#i mean it's 99% depression 1% yaoi

[ashemellow]

noelashe

YES!

[imgonnabeyourbubblegumwitch]

January Book: Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda (A Review)

In which I attempt to condense the complicated emotional roller coaster this book sent me on into a rational and non-screaming-in-anger review.

I think I did okay.  

Some spoilers so I’ve given my general opinion below and the actual review is below the cut. 

Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda: 1/5 Stars

Yeah I didn’t like it. I’m surprised too. 

I guess what frustrates me most about this book is some kind of internal insistence that I had to read it because it was LGBT and everyone else loved it. But it was making me miserable. But it was LGBT and everyone else loved it. But it wasn't fun. But it was…etc.

Anyway I guess shout out to Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda for reminding me there's no point reading something I hate just because other people like it or because it’s a particular genre. 

(Going to use this pretty obvious revelation to happily quit the Scarlet Witch comics I started just before Christmas. Marvel says she's no longer Magneto's daughter? Interesting opinion. I accept it's canon but I sure as hell aren't accepting it as my headcanon).

Anyway proper review below as promised. 

So I feel like I am going to be in a minority here but I really wasn't into this book. I wanted to like it because I heard a lot of good things about the film and so, being one of those book before film people, I picked this up expecting good things. Maybe the hype was part of what made it a bit of a let-down for me. I tend not to do well with things that have been hyped up; maybe because I end up with unrealistic expectations, maybe because I'm a special snowflake who has super special tastes different to the norm. I don't know.

So as I was starting to read this I was pretty scathing. I nearly gave up at page 21. Now? Honestly I'm just exhausted by it. I skim read through the whole thing in about an hour and a half just so I could say I sort of finished it. I'll be the first to admit that because of that perhaps I missed a lot of things that could have made the book a better experience for me. But honestly though, it infuriated me so much at the beginning that I couldn't read it any other way.

One of the biggest problems is that I don't really like books that use copious amounts of pop culture reference, especially when these can easily be dated. As a general rule I tend to prefer fictional universes that feel a little more timeless - Harry Potter, the Bartimaeus Trilogy, Lockwood and Co. Even my current favourite series - The Rivers of London - makes me grimace when it references to Brooklyn 99 or similar. This really is just a personal preference thing and I can understand why others would want to read a book about a clearly modern high school experience.

If you are like me however, Simon Vs the Homo Sapiens is probably not for you on this front. There are endless references to pop culture including some that, given the nature of internet culture, already feel a little dated. As an example of the many many pop culture references, some I can remember off the top of my head without even glancing at the book are: Tegan and Sarah, Tumblr, Yaoi, slash fiction, Harry/Draco fanfiction & Harry Potter in general, Def Leppard, Yoda, Katniss,  etc etc.

I guess the writing was fine. It was written as though in a way someone young might talk. It's a distinctive voice that most of the time I just kind of shrugged off as neither working for me, or irritating me. Occasionally however there were stylistic choices that were just odd. The extra half a second it took me to try and figure out the meaning of the sentence/phrase took me out of the story slightly - a minor nit-pick I know, but one I'll make anyway. An example from page 33: "If I were straight. The Abby thing. I do think I get it. " I re-read those sentences three times trying to figure out whether he meant "If I were straight I'd get people liking Abby" (as in, I struggle to objectively tell if someone of the opposite gender is attractive) or whether he meant "If I were straight I'd like Abby too" (as in, Abby is attractive but not really my thing being gay). I suppose maybe in the grand scheme it doesn't make too much difference. But little things like that interrupting my reading flow was not something I needed when I was already supremely uninvested in this story.

Another example is from later on when Simon makes a comical autocorrect error via email. Essentially the premise is his phone corrected "such" to "dick" but it took me such a long time to work this out because of the format of the emails. The second email sent - the correction - is above the first email because if you were looking in an inbox that is how they'd appear. But because you read down the page and because most of the other emails were naturally chronological reading in this fashion this really threw me. Again: minor nit-pick - the emails are timestamped so like the confusion was definitely me being a moron. But it's another instance of being taken from the book for a moment too long.

Another problem that impacted my ability to engage with this book is that I really didn't like Simon. Some of the things he said and the views he held made me a little uncomfortable. I don't expect every character to hold views exactly like mine and I accept someone doesn't have to be a likeable person to be a likeable character. There are some fantastic characters who aren't really very nice people, or who hold views that are dissimilar to society as a whole or to an individual reader. I guess an example of this might be the Lannister family from Game of Thrones - I wouldn't want to be friends with them or emulate like 95% of what they do. But they sure are fun to watch/read about.

Simon though, I think I was done with him by page 21 - my original quit point. At this point he mentions that he thinks it's different for girls when they come out because a lot of guys think lesbians are hot. This is kind of a case where I guess you don't have to agree with a characters view or observations, but these sort of things just pile up. Another early on moment that really bugged me was this comment when describing their friend group: "Leah's two friends, Morgan and Anna, who read manga and wear black eyeliner, and are basically interchangeable. Anna and I actually dated freshman year, and I still think she and Morgan are interchangeable. "

Perhaps this is meant to demonstrate he's very gay because he's not hyper-aware of girls appearances? But it just read like Simon lacking basic human decency of bothering to tell two people who are friends of a friend apart. And maybe he was trying to be funny? If he was, it definitely falls flat for me. There are mentions in the book of Simon being oblivious to what other people might want or think, forgetting to offer his sister food when he makes sandwiches for him and his friend for example, and maybe this is an extension of that. This still feels odd to me however.

In the light of fairness I will say there were moments when I did feel for Simon - when Martin attempts to apologise for example, and some of his pre-coming-out thoughts, worries and dilemmas did feel authentic. But they weren't enough to encourage me to read on or to root for him.

Final thought because this is really long and more attention than I intended to give this book in the end: I'm confused as to how this school tumblr is supposed to work. Is it one page and everyone has a log in? Is it a tag? I'm assuming it's a tag based system? Anyway I guess that's another minor nitpick that doesn't matter in the scheme of things.  I just struggled to picture how it would work.

So in conclusion, this book sent me through the five stages of grief -

Denial: well everyone else liked it so I must like it too I guess.

Anger: I can't believe I spent money on this book. Let me write down all the bits I hate for the review I'll write. Oh my goodness I can't believe Simon said/thought that.

Bargaining: okay well Simon is kind of annoying me but I'll skim read it - it'll probably get good in a bit.

Depression: I can't believe I'm still reading this book, I can't believe I'm the only one who doesn't like this book, I feel like I've been trapped reading this book forever, time is meaningless.

And, finally, acceptance: it is what it is, and I'm too tired to do much but admit this just wasn't for me.

Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda: 1/5 stars

[heatherchandler]

1-100. all of them.

1: is there a boy/girl in your life? sadly there is not :/

2: think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? Lmao no she can eat shit fuck her and her yaoi hands

3: what do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” cats?

4: what’s something you really want right now? To not have to go to school tomorrow man

5: are you afraid of falling in love? I’m afraid of losing after I fall in love I’m little and fragile

6: do you like the beach? In theory? yes. In reality? Not on my gay life.

7: have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? No and that sounds uncomfortable as hell

8: what’s the background on your cell? It’s from Heathers it’s the “Candy Store” number

9: name the last four beds you were sat on? Mine, my friend Skye’s, my parents’, my friend Rowynn’s

10: do you like your phone? It’s fine yeah

11: honestly, are things going the way you planned? Buddy I didn’t think I would still be alive right now and I didn’t plan to have this much anxiety so I’m gonna go with a hard no

12: who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? Her name is Kailey! We volunteered at a middle school dodgeball tournament together! Eighth graders take dodgeball way too seriously I got hit in the jaw with a fly ball and boy. Buddy. Also what a bunch of fucking cheaters but 

13: would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler? I think a rottweiler because it would be easier to groom

14: which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional I guess I haven’t really been in a lot of physical pain like ever so

15: would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Last time I went to an art museum I got “shh”ed for humming quietly in an empty gallery and I’m still a little salty about it so I’m gonna say zoo 

16: are you tired? I have depression I’m always tired

17: how long have you known your 1st phone contact? Three years now 

18: are they a relative? No we don’t even talk anymore I yelled at him for being racist in 10th grade and we haven’t ever really talked since

19: would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? I don’t have any exes but I probably wouldn’t 

20: when did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? These virgin lips have never met another’s 

21: if you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? Bitch? No? I’m 18 years old I have no money, no formal education, no job. I haven’t even had the chance to be a hoe yet. Please.

22: would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Again. Null and Void

23: how many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? Just one. It was my grandma’s but somebody told me the other day that it looked gay and I feel like she rolled over in her grave.

24: is there a certain quote you live by? No I forget everything buddy I’m especially bad at quotes.

25: what’s on your mind? Himalayan rock salt lamps

26: do you have any tattoos? Nah

27: what is your favorite color? Purple right now 

28: next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Bitch idk

29: who are you texting? My friends? 

30: think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? pbbht

31: have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Probably yeah because I feel like a lot of bad things will happen all the time I was probably right a few times just because of how often I feel that way

32: do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yeah he’s like my brother

33: do you think anyone has feelings for you? Nah I’m kind of ugly

34: has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? No not that I remember they’re kind of plain.

35: say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? Binch

36: were you single on valentines day? Forever and always 

37: are you friends with the last person you kissed? Bruh

38: what do your friends call you? Gay. Liss-Biss

39: has anyone upset you in the last week? I get upset over the tiniest things so we’re gonna go with a hard yes.

40: have you ever cried over a text? I cry over everything I’m soft and sensitive.

41: where’s your last bruise located? The last one I remember was on the palm of my hand like the little hand butt

42: what is it from? I went roller skating and fell on my ass a lot and just this one time I went down and tried to catch myself, and all of my weight went onto my hands. I got a really bad bruise on one hand and my bracelet dug into my other hand and like burst some vessels it was wild never take me skating

43: last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? I think last week

44: who was the last person you were on the phone with? Lmao my mom

45: do you have a favourite pair of shoes? Nah

46: do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? No I usually just braid it and hope for the best

47: would you ever go bald if it was the style? No! Fuck! My head is gigantic I would look like a fucking egg! Anyway I love my hair

48: do you make supper for your family? Sometimes whenever I’m feeling it or we have chicken defrosted because I’m always a slut for pan seared chicken.

49: does your bedroom have a door? Yeah thank god

50: top 3 web-pages? idk netflix, here, and idk where else 

51: do you know anyone who hates shopping? Yes bitch me

52: does anything on your body hurt? My back! Always!

53: are goodbyes hard for you? The last hard goodbye I had was when my best friend moved to Florida and he stopped by my house to say goodbye and that was like two/three years ago now so generally no

54: what was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? Mtn. Dew

55: how is your hair? She’s fine thanks for asking. I have her wrapped in a towel she’s napping

56: what do you usually do first in the morning? Go back to sleep

57: do you think two people can last forever? If they try.

58: think back to january 2007, were you single? I was eight.

59: green or purple grapes? I’ve always been a red grape hoe

60: when’s the next time you will give someone a big hug? The next time somebody lets me I’m such a big hugger

61: do you wish you were somewhere else right now? The Everglades, lying face down in the swamp, not dead, just resting.

62: when will be the next time you text someone? Probably tomorrow I don’t usually text people late at night I’m small and tired

63: where will you be 5 hours from now? In bed, hopefully still asleep

64: what were you doing at 8 this morning. Sleeping because it’s Sunday and I don’t go to church and I can sleep in

65: this time last year, can you remember who you liked? I can’t really. I don’t think I ever really get crushes that last long enough for me to remember them. 

66: is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? There’s a few

67: did you kiss or hug anyone today? I hugged my parents

68: what was your last thought before you went to bed last night? “I hope none of my gay songs play because my dad is right in the gameroom and if he comes to check on me he’ll Know”

69: have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Lmao yes.

70: how many windows are open on your computer? Just one. I like to let him rest. 

71: how many fingers do you have? Ten

72: what is your ringtone? It’s one o the default iPhone tones i forget what it’s called

73: how old will you be in 5 months? 18 still

74: where is your mum right now? Downstairs on the couch probably sleeping.

75: why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? He moved.

76: have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? Nope. 

77: are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Yeah for the most part. I’ve got some new ones though

78: do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? It was probably like. Ryan Fitzpatrick or someone like him idfk I was young and dumb and I thought I was straight.

79: is there anyone you know with the name mike? My sister’s godparent’s son is named Michael they sometimes call him Mike.

80: have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Does being a baby in my mother’s arms count because if it doesn’t then no

81: how many people have you liked in the past three months? Like. 0.5

82: has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? Nope

83: will you talk to the person you like tonight? Nah 

84: you’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? KATIE 

85: if your bf/gf was into drugs would you care? I think so because I’m really. Not. Especially if it was hard drugs. 

86: what was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? Nothing eventful really happens at the movies for me, I avoid kids movies to Lessen the Risk.

87: who was your last received call from? My mom

88: if someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? What the fuck? what the fuck. 

89: what is something you wish you had more of? Money and admirers

90: have you ever trusted someone too much? Yeah 

91: do you sleep with your window open? No my dad will yell at me for “letting all the cold air out”

92: do you get along with girls? Yes?? 

93: are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? I don’t think so no

94: does sex mean love? Like for me? Idk it can be an act of love but really it can mean nothing too it’s not really black and white

95: you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? Yes because I’ll be locked in a room alone how the fuck do I get out

96: have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? BOI

97: did you sleep alone this week? Every week

98: everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? My mom, my cat, my friends, idk I guess art when my teacher doesn’t assign it. Making people feel nice! I’m such a huge proponent of nice anons I send so many and like. refresh the blogs of people I send them to so that I know they feel good. 

99: do you believe in love at first sight? Me? A hopeless romantic? An idealist? Yes. 

100: who was the last person that you pinky promise? I think it was my dad over something that probably didn’t require a pinky promise idk we do it a lot.