#i like reading the emails they send out before class starts and bitching sorry LOL

[vaaaaaiolet]

the honors credit policies at my uni are so aggravating i might jump

[brandtmax]

welcome back to gallagher academy, soo-yun ‘maxine’ brandt ! according to their records, they’re a first year, specializing in research & development; and they did not go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of ( sugar-free mints, a messy low bun, wisps of hair alongside her face, the end of a pen between her teeth, the patek philippe calatrava 4897r-010 in rose gold, off-white pants in every fabric ). when it’s the ( virgo ) ’s birthday on 08/23/1997, they always request their japchae from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. 

henlo it me again i hope u guys aren’t sick of me yet bc i have a new bby named max! i’ve written a lot™️ so brace urself but it’s worth it ( i think ) + trigger warnings: death and alcohol dependency under the cut xxx

the basics

full name: soo-yun ‘ maxine ’ brandt

nicknames: max — just max

age: twenty-two years old

birthday: august 23rd, 1997

gender: cis female

preferred pronouns: she / her

sexuality: bisexual

major: research & development (  formerly a b.a. political science degree from yale university )

known languages: english ( native ) / german ( native ) / korean ( native )

background

nationality: american

birthplace: new haven, connecticut, new hampshire

current location: gallagher academy, roseville, virginia

financial status: upper class

religion: non-theistic

appearance

eye color: brown

hair color: black

height: 5′8.5″

notable features: curly hair on lazy days, rosy cheeks

usual mood and expression: calm, furrowed eyebrows whenever her eyes are on work; lethargic and irritable when she’s overworked ( or without alcohol )

family

birth order: second born

parents: soon-bok ‘ vivian ’ jang and stephen brandt ( d. 2018 )

siblings: min-jun ‘ parker ’ brandt ( b. 1995 ) & georgia ‘ gigi ’ brandt ( b. 2001 )

significant others: chris harmon ( 2013-2015 ) / ava carrillo ( 2015-2016 )

her story so far (this is so long n serious lol)

soo-yun 'maxine' brandt was born and raised in new haven, connecticut, to jang soon-bok ( vivian ), a surgeon, and stephen brandt, a ( n allegedly shady ) criminal justice lawyer.

the brandt siblings were raised like any other blue-blooded, very strict but loving household ( strict = mom / loving = dad )

brandt house rules: get straight a’s, follow the 12 am curfew and don't bring anyone home that you know you’d get disowned for. follow those three rules, and you can do whatever you want.

there was pressure for the brandt siblings to be academically accomplished, but it wasn't anything they couldn't handle. they were well-tutored, semi-popular, attractive teenagers, which were common in new haven, and everyone knew they were destined for ivy league.

in high school, she dated chris harmon, and it was the kind of relationship that could only be described as the personification of a kinder egg. sweet on the outside, a waste of time and money on the inside.

which is fine; it took max about 2 months to get over it when they broke up halfway through senior year, because neither of them thought of their relationship going far. the joy of getting into yale ( already expected ) trumped the feeling of losing a boyfriend. she even bet parker $5,000 she'd get early admission. she won.

during college, she had an on-off relationship with ava carrillo for a year, which inevitably became a permanent off. it turned out that it wasn't a good idea to throw herself into a committed relationship the minute she stepped foot into yale. max never had the time, and ava didn't have the patience. at least she tried it tho !

things seemed to be on the up and up for their family, and the worst thing max has ever been through is being awake for 24 straight hours to prepare for a final presentation. but ! you know what they say about the calm before the storm.

( tw: death ) on december 18, 2018, their father unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack during a layover flight in new york. the brandt family was at home when they heard the news. needless to say, they had a quiet christmas and new year.

the family tried to move on as best they could, but the siblings knew their dad's death irreversibly changed their mom. they have a rocky relationship to begin with, the siblings always feeling like vivian never wanted to become a parent and only did so for their father. they have absolutely no mother-children bond, and it got worse when stephen died. being the older brother, parker took it upon himself to take care of vivian, balancing that with running the home stretch with his undergrad degree.

on the other hand, maxine still had a few years left at yale. no amount of therapy helped her cope with the loss of her father, the way her mother seemed to become a shell of herself, how parker had to break the momentum of his career to be there for their mom, and the constant pressure to do good academically.

( tw: alcohol dependency ) it started with buying bottled moscow mules because she didn't like how beer tasted, and she wasn't dumb enough to go straight to hard liquor. just one to take the edge off whenever stacks of coursework became too much, or when her mother would send her an email talking about her day, and she didn't have the courage to read it. then it went from a one, two, three-time thing to a whenever-i'm-upset thing, which slid into a whenever-i-feel-like-it thing. after a while, it became a daylight thing where she would add a splash of soju ( or whatever ) to her lunchtime drinks, and she genuinely thought it was just a funny idea at first. max wasn't the only day drinker in her social group, anyway. she found it acceptable, no different than how other people would pound red bull every 6 hours like it's their life force. it was manageable for her since she was able to schedule when she'd be indisposed, and she still can.

parker had ( and still has ) no clue. despite the two being close, max spared him the burden of having another thing to worry about. as long as she can control it ( or she thinks she can ) then nobody had anything to worry about.

eventually, both maxine and parker were offered the opportunity to join gallagher academy, with parker in line to graduate with honors in global affairs and maxine, not far behind with her own impressive academic portfolio in political science.

though really, her acceptance into gallagher has less to do with her published papers ( still impressive, tho ) and more to do with her covertly helping her father win cases by doing some expert sleuthing, strategizing, witness dispatching + discrediting, sexc breaking and entering, and good, old-fashioned manipulation !

it was something they both wanted; to be a part of the bigger picture in the world, but they knew they couldn't leave their mother alone. parker, who chose to make the sacrifice, let maxine go and stayed behind to take care of vivian.

( but if we’re honest, maxine would’ve left for gallagher regardless if parker was coming with her, but she’ll never tell him that )

despite the guilt and telling parker she wasn't going anywhere ( cough ), he insisted on her taking the once-in-a-lifetime chance to be a part of something they never knew existed. he knew they were going to end up resenting each other if they both stayed. at least one person in the family should be doing something that made them happy.

and so max dropped out of yale and left for roseville, even though she hadn't thoroughly planned out her career trajectory.

she’s eager not just because of the school, obviously. she can't handle going back to their childhood home and seeing how hollow everything is. plus, the immense anger and denial she feels over her dad’s untimely death has no place in new haven anymore.

she promised parker she'd make it up to him, though. somehow, someday.

who is this b*nch

max is relatively easy to get along with, tbh !

she’s a mood matcher; meaning if you’re nice to her, then she’s nice to you ( and if you’re gonna be a punk bitch, then she’ll be a punk bitch right back )

she’s a lil spoiled, lil sheltered, and lil ignorant but her general friendliness makes up for it, she’s the type to be friends with ( almost ) everyone

internally: perfectionist to the point of being ruthless, first place is the only acceptable place, meticulous, neurotic, workaholic, overachiever, if you’re not useful then what’s your purpose?, slightly egotistical, etc etc

externally: caring, protective, and supportive mom friend who just wants people to get their shit together because inadequacy is unacceptable, fixer, likes to dip into different social circles, consciously makes the effort to be more patient with people

she’s incredibly ambitious ? morally ambiguous ? slightly self-serving and self-involved ? her father’s a criminal “justice” lawyer whose clientele doesn’t exactly consist of the beacons of society so... she learned a lot of lessons about how you can win any case in the courtroom if you’re smart enough to a ) make a good story, b ) get the fitting evidence by any means necessary, c ) discredit and discard the necessary people, and d ) be charming and persuasive enough to rock the jury

she’s actively trying to be more open-minded and assimilate to a diverse group of people because back in yale she was definitely in a wasp bubble, and admittedly there are times where she will come off as super snobby without meaning to and tbh sorry about it

she’s still an extremely sociable person because yale also taught her how to network like a motherfucker, and how it’s important to know / be friends with everyone

honestly, intense people turn her off ( both positive and negative ) a little because she can't handle concentrated personalities in one sitting

even though she’s a little intense herself sometimes but it’s fine, we love hypocrites in this house !

neat freak ? but honestly who doesn’t like a friend who squeegees the shower every day and has a tiny can of lysol in their bag and an aroma diffuser with three ( 3 ) oil blends

she’s like... weirdly aggressive sometimes and most definitely has anger issues ( still in denial over her father unexpectedly passing away and getting stuck with a mom who doesn’t like her own children very much )

but also, she’s just agro in general and has a number of physical hobbies. she’s an ice skater, equestrian, a soulcyclist, and a kickboxer. she can fite.

she’s not the type to make fun of herself because she's not at a point where she sees qualities in her that are okay to laugh at ( unless you’re tight )

keeps her negative juju to herself because she’s a very private person

will prioritize work over play because she'd hardwired like that, but that doesn't mean she's anti-fun ( clearly )

definitely needs to loosen up a little that doesn't involve alcohol... jenga perhaps ? or actually try therapy again ?

very effectively sneaky about her growing alcohol dependency ( sugar-free breath mints, brushes her teeth + uses mouthwash after every meal )

dry sense of humor

at all times: wears a 1-carat, emerald cut, pavé diamond ring ( family heirloom ) + carries her trusty black hydro flask with her ( 24 oz. ) and no one is allowed to drink from it !

her signature scent is le labo bergamote 22 🤍

hmu on my discord @ tin#0697 for plottage !

[imajin-that]

Meet Cutes - Joshua x Reader

A/N: I’m going to be honest with you, I have no idea if this is any good, but I wanted to write it, and its kind of incomplete? I could be persuaded to continue lol (I probably will anyway.) With Seventeen’s new comeback having me feel some type of way, enjoy this soulmate fluff thing. It features Meanie and Verkwan, and if I do another part, it will probably also have Jeongcheol because I am trash for my ships. Anyway, I love Josh so much, so please enjoy. Remember, our requests are open, so please feel free to request! Also there’s probably going to be a Minghao fic up on my AO3 soon, but is well over 10,000 words and I’m not even close to being done, so I don’t want to post it on here unless you guys want me too. As always, I hope you enjoy!

♥♥ Admin Daisy

The world you live in is weird. Vampires exist and live alongside humans with minimal problems. There are donation banks for them to feed if they don’t have a human mate, although there are contracts among close friends that allow for vein feeding. There are vampires that are beyond old and there are “baby” vampires. Baby vampires are usually either born vampires (like your best friend Mingyu) or are freshly turned (usually in the case of something life-threatening and only if there is an advanced directive already in place for this, or if they are someone’s mate, or (and this is even rarer) they petition the elders and then there’s a lot of psychological tests to make sure they aren’t, like, mass murderers or something.) It was really uncommon to not know a vampire in this day and age. Its no longer kept a secret and studies have shown younger vampires learn to control their urges and strength earlier and easier when around humans. That’s actually how you met Mingyu, shortly after the studies were released in the 80s, all baby vampires were paired with a compatible human baby. Mingyu was born a few months before you but latched on immediately when you were put together to see if you were compatible. Its been you two, plus the friends you’ve made growing up, ever since.

“I can feel that I’m going to meet him soon!” Mingyu had been telling you about his mate, something you barely understood. Apparently, all of the Old Ones have mates although not all of them are mated. Something about them not being born yet or not being found in one lifetime, or whatever Mingyu was saying.

“How do you know they’re a he? What if they’re a she and they’re sad because you were misgendering them?” Mingyu scoffed and took a drink of his coffee, they didn’t need to eat human food, but it helped them go longer without needing blood. It was another thing you didn’t understand but knew to be true, like vampire mates.

“I can tell. It's like.” He paused, trying to come up with the best example. “It's like when you look outside and it’s sunny and nice but you can feel the storm coming. You just know.”

“Oh. Do you know if they’re human or not?” You took a sip of your own coffee, briefly wincing at how hot it still was, Mingyu had ordered the coffee before you got there and it was finished as you arrived, but the two of you had been sitting in the coffee shop for a good twenty minutes. It was Tuesday, which meant that in another ten, Vernon and Seungkwan would show up. They were a pair of mates that would be insufferable with how in love they were if it weren’t for Vernon’s calm demeanor. You had met them when they first started at the college, Seungkwan shared a math class with you and had claimed you as his friend very quickly, adopting Mingyu in the process. He’d apparently met Vernon in high school and followed him to college so he could be with him.

“That’s the thing. They have to be. I can sense that they’re a lot older than me. Like, hundreds of years a lot.”

“So you’re gonna get stuck with an old man.” You snickered and he looked scandalized. “If he’s a vamp he’s probably young looking. And handsome. You’re all attractive as hell. It's not fair.”

“It's okay, Y/N, you can admit you’re in love with me, it won’t change our friendship.” He reached across the table to softly brush your cheek with the tips of his fingers. “If I wasn’t already technically taken, we would make a lovely couple.” You fake gagged at him, swatting his hand away from your face in the process. He just snickered at you.

“Is Mingyu flirting again?” Vernon had arrived, his mate nowhere in sight, however, prompting you to ask after complaining about Mingyu being his usual self. “Seungkwan’s dad asked to meet with him, apparently some of the Old Ones are coming to campus. Three of them have pinpointed their mates to this college. Seungkwan is only going to be in charge of one of them, but I guess it’s an important meeting.”

“Oh, so then I guess we’ll have another person joining us?” You were followed closely by Mingyu’s “Text him to get the new guy’s coffee order!”

“Seungkwan promised he’d give us all of the details as soon as he knew them.” Vernon had taken a seat in the spot Mingyu had moved from, sliding next to you instead. “I’m worried about him. He can be serious, but he has such a bright personality. I don’t want him to accidentally offend one of them and get hurt.” Vernon frowned a little before brightening and waving his arm, when you turned, you saw his mate glancing around the room with a stranger you could only describe as tall, dark, and handsome. And a resting bitch face, but you had one too so you couldn’t judge too much. Next to you, Mingyu prattled on making fun of how excited the normally calm Vernon was.

“Aww, the face of a man who’s whipped, what are you gonna do when-” Seungkwan and the stranger arrived at the table, and Mingyu was effectively cut off when he looked into the eyes of the stranger. Both of their eyes softened, the stranger’s black eyes melted into a warm brown. You realized that this was the man Mingyu was telling you about earlier.

“And our love story comes to an end,” you faked wistfulness, causing Mingyu to laugh but the newcomer to glare at you. His eyes were hard and it made you squeak and shrink in your seat. “I was kidding, I’m sorry.”

“Uh oh,” Vernon snickered and you sent him a glare. “Seungkwan, introduce your friend and us so he stops glaring at Y/N.”

“Oh! Right!” Seungkwan’s voice was cheery despite everything that had been going on. “Wonwoo, that’s Mingyu. The whole reason we were paired together! Next to him, is Y/N, his human and closest friend. And my mate, Vernon.” At the last part, he pushed himself in Vernon’s space and rubbed his face on the other’s. Both you and Mingyu looked on in disgust, but Wonwoo’s eyes stayed on you.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was deep and it made you blink for a moment. “We can be possessive with our mates, especially when we first meet them. As a vampire, we know immediately that we have a mate, it.” He took a moment to pause, looking down at the table before looking back up sheepishly. “It made me a little jealous that despite knowing I was close, he would be with someone else.”

“It's mostly me, I’ll make sure not to do it anymore.” This time Mingyu spoke up, slightly bumping his knee with yours. “We’ve known each other since we were in diapers. But I don’t have any romantic feelings for him. We’re very close and very tactile with each other. But I’ll try not to do any of that from now on.” Wonwoo’s mouth parted in surprise, before shaking his head.

“As long as it’s not romantic, I don’t have a problem with it. Most vampires are tactile with their family and mates. If you’re his family, you’re mine too.” Wonwoo paused again, as if trying to decide if he wanted to continue before pressing his lips in a line.

“You can have this seat, I’ll go order for you, Boo, and Vernon. What do you guys want?” Vernon and Seungkwan wanted their usual and Wonwoo wanted an iced americano. You thought it was kind of funny because it matched his exterior. He’d have to be somewhat soft with Mingyu as his mate. You startled slightly when Wonwoo’s hand brushed your shoulder when you walked by him, Thanks.

There was a bit of a line at the order counter and you pulled out your phone to help pass the time. You had a message from Jihoon, someone you shared a music class with, asking if you were at the cafe still. You replied with a yes and asked why, but were left on read. You frowned but moved onto checking your emails before scrolling through twitter. The line moved slowly enough that you received a text from Mingyu telling you to get another drink for him and yourself, as he drank yours. You snorted and rolled your eyes, sending a thumbs up back. There was some shuffling next to you, and when you looked up, you were startled to see Jihoon and a stranger, his eyes were regular vampire black and you smiled politely at the stranger before focusing on your classmate.

“Want coffee? Apparently Mingyu is buying.” Jihoon shook his head but smiled. “Okay, what can I do for you, then?” He gestured to the man next to him, who now that you looked closer had honey eyes and was unbelievably handsome. Literally the guy of your dreams as far as looks go. He had soft cat-like eyes and a gentle face, expression kind as he stood a little ways away from Jihoon but closer to you than you would expect from a stranger.

“Y/N, this is Joshua. He’s, well, he wanted to meet you.” Jihoon was smirking and Joshua looked sheepish.

“Uhh,” Before you could comment on that, the person at the counter moved and you took the time to order all of the drinks. “We’re at the table that’s between the fireplace and the windows.” You tapped your phone to the card reader and watched as it thought before displaying it was approved, thanking the cashier as you took the receipt. “It’s nice to meet you, but I can’t imagine why you’d want to meet me.” You gestured for them to follow you to your table, but Jihoon said he couldn’t stay and walked off.

“You don’t,” Joshua paused and bit his lip, “You don’t know?”

“No?” You stopped in front of the table and turned to him. “I’m sorry.” You weren’t sure why he looked so hurt by you not knowing, but Mingyu’s gasp drew your attention to him.

“We both found mates today!” You looked at Mingyu and Wonwoo’s hand before startling, his eyes had changed the same way Wonwoo’s did.

“I’m so dumb.” You pressed your hand to your face and groaned. “Sorry, Joshua, I didn’t even realize.”

“Oh yikes,” Vernon spoke this time, “Both of you got stuck with Old Ones.”

“That means they’re like extra possessive. I can totally understand one of them letting you be close, but both of them?” Seungkwan burst into laughter, a fond smile coming to Vernon’s face.

“Am I missing something?” Joshua had a musical voice, the kind that made you want to listen to whatever he had to say. But it was also commanding in the way that spoke of power and underlying strength.

“Only that Wonwoo almost had Y/N’s head earlier because of how close she and Mingyu are.” Wonwoo glared at Seungkwan.

“I wouldn’t have hurt her.” His voice sounded like he was sulking and Mingyu already looked so endeared. It made you smile, he was your best friend and you were beyond glad he was happy.

“I see.” From Joshua’s voice, he didn’t see and wasn’t happy about the idea.

“Let’s sit down,” Spoken to Joshua. “Our drinks should be here soon, here’s your receipt, Mingyu. I tried to get Josh and Jihoon drinks too, but they said no.” Mingyu laughed.

“I’m sorry for drinking your coffee. But it was getting cold and you were taking a long time.”

“I tried to stop him,” Wonwoo spoke with the ease of friendship, and it made you think of something you had read in your studies a while ago about two vampire mates being able to share memories and feelings once they met. Vampires who have human mates can push their own onto the human, but cannot receive it from the human except in rare cases. It was unfortunate because soon you would know everything about Joshua, but he would only know the basics about you. The thought made you frown, both of your hands were suddenly being held. Mingyu’s in your right and Joshua’s in your left. Both were meant to comfort you and both did.

“Thanks, guys.” You squeezed both of their hands before releasing Mingyu’s hand. Before you could say anything else, a waitress brought your drinks out and you reached for your drink immediately, but a hand moved to put it back down before you could take a drink.

“It’s too hot, love. Wait a moment.” You smiled sheepishly as Joshua, realizing he was right. He pulled the plastic lid off the container and turned to Wonwoo. “I’m surprised we didn’t get assigned the same person since our mates are so close. She doesn’t seem particularly close to Jihoon, but the others said she was.”

“Maybe because they were partners on a project for their music class?” It was Vernon who spoke up, “She’s been spending more time with him for the last month than us. Although she and Mingyu share an apartment, so he still got to see her. Uh,I’m Hansol Vernon Chwe, by the way. Seungkwan’s mate. My friends just call me Vernon, though.”

“Joshua Hong. It's nice to meet you.” Joshua’s smile was gentle but the color from Vernon’s face drained.

“Like, Seventeen’s Joshua?” At Joshua’s nod, he continued. “I uh, sorry for being so informal.”

“You’re friends with Y/N, that makes you a friend of mine.”

“Is it that a big deal? What’s Seventeen?” You were confused and looked between Vernon, Joshua and Mingyu for help. Mingyu mimed shaking hands and biting something, hands shaped into claws. It donned on you then, Seventeen was the group that head spearheaded peace talks between humans and vampires and pushed for equal rights. They were the ones who suggested blood banks and strict contracts after their now CEO found his mate, a human, and didn’t want him to be isolated from his friends and family. That had been at the turn of the 20th century, but Seungcheol had lived a long time before that. All of this information had been given out in the name of complete transparency, the idea that if you knew what exactly you were getting into, there would be less fear and stigma. It had worked, if your friends were anything to go by. “You’re that Joshua?”

“Yes.” He was suddenly shy and fearful as if you would reject him. “Seungcheol and I worked really hard to try and help people coexist. I know I’m old but I won’t hurt you.”

You flung your arms around him, “Thank you for giving me my best friend.” Everyone at the table was shocked. Tears sprang to Mingyu’s eyes, realizing that even though he was technically an apex predator, if they were still in hiding, he would have you. You two had done so much for each other while you were growing up, and you couldn’t imagine a life without him and the thought of someone hunting him made you sick.

“I-” You cut him off with a sob.

“What if I never got to meet you because of this.” You had been near each other long enough for you to feel the mating bond, incomplete until he bit you, but there none the less. You already had the pull of feelings, the kind that would only get strong the longer you were together. “Thank you for finding me.” Joshua wrapped his arms around you and rubbed his nose along your hairline, pressing a light kiss to your head.

[trashp1x1e]

Some shit went down at this Christian co op that I go to

Tw: homophobia and light swearing (I'm also on mobile and with a phone which tends to disagree with what I'm typing sometimes )

(for those who want to know I'm 14 and a pan cis guy)

SO (excuse my language) SOME BULLSHIT FUCKERY HAPPEND STRAP IN FOLKS THIS IS A LONG ONE!!! (that's what she said) goddddddddddd i'm mad i i rarely get mad and swear but boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy howdy now here is how i might have gotten kicked out of my co op for talking about lgbt

me and my homie / closeted ex boyfriend who we shall bestow the name Link were talking about lgbt stuff like we do every time we are on break in the empty hallways and someone overheard us (probs cuz´ we were being loud)and went and talked to the owner and later in the day he told us to come talk to him in an icy calm tone (never a good thing)

Now Link was already in some hot water because in cooking my friend who we shall name Zelda (real orignal I know) made a joke (i can't remember what it was about but it was harmless ) which caused the teacher to tell at Zelda to leave and caused Link to have an anxity attack because his partner was getting yelled at and the teacher told him to get out as well when we were walking with the owner who we shall call Gannondorf (sticking with the Zelda theme) we saw the cooking teacher which Gannon was talking to so i thought "oh hey he's gonna talk to Link about getting kicked out of cooking...but wait why am i here instead of Zelda..I'm not in cooking I don't even get there before it starts " right as my mind is racing Gannon told us That talking about gender and sexuality it and it violated the code of conduct under "egregious"acts.

(I'm scared for Link's safety so I tell him to out me instead of himself cause I think his mom has some sort of grudge against the whole ass lgbt)

Y'all smell that..? Oh no sorry i just stepped in some BULLSHIT!!!! The fucking code of conduct doesn't give that any examples of egregious act s!!!!Jesus fucking Christ c'mon at least SOME examples if you are gonna send someone home turn this bullshit!

And what we were talking about wasn't that bad unless you count "hey i thought my father was gay lol i don't know why i thought that when I was really young" and "oh I'm really grateful that you accept you for liking guys" nothing NSFW just joking around and talking about lgbt..which we do every fucking time we hang out!!

(Now i'm scared for Link's safety so I tell him to out me instead of himself cause I think his mom has some sort of grudge against the whole ass LGBTQ+ )

Anyways Gannon tells us to call our parents and tell them that we need to be picked up and he would be sending an email to our parents and seeing if we could come back(which in my opinion was dumb reason to send someone home)

Link is now panicing and is calling there mom and shaking because A his mom might be homophobic and suspect that he's in the lgbtq B his mom mentally barrages him enough C it's a 30 minute drive from to get to co op so yay for Link's mom...she I'm ok because I'm out to my parents and I tell my mom and dad what's going down and my dad said he will pick me up since my mom is at work

While waiting for our parents to get here Link got up to get something and he came back with my BI-Icon/dad who I'm gonna call Impa she tells me to not out myself and to out her instead (she is a fucking legend) but its too late now and I tell her that,then a spiteful Bitch who I was decently acquainted with asked Link "are you going to cry again?" NOW LET ME TELL YOU NOBODY FUCKS WITH MY FRIENDS AND SAYS THAT TYPE OF SHIT TO THEM is what I thought...I wanted to beat the shit out of this fool but I breathe in and let the anger disappear but I made sure my words rang with force I said "that was extremely rude and unnecessary get out." because it's not worth it to get in a fight and causing legal shit. Once that bitch finally left we told Impa to go get our group of friends which we call the HomieSexuals since the Gay best friends doesn't have a ring to it

Impa returns with everyone and they were just as pissed as I was but I didn't show it because that would stress everyone out even more so my body language and tone said "Pass me a la Croix " but I was pissed and then there was my number one Ally who looked like they were bout to cry but she said she " cries when she is pissed off " that's the first time I've heard her use anything close to swearing

(insert angry as fuk picture)

My ride gets here and I say my goodbyes and I hug everyone and say "ight I'm bout to head out" to ease the tension and lighten the mood

I head out and enter my dad's car and tell him what went down and he said with how many little kids he saw n coming out the bulding it wasn't my call weather they were exposed to the lgbt or not and that that's up to their parents" first off dad you make it sound like I was dressed up as a drag queen and was handing out pride flags to kids (something I would do tbh) he was more or less pissed that i was so chill about things (which I do when I should be nervous around my friends I want them to feel safe because fuck stress) after he got after me for being chill I got home and got to texting people to see what happened while I left A Gannons wife who looks like a Karen in training you know what I'm gonna call her KIT for short, KIT told the HomieSexuals to leave Link alone and as far as I was informed they weren't being too loud...after that I got a few texts from some others that i knew and hung around with told me that this was indeed bullshit and they had my back and that it's discrimination and that's kinda illegal cause this is technically counted as a private school . so Gannon if you do some how by some medical read this that's illegal buddy...make talking about lgbt against the rules and you might have a problem on your hands 😀👉👉

I haven't gotten a response from Link to see if they are ok yet but I'll keep y'all posted

Peace out my HomieSexuals

Tldr I might have gotten expelled from a co op talking about lgbtq

Edit#1 link is ok he just got the dumb ass pubishment of not being able to cut his hair

I got the option of being able to take class but not hang out on break or leave and and get a refund

So me and my mom said “ight ama head out”

Oh oh and you know what’s funny?

Link is ok! He’s in the clear that boi is Gucci oh no no Bitch I’m done! I’m so glad I left that place! Wanna know why that fucker is ok? Cause it told him to put my PanSexy ass! And he did! Hey fucker! That’s discrimination! But we can’t do jack fucking shit against Gannon cause he called my mom instead of emailing her there isn’t proof that he fuckin kicked me out!

Oh! Btw! My friend who I’ll call Joji found out who told Gannon :D

He is an adult who high key is a boomer ngl.

But heyyyy now I won’t have to deal with baby boomer bullshit from that place now!

If I ever see Gannon I hope i can record him saying some incriminating shit

[stargirlkatara]

A Real Knight in Shining Armor

Based on (x) (original source no longer has it). Here, have a one shot of fluffy modern bellarke where Bellamy takes care of a Clarke on her period. 

Clarke has had her period for 11 years now, over her half her life. She’s gotten used to it just like every girl. She takes birth control to keep her symptoms under control, but there are some times when Mother Nature decides to just be an outright bitch and make life miserable for the week. She hasn’t had cramps and an aching body this bad since she was in middle school! Usually, she has to just deal with a ridiculous amount of hormones that makes her want to jump anyone in sight, specifically her TA Bellamy Blake. It’s just a nice fantasy because one, he could get fired and two, they’ve become amazing friends over the past year. That is after hating each other’s guts and arguing about everything for the first few months.

She was supposed to have 2 classes today, one with Bellamy, but she couldn’t even bear to get out of bed. She emailed her professors that she wouldn’t be able to make it and then went back to sleep.

It’s noon the next time she wakes up. She reads a text from her roommate Raven that she sent earlier.

Raven: I’m headed to class and have to work on a project so I won’t be back till late! Don’t wait up for me <3

Raven is her best friend and she doesn’t know if she would have gotten through those first two years of college without her. She’s tough as nails and doesn’t take “no” for an answer. Clarke sends a quick text back.

Clarke: Okay babe!

Clarke’s stomach growls, she hasn’t eaten yet today. Maybe that’ll help her aching body. That and some good ol’ Midol.

She manages to trudge her way to the kitchen. Nothing looks appetizing yet she wants to eat it all. She settles on a bowl of cereal. She eats and takes her pills. Now she just has to wait for the medicine to kick in.

She figures it about time that she changed her tampon, so now she trudges her way to the bathroom. She reaches under the counter to grab one, but there isn’t any. She pulls out the box, it’s empty! Shit!

She checks to see if she has any pads and yet again she strikes out. No, no, no, no, no.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

She crouches down, even though her entire body protests and looks to see if there are any unopened boxes. After shuffling things around and messing up her organized setup, she still finds nothing. Raven should have some!

She stands up from her awkward position and texts quickly.

Clarke: Hey! Do you have any tampons or pads I can use?!

She’s happy she doesn’t have to wait long for the reply.

Raven: Oh no!! I don’t have any! I’m on the IUD, remember?

Clarke: What girl doesn’t have any pads?

Raven: Well apparently your forgetful ass lol and a girl who’s had the IUD for a year and doesn’t want to pay luxury tax!

Clarke: Fair, fair. Ugh! I ache and don’t want to leave!

Raven: I’m sorry girl! If I didn’t have this project, I’d so get you some

Clarke: It’s cool, it’s cool! Good luck! I’ll figure something out!

Raven: Alright girl! Good luck! Ily!

Clarke: Ily too!

Clarke walks over to her bed and plops down. She’s got a tampon that needs to be changed. She’s not going to go into toxic shock syndrome or anything, it’s just really uncomfortable right now. She looks over at her clock, 1:15. Her last class should have let out and that means Bellamy should be free. She can always text him. He had a younger sister, she’s sure he’s done stuff like this before.

She decides to try her luck.

Clarke: Hey!

She waits for a while before she gets a reply. He was probably talking with students. She smiles to herself, he tries so hard and would make an amazing professor.

Bellamy: Hey! Where were you today! Kane said he got an email from you saying you wouldn’t make it cause you’re sick. Are you? You seemed fine yesterday…

Clarke: Kinda sick… sick with mother nature’s awful bloody gift

Bellamy: Ohhhh, I’m sorry! I can catch you up when you’re feeling better.

Clarke: That’d be great! But first I have a favor to ask…

Bellamy: Sure.

Clarke: Would you be able to stop and buy me some tampons? Please?

Clarke: If you can? I’ll pay you back!

Bellamy: Um, yeah sure! I’ll pack up a few things and head to the store. I’ll be right over.

Clarke: THANK YOU!

Bellamy: Lol, no problem! Give me like 30 minutes.

Clarke was so relieved, her knight in shining armor.

She tries to situate herself so she can get some work done while she waits but she can’t concentrate. She’s not sure if the medicine kicked in or not, but she still feels miserable.

She ends up just scrolling through social media. She receives another text from Bellamy not even 15 minutes later. Wow, that was fast!

Bellamy: Why are tampons so expensive?

Clarke: I’ll pay you back later just hurry

Bellamy: No I mean like… You don’t get to choose to have your period. You have to have it, and you have to pay so much for it!

Clarke: Yessss I know but you don’t have time for preaching right now

Bellamy: Sorry, it’s really unfair.

Clarke: Believe me I know! Didn’t you have to get stuff like this for your sister?

Bellamy: Yeah when she was like 10, but then she wanted to just get it herself so I gave her some cash and she went and got some when we were at the store. It’s been like 10 years!

Clarke: LMAO

Bellamy: Okay so how many do you need? There’s a pack of 100, will you need that many?

Bellamy: Holy shit! There are packages with even more!

Clarke: Just get a normal one with like 20 or something

Bellamy: Won’t you need more though? Aren’t I getting these because you ran out?

Clarke: I don’t care! Just get me some and I’ll pay you back!

Clarke is almost laughing hysterically at their conversation. She thought for sure Bellamy would know what to do because cause he had to take care of his sister, turns out he’s just like every other guy in that sense that he managed to find a way around it!

After she calms down a bit she goes back to browsing on her computer. It’s about 15 minutes later she hears a knock on her apartment door.

She slowly makes her way to the door. When she opens it, there’s a nervous Bellamy on the other side. She waves him inside and shuts the door he starts unpacking the bag and gives her a sheepish smile. “Hey! I got a pack of twenty like you said and got some chocolate. I didn’t know which kind you liked so I got both milk and dark.” Clarke’s heart just melts. If she wasn’t falling for him before she definitely was now. Stupid heart.

She walks up to him and gives him a giant hug. He wraps his arms around her, she basks in the warmth radiating from him. It feels so good. She manages to mutter into his arm, “Thank you so much Bell!”

He kisses the top of her head and whispers, “Anytime.” They’re treading dangerous territory for teacher-student, even if they are friends. They both let go and have a blush gracing their faces. For a brief moment, her body didn’t ache. They smile like idiots for a moment until Clarke breaks. She has to go change her tampon. She grabs the box of tampons and goes to the bathroom as quickly and her body will allow.

Bellamy just waits patiently in the kitchen. He wonders if this girl will finally get it through her thick skull that he really likes her. Maybe they’ll get some good cuddle action too. (They do. Clarke’s cold feet and all.)

[cc-krillin]

this chat log under Read More (sent to me via email, randomly found it again lmao) was on a text based web DBZ RPG (run on a tripod web host site iirc), you pretty much emailed the admin/owner with your chosen training for PL, and get PL by RPing (or just putting ‘training’ every half-one hour) in the chatroom too. The website gets advertised on top DBZ RPG site lists back then, where this Krillin joins. I am not part of this sadly, I was asleep during due to timezones lmao.

How this is relevant to this blog and my Krillin portrayal? One of my (crack) AUs is based on this, noob Super Krillin with an OP headbuut lmao.

On a related note, I am working on a fan game (Windows .exe) on the side called CrossoverCollsionRPG, with a similar concept to what I explained above (with a battle system like Poek’mon, and story mode like DBZ Kakarot, with mostly DBZ characters playable). If you are interested please let me know, you can later be added to an exclusive group of beta testers if you are still interested after I show you a preview, thanks!

sent/received at: Fri 8/08/2008 5:06 AM

(Aug 07-13:52) Hell_Tojeiko: wtf (Aug 07-13:52) Krillin: so how do i play this? where do i go to see my guy? (Aug 07-13:52) Gotez: ( Join a dragon ball MMO . Not RP ) (Aug 07-13:52) Zerlot: (Did you download the program?) (Aug 07-13:53) Krillin: no what program must i download? (Aug 07-13:53) Gotez: ( Ah just nevermind.. ) (Aug 07-13:53) Zerlot: (It's on the Join Application) (Aug 07-13:53) Krillin: i don't want to join, i just want to play (Aug 07-13:53) Hell_Tojeiko: ...... (Aug 07-13:53) Zerlot: (Well, you can't play unless you join..) (Aug 07-13:53) Krillin: how much does it cost to join? (Aug 07-13:54) Zerlot: (5 dollars via paypal) (Aug 07-13:54) Hugo: (what happened to character customisation) (Aug 07-13:54) Hell_Tojeiko: LMFAO (Aug 07-13:54) Hugo: (ROFL) (Aug 07-13:54) Krillin: who do i send it to? (Aug 07-13:54) Zerlot: (Me, I'm assistant manager. I'll make sure the credits are transferred to the owner of the site.) (Aug 07-13:54) Krillin: cool (Aug 07-13:55) Hugo: (Or u can send it to me,Im the owners other chracter) (Aug 07-13:55) Krillin: do you send instructions on how to play this game? (Aug 07-13:55) Zerlot: (Yes, it's all included.) (Aug 07-13:55) Krillin: alright (Aug 07-13:56) Krillin: wow you guys are pretty strong, do i have to pay for power too? (Aug 07-13:56) Zerlot: (Nope) (Aug 07-13:56) Krillin: so how do i get strong? (Aug 07-13:56) Hell_Tojeiko: you gotta train man (Aug 07-13:56) Zerlot: (You spend time in here trianing) (Aug 07-13:56) Zerlot: (Training) (Aug 07-13:56) Krillin: cool (Aug 07-13:56) Hugo: (Also no cursing,Toj, give him examples of  bad launguage) (Aug 07-13:57) Hell_Tojeiko: what the hell?? when did i curse? (Aug 07-13:57) Krillin: oh no it ok, i say motherfucker and piss too (Aug 07-13:57) Hugo: (Now if u know whats good for u) (Aug 07-13:57) Krillin: krillin is awesome (Aug 07-13:57) Krillin: can i join as super krillin? (Aug 07-13:57) Krillin: can i be a super human (Aug 07-13:58) Krillin: i think he is the strongest one (Aug 07-13:58) Zerlot: (Yeah, human are the strongest) (Aug 07-13:58) Hugo: (Nope Saiyan Dragon is) (Aug 07-13:59) Krillin: nuh uh, i'm looking now on the page, they are not very up there (Aug 07-13:59) Krillin: the strongest race is the first, and the weakest race is the last on the page right? (Aug 07-13:59) Zerlot: (Yeah, but it's harder to get transformations for others) (Aug 07-13:59) Krillin: i just want to be super krillin (Aug 07-13:59) Krillin: so i can headbutt people (Aug 07-13:59) Zerlot: (ROFL!!) (Aug 07-14:00) Krillin: i rp for a long time, probably more than anyone here so i'm better (Aug 07-14:00) Krillin: than all you (Aug 07-14:00) Zerlot: (Lmfao) (Aug 07-14:00) Hell_Tojeiko: lol i doubt that, how long u been rpg'in dude? (Aug 07-14:00) Krillin: 5 months. (Aug 07-14:00) Hugo: (ROFLMFAOOL NOO (Aug 07-14:00) Hell_Tojeiko: ..... (Aug 07-14:00) Zerlot: (ALDFORLFFORFLMFAO) (Aug 07-14:00) Hell_Tojeiko: dude..... (Aug 07-14:01) Hugo: (NOOB  ) (Aug 07-14:01) Krillin: no, i started back in febuari, i am not new (Aug 07-14:01) Hell_Tojeiko: wtf dude how old are you? (Aug 07-14:01) Krillin: 11 (Aug 07-14:01) Zerlot: (ROFL) (Aug 07-14:02) Hugo: (ROFLMFAOOL) (Aug 07-14:02) Krillin: i stayed home from school today because i hate my class (Aug 07-14:02) Hell_Tojeiko: oh my god, dude you need to go change your huggies (Aug 07-14:02) Hugo: (Ohh Mr.Badass) (Aug 07-14:03) Krillin: no, my mommy is home with me, she lets me get on the computer if she watches me, but when she leaves i like to look at naked girls and guys wrestle (Aug 07-14:03) Hell_Tojeiko: (FUCKING DEAD) (Aug 07-14:03) Zerlot: (LMFAO!OFOROFLF) (Aug 07-14:03) Hell_Tojeiko: (i gotta go before i fucking pee my pants) (Aug 07-14:03) Zerlot: (LMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOO) (Aug 07-14:03) Zerlot: *Trains* (Aug 07-14:04) Krillin: what does lmfaooforoflf mean? (Aug 07-14:04) Hugo: (I cant type this is so FUCKING FUNNY) (Aug 07-14:05) Krillin: so can i join zerlot? (Aug 07-14:05) Krillin: i promice to be good and fight hard (Aug 07-14:05) Zerlot: (didufe tell him i cvannkt tyep (Aug 07-14:06) Zerlot: ) (Aug 07-14:06) Hell_Tojeiko: krillen, we are all laughing right now (Aug 07-14:06) Hugo: (Im chokin) (Aug 07-14:06) Krillin: so i can't join? (Aug 07-14:06) Krillin: i can type good (Aug 07-14:06) Krillin: and i want my guy to look like krillin (Aug 07-14:07) Krillin: same tall and pounds (Aug 07-14:07) Hell_Tojeiko: (ok i'm good) (Aug 07-14:07) Hell_Tojeiko: look dude you have to fill out the application and send an email to the owner, he'll let you know if you can join or not (Aug 07-14:08) Krillin: why not, i been playing for a really really long time i promise i will play hard (Aug 07-14:08) Krillin: i am the best i can prove (Aug 07-14:09) Hugo: what happened to creating ur own character,this is years after all the original characters died (Aug 07-14:09) Krillin: i fight someone now i bet i can beat him (Aug 07-14:09) Hugo: (Ok fight me) (Aug 07-14:09) Hell_Tojeiko: ooooooo shit (Aug 07-14:09) Krillin: ok you start furst (Aug 07-14:10) Krillin: i promise i make you look stoopid (Aug 07-14:10) Hell_Tojeiko: (OMFG this shit is classic) (Aug 07-14:12) Hugo: Hugo drops eveything he is doin and flies to see Krillin on the ground, he lands "Your Dead Bitch",then Transforms to CDO "Break-up teleport" ,then reappears behind Krillin,wraps his legs around him"KIOUHAMEHAAA" he yells and powers the blast into Krillins back (Aug 07-14:12) Hugo: (Ur dead with one hit) (Aug 07-14:12) Krillin: krillin say ow krillin headbutt you in the eye (Aug 07-14:12) Hugo: (Ur dead) (Aug 07-14:12) Zerlot: (LMFAOROFL) (Aug 07-14:13) Hell_Tojeiko: (LOOOOOOOLLLLL!!!_ (Aug 07-14:13) Hugo: (That attack had enough power to kill u like 200,000 times) (Aug 07-14:13) Hell_Tojeiko: (HOW IS EVERYONE MISSING THIS???) (Aug 07-14:13) Hell_Tojeiko: (SOMEONE SAVE THIS SHIT) (Aug 07-14:13) Krillin: no you miss me i am short my headbutt cant be block (Aug 07-14:14) Hell_Tojeiko: (dude..u said ow) (Aug 07-14:14) Hugo: (Dumbass NOOB, I wrapped my legs around u and shot ur back,U R DEAD<U CANT BLOCK THAT) (Aug 07-14:15) Krillin: that was fake i fake him out then headbutt him he think i was dead (Aug 07-14:15) Krillin: no i to short so i hit you (Aug 07-14:15) Krillin: and i not new (Aug 07-14:15) Hugo: (No ur body is destroyed) (Aug 07-14:15) Krillin: no its not, krillin still standing (Aug 07-14:15) Hell_Tojeiko: (wowo) (Aug 07-14:16) Krillin: i told you i am better than you (Aug 07-14:16) Hell_Tojeiko: hugo got owned by  a n00b!!!!!! (Aug 07-14:16) Hugo: (I HATE FUCKIN NOOBS, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NOOBS THAT ASKED QUESTIONS,AND DIDNT TRY TO FUCK WITH PPL) (Aug 07-14:17) Hugo: (U r dead sorry Junior) (Aug 07-14:17) Krillin: see you mad i am happy so i win (Aug 07-14:17) Zerlot: (LOL) (Aug 07-14:17) Krillin: can i join now zerlot (Aug 07-14:17) Krillin: i beat hugo (Aug 07-14:17) Krillin: please (Aug 07-14:17) Hugo: (No the fuck u didnt NOOB ) (Aug 07-14:18) Zerlot: (LMAFO) (Aug 07-14:18) Krillin: yes i did see (Aug 07-14:18) Zerlot: (Yeah, Krillin, fill out an email in the Join Application) (Aug 07-14:18) Krillin: you are mad because you lost to me (Aug 07-14:18) Krillin: ok thank you zerlot (Aug 07-14:18) Zerlot: (NP) (Aug 07-14:18) Hugo: (I hope u get accepted,because first quest Imma kill u) (Aug 07-14:19) Krillin: thank you gotez, thank you Hell_Tojeiko, thank you majin_chaos, thank you shinta, and thank you zerlot (Aug 07-14:19) Hell_Tojeiko: (LOL!!!!!!!!!!) (Aug 07-14:19) Shinta: [Your Welcome Krillin?] (Aug 07-14:19) Zerlot: (Lmao) (Aug 07-14:19) Krillin: i beat hugo (Aug 07-14:19) Hugo: (Someone please save this)

[poptarts-and-rainbows]

School update!

(bitching under the cut... if you’re on mobile, I’m sorry- scroll fast)

So I have this really bad habit, where if something doesn’t go perfect- if I don’t do it perfect, or at least well- then I quit.  

It happened the first time I went to college too, so it isn’t new... but, let’s say I over slept and missed a quiz, or forgot to submit a paper, bombed a test, etc. Even if I had otherwise been doing well in that class (you know, the professor liked me, I actively participated, and all that good shit), I would freak out the next time I was supposed to go. I would freeze.

I would convince myself that now all that professor, or my classmates- all they were going to see from then on was a failure. They’re just going to see that thing I fucked up, and nothing I could ever do will make up for it. So I would bail, because I couldn’t face them. 9/10, wouldn’t go back to class for at least a week, just making the problem worse.

School this time around... while it has been overall less enjoyable (it’s a commuter school, limited social interactions, my classes are boring, plus my current/ongoing roommate troubles), it's actually been going pretty ok, at least academically. 

I go to all of my classes now (ok- I give myself one skip day a quarter- and that’s actually a drastic improvement to my last go around, lol), I learned how to prioritize, have a somewhat regular schedule, and am not drunk all the time, I get solid 3.5s and up (compared to nearly failing out last time). So, things were going well!

Until tonight.

Two of my classes are online (which I actually hate), and I always have assignments due at midnight on Wednesdays. Normally? No problem. 

Last week I had zero issues making the deadline (last quarter I submitted almost everything at 11:55pm, which didn't both me, but last week I was done before 8! Double winning), but I didn’t get access to one of my classes this quarter until this weekend, and then I had to wait to hear back from the professor if I could stay in the course, because I had already missed a week and the add deadline for online classes had passed (eventhough our in person classes just started).

What I SHOULD have done was start my assignments right away, instead of waiting to hear back from him... but I’m kind of broke and didn’t want to buy the books if I wasn’t going to get to stay in the class. So, I waited- he got back to me on Tuesday, basically saying that it was totally cool if I stayed in the class and he would let me turn in the assignment from last week without penalty. 

Great, right? No... see, he didn’t give me a deadline. Not like 48-72 hours, or anything, just said that I could still turn it in. So I wanted to turn in both weeks assignments by the deadline tonight, to make a good first impression, and show him I was grateful to get to stay in the course... and then I fell straight flat on my fucking face. 

I had a lot of anxiety writing the first paper. I stayed up until 3am last night trying to work on, and I finished all of the reading/research, which was cool, but I only made it like half way through the introduction before my brain stopped working and I figured getting 2 hours of sleep was better than starting at a blank word document, especially because I had to nanny for 10 hours.

Writing used to be my job, doing intelligence reports, and writing white papers- pretty much exactly what my homework was, and I had been really good at it too! Then I was put on admin work for almost a year, fell out of habit, and when I first moved back to Washington, one of my old bosses actually asked me to help her with research for one of her graduate school papers- I freaked out then too. 

It had always been so easy for me, and I just... couldn’t do it... I made excuses pushing off when I was going to send her stuff, and then finally sent a very weepy email apologizing for sucking at life- to which SHE then apologized to me for, pressuring me, or whatever, and I didn’t think that at all! I just felt really dumb. I felt so dumb I never responded to her last email, and we were supposed to meet up- and I should have responded back in June, but I was in a bad place, so I never did, and now it feels like it would be awkward because it's been so long, so just... that’s not the point, but I’m still guilty about that too, and it would be really nice to see her.

Anyways, my classes last quarter weren’t really heavy on the writing skills. We had to do a couple of short written responses, but no actual papers. This was the first time I had to try to do that again, and I just got so stressed. 

I freaked, I froze... I stopped working on the assignment from last week, because I figured it would be better to turn the one due this week in early/on time, and ended up being able to push through and get it done. It was hard, and very unenjoyable, and absolutely not best work, but I still did it! It just wasn’t soon enough. 

Trying to do both at once... I missed the deadline. I ended up turning the assignment that was due this week in about 40 minutes too late (it would have been a little bit sooner, but then I double checked the grading rubric and it said something about fitting the word limit, and my response was kind of long, so I spent literally 15 minutes trying to find what that limit was- never did), and I had to fix some stupid reference formatting issues (fuck you, APA).

In the meantime, the other online class I’m in- I knew I still had a quiz and an activity to do tonight too. The quiz was a piece of cake, done in 5 minutes, 100%. The activity, however... last week, it was a fill in the chart sort of thing that took me less time than the quiz did. This week it was a 3 hour certificate. So I didn’t get that done, and I didn’t “respond to two other student’s posts” on the discussion board either... for either class.

So right now I’m trying to convince myself it’s ok. I’m trying to tell myself that turning the stuff in late is better than not turning it in at all, and that I have plenty of time to make all of the points up- even though all I want to do now is never even log on to the school portal again.

I still have to finish that assignment from last week, and then do the certificate thing, and the readings for my class tomorrow... I’m sure the sooner I get all of it in, the less bad it’ll probably look... rationally I know it’s not that big of a deal. I'm trying to fight the thoughts and be the mentally healthy way, or whatever- like, I know this doesn’t mean I’m a failure, but... I just can’t help asking myself what the point is to even keep trying. I already fucked up.

If my professors don't end up thinking how I'm a failure every time they see my name on their screen it won't even matter, because I will. I don’t know why I thought I could do this anyway.

[mugiwara--ya]

the one time i actually think something thru before making a decision and all my past mistakes immediately come and fuck it up.

long ass post after the cut. if you read it that would be great. 

on 2013, when i was about to get out of highschool, i knew i wanted to study graphic design on this one institute.

my mom during my entire life always told me she wanted me to go into a ~traditional university~ (if youre chilean you’ll understand) and that institutes or private universities were out of discussion. so i gave up about the institute.

also my mom didnt want me to end up like her (a secretary who has earned pretty much the same her entire life and is perpetually in debt) so she wanted me to study something that would give me $$$money$$$. design? yeah RIGHT, she laughed at my fucking face and said i wont pay shit for that.

so i got into international business, into a university that literally sucks dick but is supposedly “good” because its a traditional fucking university. but everybody knows it sucks dick lol. i got a scholarship that covered pretty much the entire cost of it (i was paying $40.000 clp monthly, about $64 usd) . but i hated it. i wasted two entire years on it. till one day i was trying to write a fucking essay or something and i finally snapped and said i dont wanna be here. i hate this. fuck this. im not doing this anymore. i was fucking miserable.

then i realized it was too late to register to take the test™ (a standardized test everyone who wants to get into a traditional university has to take, it’s once a year and you gotta register and even pay for it if youre taking it a second time) and my previous score wouldnt get me anywhere (spoiler: it was shit) so i thought. but hey they do design here. i can just transfer to that career internally so i dont have to take the test. im a fuckin genius. like literally i didnt really think about it for more than like. half an hour lmao

so i called my mom. ya know what she said? “I KNEW YOU WOULDNT LAST”. she knew i wasnt made for that career. she knew i fucking hated it. and she just watched me collapse without saying shit. without saying hey if you wanna change your career i wont be mad. she just waited to see how long i would take it. at the moment i was like oh thank god you aint mad. but now i look back and. just how fucking sadistic can my mom be lmfao. anyway.

same university different career. i went into design into that university without knowing how good or bad it actually was. because i didnt really have a choice (though i did. if only i wasnt scared to death about getting into an institute. actually no: about ASKING MY MOM if i could get into an institute) and i got an even better benefit: i was studying for completely fucking FREE. and hey how could you know. the career was SHIT. it made me HATE what i did. i was even more miserable than before because all my life i knew i was gonna end up on design. and i was terrible at it. i hated myself because i was studying for free and i couldnt stop fucking it up. my mental health was shit. i collapsed. i failed everything and i dropped out first year. my mom never knew. she still doesnt know i dropped out.

but hey that was because im fucking lazy and depressed right. that happened because i didnt have my meds for like a month. of course i was going to fail. so i tried again. same career same university, different year. THIS year.

same story. 

except this time i was like no you know what? i’m not even that depressed anymore, i did my best, and i still cant fucking make it, i still hate what im doing but i still love design. so i asked around, i asked if the career was really that bad. turns out everyone knows its shit lmao

so i wanted to drop out- except they had already kicked me out bc i had failed too many times LMAO

this was on july this year. and i started investigating and asking around. for the first time in my entire life i started thinking about my education without thinking “what will my mom say”. because FUCK what she thinks. trying to make her happy has given me nothing but pain. ive wasted FOUR YEARS of my life trying to make her happy, going to a piece of SHIT university JUST BECAUSE ITS A ~TRADITIONAL~ ONE.

so FUCK THAT.

and guess what

im currently enrolled in graphic design. on the institute i first wanted to go. because guess what. ITS ONE OF THE BEST PLACES TO STUDY GRAPHIC DESIGN. AND I KNEW IT FROM THE BEGINNING.

so this semester ive been doing a whole bunch of nothing and classes start on march. im currently bored to death. but anyway

thing being, no one has told me yet if i’ll be able to renew my benefits. ive asked around and still, not a single social worker has been able to tell me. my previous university’s social worker first told me she would “email me” the info. never happened. i kept sending emails and going there trying to get some answers, nothing. i was told by another social worker that i should apply again just in case, though i should be renewing, so i did. today the “results” came out: i still have no fucking clue.

i dont know if ill have to bury myself in debt. i dont know if ill have to pay for it. i dont know if ill be able to renew my benefits and keep studying for free or at least for less. and its fucking me up. im stressed, im anxious, i just.

i just wanna study in peace and im so angry that ive wasted so many years learning nothing and wasting benefits on careers i didnt even want to be in just to make my mom happy. im so fucking angry at myself, and at her. the other day i told her all of this and she has the NERVE of saying “OH SO ITS ALL MY FAULT THEN?!” LIKE BITCH YES! ITS ALL, EVERYTHING, YOUR FUCKING FAULT. THESE FOUR FUCKING YEARS THESE HAVE ALL BEEN YOUR. FUCKING. FAULT.

so yeah i want to kill myself lmfao if you read till here sorry but i got nothing to give you but it means a lot. if you read this pls like this post lol