#i really can't overstate how lucky i am to have such a supportive wife tho

[lasthumaninwales]

Okay so, some elaboration on the "being super excited to cosplay Käärijä despite being possibly a more natural fit for Bojan" thing...

I'm a trans guy, and I had top surgery this November just gone. It all went well, no complications, and it's healed nicely.

However, I am, on a skeletal level, a pretty small guy. I'm 5 foot 4, not particularly broad or muscular... and prior to my surgery I had fucking COMICALLY HUGE boobs. These things were H cups UK size, on a 32inch band. Yes, bigger band sizes mean bigger cups by volume, but a massive cup size on a small band leads to just, proportional absurdity.

This made binders an interesting prospect - it was kind of like trying to spread a whole block of butter onto half a slice of toast. You can get a flat, even layer, but it's going to be a THICK layer. My chest was flattened by binders, but flattened into a solid layer of flesh that stuck out pretty damn far from my sternum and overshadowed my stomach.

Now, the thing is, when I had my surgery... that layer went away. And I was confronted for the first time with how far my stomach sticks out.

I looked like a number six. I had the profile of a cartoon weasel.

Objectively, I'm still a small guy - 30 waistband trousers, size small t-shirts - but I'd never been so fucking conscious of my squishy, sticking out tummy in my life. Not to mention the fact that even though it's neat and well healed, I do very much have a scar that runs in a curve from one armpit to the other like a joker smile, and nipples that were stitched back on like buttons on a sofa.

I want to say here that my wife - @alone-on-takodana - has been my absolute rock. She's a big part of why I had the confidence to get the surgery in the first place, she helped me through every step of the recovery, and every day makes me feel good about myself and how I look. I dontknow where I'd be without her. But she knows as well as I do, that sometimes, as well as hearing from people you love and who love you that you look good, you want to be able to look at something or someone external and say to yourself "I look good like they look good." "I'm a man in the same sort of mold that he is." "I'm not alone." That you can still feel self conscious and weird and freakish even when someone you love and respect immensely is telling you you're attractive and sexy if you can't find something to feel represented by.

Enter Käärijä.

With his squishy tummy and hips that spill over the waistband of his trousers. With his round shoulders. Looking up at all the other dudes in the ESC even with his big chunky boots on. With his scars that show something that saved his life physically, like mine saved me emotionally... Running around shirtless at every opportunity like he owns the world and the crowd going crazy...

I always said I would cosplay Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park when I had my surgery, but nah, fuck it, I knew who I wanted to borrow the confidence of for a day.

If anything, the resemblance feels stronger without the bolero...

I'm going to be joining my wife and our kid in the pool and at the beach this summer, and at least a little of that is borrowed confidence from one Jere Pöyhönen