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nerdygaymormon · 6 years ago

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Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1) I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2) I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3) I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4) I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5) BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6) The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7) After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8) In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9) Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10) The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11) I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12) I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13) Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14) In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me.

15) To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16) A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17) Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18) In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19) Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20) My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21) Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22) I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23) It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24) I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25) I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.

#David gets personal

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lilac-milk-moon · 5 years ago

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How to Avoid Financial Failure to Launch

Note from Mr. SR: Recently, one of the top media complaints about people in their 20s and 30s is that they’re not moving out on their own. A USA Today article shares that “for the first time in 130 years, young adults ages 18 to 34 are more likely to be living at home with their parents than with a romantic partner.”

I don’t have kids yet, but I’m excited to share this post written by my friend Brian from Debt Discipline.

Whether you are the parent of a young adult or you yourself are are trying to launch, this article will share some practical tips — for both your finances and your relationship with your parents.

Have you heard the phrase “failure to launch” before? I’m sure you have, there was a $100 million-grossing movie, starring Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker of the same name. If you are a parent, you might be thinking about how it relates to your kids.

No parent wants their child to experience the failure to launch and end up living in their basement until they’re thirty-five. Failure to Launch is a common way to describe a young adult who is struggling with the transition to adulthood. It’s often defined as an inability to leave home and support oneself.

One of the common reasons a young adult fails to launch is because of money. Lack of it or not knowing how to manage it. Many parents want to soften their child’s entry into the real world, but at what cost? Do they work more, delay retirement, skimp on savings?

Parents want the best for their kids, but not by sacrificing their own futures. The phenomenon of failure to launch is so rampant that several treatment programs have been developed to help address it. I’m not sure if a costly program is needed unless you are genuinely dealing with a medical condition.

Let’s breakdown some of the ways you can prevent the failure to launch syndrome from occurring.

Techniques to overcome failure to launch

Finding passion

It mind sound a bit cliche, but young adults need passion in their lives. In fact, we all need a bit of it. Passion combats failure to launch by letting us be participants rather than observers. Passion comes in all shapes and sizes and doesn’t necessarily need to be your job. You may find passion in helping others, cooking, music, art, a particular career field, sports, chocolate, video games, movies, etc. The list is almost endless.

The key is to harness that passion and let it help drive and motivate you. As parents, we can be supportive of a child’s passion. We need to reinforce the idea that life is not about “likes” on a social media platform, but about real, meaningful connections to people and activities.

If all else fails in discovering your passion, you might want to try the opposite, by listing all the things you hate doing. By systemically eliminating these things from your life, you will be left with only the things you enjoy doing. This is an excellent exercise for someone struggling to find their passion.

Financial literacy

Let’s face it. We use money in all of our lives. But only 1/3 of states require their students to graduate having taken a personal finance class. Formal education is just one way we increase our knowledge. A lot is learned from family and friends too.

Failure to launch into what has recently been coined “emerging adulthood” has a lot to do with money. Children learn by example, so it essential to be a good one and involve them in money discussions. Money shouldn’t be a taboo topic. If you’re bad with money, how do you think your children are going to handle it?

Sure there are exceptions, but most will fail too. Financial literacy needs to start with you. There are plenty of books, blogs, and podcast to help you increase your financial IQ if you need help. In turn, you can better prepare your kids. Involve them in age-appropriate topics. If you ever want a captive audience, talk to them about smartphones. They are always interested in getting the latest and greatest model.

Teach them about costs

You can explain the cost of a new device, your choices for paying for it (in full or payment plan), the reoccurring charges each month, and how many hours someone would have to work to covers these costs you’ve just successfully navigated a money conversation with your child.

Taking a money discussion further, does your child know how much you make? What your rent or mortgage costs? Discussing these real-life examples helps them better understand money and what things cost and how to pay for them.

As a teenager, with a part-time job and driving a car are two great opportunities for preparing them for their financial futures, and avoiding failure to launch. Review their paycheck and taxes. Give them the challenge to save, spend, and give a portion of their income. A car is another teachable money moment. The overall cost to own, maintain, insurance, and gas it to keep it running.

These examples are all thing adults handle regularly, but as pre-adults, we probably don’t care about them at all. That was one of the benefits of being a kid, no adult responsibilities. But if these details are always hidden and never discussed, how would we ever be able to handle them when presented?

Avoiding debt

Debt is a four letter word for a reason. Starting your financial life with debt is an apparent reason why emerging adults fail to launch into financial adulthood. Debt causes stress. Debt causes fear. It causes fights. Being in debt limits your options.

Would any of us want to have these restrictions in our lives? Now consider your young adult trying to balance these with a new job and social life it could be overwhelming. It’s essential to stay within your means while supporting your young adult. You do not want wat to sacrifice your financial future or lifestyle by taking on debt for someone else, even your children.

One of the biggest drivers of debt for young adults is student loans. As of 2018, 69% of college students took out student loans, and they graduated with an average debt of $29,800. Ouch! That’s a significant number looming over anyone head.

A college degree doesn’t have to be a debt death sentence. A degree can be obtained with little or no debt if you get creative.

A Side Note: Some of you reading this may already be deep into debt. There are resources available to help. You must be careful of debt consolidation services and the like. You need to know what you’re getting into; and that it will benefit you, not the company allegedly trying to help.

College without debt

Here are five ways to get through school without student loans (or minimal debt):

1. Make the most out of high school

High school offers several ways to get a head start on your college degree. Advanced Placement (AP) are college-level classes you can take in high school and earn future college credit for completing. Most colleges will accept these classes and credits if you score a three or above on AP final exam. This is an excellent way to earn college credit in high school at the cost of an AP exam.

High Schools often offer college-level classes through a partnership with a community college or a local University. These classes allow high school students to earn college credits at a reduced rate. CLEP (the College-Level Examination Program) is another way for students to earn college credits inexpensively. CLEP offers 33 exams that cover intro-level college course material. With a passing score on one CLEP exam, you could earn three or more college credits.

2. Understand the ROI of your degree

What’s the income and job opportunity in your field when you graduate. Don’t borrow $160K for a degree that has the income earning power of $40k per year. You don’t have to kill your dream, and can still follow your passion but find colleges that are cheap to attend.

3. Stay local

Community college is an affordable option and a springboard to larger universities. Attending a community college for the first two years of college life save a ton of money. Many community colleges act as feeder schools for four-year universities.

4. Work

You are going to need to work during college to avoid debt later. A part-time job during the semester help keep sending money in your pocket. A full-time summer job allows you to save for expenses like books and materials. Check with your employer to see if they offer student loan assistance too, many do.

5. Become a resident assistant (RA)

Becoming an RA has its benefits when living on campus. Many colleges offer free room and board if you become an RA. Your responsibilities as an RA will vary, but often an RA helps enforce the rules and policies of residence life, housing and dining services, and the university. Taking on these responsibilities can save you thousands of dollars a semester.

Now student loan debt is only one form of debt someone may encounter. Car loans and credit cards are typical debts too. The idea is the same with those debts. You want to minimize and avoid altogether if possible. Just follow the general rule of living within your means and using cash.

Tough love

If all of your parenting and coaching fails to help your young adult launch, more drastic measures may be needed to push them toward independence. Tough love is often the category this type of parenting falls into. Tough love’s end game is ultimately the person’s welfare. If a child is unable to launch, you may need to enforce stricter boundaries. If they fail to take responsibility for their actions, a clear consequence must occur.

It’s painful to watch someone you care for fail and have to face the consequences, but sometimes it the jolt of reality they need. Enforcing a curfew, deadlines, schedule, etc. may be the structure they need to be successful. You do not want to continue to enable someone who is facing a failure to launch.

Pitching in

Although we want our children to move out, live on their own, and be successful, there could be some benefit for their extended stay at home. Set clear expectations, like pitching in with house chores, including cleaning and cooking. This work helps build some skills they will need on their own.

Consider charging them rent. It’s another one of those items they will need to handle on their own someday. It’s money that you can choose to save for them, so they have a cushion when they finally launch. It could be about spending some extra quality time with your child. Having them living at home gives you the undivided opportunity of their time. Once they are out of the house, they may not always be available. This time might help you develop a deeper relationship.

Have an exit strategy

In any of these steps of overcoming a failure to launch, you need to have clear communication with your child. They need to understand how long or how much support you are will to give. Setting these clear expectations helps them plan for their exit. It doesn’t mean that once they move on that emotional or moral support will stop. You might stay on as their financial accountability partner to help guide them with their money. You may offer resources like books or articles they could read to increase their knowledge on a particular topic.

The key is to have them understand that even though your monetary support has ended, you are always available for a talk or questions. This might be the safety net they need to launch successfully. As parents, we should fulfill our parental responsibility. We need to teach our kids to function independently and raise a person who contributes to society. It doesn’t mean we need to support them financially forever.

Final Word

We all want to live a balanced life. As a parent, we often experience peaks and valleys in our own life. Many factors can contribute to what can feel like a roller coaster ride: things like our work, health, loss, and stress are just a few. As our children grow and experience these things for themselves, we need to help guide them, and let our own experiences act as an example. They will experience speed bumps along the way, and it’s our job to help smooth them out, but eventually, they need to navigate on their own.

This post was written by Brian from Debt Discipline. It originally appeared on The Money Mix and is re-published here with permission.

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