thought id let you know so it dont eat me alive

Oh my god hon 🥺 wait are you sure? Because I swear i really am such a loser dork in real life 😭 im truly nothing special, all i do is basically go to school/work, okay video games and watch movies/read books, i am the most boring person on earth lmao

What makes you think youre in love with me? 🥺

[strawberryspeachy]

I was scrolling through my pictures and found a guide for things to study to prepare one of my students for moving to america

Its pretty detailed and makes me wonder if im getting stupider as time goes on because i forgot about several things that i came up with without even researching 2 years ago

While looking at it i remembered

The boy asked me actually. He asked me about school in the states and he was worried about some of the classes. I tried to put his mind at ease for the transition and assure him that he’ll have help for most things.

He was half white and his dad was american. His dad was a writer actually and he told me about his books during a speaking test. So he spoke english fluently. Actually that was something he was worried about. He said his dad told him he has an accent - he really didnt.

But on that I started to ask him about things we do in English class back home. He had no idea about even the basics. Not surprising. They dont do things that involve critical thought in japanese schools.

I started briefly explaining some things to him and told him id make him a guide

Then. We were cut off

The teacher came and told me he needed to go eat lunch.

Later she came and apologized to me because he told her that he asked me for advise and that he was nervous realizing that he wasnt prepared for American English classes.

She thought i just went to talk to a kid. Stopped him from going to lunch. And was stressing him out.

Not because i do that but because thats how japanese teachers see foreigners here. Being weird idiots that bother ppl

And the thing is id forgotten about that till just now.

I HATED that feeling as an ALT. Im s weird person - but not a fucking weirdo who harasses children to talk me. I hated when the teachers tried to make me do that. And i hated when they assumed thats what happened whenever a student came to talk to me.

Theyd always look worried and annoyed when students were talking to me and theyd shoo them away. And i couldnt say its ok or anything. I couldnt say or do anything. Just smile and encourage the kid that the jaapnese teacher had a good reason for telling them to not talk to me

The thing is. I liked the teacher i just mentioned. She was one of the nicest ones i worked with as an ALT. I forgot about all the shitty times with her. She got nicer to me after my mom died. All the teachers did. I noticed and i know. But somewhat also forget.

It took a horrible thing for them to see me as a human. And to just look at what i do as another person and not a strange alien they must protect the children from.

I came to japan for a paid vacation. I wanted to explore and enjoy traveling going to concerts meeting ppl and just having a good time.

Id planned to go home and take care of my mom. I thought i could write stories while i was here and look for a job back home.

Then corona hit and ruined everything. I never even got to see my mom again

Never got to feel stability

Now the money ive saved up is worth half the value back home

I have nothing to fucking show for my time here

I cant afford to go back to america

My moms not there

I dont even have a house to return to

Im so much worse off now than when i left if i go back

But i also cant deal with that degrading treatment again. Even as a legit teacher in a school working through a company middleman im treated as less than.

As an ALT i was treated like a fucking idiot mascot play toy. Like equipment. Not a person.

And as a native teacher - last year - god do you know how fucking annoying it is to have ppl who can’t speak your native language tell you whats correct?!? To be told to keep students in line, motivate them, teach them, and entertain them all while having someone undermine you at every turn. Them complain the students dont respect you. I mean that was only with 5 kids in 432 students. And thats the other fucking problem. Last year my schools students were wonderful. They were friendly smart motived and kind. Except 2 bitchy girls and one boy - the girls turned like 3 more kids in their class against me. But the rest of my students liked me. And because the PE turned English teacher didnt like english he bitched about me and used those few kids against me. I have more than 420 actively improving their assignments and having full english conversations with me. I have the two loud classes all the teachers hate because they refuse to do their work - coming to me and asking if they did my assignments correctly and asking when they need help - but because a handful of kids dont like me - that teacher turns me into a bad guy and gets me the boot.

And thats the shit to expect with even the better job i have.

The school im not rn has a native teacher who uses his charisma to make life better for the native teachers at the school. This is the best im gonna get

I cant find another job. Im trying but too many ppl want to come to japan rn

I really cant afford to go back home

And im entirely out of the patience to be treated like a fucking slave. Literally at this point. Between the shit wages that keep going down and high costs. I cant afford the shit job that wants me to act like the japanese assholes dog. Treating me however they want and i have to just smile back

I want my mom. I want to go back to when i had my pets and my house and lived near my friends.

I keep saying it but its true. Im living the future that i used to have in my nightmares and wake up screaming from. I want to wake up again back before 2011

[vaguely-yandere]

reading your (amazing) writings got me thinking about like, a fuckboy/playboy(? im sorry idk the gn word for this? slut maybe lmao?) yandere who’s rich, doesn’t even need to study, always gets to any party where they can get some action. they never had a romantic relationship before bc they thought it was just stupid and unnecessary foreplay. basically everyone is either horny for them or hate them.

so imagine their surprise when they see their (future) darling staring at them while they were talking to their friends. yan thinks they’re cute enough and talks to them, starts flirting their darling up and when they ask what darling finds attractive about them they start listing things like “your smile, its really pretty” or “you’re so smart, and you’re fun to be around” instead of something about how their body looks sexy or some shit they always get instead.

this leads to confusion, because someone never acted like this for yan before. how were they supposed to react? that moment was when their heart truly skipped a beat because of someones words, their darlings words felt so warm and genuine it made them shiver.

id also like to think theyd have a huuuuugeeee ego, also really possessive. but once they get close to their darling or just see them they turn into a golden retriever type, ready to do anything and everything, kill anyone and everyone for you.

sorry if its not comprehensive its 3 am, i dont have my glasses on and im just really excited after reading ur writings 🧍‍♂️

broski. i love this.

just an absolute player (i think???) of a yandere and uber rich (LOVE yanderes with money) and a massive slut

one night stands every night, always getting their ego stroked, always sexualizing themselves and others and then they meet... you <3 you compliment their smile, their laugh, the things they say, everything and it makes them completely fall for you and when you refuse to have sex with them because theyre obviously drunk and well, you're an ethical person, that just makes them want you more.

finding you is easy, throw enough money at a problem and itll solve itself. and being a rich socialite is hard and they completely lack in the 'social' part so they just.. show up. work, school, where ever and follow you around, questioning you and if anyone makes you do something, the brattiness comes out.

"y/n! you were suppose to finish this ages ago! would you please stop talking to your friend and get to work on this? c'mon! we can't keep letting you slack off!"

"ah, sorr-"

"no, no, who is this? who are you? you know what, i dont care, you are no longer important to me, leave." they make a shooing motion, turning back to you with a smile. "you wanna go shopping? have lunch? travel? anything you want, its on m-"

"hey! you cant just ignore me! im gonna have to ask you to le-"

the yandere turns around, standing at their full height to properly glare at your boss/teacher. "cut me off again and i will cut out your tongue." they snap their fingers, summoning the person thats always following them around. "escort whoever the fuck this is out, im talking to someone and theyre being a bitch."

as the curses and yells of your boss/teacher rapidly fade, the yandere turns back to you, grinning. "so! did you decide yet?"

ohhh, i hope you love getting spoiled because this socialite will do it constantly. food, jewelry, perfume, clothes, companies, electronics, anything you want? its yours as long as you keep giggling when they say stupid shit.

and just imagine how cute they look when they see you! beaming, glowing with love, desperately trying to impress you all of the time, just so so cute! and if you praise them, i can already see them struggling to hide their moans of pleasure and spend the rest of the day on cloud nine

if you work, theyll get you fired so you can spend all your time with them. if you go to school, theyll get enrolled to or enroll you in online classes and you will rarely spend a moment without them at your side, willing to do absolutely anything for you.

now, i dont think this yandere would be possessive like others! they demand others to praise you, to compliment you, acknowledge you constantly and appreciate your beauty but one wrong comment and theyre tied up in a guest house, being hunted like a drugged up tiger. they post pictures of you near constantly, showing off how amazing you are, forcing everyone to basically bow to your feet and yeah, they get a bit culty with it sometimes but hey! it could be worse!