#i mean u can rb if u want lol i doubt anybody would i'm just...thinking while listening to lmfao...

[hoedameron]

i have a complicated relationship with food.

on one hand, i love food, i love meals, i love the concept (and practice) of cooking and baking. the togetherness one feels when you make something with loved ones and how nourishing it can be. even when you’re by yourself, to eat feels so good. you are alone with this meal and it feels personal; that you’re nourishing and taking good care of yourself.

on the other hand, eating is vulnerable to me. i hate admitting when i’m hungry as if i’m ashamed that my body feels this empty pang. eating in front of others can be intimidating if i don’t know somebody that well and even if it’s in front of friends, i am hyperaware of how i’m perceived. whenever somebody asks what i’m eating, i get defensive, and all of a sudden i get a wave of shame. so many times, to me, hunger, eating, making food...feels like a private ordeal. don’t be seen nor heard, eat in a corner, don’t let others watch, you’re pathetic, “but i must eat”, not this, not that...it’s heartbreaking.

a part of me wonders if this developed in college but even then, that vulnerable and shameful feeling followed me every time i went to the cafeteria. every single time, i took my meals to go because, again, this was private ordeal. i couldn’t be vulnerable in public like that. however, i always loved seeing others interact with their friends, their family, their significant others eating a meal together. to see a group of friends in line and cracking jokes, some students were even close with the servers and chefs and their familial interactions made me smile. they were openly hungry, not afraid to admit that they’re starving, and embraced what it is like to be human. the way that they expressed how much the food made them full, how great the flavors were or how rich it was...it was endearing. “do you want the cookie or the cupcake?” one football player asked his buddies to which they took both. i want to have that confidence to be open about my appetite.

but i suppress it. 

“you’re not hungry, you’re bored”, “you can wait until lunchtime to eat”, “you don’t need dinner”, “why are you snacking for the third time today?”...i punish myself for eating but i don’t necessarily follow my own advice all the time. maybe it comes with the territory of being fat where we don’t allow ourselves to be open about being hungry for fear of judgment. maybe it lead to my massive weight loss where i lost 20 pounds in less than a month. i called it an accomplishment, my family was impressed, and in a vain way, i was proud of myself. i still can’t stand looking myself in the mirror for more than i have to.

i want to be hungry, to allow myself to be starving then satiating that need without feeling shame. i want to feel full without judgment. i want to enjoy food again without it being a secret that i crave, that i eat, that i am human.

i want to be human.