#i read 'first day on the job hopefully i don't give into that human emotion im not supposed to have :)' and it instantly became a vocal sti

[penn-dragon]

Mom said it's my turn to draw @ford-owner's au

[sol-consort]

Omg, I don't know if you remember, but that shepard cam girl/streamer au you did, I absolutely loved it!! I loved Shepard being so nonchalant about being tits-out in front of the crew, also them passing around the video and being embarrassed about making eye contact with Shep. You killed me!! That was so good

Oh god, this one? I wrote it while half asleep, didn't expect anyone to read it. I just checked it over again–damn the amount of typos. I fixed as much as I could rn. Hopefully, it reads smoother.

But yes! I still adore the concept and would love to expand upon it.

The army life + staying on a ship in the middle of the galaxy and sharing space with your crew has got to result in a lot of accidental nudity and flashing situations. Someone new on warships–like Tali or Liara might find it surprising, feel a bit more shy, while someone like Shepard, who was the Normandy second in command during Captian Anderson days got used to it by now.

Or maybe it's a human army thing? Quarians can't strip for first aid because it will only worsen the situation, Krogans have their thick skin and shells, and Turian skin has metal outer plating.

Only humans are this squishy, easily injured, easy to tear into. Mix that with the fact that we have a pretty good immunity system that gives us high tolerance to different microbiomes and the most genetically diverse genes in the Mass Effect canon–Mordin mentions it in ME2—it's not hard to understand why a human soldier would nonchalantly strip on an alien planet, in the middle of the battlefield, just to ensure the wound is treated properly.

But it's still hot—Shepard's total disregard to having your tits out on full display, chest heaving with every breath. Your crew desperately trying to maintain eye contact and not get distracted by the way your bare tits bounce with every powerful command and order you bark at them.

Biotics grant people healing abilities, at least ingame. It's not strange for someone like Kaidan or Liara to act as an emergency medic while on the battlefield.

Kaidan attempts to stay professional, stuttering more than usual as the raspiness in his voice becomes more apparent courtesy of his dry throat.

The tips of his ears reddish, summoning all of his will to keep his finger study as he pressed against your wound with the disinfected pad. Having to lower himself into your naked form, his clothed chest almost fully pressing against your own. The hiss you let out as your nipples touch the cold metal surface of his armour—it almost makes his heart jump out from his ribcage–barely remaining collected by the end of it.

Sneaking one lustful glance at your still exposed chest on the shuffle ride back to the Normandy before forcing himself to look away, feeling ashamed of his actions, excusing himself to his own sleeping pod the second the crew is back on board.

-

Anyway, so streamer Shepard hmm.

Miranda would quickly catch wind of this open secret and become your number one patron under a fake pseudo name. She keeps toning in each stream, even if she's working, simply setting the tablet on the table while she files the papers away. Dropping big stacks occasionally whenever you do something she likes, using the carrot method to subtly get you to act more and more slutty, exactly how she likes it.

Samara convinced herself that as long as she only watches—no touching herself, no writing a comment, no sending any money–then it's basically okay and doesn't break her code. She does, however, pay attention to your frequent commenters, checking their profiles, tracking their other socials... just in case one of them crosses the line. It is her job to make this world a safer place for everyone, right?

Thane–oh god, poor Thane. His own Siha...? Humans sure are uh... more adventurous than he thought they were. Drells are moved by emotions and romantic feelings more than sexual ones. He has very little interest in pornagrophy in any form of media because he just can't get off to a stranger, someone he doesn't love. But once he discovers that it is you in those videos, his commander Shepard, his siha. A flood of emotions wash over him. It becomes a boderline addiction.

Thane especially knows about the common human porno trope of fucking a drell because of the skin acting as both a stim and an aphrodisiac. He wonders if you'd be open to...having him on the stream for that? Just to boost your views...no other reason :) Definitely not to sate some deep primal instinct within him, the need to state his claim by fucking you in front of all of your adoring fans, he is such a tender gentle soul, he would never have those possessive thoughts, right?....right?

The poor guy almost voices this suggestion out each time you come over for a little chat.

Jack would be your top commenter, not even under a fake profile or a different name. Straight up Jack with her own profile picture to boost. Spewing filth and ordering you around like her own personal whore. Of course you don't pay her any mind and only oblige her requests after you make her beg.

Garrus wants to join you so badly. Picture this, the first ever human/turian streamers ever since the war! It will be a hit with both planets. Your profile will skyrocket in popularity. Especially if this is in ME1 where the human-turian intergalactic relationship was still strained and tense. Meditate the tension between your civilisations by letting him stuff you full with his gaint blue glowing cock <3 huh huh!? A million credit worth idea right?

[hestzhyen]

Kagurabachi, Family, and Abuse

(This is kind of heavy, so please take care if you choose to read.)

I can't stress enough how much I love Kagurabachi for it's nuanced takes on complicated issues. Legacy, abuse, trauma, and the people involved in these cycles- very sensitive stuff that should be handled with great care. So this manga taking the time to examine issues with delicacy is surprising for an action series where the MC and his foes lose limbs on the regular. The Rakuzaichi arc won me over heart and soul because of how it tackled abusive families in particular.

I don't think it's controversial to say that leaving your abusers behind to focus on yourself is a key part of healing. But when family is involved, that component tends to get scrambled or lost entirely. Somehow if it's a relative or a sibling or a parent, the situation is changed. The victim should try harder to work things out. The onus is on them to find out what's wrong and fix it somehow; become less vulnerable. Even the most saintly, well-meaning ally can fall into the trap of telling the victim that blood-related abusers somehow deserve extra grace. They're abusers but they're also family, after all. Families love each other and good intentions should mean a lot.

We see it all the time in media too. A parent lashes out in anger. A sibling destroys precious, irreplaceable mementos. A cousin bullies and their parents do nothing. Blood relations hit and hurt and do awful things. But family is family at the end of the day, so they come together to heal with tears and apologies. Everyone is suffering in some way but it'll be okay if they stick together and work through the pain. Pan out, roll credits.

Obviously the Sazanami clan was far more skewed towards villainy than what we see in the real world. But the extra context given to Kyoura right before his death humanized all of them. They were abusers who were trapped in the cycle by misguided devotion to familial duty. And now that the cycle is broken, the family has their chance to heal. Braidbro was told to help the little kids and honor Tenri's sacrifice by letting them avoid his fate, so hopefully they manage it. No more slavish devotion to the auction above familial bonds. They can come together with tears and apologies and work towards a better future.

Yet Hakuri won't be there to see it.

In another series, he might have stayed to help after working with Chihiro proved he was strong enough to stand on his own. Hakuri could have rebuilt the family with a new purpose since he's the first since the progenitor to naturally inherit the subspace sorcery. He'd have the clout to do it, being the only one able to ensure business returns to normal. He even landed the killing blow on Soya to prove his resolve and signal a shift in the family's status quo. It would have been even more vindication for him to go from family embarrassment to patriarch, and who doesn't love it when the underdog comes out on top? He could be the one to fix things! But taking over the family would have truly been a bad end for him- proof that he was still trapped.

Because what could possibly make up for what Hakuri endured all that time? No amount of crying and saying sorry and promising to do better heals an abuse victim. Braidbro and Sazasis could make sure he's waited on hand and foot for the rest of his life but the damage was done long ago. The emotional pain lingers far longer than the broken bones and torn skin. Even if Soya was the only one going so far as to use peelers and pliers on him, Hakuri was abused by all of them. They all agreed -implicitly or tacitly- to ostracize him and give him the worst jobs. We saw him getting ganged up on to be kicked and gut-punched. Kyoura wasn't the only one to deliberately look away. Hakuri's torture was a family affair.

So to see him walk free of it all makes my heart soar. Because Hokazono fucking gets it. The victim shouldn't be on the hook to lead the reform effort once the situation is exposed. They shouldn't even have to participate in group therapy. In order to truly heal, they need to leave. And Hakuri choosing to do so was framed as the best possible thing he could have done in the moment, thank god. No "but they're still family" guilt tripping from the author here. Hell, Hokazono even went out of his way to make sure Shiba gave Hakuri a clear out. Fuck rehabilitating abusive families thanks to the victim's hard work. Fuck glorifying victims becoming irreproachable ubermensches to stop "inviting" abuse. And a flying fuck off to giving the family the benefit of the doubt by waiting around to witness the improvement process. Hakuri is finally free to move on without looking back, as is every victim's right.

Kagurabachi went above and beyond my expectations for having this be the culmination of his arc. I was a bit worried that a story so strongly focused on family bonds would fall into the same pitfalls as many before it. I've been burned by authors mishandling familial abuse with "family above all" messaging way too many times. But we saw that dumbass mindset blatantly and thoroughly deconstructed into fine particulate matter at the end of the Rakuzaichi arc. And it's really sold me on Hokazono's ideals and storytelling in a way that the Sojo arc didn't.

This manga is more than just flashy sword fights and considering how best to honor and interpret family legacies now. Sometimes, families and their legacies are in fact too toxic to be allowed to continue. And thank god the abused kid doesn't have to be the one to help the family fix their shit after it all comes crashing down. I hope future arcs continue to showcase this level of sensitivity and care for the different types of pain the characters are going through.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hello 💗 wishing you a lovely valentines :)

heres my confession. ..... i wanna put myself out there more.. ive been honestly feeling like a baby, doing badly at college, jobless, aimless, inexperienced compared to friends my age, so..i just want to have more experiences this year, a job,going to places events bars local art stuff etc...., and hopefully those new environments can bring me closer to also new people ....:)

i feel profoundly for my friends..sometimes its sad to have to 'define ' "platonic" vs"romantic".... Do you know what i mean..? Its a beautiful feeling that i do not want to dismiss inside me even if i know expressing that is a whole diff thing

wishing U the best . Ur blog reminds me to stay hopeful. Its so easy to turn cynical.haha. sorry for the word vomit .... i wanna listen to people better too so it feels selfis of me to share so much but i am grateful for your openness to anon confessions i assume you feel similarly about sharing ?

^ yet you always give off a very, genuine interest in others , and thats so valuable

speaking is very hard , saying anything to another person, so i realized when someone shared something, that must be really delicate & Treasurable. Something to take with care

Its always worth it 2 reach out 2 others i think we need community more than ever. Much love 2U and anyone reading this . SPREAD THE LOVE.💗🌍🌎🌏💗💘🩷❤️

- 🌊💫🌙☀️🩷🌈

thankyou for this <3 no need to apologize for "word vomit" , it's all valuable to me, this is the reason i asked for confessions in the first place ^^ every day i am endlessly grateful for the tumlblr anonymous message feature & the way it empowers people to speak in a way that transcends their personal identity. to be able to facilitate a place where ppl trust me with their secrets & i trust u all enough to be able to leave anon turned on without fear of receiving hate. its not st i take for granted <333 i am overwhelmingly interested in everyone on earth lol. i want to help preserve traces of humanity for future gens.

please don't feel it's se;lfish to express yourself! especially when someone is asking you to :] people want to know more about you, im sure. its great to hear ur motivated to put urself out there. "inexperience" is a subjective thing, it's all relative.. for example i never went to college & im a 30 yr old neet w no money, compared to people my age im waaaay "behind", however i feel deeply experienced in emotional matters, death, love, spirituality, etc ! Everyone has something unique to bring to the table.

and dont be afraid to love your friends as fiercely as you would love a romantic partner. treasure them!! friendships can be so freeing when you love each other vastly but there's less expectations & pressure than a romantic partnership. Community is the answer to so many of the world's pronblems rn, we can start small in our own lives to help encourage it. even just by blogging together ^-^

thankyou for this awresome and thoughtful confession anon.. have a wonderful valentines<333333333

[leviackermanscleaningbuddy]

IM SORRY BUT CHANGBIN IS STILL AN ASSHOLE I STAND BY MY POINT 😭 I STILL HUNGER FOR THE SCENE OF INEVITABLE GETTING THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM BY FELIX AND CHAN because. dude got forgiven way too easily. while I get his viewpoint, nothing really excuses the emotional hurt he inflicted on noona yOU DONT HURT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE LIKE THAT 😤 and why is he all joking at the end like he didn't throw noona into an emotional hellfire two days ago 😭😭😭

OK IM SORRY ILL STOP RN. I am way more emotionally invested in this than I should be, I know. I'm sorry if my reactions are excessive hahshsj,, it's just, for some reason every time I read your updates on the skz pack angst I somehow coincidentally do it in a day where I'm feeling very emotionally vulnerable, and it just amplifies all the emotions from the fic 😭😭😭 I felt like I just got stabbed in the chest huhuhu look at the power of your words and immaculate writing.

ALRIGHT BYE ILL GO CRY INTO MY PILLOW I HOPE YOU HAD AN AMAZING DAY!!!

Okay, first off, don't think this response is belitting your feelings or replies at all BECAUSE THAT IS NOT MY INTENTION IN THE SLIGHTEST.

I feel you. I honestly do. I made myself mad with Changbin when I wrote these chapters honestly and I totally get where you're coming from.

However.

Back to the whole, characters have to fuck up sometimes because they're human thing, that also bleeds into apologies.

Now, this only goes for if the person is *actually* sorry about what they've done and won't do that shit again (NEVER EVER GIVE A CHRONIC ABUSER LEE WAY FOR SHITTY APOLOGIES) but sometimes, if we love someone, we have to realize that their apology may not be exactly what we had pictured in our head.

We can't control the way people show they're sorry or make amends, and sometimes, if you truly care about a relationship, you have to accept the apology at face value, let go of your previous notions on how you think they *should* have apologized, and move forward.

Sometimes, we think we know how others think and are going to behave, and that's what screws over our relationships, because they're not living up to our expectations, even if they are truly trying or are sorry for what was done, if we hold them to our perfect standard in our head, there's no room for growth.

I feel like Changbin could've done a better job at apologizing, but the fact stands that he did, right? And she accepted and hopefully, the relationship grows from this and learns. <3

[cumulohimbus]

I often feel despondent over the belief that no one will love me the way I want to be loved, a belief I have tried for years (and continue to try) to shake. I have been so thoroughly convinced that my worth comes solely from the things I can do and the way that I look.

Over time and with much hard work, I think my self hatred has become dulled, or perhaps just less obvious, and I thought perhaps it was a sign of healing...but I still feel it constantly eating away at me.

And today I realized that, while in some small ways I have achieved a certain level of neutrality/acceptance about who and what I am, I only ever think loving thoughts about myself in response to feats that took me a tremendous amount of effort to achieve, sometimes to an extreme and against odds that were stacked against me.

I was so proud of myself for getting the full grant funding for my library's new reference collection. It was one of only five grants that my institution's foundation awarded. It was my first time writing for a professional grant. There were many other projects that were also very worthy of those funds with applications written by people who've been working in academia for far longer than just a few months.

I loved myself for getting that grant. Every time I see the books and other items I bought for my students with that money I feel a sense of "I achieved something that was statistically improbable, and the result of this will last for (hopefully) many years". When I move on from this job, I'll be able to look back into my library and physically see the difference I made. And I do genuinely love myself for that.

But I don't love myself for the mundane things I do. I grow angry and shameful when I think about having bodily needs. I feel disgusted with my own bodily processes. I feel heartbroken over the onset of my physical disabilities, the symptoms of which cannot be cured, only slowed down. I don't love myself when I'm sitting down doing jigsaw puzzles on my phone; I don't love myself when I am being still; I don't love myself when everything around me is quiet; I don't love myself when I'm taking the time to write out my unimpressive thoughts in a post that no one but myself will probably read. Hell, I don't even love myself when I'm masturbating--I've been jerking it for over a decade now and it wasn't until one time last month that I actually felt a scrap of emotional satisfaction from it which I haven't been able to replicate since.

And the strangest part of all of this is that it seems the people I am most likely to find myself attracted to (platonically, romantically, and/or sexually on the rarest occasions) are people who are still, and can handle silence, and at least give the impression that they're not trying to accomplish something big (even if they are and I know about it). They're people who take the quality of being human as a given and don't apologize for their own humanness. I can't say these people are mundane; to me they're some of the most interesting and magnetic people I've ever met.

I hope some day someone who is far calmer and more easygoing than I falls in love with me. I don't think they could fix me (nor would I want them to), but I know I could learn a lot from them, and I think even someone like that could love me in almost, if not exactly the way I long to be loved.

[mxvladdy]

THE WAY YOU FILLED YOUR FIRST REQUEST SHOOK ME?!?!?!? YOU BLESSED US!? Would you mind also imagining how Mammon, Luci and Belphie would feel with a MC who's guarded with themselves and their feelings to avoid hurt, so they try to keep these brothers at a friendly arm's length as they don't believe the brothers don't really care about them? It would make me so happy, thank you so much!

EEEEK! Sorry for the wait. It took forever and a day to get enough time to seat uninterrupted and then try to edit ;.;

I hope you like it! Apologies if I didn’t get the prompt just right!

Mammon

He didn’t hide his disdain for his human protection duty when you first met. The fact that you kept him at an arm's length was a devil’s blessing. Good! He is a busy demon after all, he doesn’t have time for some human. At first.

Then he caught the feels and it’s all downhill for him at his ‘cool devil’ act. Not that you ever NOTICED.

He tries to flirt with you. Before you, he thought he was good at it too.

He’s never had someone so civil with his advances. You smile and laugh politely at whatever complement he throws at you. You might even give him a few back in a teasing, but clearly friendly manner.

You stress it heavily whenever he comes on too heavy with his advances. You stamp down whatever feelings he evokes and try to keep your line clean and precise in the shifting sand of your relationship.

He takes you out one evening after school, determined to get an actual answer from you over some made up snack he lied about. You don’t think anything of it, happy for an excuse to hang out. You walk and talk, not taking notice of his steadily reddening face as he keeps making swipes at your hand each time it brushes his.

You make an off-handed (get it) remark about the closeness and offer to walk behind this was bothering him.

He is miffed and throws out all semblance of “coolness”. Just flat out confess. Face flaming hot from embarrassment and sweaty palms now shoved into his jacket.

It was a blink and you’d miss it kind of moment. Mammon’s cheeks start to heat gradually. A staunch look of panic growing behind his eyes.

The words just slip off his tongue. His lips forming a sentence you were dreading. You didn’t quite catch it all; his declaration lost in the wind of the open market. You try to catch his gaze, to make him repeat himself clearly, for what purpose you didn’t know. You don't particularly want to hear it again, yet it would give you time to compose some kind of response.

He refuses to look at you. No matter which way you bob and weave beneath him, he dances around you. His face always looking in the opposite direction of yours. His gaze permanently pointing at his feet. The uneven cobblestone beneath his scuffed boots was suddenly very interesting it seemed. "I'm sorry? I didn't catch that." You ask once more, grabbing on to the crook of his elbow.

He buries himself deeper into the flipped collar of his coat and whispers it again. "I-I like ya, ok? Like like like ya know?" He stumbles over his thoughts.

Now how in the hells were you supposed to dodge this? It had been easier to evade his blatant affections when even he wasn't admitting to them. "No, you don't." You step away with a dry chuckle. "Don't be silly." You back away shaking your head in denial. You were sure Mammon could feel your heart rate picking up. You need some space, more space than the street could give you. Somewhere away from your tall, sweet, white-haired problem.

"Oi!" He makes a grab for you as you turn to flee. He spins you around leaning down to meet with you face to face. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"We are friends Mammon," You try to wiggle out of his strong, yet gentle grip. "You're just mixing up the feelings." Bullshit. With him touching you, your joint pack acted like an amplifier. You very much felt what he thought of you. The yearning from his newfound mental clarity mixes with the panic of your rejection. It makes a bittersweet taste bloom in your mouth, so hopefully yet reserved.

He was not so lucky. Your feelings felt like ash on his tongue, a sour tang of fear and self-doubt building on his sense. You were afraid of the inevitable, or what you presumed to be the inevitable.

  You were supposed to be friends then disappear forever once the school year was up. Him, down here, and you back to being just another nameless soul in the human realm. No need to get the storyline all tangled. "Hey-hey," Mammon speaks in a rush. "It ain't like that, really." He coos shuffling you closer till you are wrapped tightly in his soft leather jacket. He pours more of himself into the pack, opening himself up in ways he never thought capable of from his demonic form.

"I'm stupid." You speak into his chest. The warm reassurance of his unspoken pledge soothing you. It lessens the tight feeling of uncertainty that you had grown accustomed to.

"Ah- now, ain't that supposed to be my job?" The taste in his mouth dissipates slightly as you let out an indignant huff. He flinches as you poke his side hard between his rib cage.

"Told you to stop talking down on yourself Mammon."

The demon hums noncommittally keeping you close. He rocks you both from side to side, oblivious to the throngs of other pedestrians forced to walk around you two. "Guess I forgot. Maybe you could remind me? O-on a date?"

He smiles down at the little sliver of your face and eyes peeking up from the darkness of his jacket. He could damn near feel the smile trying to break from your forced scowl. "Just one?"

"Heh- don't bet on it."

Lucifer

Welcome to the ultimate game of pleasantry chicken. The two of you know this dance by heart, but your footwork isn't synching up.

Lucifer is trying to keep this whole debacle as professional as possible. You are an esteemed guest and pact holder for all of his brothers and himself. This should be business as usual. He totally has his emotions and growing frustration at your lack of interest in him in check.

Yup. He's fine. He's great; glad you two have such an unspoken understanding of your standing in his company and in the house. The same book, same chapter, same bloody page.

You are a good friend. Just. A. Very. Good. Friend.

He breaks first. Not that he will admit it. But the weekly coffee breaks become a bi-daily thing as he tries to court you. He draws these evenings out now. Have you finished your schoolwork? No, allow me to tutor you. Perhaps you would like to listen to this new vinyl with me tonight? It is a complete demon rendition of Wagner's Die Meistersinger. A classic, you’ll love it.

You take it all in stride. Thanking him innocently enough and going along with it. You buffer every little turn of phrase and slightly off-color hint of what he wanted from you with grace. So tactfully done he begins to doubt himself. You couldn’t be misconstruing his intentions right? He hasn’t doubted himself like this in a long time.

Diavolo catches on quickly to the kicked puppy look Lucifer tots around in your presence. He’ll tease, but try to help. He’s a decent wingman truth be told. “How has Lucifer been treating you? I haven’t seen him this happy in ages. He is a great friend to have, yes?” Kinda backfires when you agree that he is indeed a good friend. Oops.

He’ll crack one night over a glass (or bottle) of something strong he pulled from his study. You had slipped into his room unannounced asking for a quiet place to read before bed.  The interruption to his musings leads to him running his mouth and pile driving his pride into the ground.

He can’t say no to you anymore. He really should. You were hell bent on keeping him at an arm's length, so he should too. Lucifer watches you like a hawk from behind his desk. His ungloved fingers swirling the dregs of his drink. The cognac inside of it looking up at him, his scowl reflecting in the rich red liquor. Don’t judge me. He scoffs at himself, was he that far gone that he was arguing with his glassware? Should have switched to the bottle hours ago.

“Luci?” You say again waving a hand in his face. “You forget to sleep again this week?” Your smile was warm, a little twinkle in your eye drawing a heat to his collar that had nothing to do with the spirits. You sit on the edge of his desk in your sleepwear. The baggy shirt and sweats reeked of his brothers.

“No.” He lies pushing his desk chair away. “Did you need something?”

You shrug hopping off the desk. “Not really. Wasn’t feeling movie night. You ok if I hang out here? It’s nice and quiet.” You slink off to the couch in front of the fire before he could answer.

“You could not do this in your room?” Lucifer snips. He tosses back the rest of his drink and rises to his feet. He grimaces at the burn spreading across his throat. “I’m sure it is quiet in there too.” He catches your eyes looking over the back of the lounge. While everything lower than the bridge of your nose was blocked by the black velvet he could feel the frown growing on your face.

“Well, yes. But I still want some friendly company. Just not rowdy company, I thought you wouldn’t mind...”  

Devils. There was that word again. "You assume to know me?" He cannot hide the venom lacing his words. The liquor had dulled his senses enough that he could not hide his rancor.

“I’m-” You leave the chair coming around it to give him your full attention. This wasn’t like him. Not anymore at least. But you were used to the odd mood swings that plagued your companions. "I don’t assume anything about you Luci. But if you want to talk-"

“I don’t want to have some idle friendly chit chat.” He could feel the tantrum coming. “Have I not proven myself capable of-” His jaw snaps shut with an audible click that echoes across the spacious chamber.

“Of?”

A noticeable blush grows on his pale cheeks. “More.” He sighs deeply, he feels light-headed at the admission. Whether it was from the drinks or from going against his nature and swallowing his pride he couldn’t tell. “Am I not enough to be more than a friend to you?”

That takes you by surprise. You had speculated that he harbored feelings for you. Diavolo all but cementing the idea in your mind. But, this was Lucifer. It felt like just yesterday you were at each other's throats, before he recognized you as something other than a threat to his family. You wanted to respect that little bit of trust he had given you. “It’s not like I never thought about it.”

“But?” He perks up slightly hearing the unspoken word in your inflection. He could see your apprehension yet there was a shimmer of something else underneath. Something he could work with.

“I was- I am scared.”

“Finally, a reasonable response from being around demons.” Lucifer snorts.

“Hey! You know that’s not what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. Explain it to me.” He invades your space waiting to see what you would do. Run or stay. He would have his answer either way. You don’t move, instead, you wrap your arms around yourself. Guarding yourself yet standing firm. One of the many reasons why he admired you.

“I feel like we just became friends. I didn’t think you felt the same and I didn’t want to mess this all up.” You confess. “I just thought it would be easier this way.”

Lucifer absorbs your words quietly, nodding at the logic behind them. “Messes are not something I generally like true, but," He reaches for you, careful of your defensive stature to lead you back to the couch. “If you are willing to iron out the bumps with me I’d like to see what we can make of it.”

If it meant he could have you he would take as much time as you needed.

Belphegor

It takes him the longest to notice that you were trying to keep him at arm's length emotionally. It was hard for him to see at first since you still readily accepted his invitations to snuggle and hang out.

He thought he was very blatant with his desire for you and your affections. The head pats and evening is the planetarium or his attic.

The fact that he had apologized for that little murder mishap. He thought that was a big bright neon sign. Yet you always seemed to try to invite someone else along to chill or leave quickly after an hour or so. As much as he loved his twin and tolerated his other brothers he was trying to get you ALONE.

He starts trying to see you outside the house now too. Lunch in the cafeteria? Pffft. You are going to eat and nap with him in the courtyard. After School activities? Could you help him with some council stuff instead?

Yes, he will go out of his way to do work if you are involved.

You are still too closed off though. You act around him like you do around any of the other brothers and it drives him crazy. You are just so friendly and cordial with everyone. How come he is the only one that becomes a flushing mess now?

He becomes your second shadow, almost as bad as Mammon. You start to get an inkling of his intentions when he starts wanting to sleep in your bedroom at night instead of his or the attic. You let him but offer up the couch or split the bed with a pillow.

He snoops when he gets desperate. Did you like someone else? Was that why you were constantly acting like his advances were just him being overly friendly? He doesn’t find anything, you act like this around everyone else too.

He gives up. Stops interacting with you entirely. He is 99% sure he can sleep through the next century without being bothered. Maybe he’ll get over you by then.

“Belphie? You up here?” The demon in question opens a bleary eye to his locked door. He should stay quiet, leave you hanging. Give himself some vindictive pleasure in snubbing you.

“Hai~” He rises from his nest of blankets and pillows. “Hold on.” Unlocking the door he opens it ajar. You smile around the large stack of books and binders in your arms. “What is that?” Please don’t say homework.

“Work you’ve missed sulking up here.” You confirm his worst fear. “Satan and I thought we would spot you a bit though.” Belphegor watches you struggle for a second to pull a folded piece of paper out from the middle of the stack. “We got most of the answers done for you. Now you just have to fill the worksheets in with your handwriting.” You wave the paper expectantly.

Hearing his brother’s name makes him sour immediately. How long had you been hanging out with him now? “Thanks, leave them at the door then.” He goes to shut the door and return to his dreamless slumber but it’s blocked by your foot.

“Ouch.” You wince hopping back on one foot.

“Idiot! Are you hurt?” He wrenches the door open crouching down to take a look at your sock-covered foot.

“Nothing I can’t walk off. Though my arms are getting sore- weak human muscles an’ all.” You hint wiggling the stack in your arms. He takes the work this time, still eyeing your foot. “Relax, I’ve stubbed my toe with more force than that before.” You whisk by him, using his brief moment of distraction to slip by.

“Did I invite you in?” Belphegor eyes you with a frown. He kicks his door close and dumps the pile of papers on his already over-encumbered desk. Hmm. How many days had he missed?

You ignore him plopping down on the still warm sheets. “Nope!” You pop the ‘p’ with a grin. “But that has never stopped you from sneaking into my room. So fair trade all around.” You pat at the bed, clearing inviting him to join you. “Come on. I’ll help you finish that work then we can chill.”

Oh, now you want to hang out. He felt a rush of bitterness wash over him.  “Don’t you have something better to do?” If this keeps up he’ll need another nap, alone preferably. “Doesn’t Asmo need a shopping buddy or something?”

“What’s gotten you all worked up?” You frown, hurt by his accusatory tone.

Belphie shoots you a wounded look. "We never hang out anymore." He sulks. "Alone, I mean. I'm tired of you always inviting Beel or someone else with us."

He glances over to you idly thumbing at one of the books on his desk. It's frustrating. This game of touch and go he accidentally got himself into. Ugh- why did this have to be so hard. "I want to spend more time with you. Just us, so why are you always avoiding that?" 

"I.” You look down at your feet dangling off the side of his mattress. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I just felt like- like things were going off the rails between us.” You weren't oblivious to his advances.

He cocks his head in confusion. "Mmm? What are you afraid of?" You read a flicker in his eyes, a haunting memory of cruel fingers around your neck darken his gaze. "Ah-"

"No! No that's not it!" You panic waving your hands up. Of course, he would immediately go to that. "I'm just worried. I know you like me, and-just what if things don't work out? What if you realize what a mistake this could be?"

Your admission gives him pause. So you knew this whole time? Not surprising; he wouldn't fall for someone stupid. "So, are you admitting to liking me back?" He feels giddy when you nod, covering your heating face with your hands. " Well then, what’s the problem? It’s not a mistake if we both are making it.” He grins slyly. “How can it not work out if the feelings are mutual.”

“But what if you are mistaken?” He wraps you up into his arms, flopping you both over onto his messy bed. He takes one of your hands and places it on the top of his head all while burying his nose in your neck.

“Please,” He yawns, feeling his body grow heavy. “I don’t waste my energy on ‘mistakes’.”

[artsy-robotic-nerd]

Fahrenheit 451 Book Thoughts

I went into this book knowing nothing about the plot or the characters. I only knew that it is supposedly a banned book now and that it has something to do with books. I read this in one day... I just completely devoured it because it was so good.

First off, I don't understand why this is a banned book. It just doesn't make any sense how a book that is about book burning/banning can be banned. I call... IRONY.

Spoilers: The book is set in a dystopian type world where over time books have become a thing of the past and have become illegal. People weren't as interested in reading anymore and over time the government started censoring. The lie is that it keeps you happy, when nobody is happy. The main character Montag realizes that he isn't happy or in love when he befriends a 16 year old girl who thinks. She asks questions and observes her world and it makes her very different from everyone else. Montag is a firefighter and goes out to burn books with his team and witnesses a woman willing to burn with her books and asks himself what is in books that could make someone burn to death for them? Is it happiness? Montag steals a book and hides it and later learns that the 16 year old girl (Clarisse) is dead from being hit by a car a week earlier. His wife is very nonchalant about it too like death doesn't mean anything. Montag's boss comes and talks to him about the importance of their job and how books only bring misery. Later Montag and his wife start reading books just to see what the deal is with it all. Mildred (Montag's wife) really just wants no part of it, she doesn't want to face reality and to be honest it makes sense why Montag would be angry. Nobody to listen or to understand or to even try to listen or understand you. He goes to an old man named Faber who was a scholar back in the day and they both start talking about the importance of books and form a plan to instill books back in society. Montag's boss has been onto Montag and basically makes Montag burn down his own home after his wife leaves him. Montag's boss finds out about Faber's radio ear piece and so Montag turns and sets him on fire. Montag is hunted and is able to keep Faber secret and is able to escape down the river where later he meets academics and scholars who memorize books and pass along stories. On the TV the police pretend that they have caught and killed Montag because they can't say that they lost Montag. While out in the wilderness Montag and the group of men witness the city being bombed and decide to go back to rebuild and bring back books.

In my personal opinion I think this book is so important because while reading it, it was like seeing how society is today. There is a lack of passion for books. People don't read anymore and don't care to. People are tuned into TV programs and basically are living life how life is lived in this book (just not to that extreme yet). Books don't bring happiness but what books give is knowledge, passion, emotions, and thought-provoking questions. These things are what makes us human and that is the point of this story... not that books are being necessarily banned but that what these books make you feel as a human are being banned and how it is being taken advantage of by the government. Is society happy today? Ughhhhhh this book was amazing and will be another book that goes in my library. Hopefully books are not ever banned and my library will never be burnt to the ground lol.

Mildred frustrated me a lot in this book and obviously she is supposed to... but just she is so monotone. No thinking, only watching programs. No love, no happiness. Nobody wants to live like that. Everyone should read this book... I definitely recommend. This book also reminded me a lot of the Giver. A lot of similarities there.

[redheartwriting]

Bookshop AU

Chapter I

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz has their head down on their checkout counter, just napping. They had worked late last night, and they'll be working late tonight too. They deserve a little nap! And it's not like much business comes in anyways, so they're not asleep in front of customers. Ginger looks up from her perch on top of some book shelves, at the new customer coming in. Or rather, an old customer, their only regular. But Quartz doesn't look up at her yips, which serve in the place of a door bell. They keep their head down on the counter.* Welcome to... mm... welcome. *They mumble it, still exhausted. They don't even really believe it's going to be a legitimate customer, and not someone who just wandered in. So what's the point? They love this store, they love the books, but they can't say they love everyone else's lack of enthusiasm for written word.*

<Lycorexis> *Rose has to take a few deep breaths in front of the bookstore, working himself up for what will quite possibly, hopefully, be his only social interaction this morning. He finally pushes the door in, and is immediately greeted by Ginger's loud yipping, startling him. But he'd become used to it, no longer freezing up just from that like the first few times he was here. He smiles at Quartz as he walks closer to the counter, clearly a bit timid, but trying his best to be friendly.* H- Hi- um- it's just me again... *He looks apologetic.* I hope I didn't disturb your nap-

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz looks up at the familiar voice, and they seem to perk right up when they see that it's Rose.* Hey! No, no worries, I shouldn't be sleeping on the job. *Quartz sits up properly, a bright smile on their face. Rose is their only regular, and they suspect it's /because/ they have no other regulars. He seems... rather shy. So Quartz has done their best to be friendly and show him he can be out of his shell here.* What are you in the mood for today? Already finish that adventure novel? *They stand from their seat near the counter, ready to walk Rose through their store, for whatever he would like today.* I need to give you a punch card or something.

<Lycorexis> *Rose takes a step back when they suddenly stand up, almost like he's scared. But he smiles more, ready to follow them. He was never good with social interactions, stressful situations and intense emotions make him pass out, so he rarely has any friends at all, not a single "first love" in his life. Sure, he had has a few crushes here and there, but who would ever return that feeling? Especially to a boy who was too intimidated to even lock eyes with other human beings. But maybe, thankfully, because of that, people don't pay attention to him, and they don't bother him as much. With that, Rose is contented, or contented enough. He just want to be left alone, with his books and his music, and here he can be left alone for hours. Alone with Quartz, sure, but Quartz is... an outlier, they're nice to him, they're friendly with him, and perhaps Rose just has the /tiniest/ crush on them is all. Maybe there is no genuine friendship here and it's just them being a salesperson, but it's the best Rose has, and he can ettle for that. He reaches out for Ginger as they walk past her, trying to pet her like every other day he'd been here, and done this, but she doesn't seem to like him still, as Ginger bites the air, as a warning.*

<ProcellaCor> Stop that! *Quartz scolds Ginger for biting at Rose. She isn't helping his anxiety, as clearly evidenced by the long stretch of silence. Quartz looks at him for another moment, but they don't want to pressure him into talking if he isn't in the mood.* Ah- right. Well uh, let me see if I can find you something new. There's a couple genres I don't think you read a lot of... Ah! *Quartz pulls out a romance book, handing it to Rose.* I don't think I've seen you read much romance. This is a good one, one of my favorites! *They smile brightly at him, hoping to help him relax.* And it's on the house.

<Lycorexis> *Rose looks a little saddened when Ginger still won't let him pet her, and now he's too embarrassed to turn back and look at Quartz after that. So he just stands there, waiting for the awkward moment to pass, or at least hoping that it will pass. They finally speak up, and Rose sighs, just out of pure relief. He turns back to them, looking down at the romance novel, and Rose slowly takes it, looking through the cover, quickly skimming past the pages. There's a reason he doesn't read romance books much,  he just never get it, really. They always seem so unrealistic, but it's fiction, he can't complain there. And they always seem so... cheesy. But worst of all, they're predictable, it's never a good sign when he can guess the entirety of a book by just reading the small summary on the back. But he looks up at Quartz, then at the book, well... they look so earnest, he can't bring himself to say no.* Th- thank you. *He smiles again, a faint blush on his cheeks.* But um- I can- I can pay for it- I don't want to do that to you... *The one saving grace is this book does seem to have some... light erotica in it, which makes this more bearable for him.*

<ProcellaCor> I insist! *Quartz takes a step back.* I'm closing my shop soon, anyways. I have some plans later, so I have to close early today. I don't need to add a book to my ledgers, this is on me. Consider it a gift, if that makes you feel better. *They smile at him, trying to find his eyes.* Please? You /are/ my favorite customer, yknow! I should reward that!

<Lycorexis> *Rose seems a bit saddened when they said they'll be closing soon. But he takes the book, hugging it to himself. He still feel kind of bad, but he doesn't want to push this.* Thank you... *Rose gives them a soft, genuine smile, and it only brightens when they call him their favourite, a favourite customer, but still a favourite.* Well- you're um- you're my favourite too! *He pauses, was that weird? Fuck.* Well not like- um- y'know-

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz giggles, just at Rose's charming awkwardness. It's adorable, really.* Glad to hear it! So, what about you, hm? You up to anything fun tonight? *They move around their shop as they begin their closing process. Rose is special enough that he can be in here while they're closing. They trust him, more than any... customer. Yes, a customer. That's surely how he sees himself, as their customer, not their friend.* How are those work pals of yours? *They turn to Rose, smiling, trying to show him that they do listen to him when he talks, that they've taken note of all the small talk.* Still annoying?

<Lycorexis> *Rose blushes a bit harder, just out of embarrasment, and maybe because of their pretty giggles as well. He follows them around the shop, watching them close it down, almost like a lost puppy. He tips his head at their question, thinking for a moment.* Well- I- I do have some plans tonight... I don't know about it being fun though- *He laughs a little.* And- yeah they're still- *He sighs a bit.* Very... very annoying. *In fact, he has to go out drinking with them tonight. At some... hole in a wall place that Rose would never think of going to by himself. It's loud, it's flashy, it's full of people. But they insisted him to come, especially Addict, who probably just wants him to go outside once in a while.*

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz finally closes everything down.* Well, don't push yourself too much, alright? Or I'll have to start stocking self help books! *They smile at him at the joke, but it is something they've considered, just for him. Just some books on living as so clearly introverted as Rose is. Quartz can't relate, really. They have a lot of friends, though no one particularly close. Everyone stays at arm's length.* Hopefully it'll be better than you think it'll be, yeah? You can always be pleasantly surprised. *They look back at him, smiling more, meeting his eyes.* Right?

<Lycorexis> *Rose laughs a bit at the joke, rubbing the back of his neck. He'd never care about self help book, he sees a lot of them, all the time, sometimes people gift him those kinds of books, but... well, he never really read them, all stocked away in the very back of his bookshelves. He blinks at them a bit, almost caught staring at their cute smile, but he smiles too.* I- I hope so- Fingers crossed, I just need to make it out alive- *He laughs, starting to move outside so they can lock the store.*

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz gets Ginger from her spot, putting her leash on. She's normally well behaved in public, but they can't be too careful, and they don't want someone else's dog to attack her. But Ginger just flops over, clearly not wanting the leash, just wanting to lay there.* I need to get parenting books for this brat... *They smile to Rose as they joke again, trying to get him to laugh and feel comfortable and relaxed. They just pick up Ginger, getting the leash on.* Or some cat books, she's a very oversized cat! *They smile again, bright like the sun, warm like fire.* Will I see you tomorrow?

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz is happy too. They lock the shop up, and they check the time.* Ah- fuck, I'm gonna be late. I gotta go! I'll see you tomorrow, and let me know what you think of the book! *With that, Quartz turns and runs off, knowing they have to get changed and get their makeup on fast. They still have some time, but looking as good as they do takes time! They can no longer be Quartz, the friendly bookstore owner. They have to be /Ruby/, the dancer, the person everyone wants to be, or just /wants/. They do enjoy dancing, it is fun and good exercise, but they're much less thrilled with the way they have to do it. They still wear a big smile, they still wear minimal clothing, lots of makeup, /lots/ of makeup. But... they do wish it was for better reasons.*

<Lycorexis> *Rose watches them bolt off, before he can even say his goodbye, but then he sighs, turning to walk back to Athena. He finally gets in, leaning against the car seat as he breathes out again. He needs to recharge a bit before he goes for another social interaction. Rose opens up his phone, rechecking the address, and once more over just to make sure. It seems to be a club... Rose squints at his phone screen, a strip club. He has to take a moment, he knows Addict and Squid's relationship isn't working out well, and he knows that Squid is probably fucking Adrian on the side, but going to a strip club together, with the four of them, isn't this too much? But he sighs, it's none of his business, and as much as he wants to make it his business, he... shouldn't. Rose fastens his seatbelts, he hopes Squid and Adrian doesn't drunk makeout in front of Addict again tonight... and if they do maybe he can get Addict drunker than them before that happens.

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz downs their energy drink, still feeling tired. They're the "main attraction" tonight, the famous, sexy Ruby. And "Ruby" has a headache from the loud noises and bright lights and /weird/ smells. But if they can have enough of their energy drink, they'll live. They just want to get on stage and have /fun/. At least when they're dancing, they can forget why they have to. They can forget why everyone is watching. They do /like/ dancing, it's fun! And they're one of the few people here who is acrobatic enough for things like the pole, the ribbon, a hoop, all sorts of things. But tonight, they're on the pole. Apparently one of the lights in the hoop blew out. Quartz waits on the stage, one hand on the pole, waiting for the announcer to get through his spiel about the "moment you've all been waiting for!". Quartz rolls their eyes, give them a break. Slowly, the curtains rise, revealing them. In sexy red and black lingerie, heavy drag-like makeup, and in their well kept body. They jump up onto the pole, spinning around it as the music kicks on, and they can finally just dance.*

<Lycorexis> *Rose pulls into the back parking lot, god, it /is/ a strip club. He opens his car door, but leaving it ajar for a moment, as he turns back to pat Athena's steering wheel.* I'll miss you so much... *He finally steps out, taking in the sky's air, he'll miss that too once he steps in there. Rose takes off his glasses, putting it back into his pocket, before finally going inside. He keeps his eyes strictly off the stage as he just scans through the place, spotting his friends already at a table, and Addict waving for him. He gives them a smile as he finally sits down, but as he turns, and as his eyes briefly catches someone else's, someone who has spot him the moment he came in. Through all that make up, he still sees.* Quartz...? *But Squid's voice immediately turns him back, already teasing him about his eyes staying on the stage for just a moment too long. She just didn't expect him to be the kind of person, that's all! As she laughs, Addict smirks at him as well. "You like them? Well everybody does. It's not gonna be your turn with Ruby anytime soon." Rose's eyes widen a bit more, /Ruby?/*

<ProcellaCor> */Are you FUCKING kidding me?!/ Quartz screams in their mind, wondering why does god just HATE them? Sure, they burned a couple bibles, but that's not recent! Come on! Why is /he/ here?! They would have never imagined he'd be here at all, he's so shy, so introverted. What the HELL is he doing HERE?! As they finish their set, and the announcer tells about how they'll be going around the room now, Quartz can't help the burning curiosity. Oh, they're gonna find out what he's doing here. They freshen themself up a little bit before they head out to the floor, casually making their way towards him, with that same alluring smile they always have to wear, giving him bedroom eyes, because they have to. As they approach, Squid, Addict, and Adrian, being the wonderful friends they are, all find reasons to run off, leaving Rose alone with "Ruby."*

<Lycorexis> *Rose is still too stunned, not even noticing the fact that they have finished their set, or that they're slowly starting to approach him... until his /lovely/ friends just gets up and runs off. /Fuck-/, he turns back to "Ruby" slowly approaching him. God, he wish he was religious so he can say a prayer. But Rose moves over anyways, giving them room to sit, preferably not too close to him, as he clutches the glass in his hand tighter, his eyes glued to the ground. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, /fuck/.*

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz feels bad, because Rose looks like he's going to die. But they also know he is the safest person in this room for them to "choose" tonight. Rose won't grab them, or even touch them. But they know they have to stay "in character", lest the owners overhear them being a person.* Well hey, handsome. *They wink at him, smirking, and silently promising themself to apologize tomorrow.* What's a man like you doing in a place like this? *They ask it like they're flirting, but Quartz is genuinely curious. /Why/ is Rose here? Why is /Rose/ here? Why is Rose /here/?*

<Lycorexis> *Rose glances to Quartz, he knows they're not being himself right now. As introverted as he is, he knows how the world works. But only for a moment, before Rose's eyes drop to the ground again.* I was dragged here... *He whispers to them.* I- I told you I did have plans tonight... I didn't expect it to be here... I'm so sorry...

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz feels guilty. Rose looks like he's going to start /crying/. They hold out their hand and grin at him.* How about I take you to the back for a private dance, on the house. *They wink at him, but they're trying to communicate that they'll get him somewhere quiet and safe. By repeating the on the house line, they're hoping Rose will recognize that, will recognize the hints of Quartz under all that Ruby. They keep their smile, though, always careful not to risk their job here. They need the money.* Well?

<Lycorexis> *Rose looks at them for a moment, eyeing them, seemingly cautious. He knows it's Quartz but... oh, fuck it, he reaches out to take their hand anyways. He trusts them, or at least he trusts them enough to know that he want to get out of here. They bring him far into the back, the furthest room, he'd noticed, the most quiet one too. When it's just the two of them, Rose finally relaxes for a moment, leaning against the door.* Um- I- I'm sorry-

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz gets Rose some water. Here, in the private room, they know they can drop the act. But he still seems like he's going to pass out, and they frown. They move away from him, trying not to crowd him. They sit down on one of couches, admittedly grateful for the chance to sit anyways. They look to Rose, who's still pressing himself against the door. Quartz feels tears burn their eyes, just that Rose seems like he wants to /avoid/ them. No, that's not it, of course not. They're not /hurt/, they probably just have glitter in their eyes. But still, they try to make eye contact with him, try to show him that he's safe.* Are- Are you okay? *Their voice is softer now, much more like the bookstore owner than the stripper.*

<Lycorexis> *Rose looks up to them a bit, and he nods. Their soft voice does comfort him a lot, they... they comfort him a lot.* Mhm... I'm just- on edge... *He moves, sitting down next to them, but keeping distance.* I'm not good with- social stuff... I think you can tell... Oh god, I just hope I didn't make things weird between us...

<ProcellaCor> I- I'm just surprised to see you here... *Quartz really isn't sure how they're ever gonna look him in the eye after this, will he still respect them? At all? Seeing them barely dressed and caked in makeup and on a pole? They sigh, frowning at him.* I- uh- don't take this the wrong way but... this seems too... flashy for you. Too loud. /I/ can barely stand it, and I work here! *They try to joke, but it doesn't seem to work. Quartz hugs themself, feeling guilty, and a little ashamed.* S-Sorry...

<Lycorexis> Quartz... I- Um- *He takes a deep breath, but the room just smells like cheap perfume and cheaper booze, it feels almost suffocating to him. But Rose turns back to them, trying to face them, he has to, but he sees the way they're hugging themself, and he just feels so... guilty about this.* I'm sorry... You're right. This place is- it /is/ too flashy and loud for me. I- I shouldn't have been here, I didn't want to be here I just- I- I don't want you to have the wrong idea about me- is all... And I- I still respect you a lot- and I still consider you as- as- a friend... if we are even that- I'm just- uh- I- I don't want to make things weird and I- I don't- hah- *Rose rambles on until his breathing cuts him off, not knowing how to deal with this, and ends up trying to overcompensate for it. But he looks at them with tears in his eyes.* Please- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't wanna- Please don't blacklist me from the bookstore-

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz looks up at him as he speaks, still trying to hold back their tears. But their eyes are glassy, and this the first time anyone they've recognized has shown up /here/. They knew it was a possibility, but they hadn't emotionally prepared for it. But tears do roll down their cheeks, right over the makeup. Fortunately, it's sealed well and won't run, but they are still visibly crying. But then they're visibly surprised, blinking at Rose.* Bl-Blacklist you? Why would I blacklist you? *They seem confused by that, unsure of why Rose thinks they'd do something like that.* I- I'm so sorry you had to see this. The- The bookstore isn't- um- *They sort of stammer off. They won't scare Rose with their money troubles, or how the bookstore is an actively failing business, and this pays their rent, pays for food, pays for nearly everything.* I- I'm not gonna blacklist you. Will- Will you still want to come see me?

<Lycorexis> I- I don't know where else I would go- *Rose's tears are starting to fall down his face too, but he only notices Quartz.* I'm sorry- Please don't cry. Oh god, please don't cry. I promise I didn't mean to- I didn't mean to do this. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. *He seems to be panicking even harder, almost forgetting to breathe.* Do you want me to leave? Do you- Do I- Please don't cry- please don't cry.

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz can't help their tears. They're just embarrassed and ashamed that they had to resort to this.* N-No, um- you- uh- *Quartz tries to reign it in, tries to figure out how to phrase their thoughts and feelings without making things worse for Rose.* You didn't make me cry... I- I- I'm sorry. You can leave if /you/ want, but I- I won't make you- I- I just- *Quartz puts their face in their hands, doubling over to cry into their own lap.* I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I know this is- I know this is so much, and I understand if you don't want to- be my friend- I- I just- Rose, I'm so sorry.

<Lycorexis> *Rose flinches back in surprise when they suddenly double over and cry, he feels even worse, and he feels like this is his fault still, somehow. He debates for a moment, but it's just the two of them here... if this is weird, he can apologise to them tomorrow. Rose puts a hand in their hair, and as they look up, he tries to offer them a reassuring smile.* I- I want to be your friend... I wish we were friends. But- But- I just don't want you to think we can't be friends or- anything like that, y'know. Um... I- I promise this isn't- I promise I won't think about you that way or anything- I- Um- *He pulls them in for a hug, tightly. His heart is beating so fast. God, he hope this is right, please let it be right.*

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz jumps a bit when Rose /does/ touch them, just because they weren't expecting it. But they seem to relax at the hand combing through their hair. It does feel nice, like they're being pet like a cat.* Are... we not friends? *Quartz looks up at him earnestly, trying to figure out that "I wish" statement he made. But then he pulls them into a hug, and they just relax into his arms, almost just melting.* I- I want to be your friend... *They mumble.* I know your other friends suck but... I hope I suck less...

<Lycorexis> *Rose freezes for a moment, before he nods.* I- I want to be your friend too... *He hugs them a bit tighter.* I- I just thought we weren't- I'm not that good- y'know... at this... and I can't really tell how people consider me... I don't want to consider someone my friend then have them tell me we're not... that has happened before, and I don't want to make assumptions in case it happens again y'know and- and-

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz hugs him tighter, pulling back so they can make eye contact. And they smile at him.* Well... in that case, I officially confirm that I'm your friend! And, hey, you're my only friend that knows about uh... this. *Quartz glances down, at their very, very revealing lingerie.* The thing is... I do love to dance. It's fun! I just- I never thought it'd be like /this/. But... it's good money. *They shuffle away from Rose, wiping away their tears.* Were the people who jumped over their seats to get away from me your friends? God, they seem like they're shit people. And two of them had wedding rings! What are they doing /here/?

<Lycorexis> *Rose smiles a bit brighter, happy to get the confirmation from them.* Then... I am- I'm your friend too! Um... *He glances at their outfit.* Well- I won't tell anyone if you want me to keep the secret. *He looks away, as they seem to want to change the subject as well.* Well um- *He rubs the back of his neck.* Yeah they're- they're married... to each other... It's complicated...

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz nods slowly.* Yeah, please... don't tell anyone... not that I have many bookstore customers. But this isn't the image I want my store to have... yknow. *They sigh, rubbing their arms. It might come off that they feel cold, but really they're still just anxious. God, is this what Rose feels like all the time? This sucks!* Married... to each other... are you sure? I've seen the person with blue hair and that twinky guy in here before, without the other uh... the one with the dragon tattoo. *Quartz isn't sure if Rose has ever mentioned their names or not, but they can't really put names to the faces.*

<Lycorexis> Ah... yeah... *Rose looks away more.* Yeah it's- it's very complicated... but they /are/ married to each other... for now, I think. *He sighs.* I feel bad for Addict, the- the one with the tattoo, they're a good person. They're just- ugh. *He groans,  leaning back a bit.* It's none of my business, or whatever, y'know. And Addict doesn't listen to anyone, it's whatever- whatever. I don't care. *He runs his hand through his hair.* I don't care. No.

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz tips their head.* It sounds like you /do/ care. *They lean against Rose, both of them heating up at the rather touchy gesture.* I think it's sweet. But... yeah maybe stay out of that one. Even from a distance, that looked like a mess. Maybe I /will/ stock some self help books, for you to give to them. *Quartz sighs out, feeling more relaxed than they ever have at this damned place.* Addict's pretty cute, though. You suuuure it's just because they're your friend? *Quartz nudges him a bit, indicating that they're joking. But Rose turns quite the shade of red.* Oh god- I- I'm sorry! I didn't think you actually-

<Lycorexis> *Rose lets them, but he can't hide the blush on his face, just hoping that they won't see it.* I'll hit them in the head with the self help book. *He tries to joke about it too, but as Quartz looks up, and as they get the wrong idea, Rose blushes even harder, starting to panic again.* N- No! No. No no no no no. It's not that- it's not that I- um- I just had a drink or two out there y'know- and- and Addict is just my friend. We're just friends. I promise it's not like that-

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz jumps back, feeling bad that Rose is panicking /again/.* I- uh- well I always thought alcohol makes you /less/ anxious, yknow- I- uh- *They rub the back of their neck too, making a bit of a guilty face.* Are you... um... are you into romance? I noticed you seemed uh, offput, by the book I gave you earlier. I just wanted to give you something different. Variety, and all that... And it /is/ one of my favorites...

<Lycorexis> I... um... *He thought he hide that fact pretty well. He feels guilty, and a bit douchey when they think he doesn't like their gift.* Well- I appreciate the gift, still, y'know... I just- um... I don't like romance, yeah... *He looks apologetic.* But- I'm willing to read it still! I don't want to let you down! If it's one of your favourites then I might- I might like it too, y'know. I don't mean to act... offput.

<ProcellaCor> Ah. *Quartz feels their heart sink a little when Rose says he isn't into romance, which means he probably wouldn't think of anyone romantically, least of all them- wait no, why does that matter? Are they aphobic now? Get it the fuck together, Quartz. They breathe in, hiding their emotions.* Well- The reason I like it is that it's not... forced. *They lean back, trying to think of how to describe it.* Not to spoil it, but they do actually fall in love. And you get to see that! It's not love at first sight and then blah blah our love can conquer all... the two leads are actually friends first, and then they fall in love, and weave their own version of love together. It's really sweet, for the amount of erotica in it... *As they talk, their eyes sparkle. /This/ is what they love about their books. The stories, the action, the drama, the characters! This is the part of the world they /love/. How people can tell stories to each other, and how enamored people can be with those stories. /This/ is why they opened a bookstore, and why they're stripping to /keep/ it open. Because they want to share it with everyone they can.*

<Lycorexis> *Rose listens to them describe the book, and he can see the light in their eyes, how happy they genuinely look. He thinks of the book they gave him, he doesn't want to let them down. Maybe... maybe he can give romance a chance, maybe there is something to it, or maybe he just wants to try because it's... Quartz. He looks up at them. It's Quartz who gave him the book, if nothing else, he wants to learn about the things /they/ love, maybe... because he loves them.* I- uh- I might like it... *He smiles softly.* After all you seem to... and I trust your judgment, if nothing else.

<ProcellaCor> I hope you will, and I'm glad you'll at least try. *Quartz smiles brighter, and it suits them so much better than the fake smirk they had wore on stage, or the tight careful smile when they approached Rose. /This/ is Quartz. Earnest and genuine.* With you being aromantic... *Quartz seems to have come to that conclusion, since Rose said he's not "into" romance. And sure /maybe/ they have a /small/ crush on him, but if he's aro, he's aro. And they still want to be his friend.* It might not strike you the way it did me, but it /is/ better than most romance novels. The leads are actually in love! *The chuckle a bit, lamenting the fact that while romance can be such a lovely genre, so much of it is garbage.*

<Lycorexis> *Rose shifts around a bit, has he ever told them that he's... aro? He usually leaves it out of conversations, most people don't understand, or don't even make an attempt to.* I- Yeah... *If they've just assumed... that would rubbed him the wrong way. But  he decides not to dwell on it, maybe he let it slip and he just doesn't remember.* Well I- I'll give it a try. I mean- I'm sure it's like erotica... y'know, the good ones are really good, but the rest of it just reads like wattpad smut fics that managed to get a publisher. *He chuckles a little.*

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz laughs too, just laughing with Rose, because his laugh is adorable and contagious.* Honestly, it's amazing what gets published and what doesn't, it's all about your pitch I guess. *They shrug.* But I try to keep good books in stock, you can get 50 shades at a walmart. But I want to give people more hidden gems. *They lean back on the couch, sighing a bit, their smile slipping.* I love that job a /lot/ more than this one. I mean- I like to dance, I love it actually, but this isn't exactly my dream career. *They pause, but then they sit up a bit.* Sorry- Didn't mean to start whining at you.

<Lycorexis> *Rose feels slightly sad, he looks around the small room, this must be why they keep falling asleep at the bookstore. And Rose is... he's there a lot, almost every day, at any free time he has, and it's because the place is always empty, but that... isn't good for their business. If they can't earn money from the bookstore, eventually they'll have to close it down. But Rose doesn't want that, and he knows they don't want it too, that's why they're here, doing this, to keep that from happening.* Um- I uh- *He stutters, not really sure if this is appropriate to suggest.* I can- I can help a bit... financially if you need it-

<ProcellaCor> Absolutely not! *Quartz, at first, seems offended by the suggestion. As though it's a pride issue. But they quickly soften.* No, I wouldn't do that to you. I- I appreciate the offer, it's very sweet, but I- I can't let you bankroll my failing business. *They sigh a bit.* It's not like I don't make any money at all, I still sell well enough to break even for the business expenses... but... that doesn't pay my rent, it doesn't feed Ginger. So... this is a... substitute, I guess. *They run a hand through their hair.* It's not like I /hate/ this. I think I just hate... what the job entails, yknow, like, the people who come here, the stuff I have to say... that sort of... thing. *As they speak, even Quartz can hear just how defeated they sound.* I'll be fine, it's just a little exhausting. But it's not like I don't like coffee. *They force a smile, trying to bring the mood back up.*

<Lycorexis> Quartz... *But Rose saddens even more. He'd notice how... uncomfortable they look, walking down to him, how much they're forcing it. But... he believes this place pays well, and that's why they're choosing to stay. He would ask them to come work with him, but part time wage at the cafe definitely doesn't compare to the wage here. Rose sighs, leaning back a bit.* Well I just- I'm happy to help, y'know- however small I can help. And- and summer is coming up! My semester is about to end, I can help at the bookstore too, if you'd like me to. I don't mind. I promise.

<ProcellaCor> But... *Quartz protests, but they can't say they aren't tempted. Working two full time jobs is exhausting, they feel so run down these days, and they know they keep falling asleep in the shop.* But... don't you... have a life? *Quartz rubs the back of  their neck, trying to find a nicer way to phrase that.* I- I mean, you have friends and stuff- I don't want to take your summer because I need a nap. That's just... unfair of me, right?

<Lycorexis> *Rose thinks for a moment. A... life? Well, he spends most of his time in classes, or at work, and when he isn't he's either sleeping or at the bookstore. Isn't that his life? And once summer rolls around, he doesn't have to worry about studying for a while, and then what? He has to go find a "life" for himself? No, of course not! Why would he ever do that!* Well- I would spend most of my time at the bookstore, anyways. *He rubs the back of his neck, giving them an awkward chuckle.* Um- haha- I- I don't  really have... anywhere to be... I don't have that much people in my life, I think you can tell. But I- I like that! And I like being at the bookstore.

<ProcellaCor> Well... *Quartz sighs, thinking it over for a moment.* I'll- I'll still be in the store itself, just in case, and um, I'll pay you! I don't want you having to work for nothing. And uh- you can have any book you like from the store, too! If you want! And you can quit any time you want, too! And your other job should still come first- and uh- *Quartz babbles up for a moment, just trying to give Rose an easy out if he needs one, and make sure his time is repaid.* Th... Thank you... *They whisper.* I've never had anyone else offer to help me... I mean- I do have other friends but... *They sigh again, knowing those friends aren't close, mostly because Quartz doesn't allow them to be.* ...you're really sweet.

<Lycorexis> Quartz- no no I- I don't- *He cuts off as they thank him, and when they said that he's sweet...* Ah- ah... um... *Rose turns away, trying to hide his blush.* I- I just wanted to help, y'know- Because we're- we're friends... *He glances back to them, though sheepishly.* Right?

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz catches the blush, and they can't help their small smile, but they decide against commenting on it.* Y- Yeah! We're friends, we're friends... *They lean back against the couch.* Ugh, I do have to get back out there... Maybe if I get lucky I can just dance, and not talk to anyone... *They make a bit of a face.* But I do still have the rest of my shift... *But, still, they lean over, resting their head against his shoulder.* But... Thank you. I mean, I know you didn't wanna be here. But this has been probably the easiest shift to get through. Just because you're here. *They wrap their arms around him, hugging him.* So... thanks.

<Lycorexis> *Rose tenses up as they leans against his shoulder, but he lets them do so. He's not uncomfortable, but he's just isn't used to someone being so... close to him, he's scared that even his breathing will make them uncomfortable, and they'll pull away. His blush only grows, as they keep talking, as he can feel their arms around him.* Um... We- we can stay here for longer- if you want to stall for your shift... I mean- As long as you tell them you were with me, you'd be safe, right?

<Lycorexis> I- I can pay you- *Rose suddenly turn to them.* Well- well "paying" you sounds a little weird, but I can- I can- um- I can give you whatever you usually make. You just- you... *He softens a bit.* I- I don't want you forcing yourself to be out there... I- I just thought I'd help...

<ProcellaCor> I... can't... really. My wage is based on how much people, yknow, throw at me... *Quartz shifts around, a little uncomfortable.* I don't have anything against my coworkers here, or even the concept, but sometimes it's... kinda... *They sigh, rubbing the back of their neck again.* And you don't seem like the kind of man to start throwing your life savings at me because you think I'm hot.

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz takes in a deep breath.* I do appreciate the offer, but I can't just have you paying me for... being your friend. That's... weird, right? That's weird. But I *They take in a deep breath, and they slowly stand up, stretching. Some of the glitter falls off of them, sparkling in the air around them, like a halo. Some of the sparkles even land on Rose.* It's not like I /hate/ dancing. I just hate everyone in this building... except for you, of course. *They turn back to him, the facade rising again. They wink at him, the way Ruby would, not the way Quartz does.* You can be my favorite customer here too, if you want.

<Lycorexis> *Rose looks at the sparkles falling onto him, then back up at them. He physically jolts at the way they wink at him, at their words.* Oh no- No no no no no. *He seems... flustered, but Rose quickly turns away from them.* No- No... no, please, I can't handle it here. And I- I respect you still, I swear- I promise I'm not going to think about you stripping- That- that sounds weird- I- promise I'm not gonna- I- I'll go I'm sorry-

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz' smile shifts, back to a genuine, Quartzy smile.* Well I didn't think you were gonna think about me stripping... now, I'm not so sure! *They laugh, just to show him they're joking, that they trust him. But they shift back to "Ruby", knowing they have to. And they wink again.* But you can if you really want to. *They help him stand, walking him to the door, before they decide to walk him all the way outside, just trying to keep him from being overwhelmed.* Will I still see you tomorrow? *Their tone sounds flirtatious, like its supposed to, but they're also genuinely asking him.*

<Lycorexis> Ah- *Rose seems a bit surprised when they reach out for his hand, but he stands up with them, smiling.* Thank you... *He walks with them, his hand tightens in theirs just ever so lightly as they leave the hallway, entering the main club again. The eyes on the two of them, the eyes of his friends on /him/, it makes him horribly anxious. But as they turn back and ask him, Rose nods.* But- but not here, though... *He whispers to them.* I'll see you at the bookstore. *Rose smiles.*

<ProcellaCor> *Quartz smiles too, and they lean forward a little bit, just to whisper in his ear. They have to make it look like they're still flirting.* I'll see you tomorrow then, and thank you... again. It means so much to me. *They give him a kiss on the cheek, hoping that won't break him. They pull back and head back inside, back to the stage, while Rose's "friends" immediately seem to hound him about getting with the famously secretive "Ruby".*

<Lycorexis> *Rose blushes harder at the small kiss, but he has to act casual still, hoping the dim light won't let them see that. But before he can come out of it, Quartz has already pulled away, as his friends immediately /jump/ on him. But his gaze stays on Quartz, watching them walk away, as Ruby, once again. But tomorrow, when he sees them again, they'll be just Quartz, the Quartz he'd always knew, and things will be back as normal between them. So normal that he'll forget all about this, he'll forget that Quartz was ever Ruby. They'll just exist in their peaceful bookstore again, and nothing will change between them, definitely.* 

[scripttorture]

You likely don't follow Dream Smp but there was just a reveal that one person (Character A) is torturing another (Character B, former villain, now in prison) for info on necromancy while the warden of the prison gave CA the equipment to do it and is ignoring CB's screams for help. And half the fandom is trying to justify it with "oh, CB deserves it for threatening to kill a child, killing (1/2)

another child (who he then revived, not justifying /that/ though) and manipulating/abusing the latter." Not only that, but so many people are telling off anyone who pointing out how messed up it is (and don't worry, the story itself so far is showing that it's messed up and won't work) with "it's just fiction, get over it." Like I am legit concerned over how many people are claiming it's cathartic and the character deserves it for their actions. Rant over I guess (2/2) (Dream smp anon) And I forgot to add that this character was /already/ being tortured; he has been in complete solitary confinement for upwards of 2 months and is being starved) and was actively self-harming and destroying items in his cell in a bid to get the warden to come replace them (looking for social interactions, even if it was negative) and people STILL thought that wasn't "enough of a punishment"

-

I have no idea what this show? Comic? Piece of media is but I’m happy to give my opinion on the general situation and use of violence in fiction*.

 But I’m not here to take sides in fandom wars and the aim of this blog is not to tell people they can’t write about violence or abuse. It’s to make people think about how it’s used in stories and hopefully create something that’s more realistic and respectful to real survivors.

 At the end of the day the reason I’m interested in fiction is because it effects our perception of real survivors. When so much of our popular media is unrealistic in ways that demean survivors that has an effect. I want to remind people that while the violent acts we write about are fiction, similar acts are happening to real people today.

 Torture survivors are real. They’re human and they deserve respect.

 Here’s the thing Anon, the people you’re mad at are real too. And the characters that sparked this are not.

 There’s nothing wrong with having a strong emotional respond to fiction. There’s nothing wrong with getting frustrated with how pigheaded or outright bigoted fandom can be. But it is worth questioning whether responding to this kind of thing is worth it.

 Arguments over fictional characters can become extremely heated and result in real world harm. And so long as you’re engaging with stuff in a purely fictional context… well I think the chances of being dismissed, belittled etc are significantly higher. (Note however that being dismissed and belittled still happens when you’re dealing with torture in the real world.)

 This is not fair. That does not change other people’s responses or the cultural climate.

 I will be blunt; if you are writing and reading in English the majority of fans you deal with will be Western and white. I have personally found this intersection very likely to treat violence as something purely fictional. I have found them unlikely to consider torture as a reality unless they are prompted to.

 And from my side of things that prompting is often like dropping an anvil on someone’s foot during the conversation.

 Believe me I get it. It is infuriating to see real, deadly torture techniques interpreted as harmless. It is hurtful seeing torture victims blamed for their own suffering. This happens on the news as often as it does in fandom so the fact these feelings are being set off by something fictional doesn’t make a lot of difference. Because these arguments are used in the real world against real people.

 Seeing torture apologia touted as this weeks hot take is something you are allowed to be mad about. I’d be a hypocrite if I said otherwise.

 But educating other people is hard work and you are talking about a piece of media aimed at children. You are probably talking to children. If you’re a teenager yourself it might be hard to hear it put like that.

 It’s still true.

 If you really want to have these conversations in your fandom then you need to centre the reality. Underestimating or dismissing the damage solitary confinement and starvation do to people is serious because it props up real world systems of abuse. Because it justifies ‘tough’ sentences to level of isolation that leave people mutilated by their own hand, or unable to function in society. Or dead. Because it leads to doctors ‘prescribing’ diets used in death camps.

 Here’s the thing, talking about that reality to children is a fraught process. Especially when they’re children who don’t have any experience of seeing this stuff. And unless you’re their parent or teacher educating them is not your job.

 Sending them down an internet rabbit hole that leads to photos of real injuries, real torture, real mass graves… I think that has the potential to go very badly.

 Enjoying something and then discovering that the fandom is toxic is unpleasant. But my impression is that’s the problem here: the fandom interactions are leaving you feeling like shit.

 Disengage.

 You do not need the fandom to enjoy uh… whatever Dream smp is. You do not need their permission and if the fandom is a negative space for you, you are allowed to leave.

 If some of these people are your friends then by all means try to privately explain why their words hurt you and use this blog as a resource. But ask yourself how much you want to be friends first because that is a long painful process that might not work.

 Torture apologia is everywhere and fixing it is going to take decades.

 Accept that you can not control other people’s actions. Accept that some people will always be assholes.

 If seeing torture apologia hurts you then… you probably need to find a piece of media without torture to enjoy. Because apologia is so present that I think that’s the only way to completely avoid coming across it in fandom.

 Once again I understand. I’ve volunteered to be bombarded with this stuff every day. It is upsetting. It is also embedded our global culture and the popular media exported to every single nation on the planet.

 Constantly being confronted with it and stewing in that anger and hurt is unhealthy.

 Step back. Do something else for a while. Take a look at this post I made last week. You might find some of the advice on dealing with these feelings helpful.

 You can not make people care. Hopefully most of the people you’re talking to will grow and learn and become more compassionate people. But you can’t force that process.

 And you don’t have to deal with their bullshit while they’re still growing.

 Shouting at other people isn’t always helpful and it isn’t activism. If you want to do something constructive there are a lot of organisations that would gladly accept your money and your time.

 Here’s a couple that seem relevant:

Just Detention

Solitary Watch

The World Food Programme

Amnesty International

 I hope that helps. :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

*I asked a friend to explain what Dream Smp is and I’ll be honest I still don’t understand it. But hey I got an idea of the target audience which helps. Please don’t explain Minecraft to me any more let me rest.

[incoramsanctissimo]

So..you can answer this privately or post (or not answer at all lol). Up to you. But I just saw your tags in a post about pregnancy that said you don't mind sharing about your experience. Could you just talk a bit about your pregnancy, giving birth, breast feeding, raising a baby and being married? I realize that's like so much lol I just want to hear it from a young faithful Catholic woman. Thanks in advance :)

Absolutely! I’ll answer publicly in case anyone else is curious, plus I’m not really a particularly private person.

I tried to add the break but don’t know how to do it on mobile. I’m sorry guys, cause this is looooong. Scroll past if you don’t want to read a bunch of uncomfortable personal stuff.

First of all an unfortunate but essential part of the story is that I did not act as “a young faithful catholic woman” in the beginning, and it had a profound effect on all the rest. I’m not sure a person is supposed to broadcast their sins like this, but it’s essential to the story. I got pregnant a month before my wedding, which had been moved up from May to October in part because my fiancé and I were really, really failing in the whole chastity department and judged it best to just get married. AFTER that decision, I became pregnant. I started throwing up and feeling miserable and exhausted at four weeks, and got married at about five. It was not fun, guys. As soon as I saw that positive test I fully realized how irresponsible I had been and fully regretted my actions. I was constantly nauseated and threw up most days, couldn’t keep down liquids (so bad dehydration) and was deathly, deathly tired. Because of the hormones, I would feel nothing but a vague depression all day and then all of a sudden at bedtime burst into tears because I “couldn’t take it” or I had some worry about the baby’s future, though at that point I didn’t feel much emotion towards her of any kind. I was working a job I hated too, full time with an hour drive, and I had only gotten four days off the week of my wedding. I have to give my husband so much credit for the way he handled entering the married state with a pregnant, emotionally needy and physically drained wife. I was not in a bridal frame of mind at all and he just took it in stride. I had a much harder time adjusting to the married state. By the way, we were living in a large room in a house shared between my husband and two other guys, one of whom was the nightmare roommate par excellence.

In my second trimester things got a little better. I was able to eat more than pizza rolls and smoothies (yes, those were my 1st trimester foods), I quit my job and got a part time that was much much better, found out I was having a girl and began to actually feel a bond between me and the tiny bump that was starting to wriggle and press inside me: I had enough mental health to handle my husband getting laid off a week after I quit and to actually be some consolation to him for the month that neither of us had a job.

As the third trimester approached my baby was diagnosed with IUGR, Intrauterine Growth Restriction. They said the placenta wasn’t working correctly. I started throwing up again and having super painful episodes of what I thought was just really bad acid reflux. I got an average of four hours of interrupted sleep per night. I went for my 30 week appointment and told the midwife I was working a nine-hour shift that day, and she wanted me to call out but I wouldn’t. The next morning when my husband got up at five he found me curled up on the couch just crying because everything hurt so bad and I was so tired and I just really didn’t see how I could take much more. I called my mom and told her my symptoms and she said it sounded like preeclampsia. Then I called my best friend, who’s a nurse, and she told me to go to the hospital RIGHT NOW. Finally I did, though in retrospect I should probably not have been driving. When I finally got seen they took one look at my blood pressure and rushed me into the l&d emergency ward, where they had me iv’d and cathetered and being pumped full of magnesium before I knew what was happening. I asked when I’d be able to leave and they said “when that baby’s out of you.” I had severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and I spent the next two weeks in the hospital. That day was Good Friday. I was supposed to make it to 34 weeks and then induction but two weeks in I had a night of the worst pain I’d ever had, and blood pressure they couldn’t keep down, and my liver was swollen and my kidneys were about ready to go, so they started the induction. The baby was struggling under the stress of the forced labor so I was once again rushed through the hospital in a bed to surgery and they performed an emergency C-section. Luckily my husband had gotten there earlier that day. He baptized our daughter as soon as she came out and I got to see her later on in the NICU. Her face and head were covered by a breathing machine and her body was so, so thin and tiny, but I knew she was beautiful. When I got to hold her for the first time she instantly became the whole world to me, and I was vaguely surprised at how painful it could be to have someone be your whole world — I had thought I loved my husband deeply but this is a whole new thing. She was in the NICU for five weeks and leaving the hospital without her was awful, but I visited every day and just held her against my skin for hours. She had a feeding tube and I wasn’t able to start breastfeeding her until about four weeks later, but when I finally was allowed to I was so proud of myself and her. I still love feeding her, I feel like it’s almost a way of communicating between us. I feed her everywhere and hope I can help normalize it even a little.

Our baby finally came home at what would have been 38 weeks and it was so exciting and so scary. I had of necessity unofficially quit my job when I was admitted to the hospital so now all of a sudden I was a stay at home mom, in a new house and a new town because we had moved to the country with my husband’s cousin literally the day I gave birth (thank goodness for helpful family members). I just spent my days cuddling and feeding my tiny one. She loves snuggles and in the early days refused to be put down, so I had her in my arms for about 19 hours a day. (I often wear her in a baby wrap, and it is a sanity-saver.) I still had episodes of that same pain I had experienced before I gave birth, and for a long time they were really bad, like screaming-into-a-pillow bad. My husband took me to the ER twice but they couldn’t find anything and it’s gradually gotten much more manageable. After a while I started feeling better overall and seriously taking on the responsibility of the cooking and the house as well, but I still spend a lot of time cuddling, feeding, singing and reading to my little girl, and I think it’s good for her. I don’t want her to ever, ever have the possibility of feeling unwanted or unloved, because even though I wasn’t quite ready for her and she put me through more physical and mental suffering than I thought I could handle — and in the process destroyed all my cute little mental images of maternity — I am truly and honestly so honored to have been granted participation in creating this beautiful, unique, new human being. I had read stuff about the dignity of sex but I didn’t really understand it until after she was born and I could fully appreciate that what we did led to this whole new person, with a personality and attachments and preferences and talents. And the best part? After my body and brain are (hopefully) completely healed, this privilege is granted to my husband and me not just once, but God willing many times over, and I am happy to go through it all again for another tiny human, because in more ways than I have words to say, it is worth it.

[blackmysticinfinite]

(first off: happy new year!) secondly: do you think i should still call myself a christian witch if i hate going to church and can't connect to the bible? i love God so much, but i just don't feel a connection with Them...

Hello!~  A blessed New Year to you as well

For as long as I can remember, it has been hammered into me that “Christianity is not about feeling!  It’s about believing even when you don’t feel anything!”  Which--okay, sure, that might be part of the whole faith thing.  BUT--humans seem to naturally desire connection, some sort of relationship, some sort of meaning.  And if something just isn’t doing it for us, usually we move on.  

That being said, what to do when the feelings aren’t there?  Even, or especially, when we wish they were?  I can’t tell you what to do, but hopefully these thoughts might be helpful!  (I’m a bit of a rambler, so this post will be kind of long.)

1. Sometimes, you end up taking a beak from church.  For about 4 years, I couldn’t go to church.  Panic attacks, sensory overload, feeling unsafe--all of these contributed to me having to take a break from church.  Not to mention the resentment and anger I felt the moment I walked in the door.  I still loved God, still desired a spiritual community, but I felt like I needed to take a personal time out.  

2.  Ask God to help you feel more connected with Them!  I figured that my Sundays were better spent asking God to show/ help me how to deal with all of that bitterness instead of sitting in a pew, hating my neighbor and lashing out at God.  I sincerely doubted if that anger would ever leave me.  I often wondered if I could still call myself a Christian--something that I am still figuring out.  If I felt no real draw toward going to church or reading my Bible, if K-LOVE or other Christian radio stations made me want to vomit--could I still call myself one? 

3.  You’re probably going to have to wait.  If you wonder if God hears you, if you’re not sure if your prayers are working, if you don’t feel anything different--either right away or even after you’ve been praying for a long time--God might be working behind the scenes for a surprise you’ll discover later on.  2014 was about the time that I wanted nothing to do with church stuff or Christian stuff.  I didn’t read my Bible.  And I honestly feared for my soul.  I remembered what it was like to feel close to God--and that didn’t mean sunshine all the time.  I remembered wrestling with some of the worst things I’ve been through, but knowing God was there.  And then it just felt like silence, like distance, no matter how much I prayed for God to make me “more Christian” again.  

4.  Consider new ways to connect with God.  Around 2015 or so, I started to explore “high church”, formal liturgies, and more concrete forms of worship.  This was the beginning of my intentional foray into the realm of craft and practice (witchcraft, magic, etc. for lack of a better term).  To be honest, I still felt over my head with these and it just wasn’t working for me.  But at the same time, I started to embrace parts of myself that I had never known I could love and celebrate before.  I explored my gender identity, my sexuality, my romantic interests.  I put a lot of thought in the type of person I wanted to be, in the types of relationships I wanted to have.   Honesty, openness, forgiveness--these were things I wanted to extend toward others, and which I was learning to allow for myself as well.  

Throughout the years, I have learned that my feeling close to God isn’t so much measured on how often I go to church or read my Bible.  For me, I am better able to measure it by asking myself, How do I think of others who are similar or different from me?  How do I react when I come across information that points to my being wrong, in thought or action?  How easily can I be gracious toward myself, or am I intent on punishing and hating the person God made me to be?  I feel closest to God when I am able to love myself and love others.  Not by how much scripture I have memorized, not by how much theology I know, not by having perfect attendance every time the church doors are open.  

5. Did I mention you would have to wait? Or that the answers might not make sense?  In December of 2017, I felt a strong push from the Spirit.  Take your spiritual life seriously.  That voice was unmistakable.  But what would that look like?  I didn’t go to church, didn’t do daily devotions.  My understanding of myself and my identities was fairly stable.  I knew who I was and what I was about.  But I still didn’t feel like I had a way to really express my faith.  And hadn’t I been asking God for years to help me with this, anyway?  

I went into 2018 hoping to be more intentional about my prayer life, about my attitude toward others.  I still didn’t feel very close to God.  I was overwhelmed by job searching, graduating, moving--and feeling close to God would have been nice.  The church I had been away from for several years--since mid 2014, actually--did a summer series on “Bring Your Own Bible.”  The goal was simple: to give people a way and a reason to open their Bibles just a bit more often.  I attended that series fairly regularly.  

Although I read my Bible a little more, I eventually stopped.  I didn’t feel like I could really grasp anything from those words on the page.  Add to that a growing despair over financial obligations and gallons of discouragement after being turned down for so many jobs, I felt like I had let God down.  

6.  The answer is always both/and.  This is something I tell myself, something I have come to recognize when reflecting back on my own journey.  Whether that’s my faith, my mental health, my physical health, or how my day went--it’s good and bad, all the time.  What I mean is that there will be times when you don’t feel anything, and that’s okay.  There will be moments when you are full of emotion, and that’s okay.  

On this third day of 2019, God has shown me enough for me to keep moving forward on my path.  God has taught me to see Them in ways, times, and places I had never imagined.  I feel close to God when I see certain shades of green, when I drive through the city at night with my windows down and radio up, when I eat a really great meal, when I laugh with my family or friends, when I wash dishes and cook and do laundry, when I read a great book or binge a show on Netflix or watch my favorite movie for the thousand and millionth time.  

One of my spiritual goals for this year is to cultivate a habit of morning and evening prayer.  I didn’t feel like praying this morning.  When I prayed last night, I mostly felt like I was fumbling around in the dark.  Sometimes I avoid talking about my path and what I believe because I feel like I’m lying.  I feel like I don’t make sense, and like I don’t have any evidence to prove that I am what I say.  But God has nudged me, time and time again.  God tells me to look over my shoulder, to examine my journey, and will highlight all the ways that the connection has been there.  

So, let me ask you--What helps you feel connected to God?  Are you open to exploring new ways of experiencing God?  Church attendance and Bible reading are only two measures--and not very great ones, in my opinion--of how “Christian” you are.  God reveals Their beauty and might and majesty in so many glorious ways.  I would encourage you to search and explore, to challenge yourself “How can I see God today?  Where can I find God?”  My journey of faith often feels like a hide-and-seek adventure with the Divine.  But I am found in God every time, and God shows Themselves in more ways than I can keep track of.