#i know the shadow dad is hot and we're all thirsty for him

[yanlei-a]

Would Zed blush if someone called him their heartlight? After the incident with shen, does he have the ability to romance/fall in love again?

— anon

answering the second question first: could he fall in love again?

i think so, i just don't think it'd ever be easy. even before he left the kinkou, i don't think romance would have been necessarily easy if only because he had so many issues related to his self-worth resulting from literally everything he lived before. in my long ass post about yevnai, i mentioned i don't think he was in love with her, but rather infatuated with the idea someone was interested in him like that — with shen it's different, because there's so much genuine affection and gratitude and devotion involved, and even then i do think he'd have hesitated to see himself as worthy of having his affections retributed, at least for a considerable amount of the time they had together.

at some point he did manage to overcome those feelings, and that's definitely not the case anymore, he doesn't see himself as lesser, but there are so many other complications. from the moment he decided not only to leave the kinkou, but really when he decides to go back for the tears of shadows, zed knows he's damning himself to a path of no return he can't really expect anyone to be willing to walk with him — and to which he doesn't want the person he has the most love for to share (which is why he goes to such lengths to ensure shen won't follow him to the darkness).

the constant about him from that point on is that he is willing to do increasingly terrible things for his ideals and to protect ionia. he embraced his villain role, believing it is ultimately necessary. that, however, also means keeping most people at arm's length. there are too many who'd reject him for what he is, and even among those who wouldn't, zed is definitely not trusting or easily approachable. the man chose to close himself off, and i think it'd be a very slow and difficult process to get him to open up to anyone. even among his own order, i don't see him being generally open or in any way very affectionate, even with platonic relationships (and i do think his pupils are the exception, there, because of the role he has in their lives and the fact he's trying to be better to them than his own master was to him but anyway that's beside the point). the point is anyone interested would have to deal with the fact he's not changing his ways, he is going to continue doing horrible things and playing his role as the villain, he will actively try to keep them at a safe distance before they have his affection. he won't even believe there's someone who genuinely cares about him like that and there's nothing more involved in that, that it isn't an attempt at manipulation or to exploit vulnerability.

and, well, when it comes to shen, he really doesn't expect shen to be a part of his life like that (or in any positive way, really), after the comic events. that was his last, desperate attempt at getting shen to realize the truth without breaking his word, and even before that they've been apart (and enemies) for many years. he clearly holds shen in high regard and always will. shen will never not be important to him. but that doesn't necessarily implicate romantic feelings always.

so is it impossible? not really. but it'd take patience and time and dedication, and even in a scenario where there are feelings from both sides, zed might still be unwilling to act on them if he thinks the association with him would make the other person suffer in any way. it'd still take patience because he cares so much and he's capable of so much love but receiving it is something else entirely. he doesn't really know how to deal with that. there are so many old wounds left by the people he was close to before. and it'd have to be someone he trusts entirely and that is, before being a lover, a friend.

anyway if anyone is willing to go through all the obstacles and love him flawed and broken as he is, then, sure, romance is still possible. the pros are you'll have the most devoted partner. will kill for you. also die, possibly. but also be mindful of his single dad status and that his kids apparently aren't fond of the idea of their dad dating lmao

as to how he'd react to being called heartlight... i assume that'd demand a committed relationship, considering how the word is used in canon, so it'd have to be used by someone who he loves and who loves him after they're already together. regardless, it'd make him so very soft?? genuinely don't think he ever expected to be with someone like that. if he's not expecting it the first time, then maybe he'd be a little flustered, but for the most part i think he wouldn't be as much embarrassed as it'd make him melt completely. it's a very meaningful and loving word, and one he would consider himself the antithesis of (to be the light in someone's heart? ironic, when he made shadow his business). but whoever got to the point would have shown they see something good in him already, and he wouldn't be as unwilling to acknowledge that with them, so. but yeah it's not a word he would use lightly, so it'd be very meaningful to him. it'd make him a little emotional.