#i love chris' sentons so much

[schadentekkers]

[danwhobrowses]

AEW Revolution 2021 - Reaction & Review

Before you say anything, yes I know about the finish.

But while work has prevented me from watching the show live I will still be running down the PPV as I said I would, the card is still stacked and people were mighty excited to see the wrestling so let’s get to it

Spoilers for AEW Revolution 2021, I have done my best to avoid spoilers myself but have not been able to fully escape it, I won’t let my post be the same for someone else

The Buy-In I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Buy-In should not have 75% promos, especially since the promos are uploaded as the Countdown. It’s the same thing Tony you can fit an entire match in between it, or even recap the segments on the prior Dark - good promos from Miro, Archer and Big Swole in that show and the Butcher & Blade attacked Bear Country, all of which would have relevance to the PPV.

Britt Baker pre-match promo On the cusp of her tag match came out Dr. Britt Baker DMD who lambasted the company for booking ‘Reba’ to tag with her after she sustained an ‘injury’ at the hands of Nyla Rose. Baker acted like her ‘doctor’s note’ should’ve been enough and had Reba walk on stage with a crutch to sell her point. With her partner injured she has been allowed to pick a replacement. Thoughts would’ve obviously gone to one Thea Trinidad but that made the surprise so much better.

Dr Britt Baker (w/ Rebel ‘Reba’ Tanea) & Maki Itoh def. Riho & Thunder Rosa - Pinfall on Rosa by Baker after a Superkick + Crutch Shot Maki Itoh, who was unusually absent from the TJPW PPV - arrived to a loud pop from the crowd and Serpentico just completely losing his shit at ringside. The King of Simps sang her entrance as she usually does as she soaked in the atmosphere with pure joy on her face. The babyfaces quickly made their entrances after as the match was about to kick off. For a tag match it was more of a 2v2 than a tag bout, I mean that in there wasn’t a lot of team moves; whenever the heels felt threatened they would switch partners to regain momentum, but that did allow each woman to face off one another. There were some good interactions between each woman in the bout, Excalibur doing very well to inform the fans that Itoh had history with Riho and Rosa and that she had recently come out of a tag tournament final in TJPW where she and ‘Pink Striker’ Miyu Yamashita fell short to NEO Biishiki-Gun (a faction that involves the heel alter-ego of the Eliminator Tournament’s Mei Suruga). Between the match Rosa and Baker sold the animosity, trading middle fingers while the other was in the corner until they finally got to cross one another. The final stages proved to be entertaining when Itoh and Riho where legal, Rosa and Baker had both rushed the ring to fight when Riho sucker hit Baker on the apron, leading to a trade off in moves between all four women, Rosa got planted with a tornado DDT, but Itoh missed the Flying Kokeshi, Riho almost capitalized but her Shining Wizard was countered by Itoh’s magnificently fluid rolling half crab counter. Riho would make the ropes as both women tagged out after Itoh got Riho with a headbutt and Riho shook off Baker after Rosa broke up her pin from an air raid crash, liquid pinfalls and counters happened after that which was an easy highlight. Reba proved not to be as injured as let on when she jumped the apron but was accidentally socked by Baker after Rosa dodged and hit the DVD, Itoh broke the pin but got thrown out of the ring afterwards, the cameras missing Riho diving at Itoh on the outside. In the ring Baker - having wriggled out of a Fire Thunder Driver - staggered Rosa with a superkick and used the ref’s position to push Rosa towards him near the ropes where Reba cracked Rosa with the crutches as the ref dodged, the damage was enough for Baker to get the 3 count. After the match Riho ensured that Rosa wouldn’t get attacked afterwards as Reba limped on and out the ring, Baker and Itoh leaving the ramp with middle fingers to their opponents

It was a very fun match, camera work wasn’t the best at times but it was still really good. I didn’t expect Itoh and Baker’s twitter buddying to lead to them partnering up but that is the sneaky foreshadowing. The booking of this match should really be stated a bit more, Riho and Rosa are top caliber former champions on their brands, and Itoh and Baker hanged with them mostly to a stalemate. With 2 victories over Rosa though Baker should be on the up, and sadly we may see less of Rosa with NWA coming back (same will probably be said about Serena once her knee recovers until she drops the belt) so it was important that nobody came out looking weak. With Itoh’s US appearance too and the pop (and the resulting appearance on BTE) you can be sure that the Cutest in the World will be seen again.

Main Card Always gotta show my approval of using Brodie’s ‘you know what that means’ to start a show. JR sounded a little hoarse though today, hope he’s okay.

AEW World Tag Championship The Young Bucks def. The Inner Circle [Chris Jericho & MJF (w/ Wardlow)] - Pinfall on Jericho by Matt via Meltzer Driver Jericho came out with his usual Painmaker while MJF continues with his fashion atrocity of a white robe and blue tassels with the scarf print in the middle. The Bucks kept it simple with the black, yellow and pink - which Excalibur noted was designed by Matt’s daughter. The Bucks were definitely aggrieved, shoving the belts in the faces of their opponent before the bell, Jericho though played the mind games by snatching a title from Aubrey to hold it aloft. The bell rang and immediately it was brawling, Bucks pulling their patented dual suicide dive and stereo sharpshooters, interceptor spear and the hanging senton. MJF got some momentum by catching Nick before his apron moonsault as Jericho hit the triangle dropkick, Wardlow choking Nick on the outside while Aubrey was distracted and then hitting the double flapjack before stealing the Bucks’ poses. Matt roared in again but Wardlow again proved to shift momentum to his Inner Circle stablemates, this time pulling the ropes so Matt fell out. The Inner Circle kept things simple and grounded, antagonizing the Bucks whenever they could in hopes they will fall into a mistake, however their confidence left them more open to slipping up and falling into Nick’s hot tag, a lovely springboard destroyer hit two so the Bucks hit the Motor City Machine Guns’ move. MJF tagged Jericho but his Judas Effect was superkicked, Bucks tried Meltzer Driver but MJF grabbed Nick again and Jericho hit the tombstone, leaving Nick to flip with nobody home and leave him prone to the Walls of Jericho, Nick tagged Matt while in the hold but then Matt got locked in the Walls. MJF got 2 for a catch powerbomb but slowed it down by taunting Matt with multiple ‘Suck It!’s, Excalibur humorously begging Matt to just punch him ‘where he is pointing’, the provocation worked though as Matt went for a Meltzer Driver, allowing Jericho to catch Nick mid-flight with a Codebreaker and MJF to roll Matt up for 2. Wardlow distracted Aubrey as Jericho hit Matt’s legs with a bat leading to MJF hitting the Heatseeker, but they got 2 again! The Bucks countered with a baited corner kick and stereo crossbodies in and out of the ring, Wardlow got rocked by a dodged Judas Effect as Nick rolled Jericho for 2, Jericho tries a Lionsault but meets a low Superkick and then a BTE Trigger but MJF breaks the count, eating a Superkick Party (aka Death by Leg Slapping) for his troubles. Jericho gets a Double Superkick and then finished by a Meltzer Driver.

It was a hot opener for sure, the Bucks talking smack to Jericho afterwards. The Inner Circle were wily but relied too much on Wardlow and provoking the Bucks into making mistakes. I am actually surprised to see no Sammy Guevara even at ringside, besides Wardlow no Inner Circle members tried to interfere either, pretty clean affair.

Casino Tag Team Royale Death Triangle [PAC and Rey Fénix] win the Royale to be No. 1 Contenders for the Tag Titles - Fénix last eliminating Jungle Boy After the Bucks came naming the next contender, starting with the Natural Nightmares and Dark Order’s Five and Dime - ironically it was the old guard vs the Nightmare Factory alums - a handshake between 5 and Dustin was not shared when QT clubbed 10 to kick off the match. Dark Order got some great offence but were blindsided by Dustin’s double bulldog Different to regular Casino Royales, entrants played to Royal Rumble rules of one team at a time, the first team to enter being Santana & Ortiz. Five got eliminated first by QT after hitting the ‘That’s Gotta Suck’ (a crossbody to the back of an opponent lying on the ropes) on Ortiz, 10 unable to avenge him as the Sydals came next, Matt hitting the Meteora rather than the Shooting Star attempt like last time. Uno and Grayson came next, Uno hitting that delicious twisting flatliner on Mike Sydal as Santana and Ortiz dumped Mike out of the ring. Santana also completely kicked the taste out of Grayson and 10 soon after with a percussive kick. The Gunn Club came next without Billy, huge amount of faith in Austin and Colten, during which Matt Sydal got thrown over by the Gunns and dumped out by Santana’s big boot, meaning the Sydals were the first team to be eliminated. Intrigue hit after the Pretty Picture (Avalon & Bononi) and the Varsity Blonds came into the match, Austin had dumped Avalon and dual Famassers to Bononi looked like it was gonna eliminate the big man but then QT eliminated the Gunns at once. Ire and confusion was seen on Dustin’s face as QT eliminated his fellow Nightmare Family members, and QT then eliminated himself! A shock break up for sure from one of the most consistent Midcard tag teams in AEW. Bear Country Hell Yeah though hossed their way in, Grayson was able to lift one but got eliminated, Jurassic Express came next as Baltimora’s Tarzan Boy echoed from the arena, JB countered Santana and Ortiz’ tag move to eliminate the latter and then baited Santana to rana him out, Luchasaurus eliminated Bononi and then Griff, assisting Marko to do a slippery rana which Uno sold by running into the ring post to eliminate himself. Butcher and Blade came in fresh to dump Pillman and 10 and end their nights, Jack Evans had also appeared out of nowhere to assist in eliminating 10 as Bear Country brawled with Butcher and Blade, Dustin tried to get involved and was dragged out of the ring apron by Allie. Private Party then came in with the clean black and gold, nearly eliminating JB had Marko not held him up. SCU completely beheaded PP, Bear Country then eliminating Luchasaurus to some boos before being dumped by Butcher just as Death Triangle came in. Lastly was Silver and Reynolds who came to a decent pop, nailing Daniels with a Spin Doctor to start and then Dark Destroyer and Elimination from Isaiah Kassidy, SCU then eliminated Butcher leaving 4 teams left. Fénix bodyscissored Daniels, JB launched Reynolds over the turnbuckle and Kazarian thrown by PAC. Silver, PAC, Fénix and JB was just sublime, Silver only taken out by Fénix’s rope walk pele kick to leave JB on his own. “Jungle Boy in the Death Triangle” was a hell of a call by Excalibur as he eliminated PAC by using his momentum against him. Fénix and JB was just high octane, JB catching Fénix with an anti-air superkick, clothesline and poison rana but as he went to throw Fénix he counters with the 619 rebound heel kick and clotheslined JB out of the ring.

That was a strong ass royale. I will not however forget that Top Flight and FTR were unusually absent from the match (not to mention the Good Brothers, I hoped it’d be Casino Rules with them as the Joker, and TH2). But a lot of good stuff here, surprising split by the Nightmares, Butcher/Blade vs Bear Country feels imminent, Santana and Ortiz as well as SCU were still strong, I feel for Jurassic Express though, they are always inches from the brass ring but never quite getting it, but Death Triangle probably needed it more. Making Fénix the last man was a good decision as well because he had been taking a lot of Ls, now with a trio vs the Bucks it can lead to some interesting concepts, and batshit crazy spots.

Paul Wight Interview Wight sprinkled some hinting at his mystery signing by saying ‘No-one’s gonna outwork him’ as we paused till the next match. DDP and Al Snow were also shown in attendance.

AEW Women’s World Championship Hikaru Shida def. Ryo Mizunami - Pinfall via Corkscrew Knee Strike The promo package used for this match has to get some shine as well because it really built why both women were so motivated to win.

Mizunami came out with the tournament trophy in hand to ensure her clout had not been forgotten, Shida may not have worn the power suit but the kimono and kasa still looked wonderful. A handshake started the match but Shida dodged the lariat attempt. Mizunami shoulder blocked Shida but the champion kipped up impressing Aniki and prompting her to ground her a second time. Mizunami and Shida traded corner chops as Mizunami wasted too much time showboating for the champion to hit the rana and then the ringside knee strike, the Chair launch was caught as Mizunami dumped Shida over the railing. Leg drop was almost countered by the Stretch Muffler but Aniki used her power to continue grounding Shida and wearing her down with submissions, Shida though would grasp momentum with driving her opponent into the corner with her knees and then a missile dropkick, a driven Shida crunched Aniki with a B-Driver on the ramp then a deadlift suplex back into the ring, the champion’s confidence was met with Mizunami’s powerful flurry of strikes, Shida hits a running knee but Mizunami gets back up, she hits the Tamashii but can’t make the cover.  The women return to the handshake strike trading, but Mizunami got the advantage and plants her with an Uranage and Spear, the Guillotine Legdrop gets a close 2 but the champion kicks out again, she rolls out of the Fisherman buster to hit a German but gets hit in the back of the head, Shida hits the Falcon Arrow and kips back up, the Tamashii is blocked but she keeps striking Mizunami, running knee to the back of the head, Falcon Arrow again but could not hook the leg, the next Tamashii countered with a lariat but the following lariat countered with a knee. Shida digs into some Latino Heat with the eye poke and roll up for two, she hits the Tamashii but Aniki rolls her up for an agonizing two. Looked like a botched DDT but Shida hits a third Tamashii and Mizunami kicks out again, Shida opts for a corkscrew knee strike and that gets the three.

Shida’s celebration is cut short by Nyla and Vickie attacking both, Shida prevents Aniki from being Beast Bombed but is then blindsided by Baker and Itoh, Itoh biting Mizunami’s fingers while Nyla and Baker squared off before reaching an understanding. Rosa darted in for the save as Itoh taunted Rosa with an Akanbe (pulling her eyelid down). In the ring Shida offered a hand to Aniki while her opponent bowed to her in respect. If anyone had doubts that Mizunami would be a bad choice for Revolution they were promptly eating their words about now. This was a proper physical women’s bout showing the best of Joshi Strong Style. Shida showed off some newer moves even resorting to a heel move to try and win (Yakuza Heel Shida is an option) and a different finish to the Tamashii while Mizunami continued to brightly shine with power and charisma. The post-match stuff does leave a lot of intrigue too. Baker and Nyla’s alliance of convenience can only go so far when both want the title, it hurts to see Itoh with the heels given how over she is but it made sense in the context that Mizunami eliminated her from the tournament - Itoh fights for Itoh, the heels are just convenience for now. The tournament playing this role shows how important it was for the women’s division too, Rosa and Baker temporarily stepping up to Nyla and Nyla wanting to waste Aniki makes it important. In addition, Big Swole - who noted that she is next due to her title shot before the tournament’s announcement being postponed due to COVID - tweeted a ‘not my business’ kinda tweet during this too, which is telling.

Double or Nothing 2021 is coming May 30th A small promo for Double or Nothing was shown announcing the date.

Pre-Match Segment with Chuck Taylor and Orange Cassidy Before their match with Kip and Miro, Alex Mahvez was going to interview the two men before Miro and Kip jumped both men. Miro telling the camera to ‘Play my music’ as he dragged Chuck to the ramp and ring as he taunted a bleeding Taylor to just say the word to make it stop. Mic in his mouth Chuck instead said ‘ring the damn bell’ and slapped Miro to kick off the bout.

Miro & Kip Sabian (w/ Penelope Ford) def. Chuck Taylor & Orange Cassidy - Submission via Game Over by Miro on Chuck Taylor Miro wastes no time in this match, delivering the hurt to the partnerless Taylor before tagging out to Kip a few times as he taunted Taylor in and out of the ring. Taylor countered Sabian in time for Cassidy to appear on the ramp hurt, Miro slowly stalked the prone Cassidy only to have fallen for his possum as he kipped up and nailed an Orange Punch, tagging in to get a diving DDT for 2 on Kip, the back that was hurt before prevented a Beach Break to give Sabian the advantage while Miro recovered. Chuck is tagged in for a stomp/Beach Break combo, Miro breaks the count after Taylor was decked with a Piledriver. Miro gets involved as Bryce and Penelope argue, the deadly Orange Kicks humor Miro but his Pump Kick is dodged, Miro gets Orange in the gut before he can make a second Orange Punch but hits the Stundog Millionaire on the counter, Penelope stops Orange from running the ropes and provides distraction for Miro to push him, but he knocks Penelope right into the railing - it was a big sell - and takes out Orange but Taylor and Kip are legal. Miro drags Kip from his wife to tag himself in, nearly being beaten by the inside cradle before flooring Taylor with the Matchka kick and the Game Over for the win. Relief soaks the face of Miro as he feels a weight lifted, AEW’s weakest feud apparently over. Overall it was a nice way to finish it, Miro looked incredibly strong in the bout and teases of him discarding Kip were shown. OC was kept strong by the prior assault wearing him down and Taylor showed a lot of guts. It may do Chuck good to be written out for a bit, until Trent comes back at least.

Inner Circle Segment Not accepting that his interview time was taken, Mahvez found a new duo to interview. MJF and Jericho - flanked by Santana and Ortiz - were asked what’s next as Jericho went on a ‘we should’ve won’ tirade. Jericho and MJF hinted at a change as they promoted next week an ‘Inner Circle War Council’. It could indeed mean that someone else is being discarded from the Inner Circle, or someone’s coming in to take Sammy’s old spot.

Big Money Match ‘Hangman’ Adam Page def. ‘Big Money’ Matt Hardy - Pinfall via Buckshot Lariat I must first and foremost admit that I am loving this heel Matt Hardy. The ‘Corporate Leech’ has done really well at being a bane to AEW’s top babyface Cowboy and his Cult Buddies, he’s also driven Private Party to a new and better direction. Hangman’s funny name plates continued with ‘Decided on the Snapper 560Z’ as he came in 6-0 against Hardy’s 3-0 PPV record. Hangman controlled the early parts of the bout with his strength, Matt surviving with his veteran awareness to avoid the Buckshot but not enough to avoid Hangman’s axe handle from the railings. Hangman hurt his arm by having it slammed in the ring post as Hardy honed in on the hand; stretching, biting and crushing it between some steps. Commentary sold that the hand injured was Hangman’s favoured hand, the fact proven when Page’s punch damaged him as well, the Side Effect though was wonderfully countered with a cradle and then a DVD. Hardy evaded Hangman to catch him in a Twist of Fate on the outside, hoping for a Count Out win, Page rolls in at 9 as Hardy seizes control, yanking Hangman from the ropes with a turnbuckle elevated German Suplex. A big moonsault to the outside regains the advantage for Hangman as he follows up with a diving crossbody and sliding lariat, Hardy escapes the Deadeye to get a neckbreaker and then a powerbomb. Hangman counters the Twist of Fate into the Deadeye but Private Party (in ‘Civilian Clothes’) distract the ref to buy Matt time to recover, Hangman decides to take out both men on the sides, he goes for the Buckshot but lands into a Side Effect and Twist of Fate at 2. Shocked, Hardy motions for Private Party to get involved, but Dark Order swarm in to stop them, Hardy clubs Hangman on the apron but the Dark Order catch him and pull him back up for the Buckshot, that lands the 3 count. Hangman has his hand raised as Dark order applaud him, Hangman then walks in to hug the stable, toasting a beer given to him by Colt Cabana.

It was a good match, expected TH2 to also interfere but I guess they didn’t want the match to go on too long. The core purpose of the match was good: Hangman has turned a curve, he’s no longer being manipulated and he has friends in the Dark Order to support him. Where Hardy goes now he’s ‘Broke’ will be an interesting route, perhaps he will have to invest a little wiser or be met with people coming to collect checks he could no longer cash in.

Face of the Revolution Ladder Match Scorpio Sky def. Cody Rhodes (w/ Arn Anderson), Max Caster, Penta El 0M, Lance Archer (w/ Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts) and Ethan Page AEW went very tongue and cheek by making the prize be a literal Brass Ring, JR even making a joke about it as Sonic the Hedgehog memes hit the internet. Caster started with a rap to get the crowd involved, Archer came in and decked someone at ringside, Sky and Penta had normal entrances while Cody pyro’d it up as the camera panned to Jade Cargill and Red Velvet either side and Archer climbing the apron to stare Cody down. All Ego became All Elite as Ethan Page appeared with a decent pop with a huge smile on his face and a name plate that showed his veteran and championship experience.

The match kicked off all around with the main focus on Archer and Cody renewing their TNT rivalries, Archer was the first to throw a ladder into Scorpio Sky and Page, but ate a Superkick and Slingblade by Penta, Penta then got German Suplexed by Sky before Caster took him out. Caster calls for Jack Evans to bring the Boombox that won him his qualifier but Evans is intercepted by 10 and flattened with a spinebuster, 10 doesn’t collect the Boombox though as he leaves which he will use on Page and Cody - after the two took out Archer but then fought each other. Penta took out Caster and Cody by using the Ladder as a ramp for a senton but Archer then kicks him out, Page cutters and crushes Archer under the ladder, escaping Sky’s TKO to drop Sky on the ladder while Archer was sandwiched between it. Page tries to trap Archer under the ladder but Archer powers it to a slope allowing Penta to backstab Page, Penta then Destroyer’s Cody on a ladder laid on the ring and railing, the match selling Cody’s injured shoulder and take him away from the ring while Caster and Sky tussle to climb the ladder. Caster picks a taller ladder for the high ground but are met by Page and Archer. Sky is the last man on the ladder but Penta pulls him down, his showboating costs him though as Sky recovers, biting his head and pulling Penta down with a neckbreaker. Page and Caster then tussle at the top but Caster pulls Page down with a messy sunset bomb, Sky cracks Caster with a frog splash on the ladder but crosses Archer, Sky almost uses Archer’s launchpad to climb the ladder but is pulled down, he goes for the turnbuckle but is pushed down and sent through another ladder laid on the railing and apron. Penta comes into a hot streak in taking down the remaining four men, but All Ego rakes Penta’s eye to get him off the ladder. Cody then staggers back to the ramp, whipping his opponents with his weight belt with a wincing crack, hurting his arm to land a Cross Rhodes on Page. Cody looks to set up a ladder dive but meets a Suplex by Archer and a Claim to Fame Elbow Drop by Caster. Caster and Penta climb the tall ladder but Archer knocks the ladder down, chokeslamming everything that moves and dropping Caster on a ladder with a Black Out. As Archer makes the climb, Page attacks but Archer no sells it and shoves Page away, Page low blows Archer then hits the Razor’s Edge but then Jake the Snake comes in and hits him with a Short-Arm Clothesline to a big pop before Penta wipes the legend out. Cody kinda messes up the cutter on Penta, giving Penta time to use a Steel Chair on his arm, as he climbs though Sky uses the chair on Penta’s ankle. Sky and Cody climb and trade blows, Sky yanks the injured shoulder, talks smack to Cody before pushing his face off the ladder. With nobody to oppose, Sky grabs the Brass Ring to be the Face of the Revolution.

It may not be AEW’s best ladder match, but it was still highly entertaining. Ethan Page was a good surprise entrant and Cody really did play us with his John Cena threatening rally. Caster also impressed a lot given the circumstances and this darker more heelish Scorpio Sky will be interesting to see as he faces Darby Allin.

Hall of Fame-Worthy Signing is: Christian Cage WWE stole Ben Carter from AEW, so AEW stole Christian from WWE. His new mantra of ‘Out Work Everyone’ is made official as Christian came in, posed, signed a contract and left. It got a big pop from the fans and it was definitely Hall of Fame worthy. I’m not gonna let it upset me that I had hoped for Minoru Suzuki because there is still a Forbidden Door being opened, Christian still has it and we will have to wait and see how AEW use him.

Street Fight Sting & Darby Allin def. Team Tazz [Brian Cage & Ricky Starks] - Pinfall on Starks by Sting via a Scorpion Death Drop I will preface if you didn’t expect the Street Fight to be cinematic then you were pretty blind, Sting can take bumps but AEW are not going to throw caution into the wind with him. Tazz joined commentary to be grilled by JR and Tony as the match faded into an ‘Undisclosed Location’. There were some really nice Lucha Underground-esque transitions and filmwork as Cage and Starks travelled to a boiler room ring while Darby’s entrance was met with Sting-wearing hoodlums and both men travelling to the location - Darby skating onto Sting’s truck to enter at the same time. Cage quickly dominated from the start, dumping Darby and then wasting the ‘Hoodlums’ while Starks pressed Sting against the corner. Darby tried to fight back but Cage dragged Darby around. Sting regained control with a Stinger Splash and Snake Eyes but Darby was thrown through doors as Tazz talked up his boys noting how if Darby can’t compete he’ll have to relinquish his title. Starks and Sting eventually leave the ring and Sting goes straight for the bat, Starks goading the Icon to discard the bat but still gets clubbed and kicked into the brick wall, leaving Starks to search for Cage and Darby. Cage though is going upstairs, carrying Darby in a vertical suplex position while he goes up the stairs and dumping him on a trash can. Sting though arrives to work the numbers advantage, Starks then comes back though, hitting Sting with a pipe and an oil drum, String hurts Starks’ knee by opening a drawer on it and Starks is laid out by Cage’s accidental chair shot. Cage continues to fend off the duo for a bit before being hit by a Fire Extinguisher and a glass before slammed into the table, Starks then uses the 2x4 and focuses on Allin, Darby fights back though, climbing a beam to do a Coffin Drop. However, an Orange Masked man comes in and slams Allin against the beam: Powerhouse Hobbs reminding the duo that Team Tazz do have the numbers advantage as Hook also joins the fight. Sting and Cage both get up to tussle, Sting being driven against a beam as all of Team Tazz sans Starks deal with Darby, swinging him into a window frame before then aiming for Sting. Sting narrows the path to avoid the onslaught, Allin recovering to throw Sting his bat from the upper floors. The Icon goes to town, snapping the bat over Cage’s back and moving to a Shovel, Allin then does a massive elbow drop through Cage as Starks and Sting return to the ring. Starks almost gets the Stinger by baiting his Stinger Splash into an exposed turnbuckle, a spear hits two! Starks tries what looks like a prep for a buckle bomb but Sting rolls out at 2, Sting then hits the Scorpion Death Drop and that is 3. Sting stares down the camera as Tazz leaves commentary in a huff.

In terms of brutality it was a lovely street fight, the finale was a bit abrupt though. Hobbs and Hook kinda disappeared and it was a bit annoying that a ‘Street Fight’ ended in a ring. Props though to cinematography, Sting did not seem uncomfortable and there were some strong spots, Brian Cage looking excellent as well. Allin will look to Scorpio Sky to defend his title and hopefully Team Tazz can find a new target to get their momentum back.

AEW Dynamite Card As a result of the current matches on Revolution 3 matches were announced; Sky and Allin will face this Wednesday for the title, on top of that Matt Jackson will take on Rey Fénix in a build to their tag title match and Shida, Mizunami and Rosa will team to fight Baker, Itoh and Rebel - I guess we’ll be seeing Itoh-chan very soon huh? Nyla noticeably absent though - in six woman tag action, on top of that was the Inner Circle War Council.

AEW World Championship - Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch Kenny Omega (w/ Don Callis) def. Jon Moxley - Pinfall via One Winged Angel Okay. Here we go. The ‘Moxley Extermination Contraption’ looked as classic as an Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch could look as both men gingerly scouted the ring. Mox was wearing an unusually clean leather studded jacket which Excalibur clarified was a shout out to Onita. Omega’s entrance ditched the dancers (rip to Shida’s bestie) as his entrance video emphasized Kenny holding aloft the world title to get in Moxley’s head. Bryce Remsburg himself was dressed like he was in a COVID treatment camp with the visor, gloves and full body suit, well-prepared for the dangers surrounding him. Hindsight would bring a bad omen to Don Callis as he talked about how ‘carefully designed’ the ring was rigged with explosives and building up the 30 minute countdown, he at the very least got a good line with ‘Gentlemen it’s a good day to die here at Revolution’.

Kenny and Mox sought for the same tactic: push someone face first into the exploding barbed wire. Each men having inch close counters and escapes to avoid the barbed wire, Moxley brought the weapons left outside the ring and head to the ramp to punish Omega with the Barbed Wire Bat and Kendo Stick, Kenny however Blinded Moxley with powder and tossed Moxley into the explosive wire. For my money of what I’ve seen, the explosions were a little tame - though I can understand why for safety. Rattled and twitching, Moxley still kicked out at 2, forcing Kenny to punish him further with a Kendo Stick and trash can to focus on the knee. Kotaro Crusher on the trash can busted Moxley’s head open for 2 so Kenny tries a Figure Four, Moxley though grinds a barbed wire steel chair onto Kenny’s leg and hand, cutting Kenny’s hand open and breaking the hold. Kenny tries the Snap Dragon but Moxley evades, but gets thrown into one of the barbed wire boards on the turnbuckles. Excalibur continuing to be on fire with the quip of a ‘barbed wire halo’ as the bloodied face of Moxley displays and Bryce Remsburg enters perpetual cringe. Kenny is next to taste the explosives though as his Figure Four attempt is kicked away and launches him chest first into the ropes, a shotgun dropkick sends him back first into it for a second go, Moxley pulls out an Exploder, sets Kenny up for another Barbed Wire board, Kenny wriggles to set up the Snap Dragon but Moxley reverses into another pump handle exploder into the board. Moxley nearly blinded by his own blood calls for the Death Rider on the Wired Chair, but Omega sets up the One Winged Angel, Moxley German Suplexes him out and dumps Omega on the chair with a Sidewalk Slam, the wire sticking to Omega’s jeans. Moxley calls to his I Quit Match with Kingston and wraps some wire around his arm, he misses the Lariat and gets hit with one Snap Dragon Suplex, Kenny hits another but Moxley gets back up, V-Trigger blocks the second Barbed Wire Lariat attempt but not the third at the halfway mark.

Omega throws huge caution into the wind by escaping the Paradigm Shift and pushing Moxley and himself into the exploding ropes, his vision affected as he asks Remsburg for water to clean his eyes - it seems to be a worked one though or at least dust. Jabs are shared on the apron between the wired ropes and one of the ‘Triple Hell’ wired boards, Moxley gets advantage and hits the Paradigm Shift onto the boards, however, Omega merely bounced off of it while Moxley is firmly stuck inside the board. As Moxley painfully unhinges himself from the board he pulls out more wire - Kenny also wearing a crimson mask - as he batters Omega in the head. A noise alarms Moxley of time running out, he does the Cactus Piledriver for 2 twice, Omega hits the Low Blow and the Powerbomb for 2, Two V-Triggers on the corner and then the One Winged Angel, 1, 2,

BANG!

Moxley kicked the rope to trigger the explosion, blinding Omega and breaking the count. Moxley has the barbed wire bat but the Good Brothers rush in, as Moxley wails on Gallows, Kenny is handed his own Barbed wire bat, he swings for Moxley and 

BANG! 

the bat itself is charged too! 1, 2, NO! The Good Borthers set up a regular chair, Omega drops him with the One Winged Angel and gets the three.

Omega celebrates but Don reminds them of the countdown, the trio handcuff Moxley’s hands as the hard cam continues to miss Omega’s smack talking. Kenny brutalizes a defenseless Moxley with the non-charged wire baseball bat as the 1 minute warning is issued. Kenny celebrates but Kingston rushes in - against the advice of the Butcher, Blade and Bunny. Kingston tries to break the cuffs but has no time, he tries to drag Moxley but has no time, he takes one last look at Moxley’s face and covers his body over his friend and rival and

Fizzle.

Mostly just a limp pyro show. A heartbreaking technical error which was met with boos as the PPV goes from A+ to A-/B+ simply by this one moment. It hurts to look at, but I think the worst part is that Kingston - being the kayfabe professional he is - sold it. Had he simply got up and had Kenny come out with a ‘gotcha’ it could’ve been salvaged but alas, the PPV ends in a whimper.

The match itself was great though, brutal and bloody, the explosions were a bit small but as I said, I can understand why. The lack of the big explosive finish will be a huge damper on it even with AEW’s attempts to take it on the chin and try and salvage it, if I were TK though I probably would book the next Dynamite to still have the ring rigged - noting that only Kenny and Callis knew how to wire and unwire it, that way we can still have a Chekov’s gun and have it potentially blow at any time during the next Dynamite, we pass off Kingston’s selling with a promo from him saying he had accepted death to save his friend and passed out from it and we either have Kingston, Moxley or maybe even Callis get caught in the ring actually blowing, like have Kenny on the tron pull a killswitch or have Callis think he defused it only to do the opposite. Looking ahead though this does imply that Moxley won’t completely disappear from AEW just yet, he still has the IWGP US title to drop before he goes on paternity leave, he will certainly be sleeping on the couch until the baby comes though XD On top of that we’ve neatly set up Kenny’s next challenger in Kingston, who is not a bad shout at all given that he won Match and Feud of the Year for WON last year.

Conclusion Had the explosion gone off proper, this would be A+ for sure, but given how that was literally the last hurrah built up so much on a highly anticipated bout, I have to give it an A- as a PPV. All memes and criticism aside for that one singular moment the rest of the PPV was amazing. Maki Itoh got double the surprise presence as well as a BTE cameo and is booked for Dynamite to steamroll an amazing debut run, Brian Cage and Lance Archer looked like absolute beasts in spite of defeat (Moxley too), Death Triangle are back in a title picture, Jungle Boy continues to amaze, Shida puts on another banger, Hangman’s slow rise to potentially usurping Omega has begun, Sting entertained in a safe manner, Scorpio Sky returns in a big way, the Bucks retained in a fiery opener and Miro was on a tear essentially squashing Chuck Taylor to get back on track. Not to mention debuts for Christian Cage and Ethan Page (more Cages and Pages, what happens if Brian and Adam face Christian and Ethan? I'm still waiting for Kong vs Kong)

On top of that we give huge props to Excalibur and Tony for essentially carrying the commentary with their knowledge and timing while JR had some voice troubles and Tony Khan for promoting this PPV to be trending worldwide for literal days

My favourite match has to be narrowly the Main Event, it just pips the Women’s title match because of its sold brutality, and I’m not really counting the post-match stuff from it. Nobody wrestled poorly in the entire show as well so aside from one big technical blemish, it was a strong ass show and all the shortcomings it had can easily be bounced back from.

Needs a lil’ more TH2 though...

[grapsandclaps]

Ladies and Gentleman, my name is not @oggypart3, and I do not have the (greatest) Clap (in the business)...but I am @KingGazOfMadine (I am not Raymond Rowe) and I am here to bring you a round up of show Number 55.5 in #the80ShowYear (Andy's show number 55.5 by the way. I'm only on 34)

PROGRESS Chapter 52: Vote Pies was a show that was originally not on the Wrestling Schedule for us Manchester fans, so 4/5 of British Wrong Style (Andy / Geoff Ogden, Chris Linay and Ben Corrigan) along with top Pigeon Fan Shauna Askew made the decision to book tickets to go and see Tidal Wrestling, across the penines in Leeds (You can read Andy's review of that show right here, at Graps and Claps *cheap pop*) and therefore once the show was announced, had to miss the event.  For me personally, I've never been to a Tidal show or watched any of their shows, and had made the decision to take a weekend off until the PROGRESS announcement, so I was all in for this event. Must admit, it was a bit odd to be at a show without the others. I think of all the shows I've been to this year, only ATTACK in Cardiff I've done without any combination of Andy / Geoff / Shauna / Chris / Ben

Now then, unlike Andy, I did not make an early start for this show to take in some fine ales beforehand. No, my decision was to stay at home and watch Day 5 of the 27th annual G1 tournament in New Japan (should point out here, Tesco had a cracking deal on 6 cans of Dr Pepper for £1.77 which I had picked up the day before, so my choice of drink for the G1 was Dr Pepper coming in at approximately 30p per can. We may be living in Tory Britain, but you can still find a bargain when you try), and then jump on the #GrapsBus at around 1pm for a show thats doors opened at 1.30pm. I arrived in town a little before 2pm and did have time to meet up with t-shirt designer to the stars and future wrestling superstar (HOWAY) Jimmy Nailz at the regular Wetherspoons on Oxford Road. £1.99 for a large Lemonade, and I was good to go and ready for the show, but not before conversations on whether soup should be classed as an actual meal or not, and apparently certain sectors of Mormons aren't allowed hot drinks. Not because of caffeine (which apparently some Mormons are not allowed) but just because of the temperature. So like, they can have a cup of coffee / tea but only after it's cooled down. Please don't take this as fact and quote me on this, but that was what I learned yesterday and have done 0 research into it's validity, but will pass it off as legit if ever needed.

On to the show. Before the regular Darth Vader / Drake intro, we were told over the microphone there would be one last song before this, which was a Linkin Park track, dedicated to Chester Bennington who had unfortunately passed away a few days prior to this. Following this, we got the regular Jim Smallman intro (Hiya - We Sold Out - It's Your Round - 7 matches, 4 in the first half, 3 in the second) but were then introduced to a fan that had apparently made a bet with Jim that the Manchester show wouldn't sell out as quick as usual (Odd bet to make?) and because Jim had lost (Who bets against their own team!?) said fan was allowed in the ring to have his photo taken with Jim (This is an odd bet to make. Just go and ask Jim for a photo before the show starts when he's walking around the ring. He's a nice chap and will more than likely say "Yes") at which point Jim asks said fans girlfriend to come into the ring to take the photo. Jim and fan prepare for photo, fans missus gets camera out...BUT WAIT...the fan is down on one knee and has pulled an engagement ring outta nowhere (Ok, that's why this all seemed so ridiculous...Jim didn't bet against his own company!!!) and he's asked his missus to marry him. She's in a wrestling ring, with 700 of us watching, she literally has no chance of saying No, and thus she says....YES!!!! Cheers aplenty, now get out of the ring and enjoy the first 3 hours of your engagement surrounded by people who want to call Zach Gibson a Scouse Bastard.

Should also note here that the ring looked a bit low, and as we were discussing this, it was pointed out that T-Bone was on the show, and this was in fact T-Bone's ring (more to this later). Plus, pint of Lemonade here at the venue was £3.50. Not sure what kind of Lemonade they have at The Ritz for it to cost an extra £1.51 over Wetherspoons Lemonade, but it didn't taste that much better. That's Tory Britain for you (Cheers Andy)

Now to the wrestling....or is it...? Turns out there are balloons in the ring, and some "Happy Birthday" signs up, and out first is El Ligero, with 2 birthday hats hanging from his horns. Turns out it's Dave Mastiff's birthday, and as he still doesn't have any entrance music (or at least not any that can be shown on the WWE Network, for just £9.99 a month), the Bastard comes out to 700 of us singing Happy Birthday (no trombone this time Andy, sorry about that). Out come their opponents for the night Extra Talent(ed) and the super over, merchandise machines #CCK We get the introductions out of the way, and then it turns out one of the Extra Talent(ed) lads has a birthday card for Mastiff. Jim reads it out as "Dear Dave, Happy Birthday, from Jeff Jarrett and everyone at ITV Wrestling" at which point Mastiff cleans house with German Suplexes aplenty, including German Suplexing Kid Lykos over the top rope into Chris Brookes and the Extra Talent(ed) lads. This 3 way Tag Match included a grand total of 0 tags, and was just all action from start to finish, but included a few botched moments including Lykos pulling down the top rope for one of the Extra Talent(ed) lads to go over, only for him to still fall out of the ring between the top and middle rope, and the same lad receiving the Brookes assisted Code-Breaker, and then not staying in place for Brookes to senton him...but Brookes did it anyway coz he's Chris fuckin Brookes and he can do what he wants. Talking of which, Chris Brookes hit a knee on one of the Extra Talent(ed) lads and a kick on the other, in totally seperate moments, and both of them made me think that Extra Talent(ed) maybe owe him money or something.  The ending happened, not entirely sure what happened, but #CCK won, Roberts called for the bell and said he'd counted 3, the bell never came, Jim's mic was turned off so he couldn't announce the winners, and some people were trying to continue the match. Not sure what was supposed to happen, but #CCK got the win, and then Chris Brookes said they didn't want a win like that, and challenged Extra Talent(ed) to another match next week in Camden. Kid Lykos got the mic and was ready to tell them what he thought, but Brookes took the mic off him and told him to "Shut the fuck up Lykos"

Next up we had Mike Bird vs T-Bone in some big lads wrestling. Big Lads as in guys who actually weigh over the weight limit for the Atlas title and not David Starr or Fred Yehi. Talking of David Starr, question for you. If David Starr wins a match, and neither me or Andy sees this match, did David Starr still win a match? For me, it's a no, and old Canvasback Dave remains winless. Anyway, Bird and Bone started off quite tasty with them getting in each others face during the intros, and then a bit of pushing and shoving until T-Bone gave Bird a lovely looking headbutt. This was standard 2 big lads beating each other up, but the crowd was a bit quiet for it. Most local fans obviously know T-Bone from the likes of FutureShock, PCW and GPW and were getting behind him, and there was the odd Ginger Jesus chant too, but I don't know if it was the awkward finish of the last match, but the crowd weren't too into this one. I even tried to get an Ogden special clap going but that died on it's arse. T-Bone ended up the victor, and personally, I'm hoping we get a T-Bone vs Walter match for the Atlas title at some point. T-Bone did only lose 1 match during the Atlas Division series, and that just happened to be a Semi-Final match unfortunately.

Toni Storm was up next defending the PROGRESS Womens title against Laura Di Matteo. Again, this seemed to start with quite a flat crowd, but we were treated to a decent match that finally woke the crowd up and got everyone going. There was quite some chanting on behalf of Laura Di Matteo, which is quite surprising really. One, becuase Toni Storm is absolutely ace, and two, because Laura Di Matteo is obviosuly very talented in the ring, but post-Jinny feud (is that feud actually over?) there really isn't anything there with Laura Di Matteo to care about, other than the fact she's one of the ones who come up from the ProJo. She just doesn't seem to connect, and I'd happily listen to any of her fans to tell me what it is that makes them get behind her. Cracking match though between these 2, and Toni got the win following her Piledriver she's been using lately.  Laura was visibly in tears outside the ring afterwards, not sure if that's gonna set up a storyline or something with her?

Onto the first half Main Event, which was 2 blokes I've heard of vaguely recently. Travis Banks vs Matthew Riddle.  2 of the absolute best right now, and these 2 did not disappoint. Riddle came out first, cool as fuck as always, and then Trav came out second and he was ready to scrap, getting right in Riddles face before the intros had even begun. These 2 chopped, kicked and suplexed each other like there was no tomorrow. Thought Riddle would still be recovering his chest after what Walter did to him in Birmingham, but nope, there were chops a plenty. I can imagine these 2 having a much better match than the one they put on here, but this was still a really good match and one to look out for on Demand. At one point it was like watching Kane vs Undertaker at Wrestlemania, when Matt Riddle kicked out of a "Tombstone" at 1, grabbed Travis, hit him with a jumping "Tombstone" at which point Trav kicked out at 2. Had to point out here that moves where you get dropped on your head are a lot less effective in 2017 than moves where you have to slap your knee for effect. However, neither Travs or Riddles tombstones actually drop the opponent on their head, therefore making them even less effective. Finish to this match came when Pete Dunne made an appearance on the rampway to distract Trav, and Riddle managed to hit Banks with a jumping knee when he returned his focus to the match, but was at this point out for the count.

Half time break, and due to arriving at the venue late, this was the perfect time to pick up that sweet new #CCK merch. Turns out I could now go 6 of the 7 days of the week wearing a different #CCK / Chris Brookes t-shirt. #CCK literally becoming the UK Young Bucks.

Second half of the show brought us a 4 way match between No Fun Chief Deputy Dunne, Scouse Bastard Zach Gibson, Ben's Favourite Chuck Mambo and Shauna's Number 1 Heel Jack Sexsmith. Match started with introductions for Sexsmith and Mambo, only for Chief Deputy Dunne to take over microphone duties and inform us that as long as we don't have fun, we won't get hurt. Gibson took the microphone from Dunne here though, and did his usual schtick, ending with how he is the Premier Wrestling talent in England, and he's in a match with a surfer, a policeman and an absolute joke. This was a fun 4 way, nothing to really shout about, but still enjoyable. Sexsmith picked up the win with a cheekly roll up on Gibson, meaning Sexsmith has beaten Gibson here and at Super Strong Style now.

Next up was PROGRESS Champion Pete Dunne going against Eddie Dennis, who has got himself some new shorts to go with his full time schedule.  I liked them personally. As for the match, this was an absolute cracker of a match.  The longer it went on, the better it got, and I started to get the impression that maybe Pete Dunne would lose via DQ, therefore having to defend his title agsinst Eddie in a second match. Unfortunately, it did not go this way. Eddie had Pete Dunne pinned for the 3 count following the NEXT STOP DRIVER!!!!! but unfortunately Joel was down at this point and did not make the count. Peter rolled out the ring, and as Eddie followed him got blasted by Peter's Sledgehammer (I thought these were only kept under WWE rings...?) rolled back into the ring, Pedigree and then The Bitter End, for Peter to pick up the win. Talking point here though was Eddie Dennis looking absolutely phenomenal. He's always been good when I've seen him, but having recently gone full time, he's got a lot more serious and looks a lot better for it.

Main Event time gave us British Strong Styles Tyler Bate and Trent Seven defending their PROGRESS Tag Team titles against current IWGP Heavyweight Tag Champions, War Machine (I am in no way related to Raymond Rowe by the way). Following the introductions, Jim declared that he was making this match a Tornado Tag Rules match. If you've never seen War Machine wrestle in PROGRESS before, then you were in for a treat without knowing it, however if you have seen War Machine in PROGRESS before, then you knew this was gonna be awesome...and it was. Match started with War Machine offering the code of honor handshake, BSS doing the Triple H, but turning and spitting it in War Machines eyes and then mockingly shaking their opponents hands, only for War Machine to hold on, and beat the piss out of the 2 of them. This match was everything you'd expect from a War Machine match. Don't think it was as good as the London Riots match from Birmingham a few weeks ago, but still a cracker and up there as Match of the Night for this show. They wrecked the joint throwing their opponents into the ringside chairs, along with being thrown themselves. At one point Tyler Bate and Ray Rowe were wrestling in the crowd right next to us. Tyler hit Rowe, and then proceded to do his best Karate stance and declared himself Bruce Lee. If you want to see the video of this, look up Ian Crompton on Twitter (@iancrompton89) and ask him to share his video. Also, Tyler Bate managed to squat Hanson. Like that shouldn't even be a surprise anymore that Tyler is freakishly strong, but it still is amazing. Now then, earlier I mentioned how the ring in use was T-Bones ring. During this match, I noticed T-Bone up on the balcony watching the match. However, what I also noticed was that when Trent and Tyler did a double Superplex from the top rope to Hanson, Chris Brooker was up there too, putting a hand on T-Bone's shoulder as if to say "It's ok. You're ring survived it. It's going to live another day". BSS got the win in this match, when Trent hit the pedigree on to Hanson (I think) on top of the IWGP tag title. War Machine gave a post match speech about being disappointed they weren't raising the PROGRESS Tag Titles, and how they've wrestled everywhere but we are the craziest fans they've ever known. Standard really.

Post-Show, it was fuckin pissing down and I'd only gone and decided today was a good day to come in just shorts and t-shirt. Headed back over to Wetherspoons with Jimmy Nailz and Dave Hackney (JHFC represent!) to grab some food (Chilli Dog and Lemonade for £6.99, but could also go for an alcoholic beverage instead for £7.99 if that's what you prefer) and talk about the show. As we were finishing up, Matt Riddle casually strolls into Wetherspoons, cool as fuck (as always) and with around 50% of the Wetherspoons audience having all just come from the show, suddenly Wetherspoons broke into "BRO! BRO! BRO!" chants, with Matt Riddle looking absolutely happy as larry, looking around and smiling at everyone, and other customers just not having a clue what was going on. Following this, it was home time on the 38 bus back to Little Hulton, and was back home for 9pm

Apologies that there's no puns in this one. I'm not on Andy's level for this. But I would like to finish by saying it was really nice to go to a wrestling show to see good friends and also some wrestling, without a fuckin toy pigeon in sight.

#grapsandclaps

[thoseguysontheradio]

MT: WWE Monday Night RAW (4/17/17) Review!

Whatever happened to Roman Reigns? Is Braun Strauman going to fight everyone? Is Kurt Angle still technically the General Manager? Read on to find out in this edition of "Matt Talk!"

Braun talks about ft. Kurt Angle

This was needed more than I thought it was. Kurt Angle needed this moment, because up until this point, he's been behind the scenes, and hasn't done much. Other than making a few matches here and there, he really hasn't added much to RAW. I know some people don't want him getting as involved as Foley did, and I definitely don't want him to turn into "The Authority", but why have a GM character if he isn't going to play any role in day to day match making? This was a good call on their part. I can't wait to see what face Angle is going to do.

Chris Jericho vs Samoa Joe ft. Rollins on Commentary

Its great to see Jericho still around. Obviously, he wasn't leaving the second they announced his rematch with Kevin Owens, but I'm sure this is a dream match that a lot of people are able to scratch off their bucket list. The only two problems with this match is a small botch by Jericho, and Rollins' commentary. The botch was problematic because Joe ended giving Jericho an unintended leg drop when Jericho was supposed to dodge a top rope senton. The reason why Rollins' commentary wasn't the best addition to the match was because we either had commentary focusing too much on his feud with Joe, or he clammed up for most of it. When he did speak, it didn't have a personality or fire to it. I wouldn't say he's bad at commentary, but Rollins' promo afterwards definitely made up for this.

After Joe picked up the win off Jericho, his promo to Rollins was a much needed addition to this feud. We understand why Rollins wants to fight Joe, but not why Joe would want to retaliate. He likes to hurt people, sure, but why not ignore Rollins and move on to someone else? Keeping him as a "hitman" even with Triple H is a smart way of writing him, and it could also mean that other people can hire him in the future.

ELIAS SAMSON SIGHTING #2

The "Drifter" known as Elias Samson was seen playing a guitar near former WWE RAW Tag Team Champions, "The Club."

Braun Strauman beats up fun-loving tag team

He beat up The Golden Truth. There's not much else to say, other than it hurt. A lot.

"Grrrrrrr! I said, 'Everyone!'" -Braun Strauman, 2017

The Club vs Enzo & Cass

Apparently, Strauman beat up The Club's opponents for tonight. I'm always the first one to defend the Brand Split, because both RAW and Smackdown are stacked with talent, both new and old, that have an opportunity to bring a lot of depth to both rosters. Sadly, this is not one of those times. I don't think these four have ever had a bad match with each other, but they've had a lot of matches in recent memory.

And to top it all off, it seems as if one half of the Revival was injured at a house show, and will be out for two months.

Miz TV ft. Ambrose

This os exactly what Ambrose needed. WWE has this problem where they give Superstars whatever title it may be, and they stop giving them promo time completely. Whoever's challenging the champ obviously needs their time to shine, but it definitely hurts face champions in the long run. The characteristics and promos that got crowds invested in these Superstars in the first place seem like they are tossed aside because, "They are the Champ!" This promo solidifyed Ambrose as the Intercontinental Champion.

But let's not take anything away from The Miz, either. I mentioned that this feud happened just last year on Smackdown, yet he is able to make this feud feel fresh and new. Having him be the pursuer, yet acting like he's already the Champion, adds a great layer to what could have been a very stale Smackdown rehash.

Braun Strauman assaults masked individual ft. Big Show

This is one of the worst things you can do to newer talent, and to your Cruiserweight Division. I understand that it sounds like I'm speaking in hyperbole, so let me explain. Braun and Kalisto are both newer talent, but Kalisto is specifically new to RAW, due to the Superstar Shakeup. As all of us can tell, he's a smaller guy. So rumors suggest he's on his way to the Cruiserweight Division. He's been on the house show circuit lately, so a move to RAW looks like it would revitilize his main roster career. Especially if he joins 205 Live. However, how is he going to look on 205 Live, after getting decimated and thrown into the garbage by Strauman? How are the Cruiserweights going to look? You can't build a division and act like they're just like everyone else, when one of the members of said division gets rag dolled by Strauman, even if he is monstrous.

TJ Perkins vs Jack Gallagher ft. Neville and Aries

This match wasn't as good as their showing on 205 Live, but its still a great way to show a wider audience a heel TJ Perkins. While the match itself had both performing going at it in a very Cruiserweight fashion, it devolved into exactly what we saw coming once we had Aries and Neville sitting ringside. Thankfully, Perkins won via cheating, and while I love Gallagher, this can continue their feud, where Gallagher hopefully wins, at Payback.

Titus™ Brand tries to recruit Apollo Crews

While I'm not the biggest fan of Titus' inring style, I am a big fan of the current character Titus is playing. However, I don't think this would be a good first feud for Crews on RAW. Titus' charisma can potentially bring out some hidden charisma from Crews, but I would say the crowd will only care if he looks good in the ring. It might have been better to put him up against someone who is more of a high flyer.

Sasha Banks vs Alexa Bliss vs Mickie James vs Nia Jax

This is why we needed a Brand Split. The fact that we can have these four women in the spot light, able to challenge Bayley for the title, is simply a delight. While I was a big fan of the match, I'm not sure what to think about the outcome. I love that Bliss cheated to get a chance to go after the title, and I do think that she would be a great villain for Bayley, but I wouldn't want Bliss to win the title too quickly, because it feels like she just lost it on Smackdown. Many of you may have heard me voice my displeasure on something similar happening to Kevin Owens with his win over Jericho at Wrestlemania, so I have to be fair and apply the same train of thought here.

Big Show is in the best shape of his life

Big Show was interviewed by Charly Caruso about his attack on Braun Strauman, and said, "I am in the best shape of my life."

Curt Hawkins Star Factory ft. Finn Balor This is a great way to use Hawkins. Fun, delusional heel who gets beat up. I am usually not a fan of squash matches, because it doesn't showcase a wrestler's abilities. Yes, they beat up someone "really good" and "wow, that was so fast", but it usually makes the wrestler look like they can only do the few moves that they used. Thankfully, Finn is so fast and nimble that it actually looked like he bested Hawkins, instead of seeming limited.

ELIAS SAMSON SIGHTING #3

During a fun Chris Jericho interview with Tom Phillips, Elias Sampson appeared. The promo wasn't needed and was simply a rehashing of last week's... until Samson appeared. We will be bringing you more updates on Samson when he appears.

Bray Wyatt Promo

I am ususally a big fan of Bray Wyatt promos, and I can't say that this one is particularly bad, but coming off the heels of the confusing promo he gave last week, it still feels weird. Bray Wyatt, a RAW superstar, can still challenge Randy Orton for his WWE Title, which is a Smackdown Title, at a RAW PPV... WWE, everyone.

Alicia Fox ft. Dana and Emma

I've said in the past that I have no problem with varied characters in every division. Even if some of them, especially in the women's division, are considered "outdated". I say this because there are people that can act like how WWE has written some of the women throughout the years. This, however, is not excusable. There needs to be a healthy balance in the division, where we don't see characters, especially the women, acting "catty" and like children.

Yes, Fox has had her gimmick for a while, but what they're doing with Dana and Emma is absolutely dreadful. This isn't the BFF's from NXT. Emma can be wreaking so much havok as a heel, but she does something like this, and it makes their feud seem so worthless. I know Emma's face character is a (loveable) dork, but that doesn't mean that her heel character needs to do things like that. She needs to seem like a credible threat, and at this point, its not working.  

Jeff Hardy vs Cesaro

This is a match I never foresaw in my PREMONEETIONS, but its still a reality that I am happy to be a part of. Jeff Hardy seems to have a good spring in his step, and it didn't really seem as if Cesaro had to slow down his general pace to wrestle Jeff. The only issue is Jeff winning. Yes, he is one half of the tag team Champions, and he is a future WWE Hall of Famer making his return to WWE, but I just can't see it happening. If there were some kind of shenanigans, I think it would have made it more believable.

Big Show vs Braun Strauman

If this match hadn't happened already, I'd definitely be behind this. I'm not really a huge fan of hoss matches, but Braun is young, and Big Show has been doing some good work as of late, so it would've been a great novelty match if it were being done for the first time. I do have to say, though, while these two have gone at it before, this may be the best match these two have ever had together, and it made them both look great. Even though the "breaking the ring" spot is something that's been done plenty of times over the years, it hasn't been done in a while, so it still gets a rise out of me. Great way to end the night, and its understandable why this was the main event.

We hope you like this edition of "Matt Talk!" Tune in next time, when Matt Talks about WWE Smackdown LIVE!

[puro-reviewz]

Top Ten NJPW wrestlers who need a new finisher (and my personal replacements)

In NJPW there are a lot of great, impactful finishers, for example: Kazuchika Okada’s Rainmaker, Tetsuya Naito’s Destino, or Kota Ibushi’s Kamigoye.

However, there are some wrestlers who -in my opinion at least- don’t have the most ideal finishing touch to their matches, so without further ado, and in no particular order, here are the top ten New Japan Pro Wrestling wrestlers, who need a new finisher.

10: Tomohiro Ishii (Vertical Brainbuster)

Ishii has an amazing moveset, including some of the most lethal lariats in the business, but for such a violent and dynamic moveset for such a violent and dynamic wrestler, he has quite an underwhelming finisher. the vertical brainbuster when done well, looks absolutely devastating, just watch a Shinya Hashimoto match, but Ishii’s version isn’t the best, the way ishii does his, it looks more like a vertical suplex.

My idea for a replacement: Suplex Piledriver. This was the move he used as a finisher in 2013, with it he beat Hiroshi Tanahashi, and the move itself looks deadly.

9: EVIL (Everything Is Evil STO)

EVIL is arguably the most underrated and underused wrestler in NJPW if not the business as a whole, not only does he deserve a bigger spot in NJPW, i think he should win the heavyweight title or at the very least the G1 trophy, and to compliment such a brilliant wrestler he has a brilliant moveset, featuring a brilliant lariat, a brutal senton, and a lovely thrust kick. however, his finisher, despite being a great move in and of itself ,I’ve always thought it work better as a signiture, since another move in his set that outshines it, and speaking of...

My idea for a replacement: The Darkness Falls, in my opinion one of the coolest moves in wrestling today and every time i see him hit it, I think to myself “that really should’ve ended it, but i don’t really need to tell you this, just look it up on youtube and see for yourself.

8: El Phantasmo (CR II)

The 2019 super J cup winner, former RPW cruiserweight champion, and former IWGP Jr heavyweight Tag Team Champion alongside Taiji Ishimori, The Headbanger, El Phantasmo....... has a fairly underwhelming set of signature moves, with the cherry on top of the meh cake being the CR II, which is essentially Matt Riddle’s Broderek but with even less impact, it’s just.... dull.

My idea for a replacement: The middle rope swinging neckbreaker, it used to just be a standard swinging neckbreaker, which again, boring, but, in the super J cup, he beat dragon lee with a variant where he first did a metalik-esque rope walk before dropping lee to the mat.

7: Dragon Lee (Desnucadora)

One of the best Luchadors going today, dragon lee is arguably the most exciting wrestler to watch in all of new japan, his high flying and hard striking hybrid style is amazing to watch, so for me at least, the desnucadora, a vertical suplex sitout powerbomb thing, really doesn’t compliment his style all that well.

My idea for a replacement: The Rodilla Dragon

This is a bicycle knee, that lee removes his knee pad for, and executes viciously, it perfectly compliments the Lucha Libre/Strong Style hybrid that dragon lee is.

6: Tama Tonga (Gun Stun)

A true Bullet Club OG, Tama has been in the stable since its inception, and himself has a surprisingly varied moveset, and the Gun Stun, cutter, diamond cutter, ace crusher, RKO whatever you wanna call it is one of the best finishers in the business, but since another bullet club founder who has almost always used the gun stun, Karl Anderson will be returning to njpw sooner rather than later, it’s time for Tama to start once again using his patented.....

My idea for a replacement: the jumping DDT

His old finisher back when Anderson was still around and just after he left, this is the move that had him beat Hiroshi god damn Tanahashi in the G1 26, so it’s fairly protected as well.

5: David Finlay (Prima Nocta)

The son of one of the best brawlers around, fit Finlay, David obviously had some big shoes to fill, and so far, unfortunately he hasn’t been able to, partially due to a very weak moveset and a frankly boring style, worst of all his finisher the prima nocta, which is just a stunner, not really befitting of such a legacy in my opinion.

My idea for a replacement: the lumbar check

What can I say everyone loves a lumbar check, and the move fits the finisher mould much better, now Finlay just has to create a gimmick.

4: Chase Owens (package piledriver)

The “crown jewel” of bullet club and potentially the worst non young lion wrestler in Njpw, it still baffles me that he still has any kind of spotlight on him despite his minimal improvement over the years, in my opinion he does not need, nor deserve the package piledriver as his finisher, especially when there is a much more talented wrestler using a very similar finisher, in SHO, I don’t hate Chase but in my opinion he either should have A. Become a young lion, or B. Stayed in NWA for a bit longer.

My idea for a replacement: the last shot

Perhaps one of the only moves Chase can do very very well is this running inside knee, so I believe he should be going for this as a finish.

3: Mikey Nicholls (Mikey Bomb)

The Newest member of CHAOS, and a former half of TMDK/61 with Shane Thorne, Mikey has a fairly good moveset with a good finisher, but he has one other move in his set that is better in my opinion.

My idea for a replacement: the shooting star press

Because if you can do a shooting star press, you should.

2: Toa Henare

The perpetually underused Henare, the Kiwi native has an amazing look, a great personality, and a hard hitting moveset that makes him a shoe in for NEVER openweight champ, but gets continually snubbed from not only NEVER title matches, but also G1 climaxes, and some of that may be due to his 2 weak finishers, a superman punch and a side slam, neither of those scream “Finisher” to me.

My idea for a replacement: the spinning spinebuster

Perhaps the best move in his set, Henare can deliver this spinebuster with a sickening amount of strength and precision that reminds you of Arn Anderson’s legendary finish, it’s clearly his best move, and hopefully we get to see it help him win the NEVER belt.

1: Tomoaki Honma (Kokeshi Headbutt)

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HONMA STOP TRYING TO MURDER YOURSELF WITH A MOVE THAT THE CREATOR REGRETS CREATING, the diving headbutt has caused serious medical issues for everyone who has ever used it, Harley Race, the creator, is dead, Dynamite kid is now in a wheelchair, Chris Benoit is Chris Benoit, Daniel bryan needed neck surgery after using it, honma himself broke his own neck doing it a few years back, just, please stop using it, please.

My idea for a replacement: LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE

Alright thanks for reading you lot now get lost

[thecompostpile]

Night Five of 31 Night of Hallowicked

Night 5

Hallowicked vs Chris Hero

Ring of Honor-Hartford, CT

8/24/07

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gxdm85doHV8&t=411s

A lot of the matches I have reviewed can’t be watched unless you have Chikaratopia. So I went looking on youtube to find something everyone could watch. Chikara’s youtube page posts a new match once a week and there are tons of matches that can be a real great introduction to the wackiness that is Chikara. I am going to try and review at least one match a week that is on youtube so anyone can watch it. However, I found this match while searching and couldn’t help but review it.

It is Chris Hero vs Hallowicked in my home state of Connecticut for a Ring of Honor dvd taping in 2007. I am a relatively new wrestling fan, I watched WWE and Impact as a kid but until about 2014 and 2015 I had never paid much attention to indie wrestling. Looking over old cards of awesome shows that took place in Connecticut is a real treat for me. The first time the Hardyz and the Young Bucks took place was in Connecticut. There are a couple Ring Of Honor world title matches that took place in Connecticut in the town I worked in last year. Plus Chikara runs through Connecticut every few seasons for a while now. I love looking back on those cards and thinking what it would have been like if I was 14 and had been able to go to a Ring of Honor show in Hartford. I had never even heard of Ring of Honor and was much more interested in going to punk shows but I love the what if. The idea that something I find so cool now took place right under my nose and i had no idea.

That is match happened and is on the Ring of Honor youtube page is also funny to me. It is an absolutely awesome match and a quick watch. These two would both go on to go very different paths. Hallowicked still in his home promotion as a mean veteran and Chris Hero now on NXT. I don’t know much about 07 ROH but from the commentary, I picked up that Hallowicked has been popping in on ROH shows for a while now and even though he has built some momentum he has yet to secure a roster spot. Beating Chris Hero could be the big break he needs. Hero is a cocky jerk who brings out a whole crew featuring Sara Del Rey and Larry Sweeny.

The match starts with Hero using his weight advantage to push Hallowicked around. Quickly getting him into a headlock. Hallowicked hits the ropes and does his cool rope jump into an arm drag spot that is one of my favorite. I noticed it last night in the Los Ice Creams match too. Hero kips out of a wristlock and shows of some of his gymnastic skills. He does two cartwheels and flips over the ropes to the floor and lands on his feet. He then does jumping jacks with his crew.

Hallowicked has had enough he dives to the outside onto everyone. Hero throws him back in the ring and kicks him around. Chris Hero drops a huge senton onto Hallowicked who calls out in pain. Chris Hero picks up Hallowicked and elbows him in the face as he is known to do. He gets Hallowicked in a head and arm trap. Hallowicked wiggles out and hits the ropes. Chris Hero leapfrogs him and Hallowicked goes for a roll-up while Hero is in the air over him. This is another really fantastic “vintage” Hallowicked spot that happens at 5:01 in the video. Hallowicked only gets a two count though and when both men work themselves up Hallowicked is greeted with a german suplex and a pin, he manages to kick out.

Larry Sweeney taunts a young fan sitting front row in a Hallowicked mask while Hero tortures Hallowicked on the ropes then kicks him in the face. Hallowicked pulls himself up only to be met by Hallowicked chops. Chris Hero sends his opponent into the turnbuckle and begins to clap he runs at the turnbuckle but Hallowicked leaps out of the way. Chris Hero uses the turnbuckles to backflip and is met with a big boot from Hallowicked.

Hallowicked starts to pick things up with some hard chops. Hero screams out in pain and goes for his own chop but Hallowicked ducks out of the way and hits more chops. Hero gets Hallowicked off his feet but Wicked flips around him into a pin attempt.  Wicked evades a big boot and gets a headscissors for another pin. Hero hits the ropes but Hallowicked hits a huge spinbuster for a two. Hero bounces Hallowicked off the ropes and hits a big elbow into his head. Hallowicked looks out of it as Hero gets in Hero’s Welcome and the three count. Hallowicked does not pick up his big first Ring of Honor win.

This match is a quick all out sprint. It never takes the foot off the break and Hallowicked wrestles like he is trying to impress. It is a really fun match and I am sure not the first or the last time these two would work together. What I find most interesting about this match is the way it shows how much wrestling has changed in 2018. Ring of Honor is now owned by an evil corporation and mostly sign wrestlers to exclusive contracts. It does not even think about coming to Connecticut anymore. I can’t even think of a masked wrestler on the roster. While Ring of Honor has plenty of talent none of it is very exciting.

Chikara, on the other hand, is a totally DIY organization who brings in some of the best talents from the indies and all over the world. They have a roster loaded with some of the best veterans in the business like Hallowicked, Icarus and Mike Quackenbush while also hosting some of the brightest up and coming wrestlers like Razorhawk, Travis Huckabee and Solo Darling. To think of these two sharing talent in 2018 seems silly as it looks like Chuck Taylor has left Chikara for Ring of Honor and New Japan and left what was his home promotion for so long. While Chikara reaches out of all over the world to build new talent. Being the first in what I think will turn into a huge boom of using Australian talent in the United States. Anyway, watch this match if you are a fan of either wrestler it is well worth it.

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Happening in a Car Park in Louisiana

Transmission date: Monday 24/Tuesday 25 April 2017

.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAWbot roll call!

.

Hardcam! Charly! Chris Jericho! Joooooooe!

.

(so yeah, no prizes for guessing what i've been watching)

.

we open with a really creepy slow zoom on braun

.

huh

.

to open a recap package of the ongoing braun v roman v furniture feud

.

and also the match with show

.

and the ring collapse spot which is totally new and nobody has ever done before you guys

.

and roll titles

.

ooh, good to see they've re-edited the titles for the roster update

.

holy fuck that's a lot of pyro

.

calm down, kansas city

.

either cole's mic massively glitched there or he's secretly a dalek

.

tonight, we have...braun/kalisto in a dumpster match?

.

o...k?

.

well, that'll be a thing

.

but now, here's a jericho

.

sparkly jacket, no christmas scarf

.

and we're opening with the highlight reel

.

chris announces it as the last ever highlight reel on raw, cos he's totally going to win you guys

.

(no he isn't)

.

so he's being his own charismatic sexy guest

.

which so far consists entirely of him making fun of kevin's appearance

.

come on chris, you can do better than that

.

well, in any case, here's miz to stop him

.

and maryse, wearing a floral dress, which is out of character

.

looks nice, it's just weird to see her with a print

.

miz informs us all that raw is unfortunately no longer jericho

.

(his words)

.

chris does the longest ...it ever

.

miz is apparently here to cancel the highlight reel and turn it into miztv

.

so now we get to watch the process of them changing the set

.

chris takes some persuading to move out of the way of the techs changing the carpet

.

miz makes it like six words into the miztv intro before dean turns up

.

talkshow wars vol. 3

.

dean forgoes words for just stamping on the ring steps like a kangaroo on meth to fire up the crowd

.

dean objects to the miz's broadcasting practices, calls him a stupid idiot

.

and gets the techs to change the set again

.

now this is the ambrose asylum

.

are there any more shows left?

.

what, is edge up next?

.

dean is here to talk about the healing power of forgiveness

.

and remind us all of the last talkshow wars feud

.

which i could do without

.

dean has got chris a gift to apologise for killing the original sparkly jacket

.

it's a blazer wrapped in fairy lights

.

dean says try it on maaaaaaaaaan, huge pop

.

miz breaks in like the fuck is happening in my ring

.

chris puts the jacket on, miz objects in his capacity as arbiter of fashion

.

it's a testament to chris and miz's talking skills that this ridiculous segment seems to be over as fuck

.

miz says everyone should be giving him gifts, dean shrugs and gives him a shiny new dirty deeds

.

and wanders off

.

and chris puts maryse on the list for being married to miz

.

seems harsh

.

we call that 'getting clintoned'

.

somebody's mic cuts incredibly loudly over everything

.

seriously, who did the audio on this episode and have they been fired yet

.

but up now, we have sheamus up against matt hardy, presumably cos he was jealous after last week

.

i talk shit about nostalgia a lot, but hearing the hardy boyz music kick in still gives me a moment

.

matt does a single delete wave, cos you can't trademark a horizontal line

.

sheamus isn't quite fanboying as hard as cesaro was, but it's a close thing

.

matt side effects sheamus on the apron so hard it fucks cole's mic up

.

cut to ads, during which sheamus apparently didn't give a shit and is now doing ten beats of the bodhrán

.

and the laziest top rope diving punch

.

matt ddts sheamus off the second rope, briefly kills both of them

.

matt mounts a comeback, delete chants erupt as he mashes sheamus' face into each turnbuckle

.

big team xtreme hands into an elbow drop on sheamus

.

matt works the crowd into a delete chant

.

is he doing that gesture too much

.

who can say

.

goes for a twist of fate, sheamus reverses into a rolling senton at ringside

.

kicks jeff, who takes umbrage at this

.

cesaro gets into an argument with him, and twist of fate off the distraction for the pin

.

cesaro is having a massive argument with the hardyz

.

sheamus tries to calm him down and accept the fault

.

goes for a handshake again

.

cesaro begrudgingly does the same

.

the hardyz accept, and shockingly nothing happens

.

sportsmanship wins, everybody is happy

.

huh

.

cut to kurt on the phone, talking about the dumpster match

.

pan over to miz, whose cut his call off

.

he's angry that miztv didn't happen

.

kurt's like dude, it was never even scheduled

.

and gives him a match against chris and dean

.

with a partner of his choice

.

maryse rants at him in french, they storm off, cut to ads

.

and now, purple rope fun

.

(is my new manga)

.

neville vs tjp?

.

that seems odd

.

oh right

.

it's a tag match

.

that makes a lot more sense

.

vs jack, and presumably austin

.

jack has his watermelon pants on

.

and yeah, here's austin

.

storms up the ramp, jack holds him back like mate he's not worth it

.

austin convinces him he is, they storm the ring and start kicking the shit out of the heels

.

neville and tjp get tossed out of the ring, both land really unpleasantly

.

cut to ads, come back and this match is apparently on

.

booker mispronounces gallagher, corey surprisingly doesn't jump on him

.

i guess if we started policing booker saying unintelligible shit, we'd be here all week

.

austin tags in, hits tj with all his big spots in about 2.6 seconds

.

and suicide dive to both of them

.

and last chancery

.

austin is not here for the long haul

.

neville breaks it up, jack takes it to him

.

chins neville to death, austin discus fivearms tj, match end, everyone go home

.

this is such a pre-ppv epsiode

.

corey takes a moment to explain the joke in 'discus fivearm'

.

but up next, the dumpster match

.

(whatever the fuck that might be)

.

yep, there's certainly a dumpster by the ring

.

oh right, it's a nodq match where you have to put them in the dumpster to win

.

so basically a casket match

.

another way in which braun is basically the edgier undertaker of our time

.

(controversial opinion)

.

dramatically opens the casket, stares into it like he dropped a contact lens

.

oh hey, he's got a mic

.

calls the entire audience trash, half of them cheer

.

apparently kalisto will here represent all the viewers

.

*gets dropped in a skip*

.

and he also represents roman

.

versatile symbol, that man

.

cut backstage, where kurt is both encouraging kalisto and making sure he wants to do this very stupid thing

.

kalisto has really cool new gear

.

and new music

.

still lucha lucha, but early-00s nu metal style

.

this is the 90s comics version of kalisto

.

apparently this is the first time in 17 years we've had a dumpster match

.

wonder why that could be

.

braun is getting kicked a lot

.

kalisto using the standard much smaller man strategy

.

lovely swinging jawbreaker

.

so braun just catches him off the second rope, holds him vertical for a bit, then just hurls him to the opposite corner of the ring

.

having him against the super-throwable kalisto just makes braun look even bigger and stronger than usual

.

tries to dumpster kalisto, he reverses on the ropes and almost dumps braun

.

never gonna happen, but this is more of a nshowing than i expected

.

so braun resumes to throwing and kicking

.

and just running into him at high speed, because you don't need technique when you're the size of a small building

.

the crowd disagree over whether they want roman

.

braun goes for the dumpster again, kalisto remembers how to block moves

.

braun goes for a gorilla presson him, kalisto reverses, kicks through the ropes and knocks braun into the dumpster for the win

.

huh

.

braun lands still standing, and the dumpster goes up to like his thighs

.

oddly funny

.

braun is piiiiiiiiissed

.

gets back in the ring, starts doing big one-handed slams on kalisto

.

and throws him bodily out of the ring

.

feels like he should probably have done that *before* losing the match

.

follows him out, throws him into the barricade

.

and into the dumpster he goes

.

braun slams the lid, crowd are at odds over whether this is a good thing

.

and braun takes the dumpster with him up the ramp

.

he does just collect torture dummies

.

officials appear from backstage like the fuck are you doing braun maybe don't

.

so he pushes it at them

.

seems fair

.

takes a moment to strap it shut and lock it

.

and high-speed pushes it off the stage

.

way less impressive or hilarious than v1.0

.

officials finally intervene to get kalisto out of there

.

cut to ads

.

cut back, and let's recap like the whole segment

.

so many angles of the dumpster crash

.

cut back to the present, sudden medics are stretchering kalisto away

.

and the announcers are like the fuck is this guy

.

and also btw look at my interview with roman on our facebook just sayin

.

long follow on kalisto's stretcher, just so kurt can stand by it and look aghast

.

apparently we'll see that interview later

.

cos fuck the interne*loses connection*

.

but now, a video package on how great roman is

.

also a bunch of filler, because that'd be short as fuck

.

wyatt cut

.

bray is delivering another sermon to randy

.

or maybe it's the same one

.

it's been going all this time, and we just periodically cut in and out of it

.

more vague threats about the house of horrors

.

i feel like it's going to be impossible for it to live up to the hype

.

apparently randy will never leave the house

.

fuck, payback's gonna be even longer than mania

.

does his messiah pose, crossfade to video of fire, wyatt cut to ads

.

come back, and it's dana/alicia

.

for whatever reason

.

and alicia has some kind of crazy new superhero gear

.

i can't really offer an opinion

.

it's strange

.

emma is here, just lurking

.

booker starts talking, his mic is not on

.

i'm all for this

.

shit, someone fixed it

.

alicia does a northern lights as like her first spot

.

wasn't that meant to be her finisher?

.

anyway, brief match, dana does a michinoku driver for the pin, guess we're done

.

emma sidles into the ring next to her

.

gives her a hug

.

dana's like um the fuck

.

and emma's just like awwww i love you too and wanders off

.

i love how unencumbered she is by sense and reason

.

apparently the house of horrors match will start in bray's house of horrors but end up in the ring?

.

*frantically props up her suspended disbelief*

.

so this is the bit where the announcers tell us the card for payback

.

but now, charly interviews joe and gallows and anderson

.

who are apparently fighting enzo/cass/seth tonight

.

joe does a philosophical monologue about the nature of victory, anderson calls enzo a buttnugget

.

such a natural team

.

joe promises to come for the rest of seth's ligaments tonight

.

so we may be here a while

.

so that match is now

.

judging by the presence of enzo and cass

.

enzo gets through his monologue before the bad guys appear out of the crowd

.

joe drags cass into the crowd, the club magic killer enzo at ringside

.

seth appears to be a hero

.

and cass makes it back in

.

those two fend off the heels, then run to check on zo

.

cut to ads, and now kurt is here

.

announcing their replacement tag partner

.

and it is

.

*does the arms*

.

well this is trading up by any standards

.

now i want aj to turn up for the full reunion

.

brawl starts immediately

.

clears out enough for them to start the match with cass/gallows

.

seth tags in for one move, then finn tags

.

holy shit, i've just imagined seth and finn fighting the hardyz

.

and i am here for that like you would not believe

.

joe tags in, starts punching finn in all his ligaments

.

anderson gets finn in an armbar, and there goes all the momentum in the match

.

tags gallows in, who beats even more piss out of finn

.

apparently since finn replaced enzo, he inherits his punching bag status

.

seth tags in, starts cleaning house

.

does a sling blade, and i want that tag team even more

.

cass kicks gallows out of the ring, seth suicide dives joe and anderson

.

finn dropkicks joe into the barricade, seth hits anderson with a diving clothesline, goes for the pedigree, long beat, he shakes his head and does a really cool short-arm jumping knee to the head for the pin instead

.

are we finally changing his finisher away from that of his nemesis

.

it'll be nice to stop complaining about that

.

according to corey, seth had a "moment of inflection"

.

sure

.

cut backstage, miz is hunting a partner

.

appeals to sheamus and cesaro, who are both like um fuck you? and walk off

.

and now we have an angry ex-sparkle fairy

.

recap of alexa stealing the contendership last week

.

and she has a mic

.

this is pretty much always a good thing

.

and immediately mocks the concept of people talking

.

um, hate to break it to you...

.

starts talking about bayley being motivational, pauses to throw up in her mouth

.

crowd do the what thing, she manages to respond without looking stupid

.

and now here comes bayley

.

here to teach alexa an important lesson about gossip

.

and also like um if i'm all talk what's with this shiny belt

.

alexa is like oh hey is payback in your home town i didn't realise this is going to be even more fun when i fuck your shit up

.

god, i love her

.

asks bayley if she's ever even kissed a boy

.

we've gone full playground again, but alexa can still kind of pull it off

.

rants some more, but here comes a sasha

.

doesn't even get to talk before alexa starts ripping on her too

.

i can't describe this particular trashtalk-off in any way that'd capture the beauty of it

.

so much is in alexa's reaction faces

.

greatest actress in the industry right there

.

sasha challenges alexa to a match now, she's just like what no i've actually got a match this weekend and you've gone sliiiiightly crazy lately

.

sasha's just like well you know what *coldcocks*

.

advert for smackdown, insert usual moan

.

but now we have that match, because it is totally happening

.

and bayley's on announce

.

corey's like hey bayley so let's be serious how bad will it be when you lose at home this weekend

.

meanwhile, there's a really good match happening

.

sasha gets a bank statement, alexa manages to get a foot on the rope

.

leaves the ring, stands there shouting at sasha for a while

.

then struts backwards up the ramp, staring daggers at sasha

.

sasha wins by countout, alexa doesn't give the smallest fraction of a shit

.

heads backstage, bayley grabs her by the hair and drags her down the ramp

.

alexa gets away, runs backstage

.

bayley turns to sasha like hey what a bitch and alexa runs back out and blindsides here

.

sasha chases her off, and end segment

.

and now, chris and dean talk in the locker room

.

dean wants his name off the list so they can move forward as friends

.

chris is like dude you still owe me $15,000 and you powerbombed me into thumbtacks that time

.

dean just like fair, but in my defence, it was really cool

.

chris seems to accept this along with his new jacket, crosses deans's name out

.

dean gets very pumped, walks off, chris gets the pen back out and writes him on it again

.

and smirks like no human

.

apparently on payback we have enzo and cass v the club, and miztv with finn

.

but now charly is backstage tto promote the marine 5 with heath and curtis

.

miz interrupts almost instantly, starts canvassing with those two for a tag partner

.

curtis is like no, heath says ummm i've got a partner

.

rhyno looms out of the shadows with his cheese and crackers

.

starts offering them around

.

maryse throws them over him

.

he's like okaaaaay no cracker for you

.

runner arrives with a note for miz, and apparently he has an awesome tag partner

.

is it past miz

.

cut away to the ring, and here's curt hawkins doing his open challenge star factory thing

.

who's going to kill him this week

.

apollo, being like hey guys i'm on raw

.

he really needs to work out what to do with his entrance

.

and image

.

and persona

.

and career

.

curt gets one kick in before apollo starts dodging everything and glitching all over the place

.

i'm kind of waiting for him to t-stand and sink through the floor

.

duelling chants for apollo and curt, with like half a dozen people on each side

.

this is the pissbreakest of pissbreak matches

.

curt gets a bit more offence before apollo unloads a bunch of his spots and sitout powerbomb for the pin

.

titus appears to raise apollo’s hand

.

oh wait, is he going to be on as his manager?

.

i could see that working

.

the man can't talk

.

titus does a pep talk and takes a selfie with him

.

but next, updates on the braun/roman/kalisto situation

.

corey is theorising whether miz's partner will be vin diesel or chris hemsworth

.

i'm going with 'no'

.

but now, recaps of the dumpster chronicles

.

apparently kalisto has suffered "hip and cervical trauma"

.

that's some good nonspecific hurt there

.

snippets of that interview on the website

.

it's basically yeah my brother is dead and braun put me in the hospital but i'mma still fuck him up because i'm roman reigns big dog woof

.

so the usual

.

and now a video package of the history of the brauman feud

.

can we not save these for the ppvs?

.

well this is long as fuck

.

oh thank christ, it's done

.

austin is backstage with kurt, giving him an unspecified great idea for 205

.

gives him a banana, leaves

.

kurt walks into miz and maryse, who refuse to say who his partner is

.

you wouldn't know him

.

he's from canada

.

elias samson wanders through frame, idly strumming

.

kurt's like ok, interesting choice

.

miz is like what fuck no not that guy i don't even know who that is

.

have i mentioned how much i love elias' new gimmick as some kind of meme?

.

cut for ads, and now it's that match

.

(the tag match, not elias)

.

chris enters wearing the new jacket, dean's standing in the ring like hey dude nice jacket

.

miz and maryse turn up, and now they're in fight mode, maryse has changed into a leather vest and cape

.

and miz is in his hardcore monk robe

.

as usual

.

i still miss the mania jacket

.

miz has his piece of paper

.

does a big intro

.

foooooor

.

nobody arrives

.

tries again

.

just say you're tagging with god, it worked before

.

miz is like welllllll looks like my partner's running late we're gonna have to cancel the match bye guys

.

here comes a kurt

.

presumably not to tag with miz

.

that would not be popular

.

he's just like miz dude can you follow simple instructions you have a match do the thing

.

walks off, miz is unimpressed

.

and chris and dean unload on him

.

including jericho unzipping miz's robe to hit him in the chest

.

cut for ads, when the match apparently actually started

.

i say 'match', this is just two men beating on the miz

.

miz stops dean by pleading on his knees for the sake of his beautiful face

.

tries to talk his way out of the match

.

goes for the handshake

.

gets annoyed at dean taking so long to decide, slaps him instead

.

how to win friends, people

.

they leave the ring, so maryse can run interference while miz gets some offence in

.

miz does the yes kicks, seems offended when the crowd take a while to adopt the chant

.

ambrose just clotheslined himself, if you believe cole

.

but in any case, jericho tags in

.

lionsault connects, because apparently we've left the purview of that curse

.

miz tries to run away up the ramp, dean chases him down and gets him on the announce table

.

sets up for something, wyatt cut, and miz is replaced by bray

.

who commences to beating on dean

.

jericho tries to intervene, bray and miz both beat him up

.

but miz looks as scared of bray as anyone else

.

they take chris to the ring, he manages to codebreaker miz, but bray sister abigails him

.

miz gets up and does a victory pose with him, lovely slow burn as bray looks at him like the fuck mate, and then sister abigails him too

.

because bray has no friends

.

kneels over miz, wyatt cut, end of the show

.

but hey, payback's tomorrow night and i should probably get caught up beforehand, so how does some SATURDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN sound?

.

(damn good, is how it sounds)

.

(also quite similar to an English girl talking shit for an hour and a half)

.

(but daniel'll fix that with the overdub)

.

we're in des moines, and opening with renee in the ring

.

introducing shinsuke

.

aaaaand i just hurt my neck dancing to his intro

.

no comment

.

in other news, he's wearing a tshirt, which is just weird to see

.

but it's a cool shirt

.

renee gets half a sentence into the first question of this interview, hit dolph's music

.

he's out here in a full suit and tie

.

which doesn't mesh well with the asshole ponytail

.

or the asshole face, to be honest

.

shinsuke holds the ropes open for renee to leave, because he's a lovely man

.

dolph starts asking facetious questions, then letting shinsuke say like two words before 'translating' for him

.

dolph has added 'kind of racist' to his usual list of twatness

.

and now...he's claiming shinsuke is actually michael jackson?

.

i really don't get this

.

this is in strange taste in a whole bunch of ways

.

side note: dolph is wearing a floral shirt and a tartan tie

.

this is bad

.

shinsuke steals the mic

.

gives dolph one question

.

"What is your problem?"

.

translates into japanese

.

and i speak enough japanese to get him calling dolph a jackass

.

the crowd don't love it, but i appreciate that

.

dolph tries to attack him, shinsuke reverses into a massive suplex and poses as he runs away

.

i'm enjoying this slow-burning feud

.

later we have naomi/charlotte, but next it's styles/corbin

.

and kevin's on announce, so we all know how much attention i'll be paying to the actual match

.

corbin is from KC, so presumably wishing he was on raw this week

.

come to think of it, so is randy, so you'd've thought they'd have done smackdown there

.

byron asks kevin how he's going to prepare for sunday, kevin's just like shut your fucking mouth byron chris jericho could just watch this show why would i tell you how i'm preparing

.

meanwhile, baron kicks aj through the ropes to ringside

.

this match is basically just baron doing all his big spots and aj kicking out anyway because fuck you i'm aj styles

.

i still really enjoy that choke backbreaker, it's just a shame it's attached to baron corbin

.

baron sets up for a superplex, aj gets out and counters into a pele kick

.

turns this into a whole comeback thing, and kevin's like yeah whatever aj styles ain't shit

.

aj goes for a styles clash but baron sandbags it, likewise a calf crusher

.

kevin objects to the referee's officiating, comes to the ring, aj kicks him in the head

.

baron dodges a phenomenal forearm, goes for a powerbomb, aj gets a rollup for the pin

.

kevin immediately starts kicking the piss out of aj, baron joins in, whLET'S GO

.

kevin runs away, so we get to see sami fight baron instead for once

.

hits him with a helluva kick, when kevin reappears to blindside him

.

and then popup powerbomb aj and pose over him with the belt

.

but now we're in the locker room, where dasha interviews charlotte

.

apparently she has gold running through her veins

.

is her father actually depressed gold colonel sanders

.

but up next, alpha/colóns in a beat the clock contendership match

.

i don't love beat the clock things

.

but hey

.

wwe doesn't consult my preferences, or it's just be esoteric story beats all show

.

insert card with the rules for beat the clock challenges, because they're not exactly intuitive

.

i like the new colóns music

.

sure, it's just a heavier remix of the shining stars theme, but it's good

.

commence the clock

.

apparently the other match is breezango/ascension

.

so i can't imagine where this is going

.

cut to the usos watching the match on the enormous tv that's taking up lots of valuable locker room space

.

but yeah

.

beat the clock matches just turn into the battle of the cheap pins, and that's never particularly good to watch

.

and this match is bearing that out

.

american alpha's decline from glory exactly parallels the fading of the 2 unlimited chant

.

i blame american crowds

.

these long-ass rest holds do not belong in your beat the clock match

.

this timer is just to see how long it takes to finally get to the hot tag to jason where he kills everyone

.

primo knows this, so punches jj off the apron

.

the colóns set chad up for their double backstabber, but jj bodychecks primo out of the way and brings the most beautifully fluid grand amplitude out for the pin

.

cutaway to the usos again like yeah american alpha ain't shit

.

up next, orton/rowan no-dq match

.

was this advertised at all?

.

because i would have thought i'd be interested

.

but before that, apparently rusev is responding

.

but before *that*, a coming soon video for the new day

.

byron is excited, but tom is like hmm where could rusev be

.

ooh, he sent in a video earlier today

.

wow, listen to that accent

.

apparently he doesn't like shane or bryan, so he's not coming on smackdown unless he gets a championship match at mitb

.

oddly specific

.

and otherwise he's going back to bulgaria

.

huh

.

but now, dasha interviews becky on the whole charlotte/everyone else sitch

.

she disapproves of charlotte's methods, but also of this

.

so here are the welcoming committee to implicitly threaten

.

nice goggles, shame if anything happened to them

.

even ellsworth gets a taunt

.

then they all sidle away, leaving becky like where the fuck do you people come from this room was locked

.

(we can only assume)

.

but now, it's randy v erick

.

a match that sounds like it should be happening in a car park in louisiana

.

also, i keep expecting randy's evil music and getting mildly weirded out when it isn't any more

.

even given that he's had this music for so much longer

.

but hey, that's me

.

and here comes rowan, who wins the music contest hands down

.

and has a new titantron

.

ambient video of barns and plants and countryside and shit

.

(no actual shit)

.

(as far as i can tell, i mean, it's the countryside)

.

(any given field is about 30% shit on average)

.

and we're off

.

takes about 0.04 seconds for this to leave the ring

.

which is all as it should be

.

randy takes the time to personally introduce rowan's face to all available surfaces

.

such a courteous host

.

rowan goes back to the ring, throws dropkicks like it ain't no thang

.

when it becomes clear that randy also considers them no thang, he gets a kendo stick instead

.

when that pin doesn't work either, he goes for a table

.

sets it up at ringside, which is always a bad idea

.

tries to suplex randy over the ropes, but he blocks it, punches him a punch, hits him with the kendo stick and oh would you look at that what a surprise

.

some very slow brawling later, randy does the draping ddt thing

.

strikes up the snake, rowan just ignores the rko

.

gets the ring steps, hits rowan with them as they make the resonant WHONG of very light hollow aluminium

.

wedges a chair in the turnbuckle, which is even more of a terrible plan

.

takes about six seconds for randy to bullfight him into it, rko for the pin

.

well, that was...super formulaic

.

and now randy has a mic

.

wooooo

.

"Now I don't exactly know what a House of Horrors match is, but I get a feeling that on Sunday, I'm gonna find out."

.

well...yes

.

because you're IN ONE ON SUNDAY YOU CHARISMA-DEFICIENT PLASTICINE-SCULPTED TWAT

.

...ahem

.

randy promises bray that the house of horrors match is going to be his eternal hell

.

which seems like bray'd be into that, tbh

.

randy poses with the belt, hit...jinder's music

.

here he is to shout at randy for overlooking him

.

did he always wear that turban?

.

to be fair, it rusev does fuck off back to bulgaria, nobody will notice, because jinder has stepped seamlessly into his gimmick

.

dramatically removes his turban, so i have to assume he can hear me through time

.

hey jinder

.

jinder announces he will address the rest of this promo to his people, carries on in punjabi

.

tries to coldcock randy, gets counter-coldcocked

.

randy tries to set him up for the draping ddt, when he gets grabbed by the bollywood boyz

.

(who are not the shining stars, sorry past readers)

.

(daniel, i thought you were meant to be catching those mistakes)

.

all three beat on randy a while, then jinder does his full nelson slam and leaves with the title belt

.

the announce team are entirely baffled by the concept that someone would ever take something that doesn't rightfully belong to them

.

and fade

.

naomi/charlotte is our main event, but up next it's beat the clock part 2

.

after a lana burlesque video

.

or is she lanalina or some bullshit now

.

wait, why are the announcers calling the bollywood boys the singh brothers now?

.

was sihra not unambiguously foreign enough?

.

shot of the indian contingent leaving in a ridiculous white limo, with jinder holding the belt and standing out of the sunroof

.

but now, breezango v ascension

.

tyler's doing his selfie stick entrance again, which is a nice bit of nostalgia for when he got to do well

.

bell rings, viktor punches tyler's head off and goes for the pin

.

that would have been fucking hilarious if he hadn't kicked

.

the usos are still watching the match and drinking

.

you'd think if they were going to be doing it this long, they'd have got chairs

.

given how little trouble they all usually have finding steel folding chairs in every nook and cranny

.

three minutes left, and the ascension are just riding roughshod over fandango

.

...and i say that...

.

ascension set up fandango for a fall of man, tyler pulls konnor out of the way, supermodel kicks viktor into a falcon arrow by fandango for the pin with 2:36 remaining

.

so...yeah, guess we've got new contenders

.

although it could mean they're turning face, since they're up against the usos now

.

i like tyler as a kind of anti-heroic smug douche babyface

.

he could always pull it off so much better than dolph

.

they're standing halfway up the ramp, completely freaking out over the fact that they won

.

yeah, the genuine surprise there feels like a babyface decision

.

so we can spin them into the underdogs

.

well, they're on talking smack, so i guess we'll see there

.

oh, but it's cohosted by that twat

.

ugh

.

advert for 205, cunningly disguised as neville promising to kill a man

.

and now let's have a jerkily-intercut video package about a man getting revenge on the douche who burnt his house down and desecrated the resting place of his god

.

someone has had so much fun cutting all this creepy footage together

.

some video editor has told wwe management "Let me make packages like this, or I'm fucking off to Impact"

.

is it just me, or was the HoH match originally going to be for the title?

.

feels like they've backed off from that over the last few weeks

.

but now, renee interviews naomi

.

who reveals that charlotte, surprisingly, ain't shit

.

and makes a valiant effort to bring coloured visor shades back

.

i want to live in the fluorescent future naomi is presaging

.

she still looks so excited to be holding that belt

.

charlotte is still back in her dad's robe, and once you've seen that the central screen of her tron just says HARLOT, you can't un-notice it

.

and we're still not completely sure if she has a surname or not

.

naomi corner bulldogs charlotte out of the ring, so she responds by dropping her off the apron

.

charlotte, please can you keep your voice down when you're calling spots for once

.

i try not to listen for them, but i can hear yours from a different room

.

i love how 80% of naomi's spots end with her sitting on either the canvas or the ropes

.

she just aggressively sits down to win

.

and everything else is kicking them with mile-long legs until they die

.

casually spinkicks charlotte in the head, despite her being notably taller than her

.

rear view for a near-fall

.

clearly you will need more than a butt to win this

.

naomi goes for a headscissors, charlotte straight powers through to turn it into a powerbomb

.

goes up for a moonsault, hits it, but naomi had her knees up

.

which always seems like a good way to get your legs broken

.

and now here come the welcoming committee to beat on charlotte

.

to tell the truth, i quite like them as a team

.

ellsworth lurks behind them to occasionally go yeeeeeeeah so we know he's a badass

.

they pose over charlotte, hit nattie's music because clearly we know who's running this show

.

crowd want becky, as do i

.

but no, we just fade on them posing on the stage, charlotte lying in the ring, and naomi slumped against it cuddling her belt

.

i think this dynamic definitely has legs

.

especially when charlotte turns reluctant babyface and becky joins them

.

or not

.

not everything has to be balanced

.

hmmm

.

wait, i should stop giving all my booking secrets away for free

.

ummmmm...

.

play me off, daniel

.

*dances sideways through a window*

[grapsandclaps]

GRAPS & CLAPS - THE GRIMSBY EDITION PART 2! (IT'S GRIM IN GRIMSBY).

Hello again. I am Chris Wilson, the official #GrimsbyGraps correspondent for Graps and Claps. Grimsby is quite a random place for dedicated coverage but until I can coax our Andy to visit the town with the third best football team in Lincolnshire (out of 3), someone needs to tell you how #GrimsbyGraps is taking over the world. Yes, really. Well, maybe.

It all started when some brilliant, creative genius invented the #GrimsbyGraps hashtag and-- Okay, fine, let's skip forward.

Since the last time we were here for BWR's Ignition, British Wrestling Revolution put tickets on sale for their next show, 'No Gods, No Masters'. It sold out in ten hours! This was for a bigger venue too: the first card at the prestigious - if a place for record, job and craft fairs counts as that - Cleethorpes Memorial Hall in 24 years. Unbelievable stuff. BWR then put tickets on sale for their April event also at the Memorial Hall, 'Dive and Kicking', possibly in hope of starting PROGRESS-style immediate sell-outs from now until the end of time. They have sold half their allocation so far. Pretty impressive for #GrimsbyGraps, but the difference between the two shows is one man alone. As discussed before on this blog, having the WWE UK champion Pete Dunne on the card guarantees an extra 80 to 100 ticket sales. He is a rare draw in the age of strongly-branded promotions themselves being the main attraction. 

BWR stacked the card for 'No Gods, No Masters'. Suddenly, a snowstorm in March. BWR came out relatively unscathed considering OTT and Discovery Wrestling have cancelled their plans for this weekend. However, BWR announced the morning of the show that Kay Lee Ray, Big T, Big Grizzly, and Tel Banham couldn't make it. And later in the afternoon, the weather had held down and choked Bram in Birmingham, meaning five matches would not go ahead as scheduled. The good news, though: the two big contests remained in tact.

So, let's get on with the report.

Firstly, you can tell I'm not Andy Ogden as my pre-show drinking involved a bottle of water to keep myself hydrated, followed by a severely-diluted protein shake due to my next shipment of powder being stuck in a van somewhere on the motorway (wouldn't have happened if Amazon used Simon Morris Transport). Yes, instead of pub crawling, I was in the gym until 30 minutes before bell-time. And that's why I'm only allowed to report on #GrimsbyGraps. 

'No Gods, No Masters' began with the ring announcer's opening spiel. Apparently "we're not jobbing to a snow storm" (actual words), and he used a variation of "the weather's cold outside but the action inside is RRREEEDDD HOT". Pop.

Out came Reese Ryan, doing his Nathan Cruz circa 2012 'Hollywood-with-a-thick-northern-accent' shtick. His advertised Blockbuster Announcement was in two parts: not only has he released Big T from his security detail and replaced him with evil choir boy Will Kroos, but he introduced the Real Wrestling VIP Championship. In wrestling, it seems you can bring your own title and it's legitimate. Jonny Storm appeared unannounced and challenged Ryan for the belt. What followed was a ten-minute bout in which Storm outclassed Ryan in between the referee somehow failing to notice the large evil choir boy attacking Storm. Kroos entered the ring and planted Storm with a DDT to ensure Ryan retained his "title".

Next, the Korn-dubstep antics of Guilty By Habit transcended Southside Wrestling as Robbie X and SUUUUUUUUPERTWAT Kip Sabian (replacing Big Grizzly) defeated The Proven's Caz Crash and Sam Wilder. This was a top-notch contest. I love how X and Sabian don't get along, as though they're only in GBH together because their mates are mates. An added bonus too: the match ended with a CHEEKY ROLL-UP and a CHEEKY HOLDING ONTO THE TIGHTS. #MyGraps.

Lana Austin was up next, accompanied by Eliza Roux and Jami Sparx. With Kay Lee Ray "too scared" to show up, Roux offered an open challenge on "her best friend Lana's" behalf. Little Miss Roxxy made her BWR debut by accepting. Although the crowd took a while to get into it, Austin and Roxxy put in quite a shift until everyone was emotionally invested. Roxxy finally gained momentum once Roux and Sparx were kicked out for their extra-curricular activities and hit a springboard knee-faceplant for the win. Roux and Sparx reappeared and left Roxxy laying on the canvas.

Before intermission, we saw the much-hyped hardcore match between Jimmy Havoc and local hero/silly boy Tyler Devlin. There were no pretences here: both men introduced every weapon they were planning to use from under the ring before the bell rung. Devlin's antics were mercifully less of his own doing this time, but he still managed to get thrown onto a ladder, bounce off a guardrail he had balanced from the ring, eat pins, get curb stomped onto pins, and falling after Havoc's rainmaker onto, yup, pins. Silly boy. Rewind a bit: the ultimate silly boy-ness came moments before when he executed a Jeff Hardy-style senton bomb from a ladder through a table outside the ring... and missed. It was the sickest spot I've seen in person since Death House. Silly boy. Havoc won with that aforementioned rainmaker. After the match, he got on the mic, said he was impressed with Devlin, "but you're just a Jimmy Havoc knock-off". Cue a kick to the nads. Bit harsh from Havoc. I'd say he's more a Clint Margera knock-off. 

Intermission. £1.10 for a can of Fanta Lemon went down very well considering I didn't know Fanta Lemon was still a thing. Meanwhile, the raffle was £1 PER NUMBER. Related note: Cleethorpes voted Tory.

After a forty minute break for some reason, we returned with Tyson T-Bone coming out. Originally he was meant to face Bram. His new opponent was... Gabriel Kidd. Every time I go to a show where someone pulls out, Kidd is the replacement. 3CW in November, PROGRESS Sheffield in December, now this. Never mind "Life Boat Man", he should be called "Answers The Phone Man".

Tyson T-Bone versus Gabriel Kidd sounded terrible on paper. Already in my head, I was going to dismiss the match. So, obviously, they fucked with me by having a blistering, hard-hitting brawl that went around the ring - including a sweet knee drop by Kidd onto T-Bone as he hung over the guardrail - and delivered more chops than a vegan's nightmare. It helped how the crowd were RRREEEDDD-HOT for this (take note, Sheffield Southside). T-Bone hit Kidd with a piledriver for the victory and both men were applauded. If it wasn't for the main event, this would've been my match of the night. Strange times indeed.

Next: Scotty Rawk, Cole Quinzel, Matt Myers, and Kelvin Kayton defeated Jimmy Mcilwee, Harry the Hammer Winston, evil choir boy Will Kroos, and (despite being fired in November) Simon Lancaster in a "Get the Lads on the Card" match. The crowd love Mcilwee's homeless, can't-get-a-BWR-contract-even-though-he's-on-every-card gimmick but there was nothing else noteworthy here.

El Ligero versus Tom Weaver versus Robbie X doing double-duty in place of Tel Banham. In a confusing series of events: the ring announcer said the following was a triple-threat match, Robbie X attacked Tom Weaver during his entrance, and he interjected himself into the match to make it... a triple threat match? The announcer tried back-tracking by saying he "suddenly understood" the original third participant couldn't be there, but it was a bit contrived (sorry, readers). This was another excellent contest. Weaver hit a shooting star press on X for the victory before Ligero approvingly shook his hand. I hope they find something substantial for Weaver - as a local lad, he deserves more high-profile fights at these bigger shows than winning throwaway - albeit great - triple threat matches.

In the main event, WWE UK champion Pete Dunne faced the World #GrimsbyGraps Champion Joseph Conners for the latter's title. With this being the third high-profile match between the two in seven weeks (PROGRESS, TNT, here), a friend joked they are this generation's Jonny Storm versus Jody Fleisch. And you can't help but admit they work really well together, telling a well-told story of the cocky AF Dunne stretching Conners as the World #GrimsbyGraps Champion got the crowd (who were evenly split) behind him to make his comeback. I admire how Dunne never half-arses a match, pulling out the same flips and top-rope stomps and high-octane brawling as seen in Fight Club Pro. Together they brought out a big match feel likely never seen in Grimsby/Cleethorpes. It's a massive credit to both men. But...

...let's quickly talk about Dunne's WWE UK title. I can't believe this has never been angrily discussed on Twitter. Can you name me one time other than PROGRESS Ally Pally where the current UK champion has taken a pinfall or submission loss at a non-WWE show? It's as though there's a contractual obligation or something. To be fair, I believed for a couple of near falls that Dunne would become the World #GrimsbyGraps Champion, even if I never believed Conners would cleanly retain the title. Here came the bullshit finish: Tyson T-Bone ran in and attacked both men. No contest. Conners and Dunne chased off T-Bone. Then Conners challenged Dunne to continue the match, only for Dunne to kick him in the nads and leave. Conners got on the mic again and teased a rematch between the two down the line to end the show. Finish aside, this was easily the best match in the era of #GrimsbyGraps to date. 

'No Gods, No Masters' as a whole, putting aside my local pride, was a top-shelf show. They overcame the weather and delivered one of the stronger cards I've been to for some time. The crowd was well up for the action, while the wrestlers brought their A-game. Cleethorpes Memorial Hall is a cracking venue for the graps too. Definitely worth the visit if you're coming from out of town. Just, you know, avoid going out in Cleethorpes afterwards if you enjoy your health and wellbeing. 

Here's hoping the momentum continues into 'Dive and Kicking' on April 20th. This event will feature a tournament to crown the first-ever BWR Cruiserweight champion - an odd choice for a division given all but three guys are cruiserweights, but there we go. Of course, your #GrimsbyGraps correspondent will be there in person, so I'll see you back on Graps and Claps on the 21st. 

Until next time!

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Hell’s Gateshead

Transmission date: Monday 6/Tuesday 7 March 2017

.

Running behind because it turns out longstanding medical conditions are about as likely as jobs to give you time off to talk shit about wrestling, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

.

Also because Fastlane was such bullshit it threatened to put me off Raw forever .

so now we have to deal with the aftermath of that .

sigh .

we open on some dramatic recaps of said bullshit, just in case you'd succeeded in repressing it .

jericho winning it for goldberg with his devastating manoeuvre of 'standing there' .

and brockberg for the championship at mania .

sigh .

there is no outcome to that that won't piss me off .

but anyway .

we're in chicago .

(go...i have forgotten all the sports teams in chicago) .

(cubs) .

(shit) .

but here's jericho, and chicago loves him .

gdi cole, stop saying how close we are to mania .

it reminds me how behind i am .

gonna be a mad rush of posts to catch up before then .

i need my own sign to point at for motivation .

jericho has a new sparkly jacket .

kind of mirror ball style .

and immediately in with the face promos .

been a while .

his argument is basically 'kevin's a twat' .

i'll be honest, i'm skeptical whether jericho can be anywhere near as good a face as he has been a heel lately .

but i'm prepared to be wrong .

chris is calling kevin out for an explanation of his shittiness .

long beat, and here he is .

weird seeing him come in without the belt .

kevin comes out like fuck you why would i answer your questions .

and now jericho proper unloads on him .

which is so weird after the last year or whatever of world-class friendship .

kevin says chris was never his best friend .

ooooooooohhhh .

chris looks genuinely hurt .

kevin just like i betray all my friends, have you seen sami .

apparently kevin picked chris up because hhh told him to be prepared for anything when he got the belt .

the large shadowy figure behind every questionable decision .

kevin is having far too much fun calling jericho a tool .

apparently it was chris accepting the kevberg match that pushed kevin over the top .

which seems fair, tbh .

kevin is apparently a nice guy for not straight murdering chris at the festival .

chris is like okay i kind of get this because ten years ago i would have dicked you over right back .

and apparently he doesn't need a best friend because he has the crowd .

or in his words .

the friends of jericho .

(cheer him on, maaaaaaaaan) .

jericho finally challenges kevin for mania, points at the sign really weirdly .

there's that elephant in the room addressed .

we've been waiting for that match .

kevin angles to make it a us title match .

i only remembered chris was us champ when they pointed it out .

his big jacket and fluffy scarf cover it up more or less completely .

and chris is like okay that'll be fun but let's fuck thsi shit up right now, maaaaaaan

.

cue punch brawl .

and...samoa joe appears? .

both of them stomp on chris a bit, hit sami's music .

the lovable skank man comes in with a chair, pretty much immediately loses it and gets beaten into a corner by kevin and joe

.

#youtried .

but chris gets the chair and wins the ensuing scrap .

hit his music, because apparently something was achieved .

and kevin and joe leave .

huh .

thought that'd be a tag match .

ad break, and foley has made it into two matches .

owens/zayn round #fuck this joke again now, and joe/chris later on .

someone in the crowd has a KALI 3:16 sign .

either there's a reference there i'm not getting, or that is the most delightfully strange crossover .

sami does a tope con giro over the ref like fuck you mustafa ali .

and lands on his shins .

ow .

stands up like it's ok i'm fine wait shit that really hurts why did i do that .

don't break your legs, sami .

we'd have to get one of your mexican relatives in to replace you .

i love how these two always pull new moves out in their matches together .

exhibit a: kevin hits a flip senton to the back of sami's head .

ouch .

that into a brainbuster (fuck you wellness policy) and another popup bomb for the pin .

sami is the human equivalent of the smash bros sandbag .

suplex him hard enough and a bunch of items will come out .

oh great, we get to hear from goldberg later .

but next, we have neville/swann for the cruiserweight belt .

when did rich earn a title shot? .

and in other questions, austin where the fuck is your banana .

austin gives us all another look at his package, cole and graves massively corpse on camera .

corey tries to parry some package jokes, cole is just like OKAY moving on here's rich swann .

young guns (handle this) .

oh, apparently this is rich's contractual rematch cos he couldn't have it earlier .

pretty sure that's not how it works, but w/e .

at least this match is reminding me of the best bit of fastlane .

(by miles) .

crowd are just like fuck this, let's do cm punk chants over everything because chicago .

fuck you, guys .

rich seems to have come into this match with the mindset 'nobody can beat me if i do everything at DOUBLE SPEED' .

which is working pretty well, tbh .

until he got bulldogged headfirst into the apron, that is .

crowd start an austin aries chant, the man himself is just like um okay thanks guys but maybe watch the match .

rich nails a high-angle senton (let's call it a swannton, sure) off the turnbuckle to the outside .

into a michinoku driver for a nearfall .

neville kicks out like fuck you, i'm from newcastle .

we used to jump off two-storey buildings onto each other to kill time at school .

i had to kill my breakfast with a michinoku driver every day .

i once had a forty-minute deathmatch with some fish and chips .

you know nothing, rich swann .

(daniel assures me this is an accurate representation of newcastle) .

comes back with an enormous superplex .

damn, but rich can take punishment .

flatliner to facekick to kick out, because, as aforemtioned, geordie .

does a phoenix splash to a complete lack of neville, who counters into that rings of saturn double armbar thing he does for the tap .

he needs a name for that .

my money's on 'hell's gateshead' .

austin turns up in-ring to interview the king .

who just stands there like fuck you you don't deserve my finely-crafted geordie words .

austin aries chants dominate, austin tries to get the crowd back on track .

neville like hey i said i was going to murder the division and that is very much a thing that i did .

austin like hmmmmm did you say there was nobody who could challenge you .

wonder where this is leading .

the crowd know .

nevile just like hahaha wait fuck seriously .

austin dramatically loses the shades .

he has both his eyes .

who knew .

neville's getting all up in austin's business, he's still trying to do the interviewer thing .

until he coldcocks him with the mic .

i am officially hyped for this feud .

austin loses the jacket and shit .

i'm guessing this is why no banana today .

chases neville out of the ring, stands there with his belt .

this is promising .

but now, enzo and cass are backstage .

and it's not a kfc advert? .

apparently not .

they've run into sheamus and cesaro .

cesaro like ummmm this is actually a cuppa coffee .

and they're both just ripping the piss out of enzo and cass for not winning the titles .

god, i love those two .

but apparently next, goldberg exists .

after an ad for mania .

which is in 13 days .

fuuuuuuuuck i have so much wrestling to mock .

but yes, now we have this fucking entrance .

both in the sense that it's a long intro, and that the man himself is an enormous entrance .

during this interlude, let's take a moment to ponder the popularity of Sir Shortmatches Shoutsalot here .

his popularity atm seems to hinge on the fact that he was away for 12 years .

by that logic, i've not been on wwe tv for my whole life, i should be over as fuck .

anyway, these riffs are mostly trying to distract me from the fact that this colossal entrance is universal champion now .

*facial twitch, facial twitch, sweat, snort* .

this man has  never been on any controlled substance, ladies and gentlemen .

apparently oldberg is humbled .

believe it when i see it .

and he's dedicating the red belt to the fans .

who are doing a cm punk chant, because fuck you, we're chicago .

bill nods along with it like the churchill dog .

and actually engages with the crowd .

you can't do that .

punk never existed .

this is canon .

quick, bring paul heyman in before that gets any more out of hand .

shockingly, paul hasn't come alone .

like that ever happens .

so here's Bouncy McDickchest himself .

paul dramatically introduces the two .

i'm reasonably sure they already know each other .

angry old man, meet dude who fucked your career .

brock is apparently here to shake goldberg's hand .

camera guy, can we please stop getting closeups on brock's weird, fucked-up ear .

i can't stop noticing it .

paul is just doing a speech while bill and brock twitch at each other .

whoever programmed brock's idle sequence needs firing .

am i alone in not giving a single percent of the smallest shit about this feud? .

paul calls goldberg a bitch, brock f5's him .

we get a brief recap of bromance rains, but now it's enzo and cass/gallows and anderson .

bit of smackdown editing there .

here's enzo to do some freestyling .

and his mate to do lists of people from chicago who've won things .

fun twist: all those people are michael jordan .

and here come the champions with their ongoing work in progress of an entrance .

you'll get there, guys .

dramatic recap stills of the fastlane match .

handy, because i'd forgotten the screwy finish .

couldn't remember why enzo was talking about controversy .

tbh, this is another feud i'm having some real trouble giving a shit about .

ooh, but here come sheamus and cesaro .

aka the good bit of this weird three-way feud .

just to lurk at ringside and drink coffee .

so yeah, this match is very much an event that is happening and taking up space in four dimensions .

enzo knocks cesaro's coffee out of his hands, he goes to colthesline enzo, hits anderson instead, dq, match over, let's brawl .

cesaro cleans everyone out, enzo jumps on his back princess bride-style, .

sheamus brogues him off .

i'm not sure of the physics of that .

but anyway .

the swirish connection win a segment, so i am happy .

they continue to work way better than anyoen expected .

but now, let's talk about the hall of fame .

and it's rick rude and his airbrushed crotch .

who i've just realised looks like 70's austin aries .

huh .

but i knew this, because, as aforementioned, super behind .

to the point where i have a magazine next to me with his name on the cover .

damn time-displaced television .

the hof lineup this year kind of looks like a sexual assault identity parade .

ew .

but anyway .

later, bayley talks .

but now, enzo, cass, cearo and sheamus fight backstage .

mick breaks them up, says fuck it, settle this in the ring next week, #1 contender match for mania, now fuck off .

steph appears behind him like hey mick office now .

so that's gone well .

but who cares, because now HA we HA have HA the most dynamic man in japan .

versus ariya daivari, who doesn't even get an entrance any more apparently .

well, so much for those prospects .

austin not on commentary after fighting neville .

which is definitely a shame .

his presence on mic will be sorely missed .

tozawa does his big wind-up fakeout punch, makes me wonder what'd happen if he fought tyler bate .

no punches would ever actually land .

and it'd still be compelling as shit .

seriously, that suicide dive .

fucking magic .

and snap german for the win .

so that happened .

sorry, ariya .

but more importantly, akira has a mic .

calling brian out for a match now .

and here he comes .

actually *wearing* his jacket for once .

brian's just like hey no i'll answer you tomorrow on 205 and meanwhile have lesson #5 .

end segment .

well that was basically just an advert .

but hey, it meant i got to fangirl over tozawa .

and now, here's the new day yes they are .

with their ice cream cart .

corey trying to protest and reminding us all that new day ice cream does not in fact exist yet so why do they have a box for it .

which big e is now making out with .

the man has few boundaries .

oh, apparently it's the 'new day pop-cycle' .

hooray for a pun .

big e claims that hosting mania qualifies them to host a quinceanera and a bris .

which i'm less than convinced by .

and then he calls out the shining stars, when the camera pans over and reveals they were there all along .

jobbing so hard they can teleport when people forget they exist .

so yeah, that's the match we're having right now .

and in the time it took me to type that, midnight hour to epico for the pin .

side note: i adore the vitriol corey has for new day segments .

but now a women's history month segment .

about trish and lita .

and we had byron and otunga to introduce the black history moth segments, so to introduce the women's history bit, here's...michael cole .

good job, wwe .

sigh .

but next up we have bayley, who is approximately 100000% more qualified to talk about this stuff .

but now it's...mick? .

introducing bayley .

why .

bayley comes in, embarks on high-fives and hugs and shouts to the rampside crowd, and i realise she's basically the female john cena .

bayley is everything that's great about cena .

but yeah .

mick introduces bayley, congratulates her, serves what purpose in the plot? .

bayley is sad because of the screwy finish .

god, that show had so many screwy finishes .

in a desperate attempt to make us care .

bayley points at the sign, take a shot of something wholesome and non-alcoholic .

does an inspirational speech about mania, gets emotional over her dirty victory .

mick like eh, forget about it, they all count .

asks her who her mania opponent should be .

this is not normally how it works .

but here comes sasha .

points at the sign, shot of something cooler and less wholesome .

sasha wants a match with bayley at mania .

not in an antagonistic way, just like let's burn this fucker down together .

mick supports this proposal .

but here comes charlotte .

who i'm going to go out on a limb will like it less .

and dana as her arm candy .

charlotte spins this as all a huge conspiracy against her .

continues with the wedge-driving between them .

shouts at mick, mick kicks back, enter steph .

and huge punk chants .

holy shit, steph both addressed it and explicitly mentioned punk .

i guess they can do that now he's a thing elsewhere .

steph is basically supporting charlotte's argument .

and shouting at mick for fucking up the management of her show .

fucking deafening punk chants continue throughout .

mick protests, steph is just like nope fuck you overruled bayley/charlotte at mania .

mick calls sasha the boss, steph objects .

he wants sasha involved, so proposes a contendership match next week .

steph's like okay but what about instead we have sasha/bayley right fucking now and if sasha wins we'll make it a triple threat .

because fuck you i'm stephanie mcmahon .

but first, let's have a video package of wrestlemania 1, courtesy of snickers .

wrestlemania classic .

wrestlemania cool original .

ready salted mania .

ahem .

(memo: daniel, get me some crisps) .

so yes, now we have bayley/sasha, with charlotte on announce .

and dana sitting behind her without a mic .

oh wait, no, she's standing .

i feel for dana .

can't have a headset or a chair .

this match is already joining the long list of things on this episode that are better than fastlane .

meanwhile, the huge question looming over the raw women's division remains .

namely, what in the name of all the fuck ever to have fucked is going on with emma? .

i do enjoy good-natured, low-aggression, tech-heavy matches like this .

where it's clearly just two friends putting on a show .

corey keeps addressing charlotte as 'your grace' .

that is not the accepted style of address for a queen .

what do you think this is, westeros? .

some really top-quality mat wrestling in this match .

they're both really technically strong .

i do think that's something the division has lost with it being all charlotte all the time .

charlotte and dana ominously approach the ring .

side note: have charlotte and dana basically come as the two looks of gaga from the singles off joanne? .

dana just needs a big hat and we'd be there .

sasha locks in a nasty bank statement, dana distracts the ref, sasha kicks charlotte and reapplys for the pin .

i think that's how it went down .

weird finish .

and i was distracted by whoever's at ringside with a palestinian flag whenever the camera comes near them .

bold .

cue some brawlery, ending with charlotte posing with the belt and walking off to her music .

also, clarification: i meant "for the tap" .

sasha did not somehow manage to pin her with a bank statement .

that wouldn't work in any way .

but now, let's talk about brauman strains .

and play that recap clip again, in the right place this time .

so we have braun settling his business with roman later, but first an interview with hhh and a look at seth doing physio .

but before first, charly interviews roman about how he feels about his imminent conversion to samoan-flavoured jam .

he's like yeah whatever and leaves .

welp, fuck that guy .

but now, seth/hunter .

dramatic recap clips of last week .

with hunter saying he'll fuck seth up if he comes to mania, and seth being like yeah well i'll be the last man you'll ever fuck .

(i may have paraphrased slightly) .

and now we're at the therapy centre .

where seth is doing physio three times a day .

and as somebody who's done a bunch of physio, fuck .

lots of shots of him in pain .

seth's promising to be at mania if he has to sprout wings or invent a bionic limb or whatever .

but now, triple h is LIVE via satellite from...fuck, who knows .

a questionably-decorated room somewhere .

or the base of a basalt cliff .

who knows .

hunter does his wrestling dad thing like hey i just hope seth's doing his therapy and listens to his doctors and maybe DOESN'T FUCK WITH MY SHIT .

his parenting style is questionable .

hunter's letting his facial hair grow out some, and it doesn't suit him .

calls seth out for trying to push his own nicknames, which is fair .

and reiterates his threats .

that interview was about 80% the promo from last time .

corey does a bit about wanting his friend to be sensible and not anger the gods, interrupted by FUCK YOU WOMP WOMP WOMP .

(womp womp) .

it's joe, is what i'm trying to say .

if that didn't come across .

so we're having that match now .

ooh, emma video .

confirming that yes, this whole thing was either a troll campaign or an aborted angle, and emma will be back soon with her usual look and attitude .

well thank fuck for that .

maybe she was just waiting for austin to stop using those aviators .

you know you can buy them in shops, right .

? .

and now we have jericho, wearing fewer clothes than earlier .

down to the classic pants/scarf combo .

meanwhile joe's changed the colour of his shorts again .

keeps the same style for 189 years, then as soon as he changes them, he can't stop .

apparently sami and kevin are banned from ringside for this .

thanks for mentioning that cole, since it was said at precisely no point prior to this .

Chris goes for the walls, joe's just like nope fuck you i am large and dragon screws him off .

knocks joe out of the ring, tries to baseball slide him, but joe just catches him into a coquina clutch .

chokes him out, leaves him at ringside for the countout .

which is unsatisfying yet perfect, because samoa joe personally hates each and every one of us .

brings jericho back in after the bell for some more punishment, eats a codebreaker for his trouble .

but next, raw man brains .

we see braun backstage, walking so purposefully that it just looks like he's trying to catch and possibly eat the steadicam guy .

hype bits for next week, and BRAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH .

calls roman out like this isn't for a match fuck all that wrestling bullshit i just want to kill you come out and let me .

says chicago doesn't like roman, gets the biggest face pop of the show .

long beat, roman's music .

which BONG immediately BONG becomes BONG...something else .

...why is the undertaker here .

oh right, they're gonna do taker/strowman at mania, aren't they .

makes a kind of sense .

well, this at least shows us that there are longer intros than goldberg's .

the crowd are very impressed .

awkward faceoff, then braun slowly backs out of the ring .

even he has his limits .

braun wanders out through the crowd like fuck you guys, i never wanted to be here anyway .

taker's music hits again, is interrupted by roman's .

and now he's here .

so basically, i have no fucking clue what's going on .

the crowd are less than impressed by this latest turn .

or so i think, the crowd mics are leveled down so far it's hard to tell .

taker has done nothing but stand and stare in this segment .

roman's got a mic, and he's actually talking smack to taker .

bold move .

wants him to fuck off out of roman's ring/yard/dojo/whatever metaphor .

taker stares angrily at the sign, chokeslams the life out of roman .

chicago approves, and so do i .

taker's music hits again, he walks off, still without saying a word .

maybe that half-dead squid in his voicebox has got worse .

hard to take him seriously up in roman's business going HRGMFLGHGHML .

see, i can speak squid .

and now an interlude, while i go and check that i haven't accidentally offended any cephalopods reading this and daniel rehearses his performance poetry

.

take it away .

---------------- .

That wasn't bad, Daniel .

I didn't quite get the chicken bit, and it could probably stand to lose a couple of the recitations of the full script of For A Few Dollars More, but yeah .

in any case .

Running a bit later than planned (naming no Eastwood fans), and still hopelessly behind, this is TUESDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN! .

holy shit, that's actually correct .

a fortnight off being the right tuesday, but still .

where i need someone with catchy music to turn up and get x gon give it to ya out of my head .

but we're opening with a dramatically-edited recap of the bray/randy drama/casual sacrilege .

which is mostly serving to remind me how disappointed i am that we're not getting harper/wyatt at mania .

also, booooo face randy .

but i am definitely intrigued to see how this story goes .

farewell to the hell temple barn .

before i even had the chance to make a single la-mulana reference .

(well, that one counts) .

and now we're live .

here come the moneeeeeeeey .

in his crap jacket and no tie .

also here come the bryan .

okay, apparently it's already been decided that we're getting orton/styles for the contendership tonight .

but shane opens by saying that it hasn't been decided .

i think someone should get fired .

bryan wants randy to have the match, shane backs aj .

bryan's argument is basically TRADITIONNNNNNN .

which shane counters with fucked if i know what's going on this year, tradition clearly doesn't count .

which is a sound argument .

shane's just doing his best to cope with all the shit these wacky wrestlers throw up .

and they keep bringing up vts whenever they mention shit that's happened .

guys, we watch the show .

(daniel would like me to clarify that he does not, in fact, watch the show) .

the indianapolis crowd (go colts) are conflicted about this whole situation .

so now bryan is dramatically announcing that he previously announced the plans for tonight on facebook .

not convinced this is how announcements work .

apparently this is big because we've never seen orton/styles before .

but 50% of that is randy orton, so i'm finding it a little hard to care .

but up next, the mixed tag between bella/cena and carmella/ellsworth .

and lots of shitty jokes by jbl .

(these may continue for the next 90 minutes) .

after another advert in which pitbull reminds me how close mania is getting .

aaaaaaaaa the inexorable march of time .

and now, aj collars the management backstage .

apparently there's a conspiracy against him .

and he feels the best way to deal with this is to shout at his bosses .

he's like whatever fuck it i'mma go murder randy orton peace out .

but now, ellsworth has a mic .

he's actually cutting an honest-to-god promo .

which was good until he forgot how words worked for a moment there .

seriously, the man is just lana in a bad hat .

and i kind of love him for it .

indianapolis seems a lot more pro-cena than a lot of crowds .

but now let's interrupt this episode of smackdown to talk about cena's feature interview in muscle and fitness .

odd sign on hardcam for this episode is 'PaBLO' .

weird capitalisation and all .

bell rings, miz and maryse immediately turn up .

the faces stare dumbfounded for a while, until nikki gets kicked in the head by carmella .

cut to ads, and we come back with miz and maryse on announce .

nikki tags cena, ellsworth stays on the apron like fuck this i'm out .

carmella takes it to him about this, shoves him bodily into cena .

then starts shouting at cena, and gets smacked down by nikki .

nikki and cena both do five knuckle shuffles, and it's evident which of them has done it every match for a decade .

into an aa and a rack attack, for the pin .

at which point miz and maryse immediately blindside them .

and now miz gets to do his speech .

apparently cena is a liar and his relationship with nikki is a sham .

because we're dredging the pre-nup drama from season 1 of total divas up again? .

and apparently cena is stealing miz's shtick .

and doing everything in service of his brand .

which is kind of true? .

i do love it when miz gets to properly rip into someone .

maryse takes the mic purely so she can call nikki a bitch and then throw it at her .

makeout, end segment .

apparently later alexa will be presenting a 'blissertation' .

fuck the what .

but now renee nervously interviews randy at his dressing room .

he's like fuck alla y'all, i burnt down a hell church .

which is a solid argument .

cursory hall of fame thing, rick rude still a person that existed .

cut to the ring, where curt hawkins is suddenly here and calling out dean ambrose .

what the fuck is even your deal, dude .

oh hey, dean is actually coming .

comes out with the ic belt i forgot he had .

coldcocks curt halfway down the ramp, proceeds to call out baron himself .

meanwhile, tom calls curt hawkins 'burt', and mauro calls him 'chad' .

ooooooh, callout about baron not having testicles .

3edgy5me .

baron appears on the tron from his alleyway .

promises to kill dean when he wants to .

dean resolves to come to him instead, perfunctorily hits a dirty deeds on curt on the way out for giggles .

women's history month thing, announced by precisely no women .

also, this is the exact same video as on raw .

black history month had different people each night .

but nope, we can't think of that many women .

and now, dean is backstage looking for a giant dickhead .

weird cut .

to an advert for the kids' choice awards? .

whatever, smackdown .

you do you .

and then cut back to dean, elsewhere backstage .

and then to dasha interviewing mojo rawley? .

FUCK .

SLOW DOWN .

mojo's wearing a waistcoat and tie, and it looks like his mum dressed him .

he's entering the andre the giant battle royal, because that's apparently still a thing .

dolph appears to mock him .

although how you can mock anyone when you're rocking that horrible topknot and low-cut top combo .

mojo gets to throw a bit of shade back, dolph leaves .

cut to dean somewhere else, because smackdown wants me to have an aneurysm .

and baron ambushes dean and just fucking assaults him with a pipe .

dean's just like yeah okay good talk .

because dean .

baron drops him under the prongs of a forklift and lowers them on him .

is this a reference i think it iiiiiiis .

security appear to remind baron he's not allowed to operate machinery .

and call medical for dean .

cut back to the arena, where jbl's take on the situation is basically 'welp, fuck that guy' .

and i can't argue .

but now here are alexa and mickie .

for the oh god i'm not typing that horrible pun again .

this segment presented by snickers: eat a snickers, do a thing. .

alexa's on the mic, and already fire as usual .

she's like oh hey who am i not going to be fighting at mania point at the siiiiiiiign .

she proceeds to list basically the entire division .

while mickie laughs at her jokes .

starts talking smack about becky, and guess who turns up .

(it's not david arquette) .

she's here to make a beclaration .

which she apologises for immediately .

becky says she's going to kill her at mania point at the siiiiiign, and here's nattie? .

becky has been addressed as 'chucky' and 'beaker' so far this segment .

i think they might be reaching a bit .

aparently nattie and alexa are "championship calibre material" .

that is not how those words work .

alexa's immediately just like ha fuck no i'm not fighting you .

argument ensues, mickie shouts them all down for interrupting alexa's segment .

while they should be announcing how mickie's going to fight alexa .

alexa's just like ummmm excuse you .

nobody actually knows what's going on .

cue general argument .

but hey, here's bryan to resolve matters for these feeble women .

he's just like um guys this segment is shit let's sort it out .

apparently him and shane have decided alexa can prove that she's the best in the division by fighting everyone in it .

because hey, why should the tag division have all the 'chuck everyone in the same match because fuck it' fun? .

and he's also making a cheap teddy long reference .

and also a tag match with these four .

becky/nattie, which makes approximately no fuckng sense .

but then, i guess tensions are a bit high in the heel corner as well .

alexa goes down to the shittiest basement dropkick ever from nattie .

more akin to just slipping on an unexpected icy patch .

luckily, becky tags herself in to kick it up approximately 213 notches .

i could watch becky/mickie and becky/bliss for a long time .

i mean, i do still think nattie's largely underappreciated, but everyone else in this is just *so much better* .

heel shenanigans take becky down for a weirdly long time of nothing at shitting all .

nattie is trying to urge her partner on in a very familiar wrestling-mum way .

has she forgotten she's a heel now .

becky doesn't give a shit, and is just winning the match on her own .

until nattie just comes in and suplexes her because fuck it .

nattie walks out, alexa gets the pin .

good match, but why the fuck would it not be .

alexa and micke celebrate, right up until mickie kicks alexa in the head and poses with her belt .

smackdown live, where everyone hates everyone .

now let's have an ad for summerslam, because forward planning is good, kids .

and some recap vids of the baron/dean attitude segment .

which just serve to let jbl complain more .

oh, and a medical statement .

which basically informs us that dean's chest is suffering from a nasty case of 'having a fucking forklift lowered on it' .

talking smack this week has miz and maryse, alexa bliss, and...apollo crews? really? .

was the idea not to have people who were actually on the fucking main show? .

but in happier news, here's austin aries to do a 205 ad .

he looks weird without the shades .

but now, our main event .

they continue not to want none .

aj has a mic .

and is calling out the ridiculous double standards around this match .

he wins a bunch of matches, still has to fight for this spot and generally to be taken seriously, while randy burn's down a man's house and gets a title shot for it .

when you put it like that, wrestling all seems kind of ridiculous .

crowd start chanting for aj, he only gets more pissed off .

like shut up guys i know who i am .

and here comes said unrepentant arsonist .

everyone's hyping 'the greatest smackdown live main event ever', and i can't help but feel like we'll be disappointed .

match starts, and the crowd have no clue who to chant for .

well this is certainly a lot of side headlocks .

otunga calls randy's infiltration of the wyatts "one of the most methodical plans ever seen in wwe" .

which is not exactly the highest bar .

planning has never been the strong suit of anyone involved .

this is a very methodical match on the part of aj, which is to say it's really fucking dull .

woman in the crowd starts talking really loud shit at aj while he's at ringside, so randy drops him on the barricade right in front of her .

after which she really awkwardly tries to touch randy .

fuck the wrestling, there's a biopic right there .

i want to know more about this weirdly invested lady .

aj gets randy in one of those aggressive hug submission holds where it's really hard to tell who's trying to submit who .

his main offence in this is either headlocks or kicking randy in the legs .

like i say, that's a style that makes perfect logical sense and probably works, but that is not what we watch pro wrestling for .

randy does his big powerslam, followed by a full nelson slam rather than his usual vipering out .

side note: aj still has the club insignia on his tights .

did we ever get a clear conclusion on whether they're still friends or anything? .

randy tries to spike aj off the turnbuckle, gets a facefull of ring post and an ushigoroshi for his trouble .

aj winds up the styles clash for about fourteen years, randy counters out into his draping ddt .

which aj also counters out of .

into a calf crusher .

still one of the more legit painful-looking holds out there .

randy gets to the ropes after much manly roaring .

aj goes for a stinger splash, randy counters by just being like oh hey i can walk away from this spot .

does the draping ddt, snakes up the band .

but aj counters the rko with a pele kick .

okay, this match took some time to get going, btu this is good .

aj starts the phenomenal forearm then cancels out, leading randy to rko some air .

but then randy dodges a springboard 450 into a popup rko for the pin .

so we're back to bray/randy at mania .

remind me again what the point of the last month was? .

randy gets up on the turnbuckle, appears briefly torn between doing the pretty and pointing at the siiiiiiign, then plumps for the latter while a despondent aj lies on the ramp .

and so we fade, with an overwhelming sense of inevitability .

on which note, time is continuing to move forward, so i'll cut myself off now, but expect me back sooner rather than later .

daniel, roll credits .

YOU HAVE BEEN READING WWEM .

WORDS: EMMA .

EVERYTHING ELSE: DANIEL (ALSO THESE WORDS)

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - More Uncomfortable Than a Hedgehog at a Balloon Party

Watched by Emma, posted by Chris. You’re welcome.

Transmission date: Monday 6/Tuesday 7 February 2017

. Brought to you this week by the colour of rain-soaked earth and the letter in which your partner of sixteen years said they had moved to Stockholm without you, this is FRIDAY AFTERNOON RAW! .

opening with recaps of The Hunter Show last week .

and the dramatic history of one mr rollins .

which is mostly serving to remind me how outstanding that promo was .

the man can speechify .

also, SAMOA FUCKING JOE .

i am so looking forward to a seth/joe feud .

and we come into the present with mick and steph already in the ring .

mick introduces joe with a prepared statement, while clearly not happy with this situation .

and enter joe .

wearing a suit, which is weird .

coordinated pocket square and everything .

you sold out chants start immediately .

steph does the intro again, this time with enthusiasm .

mick tries to get this whole thing over with, steph is pissed .

mick coming very close to explicitly setting himself against the authority .

oooooooooh .

joe has a mic, all is right with the world .

puts the whole locker room on notice, take a whole range of shots .

shockingly, joe does not care for mick's attitude .

signs the contract, in comes seth .

wait no .

roman .

fuck, you'd think i'd recognise people's entrances by now .

good job, me .

roman comes out, asks to be threatened .

also introduces himself to joe .

when i am like 80% sure they're related .

huh, apparently not .

welp, guess i can't get things right today .

in any case, mick decided to exercise the bit of power he had left and made a roman/joe match tonight .

they're saying seth's injured, but that feels more of a work .

later we have goldberg talking to the memory of brock .

and now cesaro, sheamus and bayley walk backstage .

cesaro still loving it, sheamus still nonplussed .

because we now have bayley/nia .

which was a really good match when we had it in...brooklyn? .

recap video of the six-person mixed tag from last week, including a bit where we edited it together to make it look like cesaro didn't fuck up that top rope crossbody .

off the back of that, apparently bayley has a title shot next week .

which is lucky, because charlotte only wins on ppvs .

also off the back of that, cesaro was sent back to the performance centre to think about what he's done .

so far, this match is just nia beating the piss out of bayley .

with the power of the best real name in wrestling .

also the floor .

and the turnbuckles .

bayley gets a brief attack phase, nia just stops midway through being beaten into a corner like wait why am i just taking this .

and turn rounds to mash bayley's face into the turnbuckle some more .

bayley gets a couple of hits in, so nia just kills her with a rainmaker .

throws her out fo the ring, takes the opportunity to mock some fans .

and get thrown into the ring post .

countout begins, ref gets to the seventh TEN before getting distracted by charlotte running in .

bayley kicks her out of the ring, then eats a samoan drop off the distraction for the win .

and we all love how much i know distraction-based shenanigan wins .

especially combined with countouts .

nia leaves, charlotte poses with her belt over bayley's corpse .

end thing .

later, we have sami/jericho for the us title .

and a tag title rematch .

all belts alla time tonight .

but nBRAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH .

oh hey .

in a 4-on-1 handicap match .

you can probably fill in what's going to happen yourselves .

he's fighting four brightly-coloured men whose names i heard and immediately forgot .

because i apparently missed the fact that corey had made a pantera reference last week, i should just point out that he just said braun was "far beyond driven" .

braun murders everyone .

one of them runs away mid-match .

running powerslam to the green ranger, piles the other two on top of him, pins all three .

all of whom are now dead .

(o discordia) .

and now he suddenly has a mic .

he's pissed at mick for throwing jobbers at him .

so now he's leaving the ring to hunt him down .

cut backstage, where mick has come out to face him .

bold .

and mick's giving him a match against roman at fastlane .

somehow this satisfies braun .

between that and joe's first match being against roman, it's becoming clear that roman is just a placeholder for 'a big match' .

he serves no other purpose .

but far more importantly .

up next .

AKIRA FUCKING TOZAWA .

but first, a black history month interstitial .

with a quote from aretha franklin .

who was apparently at mania 3, so *shrug* .

but yes .

now we have akira tozawa and the unending hype of his entrance music .

it's like some kind of alternative gorillaz track .

he's fighting drew gulak, who hasn't even had an entrance .

got upstaged by aretha franklin .

unless that's his new entrance .

bold new direction .

aaaaaand akira's kicking sixteen shades of shit out of gulak .

shocker there .

and he's got a cool purple/blue mouthguard .

and the best fucking suicide dive in the business .

look at that .

fucking marvellous .

everyone else, take lessons .

and i love how much tozawa can work a crowd without speaking their language .

and snap german suplex for the pin .

still an absolute brutal finisher .

made all the better by the fact that he can do it mid-sentence .

and here's brain kendrick to congratulate him? .

hmm .

developments to come on that score, clearly .

end segment, hype video for goldberg .

side note: if it hasn't become clear, i fucking LOVE akira tozawa .

ad for elimination chamber, something something brand split something .

but in any case, here are kevin and chris .

(not chrevin) .

(even i couldn't make that stick) .

kevin gets to posture about being champion some more .

and chris follows suit .

he's taking issue with tom brady stealing his nickname .

so he's on the list .

this pleases the crowd .

we're in atlanta, if i hadn't mentioned .

chris is here to talk to us about wrestlemania .

calling for a chris/kevin title v title match .

well, it's finally been said .

the crowd want to see this .

i want to see this .

and shockingly, kevin wants to see it .

but he says he wouldn't be able to do it .

awwww .

fwends .

and then interrupted by goldberg's entrance? .

guess they've got time to go for a drink and hammer out the finer points of this negotiation .

much as i mock goldberg's enormously long entrance (and i will continue to do so, because it is), it's nice to see bits like it that tie the arena together as a space .

non-news of the day: emma likes tracking shots .

kevin and chris are unsure what to make of this interloper .

bill wants to fight them both .

not or any particular reason .

just cos they're there .

it'll make a change from his usual diet of fighting baristas and sales reps just to get through the day .

he's acceptin brock's challenge because he never turns down a chance for a fight .

point at the siiiiiiiiiign .

thunderous chants from the crowd, gol clap from kevin .

kevin is like yes this is a great idea this will be a perfect undercard match for our ppv .

so goldberg's challenging kevin for fastlane .

chris starts his putting someone on the list spiel, goldberg takes it off him, puts his own name on it, and calmly hands it back .

and announces himself making the list .

nice touch .

chris is none too pleased with this turn of events .

so he angrily accepts his challenge on behalf of kevin .

I AM PISSED WITH YOU THEREFORE YES YOU MAY INDEED FIGHT MY FRIEND .

classic playground tactic right there .

kevin doesn't care for this .

and apparently they're making it a title match? .

so jerichal interference .

because they're not gonna have goldberg go down, but if they make goldberg the champion i'll throw something .

now kevin and chris are backstage arguing .

chris like it's fine, i'll have your back .

kevin just like dude have you ever misunderstood my problem with this and storms off .

ooooooooooh tension .

recap of ceshearo losing the belts, sponsored by chicken .

all chicken .

promotional consideration, by a chicken .

Buck-AWK. .

in any case, now we have the tag title rematch .

cesaro and sheamus now ith a slightly more coordinated entrance .

enzo and cass at ringside for some reason .

not even on announce .

they're sitting where the announce table would be, were they on a lesser show .

anderson continues to do the backward belt spin, despite looking more uncomfortable with it than a hedgehog at a balloon party .

please let them drop the belts here, just so he can stop doing that .

cesaro and sheamus continue to be remarkably coordinated as a team thus far .

case in point, that rolling neckbreaker/running double stomp combo there .

neckbreaker? .

what neckbreaker? .

that was a rolling senton .

the fuck is wrong with me today .

either i am exceptionally sloppy today, or the entirety of my past output is suddenly suspect .

have i been a blithering moron all along .

who can say .

not me .

possibly due to blithering moronity .

cesaro's rolling hot tag is always cool .

i'm easily pleased .

it turns out you can do a forward roll into basically any spot and i will enjoy it unreservedly .

i blame rvd .

cesaro and sheamus do a big combo on anderson, gallows doesn't even let the count get to two before breaking it .

way to heighten tension, dude .

gallows gets hit outside of the ring, kicks enzo for no real reason, and cass hits him, causing the dq .

despite him not being the legal man at the time? .

ah well .

wrestling .

up next, an update on seth's health OR OTHERWISE .

but first, a bit about black history month .

well, at least they got byron to do the intro .

it would have been spectacularly tone-deaf for them to have cole do it, but still probably the 723rd most racist thing the company had done this year .

a variety of black superstars give us a lesson about jackie robinson .

that was actually pretty well-done .

congrats, wwe .

you passed the lowest bar .

but now, back to white men shouting at each other .

in this case, seth and trips .

also joe .

who isn't white .

but also doesn't talk in this video .

so my point stands .

oh, ffs .

apparently seth tore his mcl during that particular beating .

so may well not be here for mania .

fucking hell .

in any case, here are the new day .

to fight the shining stars .

who are...apparently still employed? .

kofi talks about seeing them every week, despite the fact that we haven't seen them since like november

.

big e gets a guy in the crowd to eat bootyos out of his hand to serve a speech xavier's making .

because of course .

new day are the 'because wrestling' of wrestling .

and now they're saying about releasing their own ice cream .

...sure, why not .

but to ads, cut back and big e is already beating up epico .

big e and xavier are in, a sure sign that this is a match they aren't taking seriously .

they keep punctuating spots by screaming ICE CREEEEEEEEAM!!!!! .

and getting the crowd to chant it .

i don't understand anything any more .

also i can't eat dairy .

fuck you, new day .

"There's no denying the talent that Primo and Epico have!" .

yes there is, cole .

i do it every week .

or i would, were they ever fucking here .

i dunno .

maybe they're great in the kitchen .

i'm just saying that whatever talent they have, it's not one that presents itself in a professional wrestling context

.

every time it's on camera, cole is doing his damnedest to point out the siiiiiiiiiign .

(couldn't resist) .

dramatic corner-cam hot tag, take a dutch-angled shot .

xavier knocks primo out of the ring and directly into the cameraman .

midnight hour on epico for the pin, assisted by constantly roaring the phrase 'ice cream' .

advert #2 for chamber, this time with announce team VO .

sigh .

also, is anyone really going to take their free month of the network a month and a half before mania? .

anyway .

now we have...charly? (fuck, i'm trying to work on that) interviewing chris about his match with sami .

chris is going to win, and his friendship with kevin is as solid as ever .

also, confirmed: it is charly .

or it was .

kevin has appeared, and she has slunk away .

kevin is like sorry dude i know you'll be there for me i'll be there for you tonight against sami ilu man .

announcing more hof inductees .

this time, the rock 'n' roll express .

yeah, i can't really argue .

but now, we have sami/chris .

if sami wins this (he won't) and doesn't react with I'M THE BEST I'M THE BEST I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING BEST, i'm gone .

kevin giving chris an aggressive backrub before the bell rings .

have i mentioned how they're the greatest double act in the business recently? .

sami's coming into this with a brand new i-just-don't-give-a-shit attitude .

i approve .

say what you will about sami zayn, but the man does a picture-perfect tope con giro .

hell, this is a really fun match all round .

chris is unimpressed with the ref's counting speed .

they always are .

exploder, dodge the helluva kick into the walls, counter to a blue thunder bomb .

i could watch sami zayn matches all day .

chris counters a tornado ddt by just standing there like what exactly are you trying to achieve .

gets into the walls, sami takes it for ages again before getting the break .

and then, as the ref's pulling chris out of it, kevin kicks sami in the face .

shocker .

and codebreaker for the pin .

oh look, sami lost a thing .

RIP sami zayn ever winning anything .

(o discordia, on the shores of the abyss) .

recaps of kevberg from earlier .

(my favourite lettuce) .

for no reason other than to tell us that's been made official .

which they already said .

oh, and brockberg at mania .

which i guess hadn't been officially announced yet .

so .

*shrug* .

backstage, sasha is having her knee looked at by the trainer .

and charlotte comes to taunt her .

this raises questions, like 'why are people allowed to just wander into the medical room?' and 'why is sasha even here on this show?' .

but in any case, charlotte leaves without incident .

and now, more cruiserweights .

in this case, austin interviewing neville .

...austin is wearing a banana in his breast pocket instead of a pocket square .

and it's not even matching a yellow shirt .

there's a segment going on, but i'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything else .

upshot is, there'll be a 5-way elimination for #1 contendership on 205 this week .

neville, astonishingly, is not scared of any of them .

here comes cedric, to argue otherwise .

austin like um dude, doing an interview here .

and we have noam, who's brought his own mic .

(the other three in this match are nese, jack, and...fuck, my memory) .

here's jack, to apologise for interrupting .

and tony .

or, in austin's words, "Oh, here come Tony Nese's abs!" .

and tjp .

.

who was the fifth man, and i managed to completely forget .

he also gets to talk .

perks of being a former champion .

every time tjp claims to be the first cruiserweight champion, brian pillman cries a solitary salty tear .

while that image was happening, tjp started a brawl .

all of them get knocked outside, neville sets up for a tope, then just stops like aw fuck all of you .

classic geordie bait and switch .

fade so we can have another emmalina video .

apparently she's coming next week .

so we can finally stop having those teasers and see how much of a trash fire it is .

in any case, fade back in, and it's a heels v faces 6-man tag match .

noam and jack beat the piss out of each other like hey remember icw .

and on announce, austin is just enormously pissed about them ruining his interview .

also his colleagues .

"Michael Cole has a body like a bag of milk!" .

noam steals a tag meant for neville to try and impress him, then completely loses jack gallagher immediately .

so neville refuses to tag back in off him .

meanwhile, cole just called tjp "the flim-flam flash" .

smooth .

neville walks off in a perpetual huff, leaving tony to get detonation kicked .

and noam takes a nasty lumbar check (because they all are) for the pin .

now, chris and kevin have a deep talk in the locker room .

chris wants a festival next week to celebrate the depth of their friendship .

is chris jericho actually a my little pony character .

discuss .

apparently it's going to be 'the wrestlemania of friendship' .

kevin's face is like i have no fucking clue what this is but i love you for it .

frankly, i think everyone watching looks like that .

up next, joe/roman .

joeman? .

no .

i'm not massively invested in this, but on the upside, it should be an opportunity to watch roman get the shit beaten out of him .

chamber ad #3 .

just saying .

and a long package about cena/styles .

accompanied by...is that fucking world of goo music? .

and a video of notable past superstars telling you how stupid it is to go into the chamber .

which is probably true .

because it could always turn out to be elimination chamber 2015 .

but in any case, fuck this video is long .

guess they needed to de-purple the ring .

teasers for next week's raw from vegas, including the festival of friendship, which now has its own logo .

but for the opposite of fun and anticipation, here comes roman .

as roman is making his usual slow-ass way down the ramp, joe just sprints down after him and commences to crap-kicking .

sound strategy .

corey just referred to joe as 'the cerebral assassin's personal assassin' .

well that's fucking cumbersome .

cut to ads, cut back and the match actually begins .

i say 'match', it's the same beating, just happens to be inside the ring .

and roman gets the occasional attack phase .

but is still basically getting joed to death .

wait, cole just said we were in portland .

clearly just a lot of atlanta fans in the house tonight .

or just jericho fans, i guess .

huh .

well, that makes the fact that they're in vegas next week make more sense .

be a hell of a trek otherwise . not much to say about this match, other than samoa joe will straight fuck you up .

and roman needs to learn when to lie down .

roman hits a nice samoa drop on joe, which is kind of impressive in itself .

he is not a small man .

joe takes that, a driveby, and a superman punch in short order, and roman sets up for a spBRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHH .

and joe hits a big suplex off the distraction for the win .

Braun Strowman: Avatar of Nope .

and i just love how over he's getting purely off the back of fucking roman up .

we can all unite in saying fuck that guy .

braun poses with the ring steps for approximately seven hours before hitting roman with them .

and then drives him through a barricade .

and we fade on refs trying to separate braun from roman's corpse .

poor narrative consistency, questionable matchups, but it ended with roman getting killed by a giant. 11/10.

.

of course, i say 'end' .

this blog does not know words such as 'end' .

(because he's called 'blakc' now) .

but that aside .

something something FRIDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN! .

didn't even need a line there .

i can stop whenever i want .

opening on a dramatic video package about randy and cena .

"But now, two familiar foes write the next chapter in their historic rivalry!" .

translation: we've been doing this for fifteen years .

please make us stop .

fuck, this video is long .

but tonight, we're in seattle .

notable for being much closer to portland than atlants .

and here comes bryan .

with a shirt with washington on it .

just in case he takes too much organic hemp and forgets where he lives .

the crowd are clearly happy to clap and chant for him all show .

it'd save me some work, that's for damn sure .

there we go, he's talking .

apparently this is the first time back to seattle since he retired .

for the show, not for him .

because, as mentioned, he does in fact live here .

talks about having a kid, massive pop .

in comes the miz to shit on parenthood .

mauro claims that miz is heading into his second hell in a cell match, tom immediately takes the link off him and does it properly .

hey, maffew .

miz is in fact supporting bryan being a dad .

because he should go and do that full-time .

bryan like lol whatever you can't wrestle aren't i witty .

(also i can say whatever i want because this crowd will support me 10000%) .

crowd try to drown miz out, he's like um guys i have a microphone do you know how that works .

a bad witticism later, here comes baron .

mauro makes the same fucking mistake again .

gdi, dude .

baron starts talking trash at miz, but miz still proposes an alliance at chamber .

goes down poorly .

bryan (verbatim) : "Oh no. Baron, please don't punch Miz in the face. That would be terrible." .

and now here comes dean .

but i'm still being entirely distracted by baron's shitty teenager moustache .

dean takes issue with baron stealing the motorcycle noise from his music .

which i can't rmemeber pointing out before, but would be amazed if i hadn't .

and here's aj .

asking if they're done playing ticklebutt .

whatever .

"Do we live in some kind of fantasy world, where facts don't matter?" .

well, aj, in fact, [NOPE - STILL TOO SOON] .

aj continues to tell fans not to chant for him, goes down as well as usual .

bryan says 'whoa' so many times that i start to think he's having a flashback, before making this a 4-way match starting GODDAMN NOW .

bell rings, miz tries to coordinate a plan with baron corbin .

not realising he is entirely lacking in settings other than GAR and GRUMP .

"If you wanna become a wrestler, just punch someone in the face really hard. It works." .

JBL: not recommended for all situations .

miz does the yes knees on aj and dean together, it looks even dumber than usual .

and now, everyone pins and clotheslines each other .

followed by a really long and unwieldy tower of doom spot .

is there any other kind? .

i talk a lot of shit about baron, but that was a fucking exquisite counter into a deep six right there .

stopped clock, etc. .

named, of course, after the subterranean city beneath toronto .

miz counters a styles clash into a busaiku knee, which he's actually sorting out how to do properly .

dean does a suicide dive, and it's not horrificc, but he's no akira tozawa .

aj almost falls off the ropes, turns it into a beautiful moonsault reverse ddt .

and that's why he's the phenomenal one .

(and you're a schmuck) .

maryse pulls aj out of the ring, baron hits the end of days on miz for the pin .

because sure, why not .

we all know he won't win at chamber, and this leaves the realistic options open .

"There's no better time to start your 30 day free trial!" .

sorry tom, but there empirically is .

in like three weeks .

later we have a double women's contract signing, because why not .

but now, luke harper gives a sermon from bray's lightbulb room .

shockingly, he's pissed at randy .

but has decided it'd be too easy to kill him, so he's going to torture him at chamber instead .

should be interesting .

but now, nikki bella in a white-tinted concrete room and natalya in a pink-tinted concrete room have an interview with a disturbingly close-focus shot of tom teleconferencing for everyone's safety .

apparently nattie is dead to nikki, and plans toexpose her as a terrible wrestler .

and awful human being at chamber .

this all feels very nikki-v-brie-died-in-the-womb .

and nattie makes it about nikki not having kids .

seriously, can we stop having the total divas storylines .

case in point: apparently, after chamber, cena will leave nikki for another woman .

nikki comes to my viewpoint of fuck this segment and leaves .

end of thing .

that was weird .

titlecard for cena/orton later tonight, no voiceover, card for crews/ziggler up next, still none

.

cut to break and we're back .

that was weird .

but yes, now we have crews v ziggler .

dolph is striking up the band like three spots in .

and crews gets a rollup .

for the pin .

huh .

what was the point of that .

so dolph kicks him in the head and gets a chair .

which, amazingly, doesn't backfire .

just gets to wail on apollo a bit .

but here comes kalisto .

fun fact: i have no fucking clue who the focus of this rivalry is .

"Kalisto shows Ziggler that two can play the kicking game!" .

i fucking LOVE the kicking game .

just preordered kicking 2k18 .

now with 380 styles of kick .

so dolph hits kalisto with the chair too and walks off .

anticlimaaaaaaaaax .

contracts up next, but first, david otunga introduces a video of black superstars telling us about rosa parks .

although, to my knowledge, she was never at wrestlemania .

mark henry and jason jpordan got to be in that one .

guess they just don't give a shit about baseball .

now, bryan catches dolph backstage .

dolph like fuck you i'm leaving i could beat all these fuckers but i just like chairs .

so bryan's giving him a handicap match at chamber so he can beat both those fuckers .

but now, the FIRST EVER DUAL CONTRACT SIGNING .

which they're trying to make a thing .

despite it differing from two contract signings only inasmuch as we cou;ldn't be bothered to clear the ring between them .

hey, if we continue down this road, maybe we'll reach a point where all contract signings are done at the same time in an office somewhere .

crazy idea, i know .

but yeah, renee's MCing this .

and here come our heels .

mickie and alexa, to be exact .

i just realised i never made it clear which two matches were being discussed here

.

it's becky/mickie and naomi/alexa .

i've just realised - don't say it too loud, but there'll be (gasp) three whole women's matches in one ppv .

the other three are here in their street clothes, naomi comes in in her gear .

.

because otherwise her entrance wouldn't work .

stands there awkwardly like did nobody else see fancy dress on the invite .

renee starts to introduce them, micke's just like hey i'm a professional i can handle this and takes the event over .

apparently she's had seven years of rage .

that doesn't seem healthy .

gets annoyed at becky taking credit for the women's revolution, proceeds to claim to have created becky .

hypocrisy, from a heel? .

shocking, i know .

speech done, sign the paper .

now it's becky's turn .

basically doing the same speech as hhh on raw last week, about people taking time away when they can't handle it and then expecting respect when they come back .

but she's a face, so it's ok .

speech over, sign the paper, alexa's turn .

her speech, as usual, comes down to 'i'm the best and you're a bitch' .

does a whole promo on becky and then turns to naomi like oh hey i forgot you were there i'mma beat you on sunday btw .

naomi gets her turn, talks about mania being in her hometown, points at the siiiiiiign .

good promos all round there .

signs the paper, kicks alexa in the head over the table .

cue brawl .

naomi shows the perks of being the only one in athletic gear by hitting a lovely plancha on mickie and alexa .

and they run away .

i'm really hoping they give naomi the title, tbh .

she deserves a run .

apparently on sunday we have a tag team turmoil match .

and now we have a 12-man match .

because smackdown still doesn't know any way to handle a tag division that doesn't involve putting them all in there at the same time

.

so yeah, it's alpha/slyno/breezango vs ascension/usos/vaudevillains .

maybe this is their real problem .

that they only have two face teams .

why the fuck are breezango working with them .

although that's currently moot because it's chad gable vs the world .

(a film i would watch) .

they open it up a bit, including tyler dicking on his own nominal team, and it gets oh so much sloppier .

they've changed viktor's paint again, and he looks like discount finn bálor .

ascension pull out a really nice double team sequence in which you see a brief flash of how good they used to be, then gets in a slap fight with aidan english while heath slater tags out .

sigh .

devolves into a massive brawl, nobody can tell the difference .

and alpha ("the" american alpha if you're mauro) clear everyone out .

viktor blindsides jason, and then dodges a gore into a high knee for...a...win? .

the ascension won a thing? .

wait, are we sure we aren't moving backward through time? .

shit, is that why the brands are red and blue .

did the wwe get doppler shifted through time? .

advert for otunga guesting on some fucking show, but next, cena/orton .

advert for fastlane, despite this show having its own ppv before then .

tom delivers a hype piece for chamber, mauro sits there like okay i know what i said can i have my microphone back now please .

but before we can have the actual match, let's have this long-ass video package about how IT'S THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER YOU'RE GONNA DIE again .

including rvd .

dude doesn't even fucking work here any more .

all of them like oh god it's horrible it'll kill you and then shawn michaels comes on like hey it might kill you, but on the other hand, you get to kill people .

it's always the quiet ones .

but now for the actual main event .

after seventeen video packages about all the other products we offer .

weird seeing cena with a belt again .

kind of comforting, but weird .

like falling back into an old habit you aren't sure is good for you .

and here comes randy and his minder .

in unsurprising announcement news, harper/orton is confirmed for chamber .

cut to ads and we're on with the match .

bray is clearly not that worried, as the rocking chair is back .

cena takes a break to listen to seattle chant for him and grin like a four-year-old .

this match is slow as balls, and let's be honest, you've seen it before .

we've all seen it before .

there are archaea living in an undersea volcanic vent that have seen cena/orton at least once .

for those of you looking to sync your old tapes, we just had the bit where cena counters out of a draping ddt .

orton slams cena onto the announce table, all the announcers stand up and dive for cover, except jbl, who just moves backwards slightly like guys these chairs have wheels .

weird rushed five knuckle shuffle, aa, clean pin, and randy kicks out anyway like fuck your five moves .

does a draping ddt off the top rope, which i'm not sure i've seen before .

so there's that at least .

takes a moment to strike up the snake .

rko, clean pin, cena kicks out because two can play at that game motherfucker .

guys .

one of you is going to have to take a pin, or we'll be here all night .

cena goes for another aa, randy counters into an 'accidental' ref bump .

cena goes for an stf, randy taps to get him to stop, then him and bray start beating on him with no supervision .

luke harper inserts himself into the conversation .

faces up to bray .

and discus clotheslines him back to whatever dark dimension spawned him .

randy goes for an rko, luke pushes him away like fuck you i get to be the hero for once, right into a waiting aa .

and the ref is miraculously back to count the pin .

forces of good (and sort of good) triumph, kick cena's music, point at the sign, and we can all go home .

well, we've got some recaps first .

and cena needs to exuberantly pose with a belt for a while .

also his inspirational flannel .

and thus we fade .

(no, i'm still not watching talking smack) .

right, just got 205 and nxt to catch up on, and then it's chamber on sunday .

the wheel of wrestling turns .

see you all a-twitter