#i know i'm extra drained because of the weather fluctuations and whatnot but like. i'm way too exhausted to deal with this shit right now.

[dredshirtroberts]

today is my mom's birthday. and i hate her.

i hate her for not being curious or sharing what she did know about our family's health issues. i hate her for not paying attention to her children when they needed her. i hate her for not paying attention to me for decades unless it benefited her. i hate her for having gotten a special super duper surprise birthday theme for her 51st birthday when the very next month for my Actual Milestone Birthday of turning 30 (which my family has always treated as special) i got BLATANTLY ignored on MULTIPLE points in the "evening of festivities" including WHILE EATING MY SPECIAL DINNER (which was a backup option because the whole plan for my birthday i had was thrown out for whatever SHE wanted to plan instead). as in i ate it almost completely alone in a different room because no one wanted to choose to sit with me. For my own fucking birthday.

i hate her for hating herself so loudly and specifically that i know why she doesn't like me. I wear her face better than she does, and she's angry she doesn't think she looks hot and I do. And I can't point out that i look just like her or i risk pointing a mirror at her and going "So you *don't* love me, because i look like all the things you hate". But if I point out I look like any of dad's family i don't because then i'm trying too hard to be a boy which she hates.

i hate her. i hate her for never taking us to the doctor. i hate her.

i hate her because she was supposed to love me. but she didn't.

and now that i've rescinded my love... now what?

i can't call dad if my tire blows out on the highway. I couldn't do that even before I stopped talking to them because of how far away I am now, but... now I really can't. All I'd get is a lecture on how dangerous i'm probably being (even if the reason for the car troubles is in no way my fault, it has to be my fault. it's always my fault.) and told to figure it out for myself once the panic is over.

i've never been able to call my mom for anything.

Ever.

she was never the person i went to. she couldn't be. she probably wanted to be on occasion, but she never did the work either.

In cutting my parents off, i really didn't actually lose anything. the amount of contact i've had with them since i blocked them everywhere last July has been about on par as what it used to be before i stopped talking to them - just without the anxiety of a potential reemergence of them into my life.

and i hate my mother. and there might be a hole in my heart (non-metaphorical, and also non-concerning, somehow). and i hate my mother.