#i love my long flowy hair but i've getting that feeling of just...can't take it anymore ghfjcghfcgkhgcjgv

[shiningstages]

Me lookin' at my lil content: d'aaaaaaaw it's so cute~

I wanted to do stuff before work, but I like blanked out since I'm sleepy (went to bed around 1? 2?? then woke up at 7:11; not terrible but not like Great) then did my required stretchies / looked up stuff for things~ Tomorrow I have my last PT session and follow-up, and then I plan on cleaning my room / generally just chilling out since it has been Forever, but now...I will try and schedule in time for OC thoughts today and tomorrow (still have to decide if Atlas would be primal or astral...and maybe compare some story stuff to make sure it's not stepping on any Canon toes...but maybe we also don't care about that second bit ghffjghfgvcccgkhf).

[justlemmeadoreyou]

the date (part 2 to meet-cute)

read meet-cute here

Summary: after the smooth exchange of numbers with harry, he offers to take you on a date.

Words: 3.8k

Warnings: flirting, teasing, kissing, fluff

*

"I still can't believe you left your number for me," Harry chuckled into the phone, grinning uncontrollably. "That was smooth as silk, darling."

You giggled bashfully on the other end of the line. "Well, I had to take my chance when I saw it! Couldn't very well let you slip through my fingers now, could I Mr. Styles?"

"Just Harry, please love. And I'm certainly glad you didn't - I've been kicking myself for not asking properly."

"Mmm, well luckily for you I'm a modern woman who knows how to shoot her shot."

Harry threw back his head with a deep, rumbling laugh that had butterflies erupting in your stomach despite the phone between you.

"That's my girl! Speaking of shots though...how would you feel about letting me take you out to dinner this weekend? Make it an official date and all?"

You beamed so hard that your cheeks started to ache. "Harry Styles asking me on a date? However will I contain my excitement?" 

"Is that a yes then?" You could practically hear the smirk in his raspy tone.

"Yes, oh impatient one! It's a definite yes. I'd love to go out with you."

"Brilliant! Say, Friday around 7? I'll make us a reservation somewhere nice but lowkey so we can just... talk and get to know each other better." His voice dropped an octave on those last few words, the graveled timbre making you shiver.

"Sounds perfect," you murmured, fiddling with the ends of your hair. "I'll be counting down the minutes!"

"Me too, love. Me too."

When Friday night finally rolled around, you were a desperate tangle of nerves and excitement. You'd spent far too long fretting over what to wear, determined to look your best for Harry but not like you were trying too hard. Eventually you settled on a flowy printed sundress with strappy sandals and loose curls framing your face.

"You've got this, Y/N!" you pep talked your reflexion in the mirror, smoothing down non-existent wrinkles in the soft fabric. "It's just Harry. The super famous, ridiculously talented, impossibly gorgeous Harry Styles who you've had a crush on for years and years and - oh god, what was I thinking?!"

You were seconds away from ripping the dress back off when a car honk sounded from outside. Stomach swooping with panic and anticipation, you did one last makeup check before slinging your purse over your shoulder and hurrying out.

The sleek black Mercedes idling at the curb made your heart kick into high gear. When the driver's side door popped open and Harry unfolded himself out, your mouth very nearly fell open.

Dressed in a slightly rumpled blue button-down and charcoal slacks, the man looked like he'd stepped straight out of a magazine spread. As his shoulder duster jacket fell open, you caught the peek of Gucci loafer adorning each foot. His hair looked artfully mussed with just a touch of his natural curl visible. It took everything in you not to openly gape like an idiot.

"Hi there!" Harry greeted you cheerfully as you approached, those sinful dimples peeking out on either side of his radiant smile. "You look absolutely gorgeous - take my breath away a bit there!"

Your cheeks instantly flushed to match the rosy print of your dress. "Thank you, you don't look half bad yourself," you managed to reply, willing your knees not to dissolve beneath you.

"Ahh, just 'not half bad', is it? Well I'll have to try harder than that to impress you, won't I darling?" he teased, voice dropping to that low register that never failed to make your toes curl. 

With a wink, Harry opened the passenger door for you in a gentlemanly flourish. You couldn't resist shooting back a playful, "I guess you will at that, popstar."

You were rewarded with another one of his deep, husky laughs that vibrated straight through you in the most delicious way. Harry just shook his head in amusement as you settled into the plush leather interior.

"You're trouble already, sweetheart. I dunno if I'm prepared for this..."

When Harry slid in beside you with those mile-long legs you suddenly found it very hard to breathe. There was just something inescapably sexy about seeing a man like him in such a confined space. Like his raw masculine presence took up every available inch of oxygen.

"H-Hopefully not too much trouble," you quipped lightly, trying to recover some of your banter despite your wildly hammering pulse. "I do know how to behave and use my indoor voice."

Harry fixed you with a heart-stutteringly heated look through those unfairly lush lashes of his. "Oh, I certainly hope not, pretty girl."

The two of you held one another's gazes for a beat too long, the air sparking and thickening around you. Until finally Harry cleared his throat and faced forward, fingers visibly flexing on the steering wheel.

"So! Dinner at Luigi's sound alright?"

Mutely nodding, you tried to concentrate on taking some calming breaths as Harry guided the vehicle into traffic. You hoped he couldn't sense the myriad of butterflies currently swarming frantically in your belly. Already your highly anticipated date was shaping up to be just as dizzying and delicious as you'd always dreamed.

By the time Harry pulled up to valet, you'd managed to regain at least some of your composure. Not enough to avoid staring a bit too intensely when he rounded the car and gallantly offered you his arm to escort you inside. But honestly, you were beginning to question how anyone kept their chill around Harry Styles in person.

The interior of the restaurant was dimly lit with an intimate, cozy ambiance. Soft Italian music played from hidden speakers and the scents of garlic, wine and baking bread hung thick in the air. 

As the maître d' guided you towards your private table in the back corner, Harry's hand rested securely at the small of your back. You fought not to shiver at the barely-there brush of his fingertips against your bare skin.

"This okay, love?" he murmured in your ear once you'd been seated at the small, candle-lit table. "Not too public or anything?"

You nodded quickly, struggling to find your voice for a moment. "It's perfect, thank you."

When the waiter came round with your drink orders, shockingly flagrant heart eyes and a request for Harry's autograph, you couldn't help the small giggle that escaped. Harry merely flashed the young man a tight smile and politely declined while squeezing your hand where it rested on the white tablecloth. 

"Sorry 'bout him, darling," he murmured with a slight grimace as the waiter retreated with reddened cheeks. "Not exactly the most romantic welcome, eh?"

"Oh hush, you," you swatted his arm playfully. "Although I will admit it wasn't the most subtle 'hot for Harry' look I've ever witnessed."

Harry choked out a surprised laugh, green eyes dancing merrily in the soft candlelight. "A bit familiar with those kinds of looks then, are you sweetheart? Should I be worried?"

"Well let's see...how jealous do you get when Perfect Polly Instagram won't stop flooding my feed with thirsty tongue emojis every time you so much as breathe?" You quirked one cheeky brow at him over the rim of your water glass.

Harry's grin only broadened, clearly delighted by your unexpected brashnrss. "Well now, darling, sounds like I may need to have a few stern words with Polly myself. Letting the world know in no uncertain terms just whose girl you are."

A fresh blush crept across your cheekbones at his words and the undercurrent of possession laced through them. No matter how much you wanted to play it coy and unaffected, you couldn't deny the arousing trill of satisfaction at Harry considering you his.

Before you could formulate any sort of snarky reply, the waiter arrived to take your orders. Harry gallantly allowed you to go first, regarding you intently in the meanwhile. As soon as the poor man left again, he fixed you with such an endearingly besotted look the breath caught in your throat.

"Have I mentioned lately how stunning you are, Y/N? Because you truly take my breath away."

You rolled your eyes instinctively, though a soft giggle escaped along with it. "Pretty smooth there, rockstar. Though I suspect you've used that line on a few girls in your day

Harry let out an amused chuckle, not even attempting to deny your playful accusation. Instead, he leaned back in his chair, all loose-limbed grace as he regarded you with a tender warmth.

"Can't say it's my best material, I'll admit. But then, something tells me you'd be able to see straight through any less-than-genuine flattery, darling."

You arched one eyebrow teasingly. "Oh? And what gave you that impression, Mr. Styles?"

"Call it a hunch," he murmured, gaze dropping briefly to your lips before flickering back up to hold your stare steadily. "You seem like the type who'd appreciate a man being honest and upfront."

A delighted shiver coursed through you at his words - both the graveled timbre and the implication behind them. Before you could formulate a suitably flirtatious response, the waiter returned bearing your steaming entrees.

"Ah, perfect timing!" Harry exhaled with a crooked grin, deftly switching gears. "I don't know about you, gorgeous, but I'm famished."

As the mouthwatering aroma of seafood linguine wafted up from your plate, you realized just how ravenous you were as well. You'd been so wrapped up in Harry's charming presence that you'd nearly forgotten about sustenance altogether. Shaking your head slightly, you picked up your fork with an answering grin.

"Well then, we'd better tuck in before it gets cold! I want you to have the full authentic experience."

Over the next little while, you and Harry fell into an easy flow of idle conversation and shameless flirtatious banter. He peppered you with random questions about your interests and background, seeming to hang on your every response with rapt fascination.

"How does a gorgeous, talented thing like you end up gracing this city anyway?" he asked at one point, toying idly with the stem of his wineglass. "Surely some bloke back in Cheshire should've snatched you up ages ago."

You couldn't bite back your snort of laughter. "What, you don't think I'm capable of being a self-assured, independent woman?" 

Waving a dismissive hand, you continued before he could protest. "I came down to Venice for uni, fell in love with the energy and creative pulse of the city. Never looked back really!"

Harry's dimples peeked out as his lips curved into an admiring grin. "That's my girl - chasing her dreams on her own terms instead of waiting around for someone else's validation." He topped off your wineglass with a wink. "Though I suspect you have a fair few blokes - and birds, let's be real - kicking themselves for not locking it down sooner, eh?"

You made a show of batting your lashes coyly even as warmth bloomed across your cheeks. "Well I certainly can't complain about the options in London..."

"Hey now!" Harry cut in with a laugh, pointing his fork accusingly. "Don't go getting too big for your britches just yet, missy. I'll have you know I'm quite the hot commodity meself these days."

"Oh I'm sure," you tittered, delighting in the back-and-forth. "Though sadly the panda fever seems to have passed me by. Do go on though, I'm all ears for these sordid tales of Harry Styles: Omega Idol."

Harry made a playfully outraged sound, clutching at his chest. "Omega?! Why I never...if anything, I reckon I'm more of a prime alpha specimen."

"Is that so?" You leaned forward slightly, resting your chin on one palm as you gave him an overtly assessing look up and down. "I don't know, popstar...I'm just not sure you've got the stride for it."

With a wicked glint in his eye, Harry pushed back from the table and stood in one lithe movement. He began slowly unbuttoning the top few buttons of his shirt as you watched with rising heat, finally shrugging the jacket off his shoulders entirely and letting it pool on his vacant chair.

"How's this, darling?" he purred, voice like liquid velvet as he stalked around the table towards you with leonine grace. "Giving you more...alpha...vibes now?"

Your mouth went abruptly dry, eyes riveted to the expanse of golden skin and corded muscle on display now above his slacks. Harry came to a stop directly beside your chair, towering over you with one large hand braced on the table and the other settling on the back of your seat.  

When you managed to tear your gaze up and meet his heated stare, your insides clenched with a molten thrill. Those emerald depths glittered with sin and challenge and something so magnetic it stole the air from your lungs.

"Well?" Harry's smooth baritone rumbled through you, lips curved in the most sinfully sensual of smirks. "Any other concerns about my...prowess, love?"

As if in a daze, you slowly shook your head. Your fingers itched with the fierce urge to reach out and map the hard planes of his chest and abdomen for yourself. To revel in the warmth and solidity of the man caging you in his orbit.

Just as you felt yourself leaning inexorably closer, chasing that gravitational pull, a discreet throat clearing had you jumping nearly out of your skin. You whipped your head around to find your waiter standing by with wide eyes and twin spots of color in his cheeks.

"Ahh, s-Signore Styles!" he stammered slightly, adjusting his tie with unsteady fingers. "Is there, ehm, anything else I can get for you and...and the signora?"

Harry didn't so much as spare the younger man a glance, languid eyes still burning into your flushed face with heated promise. His hand came up to toy with one of the curled tendrils framing your neck, featherlight touch raising goosebumps along your skin.

"No, mate," he rumbled, voice gone low and thick as smoke. "We're quite alright for now. Thanks though."

As the flustered water beat a hasty retreat, still blushing furiously, you let out a breathless giggle. "Poor bloke looked seconds away from a heart attack!"

Harry's teeth flashed in a wolfish grin as his fingers continued tracing idle patterns against your sensitive skin. "Can't say I blame him, love. I'd be scandalized too if I had to look at something as sinfully gorgeous as you for too long."

Oh good lord, how did he always manage to rob you of oxygen with the smallest comments? Knowing you had to regain at least a modicum of composure before this evening descended into a lust-crazed fiasco, you squeezed Harry's bicep gently.

"Right, well I'll kindly ignore your skewed vision for now, mister. But maybe take a step back before you give the other diners something to gawk at besides rugged good looks?"

Chuckling again, Harry obediently slid away, reclaiming his seat in one smooth motion. But not before dipping to brush the faintest whisper of lips across your blushing cheek.  

When he straightened, that cheeky glimmer was back twinkling in his eyes like he knew damn well the effect he had on you. Still, you welcomed the brief chance to take a few calming breaths without his intoxicating presence overwhelming you entirely.

Over the next while, you and Harry continued your flirtatious back-and-forth in between sampling bites of dessert. It was both exhilarating and terrifying, keeping him on his toes while simultaneously swooning over every sinfully appealing aspect of him. 

Mercifully, the arrival of your shared tiramisu dessert provided a temporary reprieve from the thick, smoldering tension crackling between you. Though you had to swallow down a fresh wave of want at the sight of Harry wrapping those obscenely lush lips around his first bite.

With a soft moan of appreciation, he closed his eyes briefly as the flavors melted across his tongue. "Oh darling, you have to try this...it's heavenly."

Hazily, you gave a jerky nod and accepted the offered forkful. The rich, creamy taste burst over your senses in a blend of cocoa, espresso, and perhaps just a hint of Harry's unique musk.

A slow smile curved your lips as you let out a moan of your own accord. "God yes, Harry...it's amazing."

Dinner finally devoured, you settled back with a contented sigh and studied him through your lashes. He was nursing the last sip of his wine, cheeks faintly flushed and hair deliciously rumpled. You'd never seen a more beautiful sight in your life.

"What?" he rumbled out, almost seeming to read your thoughts.

You shook your head minutely but allowed your smile to deepen. "Nothing, I'm just...really enjoying this. All of this. Thank you for tonight, Harry."

His features melted into an expression of such tender warmth your heart physically ached. Wordlessly, Harry reached across the table to thread his fingers with yours. The pad of his thumb traced slow, maddening circles over the pulse point of your wrist. 

"No, my sweet girl. Thank you." 

His voice was scarcely above an intimate murmur, vowels rasping with palpable sincerity that left you breathless. Those searing emerald eyes burned into your very soul as if entreating you to understand everything unspoken behind his simple words.   

"Shall we take a little stroll before calling it an evening?" Harry suggested softly, though his gaze never lost its ardent intensity. "Work off a bit of dinner before dessert, so to speak?"

Those last few words vibrated between you like the richest melted chocolate - sultry promises in every syllable. You gave a small, dazed nod, utterly helpless to resist this man's charms.

"I'd love that."

Outside, the evening summer breeze was balmy and scented with the rich greenery of Hyde Park across the street. Harry looped your arm through his as you began ambling the quiet paths winding through the gardens. 

For a few blissful moments, you simply soaked in the peaceful ambiance of being so intimately entwined with one another. Harry's familiar crisp cologne surrounded you, his strong bicep flexing beneath your fingers. Occasionally, he'd dip close to murmur some silly pun or observation that would have you giggling softly against his shoulder.

Coming around a bend, the two of you emerged beside a small, glassy pond with a quaint wooden bridge arching over. Tiny white lights had been strung across the handrails, casting a warm romantic glow across the entire scene.  

"Oh Harry...it's gorgeous!" You breathed out in wonder, tugging him forward eagerly. "We have to get a better look!"

Harry chuckled indulgently behind you but hurried to keep pace as you practically dragged him along. The sound of your breathless laughter and happy footfalls filled the intimate little enclosure, echoing back from the dark trees surrounding you.   

When you reached the apex of the bridge, you turned to face Harry with eyes shining brilliantly and smile beaming. A few loose tendrils of hair had escaped their soft updo to feather around your flushed cheeks. You looked utterly radiant in the ethereal lighting.

"Thank you for tonight," you sighed out, slipping your fingers through the soft hair at his nape. "It's been...everything I could have dreamed honestly."

Harry gazed at you with undisguised reverence, hands settling at the dip of your waist as he slowly pulled you flush against him.

"The pleasure has been all mine, I can assure you. Every second with you has been magical...you're magical, Y/N."

Then his mouth was slanting hotly over yours in a searing, drugging kiss. You melted into his strong embrace with a soft moan, fingers tightening against his silken locks. Harry's tongue swiped across the seam of your lips in a blatant request for deeper exploration that you instantly granted.  

One broad palm pressed insistently into the curve of your lower back, arching your body even further into his solid heat. The rasp of his stubble abraded your skin deliciously as his mouth moved with skilled insistence against yours. You could taste the lingering notes of the rich Cabernet from dinner alongside his own uniquely masculine essence.

Only when your lungs were screaming for air did Harry finally tear away, foreheads pressed together as you both panted harshly. His eyes were dark as sin, heavy-lidded and smoldering in the low light.

"God, I've been wanting to do that from the first moment I saw you with paint on your nose," he confessed in a low rasp. "Nearly drove me mad, you were so bloody gorgeous."

Shivering at the rough timbre trickling down your spine, you nipped at his jawline playfully. "Is that so, Mr. Styles? I'll have to make sure to wear more paint around you in the future then."

Harry growled out a dark chuckle, flexing his fingers against your waist in a possessive squeeze. "You ought to be careful, sweetheart. This alpha has been on his best behavior...but only for so long."

Your mouth went dry at the heated promise in his words, desire throbbing through you like a physical force. Before you could even think to respond, Harry ducked in to capture you in another mind-melting embrace, this one deeper and more demanding than the last.  

For long, hysterical moments, all conscious thought faded into a swirl of roaming hands and twining tongues. You could hardly tell where he began and you ended, your very essence tangling and melding most divinely.  

"Y/N," Harry gritted out in a low, strained tone, pulling fractionally back. The stark hunger ravaging his expression would have stolen your breath away if his searing kisses hadn't already accomplished that.  

"Yes?" You exhaled his name back like a respectful sigh.

Those mossy green irises you loved so dearly blazed into yours with naked yearning.  

"Let me take you home."

***

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[eyesxxyou]

Hobie Headcanons

↳ ❝ [mix of sfw and nsfw because I've been thinking alot] ¡! ❞

❝ sfw ❞

Hobie is Jamaican British and you can't change my mind. He uses Jamaican slang in the movie and some of punk culture takes from Jamaican culture. When he feels very big emotions, his accent definitely comes out whether he wants it too or not.

Did all his piercings himself. Has a keloid behind one of his ears because of it. It's a miracle most of his piercings haven't been infected or rejected.

His starter locs were terrible. He thinks it's the most embarrassing part of his loc journey. The length was uneven and he had to start over 3 different times. For a while he did have regular locs before letting them do their own thing and become freeform.

Has siblings. Two sisters, one older, one younger, and he loves them to death. Would go to hell and back for them. They're partially the reason why he's so comfortable in himself and his own masculinity. Why he's all "fuck Capitalism, patriarchy, and society in general" because he wants to live in a world where this sisters and every woman can walk down the street feeling safe, get paid equal to men in their jobs, etc

Undiagnosed autistic and I say this as a unofficially diagnosed autistic. His special interests are politics, punk bands, and My Little Pony (blame his sisters).

Gets matching nails with his s/o. Let's you paint his nails and do nail art and all of that. Let's you do his make up too, a full face beating if you want. A little bit of a simp

Definitely has a type. Earthy spiritual black people who wear crystals in their hair, wear layers of necklaces and bracelets, flowy ankle length shirts and tube tops, gold rings and waist beads layered on top of each other (definitely not saying this cuz it's an exact description of me) love a black woman from infinity to infinityyyy

❝ nsfw ❞

Has a dick piercing (and no he didn't do that one on his own). Either a Prince Albert or a magic cross. It was a haphazard decision he just decided on and BOY was it painful but he feels cool as fuck now and it makes you feel all the better.

Has nipple piercings too. Just thought they looked sick. Only downside is that they took a long time to heal and wearing a shirt for the first few weeks was literal hell.

LOVES giving oral regardless of sex. Adores the sounds he can draw from you with just his tongue and his fingers. Has you cumming in minutes. His fingers are perfect for it, long and slender, and his tongue is godly (he also has a tongue piercing).

His moto is save a horse, ride a cowboy. Loves getting rode, watching you bounce on his cock however you'd like with your hands on his chest for support. He'll hold your hips, trace patterns on your skin while praising you. "Ya look so pretty, luv. Keep goin', jus' like tha'."

Loves eye contact during sex at all time. "Keep ya eyes open fa' me, luv. Can you do tha'? Yeah, tha's righ'." He likes the intimacy of it, makes the act more special.

Might be a controversial opinion but I think Hobie's polyamorous. Or at least open to the idea of an open relationship. He doesn't get jealous easily and trusts you wholeheartedly so he's be okay with something like that. If that's not what you want, he's totally okay with that as well. On the up side, threesomes ;)

[dhabitahpunk-art]

Hiii i just wanna tell you I'm absolutely in love with your art! Like as an artist I eventually decided to go into stylisation (which I do prefer for myself) but your art is something like how I dreamed I could be as a pro, it's so freaking beautiful and i love your colour choices and the amazing lighting. I think I always thought of painty art as being a messy thing, and being not being linear (I learned from my art teacher that that choice isn't actually what most people do going into that kinda art and it's usually more precise than i thought, but I digress.) And your art SO encapsulates what I have thought for a long time is the best kind of painting! It's definitely hard to pick, but I really, really love how you do hair and eyes. Your hair is always so flowy.. it feels abstract and messy in like a good way and it feels like hair if that makes sense! And the FREAKING EYES AHHHHSH THEY FEEL SO CONVINCING IDK?? It really feels like I'm looking into somebody's soul when i look at them, they're just so there.. it feels hard to get out into words properly but it just all looks so right, sort of messy and a bit blotchy in the way there isn't really any soft blending (that sounds rude I think haha) BUT

SO,

FREAKING.

PRETTY.

I really don't know the word for it, but it's like you look from afar and blur your eyes and it could pretty much be a photograph but even that doesn't feel right because it's so much better???? And it's actually so cool how you use the stray textured strokes to sorta pull out the colours and make these really awesome dynamic lines! Sorry I think I'm rambling a bit but this just feels so important to say, I honestly think.. it really feels as if you've put so much passion and heart into every piece and it's tangible, It almost feels like poetry to me.

Sorry again for rambling, I've been thinking about sending an ask for a while, so it felt a bit hard to articulate (Or write out) but I really think your art is something special, and I'll be watching for it for a long time. ❤❤❤❤❤

Oh my, anon! Thank you sooooo much for all the kind words!! This really made my day and will probably be the highlight of the week or month for me!! 😭😭

I-- I just don't know what to say? Words can't describe how I feel right now. But I appreaciate knowing there's someone out there who loves my art!! It means the world. 😻

And don't be worried about sounding rude or anything. I do take pride in the messiness of my art. 🤣 So I totally know what you mean. I'm always trying to make my paintings less rendered and less perfect. Hahah.

I hope you have a wonderful day ahead, anon!

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Hey, would you like to get Eddie obsessed with the ghost reader? Imagine that Eddie starts seeing and dreaming about a beautiful woman and starts to become obsessed with her, he can't think of anything else but the beautiful woman, but hey, she doesn't exist, does she? :D could she also look like chel? from ElDorado, I find her very seductive and attractive, submissive Eddie please 😩

Hi! I love me a little supernatural sprinkle in a story.

Eddie Munson x Fem!OC.

Requests will be closing Monday, November 28th at 11:00 PM EST. You can submit yours here!

Currently writing for Eddie Munson. I write for a variety of reader inserts (male, female, gender neutral, POC too).

The more details you had to your request, the better it is for me. EX: “What about some fluff for Eddie after he’s had a long day?”

Feel free to look through my masterlist here!

___________________

Everyone saw the bags taking over Eddie's face. They started as shadows lightly dancing over his under eyes. The start wasn't alarming. Sometimes sleep evaded someone. Sometimes they had a lot going on. But now, as the days passed into weeks and inching closer to a month, Eddie's face continued to grow gaunt.

The thing about this: Eddie already had a reputation as a slacker. So when his head hit the desk in the back, exhaustion for not really sleeping at all the night before no one bats an eye. But Gareth stares, watching the metal head's hair shield away his face, face buried in his folding arms, but nothing really hides the light snores.

Gareth shoots his foot out, knocking against Eddie's white Rebooks and Eddie snaps his head up, back of his hand coming to his mouth to wipe at any drool that might've fallen. Eddie looks around for a moment and notices Gareth stare, but his eyelids are so fucking heavy he's already starting to fall back asleep.

"What the hell is going on?" Gareth hisses at Eddie's slumped figure at the cafeteria table.

Eddie hums in acknowledgement that he's heard Gareth's voice but not in acknowledgement of the full question. When his eyes close he sees her. It feels wrong. He can't place anything that makes her identifiable-no tattoos. Just long jet black hair and warm brown skin. She's always in white. A top that covers her chest and a long white flowy skirt. Her middrift remains visible and she's always smiling at Eddie in his dreams.

But he's never seen anyone like her before. She's not from Hawkins, at least not someone that can place within the last ten years. He's tried the public library to see if any of the newspapers from the last ten years picked up a story about someone like her. Eddie's started to think he might have to look larger than the town.

"I said" Gareth huffs, snapping his fingers in front of Eddie's face, "what the hell is going on?"

His mother, before she passed, used to talk about noticing presences. She never told Eddie what she meant by that. But she did say to Eddie that he'd always been special. Initially he thought it just meant his style, his taste in music, his interests. But now, he thinks it means more--that he too could notice presences. He doesn't feel her when he's at school. It's just in dreams. Perhaps, this too means Eddie is special. That he can somehow be haunted by the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on, and he hasn't laid physical eyes on her.

"It's-it's nothing," he huffs out, hands holding up his own head. "It's stupid, really."

"You were snoring in World Geography," Gareth continues on. "You've basically skipped all of last week. You look like you haven't eaten in days. Who are you fucking?"

Eddie snorts. "Wish I was," he returns, lolling his head to the side to look at Gareth. The pinch of his brows tells Eddie that he's not keeping up and Eddie sighs. "I-it's dreams. There's this girl, woman really. She's H-O-T hot and I've seen her every night that I sleep for like the last month. Freaked me out at first so I tried to stay up to avoid it. Now I'm just like obsessed with trying to figure out who she is."

"So some hot woman is visiting you in your dreams and you don't know who she is?" Gareth questions.

"Bingo," Eddie huffs, eyes drooping shut for a quick second before he peels them back open.

"Seriously--who are you fucking? Is it a cheerleader? Is that why you're lying?" His gaze narrows as Gareth assesses Eddie's face.

Of course no one would really believe Eddie. There was nothing he could produce to prove himself correct. So he lets it go because at the end of the day, at least Eddie knows he's right. He's stared up at her face, even tried to talk to her for weeks now. She didn't give much--a laugh sometimes, a coo when she sees his tired face, but she doesn't budge when Eddie asks who she is, or what happened to her.

It's like it's a game. It's like it's a sick twisted game and Eddie is going to lose, but goddamn does he love to play it.

Eddie heads straight home, where he would normally ponder the library or try and hang back, he gets into his van and takes himself back home. He manages to keep alert enough to drive but doesn't even make it to his room to sleep, just slumps down face first into the couch.

And when the nothingness of sleep fades into the unconscious firing of neurons, Eddie sees her take shape again. White top, white skirt, mid-drift exposed, wide hips sitting like apples and Eddie wishes for a moment he could touch her.

"You look tired," she says.

"I am," Eddie returns. "I don't know who you are."

"You're getting closer," she gives in as if it will be solace.

"Why did you pick me?"

"Your mother sent me."

All the air leaves Eddie's lungs. Why would his mother be sending ghosts to him? Why the hell did she know that he didn't? "My mother," Eddie questions again, like he needs to hear it one more time in order for it to be real.

"Your mother," she nods. "She told me that you might not have believed her. And to tell you she's sorry she couldn't explain it better. Consider me your first assignment."

"Please tell me they'll all be as hot as you." There's no shame in the flirting here. She's already dead. Eddie has no real chance and thus the rejection isn't real either. It doesn't hurt the same because there was no chance for hope.

She laughs, pushing her hair over her shoulder. "I wasn't aware how attractive a lost soul was made a difference."

"It-it doesn't. Sorry, that was rude."

"But it was pretty funny. Just...just don't give up on me. I could really use the help."

Eddie nods. "Yeah, yeah of course. I'll help. Just need sleep," he exhales.

"Then rest."

It's such a simple sentence but Eddie does just that, he lets his mind settle again. She's not going anywhere. She had nowhere else to go save for once Eddie figured out who she was. The nothingness comes back. He revels in that feeling in the darkness swallowing him whole.

By the time he wakes, Eddie spots Wayne sleeping on the cot. The sky is bright. He wipes the sleep from his eyes and pushes up. Now he notices the blanket that's been thrown over him as it falls back into the couch. Definitely Wayne's doing.

I could really use the help.

The sadness in her voice echoes in Eddie's mind as he pushes up and heads to the shower. It's much too bright for it to be early morning and Eddie doesn't even feel like trying to make some excuse to get into school late. He showers, changes clothes, and then heads back out to the library. If he was getting closer than it just meant he'd have to keep expanding on his search perimeters. He could do that. It might even be worth looking into the bigger cities to get some clarity.

It takes a few hours. Eddie sips at the cup steaming in his hand of coffee that is way too bitter. But then her picture stares back at him--in the obit section from Indianapolis. From ten years ago.

Cheyanne Brown. 23. Survived by her 4 year old son. Eddie takes in the child's name and writes it down on the spare piece of paper he snagged from the librarian. A car accident, on a wet road in a curve. The baby unscatched by Cheyanne dying in route to the hospital. From the pieces Eddie manages to find after finally having a name--she'd just moved into the city and was trying to reconnect with an aunt.

Eddie tries to put more together, looking more for the aunt and runs down everyone in the phonebook until a sweet voice answer. He swears he's heard a timbre like it before. "This is Ava Brown speaking."

In the background he catches the faints sound of a drum--a real one not one on a tape.

"Hi Ava. This is Eddie. I know what I'm about to ask is going to be strange but did you have a nice named Cheyanne?"

Her affirmation is hesitant, but still confirms what Eddie knows. "Who--how do you know that?"

"She, she uh showed up in my dreams a few weeks ago."

"Her boy's birthday was last month."

"Around the 12th of December?"

"The tenth, actually."

Eddie's chest feels like it's been punched in. It was starting to add up. His gut, though it feels a litttle queasy at the way it's all falling together, tells him to keep pressing that. "How is he?”

"Good, he's good."

“Sounds like he’s the one playing the drums?”

There’s a brief moment of silence and the music in the background ceases. “He plays. Has a band—they’re set to the play in the Christmas parade this weekend. We think he’s going to study music possibly. Either that or he makes a career of plucking my last nerve.”

“Sounds awesome.”

“He’s a good kid really. Smart as a whip. College might be a real possibility. Nursing or something. He says he wants to help people.”

Eddie exhales. “Sounds like you and Cheyanne have being right by him. I-I don’t want to take too much of your time. I just wanted to call because Cheyanne asked me.”

“You should come. To the parade. If Cheyanne is asking.”

His gut lurches. A ringing starts up in his ear and he takes that as a yes. “I’d love too.” He takes Dow. The address and promises to show up early.

After he hangs up the phone, he feels something over his shoulder. “You happy now Cheyanne?”

Yes. He hears it clearly even though there’s no one in the house with him.

[heimeldat]

You know what, I'm just going to answer all of these because I feel like it so there.

who is/are your comfort character(s)? Well obviously the Doctor.

lighter or matches? Matches

do you leave the window open at night? When I can, but it's so humid around here that's only a few days in spring and fall.

which cryptyd being do you believe in? eh nah, none of them

what color are your eyes? hazel

why did you do that? WRITING RESEARCH!

hair-ties or scrunchies? Neither, I keep my hair short

how many water bottles are in your room right now? Two

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee? Hot

would you slaughter the rich? Not unless I was actively defending myself/my loved ones. I'm too lawful-good for that.

favorite extracurricular activity? You mean when I was in school? Ballroom dance club!

what kind of day is it? Sleepy

when was the last time you ate? Like two hours ago

do you love the smell of earth after it rains? YESSSSS!

are you a parent? (all answers qualify) Well I have a stupid little dog and I sometimes call her my baby

can you drive? Yes. Wish I didn't have to, though.

are you farsighted or nearsighted? Nearsighted

what hair products do you use? A hairbrush.

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails? Sure, want some fun designs? I'll paint little flowers or something! Or dragons! Or skulls! Or whatever.

do you say soda or pop? Soda

something you’ve kept since childhood? A very battered plush polar bear.

what type of person are you? Uh...that's really vague.

how do you feel about chilly weather? I get to wear tall boots and an outrageously long scarf and a big flowy coat and a dramatic hat!!!!!

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing? Chatting, drinking tea, looking at the stars.

perfume/body spray or lotion? Unscented lotion.

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times? Lol it's hard to think of one I HAVEN'T replayed multiple times. Anxiety and ADHD make for lots of mental scenario-playing.

about how many hours of sleep did you get? Eight or nine.

do you wear a mask? Yeah, when I'm in a big group or a crowded area. I've gotten lax about doing it when I'm in a smaller group.

how do you like your shower water? Hot and steamy! With a few drops of peppermint essential oil in a bowl to make peppermint steam!

are there dishes in your room? A few. Thanks for the reminder, I should take them to the kitchen.

what type of music keeps you grounded? classical instrumental stuff, especially cello.

do you have a favorite towel? Nope

the last adventure you’ve been on? Isn't everything an adventure?

is there a song you know every word to by heart? Lots of songs. Is that not normal? I guess congregational hymn-singing promotes memorization of lyrics.

what’s your timezone? Central USA

how many times have you changed your url? Don't think I have

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years? Best friend/roommate, might as well be a sibling at this point.

a soap bar that smells good? This handmade mint-scented goat's milk soap a friend gave me

do you use lip balm? Occasionally

did you have any snacks today? Nope

how do you take your coffee? two thirds cold brew, one third milk, sugar optional

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site? Audible, Big Finish, Discord

what’s your take on spicy foods? No thank you

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it? Someone who's widely known to have committed tons of atrocities but can't be touched by the law for whatever reason.

can you remember what happened yesterday? Of course. Not all the details, but in general, yeah.

favorite holiday film? I don't really watch holiday films...

what was the last message you sent? "She doesn't have an online shop, but she has pictures and she'll ship things"

when did you first try an alcohol beverage? On my 21st birthday. Wait hang on, does communion count? It's just one sip of wine, and it's always nasty cheap red, so I never counted that.

can you skip rocks? Sort of, not very well

can i tag you in random stuff? Sure!

here’s weirder asks

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

lighter or matches?

do you leave the window open at night?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

what color are your eyes?

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

would you slaughter the rich?

favorite extracurricular activity?

what kind of day is it?

when was the last time you ate?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

can you drive?

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

what hair products do you use?

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

do you say soda or pop?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

what type of person are you?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

perfume/body spray or lotion?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

do you wear a mask?

how do you like your shower water?

is there dishes in your room?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

do you have a favorite towel?

the last adventure you’ve been on?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

what’s your timezone?

how many times have you changed your url?

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

a soap bar that smells good?

do you use lip balm?

did you have any snacks today?

how do you take your coffee?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

what’s your take on spicy foods?

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

can you remember what happened yesterday?

favorite holiday film?

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

can you skip rocks?

can i tag you in random stuff?

[badtasteaquarium]

[A] triple threat

me going insane under the cut

SO PLEASED with how these guys came out

i feel like i've talked a lot about super sonic and his chaos energy induced HRT, but i think it's great and a little funny so i'll do it as much as i want. all of these transformations have a magical girl aspect to them, but like the katsuragi from senran kagura style. the sleeves RIP off sonic's track jacket, and yeah he'll be shirtless too. it vaporizes. i like the extra yellow going on, and he just glitters gold. shooting star! at least one of the sonics was going to have crazy long hair for their super form, and it's this guy. he has little rings on the drawstrings of his shorts too. he's as cocky as ever and fucking loves to tear it up. undefeatable!!!!!!!!

super shadow takes it down only a couple notches. he only rolls up his sleeves, but also ALL of the GUN logos and insignias are GONE from his (already modified) uniform jacket. his dog tags turn into the shadow/black arms symbol. i wasn't going to make him (or silver) shirtless underneath but it's really SUCH a look, and it's MY city so why not. the chaos drives on/in his stomach are shown mostly for effect--that is where they are in his body. originally they were the standard ones, and were colored as follows: 3 green, 2 red, 2 yellow, 1 purple. they got recalibrated when he collected the real chaos emeralds. he's shown here with that green chaos spear style energy coming off him. as much i used to love the silver super shadow to contrast to gold super sonic, i've gone with a more "canon" look with the light yellow. otherwise no drastic hair change. his eyes look a little different to imply an actual glow effect. i can't wait to get the opportunity to write the internal syntax that happens when he goes super. aUAGOUGH!! shadow is more serious but is equally powerful.

our friend super silver goes for the more dramatic outfit change, with his jacket changing completely into a flowy cape/poncho sort of thing. his hair also morphs to match his hedgehog self, because, again, you can do anything with chaos energy, including look cool as fuck and have your hair be impossible. he has a cyan aura around him at all times, ditches the gloves and unzips the bottom of his y2k cargo shorts. i haven't actually imagined a situation for him to BE super in yet, but he deserves it. maybe blaze and him do it together. (i've also decided to ditch the marking on his head...maybe i'll make a note on his other sheet)

i'm like vibrating looking at these guys. ougugUDSHmsdgenghe

[mysticdragon3md3]

After placing my orders for Black Friday before midnight last night, suddenly, Good Smile springs this whole new Cyber Monday sale onto me. The problem being that it is a very small selection. Which wouldn't be a problem if it contained nothing I was interested in.

But there is "Way of the Ace" Bokuto Nendoroid! He's in the sale! But he's only 20% off; the discount would be negated by the expected $10-$15 shipping fees. Though I can rationalize shipping as a service in and of itself that is valuable enough to pay for, part of my brain is still screaming that this isn't actually saving money. It's the same price I would have paid at Anime Expo 2023, when I got "Way of the Ace" Hinata Nendoroid from Good Smile's AX2023 booth. (I've been somewhat regretting skipping Ace Bokuto ever since AX2023. That regret is starting to out-weigh my original need to save money, that made me skip him in the first place during AX2023.) But in that context, that makes it the same. Whether I had gotten Ace Bokuto during AX2023 for $42, or during this Cyber Monday sale for $33.59 + $12? shipping, it would have been pretty much the same. ---And actually, looking back at my Black Friday order confirmation from last night, shipping was less than $10 (probably because I live in LA and GSC US are in LA). So shipping was not actually as bad as I was thinking.

Still, I can't help feeling that I should get the most out of these shipping fees. If it got more than one figure---even just 2 figures total from this Cyber Monday sale, then that $9.95 shipping would be adding less than $5 to each figure. That's still a pretty good deal. Especially considering that the other figure I'm looking at buying is Snow Miku Serene Winter version. Her discount is a full 40%, which completely eclipses a $10 shipping fee. Even with a $12 shipping fee, this sale would still save me money on this $66 Miku.

But the thing is that I don't NEED this Miku Nendoroid. She's not a character I'm attached to, like Bokuto. She's just pretty. And I already have plenty of Nendoroids like that. Nendoroids of character I don't know, who are just pretty. But I can't afford to keep splurging on figures like that anymore. I have to buy only figures of characters that inspire me when I look at them, that encourage or soothe me, bring me to my mental happy place, just by looking at them. THAT is worth more dwindling funds now. But I can't buy something just for being pretty, alone, anymore. (Otherwise I would have gotten Nendoroid Unicorn, because OMG SHE WAS CUTE!!!!!! I love lavender hair and all-white clothes. See my Remo, Tsurumaru Kuninaga, and butai version Mikazuki Munechika Nendoroids.) A figure of a character I don't know and have no emotional attachment to, has to have a lot of my personally favorite character design tropes, for me to still buy it anyway. Wings, pastels, translucent resin, gradient colors, floral patterns, long flowy fabrics... And wouldn't you know, Serene Winter Snow Miku has translucent hair and gradient colors. I also often take photos of the sky changing multiple colors during dusk, so Serene Winder Miku having the same motif (but in pink and blue, versus the oranges, magentas, and purples/blues that I'm used to in LA) does make me sort of attached and biased towards her design.

Ugh...Should I do this Cyber Monday sale? I just spent SO MUCH MONEY on Good Smile's Black Friday sale yesterday AND on Nendoroid Doll preorders. Even if this Cyber Monday sale saves me some money on 2 figures that I was only faintly, kind of, sort of, regretting skipping...Not buying anything, still saves more money than buying something at a sale discount. Hm......... ~_~??????

I haven't regretting skipping Ace Bokuto THAT MUCH, since AX2023. Whenever I'm reminded of him, I do feel a LITTLE bad. But it wasn't like when I skipped Nendoroid Donatello, and kept thinking about it, repeatedly, until I just couldn't stop thinking about regretting it. I haven't been obsessed with Haikyuu in a LONG time. I still love Hinata, enough to get my first Swacchao. Just so I could have him on my desk (without worrying about damaging my only version of him in his original uniform), and he does encourage me every time I simply look at his little Swacchao's big smile. But I don't know if I like Bokuto enough to even resemble that level. Which is a level that completely justifies me buying every Hinata Nendoroid released so far. But I could skip Ace Bokuto and not feel TOO bad about it. I do like Bokuto's archetype a lot. But I don't know if my attachment is enough to justify buying a second Nendoroids of him. (Oh yeah, I already have his original Nendoroid.)

So I don't know if I'd feel guilty for skipping this sale, or if I wouldn't feel too wasteful in taking advantage of this sale. x_x??????????????????????????????????????? I just don't know.

Well, it's only a one day sale. So if I end up too indecisive by midnight, then time will decide things for me.

In the end, I'm supposed to be saving money, and I'm running low on money. I really shouldn't.

[x3kristax3]

Was It Worth It?- Life Afterwards

A/N: this is life after I ended "Was If Worth It?" That was my first fan fic ever posted on here.

Chapter 1

As I wake up in the queen size bed all alone it feels weird. It's been almost a year and a half since Jake and I got engaged. These months leading up to this day has been a whirlwind of emotions. 

I reached out to my parents and we talked on the phone for a while before they came to visit. Instantly they loved Jake and how we are together. Jake got my dad's blessing to marry me once he was a freeman. I was surprised he told them.

Then comes the trials of him becoming free. We were unsure if we were going to withstand that as Jake became very distance and closed off. He about broke my heart while I was planning our wedding. However, the night he became free he took me on the two hour drive to Colville and took me to a five star restaurant and booked us a suite in a super fancy hotel, letting us enjoy ourselves without any distractions. That night our love was on fire, that was six months ago today.

I'm laying in bed and I see my wedding dress hanging on the closet door and I smile. I sit up and my door swings open. Of course it's Jessy, Ashley, and Hannah as they spent the night. They plop on the bed next to me with some fruit and water. 

"Ugh, you know I need my coffee" I say, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah not happening today" says Ashely.

I grab my phone as I hear a text and it's from Jake.

Jake: Good morning my love. I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together as husband and wife. I love you more and more everyday Krista.

Krista: Good morning. I can't wait for that as well and see you at the wedding and see that look on your face of pure love I see every morning. I hope you got some sleep as today is going to be a long day. Also no coffee for you as I'm not allowed it either 🥴

Jake: Neither of us will today. I'm not going to let your hand go once I can touch you.

A shiver runs down my spine as the next time we kiss we will be husband and wife. Jessy takes my phone from me.

"Okay enough of that, time to get ready" she says putting my phone in her robe pocket.

I lean against her "I got so lucky today" I say trying not to cry.

I hear my mom coming up the stairs " you girls coming? The lady is waiting for you all for hair and makeup." She says.

They leave and head downstairs. I look at my dress and the engagement ring and I couldn't be more happy. We enjoy the morning with girl time as we get ready.

We have the wedding at the park and as the car pulls up my nervousness hits me. My mom, dad, and Ashley stay back as the rest head out.

"Its okay sweetie, you know he adores you." Says my dad.

"I know, just after everything I've gone through I can't believe today is really here and happening." I say playing with my ring again.

Ashley grabs my hand "so these are good nerves. Don't leave that handsome man, who adores you, waiting for you" she says as she gets out as she's the maid of honor.

My mom gets out next and reaches her hand out. I decided I wanted them both to walk me to Jake. I get put and straighten out my dress. It's a simple flowy dress with an illusion back and sweetheart neckline.  It's fitted to my hips where the lace and floral detail start in a whimsical look. My hair is pinned back so to be out of my face minus some layers in the front as Jake loves to push them away. 

I take a deep breath as I hear the music for me start to play. He turns and looks at me and I see the tears in his eyes. Dan hands him something to wipe them away. He takes my breath away. He's wearing black dress pants, a white button down and a blue tie that brings out his eyes. I want nothing more then to run into his arms but my parents set the pace.

As we get to him, my mom sits down and my dad hands me to him. I stand there and can't help but smile at him while he's smiling at me. We go through all our vows, we had written them but we had to hand them off to be read by Ashley and Dan as we couldn't do it. He sees me crying during his and wipes the tears away not wanting to ruin my makeup.

We say our I dos and put the rings on each other. He lifts my veil and kisses me deeply and passionately. I melt into his body and as he pulls away he leans his head against mine. "Hello my beautiful wife" he says.

I shiver "hello, my handsome husband. Also you need to wear that tie more now I can't stop looking into your eyes" I say with a smile.

We walk back and head to the car.

We have the reception at the black swan and it's nothing short of amazing and fun. Lots of stolen kisses and our fingers interlocked as he promised.

[ashiemochi]

Hey Ashie!! I just finished "Aprotitty" and i LOVED it! my favorite chapters were the Matthew's party and the one where Leon takes So Ah for a ride <3 I'm really excited to see what you will bring us next.

I confess that the ending got me kinda shoked- who knew So Ah would become an agent?! nice plot twist lol!

Now, I've got an ask. what kinda of agent you think So ah would be? Like, it would be really nice to see her joking around with Chris and the team, or seeing her undercover for a mission- but imagine if she were undercover on, idk, a bar or a public place and coincidentally leon were also undercover THERE-

pleaSE, IM SO HAPPY YOU ENJOYED APHROTITTY <3!!! Matthew was a fun character to write, ngl skdjahjkd I can't wait to bring him in the sequel again <3 A longer one bc your ask made me smile like an idiot.

So Ah would start as a BSAA rookie of course! Her missions' captain would always be Chris for safety measures. She'd always doodle roughly on her notebook and pencil for her teammates during little free time here and there, becoming flustered as they'd take the paper with amusement in their eyes.

"Holy shit, Han! You captured my hair so well!"

"Your hair? Look how she did my eyes! It's like I'm looking in a mirror!"

"Look how she did my smile! She got my tooth gap too!"

When the mission is successful and they headed to the local bar to celebrate before they catch the flight back, So Ah would be crowded by her teammates, some even attempting to draw and ask for her advice. She'd be giggling and shying away, trying to find a little space to excuse herself to update her lover back home on her mission.

"So... Agent Han, got someone waiting for you back home?"

"Actually, yeah. Speaking of which, I have to excuse myself for a moment."

So Ah sighed heavily the moment she stepped out of the bar, feeling her hands shaking anxiously before getting her phone to call Leon then her eyes landed on Chris leaning against the wall with a cigarette in between his fingers.

His eyes were distant, deep in thoughts and she tilted her head to the side. Slowly, she walked up to him with a soft smile, "Hey, Captain."

Chris blinked, looking at her before chuckling, "Hey, So Ah. Team's giving you a hard time?"

She shook her head, giggling nervously, "No, no... Just too energetic maybe."

Chris huffed light-heartedly, "I'll make sure to tell them to tone it down."

She shifted slightly on her feet and Chris raised an eyebrow at her shy self acting up again before seeing her pull a folded piece of paper from her many pockets and offered it to him.

"Here..." She mumbled, "It felt unfair to me that everyone got something but you so..."

"What's this?" Chris asked as he put out his smoke and unfolded the paper, eyes widened just a tad at the doodle she did of him. It was him talking to one of his teammates about the mission; a moment frozen in time.

"Holy shit..." Chris barely trailed away, looking up at her and she only smiled then her phone began ringing and he knew it was Leon when her smile went softer and her cheeks redder.

"I have to take this... Thank you for your service, Chris."

-

On her FIRST undercover mission, So Ah had to attend a luxurious black market event where an auction will be held by the suspect. She'd be in a long flowy dress with her make-up done so differently from her usual ones.

"Okay, So Ah, just like we practised."

"Chris, that's a lot of people. I feel like I'm going to throw up."

"That's not part of the training - you can do this."

"What am I supposed to do again?"

"Just mingle - you've been to so many events like this before."

"Not where it's a life and death situation."

"You'll do fine."

So Ah would hold a smile to any person who speaks to her; her new name for this mission being Colette Francis, a high-status lady who knows her way around wine.

Honestly, all she knew about wine was chugging that bottle like an alcoholic - anything to avoid triggering another anxiety attack.

She reached the bar to catch a breather, ordering a wine of whatever the bartender's got. Nervously, she bit down on her lip to calm down her fast beating heart as she recalled her mission.

Mingle to avoid suspicion, gather information by talking to other people, wait till the auction starts so she can be sure the suspect would be hosting it with one of the items being a sample of the virus.

All of which poke at her anxious self. She much preferred handling a gun than this because at least she wouldn't have to do so much talking.

Taking a sip from her drink, she nearly choked when a single cold finger tapped her shoulder twice and she turned around with surprised eyes to see a familiar man - same man she last saw three days ago.

"Miss Francis, I didn't know you were coming to this event."

"Leon?" She whispered and the man, Leon, chuckled.

"Think you got me confused with someone else." Leon winked at her, before offering his hand with a smile, "Name's Angelo."

So Ah bit back a giggle, settling her hand on his, blushing as Leon brought it up to his lips with his eyes still trained on her.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were away on an assignment in France." So Ah asked, her own thumb gently caressing his skin, finally feeling a lot better now that there was a familiar face around here.

Leon brought his drink to his lips, "It's connected to the same guy - the tests showed that the same virus used in France came from here so," He gave her a slight shrug at the end.

"Think it's related to Marcus?" So Ah theorized, leaning closer to keep her voice on the low and Leon hummed, subtly bumping her nose with his as a faint eskimo kiss.

"Maybe... I missed you." Leon whispered, grinning at her blush intensifying as she lightly pushed him away, glancing around them to make sure no one was paying attention to them.

"Behave yourself, Leon. We're undercover." So Ah scolded with twitching lips and Leon chuckled.

"Alright, Colette. When this mission's done, think you can stay in those heels?"

So Ah blinked, glancing down at her black heels with bold red coloured flats then back at him, confused, "Why?"

Leon's tone dropped an octave, his smile tilting up on one side more than the other, sultry, "I found an empty bedroom upstairs and I was thinking we could do a bit of overtime; you and me."

Her cheeks blazed up, eyes widening at the lustful glint in his azures and before she could stammer out a reply, a heavy Italian accent took her attention.

"Colette Francis! I'm so glad you came!" Marcus exclaimed, oozing in some expensive cologne as he took her hand with a smile.

So Ah snapped back to her 'spy mode', flashing him the same smile but with Leon's - Angelo - words flying around her head, she was nervous but for a different reason now.

"Marcus, I wouldn't miss it for the world." She commented as Marcus planted a simple peck on her knuckles.

"I see you've met Angelo," Marcus said joyfully, patting Leon's shoulder once who only forced a smile that looked so real that even So Ah thought he was Angelo - whoever the fuck that was.

"You know, I was just telling him about you! Your taste in wine is divine!" Marcus kissed his fingers enthusiastically and Leon gave her a quick 'what the fuck' look before Marcus gently shoved him as an encouragement, "Tell her!"

"Yeah," Leon agreed and So Ah stifled a giggle, watching him in the act as she nodded ever so slowly, "My favourite has got to be the cotton candy one."

Her cheeks heated up again at the subtle wink, knowing damn well what he was referencing to and Marcus gasped, light in his eyes at his excitement of meeting the Colette Francis the wine maker; though it wasn't really her.

"Dear Gods, yes! I need to know how you made a wine out of cotton candy!" Marcus gushed as Leon took a slow sip, keeping his playful eyes set on the girl with a cheeky smile.

"Oh, you know," So Ah quickly recovered, brushing her hair over her shoulder as she smiled coyly, "A lady never reveals her secrets."

Marcus laughed before clapping twice, "Ah, that's the Miss Francis I know! Please, I hope you enjoy the wine selection I've chosen! I've got to leave to prepare for the main event."

So Ah giggled, nodding along with the kinder smile, "I'll get there when I can, Marcus."

"Say," Leon interrupted and she thought she saw a little hint of red jealousy in those blues, "When does the auction start?"

Marcus looked at his golden plated watch, humming before answering, "In about 20 minutes."

After Marcus said his overly-happy 'excuse me's, he left to set up the auction and So Ah stood next to Leon, smacking his arm and Leon looked down at her with furrowed brows.

"What was that for?"

"We are undercover, Leon." She scolded, "One slip-up and it's over for both of us."

Leon rolled his eyes, "Jesus, you're beginning to sound like Chris."

"Leon!"

"Okay, okay," Leon set his hand on the small of her back with a tilted smile, "I'll behave."

"Thank you."

A moment of silence came over them, just enjoying the little time they had for themselves before they'd have to be separated once again.

"You know..." Leon started lowly, leaning down to barely brush his lips against her ear as his whispers brought immediate goosebumps up her skin and made her tiny hairs stand up at his words.

"Twenty minutes is more than enough for our overtime."

[parchmentedpetrichor]

➳the girl in the lilac dress ♠ ♡

in which y/n meets fred's ex-girlfriend, days after fred confessed his love for her. there's still some confusion on the status of their relationship. angst -> fluff. narrated by you, y/n l/n.

fred weasley x fem!reader

word count: ±5.4k

tw: angst (not too bad though), mean words, blood, mentions of auror missions, kidnapping, needles, st mungo's

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ft. hermione, lee and alicia

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you

I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you

the girl in the lilac dress

i was in a good mood. on the way to work to receive my mission, i was humming a song that had just come out. it was catchy and worth the wait.

out of the corner of my eye, a lilac colour appeared suddenly. strange, i thought. it approached me, in the form of a beautiful woman. she had the lightest grey eyes and the smoothest milky-white skin, and the shiniest locks of dark brown hair. she walked in a flowy lilac gown, her slim model-like body walking in a model-like fashion.

i was pretty sure she wasn't headed towards me, but when her luxurious voice said "good morning" in the calmest tone possible to me, i looked at her confusedly.

"hi!" i replied brightly, smiling.

she smiled sinisterly, "my name is pretoria aphrodite, i'm fred's ex-girlfriend."

he hadn't ever mentioned an ex, but i knew he had dated quite a few people. she made me seem like a glass of water next to a glass of red wine, naive and ugly. i was those two things anyway.

"oh! i'm y/n l/n! nice to meet you, you do seem like a daughter of aphrodite," i said politely.

"darling, all women are daughters of aphrodite. i understand fred's interested in you?"

she observed me and i laughed.

"i don't think that's quite the word. he's my best friend."

"friends with benefits?"

"oh gosh no! i don't really know where we stand, honestly."

"bitter about it?"

i thought for a second, "nah, i couldn't be. love's a hard thing."

"it is, indeed, and you work for the ministry?"

i nodded, "head of the auror office. what about you?"

"i model for witch weekly."

i gasped, "you're the p. aphrodite? i should've known!"

"big fan?" she looked amusedly at me.

"my friends are, so naturally i am."

"you don't seem the type fred usually goes for."

"i wouldn't say he's even going for me," i said cautiously.

"you are much too cutesie for his type."

i glanced up at her. she was smiling kindly.

"pfft, but better cutesie than nothing, amirite?" i asked friendlily, "well it's been nice to talk with you, but i gotta hurry!"

"no worries, i'll come with you, i have some business at the ministry too. have you seen his past exes?"

"uhh, not really?"

"well they're all models for one magazine or another."

"oh, okay. and that's important because...?" i asked her carefully.

"i just thought you should know."

i laughed, "i'm not model material, am i? i don't mind at all."

she looks taken aback. "i would say, with longer hair," she plucked a hair out of my poor mess of locks, "and a shorter upper body, with perhaps lip fillers, you'd look model-like."

her tone was analysing and not at all attacking.

"only three things??" i asked, shocked.

"you are rather... pretty already," she mused, "not model-like, but cute."

we had reached the ministry.

"thanks, see you later!" she waved and disappeared.

all that was left was a buzzing fly which soon flew away.

i immediately dialled in my auror code in the red telephone box and was sent into hermione granger's office.

"'mione! how good to see you!" i hugged her.

"hello y/n!"

in the ministry and the auror department, the head of the auror office was probably more important than the minister for magic. i didn't know why. she had brought me a cup of hot chocolate.

"thanks, 'mione, you didn't need to. what's the mission today?"

"two babies are being held hostage in a coded location by a person who calls themselves the light lord. dark lord, light lord, y'know?" she handed me a coded piece of parchment.

i thoughtfully pondered, "the light lord. who do you need?"

"i was hoping you go on this mission, then you could give me some news on this light lord person."

"that's doable. we'll need to bring in hepole and a ministry official to negotiate passports and such. and a strong auror team."

"right on it. i'll get wally becker and charlotte-ann becker. they're a force to be reckoned with on the borders."

"how much experience?"

"they're twins, been doing this for about fifty years now."

"perfect. and hepole?"

"on the way."

"thanks, minister," i winked at her, getting out my telephone and dialling the disguise unit.

"hello, poplinn speaking."

"pop, we need a few disguises. light lord."

"miss l/n! o-of course!"

"and pop?"

"y-yeah?"

"call me y/n."

i hung up, dialling harry's office.

"harry, call draco and be in my office in ten minutes. i don't care what business he's doing with scorpius, we've got babysitters here. light lord, perhaps a second of voldemort."

"of course."

i picked up the ringing phone that was in the corner of hermione's office.

"y/n, me and scorpy are having a zoo day, we're at the muggle zoo you suggested."

"sorry dray, but it's important."

"there's no one else?"

"there are others, but we need your expertise."

there was a pause, "i won't need to show my dark mark?"

"it's fading anyway. no."

"i'll be paid?"

"in hundreds."

"how old are the children?"

"2 and 4," hermione said.

the silence told me he was sold.

"i'll be there."

i picked up the big microphone and said, "auror unit 156 to the brief room. no need to bring anything. see you there!"

"good luck," hermione grimly said, "be safe, head."

"mhm and cup o' coffee tomorrow? if i survive, that is," i grinned.

"'course."

i smiled, "c'ya!"

she was shaking her head.

"oi, no disappointment, 'mione! i was the one who got the ministry out of paperwork!"

"burning paper doesn't count, y/n."

"it wasn't burning paper, hermione granger, it was arson."

"no, it was the saddest form of arson i've ever seen."

"hey! that's rude."

"just go on your mission already."

i laughed, "on it, minister. kalle?"

kalle looked at me, "yes?"

"tell miss minister to take a break and play a game or something, will you?"

she smiled, "okay."

"give my thanks to your mother too, loved the cookies!"

"alright, good luck, head!"

"thanks, bye!"

i apparated to the brief room, where everyone was strapped into special camouflage clothes.

i handed hepole the parchment and immediately began briefing the unit, harry and draco, on the mission.

"please be safe out there. if you're injured, apparate or travel back here, okay?"

i looked at hepole.

he cleared his throat, "they're in albania. the forest there."

"okay. harry and draco will provide attacking forces," the two nodded.

"i want lopex, quentin blake, quentin grill and hilly to break into any establishment," i say to the team, "and eron, hawks, melv, argonas to hold the offender hostage. johnathan, team healer as always. i'll take the children. hepole, you come and accompany us till the forest, then you have my permission to stay back, and beckers, stay invisible with the cloak, write a report for the minister when you come back, understand? have faith, team! i believe in you. we travel by apparition with the machine in three minutes. call your family, chat, have a snack, drink some water, and relax."

i picked up my telephone and dialled my parents.

"hi mum, dad, i'm going on a mission!"

"alright, be safe sweetie," my mum called.

"yeah, don't die kiddo," my dad added.

"right right, i love you, bye!"

the mission was successful. we rescued the children and sent the kidnapper to trial for azkaban. i escaped with a gash on my forearm, but quickly fixed it up with a spell. it ended late in the evening, so the team healer had gone home. the wound kept opening again, but i wasn't sure if it needed stitches.

putting everything away and making sure the aurors were okay, i headed back to the apartment i shared with fred.

i felt emotionally and physically drained, ready to enjoy a good shower and a good late dinner.

when i fiddled with the key to the door and opened it, my heart absolutely stopped.

pretoria aphrodite was kissing fred passionately. i felt my heart fall ten thousand flights of stairs in disappointment. of course. i was all a rebound who was pathetically in love with him.

when they stopped and saw me, pretoria smirked and fred stood up, astounded.

"uhh, continue? sorry," i apologised awkwardly.

"wait, y/n, it's not what it looks like-" he said.

"i don't mind, be safe," i smiled, too tired and too weak to do anything, closing the door and feeling tears well up in my eyes as i took my bag and myself somewhere. anywhere away from this all. my wound burned. i cursed under my breath as i made my way to st mungo's.

"y/n, you should have come here earlier!" yvonne, my friend, says, as she slowly injects a needle into me, "it's infected! and it needs stitches."

i laughed, "everything needs stitches. this is why i didn't become a healer, yvonne."

she shook her head in dismay.

"lol."

i watched the needle go in.

then she stitched the bloody mess of a wound up, cleaning it gently.

"now i can't stay, y/n," i pouted, "no, don't give me that face, i have other patients."

i nodded, "thanks yvonne."

"no problems. take care. you're too reckless."

"am not!"

she laughed. "that's funny."

after the trip to st mungo's which was pretty short, i wondered what to do. my mind kept floating to the scene i had just witnessed.

i was just the stupid, stupid, girl he used as a rebound. he didn't even use me as a real rebound, just someone who was simply infatuated with him to help him forget his unforgettable ex.

looking at a shop window, i caught a glimpse of myself. i hated being insecure but it happened.

i looked ugly. eyes too small, nose too big, lips not full enough. my thighs touched and i didn't have abs. i had a long gash running down my forearm, surrounded by other cuts. my hair was messy and disgusting. compared to the angel on earth pretoria was, i was nothing. small and plain was nothing when luxurious and beautiful was present.

and it hurt. my heart hurt. my head hurt.

i shook my head gently of my thoughts, chuckling bitterly.

fred weasley was completely and utterly out of my league.

whatevs, i thought. hurting was fine.

deciding to get over him once and for all, i bought some groceries and apparated to the doorstep of lee and alicia's glamorous cottage.

i knocked twice on the door. "hellooo!" i called out.

"baby, can you get that?" lee asked alicia.

alicia opened the door, smiling as she saw me.

"hey ali!"

"hi! come in!"

at first glance i could tell she knew something wrong.

"can i sleep here tonight? and take a shower? and eat some of your food please guys? and maybe steal a shirt i left here for safekeep? and maybe use your telephone? i'm really sorry for troubling you, so i got you guys snacks."

i was the second cousin by marriage of lee. it was good overall, but he was super naughty.

"snacks?"

"your favourites."

"then i guess you can," he said cheekily and i laughed.

"alicia, i don't know how or why you ended up with this child, but i'm glad you did," i told her and she laughed heartily.

"he's cute, isn't he?"

"no," i quickly stepped into the guest bedroom and took a long shower, letting a few tears slip but not enough so that it looked like it. i was subtle.

i bundled up in heavy clothing and wrapped my hair in a towel.

gingerly, i bandaged the wound.

by the snores in the other room, lee was asleep. i crept out quietly, going to cook something.

alicia was sitting down, with my favourite comfort meal prepared. i felt tears of appreciation well up in my eyes.

"thank you, ali, i love you."

"you damn well do."

we both giggled.

"what happened?" she asked me.

"nothing. i just wanted a change."

"from fred? liar. i'll ask again. what happened, y/n?"

"just a long mission, that's all."

"after long missions you usually watch movies with fred."

"couldn't i visit my best friend and my cuz?"

"you visit us on weekends. it's a friday."

"well i wanted to visit you!"

"bullshit."

"is it that hard to believe?"

"what the fuck did fred do to you?"

"nothin'?"

"c'mon y/n, you have to tell me. there's a reason why you didn't go to angie and george's tonight."

"i went here because they're super kissy. you guys have space and act normally. i appreciate that."

"you're awesome at lying."

"i'm not lying!"

"does this happen to involve pretoria aphrodite?"

i nodded, sighing, "she's so nice and pretty." i played with my food.

"i bumped into her. she's pretty, but not nice."

"oh?"

"she called me fiercely ugly. she forgot i model for witch weekly too."

"what did you say back?"

"i told her to fuck off."

i laughed, "she was very nice to me. but next time i see her imma kill her."

"of course she was nice to you, you're a lil angel! anyway, she's an animagus, didya know?"

"whoa how did you know?"

"caught her in a jar. she's a fly. who do you think told hermione to catch rita skeeter in the jar?"

i laughed, "rita skeeter is a beetle! gosh, she's annoying."

"what did fred and pretoria do?"

"nothing."

"please tell me?"

"they-" i swallowed, "they were kissing, and so i came here because i didn't wanna watch anymore."

"hang on, he told you he loved you a few days ago?"

i nodded.

"that doesn't seem right."

i shrugged, "pretoria's better than me. i don't blame him."

"his mother would kill him!"

i shrugged again, "i don't think he was legit when he said that."

"molly weasley, y/n!"

"look, he can explain it to you, i don't even wanna hear it. the first stage of mourning is denial, they say."

"doesn't mean it's good."

"denial is awesome. it's ignorance, but you choose to be stupid. i'm already so stupid!" i groaned, covering my face with my hands, "so so so so so so so stupid, foolish, dumb, and i don't want you to tell me i'm not because i know i am. pathetic."

i gobbled down the rest of the meal, "ths 's delicous," i said, swallowing, "g'night!"

"don't be afraid to let it all out."

"yeah."

i shut the door softly, before brushing my teeth and collapsing exhaustedly on the bed, nodding off quickly.

the next day, i woke at 4am, and put on new clothes, apparating to the phone box and filling out paperwork for the missions yesterday.

i joined hermione quickly, handing her a cappucino and sipping my mocha.

"court sitting this early?" she asked me.

i nodded, "mistake of sirius black, now they do all court sittings within 24 hours of arrest."

"that's smart."

"yeah. it's good. he's obviously guilty right? just a dust of veritaserum to bring it all out?"

"i reckon he'll just confess."

"criminals don't go down easily."

"you guys did a spotting job. the children were unharmed."

"are they here today?"

"they're in st mungo's. being monitored."

"parents?"

"dead."

"oh gosh, those poor children. what's going to happen to them?"

"someone's adopting them, wally becker and his wife."

"that's awesome."

the court hushed as we entered the room. hermione and i shared amused glances and began the sitting.

he was found to be guilty and was chucked in azkaban.

"what an idiot, sending a message like that."

"yup," i chuckled, "what with hepole in our ministry, they never escape."

we laughed.

"how's everything with ron?" i asked her.

"i don't know if he's still into me?"

i almost laugh at her statement, "bro. of course he is."

"i never see him."

"then see him more!"

"how? i'm so busy!"

"busy enough for ron?" we both took sandwiches from the canteen lady with courteous smiles and words.

we sat down at the cafeteria.

"i guess not, but he's busy!"

"busy enough for you?"

"i guess not."

"'xactly."

"but he might not wanna go on a date."

"why? the boy's obsessed with you, 'mione!"

the aurors and ministry workers looked at us in fear as i rose up. i chuckled.

i immediately skipped over to the telephone, putting in the WWW's number.

"y/n! what on earth are you doing?" hermione said in a panicked tone.

"nothing to be worried 'bout."

"hello?" it was george. i thanked the heavens for that.

"yolo george, give the phone to your lil bro please."

"'kay."

hermione was gaping at me. i smirked at her.

"y/n?"

"hey ron, i want you to meet me in rosemary park at 5pm today."

"o-okay."

"could you also bring hermione's favourite snacks and wear an extra jumper?"

"what? why?"

"i'm curious, that's all," i said, "see you there!"

"is that y/n?" i heard fred's voice.

"nup, it isn't," i replied.

and with that, i hung up.

"hey 'mione?"

she was glaring at me, "what."

"meet me at rosemary park at 5pm?" i batted my eyelashes at her, before bursting out in laughter.

she laughed, "i love you."

"pfft, love ya too. you really are too careful. like he would reject you."

"what do you think i should wear?"

"let's go off work early today, at 3," i suggested, "we're both on top of our work anyway."

"okay! you wanna go now?"

"it's 11?"

"yeah!"

"alrighty! kalle!"

kalle turned to us, "yes?"

"hi! me and minister are going out to talk about the mission."

"alright, bye."

we apparate to hogsmeade.

"what theme do you wanna go for?"

"hmm," she thought for a second, "floral!"

"alrighty!" i fumbled for my cell phone and dialled the WWW's again.

"hello?" it was fred this time.

"heyo freddie," i said to him like nothing had ever happened, "tell ron to dress up at 5 pm in something cute but not too out there, preferably in florals or somethin', and he better bring me hermione's favourite flowers."

"wha? if he's going with you then- ohhhh."

"thanks, bye."

"wait!"

"mhm?"

"can we talk?"

"erm- about what exactly?"

"everything."

i sighed, "later, okay? i'm out with hermione and you've got work."

"okay. have a good time, lovely."

"you too."

i was utterly confused. here he was one day kissing pretoria, and now he was calling me lovely?

what the hell was going on?

"let's go, mione!"

we went and bought her a pretty pink dress with white lilies adorning it. it was cute and definitely casual, sort of like a sundress.

"what if he doesn't come?" hermione chewed on her lip.

"hermione jean granger, we both know that ron is absolutely definitely a thousand times head over heels in love with you. he wouldn't ditch you for the world! and look at you! anyone can see he's lucky to have you! you both are star-crossed. when has he ever ever ditched you?"

"with lav brown."

"lavender, she's, she's dead, hermione," i said carefully, "fenrir greyback bit her to death. it was a tragic, heroic, death. she was listed in the extended casualties sent to my office a few months after the battle. i think she's watching down on us from wherever she is up there."

"she's dead?"

"yeah," i replied sadly, "life is so short."

"yeah."

"what i'm tryna say, is that that might've happened, but it won't happen again now that he knows you love him and he loves you. understand?"

"yeah."

"and love him well, for the sake of lavender brown."

"for the sake of lavender brown," she said, smiling.

"yup, now, light lord. his name is actually pont knight."

"pont knight?"

"former assistant of me."

"pont knight?"

"yeah, i know right."

"how did he go again?"

"oh, i fired him," i laughed.

"why?"

"smart guy but terribly lazy and he kept asking for promotions! like please do something if you want money."

"interesting."

"he moved to eastern europe to chase after the trendiness of the islands. i think it was just an excuse. he's changed. he used to be clean-shaven and have the blondest hair."

"do you think he did anything else?"

"we did put him on veritaserum, right?"

"yeah, but it's illegal to put someone on it for more than 10 minutes now in court sittings."

"we could go visit him in azkaban later? i'll take gregir."

"yeah, maybe tomorrow or the day after?"

i nodded, "'course. today is a rest day for the aurors right?"

she nodded, "yeah, half of the agency is at home or working out in the gym."

"good. sometimes this work is so tolling, 'mione."

"yeah, i heard from st mungo's you got hurt?" her eyes were concerned.

i rolled up my sleeve, "that's it."

"that's it? what do you mean, that's terrible! you need to take better care of yourself."

"well sometimes it's hard to. it was worth it."

we continued chatting until it was 4:30.

"oop!" she checked her watch, "i have to go!"

"good luck! tell me how it goes, minister! i'll head back to check if anyone's called for you or me and dust it all up."

"thanks. i owe you."

"nah. i owe my job to you. if minister for magic didn't exist, i wouldn't either. i love you 'mione, be safe!"

"love you too!"

i apparated to the phone box and typed my letters in.

with a whoosh, i immediately spotted two letters and a beeping phone. i answered the phone, solving the problem of the woman on the other end of the line and scribbled a reply to both of the letters.

i finished the paperwork and sent it off, then visited my office. it was piling with letters. i answered all of them, redirecting some of them to different departments, before calling everyone back.

i spotted some of the aurors from yesterday's mission sitting in the cafeteria and talking.

i sat down next to them, "how are you guys doing? any injuries?"

they shook their heads, "we've been spending time in the healer's office and just exercising lightly by the orders of johnny," argonas explained and i nodded.

"take it lightly, and go home if you want to. seeing family always helps the process, hopefully not too many nightmares?"

they laughed, "nightmares all the time, miss," hawk said lightly, "get used to it in this job."

i frowned, "have you tried speaking to doctor yvonne? she might have ways to solve nightmares."

"ahh, miss, sleeping draughts can only do so much," hawk replied cordially.

i laughed, "alright, hawkeye, but just make sure you're not getting traumatised okay? what about you, lopex, quentins?"

they shrugged.

"it's okay? the door was very hard to bust into," lopex said quietly, "we had to try several bombarding charms."

"now, lop, it was easy work!" draco said, sitting down, "hello, head auror, hello unit."

it brought on a cacophony of greetings.

"how are you doing, dray?" harry sat down next to him, "hi everyone!"

we all replied with more greetings and a steady conversation started and flowed for a couple of hours.

i felt my cell phone go off and i excused myself, noting it was 9pm already.

i apparated to the apartment doorstep, knocking on the door just in case anything was happening. i checked the caller id, it was hermione.

fred opened the door, hair messy, still good looking. i smiled at him, patting his shoulder as i ran to the ringing telephone and picked it up.

"y/n!" i could just hear the beam in hermione's voice.

"'mione! how did it go?"

"absolutely wonderful, head auror, ahhh, he's so cute!"

"what happened?" i asked, smiling already.

"well it was really cold when i saw the picnic blanket, which was matching my dress for some weird reason, and ron was there in the cutest button up and he looked so handsoME and he gave me a flower, he's always handsome but i just can't! ahhhh!" she squealed and i clapped my hands in excitement.

"and then i was shivering and he gave me hiS JUMPER and it smelled like him and oh my gosh i think i might just be in love, y/n!"

i giggled, "my cooling charm did work!"

"whaT y/n????"

cackling, i said, "continue, i wanna hear more this is so adorable!!!"

i ignored the dirty glance fred gave me, quietening my voice.

"and then we had food and he said he had cooked it himself and was being such a dear and i told him that i loved him over and over again!!!"

i squealed silently again.

"and, and, gosh my english has gone out of the window!"

"english is nothing compared to the language of love!!" i giggled.

"we watched the sunset whilst cuddling, and i fell asleep and then when i woke up i was in his bed and he was looking at me intently and i just, i'm the luckiest girl alive!"

"you are but you deserve it! that's so sweet! i'm happy for you goshhh, you are the cutest couple. you're both such darlings!"

"and then we watched a muggle movie and he got scared of the spiders and it was so adorable ahhhhHHHH!!!"

"that's the cutesttttt," i gushed.

another dirty look from fred. i gave him a frown back.

"and then he walked me home and it started raining and we kissed in the rain and another check off of my bucketlist and oh my gosh he's so perfect."

"oh gosh that's beautiful," i was smiling uncontrollably.

"anyway," her tone changed into one of mischief, "wanna meet up tomorrow to talk about it?"

"sure thing! when and where? i'll be there!"

"erm, lemme chec- think," i heard the suspicious rustling of papers.

"you're sus. let's just talk about it over the phone. i don't want anything weird."

"how about 10 am in the morning at the field of fireflies?"

"that's a highly romantic place, miss minister. isn't it for couples or something?"

"no? you must be talking about fiona farm."

oh. "yeah, probs, well okay, it better have good coffee. i'm dying of boredom too, does it have a playground??" i asked, hopefully crossing my fingers.

"nope."

"awww, shucks, i don't think i'll go then. you wanna come over though?"

"no please come! there's a surprise!"

i was sold, "lovely. i'll be there at 9:30!"

"no, no, don't do that."

"what the hell, hermione, you're being so suspicious!"

"i'm not, okay? just come on time, you won't regret it."

"if there's any funny business i'm not committing arson ever again."

"oh crap."

i sighed.

"just come anyway!!! good night cheerio!!!"

"what the-"

the line ended.

i frowned, noticing the glare fred gave me yet again.

"is everything okay??" i asked him.

"no," he said rudely.

"well, do you need any help?"

"no."

"how was your day?"

"fine."

i sighed, "okay."

"you called ron cute."

i laughed lightly, "that's it?? and so what's kissing a girl huh, nothing? i called him cute because he treats 'mione like a goddess, because she is a goddess, for goodness sake. and he is cute, in a completely objective way," i added absentmindedly, "all you weasleys are."

he frowned.

"she kissed me!"

"oh i don't mind, i couldn't. my two braincells can't handle it. you kiss whoever you wanna, okay? live, laugh, love, and all that." i smiled.

he was silent.

"and we can talk after i meet up with hermione, okay?"

"okay."

"we don't needa if you don't wanna, of course. g'night."

"have a nice sleep."

the next morning, i got up and went to the field of fireflies or whatever.

it was a beautiful place. it was a full on field. meadows stretched across the near english countryside. the sky was clear and light, and the world around me was stunning.

winds blew from all directions, and i soon found myself accio!ing a jumper.

"hermioneeee???" i called, "you're leaving me hanging."

had hermione stood me up? i chuckled at the very thought, soon rolling in the field of flowers as i laughed.

"hermione you devil you stood me up! you left your poor little work wife hanging!" i shouted dramatically.

i suddenly spotted a little house? by the side of the meadow.

i ran towards it.

"whoa."

it was absolutely magnificent. beige little bricks were stacked on top of each other, grey bricks dotted in. the shillings were dark green, and plants hung out everywhere in the cracks of the house.

large windows which reflected the blue light in the sky spanned across the whole house, and a single wooden door stood ajar.

i just wish i had brought a camera. i sat on the grass, playing with the hem of my jumper sadly. even hermione didn't have time for me. i wondered what a sad person i must seem like.

"contemplating life there?" i heard a far off voice. i swung my head around, seeing fred standing and grinning.

yeah well duh i was, no thanks to you, i thought.

i immediately got up.

"we can talk here, right?" fred asked, as he brought me into the house.

"wow," inside, it was cluttered and messy, with plants sprouting everywhere and bookcases and things everywhere. i loved it.

"you like it?" he asked.

"love it."

"good, because i bought it," he laughed at my flabbergasted expression, "i'm rich, darlin'. let's sit, i cooked lunch."

"was this your plan? to have hermione stand me up?" i asked.

"love, i wouldn't call this a plan. simply just a boy trying to explain himself."

"look i don't need an explanation. i told you, you can love whoever you wanna, i don't mind, i don't care, i support."

"but i'm gonna have to explain because i wanna kiss you."

"then go ahead," i sighed, "if you're lying i will stab you."

"jeesh okay."

i looked at him.

"oh yeah, i forgot the food, here," he said casually, handing me a plate filled with yummy looking delicacies. i was willing to put up with his rubbish story telling for the food, i guess.

"alright, i'm all ears."

"okay. so she talked with you right?"

i nodded.

"did she take a piece of hair from you?”

i nodded again.

"so you came home just right about when the night lights flicker on in london. or so i thought it was you. it was actually, aphrodite, yeah? in polyjuice potion. and she knocked on the door, which i thought was strange. i opened it and she immediately kissed me, as you. and it was weird but it was you and i would give the world to kiss you like that," he said bluntly and i could feel my face heating up, "and then it went like that for a few seconds and she turned into pretoria, and by then the woman had her claws on me. then the door opened and i knew i had made a mistake and then you left and apologised so sweetly. i'm so so sorry, my love, please, i never meant to hurt you, i never meant to do anything. i broke up with her last year. i haven't wanted to be with her since. i want to be with you."

i looked at him. i knew he was genuine.

"okay. i'm sorry too, for not trusting you. i guess i was just really unsure of our relationship. it's still kinda blurry."

"what do you wanna be?"

"could we be official, please?"

he grinned, "of course."

then smiling sheepishly, he added, "can i kiss you now?"

"only if i'm the only girl you kiss from now on," i teased, smiling.

he blushed, placing my hands over his heart. it was beating very very fast.

"feel that, beautiful?"

i nodded.

"only you."

he gave me a cheesy grin and laughed at my blushing face, before tilting my head upwards and going in for a kiss but kissing my cheek.

"that's not fair!"

and that's how his head ended up falling into my lap, as i ran my fingers through his ginger strands.

he had fallen asleep just as the sunset began.

it was breathtaking. hues of orange and red danced across the sky.

"i can think of something a lot more beautiful than that," fred said, smiling.

"oh?"

"yeah. yeah."

"i don't believe you."

"that's because you can't see yourself right now."

[yourmidnightlover]

three, four squeezes

Summary- spencer finds watches you take what he thought was your last breath. turns out they weren't, but you're now in a coma. 

TW: coma, fem!reader, spencer pining, angst/fluff ig?, blood, gunshot

WC- 5,681

masterlist

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guilt.

regret.

pain.

fear.

spencer couldn't stop fiddling between as he rode with you in the back of the ambulance.

the guilt he felt as he realized that everything was his doing, his fault. if he wouldn't have froze and if he would've told you how he felt neither of you would be in this position.

the regret he had of never telling you how he felt. he never got to hold you as more than best friends and kiss you like he's wanted to so, so, so many times.

the pain of seeing you in so much pain. and the fear that worsened when you accepted the fact that you would die in his arms

the fear that the last time he held you was when you confessed your darkest secret to him. you never got to hear him tell you how much he truly loved you.

he took your much smaller hand in both of his and pressed it close to his chest, right on top of his heart as if he was trying to tell you what his heart had tried to make him.

he froze.

he shouldn't have froze.

he should've held you and told you how much he loved you. how much he wanted you. how much he's always wanted you.

he should've kissed you and never let you out of his sight. because maybe, just maybe, if he hadn't let you go then you would have never gotten hurt.

he was the reason you were dying.

he was lost in thought when the holter monitor held a steady, long beep. you had flatlined.

-

you felt the warmth radiating over your skin as you shifted in your position to sit up. you took in your surroundings.

you were in an endless pasture, filled with tall grass that would reach your knees if you had stood up. the sky was perfect, clear, baby blue color that you haven't seen in a while. you were laying on a red blanket with a picnic basket by your side.

the smell of fresh flowers and fresh grass filled your nose. the calming scent bringing you the peace that radiated around you as you observed further into this place.

you had on a flowy, pastel purple sun dress and a pair of white flats on. you turned your head to the side, only to notice you weren't alone.

"spencer!" you cheered excitedly as you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him into your touch. "you're here," you breathed out.

"i am here," you felt the vibrations of his chuckle. "but you shouldn't be here."

you pulled back and looked at him confused. "wh-why not?"

"because," he pushed a strand of hair out of your face as he gazed into your eyes. "you need to go back, sweetheart."

a rush of memories flooded your brain.

you confessed your past, your regret, your love.

he didn't love you back.

you were shot.

"i... i don't want to go back," you admitted with furrowed brows. "i want to stay here. with you."

he looked at you with what seemed to be pity. he scooted closer to you and wrapped his arm around you to pull you closer to his body.

"you can be with me back there. you know that," he said as he rested his chin on the top of your head.

"no, i won't. not-" you took a deep breath, "not like this."

"but this isn't even real. i'm just a figment of your imagination. you're disassociating with your body, and i'm your safe place," he said nonchalantly, as if hearing that didn't break your heart even more.

"but i want to be with you, spence. i've ruined everything out there. you don't want me," you spilled, letting a tear slip past your eye and down your cheek.

"i will always want you, y/n. always," he assured you as he pressed a kiss to your hairline.

"how do you know?" you looked up at him with pleading eyes.

"because i'm a genius. remember, sweetheart?" he chuckled.

"promise me?" you said as you turned around and held his hand, squeezing it in anticipation.

"i promise. go back, y/n. you need to go back." he repeated.

"not yet. just a little longer with you, please. just a little longer with you," you pleaded.

-

spencer had to let go of your hand so the doctors could get the defibrillator. he began shaking before he told himself to be strong. he had to be strong for you.

"please don't leave me..." he prayed for the first time in a while to a god he wasn't even sure he believed in. "don't die on me."

one of the paramedics ripped your shirt open so they could begin to start the chest compressions. spencer hated seeing you so helpless, lifeless, hopeless.

"charge to 260!" one of the doctors yelled before yelling clear and connecting it to your skin.

nothing.

"charge to 350!" she pressed it to your chest and abdomen one more time.

suddenly the monitor began beeping steadily again. you were alive. not okay, but you were breathing.

you had a heartbeat again.

you weren't leaving him yet.

"oh thank god!" he exclaimed as he watched the paramedics leave your side, allowing him to fill their void. he took hold of your hand once again and pressed his lips to it as he watched the paramedic on the other side of you monitoring everything going on with your status.

"thank you, y/n. thank you so much," he placed another kiss on your knuckles as he used his to wipe his tears away.

when you had made it to the hospital he decided to finally call morgan and garcia. he would let them know what happened, minus the whole love confession part, and ask them to alert the rest of the team.

morgan replied in asking if she was okay, and asked for the details later when he got there. garcia was just rushing to get out of her apartment and to the hospital to check on her 'little cherry blossom.'

garcia got there first no doubt breaking a few speed limits in the process, but he didn't mind because now he wouldn't be alone with his own mind. she engulfed spencer in her arms and let him sob it out as she did the same. she didn't ask what happened, she knew he would tell her when he was ready.

morgan took a bit longer, surprisingly. although, in his defense, he did live on the other side of town. upon arrival, he just placed a firm hand on spencer's shoulder and sat beside him in a seat, silently providing his own comfort.

jj was next to arrive. she was already in tears when garcia had called her to make her aware of the news. she gave spencer a tight hug before sitting beside garcia.

when emily got there she raced to jj to ask if they had any information yet, they didn't. she checked on spencer, making sure he wasn't losing his mind completely. she finally settled down and sat beside jj, placing a comforting hand on top of hers.

rossi and hotch arrived at the same time, they were both working late, finishing a few extra case files. they went around comforting the rest of the team, and made sure to pay extra attention to spencer.

everyone knew how close the two of you were. you were like bonnie and clyde, but rather you both solved crime instead of ensuing it. and they knew how much it pained him to see her in pain. even on cases when she would get wounded, spencer would pay the utmost care and attention to you.

spencer didn't say a word. he didn't say what happened. nobody asked. they sat in silence, with almost constant tears from the fear of losing you, waiting for answers to how you were doing.

after a few more hours, jj decided to ask the doctor yet again on any updates on your condition. she quietly got up after letting go of emily's hand and walked over to the front desk.

"ma'am," jj asked the receptionist, "is there any update on y/n y/l/n and her surgery. it's been a few hours now and we're getting wo-"

"y/n y/l/n?" a doctor came into the waiting room holding a clipboard, waiting for someone to claim her company.

spencer jumped up from his seat when he heard her name. everyone had refrained from using in fear of striking something in spencer. they didn't want to upset him more than he already was, so they just kept their mouths shut.

"yes?" he excitedly asked, feeling the sweat in his hands and the exhaustion overwhelming his body.

"she's out of surgery now. she's in a stable condition, but there's some bad news," the doctor grimaced as the others waited expectantly for the rest of the news. "she had a prolonged period of time without oxygen to her brain, she's now in a coma. we aren't sure when she'll wake up," the doctor finally spewed out. "you can go visit her now. maybe one at a time so she can decipher who's who. she can hear what you say, so make it positive and encouraging," he concluded.

spencer looked back at the team, waiting for them to signal that he could go visit her before following the doctor to your room.

spencer walked inside and saw you lying there, lifeless while barely alive. and it was all his fault. you told him it wasn't his fault. in what you thought were your last moments, you wanted him to be at ease. while you were bleeding out from his stupidity, you still claimed your love that he never told you he returned.

and for that he would never forgive himself.

oh, what he would give to hear your laugh again. to see your smile, feel your touch, smell your hair once more. he wanted you back.

so he did the only thing he could do. he sat by your side and grabbed your hand for the millionth time and held it to his cheek, trying to feel your warmth.

"hi, y/n," he started off, deciding to give this whole 'encouragement' thing a try. "there are a lot of studies on whether or not someone can hear whilst their in a coma, but i'm going to try it anyway," he tool a deep breath.

"you're the strongest woman i know, and i meant it when i told you that earlier tonight. i know that you can get through this. i want you to know that i'll be here for you every step of the way. i promise. i-i'll take off every day until you wake up. i have to take a sabbatical anyway, so i can just ask them if i can take it early. if i can't then i'll make garcia come here every single day and i'll call her so you can hear my voice," the tears filled his eyes once again.

"i-i need you here with me, y/n. please," he begged for what felt like the millionth time that night.

"spence," jj called from the doorway. "would you mind if we all talked to her for a minute? then you can come back? i need to get back to my boys now that i know she's going to be okay," she said with a bit of guilt at the thought of her being able to go home.

home to her husband and children.

y/n has always wanted children. she'd be such an amazing wife, and an even better mother. spencer wanted the chance to witness her being a mother first hand, and maybe even being the mother to his own children.

he wanted to give her everything she's ever wanted. he wanted to stay with her until he was forced to have to leave.

truth be told, the day you walked into the bau, you changed his life forever and he didn't even know it. he thought it was just going to be another temporary fill in, until you performed so well at your job that the bau just had to hire you permanently.

you're so amazing at everything you do. everything you've ever done. you always push yourself to be and do your best, something spencer has grown to love and admire you for.

so he just hopes you have a reason to fight. a reason to fight for your life, to fight for him. he hopes that you have hope.

"yea, of course," he pressed his lips to your knuckles one more time before leaving the room, hugging jj on the way out.

garcia was right outside the door, waiting for spencer to come out so she could give him a hug. she wrapped her arms around his torso as his went around her shoulders.

"she's strong, spencer. she'll get through this," garcia tried to comfort him.

"you should've heard her. she-she sounded like she was ready to give up hen she was lying there, bleeding out on the ground," spencer pulled back to look at garcia. "i can't lose her. n-not now."

"you won't lose her," she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder before he nodded to her and walked back into the waiting room, being met by emily's own embrace.

"i'm not gonna tell you how strong she is, because i think we all know that by now. but you can talk to me, reid. that's what you have to know. you can talk to any of us," she consoled before pulling back, her hands still gripping his shoulders tightly.

"sh-she told me she was in love with me," he said out loud for the first time.

"what?" emily's eyes widened at the realization before she pulled his hand to go into an empty room. "explain, please?"

"she told me she was in love with me," he repeated. "and i froze," he sighed.

"you froze? what do you mean? i thought you loved her too?" she pondered, a confused look clouding her face.

"how'd you know that? and yea, i do love her. i love her so much it hurts," he looked down at his feet. "i didn't say it back because i couldn't believe it was happening. i-i mean have you seen her? she's the definition of perfect and she said she loves me."

"oh, spencer," she said before giving him another hug, allowing him to break down in her arms.

"she walked out after that," he grimaced. "when i started walking back to my place that's when i heard the gunshot and called the ambulance. then i noticed it was her and i broke. it's my fault she was out there. if i would've told her how i felt she would've been in my arms and safe. instead, she's in a coma because i was too confused to say anything," he vented.

"it's not your fault, reid. you have to know that," she said before pulling back. "it's the guy who shot her's fault. not yours. you didn't pull the trigger."

"i might as well have. she doesn't know how i'm in love with her," spencer whined, feeling more hopeless than he did when he was kidnapped and drugged.

because at least then, he knew the team would be coming for him.

but he didn't know if you ever wanted to come back.

when you were lying there, dying, it was like you were saying goodbye as he held you in his lap. his hands, pants, and even shirt were covered in your blood.

he hadn't even noticed. he didn't care to notice. you were the only thing on his mind. everyone else knew he wouldn't leave without knowing your condition, so they didn't bother telling him to go clean up. emily noticed him eyeing his own appearance.

"go change. i'll call you if we have any updates. relax, please. she's not going to leave you," emily said before shooing him away to clean up.

spencer went to his place to change quickly and take a shower after morgan gave him his hoodie to wear on the drive there. meanwhile, emily walked out into the waiting room and took notice of morgan in his own worry.

"she'll fight. we know she will," emily confirmed as she walked to sit beside him.

"i know she will, but i'm also worried about the kid," morgan moved his head out of his hands as he looked at emily. "he told me how he was in love with her. and i'm willing to bet this has something to do with that. he's been through so much, he doesn't deserve to lose another person in his life."

"i know, you're right. he doesn't deserve this, nobody does, but he especially doesn't deserve this," emily said as she put her hand over his back, rubbing it soothingly.

"i'm gonna see if i can have my turn talking to y/n," he stood up and walked to your room, taking notice of jj still inside and penelope waiting patiently.

he wrapped his arms around garcia and let her cry as jj finished up inside before exiting and saying her goodbyes to everyone, allowing penelope to have her turn to talk with you.

showering helped spencer more than he thought it would. being covered in your blood was more frightening than he thought, so seeing his own skin on his hands was much easier for him.

he drove himself back to the hospital, wanting to avoid more prying eyes of cab drivers taking notice of his obvious grief and panic.

when he walked inside, hotch was inside your room with rossi, despite the 'one-person-at-a-time' rule. he knocked on the outside of the doorframe, alerting the two of his presence.

"kid. hey," rossi came up to greet him, giving him a quick hug before hotch did the same.

"reid, we know how close you two are, so just know that she's probably fighting to get back to you, the rest of us too, but especially you," hotch declared with a pity grin.

"i hope you're right," he glanced back in the room to look at you. "i really hope you're right."

spencer walked back into your room after the two older men left. he scooted the chair closer to your bed and held your hand. he crossed his arms on top of your bed, your hand still in his, and laid his head down on his arms.

he waited.

and waited.

and waited.

there was no progress.

he wanted you to come back to him. he wanted to feel your touch again and hear your laugh. he wanted to tell you how he felt. he just wanted you.

he was able to work at home on the few cases they received, and took his paperwork to your hospital room when he wasn't able to finish it as quickly as normal.

as the weeks went by, his hope began to dwindle, but his determination only grew. he was determined to be able to tell you how much he loved you while you were awake, so he refrained from spilling his guts while you were still unconscious.

he would read you books. your favorite books. the books you would ask him to read to you when you were feeling sad and wanted to hear his voice to calm you down.

he played your favorite songs. the songs you and him listened to on the way to work or to museums he would beg you to go to with him.

he even played chess with you. granted, he was more so playing himself acting as you. he would try to play whatever moves he felt you would play against him.

he cried with you. he cried for you to come back to him. he cried that you never stop fighting. he cried that he would get at least one more time to talk to you.

but one day the doctors noticed that you were able to breath on your own. they were able to take the tube out of your mouth and throat and nose. that was his hope. your strength was his hope.

he sped to the hospital that day, wanting to see you as soon as he could. it had been three weeks since the shooting, and he desperately needed the sight of your chest moving up and down voluntarily, a sign of your own breath breathing life into your body.

emily just nodded her head at him to go when he stormed into her office, she had received the same call seconds earlier.

when he came into your room, he as already in tears at the new progress. he brushed your hair out of your face and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

"keep fighting, y/n/n. you're so close to coming back to me, to us, to the team. please keep going," he begged as he sat down by your side. "i got the call about you being able to breath on your own, and i ran into emily's office. she didn't even need to say anything, she knew it was you," he smiled momentarily.

"i can't wait to be able to hug you again, and feel your warmth again. i uhm, i never told you this, but we've kissed," he smiled at the memory. "it was that night you were drunk and told me about your parents. you had kissed me after i told you how beautiful and amazing you were, and how wrong your parents were. i kissed you back, too," he gently bit his lip at the confession. "i-i didn't tell you because... i shouldn't have kissed you back. god, i've always wanted to kiss you, but not when you were drunk and vulnerable. i felt like i took advantage of you, and i hated that i did that to you. so, i never told you," he frowned at the hidden secret.

"but please, please, please come back to me. please let me kiss you for real this time. let me tell you how i feel, and hold you forever and ever. please just don't leave me. i won't be able to take that, y/n. i know how selfish that is, but i can't live without you. these past few weeks without hearing your voice has been hell," he frowned.

he had called your phone every day since the shooting just to hear your voice on the voicemail. those 29 words have been one of the things he's loved listening to when he woke up. he'd never admit it, but you'd realize it once you checked your phone.

another thing he loved doing was look through his videos of you. in one particular video, maybe even his favorite, you had taken his phone and began recording him on it.

you knew he hated his own appearance, although you'd never understand why, so you secretly took his phone and began recording him.

"hey spence! can you come here?" you called as you were in the living room, waiting for him to bring you your chicken tandoori.

"yup! i'm coming!" he came racing out with the two boxes of takeout, giving you one as he sat on the couch. he didn't even notice the phone with how you placed it in your hands.

"thanks handsome," you teased, although you meant every word you said. his face automatically blushed at the compliment, but he rolled his eyes nonetheless.

"oh, shut it," he said before stuffing a piece of chicken in his mouth. you giggled at his reaction, his favorite sound in the world.

"never. i don't know why you think you aren't attractive. you're so beautiful, spence, i'm surprised you don't already have a special someone," you nudged him with your elbow, the phone now being rested against your thigh to get a perfect view of him. you could see the smile he tried to hide by biting his lip gently.

"but i guess that does mean i get to spend more time with you, so i won't object," you laughed out before finally taking a bite of the food.

spencer noticed the phone on your thigh after you took a bite, his eyes widening at what he realized you were doing.

"y/n! why were you recording me?!" he exclaimed, trying to grab the phone and succeeding. he turned the camera on to you as you began laughing loudly at his reaction. "what do you have to say for yourself, ma'am?" he questioned.

your smile was brighter than ever, your face red from all the laughing. you were wearing one of spencer's sweaters, your favorite one. you had taken a couple because 'they're cozier' than yours. you put your hands up in surrender.

"i guess you caught me, hot stuff," you laughed before he placed the phone down and began his tickle attack on you. "ahhh! spencerrrr! please!" you laughed out. "i surrender!" tears of laughter were streaming down your face.

"fine. i think you've paid your penance," he joked before grabbing the phone and turning the camera on only you once again, you blushing from the action. "y'know you're really beautiful, right?" you smiled widely at his confession, sensing the sincerity in his voice.

"thank you, spencer. so are you, truly beautiful," you smiled even wider before he finally turned the camera off.

he remembers that day like it was yesterday. he'd like to claim it was because of his eidetic memory, but it was also because of you.

you had gotten the weekend off and decided to spend it together, once again. you had stayed the night with him all weekend, you insisted on sleeping on the couch to which he objected, forcing you to take the bed with him.

you had woken up cuddled in each others arms, facing each other like you had been hugging the whole night. spencer felt the most content he had ever felt in that moment, never wanting to let you go or wake you, so he waited for you to wake up.

that was the best weekend he's had in a while. you two acted as if you were in a relationship, domestic. it was delightful.

there was another picture the two of you had taken after a rather successful case.

all the missing children were found safe, a rare occurrence, so you had gone out to a bar to celebrate. it was mostly emily, morgan, and garcia's doing, so you had all eventually agreed once you figured out they wouldn't back down.

you had known how spencer was at bars, he was sometimes rather uncomfortable with all of the people. it made him anxious and a bit intimidated. so after you had all met up at the bar and you noticed how nervous he was, you intertwined your arms and took his hand in yours.

"my mom used to do this thing when i was anxious or nervous to calm me down," you whispered, wrapping your other arm around his one as you squeezed his hand three times. "it's supposed to be our way of assuring the other. a way of saying i'm here," you explained before he squeezed four times in return, your brows furrowed. "what does that mean?"

"i-it could mean i'm glad you're here," he grinned as he noticed the smile that erupted on your face from his kind words.

and you didn't let go all night.

"please come back to me, i know you can. you're so strong, please just come back to me," spencer wailed. he felt your hand squeezing his as he held it, making his encouragement the entire reason you came back to him.

-

"spence, you're making a mess," you giggled, wiping the corner of his lip free of the chocolate you two were eating, still in that heavenly place.

"i'm sorry! it just tastes really good," he smiled back as he watched you lick the chocolate from your thumb.

"mm, you're right. it does taste really good," you nodded your head. "so i'm taking all of them!" you grabbed the box full of chocolate and began running. looking back to see spencer chasing after you, you bursted into a fit of laughter.

the tall grass tickled your legs slightly, the breeze lifting your dress a tiny bit as you continued to jog ahead of him, teasing him with your laughter. he finally caught up with you, taking you down with him as you both giggled.

“you got me, dork,” you laughed, pushing his shoulder lightly. 

“of course i do! did you expect anything less?” he said arrogantly, you rolled your eyes. 

“never from you, doctor,” you teased as he pulled you in closer to him, you nuzzled your face into his neck as he admired the view around him. suddenly he stood up, the chocolate box in hand, and began running. 

“you little tease!” you shouted before getting up to chase him as he did you previously. “spencer reid, you’re so gonna get it!” you laughed out

"don’t leave me," he turned around to face you and called out, suddenly you felt a pang in your stomach where you had been stabbed.

you made eye contact with him, a look of shock and horror on your face as you tried to figure out what was wrong before you collapsed to the ground.

"sp-spencer? what's happening?" you asked as he pulled you into his lap.

"it's been two weeks y/n, i-i miss you." he began. "i know you're right here with me, but i miss your voice. and your laugh-"

"spencer i'm right here. i was just laughing with you," you tried to interrupt his monologue.

"and i miss the way your hair would crowd my face as we slept and how it would make me wake up. i miss hugging you and-"

"spencer please, i'm here," you cried, squeezing his hand as hard as you could to signify your presence.

"please come back to me, i know you can. you're so strong, please just come back to me."

-

"y/n! can you hear me?!" he exclaimed, you squeezed his hand once more, a little tighter than the last time. "oh my god! oh thank you so much, y/n," he cried as he kissed your knuckles once more, your fingers twitching in the process.

"doctor. we need the doctor!" he said as he pressed the nurse's button. "she's squeezing my hand. her fingers started twitching!" he said excitedly as the nurse entered, exiting to get the doctor.

you squeezed his hands three times, him returning with four times. you understood what he meant. his eyes were trained on your face and he saw as your lips twitched upwards in a smile.

the doctor came in to perform a few tests and forced him to release your hand. he asked you to squeeze his hand once more, you followed suit. the doctor noticed your nose twitching and neck beginning to turn.

"she's gaining control over her body again. this was predicted once we found out she could breath on her own, we just didn't think it'd happen this quickly. a recovery this soon after removing the tube is almost unprecedented," he said in awe of your strength.

"she's the strongest person i know. it's no surprise that she's recovering this fast," spencer said as he took hold of your hand again.

"indeed. she should regain full control over herself within a few hours or by overnight at this point. go easy on her, she's still recovering from being shot. i also need to observe the bullet hole on her stomach, but you could stay for that if you'd like." spencer nodded as the doctor raised the hospital gown.

there was deep bruising around the bullet hole and a scab over top. your stomach looked smaller than it had the last time he'd seen it, a result from you having to be fed through a tube. you were unbelievably pale, no surprise there either because of the lack of sunlight.

"it's healing nicely, the scab looks healthy and the bruising is getting better. she's a fighter, this one," he smiled at spencer.

"you have absolutely no idea," he said, not breaking his eyes from your beautiful face.

the doctor left swiftly after charting her vitals and giving her a shot of her vitamins. spencer sat back down in the chair and held your hand once again, waiting for you to fully wake up so you could once again be in each others' arms.

later that day, at around 11:50, your entire body began shifting. spencer sat up straight away, trying to held you in any way possible.

"that's it, y/n! come on, you can do it, y/n/n," he cheered you on, smiling so hard he felt his eyes prick with tears. you turned onto your side, towards spencer, and your eyes had began to twitch open.

"sp-spencer?" you questioned once your eyes were fully open.

"yea, yes. it's me. i'm here. i'm right here," he wrapped his arms around you, adjusting his grip after you grimaced from his tight hold. "i'm never leaving. i'm never letting you leave again," he ranted out, placing a hand on the back of your head as you wrapped the arm that didn't have an iv around his body, pushing your head to nuzzle into his neck.

"i'm so sorry. i never should've left you there," you cried into his arms.

"it's okay, y/n. it's not your fault at all," he soothed as his hand started stroking your hair gently. "i'm so glad you came back to me. thank you so much," he sighed as he gently placed a kiss on your head."

"you really think i would go that easily? i thought you knew me better than that, dumbo," you laughed out.

"i'm glad to see you still have that sense of humor in you," spencer scoffed, followed by a bright smile.

"oh that's not going anwhere, spencer. and neither am i."

@averyhotchner  @greenprisca  @muffin-cup​

[miscelunaaa]

I was thinking about your repost of warnings and being more inclusive to a variety of bodies in ff. Something that pulls me out of a fic so often is hairstyle descriptions. This obviously isn't the same as not being inclusive of different body shapes/sizes or readers of color, but to me its often really gratingly pushes white cishet traditional gender presentation. Like...not all women have long hair (which is my thing) or can have white girl hairstyles. Like why do you have to write about long flowy hair and messy buns so much? This is already really irritating as a person with short hair which is a much smaller deal than physical things you can't change. And I keep thinking that a lot of this language is probably also really alienating to pocs with curly hair. So....ugh!

I really appreciate you being vocal on this topic and I love your blog and your writing so much!

Hair is another one I catch all the time!!! I'm a white woman with loose, wavy curls but I keep my hair short. It's actually short enough that I can't really put it up right now, and while I love the idea of having long beautiful hair, it's just never been something I've been able to achieve because the maintenance alone drives me nuts. And I still have enough hair that it could be grabbed or played with. This is not going to be the same experience a person of color with curls might have!!

It's something that is so frequently overlooked. It's one thing if it's just a line like "He noses at the nape of your neck and smells your hair," because even a person with with a tight textured curl at any length will still have hair to smell, right? And with smut scenes involving hair pulling as a warning, like, I can suspend my disbelief because there's likely an element of fantasy involved. And then there's the matter of reader-insert characters that are explicitly written as POC which!! That's amazing! These characters are written with these traits in mind and that representation is so incredibly important, especially in a fandom that celebrates Korean men while also having a huge issue with white washing.

When it comes to a reader-insert that's intended as neutral, it just seems disingenuous to assume that everyone has long white girl hair that is easily thrown up into a bun at the end of the day. It bothers me in the same way that descriptions of super skimpy clothing do; it's just clear that the writer doesn't really care to have an eye for inclusivity, whether by willful ignorance or by coincidence.

And again, there are points where I can suspend my disbelief! Sometimes the reading experience is immersive enough that I don't even notice, or maybe the character is very specific and those are moments where the character writing is strong enough that I'm just stepping into their experience of the story. But ... there's an intent there. Not every writer approaches things as such, and with that in mind I think we have to approach the convention of a reader-insert character in a different way.

I often feel like I'm talking to the air about this stuff, so I really appreciate you reaching out. Seriously. I think this really important and it doesn't get the attention it needs. Folks will talk openly about the problems, but I don't often see action or change taking place within work. Effecting these changes can be difficult for some writers because they can be so set in their ways, and that's frustrating. They want the fantasy of it all, rather than showing people that it's okay to be desired as they are. I think this is disingenuous; if you want feedback and praise, writing your "fantasies" with more people in mind would probably get more feedback, right? idk, I'm just rambling again at this point 🙃

Anyway, again, I'm really glad yall are reaching out about this!! I'm happy you're enjoying my stories and reading my thoughts :)

[munimuni-muna]

So I've been thinking, maybe I should write. I had this dream of an older Giorno for some reason and thought, hey I could make this a reader's insert type of story! But I'm no writer, so I hope this isn't too bad.

Title: His Best Friend

Premise: It's almost 10 years after Giorno became Don and for some reason, his best friend from way back keeps popping in his mind.

His emerald eyes searched about the room, examining the furniture that has been here for almost 10 years now. Having been a Don for the same amount of time, he decided to continue his education in his mansion. Never did he come back to school. Cleaning up after Diavolo's mess is just a mountain of work to ever set aside.

But once in a while, he would escape; In the dormitories of his previous school, was his quaint room. It was a place of solace where he imagined being where he is now, a place of quiet where he could be vulnerable, a place he was often with you. He never got the guts to give the room away, so he bought it instead, keeping the locks the same as it always have been. Because he knew you had the key.

And he wondered why he missed your company so. Thoughts of you never came across his mind when he was younger nor when he's at work. It was always when he visited this place or when he's more tired than usual. There was always something about you that felt relaxing.

Giorno sat himself down on the floor, leaning on his bed frame. You always did this with him back then and let him rest his head on your sholder when he's stressed out. He loved listening to your talks of goals and dreams. And rarely, you even got him to talk about his. Then you'd quietly listen with no judgement. He watched as your proud and hopeful eyes brighten.

"You'll get there one day because you're Giorno Giovanna." You'd say, unknowing how those words impacted him greatly, how it encouraged him so. And then you'd lean your head on his as you both drift to an afternoon nap.

Giorno stood up. He couldn't resist the allure of the soft bed no longer, so he sat himself on it, bouncing slightly at contact. His palm carressed the linen bed cover and paused.

He then untied his golden braided locks that flowed in a happy mess down his back. This long maine was shorter still when you were around. And sometimes you'd ask his permission to braid it. He'd always say he'd think about it just to tease you. But in truth, he wanted you to touch his hair. You were always allowed, yet you always asked. But he never seeked your touch despite his craving for it. He'd always wait for you to ask first.

Crave. He craved you? Has he been feeling that way all this time? Is it alright to crave a friend? Perhaps. He thought. But what does he crave for in specific? He's never put an effort to finding you, never gave in to this 'craving'. Your mind was always a traveler. It was filled with so much stories about the world to explore out there, from picture books and magazines you've read and seen; How beautiful it must be to visit the great pyramids in Egypt, to see the cherry blossoms bloom in Japan, how eerie and lovely the Taj Mahal might be, or how crystalline the Philippine virgin beaches could be. There's a world in your eyes that he could see, a bright one compared to the gloom of reality. Yet you had no desire to travel on foot. You've always travelled by pen, and you were just full of passion when your thoughts bled on paper.

Where are you now?

Giorno plopped himself onto the bed, scattering his golden locks behind him like crooked rays of light. A growing pain sat on his chest, encouraging a deep sigh of frustration out of his mouth. He closed his eyes, trying to pin the feeling down. But no matter how much he wrestled, there was nothing, no answer, just the image of your face.

The clicks on the door snapped him back from the pool of his thoughts. That couldn't be Mista. The guy always knocks. Those clicks were the sound of unlocking the door, and he didn't have any key.

Giorno sat himself down, his calm demeanor contrasting the boiling pot of assumptions in his mind; Does his opposition know about this place? How did they know he came here? He made sure to keep his visits here random enough not to call attention. Whoever this was, if they're aggressors, they're making the biggest mistake of their lives by opening that door.

He sat on the bed, unsheathing Golden Experience, ready for anything. His emerald eyes focused on the opening door as it slowly revealed the person on the other side.

Being a Don for years now, hardly anything surprised him anymore. But the sight of you standing on that doorway was almost surreal to him! Never did he expect that he'd see you in the flesh right here right now. For a second there, he even thought his stand somehow has a hand with it, but no. This couldn't be a dream. Like a gush of wind rudely hitting his face, it all started to make sense to Giorno: the moemories of you, the craving, the growing pain.

"La mia amore." He let slip the words that should've been said long ago. How stupid can he be for only seeing it now?!

"Giorno!" You called him, your visage mirroring his surprised one.

Seeing tears starting to flow down your cheeks, he let his heart lead the way; Without another word, he expeditiously made his way to wrap his arms tightly around you, making up for those years that he was a fool for not seeing through the veil of his own emotions. And you generously return the gesture.

Ah, this is it. This is the feeling. He thought.

"I missed you." You say, pressing your cheek on his chest, (which was stil very much exposed despite this winter, you noted). "Let me see." You pull away from his embrace which he thought was a pity.

Examining Giorno from head to toe, you see that he has significantly have you beat in height now. He wore a black leather coat, furred round the neck for more heat. Then you finally gaze at his emerald eyes, the body might have changed greatly, but you knew those eyes were still the ones you knew, only now they looked sharper as if it had seen things it didn't like. And you understand that Giorno Giovanna has achieved his dream.

You cupped his cheek as you searched his eyes. He immediately leans to your touch. There was an enigmatic glow dancing about those green orbs you can't quite comprehend at the moment.

"Welcome back." You say, flashing him a thoughtful smile.

Giorno's heart felt full as he pulled you in his arms one more time, a kiddish spark dancing in his eyes. "I missed you too, amore." He said, pressing a lingering kiss against your cheek.

And you had to pull away slightly, surprised by his sudden intimacy. "A-amore?" You stuttered, studying his eyes. If only the answers were there. Giorno has always been hard to read, but by observation, you learned that he conveyed his emotions through subtle mannerisms and reactions. But this forwardness was vastly different from his usual quiet demeanor!

Giorno enjoyed your coy reaction too much to let go of you now. So he pressed his forehead onto yours. He felt you tensing at his sudden closeness while you made fists of your hands on his chest, crumpling his neat clothes. But he paid no mind. In fact you're reaction only encouraged him. "And why would I call the love of my life anything else?" He teased. "Have you been coming here all the time, amore? Were you waiting for me?"

He waited for a response from you, a banter perhaps. But there was a long pause which made him worry. Maybe he was being too forward? You have been away from each other a long time. And the last you've seen each other, you were just friends. Friends. He almost hated the word at the moment. That was not how he wanted your relationship to be, not anymore.

"Yes." You say, pulling him out of his thoughts. "I go here from time to time…hoping…you would…come home." You faded out, averting your eyes from him. The last thing you thought of doing today was to reveal your pining for your best friend, but apparently here you are doing just that.

Giorno heaved a sigh, resting his forehead on your shoulder. "Oh amore, we've only met again." He said, interlacing his hand with yours. "I really want to keep things wholesome. But your reactions are making it difficult."

You were speechless at how shockingly honest he was being. But the happiness you felt from his words were sublime! The puzzle that is Giorno Giovanna is communicating his emotions with you clearly. And that's enough for you for now.

Giorno leaning on you gave you the perfect view of his unbraided locks just sitting on his back in a happy flowy mess. And you couldn't help but ask;

"May I brush your hair, Giorno?"

He chuckles as he always does. "You may." He answered.

Your free hand was quick to find its way to his golden locks, brushing the mess gently. You always loved his maine. The relaxation it provided you while you braided or brushed it was nostalgic. "Your hair has grown, il mio amore." You say.

He giggles at your comment, pulling your hips closer. "Do you like it?"

"I love it." You say. To you, his maine has always been like the man himself: intense like its sudden shifts from a jet black to a golden blonde, and evergrowing, the longer it got, the more magnificent it became.

A relaxing quiet enveloped between you two. You continued to brush his locks while he leaned on you, closing his eyes. Everything just felt peaceful for once especially for Giorno.

"I want to take you home." He broke the silnce, squeezing your hand.

"That's a very forward offer, Giorno, but I have to decline. I'm still trying to get my book published, you know." You say.

Silence.

"Do you still live by that bakery?" Giorno inquired.

"Visit me there when you have time?"

"It's a promise."

[prismaticpotentia]

Outtakes

So, all the context for these is that sometimes while drawing I said funny things while talking to @bumblingbunny or other friends, and so this is those under a cut. Hope they make you laugh!

Harmony:

"...I was like 'Oh god how do ladies age I've only drawn old men'"

"I might give her shoujo bubbles and stuff in the bg."

Nyxa:

Elly:

(I didn't even remember her name right, shame on me.)

Johanna:

"Next is Dame Johanna because if I draw everyone before my own boy I won't forget to draw them!"

Harlequin:

Captain Dreadful:

Tristan:

Referencing this vine constantly:

Princess Rosalie:

Just full on forget her eyebrows and queue that why don't I

Samuel:

"I'm glad you like the fruits of my insomnia except I keep forGETTING EYEBROWS"

"Now what the fuck will I have Samuel say. I may have to sleep on it."

"Bc Sammy boy wears a lot of black, nothing on him is really grayscale, his hair's midnight blue and his shirt's a black-purple so he does not turn into a blobule man."

Marcus:

"I just noticed that other than Harmony, he’s the only one with an unnatural hair color in game."

"I know if I was reading the an actual [Manwha] with them, it’d be a tossup between Sam and Marcus for who I’d want to win. But that is because I’m a simple gay"(Auryn did not exist yet)

"I cannot wait for Imortals Bitching At Each Other."

"Me, making Marcus: I love this hair! It's so pretty! Me, drawing Marcus: This hair makes no goddamn sense."

Princess Maisie:

Sadly I drew her when all my friends were asleep and said no funny things.

Prince Auryn:

"He's so pretty I'm getting mad about it, lol"

"Hey what if I drew ship bait"

Prince Dorian:

"That first picture was a different Prince OC with a D name, lol"

"I tried to make him look tired bc his curse causes him to cast from lifeforce."

(Talking about Auryn)

"Now black clothes forever lol"

"They won't be exactly black, in order to keep it from blobuling and losing all detail."

"Wait, shit, I forgot his beard Glad I fixed that before queuing it"

The Merchant:

"I love that someone made an in-game merchant"

"Unexpected problems when I committed to drawing all the entrants for this just because:

Everyone looks good in black so everyone puts their sims in black.

There's only so many variations of black and brown hair you can do before people look related when they shouldn't.

NPC Dialogue Hard

Feeling vaguely racist when both black lady characters have their tiddies on display but it's definitely not my fault.

Even though you know they didn't part of you wonders if design choices were made just to spite You, Specifically." (To clarify I love everyone's characters a whole lot even if choices frustrated me to figure out.)

"Lol I’ll take a break when I stop having fun. It’s mostly just I’ve been drawing entrants long enough to reach Weird Thought Zone."

Yadira:

"Idk why I decided to give her the kitty ear part, but she looks cute with it!"

"Making her expressive without a mouth was an interesting challenge!"

"Is it weird to say I like how her tits came out?"

"I feel like I also nailed the big titty lean we all do at high tables and bars where we just let that take the weight."

Fiadh:

"Fiadh is fighting me and I am about to lose it"

"Green is fine and good, red is HATE"

"I need to widen her chin a bit more. Honestly I love how square her features is, it's so unique and pretty."

"Also I can't wait for Dianthe to join the circle of people who Marcus can't hardly stand."

"I think I figured out how to fix what I hate of her upper hair."

"Fits more the "Messy curls hurriedly tied back" look I was going for."

"Ye, I started running out of good solid color ideas that wouldn't look too samey, so I started doing gradients."

Dianthe:

"I'm excited to make a flowy goddess dress."

"More nature-evoking than actual flowers bc [as] someone who has drawn many flowers before, Flowers Very Hard."

"Flowers Hard"

"This is the only video of just it I could find but I just picture this for Dianthe:"

"Me: Why is her forehead so huge and weird? Drawing: Doesn't fucking have eyebrows"

"She is in many pinks because spring goddess"

"Like, I get why everyone's in dark colors. Everyone looks good in black."

"But if I didn't change colors it would look like a Goth Rave."

[shawnpetermuffins]

How's It Feel (CG pt 2 again)

A/n: I'm reuploading this because something when wrong when I did it the first time.

Summary: Shawn's starting to feel how you did for way too long and he's realizing he can't cope with the pain.

Requested: yes, by so many of you for god knows what reason

***

The hole in my chest had only grown since y/n walked out of our apartment. I tried texting her, calling her. I tried everything until eventually my messages didn't go through anymore. My calls went straight to voicemail. All of her stuff was gone when I got back from the studio one day too, and if it was even possible, my heart broke all over again seeing that.

And as if not being with her wasn't already messing with my head, having to tell my family was even worse. Mum was pissed, didn't talk to me for three days, Aaliyah over a week. (I’ll be honest, she probably still wouldn’t be talking to me had I not broke down in front of Mum when I went to go work things out with them.) It was torture not being able to talk to two of the most important women in my life, about the other other single most important girl in my life. One who no longer wanted me.

I knew I fucked up, there was no denying that. But I never intended to hurt her the way I did. I took her love for granted, I know that now, but knowing that just makes it hurt worse.

So I spent almost every night following our no-so mutual breakup at the bar, drinking the strongest liquor I could get my hands on because beer just wasn't going to cut it. If I was going to drown in anything, I'd rather it be in alcohol than in my own self pity. And it worked… until I met her.

---

Jordan's presence slammed into my like a ton of bricks. She was everything that the media thought I should be with. Long, flowy blonde hair. Legs for days. That "natural glow" that very obviously was just a dewy foundation - something y/n never wore because she thought it made her look more oily than dewy. By all means, she is who I wanted. Or more accurately, she is who I wanted to want.

Jordan was probably the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. There's not a doubt in my mind. But she wasn't y/n. She didn't stay the night. She hardly ever called, not unless I had promo events or award shows. So I guess lucky for me, it was award season. But these were the only times I'd see her. Only times I'd talk to her. Not that I didn't want to. I did, and I tried. But my messages would go read and unanswered. She never wanted to hang out with me and my friends, and on the ever-so rare occasion that she did accept my offer, it always ended with a quick fuck and she was out the door. There were no cuddles, there was no snuggling. I didn't get to wake up to make her breakfast like I used to do for y/n before I let things go so wrong.

I wonder if this is what y/n felt when I was out the door before she ever got the chance to open her eyes. I wonder if she felt this every morning for the last eight months of our relationship. That's how long it was, I realized when it was much too late. I blew off plans, and I didn't come home, and I didn't talk to her for eight months. But I still expected her to do things for me. Go to my awards shows even when I know she told me she had things she needed to do for work. I called her unsupportive more times than I can count and I unintentionally, but somehow knowingly let her slip through my fingers.

---

Come over???

Jordan read the text three hours ago and still hasn't bothered to respond. Not that I was expecting her to anymore. Unless I ask her to come to an award show with me, I won't get a response for days.

So I'm here, logged into Brian's Instagram looking through y/n's most recent posts because she blocked me on literally everything, not that I can blame her. She knew me well enough to know that after the way we ended things I would want to check up on her. Even though I didn't do it enough while I had her.

Kinda_yourname

7,421 likes

Kinda_yourname Carnival nights call for impromptu photo shoots

📸: @connorbrashier

Comments have been disabled.

I throw my phone onto the coffee table, suddenly sick to my stomach.

Connor. She still talks to him. They still hang out. I knew they had gotten close on the SM3 tour but I'd never realized that they were still close. It shouldn't bother me - she's, in fact, not mine anymore no matter how much I wish she were - But it does. It bothers me so much. Because who is he to be taking pictures like this of the girl I used to call my own? How is someone I considered a friend going to betray me this way?

I want so badly to throw something, to scream, and punch and kick like a dramatic child who's just been told he can't go play outside with his friends because it's far too hot. Other than the fact that my phone is no longer in my hands, and that my fingers are pressed firmly into the denim encompassing my legs, anyone watching me wouldn't be able to tell that I was in such serious turmoil.

I want to go back to feeling something. Even if it is just contempt for myself and the way I let things get so out of hand. But something inside me won't let it happen. I've become nothing but a hollow shell of what I used to be. I feel nothing. I want for nothing. I do nothing. It’s been hell on my music, too. Selfishly, I thought that being heartbroken would help me write another album, but now I have no inspiration. My muse is gone.

---

I'm sitting in the dining room with my mum who seems to be a little on edge while I'm talking to her. She keeps looking toward the door when she thinks I'm not looking, but I can't bring myself to ask why she's acting so weird. I should have.

"Where's Liyah?" I asked.

"Getting ready. She's going out with a friend."

I nodded, "Who?"

Mum shook her head and dismissed the question with wave of her hand, "You don't know her."

Ouch.

"Now, uh, what's going on?" She clasped her hands together.

I furrowed my brows, but shrugged off the uneasiness radiating through her body language. "I uh… I messed up."

"What do you mean?"

"With y/n."

She sighed, "Shawn. It's been three months."

"Yeah. And I haven't been able to write a song since we broke up."

"I thought you said you were dating that new girl."

"Jordan," I mumbled.

"Yes, her."

"It's complicated." I took in a deep breath, "Every time I try to make an effort, it's never reciprocated. She never texts me back, or calls me. She only ever wants to get together when I tell her I have an award show to go to or like I'm doing press. And I don't get that same feeling that I used to get when y/n would look at me. I don't love her, mum. Hell, I don't even know if I really like her or if I'm forcing myself to because I'm trying to compensate for what I don't have with y/n anymore."

Mum didn't say anything, but the look in her eyes told me everything.

"What?"

"It's nothing."

"It's something. What? What are you thinking?"

"Now, honey you know I love you. And I will support you through anything." She took my hands in hers from across the table. "But it sounds to me like you're getting a taste of your own medicine."

"Excuse me?"

"Don't get upset, Shawn. But that's exactly what you did with y/n. She texted and she called and you only wanted her when you needed someone next to you. You didn't treat her like your girlfriend. Not even a little bit. She was 'arm candy.' And that, it pains me to say, is what you are to this Jordan girl."

I run my hands through my hair, frustrated. "I don't want Jordan anymore. And it's clear she doesn't want me. I have to end things with her."

"If that's what you want, then I support you."

"I want y/n, mum… What do I do?"

"There's nothing you can do... Y/n isn't going to take you back."

"You don't know that," I said desperately, even though I knew she was right."

“Sweetheart, you know I love y/n. We all do. And you also know that I wouldn’t be telling you this if I thought that she would take you back. But Shawn… you hurt her. No, that’s not right. You broke her. That whole last year of your relationship shattered her into a million pieces. She’s trying just as hard as you - if not harder - to pick herself back up after this.”

“She’s hanging out with Connor. Did you know that?”

“And what does that matter? You’re with someone else.”

“It’s Connor! He and I are friends!”

“Shawn -”

"Karen! I hope you don't mind. I used my key, is Aaliyah -"

I stilled at the sound of the voice of  both my dreams and nightmares. A voice I never thought I'd hear again. I slowly turned around and was met with her frighteningly pale skin, she looked like she'd seen a ghost, and I knew I probably looked the same.

"Hi," I said like an idiot after a minute of full on staring at her, taking in every single thing I could.

She didn't say it back, just shook her head and averted her eyes and cleared her throat. "Karen, is Aaliyah ready?"

"I'm ready!" My little sister beamed, entering the now overly tense dining room. “Oh... Hey, Shawn.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked, only to y/n.

“Liyah, you got your stuff?”

She nodded. “Yeah, let’s go.” She crossed the room and pressed a kiss to Mum’s cheek. “I’ll be back later.”

“Is it cool if I take her out to dinner?” y/n asked, still not looking at me. "There were a lot of people at the mall when I passed by, we might be longer than expected.

“What the hell is going on?” I exclaimed, and I knew eyes were on me now, but not the eyes I so desperately wanted to be on me. "Did you know she was coming over?" I asked my mom.

She didn't answer me and that was response enough. “That’s fine, honey. But come back for dessert, okay? Manny and I were thinking sundaes with all the fixings.”

“You know the way to my heart, Karen. We’ll be back by eight.”

Aaliyah was now standing next to my ex-girlfriend once again and my heart ached watching them. They started walking toward the door, and I was going to leave it alone. Let them walk out the house without a problem, but my body reacted before my mind could catch up. “Y/n, wait.” When she didn’t turn around, I took her wrist. “Baby, please. Can we talk?”

“Let go of me, Shawn,” her voice was barely above a whisper.

“Not until you look at me,” I said, desperation lacing between every word.

She sighed and fished her keys out of her pocket, “Hon, can you wait in the car? I’ll be right there.”

My sister nodded and walked out of the house without so much as a glance my way. And when the door shut behind her, those y/e/c eye finally met mine, breaking me even more because they didn’t hold that light they used to.

"What, Shawn? What could you possibly want?"

I open and close my mouth like a fish gasping for water.

"Well?" She arches an eyebrow at me, making me feel small beneath that stare that I desperately wanted just minutes ago, but now I wish she would look away. Because seeing that hurt and hatred behind her eyes is killing me. "What do you want?" She asked again.

And I broke. "You. Always fucking you!"

She scoffed, "No you don't!" She exclaimed. "You don't want me, you're lonely! I'm not your pet, Shawn! I'm not gonna come at your beck and call. I'm a human being. A human being with real feelings. A human being still trying to fix what you broke," her finger jabbed into my chest. "You don't get to say that you miss me after the way you treated me."

"I know, but-"

"Do you seriously think you can defend yourself here?" Y/n crosses her arms over her chest and it only makes me more upset.

"What makes you think you have any right to defend yourself?"

"Excuse me?!"

"Yeah, you're out there fucking around with one of my close friends, right? What? Are you gonna say he's just a friend? That he's just looking out for your well-being? Because that's definitely not the case."

"WHO?! Which of your 'close friends' am I supposedly fucking around with?"

Hearing her curse that way reminds me that we're in my parent's house and I suddenly feel really bad for causing this scene in front of my mum, but we're already too far gone.

"Oh, don't play dumb!"

"Enlighten me." She won't budge from her spot, but I've paced so much and so quickly that I was starting to leave a path in the carpet.

"With Connor. I saw you were together on your instagram."

"How could you even see that if I blocked you?"

"Are you gonna deny it?"

"Am I not allowed to have friends, Shawn? Because last I checked, you weren't my boyfriend, and you sure as hell weren't my 'keeper.' You don't have any right to tell me who I can and can't hang out with. So what if I'm hanging out with him? We got close on tour." She said with a shrug, "not that it's any of your business, but we are just friends"

“I haven’t written since you left,” I said lowly, suddenly much too tired to continue this screaming match that literally just started. “And I’ve been seeing this girl,” I said and tried to find some type of emotion behind her eyes, but there was nothing.

"Then why the hell should it matter if I'm with Connor? Even as friends?"

I couldn’t answer her yet, so I continued, “She never wants to hang out. She’s only there for awards and stuff. It kind of sucks actually.”

She scoffed, “That’s funny. Because that seemed to be exactly what you were wanting while we were together.”

“That’s not what I wanted, y/n. I just lost sight of what we had, my feelings got confused, and they shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean to hurt you that way.”

“But you did! And now you’re complaining for what? Because she’s not waiting around for you like I was?”

“Honey-”

“No! You don’t get to call me that anymore! You have no right!”

“Okay,” I hold my hands up in defense. “I’m sorry. I just, I don’t know what to say to make this better. I didn’t realize that you felt this way until it happened to me. And it’s the worst feeling. I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough.” I sigh, “and I’m miserable without you,” I confessed.

"I'm sorry to hear that. But that's not my fault. You made the decisions that you did and you lost me in the process. That was all you."

"I want to go back. Forget that it's over."

"But you can't," she said, finally uncrossing her arms.

"But if we could?"

She shook her head, "even if we could. I'm not willing to forget."

"Will we ever be okay again? Be the way we used to be? Before we started dating."

She sighed and her gaze dropped once again. "As far as I'm concerned," she started. "You and I were strangers before we got together… and we're strangers once again." With a heavy sigh and a quick run of her fingers through her hair, she turned her attention back to the door that my sister walked out of just minutes ago. "I have to go. Your sister's waiting."

Don't go, I think to myself. Let me fix this. Let me try. But of course I don't say this. I watch her fingers curl around knob and my own fingers twitch, just aching to reach for her. But then the door closes with a soft click behind her and I find myself leaning against that same hard wood, tears blurring my vision.

I slide to the floor, my head in my hands, shoulders shaking with my uncontrolled sobs.

I never thought I'd feel this heartbreak. It's even worse the second time, somehow. Maybe because I know now that this is it for us.

Because I was always the master of words, and her of action. But in this moment, there are no words to save me, nor weapons to save her.

We are caught, defenseless, on seperate sides of the door.