#i love seokhoon so much i can't even

[sonwar]

hello!! i would like to first preface that i'm a fan of your writing (ao3 user sonwar) from your kpop works (namely the seokhoon (seventeen) titled 'do you know my heart? (i can't be without you)' in 2020. and if i remembered you wrongly, and you have in fact never heard of this fic or the kpop group before please feel free to delete this ask i apologise deeply aaaaa (whoops ahahaaa im sorry if that's the case)

today. as one does, i was thinking of this fic: its definitely one of the bigger fics the seokhoon tag has seen, and also one of those fics which leave a kind of Impact. even as i ponder seokhoon today as a writer myself, i find so many of the symbols and metaphors i use in my writing to have come from that fic. (if you remember) the ideas of jihoon admiring seokmin's singing & calling him the best singer—i took that and i turned it into a kind of how jihoon's music has been made real vs seokmin's which comes more as instinct—and jihoon, who is in awe of this. and of course seokmin thinking about jihoon all the time—that's something that i genuinely hold so close to my heart. it's so sweet and just soooo seokmin. aaaaaa

your writing there has such a tender and sweet quality to it that ive been striving to achieve—emotion comes across in a way that is. muted (i mean this positively). i feel comfortable reading it because it never feels shocking everything just feels so natural. those 33k words are a source of comfort. i love and value growth in characters/the progression of time in fic, and oh man!!!! you really show the emotional growth of seokhoon so incredibly well in that fic. its so good to me. it feels so alive because of the references you made but also because of how you wrote them. to create life!!! it's so incredible because. its all just so rich and perfect and good and i'm so grateful that ive been able to read this and have it affect me on such a level. my comment on that fic does nothing to live up to what i actually thought of it and now even if i cant convey my appreciation on the fic comments itself, i tried to find another way to reach out to you (hence, this lengthy anon ask)

feel free to ignore this/not reply!!! i understand that you've orphaned the seokhoons for a reason but in a way i just really wanted to let you know that your writing has made me feel so much. and for that! i am so grateful!! thank you again and so much for all of it.

hi anon! you have me right, i am responsible for do you know my heart (as well as "when i'm with you i bloom" and "i'm dying to be taken apart" in case you were looking for me...) i had sort of decided i was going to keep my kpop fandom side off tumblr, since i have found it to be sort of unwelcoming towards kpop, for whatever reason? but your message was so touching i'm throwing that out the window and doing whatever i want anyway! (more under the cut <3)

Letting you know off the bat that your message made me! incredibly emotional and teary eyed! Thank you very much for your kind words, you really can't know how much it means to me, and I'm so glad you reached out to me this way as well! I genuinely got so excited when I read your ask, I'm always happy to talk fics and even more happy to talk seokhoon, as I don't have many people to discuss them with! So thank you! The reason why I orphaned my old fics is...probably a lot more simple than what you might be thinking? The truth is, after posting those three seokhoon fics (which I wrote in pretty quick succession to each other), I went about two years without writing anything at all because I didn't have the bandwidth for it, and then I wrote The Mystery of The Pears in some kind of fugue state over the course of a couple months, and when I read that back to myself I felt that my writing had grown so much, I didn't really want that writing to be associated with my writing of a few years ago. But, to be honest, I re-read my Seokhoon fics again a few weeks ago and found that I enjoyed them much more than I thought I would, and much more than I did when I first wrote them, so I wonder if it's less that my writing has grown and maybe more that I've learned to be kinder towards myself...that'll teach me to orphan fics without completely thinking it through first, I guess. (that being said! i'd like you to know i am still planning on writing more seokhoon! seventeen is very near and dear to my heart, like. i really can't put into words the love i have for those boys, which is to say that i'll probably be a carat for as long as they're seventeen, and maybe even a little longer than that. plus, i feel personally tasked with bringing more seokhoon into the world, so, you know. currently, i'm really trying to finish a seokhoon fic i promised a friend MONTHS ago, even before tmotp was finished, and then i have about...3? seokhoon wips i've started and would like to finish? whether they all get done is to be seen, but hopefully!) Anyway...I have to say, I really love the way you took my little headcanon about Jihoon admiring Seokmin's singing and devolped it further! It's something I think a lot about, too, I think it's so interesting that, objectively, Seokmin has a much wider range and capacity as a singer, but that ever since Jihoon was a trainee he's been told he "already knows how to sing" and "doesn't need singing lessons." It makes me wonder how Jihoon approaches singing, if it's something that he considers more physical, like a muscle that he can control, rather than something emotional, which I think might be closer to how Seokmin approaches singing. I mention this because, considering that Jihoon is also the one making guides for the others to follow and the one directing them in the recording booth, I'm a litte curious about how those different approaches meet together in a more practical way, if that makes sense. I do still think it's something Jihoon would admire and think about a lot if only because it would be so different from his own approach. I also have some theories about certain songs in their discography being written specifically for Seokmin's voice (Same Dream Same Mind Same Night immediately comes to mind, I really think out of all their songs, that's the one that showcases the style Seokmin's voice is suited to the most and he really shines on that song...)

I am of the belief that Seokmin would have been watching Jihoon a lot longer than Jihoon would have been watching him...something about admiration that shifts and changes the closer you get to it...And I don't think Seokmin knows how to not take care of people, it's just who he is, but I also think that feeling is heightened a little bit with Jihoon specifically, who takes on a lot of responsibility without ever complaining about it, and who describes himself as someone who deals with things on his own. I think (and I've seen him) he would try to find ways to make things easier for Jihoon without him having to ask for it first, so that's where that comes from. I think muted is one of the sweetest ways anyone has described the way I write emotions. I like the idea of emotions that come easily and gradually, like. Slow drip love rather than sudden and all-consuming (and, that way, when trying to convey something that is bigger and overwhelming, it's easier to contrast those two emotions against each other), so thank you very much for that. I also think it's very funny you mention the way I wrote the progression of Seokhoon in that fic because, while I find your words incredibly kind and I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed it, and I can still sort of see why I wrote that fic the way I did, I do sometimes consider sort of re-writing a different version of that fic because I'm so sure I could do it better now...nowadays, I think the timeline would be a little different? Idk. Something for future me to consider... Anyway! Thank you, again, for such a lovely ask, I really am so very thankful, and I'm so glad you enjoyed my Seokhoon. Please feel free to message me whenever you'd like! (I'm also on twt! I only use tumblr on browser so I only log on when I'm using my laptop, but I'm a lot more active on twt.) Also, if you ever post your fics or already have, please let me know! I'd love to read them, and I'm always looking for more Seokhoon fics, since there's so very little of them to go around, as I'm sure you know...

[cherriegyuu]

Boys Planet | Episodes 5&6

Finally, the second round of performances. I thought that the bad performances would have stopped in round one. However, here we are with more bad performances. I'm mention them from least to most liked by me, so keep that in mind.

Vocal + Rap

#4 Not Spring or Cherry Blossoms - I expected a shit show, and it was okay? I Chan did good here, his voice was really pleasant, but I don't think any of them will survive.

#3 Limousine - it was fine. Their voices were good together, but nothing much tbh. For this team too, I don't think any of them will survive

#2 Man in Love - I liked it a lot. It's weird how Taerae looks like Seokhoon, could have fooled me that he was Taerae's dad hahahaha. Is it weird that, although I'm not voting for him, I want Tae Rae to make it into the group? I think that one Taerae will survive from this group

#1 Tomboy - everyone already sort of expected this performance to be good, and it was. Props to Zhang Hao for placing first, but Gunwook was better over all (but I may be biased as he is my one pick). Everyone will survive and Gunwook will make it to top 9 and he will stay there (saying it to the universe).

Vocal + Dance

#4 Feel Special - I knew that it was going to be bad, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. Woongi carried the whole performance on his own and still didn't manage to get first place because, like I have always said, Koreans vote with their asses. The guy who placed first, I don't care enough to look for his name, was terrible in every sense of the word. He got to perform the song he wanted, feel special was his pick from the moment it was announced, and he didn't even try to pull his weight. The amount of anger I have towards this guy is not even funny. I swear to God that if I see anyone saying "he has to debut" I'll pick a fight because dude can't dance, can't sing and isn't a team player so what the fuck does he want. Woongi maybe has a chance to survive, but indont think any of the others will

#3 Butterfly - the dancing was good, as expected, but the vocal part fell short. Everyone will likely get eliminated

#2 Home - this was a very hard song to cover, seventeen sings very high, and their dances are really hard. I really like Jong Woo, I hope that he can make it all the way to the final, and if he makes de debut group I won't be angry. I think Yunseo (?) Will probably be eliminated but I hope not.

#1 Love Killa - only placing it as number one because they had no issued vocally and their dancing was good. But I would easily place home as number 1. Seowon is in risk on elimination.

Dance + Rap

#4 Rush Hour - it wasn't bad, but it also wasn't good either. I don't know. It felt like they went on stage because they had to, and that was it. They didn't look like they enjoyed it at all. I know that there was some evil editing, but some stuff weren't either, so their lack of teamwork made the whole stage sort of fall apart. Most likely, only Ricky will survive.

#3 Zoom - I thought that whoever got this song would have to work extra hard because it's not the best, you know, but they managed to make a fan stage and they really looked like they were having fun. I love Keita so much, I hope he makes it to the final lineup (it looks like he will, considering the current ranking and how much people seem to like him). Keita and Haruto will for sure survive but the others, probably not.

#2 Gang - ah this fucking meme song but they did so well. Junhyeon is so funny, and he didn't want this song at all but managed to do a great job. Seunghwan, too. He got the song no one wanted and turned it into something great. I love it. Seunghwan may survive, Junhyeon too.

#1 Law - to me, the best performance of this round. I hate how that stupid master has been crushing Yujin from episode three and how the kid looks like he's about to throw up every time he sees him but he's sooo good with his dancing and he can improve I'm his vocals, yes, but he's going through puberty so his voice is yet to change. Yedam was so good, Hanbin was great, Wang Zihao gets no screen time although he is possibly the best dance in the whole fucking show and it pisses me off. I hope he survives. Yujin and Hanbin and the only ones I'm certain of.

I want to briefly mention the ranking from last week and the 12th place announced from today.

Taerae made it into top 9 but Hui dropped out of the top 9 and that worries me. I don't think he will have the same arc as Yujin and he won't make it into the final lineup. I think a lot of people voted for him as a filler vote.

Jiwoong also dropped a little in ranking. However, he is still the top 9. I think he also may have had a lot of filler votes

Jay is no longer in the top 9. He dropped to 12th. Like Hui and Jiwoong, he probably got a lot of filler votes, but now that things are narrowing down, he lost those votes. It happens. If he dropped, there's a chance Gunwook will be in the top 9.

I will never shut up about Gun Wook in this show, okay? I want him to make it, so just deal with it.

[svt-writers-club]

Game 2... 21, 29, 43 and 49 for Soonkwan and Seokhoon :D

how am i just realising i haven’t answered any ask games for my angel secret love lee seokmin i have sinned

(this is a brilliant time to add that seokhoon is also another guilty pleasure ship of mine)

SoonKwan

21. What happens when they get lost on a trip?

Soonyoung convinces Seungkwan to break away from the others while they’re at Echo Park Lake. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

They get lost, is what happens. Seungkwan’s English, while more impressive than Soonyoung’s, isn’t quite up to par with getting them back to the meeting point. Their phones are both dead, but even if they weren’t, neither of them have the wifi modem that lets them call out. They’re stranded in a foreign park, with no way to contact the others and no clue of how to get back to the others.

“Hyung, we’re lost,” Seungkwan huffs. It’s hot, he’s tired and he’s ready for some air-conditioning. He doesn’t want to keep walking in this damn park where he can’t speak the language and where people look at them strangely for holding hands.

Soonyoung squints down at the map of the park, held upside down because he’s shit at geography. “Um… yeah,” he concedes with a sheepish smile. “Sorry, baby. This is my fault.”

Seungkwan can’t really stay mad when his boyfriend is so willing to take the blame. His shoulders relax and he leans into Soonyoung’s side, even though it’s too hot to be touching.

“It’s okay, we’ll find them eventually,” Seungkwan sighs, sneaking a kiss to Soonyoung’s cheek when no one is watching. He grins a little at the colour on the elder’s cheeks; it’s definitely not from the heat.

At the end of the day, they get to ride the paddle boat and take way too many couple selcas. It even feels like a date, although they’re not as affectionate as they are back home. Still, Soonyoung falls a little in love with the way the California sunlight catches in Seungkwan’s blonde hair and that’s worth getting yelled at by Seungcheol for disappearing on them.

29. What does each of them do to cheer the other up?

Seungkwan gets down really easily. He’s a self conscious boy and he’s a little self-destructive, so he’ll look through message boards and comments even though he knows he shouldn’t. Soonyoung usually finds the younger curled up in bed, scrolling through mean comments about his cheeks, or his stomach, or his obnoxious voice or the way he tries too hard.

All he needs to do is pull the phone away and put it on the bedside table, ebfore curling around Seungkwan. Seungkwan – noisy, boisterous, energetic Seungkwan – looks so small like this, when he’s reduced to nothing but himself and his insecurities.

“Hey,” Soonyoung whispers, kissing Seungkwan’s ear gently. “What’ve you been doing?”

“Nothing,” Seungkwan croaks. Even if Soonyoung hadn’t seen his face, he knows the vocalist has been crying to himself. “It’s nothing.”

Soonyoung takes a deep breath, pulling Seungkwan closer. “Okay.” He lets Seungkwan pretend for a little bit. To Soonyoung, it is nothing, but Seungkwan has a fragile heart beneath his thick skin.

So he’ll build Seungkwan’s flailing confidence back up – slowly, but steadily. He whispers in Seungkwan’s ear about how beautiful his laugh is, how the sight of his smile makes Soonyoung’s heart flutter in his chest like he’s seventeen again, how Seungkwan is the only reason the other members don’t fall into despair. He tells Seungkwan of the way he’s the reason Soonyoung wakes up, and how glad it is that at the end of the day, it’s Seungkwan he’s in love with.

The tears that Seungkwan sheds after that is a balm on Soonyoung’s heart. At least this time, he knows they’re happy tears.

Soonyoung is usually a bubbly guy. He doesn’t let himself get upset and tries to power through no matter the difficulty. That just makes the moments he falls even worse.

Seungkwan always finds the performance team leader in the dance studio. The music will be blaring in the background, but Soonyoung will be laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling with blank eyes. Sweat makes his hair stick up funny and he stinks to all hell, but Seungkwan will lay down next to Soonyoung and curl into his side.

“Bad day?” Seungkwan asks quietly, running his fingers through Soonyoung’s hair. Soonyoung grunts, pressing a lacklustre kiss to Seungkwan’s temple.

“I don’t wanna…” Soonyoung trails off, turning his head from Seungkwan. He musters a small smile that cuts to Seungkwan’s very core. “Hey, baby.”

“Don’t,” Seungkwan whispers. “Don’t pretend with me. It’s okay, hyung. You can depend on me this time.”

Soonyoung doesn’t cry, but he does curl into Seungkwan, pressing his face into Seungkwan’s neck. They lay there for eons, until Soonyoung can find his balance again. Afterwards, they’ll go for dinner and Seungkwan will listen patiently while Soonyoung vents. Maybe Seungkwan can’t fix all of Soonyoung’s problems, but he can be there, and that’s a start.

43. When do they first realize they’ve fallen in love?

Gosh, this is a tough question. Soonyoung realises he’s in love with Seungkwan when they’re like a year into dating. Seungkwan’s humming under his breath while he gets ready for bed; at this point, they’ve been sharing a bed for years now. Seungkwan’s things have encroached into Soonyoung’s space – to the point where they can’t really figure out what items belong to who anymore. Soonyoung’s twenty-two, Seungkwan is twenty, and Soonyoung realises that he can’t imagine going through the rest of his life without Seungkwan.

Seungkwan figures out he’s in love with Soonyoung when they get lost in Echo Park Lake. All it had taken was a sheepish smile and a simple apology and Seungkwan realised the only reason he wasn’t breaking up with Soonyoung on the spot was because he loved him too much to get mad about it.

49. How do they make long distance work?

Seungkwan has to go back home for three months. It’s utter agony – not just for SoonKwan, but for the other members, Seungkwan’s family, Soonyoung’s family and the managers.

Soonyoung calls every day (sometimes more than once), Seungkwan cries every other day and Soonyoung can’t stop talking about Seungkwan like he’s dead.

“You know Seungkwan’s not dead right?” Jihoon comments snidely, kicking Soonyoung’s prone form where he’s lying face-down on the practice room floor. That can’t be sanitary.

“He’s not dead, but I am,” Soonyoung moans. “Seungkwannie. Baby. The love of my life. An entire ocean away.”

“He’s literally six hours away,” Jihoon hisses. “What the fuck, Soonyoung.”

Suffice to say, everyone agrees that it’s best they don’t get separated. They’re utterly useless without each other.

SeokHoon

21. What happens when they get lost on a trip?

All Jihoon wanted was some cup ramen from the convenience store. If it was up to him, he wouldn’t step foot out of the hotel room, but Seokmin had insisted the squeeze in a date in Saitama before they leave. It’s a testament to how whipped Jihoon is that he hadn’t protested too much.

Now they’re lost in a foreign country where both of them speak fuck-all of the language. They are going to die here. Damn Seokmin and his endearing sense of adventure.

“We’re not lost!” Seokmin insists, although he keeps whipping his head around. His eyes are wide in his typical ‘I don’t know where the fuck I am’ expression. “Was that 7-eleven there before?”

“Yes,” Jihoon deadpans. “Seokmin. We’re lost.”

“No,” Seokmin whimpers, shoulders slumping in defeat. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

Jihoon toys with the idea of pretending to be madder than he is, but Seokmin already looks like a kicked puppy. He hates seeing his sunshine so sad. He shuffles closer, resting his head on Seokmin’s shoulder.

“It’s okay,” he sighs, lacing their fingers. In the safety of nighttime, Jihoon isn’t scared of showing affection like he usually is. “Come on, we’ll find the hotel one way or another, okay?”

(It turns out all they were doing was circling the neighbourhood their hotel was in. Figures it would take Seokmin to royally fuck up what must be the easiest hotel to find in the whole world.)

29. What does each of them do to cheer the other up?

When Jihoon’s upset, he’ll lock himself in his studio. It’s the only place he feels truly safe to cry or scream. He only lets two people in once he gets like this – Seungcheol (his best friend and someone he considers a brother) and Seokmin (the love of his life and the person he trusts with his heart wholeheartedly).

Seokmin will tap his special knock on the door and Jihoon will let him in without protest or comment. Seokmin comes laden with all of Jihoon’s favourite food and wearing his cuddliest sweatshirt – because Jihoon is getting cuddled and coddled within an inch of his life, whether he likes it or not!

Jihoon allows himself to be babied and little spooned until whatever was weighing him down dissipates. If that doesn’t work, he’ll eventually open his mouth and talk about it. It feels a lot like pulling out a bad tooth – hurts like hell on the extraction, but feels a fuck ton better after. Jihoon always celebrates his improved mood with a kiss and that’s how Seokmin knows Jihoon is okay again.

Seokmin’s pain always runs deeper than Jihoon’s, if only because he hides it better and buries it deeper. Seokmin will smile and fake it until he can’t anymore, and then he’ll withdraw from the rest of the world.

Jihoon has to force his way into Seokmin’s little bubble; it’s impossible to get Seokmin to agree to anything when he’s in a funk, so Jihoon uses his special brand of stubbornness to insert himself into Seokmin’s bad day and try his best to make it better.

Jihoon’s method always varies, because it depends on how bad Seokmin let it get. Sometimes Jihoon will bring Seokmin out for an impromptu ice cream date. Other times, Jihoon brings the date to Seokmin, with his favourite pilfered sweets and a movie on Netflix. On the rare occasion Seokmin is too deep in his head to be cheered by much, Jihoon will spoon Seokmin and lie there with their limbs entangled until Seokmin deigns Jihoon worthy to rant to. Sometimes Seokmin will ask Jihoon to sing for him, voice cracking from emotion, and Jihoon always complies.

If it were anyone else, Jihoon wouldn’t bother. But this is Seokmin, the holder of his heart and the only bright light in his life. He won’t let the sun dim. Not on his watch.

43. When do they first realize they’ve fallen in love?

Jihoon realises it during Don’t Wanna Cry era, when he looks at Seokmin and realises lyrics make sense when it’s the younger vocalist who’s in his head. At some point, Seokmin had become his muse without even noticing it. That’s also about the time Jihoon finally stopped dancing around their not-quite-dates-but-still-totally-dates and decided that he wants to officially put a label to what they are.

(Jihoon had screamed “I really wanna be your boyfriend” in Seokmin’s face. It was neither romantic nor suave, but it’s a good thing Seokmin isn’t looking for either of those qualities in a boyfriend anyway. If anything, it’s a hilarious story to tell their grandkids some day.)

Seokmin realises he loves Jihoon when they’re on a date, after filming Pinwheel. Jihoon’s still in that soft, white sweater. They’re in a pojangmacha, sharing rambokki and a bottle of soju. Jihoon keeps resting his hands over Seokmin’s like he doesn’t realise he’s doing it, and Seokmin’s eyes keep catching on the dimples on Jihoon’s cheeks. Jihoon’s spilt some sauce on the shirt, cursing under his breath as he tries to scrub it away in vain.

49. How do they make long distance work?

They make it work surprisingly well. They’re close and they’re whipped for each other, but they don’t actually live in each other’s back pockets. Jihoon has to make it back home for three weeks because of his hyung’s wedding and Seokmin has to stay behind for BooSeokSoon promotions.

The only real change is that instead of Jihoon replying to Seokmin’s texts after an hour, he replies them instantaneously. Seungcheol is stupid enough to jokingly suggest that Jihoon stay away from Seokmin longer, if it means his messages get sent on time. Seokmin just so happened to be on a video call with Jihoon at the time.

Jihoon swears he doesn’t know how Seungcheol’s lines get cut in half for their title track on the next comeback.

Feel free to ask me more of these ship asks here!

[hyuckssunchip]

Hello angel~

Saw the requests are open and I tried writing mine but it got confusing so I found prompts that'd fit instead.

Can you please write about jaemin's crush waking him up after she had a nightmare (is it okay that I specified gender?) about her ex because her ex found her and wanted to get back? Their relationship was toxic so she's scared of trusting someone else now.

Angst

15. “What gives you the right to just waltz back into my life after all the pain you’ve caused.”

Fluff

16. “Can you just please hold me?”

25. “Your hair is really soft.”

40. “Why are you scared of loving?”

General

48. “I won’t hurt you.”

Also, this is just an idea. If anyone's experiencing anything similar please don't feel bad or be afraid of getting professional help. Or at least, talk about it, don't keep it to yourself :)

[10:49 am]

Pairings: Jaemin x Reader, ft. 00′s line

Words: 2.2K

Warnings: Language (there is almost always language in my writings), fluff, little angst, toxic relationship

Request: Angst 15 ➵ “What gives you the right to just waltz back into my life after all the pain you’ve cause?” // Fluff 16  ➵ “Can you just please hold me?”// Fluff 40 ➵ “Why are you scared of loving?” // General ➵ “I won’t hurt you.” // anon

(i hope this is what you wanted... sorry i couldn’t fit 25 in there, but the scene is there... enjoy!)

Jaemin wasn't one that stayed reserved to himself. He was boisterous, and fun, but not as he stared at you. Not as he watched you chat with his best friend with an anticipating heart.

Jeno sent back a smile to him, eyes forming his infamous eye smile. He choked on his breath as you followed in suit, sending a soft smile of your own.

He didn't know he was holding his breath until you were right in front of him.

"She said she'd love to come." Jeno grinned glancing back at you, then to Jaemin as his face not so discreetly lit up.

You nodded back shyly, eyes wandering over Jaemin's features. "Yeah, it sounds like fun. I've actually never been camping before."

Jaemin felt small under the weight of your gaze, but he plucked the courage to meet your eyes. "Great, we have this perfect little place we always go."

You smiled at him, "I can't wait. Jeno told me all about how beautiful it is." You turned to Jeno nodding happily, "Just text me the rest of the details."

"I will." You left with a wave at the both of them, mind jumbled of expectations and excitement for the weekend.

It had been so long since Jaemin had seen such a genuine smile on your face, it even seemed to reach your eyes.

"She seems happier." Jeno said, eyes following your back as you headed towards your car.

"She does." Jaemin breathed out. "She deserves it."

Jeno wrapped his arm around his shoulders as he pulled Jaemin in the direction of their next class. "She went through so much after the breakup, the least we can do is cheer her up right?"

At the mention of your breakup Jaemin's mind automatically went to your ex, Seokhoon. Everyone knew the relationship was never bound to work. That was, everyone but you. It was a toxic and tiring relationship and despite that, ending it had still taken a toll on you.

Jaemin wanted to beg with you, tell you that he could give you the world if you let him. He could show you what loving someone was really like, and all you had to do was let him in.

No.

But all you had to do was let him in.

He could tell you were still fragile and scared. You weren't the only one afraid of breaking you. Jaemin told himself to let you heal, to let you breathe. And until you were ready, he would wait.

The sun had well set, and you were gathered around the fire pit. The flames were dancing and you laughed to yourself as you watched Renjun with a scowl avoid the trail of smoke that seemed to follow him.

"Jesus if this doesn't stop I'm just going to bed." He muttered, plopping next to you.

You giggled, eyeing his expression. "S'more?" You offered as he gladly took the dessert.

Renjun sighed as he bit into it, holding it up in appreciation. "You know, this is one of the only reasons that make these camping trips worth it."

"Hey!" Haechan yelped, glaring at him from across the way. "Are you saying that spending time with us isn't fun?"

"I can think of one reason that us staying alone in a secluded forest where no one can hear or find us can be fun." He teased his friend with a glare. "Wanna find out?"

Haechan stuck his tongue out as he pulled another marshmallow off his stick.

"Guys let's not kill each other tonight. How would I explain that to your parents?" Jeno shot looks at the two of them, only after his girlfriend smacked him to say something.

His arm was hanging lazily over her shoulder as he whispered something in her ear.

"Well." He stood up suddenly, garnering all eyes on him. "We're getting tired, so we're heading to bed."

He saluted the rest of you and sent a wink at Haechan that didn't go unnoticed by the rest of you.

"Ew. I swear to god if I can't sleep tonight because of you, we're going to be explaining to your parents about a missing persons case." Renjun sighed out with annoyance.

He rested his chine on his hand, glancing at Jaemin who was seated next to Haechan on the far side of the pit.

Jaemin seemed to be really interested in his burnt marshmallow, picking at it slowly.

"I'm probably gonna sleep soon too." He mumbled, head wobbling as his energy left him. "Which is my tent?"

Haechan stood up suddenly, "We only have three. Y/N gets one, obviously, and someone else gets their own. I vote me."

Renjun scoffed. "And I vote me, what about it?"

Haechan shrugged, turning to Jaemin. "Which one of us do you vote?"

Jaemin looked up, locking eyes with you for a second before looking up at the Haechan. "Why would I vote either one of you? I vote me."

The three of them silently turned to face you, but you quickly threw your hands up indicating that you were not about to be a part of it.

"Fine." Haechan looked at the two of them. "If you don't play, you lose! Rock, paper, scissors."

"Damn it!" Renjun cussed as he threw out paper, matching with Haechan.

Jaemin held his scissors up with a smile, dancing a little victory dance that had you laughing.

"Wait, that was a practice round." Haechan said with wide eyes.

"Nope." Jaemin clicked his tongue, nodding in the direction where Renjun had stalked off. "Sleep tight."

You watched as Haechan shoved his hands in his pockets and jogged to catch up with Renjun, who in turn shoved him away.

Jaemin sat next to you on the log in silence for a few minutes, eyes locked on the flames.

"Did you have fun?" He asked softly, eyes flickering to the side of your face.

"Yeah. I did." You nodded, facing him again. "Thank you."

You couldn't tell from the lighting of the fire, but a small blush crept onto his face. "Anytime."

The tent was loud with the sound of wind shaking at its core, but even it couldn't wake you. You were far too deep in your own mind, tossing and turning in your sleep.

"Y/N. Don't you miss this?" You felt the hairs on the back of your neck stand, every fibre of your being telling you to run.

But you were stuck, frozen in place.

He reached towards you, fingers just centimeters from your own.

You tried shaking your head, you tried backing away. Anything to get him to stop. To tell him to stop.

"Y/N, giving you up was a mistake. Letting go of this was a mistake. Why don't we just go back?" He hummed, even the sound of his voice putting you off.

His hand grazed your cheek, pushing back the fallen strands behind your ear. Just the slight touch sent shivers down your spine.

'What gives you the right to waltz back into my life after all the pain you've caused?' The words you so badly wanted to say, needed to say.

But the words didn't come out.

You held your breath as he leaned in, coming closer and you felt the back of your throat close as you panicked.

You squeezed your eyes shut, chest starting to wrack with the lack of air. You tasted the familiar taste of metal in your mouth as you-

You woke, matted with sweat, strands of your hair stuck to your face. You pulled your legs towards your chest, cradling yourself as you tried to calm down, but panic had already arisen.

You crawled out of your tent, wrapping your arms around yourself as you snuck into the one closest to you, shaking it slightly to indicate your entrance.

"Jaemin?" You whispered out, eyes glancing over his blanket clad figure.

"Hmmm?" He hummed, sitting up slightly with a rustle of blankets. "Y/N?" Jaemin rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, squinting at your figure.

"Can I stay here for a bit?" You asked, embarrassed, face turning slightly red hiding under the dark of the night.

"Yeah." His brows furrowed as his eyes adjusted, "Are you okay?"

Jaemin felt his heart drop as he recognized the look in your eyes and your stance. But he nevertheless moved away, leaving a spot for you.

You sank onto the floor, pulling the blanket up to your chest, glancing once at him.

Jaemin ached to close the gap, just the few inches between you, but he watched wearily as you avoided his eyes.

However, it wasn't until he saw why that he threw his caution to the wind.

Even with the soft glow of the lamp he had just lit, he could just barely make out the tears that had welled up under your eyes, and that broke his heart.

"Y/N? Please don't cry. What can I do to help?" He asked, fingers itching to wipe away the tears.

"Can you please just hold me?" You met his eyes, wide with hurt.

He pushed himself flush against you, taking the opportunity to wrap the blanket tighter around you.

His hand immediately went to your hair, patting it comfortingly as he pulled you against his chest. A moment of silence between you passed as he cradled you in his arms.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He mumbled against your head as he noticed your hesitation.

But inside the confines of his tent you felt safer than you had in ages, despite the sounds of winds thrashing against the thin fabric.

"I just... I want to be okay." You whispered just barely loud enough for him to hear you.

Jaemin bit his lip at the sound of your broken voice. "You will be. I promise." He closed his eyes wanting to do more.

You shook your head, "Sometimes I think I am. But then... it's like I still can't get rid of him."

Jaemin felt his chest tighten, clenching his jaw at just the thought.

"It's haunting. And I hate that he's still here even though he's not. He makes me do things that I don't want to." You tried to calm your breathing, but your chest was compressing and a dull ache had found its way under your skin.

"What do you mean?" He asked, rubbing soft circles on your arm.

You faltered, thinking whether it was okay to tell him or not. "He makes me push people away that I don't want to. I get terrified of the thought of ever loving again. Terrified that I'm going to fall in love and I won't be able to stop."

You sucked in a breath, realizing that this was the first time you had ever said those words out loud. The first time you had ever admitted to it.

His touch paused momentarily but picked up with steady rhythm again shortly after. "Why are you scared of loving?"

"I put my heart on the line with Seokhoon. I bared everything for him, when I shouldn't have." You breathed for a moment of silence, feeling Jaemin's presence more than before. But it wasn't uncomfortable, it was almost soothing. Like you knew he was there, genuinely to listen when you were ready. "I'm scared."

"Of what?" He whispered back, eyes falling towards the shadow of the zipper swinging in the wind.

"I don't want to get hurt again." You mumbled, a feeling of relief washing over you as you let it off your chest.

"I won't hurt you." He mumbled, assuring you as he rocked you gently.

You pulled away looking up at him for the first time since you entered the tent. This close it seemed like you could drown in his eyes. They were so sincere and careful as they stared back at you.

His eyes were different, you noticed. It wasn't just the color, a dark brown that seemed to carry more warmth than one could imagine. It wasn't the shape, that seemed to smile back at you innocently even as he was serious. It was the fact that they cared.

His eyes didn't avoid you as you exposed the deepest parts about you. They didn't wander as you tried to hide your tears.

They watched and they comforted.

And for the first time in a long time, you thought to yourself. 'Now these are the eyes of someone worth loving.'

You woke to find soft streams of light filtering into the tent. The weight of Jaemin's arm was hanging over you, holding the blanket tightly in place on you.

"Good morning." He whispered with a smile, eyes raking over your tired face.

"Good morning." You felt your face heat up at the proximity. You sat up, wrapping your arms around yourself at the cold morning.

He moved towards you, wrapping his blanket over you and shrugging on a sweatshirt of his own.

"Damn it. I slept with Haechan and there was a free tent all along?!" Renjun yelled in annoyance just outside causing you to look at Jaemin, giggling softly at his expense.

© Copyright 2021. hyuckssunchip. All rights reserved.