#i know based on the stills there'll be another one to add to this after tomorrows ep

[tarttedup]

jamie and his little bags

bonus:

[tehuti88-art]

9/15/23: r/SketchDaily theme, "Free Draw Friday." Whew, rather glad to finally get this guy out of the way.

This week's character from my anthro WWII storyline is Obergefreiter (Corporal) Adalard von Staden, with flight helmet and goggles (top drawing), with flight helmet and goggles down (middle drawing), and with garrison cap (bottom drawing). He's a young but skilled pilot whose character I rather abandoned for a while but decided to resurrect; as such he needs a background, though he's already developed a bit of plot in the main story. There'll be more about him later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se.

Regarding his design, kind of a journey getting here; I looked up flight helmets and drew one, then when I got to the ear section I realized that with his ears I couldn't give it the standard built-in headphones! The part I'd been studying most. Oops. So he wears external headphones. Then after everything was finished I realized--I forgot his goggles!! So I had to tweak the finished drawing to add them, which also meant adding a third drawing.

Now you see why I'm glad to check him off my list.

TUMBLR EDIT: Adalard von Staden's story is still heavily under development and I haven't had time lately to iron out details, though you can see how part of it developed organically in Vischer's entry. That's from an outside observer's POV; now here's what I know so far from von Staden's POV, which is still heavily a WIP.

Von Staden dates to around the second reboot, circa 2000 or so. Here's how he's originally described:

ADALARD "EAGLE" VON STADEN: Cpl.; Nazi soldier captured by the Trench Rats. Appears in sequel

Firstly, note that back then, I casually equated "German soldier" with "Nazi." This no longer holds in the current version; von Staden is in the Wehrmacht (Luftwaffe), but isn't a member of the Nazi Party. Secondly, I kept track of which story the characters appeared in...I'm not quite sure what I meant by "sequel." Since it's considered separate from "current storyline" on the list yet von Staden wasn't intended to appear in Ultima Thule (the "epilogue") as far as I'm aware, I must have meant Reunion, which, although I consider it its own story arc, is still technically "current storyline." So, that's confusing. As well, in the current scenario, von Staden first appears early on in Reborn and then is absent for much of the plot, for reasons that will become clear; so this notation on the list should just be ignored. Finally, the nickname "Eagle." This was likely in reference to his flying skills, though I'll probably abandon it as hokey. Oddly, I'd THOUGHT it was a reference to his first name, but now I see that's impossible--"Adal-" is merely yet another reference to nobility (see Adel, Edelgard, and Adelina Dobermann for other examples); when I Google the German word for eagle, it's Adler. Close, but definitely not to be mistaken for Adalard. So maybe I had a faulty baby names book (how I got names back then), but more likely I just misremembered how he got his nickname.

Von Staden is a young Junker and a low-ranking member of the Luftwaffe (I don't know if they had such low-ranking soldiers in such positions, PLUS, I'm likely getting ranks wrong, as I generalize the Wehrmacht ranks between the branches, so if anyone knows a correction to offer, feel free, I get too confused looking into it myself); he's likely a flying ace. He's not a Nazi, he's uninterested in politics, but he loves his country and he loves the adventure of flying. He doesn't care for killing, though of course he loves the exhilaration of the fight and especially the victory. (NOTE that while one, the Luftwaffe very much did commit war crimes, and two, von Staden is not based on this person, still, his Wikipedia page offers some interesting details on unusual attitudes regarding killing the enemy, which did inspire some of my character's story actions: Hans-Joachim Marseille. Dude even listened to jazz music! *horrors*) He earns awards and medals and looks like he's going places.

He gets shot down near the start of Reborn and is forced to eject near an apparently abandoned village that was recently bombed. He lands safely, though is injured, and wanders into the village seeking medical attention. While there, he spots large shapes looming from the hazy air hanging over the buildings and steps aside in time to witness a bizarre procession: Large dogs with some sort of saddlebags slung across their shoulders and riders in gas masks high atop their necks, more masked figures atop eagles and hawks, a few riding motorcycles, and a large number of them on foot. (Most recently I imagine this scene in conjunction with Within Temptation's "Mercy Mirror." An earlier, alternate version featured Little River Band's "Middle Man." Frankly, the latter makes more sense.) Von Staden watches in awe as the large contingent of Trench Rats, members of the American Allied forces, move past and spread out through the gutted village, presumably seeking survivors, as the Rats astride the dogs have red crosses on their helmets. In particular, he notices one Rat on foot (Turquoise) who slows to a stop and crumples to his knees outside one house, as if nearly fainting; the Rat beside him hooks his elbow around his and carefully helps him up before gesturing at a few others to check inside. They return a few moments later with a couple of injured villagers in tow, and hand them off to a Rat who climbed down from one of the dogs. Then--a motorcycle with sidecar abruptly pulls up beside von Staden and he finds himself staring down the barrels of two guns, a Trench Rat sergeant and corporal both aiming right at him. Von Staden is promptly taken prisoner.

He's restrained, taken to one of the dogs, bustled up and into one of the box compartments, blindfolded, and has noise-dampening headphones placed on him. The ride--wherever--is long and bumpy. When the blindfold and headphones are finally removed, he finds himself in what appears to be a medical ward; a doctor tends to his injuries, though as he's doing so, the Trench Rat corporal arrives and starts talking to the doctor--the two seem to engage in a brief dispute. At last the doctor says to von Staden, in flawless German, "He wants to know if you're willing to answer questions regarding your identity and your mission. I'm not inclined to waste my time. Will you agree to be questioned or should I just tell him to f**k off now?" (Hahaha, for funsies I Google Translated and this came out as "Er möchte wissen, ob Sie bereit sind, Fragen zu Ihrer Identität und Ihrer Mission zu beantworten. Ich neige nicht dazu, meine Zeit zu verschwenden. Sind Sie bereit, befragt zu werden, oder soll ich ihm jetzt einfach sagen, dass er sich verpissen soll?" Actually not bad retranslated.) Von Staden is speechless for a moment before gathering himself and muttering, "Just tell him my name is Adalard von Staden, I am a corporal in the Luftwaffe, and I have nothing else to say." The doctor accordingly translates; the other corporal looks disgruntled, but retreats. Von Staden is silent as the doctor wraps up his wound, then asks, "What is going to happen to me, now?" The doctor, gathering his instruments, replies, "Now you're going to be treated as a prisoner of war."

Von Staden is uneasy, but soon realizes his fears are unfounded; the Trench Rats aren't interested in harming him. He remains in the medical ward for a time, though he's cuffed to the bed. And they're still interested in trying to get information out of him. He quickly catches on that most of the Rats are nicknamed after colors--the doctor is Burgundy, the pushy corporal is Gold, and the sergeant is Black. Neither Gold nor Black seems fluent in German, though Burgundy is, and either he or another Rat without a color nickname always translates; this fourth Rat is even better with the language than Burgundy is, talking like a native speaker, even with a trace of a regional accent. Von Staden spends a good deal of time trying to determine if he's American or German. Gold and Black, meanwhile, are polar opposites, yet both share the same goal, of trying to get von Staden to talk. Gold is quite voluble and rather loudmouthed--"He never shuts up, does he," von Staden says to the unnamed Trench Rat, who looks vaguely awkward before translating this for Gold, who just gets that peeved look again--whereas Black says few words and is soft spoken. He also seems less easily irritated than Gold; although he never threatens or says anything ominous, he conceals his emotions well, so von Staden can't get a read on him, and this makes him nervous.

Either way, both keep trying to get him to answer questions, and he keeps refusing. He wonders just how far he can push them, and though he remains polite and civil toward Black and Burgundy--both of whom outrank him--and toward the other Rat, who is always polite himself--he offers increasingly flippant responses to Gold, whom he views as an equal and thus fair game. Gold's obviously short temper is hard to resist. Gold does frequently look annoyed, and offers insulting responses of his own (Burgundy finally refuses to continue translating their spats for each other--"You'll have to act like children without my aid"--leaving the fourth Trench Rat to do the job instead), but never quite steps over the line. He and Black share a few words one day and Gold makes a dismissive gesture before saying something and leaving; Black nods at the fourth Rat, who tells von Staden that he'll be dealing with him and Black now. Von Staden feels a twinge of disappointment--his verbal sparring with Gold had been vaguely amusing--but says nothing to Black, who soon also leaves. Von Staden gets the fourth Rat's attention before he can go as well.

Von Staden: "You. I don't know your name."

Trench Rat: "It doesn't matter."

Von Staden: "You've been respectful with me so I'd appreciate to refer to you by a proper name, rather than 'You.'"

Trench Rat: *seeming vaguely uncomfortable* "I'm just here to translate, I don't mind how you refer to me." *turns to leave*

Von Staden: *quickly* "Are you German--?"

Trench Rat: *halts* "What...?"

Von Staden: "You speak like a comrade, like you're from the city. Were you born there? Is the Fatherland yours?"

Trench Rat: "I'm American."

Von Staden: *slightly disappointed* "Then I must say your command of the language is impeccable, I thought for sure you must be one of us. Even your doctor doesn't speak with a German accent. How did you learn it so well?"

Trench Rat: *pause* "Immersion." *turns to leave* "I have to get back to my work now."

Von Staden: "Could I at least have your name?"

Trench Rat: *halts again; hesitates* "Weltuntergang." *exits*

Von Staden is left with a lot to think about. The Trench Rat interpreter's codename translates to end of the world. Doomsday. Von Staden knows exactly who he's dealing with now, as well as why he speaks such perfect German. Projekt Weltuntergang is an SS-funded experiment to increase a subject's strength, stamina, and intelligence, the final goal being to create a supersoldier; there's been lots of subdued talk about the perfected serum eventually being used on subjects exactly like von Staden, but the project has been plagued with bugs and this is unlikely to happen any time soon. So far, the project's poster child has been an American soldier who was briefly captured and detained before being rescued upon the formation of the Trench Rats; that's who this is. He wasn't a test subject for long, which is what amazes von Staden even more--during his brief imprisonment, he learned to speak German with a German accent, well enough to fool a native speaker. Von Staden is all kinds of fascinated by Doomsday, and wishes to know more, though the Trench Rat seems uninclined to oblige him.

Black Rat takes notice of this, however, and calls a small meeting with D-Day and Gold. He says that von Staden's obvious interest in D-Day--D-Day is the only Rat he attempts to initiate conversation with--might be used to their advantage, and suggests that D-Day answer the personal questions von Staden is peppering him with. It's quite a long shot, but just maybe von Staden will be a little more open to sharing some information of his own. D-Day doesn't outright object to the idea, but is plainly uncomfortable. Gold is the one who objects: "He could end up compromising himself," he protests. "He wouldn't be sharing any information that the German authorities don't already know," Black says, "the only difference is Herr von Staden presumably doesn't know." He reiterates how there's a slight chance it could lead to an exchange of information--von Staden might even slip up and overshare, or provide a seemingly innocuous detail that proves to be useful--and after an awkward pause D-Day promises to give it a shot, and leaves. Says Gold, "Yeah, well...I still think it's a sh*tty idea, no offense, with too much risk and too little benefit. And frankly I don't think you should've put him in this position." "He had the choice to say no," Black says, to which Gold retorts, "Did he, though...?"

D-Day returns to the medical ward and von Staden, who immediately perks up on seeing him; despite D-Day being American, and the enemy, he sees them as kindred spirits of a sort--they've both been prisoners of war. He asks a few general questions and seems a bit surprised when D-Day answers; yet instead of prying further, he hesitates, then ventures, "You seem uneasy, Herr Doomsday." D-Day dismisses this concern and says he's free to ask him anything else he'd like. "What has changed between today and yesterday--?" von Staden asks, perplexed. This time D-Day pauses before saying, "I've been advised to answer your questions. So, feel free to ask." Yet this comment has the exact opposite effect than intended; von Staden's confusion grows and he says, "Advised?--or ordered?" When D-Day insists he wasn't ordered to do anything, he refuses to believe it, and also refuses to ask any more questions. "I've been terribly rude, and I apologize," von Staden says; "Your life and experiences are none of my business, and it was thoughtless of me to presume they were." D-Day knows he can't press the issue without tipping him off that this was a strategic move, so he starts to leave; before he can reach the door, von Staden adds, "You shouldn't put up with them treating you like some sort of device to get what they want." D-Day stops, turns his head to look back at him. "It's not much different from what we did to you, is it...?" von Staden says, and D-Day exits.

So, Black's plan is a wash; he isn't upset by it, though Gold is rather soured by the attempt, and it has plainly bothered D-Day as he excuses himself to go lurk in the wiring tunnels for a while. Von Staden feels a little embittered as well, not so much by the attempted trick as by the fact that even the Americans stoop to such levels. Despite their relatively decent treatment of him, he decides to try to look for an opportunity to escape. He figures his chances are best while he's still in the medical ward; they're likely to transport him to a regular cell afterward, and he isn't sure if he'll be able to escape from there so easily; at least here, the only restraint he has to contend with is the cuff on his wrist. He figures out how to pick it with a tool he steals from a medical tray and keeps concealed, and memorizes the movements of various staff and visitors. He can hear whenever the Rats bring in other captured Germans, but they're always kept carefully separated so they can't communicate and the newcomers never have any idea von Staden is even there. He also decides to take a cue from Black although it chafes him: He'll try to use the electrical tunnels to escape, banking on D-Day allowing him to do so. It's a very slim chance but it's all he has. He makes one request of Burgundy, that he be given back his Iron Cross which was confiscated with the rest of his uniform; Burgundy is hesitant, sensing some hidden meaning in this, yet can't think of any possible mischief von Staden can get into with a mere medal, so grants his request and gives back the Cross. Von Staden spends some time staring at it and wistfully thinking of home, his parents and his older sister, hoping he can see them again soon.

The nurse, Skye, informs him one day that he'll be moved soon as his injury has healed well enough, so von Staden decides it's time to act. He tucks the Iron Cross safely away and waits for the brief period between shift changes when he'll be left unattended; he chooses a shift change between Skye and another female nurse, knowing he could never hope to take on one of the male interns like Indigo. (Indigo is big and strong and f**king scary. And he hates Germans.) The change occurs, the ward goes empty, and von Staden hurriedly picks his cuff and slips out of bed. Grabs a set of pajamas and slippers as he doesn't have time to seek his uniform, tucks them under his arm, and flees. Working backwards, he goes in the general direction he'd felt himself moving in when first brought there, a pattern he's repeated in his head multiple times. He spots a round door set up higher in the wall; judging by the danger symbols on it, he guesses this leads to the electrical tunnels, and hauls the heavy door open and climbs inside, uncertain of what he'll find.

The tunnel is cramped, but serviceable. Von Staden starts crawling. He spots something he'd been hoping to find: A schematic of part of the tunnel layout. It's not the entire thing, but it'll do. He locates what he hopes is an exit to the outside and heads that way.

Before he can reach that tunnel branch, it happens--a torch beam flickers across his field of vision, and a second shadowy shape crawls into the tunnel. Von Staden and D-Day stare at each other a moment, the latter blinking with surprise and confusion. Von Staden promptly turns and goes scurrying, ignoring the Trench Rat's shouted "Hey--!" though he does reach into his gown and pull out his medal, dropping it behind him with a clatter. He can hear D-Day halt briefly when he finds it, but keeps on going. Locates the portal he guesses he's looking for and tries to open it; he panics briefly, thinking it's locked, before pushing rather than pulling--the door lets out a loud rusty groan of protest but nudges open, barely wide enough for him to squeeze out. Finds himself not outdoors, but in another tunnel, too dark to see; swallows down his rising anxiety, feels around, finds a corresponding portal just across from the first, and repeats the procedure. This door is even stickier than the other, and he batters it repeatedly with his shoulder before it pops open. He scrapes himself up rather badly crawling out as it's almost covered with thorny brush and weeds, plus his shoulder is throbbing by now, yet he makes it out, rolls down a short hillside, stumbles to his feet, and glances around. Nothing but woods, all around him. It's cloudy, so he can't tell which direction the sun is in. He takes a breath, picks a direction, and runs.

He doesn't stop until nightfall, and then only after he finds a small hollow to shelter in briefly. Here he strips out of his robe and undergarments and changes into the pajamas (he'd already put on the slippers), wincing and biting his tongue the entire time--he's just about sure he dislocated his shoulder. Still, there's no time to dwell on the pain; he conceals his discarded clothes, rests just long enough to catch his breath, then crawls out and goes running again, short sprints this time to try to conserve energy. He has no stars or anything else familiar by which to navigate, and just hopes that his luck holds and he finds his way back to his own side.

He has to hide again once or twice when he hears voices, determining that they're those of partisans who are likely to shoot him dead without a second thought. He starts swooning from pain, fatigue, and thirst, so that he ends up surprised by a man with a rifle who appears right in front of him, aiming between his eyes. Von Staden stumbles to a halt, gasping and shaking; he expects the partisan to finish him off, yet belatedly blinks and gets a better look at him. The gunman is alone but he's wearing fatigues and a field cap with the Wehrmachtsadler emblem on it--this is one of his own. The sniper looks surprised as well when von Staden tries to salute, exclaiming, "Mein Kamerad!" before collapsing. "My name is Adalard von Staden and I am an airman in the Luftwaffe," he says weakly when the sniper bends down to help him; "my plane was shot down and I was taken prisoner. Take me to the authorities so I may make a statement, bitte." He relaxes and tries to just let himself pass out, but the sniper lightly slaps his face a few times and something touches von Staden's mouth; realizing it's a canteen, he grasps hold of it and starts guzzling the water greedily. He gets a look at the sniper's name tag, is vaguely perplexed that it displays not a proper surname but the word RATTENHUND--Ratdog. "I think you need to see a doctor first," the sniper says, but von Staden shakes his head; he wants to make a statement, while the details are still fresh. They're in the middle of nowhere, and Ratdog has no radio; he pulls von Staden into the undergrowth, covers him with a blanket and tells him to stay put, and hurries off to find the nearest troop. Von Staden finally faints.

He groggily wakes to the faint voice of someone repeatedly calling, "Herr Obergefreiter? Herr von Staden." Drags his eyes open and blinks blearily, grimacing at the cottony feeling in his mouth and the floaty feeling in his head. His shoulder is still throbbing but it's an odd muted feeling he doesn't really care about. Someone in a uniform is standing at the foot of his bed...he's in a medical ward again. "Can you hear me, Herr von Staden...?" the man in uniform asks.

"Ja," von Staden mumbles; then, after being informed the morphine is likely what's making him feel funny, "I wished to make a statement," he complains, and names his commanding officer. "Who is this person?" the uniformed man asks; "He's my superior officer," von Staden says, "and I'd like to make my statement to him." "That's what I'm here for," the uniformed man replies; von Staden blinks again and squints harder until things come into focus. Then furrows his brow, confused. The man's uniform is the wrong color; he's obviously not with the Luftwaffe. There's a skull on his cap rather than a cockade and winged oak leaf wreath, the eagle is wrong, and he has the Sig runes on his collar. Von Staden stares at him for a perplexed moment. He can't think of why the Allgemeine-SS would want to talk to him, they aren't even military. Yet here one of them is, ready to take his statement. "Start at the beginning, bitte," he says; "Where did you crash, and what exactly happened...?"

Von Staden's nightmare officially begins. He outlines his experiences of the past few weeks in full detail (omitting only the empathy he felt for LC Doomsday), having no reason to lie about anything. Yet the SS officer starts asking odd questions that, while not ominous or threatening, make von Staden's unease grow. Why should there even be questions?--he told everything. The officer seems interested in his experience in Trench Rat custody; he was gone quite a while, why?--they wanted to let his injury heal, he replies. His shoulder, did they do that?--no, they didn't hurt him in the least. They interrogated him under pressure, surely?--no, they tried to ask questions but they weren't aggressive about it. He was intimidated or threatened at all?--no, they actually treated him quite well. The officer especially wants to know how he escaped, no Germans have ever escaped Trench Rat custody, how did he do it? Von Staden is reluctant to mention the very slight rapport he felt with D-Day, but otherwise tells the full truth, just as it happened. The officer just stares at him the entire time, and is silent for a while after he finishes. Von Staden fights not to fidget or ask questions himself, though by now he's burning to. Finally the SS officer says, "I notice in your file that you're not a registered member of the Party, is there any particular reason this is so...?" "I've never had any reason to," von Staden says, his confusion growing; "I've served the Reich faithfully, I've sworn allegiance to der Führer and the Fatherland, I've earned awards and commendations--I'm not sure what more I can do to prove my loyalty?" He expects that to be the end of it--he's been loyal and he's been honest--yet the SS officer just stares at him a moment more before saying, "We'll be in touch with you and your commanding officer soon. Feel better, but stay close to home for now, ja...?" and he leaves.

The entire experience has left a bad taste in von Staden's mouth, though he tries to put it out of his mind and get some rest. He's perplexed that his commanding officer never comes to speak with him, but figures the SS officer will tell him all he needs to know. He dozes fitfully and loses track of time, longing to get in a plane and see the sky again. Most of all, though, he misses his family.

A few days later, several SS men arrive and the officer instructs von Staden to get up from the bed. He obeys out of pure confusion; a nervous-looking nurse hands him some generic clothes which he's told to put on, and as he does so von Staden asks, "Where is my uniform--?" "You won't be needing it," the officer replies, and von Staden suddenly finds himself being cuffed and informed that he's being taken into custody for spying and treason against the Reich. "What--??" von Staden exclaims, and starts trying to protest, though the men grab his arms and bustle him out of the room and down the hospital hall. Doctors, nurses, assistants, other patients stand by and watch, dismayed and stunned looks on many faces, and he tries to appeal to a few of them, yet nobody dares intervene. "What did I do? What have I done--?" he cries in bewilderment as he's pulled out of the hospital and shoved into a truck, but nobody explains anything further; the truck door slams, the engine revs, it pulls away. Von Staden continues protesting for a few moments, gets no answers, falls silent at last...not because of the lack of answers, but because the truck is driving to the far end of the city, away from the Wehrmacht administrative building he should be reporting to. His stomach starts sinking though he isn't sure why.

The truck at last pulls to a stop. Everything else happens in such rapid-fire fashion that von Staden barely has time to protest further, though he's so stunned by now he nearly goes mute. There's no way any of this can be real, yet it is. He hadn't been able to get a good look out the window at where they are, but as soon as he's pulled out of the truck it becomes obvious. A gate with a guard station and the words ARBEIT MACHT FREI looms overhead. Von Staden is marched inside; the men with him briefly greet a scowling SS officer standing huddled in a greatcoat; he jerks his head and von Staden is shoved toward a building. He's told to strip out of the hospital clothes he just put on, is pushed into the building, and a shower head blasts him with cold water which makes him gasp and shudder; the minute he steps out, chattering, he's tossed striped clothes, told to dress, pushed into another building, has his photo taken, and a red triangle is affixed to his shirt. Back outside, he has a barracks building pointed out to him--"That's where you sleep tonight"--then is directed to a nearby guard overseeing a group of workers and told to fall in. Von Staden briefly glances at the other prisoners, who glance back with a mixture of dull curiosity and hostility--most are wearing yellow Judensterne, a few are wearing various colors of triangles--but he doesn't get to talk to anyone. The guard snaps an order and the others start to work, picking up and carrying away heavy stones; von Staden gasps when the guard thwacks him across the shoulders and barks, "Get a move on!" He scoops up as many of the stones as he can carry and hurries after the rest of his group.

Von Staden has heard of the camps--most citizens have, by now--though he's never been entirely sure what goes on in them. There are horror stories which he figured were somewhat exaggerated, yet even if they were entirely true, that was none of his business, had nothing to do with him. It's apparently his business, now. He quickly falls into the camp routine of rising before dawn, quickly using the toilets, going outside to get in formation, standing through the grueling roll call, getting his work assignment for the day, breaking for a brief watery meal, getting back to work, heading back to bed on a hard crowded bunk with nothing but his clothes and a threadbare blanket to keep him warm. He soon grows thin and glassy eyed from fatigue, hunger, and shock. Additionally, it's not just the guards he has to look out for; his fellow prisoners turn out to be even more of a threat. Of course the Jewish and Roma prisoners despise him for being a privileged Aryan, one of the same people who have victimized them; they get in shoves and hits and jabs at him whenever they can. Even worse, though, are the other German prisoners. Their risk of being outright killed by the guards is lower, so they're bolder in attacking him, and von Staden takes several brutal beatings--uselessly crying out, "I'm a German citizen!!" the entire time--before he at last snaps and hits back, knowing that if he doesn't start defending himself, nobody will. Every day is spent with his back to a figurative wall, not knowing who that day will try to target him; he becomes suspicious of everyone, rebuffing the few attempted kind gestures he's offered (including a guard's offer to send him to a slightly less strenuous job), and keeps completely to himself. He clings to the hope that this is some awful mistake--it has to be--and that soon it'll be set right--yet days and then weeks slip by, the situation not changing, and his hope begins to waver. Where is his CO, all the protest about such a travesty? Where is his family?

Unknown to von Staden, lots has been going on behind the scenes since he was taken into Trench Rat custody, most of it not good for him. His downed plane had been located not far from the abandoned village; nearby witnesses described seeing the hawks and the dogs heading in, marking an effort by the Trench Rats to find survivors. It's assumed that von Staden would have likewise headed into the village for medical attention, and was likely grabbed by the Rats. He confirms this upon his escape, but this just opens up a hundred more questions. Nobody else has ever escaped the Trench Rats; how did he manage? His assertion that the Rats treated him well, and had nothing to do with his injuries, only compounds matters. The SS promptly seizes control of the investigation from the Wehrmacht and starts digging. They track down Ratdog, the sniper who found von Staden in the woods, and question him; having no idea what's going on, and no reason to lie or suspect their motives, he answers honestly, though his corroboration of the details von Staden gives doesn't help the corporal's case any. They question von Staden's family--though without informing them that von Staden has been found and taken into custody--placing emphasis on checking their faithfulness to the Reich. Did von Staden ever show signs of disloyalty? Apathy? Did he ever speak against der Führer? Why did he never join the Party? Von Staden's peers in the Luftwaffe are similarly interrogated, again, without being told that he's in custody. For all that they're aware, he's still missing. The SS's questions perplex them but they answer the best they can, not knowing what else to do, and not wanting to end up on the wrong end of an interrogation themselves. Von Staden enters the camp system with no one but the SS being any the wiser. There's nobody out there who even thinks to look for him there. Nobody is coming to rescue him.

The months slog by, and von Staden slowly loses hope and goes numb, resigning himself to being a prisoner. He gets used to being referred to by a number and not a name; it isn't tattooed on his arm, that treatment is reserved for the Jews and Roma and Slavs, but it may as well be tattooed on his brain. He reaches a tense middle ground of knowing when to defend himself by fighting back and when to tuck his head down and just take the blows. He does his work without complaint, follows the routine, and speaks only when spoken to. He trusts nobody. And most of all, he doesn't hope, because he knows if he does it'll kill him.

As his luck would have it, it's a complete stranger, and a chance encounter, that ends up saving him. He and the rest of the prisoners are unexpectedly ordered to roll call one day; they drop what they're doing and hurry into the middle of the yard to get into rows. Von Staden stands waiting, not patiently as that implies a choice to wait impatiently, he just waits to be called. The commandant and guards don't seem to be interested in following through for some reason, everyone just stands there at attention as the commandant talks to a Wehrmacht captain, but nobody questions. Von Staden simply stands stiffly and waits to be either called or sent back to work. Then, suddenly, somebody walking by halts in front of him and stares at him. "Excuse me," he says softly; not expecting to be spoken to, von Staden shifts his eyes slightly to look at him. The man is dressed in civilian clothes, is somewhat glassy eyed, and trembles as if he doesn't even notice he's doing it; von Staden recognizes the signs of combat fatigue although he never experienced it himself. This is an older man, though, so he knows they never served together. For the first time in a long time, he feels a twinge of confusion--is this person actually talking to him?--why? He peers at the prisoner to his side, but he's looking straight ahead; peers back at the stranger and sees he's still looking at him; then resumes staring ahead, himself. There's no reason for anyone to talk to him, so he figures he's misunderstood. Then the stranger says, "Ja, you, with the red badge. Could you tell me your name...?"

Adalard von Staden meets Vischer, a Great War veteran who just happens to be taking a tour of the camp with his companion, Captain Harald Altermann. Vischer is secretly in contact with the Trench Rats. He's heard of the Luftwaffe ace, a young Junker, who was polite and well behaved yet escaped their custody, much to their consternation, without answering any of their questions. And now here he comes across a German "traitor and deserter" with a Junker name, in a concentration camp. Vischer takes a big risk asking for Altermann's aid in confirming von Staden's identity and getting him out of there, because they know that he's still officially missing, he was never court-martialed, and he definitely has no business being in a camp, wearing the badge of a traitor. Altermann takes a risk of his own and pulls a few strings. The Wehrmacht contacts the SS and presses a little harder than they normally would. After some nagging, then haggling, an officer heads to the camp with a brusque letter in hand, requesting von Staden's immediate release into his custody. A mistake was made, they need to correct it.

The commandant reads through the letter with growing alarm. "A mistake--?" he demands, voice rising. "This is what you call a mistake??" The Allgemeine-SS officer requests him to keep a civil tone; "Civil tone!" the commandant barks, shakes a fist wordlessly, then orders his adjutant to accompany them to his office. Shuts the door, and promptly lays into the other officer. He's PISSED that something like this could've happened, especially coming from an organization that regularly practices such strict oversight--how did this even happen? He doesn't care too much about von Staden himself; it's the way this incident may taint his reputation and the reputation of his camp that truly infuriates him. "Best pray Herr von Staden and his family don't come gunning for you and yours once this is resolved," he threatens, "honestly, if you were not SS, I'd be coming for you myself!" His adjutant says, "I'll fetch Herr von Staden and get the process started for his release," and turns to go; "IMMEDIATE release," the commandant clarifies, and adds, "Make sure you get him cleaned up. Fetch him a new uniform. Make him at least halfway presentable for his family--Gott knows we're going to have more than enough hassle to deal with aside from this!"

Von Staden has already brushed off his brief interaction with Vischer--of course his pathetic attempt would go nowhere, he doesn't even feel discouraged about it--and is busy breaking rocks in the yard. The adjutant approaches, calls, "Herr von Staden." Pauses, but von Staden ignores him, just keeps on working. The adjutant frowns, starts, "Herr von--" then cuts himself off with a shake of his head--stupid, of course he wouldn't respond, prisoners leave their names at the gate--and calls out his ID number instead. Von Staden halts his work, removes his cap, snaps to attention. The adjutant gestures--"Follow"--so he does so. He's brought to the showers, told to strip and go in; he starts shaking but obeys, pretty sure he's about to die as he peers up at the shower head which rattles and bangs before something sprays out of it in a blast--he gasps at the shock of cold water, that's all it is, and shoves down his terror and confusion, scrubbing at himself as quickly as he can and chattering like crazy. He exits, is tossed a threadbare towel to dry off with--that's different, usually they just re-dress themselves while still wet--then is given a fresh set of clothes, not his striped ones, but a Luftwaffe uniform. Now he's beyond bewildered--WTF's going on?--yet bites his tongue, you don't ever question the guards, and puts it on. It's his size--but it's too big for him. The adjutant whistles through his teeth at von Staden's emaciated sorry figure but there's nothing to be done for it; he gives von Staden his cap (which he clasps to his chest, not putting it on--you never wear your cap when addressing a guard) and gestures. "Follow."

While this has been happening, the commandant has called the von Staden home and let them know they have von Staden in their custody and will be releasing him immediately--"A dreadful mistake, most dreadful, I can't apologize enough, I assure you some heads will roll for this outrage." He instructs the von Stadens to head to the railway station where they'll soon be reunited with their son. To his immense relief, they don't barrage him with furious questions, instead hanging up promptly to follow his advice. The adjutant arrives with von Staden, who looks utterly pathetic in his baggy uniform, grasps his hand, and pumps it up and down so hard von Staden nearly stumbles. Again apologizes profusely for the "most outrageous oversight, someone will pay, I assure you"--and tells the adjutant to drive him to the railway station. Collapses in his chair with a gusty breath and puts his hands to his face. "What a f**king mess," he moans...then pulls out some official letterhead and starts writing, making haste to ensure this incident is kept as quiet as possible.

Von Staden looks up at the ARBEIT MACHT FREI sign as the SS car drives him out of the gate. Stares glassy eyed out the window as the city rushes by. He hasn't seen the outside world in months. The seasons have changed, the clothing has changed, the newspaper headlines have changed; he feels like he's in a foreign country and can't connect to anything he's seeing. It feels like he's been in the camp for years, yet also like his life was paused while the rest of the world moved on. He's numb and has no idea what to think. They arrive at the railway station and the adjutant helps him exit the car; he looks around, blinking, before noticing someone hesitantly approaching from a small group of people--an older woman, her eyes wide and her hands over her mouth. He just stares at her as she lets out a soft whimpering sound--"Adalard...?" The fuzziness abruptly clears from his head--"Mutter...?" he says faintly. And then her arms are around him and she's hugging him tight--"My boy, my baby boy!"--then his father is there--"My poor son," he says through his tears--and then he sees his sister, Constanze, standing nearby, her lip trembling a little but her face otherwise composed; when his parents let him go she steps forward and hesitates only a second before hugging him. "Welcome home, Adalard," she whispers.

They get on the train. Von Staden stares out the window. Jumps when his mother touches his arm, suggests he take a nap. He tries to doze. They reach the station, get in their car; again he stares out the window, sees the big family estate, the sky overhead. Inside, Frau von Staden fusses over the huge dinner she's having made, all his favorites, he must be starving. Constanze protests: "Mama, don't overdo it! Slow! You don't want to make him sick." Herr von Staden agrees, yet his mother insists. Constanze leads von Staden to his room, suggests he wash up, and she'll fetch him some clothes. He can't bear to use the shower again, so just washes himself at the sink. Puts on his new clothes. Constanze says he can rest again until dinner when she'll come wake him; she pauses, then hugs him again, wordlessly. Von Staden raises his arms, hesitantly hugs her back.

He can't fall asleep, just lies in bed staring at the canopy. Constanze arrives to take him to the dining room. The table is practically groaning with food, all his favorites just as promised; "Mama," Constanze rebukes, "why so much food! I said don't overdo it!" "Look at him, he's skin and bone," Frau von Staden insists, eyes welling up--"How could he not want to eat?" Strangely, von Staden really ISN'T hungry...he thought he would be, considering how painfully little food he received in the camp, yet now that he's presented with this veritable smorgasbord, his empty stomach twists and he has to swallow down his nausea. His mother coaxes him to eat, so he tries. His parents chatter, regular gossip like everything is right in the world; Constanze speaks up only when directly addressed, casting furtive looks at her brother as he gingerly bites at his food. "Go on, Liebe, you've hardly touched anything," Frau von Staden says, and he eats a bit faster. His head starts swimming as his parents and then Constanze begin to quietly argue, Frau von Staden saying they need to accept the SS's apology and move on, Constanze retorting that they're owed far more than that, Herr von Staden asking them both to calm down for Adalard's sake, Constanze reiterating that they're being lied to about something, Frau von Staden insisting you do not question the SS and why would they lie about this anyway, and then von Staden jerks to the side and throws up on the floor.

The other three flinch back in surprise--Constanze stands and comes to his side, while his father exclaims, "Adalard--? Are you all right?" and Frau von Staden calls for the maid. "Apologies," von Staden says as if reciting a script, "I'll clean it up. Apologies," and shakily stands. He always cleaned up his own messes in the camp, or else he'd get a stick across his shoulders. "It's all right!" Frau von Staden exclaims. "It's all right, the maid will clean it up," and "Sit a moment," Constanze murmurs, "you're eating too fast, you have to get used to it--I told you, Mama, I warned you it was too much," and "I'll fetch some ginger ale and crackers," Herr von Staden says, "that should help settle you down," and leaves. "Put them on a tray, bitte," Constanze says, "I'm taking him back to his room. Come on, Adalard," she coaxes, and he allows himself to be led away. Sits with him for a while, rubbing his wrists as he sits and shivers. "You want a hot bath...?" she asks, but he doesn't answer, he doesn't remember how to make a choice for himself. Herr von Staden brings by the tray and Constanze pours her brother a glass of ginger ale; "Here, you at least have to drink," and he manages a few sips. "Try to finish the glass," she says; "don't even think about the crackers right now, unless you want them. I imagine it's going to take you a while to get used to things again." He again apologizes for throwing up; she shakes her head: "Next time it happens, just leave it and call a maid, bitte--she'll clean it up." She moves close, grasps his shoulders so he looks at her. "You don't have to follow orders or be beaten anymore," she says in a firm voice; when he says nothing, she adds, "I know it must've happened. You don't have to worry about it anymore. It's over. You're home." She tells him to get some sleep and she'll fetch him in the morning. On her way out the door von Staden manages a faint "D...danke."

He again sleeps only fitfully. Wakes before dawn, stares confused at the canopy, decides to get up. As soon as he does, however, he collapses with a yelp. Constanze hurries in the door with a lamp in hand as von Staden clings to the bedpost, blinking and gasping. "My legs," he exclaims; "Can you feel them--?" Constanze asks, and he says, "Feel them--ja--but they aren't working. What's wrong with my legs?" She grabs hold of his waist and helps him to a chair, where he sits and rubs at them for a few moments; they positively throb, so he knows paralysis isn't the issue, but he's still confused. Constanze theorizes that exhaustion is catching up with him now that he has the chance to rest: "You were running on fumes," she asserts when he asks why didn't this happen sooner. His brain has normalized pain, so it takes a few moments for him to realize his muscles are cramping; they slowly loosen up and he's able to move his feet and knees; Constanze helps him stand again, and keeps hold of his arm as he takes a few tentative steps around his room. "Why are you awake so early?" she asks; "We always wake before dawn," he says, "or else we're disciplined." And quite belatedly he understands why he was so confused; he'd expected to wake on a cold cramped bunk next to other prisoners, not here. He blinks at his surroundings as the adrenaline wears off.

Constanze urges him to sleep a bit longer, but he doesn't think he can. "I'll draw you a hot bath," she suggests, and once it's done leaves him to sit in the steaming water for a while. It feels good, the best thing he's felt in who knows how long, but he barely notices. He stares mutely across the room and keeps imagining himself breaking rocks. Constanze comes back to wake him a couple of hours later when the water has gone cold, yet sleep and waking feel much the same, every time he shuts his eyes or stops thinking, he's back in the camp. She gives him a towel to wrap around himself, helps him dry off and dress--he's too numb to feel embarrassed--and leads him to breakfast. Frau von Staden meekly offers him dry toast and apple juice. He manages to keep it down.

The next several weeks are a tedious process of slowly getting used to being home. His first weeks in the camp, the prospect had consumed him, was all he could think of; now that he's finally free, he's consumed by thoughts of being back in camp. He's used to routine, to being told what to do; choices make him freeze. When presented with options, he never responds, because he can't remember how; Constanze gently rephrases questions to try to simplify them, then often answers for him after observing his reactions. It's almost like she translates between him and the normal world. He very gradually starts responding to simple choices, though he always adds a hasty mumbled "If possible, bitte, danke," at the end, to counteract the sharp stick-blow he always expects for being so presumptuous. No blows ever come, though; not even angry retorts. Von Staden starts eating a bit more and starts putting on weight. He starts sitting and standing up a bit straighter and making eye contact. His tremor and his repeated apologies fade. He sleeps later and starts choosing things without being asked. He politely responds to conversation again. He never returns to 100%...he's distinctly different from the young free-spirited idealist who flew off on a mission that one day. He remains largely withdrawn and quiet and glassy eyed like the man who visited him in the camp, but his parents seem pleased with the improvement. He supposes that's good enough even if he still isn't sure what to do with himself; he's been placed on indefinite leave from the Luftwaffe, as he's obviously in no shape to go on missions. He spends all his time at home, which normally would agonize him with boredom, yet he's still too numb to be bothered.

And then, one day, as he passes by the parlor he hears soft talking and laughter. Constanze is having a conversation with somebody whose voice he doesn't recognize. He peers into the room to see her sitting on the couch, smiling at a young man who smiles back as he holds her hands. The man is wearing a black uniform; his cap with the little silver skull sits on the table. Von Staden blinks. And instantly, the numbness disappears--rage--pure, consuming, white-hot rage--taking its place. He doesn't imagine the stick slamming down across his shoulders, the automatic ja bitte danke apologies Mein Herr--he imagines wrapping his hands around the officer's neck and squeezing until his eyes go dead. He has to step away from the parlor before he can act, though when he gets back to his room he breaks all of the glass objects on a table and then upends the table itself for good measure--smashes the vanity mirror with his bare hands--then makes himself sit down to take some breaths (after rending apart the pillows that had been on the chair previously), though his fingers dig into his palms hard enough to draw blood and his whole body thrums like a live wire. He thinks about looking for his gun.

Constanze arrives shortly after: "Adalard? I heard glass..." She trails off and stares at the state of his room. "What..." Then looks at him and sees the expression on his face. "Adalard...?" She takes a step toward him, seems hesitant. "What is it? What happened?"

Von Staden: "That man you were with."

Constanze: "Man--?"

Von Staden: "In the parlor. That SS man."

Constanze: "You saw that?"

Von Staden: "How long have you been seeing him?"

Constanze: "That's rather a private matter."

Von Staden: "You bring him in this house, it's not so private anymore."

Constanze: "I wouldn't ask you about it if you brought someone home."

Von Staden: *losing his temper, hissing furiously & clenching his fists* "Do you see me ever bringing anyone home--?" *takes a breath* "I'm never going to bring someone home. Never going to sit and laugh and hold hands and start a family. They took that from me. Do Mutter and Vater know--?"

Constanze: *hesitates* "What does it matter what they know? It's my choice who I see, not theirs."

Von Staden: "'Choice.'" *they stare at each other* "Good to know he lets you have one." *stands up* "I'd like you to go now. While I still have the choice to ask you."

Constanze: "Adalard..."

Von Staden: "Go on. Go away. Bitte."

Constanze: "He isn't one of them, from the camp. He hasn't done anything to you--"

Von Staden: *clenching fists & yelling* "THEY'RE EVEN WORSE! The guards are bad enough but you know what to expect! At least they come at you with clubs! With guns! THESE ones--" *points toward parlor* "THESE ones are the ones who truly ruin lives! Sitting behind desks! Never firing a gun! A rubber stamp and a pen! A rubber stamp and a pen send far more people to the gas than a stick or a gun does. A signature on a paper and a chimney is full of smoke. He doesn't even have to fire one bullet. No trial. Doesn't even need to look his victim in the eye. Sign and stamp. Train. Gas. Oven. Ash. A colored badge only if you're lucky--a slower death. Go ahead...ask him how many lives he's ruined, how many he's killed, sitting behind a desk. Should make for good conversation."

*long silence*

Constanze: *quietly* "You saw all this...?"

Von Staden: "It used to be I did not have to see for you to believe me. But go ahead. Believe what you like. And leave me alone, bitte. We have nothing more to say to each other."

He turns his back, so Constanze leaves. He'd been starting to trust her--he has no one else to talk to, he feels his parents won't understand--but that's shattered in an instant. And the numb haze is gone with it. He no longer drifts aimlessly about the house and stares off into space; he seethes with fury, pacing the halls in a futile effort to burn it off, doing everything he can not to destroy anything he comes across. He doesn't talk to Constanze anymore, except a terse word or two as necessary at the table; their parents are perplexed, sensing the tension simmering between them, yet say nothing about it. He has thoughts of what he'll do if and when he's allowed back into active service; he has dark thoughts, treasonous thoughts, of strafing Allgemeine-SS headquarters rather than engaging in dogfights. Then again, part of him reasons, he's already been punished for being a traitor...why not follow through with the actual crime?

He has no intentions of acting on such thoughts, though they help soothe his spite a little bit. It always flares up again the moment he sees Constanze, who keeps hinting she wants to talk to him, though he does a good job of leaving the room and keeping separate from her. Frau von Staden tries a couple of times to get them to talk but he declines. Oddly, he never sees the SS officer again, though he figures this is just Constanze's effort to get on his good side. He's allowed back to work, though spends most of his time behind a desk--even though he knows now exactly what kind of havoc can be wrought from such a position, he behaves himself. He tracks down and goes to visit Vischer, the man whose actions ended up getting him out of the camp, so he can thank him; there he also meets Captain Altermann, who acted on Vischer's request to free him. He can tell Vischer understands, even if only somewhat, what he's going through, and asks if the anger ever goes away; Vischer replies that it might always be with him, but now he has a choice how to act on it: "They can't take that away from you anymore." On his way out, Altermann asks for a word in private. Von Staden had mentioned that he felt like he owed them a debt; if he means it, then Altermann could use a favor: "I don't have anything in mind just yet, but there might come a time when I need your help." Von Staden readily promises his assistance, any assistance, whenever he should require it; his gratitude to them is such that he doesn't ask any questions. Whatever it is, he'll do it.

Constanze finally attempts to confront her brother one day; he tries to avoid her, not liking to think of what he might do if he gets angry enough, but she follows him to his room. They argue briefly, von Staden again bringing up the SS man, Constanze again seeming to defend him, and again von Staden insists he's as much a part of the problem as any camp guard--"You don't understand, you'll never understand, what that was like, to be punished for something you never did. Or to be punished for absolutely nothing at all!" For, as much as his red badge chafed him...at least it was a charge that made sense. He never really understood why a Jew needed a yellow star or a Zigeuner needed a black triangle when all they'd done was exist. He hasn't consumed all the propaganda the Party puts out, so it never occurred to him to think about it too much, one way or the other; his time in the camp gave him a good look at things. Even with his status as a traitor, he was never treated quite as poorly as the non-Aryans, and he got to see exactly what they were put through, and who most often was sent to the room with the fake showers. Fuming, he turns his back on Constanze--"I thought once that we knew each other, I guess it took being in that hellhole to prove me wrong--now go away--I don't have anything else to say to you"--and retreats to his bed, lying down facing away from her. The room is silent for a moment before he hears footsteps then hears the bed creak--Constanze lies down on the other side of the bed behind him. Von Staden clenches his fists and grinds his teeth hard enough to hurt.

Constanze: *long silence* *quietly* "I don't love him."

Von Staden: *halfhearted snort*

*long silence*

Constanze: "...I hate him, and his, for what they did to you."

Von Staden: *furrows brow* *pauses, then pushes himself up & turns to look at Constanze, who does the same* "What are you talking about...?"

Constanze: "They told us you were still missing. When they came to question us, about your loyalty, about our loyalty to the Reich. They never told us they'd found you. I knew they were lying about something. Knew they wouldn't be asking those questions unless they knew where you were." *pause; swallows, lowers voice* "I didn't know where you were. If I had, I would've yelled it from the rooftops, to get you out of there. But even I didn't think they'd go that far, do something like that to someone like you."

Von Staden: *pause; quieter* "What do you mean?"

Constanze: *moves closer; nearly whispering* "Almost everyone's heard the rumors about those places, what really goes on. Mama knows, but doesn't want to believe. Papa believes, but doesn't want to know. You, you confirmed it. The last time we talked."

Von Staden: "Confirmed what?"

Constanze: "The stories they tell. The trains, the gas, the chimneys. Tell me, were there shower rooms...? Shower rooms that weren't shower rooms. Were there men who carried away the dead and then they disappeared, too...?"

Von Staden: *long silence* *whispering* "How do you know about that...?"

Constanze: "You confirmed all the rest, this is true too, ja? So you've seen it. They tried to make it seem like it's not so bad and like whoever is there, deserves to be there. Yet you! You never deserved to be there, not even by their laws, and that's why they're trying so hard to pretend like it never happened. They're not investigating how you ended up there, they're trying to cover it up. Because they have excuses for everything else but not for this. You, you were there, you know you did nothing to deserve it, and I can tell you know nobody else there deserved it, either. Ja...? I'm right...?"

Von Staden: *silence*

Constanze: "I can tell from the look on your face that I'm right. Before this you didn't have an ounce of hate in your heart. You don't have any for them. You know they belong there just as little as you do." *pause* "I wanted to get information. Information on you at first, though after you came back, still, information on what's happening in those places. I didn't know how. I didn't have any connections, I don't know who I can trust. I thought, maybe if I can get one of them to like me. It's not such a big price to smile and flirt a little, if it helps me find you and helps me find out what's going on."

Von Staden: *blinks* "What--?" *under his breath* "What are you thinking--?? Are you mad? Information? Flirting! You have no idea what these people are capable of--!"

Constanze: "I have EVERY idea! They took you away! When all you did was serve the Fatherland like you promised!"

Von Staden: "This wasn't your place to do! What if they'd suspected? You could have put Mutter and Vater in danger as well as yourself!"

Constanze: "Stop acting like I'm a baby! I'm older than you! You honestly think I don't know how to look after myself--? No one else was doing anything. I thought you MIGHT be a little more grateful!"

Von Staden: "Not if you end up getting yourself caught or killed!"

Constanze: *scoffing* "Bitte! It's not even like I'm all on my own! I have connections now too, you know!"

Von Staden: *confused* "What...?"

The two of them huddling head to head like they once did as children, Constanze finally tells him: She's working with the resistance. They started watching her shortly after she first smiled and batted her eyes at an SS officer and he responded--though she had no idea at first. It was only after they'd parted ways one afternoon at an outdoor cafe and she'd retreated to an alley to smoke a cigarette--hands shaking so much she couldn't strike a match--that they'd tipped her off. She'd jumped a little when somebody offered a lighter--she blinked at the woman holding it out to her, stylish and sophisticated and definitely a product of the city rather than the country. She even wore makeup, something frowned upon by the Reich. Constanze held out her cigarette to let the woman light it for her and took a long drag before the woman said, "Looks like you couldn't bear another moment in his company, Liebe." "That obvious?" Constanze muttered, to which the woman had snapped the lighter shut, paused briefly, then said, "If you insist on going through with this foolishness, perhaps I could give you a few tips, for your brother's sake. That is why you're doing this, ja...?"

The woman works for the Diamond Network, a resistance movement that the SS has declared a terrorist organization. Von Staden has dimly heard of them, but never paid much attention. They've been interested in him, though. While the SS was busy covering things up, the Network was busy trying to dig things up; they know von Staden was briefly in Trench Rat hands before disappearing. Now, here was the SS showing inordinate interest in his family. They'd suspected that von Staden had been found and taken into custody and something about this had triggered an investigation. Like the SS, they have ways to find personal information that the average citizen has no access to, and everything they found pointed toward von Staden being a loyal German citizen. Suspecting a smear campaign and coverup was in progress, they began spying on the von Stadens themselves. Constanze's sudden interest in dating an SS man raised a flag that she was trying to gather information as well; after seeing her obvious distaste, the Network operative currently watching her decided to make a move. Constanze has been effectively recruited by the resistance, and now that von Staden is back home--and very plainly pissed off by his experience--she wants to recruit him, too.

Von Staden is shocked and dismayed to learn of his sister's actions; he worries that she'll end up imprisoned "Or worse," and doesn't think such work is the place of a woman; and even though Constanze retorts that she can handle herself just fine, still, the situation doesn't sit quite right with him. Despite his horrible mistreatment, he still feels loyalty to the Wehrmacht and the Reich; it's the Nazi Party, and the SS specifically, that has sparked his ire. They're all hopelessly intertwined, and while he thinks nothing of messing with the Schutzstaffel, he really doesn't wish to be a traitor or to be removed from his beloved Luftwaffe. Result, it takes a lot of coaxing and convincing on Constanze's part to turn him, and even then he's terribly reluctant to commit. He doesn't want to do anything that directly conflicts with his military duties, or that could endanger his fellow soldiers and airmen. Constanze suggests that, rather than actively fight, he be a messenger or courier. He already has the perfect means to assist them: His airplane. Von Staden is still hesitant, but Constanze slowly brings him around; as a simple go-between, his actions won't directly endanger anyone else, he has no reason to directly interact with the enemy, and although under German law it's still considered treason, "They already consider you a traitor, and they've already punished you for it," she says; "how much worse is this? And remember all those others who never once betrayed our country, who are still in there, and have nobody to fight for them to be freed. If you could help them, would you...? Remember how you felt, waking up every morning with that red badge on your chest, going to sleep with it at night. How easy it was to earn it and how hard to have it removed."

And there, that appeal to von Staden's fury--all that seething, bottomless rage without an outlet--that's what turns him. He accepts his first mission, delivering medical supplies to a group of partisans located in the countryside; he buzzes the treeline in his plane, ejecting several boxes with small parachutes attached, then heads back to his regular route. It takes mere moments, yet he has to take a few deep breaths to steady his rattled nerves as he flies back; he knows all the tricks, how to evade detection and make up for lost time, but his heart is pounding and his throat is dry anyway. He goes about the rest of his duties without a peep. The partisans, meanwhile, are beyond confused at first, for a fighter plane to buzz them before dropping what looks like cargo and then flying away; they cautiously approach the nearest box, gingerly poking at it with their guns, putting their ears to it to listen for any suspicious noises, before finally prying it open. And exclaim with surprise at the contents--bandages, plasters, stitches, antibiotics, alcohol, medicines, vitamins, ointments--they hurry to track down the other boxes (one needs to be pulled down from a tree) and find even more supplies. They'd been informed they would soon get a delivery; they had no idea the Luftwaffe would be bringing it.

It's a few days before the word gets to Constanze of the successful delivery, and she lets von Staden know by giving him a big hug when he returns home for the day; "What is it--?" he exclaims, to which she excitedly replies, "You did it! It got through. I told you you could handle it. You've done excellently, kleiner Bruder!" Von Staden has to sit and have a stiff drink; he'd been wound up the entire time, not knowing if the mission had succeeded, and now that he knows it did, he really needs a rest. "I'm not sure about this," he mumbles, feeling nauseated; Constanze rubs his shoulder and reassures him that he always has the option to back out--"It's your choice, I won't ever hold it against you"--yet she also throws in a small mention of the SS, and sees von Staden's eyes darken and his fingers curl. He swallows down his nausea. A couple of days later he again buzzes partisan territory, this time to drop a parcel of personal communications. They learn to identify his plane so they don't accidentally shoot it down, though they do take a few shots to make things look less suspicious to any observers.

So this is the state of affairs that continues throughout the war: The Diamond Network hands over the necessary items for transport to Constanze, Constanze passes these and the mission info along to her brother, and von Staden delivers the items via an airdrop. After a few missions he instructs his sister to keep him in the dark regarding what exactly he's delivering--"The time and the place is all I need to know." Constanze knows that in the event of him needing to deliver weapons, he'd rather not be involved; so being ignorant of what he's dropping off means the possibility of running more missions. They space out the deliveries and the times to coincide with times and locations when he's expected to be in flight--he never takes his plane out unplanned--so nobody ever thinks to question why he was there or what he was doing. He's skilled at making quick detours when needed, dropping off, and returning to his route with minimal disruption, and the Luftwaffe accepts whatever excuses he comes up with when needed. "Go figure," he grouses to Constanze after she brings him a drink one evening (von Staden's never been a big drinker, yet needs one to settle his rattled nerves after every mission), "when I'd done absolutely nothing they put me in a camp, yet when I'm running enemy missions right under their noses they don't even say a peep!" He never gets comfortable with the thought of what he's doing--it always feels wrong to act subversively against the government--yet his fury toward the SS overrides his unease, and Constanze's encouragement, including rare news about the ways in which his actions may have aided their other victims, keeps him going.

One day, von Staden receives a telephone call at home--it's Captain Altermann, the Wehrmacht official who, along with Vischer, helped launch the investigation that got him out of the camp. "I'm heading out to Herr Vischer's place," he says in a subdued yet urgent tone, "and I have reason to believe we're going to be dealing with some disagreeable Party members." "SS...?" von Staden asks; "Nein, not SS," Altermann clarifies, "which is why I'm a bit reluctant to ask for your help...yet I'm pretty sure they're with the Party else they wouldn't be interested in us. I'm not sure what they plan to do, but Herr Vischer's out there on his own. You said you felt you owe us a debt...? You don't have to come, and I won't hold it over your head. But if you're on board, I could really use an extra hand right now." Von Staden promises to meet him at Vischer's house, though it'll take him a bit to get there; "Drive as fast as you can," Altermann urges, "and don't even bother to knock!--just let yourself in!" Von Staden wishes he could inform Constanze of where he's headed, yet she's gone at the moment, presumably communicating with the Network--the Allies are said to be close to the city, and order is rapidly breaking down, even way out here in the countryside--so he jots down a quick note to her and his parents, grabs his pistol, hurries out to the car, and speeds off.

What happens next is covered here.

Von Staden chafes at the thought of being taken into custody again, yet the situation has obviously taken a turn--Altermann mentions how the SS has attempted to implement martial law in the city, with mixed results, as word reached them of the Allies' approach. Nobody is sure WHICH Allies--it could be the Americans, though the Red Army is more likely--and Altermann and von Staden don't like the thought of what could happen if they fall into Soviet hands. The Trench Rats promise their protection, and Vischer trusts them, so the other two go along. Altermann is badly wounded and requires medical care; von Staden, suffering only minor injuries, accompanies him. Feeling rather listless and extraneous, and wishing to distract himself from his worries about Constanze, he gestures at the nurse and summons up what limited English he knows: "Have medical...training? Ein bisschen...small medical training. Ich würde gerne helfen...helfen...help? Would like to help. Bitte." The nurse, obviously frazzled, admits they could use the assistance; she uncuffs von Staden from his bed and says, "Scrub in...you know what that means, yes...?" "'Scrub in,'" von Staden echoes; then, "Ja," and he hurries to the sinks. He spends the rest of the evening helping Nurse Skye tend to the various injured Rats and partisans who pass through the ward; it's hectic, bloody work, yet he handles it like a pro, without complaint, and the process moves along much quicker than it otherwise would.

Not long after, a Trench Rat enters and asks his name; upon being told, he says another von Staden, a young woman, has been taken into custody along with a group of resistance members; "Constanze--?" von Staden exclaims; "May see?--bitte?--is Schwester. Ich vermisse sie so sehr!" Constanze is accordingly brought to the medical ward where brother and sister throw their arms around each other and kiss each other's forehead, exclaiming aloud. ("This is the one with the plane--?" another resistance member who's been brought in to have his wounds tended to asks one of the Rats; "Ein Verrückter! You never saw such a thing.") Constanze explains how she had to take shelter with the others as it was too unsafe to head out on her own; they were found by the Trench Rats and brought to Headquarters to make sure no Nazis were hiding among them. "This man then comes and says, 'Your name is von Staden? I believe we have a von Staden here already, in the medical ward.' I was so afraid! Afraid you were hurt, or worse! And it turns out you're helping stitch up everyone else's wounds--of course!" Von Staden rebukes her for endangering herself by taking shelter with the resistance, to which she retorts, "Take a look at you, you're a prisoner of war! Again!" Which he really can't deny. She unfortunately has no idea where their parents are; they'd been in the city, and now they're missing: "We're going to have to find them." "We have each other till then," von Staden says, and though the Rats cuff him back to his bed ("It's not so bad," he reassures his sister when she bristles at this), Constanze is allowed to stay with him, while Altermann and Vischer doze nearby.

They remain with the Rats for a while; von Staden eventually has his cuff removed, once more details are provided regarding his role in Vischer ending up among them (Vischer had aided the Trench Rats himself), and when it becomes clear he won't be returning to the Luftwaffe. The von Stadens and Altermann listen as the new Trench Rat sergeant, Gold, fills them in on the situation (Altermann translating for the other two): "The Reich has fallen," Altermann says, subdued; "the city is under Allied control and der Führer has taken his own life. Soon there will be no Wehrmacht for us to return to." He asks Gold about the von Stadens' parents, but Gold has no answers; he does provide a detail that seems to give Altermann a bit of hope, and he turns to the other two. "He says it was the Americans who took the city--Gott sei Dank! I dread to think if it had been the Red Army. Your parents stand a chance, at least. Hold up your heads and hold hope you'll find them well, I'll hope along with you."

American military officials arrive to question Altermann and von Staden. Constanze again flares with indignation--"My brother is not a Nazi!"--but oddly, for once he's the one to try to calm her down: "They're doing their job, better to ask me some questions than to let a criminal go. I can handle it, I've handled worse." Frankly, by now he's just exhausted and is running on fumes again. The army officials don't trust Altermann to do the translation, so someone else is brought over to handle it: Doomsday Rat. Von Staden perks up a little on seeing him again, though he refrains from pestering him with questions. D-Day translates the military official's questions and von Staden's answers; it soon becomes clear they're concerned about his loyalty to the Reich. Von Staden tries hard to hold his temper as he replies, "I am and will always be devoted to the Fatherland, mein Heimatland, until the day I die. As for the Nazis, I spit on them. The two are not the same. I don't know how I can explain to an American." "I understand Heimatland," D-Day says, "I'll explain," and he does so. The military officials seem skeptical, yet some further comments from him, Altermann and Vischer, and others in the hospital ward soon appear to convince them that the von Stadens have no direct ties to the Nazis. The resistance member who had called von Staden a madman appeals to them especially, describing how he'd delivered supplies with his fighter plane. "That was this guy...?" the official asks D-Day; turns out stories about von Staden's exploits had even reached past enemy lines. They tell the von Stadens not to go far for the time being, but they're effectively cleared and free to leave. Von Staden offers his hand to D-Day.

Von Staden: "You've been far more civil to me than is warranted, Herr Doomsday. Danke sehr."

D-Day: *shakes his hand* "Just D-Day, please."

Von Staden: *slowly, with an American pronunciation* "'Dee Day.' This has a meaning...? Personally?"

D-Day: "Not so much a personal meaning, no. I just prefer it over Doomsday."

Von Staden: "Do you mind me asking why...?"

D-Day: *pause* "Doomsday's the name of something that hurt countless people. People who didn't deserve such pain. I'll always be connected to it, but I'd like to keep as much distance as I can." *pause* "I'm not sure if I can explain it properly."

Von Staden: "Nein...you've explained it perfectly. I apologize, Herr D-Day."

Altermann and Vischer wish the von Stadens farewell--"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine," Altermann reassures them, though von Staden makes sure to appeal to the Americans on his behalf--and the two head back home. They wander the empty house (all the staff have been dismissed) disconsolately. "I hope they're all right," Constanze murmurs, "wherever they are." "We should try to stay in touch with those Rats," von Staden muses, "in case they find anything out." He disappears upstairs for a while--Constanze can hear him banging around in the attic--before bringing something back downstairs: A portable radiotelegraph machine. "Maybe this will be more useful than a telephone," he suggests as he checks it over and then sets about getting it up and working. Constanze is skeptical, especially when no one answers the first tentative messages he sends out, yet leaves him to it as she prepares them something to eat. They sit in the dim parlor and eat their simple dinner in silence, contemplating this strange new world they've been thrust into.

After a few days of sending messages, von Staden receives a reply. Constanze hovers nearby as he hurriedly transcribes. Someone claiming to be a former member of the Wehrmacht tells him that many German citizens from the city have been detained by the Allied forces to try to root out any Nazis--apparently, some members of the SS tried to escape detection by blending in with the local population. The von Stadens were almost certainly caught up in the sweep, as the person on the other end says he heard von Staden's earlier messages and checked with what sources he could get to respond; it's not 100% certain if they're still there, but he's fairly certain someone with that name was listed among the detainees. If they can get into the city, they might find their parents. Von Staden asks the name of who he's corresponding with and is told simply ADEL. Adel, whoever he is, wishes him luck.

Von Staden and Constanze head to the city. They're faced with multiple questions, checkpoints, and language barriers; von Staden repeats his name and "Mutter" and "Vater" multiple times in hopes of being understood. The Americans finally seem to get the point, but as an interpreter tells it when he arrives, they aren't sure that they can help; they can't confirm von Staden's identity, and the two of them forgot to bring their papers. Frustrated, von Staden starts to lose his temper and argue with them as Constanze tries to convince him to calm down and they'll just return home to fetch their IDs; "It took us over an hour to get here!" von Staden fumes, "After everything else I'm hardly leaving without even finding out if they're here or not!" His ire just grows and the situation starts looking ugly until somebody passes a message to the interpreter, who passes it on to the officer von Staden is arguing with. He nods, and the messenger departs. The interpreter tells von Staden that somebody showed up to vouch for him. Confused, von Staden asks who; someone named Herr Adel, the interpreter replies. "He knows you...?" Constanze asks; "I don't know how, I've never met any Herr Adel aside from on the radio!" von Staden replies, bewildered.

The messenger returns with Herr Adel and von Staden blinks, for he DOES know him after all--it's Ratdog, the sniper who confronted him in the woods after his escape from the Trench Rats so long ago. His real name is Adel and he's a Junker, same as von Staden. "Figured they might give you trouble," he says when von Staden asks why he's there, "nobody knows who anybody is right now." He himself is relatively well known, as he'd aided the Trench Rats himself toward the end, and has offered his assistance getting people in touch with each other. He confirms von Staden's identity, confirms that he's been cleared of Nazi ties, and gets them in to find their parents. Herr and Frau von Staden are being kept in a cell with some others; Frau von Staden jumps to her feet--"Constanze! My Constanze!"--and hugs Constanze through the bars when she appears, crying, "Mama--! Papa!" Herr von Staden joins them before Frau von Staden exclaims, "Adalard--!" and reaches her arms out to her son, who's standing back. "Mutter...?" he murmurs, hesitantly stepping forward; she grips his arm and pulls him close. "Vater," he says, and a moment later all four of them are embracing and crying.

There's a bit of hassle trying to get the Americans to release the von Stadens--von Staden refuses to leave and insists he'll stay outside the cell as long as he has to, memories of his own imprisonment making him obstinate--it takes Herr Adel losing his own temper and taking it out on the officer to convince them to let the von Stadens out. By this point the Americans are just glad to be rid of them. Von Staden thanks Herr Adel profusely for his help; "Try to stay out of trouble," Adel says, "I can't always be waiting by my radio to bail you out," and the von Staden family finally heads back home.

They remain for a while, though things are subtly different. The news comes that the territory they live in will be turned over to the Soviet Union; although they have enough connections that they're likely to remain safe, still, "I'm not sure we should take the risk," Herr von Staden explains, having called them all together to discuss the situation. He admits that he's been stashing away foreign money--he started doing so following von Staden's release from the camp: "I knew they were lying to us about something. If they could do that to you, they could do it to anyone. I figured it would be best to plan as if they'll come for the rest of us any day." He leads them into the cellar, digs out a box, and shows them the money. Constanze and von Staden gape. Frau von Staden says sheepishly, "I suppose this is as good a time as ever," and she goes to another part of the cellar and digs out an envelope--within are some foreign bills. The siblings both exclaim in surprise at what their parents have been up to. Herr von Staden says he's been asking around and is pretty sure he'll be able to secure them a residence in the west of Germany, should they head out soon; they'll be guaranteed safe passage. He feels they'll be safer there rather than dealing with the Soviets, who've dealt quite harshly so far with the German citizens they've encountered. He doesn't want to take them away from there, however, without making sure they're all on the same page--that means especially von Staden.

Herr von Staden: "I know you feel safest here, at home, and I wouldn't take that away from you. If you want to stay, then we can stay. The one thing is I doubt they'll take you back into the army, should they rebuild it. You'll have the option to serve again in the west, it's only that the west isn't our home. I leave the choice to you."

Von Staden: *pause* "Honestly...I'm tired. I don't think there's a place for me anymore in the military. I just want us all to be safe. We can do that in the west."

Frau von Staden: "Are you sure, Adalard? We'll have to leave behind our home and start over."

Von Staden: "I'm used to starting over. As long as we're in Germany, we're home."

The von Stadens settle it; they'll pack up their most important belongings, and travel west. Von Staden makes sure to let Vischer know he'd like to remain in touch--the older veteran has helped him immensely in dealing with his anger--before telling him, Altermann, and the Trench Rats goodbye. He does hesitate briefly when the train arrives at the station, though Constanze takes his hand, and he takes a breath. The family boards and they take their seats; von Staden peers out the window as the train slowly pulls ahead, and watches as his old life is again left behind. After a while, his hand still tightly clasped in Constanze's, he falls asleep.

[Adalard von Staden 2023 [‎Friday, ‎September ‎15, ‎2023, ‏‎3:00:11 AM]]

[Adalard von Staden 2023 2 [‎Friday, ‎September ‎15, ‎2023, ‏‎3:00:24 AM]]

[Adalard von Staden 2023 3 [‎Friday, ‎September ‎15, ‎2023, ‏‎3:00:37 AM]]

[swordduels]

Circe watched him as he was scrubbed clean from her lipstick. Annoyingly enough he had used his ability to wipe away her red mark as well as the pain that followed. A cowardly attempt to hide his violence.

How predictable of him.

He already viewed them as married despite the lack of ceremony or consent. There wasn't even a proposal in motion unless she counted his constant nagging that had kept going for many years. "Is that's so? I wasn't aware I gave you permission though." She had never known exactly how he stole hearts or what was needed to make it happen so this could potentially be a clue as to how it worked. If he was honest with her and not spitting lies again. It was what he usually did.

So far Circe had managed to slip out of his grip but things had changed. Regulus held on to her heart and was very eager to wed her. She had to stall again. Find a way to keep the chase going for some time. Destract him and make it a little bit complicated. Make him excited to prolong this little game.

A distraction...

Regulus loved games. To chase things as long as there was a possibility to win. A fair game with clear rules. She was still trying to work out every detail while selling her suggestion. Her gaze focused solely on him as he looked at her. Lips partly opened up for a smile when he asked her about the game. "Before I explain I have one demand, no violence. If you or anyone in your kingdom hurt me there'll be no game." She better make sure he won't rip a hole in her chest for what she was going to say.

"It'll be a game to win my heart. What you have now is my physical heart but I don't love you. I never fancied men and don't find you attractive at all. I'm not one of your virgin wives either so I'm less likely to swoon easily. You already know all of this so please hold back any complaints."

She swallowed while preparing for the next part.

"The thought is that we'll learn to know each other through activities, romantic gestures and conversations for some time. Maybe a month from now? We take turn in planning an activity that might be fun for two people. After each activity we grade it with a number from one to ten where one is the lowest and ten is the highest score. If you can make me fall in love you'll have a happier bride that goes willingly to the altar and I get you as my husband. You'll have three wishes granted as well."

Circe tilted her head to the side while waiting for her words to sink in.

"But if you fail there'll be no marriage and I'll have three wishes granted." She wasn't sure if he would be willing to drop the marriage but there has to be something that makes the game interesting and fair for both of them. They could probably come to another conclusion if he wasn't fully satisfied. But he should be pleased to know her heart would still be in his grip. Circe had a feeling he would never give it back no matter the situation.

"Additional rules are, no magic tricks, no ability usage and no violence, by anyone, towards me or you during the game."

"Regarding my wishes if I win, no violence will be done towards me by you or anyone in your kingdom. My second request is to move freely inside or outside your kingdom without being prosecuted. For my final wish I never want to be asked for your hand in marriage again." It should cover most bases without giving him wiggle room to destroy her life. It was tempting to add another request of being free to choose lovers but she had a feeling it would end up with her being killed on the spot.

"All bets are off if the rules are broken."

@fallesto

Could she not see that this was his world and all she was doing was living within it and nothing more than that, he held all the power within his hands, all of it. There was nothing that he cannot do and when it all comes down to it within the end, the simple truth was as follows, he will always gain what he wants, always, there was nothing that anyone can say or do against him to stop him, to even try such a thing was a complete and utter waste of time on every single possible level, to the point that it was almost said to watch anyone struggle.

“For now, you speak as if you are so sure of yourself?”

He hummed out with such evil delight, what was she going to do then, what more could she do, the tricks she had, they all failed, everything she has done, has merely backfired on her as well, can she not see it for herself, he had all the power, and she had not a single droplet, he could find her, always for her heart was his and his alone, meaning that there was nowhere she could go within this kingdom and within the world, no magic she could use, no blessing, not a single thing would work.

His power was above all others.

He had the authority,  the complete and utter authority that stands taller and stronger than all the others that would be combined together, and if they did that, it would not even reach his knee, he was endless, he was timeless, he was the most devoted, the most loyal, the most deserving, he was perfect in each and in every single possible way that there was, everything he did was right and no one else had the right to ever speak back against him, such a thing was wrong to do such a thing to someone so perfect.

“When I first saw you, how my heart fluttered, how I felt almost light headed, how I knew within this dark and horrid world, you where someone unique, someone special, a light that was almost blown out and removed from me, but no more, because now that I have found you, each beat of your heart, it sings to me, it powers me, it is part of me and there is nothing you can do, my authority is above all others, you may try if you wish, go ahead if it will give you something to do with your time, but before long you will see that everything you do is hopeless.”

As he stood there for the moment as she would kiss him, and his hand was brought up to slap her right across the face, with such power to knock her right onto the ground, as one of his wives would rush towards him, cloth within her hand, cleaning his lips for him and his face, how dare she touch him, how dare she come near him, how dare she believe she had the right to violate the space between them both and place her lips on him, that now everything he wished for to be truly perfect, she had almost ruined it as he breathed out.

“Say whatever you wish, but know this, you live now only to serve me, you van fight me, shout at me, do as you wish, but I kill my enemies when they annoy me, but for my wives, I keep them alive, you will live here within my kingdom, happy or in pain you will never be able to stop, it is up to you in how you wish for your life to be, but touch me again and speak down to me again, I will remind you, that all you are, is my wife and a wife serves there husband, in every single thing, in silence and in respect, you will obey me.”

[anfie-in-the-box]

You didn't expect another gift today, did you? Well, have it nonetheless, surprise-surprise!

An official X-tra Dark Cream playlist! It's mostly done, although there is always a possibility I'd add another song or two later whenever I find something fitting. Also feel free to suggest your songs as the story progresses! I know right now there's not much to base off of, but there'll be more eventually and I'll be happy to hear you out!

What's more is that you get my ramblings about why I chose every song, songs order and all these details! See further!

。。。

Mess of Me by Citizen Soldier is a pre-Dark Cream song about Dream's state before eating the black apple.

I breathe in, I breathe out, so sick of holding it down, when no one sees this mess of me. It's okay, I'm alright, even though I'm dying inside. I'm never free of this mess of me, this mess of me, no, I'm never free.

。。。

Villain by K/Da (Male cover) is Dark Cream (before Never be the same again) song. Dream is easily turning into a villain of his own story; perhaps too easily. Cross tries to save the one he loves, but the curse is stronger... Or is it?

I'm alive, but I'm dead. Hear my voice up in your head, watch it fill you full of dread, 'til you go pow! Is it really a surprise if I'm playing with your mind? And I treat you like prize, then I throw you to the side? And am I really that bad if l love to make you mad? And get happy when you're sad.

。。。

My Demons by Starset is Dark Cream (after Never be the same again) song. You might think it's obviously about Dream and Cross, but that's not all. It's about the twins as well. Dream's finally himself once again, not allowing the curse to spread. But it can't last forever.

I cannot stop this sickness taking over, it takes control and drags me into nowhere. I need your help, I can't fight this forever. I know you're watching, I can feel you out there.

。。。

Divide by Bastille is the song of the first chapter of Turns, twists, and paradoxes. It's a love song, but does this love have to be romantic? I don't think so. It's a song about the reunion and the parting of two brothers. About Dream's reluctance to let Nightmare go, about his wish to hold him forever, now that they're finally, miraculously together.

In these darker days I push the limits to the love you offer. There's a riot in my head demanding we do this forever. Why would we divide when we could come together? Just bodies that collide, lost and found each other. So don't, don't leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone. Why would we divide when we could come together?

。。。

Demons by Alex Goot is about Dream and his relationship with Cross. Dream's unsure how to proceed and if he's even still himself — was it truly him who hurt Cross so much during the events of Dark Cream? Cruelty is against his nature, yet now he has to be cruel. He's yet to find his new self.

When I speak I cross my fingers. Will you know you've been deceived? I find a need to be the demon — a demon cannot be hurt.

。。。

A Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay is about Cross and his relationship with Dream. He is Cross' light despite the curse, despite everything. Cross sees the light in Dream even when Dream himself cannot see it.

Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars, I'm gonna give you my heart. 'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars, 'cause you light up the path. I don't care, go on and tear me apart. I don't care if you do, ooh-ooh, ooh. 'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars I think I saw you.

。。。

Different Songs by Set It Off is about Dream and Nightmare and is a direct opposite of the Divide before. They're twins who just reunited, but there're also hundreds of years of separation and animosity to death. A lot changed. They're not who they used to be, and although it's obvious, it's also a shock.

Face to face, so far apart — we're worlds away from what we were before, before, before... We started singing different songs, forgetting how to sing along together.

。。。

Echoes of You by Marianas Trench is once again about Dream and Nightmare and is a nod to Different Songs. Did you already notice how I turn love songs into familial ones? Get used to it, because I'd lie if I said there isn't more. Dream's haunted by memories of his brother and the way Nightmare is now.

You know I tried to make it vanish, I just want to make it vanish, but the notes of an old mistake still ring louder every day — from a, from a little to a manic, a cacophony, a frantic, a relentless refrain is the only thing that remains.

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The Killing Kind by Marianas Trench is finally about Cross and Dream. There's a nod to Dark Cream comic, where Cross says, "I was tired and racked with guilt... and I took it out on you. But I didn't notice... you were on edge." It's a song of pressure and not knowing what's next, what's best, who they are themselves and to each other. Should they even stay together, or is this the end? It's a song-way, a song-process.

What if I was wrong by never moving on and didn't realise who's gone. The ghost in me was true but you were haunted too, just didn't see it all along.

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Down With The Fallen by Starset is Dream's first step in acceptance of his new self and Cross' loyalty and support after all the uncertainty of The Killing Kind.

Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way, and I'll follow where you go. Can you tell me what is real? 'cause I lost my way again. Can you tell me how to feel? 'cause I don't feel anything, now that I'm down here again. I'm down with the fallen again... I will not run, I will not fall, I will not bury it... This is war!

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Survive by Lacuna Coil is a further exploration of Dream's relationship with himself, the curse he took, and the world around him.

The voice inside of me that keeps on teasing, as sweet as like a whisper from the lips of pain. And so many steps that I can't make, I can't take the chance, release the brake, and the breath just keeps on getting away. Am I dreaming it all? I will never be afraid. I'll survive in this nothing, leading nowhere. I survive, feeling strong for how much longer? I'll survive in this nothing, leading nowhere. I survive, survive.

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Killer In The Mirror by Set It Off is about Dream's inner darkness and the way the curse stirs and strengthens it.

Tell me that I'm cut-throat; I think you got your eyes closed. Feel the fear and swallow back the tears, let weakness disappear. There's nobody but me here — the killer in the mirror.

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Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift (Alex Goot cover) is the song that started it all and gave me the idea of X-tra Dark Cream. Dream and Cross fully take their new roles of the Multiverse villains, angry at the unfair world. It's the whole world whose name is red underlined.

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time, honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time, I've got a list of names and yours is red underlined — I check it once, then I check it twice... Oh, look what you made me do!

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Us Against The World by Westlife is about Dream and Nightmare and is, once again, an opposite of both Divide and Different Songs. The twins finally, inevitably find their way.

There'll be days we'll be on different sides, but that doesn't last too long. We find ways to get it on track, we know how to turn back on.

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The Death of Me by Marianas Trench is the Nightmare towards Killer's song. There's a complicated relationship between the two of them, not quite subordination anymore and not quite love yet, but something. And Nightmare doesn't know what to do with it.

What was simple, now there's questions, the kind that I don't look my best in, and the ghost of me will keep us far apart. And you know you don't deserve this, and I don't know how to word this, but — before you go, before you go I just wanted you to know that I would, that I would, I would love you if I could, but my unsteady heart's not ready, and you would only get what's left of me. Only this, only this is gonna be the death of me.

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I Bet My Life is the Nightmare towards Ccino's song. There's also a very complicated and abusive past between them, and Nightmare's unsure how to proceed now that he's not under the influence of negativity. But when Nightmare chose to seek sanctuary in Ccino after Dream took the curse from him, it meant something.

I've been around the world and never in my wildest dreams would I come running home to you. I've told a million lies but now I tell a single truth — there's you in everything I do. Now remember when I told you that's the last you'll see of me, remember when I broke you down to tears? I know I took the path that you would never want for me, I gave you hell through all the years. So I, I bet my life, I bet my life, I bet my life for you.

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Landslide by Oh Wonder is the Ccino towards Killer's song. Calm and quiet but powerful songs fit Ccino very well, and this one's perfect for his relationship with Killer. Killer's lost now he's not a servant of his king, and Ccino is there for him.

I know it hurts sometimes, but you'll get over it, you'll find another life to live, I know you'll get over it. I know you're sad and tired, you've got nothing left to give, but you'll find another life to live, I know you'll get over it.

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Warrior by Beth Crowley is the Ccino towards Nightmare's song. Ccino loved Nightmare at his worst, and definitely still loves him now that the curse is gone.

I kept on pushing through, standing resolute which you in equal measure loved and hated. You take me by the hand, I'm seeing who I am. Teach me how to fight, I'll show you how to win. You're my mortal flaw, and I'm your fatal sin. Let me feel the sting, the pain, the burn under my skin. Put me to the test, I'll prove that I'm strong. Won't let myself believe that what we feel is wrong. I finally see what you knew was inside me all along — that behind this soft exterior lies a warrior.

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Polaroid by Imagine Dragons is the Killer towards Nightmare's song. Killer already offered his love, but it were other feelings that got accepted. He's not trying again.

I'm a hold my cards close, I'm a wreck what I love most, I'm a first class let down, I'm a shut up sit down. I am a head case, I am the color of boom that's never arriving, at you are the pay raise, always a touch out of view, and I am the color of boom. All my life I've been living in the fast lane, can't slow down, I'm a rollin' freight train. One more time gotta start all over, can't slow down, I'm a lone red rover. Oh, how did it come to this? Oh, love is a polaroid — better in picture, but never can fill the void.

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Stitch Me Up by Set It Off is the Killer towards Ccino's song. Killer's still not ready to offer his feelings, but...

No, it's no wonder I feel broken. Are you the one to fix me up, patching up the work they done? Try and sew me. So thread the needle, tie it off, teach me how to trust someone. Really hoping that you stay, that you never walk away. Every word I shouldn't say, I shouldn't say, I shouldn't say it. Do you feel the stress in me, steady bursting at the seams? You're the only one I need to make me complete, yeah! Stitch me up, stitch me up, don't tear me apart. I've been stuck in the rut, patched up in the dark. Stitch me up, stitch me up, there's pins in my heart, oh! Pardon all my precious scars.

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Stand By You by Rachel Platten (cover by Megan Nicole, Alex Goot) is Cross and Dream's song. It's Cross' devotion and Dream's trust.

I'll be your eyes 'til yours can shine, and I'll be your arms, I'll be your steady satellite. And when you can't rise, well, I'll crawl with you on hands and knees 'cause I, I'm gonna stand by you, even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through. Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you. Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you.

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С тобой ничего не случится by Немного Нервно, the only Russian song in the playlist yet very important one since it wraps up the whole thing. It translates as Nothing will happen to you. It's a song about all five of the main protagonists and the way they stick together through everything.

And the cities on the horizon go round in fiery dancing, and not saying goodbye for the last time — come back to me. I love you, so nothing is going to happen to you. I love you, so nothing is going to happen to you. Here is my wing — it will be your protection. I love you, so nothing is going to happen to you.

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And that is it! Hope you enjoyed my birthday gifts for everyone. Thank you for reading, and stay tuned for more!

Take care 🌻