#i mean i guess part of it is that this author's Traumatized Love Interests are always really innocent victims
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god i know that complaining abt fic which most of you haven't read, and which i won't, for politeness' sake, identify in this post, is a great way to come across as both dickish and boring—
but i've been rereading a very long, very satisfyingly plotty series that's a fandom darling and the thing is, when you read like 400k of an author's work at once it really starts to become painfully apparent what their priorities are, by which i mean two things:
holy shit they're obsessed with 'what if strong powerful men who could hurt you didn't (but did hurt Bad Guys) (and it was sexy of them),' which leads into
holy shit they do not appear to have thought through the implications of saying 'i will have my heroes take over the same power structures that have enabled abuse, make no real changes to those structures other than swapping out the leadership, and then claim that everything is wonderful now bc Good Men Are In Charge'??
like. i don't necessarily need every passing fantasy to present me with a coherent, revolutionary system of politics and ethics—sometimes things are just fun and sexy and not especially Examined and that's fine!—but by the time someone's written literally almost half a million words, and done a lot of worldbuilding while they were at it, i am going to start squinting if they seem to think a Good Man can e.g. become an emperor by killing off the leadership of multiple countries and installing puppet kings loyal to him and still remain a Good Man, even if the justification was that the original leadership was maltreating its citizens and deserved to be extrajudicially executed. like. this shit was a bad, autocratic move when the US did it in real life and it's still bad now that you're having our mutual blorbo do it in fiction! and that's not even getting into the whole thing where like. they've got servants who the Good Man and his friends ""treat well"" but who very much remain second-class citizens in terms of how the story actually frames them and their concerns. [this was also a huge issue i had with foz m*adows' most recent book—everyone wants to write about fantasy nobles but they also want to make them good people and it's like. honestly i think it might be better to get comfortable writing about flawed people, but also—if your aristos aren't treating their servants like equals and your text isn't either, you haven't actually cracked the Moral Aristo paradox, sorry!] like, there's nothing that says your story has to depict a fully Healed World, nor should there be! but it's troubling if you seem to be convinced you've written one (and have your wide-eyed love interests constantly marveling at it!) when you very patently haven't.
#in all honesty—i've framed a lot of this as political/ethical critique‚ and like‚ it IS‚ but also—#i'm just really frustrated because like. the whole 'what if people were shockingly nice to you' thing feels like it SHOULD be better for me#but in actual fact i find myself totally turning up my nose at it and i can't totally work out why#i mean i guess part of it is that this author's Traumatized Love Interests are always really innocent victims#which i can't identify with emotionally because i feel like a piece of shit#so i need a story that's more like 'person who's been told they were a monster for so long they believe it gets convinced they aren't'#'(lovingly and sexily)'#but also i think a lot of it just. isn't subtle enough. like i need to have to put pieces together so i'm implicated in my own catharsis#being constantly told 'wow it's so amazing i'm not being abused by this person who COULD abuse me!! that's so sexy of them!'#is just. not doing it for me. like. 'not abusive' is not actually sexy to me‚ unfortunately. i need some character traits.#and unfortunately the ones this author tosses in for flavor ALSO don't convince me#because they never actually manifest in the story. it's like 'oh this character is so prickly—but never actually offends the LI.'#'oh this other character is so gruff—but the LI understands that about them from day one and doesn't take it personally.'#like. if the hero's 'flaws' don't actually cause any problems—they aren't flaws#anyway. i've definitely complained about this exact series multiple times on here at this point#but that's the thing—it's compelling enough i keep going back to it‚ so i get extra-frustrated by its flaws#whereas like. there's a lot of stuff that's much worse that i've been much less frustrated by#because i never had any particular hopes for it#anyway. thx for yr patience in this fully self-inflicted Trying Time‚ lmao#i guess this can get filed under#bookblogging
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Ooohh do you have any thoughts on Orochimaru specifically? Would love to hear them, I find his whole deal fascinating.
At the moment, not really? I mean, I just finished the last 100 chapters of the "Naruto" manga and I best remember the Chuunin Exams arc besides that, so while I have a general idea of Orochimaru's deal and backstory, I do not remember the small and specific canonical details that generally make characters super interesting.
One thing that I thought was super funny was that Hashirama, Tobirama, and Minato (and Sarutobi Hiruzen, I guess? He was there doing... something) are carrying a significant percentage of this super long final battle, fighting against Obito and Madara, saving lives and dealing out damage. And they're only there as super powerful undead warriors because Orochimaru resurrected them with his improved Edo Tensai technique. So I think it's fair to say that a SIGNIFICANT part of the final battle is being carried by OROCHIMARU, who might as well be sitting on the sidelines for most of it with a cocktail and a beach chair.
I don't remember the exact details of the human experimentation, at least part of which I'm sure is unforgivably evil even if Orochimaru was doing them on behalf of his village at some point. (Doing that shit on someone else's order is still not good even if all of these traumatized characters were raised to be obedient soldiers since early childhood.) But besides the mad science, Orochimaru generally doesn't really stand out to me as being any more evil than a lot of kage and other senior shinobi.
Like, they are in the business of making child soldiers and killing people for money; that is the general deal of ninja here. Inherently corrupt and violent systems and all that jazz. So, personally, I don't really care all that much that Orochimaru defected and started his own business, because I don't think that most of these characters owe any real loyalty to this broken military state that keeps fucking them and their loved ones over to hold onto its power. I like the fact that he's fun-looking and dramatic and a lot about him as a villain / antagonist calls out everyone else around him as hypocrites.
I don't remember enough about him to fully understand his motivations and be persuaded that his actions make any kind of sense by the story, but a lot of character motivations and their choices to achieve their goals in "Naruto" barely make sense to me. (Note to everyone: this is not an invitation to explain Orochimaru's everything to me. I'll read all of canon properly at some point.) I like the fact that he decided to help against Madara and Obito at the end of the story, because he was like, "Of course I want to save the world? I live here???"
I thought the end of "Naruto" was super abrupt and I can't remember if there was much of Orochimaru in those final chapters. I know he fucked off again and had a kid later, which I find funny. (Half of the time Orochimaru was on screen, I was distracted by Uzumaki Karin, because I wanted to like her as a female character with some cool attributes, I wanted to be in her corner, but every time she appeared, she did something that made me want to strangle the author with my bare hands. I feel entitled to financial compensation.)
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Okay but one thing I really like about Kit’s characterization is that she’s the antithesis to the Disney princess stereotype but also fills the stereotype perfectly?? But also in a way that subverts the troupe??
Like okay, we can guess from her line about how she wishes she were “anyone but a princess” and the general way she acts that Kit has a complex relationship with femininity. I’m mostly just speculating, but it’s probably just because she associates most feminine traits she has or is forced into with her royal title, and so hates it all.
Being a princess political and socially demands a few immovable things. Having the patience and emotional bandwidth to run a nation, present herself in a distinctly feminine and uptight way, and marrying specifically a man her mother chose so that she can give birth to precautionary heirs.
These are all things Kit is incapable, or relatively incapable, of doing. Kit, just base personality wise, isn’t a patient person. She doesn’t think ahead most of the time, and she doesn’t have the interest in learning it. Also, she’s literally a lesbian and if she goes through with the marriage her mom set up, is doomed to a life of misery and unfulfillment, not to mention that the s*x part of the marriage will be traumatic no matter how it happens. And I literally cannot imagine her as a mom, sorry. Forcing Kit into this role is like trying to shove a circle into the square hole of those baby toys.
I can only imagine Sorsha trying to continuously shove Kit into this role that she cannot fufill would leave Kit frustrated with herself for being unable to fit, and hating anything having to do with it. Like— the whole reason Kit was born was to fill this role. Imagine being physically and emotionally incapable of doing the one thing you were born to do? Kit’s never feeling good enough trauma is just apparent in the show as her abandonment issues. Despite knowing she can’t fill this role and clearly not trying to anymore, doesn’t mean she doesn’t hold a lot of frustration with herself for it.
As an obvious butch, I think Kit would end up in her style no matter how her life turned out, but I also think that the more her mom pushed Kit toward femininity where Kit wasn’t able to fit correctly, the more Sorsha ended up actually pushing Kit in the opposite direction. Frustrated she can’t go one way, she’s clearly ended up going the opposite way.
Just like when her mother didn’t want her to learn sword fighting, she sought a way to learn “on her own” with Jade. Kit isn’t really an authority person. She likely sees it as getting farther away from her mother, and closer to her dad, like how she lost her mom’s sword and picked up her dad’s in the show.
But it’s not just fashion, Kit’s shown distain for “feminine traits” (or traditional Disney princess traits wink wink) she has in her personality. The most obvious example is Kit’s feelings for Jade. They’re very deeply ingrained onto who she is as a person. They’re raw and venerable and Kit goes like five whole episodes after kissing Jade to even consider talking about them. Kit goes lengths to avoid talking or confronting her deeper emotions.
But it remains that Kit feels things very deeply. When Sorsha yells at Arik and Kit in episode 1, Kit’s the only one that starts crying. She loves Jade so much, and is so afraid of being rejected, that when she confesses, she also starts crying. When locked in a cage thinking Jade might be in trouble, she freaks out on Elora. On truth strum, she borderline begs Elora for advice. When she finds out her dad might be alive and that he thinks Elora is “what matters most in this world,” she breaks down and yells. She uses the power of love to save Arik’s life.
Girl cannot hold a grudge to save her life, btw. She’s so pissed at her mom episode 1, the next morning she’s crying at her bedside because she’s worried Sorsha might be upset with her. Jade says she’s abandoning her and Kit’s over it and kissing her on the lips in the span of a few hours. Kit apologizes to Graydon for being a bitch at the engagement dinner. She gets pissed at Boorman for potentially leaving her dad to die and then it’s literally never brought up again bc she’s over it. She tries soooo hard to be mad at Elora for mattering to both her parents more than Kit does, and fails miserably after like a week max.
She’s a teeny ball of rage but it’s not in her nature to hate people for whatever reason.
She’s a very sensitive person. So much so, that she has a quiet arc about how she can’t really stand death.
That possum she has to go fetch for Elora? She can’t even look at it. When the jar breaks and she has to go hold it in her hands? She’s pinching it a full arms length away from her body. As Elora’s cutting it up she’s physically gagging. She tries to talk about Ballentine with Jade, but she can’t even say the word “killed.” She tries SO hard to be macho and tough and be the one to kill Graydon, but Jade and Boorman both already knows she’s weak shit. Kit BAILS. It’s the moment of truth and Graydon’s dying and Kit ORDERS Jade not to kill him as she SOBS and BEGS Elora to figure out a way to save his life bc she can’t stand to watch him die. A throwing star hits her in the arm and she SCREAMS ANS PASSES OUT. Jade has to mentally prepare her to rip it out and she SCREAMS AGAIN. She’s the most reluctant person in the world to fight her brother. And when she wins the fight and tries to kill him, her body won’t even let her. When Elora tells her to stand down, Kit collapses into tears like she was praying someone would stop her.
And it’s clear at the beginning of the season, Kit hold a lot of resentment towards herself for having these traits. They’re not inherently feminine traits to have, but she associates them with being a princess and hates them on principle. She’s probably been told her whole life to be nicer, politer, more empathetic. She doesn’t want to be any of those things, she wants to be who she remembers her dad to be; a brave, admired, tough knight. Kit wants to be brave and strong and she thinks she can’t have that if she acts like Sorsha wants her to, since it’s clear Sorsha doesn’t want either of her kids to be like Madmartigan. She wants them to be a certain way, she wants them to be the opposite of the militaristic way she was raised. But the truth is, there’s nothing Kit can do about it. She is a sensitive, loving, empathetic person, that’s it. This is who she is, and her arc in this show is learning to be herself. All parts of herself.
Kit gets to love the venerable, sensitive parts of herself without giving up the masculine badass sword fighter that she’s always wanted to be, the way she assumed she’d have to. She gets to be both!!! She gets the cool ass armor and she can be emotionally available. She can express fear and love and still be brave and strong!!!
Kit emerges from this show at the heart of the questing gang. Y’all have no idea how much I love that.
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2 and 7 for the ask game?? (: [giving you more attention] [giving you more attention]
(@strawberryona)
Great, more attention!
All right, I guess I'll be talking about Ciel again, huh?
2. Two headcanons/facts-- one from your newest F/O and one from the oldest.
Okay, so about my favourite chihuahuas:
Thistle: This one is a headcanon based on canon, but I think he’s quite a fashionista. He was always dressed in a fancy way in the past, even after being promoted from the jester to the court magician, and was only wearing plain clothes when doing dungeon maintenance (but even those looked good on him, at least in my opinion, and he changes outfits often). Also it seems logical that someone who takes care of his hair and constantly styles it in different ways would be invested in the rest of his appearance as well.
Ciel Phantomhive: Fun canon fact is that Ciel is a fan of the works of Arthur Conan Doyle. Ciel is also the one who invited Arthur into his mansion for a banquet, just to drag the poor guy into the murder mystery, and later reveal all the hellish bullshit he and Sebastian got up to while orchestrating this whole event, consequentially traumatizing the author for life and inspiring him to write further. Which means that Ciel is partially responsible for the creation of Sherlock Holmes.
7. What's something you feel is uncommon that you do with/for/about/etc your F/O(s)?
Well, the fact that my go-to way of expressing affection is being mean and harshly critical of my f/os. It’s not often that I see other people that prefer to focus more on their f/os' bad traits.
I mean, I can praise them, but it’s much easier and much more fun to point out everything that is wrong with them. It’s pretty simple – I find flaws to be the most interesting part of the character. I don’t just fall in love with the good qualities of my f/os, I fall in love with their bad traits as well.
I love Thistle’s anger issues and how much of a paranoid control freak he is. I love Jamil for being a manipulative backstabber (though he is 100% justified in being one, I would have done worse in his situation). I love Xerxes for being so prideful that it starts to become a problem not only for everyone else, but for him as well.
That’s what makes them worth loving, in my eyes. Otherwise, it would have been boring… And I myself would feel inadequate in comparison.
Xerxes himself said it best:
#Fun fact: one time I wrote an entire essay fully dedicated to dragging Break through the dirt for his shitty life (and fashion) choices#f/o: the mad hatter#f/o: the mad mage#It's been a while since I read B.lack B.utler so I don't remember any headcanons I had about C.iel...#It was alsready hard to remember any peculiar facts that wouldn't be a common knowledge!#That won't do. He's still my favourite character so I really need to reread the manga to remember more...#Also. To be fair most of the headcanons I have about my f/os are based on canon in one way or another.#By which I mean: I notice a detail and simply extend a possible conclusion.#It is VERY rare for me to just come up with headcanons out of nowhere simply because they seem fitting.
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https://www.tumblr.com/precious-little-scoundrel/750573772826918913/i-wanna-share-my-thoughts-on-the-recent-fic-re
ok great haha. i’m going in.
i’ll preface this by saying i understand that maureen’s going through a hard time but. i do think she’s being slightly childish and immature.
“You’ve told the boys?” Maureen cried out, infuriated.
So this. I’m not gonna lie I think it’s WILD that Maureen would hear this about Ida and this is where her mind goes. It’s just very self-cantered to me ☹️ I wanna love her but it’s rough right now and I think it’s just crazy that Maureen would make herself the victim of this scenario (even though in a way they’re all victims right now).
“-we could all die in this shithole-“
And then this. Basically just the blatant refusal to acknowledge the shitty situation that Ida is in.
“So what?” Maureen asked dully, having been excluded from an obvious inner circle regarding the issue and having now been accused of being trivial in her own sufferings, it smarted and she could not deny the flicker of unfairness she felt over it.
And then this?! Basically just refer to my first point but it just rubs me the wrong way. I know she’s in a tough situation but I can’t sympathize with her treating Ida’s pregnancy as something she NEEDS to be privy to. There’s also the part where Ida mentions that the boys FIGURED it out while Maureen clearly didn’t which also makes me question her ability to step outside of herself…
“So you’ll let Bucky and Gale die for you, die trying to get you out of here but you won’t try to fix it yourself.”
This is like. Quite literally wild. That’s all I can say. Religion or no religion, assault or no assault, using a hanger to end a pregnancy is TRAUMATIC.
Gosh this was yummy, so glad you didn’t withhold from us. Personality speaking, while writing her I was thinking *this is coming from a very hurt but very immature woman, so this is coming out all sorts of wrong ways* and I think you pretty much nailed my own opinion on it all. But as an author it’s fun and good to try to present the character as much in their own head as you can manage, and for Maureen that’s quite the walk on the wild side. Or a very human side.
But honestly I think it gets more interesting if you pepper in some backstory of Maureen always sort of wanting to prove herself to Ida without becoming like Ida, and in their horrors before making it to the stalag they were together and she felt like she was becoming Ida’s confidant. While it’s utterly immature to be preoccupied with herself at such a moment as this one, I think she’s grieving the omission of trust that means more to her than anyone guesses. But then you’re also right -why didn’t you notice if the others did, Kendeigh?
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Absolutely unhinged article from Wired
So there's this well known and very successful fantasy author named Brandon Sanderson. He wrote some of my favorite books. He's known for really good worldbuilding, interesting magic systems, and being extremely prolific. I mean it's nuts, he just cranks out books at an insane rate.
Some idiot from Wired magazine had to write an article about him and it is absolutely bizarre. Sanderson invited this guy into his home and spent what seems to be a lot of time entertaining and chatting with this guy and the whole article is just strange petty complaints and projection and insults and... it's ridiculous.
This is his big complaint - Sanderson just isn't INTERESTING enough to write a good article about! He's lame, and boring, and bad at everything, and his clothes don't fit right, and he puts salt on his ramen, and he talks too much. It's honestly embarrassing to read.
He makes it clear that he was openly rude to Sanderson in the moment, as well:
Hilariously, Sanderson agrees with this and acknowledges that on the sentence level his writing isn't great. This is accurate, honestly. It's better in some books (or parts of books) than others, but his strengths are with the larger story and sometimes his writing is a bit weak (but still very readable, in the way that a lot of YA stuff or beach reads are). Anyway then we move on to insulting his fans.
Okay so his pale, fleshy, nerdy, man-child fans smell bad. Got it.
He paints a picture of a really idyllic life, one of not only success but of good times surrounded by friends and family. It's clear he's bothered by this because he doesn't think Sanderson deserves it due to bad writing and the fact that he's Mormon. The author of this article really really hates that Sanderson is Mormon. (Look, I have no love for the Mormon church but it's still super strange, it's like when you see stuff on a show and are like "oh the author has a fetish" or something. This writer has a hate-boner for Mormons that cannot just be explained by the normal and valid criticisms of the Mormon church, this is something personal and traumatic I think.)
Oh and he tries to convince Sanderson and his family to go to Evermore, which I find hilarious. They tell him it's run down and shitty but he insists and they later go, and yeah it's run down and shitty.
Anyway, as promised he ends up crying because this story isn't interesting enough which is for sure Sanderson's fault and not the fault of the article writer himself being bad at his job. Also because he hates Hugh Jackman.
Oh and then he wants to cry again because they salt their food:
Anyway he pesters Sanderson about being Mormon, focusing on the parallels in the books without for a second thinking about the ways where the comparison breaks down - imagine if, inspired by being raised Christian, I wrote something with a lot of Jesus parallels but also had a scene where the Jesus stand-in killed everyone and the heroes banded together to kill Jesus and take on the mantle of Son of God. But he gets something he can quote out of context to seem somewhat odd or egotistical so I guess he's pleased.
So yeah, the whole thing is just a super bad article that's not worth reading. Sanderson responded, being way nicer than I would have.
If you want to know more, I wouldn't suggest reading the article. I don't think it needs more clicks. There's nothing of real interest I left out, but I know there's a YouTube video about it everyone is suggesting (and which I haven't watched) so if you want to know more I guess I'd say watch that.
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ARC Review: King of Wrath by Ana Huang
3.25/5. (Re)-releases 4/25/2023.
For when you're vibing with... Modern arranged marriage, billionaire romance, a very cosmopolitan international feel (complete with jetsetting), and some groveling.
Vivian Lau hails from new money, and her father will do anything to break their family into the upper echelons of society--including arrange her marriage to billionaire Dante Russo. Though Vivian is willing to make the best of it, Dante is hostile from the start. So why did he agree to the marriage in the first place? As the two grow closer, the answer may be something Vivian never expected...
So, mixed feelings on this one. I like Ana's writing style, and I certainly like the way she writes sex, as well as this very opulent and interesting world she's created. But I had some issues on the execution.
Quick Takes:
--I really enjoyed the differentiation between new money and old money, the emphasis on elitism, and the sense of business intermingled with personal. Often, in these billionaire romances, it doesn't feel like the billionaires really live in a weird world. Here, it definitely read as something exclusive and inaccessible, yet at the same time something Vivian was very used to because her parents had been super wealthy since she was a child. I liked, so much, that Vivian didn't hesitate to use Dante's black card, didn't wring her hands over dropping $250K on a couple pieces of jewelry like heroines in billionaire romances often do. Basically, I liked that she was rich, too.
--In general, I appreciated the idea of an Italian billionaire who didn't have mafia connections and came from old money. Did that necessarily ring super true to me (real world aside, because this is a fantasy world)? I don't know. I will say that after reading a series in which I could tell the author put a lot of work into making the heroes feel Italian, Dante didn't super read that way to me. He was very American, but threw in some "mia caras" and in many ways I think it might've been better to just committing to him being fully Americanized, or perhaps delving more into the idea that he has lost connection with his heritage.
--I really enjoyed Dante's family backstory and the family drama (Vivian's included) in general. It felt very real, and it was hurtful and traumatic without being over the top.
--The pacing of this book was a double-edged sword for me. It takes place over an extended period of time... Yet somehow, I really didn't feel that, and in some ways I think it would've been better if they'd fallen in love over a (perhaps unrealistically) compressed period of time. Dante would leave to do business for a month; Vivian and Dante's relationship would skip forward a month. We would know that time passed and the relationship naturally grew, but something about it just felt kind of rushed and artificial to me. I felt like I missed the part where they became ridiculously into each other, or where they fell in love, even though I did believe in their chemistry.
--This felt like it was supposed to be enemies to lovers, but Vivian didn't give me anything on that front. I liked her, and she wasn't a doormat; but she wasn't lashing out at Dante, either. She wasn't really spoiled, she wasn't mean, she was just very mature. It made me feel like Dante really wasn't at her level at all, and it also made me feel like... I don't know. It was just hard to connect with her.
--The Big Secret is something you as the reader know from the jump. Vivian does not. It is obviously a big deal when this gets revealed, but I couldn't help but think... she probably should've... guessed? It was something along those lines? Maybe I'm just being cunty, but it felt a bit obvious? And for that matter, her reaction felt a bit over the top. It added to the main issue I had with the book, which is that I liked the way it was presented in terms of writing, but it felt very paint by numbers. Every beat could be predicted, both in terms of plot and emotion.
The Sex Stuff:
The sex in this was... very good. Probably my favorite thing about the book, if I'm being real. At first, it began a bit typically, with that well-known ramp-up. (But I did really like that these two just started having sex and not talking about it at all; fully having these encounters and being like "WELP".) Gradually, however, it got a bit kinkier, and I... wasn't mad at that. There is a scene in a moving vehicle... that is so good.
Overall, I can't say that I loved King of Wrath, but I did like parts of it quite a bit, and I do want to read more of Ana Huang. I feel like she could have gone further with this one, but she's clearly a talented writer. I'll probably read the next book in the series, and check out other books of hers. This novel is a re-release, and I see a great response to it, so clearly, this works for many! And that's great.
Thanks to Netgalley and Sourcebooks Bloom Books for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
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Thanks for the interest, everyone, it means a lot! :')
@thestateofardadreaming - Sure! It's a biography of Tolkien that focuses on his younger years in the lead up to, during, and aftermath of WWI. What makes it so special to me is how it delves into the lives of his closest friends who were part of his informal literary society, the TCBS. John Garth had access to so much personal correspondence between this group as part of his research, so you really feel you get to know these young men. The TCBS and their enthusiastic sharing of ideas was hugely formative to Tolkien (one of his fellow members inspired him to first start writing poetry in earnest). The book follows four members in particular (Tolkien, Christopher Wiseman, Rob Gilson, and Geoffrey Bache Smith) through their school years and then into the war itself, and we discover how several of these bright young men perished at the Somme. The loss of so many friends of his youth was a 'lifelong sorrow' for Tolkien, and this book helps put that loss into all its heartbreaking context. John Garth also get into how the war shaped Tolkien's perspectives, and how even though his post-war writing may differ drastically from that of his contemporaries, it is still no less influenced by those same traumatic losses that so characterised the Lost Generation.
@vardasvapors - I understand not wanting to get into detail if you'd rather leave it to the imagination, but I assure that the information in the book only augments appreciation of his works (well, it did for me at least, lol). Normally I'm all about 'death of the author', but from the moment I discovered Tolkien I've always been interested in both his creative writings for their own sake as well as in him as a writer and academic. And 'Tolkien studies' sessions are often a staple of the medieval studies conferences I used to frequent, so I guess I'm used to thinking about him in those terms. But no pressure to read the full book itself, I'm also just interested in discussing the topic of the Great War in relation to Tolkien and his early writings. I suggest the book to people simply because it is considered a seminal work on the subject—it's been out 20 years now but is still the definitive biography of that era of Tolkien's life. John Garth is passionate about both Tolkien's works themselves as well as the study of the Great War in general, so it's a fascinating blend of research. Garth makes several interesting connections but is careful not to go too far. He is respectful of the fact that Tolkien did not write allegory, so the point of the book isn't about that at all. It's more about how the war was like a crucible for Tolkien, who came out of it irrevocably altered, while also simultaneously even more determined to hold onto that what he loved most.
@cycas —oh great to know! I’m glad I asked, it’s been lonely over here in my lil corner. 😅😭
And @tragicfantasy-girl - if you are interested in the topic but not sure what to expect, this 30-minute documentary gives a brief overview (also features interviews with John Garth):
youtube
Is there truly no one else in the Tolkien fandom who is interested in Tolkien and the Great War by John Garth? I’ve been running this blog for over five years in the hope of connecting with others on this topic…with very limited success.
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Gideon The Ninth Liveread, Chapter 4
The one in which I do a lot of Aiglamene-posting!
Gideon’s moping sequence is around when it really sunk in for me that Gideon wants to join the army as an aspirational thing, not just as a path to escape; she wants to be a cog in the cemetery-industrial complex so bad, just, you know, in a different part of it. One that doesn’t include Harrowhark.
“That’s Three Jobs“ is my exact brand of humor. This book was grown in a lab for me
Feels extremely relevant that nobody has bothered to keep the elevators in working order, and apparently nobody knows how the generators keeping everyone alive work. Catastrophic loss of knowledge due to key figures dying without successors after the baby dieoff, or something that just atrophied gradually out of a cultural overfocus on piety?
And here we come across Aiglamene, grave-robbing in search of useful weapons. Nobody on this planet was ever expecting to do anything but pray and wait to die, huh.
And Harrow says it outright; she is the Ninth House. There is a pretense of a larger structure and society here, but they’re all living inside a skeleton, propelled necromantically by the whims of one traumatized teenaged girl.
Okay, so Gideon does know what fascism is, and by that name. That’s interesting. Both in a “This is clearly a far-future setting” kinda way, and in a "your main objection to this empire situation is that you’re stuck in one of the poorly funded parts of it” kinda way. Authoritarianism is bad when it lets you dunk on your rivals!
And here we have Aiglamene encouraging Gideon to take the deal. (This actually the first of the notes that I had written down from my first pass through the chapter.) Aiglamene is interesting because the scene in which she’s first introduced reads a lot like two cogs extremely far down the totem pole having a discussion that won’t really matter in the grand scheme of things; that’s how the facts are presented to us, and on a level it’s true. But then you get to this sequence, you take a mental headcount, and you realize that Aiglamene is one of the last mentally competent adult decision-makers on the entire planet, and in fact always was, and furthermore is actually aware of her status as such and is trying to do right by it. She tells Gideon to take this deal because, let’s face it, it’s your last shot; she holds Harrow’s feet to the fire in getting her to actually pledge to follow through on what she’s offering. It recontextualizes the earlier scene where she slaps Gideon when she disrespects Harrow; I initially parsed that as a brainwashed company-woman’s conditioning kicking in, violence filtered down through the hierarchy to the frontliner, but no, that’s the action of a woman who, if only through attrition, is actually one of the closest on the planet to the heart of the beast. I’m not parsing that as a dogmatic “how dare you disrespect authority” slap; I’m parsing it as a “she’s unhinged, off the rails and might be listening so don’t be stupid” slap, with the dogmatic stuff added as a fig leaf. (And I’ll also hedge my bets, foul centrist that I am, with the disclaimer that the truth is probably somewhere in between those two extremes.)
On a lighter note, we’re now at one meme I recognize; “while we were developing common sense, she studied the blade.” Right. While you were digging bare-handed all night in a drill shaft and necropuppetting your parents, your indentured servant developed a skillset with application in broader society that now makes her singularly useful to you. Lovely cope you got there
Taking note of the “Heavy Infantry Sword Training” bit; is this a setting where firearms have been obviated, Dune Style? My guess here is that Necromancy makes getting shot trivially easier to repair, meaning that only chunky-salsa tier calibers are effacious and those are in turn hard to kit infantry with; but an amputated limb is an amputated limb. War is fought as you would fight it against Necromorphs, with blade and butchery.
Interesting that hearing Aiglamene say outright, “I think we’re just waiting to die” is something that specifically makes Gideon’s heart sag; was the pretense that all of this mattered to someone, somewhere, something Gideon took heart in? Is the idea that she was stuck on this rock towards absolutely nobodies benefit somehow worse than the idea that she’s somehow being exploited? That’s interesting. Putting a little note in that one.
And we arrive at the premise; it’s a district-12 kind of deal. Insider-whos-as-much-of-an-outsider-as-you-can-be-while-still-being-an-insider is sent into an all-factions-represent gauntlet that she’s fundamentally unprepared for in comparison to her counterparts, making up the discrepancy with rebellion, grit and outside-the-box technique. Definitely going to be an interesting implementation of a YA cornerstone.
You know this was gonna be a short one. I was going to pair this up with chapter 5. Cue that gifset of Newt frantically explaining the exponential increase in the rate of Kaiju attacks
#gideon the ninth liveread#gideon the ninth#the locked tomb#tlt#blastweave livereads#thoughts#meta#aiglamene#gideon nav#harrowhawk nonagesimus#the locked tomb liveread#effortpost
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What I learned from“A Little Life”
This books felt traumatizing and life changing. It’s hard for me to describe what I’m feeling, because after the onslaught of suffering and feels I just feel numb after finishing.
The writing is unique. It’s filled with long sentences and descriptions of places in incredible detail and vivid metaphors. Marvelous how much you can explain a feeling through metaphors. It felt more engaging and understandable and horrific to imagine the metaphors as feelings instead of figuring out what the bodily sensations were supposed to mean.
The long sentences help with the feel like you are inside the character’s thoughts. As they come, long, illogical, associative. It felt incredibly immersive and it makes the book powerful for it. It’s almost impossible to put down, once you get charmed, and I kept coming back to it, despite knowing it would only get painful and frustrating as it went.
The honesty of those thoughts. I believed this was a deep true insight into someone’s head, because the thoughts were at times very difficult, dark, selfish, unfair, honest. Or about people being honest about not being honest and how they felt and achieved their hidden honesty. Mindboggling.
The structure and choice of pov really hightlights how much can be done through literary means to tell the story you want to tell. How much you can use storytelling devices to strenghten and express what you want. The structure was so untypical, so misleading on purpose, it was excellent and changes how I see structure in books. Beginning, middle, end, what characters you introduce, what you zoom in, what you promise and who you actually deliver being played with, subversed, turned on its head. Totally different than the schemas most writing advice teaches. It really is for beginners I guess. Masters know how to break it to their advantage.
Setting. Pov. Voice. Tense. Form. Prose. Flashbacks. Chronology. Everything was so different, breaking rules, jumping around, being unpredictable but then coming together for a united whole.
I have been attracted to this book for its promise of close male friendships and pain that would get comfort. The book delivers and exceeds any limit, throws itself into tragedy and meaninglessness agony and living with it, but the author had very clear messages and themes in mind. She knew what she wanted to say. I realize now my frustration comes with disagreeing with lots of it. But that’s what books, are right? Not here to tell the one and only universal truth, but to explain and argue a point of view. An opinion. An option for living and seeing life. I understand and felt the argument and I still choose to disagree and that’s all right and good.
But it was incredibly insightful. There are wisdoms about human life, one so deep it gave me a puzzle piece I longed for for a very long time.
This book changed how I view pain. Not just a plot device, not just a moment in character life or point in their arc, but as state. Pain can be a state of being, physical, mental and emotional, social and personal, past and present. Pain doesn’t have to be just a singular occaurnce, something to get rid of, it can be chronic, long lasting, spiralling, a way and part of life.
The statement I guess that’s about radical and a bit hard to live with and I’m not sure what to think about. That some things will stay broken. That a person you love can be sick and never get better. And you can give them all the love and care and effort you have and more and it might not be enough and if doesn’t have anything to do with you. Some things just can’t be fixed.
The bonds of friendship. I liked how it got celebrated and centered on, even if I felt a bit betrayed they made Willem and Jude have a romantic relationship in the end after all. But it was an interesting study of the difference and transformation from friendship to romance. What changes, when you have already been close and known each other for decades? What changes from one kind of love to another? Expectations from the outside? That people can’t justify the time and effort you spend on friendships and need labels like romantic partners and family?
It was beautiful though, how the characters made thier own rules. How the four core friends never had kids and most didn’t marry, being sustained emotionally by their friendships. That friendship can be that close and nutricious and life-defining.
The theme of how no person can give you everything. How hard, embarrassing and stressful it can be to get close to someone, so who is worth such an effort? Being with others is in some ways do much harder than being alone. Why do we do it? What do we look for in others that we can’t find in ourselves? What do we give them? How do we find people who appreciate the best of what we give, give what we need back and we all value the same things enough to stay together and look for the mixing pieces somewhere else?
What I didn’t like about the opinions of this book was that comfort and deep affection only came with great pain. As if only horrendous suffering justified men in crying, needing touch and comfort and allowing themselves to get any.
Other thing I was confused about was what Jude and Willem changed about their relationship, when it went from friendly to romantic. In a way the narrative defined deficencies of friendship, while preaching about its uniqueness and importance. So men are not allowed to touch and be that comfortable and physically intimate with each other, not allowed to randomly hug or sleep beside each other or snuggle, when it’s not with their romantic partner? I thought the shift would be mainly sexual, and that aspect gets thematized (and is hard and troublesome for Jude’s trauma about it and his unwilligness to disclose his suffering about it to Willem to not lose him to percieved societal obligations). I don’t know what exactly it is that I’m looking for, but I found it lacking in this story, despite its focus on friendship.
I don’t get where the characters got so much time from. They managed to work overtime, cook too much, play instruments, meet friends, have fancy dinners and meetings, visit threathers and art, travel, have introspective debates about life, watch movies, drive long and slow, swim in the morning for two hours, regulalry visit doctors, work through the weekend, buy several apartments, reconstruct them and then build a whole new house…like what? That’s not humanly possible to achieve. I’m either that bad at time management, or the characters had way too much energy or the author didn’t really check how much hours a day has.
All in all, this was a powerful book and I can see why it’s called a modern day classic, why it won awards, why it is so popular. I don’t regret reading. I don’t think I would do it again though. I want to read more famous and awarded books, want to observe masters at the craft of writing, but I don’t want it to be tragic and hopeless like these. Why do so many classics end tragically? Is there nothing deep about life than suffering and bathing in its pointlessness?
#writeblr#bookblr#writeblr community#writing advice#friendship#male friendship#a little life#spoilers#very minor ones#learning from stories#dreamywritesstuff
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why do you like emma so much? the author depicted her as weak, whiny, only interested in love and always in need of protection, there are stronger girls in the story and emma is the kind of female character we don't need 👎 i hate people who praise her when the character's so dull
Hi, anon... Just a little reminder: in my pinned I expressly said that kindness is very important to me. Maybe it's just my impression and I hope I don't come off as self-defensive, but I don't think the overall tone of this ask falls within the definition of "kind", so please, next time you want to express your opinion I'd appreciate if you'd do it using more proper manners and less misunderstandable tones. Thank you in advance.
Now, I respect everyone's opinions, always, but seriously I don't know what you expect me to say here. The name of my blog is literally drakenxemma, I post about tokrev and Draken and Emma on a daily basis because I love them a not normal amount. What's the point in coming here to spit some hate on a character that did nothing wrong and that I love a lot?
To answer you:
"weak" - FALSE Emma goes through a lot throughout her life and, guess what, she's the strongest because she deals with her own burdens as well as her loved ones' burdens and never loses herself, showing great strength of mind. She's abandoned by her mother, she loses her brother Shinichiro, she sees Mikey gradually descending into pain and darkness and does her best to keep everything together. She won't let all these traumatic events turn her bad, she will stay true to herself until the very end. And this is a form of strength totally worthy of respect, whether you like it or not. Plus, if you think that being strong just means being able to kick and punch (which is a very toxic belief, if you ask me), don't forget that Emma is most likely strong from that point of view too, since, as a child, she took martial arts lessons just like Shin and Mikey.
"whiny" - FALSE When and where? I don't even know what you're talking about here. She literally takes care of the people she loves, she never abandons them and is very loyal to them without faltering. The only instance in which she complains about something is when Draken doesn't give her the attention she dreams of, and it's totally normal and understandable and absolutely consistent with her age and her feelings.
"only interested in love" - FALSE Emma does not only care about romance with Draken. She cares about her brother, she loves her family and friends as much as Mikey does. She protects and helps Hina, she supports Takemichi, she takes care of Mikey and stands up for Draken, etc. And yes, she's in love with Draken and wants to be his girlfriend, she dreams of a love story with him. What's wrong with it? What's the harm in a girl who's interested in love? Let me tell you, this is just another toxic belief: considering a female character "having feelings" as weak and whiny (just because girls are always depicted as more interested in romantic stuff unlike boys) literally means that you unconsciously accepted that much-hated distinction between what's masculine and what's feminine, you're the one falling into the gender roles trap. Can you see where is the problem? The problem is that having feelings and showing them is not a flaw by default, it becomes a flaw when the reader decides that a female character is only valid when she does manly things because said reader actually thinks there's a distinction between what girls and boys should do. This mindset is toxic as hell, it's internalized misogyny and you can't even see it. If you believe (as I hope) that Draken was wrong to think that feelings would make him weak, then you should only accept that Emma being interested in love is not a problem at all. We hate double standards in this house. Boys as much as girls should be allowed to have feelings, with no preconceptions. If a boy has feelings he is not weak, because feelings are for everyone. And if a girl has feelings she is not weak, for the exact same reasons, and also because considering love a "girly" thing is wrong on many levels since what you're saying is that girly=weak which is utterly offensive and ignorant on the reader's part. Does portraying a girl interested in love strengthen the idea that romance is just for girls? Probably, if you can't read with critical thinking. In my opinion it's just up to the reader. Am I saying that the author creates perfect female characters? No, not perfect, they're just good and valid considering the expectations, and also compatible with the setting, the early 2000s gangs, the delinquency environment etc.
"always in need of protection" - FALSE The fact that Draken and Mikey want to protect her doesn't mean she demands protection or anything. Draken and Mikey's will is one thing, Emma's needs are another. And don't forget that, as Mikey's sister, Emma being in danger and an easy target is just a matter of fact.
"there are stronger girls in the story" - FALSE Let's rephrase it: there are strong girls in the story. Each one in their own wonderful way. That "stronger" you used is so so sad, actually. It's as if you're putting girls into competition, which is a big NO. Not even the author does that, why would you? Wakui literally wrote the cutest friendship between Hinata and Emma, even after that equivocal beginning. And Yuzuha, Akane, Senju, all the girls have their own stories and qualities.
"the kind of female character we don't need" - FALSE Maybe you don't need this kind of female character. I very much need a character who makes a unifying force out love, I very much need a character who's strong enough to fight for love and loved ones, I very much need a character who's not afraid to show her feelings, I very much need a character who can cry, I very much need and very much appreciate a character who's strong enough to never let the events corrupt her heart.
"dull" - FALSE Please, re-read everything.
Anon, seriously, I respect the fact that you don't like the character, I am nobody to change your opinion. I truly respect and like different perspectives, it's just that, personally, I can't be in agreement with the reasons given. And I hope my answer was clear enough (I'm sorry, but english is not my first language 🙏🏻). Let me know if you understood my points, I'll try to re-explain if something isn't clear.
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The Road Movie
Most movies follow a general script type depending on genre, and this is used to tell a story that has a satisfying ending. It is interesting when a movie mixes up type and tone and goes against genre type. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it is terrible. Great directing and acting can make the subversion of expectations less jarring (or more depending on the end goal), but the end goal and tone allows us to attach a film to a genre. But what about films that aren't about the end goal? There are many films that are in a sub-genre that focus on the journey with little regard to the end goal. These are what are called "road movies" and can fall under many different genres since the end goal doesn't really matter. Let's address some famous road movies through the years that are also classified in a variety of other genres:
Huckleberry Finn (1931)
The OG of travel films, this was the sequel to Tom Sawyer (1930) and had the same child actors. This wasn't what you would call financially successful, but this was largely due to the Great Depression. The 1939 version of the movie did a lot better and was one of the well known films of child actor Mickey Rooney. This story of travel was an early role for many actors including Rooney, Ron Howard, and Elijah Wood. Although there were threats of death and portrayals of slavery, this film was considered a family adventure in the pre-code film era. I guess a boy escaping his abusive father in the company of an adult escaped slave where people are actively attempting to rob and kill them was considered a fun family romp in the early 30s. This was the same story that came from a book that was banned in schools during the 1980s. It is a great story and I love the works of Mark Twain; I am just surprised at the genre.
Stagecoach (1939)
This is a great movie that transcends the Western genre of which it is categorized. A group of people all have different reasons for traveling from an Arizona territory over to New Mexico. There is word of vengeful thieves and angry Apaches that threaten the small band of travelers. It is actually very intense because the threat feels very real throughout the film. The entire film focuses on the journey and the relationships forged (and broken) on the way. This was the breakout role for John Wayne and was part of an amazing string of films directed by John Ford and starring John Wayne.
Easy Rider (1969)
This is a film that really spoke to the hippie movement during the Vietnam Era. It is statement on how difficult it is to truly be free and how society fears that freedom and tries to destroy it. The film might very well have the worst dialogue of any movie I have ever seen. Actors Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper were actively using drugs throughout film production, so the real draw was the sweet rides and the moving soundtrack. This is a movie where I actually want more driving montages and less character development because I don't identify with the characters at all. Maybe it is a generational gap.
Paper Moon (1973)
This film is amazing. It is the story of a traveling grifter who takes a little girl on the road with him after her mother dies. He teaches her how to make a living cheating people and they form a father-daughter type of relationship. It is a comedy drama that won the girl an Oscar for best supporting actress when she was only 10. Some nice back story, the girl is Tatum O'Neal and is the actual daughter of the grifter, played by Ryan O'Neal. It is kind of strange, but this is a "coming of age" film on the road.
The Blues Brothers (1980)
Now this is what I am talking about. Two brothers go on a trip after being released from jail because they got a message from God. I am pretty sure that this film still holds the record for most crashed vehicles in a single movie. It is also interesting that the film is technically a musical. The brothers stop at different locations and songs break out. In between stops, they are chased by the police in an almost demolition derby style chase. I really enjoy this movie and believe that it really keeps a fast pace (literally and figuratively), but, like many road films, I can't say it is good because it is more of an experience than a story.
Thelma and Louise (1991)
This was an interesting twist on the "run from the law" type of film. Two women are friends and decide go on a weekend retreat. They get in trouble after killing a man who tries to assault them and have to run from the authorities. It has a reputation for being very feminist (despite being directed by accused mesogenist Ridley Scott) because of the negative portrayal of men. It obviously wasn't that bad since it was nominated for 6 Oscars including both leads for best actress. In fact, Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon were both nominated for best actress at the Academy Awards, the BAFTAs, and the Golden Globes. It is the quintessential road film since the end goal is constantly changing and best defined as "away from here."
Natural Bork Killers (1994)
This was kind of a strange film. It is a crime drama where the audience follows two killers with traumatic childhoods as they meet and go on a murder spree. Similar to Bonnie and Clyde, but with gory murders as the focus over bank robberies. It is directed by Oliver Stone, and criticizes the glorification of violence by the media. It is most definitely a road movie because the end goal for the two is simply to be together and enjoy the rush of breaking the law. Hm. It is actually quite a bit like Bonnie and Clyde. Interesting. I would like to make a note that my mom hates this film because of the shaky cam and Dutch angles. It made her feel sick at the theater.
Road Trip (2000)
OK. This is far and away my least favorite film on this list, but it is the most famous "boner road comedy" that I am familiar with. It is a high school/college coming-of-age film that focus on the sexual pursuits of a group of young men. These types of films are marked with gross out humor, gratuitous nudity, and boys trying to have sex. There was a bunch of films like this that came out around the early 2000s and they all had to do with boys traveling some place in search of idealized sex (the plot on this one is a little different, something to do with a sex tape) and generally they find that the best girl for them was there by them all along. It takes a nice idea of character development and throws raunchy jokes and boobs at it. I was not a fan, but it was definitely a thing.
Death Proof (2007)
This is much better shlock. It is the Tarantino version of exploitation grindhouse films of the seventies, but updated to be a women empowerment film. It was part of a double feature that was paired with a horrific zombie outbreak film directed by Rod Rodriguez, but this one is much better on its own. It is the story of an old stunt man who travels around looking for unsuspecting victims whom he can run down in his indestructible car. This is a great example of what a road movie can be because Tarantino took the concept of a slasher and put it completely on the road.
Mad Max Fury Road (2015)
Here is an action revenge film in a post-apocalyptic wasteland where most of the film is driving. The producers couldn't find a director who they trusted with remaking George Miller's Mad Max franchise so the 70 year old Miller said "hold my beer" and made this masterpiece that is arguably better than any of the first three (edit: I guess Miller always intended to direct but it took so long to go into production that he joked in interviews about giving up on it). The original trilogy with Mel Gibson presents an amazing world where most people are nomadic and traveling can be a life or death proposition. Fury Road is the further adventures of the character and his interaction with one Furiosa. The use of many practical effects on moving vehicles that was garnished with CG effects made for one of the best action films in the last decade. It was more than a simple movie about traveling; it was a land were the road was life and everything surrounded the ability to be mobile enough to get supplies in a dead world.
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This is by no means all of the road movies. The Wizard of Oz is technically a road movie. The Grapes of Wrath is a critically acclaimed road movie from around the same time. Comedies like The Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit, and National Lampoon's Vacation can all be classified in the genre. Rain Man is one of the best films of all time and it can be classified as a road movie. What it comes down to is that, when considering characters, a writer should think about the journey itself and think of how the leads interact with this entity. The road might be the best character in the whole story.
#road movies#thelma and louise#stagecoach#huck finn#mad max fury road#death proof#road trip#natural born killers#the blues brothers#paper moon#easy rider#introvert#introverts
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Fruits Basket Manga Review ch (76 & 77)
So, I decided to read the manga mainly in search for a more natural balanced female presentation than the idealistic, shallower, savior depiction of tohru in the anime.
I’m intentionally skipping all the chapters of her as a (mother figure) in yuki’s life & won’t read them or even visit them for comparison with the anime. I love yuki’s growth story & the unique depiction of his platonic relationship with tohru, but if his mother-tohru phase was a drink, then the anime has force fed it to me till it came from my nose! So, for yuki, I’ll be reading his growth past-his mother confession.
I’ve consulted my lovely manga readers friends & thy recommended starting from ch 90 since the content in that chapter was completely cut! but some recommended checking kyoto chapters first since they contain a nice glimpse of the author’s style & artistic vision. Kyoto ep in the anime isn’t focused on “mom-tohru” so, i like the idea! I’ll jump to ch 90 right after ch 77.
- Subtle growth of a woman ( Clash of visions & presentation between the manga’s “ Loosing the wallet with mom’s photo vs the anime’s fractured photo frame):
I really love the underlined connotation of tohru loosing her “mom” unknowingly! In the anime, this scene played without any reference to kyoko & tohru’s attachment to her. We saw tohru the teenage girl confused as she experience romantic love for the first time. Nothing more than that. But the manga says “ Main female MC is way deeper than a (mom-figure) or a (girl in love), In this panel, tohru chases after kyo & unknowingly looses her famous wallet containing her mom’s picture. Here’s what this subtly indicates:
Normally, tohru would notice right away that her wallet is missing, here she never even notice until kyo suggest they hang out together. Subtly indicating that tohru is moving further & further from her phase of “ an afraid, grieving, abandoned child clinging to her mom”.
Normally, tohru would panic, say “ mom is missing” & everyone around her goes into search mode to make tohru at ease (hiro’s ep). Here once she notices, she says “ my wallet is missing” & kyo relaxed & laughingly gives her her wallet back. While he goes to bring the wallet, tohru instead of thinking “ oh nearly lost mom!” is musing over the fact that “it’s strange that kyo can make me happy or sad with one word only”. Subtly indicating that tohru is replacing her mom with kyo as part of growing up from the child she was to the woman she will be.
Tohru calling kyo “mysterious”, subtly explains that tohru is in the uncertain phase of understanding her feelings as a woman & hence, pave the path for upcoming trauma exploration & psychological depth.
The entire scene in the manga is depicted to convey different layers: romance, upcoming growth, & unexplored traumatic issues of abandonment, grief, & human weakness. “ Accepting human Weakness & change” IS the manga’s vision.
In the anime, the fractured picture worked simply becuz no issues of any traumatic experiences with tohru were ever hinted. Nothing abt tohru being a young woman moving away from a traumatic childhood was ever implied beside the weakly sharply cut & forgotten few scenes of her mysteriously going “ im okay” while remembering her dad’s shrine. Was there ever anything abt replacing her mom with kyo? Nope!. Was there anything abt tohru reluctance of loving kyo? Nope! to fix that, let’s shock the audience with empty photo frame! It’ll make the viewers confused & if we play the climax right & give tohru a tearjerker speech confronting akito, all is good. It worked in the anime as it served the purpose it was created for: shock value & drama. ppl bought it. But in the long run, it cemented tohru as the “savior angel” never the “ weak human”. But not many will have issues with that. Having yuki with his impressive story of growth & kyo with his shocking story of pain is enough to distract from the rest. The director must think: What does the audience want?
a woman who’d save the prince with her motherly care?“ Done!”.
a woman who’d love the monster? “ Done !”.
a woman who has her own deep story? no one will miss that~ skip!
-Yuki’s next stage of growth: Friends:
I like how smoother the scene played here. Yes, yuki thinks back to his gratitude to tohru, but it plays subtly & more emphasis is on his friendship with kakeru. No added scene of him waving back to tohru after kakeru which brought the focus back to mom-tohru again. No. Here is way less shoved in your throat. Yuki says how he felt in the moment, moved on to the next stage, thought abt his life & choives, moved on to school. Clear lines that makes yuki more dynamic & way less “ living in his head” character.
Side Notes:
The manga’s art is pretty but expressive! I was afraid it’ll have that weird eyes bigger than the moon & too much sparkles & bubbles like the usual old shojo manga art!
Yuki is way more expressive than the anime & less pretty & sparkly! I welcome this with flowers & songs! lol.
Tohru has “low” pigtails instead of the child-like high pigtails! YES! it is crazy that this trivial change adds so much to tohru’s presentation to the viewers’ eyes. In real life no big deal but in an artistic medium such choices send subliminal messages to viewers minds, that’s why artists spend a lot of time choosing their characters default appearance. It means a lot for the character’s overall path & sends messages. High child-like pigtails: make her look like innocent & naive child since viewers usually associate such hair do with children & toddlers. Low pigtails: are cute girly style that we associate with teenagers & young adult women, it’s practical & cute.
Kyo’s looks as youthful & handsome as the anime but less angry, annoyed & more versatile in his expression! It always bothered me that the anime just go with kyo’s default frowned face, hands in pocket looks unless he should express a key emotion. Also, kyo without an undershirt in his uniform! interesting change from the anime.
I missed kyo’s two buddies! T_T. Why they weren’t in the anime’s finale.. could’ve at least put them in the underwhelming graduation ceremony ~
I really appreciate that yuki’s fanclub are one page, less annoying.
That awkward moment when a manga panel drawn by one person can depict a crowded city more than an anime with a huge team. Like the anime didn’t even need to zoom out for a huge wide shot that showcase its weakness in depicting a crowded city. If you can’t draw that, just zoom in to lessen the effect of emptiness. kyoto isn't a deserted area especially not during a school trip!
The teachers checking on the sneaking vs sleeping students scene is a welcoming sight! XDDD
Hana met kakeru before? saw him & tohru together? weird!!
Kakeru is more focused on tohru here.
I really love the photos taken for everybody. It indicates real good time! Hana eating, yuki around girls, arisa annoyed, kyo teased with playing card: did the play “rich man poor man” again? XD
I’m starting to love yuki more in the manga than the anime!
Kyo having short inner thought abt not being able to tell tohru a girl confessed to him & deciding to say “ none of ur business” is doing wonders to the scene!!! it makes him less mean to tohru & more balanced character. I mean I guessed so in the anime, but what could've prevented making the VA say this short line of inner thought?! Yuki’s VA says essays & essays in nearly every ep abt nearly every character?!.
I liked the way kyo held tohru’s hands when he turned to her, the way he held her hand in the anime is a bit weird. lol. Also, in this scene, tender gentle kyo is so well-done both in the anime & manga. The manga wins for the zoom in & focus on emotions, tho.
Next is chapter 90!
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Love Cuts Deep
Chapter 7- Touch Me Under The Stars
Bucky Barnes x reader Series Rewrite (Civil War, Infinity War/Endgame, TFATWS)
Summary: Now that Bucky is finally out of Cryo, the two of you adjust to life in Wakanda.
Warning: fluff, smut (it gets spicy), Bucky being soft
Masterlist
Life in Wakanda was something you could never have ever dreamed of, they literally had everything here. The buildings were huge, the people so interesting and lively, the scenery absolutely breathtaking, and the tech? Out of this fucking world to put it bluntly. Tony Stark who?
Though you’d be a lying fool if you claimed to be fully satisfied with your new corner of the globe, you had a place to exist and feel comfortable in, even a nice apartment overlooking the city that’s attached to where Bucky is currently being held in.
Right. Bucky.
He’s been on your mind as of late, well in actuality he’s been consuming most of your brain processing for the past couple weeks since you and him arrived here with T’Challa and Steve after the mess in Siberia.
Another painful memory added to the already long list of traumatic experiences endured by you throughout these past sixty or so years. But you’re surviving, well enough for the most part that is; you see Steve left soon after Bucky went into the Cryo chamber. Leaving yourself all on your lonesome in a strange new country with no friends but T’Challa.
If you could even consider him a friend.
Who by the way, makes you still feel pretty uncomfortable around considering all the times you beat the shit out of each other in the past, and he thought you and Bucky killed his dad, so it’s been light treading even if he insists it’s all in the past.
On a lighter note you met his little sister Shuri, who upon discovering who you were and what you can do, immediately began marveling at the fact that you have Adamantium claws in your forearms. She was thoroughly impressed and asked for you to cut a lot of random expensive looking objects for scientific purposes only.
Well that’s what she claimed at least. Other then then those two, you’ve been pretty solitary for the most part. Which has really started getting to you recently, something that T’Challa has begun to notice.
That man is too observant for his own good.
Wind rustles the jungle trees from outside this large glass window in the lounging area of King T’Challa’s extravagant home. They sway freely in the open sun as they stretch their great green leaves to the beautiful sky above. But no bout of joy resides in your heart this day, no matter how enticing the weather may appear.
Soon a new presence is felt in the room, though it’s nothing to be alarmed about as he walks to your side, a thoughtful yet concerned expression crossing over his kingly features, “Are you finding your stay here welcoming Y/N?” Wonders T’Challa softy as you slowly blink.
“I am.”
He frowns, you’ve been quit talkative before, but now you barely even speak to anyone, “My friend I know you are not alright. Please tell me what troubles your heart.”
Dammit he’s good.
Sighing, you hug your sides as he patiently awaits an honest answer, frowning, you reluctantly begin, “I thought I would be fine....I’ve always been alone for most of my life anyways. Never counted on anyone but myself. Never needed anyone but myself. That’s how I survived. It’s just now.....I have Bucky. And I care about him more then anything in the world, but he’s gone.......well not really but, you know.” You whisper before turning your head towards some tall trees so that the king cannot see the way that your eyes brim with unshed tears. God the ache you feel for him is almost unbearable.
Understanding your deep sorrow from your lovers absence, T’Challa slowly nods, “I cannot fully express an understanding of your pain, as I have never felt it like the way that you have now. Nor have I lived the life of your own.” He admits as you turn your head to catch him in your peripheral vision, not quit ready to meet his unthreatening gaze.
He swallows before continuing, “But this I do know, you are a warrior if I’ve ever known one, and I know many.” Chuckles the king, “You fight fiercely and love deeply, Bucky should be proud to have you by his side. I may envy that kind of love, though I should not say it, it is true.”
A stray tear slides down your cheek as you quickly wipe it away with the back of your hand, “Love.” You whisper softly in thought, “I do love him, yes....very much. I’ve been withdrawn lately, because well, I guess I miss him more then I’d realize I would. I hope your people help him. That’s all I ask for, I’ll wait forever if I have to.”
“You might not be waiting quit that long actually.” Reveals Shuri as her familiar footsteps wander into the large sun-lite room overlooking the jungle, “My team just needs a couple more days with him and he’ll be good to go for the most part. Though the process of fully becoming free from the trigger words may take a little longer....his mind will still need time to heal.” Explains Shuri as she moves to stand on your left, opposite of her half-brother.
At this your heart speeds up with excitement, eyes turning to face the smiling princess , “I don’t want to threaten royalty, but I might break a couple of your lounge chairs if you’re lying to me. I’m not joking.” You add half jokingly as T’Challa lightly chuckles.
“Now I do not doubt that.”
——
Today you’ve been summoned into the lab in preparation for Bucky’s defrosting, claiming that having a familiar face as the first thing he sees was probably the best for when he wakes up again, at least that’s what the doctors told you.
And of course you didn’t even hesitate to say yes. So now here you are in their cleaner then a soap bottle lab, standing nervously a couple feet away from the Cryo chamber as some scientists go about their duties to his left. It’s strange, he looks relatively peaceful and serene, like he’s having a nice little nap while standing upright and covered in frost.
Nonetheless Bucky looks handsome as always, soon a tiny subconscious smile tugs at the corner of your lips as you await the aftermath of the defrosting process. A button is hit and the familiar whoosh of the air chamber fills your ears as bouts of warm white steam push up into the air from the bottom and sides of his chamber.
The inside goes foggy before one of the scientists flicks a switch and the glass door pops open to emit a plethora of tiny clouds that float up and dissipate just as quickly. In the aftermath, your eyes search for Bucky, he’s still sleeping and is covered in a couple specks of blue frost, his hair undoubtedly wet from the chamber’s atmosphere.
“Give him a moment, he may be slightly disoriented as the body wakes up again.” Explains Shuri from the doorway as you bite your bottom lip anxiously in anticipation for when he’s finally conscious.
“Right.” You nod in understanding, “Not like this isn’t the first time I’ve seen him this way.” You mutter with a depressing chuckle.
A second later you’re alerted to the sound of someone sucking in a deep breath, immediately your head snaps over to witness as Bucky stirs, his fingers curl back to life as his lips part. Then soon after his two icy blue pools slowly reveal themselves to the rest of the lab as he takes a look around.
Your fists grip tightly onto the fabric of your jacket as Bucky swallows before blinking back the slight blur of waking up from a couple weeks of hibernation. The scientists, Shuri, and you study his movements as Bucky’s brow raises in thought, his eyes only on you.
“How longs it been?” He wonders before taking a step to get out of the Cryo chamber.
“Exactly a month and a half Mr. Barnes.” Chirps Shuri enthusiastically as he nods in understanding before she gives a glance between the two of you, “Alright, I’ll give you and Miss. Valerious some time to catch up while we check your vitals.” Adds the princess before exiting out the door, the other scientists following suit.
Now it’s just you and your Bucky; glancing at the floor, the two of you wander into a semi-awkward silence before he finally breaks the ice, “You look good.” He mutters softly, a small reassuring smile on his pink lips as your eyes trail up to meet his.
Revealing a breathy laugh, you shrug, “Hardly. But you on the other hand, white, I like it. It’s a good color on you.”
His stubbled cheeks flush pink as he smiles brightly, “I think I remember you telling me the exact same thing before I went under.”
“Well I just told you again, because I mean it.”
“Well I like the new style..” Points Bucky to your outfit, “it’s Wakandian but very Y/N.....I like it.”
Shaking your head you begin giggling at his adorable compliment, “Barnes you’re too much....but seriously, how do you feel? Are you dizzy? Nauseous? Thirsty?”
He smiles, “No, uh....I actually feel pretty good honestly. I could go for something to eat though, I’m starving.”
Walking over you gently take his hand in yours, “Say no more. T’Challa’s got everything here.”
——
After Bucky got readjusted and evaluated by Shuri’s team of incredible scientists and brilliant doctors, Bucky was well on his way to a full recovery from the years of mental torture given to him by Hydra. The words didn’t affect him anymore, the anxiety surrounding the very thought of breaking and turning on everyone again was a thing of the past.
He was your Bucky, completely.
In the following days after, T’Challa found a nice place on the outskirts of the grand city where you and Bucky could lay low and recover for some time as needed. Not wanting to over due your stay in his lavish home, and also wanting to feel the breeze again, you both agreed to live in a little village on the edge of a large pond.
All of it was Wakanda, so neither you nor Bucky stressed any worry that the Romanian and German authorities would come bursting through the front gates to whisk you away for your crimes. Or Tony Stark for that matter, he definitely hates you guys without a doubt in your mind.
Definitly with good reason, but that doesn’t mean you’d ever dare give Bucky up.
But on to greener pastures, it’s truly a possible thing that you’ve never seen Bucky in colors besides black or faded red shirts. But now? He wanders around in the brilliantly beautiful colors of Wakanda and her people with a brighter smile on his lips and lack of one arm for the time being.
Ah yes, the arm.
For the most part he’s been fine about it, though he needs your assistance when getting dressed or when attempting to wash the grime from his growing mane. Although, and fortunately for you, he’s still quit proficient in the area of love making with no decline in performance with lack of one arm, much to your satisfaction and his.
Besides that, it’s amusing, since you’ve been staying in this little friendly village, the kids have begun calling him the White Wolf when they want his attention. Which in turn earns a small smile upon his lips, one because he knows you usually hear it and think it’s adorable, and two it’s probably the first honestly kind thing anyone has ever placed on him, ever.
Walking across the villages center area, past huts and ladies washing some of their tunics, you follow the excited rambling of one of the village children as she talks a mile a minute about how you just have to see this really cool thing right now without exception. So of course you have to see this really cool thing, right now.
“Y/N! Y/N! Come! Faster you’re going to miss it, hurry you’re being slow.” Urges Ryn’a with a wave of her hand as she beckons you to starts running with her.
Heeding to her urgent request, you give her aunt a pursed lip grind before racing after the sprinting child, “This better be very interesting, or I’ll throw you into the water again!” You playfully threaten as she giggles across the grassy field.
Soon you’re crouching behind a rock as she peeks over the stony edge, ducking back down, she gives you a mischievous grin, “The White Wolf doesn’t see us.”
Raising a brow you nod, “This is what you wanted me to see? Him?”
Shaking her head she rolls her dark eyes in amusement, “No. We’re hunting.” She smirks in excitement as your brows furrow in confusion. Huh?
“Uh.....what?” Suddenly you connect the dots, “Are we hunting the White Wolf?” You ask, pretty damn positive that’s where this little adventure is going.
Shaking your shoulder excitedly she squeaks with joy before instantly catching herself and quieting down real quick, “He’s just over this rock. Chopping wood for the fire tonight....we need to hit him with a stick okay, then we run.”
Slowly nodding, your eyes trail over her excited face, “Hmm, okay. But I gotta ask, did Kova put you up to this and I’m now an accomplice?”
Biting her bottom lip, she diverts her gaze to the bushes behind you before mumbling out, “He might have......and if I was to hit the White Wolf on his head without getting caught. I’d get to play the drums for the fire tonight.” She whispers almost embarrassed.
Giving her a kind smile, you gently touch her shoulder in reassurance as she looks to you now, “Well then. Looks like we’re on a wolf hunt today, huh. Lucky for you, I’m great at throwing sticks.”
Immediately she squeals in joy before standing as still as stone, “Sorry.”
“No worries. I don’t think he heard a sound.” You reply, snatching a ruler sized stick from the ground before peeking over the grey sun kissed rock.
There he is, in his red tunic completely oblivious, using a Vibranium axe to chop away at the wood for tonight’s fire dance. Sitting back down, you press your back against the stone as Ryn’a clenches her fists in excited anticipation, “Ready, Y/N?” You nod as she smiles.
“Okay good....don’t miss.” She warns.
“I never miss.” You muse before turning back around, your eyes peek up over the edge and watch as Bucky sets another log on the flat rock, he hauls the axe down, splitting the wood in two.
Setting the axe down again, he walks over to the small log pile before selecting one and setting it back on the flat rock, bending down to grab the axe and when he stands to his full height again...
Smack!
Instantly the dry weather worn stick flies from the back of his head to the ground below as he throws a wary look in your direction. Though he sees absolutely nothing but a big grey rock and some bushes. Touching the back of his head, he looks down and swiftly picks up the relatively unthreatening piece of dried wood.
Studying it like it’s the holy grail and will give him all the answers to eternal life and whatnot, he throws it to the ground before continuing with his duties as you turn back to Ryn’a. “That was a good hit.....can you do it again? Please?” Mutters the little beast as you settle down from that adrenaline rush of perfectly nailing Bucky in the back of his head without getting caught.
Let’s not forget you were one of Hydra’s most deadliest assassins.
Her dark chocolate eyes stare pleadingly and puppy-like as she fake pouts, “Please Y/N? I won’t ever leave another turtle in your house ever again....promise. I promise, please?” She quietly begs as you contain your laughter.
“Yeah alright. But you’re gonna have to run cause he’s probably gonna figure out where the second one came from.” You add with a smirk, “I’ll deal with the wolf after. I can take him.”
“Yes!” She squeaks, “Oh, sorry I mean....yes.” She whispers quietly as you search for a new stick to throw.
Soon enough you find another and cautiously look around the side of the rock this time, there’s Bucky, setting another log on the flat rock before slicing it in half. Instantly the biggest grin pulls your lips into a Cheshire Cat smile as he turns to grab another log.
Smack!
“Hey! Who was that?!” He shouts in confusion as Ryn’a bursts with laughter before booking it back to the safety of the village while you crouch there behind a rock cackling like a child.
God that was such an accurate hit too. And he didn’t even see it coming.
Suddenly you hear the sounds of feet running against the earth, when Bucky makes it to the back of the large rock you’re nowhere to be found. Brows furrowing, he looks at the bushes and then over to the nearby village before shaking his head and turning around to walk back over to his usual duties for the day.
Only now he’s confronted by the casually innocent face of you who’s standing there with the axe slung over your shoulder, “Something scare you Barnes?” You muse with a small laugh before nodding towards the wood, “I mean these logs can be pretty scary I won’t hold it against you. You might have seen a snake, who knows.”
Sauntering back over to you he stands there for a moment just observing your casually calm self, “Why do I have a suspicion you just hit me with a stick. Twice.”
Shrugging, you slam the axe into the dirt before rising up to meet his humored gaze, “Maybe it was a Rhino, maybe it was a little nine year old who needed me to win her a drum. Guess you’ll never know.”
Glancing from the ground then back up to you again, Bucky shakes his head at your theatrical antics, warm smile ghosting across his lips, “Well just so you know it didn’t hurt.” Assures your big tough man with a nod.
“I’ll use a bigger stick next time.” You quip as he takes a step closer to you.
Handsome face breaking out into a beaming grin, “Come on, let’s go for a walk. I’m tired of chopping wood.” He says as his fingers ghost against the bare skin of your sleeveless shoulders, “I just want to be with you.”
Touching the side of of his stubbly cheek affectionately, you smile, “Where too? By the pond?” Which causes him to snort a breathy laugh.
“No, I don’t trust you by open water.”
You shrug in agreement, remembering the first time you both arrived here and the children brought you into a splashing fight where you got Bucky’s hair all wet, “Yeah that’s fair.”
——
After enjoying a pleasant evening walk together, eating a delicious traditional Wakandian meal, and watching the performers for the celebration dance and beat on their drums for hours into the night. You and Bucky decided to steal away from the festivities and have a little moment together under the stars, just you and him, nothing and no one else.
“That was nice wasn’t it.” You mutter as he lays on his back next to you, “I like these people. They’re kind.”
Turning his head to meet your shadowed face, he smiles adoringly as you keep a steady gaze set on the stars above, “Well, no ones trying to kill us so I’d say we’re doing alright.”
“We are, aren’t we. Who would have thought that shit huh? Two ex-assassins, two fucked up people like us laying like sappy teenagers under the stars. This almost feels like some stupid romantic film.”
Bucky lets out a proper laugh this time as you send him a humored look, “What? I’m being honest!”
Quickly he rolls onto his side to face you, a new sultry flicker flashing through his dark gaze, “Maybe I like being sappy with you.” He mutters lovingly before trailing a finger across your jaw as you study his face.
“Sappy with me? Why Mr. Barnes are you flirting with me this fine evening?” You muse with a breathy chuckle as he smiles brightly down at you.
“I was hoping you’d notice, is it working?” He asks, a hopeful look in his dark blue eyes.
Leaning closer, he’s pleasantly surprised when you gently press your lips to his, “My God James you’re making me swoon.” You jest before snickering at your shitty old-timey accent replacing the Eastern European one, “Why I’ve never met such a character, now tell me Mr. Barnes, are you a single man?”
Holding in his laughter, he takes a breath before answering, “Doll, I’m taken.”
Gasping in mock surprise, you quickly sit up before pushing him onto his back by both shoulders, your legs to either side of his torso as your faces keep mere inches apart, “Well, well, well how about that.” You slyly tisk, your natural accent dripping heavily as it sends a thrill through Bucky, “Lucky woman indeed. But I can guarantee you, I’m much more enticing.”
Bucky shivers as you lean your body closer to his, your silky hands to either side of his flushed face as you smile a devilish grin in the darkness, “I don’t doubt it.” He rasps, voice just barley above a whisper, lips so close to yours now you could almost taste him.
“I just realized something.” You suddenly mumble against his plush inviting lips.
Bucky hums in reply, to completely and utterly enthralled by your seductive charm to even form a coherent sentence, you smirk before rising to properly sit up against him, “Bucky, you look better in the dark.”
His stomach rises with a deep laugh that rubs pleasingly against your growing warmness as he gently squeezes a hand on your right thigh, “You’re gonna get it for that one.” He muses, appearing like he’s about to flip you over but you’re not having any of that.
Pressing a hand against his firm chest, you suddenly grind your clothed nether regions slowly and meticulously against his lower stomach. He quickly lets out a low guttural moan as you lean down to press a chaste kiss against his lips.
Pulling away, you rest one hand on the thin Wakandian blanket that’s keeping you two from the dirty ground below, your other hand gently trailing down the side of his stubbly face, “Just let me make love to you okay? If you want that i...”
“Yes!” Interrupts Bucky with a great bout of enthusiasm before catching himself, “I mean....uh, yes please.” He mutters, failing to regain his composure as you circle your hips against his fiery skin. Oh, you are certainly enjoying yourself.
Smiling into the half moonlight, your eyes trail cautiously over to the burning village bond-fire a small trek away, seeing everyone laughing and minding their sweet business you then immediately pull your shirt off, your bra following right after just as quickly. Laying discarded on the nearby grass for later; Bucky’s eyes go wide with lust as the outline of your curves and protruding breasts flash like gold in the moonlight.
God you’re so beautiful, he thinks, and all mine.
The smile that Bucky gives you could just about light up a room on the darkest of nights, he wants you, he needs to be consumed by you, to feel you for all that you are. You can see it by the way that he rubs your partially exposed thigh, by the way his eyes never leave yours and when they do it’s to wander around your divine vessel.
He’s never been more in love then in this very moment, if that’s even possible; he’s never really spoken too deeply about it, his time with Hydra. But he’s undoubtedly glad that you found him when you did, he was in a dark place then. Lost and alone, on the run and keeping to the shadows as best he could from the rest of the hungry eyes of the world.
Then one day out of the blue you showed up with nothing but your wits and a kind smile to show you meant no harm, all you wanted was to see him again after all that time apart from your escape and his imprisonment with Hydra. He was sent to kill you, but you came back to him anyways.
He didn’t understand it at first, when he began to realize what falling in love truly felt like, but with time it came to him. At first sight wasn’t something that happened by any means, he was nervous to see you, standing there so innocently in his apartment in Bucharest. He thought he was being careful, he thought he was safe.
But then Hydra’s most prized weapon and most difficult one at that, you, had shown up to make sure he was okay. He couldn’t believe it, but what scared him the most as he let you stay with him, he was slowly but surly beginning to fall in love with you.
Now that was a new feeling he hadn’t felt in decades, you intrigued him, made him laugh with the simplest of offhanded side comments, made him try to be a better person. And most of all you made him feel wanted and loved, and that is something he will always hold dearly to his very heart and soul.
Because as you’ve said to him, you’re his ride or die no exception, you’ll always be there to throw a punch for him or to gather himself in your arms when the darkness threatens to consume him for all he’s worth.
You’re not afraid of him like so many are, you don’t run from danger, oh no, when Bucky’s concerned. You’re ass will fight to exhaustion to keep him safe and alive. Which so far has proved a very useful state of mind in consideration to the past events that have currently led you two on this ever changing roller coaster.
From Bucharest to Berlin, a flight to Siberia and a long skip down to Wakanda; you two will be by each other’s side no matter the distance. Because to put it bluntly, you’re all Bucky has left in the world and Bucky is all you have either, one without the other would be a dreadful existence.
Luckily for you, Bucky’s incredibly alive and doing pretty damn alright all things considered. Also for the current moment, he’s becoming an undone mess underneath you. Which is just what you’ve wanted, he deserves it.
Trailing a fiery pathway of butterfly kisses from his collarbone all the way up to his neck and jawline, Bucky emits a deep groan of pleasure as you palm him through his baggy pants that have started to tent with the pull of his growing hardness.
His lower half is still clothed while your whole body is free for the shimmering stars to bear witness to, and Bucky of course. “Y/N. Please.” He rasps as you feel up his clothed manhood while you grind tirelessly against his bare stomach, the sensation no doubt drawing you into a blissful rising climax to follow.
Stopping your pleasurable attack to his hardened member, you swiftly roll off of him as you decide it’s time to get things rolling, “Alright hot stuff get that shit off, I need you inside me right the fuck now.”
“Give me a sec...” Grunts Bucky as he kicks off his pants into the grass before you help him prepare to slip off his underwear, holding the top rim of the fabric, you generously pull it to his ankles before he kicks them off completely.
He chuckles as your face flashes with delight once all the goods are finally shown at long last, “See something you like?” Quips your man as your head snaps up to meet his amused gaze, huh were you staring?
A hot second later you’re hovering directly above his heated body as he strains from grabbing your soft hips and pushing your slick entrance into him. He wants you to enjoy yourself more then anything in the world, so instead does he pull you in for a heated kiss.
“I see many things that I like.” You whisper against his soft lips before slowly sinking down onto him, the sensation of his fullness and girth pulling you into a world of bliss.
Your smile is almost provocative as he moans, the sounds of his pleasure sending sparks of electricity into your system, “God Buck, you feel so fucking good.” You praise, rolling your hips back and forth against him shamelessly, God he loves it when you sweet talk him
He smirks against the corner of your lips before kissing your cheek, “You.....to-too.” Stutters Bucky while you continue to relentlessly ride him like a wild bull, the rocking of your hips causing him to forget how to properly speak.
He looks absolutely angelic, dark locks spread out upon the Wakandian blanket, shirtless, and face smiling with great happiness and joy that he’s been so terribly deprived of for such a long time. Not anymore. Not if you can help it.
Biting your lip when his member twitches inside you, you’re helpless to stop as a soft voluptuous whimper leaves your parted lips unexpectedly when he bucks his hips into you for some more friction. Noticing how well this new action is being received by you, Bucky does it over and over again until you’re nothing but a moaning mess above him.
Dammit he knows how to make you feel good.
Your body falling fully onto him as he makes you cum hard, “F-fuck.....oh God Buck, fuck me.” You mumble against his lips as he thrusts up into you over and over until he finally spills inside you with a concentrated grunt.
“oh.” You gasp breathlessly as Bucky flips you onto your back in one skilled motion, still deep within your wet warmness as his whole body presses you wonderfully into the soft blanket, “I hope they can’t see us.” You point out as Bucky chuckles before kissing your jawline, strong hips pushing against yours as he parts your legs further with his large body.
“It’s dark out.” Mutters Bucky in reply as he pulls another moan from your sweet lips, “They’re dancing.....and we’re....oh fuck....uhh....yes...” He can’t even finish his sentence as you suddenly squeeze your walls tightly around his cock as a second orgasm hits you, “Dear God Y/N.” Moans Bucky while you trail pink fiery lines down his muscular back.
Smiling against his lips, you fully enjoy the sensation of his thick member sliding in and out of you at a blissfully rapid pace as he continues to make a mess down there with his pleasure inducing actions. You’re incredibly grateful for the fire dance celebration happening a little ways away and all the loud pounding of the tribal drums that masks over the sounds of yours and Bucky’s intense love making on the Wakandian savanna.
Biting your lip, you can’t help when more whiney moans slip from your mouth, he’s a relentless force of lust and love that’s on a mission to see you filled to the brim with pleasure once more. He needs you, he wants every single inch of your heated vessel, he needs you to come for him just one last time.
“Y/N.” Mumbles Bucky against your parted lips as you slowly nod in acknowledgment, too fucked out to think. He smirks, “Cum for me, last time okay.” Says your lover sweetly as his hips roll against your sweaty skin, sending waves of building pleasure on a crash course for your hot core that’s pulsating in delight.
Digging your nails into the slick muscle of his broad back, you suck in a breath while his hard member slides in and out of you with ease. You’re about to come undone right under him yet again, the power of this man you could just about die happy, “Fuck,” You whimper helplessly as he kisses your cheek, “oh God Buck I’m close.”
He smiles proudly as his hips thrust forward, cock sliding deep within your warm walls as his manhood presses on the brim of your entrance, working absolute wonders on your over-stimulated clit.
Soon enough, the tight coil bursts open, sending shock waves of absolute radiant bliss that causes your muscles to tighten and shake reflexively. A sudden wetness slips out around his cock and onto the Wakandian blanket that’s definitely going to need a deep cleaning tomorrow.
The new liquid slides down your inner thighs as your body slowly yet surly comes down from your salaciously erotic climax; head unclouding the thick fog away, you take a deep breath only for yourself to realize you just squirted for the first time ever.
And it appears Bucky has just come to this thrilling realization too, locking eyes with him, you’re greeted with a sly smirk, “Did I just make you squirt?” Muses Bucky in underlying excitement as you simply roll your eyes.
“Well, it’s not like I can deny it considering it’s all over the blanket, among other places.” You sass back, still aware of how he’s still buried deep inside you, “Proud of yourself?” You add with a small laugh.
Kissing your lips in reply, he pushes himself up by his one arm to gently slip out of you before laying in an exhausted heap at your side, “Actually. Yes, I am very proud of myself thanks for asking.” Quips Bucky while his hand trails down your bare rib cage before a huge grin reveals itself in the darkness, “I just made my girlfriend squirt!” Shouts Bucky without a care in the whole goddamn world.
Smacking his arm, you quickly sit up and look around, though it appears no one even knows you two are out here, “Will you shut up!” You whisper yell down at Bucky who’s giving you the biggest white toothed smile ever, “Stop smiling it wasn’t that impressive.”
Faking a half offended look, he pats your leg affectionately, “It was! And you seemed to be enjoying it so just accept that I’ve gotten better at this.”
You scoff, “I never said you weren’t. It’s just we’ve been together for almost three years and that’s the first time I’ve ever done.....that. So..”
“And it just happened so therefore I am amazing and you’re just going to have to accept how hot I am Y/N.”
“Buc..”
“I was getting you all hot and bothered doll.” Winks Bucky seductively as you shake your head at him, a reluctant smile creeping onto your beautiful features anyway.
“God you’re so old.”
Bucky snorts, “And aren’t you 65 or something? Sleeping with a 90 year old man....Y/N you’re getting out of hand.”
Shoving his hand off of your leg, you swiftly fall into his side as his arm curls up to wrap protectively against your waist, “Bucky shut your ass up.” You snicker, “I liked you better when I was on top. All you did was give me that “oh god Y/N oh fuck me ohhh I’m gonna I’m gonna...”
Bucky squeezes your side, “Okay. Okay. I get it you little asshole....let’s just, let’s just rest a moment yeah?”
You hum, shifting yourself so that you can lay against his chest, “Getting mushy on me now Barnes?” You whisper softly with a playful smirk.
A small smile pulls at the corners of his plush lips while he glances down at you, “A little.”
For about twenty minutes the two of you keep silent, just listing to the yelps and thunderous pounding of the drums from farther away. There is no reason to leave, no reason to move, no reason to speak. Just you two, laying wrapped up together in each others loving embrace, taking in the moment for as long as you can. The future is always uncertain, so every single second with Bucky is a blessing to be cherished and consumed for all you can take.
His breaths are slow and steady as you feel the soft rise and fall of his muscular chest that’s pressed against your breasts and face. His fingers run gentle line up and down your naked skin as you hug him close.
“Do you remember when we first saw one another?” Asks Bucky, his voice almost startling you. Lips just barley brush against your naked shoulder as he holds you close, your face nuzzled comfortably against his dark hair.
You pause, eyes blinking as they shift over to Bucky while he awaits an answer, “It was a long time ago Buck.”
“I know. But do you remember?”
Shrugging, you shift a bit to have a better look at his face, “I do. But you were the Winter Soldier and I was.....something I never want to be ever again.” You mutter, the sadness and regret deep in your soft voice.
All goes silent for the next couple minutes before Bucky suddenly kisses your shoulder, “I thought you were beautiful.”
Yours brows raise as you pull from his right grasp to sit up on one elbow while you look down at him, a lump forming in the back of your throat as you hold back tears. You didn’t expect to get this emotional but here you are naked and bare for him, “You did?”
Bucky nods in the darkness, heart hurting when your voice cracks, he’s never told you a word about how he felt when he was a weapon, “And every day after that.”
“oh.”
“I didn’t want them to.....well, you know.....I didn’t want to forget you.” Confesses Bucky, “I’m so fucking glad I didn’t. Thank you for finding me Y/N....I owe you my life.”
Biting the bottom of your quivering lip, he smiles adoringly up at you, “Bucky....shut up you’re going to make me cry you bastard.” He laughs as you indeed shed a couple stray tears in this soft moment of vulnerability with your sweet man as he holds you protectively in his arm.
“I mean it...every single word, you mean so much to me Y/N. The world would be a darker place without you in it...”
You lower your head in shame, all those buried memories piling up all at once, “No. No it wouldn’t be....I’m part of the darkness Bucky...you know that..”
“Y/N, look at me, please.” Begs Bucky as you begrudgingly lift your head for him to meet your tearfully sad eyes, “Don’t let them win. What they did to us, what they made us do....you’re so much better then all of that. We’ve changed Y/N, for the better and you know it...the words can’t break me anymore and you, you’re free.”
“Okay.” Is all you’re able to rasp out before more tears fall willingly from your eyes, tiny water droplets of grief and remorse pattering against his bare chest, Bucky’s heart breaks for your pain and loss, and everything those fuckers at Hydra put you through before your escape to freedom.
He knows how much you hate yourself for all the innocent people you killed, granted not many were adherently innocent, but there where many that died by your hand because wrong place wrong time or by Hydra manipulation. Selling you false secrets that painted some people who were indeed good, as the enemy equal to the worst kinds of humans.
He knows, and he refuses to let you fall into this dark pit of despair, “I love you...okay, Y/N I love you so fucking much.” His words are well heard and received as you bury your face into the crook of his neck.
There he holds you tightly, there he will protect you with his life, and there he will stay with you under the stars until dawn breaks out over the horizon.
-
Tagged: @diegos-butt @minigranger @bibliophilewednesday @holyhumorliteraturelight @lilacs-lavender @a-girl-who-loves-disney @starkssnarks @vikingqueen28 @bizarrebibitch @atomicpersonacheesecake @jmstz @staygoldsquatchling02 @marvelbros-oneshots @shawnartmendes @mischiefmanaged71 @jckie94 @iamasimpingh0e
#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x reader#the winter soldier#the winter soldier x you#the winter soldier x y/n#the winter soldier x reader#marvel imagine#marvel x y/n#marvel x reader#marvel x you#marvel#tfatws#the avengers imagine#avengers x fem!reader#avengers x reader#avengers x you#james buchanan barnes
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playing pretend
a/n: hello hello hello! i have a prompt fill for this Dark!Stephen AU from @ironstrangeprompts and im just gonna post it before i can start second guessing my writing lmao
tw: mentions of torture, injury, implied past abuse
Prompt: Dark!Stephen AU. The avengers never really notice Stephen’s pacifist to-a-fault superheroing style until one day a magical incident corrupts him/magical entity possesses him. They’re treated to a completely unhinged and lethal Stephen, the avengers realize just how much Stephen was holding back, what with his quick work dispatching all of them, resulting in very heavy injuries. However, he takes special interest with Tony Stark, whom he has been dating for a few months now. He has Tony all strung up in the middle of the battlefield in front of the other broken and beaten avengers, he taunts and tortures him. “Being a doctor and a sorcerer is so very useful, I can break you in very precise manners, put you back together and then do it again.” When he gets bored of Tony’s screams and decides to end him permanently, Stephen suddenly snaps back to normal. The real Stephen has been battling internally to gain back control, knowing that he’s about to kill the love of his life gives him the final push to break free. He portals them all to safety and to receive medical help. Cue heavy angst and Stephen trying to make it up to them but especially Tony, who insists that everything is fine and that he knows it wasn’t the real Stephen. However they both know that Tony is just putting up a brave front and is undoubtedly traumatized by the incident. Up to the author on if they want to end it in a bleak or hopeful tone.
It took Tony a few minutes to register his surroundings when he woke up. He wasn’t lying in a makeshift coffin of bent metal, broken bones, and the ruins of the building. The familiar baritone, the melody of his waking world, wasn’t hollow and cruelly taunting him. Stephen sounded like himself, soothing and loving and reassuring but worried and tired all the same. Tony heard guilt in his partner’s voice, delineating his dream, his memory, from the present. He wanted to follow that voice, the real Stephen’s voice, and leave the past behind them. Guilt was eating away at Stephen as he tried to calm Tony down and wake him up. He defaulted to the standard promises and phrases when Tony had nightmares, but this time was different. This time Stephen was the cause of the nightmare, and he knew it. No matter how much Tony said it wasn’t his fault, that everything was okay, Stephen knew he had to repair the pieces of Tony’s trust he’d obliterated.
Tony thrashed again in his sleep, feebly kicking the air in front of him just like he did on the battlefield. “Stop!”
“Sweetheart,” Stephen began, unsure of what to say. “Tony, wake up. You’re safe, no one will hurt you.”
“Stephen!” Tony groaned and thrashed again, his eyes still shut as he fought to wake up. “This isn’t you… don’t do this.”
Stephen barely held back tears as he spoke again. “It’s over Tony, I’m back. I’m me again. I won’t hurt you, I promise I’ll never hurt you as long as I live.”
Tony was shaking when he finally woke up, unsure if he was even breathing. He opened his eyes hastily, studying the look on Stephen’s face. Stephen looked concerned, even worried, but unsure of himself as he murmured soothing nonsense to Tony.
“Breathe, Tones,” Stephen said. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It’ll be okay, I promise. Just breathe, we’re alright. I’ll leave you be once I’m sure you’re okay, and—”
Tony wrapped his arms around Stephen and hugged him tightly. “Don’t you dare. Don’t go… please don’t go Stephen.”
“I can’t risk scaring you again Tony. I’ve already hurt you enough, it’s not fair to keep putting you through this,” Stephen argued, fighting his urge to hug Tony back.
Tony only held on tighter, determined not to let Stephen leave.
Stephen still wanted to disappear, but he quickly understood that Tony wouldn’t let him go that easily. The mechanic was still shivering and trembling, slowly starting to calm down as Stephen hesitantly hugged him back.
++++
They both woke up at the same time, almost four days later. Stephen woke up slowly, feeling like he was underwater or in a fog, while Tony started awake across town.
It was pitch dark in the room, the heavy curtains drawn shut to keep out any intrusive light. It was the middle of the day, judging by the clock Stephen kept on his nightstand, but he couldn’t feel the sun on his face, or see any light from his window. He was bathing in pitch black. At first, he thought he was dead, doomed to an eternity in darkness, when something red bloomed and came to life beside him. Even now, his Cloak was always dramatic, comforting as it covered him like a blanket.
As his eyes adjusted, Stephen registered Wong and Christine on the other side of the room, just studying him.
Christine was the first to meet his stare, rushing to his bedside. “How do you feel?”
Stephen grimaced in pain as he shrugged. “Not great, thanks.” There was something else on his mind, but he was too afraid to ask. He was almost too scared to hear the answer.
Luckily, Wong spoke up before Stephen could ask. “You slept for three and a half days, Strange. How much do you remember?”
“Something attacked the Compound… I think it was me,” he mumbled.
“Not exactly,” Wong began, gentler than Stephen had ever heard him.
“Possessed or not, I still attacked!” Stephen sat up, paying the price as he rose quicker than his body could handle. “It doesn’t matter if I saved everyone, not if I almost killed them first.”
Neither Wong nor Christine spoke, and the cloak simply wrapped tighter around Stephen’s shoulders.
“You did save everyone,” Wong said finally. “And you banished whatever entity possessed you. We still haven’t figured out what it is, but…”
Wong’s voice trailed off as Stephen stopped listening. His head started to hurt as he remembered, in searing detail, more of what happened and what caused him to snap out of the state he was in.
Tony was near silent, his voice failing him after hours of tortured screams. Somewhere, somehow, Stephen knew that he was the one hurting him, the one causing Tony so much pain even though he promised never to hurt the hero. He wanted to stop, to end all of the carnage he’d brought to the Compound, to his friends who were starting to feel like family, to Tony… but he couldn’t. The hand controlling his impulsive strings was strong and steady, and it wouldn’t rest until Stephen finished its bidding.
His movements were mechanical as he strode, like the marionette he’d become, to stand in front of Tony.
And Tony just looked at him with a defeated, almost calm look on his face.
Stephen’s voice sounded distorted when he spoke, preening with a twisted smile as he bent to look upon the man of iron. “Accepted your fate?”
“You won’t be the first person I’ve loved who’s hurt me,” Tony said, between pained breaths. “There’s nothing to say.”
Stephen tried to back up, to keep himself still, but he couldn’t fight the influence of his controller and struck Tony again. “Arrogance is unbecoming.”
Tony inhaled again, deeper and more pained this time but somehow even calmer. “Go ahead and finish the job. I won’t hold it against you, Stephen.”
Stephen was hyperventilating when he heard Wong’s voice again, pressed against the headboard of his bed like he was backed into a corner.
Christine approached him tentatively, resting her hand on one of his shoulders.
Stephen recoiled away from the touch and curled up on himself like a turtle retreating in its shell. He ducked his head under a pillow, shaking in fear and pain from moving too quickly. “Did I… did I kill him? I remember everything until I was about to… please tell me I—”
“You didn’t.” Christine cut him off, hoping to keep her friend from spiraling further. “Wong said you saved everyone, and that includes Tony.”
Stephen sobbed just hearing his partner’s name. Guilt wracked his entire body as he cried harder and harder, his magic running through his veins. Was he not this exhausted, he’d probably set fire to something from his high levels of stress and fear, but all he could do was cry until he fell into painful sleep.
++++
He didn’t finish it.
He didn’t listen.
Tony remembered the horrified look he saw on Stephen’s face, the remorse in his eyes as he sent a vaguely corporeal figure of dark energy through a portal.
Tony remembered the way Stephen apologized again and again as his eyes started closing, overwhelmed by the pain seizing his mind and body. A part of him hoped that Stephen had listened, that maybe the last thing he’d see in this life would be the face he’d come to absolutely adore…
… But he’d woken up sometime later in the MedBay, wanting to see Stephen more than anything. In spite of everything that’d just happened, or maybe because of everything that’d just happened, all Tony really wanted was to go back to sleep, preferably in his partner’s embrace. That really didn’t seem like too much to ask for.
“How are you feeling, Mr. Stark?”
Tony almost didn’t notice Peter pacing around on the ceiling, in fact he didn’t know his pseudo son was even in the room until he suddenly landed a few feet away. “I feel great, Kid. Definitely not like I took a ton of bricks to the face.” He didn’t remember the gory details of the fight, so Tony couldn’t say whether or not he was being literal.
“Welcome back, Boss,” FRIDAY said, a hint of worry in her voice. “And good morning. It’s currently half nine on Tuesday. I’ve been asked to inform you that Col. Rhodes has returned from Washington and has volunteered to lead all reconstruction projects for the Compound. He’s also asked me to keep you updated and will be coming to see you this afternoon.”
Tony sighed. “Thank you. Wait… that means Rhodey came back early?”
“He did,” FRIDAY replied simply. Her voice sounded like what a nod looked like as she continued. “Would you like me to tell him that you asked about him?”
“Sure, but don’t bother him. He doesn’t have to rush to see me,” Tony replied, knowing that Rhodey would probably come anyway. He was maybe the one exception to what Tony had told Stephen earlier, before…
“Col. Rhodes will be here within the hour,” FRIDAY announced.
“Thanks Fri.”
Peter, who had started pacing on the ceiling again, asked what Tony had been wondering since he woke up. “Where’s the Doc?”
“I dunno, Pete. I’ve been wondering that myself,” Tony admitted. “Fri, you wouldn’t happen to know… would you?”
“As far as I can tell, Doctor Strange returned to the Sanctum following the… altercation… on Thursday,” the AI reported.
“What? Altercation? What happened?” Peter landed on the floor again, looking more worried than Tony thought he deserved to.
“There was just a small wizarding mishap, don’t worry about it,” Tony said. He shrugged, trying to reassure Peter as much as he could. “Not even an emergency, Underoos. We would’ve called for you if it was.”
Tony also didn’t want Peter to see what happened. Maybe he was sheltering the kid, but he didn’t want Peter to ever find out about the attack on the Compound. It was bad enough that the team, even in their varied states of consciousness, saw what they did. They saw the fear in Tony’s eyes, saw him slowly surrender to Stephen’s ruthless attacks until he just stopped trying to fight the sorcerer. Tony knew he couldn’t parry these magical attacks, couldn’t break the spelled restraints… but he didn’t want Peter to see how easily he’d given up.
If Peter had more to say, he simply chose not to ask about it. Instead he just shrugged. “Glad you’re okay, Mr. Stark. May heard from Pepper that you got hurt, so I wanted to swing by… no pun intended.”
“How many times do I have to tell you that calling me ‘Tony’ is fine?” Tony asked, rolling his eyes warmly. “I’m fine, Pete. Not up for working in the lab today, I’m afraid, but—”
“That’s okay! My suit isn’t going anywhere, we can upgrade anytime,” Peter replied. “I promised May I’d be home for movie night, but I just wanted to come see you.”
Tony smiled softly. “You’re a good kid, Son. Get home safe, and I’ll give you a call when I’m back in working condition.”
“Thanks IronDad!” Peter was gone in a second, leaving Tony in the quiet with his thoughts.
“Fri?” He asked after a few minutes.
“Still here, Boss.”
“Will you… will you tell Stephen I want to see him?” Tony asked.
Maybe he was the spoiled brat everyone believed, or maybe he was exhausted and touch starved and showing signs of an addictive personality. Tony didn’t know, he didn’t care, and he just wanted his sorcerer back.
“I’ll let him know,” FRIDAY replied, softer than normal.
++++
“Stephen, it’s been days. Days since the attack, days since you holed yourself up in my library like you’re going into hibernation—”
“Good morning to you too, Wong.”
Wong may have laughed at Stephen’s attitude if he didn’t feel so bad for him. Stephen was completely out of it, so much so that he didn’t even realize how late in the day it was. “It’s almost eight, Strange.”
Stephen just sighed. “Did you need something from me?”
“Stark is asking for you again. I think you should see him.”
“You said that yesterday,” Stephen muttered.
“I’m saying it again now. I know you, Stephen, I can read you like any book in here.” Wong began. “You’re trying to outrun your guilt but you know it’s not that easy. Ignoring Tony isn’t going to make things go away, and it’s not going to make either of you feel better. He misses you, and I know you miss him too.”
“I don’t know how I can even look at him after what I did… he trusted me,” Stephen whispered, looking down at his lap. “I broke his trust.”
“Not willingly, and he knows that,” Wong reminded him. “It wasn’t you, Stephen.”
Stephen ignored him, beginning to tremble as he thought back to what Tony had said to him. “He told me he wouldn’t hold it against me… that I wasn’t the first of his loved ones to hurt him. I don’t know what I could do or say to prove to him, let alone to the team, that I’d never hurt them again.”
“Hiding away in here isn’t helping to prove that,” Wong said.
“You just want your chair by the window back,” Stephen accused him.
“Of course I do! But I also care about you and your happiness. If you need anyone to vouch for you, I’ll be here,” Wong replied.
“That sounds like you’ve made up my mind for me.”
“I have. Go now, before it gets too late.”
Stephen opened a portal to the tower, just outside of the lab. “I doubt Tony would be asleep, he’s always awake.”
His suspicions were confirmed as he closed the portal. Tony was in his lab where Stephen thought he’d be, a mug in one hand and a pen in the other.
Stephen’s entire body trembled with nerves as he opened the door, the cloak knocking loudly and dramatically to make his presence known.
“FRIDAY, Quiet Place Protocol please,” Tony said. He looked up and smiled sadly at Stephen as the lab’s usual blaring music shut off. “Hi.”
“Hey.” Stephen suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself. He was too scared to get any closer to Tony, afraid to hurt him, but at the same time all he wanted was to hug him.
The cloak made the first move, flying off of his shoulders and resting on Tony’s.
“Aww, hi Levy.” Of course Tony had a nickname for the relic, he had nicknames for everything and everyone.
Stephen found it annoying in the most heartwarming way, and he couldn’t help but smile as Tony sat down at his workbench.
“You can come over, you know?” Tony asked, half teasingly. “I told you I don’t bite, Steph.”
Stephen felt like a marionette again as he walked towards his boyfriend, but his heart was in control this time. He wanted to protect, to cherish, and to spoil the man in front of him with nothing but love and attention. He was just afraid, still unsure of himself as he studied Tony’s face. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey… I know.” Tony opened his palms on his lap, silently asking to hold Stephen’s hands.
Stephen let him, trembling harder as Tony held him gently. “I don’t know what happened, Tony. Something took over me, and I couldn’t stop it. I’ve never been overpowered like that before, and I didn’t know what to do. But please listen when I say that I promise it’ll never happen again, I mean that’s a given if you leave me, but—”
“I’m not leaving you,” Tony said firmly. “I know you weren’t voluntarily doing all of those things.”
“I never, ever wanted to hurt you. I still don’t want to hurt you.”
“You didn’t.”
“Tony…” Stephen took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “Tony I could’ve killed you. The entire time I was trying to break the curse, to get that thing out of my system, I almost killed you. And you almost let me do it.”
“I did.”
Stephen didn’t know what to say. Tony had that calm, accepting look on his face mixed with a kind, trusting expression. It was the same look he’d given Stephen in the ruins of the Compound, and it hurt. It didn’t feel like an apology would be enough to make things right, but what else was there to do now? “I’m sorry, Tony.”
Tony slid his arms around Stephen’s waist and pulled him into the hug they’d both been needing. “I’m fine baby, it’s okay. It’s over.”
Stephen knew it wasn’t just over, and he knew Tony knew it too. But in the moment he was too fatigued to fight about it and let Tony hold him closer. “Have you been sleeping?”
“Trying to,” Tony replied. “Not to be cheesy or whatnot, but I do sleep better with you next to me.”
“May I take you to bed?” Stephen asked, sounding even shyer than when he normally asked that. “Please? I know it’s early, but I wouldn’t object to a nap.”
Tony nodded, shifting to press a chaste kiss to Stephen’s lips. “That sounds nice. FRIDAY, save and shut everything off please.”
“Engaging ‘You Shall Not Pass’ protocol, Boss,” FRIDAY reported dutifully.
Tony scoffed. “Remind me to never let you and Peter give Fri name suggestions again.”
“You could just change it if it bothers you that much.” Stephen chose to remind Tony of that instead, even though they both knew Tony was secretly fond of the movie references hidden in his protocols. “Besides, that serves you right for calling me Gandalf all the time.”
“If the shoe fits, babe,” Tony said. He stood up, keeping an arm wrapped around Stephen’s waist as they left the lab and headed for the elevators.
Despite feeling safe and loved in Tony’s arms, more than he could have ever hoped to be and probably more than he deserved, Stephen was still anxious. He felt out of place in the Tower, never mind the fact that he usually spent half of his time there, and he felt even more out of place amongst the team.
“How are the others?” He asked quietly, afraid to hear the answer.
“They’re getting better.” Tony saw no point in sugarcoating the truth. Stephen would see right through it, and that wouldn’t help him process everything. “Carol and Thor are both bored of training with each other, but no one else wants to spar with either of them yet. Or with Natasha, for that matter.”
“Does anyone ever want to spar with them on a good day?” Stephen asked, trying to keep the mood light.
“You’re all a bunch of sore losers who can’t rise to a friendly challenge” Natasha quipped, suddenly materializing in front of the couple. “Tony, what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why is he here?”
“Natasha, I—”
Natasha pointedly ignored Stephen. She never disliked the sorcerer, she was actually indifferent and had no issues telling Tony that, but Tony’s trustful, rather soft nature was a concern of hers. It worked in her favor, sure, but she was really trying to be a better friend to Tony and look out for him more. It was this concern that motivated her to look at Stephen with disgust. Natasha wasn’t scared of him, she took heavy damage in the attacks but it was more minimal compared to some of the things she’d put his friends and family through.
Tony was acting as if none of that happened, and that couldn’t stand.
Natasha frowned and glared at Stephen as she addressed Tony. “Tony what the hell are you doing?”
“I’m not—”
“Don’t play dumb and tell me you’re not following. What are you still doing with him? You barely sleep more than an hour without waking everyone up screaming from phantom pain and nightmares! Do you think we can’t hear you yelling and begging for Stephen to stop torturing you and just kill you? Because we all do!” Natasha took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of her nose. “And after all that, you’re holding him like nothing is wrong? I don’t understand how you can be so forgiving sometimes.”
She stormed off before Stephen could defend himself or before Tony could respond. Her words echoed in Stephen’s head as Tony continued to lead him down the hallway, into the elevator, and into the penthouse.
Stephen sat dejectedly on the bed as Tony shuffled around the room, grabbing a few blankets from the closet. He didn’t say anything as Tony made a little nest of pillows and blankets, the cloak joining the haphazard pile the minute Tony curled up under a throw. Eventually Stephen allowed himself to lay down, offering no protests as Tony hugged him again.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized again, mumbling into the soft fabric of Tony’s shirt.
“I know,” Tony said simply. “Relax sweetheart, it’s okay.”
He was still tense, curling up smaller in Tony’s arms. “Are you okay?” The sorcerer asked.
“I’m fine,” Tony reassured him. That was half true. He was fine, to a point, but there were things bothering him that he had no idea how to tell Stephen about.
Eventually they would have to face the music and talk about everything, and they both knew it. For now, Tony was somewhat okay with ignoring it, clinging to the hope that having his Stephen back would keep the memories at bay.
Tags: @stark-strange-love2 @salty-ironstrange-shipper @funkylittlebidiot @richieleeparker @chocopiggy @hatakehikari @taruyison
#ironstrange prompts#prompt fill#tony stark#stephen strange#ironstrange#ironstrange prompts fill#dark!stephen strange au#peter parker#natasha romanoff#christine palmer#wong#james rhodey rhodes#irondad and spiderson#FRIDAY#tw nightmares#tw implied tortune#tw implied gore#christine is a good bro#wong is a good bro#everyone loves tony including stephen he loves him so much#yeah yeah yeah i know this doesn't fully ansewr the prompt#answer*
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Lost in Zero Gravity (P.20)
Title: Lost In Zero Gravity (Part Twenty) Summary: Fem!Reader x Mob Boss!Tony Stark x Mob Boss!Steve Rogers. Reader is a call girl who runs high end parties. She catches the attention of Tony Stark who invites her back to his room with his friend. She might have performed too well because she becomes their new favorite play toy and they don’t like to share. Words: 2,859 Warnings (for the fic in entirety): Smut, prostitution, infidelity, angst, domestic violence, stalking, possessive behavior, drug use
Author’s Note: Steve has feelings! But he’s still a dick. And so is Tony tbh.
Part Nineteen || Part Twenty One || Masterpost (mobile) || Fanfic masterpost
Steve walked into the Avengers facility, heading towards the conference room where Bucky and Sam were supposed to be waiting. He was already on edge with how Y/N had reacted to the whole situation. He had expected her to be upset but she acted like she hated him. Even after he had told her she should think about the money. He hoped the next time he saw her, she was a little more grateful and had more perspective on the situation considering she would be more separated from her initial adrenaline.
The meeting was quick, the supervisors meeting with them over hologram. They were pleased with the result, having captured Qian and the illegal bombs he was trying to sell to Perez. The trio hung up feeling relief that everything had gone smoothly. Sam got up quickly after they hung up, telling them he had to meet Natasha to go over the next mission he had already been handed. That just left Steve and Bucky in the room.
“Is she alright?” Bucky asked as Steve started to get up from his chair. Steve leveled him with a look before settling back in the chair.
“She’s fine,” Steve returned curtly.
“She didn’t seem fine,” Bucky told him. Steve shot him an annoyed look and Bucky said, “Well, she didn’t.”
“She’s prone to dramatics. She’ll get over it in no time. Plus, she’s got protective daddy Tony to coddle her. I’m sure he’s already back there to cuddle and pamper her. She’s becoming a spoiled brat. And he’s not helping.”
“Didn’t he tell you to not get attached?” Bucky half joked and closed his mouth when Steve glared. “Right. Stark is a ‘do as I say, not as I do’ kind of guy.”
Steve shook his head, tapping his fingers on the table. “With what everyone knows about us, you would think it would’ve been me to catch feelings,” he muttered. “Not the playboy.”
“So, you’re telling me you have no feelings whatsoever,” Bucky said, unable to keep the disbelief out of his voice despite the calmness of his tone. Steve glared across the table at him again, and Bucky stared back defensively this time.
“Does it matter? She’s not my wife,” Steve finally said tightly. “Besides, like I told you, Tony is encroaching.”
“Tony’s married too—”
“Tony doesn’t give a shit about his wife. They’re married at this point for the kids, appearances, and for his ego. The last probably being the most important to him.” He chewed on his bottom lip and looked at Bucky with a guilty conscience.
“What?”
“I wasn’t even supposed to be around her.”
“What do you mean?”
“Tony already threatened me to stay away.”
Bucky cocked his head, this being new information to him. Steve had not told anyone about the encounter between him and Tony after the meeting where they saw Laurie, save for Wylan and Eric who had seen the encounter. They had kept their mouths closed after Steve had threatened them.
“I might have… been messing with her birth control.”
Bucky looked dumbfounded and he shook his head, leaning back. “Steve—”
“Don’t you give me a lecture too!” Steve snapped. “You don’t know what it’s like. To be so in love with a woman and then realize she’s only in it for the money ultimately. And you can’t… let her go. Even then. And then you have her pregnant and not know if it’s yours or not because she’s been messing around.” He paused before exhaling sharply. “And then we had Y/N. And that seemed a perfect opportunity. One to start fresh. And I liked her. She’s cute, funny, great in bed, has her own interests. It was good. Even if it meant sharing…” He trailed off.
“You didn’t want to keep sharing though,” Bucky commented after a few moments of silence. “You wanted her to love you.”
Steve said nothing.
“And she went for Tony,” Bucky finished.
Steve’s jaw ticked and he clipped, “Even after his wife knocked her a good one.” He met Bucky’s eyes again and said, “So, again, what does it matter? I tried to give her an angle of paying her debt off – slowly but surely – and she still didn’t respond. So, The only thing I need to keep track of is if she’s pregnant or not. And we will cross that bridge when we come to it.”
<><><>
You woke up, hearing the soft purr and feeling the fluff against your neck. Luna had curled up on the bed next to you.
Tony was still in bed, dressed. It was dark outside; how long had you been sleeping? He noticed you were awake and looked away from the hologram on the tablet he was working with.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked, closing the hologram.
You shrugged, stretching underneath the sheets. “I guess.” Luna jumped off the bed as you stretched, stretching on the ground herself before trotting towards the door. Probably to go eat.
“As well as you could,” Tony said as a matter of fact and you eyed him. He sounded like he understood what that felt like… sleeping under stress.
You nodded, “Yeah. As well as I could. Thank you.”
“Are you hungry?” he asked. “I had Shake Shack delivered.” You smirked at that and he asked, “What?”
“You and burgers.”
“It’s a comfort thing,” he told you.
Sitting up, you smiled at him. “Well, yes I would like to indulge in comfort with you.”
Your eyes drug down his face and you bit your bottom lip. You needed to keep Tony happy, he was protecting you. Before dinner, you wanted to give him a good time. He had kept his word, staying by you while you slept when he knew you were frightened. That meant something.
“Wanna work up an appetite?” you asked, scooting closer.
“Y/N, you don’t have to—” Tony started to say but you silenced him by forcing your lips to his, your hand holding the back of his head. He gave up on protesting then, very easily, kissing you back with fervor.
Tony helped you get out of your dress and you went to tearing his shirt off, his belt going off next, and subsequently everything else. The skin on skin contact was comforting, and you fell into it, sinking into the intimacy to escape. He felt safe.
Climbing on top, you sunk down onto him slowly. He breathed shakily, his hands at your hips, holding tight as you adjusted to his width. Inch by inch you took him, deeper each time you rolled your hips.
Pushing the thought of the ending of the last time you had found yourself in this exact position, you rotated your hips slowly at first, picking up pace over time. Tony threw his head back against the pillows, his eyes closed, biting his bottom lip. Hands planted on his chest, you worked him and yourself up into a frenzy before you both fell into ecstasy in each other.
Panting, you rolled off of him, him rolling with you, holding you in a tight embrace. His kisses were soft and fierce at the same time along your jawline and up to your lips.
Holding you tucked to his chest, he whispered, “I love you” in between kisses.
The words got stuck in your throat, but he did not seem to notice as he continued caressing and kissing you. You were not ready to say that yet.
<><><>
“Baby, I gotta go,” Tony told you, hovering over you as you woke up the following morning.
That woke you up out of a dead sleep and you sat up further. “For how long?”
“Not long. Just the day. I gotta go home for a bit and then go to the office. Terrence is going to stay in here. I told him no matter what, to stay in here and you are not to leave, even if Steve tells him it’s okay.”
Worriedly, you asked, “And he’ll listen to that?”
“Yes.”
He sounded sincere and you reluctantly said, “Okay.”
Tony gave you a quick kiss on the forehead before he straightened up and walked out of the room. Luna had jumped on the bed and crawled on top of you, kneading.
You looked at her and asked, “Wanna watch Netflix?”
<><><>
Tony saw Steve coming down the hallway. He had gone home for a couple hours, hanging out with the kids. Alessia had not refrained from making the comments about the ‘vacation’ he lied about being on as the excuse of why he had been gone for the days he had been. He had ignored her and enjoyed the play time as well as he could.
But now it was business and he faced Steve with intensity.
“Coming in pretty late, aren’t you?” Steve commented stopping in front of him.
“Spent the morning with the kids,” Tony replied shortly.
“Not with the princess?” Steve taunted.
Tony was not impressed with this response and snapped, “My office.”
Without another word, Tony turned on his heel, heading for it without waiting to get a response from Steve. Steve simpered to himself before following Tony into the office and closing the door. As soon as the door was closed, Tony went in quick.
“I gave you a chance, Steve. I told you to not make me have to tell you three times!”
“So, is this you telling me for the third time?” Steve asked sarcastically.
Tony stepped closer and pointed angrily, “Do you remember when you were so fucking offended she even insinuated that you would hit her? Do you remember that? Let me be the one to tell you that you have done so much worse!” Steve gave a wry laugh and Tony snapped, “You traumatized her, Steve! She is a fucking mess!”
“Oh, give me a break. Don’t buy that overdramatic shit,” Steve retorted. “She’s milking it for attention!”
“And how dare you tell her I knew about it!”
“Was she mad about that?” Steve asked sardonically just to push Tony’s buttons more. “I’m sorry. Did she not let you ride her?”
Tony started to sneer, “You stupid son of—"
“She earned money,” Steve cut in.
“Don’t play that card.”
“What card?”
“Like you were helping her!”
“Was I not?”
“Were you serious about giving her money to pay off some of her debt?”
“Yeah. I was,” Steve told him, and Tony shook his head, furious. “What? Why not dangle the carrot?”
“Because that’s fucked up, Steve!”
“And what we were doing before wasn’t? Who cares if it never came to fruition? She still could have felt some accomplishment from it!”
“We weren’t lying to her about what the situation was like you just decided to pull!” Tony raised his voice defensively.
“You think she’s going to ever be happy? With either of us?” Steve asked Tony seriously. “Sure, we weren’t lying to her before and she knew she was supposed to do whatever we said. But is that really a basis for a good relationship? I mean… apparently you think it is. Like I said before.”
Tony ignored the jab and said fiercely, “Steve, if you have even a slightest bit of hope she is pregnant, why are you doing that shit to her?”
“I have confidence in myself and my team. And it proved right, as it usually does. She didn’t get hurt. And as far as her being pregnant, yeah, I had that on my mind. If you didn’t think I had that on my mind…” He paused before saying, “I wouldn’t have put her in that situation if I wasn’t confident. Trust me on that one. I’m not reckless like you. Racing for her when you’re not even a professional.”
“Oh, fuck off. That was completely different.”
“How?”
“I didn’t leave her! I had no intention of even attempting to do that! It was to protect her! Not to complete some stupid mission she had no business being a part of!”
Steve threw his hands out before they came to rest on his hips. He let out a laugh, “Right. Tony. Always the savior.”
Tony asked annoyed, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean,” Steve snapped. “We’ve already had this conversation! It’s established you’re good cop and I’m bad cop now. I’m sure you already told her about me with the BC now that I’m painted as the bad guy just to make yourself look even better.”
Tony stepped closer, pissed off. “You know what, Steve? No. I didn’t. I didn’t tell her when I found out and I still haven’t told her. I wish you would have a little bit more faith in me than that!”
“Oh, so we are both in that secret now. I’ve made you an accomplice. Wonder what will happen when that dam breaks when she finds out she’s pregnant!” Steve snarled at him.
Tony exploded, “She’s not pregnant, Steve!”
Steve looked flabbergasted for a few moments before he scoffed, “You don’t—”
“I do!” Tony bellowed at him, causing Steve to close his mouth in surprise. “I made her take a test the same goddamn day you told me! It was negative! So, no! She’s not!” Steve ground his teeth, staring Tony down. Tony ran his hand through his hair and exhaled sharply. “So, you’ve got no stake in that. And it seems you really just do not give a shit about her outside of that. You’ve proven that! It seems like it’s just money for you now. And if it’s money you’re worried about, do you think I won’t buy you out?” Tony gave a wry laugh, throwing his hands out. “Me? Not be able to throw some money around? I’ll give you even more if it’ll guarantee you don’t come within 300 yards of her!”
Steve was still silent, shaking his head.
“What? What do you have to say?” Tony exclaimed irritated.
“You don’t know for sure yet about the pregnancy!” Steve said in a low voice, shaking his head again.
Tony gave him an incredulous look, “Are you deaf, Steve? I—”
“I heard what you said! You… god. Do you even remember how it worked or did Alessia just handle it on her own?” Steve asked him harshly. Tony waited expectantly and Steve shrugged, “That answers that. You need to do it two weeks after a missed period.” He held up two fingers for dramatics, pissed off. “You asked her about that? If she’s had one yet? She’s been off the pills for over a month! You can definitely take a test too early! It just happened with Cecile, I should know!”
Tony was silent now and Steve scoffed loudly. He stepped closer and said angrily, “So, you can coddle her and play your big bad protector, sugar daddy role.” Tony clenched his jaw at that, insulted by the comment and Steve pressed on, not caring; it only made him more animated. “Whatever you are planning on doing. She was far too fucking over dramatic when I saw her last anyway. She’s your problem for now.”
“’For now’.”
“Yes, for now,” Steve snapped back at him. “If she is pregnant, I am not going to let that go.”
“Looks like you’ll be waiting on yet another pregnancy test to see if it’s yours. Funny how you keep finding yourself in these situations,” Tony said coolly.
Steve stared at Tony, looking murderous for about two seconds before he laughed a curt laugh. Tony knew it was coming a split second before Steve swung at him. Tony almost moved quick enough but he got clipped.
As he stumbled, he hit the arc reactor. The suit built around him quick but not quick enough because Steve socked him again, sending him spiraling. But the suit’s hands dug into the floor as it completed, catching Tony before he fell completely flat. He was up in a second, meeting Steve’s oncoming fist.
“Steve!” Tony grated as Steve yanked his hands out of the suit’s grasp with effort. “Stop it!”
Steve ignored him, swinging again and Tony deflected. Steve swung again and Tony gripped Steve’s fist in his and struggled to hold him. Steve got free and socked Tony again, knocking him back. Tony sent a short burst of power at him, knocking Steve onto his stomach. Steve was back up in a moment and Tony was ready with an uppercut, sending Steve back to his knees.
His office door opened and Happy was standing there with Rhodes.
“Stay back!” Tony shouted at the two of them as Steve got back up.
Steve had a trail of blood coming out of the corner of his mouth, his hair and suit disheveled. His gaze was fixed on Tony’s suit.
“Final warning, Steve,” Tony said lowly, holding up his hand, lighting up the repulsor threateningly.
Steve was stiff, hatred in his expression. He straightened out his suit aggressively, brushing at his slacks.
“I’d do another pregnancy test, Stark,” Steve sneered before wiping at his mouth and turning on his heel. He shoved past Happy and Rhodey, knocking shoulders with them.
~~~
Forever tags: @coconutqueen21 @undecidedsworld
Fic tags: @icant-hangout-imdrumming @oceaniamaddness @multifandom-superlover @imsonick @holl2712 @here4thefanfics @agustdowney @fanofalltheficsx @buttercandy16 @last-saturday-night
#tony stark x reader#steve rogers x reader#dark tony stark#dark steve rogers#dark marvel#dark!tony stark#dark!steve rogers#my shit
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