#i probably should've put this together right away but i am a fool

[possumkingluca]

so during one of my many rewatches of honor among thieves, during the scene with Marlamin I put something together that I didn't before

SHE FOUND ANOTHER !!!!!!

[nugqueensmind]

☠️

don't know if you want to read this. the thoughts in my mind are pretty horrid - probably all lies - but I've got to let them leave my mind somehow.

☠️

13:18

It's been 5 minutes since you said goodnight and I keep going back to see if you'd message. Why am I checking? It's not like you're gonna message me and make me feel better when you're down - who am I kidding?I'm just gonna give you - your space. If you want us I'll see it when I do. As you said actions speak louder than words.

13:25

are you even asleep?

funny how when you were not in Sydney - you stayed up till 3/4 and be up early the next day - now you can barely stay up past 12 - and sleep longer - maybe you're sick - maybe it's other things - maybe it's being in the same place as her - maybe it's me - but our talking times get shorter each day unless I stay up. It's a two way street if you want things to work out with us - you're the one who is in with something else - so it's really on you. I'm the one who's a fool for holding onto someone that's essentially taken - even if you say you want me. that's it maybe it's all just words. just a way for you to be yourself - your true self - because essentially I'm like a dream right? - I'm just there when you want me to be - you think of me when you want to - when I'm not around - you live your life regardless - so if I'm not around it would make a difference. The 7th floor would hurt - would it take my life? Would I be with you nemo? Finally reunited.

I mean even if you felt like shit this morning - I still tried to give you love - I still try to show I care - and I'm in my own mental battles too but you're letting me dig myself deeper in this hole - I don't know if you're gonna get me to come back. Unless I can change my mindset. Bring the happy thoughts of you back. Because right now all I feel is the darkness - the storm - the heartbreak - the pain I've been feeling since September of 2022- nah 2021 when I made the biggest regret of my life - when I fucked up everything - for us - for you & for me - I should've just stayed - I should've believed COVID was going to pass soon enough and I would see you, hold you, kiss you.

I wish you could hold me. I wish I could feel your love. Goddammit all I wanted today was to feel your love but you were in your own rabbit hole because of me. I'm awful. I'm terrible for you. That's all I can think about. For 17 years maybe there's a reason you've always run away or I have. Maybe it's because we may be soulmates but are soulmates meant to be together? I mean you married someone else. because of me essentially. because I left.

13:46

my stomach is grumbling - probably means I should eat something - I don't want to - I don't have an appetite - looking in the fridge - I can't keep focus on the food - all I'm thinking of is how maybe you really don't want me. how maybe I'm not the one. maybe I'm the problem with all my relationships, friendship, family-ships, maybe everything would be better if I wasn't here anymore. Maybe there's a reason I felt like I never knew what I wanted to be, do, maybe that's why I don't care too much about the world around us, maybe I'm not meant to be here. I'm a failure.

13:50

headphones in - full blast.

13:53

checks telegram - no message

check Snapchat - no message

Maybe he is sleeping? He wouldn't lie to you anymore? Or would he?

14:02

He loves you. He does. Just believe it. He was depressed because he thought you left. Believe it Jen. Just believe it. Don't doubt it. He cried about you. Believe it. Just believe it. Why can't I believe it? Why is it so hard? All I know is I love you too much to walk away again - even if it pains me - even if I overthink - even if I'm the other girl - even if this is just some fling.

14:20

oxytocin - Benjamin A.D

14:43

I should get ready for work. I'm so not in the mood to go and put on a fake smile - let's just smoke one more.

14:48

making you cry makes me feel like a bad person. Did you tell your sister about our fight? did you tell your sister why you were depressed? I wonder what you told your wife. I bet that you didn't even let them see your true emotions - probably just hid it all - like you hide me.

15:15

Officially two hours since you went to "bed" if you are sleeping - I hope you're sleeping well - if you're out - well I hope you're not making bad choices. Why am I doubting that you're not asleep? I know you. You're asleep. Right? well regardless, I've been stopping myself from messaging you or sending you photos - not because I don't want to - just because I'm sad. headphones are in until 18:30 and then service begins - I hope it's a quick night - I just wanna go put my hoodie back on and runaway from reality. Ive been switching between my and your playlist. Evidently, I miss you.

15:25

Yep, definitely miss you. I guess that's why I keep going back to adding to this post.

15:33

just went through all your pictures - twice. I miss you. I miss the way you talk to me when we're good. I miss how many times you tell me you love me, miss me, wish I'd be next to you, how I run laps in your mind, how you just send me some of the sexiest pictures.

16:33

X just dropped off flowers because he thought he did something wrong - he doesn't know that I've been distancing myself because of you. Should I give x a chance? But he doesn't make me happy the way that you do? He doesn't give me the butterflies that you do. I love you.

16:43

I miss you.

17:21

I wish I was with you - I wish I was in bed with you right now - I wish I could tuck your hair behind your ear if it was in your face - I wish I could give you little kisses whilst watching you sleep. I wish I could cuddle you. Hug you.

17:44

I don't know if I can keep going. It's all right there. I can end it. Just think about Lani, Jonathon - potentially - Jade, Levi, Joey, Luna, Leila or Jannick - the future you always wanted.

18:08

If you had to choose - between us - who would you choose?

18:36

Take you higher - leisure.

18:47

Lost my head - Jane Good.

19:26

Complete fucked. Of course everyone decides to show up within seconds of eachother.

21:21

I miss you.

22:10

you haven't messaged yet - you said you'd have your cousin's birthday at 9 but I didn't think that meant you wouldn't message - maybe he's with her, maybe he can't, maybe he doesn't want to anymore, maybe he's done with you, maybe he's tired of your overthinking just like everyone else is.

22:22

He's awake - he messaged. Are things weird? Is it just me? Is he distant? Are we just friends now? Is he pulling away? Do I let him? What do I do? How do I act? Do you still love me? He seems weird - distant - cold. Maybe he's just tired. Maybe he slept on it and realized it's too much and doesn't want to deal with you. Maybe I've always been the problem in every situationship/relationship. Maybe he realized all he wanted was a fling with you. Maybe he'll block you again soon. Maybe I'll just end up alone. Maybe he just wanted you around so you could make him feel good since you shower him with compliments.

22:53

I said goodnight - not because I wanted to - but cause I didn't want my mood to rub off on you especially when you have such an important day. She's probably going with you - I wish it was me. It's a family occasion - she's family you're not - face the reality of it.

23:19

You say that you're just busy getting ready but something still feels weird - off. Your replies are different. You've barely snapped. Not even one I love you. Maybe you're distancing yourself from me.

23:41

& you're gone again. and you'll be off doing whatever - probably not even thinking about me. I should just let you go. You clearly don't want me as much as I want you - I mean clearly, you're with her - and I'm just a secret. Here we go again. I wish you could've made me feel your love - but I didn't today.

I guess I'll just go do what you do and sleep - though I know if I sleep in a bad mood - I wake up in a bad mood - nothing can shake this mood right now - not even you apparently - maybe if you actually had time for me - made time for me - choose me. Fuck. I hate my mind.

Headphones on. Full blast.

00:00

I think I'm lost without you. I never thought I loved you this much.

00:25

I hope things will be different tomorrow. I'm still thinking about you. I love you.

[sauveteen]

like this | s.m

note: so i had this idea, and it isn't really a one shot, just a... concept? if enough people like it/are intrigued i might turn it into a series of slow burn shawn and a soft boy in love. so please lmk if you'd like that! (:

if u like it, just reply & i'll add you to a taglist for chapters wayyy longer than this thingy

“Wha’ d’you mean Aayat likes Noémie?”

“What I just said,” Calum presses, “Aayat. Likes. Noémie. Do I need to spell it out for you? Like in those weddings, all glittery and big on a styrofoam heart? AAYAT WEDS NOÉMIE. SHAWN GETS ROYALLY FUCKED.”

“Shut up,” Shawn seethes, waving his hand around to dismiss his friend, “God, just fucking shut up, Calum.”

“Don't shoot the messenger, dude.”

“M’about to more than shoot you. M’going to…”

“Yeah, think it over,” Calum smirks, bringing his cigarette to his lips, “Your preferred mode of murder is probably tickling. Pussy.”

When Shawn smacks Calum on the head, he simply chuckles, taking a long drag and blowing the smoke back into Shawn's face, who makes a face and leans away, too wasted to do anything else. He feels faint, and not the I'm-drunk-off-my-ass kind, but the numb kind. Like that feeling you get when you know something has gone terribly wrong, and you know there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Nada. Zilch. Probably mourn, though, like Shawn currently is. And then decide to shoot the messenger even further, also like Shawn currently is.

“S’you're telling me..,” Bringing a hand up to his head, he runs a hand through his hair, pushing the unruly curls away from his face. He bites into his bottom lip, really craving another bottle of beer as he says, “That Aayat likes Noémie.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Calum mumbles, shaking his head, already regretting being the one who had to bring this up to him. All of his and Shawn’s friends had had a lengthy debate (sans Shawn, of course) about who would be the one to bite the bullet and just tell it to Shawn like it is. Calum, like the dumbass he is, had volunteered. Volunteered. The others weren't willing to do it even when threatened with a stick up their ass. “Yes, Shawn. The girl you're in love with likes your best friend. There, I said it.”

“Uhh..” Shawn scrunches his face, scoffing, “I'm not in love with her?”

“Sure, dude, whatever you say.”

“I am not in love with her. I'm not. I just… think she's cute. But I'm not in love with her.”

“Maybe saying it enough times will help you fool yourself, huh? Heard that's good strategy.”

“Oh my God, Cal,” Shawn’s head drops to his propped up hands as he mumbles into his palms, “Am I in love with her?”

“Would you get her name tattooed on your right ass cheek?”

Shawn lifts his head to give Calum a weird look, like this isn't something they've discussed before. Calum doesn't think Shawn remembers, though, because he was black out drunk when the gang had sat around a patio table and given their two cents about What is Love? Not like any of them had any sort of worthy experience, whatsoever, but it was fun while it lasted. Shawn's contribution had been on the wilder side, proudly claiming, ‘If I fall in love, I'll get her name tattooed on both ass cheeks.’ Calum’s glad he refrained from drinking that night.

“Would you?”

“No?” Shawn sounds unsure, eyebrows furrowed.

“Then you're not in love,” Comes Calum’s simple reply. He taps his cigarette on the lip of the ashtray, watching the gears slowly turn in his friend's head. He knows he should've broken the news at a better time — perhaps a time when Shawn hadn't downed two glasses of vodka and God knows how many bottles of beers, a time when he at least had some of his mental faculties together. Thing is, though, that Calum is shit with emotions. Had he managed to catch Shawn at just the perfect time and made him cry — which he really, really can't put past Shawn — then he would've also done the shittiest job at consoling his friend.

Now, however, Shawn is barely conscious. Some of his words slur together when he talks, cheeks and the tip of his nose rosy and warm. His actions are delayed, soft, like you're looking at him through a vaseline covered screen. The realisation of what Calum’s telling him takes a while to settle in, and even then, he doesn't really grasp the concept in all its shitty, fucked up glory.

“And Aayat wants me to help her win over Noémie?” Shawn echoes what Calum had told him earlier, blinking dazedly to keep his eyes open.

“And Aayat wants you to help her win over Noémie,” Calum nods, confirming his worst suspicions, "She says no one knows Noémie better than you."

“S’fucked up, man,” Shawn mutters, running a hand over his face. He rubs his eyes while softly shaking his head, repeating, “S’fucked up. S’all fucked up.”

“I mean… it could be worse?”

Shawn's eyes fly up to meet Calum’s at a speed he didn't know was possible, squinted in accusation, “How could it be worse? Lit-eral-lly my worst case scenario. Sure, s’also the fear that I'm way out of her league… but this?” His head tilts to the side, helpless gaze focused on nowhere in particular, “Fuck, dude."

"Maybe this is for the best the best. You could try to.. woo her in the process?"

"Woo her with what? My lanky ass body and average personality? M'only defining character trait s'that I can whistle through my ears. And then there's Noémie... fuck. Mie's just.... Mie. I stand zero chance next to her?"

“I don't think you should be comparing yourself to your best friend. Kinda unhealthy.”

“And I don't care you what you think!” Shawn screeches, wagging his finger in Calum’s face, “I really don't. You've got me fucked up real good here, bud-die. Now shut up.”

“But like…”

“Wha’ d’you not get about.. shutting up?” Shawn mutters, “It's literally so easy. You just.. don't talk.”

“Shawn,” Calum exhales heavily through his nose, dropping his cigarette butt to the ground and crushing it under his shoe, “I know this sucks, but chill the fuck out for a second and listen to me. There's no point wailing like a baby if you won't even remember this tomorrow morning.”

“Morning,” Shawn echoes, muttering to himself, “I am mourning.”

“No — morning. Like sunrise, morning. Like AM morning.”

“Yeah, AM,” Shawn muses, “Aayat Mendes.”

“Sometimes I wonder why I bother,” Calum mumbles, and then reminds himself why. He bothers because he loves his friends, and he loves Shawn, and if ever found himself in a situation like this, he'd want his friends to try and console him. The only difference would be the fact that his friends are good at consoling, unlike Calum, who wants to punch anyone who shows any sort of emotion in the throat.

Sometimes he thinks his violent tendencies stem from being around a bunch of meatheads. And then he reminds himself that he's also around Aayat and Shawn just as often, and if their soft asses can't influence him, then nothing can.

“Hey, you,” Calum leans over the table, putting a pause in Shawn's mumbling by softly poking him in the chest, “Now you listen to me.”

Shawn gives him a half hearted hum in reply, pretending to focus his gaze on his friend while his mind wanders. Makes up scenarios. He almost throws up when a picture of Aayat and Noémie holding hands is conjured up in his head. Holding hands — not even kissing, or making out, or sleeping together — just holding hands like two middle schoolers too afraid to do anything else. Or two people in love — that makes Shawn's stomach turn. So yeah, perhaps he is a goner. Perhaps he will die alone with no one no to care for him. Perhaps Calum is shouting in his face right now, and so he really should try to focus.

“....And so what if they're sleeping together, you know? Fucking doesn't equal feelings, believe me—”

The scream that leaves Shawn's lips then has Calum tumbling off his lawn chair, chin hitting the edge of the patio table in the process. His body hits the ground with a loud thud, and groaning, he makes absolutely no effort to get back up.

Shawn's head peeks under the table, eyebrows on the top of his face. Pink, swollen lips parted in surprise. His grip on the table is strong, knuckles turning white in the process as he screeches, “They're also fucking?!”

“I thought you knew that!”

“Does my reaction make you think I knew that!” Shawn all but roars, nudging Calum’s shin with his pointy shoe.

“Everybody fucking knew!”

“Fuck this shit, Calum,” Shawn shakes his head, holding his hand out to help him up, “Fuck everything. And fuck Aayat.”

“Oh, we all know you want to.”

Shawn lets Calum’s hand go and watches his head hit the ground again, a loud shout of protest following soon after, “Dude, fuck you too!”

“Life already has.”

if you're confused please read this!