#i know you didn't ask for my mini thesis but... anyway.

[theprophetsaid]

It’ll only let me Ask from my main and not my Queen side-blog but whatevs, ANYWAY y’know, I’d always joked that Roger may as well be the president of the Freddie Mercury fan club but after skimming your blog….it’s definitely Brian lol

I knew they were super close—obviously—but apparently I’ve never fully processed just how insane their dynamic was/is until now. Anywho, love those guys

Yeah, sorry, Roger... Brian has you beat there ;)

I'm kidding, obviously. It's not a competition, but it is a fact that Brian expresses his emotions about Freddie more openly and very differently from Roger. That has always been clear to me. They talk about him differently. Remember him differently.

Just consider the Days of Our Lives documentary (paraphrasing follows)

Roger: "I remember when Freddie got so drunk that he put his tights on back to front. We had to hold him upside down to help him. It was so funny. We were afraid he would collapse during the concert, but he was a tough guy."

Brian: "I remember Freddie was very considerate [while he was ill in '74]. He'd come by and reassure me that they'd wait for me to get better. He could be kind of abrasive, but there was a lot of caring in that man. He was incredibly loyal to me."

This shows their different personalities, too, I think. Roger prefers to reminisce about fun times with his friend. He remembers Freddie as someone who made him laugh and showed his strength on stage, but he very rarely lets us in on how Freddie made him feel outside of that.

Brian, on the other hand... Brian can't hold it back. He openly and frequently pours his heart out about how Freddie made him feel, and all we can do is listen to it. There are definitely people in this fandom who try to Look Away from Brian's grief as much as possible. Sometimes, I honestly don't blame them. It's a lot once you start paying attention.

[rainbowhairedgirl-blog1]

Grad School Expectation vs Reality: The Second Year and Qualifying Exams

For most PhD programs you have the first of two "Qualifying Exams" or "Quals" at the end of your first year or beginning of your second year. Depending on the subject and how your program is set up, this could be a cumulative test on the info from all your first year classes or it's a proposal (typically an oral presentation/ mini defense of your proposal with a written portion). My program (Biomedical Sciences) did not have information heavy classes so our first qual was a proposal at the beginning of our second year.

Initially, I felt grateful that our qual was not some lofty cumulative test. In fact, the way our qual is set up is supposed to be helpful. You pick two professors to be your qual committee members and get assigned a 'chair' to help lead it. You then propose work that you'll probably do in the lab you just joined and write it in the style of a grant application. It seemed like a great way to dive into the literature on what you think your thesis will be on and the written portion could then be expanded into a grant application to get funding for yourself!

Oh my god, I did not know the hell I was in for.

I chose two female professors that were in my more specific field of study. I was excited to have great female representation in a system (academia) that sorely lacks in it. I then got assigned a chair who was also female. Badass, right? Wrong. More like "bad, she's an asshole."

Our proposal had a few intermediary due dates for sections of the written portion before our oral presentation. Unfortunately, despite the proactive approach I took meeting with each committee member individually and getting overall positive feedback, just a day or two before the first writing deadline the first event in my series of unfortunate events occurred. I received an email from my chair on behalf of the entire committee saying they had met together (without me) and had 'major concerns' about my proposal. In this lengthy, she detailed all the concerns they had and literally threatened to fail me (at the first deadline of the whole ordeal) if I didn't 'sufficiently address their concerns before the upcoming deadline.'

I don't think I have ever received such a destructive email. It was quite frankly cruel, including pointed digs at me, my character, and my ability. Luckily, my PI is amazing and was so pissed on my behalf when he read through the email. We met and I quickly sent a bullet-pointed response to their critiques. They approved the draft and I continued on. The second deadline was for the final written proposal and I was *extremely* proactive and anxious going into that. I was concerned that they would once again pull the rug out from me at the last minute with a bunch of 'issues' even though I had asked for feedback the last time. It would take too long to detail the following interactions but it was a string of back-and-forth emails with me trying to avoid the previous disaster and stress and the chair just twisting my words to dig at me and my PI. It was super bizarre, especially in hindsight, as he is the lead PI of a grant she's a co-investigator for and they have a good working relationship. Anyways, it was honestly extremely anxiety-inducing but I got my written proposal finished and approved.

Last, came the oral presentation; this was a slideshow presentation of the proposal where your committee gets to grill you throughout. They can ask you basically any question, in theory related to the project and considerations/background info you should have. At this point, I've had an objectively poor experience with this committee and I'm a wreck, worried about them just decimating me. The chair had made it clear that they approved my written proposal but lowkey hated the project I was proposing. Important note: I was basically going to work on biological technology development for my thesis but my committee insisted I write my proposal on a singular disease. Doing so, I had to write a proposal involving work I knew I wouldn't do myself (ie I'm an in vitro scientist but half of my proposal was on in vivo mouse work) but they said it was fine because 'I didn't have to actually do the work I was proposing.' So I was going into my oral presentation basically know that my committee was already prejudiced against my proposed project and they would likely grill me on aspects of science I don't actually work in. Couple that with the original threat of not passing me, I honestly was concerned about passing my qual.

As part of the COVID class (incoming 2020), I did get to choose if I would do my oral presentation in-person or virtually. I was grateful to defend my proposal from the comfort of my own apartment, with my partner in the other room, able to put a little cheat sheet on the white board in front of me. I was extra grateful when my committee did in fact continue on to grill me. I walked out of that meeting as a charred crisp. They had asked questions, one member even arguing with me saying 'you'll never be able to do this' when I was trying to tell her that my lab had literally successfully done it many times. My committee went into a breakout room to deliberate and I walked out to my boyfriend and started crying. I told him I wasn't sure they were going to pass me and he just gave me a hug. I didn't know at the time, but he had already told his boss he might have to leave their 1:1 meeting early because it had not sounded like my presentation was going well in the other room.

I returned to my computer and my committee came back. My chair says, "I just want to start off my saying that we think you did a good job and we can really see that you put a lot of work into this... that being said..." and my heart dropped. I knew she was about to fail me. My chair finally spits out "Congratulations." I stare at her dumbfounded, my eyes wide. She laughs and says--WORD FOR WORD--"What? You didn't actually think we were going to fail you, did you?"

I was flabbergasted. The audacity of the lady who had made the past 3 months of my life a living hell to mock my anxieties? To act as if the trauma she had put me through was silly? It made it seem like her actions were intentional and I had never felt so small. I sobbed after the whole thing was over. I was relieved to have passed but I was left facing the aftermath of having my anxiety ratcheted up from my quals.

----------------------------

So, yeah. That was the oh-so-fun start to my second year of grad school. I thought things would have gotten better after my COVID-y first year; I thought I was going to settle into a lab and really figure out my project. Instead I got some trauma to work through and heightened anxiety (and I already had generalized anxiety). I struggled to figure out what I was doing and what my thesis story would end up being exactly. I watched the new 1st years in my program get integrated into our department, saw them have all the things we should have had. My second year was tougher than I thought it would be.

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

Hey sorry if this is weird but are you doing okay? I hope ur day is nice and ur super cool and write great fanfics!

Hi! No, it's not weird at all, ha. Thanks for checking in! And I'm glad you like my fics!! :-D

(Warning, mini rant up ahead. It's about things that happened months ago, but still. Warning. It also gets a bit long and heavy in places, since this is a bit of a loaded question for me these days, ha.

Also, I'm putting a read more, since this OF COURSE got way too long 😅)

Before the read more, though, I just wanted to say that tomorrow is my birthday and I'm turning 26, which is both terrifying and exciting! :-D Also I like colors. :-)

Now, to answer the question... ehhh. It's complicated. If you'd asked me this back in October/November, my answer would have been a very firm "NO." I was... not doing good back then. It was a mix of things, like an upcoming internship I was terrified of, and my half done thesis that I was constantly putting off, but mainly it was an absolutely TERRIBLE sub supervisor at work who kept changing our schedule then getting mad at me when I didn't know what was going on and got stressed out at the change (since I'm the kind of person who needs a schedule or I flounder). For example, she always wanted us to prep snack for the kids before the program started (I'm an after school teacher), but she wouldn't buy the snack until the day of, and then she'd be late, getting there maybe 5 minutes before program started, which is when I needed to be in my classroom, since I was by myself with like... 20 1st-5th graders. She straight up hurled abuse at me and my coworker because of it. She also got mad at me when I refused to do things that would put myself or the kids in danger, such as leaving me alone with 30+ UTK (preschool)-5th grade students running around a field that was 5 minutes from our usual classroom and at least 2 minutes away from the next adult, all while I was recording the laps they were all running, something that was already a challenge with two people and that I struggled with doing in a good day since I'm an awful multi-tasker.

Now, one thing to note about me is that I take great pride in my work. I've worked with kids for over 5 years now, and have been in a graduate program to become a school counselor for almost 3 years. I KNOW how to be around kids. I am very competent at my job and the kids all respect me (I hope) and I care very, very deeply for all the kids, especially the "older" kids I work with. But I legit wanted to quit multiple times during the 3 months she was my supervisor. If I didn't know she was only a sub, I would have. My coworker did, and while the supervisor wasn't the only reason, it was part of it. I had 2 panic attacks at work alone, struggling not to cry in front of the children, which I never want to do because I don't want to worry them. And of course the supervisor got mad that I had my coworker get the kindergarteners (which, by the by, IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MY JOB SINCE I WORK WITH THE OLDER STUDENTS, but she forced me to do it anyway, making me late starting in my classroom, which stressed me out more) during one of my panic attacks. Oh, and she also made me walk to the front of the school to pick up kindergarteners (which is a long walk from our classrooms) despite me saying that I had SEVERELY hurt my foot and that walking on it hurt. And she claimed I didn't do my work, despite the fact that I was the only one who was doing my job, it was her who wasn't, which made me unable to do mine.

So... yeah. The beginning of the school year last year was awful, but it got really bad in October, when my coworker quit and I was left alone with this supervisor for a month and a half. And if anyone is curious, I did actually complain to her supervisor after she made me walk on my injured foot and said I "wasn't doing my job" JUST BECAUSE I COULDN'T WALK, EVEN THOUGH I OFFERED TO PICK UP THE UTK STUDENTS INSTEAD. But while her supervisor was very apologetic while I was talking to her, literally nothing happened. Not even an apology. And I'm still working with this woman, though she's not my supervisor anymore. She's the assistant supervisor, but she's been subbing at other schools recently, so I've not had to see her much. Ironically, when she is around, I get along fine with her. That's one of the reasons those several months hurt so much; we were kind of friends beforehand. And we're kind of friends again. I've never been one to hold grudges, luckily. But that doesn't make it hurt less. Obviously, since it's still bothering me several months later. (Oh, and side note, but this supervisor was in her mid to late 30's. So, it's not like she's young and didn't know better.)

But that was months ago. And once my usual supervisor came back (who I'm also friendly with, and who is FAR more competent than the sub) things got a lot easier. I still have my internship to worry about, which is it's own brand of stress, but things have calmed down a lot since then. Not as good as it was before, but... I'm getting there. Oh! Another thing that helped was that I finally finished my final project/thesis, which had been a source of stress for months, since I was almost 6 months late to starting and even more to finishing the project, the whole thing with my sub supervisor making it all worse. But I finished it and turned it in last month, and my professor said I did really well and that I should be proud. I was terrified it was awful since I struggled so hard, and it was so relieving to know that it was good and that I'm done.

Also! Like I said earlier, it's my birthday tomorrow! I'm turning 26, which is... a weird number. Far more than I ever expected. Not because I thought I'd die, no. But just... I never really thought this far ahead as a teen, you know? I was so focused on getting through college, and then grad school, that the passage of time kind of got all wonky. I'm also a little nervous, since my last two birthdays have... sucked. A lot. Last year my dad's appendix burst right after my birthday dinner and he spent several hours in the hospital waiting area, none of us knowing what was wrong with him. And then, after we learned what was wrong, we were worried he would die from sepsis or a complication with the surgery, since my dad is a larger man and is not the healthiest. And the year before we learned we had mold in the wall between my and my brother's bedroom, so we'd have to move out a week later for at least 3 weeks while they fixed it. Which was terrifying, since the reason we had to leave our old apartment was because of mold. They sprayed some mold killer that my mom was horribly allergic to, so we had to move abruptly, and we were all terrified we'd have to abruptly move in the middle of the year, when rent everywhere in my area is stupidly high. We have a good rate where we currently are, since we've lived here 15 years, but anywhere else...? Yeah.

This ended up longer than intended... but I think anyone who follows me here knows to expect that when asking me a simple question by now, ha. Ultimately I'm doing... alright. Not great, not terrible, but... okay. Basically, I was treading water before, but now I'm holding onto a life preserver, if that makes sense. Out of immediate danger, but at risk of falling if things get worse again.

If all goes well, though, I will be done with my grad program by April, and then I will be going on a sort of graduation cruise with my parents during Spring Break, then in May I'm going to Japan with my brother, as a dual graduation, 30th birthday celebration for him (his birthday is March 10th, but he didn't want to go to Japan in March since the weather isn't great. And he didn't want to go in April because it's busy with Golden Week and cherry blossom season). I've been actually planning and budgeting this trip, which is exciting, since I have a lot of cool things planned and I really hope the trip goes as well as I'm hoping it will. I also hope I might be able to find some Danganronpa things while there, since it is more popular in Japan, I think? Not sure if there will be merch for it, since it is older, and I honestly don't know if it was that big in Japan, but I can hope, ha. I'm also excited for all the Nintendo and Pokémon things, since I love Nintendo and Pokémon.

Now, I should end this here or I'll be talking all day, ha. Sorry for the wall of text, but I've not really spoken about any of this on here, since it was just... not easy. But it's getting better. And the fact I'm writing again showcases that. I'm more than halfway done with my next chapter of my Bowuigi fic, Luigi and the Beast, which I feared I was done with for good. I don't know if I'll keep writing after this chapter, but writing anything after months of anxiety and writer's block is amazing.

Finally... thanks for checking in. And I'm glad you like my fics! If it isn't obvious by now, I have a lot of anxiety surrounding my writing, so I'm really glad that people do enjoy it. ^-^