#i love how he's also getting hurt around killian lmao

[avastyetwats]

@pyramultimuse Killian: "It's alright Stede, I still cut myself by mistake with my hook from time to time even though it's been a part of me for years. Nothing to be ashamed of."

"I think it's possible for anyone to cut themselves on their sword! Suppose it's a also a good way to ensure your weapon hasn't dulled. So, as we can see," he holds up his bleeding finger. "I've kept mine well taken care of!" Of course the real reason being he just hasn't used it much. Both by choice and there being no real need to. He hadn't been in many fights and used to he considered that a fortunate thing, but, especially lately, he did quite enjoy the adrenaline that being in a duel or battle gave him. Especially when gaining the upper hand or winning. "Have you used your hook more than your sword?" He asks, quite curious.

[firelxdykatara]

hello!! i just wanted to ask- i wanna do an ouat rewatch bc CAPTAIN SWANN but its pretty long and i honestly dont care for the other characters/how badly the overall writing was handled.. which are your favourite captain swan eps? anything them centered and i think ill just skip around to rewatch their romance as they did invent romance 😭😭 ty in advance <3

they absolutely did invent romance, you are right about that and i love them so much

UHMMMM as far as my favorite CS eps, here’s a roadmap of what I personally consider key eps in their journey (some of this is from memory but I haven’t done a full rewatch in a while so i’m going through the episode list as a refresher)

2x06: Tallahassee--this is a must-watch ep for any CS fan, and I really think this is the episode that sparked the fire that CS would become as a fandom. It has everything--flirtatious banter, all kinds of tension, deliberate parallels drawn between Emma and Killian’s pasts, as well as their first meeting being intercut with her relationship with Neal (which serves, especially in hindsight, to highlight just how sketchy that relationship was, and why she couldn’t bring herself to trust Killian--because the last time she felt this way about anyone, it ended horribly)

2x08 and 2x09: Into the Deep and Queen of Hearts--these episodes cover the race to the portal between Emma&co and Hook/Cora and while they don’t do a ton for CS as a relationship since they’re still enemies at this point, it lays great foundation for their future relationship development. Plus, sexy swordfight, Hook going out of his way to save Aurora’s heart--he may be a pirate, but he has standards ok--and Emma realizing Cora can’t remove her heart without her permission? Poetic Cinema

2x11: The Outsider--more of a Killian-centric episode, it shows a lot of Killian at his worst but it’s necessary for his overall character arc and I genuinely love looking back and seeing just how far he managed to come, to the point of eventually even letting go of his (very understandable) grudge against Rumplestiltskin.

2x12: In the Name of the Brother--am I including this purely for Emma&Hook banter in the hospital, and Killian saying ‘hey beautiful’ when he’s lying on the road because he just got hit by a fucking car? You bet I am. Also, go to youtube and look up ‘ouat season two deleted scene jello’, because it’s beautiful and there was a tremendous outcry in the fandom when we realized it had been cut from the episode lmao (It’s also the episode that made me start shipping Frankenwolf, which I’m still sad never went anywhere, but they had a lot of potential and great chemistry.)

2x22: And Straight On Till Morning--A few of the episodes in between have some fun minor interactions and flashbacks (and I always approve of episodes where Killian gets one up on Rumple, so 2x15 is fun for me if i ignore all the Neal bits) but the finale is where we finally get a glimpse of who Killian could be beyond his need for revenge. He didn’t have to come back, he didn’t have to bring back the bean and help the town--but he did.

Season 3a: there’s a lot of really good stuff here for Hook and Emma that is interwoven between the A plots of other episodes. I think, as far as half-season arcs go, it’s one of the best (and everything after 4a bombed hard, but I digress) But there are a few episodes that stand out if you don’t want to watch the whole season. (I recommend starting with the premier though, it was a really solid season starter overall.)

3x05: Good Form--this is the culmination of David’s poisoned-by-dreamshade arc, and is also Peak Captain Charming Bromance. Hook not only keeping David’s secret, but doing everything he can to help save him??? Poetic cinema. It also provides some crucial Killian backstory, showing how he lost his brother to the very same dreamshade. Plus, the character development--Pan offers Killian a chance to escape the island with Emma if he kills David, and instead, he saves him, refusing the deal and damn the consequences. Also also? The first CS kiss which drove the fandom WILD.

3X06: Ariel--not only to I love OUaT’s take on Ariel, but this episode has the infamous Echo Cave scene, which involves a lot of feelsy confessions and Killian being the one to tell everyone that Neal is alive and helping Emma save him despite his own growing feelings for her.....IT’S JUST A LOT AND I LOVE IT.

3x07: Dark Hallow--oh man, I’d forgotten about this episode, but it has Killian and Neal fighting over Emma, which may sound eye-roll worthy, but Emma is allowed to tear them a new one about it and it’s one of the few times she’s allowed to actually???? put her own feelings first so I have to include it here on spec

3x11 and 3x12: Going Home and New York City Serenade--these mark the end of 3a and start of 3b respectively, and it has some amazing shit like Killian vowing never to forget Emma and Emma smiling as she replies, “Good.” And then she and Henry are in New York with their memories completely altered, but Killian shows up because Storybrooke is back and in jeopardy, and he helps Emma get back to her family and her home and, much later, Emma finds out he sold the Jolly Roger to be able to do it and it’s just. It’s beautiful ok.

3x17: The Jolly Roger--there’s honestly not a whole lot in the back half of season 3 (until the CS movie) but of course anything named for Hook is a must-watch, and this is where we get the iconic line I swear on Emma Swan--which is Killian saying he’s in love with her before he even realizes it. We also find out just what he did to Ariel, and his attempts to make amends are what lead to Zelena being able to curse him, so it’s great from a character perspective as well.

The next four episodes round out the end of the season, and there’s a lot of great stuff in them--Hook refusing to get Emma to kiss him, but Emma feeling like she can’t trust him because he didn’t tell her about the curse to begin with, and then kissing him anyway to save his life regardless of the consequences.... but the only ones that are absolutely necessary are the final two episodes.

They are colloquially termed ‘The Captain Swan Movie’ for a reason, after all.

Killian and Emma essentially have an entire Time Travel adventure all to themselves, where they accidentally ruin her parents first meeting and have to fix it so that she’ll even be born, Emma finally getting into the storybook, the pair of them dancing at a ball, Killian rushing to save Emma only for her to get out of the cell herself, because “The only one who saves me is me.” Killian saying “I would go to the ends of the world for her... or time.” Finally fixing the timeline and making it back to Storybrooke and Killian feeling like he doesn’t deserve a place at the table so he doesn’t go inside, but Emma comes out to him anyway and finds out he gave up the Jolly Roger for her, the true start to their relationship...... IM CRYING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT I’M SORRY.

I personally really enjoyed 4a, the Frozen arc was one of the last good half-season arcs of the show, but a lot of people disliked it so it’s really up to interpretation. I don’t have as many Intense Opinions on this season (except hating almost everything about 4b and the queens of darkness arc), but I will say the episodes with good Killian/CS moments are 4x02 (Emma nearly freezes to death, Killian is desperate to save her, Captain Charming teamwork, my heart hurts), 4x04 (Emma asks Killian out on a real date, he tries to get his real hand back from Gold, things go massively awry and he winds up back under Gold’s thumb), 4x08 (Killian tries to save Emma from Gold’s plans), 4x11 (the 4a finale is just great in general), and then..... it cannot be overstated how much I hate season 4b, but 4x15 is the Killian-centric ep where his past with Ursula is revealed and he makes amends to her in order to get her to leave the QoD alliance and it’s great character stuff for him, and then there’s the season 4 finale.

Both parts are worth watching, if only because Deckhand Coward Hook still being a braver, more heroic man than ‘Hero Rumplestiltskin’ warms the very cockles of my heart, and of course the second part of the finale has him helping Henry to save Emma and it’s beautiful and also Emma watches him die for her and it is angsty as FUCK but gods I love it. Here’s where it gets tricky, though--my recommendation is, turn the episode off right after Emma finds Killian back in the present day of Storybrooke and they reunite.

Just turn off the episode there and skip right ahead to the s6 musical episode (Emma and Killian’s wedding ep) and pretend they got married and none of seasons 5 or 6 ever happened. >.> (Although I will say certain parts of the Underworld arc were incredibly feelsy despite how much I overall hated the season: 5x11 (the 5a finale, Killian as the dark one STILL being a better man than rumple, we love to see it), 5x15 (I am not immune to Brothers Jones feelings ok), 5x20 (emma literally takes a True Love Test trying to find a way to save killian, you don’t get more romantic than that--also Killian telling Emma to promise she won’t put her armor back up just because she lost him again??? my HEART), 5x21 (Hook does what he can from the Underworld anyway and zeus sends him back to Emma, they really just said ‘today I will invent romance’ and then Did That)

And then, yeah, just skip to the wedding. It’s beautiful, I enjoyed the music, personally, though I know musical episodes are hit or miss with most people. And if you turn it off when the last musical number starts (after the wedding ceremony, I believe) you can pretend it was the end of the show! =DDD

.....Oh my god I just rambled for years. I HOPE YOU FIND THIS USEFUL, ANON. I 100% support a CS-centered rewatch, their episodes were consistently some of the best across the entire series, and they are truly one of my favorite romances of all time.

[ratwrites]

My Girl :REQUEST:

Masterlist.

Requests.

Requested by: @babycasiplier

Request: Hey love, idk if you're taking in any requests but can you do something with Killian, where him and the reader are together at like a tavern and some guy starts flirting with the reader and starts to get touchy with her and killian just snaps and gets all protective and possessive over the reader? Maybe add some fluff in there too? Please and thank you! Ps I absolutely love your writing, its sooo good!

Warnings: Implied Smut at times, angst, fluff

Pairing: Killian Jones X Reader

Word Count: 6,013

A/N: Hi. I'd just like to say that I got this request and started writing it instantly lmao. I had a little too much fun writing this and I actually like how it turned out. Idk if this is exactly what you were looking for but I couldn't help myself ;-; Thank you for requesting!!

The thought of nearing an unknown land soon made your heart quicken its pace. Sailing had always been a treat, but seeing the destination was always much better to you. Even though you'd been sailing for years you always found the land more interesting than the sea. You sat up in the crow's nest your eyes scanning the blue horizon for any form of land. Your heart dropped slightly when you couldn't see anything. "(F/N)!" Your attention turned down to the deck. Without hesitation you carefully made your way out of the nest and back down onto the deck.

"Yes Smee?" You questioned, coming to stand in front of the first mate.

"The Captain wants to see you," Smee instructed.

"Couldn't call for me himself?" You chuckled, pushing past Smee. You glanced at the helm and quickly made note that he was below deck. With that you headed down finding yourself in the Captain's quarters. His back was toward you as he gazed out of the large window and to the sea. His hand and hook her held nearly behind his back.

"You wanted to see me Hook?" you called, catching his attention. He turned his head partly giving you a side eye.

"Yes. Come stand with me," he ordered, calmly. You did as you were told and came to stand on his left side. You gazed out of the window with him. The ocean sparkled in the sunlight actually hurting your eyes. You looked down and away from the window.

"As you know we will be docking soon," he began, breaking the silence that had formed over the room. You nodded dragging your gaze up and to him. He still wasn't looking at you.

"You will stay with the crew tonight," he finished. Your heart dropped further.

"What?" You gasped, turning to face him with your entire body. When you docked you normally went out and explored. Killian didn't really mind what you did as long as you kept strange men off of his ship. Yes, like him, you enjoyed the company of strangers, but recently that had changed. For a few months you'd been trying to catch Killian's eyes. So far you'd failed.

"This village is- well it's-" he paused, trying to think of the proper phrase.

"Women shouldn't be left unattended," he explained, hesitantly. You frowned drawing your brows together. Killian knew very well that you could handle your own.

"And what makes this town different from any of the others? I can handle myself Killian," you protested, crossing your arms across your chest.

He finally looked at you once more. You could see the annoyance flashing through his eyes. "You are staying with the crew," he repeated, turning to face you as well.

"I am not some feeble woman Killian, I don't need protection!" You continued.

"(F/N)!" He snapped, grabbing hold of your arm. The contact set your skin ablaze.

"This isn't about you being weak. Gods knows you can handle yourself, but for once in your bloody life do as your told," he growled.

"I need to know that you are safe," he added, barely above a whisper. You swore you heard him wrong as he released your arm. You took a step back from Killian as he turned away again.

"Fine, I'll hang around, but you better make it worth my while," you challenged. His head turned partly back to you a side smile crossing his face. He turned to face you again and approached you.

"Oh I will," he purred, his breath fanning over your face. You held your composure even though everything in you was melting. He stepped back and left without another word. You exhaled sharply not realizing that you had been holding your breath. Your excitement for land had returned at Killian's words. You cleared your head as best as you could before returning to the deck.

...

The crew hollered happily as the boat docked into the village. "Let's hit the tavern boys!" Killian called, coming down from the helm. More cheers roared from them as they all began to make their way off of the Jolly Roger. You went with them unboarding with Killian directly behind you. You paused on the dock taking in your new surroundings. This port was actually quite busy for the size of the village. You assumed it was bigger than it looked.

Killian's hook came around the bend of your arm as he drug you forward. You grunted catching up with him. You removed his hook from your arm. "I can walk you know," you huffed."That's the problem," Killian responded, lowly. You rolled your eyes and stayed close to him. The further you walked into the village the more you realized how scarce it was to see a woman out and about. The few women you saw were all accompanied by a man and each one of them seemed terrified when you looked at them. This peaked your curiosity, but also confused you.

"What is up with this place?" you whispered, leaning into Killian as you walked.

"Hush love. Leave any and all talking to me," he replied, sharply. You frowned again giving yourself some distance from Killian. You had no intentions in sticking by him the whole night you never did and neither did he. He always had a woman at his side while you found whatever you could. You put a little more distance between yourself and Killian. Your gaze ran over a young girl maybe fourteen carrying a basket far too large for her. Before you knew it she fell sending all of the items in her basket sprawling out across the ground. You didn't think, you moved.

You rushed to the girls aid falling to your knees and helping her scoop up her escaped items. "Here," you said, kindly placing them back into her basket. Her eyes were wide with fear. You raised a brow and continued to help her.

"Are you alright?" you asked, picking the basket up for her. You carefully handed it off to her. She nodded not saying a word.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing to my daughter you harlot!" A rough hand suddenly grabbed you and spun you around. You own hand swiftly came to rest on the hilt of your sword. You pulled free of the hand.

"I was simply helping her, do you have a problem with that?" You asked, hotly.

"Watch your tongue girl or I will have it removed from your head!" The man snapped. He advanced swiftly on you, but didn't make it. Killian was in front of you in moments and his crew was standing to the side.

"Easy mate," Killian warned, holding his hand and hook up slightly in surrender.

"Is that your harlot?" The man snarled.

"Aye so be careful how you treat her," Killian answered. Anger boiled in you at the term harlot.

"Learn to control your bitch or she will be controlled for you," the man growled. You moved forward and readied to draw your sword but Killian stayed your hand and body. With one motion he turned you and pushed you away from the man following after you. This time his hand rested on the center of your back.

"I told you (F/N), stay with me and don't speak to anyone," he growled. You shook his hand off.

"She fell Killian, what was I supposed to do just leave her there?" You snapped.

"Yes," Killian responded. You went quite anger still boiling in your blood. You were beginning to wish you were still at sea.

...

The tavern was in view. You couldn't wait to down a few pints of rum. You needed the buzz in your system right now. The doors of the tavern swung open as a large group of heavily intoxicated men exited. You and the crew slipped past them and entered the busy tavern. You'd been in some loud places, but this was insane. There wasn't a woman in sight besides the barmaids who were poorly dressed and miserable. The room was full of drunk men brawling and laughing. You stayed close to Killian seeing the sudden need to keep your head down.

You normally weren't shy, but the atmosphere made you nervous. You sat down by Smee as everyone placed themselves at the only empty table they could find. Well, mostly empty. Three women approached the table all of them young and beautiful. They passed out drinks to each of the men leaving you empty handed.

"A drink for the lady please," Killian called, stopping one of the women. She seemed petrified that he'd even suggested such a thing. The young girl hesitantly handed you a drink. You nodded your head and took a gulp of the rum enjoying the pleasant burn it sent down your throat.

"Cheers!" Smee chirped. The men agreed clanking their cups together before taking drinks of their own. You took another drink eyeing some of the men in the tavern. A very large percentage of them were hideous and very drunk. You sighed and rolled the bottom of your cup along the table.

"Anyone for dice?" One of the crew suggested, setting down a small container holding two dice.

"We aren't drunk enough for that! We've barely begun!" Another chimed. Laughter rang out causing the tavern to be even louder. You enjoyed a good few rounds of dice once you could barely stand. You downed the last of your drink and waved down one of the women who brought you another.

"Thirsty love?" Killian teased, finishing his own and doing the same.

"Gotta drown the anger somehow," you replied, honestly. You took another drink. Since you joined the crew you'd learned how to hold your liquor well. You always regretted it in the morning but it took a lot to get you drunk. Unlike some of the men who only needed two of three pints of rum you could hold a decent amount before you and Killian were competing on who was more drunk.

Your eyes landed on a particular man who was hidden away in a corner. He seemed to he alone, but he was clearly eyeing you. You had to admit he was a fairly attractive man from what you could see, but you never trusted the ones who sat alone; you also had one goal for tonight. You had yours sights still set on your captain. He'd told you he'd make this night worth your while and you intended to hold him to that.

...

You'd downed multiple drinks finally noticing the buzz you wanted. You weren't drunk per say, just a little light headed. That was fairly normal for you. You'd held back on drinks once the dice came out. A few rounds had been played and you'd robbed each crew member of at least a few silver coins each. You didn't exactly play fair, but neither did any of them. The laughter that spread from your table had drawn the attention of some of the other occupants. Before you knew it a few strangers had joined your game. To your own surprise no women had joined your party. They normally flung themselves at Killian as soon as he had at least three drinks in his system, but not tonight. The women were afraid each one huddling away until they were called upon. You'd seen one get dragged out by a man and you quickly assumed it wasn't for good reasons. She'd returned later with tear stains down her cheeks. That set you off and caused you to down another.

You scooped up your winnings as the currently round ended sticking your tongue out playfully at Killian who had lost six gold coins to your unfair dice hand. His eyes narrowed challengingly at you and you laughed. You noticed the eyes of the strange men burning through you. It obviously wasn't a good thing that you'd robbed them of their money as well. You tossed your hair back dramatically and the crew laughed at the sulk that crossed Killian's face.

"What's wrong Captain? Losing to a girl?" You teased, running your boot across his lower leg. His body responded slightly as he shifted his legs bringing them closer to yours under the cramped table. You knew exactly what you were doing.

"You are just having a stroke of luck love, don't get too cocky," he responded, trapping your boot between his knees as you moved it up. You giggled and pulled your foot free.

"Another round?" Smee slurred, holding the dice in his hand.

"Definitely," Killian said, his eyes on you. Everyone placed their bets in the center of the table. Smee started the round challenging one of the strange men. Smee rolled a four which wasn't exactly the best.

The man rolled getting a ten. With cheers from the strangers he collected Smee's bet pocketing it. The stranger then challenged you. He rolled the dice landed on eight. You mentally cursed yourself. Normally if the opponent got a high number to start you could kiss your bet goodbye. You took the dice not missing the stroke of his fingers across your hand. His skin made you cringe slightly. You looked at Killian and rolled. "Twelve!" you cheered. The crew hollered as well as the man growled practically tossing his coins at you. You ignored the hostility and gathered your wins tucking them safely into the satchel on your belt.

"Alright Captain, let's see what you've got," you purred, readying yourself to roll. You rolled waiting impatiently for the dice to stop.

"Six!" Smee called, as the dice stopped. Killian took the dice his eyes locked on you. He went to roll. You played your game and raised your boot suddenly pressing it between his parted legs and against his inner thigh. His body jerked causing his roll to falter. You only smiled slyly as it landed on four.

"I'll be taking that," you purred, scooping your wins. As you did so your foot moved a little higher daring to brush him through his leather pants. Once you gold was safely stashed you removed your foot entirely just as his hips shifted forward to try and meet you. You held a smug smile on your lips as you noticed the strain in his eyes. You knew exactly what you were doing. Some of the crew giggled amongst themselves and you could tell they knew exactly what you did.

"I'm done," one of the strangers grumbled, standing abruptly and stumbling away.

"What a child," you scoffed, challenging another man. You rolled and sadly lost your bet which meant you were out of the game. Once you lost your bet you were done for that round. You stood as well and stretched. 

"Where are you off to?" Killian asked, his foot touching yours.

"I'm off for a drink, I'll be back," you explained. He frowned.

"Relax Hook, I'll be right over there," you chuckled, pointing to the tavern's counter. You left the table and headed to the counter taking a seat. You noticed that the women were gone leaving no service. A man slipped behind the counter giving you a strange look.

"What can I do for you?" He questioned, his tone dry.

"A pint of rum please," you answered. He didn't move.

"Tonight preferably," you huffed. He scowled before hurrying off to get your drink. Another stranger dropped down in the seat next to you.

"Don't women have a curfew for when their pretty little heads go back home?" He rasped. A curfew? Seriously? You rolled your eyes.

"I'm not from around here," you answered, blandly not bothering to look at who ever was speaking to you.

"You should address me when I speak to you," he growled. You lazily turned your head toward the man.

"Again mate, not from around here," you huffed. You turned your attention back to the counter as the bartender set down your pint. You took it and drank quietly.

"What a tough girl," the man cooed, scooting a little closer. You drank again.

"Such a pretty little face being wasted," he added, scooting even closer. You grew uncomfortable and scooted away.

"Come now darling. If you're going to break our laws you might as well give us something in return." The tone of his voice almost made you sick.

"Why don't you back off mate. I am not interested," you warned, taking another drink.

"Oh you'll be interested dear. If you aren't then I can have you arrested," he purred. You yelped as his clammy hand slid around your waist squeezing your side. You reacted quick and slid off of the chair and out of his grasp. You skillfully took your drink with you taking another sip.

"Don't walk away from me whore!" He snarled. Before you could react he latched onto you forcefully removing your drink from your hands. He was twice your size which made it difficult to get rid of him. He sat you back down trapping you with your back against the counter. You hissed slamming your fist against his stumbled cheek. He withdrew for a moment but recovered in time to catch you pinning you back in place. He forced his body between your legs keeping you there. You tried to hit him again, but he swiftly grabbed your hands and pinned them with one of his own.

"Get off of me you shark!" You snarled. His free hand slid down your body caressing your side and resting on your inner thigh. He tried to kiss you, but you headbutted him sending him backwards. Your own head stung from the blow. You stood up and fixed your clothes before heading back to the table. Before you reached the table he grabbed you again pulling you flush against his hard body.

"Hey mate! You've had your fun now let her go," Killian's voice echoed, threateningly behind you.

...

Killian had been in torment since they stepped off of the ship. Every part of him wanted to pull her back into his quarters and have his way with her... After admitting how he truly felt. He attached his hook around the bend of her arm not wanting her to wander. He'd been here a few times and he knew the strict rules with women. He couldn't risk losing her, but he knew he couldn't leave her on the ship either. His original plan had been to pass by this village, but the ship was running low on supplies and the next villages was two weeks away. He understood that they couldn't hold on for two weeks. She pulled out of his grasp drawing his gaze to her. "I can walk you know," she protested.

"That's the problem," Killian responded. He knew her all too well. If he took his eyes off of her for one minute she'd be gone. He walked briskly next to her keeping his stature strong and as threatening as possible. He didn't miss the eyes that wandered in her direction, but quickly diverted once they realized he was looking at them.

"What is up with this place?" She whispered, leaning against him.

"Hush love. Leave any and all talking to me," he answered. That wasn't going to happen. Killian kept walking his attention getting distracted by some of his crew. He joined in on their conversation answering some of their questions about the village.

"Where are all the girls?" One whined, looking around.

"Women aren't valued here like they are in other villages. I'd keep your eyes, hands, and thoughts to yourselves lads," Killian suggested.

"What the hell are you doing to my daughter you harlot!" Killian's heart dropped. He did exactly what he told himself he wasn't going to do; take his eyes off of her. He halted and turned back. He took off searching for her and easily finding her.

"Watch your tongue girl or I will have it removed from your head!" a man yelled, at her. Killian jumped in front of her defensively. The crew had followed him, but he paid no mind to them.

"Easy mate," Killian growled, holding his hands up slightly. He didn't want to cause a fight.

"Is this your harlot?" the man hissed, leaning threateningly toward Killian. Anger clawed at Killian, but he swallowed it.

"Aye, so be careful how you treat her," he warned. He had no intentions on letting this man harm her.

"Learn to control your bitch or she will be controlled for you," the man growled. Killian saw her moved out of the corner of his eye. He reached back staying her. He turned his back to the man and pushed her sending her in a walk away from the situation. He splayed his hand along the center of her back knowing that the man was still watching.

"I told you (F/N), stay with me and don't speak to anyone," he snapped. He wasn't angry at her he was angry at this village. She was a free spirit and she hated being told what to do. That was one of the many reasons he'd grown to love her, but it was also frustrating in a place like this. She pulled away from his hand.

"She fell Killian, what was I supposed to do just leave here there?" She argued.

"Yes," Killian answered, blandly. He could see the gears turning behind her eyes and that worried him. By the look on her face she was going to get herself into trouble.

...

The crew entered the tavern allowing Killian to keep you in the center of the group. The noise didn't bother him a bit, but seeing your head fall did. His anger toward this village only grew. He directed the crew toward a decently clear table sighing as she sat across from him. A small group of women brought them drinks. He didn't fail to notice that they hadn't given one to her. "A drink for the lady please," Killian boomed, startling one of the women. Once she had her drink he held back a laugh as she instantly began to gulp it down.

"Cheers!" Smee called, drawing Killian from the trance he'd slipped into. He held up his cup clanking it with the member nearest to him. He took a drink sighing as the burn soothed him. He took another sip.

"Anyone for dice?" One of the crew suggested, bringing out the dice.

"We aren't drunk enough for that! We've barely begun!" another answered. Killian laughed in agreement along with his men. His eyes stayed on you as you downed the rest of your pint. That was fast.

"Thirsty love?" He poked, downing his to match her pace.

"Gotta drown the anger somehow," she replied. Killian pushed down the guilt that tugged at his gut. He waved for another following your gaze briefly to a stranger in the corner. His heart sank. He hated when you looked at other men, which was hypocritical of him since he almost always had women at his sides. He didn't want to admit it to himself but the only reason he did that was to hide the truth of how he felt about her. He drank bringing his full attention back to his crew.

...

The crew had reached the drunk point where dice came to play. The point of the game was to eliminate everyone from the game until only one player was left standing. Two people would roll for bets and whoever got the lowest number was kicked from the round. He loved dice, even though he was horrible at it. That's why he never played fair. To his own demise he'd lost multiple times now specifically to her. She was damaging his ego. "What's wrong Captain? Losing to a girl?" She purred, her boot touching his lower leg. Killian responded instantly scooting further onto his seat and parting them slightly. His skin tingled where her legs were pressed. He knew her game and he was more than willing to play.

"You are just having a stroke of luck love, don't get too cocky," he answered. It wasn't luck, it was cheating, but he knew that. Her boot slid further up his leg and he captured it between his knees. He grinned as she pulled it free.

"Another round?" Smee suggested, his intoxication evident in his voice.

"Definitely," Killian challenged, meeting her intense gaze. He placed his bet along with his crew and the strangers that had joined them. They'd occupied the other end of the table. Smee started the new round losing straight off of the bat. Killian scoffed watching as the stranger took his bet and challenged her. The stranger started off good catching her with an eight. Part of Killian hoped she would lose, but she didn't. He was impressed with your roll, but that meant that you were still in.

"Twelve!" she chirped, drawing cheers from the crew. Killian frowned as the man slammed his bet down at you. Killian's frown disappeared as soon as her face turned to his.

"Alright Captain, let's see what you've got," she murmured, a sly smile crossing her expression.

"Six!" Smee called. Killian had high hopes. He snatched up the dice his gaze not leaving hers. He readied himself to roll for a win. His went to move, but heat suddenly slid between his legs. His hips bucked as their own will causing him to let go prematurely of the dice. The smile on her face grew. Killian's stomach turned over at the excitement that washed through him.

"I'll be taking that." Killian's eyes sealed shut for a blissful moment as her foot slid a little higher daring to touch him. His eyes snapped open in disappointment as her foot disappeared. He almost groaned, but bit it back. The smug smile she held made him want to kiss it off of her face. He heard the snickering of his crew which caused his cheeks to darken slightly. He bowed his head for a moment regaining his composure. Killian watched as one of the strangers grumbled and left the table.

"What a child," she commented, continuing on with the game. He watched happily as she finally lost kicking her out of the game. He opened his mouth to remark on that, but her standing cut him off. All snide comments he was going to make faded as worry hit him.

"Where are you off to?" He asked, reaching out to gently touch one of her boots.

"I'm off for a drink, I'll be back," she replied. Killian frowned hid concern staying.

"Relax Hook, I'll be right over there," she giggled, her finger directing his attention to the counter. He watched her saunter over to the counter and take a seat. His gaze didn't leave her until Smee tapped his shoulder.

"Another round?" His poor first mate was smashed. He sighed and nodded. He started the round off knocking one of his crew out instantly. He was so much better at this game when she wasn't playing. That made him chuckle. He rolled again knocking Smee out as well. He was surprised Smee still had coins to bet! He rolled again this time getting knocked out and losing two gold coins to one of his crew.

"Get off of me you shark!" Her voice rang in his ears. His worried attention was swiftly drawn to her. Something in him snapped at the sight. Killian stood up abruptly and stalked toward them.

"Hey mate! You've had your fun now let her go," he snarled, deeply. The man looked at Killian keeping her flush against him. She was squirming.

"What are you going to do about it, Pirate?" The man mocked. He was done. Killian hooked his fingers around her arm and tugged her free of the vermin in front of him. He slipped her behind him and swung his arm hitting the man with the tip of his hook. The man howled and fell back his hands coming to to his cheek. Killian wiped the blood from the tip of his hook.

"Touch her again and I'll separate your head from your miserable shoulders," he threatened, reaching behind him and touching her hand. She began to intertwine their fingers, but Killian pushed her aside as the man lunged. Killian took the hit his back slamming against a wooden beam in the room. The man slugged Killian, but Killian didn't let that slow him down. He brought his knee swiftly against the man's crotch. As soon as his head came down Killian smashed the curve of his hook against the man's skull. He pushed him back onto the floor scoffing at the body sprawled out in front of him. He reached up and wiped the crimson blood that trickled from the corner of his mouth.

"Anyone else want to lay a hand on my lass?" Killian growled, pulling you to his side.

No one moved. The man slowly returned to his feet. He charged at Killian again, but was to slow. Killian slipped behind him and slid his hook around the man's neck bringing him down onto his knees.

"Killian!" She yelped.

"That is enough! Leave, all of you!" the bartender shouted. Killian shoved the man down onto his stomach.

"Let's go men," Killian ordered. His crew gathered their drunken selves and left the tavern. Killian took hold of her hand and led her out as well. He walked in a raged silence toward the ship. She kept up with him staying close against his side. They boarded the ship. He didn't leave room for protest as he took her down into his quarters. He placed her on the edge of his bed.

"Are you alright?" He demanded, his voice coated with rage and concern.

"Killian I-"

"Did he hurt you?" He cut her off, coming close and looking her over. He took note of the bruise forming on her forehead. She flinched slightly.

"Killian!" She grabbed hold of his hand and hook holding him in place. Looking into her eyes calmed him.

"I'm fine. I'm not hurt," she soothed. He could clearly see her body trembling.

"I'm so sorry love..." He grumbled, now angry with himself. He sank onto his knees in front of her. He sat between her parted knees his head hanging low.

"I never should've taken you in there." He was beating himself up. He'd never experienced panic like he had when he saw that man on her.

"Killian it isn't your fault. I'm okay, really," she insisted, still holding onto his hand and hook. Killian lifted his head to see tears pooling in her eyes. She was shaking more now. He assumed that whatever reaction she was having to this was coming late. Killian slowly stood back up and separated her hands from his own. He moved further between her legs and wrapped his arms around her pulling her close. Her arms snaked around his lower back drawing him even closer as she buried her face into the leather vest covering his stomach. She was crying. Killian curled over her engulfing her.

"Easy love, you're safe," he soothed, rubbing small circles into her shoulder blade. She'd been with a lot of men, but none had ever attacked her like that. After a few minutes she let go of Killian and he respectively stepped back. He'd forgot about his bleeding lip until it was dripping down his chin. He wiped it away with the back of his hand smudging it across his skin.

"Oh Killian, you're bleeding." She was on her feet in moments.

"It's nothing love. I've had worse," he assured. She went behind his desk and opened the bottom drawer pulling out a cloth and some injury oil that they'd come by in the Enchanted Forest. He shook his head.

"You don't need to-"

"Sit," she ordered, pushing him backwards until the back of his knees hit the bed. He plopped down and she sat next to him. She opened the cap to the oil bottle and placed the rag over it. She soaked the small part of the rag and set the bottle aside. She reached up and cleaned away the blood on his lip. Killian couldn't take his eyes off of her. His expression turned soft and all of his anger seemed to fade the longer he looked at her. His heart was beating rapidly against his chest. For a moment he swore she could hear it. She applied pressure to the cut on his lip to help stop the bleeding. She didn't have to hold it long before the cut gave up.

"There," she said, softly. She set the rag aside next to the bottle and met Killian's gaze. Her eyes were still wet from the tears. Killian made a choice. He raised his hand to her face and used his thumb to carefully wipe away the leftover tears. He wanted to lower his hand, but he found himself resting it across her soft cheek. Her eyes met his and his heart skipped a beat. He couldn't deny himself or this any longer. With ease he brought himself toward her. To his own surprise she finished the move closing the distance between their lips. Butterflies exploded throughout Killian. It was amazing.

They'd never kissed before and he was glad they did. Nothing had ever seemed so right to him. It was stranger to him because this was the first kiss he'd had that held no lust behind it only sheer love and passion. Her hand met his intertwining their fingers. They finally broke their kiss their foreheads resting together.

"Killian? There is something I've been meaning to tell you.." she began. He smiled gently and shifted so they were looking at each other.

"I love you," Killian interrupted understanding what she was intending to say. She brought their lips together again causing the settling butterflies to spark again. He almost whined when she separated them again.

"I love you too," she murmured. She wrapped her arms around Killian's neck and pulled him close. His arms slid around her back trapping her there. The hug was comforting to Killian and everything he'd ever wanted. In this moment he couldn't want for more.

"I couldn't let that man hurt you..." He admitted, suddenly. She pulled back eyeing him softly.

"It-" he sighed with defeat.

"To see someone doing that to you... It- it enraged me. It broke me.." He looked away from her. He was admitting things he never thought he'd have the guts to admit.

"That's why I never let you bring your company back to my ship," he mumbled, shyly. She raised her brow at him.

"And all the women you brought back?" She asked.

"They- were a distraction... From you," he admitted.

"I was too cowardly to tell you how I felt in case the feelings weren't shared," he continued. She giggled.

"That is why I enjoyed the company of other men.. Because I was too afraid to tell you how I felt," she said, resting a hand under his chin and bringing his gaze back to her.

"My heart belongs to you Killian." She pressed a soft kiss to his lips for a brief moment.

"And I want to give you your heart's desire." They kissed once more before they fell into another hug. The cabin was dark with the night.

"I should get some rest," she suggested, eventually pulling herself to stand. Killian didn't move. He didn't want her to leave.

"Stay with me love," he pleaded, taking her hand in his own. She smiled and sat back down on the bed. He shed his coat, vest, and boots before crawling further onto his bed resting his head on his pillow. She followed removing her own boots and her corset before making herself comfortable against his side. Her head found its place over his heart which was beating ninety miles per hour. Her hand rested on his tunic fiddling with the soft material.

"Goodnight Captain," she yawned.

"Rest easy my love."

Forever Taglist

@elainqueenoffireandroses  @xaviersmutcnt @raindrops-on-roses142

[killian-whump]

OUAT 2x13: Rewatch Blog

Here we are again - same fairytale time, same fairytale channel. This time around, we’ll be watching episode 2x13, which is called “Tiny” and is about the past (and present) adventures of the giant Anton from 2x06.

We also have lots of pain faces, limping, and general woundedness from Killian throughout the episode, so, you know, that’s gonna keep me busy.

At any rate, let’s get some snacks and get to it, shall we? :)

“...I’d be devastated.” Awww, Dave <3 Such honesty <3

This is the least fun-looking road trip to ever exist in any realm.

“You like the holster, huh?” YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY, SNOW.

“And to be honest, Regina, I don’t think Emma has to run anything by you.” Umm. Excuse you? Pretty sure Regina is still his legal guardian in this realm, unless y’all been filing some court documents in her absence, which seems unlikely and also frowned upon in most societies. I have to admit, on this rewatch, this shit is rankling me even more than I remember.

And they don’t even take a moment to think, “Wow. That must have hurt for her to hear and have to kowtow to - that she doesn’t even rate high enough in her son’s life to have things run by her first.” They just shrug it off. “That went well.” “With her, it doesn’t get much better.” Wow. Callous.

Have to admit, this scene is not a good look for these two.

OH GOOD. It’s time for limpy, sassy, incorrigible Hook. Just the palate cleanser I needed after that last scene.

“I’m watching you, pirate.” WE KNOW, LEROY. WE SEE YOUR THIRST.

Pictured Above: one thirsty-ass dwarf

We’re clocking it, Leroy. All 360 degrees of it, and counting.

Ahhhh, this whole scene and Colin’s pained delivery of every line. It’s like Christmas came early, in the form of a bruised and battered pirate <3

Oh no, it’s minor character flashbacks. I’m not going to care about most of this, am I? *sigh* Didn’t think so. I do like Jorge Garcia, though. He’s fun.

Hahahahaha... “Why do we keep growing them if nobody ever uses them?” *total silence* “...It’s what we do.” OH, OKAY, JAN.

LOL, Hook’s exit here will never not be hilarious. LOL, BYE SUCKERS.

Whoa, look at David fly!!! That was some punch.

Leroy whump. Man, Anton’s going to town on everybody.

Oh, so Belle is basically in the psych ward, drugged out of her head. Nice one, Storybrooke Hospital, but whyyyyyyyyyyyy.

“Did that giant just say he’ll make you pay?” Snow, that is hardly the most shocking thing about the encounter you all just had. Did you not see that EPIC punch that sent your husband literally FLYING through the air?

Ohhhh, it’s time for Dave in Leather Pants James.

Jack’s outfit is amaaaaazing, by the way.

UMMMM. Where did Leroy go? He was there literally a second ago. Did he just get bored and leave during Dave’s reverie??

Okay, I would be scared shitless if a giant eyeball was watching me in my windows like that. Thanks for the nightmare fodder, Once.

“I’m Anton. I’m a giant.” Awwwwwww. He’s adorable. Let’s keep him safe and warm and happy by getting him off this show immediately.

Nice Alice in Wonderland references, Jack, but you’re still full of shit.

And next we have “Air Travel with Immortal Imps” on The Travel Channel.

“I’m not gonna let that happen.” Umm. Did she (Could she??) even do anything to prevent it, though? Or was she just hoping for the best?

“GUYS, THERE’S A CINNABUNS HERE”

My new second favorite Abrupt Henry Line, just after “HEY, GUESS WHAT, TACO SHELLS ARE ON SALE.”

Seriously? That’s the best way to clandestinely indicate he wants Cora to meet with him? Like, she obviously has to be watching him to even see him drop the card. Couldn’t he just as easily say, “Cora, get over here.” or “Mommy, please?” or, you know, whatever their safeword is?

Too much? Not enough? Just right? I can’t even tell anymore.

I love how Regina appears here. It’s neat. “Hello, Hook.” *throws her ovaries at her* JUST TAKE THEM, WHY DON’T YOU.

“Expecting my mother? The one you were supposed to kill?” “Oh, that...” Hahahahaha :D

He might as well have said, “Oh, THAT mother. I thought, surely, you meant another one... Didn’t I kill her? It escapes my memory, but I could’ve sworn I killed one of your mothers... Was it the wrong one, love??”

“I’ve been tied up in bed - not in the good way.” I’ve always loved that line, of course, but that he says it to Regina, and in a way like she would understand what he means, makes it a million times better, doesn’t it? :D The first time I saw this episode, I was firmly on the HQ train... and now I am again, but with another version of Hook, but this is all “fresh” enough HQ that it can help inform us on the distant past of S7 HQ, as well ;)

In other words, they banged. They SO banged. With rope. It was good.

Poor Anton. Get out of the street, you adorable manchild.

Aw, geez. I mean, you guys could just be decent and let him give you treasures and... and... you’re not going to be decent at all, are you? T_T

Wicked Regina. I love wicked Regina :D

Watching Rumple fall apart without his magic is kinda powerful. Great acting by Bobby, of course. As always.

LMAO “She’s... kinda out of town?”

This bickering over David’s name is hilarious. I love it so much.

“Hold on, what the hell IS your name?!”

“What if I call you whatever I damn well please?!?!”

Why didn’t I even remember this scene?! THIS IS THE BEST DAMN SCENE.

I JUST WATCHED IT, LIKE, THREE TIMES IN A ROW.

Awww... This is all so sad. Alexa, play Despa-

Damn. I don’t have Alexa :/

Awww... That’s cute <3 Anton gets to be a dwarf <3

OMG GUYS, GREG SAW IT TOO. THIS IS SHOCKING. I AM SHOCKED.

Awww... This Snowing scene is so cute. Snow’s jacket is so cute. They’re so cute. <3

TERRIFIED MR. GOLD IS SO CUTE. Hahaha. He’s so fucking scared. I’m sorry, but it’s priceless and wonderful, lol.

Oh! That’s it! Show’s over! That was a quick one!

PEW PEW PEW PEW!!!

[nogoodmox]

hm! nikki cross for the wrestler ask!

What I like about them

i LOVE her character!!! her behavior and general Vibe is so unique and cool to me. i love how exciting she is, her fighting style is a wild card and all over the place and i love watching her!! she’s so chaotic and unruly and doesn’t let anything stop her, even if she could possibly get hurt in the process. i also love how she’s portrayed as so dangerous, but goofy and cartoonish too! she’s just such a fun, compelling wrestler and i love her with all my heart. 

What I dislike about them

hm....i think, probably the same situation as dean? i wish there wasn’t so much ableism surrounding her character. the way the commentators talk about her makes me /: i also wish she would cut promos more often!! 

Favourite moment

this is a tough one!!! i love the backstage segment where they were setting her up with an interview and she kept slapping the tech guy’s hand away when he tried to put a mic on her, then she straight up put him in an armlock for good measure ksdkfjsdk. i also loved the time when ruby needed a tag partner and nikki came creeping around in the crowd to help her. ALSO HER LAST WOMAN STANDING MATCH WITH ASUKA!!! AND WHEN SHE TOOK THE SPOT THROUGH THE TABLE AT TAKEOVER BROOKLYN III! 

Least favourite moment

probably....when she came out to attack undisputed era for ambushing SAnitY backstage....only because the refs stopped her from actually kicking his ass smh. 

A situation with this character that I want to see explored more

i’d love to see her relationship with the rest of SANitY explored a bit more!! just because we don’t see her with them very often! i also want her to have another feud soon bc it’s been awhile ): (preferably with someone that isn’t lacey evans) 

An interesting AU for this character

the first thing that’s coming to mind here is like......a gang au with her and SAnitY and other tag teams being the gangs lmao. 

OTP (or OT3+ etc…. just… favourite ship)

i don’t really ship it but....her and ruby is Valid

Other ships?

nope!

BROTP

SAnitY ofc (especially alexander, have you seen the way she jumps on his back ;-;), ruby riott, and asuka!

NOTP

i dunno!! i guess her and adam cole lmao

An assortment of headcanons!

a lot of these are based off things i’ve seen on her twitter! :D 

nikki LOVES animals and likes to volunteer at shelters whenever she can

she especially loves dogs and her favorite breed is australian shepherds!

sometimes she likes to pull pranks on her SAnitY brothers, and she usually as alexander as an accomplice

one time she just put an entire raccoon in killian’s duffle bag. where she got it from, no one knows, but it didn’t really pay off bc killian had no problem picking it up and releasing it back to the wild (he even gave it a snack first!)

she loves vanilla ice cream!! it’s a bit boring but she finds it to be a good and humble flavor

she’s got lots of energy most of the time she’s that person obnoxiously shaking her leg or tapping her fingers. lots of times during SAnitY meetings she’ll just be darting around cause she can’t sit still!

[aquarianlights]

Are you okay? I wish I could be there for you to help you more, if you need anything please let me know

Idk if this is someone I know or not (I private messaged you about that coz I have a friend who is constantly changing his unsername and this would be a VERY appropriate icon and username for him), but nonetheless.........

I really, REALLY appreciate this message.

I haven’t been drunk in years, I believe. I get tipsy every now and then. But never drunk. Alcohol isn’t something I enjoy. At all.

Anyone who takes psych medications knows exactly why and I won’t have to explain that.

Nonetheless, I did. And it was, of course, terrible. Due to psych meds. Again, anyone who takes them knows why. But everything before that was.... a nice flashback to when I was a stupid kid and a stupid alcoholic.

And it turned me into a mess of emotions which...I am not an emotional guy usually. I USED to be. I mean, hell, look at ANYTHING on my blog prior to...oh, say, 5 months ago? Maybe 4? Maybe 6? I’m not sure how long it’s been, but. Nonetheless.. Anything that is not associated with the name Killian and is not associated with the name Killian AFTER I got my full diagnosis on this blog.....you will CLEARLY see I was initially a robot/Vulcan with NO emotions that sprung into a little emo boy with a INFLUX of emotions who just... spiraled into what borderline personality disorder really is...and fell into the category of the extreme outlier of BPD like I was meant to be all along and like I have learned to live happily with and like I have learned how to deal with.

SO

I don’t normally just....Idk.

But these past three days, now 4, have just..... I mean, man. I told my irl friends that if I got to the point of relapsing where it became a problem again...or if anyone say ANYTHING becoming a problem again....to PLEASE hold an intervention for me and that I would NEVER react like I did in the past to everyone who tried over and over to give me drug and alcohol and self harm and suicidal related interventions. It always went terribly because I was a brat and thought I knew better and had anger issues that I didn’t know I had.

Well, I told them in full detail that I would, for the first time in my life, be receptive to what they had to say, whether it be in person, in a video chat, in a group chat, via letters, emails...whatever... But that if it got to a point where I was out of control, that I needed help. And I trusted them to know the signs before I did because they ALWAYS have.

Maybe my catastrophic thinking is getting in the way and I’m just being paranoid? Maybe it’s not a problem. 

Or maybe I really have pushed my pretty expansive circle of good and best friends so far away that they only care and throw me a bone of hope when I’m literally on the verge of dying.

I always have to either be dying or already dead for them to care and throw me that bone of hope. That’s been proven with them. Normally, I’d have cut people like that out in 2 seconds flat. No questions asked. But this isn’t...normal for the people I’m referring to. Certain people I did cut out in 2 seconds flat like BYE. But the others.... it isn’t normal and I know there are certain major things happening and we are ALL at a very pivotal point in life..... but that doesn’t mean you just abandon your packmates. Your long distance ones, your fremily, or your new packmates. Your packmates are bonded for life, even if they leave your life, and you do not just cut them out and if they are doing the things they are doing...there is a reason for it and I will not cut them out until I hear an explanation as to why, whether it be a reason, an excuse with a justification, an excuse by itself, or an “I don’t have any excuse or reason or justification for why I’ve been neglecting you”. I just need to know WHY before I cut them out. And depending on what they say...they may not get cut. I mean, if it’s anything other than what I, personally, deem as a reason (other than one person who has the privilege of having ANY of the things I listed after and I would wholeheartedly respect any of those answers if he gave them to me, which I know he straight up would as he never lies to me and never would), you’ll be cut out. If you can convince me it is a reason, then okay. If I don’t see it as a reason and I want you to convince me it is a reason and you say you don’t feel like it and it’s not worth your time, then I damn well know it’s NOT a reason and that cutting you out is definitely the right choice.

But cutting any one of them out would hurt like hell. But I will not do it without hearing an explanation first, because they are all packmates. And when you’re a part of the pack, you do not get cut off by the pack. But I will come to your house, if you are long distance from me, and personally rip your pack mate necklace from your neck. If you are no longer a part of our pack. Because our code is if someone is wearing the pack necklace...we know we can trust them.

And I want to implement something further with the necklaces (as I have multiple packs so multiple necklaces) to where if one of us is in danger or need to send a message, they can send someone with one of our pack necklaces or a picture of the necklace and we won’t say a word and keep the secrecy until they show us the necklace without saying a word themselves and we will all silently know what it means. If they start to ramble about what it means, then we automatically know they’re faking and they have done something to our packmate...and we seek vengeance.

It sounds like a cult or a gang. But it’s not.

The way you become a pack member is just....by trust. And not in a gang or cult way. It’s literally just.... all of us in said pack (whichever pack) somehow come to meet you (usually and hopefully separately) and somehow we end up mentioning your name to another pack member and the other pack member goes “Oh hey I just met x the other day! They seem really cool. You met them, too???” and I go “Yeah! I met them the other week! We talked about blah blah blah....” And then suddenly another pack mate comes home and is doing dishes in another room and hears their name and goes “Wait...are you talking about x? I know that person.” “Wait what? How?”

And then after a few months, suddenly the whole pack knows them...and suddenly they start to join the group...suddenly we all start hanging out...and we start to get tight.... and we all (INDIVIDUALLY) assess whether they can be trusted or not. And it doesn’t take just months or whatever to join our packs. It takes literal like...YEARS of trust building. And it’s simple...y’know... actions, verbal....just hanging out, in groups, individually, relationships developing, etc etc etc.... and then one night suddenly the pack is talking and someone brings up, a year or so later, “Hey.... you guys think we should invite x into the pack?” We all grab our pack necklaces around our chest where the emblems hang. All look at each and shrug. “Sure. I mean. We can certainly sit em down and tell em about us and our values and what our pack means to us and how they can be a part of us if they want to and we can get them a necklace.”

It just....happens. Randomly. And there’s no real ceremony or anything. There’s no....ACTUAL pecking order but there is a little bit of a hierarchy in one of my packs. It’s basically just a bunch of us as friends just KNOWING that we can rely on each other and trust each other with our lives and love each other unconditionally and talk to each other about anything at any time and basically just... protect each other and stand up for each other BUT ALSO tell each other when the other is being stupid and correct bad behaviours and just....

THE PACK IS TO CREATE A COMPLETELY SUPPORTIVE, 100% PURELY POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT THAT SUPPORTS EVERYONE’S DREAMS, GOALS, ASPIRATIONS...AND EVERYONE IN THE PACK DOES EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO HELP EVERYONE ELSE IN THE PACK ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS NO MATTER WHAT. That is mainly what our pack is for. The necklaces just help us have.... long distance... coz we’re away from each other a lot coz of hectic schedules. Me and another one of us especially. And ESPECIALLY with my long distance packmates. So we can wear them and touch them at any time and always be connected.

And I really want to suggest that method of using the necklace as a symbol of sending a messenger or an outsider to other pack members to tell them that they can trust said person with any information they have to give and that everything they say and do is legitimate and verbatim to what whoever pack’s necklace (as they’re usually all unique to us in some way/colour/shape/form) said/did.

THE REASON I’m elaborating on my packs is that.............

The people who are neglecting me......

Are these people. Our blood runs through each others veins. We are people who have all been abandoned and/or abused by our families.....so we have made our own. As a pack. As a friend family. As a fremily.

Which everyone should have....but ours runs deeper than most peoples. And most people don’t understand that. And most people don’t understand that when I’m wearing a necklace......it’s not JUST a necklace. Everyone is all “Ooooo what a nice pendant you’re wearing, dearie! Where did you get it?” And I just look at them, aghast, saying “I do NOT have the time to explain that.” And walk away while they look appalled at my “rudeness”. Lmao. I could just say “I don’t know” but that is disrespecting our emblems to me. So I can’t do it.

THE REASON I WENT IN DEPTH ON ALL OF THAT AND TOOK THE TIME TO DO THAT .....is to explain why NORMALLY.... I can cut out just about anyone, no matter how near and dear to my heart they are or how long they’ve been in my life (aka parents LMAO) or whatever they’ve done for me or whatever this and that blah blah blah.

But my packmates I will NEVER *just* cut out. Ever. An explanation will come first before I cut them out...if that even happens.

Again, this is a HUGELY pivotal moment for us all....... and I’m not there with a certain pack (my main pack) I’m having problems with to see it in person. The other packs I’m having issues with.... I’m not sure if they’re having pivotal moments, actually, because they’re not only neglecting me, they’re practically ghosting me. Which is not okay. But it goes both ways. I haven’t exactly been texting them either. But why haven’t I been texting?BECAUSE I HAVE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE TO TEXT THAT I JUST POST MASS UPDATES ON EVERY FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA SITE I HAVE AND C/P SO THAT EVERYONE CAN FOOKIN SEE IT GODDAMNIT. I’m not gonna c/p the same message to like a million people over and over and over on my phone. I’m just not. I’m going to C/P on my major social media sites where everyone is and tag them if necessary.

And the fact I am being neglected and sometimes ghosted consistently ever since becoming physically disabled...and being SHAMED by my pack when I say that I’m not loved when I’m standing on a ledge ready to jump with only my phone to save me..... and then being p much ghosted by them for the remainder of ....well...until I’m right back on that ledge.... PROVES that I either have to be dying, in the hospital, or already dead for them to take me seriously, which I EXPECT from everyone else in the world because that is shitty human nature which shouldn’t be a thing, but is. But from my pack? My fremily? My inner circles? That doesn’t fly. No. Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I am not a different person just because I am physically disabled. Yes, okay, maybe I am actually.... I have become a lot more aggressive. And IF IT’S POSSIBLE, I have actually become MORE outspoken (is that possible? lmao) and I have become much louder and I am WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY more confident in my abilities than ever before.

But the fact that I am now HAPPY and can control my breakdowns and have healthy coping mechanisms and know how to healthily take care of myself........... THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU ABANDON ME. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE IN MY INNER CIRCLE AND I AM AT MY DEEPEST, DARKEST POINT IN LIFE.

Stagnancy is my biggest killer (hence why everyone has always tried to push me towards trauma surgery since I was old enough to be held in the lap of nurses in the overview seats of the OR watching room places when I was a wee lad waiting for my mom to get off work coz I always wanted everything to go fast fast fast and wanted to be an animal doctor and loved playing with blood and thought organs and stuff were cool and had a lot of questions but was so convinced I was gonna be an “animal doctor [veterinarian]” that i was adamant not to take any of their years and years of pushing medical training on me as a child growing up in hospitals running around the ER.... ahh, the 90′s were a simpler time. Lmao). Stagnancy comes with being chronically ill and in chronic pain. And when your doctors FUCK your medications up.........and you’re literally FORCED to be house bound........ and your roommates are up and out whenever they damn well please because yknow... THEY CAN..... (fucking able bodied people piss me off).....you can do nothing but relapse. Over and over and over again.

And one morning you wake up and wonder “Why the FUCK are both my benzos AND my pain killers EMPTY!????” and you’re frantically calling your doctors and every dealer you know.... And no one can help. No one can help.

And you’re housebound until the 23rd. Unable to even get the 3ish miles down the road to the wonderful little niche coffee shop you love to just study and do your schoolwork like you normally do.....so you try so hard to just....no more relapsing...no more slicing yourself to shreds.... no taking all those pills pumped full of potassium (which is a part of the lethal injection process) that you’re prescribed and overdosing on every single one of them. NO giving in. No becoming an alcoholic again. No quitting your medical studies just because you’re TRAPPED indoors. No quitting life just because you’re obese and you HATE yourself because you can’t FIX IT because you are TRAPPED. No more......

I have one person left to push away from me. I have managed to ostracize myself...... from everyone else. On purpose. I did it on purpose. I did so well, too. I really pulled that one off so well that even one of my two platonic soul mates fell for it. And now I’m left with one singular person holding on... and I need her gone so I can FINALLY say, TRUTHFULLY AND HONESTLY.... that “Yes. Everyone DID give up on me. And yes... everyone DID leave me. And no. NO ONE that matters who was that close to me, which is quite a good handful of people, even tried to help me after one point. And yes, I CAN tell you that exact date. And yes..... it is all written right here...in this suicide note.”

And that’s how I want it to be. But she won’t leave. But she’s also not giving me what I need to keep holding on. Which is not her fault. I don’t expect that from her or anyone. I need to give MYSELF that. But.... For fucks sake, I normally bounce back within 24 hours after a SERIOUS breakdown and a relapse. This is day 4... and I’m still on a downhill spiral. Not as badly as yesterday. I feel like I pulled myself up and last night and this morning were pure breaths of fresh air.... and now the downward spiral begins again.

Until the 23rd....I won’t know whether I should keep trying or stop.

Until the 23rd, I WILL keep trying because I did not raise myself to be a fucking quitter and I push myself 200% every single day otherwise I DID NOT do that day correctly and need to give 400% the next day. So until I find out what the prognosis is on the 23rd...... it is still the 200% every day, DESPITE the constant suicidal depression I feel that I NEVER thought would return. This lethargy and apathy brought on by stagnancy and being trapped in here and unable to leave because of my own BODY................................. is...... could be the end of my life.

But that’s a genuine reason for euthanasia. I will NEVER understand why humans are pro-euthanasia for the exact same types of sufferings in dogs, but against euthanasia in the exact same type of suffering in humans. If you’re gonna free an animal from suffering, why would you FORCE a human to continue living out its life in the same?

My grandmothers Alzheimer’s has progressed so badly that last I heard, she has now lost complete motor function to the point where she cannot stay in a chair and since my grandfather has dementia and all of the nurses aids quit, my grandmother slips out of the chair and falls to the floor and lays there and doesn’t even know it the whole time and neither does my grandfather while they’re watching TV the whole time. But since my grandfather is still “alert enough” despite his dementia, he is still her power of attorney and won’t allow us to put them in a home for stupid white manly man reasons. And all the nurse aids keep quitting on my family and the suffering is unreal and I just hope to fuck they die soon. Both of them. Some of you may think that’s cruel but those of you that do....obviously have not had ANY medical training in your lives. Because I would have thought so too before medical school. In fact, I was against canine euthanasia before I went to vet tech school. WOW was I an idiot. I was against a lot of things and called myself an animal rights activist just like a lot of vegans do before I went to vet tech school and became educated on what animal WELFARE actually is compared to the horrid world of animal “rights”.....

“In order to relive pain, one must suffer first.”“They tell us to do no harm and then hand us a 10 blade and tell us to slice a patient open in the OR.”“The only way you can do no harm is by harming the patient first to make everything better.”Things like that..............are things that opened my eyes GREATLY in medical school...... to the fact that there are MANY times when people have a goddamn RIGHT to euthanasia, aka assisted suicide is what it’s called in humans. But honestly... it’s just euthanasia.

The 23rd will determine a lot.

I’m in a lot of pain. Physically....and now EMOTIONALLY to a point at which I cannot handle. And no one can do anything for me except me.

And since I am a 26 year old man... I need to learn to take care of it myself.

Because that’s what everyone wants me to do, right?

Right.

So I will obviously take care of it myself like I always do. Set a timer on my phone for however long I am allowed to break down for, cry and break down for that amount of time, when the timer goes off... get up, wipe my face clean and my arms clean, put my glasses back on, fix my hair and clothes, and go back out and face the day and do what I’m supposed to do.

As I’ve been doing for months upon months. Maybe a good half a year now. It was working so nicely....until 3 days ago.

I just don’t know what happened.... Maybe today will make it better. Maybe it will make it worse...... Who knows.

The 23rd will tell.

Thank you caring enough to send me a message. And no I am most certainly not okay. At all. Physically or mentally.But I appreciate the ask. I do. As no one cares enough to even send one nowadays. I appreciate the offer.

But I should keep dealing with things on my own as I have been this whole time. I need to learn how to better compartmentalize and detach. I was doing so well until 3 days ago. I still don’t know what happened. But.... I’m sure I will figure it out. Somehow.......I appreciate this ask. A lot. It makes me feel a little better.