#i never really ever rp with him like that and thats a shame

[random-cat]

💧random angst headcanon for Ace :3

In his canon story his nightmares start off as just memories of his childhood but slowly changes to make up scenarios where he fails his team and it causes him to bottle up his emotions more and hide away from the people who truly care for him. They start after he gets his ass whooped for the first time. Since he is the only human he does realize that he is a liability. And it scares him. He just jokes it off with the others tho.

This is subjected to change as the story processes more

[delbeugre]

Have you seen SADIE BEUGRE? DEL is in HER/THEIR SENIOR year. The MATHEMATICS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say SHE/THEY are GRITTY, BEWITCHING, RETICENT and WASPISH. Rumors say they’re a member of HASTINGS. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE BIT AN EX-BOYFRIEND’S PINKY FINGER OFF AFTER SHE FOUND OUT HE CHEATED, AND THEN HAPPILY SERVED TIME FOR IT.

im tommy im a freak and of course i am here to get freakalicious with u all... this is my newest frankenstein type creation named sadie i know .02% about her yet but i am more than confident she will b nothing but a fun time! like this if ur down to plot!

TW: VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF JAIL/PROSECUTION, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, DRUG USE

BACKSTORY

capricorn sun / virgo moon / scorpio rising

raised by her uncle Big (his name) who is a hermit shut in town local in the depths of the florida marshland like some goosebumps protagonist. hes gone far past socially acceptable in terms of his ability to connect with the modern person but is wise beyond belief... his whole vibe is a warped cross between a cryptid and a mountain man that forages and cooks neighborhood plants. married for 27 years before his wife passed from illness. its quite possibly the only thing hes ever been emotional about

but dels entry to his life throws a wrench in his sadness (despite abandonment being what they bond over). she takes the focus away from his loss with her presence; her dad, his brother, died in a tragic train-car collision around the same time (which is speculated to be a suicide bt nobody can ever really be sure). he was a single parent so her custody is thrown up in the air for a few months as cps decides what they r gna do with this freshly orphaned little scrapper

she just kinda turns up on his doorstep n from there they cohabit a space. shes arnd 6-7 at this time... big never seemed to b phased by the fact tht she was a child n tended to treat her more like an apprentice or guest. he was never close to her father because of their age difference, being the older out of the two, so to have his daughter become his responsibility is just..... weird

this doesnt mean that he wouldnt provide for her bt it was. not very parental whatsoever.... no conversation or interaction beyond what was necessary. she was a mute fr a while and still is? to a degree.... very short spoken

when she got to her preteens he offered her an allowance in exchange for little odds and ends of stuff to be taken care of around the house. errands n all tht.... sometimes he wld purposefully leave things for her to pick up n take care of without mentioning it for a bonus. taught her the importance of saving your money and the horrid corruptness of a society basing everythings worth off paper. big exposed her to a lot of knowledge and took advantage of her silent curiosity by fueling it with books, homeschooling, life skills (catching a fish, setting a trap, knowing your berries in the woods...... the works)

her teens carried out the same way bt with the introduction of a real job, a spot down at the local butcher shop checking people out at the register and helping around the back of house. del knows a great deal abt cow/pig/chicken/etc anatomy from her years here..... she committed to being 100% vegan into her early twenties because of her trauma frm this occupation

it paid very well tho n was the best gig she was going to get within a reasonable biking route from home. so she settled!

the plan wasnt to keep it up for long anyway. she worked rly hard for her spot at yates and didnt intend to ever screw herself over. her plan was to get her bachelors, masters, become a professor, pursue a personal hobby of agriculture and build an elaborate greenhouse to live in

bt things happen..... 

some 35yr old douche with a green thumb woos her at a gardening store n swoops in to teach her a little more abt romance; all of this, of course, under the guise that he had all these tips and tricks for living environmentally friendly. a lame hippie wannabe that shouldve never even approached her bt alas.... he did

love is a touchy subject n it hadnt been something she set her sights on, but she was interested in wht this dude could teach her n at 19 she ended up falling in love. she delayed her education to stay an extra year back home and work out another plan which included him

this was very disappointing to her uncle bt he didnt have anything to say abt it. it was never parental before n it was never going to be, so this was another lesson she wld just have to overcome on her own

it turns out that she doesnt care for infidelity. when the confession comes out its met with a lot of screaming, bawling, blistering white hot anger. the whole incident is blacked out of her mind to b honest....

matters of the heart are no longer something to concern herself with because of the repercussions of her rash behavior regarding heartbreak O________O she spent a year in jail n still has to attend therapy / anger management meetings

deep down she is still hurting. there was a lot of pain... bt the sadness is not over the loss of some noob. she is in a state of constant disappointment, detaching from herself out of shame. putting her own life on pause only for it to turn out like that? stupid stupid stupid... 

PERSONALITY

chugging along! tldr spectre-like swamp nymph aura with the slightest (not so slight) unhinged feral tendencies

delicate like a moth resting in the gleam of a flashlight.... her anger singes her wings when shes too comfortable staying in one place, so theres always constant stimulation, always shifting gears. shes prone to feeling threatened; that being said, sadie is wary of walking in crowds, a little bit skittish when approached without making eye contact beforehand. like a small grey kitten..... in a big wide world

has a hard time keeping a conversation bt is very interested in debate, and even more so in studying alongside someone in complete silence. it reminds her of home in the same sense tht her uncle wld nudge her to keep reading by always having his own book open

doesnt have many friends and is alright with that. rumors are tht she is still a virgin bt who really knows? not i...... bt i wldnt be surprised if this was true. shes not impressed by people nor material items so this whole yates crowd is a turn off

she is truly clueless when it comes to how to behave around anyone her age. i think she understands but it just doesnt compute. she could come off as impolite bt it is just standoffishness? some people cld try to crack her but i dont think even she knows what that would be, or what that would look like. even in her one (1) failed relationship it was never deep heart to hearts or sharing dinner..... solitude is her realm

del is very comfortable with herself, very open with her wardrobe! doesnt leave too much to the imagination? she appreciates the human experience n expresses that thru this whole “body is a temple” type thing.... not quite confidence, but proudness of being. has gotten multiple notices frm professors for her tops being too sheer, nylons too ratted up, etc. has dirt under her fingernails half the time, chipped polish, some chapstick. smudges her eyeshadow on with her fingers

doesnt smoke cigarettes all too often but is dependent on weed. it kinda perpetuates her paranoid demeanor bt at the same time it keeps her lax enough to be able to mentally handle city life

her room is a playground for huge monstera plants, christmas cacti, ivy creeping along the doorway. she sleeps on a tiny thin mattress on the floor with a linen sheet and has her books stacked up on the ground next to it to hold her ashtray. the whole thing is dumb empty

takes her studies seriously and pinches every penny she can..... she has never ordered herself a coffee frm somewhere before, ordered food frm a restaurant... nothing. i wld think the most she would branch out from harvesting everything on her own is buying a bag of sunflower seeds frm a gas station, but even then, she much prefers eating stuff she grows herself. has a tomato plant, some basil beginning to sprout, etc.... manageable crops for any college students tiny space

...

bt yea thats it thats all! connections cld be all over the place. im legit open to anything. theres only a few tht come to mind right off that bat: 

a few people that get along with her? same classes? they shared a bowl n now theyre getting into the nitty gritty of some personal conversation that is veering into no mans land....

some sort of clueless makeover moment? arent rly into sadie as a person bt see a lot of potential... perhaps need a plus one to a party on the fly and figure thats the best option theyve got

crushes? this wld be fun n potentially dangerous! like playing with a hot cast iron pan or something :)

again im vry new to rp so i wld like to leave a lot of stuff up to chemistry, brainstorming n stuff like that, but please consider everything on the table! what i hav mentioned is the tip of the iceberg im so burnt out n i wrote a lot more than i intended to i am so sorry but i promise i am friendly

[lipvincent]

hi im samuel i am feral and excited 2 write with u all . its been a minute since ive hopped on tumblr for a bit of the ol rp..... but ill give this lil personal rundown a shot

i live in beautiful sunny california baby....... soaking in the rays Mmmm-mmm life is good . im 20 n i like to eat plain oatmeal and prunes therefore my diet is that of a 90 yr old and i think thats very sexy of me . lip is a brute and rly doesnt deserve to b liked whatsoever...... lets get on w tha show...

CIS-MALE — ever hear people say PHILIP GLASPY-VINCENT looks a lot like FINN COLE? I think HE is about 24, so it doesn’t really work. The HEAD OF A DEALING RING is here because HE’S LOCKED DOWN UNTIL HE CAN FIND BETTER SOURCES FOR HIS STOCK and they are from NEW JERSEY. They can be RESOLUTE, but they can also be DEPRAVED. I think LIP might be TIER 3 SHEPARD. 

TW: DIVORCE, SUICIDE

phillip glaspy-vincent . heir to his gross fathers throne . ultimate douchebag and product of a bad decision gone extra wrong . half-brother to another delinquent

crimelord gangster mikey v had an affair w the wife (nora beatrice glaspy) of some hotshot politician staking out his competition fr a week in ny . big meeting of big men with national notoriety . nora took the pregnancy home n tried to pass the baby as her husbands son . worked fr a while until it didnt... around the age of three, poor sap puts the pieces together after a visit to the doc turns south . its a rough time for everyone involved

divorce comes swiftly and without mercy . tears up their marriage . the press crushes his mothers reputation and shreds her self esteem in countless records of newspaper shaming and petty broadcast reports . its humiliating n they end up moving from manhattan to a far off district in new jersey, holed up in the only apartment she can afford (and is struggling to consistently secure rent checks for) . lots of government disputes, money problems, etc

TW: SUICIDE

hes six when his mom takes a bath that lasts a little too long . walks in on her and shes already dead . the blade is rested on the edge of the bathtub and is collected by the police once he works up the courage to dial 911 . chides himself to this day for takin so long because he was covered in his own snot on some nicotine stained tile in the middle of who knows where…. n now his whole lifes been hollowed out to tha flippin core . he hasnt cried since then and frankly ? i dont think hes going to unless he is actually throwing a goddamn tantrum.... which he has the tendency of doing

authorities track down his only living biological parent . in comes mikey fr round two . they drop lip off like a poorly delivered fedex package…. be careful! fragile! bt none of tht shit is heeded in the slightest so does it even fcking matter? hes raised alongside his half sister n though they have varying personalities n clashing morality…. they actually get along quite well n are stable sources of support fr each othr on a daily basis

mikey is as hes expected to b . terrible guy . head of the dealing ring which lip is taking over on the downlow nowadays . hes real good at it n models after his father in being a snake oil salesman….. slowly picking up the slack n is becoming one sadistic yung man w a taste for nothing bt horrible news . he doesnt realize hes taking on characteristics of his dad and doesnt want to in the first place bc its the last thing he ever aspired to end up like . he is vry bitter abt it and by being somewhat aware of his dickish behavior it accelerates the process of becoming Even More of a Dick

he wears a lot of suits bt dresses them down….. plain t-shirts n black trousers . has two big white dogs that he walks around w sometimes and they arent vry nice & have to have muzzles on them 24/7 (nobody knows where tha fuck they go when he isnt walking them… fair to assume his buds take care of them for him) . still plays neko atsume . has buried more bodies than hell ever admit . talks to everybody like they are his absolute bitch . adores lesley gore and ballroom dancing . has driven a car into a lake on multiple occasions to show crazed dominance over the rest of his posse whom follow him around n tend to come in 3s (notable names r sweeney, klautz & don) . carries a gun w religious symbols on it…….. kinda like in leo dicaprios romeo + juliet (keeps tht sucker under his pillow tho…… fr everybodys safety) . wears ski masks most of tha time and gets attached to ppl really easily but would never admit it . hes kind of like a date? the fruit…. except a sour date with a mushy pit and the skin sticks to ur teeth when u bite into it. a date gone rotten . a rotten date :)

anyway . this is supr rushed . blease………. 

i vant all ze connections n that isnt an exaggeration in the slightest im a hongry little stinker so give em UP!!!!!!! give this post a like n ill come barreling towards u without mercy POW POW POW like that....

[dunamanticarchivist]

Critical Role C2E34 side notes

Ok that episode left me super pumped. I mean usually I don’t stop thinking about the episode until the evening where I go for a swim and stuff. But today? Nah I won’t stop thinking until I write. Write. Write. Same compulsion that made me start this lil blog. 

Whew ok, going to do a thorough mental recap without referring of what the actual living fuck happened today. So obviously, super spoilers, look away if shy

Tortle NPC bard. Super cool Cajun accent. Mild stuttering. Shellpipes. Good info dump at the bar.

ASHLEY IS BACK. That was definitely a treat

Yasha still being secretive as ever. A combination of RL needs and RP I think. 

Fjord getting a lead on Sabien. 

Beau’s inner Traci coming out. Disturbing. Cute. The Bjeaus have been working out on their people skills. 

Caleb casting suggestion on Nott to overcome fear? Not sure if well intention-ed nudge, or overbearing manipulation. Little of both or in between perhaps. Well placed narratively for sure

Yasha strong. Jester strong. Beau also pretty ripped. This is a series with very strong women. Not just representation. But literally strong women. 

Frumpkin = Octupus. Familiars must be a DMs worst nightmare

Mini water elemental fight. Easy peasy. (I believe Tal’s cleric warded off a critical hit with his feature,  and cursed another with vulnerability, both were super cool) They didn’t rest. Fair enough, maybe just a casual scouting mission

ABORT ABORT ABORT NOT CASUAL

Creeper has a water genie at his command. With a water elemental at its command. Also 2 dwarf guards. Hard fight ahead

Fjord’s bampf-ing act (misty step into thunder step) is the coolest thing I have been dreamed of seeing and actually happened. Asdfkhugiglhweuf I mean, Fjord has got to be my favourite character now (except when he goes shopping)

Well but then Caleb sends a fireball and just nukes half the underground chamber. 

Golly that marid has the spellcasters on lock-down. Nasty encounter for Mr Clay, yo-yo-ing between states of consciousness. 

Jester actually heals? And now has a razor edged lollipop of doom. Dangerous. 

Yasha steadily chopping her way through the elemental and finally slaying it takes a lot of the pressure off. Not particularly complex. But definitely helpful. 

Fjord really going for the mvp plays with Hunger of Hadar pinning Algar and his guards (RIP dwarves 25 ft movement with difficult terrain + dragging -> movement / 4) Note to self, do not employ dwarven guards if you hope for them to haul your ass out of the fire. Or dark inky tentacles. 

And then he follows up with eldritch blasts to the face, a tormented spectre and finally chopping off the poor sod’s hand. Very intimidating (which he is proficient in btw). Definitely don’t want to be on the side he is not. RIP Sabien when Mr Vore finds you. 

Admittedly he could have wrestled the bracelet off. And I have seen discussions whether this makes him bad or good. At the time I simply thought it was narrative-ly convenient (Beau had him pinned so he could not willingly remove it) + it was a greater guarantee than attempting to force a tight bracelet off Algar’s hand. Still super cool.

Interesting question would be what they want to do with Algar, assuming the Marid (whose name I will never be able to spell) doesn’t just murder him outright. That would be rather convenient for the Nein though. Rogue elemental pet kills master and guards. Oh well, thats what you get when you mess with magic. Would be hard to explain the missing hand though. 

But keeping him alive? He is going to nurse that grudge like a century old whiskey. Agonizing over his phantom hand. Cursing the sea-faring half-orc and all things aquatic. Dangerous. 

“ If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” -Niccolo Machiavelli

At this point, they probably need to dump them into the sea (bad idea, its a port town they’ll find his body in no time). Or have Caduceus do his thing and obliterate all evidence. After they squeeze all information out of him I suppose. 

And of course they’ll need to convince the Marid to leave them, alive. Because they are not in a good place for a fight. Caduceus and Caleb has low tweens amount of HP, Fjord and Beau have taken some hits and are cleaned out of slots and Ki points. Caleb and Jester have burned some of their highest spell slots. Yasha could potentially hold it up while Jester gets the rest up to fighting shape. But this is the Marid’s home turf essentially. They do not want to be fighting here I think.

I want to be frustrated with Matt for leaving it off at that point. But cliffhangers are meant to build suspense. And they’ve been running for 5 hours at that point. And since cliffhangers are good for a show if well done, im glad and excited it turned out that way. Shame about the 2 weeks wait for the next episode though. 

Edit:  My god I’m so glad to be mistaken, I'm at GMT +8 so I watch critrole on friday so assumed the one shot would replace critrole. So no 2 week wait. HYPEEEEE

[greencapitation-blog]

may i put my url here ?? ;o

[It’s the maaatter of opiinion]

my opinion on; dapperishly

character in general: (im choosing hatty, black hat, and peppermint butler, because they’re your most memorable muses for me.) I never finished battleb.lock theater, but I did spoil the ending for myself! Spoilers: I think Hatty is one fun little dapper man. Black Hat is just shamelessly evil while also being the grumpy horror grandpa. Extra crunchy fun time. Peppermint Butler! Now THATS a guy I can talk about. Ranking as one of my top 5 favorite AT characters, i could probably go on for 15 minutes straight about why I like him. But to keep it short: Yes yes yes yes I think Pepbut is AWESOME.how they play them: I already said this before, but you write the dialogue for Hatty so well that I can hear Stampers voice without having heard it directly in like, 3 years.I like seeing your Black Hat in action, because you do NOT shy away from how evil he is. Props to you, man. I don’t get to see enough of your Peppermint Butler and honestly that is the biggest shame ever.  But from what I’ve seen, you NAIL IT.the mun: How do I put this….Ur very fun to talk to and people that are intimidated by you know NOTHING. 

do i;

follow them: Yepprp with them: Maybe like, once.want to rp with them: Mm hm.ship their character with mine: n. no? I don’t see any characters that would work with anyway haha.

what is my;

overall opinion: You run a multimuse blog and manage to portray every character really well that takes a lot of skill. ALSO thanks for letting me be on the server?? Bc of you I got like, way more friends(including you) and it’s pretty sweet.

[anodyne-sunflower]

Eddie K. May RP-(Part 4) Last part

~Eddie/Nova~

She finally got all the blood out and continued her cycle of being a cliche heartbroken girl. She stayed clear of the alcohol. She had learned her lesson. This had been going on for a few days and she kept feeling worse and worse. She missed her best friend. So, she got up, showered, put on clothes and some makeup and made her way out to her car. The sun burned her eyes from being inside for so long but the fresh air did feel nice. She got in and buckled up and made her way to Eddie’s. She parked in her usual spot. Her feet carried her up to his door. Thats when the panic and nervousness set in. She hesitantly knocked on his door.

******************************

Eddie was lying on his couch, shirtless, jeans unbuttoned and hair a complete mess above his head. The past few days had been a complete blur to him. It was nothing but drinking, smoking, even dabbling in some harder drugs that took the edge off. Not to mention the steady rotation of women he had coming. He was sure one just left not so long ago. He assumed it was her at the door, and he debated letting her stand out there instead of letting her in. He pulled the cigarette from his lips, coughing slightly as he took another drag. He blew the smoke out, rubbing his bloodshot eyes as he rose from the couch and placed his boots on.

He unlocked the door, opening it up and stared in shock at the woman standing before him. But, just as quickly as his surprise came, his usual smug self was back. He leaned against the doorframe, smoke hanging from his lips as he spoke. “He get tired of you already?”

***********************************

Nova looked up at him, shifted from one leg to another and fiddled with her fingers out of nervousness. He looked rough and he reeked of smoke and his eyes were red. She looked down at her feet.

“I made him leave after you did.” She said quietly. She didn’t really know what else to say so she kinda rambled.

"I-I was never going to go out with him again. We all saw how that ended.” The silence made her uncomfortable. She bit her lip to stop from her continuous talking.

********************************

"Ain’t that a fuckin’ pity.” Eddie scoffed, taking another drag as he opened the screen door and let her in. He turned around on the heel of his boot, plopping back down on the couch as she took a seat. The living room was littered in beer cans, empty Jack Daniel’s bottles, and cigarette butts. Not to mention condom wrappers. Eddie had fell back into his self destructive ways, something Nova managed to draw him out of long ago. “So whatcha want this time, darlin’?”

***************************************

"You’ve gotten bad again.” She stated quietly, observing the sea of empty alcohol containers, cigarette butts and, what caused Nova to physically flench, condom wrappers. She inhaled and exhaled deeply and went to cleaning up, ignoring the condom wrappers. She went over and placed some glass bottles on his countertop.

"I miss you. We’re best friends or, I guess were. I probably ruined that.” She said the last part to herself. She busied herself by wiping down the counter.

**************************************

"I ain’t ever been good, darlin’.” Eddie closed his eyes, mumbling to himself as she began to clean up his mess. He didn’t feel like talking, much less about his behavior. “You didn’t answer my fuckin’ question. What are you doing here?” Yeah, she missed him, but what did she expect to gain from coming here? He couldn’t understand why she would, he did a number on her boy toy, and now here she stood, tail between her legs and talking about missing him and shit.

************************************

“Fine, you’ve gotten worse then bad. Happy?” She sighed and stilled her hand. Nova turned around slowly. She was getting annoyed with him. She was sure he could hear it in her voice.

"Why did you have to start a fight? I get he was a dick but come one Eddie, It wasn’t anything to fight about.” She was exasperated. Nova grabbed a glass and filled it with water. She figured he hadn’t had anything to drink except for alcohol. She placed it on the coffee table in front of him.

************************************

"Nothing to fight about?” Eddie sat up at that, flicking his cigarette into the floor and crushing it under his boot. “That fuckin’ prick riled me the fuck up, sweetheart. He had it comin’.” And it was the truth. James deserved far worse than he had given him, but he held back for Nova’s sake. “He should count his blessin’s that you stopped me.” He eyed the water, ignoring the offer and propping his boots up on the table instead.

************************************ 
"No he didn’t Eddie. You did more than enough. He riled you up. Big deal. A punch would be was enough. You did overkill.” She flopped on the couch and let her head lean over the back of it. She sighed at him ignoring the water. He was stubborn and damn proud.

"Eddie drink the damn water. You are probably dehydrated.” She snapped and rubbed her temples.

"I’m sorry just-what can I do?”

************************************

"Why you always defended him?” Eddie looked over at her, brows furrowed in confusion. The guy all but hurt her and she never seemed to think ill of him. “I bet you helped him lick his fuckin’ wounds up, too. Tsk.” He clicked his tongue, getting up and heading to the kitchen for another beer. He grabbed one from the fridge, popping it open and taking a huge chug. He wiped his lip of the foam, eyes stuck on Nova as she lay on the couch. “You remind me of her…” He couldn’t stop from chuckling bitterly. “Always picking the wrong fuckin’ men.”

**************************************

"Eddie I don’t always defend him. He was awful to do what he did to be but you didn’t need to beat him up over it.” She scoffed, “I kinda did have to make sure he wasn’t dying, so yes I cleaned him up. Is that a crime?” She rolled her head to the side to look at him having another beer. Nova’s eyebrows furrowed and she frowned.

"Who’s her?” She decided to ignore his last comment. She already knew how he felt about her past beaus and she certainly didn’t need to hear it again.

********************************* He rolled his eyes at her scolding, as if he didn’t have a good reason to beat the crap outta him. James could go fuck himself for all he cared, broken nose and all. “He got his ass kicked, let him fend for his fuckin’ self next time.” Eddie crushed the beer can in his hand, throwing it behind his shoulder, not even caring if it missed the trash can. He didn’t realize what he said, not until she asked about a certain someone. Eddie gazed up at her, eyes betraying the calm demeanor he currently tried to put out. Who was her, huh? Well fuck him for even bringing it up. With a solemn smile, he looked down, whispering. “No one…”

************************************

She stayed quiet, observing him. Nova sighed, got up, and picked up his beer can and threw it away herself. She looked up at him. His eyes, she had never seen him like this. They were always happy and playful and generally light. Now though, they were dark and sad. Nova made her way over to him and brought her small hand up to cup the side of his face. She stared up at him, her face sad.

"She’s not no one.” She said softly, “I-you don’t have to tell me. I just, I can see that it’s hurting you and I don’t understand and I want to understand.” Nova pleaded. She brought her hand down and wrapped her arms around Eddie’s waist in a tight hug. Her head rested against his chest where his heart was.

***********************************

Eddie didn’t move, he stayed silent as she hugged him, and he kept his arms leaned against the counter as she urged him to realize this wasn’t good for him. But, Glenda was someone he locked away in the back of his memories. Not to say she didn’t pop up often in his thoughts, but thinking of her only made his heart ache in ways he hated. It was a moment in time he let himself crumble before a person, only to have it thrown back in his face.

“I loved her…”

He blurted out, staring straight ahead, fixating on a spot in the wall. But, between his buzzed state and her hug, he was slowly coming undone.

“I gave that woman everything, and in return I got…”

He held his breath, licking his lips as tears began to form behind his eyes.

“I got my heart ripped right the fuck out…”

**********************************

Nova looked up to see the tears in Eddie’s eyes and it broke her heart. She had never seen him cry before. Whoever this girl was really did a number to him. She pulled him gently to the couch and sat with her back against the armrest. She pulled Eddie to her and guided his head to rest in the crook of his neck. She knew Eddie wasn’t a cuddle person but with him like this she couldn’t help but want to hold him.

"Oh Eddie, I’m so sorry.” She said quietly and brushed her fingers through his hair trying to give him some comfort.

**************************************

He wasn’t really registering what was happening, not until she cradled him in her arms and apologized for things that weren’t even her fault to begin with. Everything was crashing down on him again, and as she hushed him and stroked his hair he bolted from her arms, wiping at his face and giving her a look that spoke volumes of his shame.

“Forget it, darlin’. Water under the fuckin’ bridge.”

He played it off like nothing. As was his M.O. He hated emotions, he hated sharing them, and he hated pity most of all. But, coming from Nova, he knew it was genuine, yet he couldn’t bring himself to break down in front of her.

************************************

"Sometimes it helps talking.” Nova suggested weakly although she knew he probably wouldn’t. She stayed put on the couch, drumming her fingers on her thighs. She hated seeing Eddie like this.

"It’s ok to cry you know.” She tried again but she knew it was in vain. She looked up at him with big, sad eyes.

"I am so sorry. You don’t deserve it.” Nova sighed out. Eddie was one of the best people she knew. Sure he was rough around the edges and he had his faults but he was an amazing friend.

*********************************

Eddie reached for the half empty pack of cigs on the table, lighting one quickly and closing his eyes as it calmed his nerves. He pulled it from his lips, looking over at Nova with a raised eyebrow. “Don’t deserve it, huh? You’d be the first to say that.”

He shrugged it off, ignoring all her advice and once again bottling it all up. Some people aren’t meant to change, and he was hellbent on being one of them. He sighed heavily, scratching at his chest as he regarded her with a sense of sadness. “Listen…”

He shifted on the sofa, facing her completely now, and trying his damn best to be serious despite the alcohol and nicotine running through his system.

“I ain’t perfect, darlin’. I’m far from it. And I sure as hell don’t apologize for the shit I’ve done in my life, or the shit I will do in the future.”

He gave her a half hearted smile, taking a quick drag before finishing his confession.

��But, I regret hurting you. And any man who manages to tame that goddamn heart of yours should count himself blessed by the fuckin’ good lord for it.”

***************************************

Nova watched him light up a cigarette. She hated to admit it but she missed him blowing the smoke in her face. Nova scooted closer to Eddie with her legs criss crossed and she stared up at him. His half hearted smile almost broke her heart all over again. Nova’s heart beat faster at his confession. She didn’t quite know when she had fallen in love with Eddie. Her feelings for him had been growing and growing over the course of their friendship. Nova didn’t quite know what love was but if she had to guess, it would be Eddie. She took a deep breath and looked in in the eyes, her body shaking slightly in preparation for her confession.

"Then you should count yourself blessed.”

************************************

Eddie was halfway into a drag of smoke before he stopped, his eyes turning quickly to stare upon Nova. She was looking away now, blushing softly after having just confessed. To say he was taken back was an understatement. Sure, he had suspected she felt more for him than she originally let on, but after James and being absent for days…he assumed he was actually wrong. Now? Well, now he was thrown for a loop.

He stared, dumbfounded, cigarette between his fingers, polluting the air with a steady steam of smoke as he blinked. It took him a moment, but then he scoffed, lips stretching into a wide grin.

“Fuckin’ hell…”

He shook his head, slowly putting the smoke back to his lips.

“You are somethin’ else. You know that, darlin’?” He smiled at her, lifting a hand and brushing some strands of curly hair from her face.

***************************************

Nova looked away after her confession, her face growing hot and she held her breath. She heard him curse and she moved her head slightly to look at him, cigarette smoke still coming out of his mouth in a very attractive way. Nova’s heart skipped a beat when she saw him grin. There was her Eddie. His grin was contagious and she found her self smiling with him. Her eyes followed his hand as he put his cigarette in his mouth to take a drag, her eyes fixated on his lips. Her eyes snapped up to his eyes when he began talking.

"I know.” She smirked and then Nova closed her eyes at the feeling of his hand brushing some hair off her face. ***************************************

Eddie took in her features, smirking as she blushed even more just from his touch. “You really got it bad, don’t ya?” He chuckled, leaning in closer and running his fingertips along her cheek. He could tease her all day, truthfully. But, after everything they’d gone through, she deserved better than that today.

His fingers dipped lower on her face, running over her lips and jaw until his eyes came up to meet hers. They held something in them, something that was there before and while Eddie still wasn’t completely versed in what he wanted as far as loved went, it was obvious he felt at least something.

***************************************

"Maybe just a little.” Nova gave a small smile. She loved the way Eddie’s rough hands felt as he softly caressed her face. She hummed and looked at him, her lips parted slightly when he ran his fingers over her bottom lip and tilted her head up slightly as he traced her jawline. She brought her hand up and placed it over Eddie’s. Nova didn’t expect him to be so upfront about his feelings. Eddie was Eddie. She knew there was something there. She knew that he knew.

*************************************

Eddie looked down at her lips, and as he brushed his thumb over them he decided what the hell. He leaned down, pressing his mouth firmly against Nova’s as he finally caved into the attraction he felt. Whatever came of this, whatever happened, he didn’t think about. He was never one to over think things anyway.

***********************************

Nova gasped slightly when she felt Eddie’s soft lips press against hers. Her eyes slid shut and she moved her hand to the back of his head and buried her fingers in his hair. God she loved his hair. It was usually hidden under his hat and once he took it off it was a mess. A wonderful, beautiful, soft mess. She pulled him closer to her and their lips moved together. Nova’s head buzzed from his scent and this kiss took her breath away.

************************************

Maybe it was the alcohol, hell maybe it was just his need to feel comfort and affection on his own terms, but right now he just goddamn about melted into that kiss. He started moving forward, hands grasping her shoulders and pushing her down onto the couch as he hovered over her. He pulled away for a second, licking his lips and looking down at her through darkened eyes.

**********************************

Nova felt herself being pushed down on the sofa, she could feel Eddie’s body heat over her, his legs on either side of her waist. He pulled away and Nova looked up at him with half lidded eyes. Her mouth opened slightly, her taking deep breaths. Her lips tingled and they were wet from Eddie’s kiss.

*************************************

He didn’t bother with words right now, last thing he wanted was her taking what he said the wrong way and marching out of his life again. All negative thoughts aside, he needed her right now. Terribly. His mind and body ached for intimacy, and damn if she didn’t look good right now, lying under him, bedroom eyes and all.

Eddie lowered back down, brushing his lips across hers as he wasted no time in pushing his jeans down a bit. He pawed at her clothing, removing everything until she was lying gloriously bare beneath him.

**************************************

Both Nova and Eddie laid on the couch, breathing heavily with a sheen of sweat covering their bodies. She felt blissfully happy but she didn’t want to assume anything with Eddie. She rolled off the couch and stood on shaky legs. Nova grabbed Eddie’s shirt and slipped it on, only buttoning it half way up. She walked over to Eddie’s kitchen and grabbed herself a glass of water, taking a few sips before walking back over to the couch and sitting down. She set her drink on the table and grabbed his pack of cigarettes before he could. She grabbed one and lit it up, taking a drag. She wasn’t a big smoker, mostly social. But one thing she found was it was satisfying to have one after sex.

**********************************

Eddie had his eyes on her the entire time, and he’d by lying if he said he wasn’t completely perplexed by the entire change in their relationship. Not just friends, yet not quite lovers. The entirety of their friendship was built on common likes, dislikes, hell the first time he met her was at a party, getting drunk as shit and passing out inside his truck.

It was the best of first impressions, but she accepted him anyway, without so much as a scolding. He admired her for it, even loved her like a friend for it. Now? He was lost. Losing her wasn’t an option, he clearly had no way to properly deal with losing the one person in his life that actually wanted to be around him. But, he couldn’t lie, and couldn’t make promises he couldn’t keep. Not to her. She deserved far better than anything he had to offer, except maybe his honesty.

He laid his head in her lap when she sat back down, his arm over his eyes as he willed away the effects of the alcohol and drugs in his system. Truthfully, getting laid always put him in a relaxed mood, but he tried not to give in to the exhaustion. “You bummin’ smokes off me again?” He smiled, peeking from under his arm as she playfully hit his shoulder. She was pretty, he observed, prettier than he remembered anyway. Funny how emotions can seriously cloud judgement. “Hey…” he paused, wanting to say all the words bouncing around his broken mind.

********************************

Nova blinked in surprise when Eddie laid down in her lap, his arm over his face. She hesitantly started running her fingers through his hair, not knowing if this was too intimate for him. She leaned back against the back of the couch and took another drag of her, well technically Eddie’s, cigarette. She grinned down at him, blowing some smoke in his face like he usually did to her, in response to his question.

"Whatcha thinkin’ about so hard, cowboy?” She hummed.

********************************

His expression was worried, because he wasn’t entirely sure how she’d handle his next statement. “Listen, darlin’…” He moved up from her lap, sighing as he leaned back into the couch. “When I said you were perfect for me, I wasn’t lyin’…you are damn near meant for me.”

Eddie smiled at her, throwing his arm behind the couch as he scooted closer.

“But, I can’t promise where any of this will lead. I make a lot of fuckin’ mistakes.” He laughed, almost disappointed with himself for them all. “But, if you’re willin’ to give me a chance, I promise to try and do right by ya…”

**************************************

She laid her cheek on the arm Eddie had wrapped around her. Nova stared up at him with tender eyes and she pulled his other arm to her, clasping it between both of her hands. She brought it up to her lips and kissed his knuckles.

"Eddie,” She said softly, “How many years have I known you? Everyone makes mistakes. You aren’t perfect but neither am I.” She lifted her head up and looked into his eyes.

"You are perfect for me and I love you, mistakes and all.”

***************************************

Eddie stared at her, biting down on his lip as she smiled up at him. He kept repeating her words in his head, mind racing with so many thoughts now. She loved him, and he actually believed it. Every word that left her lips only made him break down inside, because now everything was going to be different. And while he was filled with apprehension, he was equally excited to explore this new found dynamic between them.

“You really know how to woo a guy, darlin’.” He laughed, kissing her forehead and pulling away to smile at her.

***************************************

It’s a gift.” Nova smiled at him. He kissed her forehead. Nova loved the feeling of of his lips on hers. She looked up and brought his head down and kissed him.

—–

Nova leaned against the pool table in the darkened bar, a beer bottle in hand, the top pressed on her bottom lip. She smirked as she watched Eddie try to beat her. Eddie wasn’t an awful pool player, Nova was just better and her constant bragging usually led her to having little pool competitions with him. Sometimes Eddie won but more often than not it was Nova. Although Eddie would come up with the excuse that he was rusty, or she cheated or distracted him. Eddie looked up at Nova from under his hat and she winked at him.

********************************

Eddie leaned over the table, eyeing the cue ball and steadily pulling his pool stick back. He glanced up at Nova from under his hat, smirking before he meant to hit he perfect shot, except she decided now of all times to wink at him. He narrowly missed it, cursing loudly and hitting the table as the cue ball flew off to the wrong side. He sighed heavily, glaring at her and rolling his eyes as she giggled.

“You’re a goddamn cheat, ya know that, darlin’.”

He couldn’t stop himself from chuckling, tipping his hat up to get a better look at her as he once again asked for another round. “One more round. Come on.” She walked up to him, fishing into his pocket and taking some dollar bills out.

*************************************

Nova’s smirk grew bigger with amusement as Eddie missed his shot due to her winking and then accused her of cheating.

“Not my fault you can’t focus.” She taunted and raised an eyebrow. Then again, Eddie mad it hard for her to focus as well. God Eddie looked good in this light, well any light. She had used the past few weeks of getting to know him and his body even more than before. Her eyes looked him up and down and she took a drink of her beer.

"You tryin’ to hustle me cowboy?” Nova tsked. and walked over to him, her hips swaying as she did so. Her hand ran up his chest and to his neck where she played with the collar of his shirt.

***********************************

Eddie hummed at her as she played with the collar of his shirt, giving him that look that said she wanted him right then. And damn, would he be happy to comply. But, he had to tease her just a bit first.

“‘Course I ain’t hustlin’ ya, darlin’.”

*************************************

Nova set her beer down on the pool table, making a soft thud. She stepped away and jumped up to sit on the edge of the table, mindful of the bottle. She fiddled with Eddie’s belt loops on his jeans before pulling him in between her legs, her nose filling with his distinct scent that instantly gave her comfort. She looked up and him and tilted her head to the side.

"And how do I know you’re not lyin’, Kreezer?”

***************************************

Eddie bit his lip when she pulled him between her legs, her fingers dangerously close to his crotch. She really did know how to get his damn body all riled up, but he wasn’t about to give in so easily. He leaned in, lips inches from her own, breath tickling across her cheek. He smirked when she blushed softly, clearly reacting to his proximity, and as she jokingly asked him for the truth, he could only smile at her.

“You’re my girl, darlin’. I ain’t about to lie to ya.”

~The End~

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.