#i really don't want to get my cancer MRI tomorrow

[not-poignant]

it's the tenth and i've only written two chapters, i'm in trouble with the burnout again folks x.x

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

Anyway back on my bullshit.

aseriesofunfortunatejan followers may be aware that my general practitioner just disappeared off the Earth right when he was supposed to give me a prescription to Check Whether I Have Cancer Yet.

I immediately looked for a GP near where I live, but all of them have really bad ratings. Being that I have medical trauma, I had a hard time justifying the risk. I slept on it for a while. Unfortunately, time will pass whether I want it or not, and I'm going to need a doctor. Getting that prescription is fairly urgent to I had to stop wasting time and I looked up available timeslots - and somehow I found a doctor I hadn't found before, who's not that far away and who has good ratings. Phew.

(The first article that shows up when I look him up is that he had to close his office a few years ago because someone tried to kill him. But it's not like it was him who tried to kill someone! Should be fine.)

All of this to say - I secured the appointment. I could have gotten one for later today if I'd wanted to, but tomorrow seemed better. Hoping it goes fine. At least I should get the prescription, if nothing else.

I opened a new tab to check what time I'll have to take the bus. And that's when I noticed a Change.

I've been feeling pretty good today, I'm feeling better after a couple days of feeling awful, and I was in an especially good mood since I've been able to yap about BanG Dream! all morning long. But the instant I took the appointment I started to dissociate, struggle to focus on a task. I feel light headed and my body is tense. My back hurts. My heart feels like it's at the back of my throat.

I know this isn't very interesting unless you're me, and I have no concrete explanation for it. But it's pretty jarring how quick the switch was and how miserable it makes me feel. I didn't think anything in particular, I didn't have thoughts that appealed to my anxiety, I took the appointment without worrying about it, but something informed my brain to fill me with dread. It's a bit much, tbh.

I basically had a few months-long break from all the medical stuff. Suddenly feeling this again, I'm reminded how why and how I felt constantly miserable when I was in the middle of it all. Now that I think about it, I feel so unhappy knowing I have to go to another MRI, and there's no way I won't feel as horrible as I did back then, because it didn't really leave, and it doesn't seem to be dependant on factors that don't exist now.

[yourcoolfriendwithallthecandy]

You are so wonderful! I hope life is treating you well 🩵

Thank you!

I wish I could say Life is treating me well. It's not.

Let's see, just in the last week, the brake lines on my van broke, in traffic, nearly crashed. We're threating to hit 21 deaths in the last 27 months. And we found a bone tumor on my daughter's leg that's as big as my fist. So we get to have an MRI on Friday. Right now they're calling an A-typical Osteochondroma- (bone and cartilidge tumor). And because it's A-typical- meaning- not normal- the chances of it being cancerous quintrupled.

My husband is taking this especially hard and has had- I wouldn't call it a nervous breakdown, but definitely an emotional one, that he is just- inconsolable, and grieving and sobbing as if she has already lost her battle with cancer and we're burying her tomorrow. And he just wants to hug her and hold her- all the time. And they're usually really playfull with each other- and use A LOT of sarcasm with each other. (Something I would have gotten my mouth slapped off if I tried with my parents). And to my daughter, that's seen as weird. And my daughter is in denial, and doesn't want to be pitied or treated any differently. Which, I understand. I got Crohn's at 15 that nearly killed me. And I didn't like how- all anyone saw me as after that, was the disease more than me.

So, at my daughter's request, she doesn't want to be treated any different or me acting (wierd- aka, freaked out that she might have cancer). And wants me to treat her like normal and that it's no big deal, which for her- I will. Because if I'm calm, she can be calm. And there is a scripture that says "Your strength will be in keeping calm." And so that's what I'm trying to do. I'm doing my absolute level best to lowkey clean the house to make sure- should Hayden need or want mass visitation- I will not be embarrassed. I feel like I'm holding myself together with shoe strings and bubble gum. But I am apparently the only one capable of keeping it together.

So, yet again, I'm gonna cling to Kinktober this year to get me through it. Lol. Because writing is still distress tolerance for me. So. I don't know if I'll be able to do all the prompts again. Although, it's not like I have a thousand other WIPS I'm working on. But hopefully I'll be able to wrap those up soon- to really get them off my plate before things get worse and that affects my writing. And I don't want to kill off characters as much as other people seem to die off all around me. At this point, my stories are literally those - Everyone lives AU's. Because it's the only place I have that that can be a thing. And give me, just a tiny, shred of hope and joy.

[maximumsunshine]

Good luck tomorrow!!!! I hope you find the answers you're looking for, and whatever the issue is is manageable and resolved quickly! I believe in you!!!

Tests were today. Made the post late night and stayed up all night so I'm not sure when tomorrow became today.

ANYWAY

The tests went well. MRI results in my portal nut in medical speak. No Nuclear Med test results yet. That was an interesting test. "Hey we're going to IV you this med that is the equivalent of two really fatty meals so you are SUPER going to want to puke. Here is a puke bag. Try not to puke though just because we know puking sucks. And no we can't let you take your zofran because that sort of defeats the purpose. Sorry. But once the drug is administered you pretty much lose the going to puke feeling. So we just gotta get through this little bit if meds. It's a small amount but we administer it slowly because if given it too fast you will for sure puke. Wait. You mean if i let you lay down on your left side (I had been sitting up) and arrange your arms just so, you can probably completely even avoid serious nausea?! Give me a minute, I'll go find a gurney." And thus I avoided puking. AND THEN she pulled another syringe of meds out of a lead tube, incases it in a smaller lead shield, and then injected THAT directly into my veins. Lol. So yeah, I'm radioactive right now. Not sure when my system will flush that bit. But I find it funny. I watched her remove the syringe from this massive lead case and put it in a smaller lead shield and I'm just like, "Oh. It's RADIOACTIVE radioactive. Lol"

Anyway, no nuke test results in yet. And I don't understand the MRI results. But my doctor will be able to figure out what's up soon enough and will explain it so I can understand.

I sort of feel like I'm going crazy. Like maybe nothing is wrong. After years of doctors invalidating me telling me I'm just fat, maybe I'm really just fat. But my blood work does validate that something is going in. And that something started when my gallbladder was removed. And we KNOW my gallbladder pissed my liver off because it made the surgery much harder. And then my liver spewed bile just loose into my abdominal cavity for a month and i got sepsis and hadvto have a drain installed. Like we have all this evidence that even I can understand that my liver is fucked up and it ties into my gallbladder not being yoinked fast enough. And we know it took as long as it did for my gallbladder issue to even BE FOUND because when I told my old doctor i was feeling pain and pointed to roughly where my gallbladder was, she tolde it was just me being fat. Those words. Cramps from being fat. Doctors also blamed 5 years of severe anemia that led to many a blood transfusion on "me not making my own blood" because I was fat. And THAT was cancer. So yeah.

When a doctor dismisses a symptom as you just being fat, get a new doctor before you get a new symptom.

Anyway, I have a better pcp now who takes me seriously and doesn't call me fat. I have a better hemotologist oncologist who takes my cancer history seriously and does regular checks and has never called me fat. He was the one that found my liver numbers in his routine blood tests he orders fir me and sounded the alarm which explained the nausea and fatigue and got me into a great GI doctor. Who omg he listened to me talk and talk. He took fucking detailed notes on every word i said. He let me give him my full GI history and all my current symptoms. First visit lasted an hour and I left there with more blood work ordered and these two major tests ordered. He took me so seriously he ordered major tests in the first visit. I'm loves him. I love them all.

I settled for shit doctors that almost let me die from cancer all while promising me i didn't have cancer (literally) all while refusing to run any tests.

I went from wearing this to my hemotologist oncologist and him finding it funny.

To no longer needing it. Because all my new doctors take me seriously and run tests.

I knew i was dying. I was told I had the best hemotologist oncologist in Columbus. So what was the point in finding a different one? Yeah. Well the assessment of his abilities came from his coworkers at Ohio Health. All of that bullshit was Ohio Health. When I showed up in the ER with a hemoglobin of 4 and had my cancer found and removed within 2 days, that wasn't an Ohio Health ER. I didn't just fire a doctor or two. I fired an entire medical system.

Anyway that was an unexpected rant. But I have complicated feeling about medical shit. Like trying to reconcile years of medical abuse that ended in serious trauma just over a year ago. With the overwhelming change in quality of care I'm getting now. It's a full 180. I'm trying to catch my breath. Which, i guess will be easier when this liver bullshit is figured out and corrected.

Then i can focus my efforts on being retested for asthma. Maybe get care for that. Figure out my headaches. Need an mri on my neck for the constant pinched nerves in my shoulders. So much to move on to when the liver is figured out. But there is great comfort in knowing without a doubt my pcp has my back.

/end rant

Oh. That shirt is a 3xl and in good shape if anyone needs it. Cover shipping and it's yours. But, I'm begging you that if you're thinking you could use this shirt, to please just fire your doctor(s) and hire new ones. It could literally save your life! Anyway, hit me up if you want the shirt. Open offer to everyone who is losing patience with their doctor.

[mycelier]

My name is Simone and I would like to tell you a tale!

I will not have access to my laptop for some days more and because writing on my phone is kind of painful (physically, because I am working on hand mobility now), this may end up in drafts and taking a while to post. I am going to share what has been happening the last 2 months because I feel like everything went from 0 to 100 in the span of a few weeks and its been really, really wild.

So!!! LETTUCE begin!

For roughly 5 years I've been struggling to get a diagnosis on an extremely painful area of my arm. There was literally nothing visible; no lump, discoloration or any other physical abnormality to indicate anything was wrong. I spent thousands on pretty much every kind of imaging you can do, and was told time and time again that there was nothing wrong and, perhaps, it was psychosomatic and I needed therapy or, more often than not, I was given a shrug and a vague "i dunno" response.

This year, something changed. I deal with chronic pain (my spine is congenitally fused in my neck and lower spine and I have baby bone spurs all over), and in the process of trying to work on that I brought up my arm again to a dr I no longer see. He'd told me my arm was SEVERAL things over the years I had been seeing him but this time said it was a fibromyalgia knot, something I had been told by a team of doctors some time before that. I said okay cool and was sent to a physical therapy rehab center where the dr worked with myofascial release and stretches to help with injuries. This amazing man fixed my plantar fasciitis and helped get my chronic headaches under control but NOTHING we did helped my arm pain. Within a month he was worried bc we had started to notice that there was a hardness to the spot that never changed with any exercise or massage.

Worried that there was a nerve being trapped or crushed (another diagnosis I'd gotten over the years), this amazing man sent me to a neurosurgeon who immediately frowned and said he didn't think my neck pain and my arm pain were connected. He ordered an MRI of my arm and despite it not being visible on an MRI 2 years before, he found something PHYSICALLY THERE where I said I had pain. He considered doing the surgery to remove it (despite being a neurosurgeon he was fascinated with this weird horribly painful spot) but eventually sent me a surgeon for an oncology center, assuring me it was because this new surgeon was one of the best in Texas for removing soft tissue tumors, not because there was any thought of cancer.

I met with the surgeon who gave me one more diagnosis of an AVM (arteriovenous malformation), snd said they were benign and not necessary to remove as well as the possibility that if removed it would likely return. Truly, at this point after 5 years of constant nauseating horric pain when someone brushed against me or if I gently brushed against ANYRHING, a pain so bad that it had basically made me stop using my right arm as much as possible (of course I'm right handed lol), I said GET THAT FUCKER OUT OF THERE MAN and my first surgery was scheduled.

Surgery one occurred Nov 5th and was an out patient event. I went home and passed out. At some point my mom said that while I'd been in recovery the dr said the thing in my arm hadn't looked like what he expected so he had sent it to pathology. I went back to work and was hanging out until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when I went in for a super immediate meeting with a different doctor who told me that what had been in my arm was a synovial sarcoma, aka, cancer! He, this incredibly kind man I did not know, gently discussed chemo and told me I needed to have a CT scan immediately. Based on the CT, i was either in stage one or stage four if it has spread to lungs. The day before Thanksgiving I received the news that it was stage one, it had not spread, and i was so fucking happy.

Then it was time talk about next steps. My surgeon marked out a circle on my arm to indicate how much he was gonna remove in order to guarantee clear margins..but it was not enough of a meeting for me to grasp the surgery I was about to receive.

The day of my second surgery, dec 8th, came quickly and i met with the plastic surgeon, the kindest, most patient man. He moved my arm around and explained how he was going to hijack a vein from my forearm in order to keep the blood flow health to the flap he was gonna take from the donor site: My inner thigh.

It has been 11 days and I am living in an inpatient rehab facility, working on dealing with the nerve damage/pain, the EXTREME pain of my donor site, and the lost mobility that I am working on getting back, both in my leg and my hand. The majorities of my arm is numb...except where the nerve pain burns my wrist and forearm and makes it painful to wear my arm sling (I can't fully extend my arm, nor can I lift, push, pull or use my arm in any way that would stress out my new arm flap). Also may have a brand new urinary tract infection but as I write this I'm chugging water for a urine sample to hopefully get that treated. Below are some pictures I have taken/had taken of my arm! Im not ready to look at my leg outside of the bandages (which, since having the wound vac removed today, hell yeah, will need daily dressing changes).

EDIT: I tried posting pictures of my arm last night and my post disappeared immediately so I will try to make a new post with these photos in case the whole post was erased because of them. I will tag them as post surgery photos. I do not consider them gory or excessive but hey that's just me.

I intend to post more things as I keep healing and as I gain more mobility. I was given "independence" in my room yesterday which means I can officially get up without any assistance needed (using my badass new cane to help me lift my foot in and out of bed)!!!! Which also means I can get up whenever I want without the bed alarm going off. I have a badass cane that has been the best tool in helping me get around (and has inspired my mom and others to suggest and look into getting me a cane sword which makes me laugh REAL hard). See below me using the cane to move my foot in and out of bed!

Part of why I'm posting this is because I really needed to talk about it and while later posts may not be this long or expository but I wanted to have a base post to explain other ones related to this one!!!

I will update with some newer pics tomorrow night when my mom comes by to help me take newer pics. The arm flap looks super healthy (according to the drs), and when they changed my leg dressing they said its looking really good and healthy!

I......also really wanted to post my Amazon wishlist. Due to this stupid wild bad lottery ticket, I've been struggling to pay my bills and rent but!!! I have good insurance, thankfully (since I live in the US and my hospital stay and this rehab stay would have more than bankrupted me), and im hoping my disability checks will get here in time for rent!!! I'm putting up my wishlist bc I can't afford some of the "essentials" on there and, also, because I havent been able to have any kind of comfort during any of this. I never ask for anything for holidays because usually i...dont want to burden people with spending money on me since I know how hard money is, especially right now. And if I don't have enough for rent later I might have to create a go fund me...but right now everything looks good for rent and bills just...not for anything fun.

Thank you so much for your time!!! And happy holidays you wild bastards!!!

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/36PG6BAYD18U7?ref_=wl_share

[compo67]

Dreamy Chicago on a dreary day.

Still waiting for MRI results. I have to keep reminding myself that no news is often good news, and Monday was a holiday. I'm so nervous and my liver has been kinda swollen this week, with some slight stabby pains, but that could be anything.

My transplant case manager encouraged me to get a biopsy done before the end of the year so I can make use of my insurance. I'd rather not go through that at all, but it makes sense. I suppose it'll depend on the MRI and what they see. Liver biopsies often require going through the ribs, so... if we could avoid that, that'd be greeeeaaaaat.

I also just don't want to be on a short term disability leave this year. I used one day of FMLA intermittent time off this year (today, because this week has been garbage). I wanna keep it that way.

Anyway. I'm having issues w sleep and hopefully tonight I can get a solid 8 hours without nightmares or tremors. 🤞🏼

I somehow ended up volunteering for a cancer patient advisory board??? I showed up once last month and this month they're like welcome to the group!!! Uh. Okay. I can't really afford to do volunteer work (yay capitalism), but it only meets once a month. I just was kinda ridiculous today and went to OT at 830, then the cancer board at 10, then work at 12, where I crashed and burned after two calls.

At work there's been a bunch of changes and a majority of them are incredibly frustrating. I hate offering surveys. Have a dedicated team to do them like last year, goddammit. Make the option automated. Do something other than place the burden of a 15 minute survey on an already 15 minute call. FFS.

Also one of my calls got adored a 71%. What??? I usually get scores of 90 to 100. Wtf?! 🤦🏽‍♀️

I reviewed the call, contested the score, met with the QA person who scored it, debated, asked for another review... and she came back with no changes. What is the point of this process???? What??? It didn't help me learn anything, except that contesting is a gigantic waste of time, and all my hard work gets invalidated simply because I missed one component. Yay.

So today, after two long, emotionally exhausting calls, I noticed I was pushing myself to work when I didn't have to. I could choose to take care of myself. So I called off, called FMLA, emailed HR, shut everything down, then went for a walk because fuck that.

I'm just tired of new rules or procedures in place given without any useful explanation or relevance to our jobs. You can't demand that we do a thorough assessment, collect data, document, send out materials, AND provide authentic emotional support PLUS ask us to give a 15 minute survey AND work three different teams. Goddamn. I only work part time but the past month I feel like I'm still full time.

Blah. This became an epic rant about work. I'm sure I need to give up a project or a team, and sleep more, but it's been very frustrating. These are surefire ways of killing morale and they have no other response than it's your job. 😑 Then they wonder why turnover is so bad???

Anyway. I'm grateful for the job that allows me to have insurance and things. I'm just not a fan at this time. And wonder what it'd be like if we formed a union.

On that note. Bed time. I hope you're having a great week, less stressful and less frustrating. I'm going swimming tomorrow. 🙌🏽

[teejdunc]

The Quarter Life Crisis

Well I don't really know what I'm doing so bare with me. 

24 has been a HARD year. If you know me, you know that this year was by far the toughest year of my life. In fact, I actually think I cried more this year than I have all of the other years combined (go ahead and laugh). 

MARCH

CORONA VIRRRRRRUSSS...

I should actually start with the dreaded break up.. or let go, I should say. We had been broken up but had been on and off in private. I had been hanging on to something I knew was not only bad for me but was never going to work. I had poured my heart into someone who was never going to pour back into me. My heart had never experience so much pain. No matter what I did or where I went, there was a piece of us there. It was a passing pick up, a song on the radio or just the smell in the air. I was frozen in time and I wasn’t getting over it.. I couldn’t eat, I couldn't sleep, I had no interest in any of the things that used to bring me happiness. Most every night for close to 3 months I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t feel like Taylor anymore, I was a stranger living in my own body. 

We’ll call this part of 24,  “sad girl hours”.

Fast forward to summer...

JULY

In July, my dad was consistently having chest pain. We found out he had severe blockage and would need to have surgery. After hours at the doctor’s they sent him home with nitro incase he had a heart-attack before scheduled surgery. I had been out with my friends that night but I was in bed early and I just remember hearing my moms footsteps running down the hallway, I already knew. 

I remember frantically asking what I needed to do and just feeling my whole head rush, like everything around me was spinning and I was helpless. We got dad to the car and mom rushed him to the ER. I called two of my closest friends and they met me at the ER. When I pulled up they were already sitting there waiting. I got into the pick up and I lost all composure I was balling like a baby. It didn't take them long to wrap me up and tell me that they were here for me and that things were going to be okay.

Due to COVID, we were not allowed to enter the hospital so we went home. (the story might be altered a little here... if you know the whole night’s story please keep it to yourself).

I think it was around 4:30 when I finally made it back to my parents house and I was so exhausted but I couldn’t sleep. I sat in the living room wide awake, absolutely terrified for what tomorrow was going to bring.

Dad entered into surgery and had some complications and had to be in ICU for close to a month.  I remember getting a call from mom and I was in sheer panic. I just kept thinking “HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING TO ME? Why did it have to be MY dad?” I was so angry and hurt inside. I drove to the First Baptist parking lot and I sat there and I prayed and I told God that if he could heal my dad I wouldn’t ever ask for anything again. I remember just feeling so lost and helpless.

I was trying to do the best I could to stay strong for mom. I did what I could at the house and tried to convince myself it was enough.

In all of the chaos my mom stood strong and never waivered, just like an oak tree. They don’t tell you that seeing your parents hurt, hurts you more than physically being hurt. I wouldn’t wish this kind of hurt on my worst enemy.

After a LONG road and what has felt like a million days.. dad is doing so much better. PRAISE THE LORD!!

I realized in all of this that I was never alone. I didn't make it through this by myself. I had my friends surrounding me and supporting me in the ways they knew how. For some it was a text, a phone call, or showing up just to drive around so that I wasn’t alone.

If you were one of these people, you know who you are...  

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. 

AUGUST

My grandpa had a heart attack.

SEPTEMBER

I started a new job teaching kindergarten at a new school with a new team.

Kinder is CRaZY!!

God sure knew what he was doing when he placed me at HP. I needed the spark for teaching to be re-lit within me. My team is wonderful and I feel like I finally found “my place”.

OCTOBER

One of my friends took his own life.

In October, I had a conversation with my old ag teacher who had called to let me know he had cancer. He told me he was so proud of me and we laughed about the things some of my friends and I did in class. I sat there and talked on the phone with him and couldn't help but drown in the thoughts that this man who had made HUGE impacts in not only my life but THOUSANDS of others, was sick. 

I just kept asking myself “Why is everyone I love hurting? Why is God doing this to me?”

THE BIG “D” and the semi colon...

I got a tattoo on my wrist (sorry mom) as a daily reminder.

The tattoo reads “ ; hold on”

I would have never wanted something so “socially embarrassing” on my body a year ago.

It’s not embarrassing anymore... depression is a REAL thing and suicide is REAL.

I laid in the floor several nights during the summer and wondered if things were ever going to feel “normal” again.

Don’t worry... nothing last forever. Not even your sadness!

But I needed a visable reminder, on my body, where I could remind myself every. single. day.

The semi colon symbolizes the place where the author had the chance to stop, but merely paused. This is used as the symbol for suicide and depression awareness. The words hold on have many meanings for me.

Hold onto faith

Hold onto love

Hold onto the people who get you through

Hold onto self worth

Hold on... because better days are coming!

NOVEMBER

In November, my ag teacher passed away. I took off work to make the funeral but I got sick and I had to stay in Amarillo. I had taken two days off, but decided to go back since I was feeling better. I was on lunch break when I got on my phone to look at Facebook when I saw that one of my friends had been in a car accident and had passed away. 

WHY WERE BAD THINGS HAPPENING TO GOOD PEOPLE? 

I couldn’t make rash of anything in my life and I was, without a doubt angry at God.

I hit a LOW point in my life. 

No amount of “I’m fine” was going to cover this up.

I really was lost as to how to get back to myself...

I went home for Thanksgiving break and well that was a disaster, I’ll leave it at that. 

DECEMBER

I returned to work for the final weeks before Christmas break. I spent most of the days corralling Kindergarteners and wishing the days would pass faster.

Finally... CHRISTMAS BREAK.

I went home and found something I had been needing.

I got to hug my parents for the first time since JULY!  ( yeah yeah, I’m still a little kid at heart)

I was able to rekindle a friendship with someone who I had gone separate ways from. Little did I know this was going to be the BEST thing to happen to me. We spent several days hanging out, singing at the tops of our lungs, laughing and making up for lost time. It was like we never missed a beat, we picked right back up where we had left off.

I am not certain of a lot, but I do know that God doesn’t make mistakes. 

I needed this friendship and she did too.  

I also needed my “Picture to Burn” singing partner back in my life and that's just what I got!

PS, you know who you are. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! 

JANUARY

Still CORONA VIRUS...

January I saw the neurologist. The doctors thought I had narcolepsy and that it was what was causing my excessive sleepiness and seizures.

I had to go to the hospital and have an MRI and an EEG to see if they could figure out what was going on.

LET ME TELL YOU I AM TERRIFIED OF SMALL SPACES... that brain MRI was enough trauma for me for a lifetime! 

NOT MY CUP OF TEA, LOL.

FEBRUARY

I got my results back from the MRI and the EEG, everything was CLEAR. PRAISE JESUS!

I will still have to have a sleep study done but hey... a sleep disorder is way better than what we originally thought! 

THE END OF 24

I turn 25 in 12 days... not quite sure I’m ready to accept that my twenties are halfway over.

24 WAS A LEARNING YEAR, the good and the bad.

I have learned a lot about myself. I am strong. I am independent. I am capable. I am loved. I am important. I make a difference. EVEN on the days I don’t feel that way. 

I have friends and family who would move mountains for me. 

I have a GOD who is unstoppable and faithful to his promises.

I have weathered the storms I thought I couldn’t and came out stronger.

I have doubted God in many moments of my life but I am certain that his plan is FAR greater than I could ever imagine.

So while 24 may have bruised and battered me, it did not break me.

CHEERS TO 25 YEARS, my friends.

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Psalm 34:17-20

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

[scum-belina]

Glad to hear you're feeling better today and willing to get help, but please DO get help this time. Your whole "I'll wait for my dad to get more squared away first" in your last update concerns me. Don't wait for the perfect time to get help because in this situation there's not going to be a perfect time. This sounds harsh and I really don't mean for it to, I just care about you. you're a remarkable person who deserves to live a long happy life. You're worth helping!

You're not coming off as harsh at all and I thank you for your care! I totally understand your concern, bc I've said this shit for ages and never actually did get help, but this time I'm determined to. I know there won't ever be an ideal time for me to get help, and it's a guarantee a big chunk of my family will call me selfish for getting help, but I do not care anymore. I'm only getting worse in this environment, therefore I must get out of it to get better. Tomorrow my dad gets MRIs, and whenever we get the results of those then we'll know whether the cancer has returned or not, and depending on what the results are, they'll come up with a plan to get him treated every way he needs. I suspect either way he'll be sent to MD Anderson in Houston soon, but yeah I just want to know about what's going on with my dad before I get checked in somewhere is all. I'm set on getting professional help this time and I will get it!