#i just wanted jwds to adopt a cat i dk what happened to have 4 chapters of whatever we call this :')

[arek-ian]

“When Spring Comes”

Chapter 1 "Ask Yourself for me":

Big eyes were observing him, hovering above, maybe beside him, could be anywhere! he feels them everywhere piercing through his scalp, yet Juwoon will never turn to look; he couldn’t, and he couldn’t tell where is he exactly, although he had been here before, certainly had been here; It was a familiar road, vast reed fields on both sides, but his brain couldn't name it; 'it doesn't matter where you are', his brain told him that, as well it told him to run, why? Where? , all of those matter-of-facts seemed to be useless useless here, where all the facts and emotions were unapproachable.

and he did, despite himself, he widened his steps, rushing toward the unknown before him, though all of his madden running couldn’t suppress his curiosity, he wanted to turn and look straight at those eyes, at what he had to escape from, what he was afraid of.

instantly there was a call in his ears, clear and small, like a buzz: ' Don’t stop, it will end you, consume you, don’t dawdle', the idea of being 'consumed' seems horrifying, it flashed in his mind bangs on his scalp, stretching down to his eyes, His vision blurred, eyes watering though no tears came down. He wouldn't cry, but he wants to rub them hard, washing away the tears, yet his hands didn’t move, no matter how he tried, neither did his throat when he wanted to scream out, 'help', the word taste bitter on his tongue;' Han Juwoon can't ask for help', not now, not before.

For now, only his feet are acting, irrationally, clumsily, the more he jogs forward, the heavier his chest became, and his lungs are burned from the lack of air. that was when he saw a human figure standing distantly before him with their back facing him, Juwoon kept running hoping that the stranger before him will notice his existence.

the human stayed still and Juwoon started calling helplessly from afar, he heard no voice coming out of his dried throat. Suddenly, the road before him transformed into a narrow path, the place was so dark and cold, perhaps it was the corridor in his old house straight ahead to his mother's room, he didn’t know, didn’t remember. Wherever he was, he wanted to be out instantly before he was completely out of breath.

' I won't make it out this time', the idea repeatedly waved in his mind, terrifying him, but -he seems to realize at least he would stop running madly to nowhere, stop being afraid,

' let it be, let go' he thought, the idea was bittersweet, surrender sounded oddly comforting to him, faintly there was a heard sound … no, a voice

"breathe in" a familiar voice; he felt his heartbeats fastening in response to it "juwoon-ah, breathe"

'how to?' he wanted to ask, the voice coming as if responding to the unspoken question

"slowly… breathe"

he's trying, surprisingly, he could The soothing voice became clearer, and the world around him changed to another, a familiar warmer place, an even warmer hand tightly holding his, the other hand stroking gently his chest, hurriedly, he inhaled, the sudden big amount of air entering his lungs choked him, causing him to cough harshly.

" you only need to breathe slowly, breathe from your nose, let the air out of your mouth. don’t rush", " juwoon-ah you can do this, it's alright"

The instruction came to lead him, Obediently, he inhaled slowly, while his unfocused eyes searched for the other's face, finally, he spotted it, it's right before him, soft known eyes staring at him worriedly, he surely knew now, that it was Dongsik's.

A sigh of relief escaped from the man's lips as he tightly gripped his shoulder Juwoon did his best to regulate his breathing, forcing his eyes shut, A small tear escaped, but Dongsik's hand caught it before it could run down his cheek.

" It's alright Juwoon-ah, you're here, you can breathe now"

He said, still holding him in a tight embrace. Juwoon inhaled deeply, taking in Dongsik's scent of mint. He cuddled him back, burying his head into the other man's chest.

'Inhale, exhale, simply one after another, that’s breathing'

He told himself repeatedly, forcing all of his sense and emotions to solely on the rhythm, One hand stroking his back while the other gently ran through his hair, involuntarily touching his numb scalp back and forth, he felt fragile and small in dongsik's arms, ashamed of his weakness, Though he rarely needed someone's help during his nightmares, even those rare times he handled it all alone He knew Dongsik worried about him, willing to give up entire nights to stay beside him, yet he hated disturbing his sleep, worrying him, scaring the hell out of him, he hated this all, and himself.

Juwoon wake up slowly to the ray of sunlight making its way through the curtains spreading across the bedsheets, his mouth let a yawn He noticed the empty and cold bed beside him. It took him moments to process his thoughts, then flinched when he recalled the events of the previous night,' I kept him awake all the night, again' finally he sighs heavily, He shuffled his hair back as he walked straight to the kitchen, where Dongsik must be.

Here he was, absentmindedly staring at the garden outside the small window, where the heavy rain had washed the world over and over the whole night, his gaze not particularly focused on anything, a cigarette dangling between his fingers, slowly burning in his hand, juwoon give himself a peaceful moment to observe the quiet man before him, 'what are you thinking of, dongsik?' he thought.

startled dongsik turned his face when juwoon took the cigarette from his before it could burn his fingers, then tossed it in the sink.

" where are you? your hand almost got burn" Juwoon muttered.

"uh … good morning" dongsik greets him, with a smile " how are you now? feeling any better?"

" good morning -. despite the headache, everything is fine"

juwoon is so familiar with the headache, the pain has been lingering in his brain for years, he was quite used to it by now, accepting the pain as a part of his daily routine. Thus, mentioning it now only meant he wasn’t fine.

dongsik tilted his head, eyes narrowing observing him carefully for minute, as if his eyes could see through him. Finally, he nodded, "mn, I see"

"go wash up, I'll make something for breakfast"

he said, walking towards the refrigerator and rolling up his sleeves, juwoon didn’t move or respond, dongsik throw him a questioning look " what? Don’t just stare at me go wash up" he urged "Ah, don’t worry I not making noodles" surely he didn’t want noodles at breakfast, that was far from what he was thinking of ,' your eyelids, did you cry?' he wanted to ask the older man, but he didn’t, instead he silently made his way to the bathroom.

By the time he finished showering the table had already been set, He entered the dining room, toweling his wet

Hair. Dongsik was sitting at the small table, waiting. beside him, beside him lay the omelet and the stewed vegetables, along with some side dishes—a mix of Korean and English cuisine Two months before, Dongsik would make fun of this, telling Juwoon that he was a picky prince. Now, look, he was willingly, to the best of his ability, making the food the picky prince liked. He was at a loss with this change, but it was a welcomed one.

"found enough hot water?" dongsik asked

"mn, did you fix the boiler?"

"not really! you know, I'm not good at fixing stuff. This is temporary, it's too old to be fixed, we should just replace it"

'are you even talking about the damn boiler?' juwoon thought. Maybe this morning had already gone awry. he ignored the provoking expression on Dongsik's face, 'I'm not going to play this game today'

Instead, he asked " I'm making coffee, want some?"

"sure" came the simple reply.

He strolled to the kitchen, a towel covering his still damp hair, focusing at the task in his hand, but he knows: , 'he is staring' dongsik's eyes are following him, the silence between them is carrying a heavy weight on his heart, this is unusual type of silence, though the air is warm inside the old house, that’s not really what he felt inside.

Dongsik was the one who broke the tense silence.

"by the way, there are a spare boiler in the lake house, we go pick it, maybe stay the day there, how does that sound?" he offered. it's not bad, but Juwoon is so exhausted. He didn’t like the idea of driving, nor did he want to be driven.

" how long can the boiler work?" he asked, and dongsik already consider it as 'no'.

"hm, not much, less than week, unless you wanted to wash the whole home in one go" he teases.

"not this time. then, can we leave it to the weekend? I'll drive you there".

" that'll do" he nodded

The silence fell again.

" han juwoon" dongsik called him after while

this voice tone, he can predict what was coming right after this.

"yes"

"what happened again?"

"what do you mean?"

He expected this, Dongsik let out a sigh, then began

"your nightmares, why did it hit a low point again?"

" ah, it's nothing, you don’t have to worry about" avoiding the point.

"I worry. It doesn't seem like nothing"

"wasn't it as usual?"

"cut that off, usual? Tsk, only because you cried out Loud enough to wake me up at the time, or else you would suffocate to dea..-ehm"

Clearing his throat, he couldn’t utter the last word, it's bitter, he can't spit it out. Juwoon seemd to not remember he had shouted, did he? The last he remembered is calling out to the unknown figure, but his voice failed him then.

Juwoon placed the two hot coffee mugs at the table, grab the nearest chair to sit in.

" I'm sorry" that all he could came up with, Dongsik's face darkened, his brows knotted together, he obviously didn’t like what Juwoon said.

" what is the apology for?"

" troubling you last nigh-"

Dongsik interrupt him again, " 'troubling', are we already reaching this point again?"

"it's not like I want t-"

" ' not like I want to offend you', wasn’t that what you were going to say?" Dongsik couldn’t hide the irritation in his voice. ' here we are again' Juwoon didn’t want to offend him, he is honest with these words, but did it matter now? No, because the man was already offended

The food between them went cold, along with the air in juwoon's lungs.

"Juwwon-ah, am I the reason?" his head bowed.

"what? No, why would it be you?"

"you tell me then "

No respond came, Juwoon held the mug in his hand, his palm is deep red, the heat is burning his hands, slowly.

"you're lying, I thought we had passed those periods"

"didn’t we? and I'm not lying" he insisted.

"then you're hiding away"

That, ah, he couldn’t deny this time, couldn’t lie, and it appears to worsen the situation; Dongsik stand up to stroll around, 'he is avoiding me' this is his usual way of avoiding being seen.

" you're hiding"

'so you do, Dongsik'

"From what? Me?" he snorted " you never hide from me, not even when the truth behind your father came. the only time you did, was the time I got prisoned, am I right?"

each word felt like heavy stone being thrown at Juwoon. Perhaps it wasn't the words themselves, but rather the tone carrying them out—wistfulness, disappointment seeping out of his voice.

He continues "And it was out of feeling guilty. Juwoon-ah, are you feeling guilty towards me now? Because I won't accept this"

Juwon avert his gaze, put down the cup, his hands are numb from the heat.

Dongsik stepped away, now leaning at the wall, arms crossed front of his chest, head heavily bowed, Juwoon couldn't bear to see him like that, and wasn’t he the one who caused it all?

"it's all because of me, this has nothing to do with you, I'm sorry" Juwoon earnestly said. Still, it didn't work; rather, it seemed to work in a completely different way. With shaking shoulders, Dongsik chuckled loudly, like his old self.

" Han Juwoon. I don’t want you pity"

'pity' the words cut accurately through his chest, rendering him out of breath.

"Let me guess what's next, 'lee Dongsik, I shouldn't cross your side again this would do us both better' or 'im the problem here' it could be 'I hurt you, how can you let it go', right?" he mimicked Juwoon.

"Don’t say this, those aren't funny"

"I know" the reply came quickly, with no hint of sarcasm in his voice.

'it hurts' the dull ach in his heart, the way Dongsik looked him in the eyes, broken, he hurt the only person he wanted to save with his soul, the person he once promised that he will go to hell for him. However, the next moment he arrests him, a year before he told him 'I can't let you ruin yourself, not anymore' however he only ended up ruining him, again. 'just like your father', -the thought flashed in his head, his headache hit harder this time- is there any way for him to stop hurting the people who cared about him, ' like my father did' ?

Again, dongsik voice is here; to bull him away from his thoughts "fine!" he said while he walked back to the table, where juwoon seems as if he had grown roots in his seat

"fine, let's say you're feeling guilty towards me, for the sake of the past or whatever bullshit you like "

' I didn’t say this' , ' it's not what I meant' he wanted to protest, the words already lying at the tip of his tongue, but Dongsik indicate to shush him, He was too afraid to hear what was coming next from the man.

" you think this idea hadn’t cross my mind before?"

He huffed a light laugh

"it did nag at me many times" he admitted in bitterness.

Juwoon stares at him, eyes opened wide.

" yes, sometimes I tell myself that: I'm holding you back from your life, because your feeling guilty to me. Else, why would a young man with a promising future stick himself in the mud beside a lunatic like me?"

"promising future" Juwoon echoes, he couldn’t suppress a laugh, dongsik ignored it and continued.

" Other times I tell myself that I should let go of you for my own good. It's cruel and selfish, but eventually, I couldn’t. The same as before, when I couldn't even bring myself to hate you, let alone blame you " He tapped to his chest.

"here; I hold nothing against you"

'here I only hold you' he didn’t say it.

" you told me this before" juwoon forced the words out.

"good thing you remember" he paused. " however, when I was at lose of what to do, the idea of letting go will hit again, thus, I asked myself, 'will you be fine if he goes?' " he scoffed to himself.

"God, how ridiculous this is! -no, the answer is: no, I won't be fine" His tone change, no longer playful

Juwoon was quite stunned. In other circumstances, Dongsik would laugh at this reaction of his, but now he didn't.

He let a sigh, shaking his head, "I figured this will be the answer already, but I went through it all to become clear to myself "

Juwoon dropped his head even lower, hiding from his eyes. A water droplet rolled from his damp hair down to his cheek, dongsik reached out his hand, casually brushing it away but he retreated back. ' this shouldn’t be hurting' yet it did hurt, and he couldn’t name the reason why. It's not like they were this intimate, this made no sense.

"You, you really think I stay out of feeling pity for you?" he managed to say finally.

"oh, correct me then, what you call this?" he gestured

between them.

'how came someone as smart as you can't tell what is this?'

He didn’t ask, after he realized, 'can I name it then?'

'I care about you' is it care?

Dongsik, not fully aware of his internal struggle, said,

" until you want to name this, bare this in your mind, I don’t want you pity, I don’t need any of your guilt. No excuses are acceptable since I made it clear before. If for any reason else, then you made it clear first to me, because each time I slightly bush you away, you came back with redoubled steps, and more glistening eyes, and I could only reach out to you", his voice gradually getting lower, softening, "juwoon-ah… what do you want? what can this man do for you?"

'This man has done enough for me' he only replied to the first question. "I don’t know."

"but You should, right? - ' will you be fine away from here'? ask yourself for me, will you?"

'here' is where exactly? Manyang? This old house? or This kitchen? The small space between them? or His warm comforting embrace? dongsik is in all of those places, he is nowhere else, so it's ' away from me'.

" I won't be selfish, I won't disturb your life and hold you back ", Is it selfish to hold the person you like beside you? Maybe. 'Then be selfish, Dongsik.' After a brief moment of silence, Juwoon's ringtone broke the silence, saving him from what he should say. He glanced at the ID caller; they were calling from work.

"yes… Ms. Park? What happened? Where is she now? is she fine?" his face expression shifted immediately.

Dongsik looked at him questioningly, and Juwoon looked back at him " yes, I understand, I'll be right there". The call ended, Dongsik asked "Mr. Park? Isn’t this Your partner?"

" yes, they said she had an accident this morning in her way to the station, I should go take her work"

Originally, today and tomorrow are his days off, but now he had to go back and take his partner's place at work.

Dongsik give him an affirmative nod " you should go then" he said after a pause "after eating up" he indicated.

"no, I'm going to be late, coffee was enough"

"Ya! this house has roles 'no skipping meal, you go change I'll reheat it for you" he urged him. Juwoon didn’t say much.

there are so many roles, apparently most of the roles are juwwon's; don't walk barefoot, no smoke before bed time, no smoking at all, no noodles for breakfast, knock on the bathroom door before entering, don’t throw the used towel at the bed ... along serious of don’t this don’t that, dongsik didn’t complain much, nor did he care too much. For him 'eat well, sleep well. and stay on the left side of the bed' were his only contributions to the household rules.

With no appetite, Juwoon only ate a few bites of his omelet, then quickly rushed towards the door. Dongsik lingered behind him, going through his third cigarette. He wasn’t too much into smoking, perhaps he thought with his mouth occupied by the small burning stick, he wouldn't have to say anything else until Juwoon left. But Juwon didn’t let him; right before stepping out, he hesitantly turned back to him.

" Dongsik-si, this isn’t good for you"

"what, smoking? It won't kill me"

" surely smoking isn't healthy, but that’s not what I mean" Juwoon said as bringing two fingers to dongsik's face, gently brushing between his eyebrows, wiping away the frown. " The frowning face, don’t be upset" he said, as Dongsik smirked "why? I'm no longer handsome?"

Juwoon couldn't ever get how pliantly his mood changes. Before, this used to bother him the most. Dongsik seems to not care about what happens around, but now he knows it’s a pretense. He could only envy his ability to act as if nothing mattered at all.

"No, I didn’t say you're not h-"

patting his shoulder, Dongsik interrupted himHe didn’t want to hear these words now " yeah, yeah, get it, now go, you will be late"

" I will be back, with an answer", he finally said

Dongsik hummed with a nod " drive safely"

Juwoon observed him for a moment, then made his way out.