#i keep going ''shame shouldnt stop u'' but judgement hurts a lot more than anything (to me at least) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

decodervon · 5 years ago

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disregard the last post.

i made that with a lot of anger and frustration. weve talked a lot since then and I'm... not that angry anymore. I probably shouldn't even be talking with you, but i hate how much it helped.

i hate curiosity. i always scolded you and warned you about looking for things you might not want to find and i did it. i found something i didn't want to find.

i found out you were casually dating again.

and of course you are. i mean. we "broke up" in September. it's been months. theres no reason to feel shameful or bad. I cant fault you and I cant be mad at you. and I'm still mad about some stuff, but that's not one of them.

this one hurts though. i knew i would feel like this, but i hate how much my mind keeps REMINDING ME. I'll be trying to sleep and my mind is like, "u kno she seeing someone right. they prolly banging. its prolly way better then ur tired ass sex. doesnt have to say weird fetish shit." and its LIKE. OK. I GET IT. STOP. STOP REPEATING OVER AND OVER. DONT WAKE ME UP TO REMIND ME.

i heard about it after I went snooping about your party. people said their was distinct body language and he seems to have a very outgoing personality and seemed really nice. it sounds like exactly what you need and IT KILLS ME.

I HATE I went snooping. OF COURSE this is what i get. we've talked since then and i know you feel confused and scared. best thing I could actually do for you is leave you alone and let you have a real chance at it. maybe it's a rebound. but so were we. my evil, manipulative side knows that you still feel emotionally connected to me due to calling me about Vday stuff. my pragmatic side wants to sort out a deal where i exchange emotional support for physical intimacy because I know we both want those things and know the other can give them. i can listen and talk and care about your problems and you could do whatever weird, gross, aggressive sexual stuff and not judge me (I think.) but my less evil/neutral sides know that that would throw a wrench in both our things and the best thing I can do is stay away.

that being said... I dont want to. it's like doing coke or something. like yeah, it's bad. but like. if no one knows... then maybe it's not THAT bad. like it would detrimental to us if we got together and we argued and fought. that would be unhealthy. but just... secreting away and being physical and keeping it hot and fast.. ugh. I mean. its sorta like all those fantasies you helped me with. except we wouldn't be pretending.

ugh. prolly makes me a horrible person. prolly makes US. I know you kind of want to do the same thing. I tried to cool suggest it, but you're probably conflicted about it too. I want you to just... show up late one night. some random text at like... 11pm being like, "I'm outside. should I leave?" and then I mull it over and invite you in quietly. you're wearing something impossibly hot like you do. we hug and I can tell you want to feel my body because it's been so long. we go back to my room and talk awkwardly for a few minutes. we both mention how you shouldnt be here sheepishly while ignoring the fact neither of us are protesting it very hard. you slide off your coat, looking me in the eye the whole time. that longing, sad look. that look that makes it impossible not to kiss you. I pull away after a minute and say, "this is wrong. we shouldnt be doing this." and you lean in close to my ear and whisper "hes not you." and I instinctually press my body against yours. you nuzzle into my neck as you slide your hands under my shirt, around my waist and up my back. I put my hands on your waist and take a deep breath of the smell of your hair. I say, "i dont want to hurt anyone" you said "I dont care." or more likely "no one has to know"... we appreciate each others bodies like we always should have. I go over every inch of you, knowing I might not see it again. you go over those inches of me like they're an old friend you're excited to see. you say all the terrible things I want you to say and I hurt you like you liked to be hurt. we go on for an hour. i want you to stay but i cant ask. my willpower drained with my stress. you fix yourself and disappear like an uninvited vampire. i cry. a lot. i hold myself and wish it was you. the lifetime of memories creeping back onto me. I hate myself for what I've done, but desperately try and inhale your fading scent still lingering in my bed.

ugh. I'm probably gonna end up writing something hot and complete after sharing that. I hate that I want that so bad. but I shouldnt. I have more to lose in this than you do.

you would hate me if you knew what I had been up to since. one of the other reasons I cant judge you for moving on. I've talked and reached out to many people you arent a fan of. not to spite you, but because those people knew me in intimate ways I can trust. I gained insight from talking to them and meeting with them. but that's not what I'm referring to.

im... also.. casually dating someone. it's still all pretty fledgling, as I am WAY too delicate to dedicate myself to anyone. but its... it's someone you know. some things had been happening that neither of us knew about.. and I dont want to tell you because I feel like I'd be cursing you with the same curse that I have. imaging you with that person, not being able to stop... but I know the curiosity is almost as killer for you. its.. a hard thing to figure out morally. but I dont want to jeopardize it. its... it's a once in a lifetime chance. they care about me.. legitimately. and probably more than they should with how emotionally volatile I am right now. but they dont really know how.. I am. part of me is a sweet, great guy. but another part of me is the type to want to have that night I wrote about. a secret trust where we exhaust each other physical and say all the sick things we want, knowing that the other wont judge them. (hell, anything is better than arguing)

I want to be physically wanted... but I want to be wanted by you. I loved when you would love my body. cause like... in my head, when people say things about loving me, I always diffuse it "oh she just thinks she loves me like that" "oh shes convinced herself she likes that about me" "oh she thinks that's cute now, but give it time..." and its just... innate to my awful self esteem. but body stuff? making out with me? going down on me? holding, examining and loving.. parts of me? it feels so much... truer to me. like someone couldnt lie about that. I know thats... naive to think. but that's how it feels. no one who doesnt like you is gonna put their dick in their mouth. bottom line. or go along with your fantasies that you yourself think are strange to be attracted to. i wanted you to want me so bad. i wanted you to love my body and tell me youd been thinking about it. it's such a direct link to my heart.. ugh. but that.. stuff got all messed up. I think that's what made me fall in love in the first year. you cherished my body. you worshipped it. you wanted to sherk your duties to have more of it and I was totally enthralled. that first year made me stay for so long and through so much. always chasing that high. that time where my body was all you wanted and all i wanted was your heart. and it all got so... nevermind.

the person I'm dating.. we're talking it very slow. ive.. kissed her. in fact, your vday call interrupted that kiss. can you believe that timing? thanks universe. if you're trying to say we should get back together, maybe dont kill a beautiful innocent cat next time. I was mad you wanted me to support you through death.. after you abandoned me when I needed your support so bad. I'm still kinda mad. but whatever. this isnt a mad post.

i.. its. shes.. she lets me talk about you. she knows you. maybe better than I did. its hard.. shes not experienced with.. our type of relationship so much. I try not to put much on her. for the reasons of not wanting to overburden her and to keep from forming an instant bond. I know I still have these raw, visceral feelings for you and I dont want to hurt someone I care about because of them. I dont know how you know your new guy, but my guess is: not very well. maybe it's a tinder date. maybe it's a friend of a friend. but if I had to make an educated guess, it's someone far removed who is just.. treating you well. like how you want to be treated. kind of a nobody, but that's a good thing. like if things kept being nice, cool. if they didnt work, whatever. something noncommittal. something lowkey. something you didnt have to /worry/ about. which is all... smart. but I also know that if you felt like you wanted to drive that shit into a wall, you wouldnt lose a lot of sleep over it. and you considering the tryst.. well. yeah. speaks to that effect. i... I wonder if I should have even suggested its because I can't drive my thing into a wall. its... I cant. youd understand if you knew.

theres probably only one person in your mind you would legitimately fear me dating if you sat down and thought about it. someone that wasn't just someone you didnt want me dating. not like Kayla or Grace where it would just... bug you. I mean deeper. someone that you couldnt wrest me away from. someone that your charms would fall flat because of. I'm talking Caitlyn levels of dedicated affection. and as I said, I dont want to jump in. I know how easily i fall in love. I'm taking this slow. developing a foundation. trying to figure myself. wanting someone to treat me well and watch anime and cartoons with while being warm and laughing. someone to affectionately take care of me. someone who wanted to spend time with me.. someone who's house i could come over to in the daylight.. someone who's friends were excited for her and not judgemental of her..

I get why you're dating. I'm doing the same thing for the same reasons. i need this. you need this. i wanted you to treat me these ways but i couldnt keep.. telling you how to treat me after so many years. you could write a book on me. I STILL know how to take care of you and I mostly figured it out after years. I wanted to see you try and figure me out. you didnt have to be right. I just wanted you to try. I left a breadcrumb on my IG for this story, but I never know when or if you'll ever read these. I always want to hear your feelings too. I wish you wrote like this. I wish I had a direct line to your thoughts like back in the day when you wrote. it always helped. I still check your tumblr from time to time. like the idiot I am.

ugh. like the absolute idiot I am.

(ps. I watch that last video we made like every day.)

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