#i just need to survive 4 more days of school next week and then we'll finally have christmas holidays 🌟

[cheekblush]

i'm once again soooooo sleepy but i need to get ready for a birthday party

[saltygilmores]

DANCE MARATHON EPISODE-PART 4

Before we begin, I have some fun news. today I learned that my Tumblr nonsense will be discussed on a podcast. My DALA (Dean and Lorelai Affair) theory will be discussed! How rad is that?! Please give my friends at Gilmored! a follow and tune in. It will air next Thursday, March 7th.

Speaking of DALA tomfoolery, of which there is thankfully not too much of in this episode...this is where we left off...

Hey! Why hasn't that T Rex devoured Dean and Lorelai in her mighty jaws yet?

Lorelai does not stop Puppy-Eye'ing him throughout this entire exchange. She breaks eye contact only for a moment to glance at Rory. In fact, I don't think she blinks.

Maybe we'll all get lucky and there will be a catastophic bleacher collapse. Look at the way this tiny boy in a thrift store castoff bin green coat parted that dance floor like Moses parting the red sea. He carved that crowd of people up like a Thanksgiving turkey, which he won't eat because he's a vegetarian or like he will soon be carving out Shane's internal organs. The dancers are trembling in awe and fear. Taylor Doose desperately calls for security, but no one arrives to save them.

Dean Forrester besat his own goofy very much non dancing keester upon the same bleachers above Jess, causing Lorelai to remark seconds earlier that "Spectator Ken" (Dean) was "sweet" for just showing his goofy face at the thing at all and paying them a mediocre compliment. This was also after she heard an explanation from Rory earlier in the week that he had no intentions of dancing, hence Rory and Lorelai becoming dance partners in the first place, and she reserved all judgement for Dean. Rory "Salty" Gilmore concurs that Jess' sitting abilities pale in comparison to Dean's to please her mommy. Also, I had to look up another stuffy old timey reference for "Martha Graham."

Poor Shane. So blissfully unaware.

You think Dean ever just confidently grabs Rory by the back of the neck and pulls her in for a kiss like that? Hell no. At least Shane will die happy with the taste of Jess in her mouth, maybe in more ways than one, the night is still young, hey hey.

Rory throwing J&S this look is the origin of the name SaltyGilmores (Back in my Twitter days).

Just noting the time for any true crime podcasters who might need that information to try and solve a Swan Murder.

The puke jacket has been shed. The night is fully underway. And Shane will be fully underwater. Since it was a one of a kind donation bin find, he wouldn't want to get any blood spatter on it. It would be hard to find a replacement. I understand. The black shirt will also be helpful in hiding the blood stains.

What are you looking at, number 34? You putz. I can't believe I may actually semi-defend you later, you goofy ass. Taylor announces a barbaric ritual in which the remaining dancers must run laps around the gymnasium and the 5 slowest couples will be eliminated, taken out behind the school, and processed into hamburger patties to be served at the diner. Although the Gilmores survive the Running of the Lamewads, Lorelai soon faces the wrath of Jackson for meddling in his and Sookie's marriage (which she didn't really do, for once).

Line up in an orderly fashion behind Shane at the back of the school and you can both be axed to death if that's what you really want. The size of the crowd on the bleachers appears to have ballooned in the last minute, and I was hoping to see Jess and Dean and Shane react to the Running of The Goof Troop, but I could not seem to find them. Well, I can only guess why Shane and Jess disappeared. Boooiiinggg. We'll catch up with them in just a moment.

Just a sea of dead bodies. Nothing to see here, True Crime Podcasters.

Has Luke been standing there for 14 hours?

[mcu-fan-fics-blog]

Remember a Time X

Series:  (Pt.1), (P.t 2), (P.t 3), (P.t 4), (P.t 5), (P.t 6), (P.t 7), (P.t 8), (P.t 9) Wanda Maximoff x Fem! Reader, Natasha Romanoff x Fem! Reader ;) (High school Au ) No Powers Word count: 1907 aproxx A/n: It's me again for the few of you still keeping up with this little story. I present you with an update. One should be up next week I mean it this time It's done just needs editing. Anyways hope you enjoy I'm really trying to get past this writers block, thanks for being patient <3

There was officially only two months left till you moved to California, and time felt like it was flying. Both you and Natasha had been apartment hunting, unfortunately you couldn't find a suitable apparent for the two of you, so you both opted to search for apartments individually. You were bummed at the beginning but soon realized that it would facilitate things for the both of you. More so your dad knocked some well needed sense into your head. As much as he liked Natasha things could end badly and then you'd both be stuck in a bad situation. It was for the best you had decided. "You know, I'm basically going to be living with you on the weekends and when I don't have class. We survived being a continent away. We'll survive a couple of miles." You nodded confidently, agreeing with her. "I'll survive. Not sure you will, with your horrible cooking skills." You jabbed.

She laughed, but then the reality set in. She wouldn't have her mothers cooking, and now she wouldn't have yours which paled in comparison to Melina's. But yours was still better than hers. "That's actually so unsettling. What am I going to do? I can't cook I'll actually somehow poison myself." You chuckled lightly. "I'll just have to teach you the basics, you know nothing compared to Melina's cooking but you know the basics." She smiled somewhat relieved at the prospect of you teaching her to cook. Melina had tried many times throughout her daughter's life, but she simply gave up. Her patience wore out and Natasha couldn’t blame her for that. "I would actually really appreciate that." You nodded. "Well in that case, every day till we move at the end of the day we'll practice." You shook on it. Other preparations had to be made, but mostly everything that you could handle was done. Your parents had actually already gone out ahead of time to set up your apartment with all the things you'd need to live comfortably. Your parents only really wanted you to focus on the academics of it all and for you to enjoy yourself in the process. 

"Natasha we're two weeks into this!" You exclaimed when you looked into the pan only to see the 'scrambled eggs'. "What's wrong with them this time?" She asked, frustrated. "They're going to be really crunchy nat." You said, you could visibly see pieces of shell sticking out. "That's just personal preference, I happen to like my eggs crunchy." You laughed. "You didn't burn them this time so we're making progress. I'm proud." You started looking at her sweetly. "Do I get rewarded for this 'progress'?" She asked teasingly, tilting her head a small smirk on her face. You pretended to think about it. You rushed and kissed her, and before she could really think about it you started peppering her face with small kisses. With one final peck of the lips you smiled softly. "If this is what I get for progress, I'll start practicing all the time." She joked clearly, still flustered. "You'll get a nice surprise when you serve me a thoroughly cooked piece of chicken." You wiggled your eyebrows suggestively. At that Natasha did manage to laugh.

Although you wanted to, you couldn't spend every waking moment with Natasha. So you and Tony would be found making future plans and arrangements. "We have to do Christmas again like last year." He said fondly. You smiled and nodded. "Let's do New Year's. I kinda actually want to spend this Christmas with our families." You were thinking and planning for your future self. "I think I'm really going to miss my folks when I'm gone." You said. "Not me, I couldn't get away from them any faster." He teased, and you laughed, Tony always had a good poker face. But, you know deep down he's going to miss his [arents too although he would be seeing his more often than you would.. "But your choice if you want to do a family Christmas this year that's what we'll do." You almost laughed at the change of tone. "You know I think Pietro is doing a thing later today If you want to go with." You only shook your head. "Come on Y/n piet's been bugging me. He just wants to spend some time with you. He misses you." Before you could say anything again he interrupted you. "It'll only be you and him. If you want me to, I'll stick around. Just, he's your friend too." You sighed. "You're right. I can't just run away from it because it's complicated." Tony nodded. "As much as I don't like his sister right now, he's not a bad guy." The thought escaped Tony's mouth before he could think it through. “You know you really like to meddle in my life.” He laughed. “Well someone has to, if I don't do it who will?”

The mere possibility that you’d have to face Wanda again almost had you drive away from the house you’d become very familiar with. You didn't know what to feel anymore. Wanda was not objectively horrible you knew that, but you also knew that you would very likely end up hating her if you stayed by her side. You’re knocked out of your thoughts when the passenger door of your car pops open. "You didn't tell her right?" The words flew out of your mouth before you could even think to stop them. "She's not here, you don't have to worry." He said simply. "Where do you want to go?" You asked. He thought about it for a while. "We can just drive. I don't really want to do this with a bunch of people around."  You nodded and managed to drive a decent while before he spoke again. “You and Wanda have put me in an impossible position. It’s hard for me because I see the two of you and it makes me sad. How things managed to get so out of hand I don’t know.” You listened and managed to articulate the words. “I will never make you choose…” He nodded. “I know, but I need you to understand that I couldn’t if you asked, even if Wanda asked.” 

You smiled slightly. “I care for you both, and I sympathize with you. So please don’t write me off. You’re my sister too.” You felt lighter by the time you dropped him off, a full tank of gas later. "I think we should do this more often." He said before he stepped out of the car. You laughed nodding along with him. "I'm sure we can find the time before we leave..." Behind you, you saw headlights pull up. Both you and Pietro tensed slightly, before breaking out into laughter. You felt like you'd been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. You could tell it was Vision's car, but you couldn't really be bothered, you'd had a good time with Pietro and It was all that mattered. "You better step out before either of them start walking up to my car." You threatened playfully. "What? You aren't going to walk me to the door and kiss me goodnight?" He pouted referencing when you’d play house as kids. You laughed. "You'd like that wouldn't you!" You settled and placed a small peck on his cheek. "There, that should hold you over for the time being." He nodded. "I'll see you around y/n?" You nodded. And with that he stepped out and you stepped on the gas.

Not that you had to, Wanda had already exited Vision's car, She was now expectantly waiting for her brother to walk through the door. As soon as the door knob turned she was on her brother. “Why didn’t you tell me Y/n was coming over?” He sighed. “Because she doesn’t want to see you, If I’d told you, you would’ve stuck around.” He tried moving past his sister but she stopped him again. “How is she? Is she okay, what did you guys do?” She asked the questions one after the next. “Good, yes, and we talked.” He listed off. “I told her I wasn’t going to choose sides or anything of the sort.” Wanda was about to rebute but he managed to cut her off before she did. “I don’t get you Wanda, I know you.” He said. “I know you love her, I know it! And you somehow got us here.” His words caught her off guard. “She loved you, and you loved her. Why are we here?” She sighed. “I didn’t know, I-i didn’t realize. I freaked when Tony said what he said at the party.” He nodded. “There's no turning back now.” He squeezed her shoulder pulling her in. “Give her time, it will work out. I know it will.” Wanda nodded, the weight of it settling on her shoulders. She released a shaky breath. “She’s with Natasha… Natasha loves her.” Her eyes met her brothers. He nodded. “You’re with Vision, things will fall into place. The universe works in mysterious ways haven't you heard?” He said, pulling his sister into a warm hug.

When you got home that night you weren’t expecting what was waiting for you when you crossed the door. It was almost as if the universe was showing you what was for you. There were roses lining the hallway, and an amazing smell coming from your kitchen. Where she was wearing a beautiful apron, and a rather large bouquet or roses on the dinner table that was already set and ready to go. It had been only a couple of weeks since Natasha had made the world's crunchiest eggs. And here she was, full on dinner made by her you were assuming. “I was waiting for you.” She said taking a kitchen towel to wipe her hands. “Not too long I hope… Did you do all this.” You asked somewhat awestruck. She nodded. “I’ve submitted myself to my mothers cooking school again, because I wanted to do this for you, I wanted to make you proud.” You couldn’t help but smile. “What did you make?” That’s when you saw her smile turn to a smirk. “Roasted chicken, and some potatoes which, if I do say so, are amazing.” You almost choked on air. 

Everything about that night was perfect. She was perfect and she made you feel perfect. Dinner was all you could hope for, and afterwards a promise was a promise. “Are you sure you want to do this?” She’s asked for the umpteenth time. “Undoubtedly sure.” You spent that night in her arms, kissing her and it was perfect. It was everything you imagined, she was everything you imagined. Waking up next to her this time made you feel like you should wake up next to her forever. So you said it, quietly but surely. “I want to wake up next to you forever.” Natasha was asleep. At least that’s what you thought, she didn’t make any sudden movement and her breath was steady enough, you were sure she was asleep. That was until she spoke. “I think I would like that…” She brought your hand to her mouth and placed a small kiss on it. “No, I would love it.” She amended. You wanted to cry at how good she was, how good she was with you. Everything was good there in your bubble.

Tag-List: @when-wolves-howl @alyciaddict @username23345, @arixxxxxxxxa, @justyourwritter69​, @picnicmic, @swiftdazer, @alphawolfchicago1124, @sojo154 @xxxtwilightaxelxxx​ , @marvelogic​ @wandasmistress​ , @alwaysgoodnight​​ , @chickenlittlsblog​ 

[vixovavalentine]

Entombed (Part 5)

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REMINDER: I DO NOT OWN JJK OR ANY CHARACTERS OR ART OR ANYTHING. ALSO PLEASE DON'T STEAL ANY OF MY WORKS. THAT'S JUST RUDE. :)

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Nothing this chapter. Next Chapter we finally get a little spicy.🌶

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There's nothing like the cold hard bitch slap of reality to wake you up.

It had been two weeks since your release from the infirmary and you were trying to keep your promise to yourself. You were going to get stronger, you weren't going to die just a passable death. You were going to make your new, more dangerous life worth it. Besides, you knew there was no going back now. Your major ass beating taught you that if you wanted to survive without fear; you'd have to be better. So there you were on the training grounds with Nanami almost every day. Trying your best to figure out the best way to activate your technique. For the most part the training had been successful, you'd activated your burning technique a few times. You still weren't fully in control of it yet, but there was progress.

Nanami had been extremely helpful to you through the process. Sure, his lectures weren't the most...exciting but sparring with Nanami was actually really challenging and you were learning a lot.

"Since your hands are your technique Y/n, I'll tell you, it also puts you at a high disadvantage. You have to be close range with the enemy and that can be fatal depending on the curse. We need to train you in a longer range weapon as well, I believe it would be beneficial to know both."

You knew Nanami was right, so he started having you train with a pole that was embedded with cursed energy and despite your initial failures at weapon training, you were actually improving.

After a couple days of really getting the feel for the pole, your hits were starting to get more accurate, and you ALMOST managed to get a hit on Nanami when you sparred.

You and Nanami sparred 3 or 4 times before you were done with class for the day and you sat on the grass exhausted, but proud.

"Almost Sensei, almost" You panted, chest heaving up and down.

Nanami adjusted his glasses nodding. "It's good to see some actual improvement, Y/n. You're getting a feel for your new weapon and your stamina is improving. Keep it going, your going on a mission soon."

Immediately you held your breath in fear, but you exhaled quickly realizing that 1. The curse would be at your level and 2. At some point you were going to be sent on missions, that was the job. It also made you feel better knowing Nanami promised to not send you into a situation you couldn't handle and you trusted his word.

"Would I be going with you again Sensei?" you pondered about going on another mission with Nanami.

"I don't know the details yet, it could be Myself, Gojo, or the other first years but we'll see. You won't be sent alone if that's what you're afraid of."

"Okay.." Relieved, you just laid on the ground watching the clouds for a moment. Taking everything in. Everything, all this training.. you thought touching your frying pan necklace that Gojo had given to you. It's worth it... You laid there silently until you heard something be sat next to you. Nanami had grabbed your school bag and set it down close to you.

"You must be hungry, come."

Why was Nanami always right? You thought. Because immediately your stomach grumbled.

"Sounds good." You went to lift yourself up but Nanami held out his hand to help you up. Smiling you grabbed his hand as he hoisted you up in one fluid motion.

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Walking with you to the Cafeteria, Nanami was caught up in his thoughts. Sparring had indeed proved successful in many ways. You'd been more confident, you were faster, your resolve seemed less wounded. Results were showing and Nanami was happy you were finally grasping the concept of this crazy world you were now apart of. Though, Since your incident Nanami was more driven than ever to come up with personalized strategies to help you survive in battle. He realized that if he could get you to master at least one long range weapon, That alone would be beneficial. Seeing as you were still struggling with the activation on your technique.

Your technique. Nanami sighed to himself. . Gojo had made a profound connection. The markings on your hands were almost the exact same as Sukuna's. Nanami had seen it for himself being witness to the King of Curse's domain. Watching you enter the Cafeteria to meet the other students he wondered what would come of it and why hadn't Sukuna surfaced on Itadori's body around you. There was something going on here he just wasn't sure what.

"How'd it go?" Gojo asked, seemingly appearing out of nowhere as he usually did. Sighing Nanami grabbed his cloth from his pocket and wiped a smudge off his glasses.

"Better, much better. She's training with a pole embedded with cursed energy to help her long range fighting and her stamina has improved. The technique.. She's having some trouble activating it from time to time but it's coming along. Why do you ask? Weren't you watching?"

Gojo smiled big. During your sparring Nanami had noticed Gojo watching from the sky at times but decided against pointing it out to you, your focus was more important. "I didn't watch the whole thing, just popped in here and there." Shrugging Gojo leaned himself against the door.

"You're curious about her." Nanami stated plainly. Both men watching as Itadori was acting out a scene from a movie whilst you, Megumi, and Nobara laughed loudly.

"Aren't you a little bit too?"

Nanami was curious about the whole situation. This was indeed a mystery and it seemed as if things were happening in rapid succession to each other. There was a reason that now of all times you technique activated. Nanami didn't believe in fate, but he did believe in facts and the fact was.. your incident wasn't the finale, just the prologue to something bigger that was to come.

"I'd be lying if I said no." Was all he said before waving to all the students goodbye.

"She's cute too." Gojo commented as they both walked towards the exit where Ijichi's car awaited them. Nanami really hadn't thought about Y/N like that until Gojo's comment and it made him slightly uncomfortable. A little flustered, Nanami stayed silent. Not knowing exactly what to say back that wouldn't gauge a ridiculous reaction from Gojo.

"Your silence says it all." Gojo teased walking ahead of Nanami to claim the shotgun seat.

Gojo was insufferable at times, but observant. Nanami had enjoyed sparring with you, and seeing your resolve go from cracked and shattered to mended by sheer will was admirable. The more he thought about it, the more he realized he respected you, and that was more than he could say about Gojo. As the three of you drove away from the school, Nanami couldn't help the memory of seeing the charm he gave you tied to your school bag and for some reason. It warmed him.

===============================================

Knock! Knock! knock!

"Y/N!" Nobara called proudly, knocking hard on your door. "Open up!"

"Why did I agree to this?" you muttered still half asleep, having just finished the final touches of your make up. Your face was by no means a masterpiece this morning, but it would have to do. "I'm awake. I'm coming." You called back trying to sound more enthusiastic as you scooted out from your desk.

Before your incident you, promised Nobara a shopping trip. Which at the time you were excited for, considering you really hadn't had my girlfriends to go shopping with before coming to the school. Only, right now you were wondering if you had made a big mistake. You didn't have a problem going shopping with Nobara, that wasn't the issue. The issue, was that this became a whole event. When you made the promise you thought it was just going to be a couple hours of a Saturday just shopping and eating crepes or getting coffee. What you didn't realize was that A. Nobara had been so excited that she had the whole day practically down to a time table and B. It involved waking up ridiculously early in the morning. By the grace of some celestial entity though; you managed to get your make up on, brush your hair, and get prepared for the hell that surely awaited you. You knew you were being a little dramatic but that's how you felt.

You opened your door for her and returned to putting on the final touches. "I don't know why you want to go shopping this early. It's nearly 8 am, and on a Saturday." you muttered still a tad bit grouchy from your inability to sleep in.

Paying your grouchiness no mind Nobara let herself in. "Because I want to get there before all the good stuff is gone! And! If we hurry we can beat the lunch rush and have lunch at the Café I like without having to wait!"

All you could do was sigh and smile. As agitated as you were, you could tell she was excited. Maybe it was all the time she had to spend with Itadori and Megumi. She finally found another girl to do girl things with and you began to feel a little guilty for being a grouch.

"Okay, Let's go then."

Before you could grab your purse and make your way out the door Nobara held a hand up. "Wait, You're wearing that?" Pointing to your outfit.

"What's wrong with it?" You checked yourself. You thought you looked okay. Figuring the day would be long you threw on your go to pair of leggings and an oversized sweater thinking comfort was key.

"Are you trying to not get a boyfriend Y/n? Leggings, and oversized sweater? No no no, you have to change! what if we meet some hot guys?"

"But I..." Before you could even get a word out, Nobara was rummaging through your closet and drawers.

"There's gotta be something here.... Oh! What's this? Oh! And this'll work too!" Grabbing a few articles of clothing she threw them in your direction. "Change into this, and quick I want to stop and get one of those fancy lattes at Starbucks before the stores open."

Nobara had assembled an outfit for you that consisted of a deep red v-neck top and stone washed flare jeans. The outfit was cute, you had to admit. Nobara had a thing for fashion. Just when you thought you were finally done and ready you turned to see Nobara just standing there with her finger tapping her chin.

"What?"

"Hmmm... It's missing something..." She stood there for moment then clapped her hands together.

"WAIT!" Nobara smiled big. "Where's the necklace Gojo-Sensei gave you?"

"Oh! Right! " You walked over to your nightstand and retrieved the box with the necklace inside. In all of your drowsiness, you had forgotten to put it on this morning. Latching the clasp, you gazed at yourself in the mirror. The smile that came across your face, you just couldn't help. You'd all laughed when Gojo revealed his gift to you. The frying pan that signified your first run in with a curse, as well as your first fight with one. And as much as it was a funny gift it was thoughtful as well. Gojo was indeed a strange man, but you admired his sense of humor.

"See! It looks great! I think we're good to go!" Nobara linked her arm in yours and passed you your purse.

"Let's hit the town and see some hot guys! I have so many places I want to see.." Swinging your purse over your free shoulder you both made your way to the door.

"Oh wait! One more thing." Quickly grabbed the charm Nanami that had gifted you from your school bag, and put it inside your purse to take with you.

"Ready!" Better safe than sorry... you thought relinking your arm with Nobara.

"FINALLY! Let's go!"Nobara cheered as you both made your way out.

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Well, it finally happened. Nobara had killed you. It was 3 o'clock in the afternoon and you were exhausted, slumped against a bench while Nobara went from store to store with more energy and speed than a sugar induced toddler. You'd pegged all this excess energy from the many ice coffees she ordered and consumed. One after the other. Hell, she didn't even seem to notice your exhaustion. She was just too busy trying to find deals. You did have to admit though, the day was mostly a success.

You both shared a really delicious lunch at the french themed bistro and split a piece of red velvet cake from Nobara's favorite cake shop. You'd even found some things you liked. You were now the proud owner of a brand new black cardigan and a sexy black bra Nobara had peer pressured you into buying. Nevermind it felt super uncomfortable to wear and when you complained to Nobara about it she only replied;

"If it's uncomfortable to wear but sexy, it's meant to be taken off..." Wiggling her eyebrows you couldn't help but laugh and just decided to get ii. It did make your breasts look good regardless and that never hurt, that was for sure.

Stretching, you watched the people pass you by. Children, elderly, couples, vendors shouting out to prospective customers. All these people had normal lives. They would never know your struggles. They'd never know about Curses. They'd just go on, Blissfully ignorant of the dangers that lied in wait. To be honest, it made you feel slightly envious. Part of you had accepted that this was your new reality. Gazing down at your hands, your markings always reminded you of that. Love? Kids? Becoming Old? Was any of that even in the cards for you? It all seemed to irresponsible to want now, but that didn't mean you didn't want it.

Groaning you decided to close your eyes and take a deep breath. You were thinking about this too much and decided to clear your mind just listening to the bustling of the city as you sat waiting for Nobara. For a few moments you sat undisturbed lost in your head when you heard footsteps stop by you.

"Well, well, well , Funny running into you here." A familiar voice called to you breaking your quiet moment. Opening your eyes, Gojo's tall frame came into your view.

"Gojo-Sensei? What are you doing here?" you questioned.

He looks different than normal. Scanning his tall figure, you realized his blindfold had been replaced with sunglasses which made his hair fall from it's usually spikey updo. He wore a dark grey scoop neck top, and some black jeans which were much different than his usual attire.

"I'm just out and about." He answered dodging your question. "Better question is, what are you doing here?" Gojo smirked tilting his head playfully.

All you had to do was point to the nearest store to show Nobara arguing with a sales woman about something or other and Gojo laughed putting two and two together. "Oh you poor thing. You must be absolutely traumatized."

"You have no idea, but it's been a little fun." Smiling weakly you held up your bags to show him your journey had bared at least some fruit.

Yawning loudly Gojo plopped himself on the bench next to you and laid his head back relaxing. "So....How's the training with Nanami, a bit of a bore am I right? He's always so serious. Can never have any fun."

Rolling your eyes you chuckled, he was somewhat right. "Nanami's lectures maybe be... not the most thrilling but he's a good sparring partner. I'm learning a lot from him and--"

"You're dodging needs work. I saw Nanami hit you at least three times during one of your spars. You know that it only takes one time for you to die right?" Gojo interjected somewhat annoyed.

Okay that was a 180. Why is he annoyed? You wondered. Is he just that passionate about the training? Wait... How would he know how many times Nanami had hit your during your spars? He saw? When? When you had been training with Nanami, Gojo was never there. At least you never saw him. So it made no sense for him to know any of that.

"What do you mean you saw? You haven't been to the training grounds it's just been Nanami and I?" Was he playing one of his games?

"I was watching from high up." He replied simply.

Huh? The confusion on your face made Gojo just flash you a big smile and give you a peace sign. You didn't understand what he meant and to be honest this day was already so exhausting that you just let it be.

"Okay, you know what I'll keep the dodging in mind.. Thanks."

Nodding in your direction Gojo looked pleased with himself and stood up from the bench to leave but then stopped and turned to face you.

"Oh before I forget. Next week you and I are going on a Mission. Be Ready Y/n. Anything can happen." Grabbing his sunglasses he tilted them down to meet your gaze.

A surge of electricity ran through you as you sat there. If you were standing you would have fallen over.

What the Hell... was all you could think.

"Well, I gotta go Y/n. Daifuku awaits!" Gojo simply winked and waved his hands in his departure and there you still sat.

His eyes.. You'd never seen his eyes before but god. They were an otherworldly a shade of cerulean blue you'd never seen before. In a way they were terrifying and also.... beautiful.

It was a welcome distraction when Nobara finally surfaced from her shopping excursion and claimed she was finally ready to call it a day. Trying to distract yourself, you listened to all of Nobara's talk of wearing down salesmen and women for better deals. You smiled and nodded but in the end you just couldn't get the image of Gojo's eyes out of your head.

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[mybraindumps]

That one day (one hour barely) I spent in one of the most expensive hotels in the city with my friend who had got a one week stay there in the first week of her new job.

It was something else. And it has everything and nothing to do with the hotel being expensive as fuck.

She completed her post grad this year and joined her first job. It was their second or third day of the stay. I was already 3-4 weeks in my own new job that was paying a bomb and which I finished serving the notice period of this week. It's a very short time I had spent here but I was already done. I could see it not working out at all. Yes, I need to be less invested in work and set better boundaries but this was not the place it was gonna happen at. Except I had moved cities for this job and rented this place and was livng by myself for the first time. So I wasn't completely sure if it was the job that was shit or the whole experience was getting to me.

But lying there on that soft ass bed with my friend, I knew then that whatever's ahead of me, it's not good. In the sense that it's not going to be easy. Having done it thrice, I have gotten a little more comfortable with the idea of quitting and job hunting, but really I don't know where to go from here. And frankly I am tired of quitting, it sounds cool but it takes a toll. I don't regret quitting, I know I would not have survived, I just want to find the next thing and and not quit for once. It's exhausting.

Yes, you need to give time to things and it's okay for them to not work out in one go, but like what do I do. Lying there I had a this feeling in my chest that nothing would work out, and I suppose I have had that feeling for a while now. Months, an year even. I know better than to sink in that self-pity but how do I ignore it when it's so visibily there? Forget about anyone else, if I was an employer or interviewer, I wouldn't hire me simply because I can't stay at a place long enough. Even if it wasn't my fault, and I absolutely had to leave - which is mostly true but remeber you are up against people who can, so - why would I take the burden of my inability to deal with stress or whatever.

And say if someone does hire me, which I know they eventually will, what next? How long will you stay there? How long can you? Your issues in jobs are exactly the same that they were in school, nothing has changed. You still have no self control when it comes to prioritising work against cheap pleasures. But you'll still be anxious throughout cause you haven't completed your work. And why does it take you forever to get to every single task? It's like you take 6 hours of mental preparation for a 6 minute task, like are you kidding me? And it's been a while since we recognised that, why haven't we still fixed it? And why the fuck are we talking like our toxic boss? What happened to being kind to yourself? What are you even doing?

I remeber three years ago, around graduction, when you were talking to this boy, you told him you had no idea what you want to do with your future. How are you in the same exact place three years later?

Honestly I am out of suggestions for what we can do. You haven't heard back from any of the nice places, and I doubt you will. And probably what's going to happen is what always happens. Some average place will make you a good offer, that you wouln't have the common sense to see the red flags for and just the importance they give you will make you want to join them, and you will, even if you have to move cities and and a couple of months later we'll be right where we are right now. Like at this point I don't even expect anything to work out.

You should be able to quit toxic places yes, but I feel like at this point you have too much arrongance and very high expectations that I probably no workplace can deliver at.

Go to sleep or something, idk.

3:14 am 08.09.23

[vermillioncrown]

Okay I'm gonna go ahead and give the answer (I forgot to set the poll duration to 1 day only so eh), a tale, and context to go along all of this. And physics, of course. As always, no numbers, just concepts.

Let's keep these things in mind for the "correct answer":

it's an undergraduate level Intro to Physics course (basically secondary school-level Physics but with the proper math)

Gravity had not come out yet, nor The Martian

UG Verm studied for finals by staying up the 24 hours before that exam, reviewing every concept brute force, and went in raw, never got below a B+ so never had to learn a lesson until grad school (no one should do this. It's not a brag. It is a warning.)

Those that chose "Newton's 3rd Law", that's the correct answer, you get 5/5 and move onto the next question. It's a final exam, so that already marks off answers 1 and 2 for no physics. 3 implies some sort of fluid medium in space, so also wrong. 4 will give you more problems despite also respecting Newton's 3rd Law with a bit of propulsion principles attached. Also:

^same principle but you might as well not cut into yourself and just use suit leakage and hope you get back before you completely lose life support.

J2 answer requires knowledge of orbital mechanics (didn't have that yet), and you're hoping that the non-perfect orbits of you and the spacecraft will meet again, given... IDK. A few days? Weeks? Months or years? Possible if you're a Kerbal.

=

So onto UG Verm's answer, but I want to segue into 'derangedness'. That quality isn't that the answer was big-brained, genius, more correct, or what have you--it's defined by the sheer amount of effort used (some may say... wasted) on an edge case plausible solution that is not the answer to be graded on the rubric. And it must be done not for the sake of being weird or quirky, but because the person giving the answer ascribes another objective to this problem that is not given in the prompt. This objective needs to be reasonable, but will result in a nonsensical answer due to the simplification and idealization of the posed problem.

TLDR: derangedness is "doing the most" for something that's technically not wrong, but it's certainly a strange hill to die on.

I came into this exam at the end of my damn rope. 24 hours of studying, + I was already up for another 12ish hours in a previous exam and packing for break.

When this question appeared in front of me, I somehow translated "return to the ship" into a directive to survive. I knew the answer they wanted from me was Newton's 3rd Law, but my off-the-shits brain screamed, "Do not let go of your only fucking lifeline in the cold expanse of space what the fuck"

So I posed a hypothetical. "We'll use the concept of precession."

^which is pretty damn close (propelling requires a fluid medium i.e. air or water, so not quite it, but still--spinning!)

Precession is a type of rotational motion of things that are already rotating. If you spin a spinning top, and the topside also goes in a circle--that's precession.

fig 1. pink - top spinning on longitudinal axis, green - axis of precession

There are several cases why this type of motion happens, but we'll get to the important one: it's when you apply an external rotational force, torque, onto the system you are considering. ie. let's turn on the drill to super-high torque spin as the rotational object, and let my arm flex at the elbow only to create torque away from my body such that we might rotate and precess. If you've seen those physics videos of someone spinning in a chair and changing directions by flipping a spinning wheel they're holding, that's the concept except I'm trying to create rotation away from my body so I'm not spinning in place.

fig 2. yellow - power drill with rotational direction, red - arm, circle and lines are "new origin" and frame of motion reference, magenta - possible rotations of arm (pending flexibility) and applied torque.

So, that's all and good, and just a bit of precession will net you nothing because you're still spinning in circles in microgravity. The key here, to my overcooked brain, was the fact you could turn the drill on and off.

Perhaps, I posed, there was a theoretical set of applied torques of swinging your forearm and timing of on and off of the power drill such that you manage to precess your way back to the spacecraft. Rotate one way, counter to stop, change the direction, and so on and so forth.

fig 3. left, brown - proposed trajectory; magenta - when to swing arm to apply torque; red x - switch points; yellow - drill on periods

fig 4. right, brown - proposed trajectory; red - application of forearm torque along path; yellow - drill on periods

This is what this answer implies.

At this time, I couldn't even conceive of the type of math necessary to make this work. This is an optimal guidance and control problem for duration, direction, and strength of the drill's spin and your arm. If you know calculus, then the math for OGC is the calculus of calculus. DiffEqs of DiffEqs. This is fucking Nasty.

To make this work, you need to program the OGC solution into something like a robotics arm, or anything you can quantify its controllabiliity (this is obnoxious Linear Algebra). That astronaut needs inhuman precision.

Again, scale of power drill's angular momentum (spin + its mass) vs the astronaut. If it works, you're going nowhere fast.

So we went through this entire journey because I was terrified of letting go of the drill in this hypothetical situation. Let me be clear that I remember the emotional state I was in during the exam. Hopped up on too much caffeine, probably manic/paranoid, wanting to finish the exam and go the fuck home. It wasn't about impressing anyone.

I rounded out the entire spiel above with:

"... if all else fails, of course Newton's 3rd Law and you can throw the drill, but you better not miss because that's the end of you."

To which my TA circled this bottom portion, gave me a 5/5, and wrote in all caps:

"WHY THE HELL THE REST OF THIS????"

=

Now that I'm in the position that whatever long-suffering TA that was made to grade my exam, man...

If I received an answer like that, I'd either call it quits for the day or knock back a hard cider to continue grading.

pick what vibes with you (correctness is not necessary--i will not lecture you). or if you want to shoot your shot, write your best guess in the replies

tiding everyone over to buy time for writing tpac ch3 + warning shots for those wanting to go into STEM (that i should not be your example)

(if you manage to match my answer: know that you'll make it in the field but it will greatly damage you 🥴)

[kooktaebear]

If Only I Knew

Status: ONGOING (this is my first AU AHHH I’m excited to write the next couple of parts, but I hope this story gets a lot of love :~>)

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Summary: Y/N abruptly moved to Seoul after spending 21 years living alone in her hometown, Busan after the death of her parents. She now discovers through her best friends that drama can be a lot to handle, but as she starts to meet new people, she discovers that she had completely forgotten an important part of her past.

Warnings: mention of guns, blood and violence,

Genre: angst, WHOLE LOT OF FLUFF, slow burn

Word Count: 3.2k

Part One:

I step out of the bus and a gust of cold wind hits my face as I board the train. Why did I think of not wearing enough layers in the middle of winter? I take my seat and look out the window to see the number of people who are about to board the train. I grab my phone and start listening to ILYSB. I like LANY, their music is perfect for travel.

I know this isn't such an interesting event in my life since I know that many other people have flown to see Seoul, capital of Korea but hey, give me a break. I’m finally going to meet my best friends after living alone for 4 years. This is what pays to be travelling, a provincial girl like me? I doubt I would ever survive the city life.

As a 2 hours pass, I wake up to hear the advisory that I’m about to reach Seoul.

I look out the window, close my eyes, and whisper.  

"Mom, Dad, I made it to Seoul."

I lost both my parents during a hostage that happened in our own home. My mom happened to answer the door and was shot first. The culprit saw me and asked me to go get my dad. At first I was confused, but it so happened that there was an issue with the family business and this guy was after the money. I was 13 at that time but I still couldn't figure out why something like this had to happen to our family. However, as soon as my dad had agreed to the terms of the killer, he pointed his gun at me and pulled the trigger. I closed my eyes to prepare myself for the pain that comes next but instead, I felt warm liquid on my hands and felt something heavy fall on me, it was my dad. I screamed at the sight of both my parents suddenly vanishing from this world, a sudden pain struck my chest and I couldn't breathe. I fall to the ground slowly losing my vision as I see the blue and red lights of police cars approaching my house.

"Miss? Are you okay miss?" the person right next to me calls my attention and brings me back to reality, "Oh, yes I'm fine. Have we arrived?" I look around to see almost everyone out of the train. "Would you need any help getting off? Are you new to the city?" the lady asks me. I shake my head and give her a smile as I head down the aisle to the exit.

I follow the rest of the passengers to exit the station as I turn my phone on to contact Jennie and Lisa, my two best friends. Their parents had offered to get us three an apartment we could all share just so that they could both keep me company. Lisa and Jennie aren't sisters if you were wondering, they just had agreed to live under one roof with me and I'm eternally grateful for that. Not to mention they’re idol trainees.

"Y/N?" I turn my head to see Lisa's straight black hair, "Lisa!!!" We both jump around and giggle, "Wait but where's Jennie?" "Oh, she's getting us another cab because your arrival got delayed." She helps grab my luggage and we both start catching up with each other, as if we’ve never spoken in weeks. This was the first time I had ever seen both Lisa and Jennie in person, all our moms were best friends when they were younger too but since we couldn't visit them often, we met and talked through video calls.

"Well if it isn't our beautiful foreign friend Y/N." I turn around and meet Jennie’s eyes, "JENNIE!!!" I run to hug her and Lisa joins in and I finally don't feel alone anymore. "Girls, the cab is waiting outside, we better hurry." On our way to our new apartment we were all catching up with each other as if we really didn't talk as much already. "Oh hey, Y/N you have to make sure that you're ready to go to school by 7am okay?" Jennie cheerfully said. I was so confused, school started at 8am so why would I have to be ready an hour before school when our place was literally like 10 minutes away. "Wait why do we have to be ready an hour before school? I know our place is like 15 minutes away from school. It's not like you guys take that long to fix yourselves up right?" Lisa and Jennie smiled at me suspiciously, "Well....Y/N you know, you may not know everything about us yet..." "What's there not to know? I've known you guys since the moment I was able to talk." Lisa elbowed me softly, "We’ve got new friends! Like actual men type of friends." My eyes opened wide despite the tiredness I've been experiencing,

How could these two end up befriending guys and just suddenly "forgetting" to tell me about it when they know and are fully aware that we all don’t normally interact with the opposite gender?  

"Fine, I'll be ready by 7am on Monday." I say as I roll my eyes, "YAYYY I'M SO EXCITEDDD!!!" both of them scream.

Ugh, 30 minutes have just passed since I arrived in Seoul and I'm already experiencing stress.

As soon as we got off the cab, both my friends had rushed to bring down all my belongings so that I could finally take a look at the place we rented out. Jennie reaches her hand out to me and in her palm, my key to our place. "Hey, have you guys figured out how we'll be getting to school on Monday?" Jennie giggles, "Y/N, you’re lucky we attend the same school. But the guys will pick us up! Plus..they promised to bring Jungkook." Jennie winks at me and flashes me her brightest smile.

Jungkook? I know I've heard that name somewhere, but I just can't remember where.

"We're here!!" The elevator door opens, "Apartment 735" I mutter to myself. I walk along the brightly lit corridor. "732....733...734..." I continue counting, "735!!" The girls rush to my side, "Y/N, this is your first time in our apartment, so you'll have the honor of opening the door with your key" Lisa says with a smile. I reach out for my keys, close my eyes and take a deep breath before turning the key to unlock the door. I hear the light switch turn on and I open my eyes. The apartment was beautiful. I walk in to see the kitchen, it has a small island where I could serve meals to my friends. I honestly enjoy cooking to relieve myself from whatever stresses me out, whether it be school, people or something about football. I’ve loved sports for as long as I can remember but it gets frustrating since I could be quite competitive.

I walked into the next room and I saw our living room, there was a large L-shaped sofa sitting in front of a huge television. In between the sofa and TV, I saw a small wooden table that is most probably multipurpose as being both a study desk and a place to put our snacks when we binge on shows during our free days. Beside the sofa I see a balcony that showcases a beautiful scenery of the city. I walk out and feel the cold breeze on my cheeks, I look up to the sky and I see that the sky had a welcoming gift for me as well. The stars greeted me as they shined brightly upon the night sky and I just can't help but admire the night sky. To my right, I see a bean bag that fits 2 people. I plop down to the bean bag and stargaze for a while.

Mom? Dad? I know you can hear me, I promise I'll make you proud, I'll succeed here in Seoul and become a great doctor.

"Y/N?" I snap back to reality and see Jennie’s head appear, "You haven't even seen your room yet! Come onnnnn!!" I stand back up and follow the girls in another small hallway, there I see 3 doors. "So basically, it's not that we don't want you to have your own room but we wanted one room to be our sort of walk-in closet because I mean who has not dreamed of having one?" I open the first door I see and the place is indeed full of clothes. There were 3 closets in the room, each of the closet doors have our first name initials on it to indicate who owns which closet. I laugh at my best friends, we all enjoy watching all those Barbie movies where they have spectacular closets and I guess you can say that this is the closest we can get to our childhood dreams.

I walk out of the room and take a few steps into the hallway. Lisa rushes to get past me and hold the doorknob, "Okay Y/N, this room is a little different. I know it's not really our style whatsoever but we created a study room." I scrunch my eyebrows, "A study room? Really now? For all of us or for me?" Lisa tucks a stray hair into her ear, "Well, more for you than for us since we know how hard you work and how much more you'll be working to get into med school. But it's a double purpose for a practice room for us too!" I take a step back to look at both my best friends and their grinning faces,

What did I do to deserve these two psychos in my life?

I call them in for a group hug, "You guys, I know you want to make me feel like there's nothing missing anymore in my life and I love you guys for that. I hope you all still remember I'm not a robot though and even if I'll be working hard to get into med school, I'll still be around to party and experience what any normal teenager should be experiencing." I hear Jennie sniffling at my right, "Aw Jen" I rub her back soothingly, "We know that Y/N, we just want the best for you too. We'll always be here rooting for you any time." We all take a step back, "Okay!" Lisa says, "Guys, it's our first night in our own apartment and we're already crying." Everybody laughs, "So I guess this last room is our room?" "It sure is." Jennie opens the door and I see three twin beds side by side. Just like our "walk-in closet" our first name initials are hanging above our head, brightly lit to recognize who owns which bed. I see my initial on top of the bed that lies in between both Lisa and Jennie's.

I drop my luggage off at our closet area and plop back down into the bean bag on the balcony. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes.

This is the start of my new life.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Take my hands now, you are the cause of my euphoria"

I woke up to the sound of Euphoria, my favorite song in the whole wide-

"WHEN I’M WITH YOU I'M IN UTOPIA"

And of course, the voices of my two best friends singing their hearts out and getting the lyrics messed up.

"Y/N!!! Come on!! It's your first day of school. Did you forget about our breakfast plan?"

Right. Their so-called "breakfast plan" before school. I stand up from my bed and stretch a little before I start making my bed. I stop by the closet first and pick my outfit for today, I pick out a tied crop top, white sneakers, and jeans. I grab my bathrobe and head to the bathroom. I step into the shower and play some music that would help wake me up and get ready for the day. As I continue to wash my hair, I hear a knock on my door, 

"Y/N! Are you done?!!" 

I roll my eyes. Jeez, they finally got themselves guy friends and now they're going crazy about finishing on time. I wrap a towel around my head to dry my hair. I head back to our dressing room and open my luggage. As I look for my blow dryer and straightener, Lisa barges into the room, 

"Y/N Y/L/N, you seem to be too relaxed this morning. You have 30 minutes left to get ready and if you're not ready by then I'm going to drag you to the car." "Don't worry Jen, I'll be done on time. Now can you please stop bothering me so that I can start dressing up?"

I quickly blow dry my hair and put it up in a messy bun. With the remaining time left, this is the best I can do to tame my natural curls. I look at myself in the mirror and check to see if something is missing. I reach out to get my makeup bag and I put on a little blush and add a little lip tint. I search through my accessory bag and look for my small stud earrings. I get my glasses from the table and look at myself in the mirror once more. I'm ready for my first day of school. I leave the dressing room and meet my best friends in our kitchen. 

"Oh my goodness Y/N, let's go! We're already 5 minutes late." I grab the schoolbag I prepared last night before heading to bed and leave the apartment. We head to the basement by elevator since Lisa got her license just recently. "Wait Lisa, if you had your license already by the time you picked me up, why did you guys use a taxi to pick me up?" "Oh, uh..I was too lazy to drive that late at night so I just got us a taxi." She starts the car and we head to the exit.

It was my first time ever seeing Seoul in the morning light, the sun hit the skyscrapers so beautifully that it was as if the city was welcoming me as their new citizen. Numerous cars were already out by the time we hit the road because of the rush hour most of them were experiencing. Our school, Seoul National University was just 10 minutes away, our apartment was located a couple blocks away As I was looking out the window, I saw some sort of diner come into view. It looked huge for my definition of a diner since I always saw diners as small joints made for meals, but this diner was different. As Lisa pulled up in the parking area I could see a little bit of the inside, students like us were dining in there as well and there seemed to be a game room on the other side of the dining area.  It's around mid-February so the breeze was still cool, Busan was a little warmer during the winter so I had to find a way to adjust to the cooler weather in the city. As my friends and I make our way to the entrance, I notice three heads that turn our way. As we enter the diner however, the smell of freshly made bread, waffles, and eggs hits me and I feel my mouth water. I've been starving and I couldn't wait to try whatever the diner had been serving.

I see three boys in a booth and I make eye contact with one of them, the weird thing is...I felt butterflies in my tummy. I've seen those eyes somewhere, he feels familiar which is of course impossible because I've never met these people in my entire life.

I've never had any guy friends at all. I've always thought about making my parents proud and everything so I focused on getting good scores on all my tests so that I could get into med school. This is all so new to me...having friends of the opposite species. I mean okay, I've watched rom-coms and movies that revolve around love, seeing your friends being treated the way I see couples act in the movies is something I never thought I would be interacting with boys at this point of my life.

"Y/N? Earth to Y/N!" I snap back to reality as Jennie calls my attention. "This is Jimin, Taehyung and the guy still sitting in the booth is Jungkook." Jungkook? I think I know a Jungkook from back home but it's still pretty hard to remember a lot of things. "Sorry, I'm being rude." Jungkook stood up and walked to me, "Jungkook." He held out a hand for me to shake, "Y/N." I say in reply. As our hands touch, there's a familiar warmth that gives me goosebumps. I quickly try to mask the reddness in my cheeks. We all take a seat in the booth and based on the impression of these boys, they seem like athletes. "Hey Y/N," Jimin says, "You should try their Bacon and Waffles here. They sell out like crazy in the mornings." I take a quick glance on the menu and scan quickly for the meal Jimin was talking about. I raise my hand excitedly to call in the waitress to take our orders, "1 Bacon and Waffles, 2 Pancakes and, 3 orders of the Waffles and Chicken all with Orange Juice on the side." The waitress says, "Thanks." I give her a smile in return.

I glance back at my friends after giving the waitress the menu I was holding, Jungkook and I make direct eye contact, his big brown doe eyes, another flood of goosebumps crawl on my skin as he turns away to talk to Taehyung. Why is it that Jungkook looks at me as if he’s seen me before?

The waitress returns with the orders and I start to take a bite off my first meal of the day.

“So Y/N, how was your first night in the city?” Taehyung asked as he picked a strawberry off one of the pancakes, “I stayed up in the balcony just looking at the city lights, the stars were very bright last night. I couldn’t stay up for so long though, it got really cold.” “Y/N loves gazing at stars, she used to try to make Jen and I see the stars in Busan every time we video called.” Lisa says giggling, Jimin gasps and turns to point at Jungkook while eating his waffle, “Jungkook used to drag us out of our homes just to meet at a park to stargaze!” Jungkook shyly looks away and takes a sip of his juice, “Yah” he finally speaks, “You make me sound like a really weird kid Hyung” I laugh at his statement, “Don’t be too embarrassed Kook, looking at the stars are my favorite past time” He tenses up with the nickname as he looks at me, I realize I just gave this guy a nickname on the first day we met. Shit. “Uh, is it okay that I call you Kook?” He nods in return as a smile crept onto his face.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[tranquil-space-ninja]

The Story (Sanders' Sides Human AU)

Ft. Platonic Moxiety, trans Roman, Imaginality (Remus x Patton), and Emciet (Janus x Emile)

Tw: suicide, homophobia, implied abuse, transphobia, f*g said, tra**y said, bullying, anorexia

--------------------------------------------------

Patton stared at his phone. He had a shift at the office in a few minutes, but he couldn't..... He didn't quite know what he couldn't do today, but he couldn't do it. He called in sick. Emile was very understanding. "Take as long as you need, Pat," he said. "Your mental health comes first."

"Thanks, Dr. Picani." He hung up and continued to stare at the message on his phone.

Unknown Number

Got ur number from Jan. How u doing?

It was him. After all these years, it was really him. And, paired with the fact that it was only a week till his brother's birthday.... The last two years of high school came rushing back.

Patton's phone chimed.

Ro's birthday is coming up.

Like Patton didn't compulsively write down the date in his calender every year. June 4. They would have been twenty-six.

I'm moving to ur area 4 work. I finally caught up 2 u.

Patton stared at his phone without really seeing the messages. Tears started to bluer his vision. He wiped them away, only for them to return with a vengeance. Finally, Patton just let himself sob, hoping to get everything out by the time Virgil got home.

***

Virgil waved to his friends as he walked to his front door. His dad's car was in the driveway, which was a surprise. Normally, he wouldn't be back until dinner. He slowly opened the door. "Dad," he asked. Patton gave Virgil a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Hey, kiddo! How was school?"

"Okay. How are you doing? Are you sick?"

"No, no, I'm fine. Just taking a mental health day. Sit down! I made popcorn. We can watch Black Cauldron."

Virgil sighed and sat down, leaning on Patton. Patton put part of his blanket around the teen and pulled him closer. He loved his son more than anything. He would not let Virgil go through the same things he did.

***

Just as Virgil was about to go to sleep, someone knocked on his door. "Come in," he called. Patton opened the door and gave him another fake smile. He sat down on the chair beside Virgil's desk.

"Can I tell you a story," Patton asked.

"I'm a little old for bedtime stories."

"Please? It's kinda boring, but.... I'll be quick. Please?" Virgil stared at his dad. He hated the desperate look in hs eyes. It was getting closer to June, which meant he'd grow quiet and a bit withdrawn. Maybe this was to preemptively make up for it?

"Sure." Virgil laid down and looked up at Patton.

"Thanks, Virge," he said with a slightly more real, relieved smile. "Let me tell you a story about six boys growing up in Florida."

***

Logan Crofters, Roman and Remus Ryan, Janus Pine, Emile Picani, and Patton Hart. They had been best friends since kindergarten. They were all inseparable. Things got worse in middle school when Roman came out as trans. His parents refused to let him transition or cut his hair, and the other kids were less than supportive. Remus let him wear his clothes, though, and his friends all defended him when they could. And they all survived until high school.

Fast foreward to sophmore year. Logan was on the fast track to becoming valedictorian. The other kids, in addition to whispering, "Fag," and, "Tranny," at them all in the halls, taunted Logan for his intelligence. Remus and Janus got into fights often to protect the others. Patton and Emile tried to keep the group's moral up. Logan and Roman always took it all harder than the others, but they had one teacher, Mr. Sanders, who let them eat lunch in his classroom and used Roman's proper pronouns. He even congratulated Patton and Remus when they started dating. He'd always pair up Janus and Emile for group projects, just to watch them flirt.

Patton, Roman, and Remus's parents passed around a petition to get him fired the next year. It was successful. That was the year everything fell apart.

Roman and Logan couldn't handle the pressure that came with the grades and the bullying. They always said they were fine, but....

One day, Logan quit his job at the library. Said it just wasn't worth it anymore. Roman stopped eating and always brushed his friends off when they begged him to try.

They died the same night. June 4, Roman's birthday. Roman overdosed on antidepressants. Janus, Remus, Emile, and Patton read his note over and over again.

Dear Friends,

I want to start by saying this isn't your fault. Remus, you were the most amazing, supportive brother anyone could ask for. Patton, Janus, Emile, Logan, you are all wonderful and perfect, and you all deserve the world. But.... I can't do this anymore. I can't live in this body one more day or hear someone call me Rachel one more time. I just can't do it. I love you all so much. Please don't dwell on this for too long. I want you all to be happy, okay?

Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't be everything you wanted me to be. I wish I could have been as good a son as Remus was. I wish you could have loved me as much as he did.

And, Mr. Sanders, if you ever see this.... Thank you. For everything.

Adeiu, best of friends and best of men,

Roman

Logan hung himself. He didn't leave a note. His parents at least gave him a funeral. Roman's parents didn't care enough to even do that.

Luckily, Remus, Janus, Emile, and Patton had saved enough from their various jobs to have him cremated. Emile's parents insisted on helping out, which helped a lot.

The group burried Roman's urn just outside the cemetery where Logan rested. Luckily, his grave was at the edge of the gate so Roman's could be near his. Remus painted a large rock to use as a marker. They all stood by the small grave, Janus holding Emile and Patton and Remus squeezing each other's hands, until the sun rose.

Patton stayed with Remus after Janus and Emile left.

"I can't stay here anymore," Remus had whispered. "I can't stay with the people who killed my brother."

"I know," Patton whispered. "I hate our parents." He brushed back his bangs to show Remus a black eye and a bruised cheek. "If we save enough, we'll run away together," he promised. "We'll get Janus and Emile, and we'll all go to Massachusetts, and we'll get married." Remus nodded.

"I like that." He gently pulled Patton close, and they shared a long, sweet kiss.

Things didn't work out. Senior year was worse. Janus, Emile, Patton, and Remus were the gays who were friends with the two who killed themselves, and that's all anyone ever treated them as. Janus's parents took him and moved to Delaware. He and Emile stayed in touch for a few months before the lost contact. Janus and Patton still talked occasionally, though, even after high school. Emile, Patton, and Remus stuck together, but things would never be the same.

When senior year ended, Patton and Emile prepared to move to Massachusetts, but Remus wouldn't go.

"Please," Patton begged. "We found a cute apartment in Salem. We can start over. We can get jobs while Emile is at school. We can build our own lives. Please come with us." Remus shook his head.

"I can't," he said. "It's only been a year since they died. I just can't leave them yet." Patton hugged him tightly.

"Keep in touch," he asked. Remus nodded and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Over the next few years, Patton kept in touch with Remus. Every year, he said he would finally move in with him, and every year, he had an excuse not to. Eventually, they stopped talking as much, and when Patton changed his number, he forgot to tell Remus.

***

"He and Emile stayed together, though," Patton finished. "Patton became Emile's receptionist when he started practicing independently."

"What about Janus and Remus," Virgil asked.

"Janus is still in Delaware, and I guess Remus is with him." Virgil nodded. He wasn't an idiot. He knew Patton had just told him his life story. He just wasn't going to press any further than that. Maybe someday, Patton would tell him more, but it was almost the day his friends killed themselves. Patton needed time.

***

The next day, Patton went back to work. Larry and Dot were happy to see him. When their appointment was almost over, another patient entered the waiting room and walked up to Patton's desk. "Hey," he said, head tilted down. His voice was low and familiar.

"Hi! Do you have an appointment?"

"N-no. I just moved here and was hoping I could set one up."

"Okay.... Dr. Picani is with a patient right now, but-- Remus?" Remus was staring at Patton, a sad frown accepting his dull eyes. "L-like I was saying, Emile--"

"Why didn't you answer my texts?" Patton began to fiddle with a pen. "You could have just said you didn't want to see me. I get it. I probably remind you of Ro and Logan, and that's fine. I failed you and I put off moving even though I said I would, and I understand that you're mad, and it's okay. But--"

"I wanted to see you." Remus stared at Patton, who stared right back.

"What?"

"I wanted to see you, but I couldn't say it. It's just so close to Roman's birthday, and I didn't know what to do or what to tell my son--"

"You have a son?" Patton nodded, tears in his eyes.

"I adopted him five years ago. His name is Virgil. He's funny, he's dark, and strange and sarcastic, and I love him more than anything."

"Boyfriend or husband?"

"Single dad and rockin' it." Remus laughed despite the tears that were escaping his eyes. Patton laughed with him, also crying. "I'm sorry. For everything," he sobbed. Remus took his hand.

"Me too." And that's how Larry and Dot found them five minutes later.

Holding hands and crying, together again.

--------------------------------------------------

[btsrmono]

Trial & Error | chapter 3

Main Pairing: (jimin): student/idol x (main): foreign student

Side Pairs: main x taehyung,, main x (nct) jaehyun

PART 2

So you were wrong. Five weeks had passed and you and Jimin hardly had any interactions at all but when you guys did, they were nothing special. Unfortunately, you had grown a small disliking towards him. It wasn't strong but it was definitely somewhat there, however, you were not going to let him know that. In simple words, he was conceited and started to act like he was too good to hang around certain people. He was just kind of changing. 

 To make matters worse, Jinsoul and Jacob started dating so you had to be around him and Jimin even more, given the two boys were close friends. The one good thing about Jimin being around all the time was that he'd always bring his friend Taehyung to the hangouts. You and Taehyung connected easily and talked a lot. He quickly became your guy best friend.

 One day, as all five of you guys were hanging out at a cafe, per usual, Jacob began talking about school. Normally when they talked about school, you always had to sit this one out because you couldn't relate to anything they were saying or knew any of the people they would talk about. This time was different though.

 "Hey, did you guys check your emails?" Jacob asked as he scrolled through his phone, presumably looking at his email.

 "No, why?" Jimin wondered.

 Taehyung chuckled. "Who checks their emails anymore?”

 "It says exams are pushed back to next week due to reconstruction."

 Jinsoul's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. "Reconstruction? On which part of the school?"

 Jacob, still reading the email, continued, " 'As you all may know, Seoul Performing Arts is working on becoming the best school that it can be for the gifted. In order to do that, we want to provide our students with the most unique comfort and environment.'" His eyes suddenly widened. "Wait a minute, you guys, listen to this: ' As of next week, on the 18th, all students are required to begin attending Seoul's Number 1 International High School, also known as Seoul High. This will only last for three months, so don't make yourself too at home there. With best regards, your superintendent, Gong Min Hyuk.'"

 "Seoul High... isn't that y/n's school?" Taehyung asked with wonder as all heads turned to you.

  You cleared your throat, shocked by this news but kind of happy at the same time. "It is," you confirmed. "But it's also kind of small, I don't know how this is going to work out."

 "I wonder if they're gonna put us in different classes from the students already there," Jimin chimed in. "I mean, they have to, right?" You silently rolled his eyes. There he goes, thinking he’s superior to “regular” students.

 Jacob shrugged his shoulders, unsure of the answer. "I said all the email stated. I guess we'll find out sooner than later."

 Taehyung smiled at you. "If if makes you feel better, I think this'll be fun. You said you don't really talk to anyone there, right? Well, hey, you'll have us." 

 He was right, this was a plus. But at the same time, you automatically worried about the people at your school using them because they were famous or just wanted attention."You guys aren't mad?"

 "It's only for a few months," Jinsoul said. "I think we'll survive. And we'll meet new people, which I'm always excited about. We could expand our circle."

 "But I don't want new friends," you pouted, making Jimin giggle.

 "It's okay," he said. "We don't want new friends either."

 You all giggled but eventually, when their school clashed with yours, they made new friends quickly. Soon, you guys stopped having your meet ups. It had only been 2 weeks but it felt like forever. What made you feel worse was the fact that you had class with Jimin and he ignored you most of the times. The only time he really would acknowledge you is if he were asking for a favor, such as passing a note on to someone for him. You got used to it fast.

 You even started to lose Jinsoul. She became very busy with Jacob and auditions, leaving no time for you. You were sad at first but was able to brush it off after a little bit. Fortunately, Taehyung stuck around. He was the only one friend you had at that point. 

 As the school day ended one day, he suggested you two walked home instead of taking the bus. You looked at him like he was insane. "Tae, you realize that's like an hour walk, right?"

 He shrugged, his hands tucked tightly in his pant pockets. "Just meet me at the pole last bell?"

 Struggling to find the urge to deny his request, you suddenly sighed, slightly rolling your eyes. "Fine. I'll see you later." And so you did. 

 You guys mostly walked in an oddly, relaxing silence. Tae was naturally a quiet person, so you never felt the need to force a conversation. He was a comfortable person to be around, overall. 

 As you two continued your adventure home, your hand accidentally brushed across his, causing you to quickly pull away. "My bad," you mumbled. From your left, you heard Taehyung giggle, making you  look at him, a small smirk forming on your face.

 "Don't be so awkward," he laughed. "You act like we've never touched before." He was right, there were even times where you’d lay in each other's laps, not saying a word. But the difference then was you never felt some kind of way about him. Honestly, those days, you started to grow small feelings for Taehyung. He was sweet, sincere, and caring.

  You sighed, crossing your arms. "Whatever. Why'd you want to walk home anyway?"

 "Because," he simply stated.

 "Because?"

 "Because."

 "Look, Tae--"

 "Wanna go out tonight?" he cut you off.

 Shocked, you didn't say anything for a few seconds, causing Taehyung to stare. He waved his hand in your face, asking if you heard him. "Uhm, yes."

 "Yes to what?" he wondered. "Going out or hearing me?"

 Going out? He couldn't possibly mean in a date way, Taehyung definitely did not have feelings for you... Did he? "Go where?"

 A smile suddenly formed on his face as he suddenly began to blush. "You've been in Korea for how long now? Two, almost three months? I think it's time to show you a tour." 

 You chuckled at the sweet gesture. "It's the Fall," you stated, knowing it was too cold out for him to do so. "You really don't have to."

 "It's my idea, right?" he said. You automatically looked away, suddenly getting goosebumps. "I want to," he stated. "Plus, today is the only free time I'll have in a while."

 "Okay," you agreed.

A/N: Very short chapter this time lol it’s time for me to go to bed. Anyway! Tae and y/n are going on a date?? Find out next chapter! Stay tuned :) 

PART 4

[hoshi-u-love-me]

Twined and Intertwined

(Ch. 1)

Pairing : BTS × Reader × ?? / ?? × Reader

Genre : Sci-fi, angst

Word count:

Warning : absurdity. Das oll. Oh and reader w female pronoun.

A/N : this is my first time writting again after my hiatus so please be gentle with me. I may be a bitch and ain't no bitch die from criticsm but I'm tired and overworked these past 2 weeks so a little sentiment would be nice.

🍃🍃🌸

"DON'T TAKE HER! PLEASE!"

"LET MY BABY GO! PLEASE, SHE'S NORMAL LIKE THE OTHERS!!"

As rare as it is, no one would be surprised if they heard screams.

It all started 2 years ago. The year a scientist manage to find a genetic development within Generation Zs that helps them cope, manage their emotions, and adapt to environment and situations far quicker and far more effectively.

The discovery lead to more thesis made and more thesis led to more tests conducted in the name of science and being widely known as the person who could produce a new evolution theory.

After finding out about the unique 0.2% that oddly enough were all born between 1990-1999, the UN decided to study them even further so they allow scientists to capture those and study them. And with every single person on the face of the earth being tested, it was not hard for the government to track them.

Today, another girl was taken away from her family.

The way she was captured was animalistic. A sniper with tranquilizer was placed on standby the moment her name moved to the top of the list. She was sedated on the spot. As she fell down the stairs, government personel barged in and took her away just like that.

No matter how loud her parents cried, how hard they tried to follow the speeding van, the unconscious girl was unaware of anything, especially her future.

When she opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was white.

White walls on every side, even the ceiling. The room was almost blinding. She sat up on the unfamilliar bed, scanning the unfamilliar room. Every furniture is white, even her clothes and the clothes placed inside the wardrobe on the right side of the door. Unlike everything else, the door is light brown just like the hardwood floor beneath her.

The bed is placed right accross the door, the frames are attached to the wall behind it. The bed looked more like a simple hospital bed rather than the usual bed (Y/N) had in her own room.

After taking in her surrounding, (Y/N) began putting 2 and 2 together and could only sigh as a single tear decider to drip down onto her blanket.

She took the test one and a half year ago, back when she was a mere senior in high school, back when her school was only a 'test to ensure the factuality of the new testing equipment'. She got her result a couple of days later, mailed directly to her. And within the envelope, at the very last page of the 5 pages result explanation, a bright, big, red, rectangular stamp that glared at her viciously : [ ANOMALY ].

Of course, like every other panicked teenager, she hid the result from her parents and said that her result came back and the result is the same as people like her. Which is technically not a lie. In all honesty, she did meant to tell her parents about her result, but she hadn't found the best time to do it.

(Y/N) knew that what happened was innevitable. But deep inside she had hoped that over time, the test result's significance would died down and scientists would've found another discovery that would make them busy enough to forget the whole anomaly thing. But it never happened. In fact, the news blew up and everyone made such great deals about it.

She stayed on her bed for a while, quietly sobbing at how stupid she was for not telling the truth to her parents. Now she won't be able to properly part with her parents. Neither party could bid their goodbyes for God knows how long. As far as she knew, none of the Stem members had actually been returned back home. There was this girl, Cassidy who lived near her and went to the same school with her, was captured earlier this year. Cassidy's parents were so devastated that both of them committed suicide after getting no news about Cassidy for 4 months straight. They had a nice fancy dinner and end the night with a nice glass of rat poison. Yum.

Truth is, no one actually know how the 'research' is done. The government kept the research to themselves more than they kept news about aliens from spreading out.

It appears that (Y/N) had been zoning out long enough to finally adapt to her surroundings and heard voices outside the door.

She knew she'd be living with people within the Stem, but it had never occured to her how many people there might be.

Bracing herself, (Y/N) stepped onto the cold wood floor and slowly reach the door and walk out.

As she walk straight through the bedroom door clad hallway and down the stair at the end of it, she found herself in the presence of 7 guys and a girl. They were lounging in the living room, 4 guys on a big couch, 1 with the girl on a smaller couch, and the other 2 were on their own couches.

"Oh, you're awake" the girl smiled.

(Y/N) smiled a little and nodded.

For some unknown reason her gaze dropped to her feet and tears began to stream down her face and drop to the floor.

"Oh you poor thing" the other girl stood from her position and hugged (Y/N) as she cried on her shoulder.

The unknown girl gently stroke her hair, whispering words of reassurance until one of the guys came to the both of them.

(Y/N) pulled away to look at the guy standing next to her, he had a warm smile but sad eyes. He then pat (Y/N)'s head ever-so-gently with much care before engulfing her in a hug, "it's okay, we're here for you" and with that, came another wave of tears.

It took a while for (Y/N) to calm down, but when she does, the guy led her to the couch and sat her right next to him. He gently let her head lay on his shoulder, despite it being so big, she found it rather comfortable.

"I think an introduction is much needed right now" one guy said, he was sitting accross of them with the previous girl next to him.

"I'm Jongin, I'm 25 and I got admitted to this Stem last year" he said. Despite him smiling kindly, he still look rather intimidating. Perhaps it's his eyes, or his big body that just screams "confidence" all around.

"I'm next!" Another guy exclaimed, he jumped a little in his seat in excitement, "I'm Hoseok! Jung Hoseok! But you can call me J-Hope, most of my friends call me that back home! And I'm also 25 like Jongin! I got here around 7 months ago!" He smiled so big that it was impossible for normal human being to not smile after seeing him smile

The guy next to him raised his right hand as he smiled, his dimple was so deep that it was the first thing noticable when you look at him, "I'm Namjoon, I'm the same age as Hobi and got admitted around the same time as him"

Namjoon then nudged the guy next to him, "what? Oh, my turn," the guy looked rather unbothered, but he was willing to talk, "I'm Yoongi, 26, but I guess you can call me Suga... I was admitted here 6 months ago" his introduction was short and simple, perhaps he's one of those people who talk only if it's necessary.

"I'll go next!" The girl grinned, "I'm Chungha, I'm 23 and I was moved to this stem around 2 months ago" the girl explained.

(Y/N) furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, "moved?" She asked. Chungha chuckled at that, "I'll explain it later, after everyone finishes introducing themselves"

"Which means I'll go next" the last one fron the group of 4 guys spoke, smiling happily, letting his lips form a really cute heart shape, "I'm Taehyung, but you can call me V! I'm 24 years old, and if you ever need someone to cheer you up, you can just come to me and we'll do stuffs together!" "Hey, no fair! If I knew you were gonna say that, I would've said that first!" Hoseok whined at the younger guy.

(Y/N) chuckled at them both bickering.

"Hey, come on! I wanna introduce myself too!" The other guy sitting alone protested, stopping the two guys from bickering even more.

"I'm Jungkook, Jeon Jungkook, 22 and I was admitted here last week, so... I'm probably the only person who could relate to you the most right now" he smiled. "Don't trust him, the first time he got here, he was scared of Chungha simply because she's a girl. Jungkook is scared of girls" Yoongi smirked as he said that, making Jungkook blush as he glared at Yoongi.

"And lastly, I'm Seokjin, or Jin for short and I'm 27" (Y/N) craned her neck a little to look at the guy she's currently leaning on, "out of everyone else, I was admitted here the longest, about a year and a half ago? I was one of the first ones to be admitted in the mass admission" he smiled. But behind his smile, lies an uncomfortable sadness that only lingers for a split second before it changed back to his mask.

"What about you?" Jin asked.

(Y/N) shifts her gaze to her palm as she speaks, "I'm (Y/N), I'm 20 years old, and I... I don't know what else to say" she blushed.

Chungha squealed in her seat, "oh my gosh, she's adorable! She's like a little bunny!" That made (Y/N) blush even more to the point it was really visible.

"Anyways, since you're new, perhaps we should explain to you what's going on here..." Jongin started.

"You know about the researcher's thesis about us, the anomalies, right?" He asked, (Y/N) nodded as a simple answer, "so... essentially, what they're trying to do here is split the the said characteristic into a real being through surgery, they basically took something out, I don't know what exactly though..." (Y/N)'s eyes widens in horror. But before she could say anything, Jin had grabbed her hands in his, "no, it's okay! It's not as bad as it sounds! I survived the surgery!" He said.

Without saying anything else, he tugged (Y/N) up onto her feet and guided her to a room on the first floor.

The room was near the glass door leading to the garden at the back. And it's the only room on the first floor other than a bathroom, dining room, and the kitchen.

"Okay," Jin stopped once he got to the door and looked at (Y/N), "what you're about to see is really unnatural but real... I hope you won't get freaked out by it" he bit his lip in anxiety, he was giving both him and the girl time to prepare for her reaction.

Jin then proceed to slowly open the door to reveal what's inside.

"Holy shit..."

[thisnerdsadventures]

a 2021 update

Ah, so I have forgotten to update in a million years, per usual

~ Random thought section ~

I woke up this morning and read this tweet thread about Alice Wu's director's note for her movie The Half of It. It's streaming on Netflix, and I highly encourage to go watch it, it's probably one of my favorite movies from the past few years. Anyways, she talks about how she produced the film while digesting the heartbreak of a friendship breakup - the whole thread hit me on a different level, but here's a quote that really hit home for me, especially a month from graduation: "The end of the film is each of their beginnings. And for my characters, I can think of no happier ending." We spend a lot of time worrying about the end of things and the uncertainty of things to come. Yet, there was a time where we worried about the exact same things for the very chapter we are now so nervous about leaving.

1. I'm nervous about leaving school and starting the..... rest of my life???

2. I'm nervous that my friends will slowly fade away. I'm nervous that they'll get on with their lives and I'll be slowly still trying to get my bearings, stuck in limbo.

3. I'm nervous that starting adulthood will be difficult because there are no more college orientations, no more awkward freshman dinners, perfect opportunities to meet new friends who are just as nervous as you are.

In writing this out, I felt a sense of deja-vu, like I had written these words before. So I just looked back at some of my posts right before entering college, and lo and behold:

08-18-2016: Today I said goodbye to one of my closer friends, and i realized that without even knowing it, Sunday’s party was the last time I would see some of my closest friends. It’s awful that way, that you don’t even know it’s the last time until it’s passed, and you’re left to pick up the the end of a chapter of a relationship from the scraps of an unexpected and improper farewell.

I feel like I’m in a weird twilight zone between college and high school where my present friends are all beginning to fade away to move on in their lives, and I’m yet to really meet anyone in my class yet, so at the moment,,,,,,there really isn’t anyone.

I wrote this less than a week from moving to Boston, and it's so shocking to me that I also experienced the "unexpected and improper farewell" part in senior year. It's almost the exact same thing that happened in COVID and is continuing to happen. You never know when the last time you might see someone might be, except instead of consolidated over the course of one pre-college summer, it's over the course of more than a year, the time that this pandemic has been going for.

And I hate that I said the "fade away and move on" thing verbatim, literally nearly five years ago. To be honest though, it's true, a lot of them did fade away and move on. But so did I, I wasn't left behind. To some extent, I was the one who did a lot of the moving away. And like many things in life, a couple of us continue to hang around, and maybe our friendships cycled in and out over college, but have come around again after a few years. I guess those are the ones that you know will stick around. The limbo period between chapters is a hard one, and it's nice to know that present-day me isn't the only one who has felt this. It's nice to know that past me met so many incredible people so fast, that I forgot this limbo period happened.

I know this part is getting a little long, but there's just a couple more snippets I want to share:

08-13-2016: I recently read Marina Keegan’s essay The Opposite of Loneliness, and one line resonated with me a lot: We’re so young. It seems silly and almost pretentious for me to think that this party would be so final, and yet it does, even though we have decades upon decades to build and connect or reconnect.

We’re so young, but that doesn’t stop the understanding that we are going to a new chapter in our lives and that it’s going to redefine our relationships. I hope it doesn’t change them too much.

I suppose much of the anxiety of going to college results from having to build my own community from the ground up again.... I tell myself the pieces will fall together and everything will be ok, but it doesn’t stop the increasing anxiety from, well, increasing.

I loved this collection of essays, if you haven't read it, I recommend you do. In moving around for so many years, I haven't been able to keep a lot of books in my possession, but I kept this one because that essay really hit home for me, and continues to, no matter what part of life I'm currently experiencing.

I think moving to college did change my relationships. But change is not a bad thing - your childhood friendships, the few of them that survive, end up strengthening and growing into adult friendships. And in the end, isn't that better than not changing at all? I'm hoping that a few of my college friendships will do that too - we'll go from college friends to family friends, and my kids will call them "Aunt" and "Uncle" and they'll grow up watching their parents talk for hours in the front yard before finally getting in the car and leaving for home.

08-13-2016: But hey, this is part of what I signed up for, I knew I wasn’t going to have much of an initial safety net, but I’m sure I’ll survive. We, as humans, always find a way to adapt right?

I think I survived and adapted. Not in the way I saw things going, but we can never really fully predict things, can we? One day, I'll learn to give myself a safety net for the next chapter, I'm sure. Today's not that day though.

Going back to her director's note, there was one more thing that just struck an emotional chord for me:

Fun fact, Alice Wu actually went to MIT for a bit before transferring to Stanford, and then she became a software engineer at Microsoft! I relate a little too much to her. Maybe one day I too will dump coding for my art form. But for now, in this above example, I relate far too much. I worked on my album, Imperfect, a little too obsessively this past winter while trying to digest the throes of heartbreak from one of my own friendships that ended. I still don't know if there was an ending for that friendship. I think I've spent a lot of time trying to put off the end, like a TV series that just keeps adding more and more seasons. Regardless of whether it needs to end or not (which I have not decided and will continue not to do so), I spent a lot of time thinking about who I was before and after that friendship, and I've concluded that a lot of who I am now, what my life looks like now is a result of that friendship. I'll give you a hint: I really like who I am now, compared to who I was before, and it showed me a lot of parts of life and friendship that I never expected would happen. That friendship was (is?) one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me in my life.

Let's finish off this reflective post with a quote from Khalil Gibran, that's kinda related to that point about how transformative the past can be, and how we're far better off in future chapters of our lives because of it.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

Again, if you haven't read his collection of poems, you should absolutely 100% drop whatever you're doing right now and do so! Wow, I really just assigned an entire reading list in this post.

I hope in making this movie, Alice found peace. I would hesitate to say that I found peace when making my album. I wrote a lot of songs about the heartbreak I felt from that whole experience. But the last song I wrote, "Best Friends," ends the whole thing on a positive note, that at the end of the day, I remember how my friends (past and present) literally saved my life and how things are looking a little better, and whatever happens, I hope my best friends will be there waiting for me, whoever they end up being.

- OK I PROMISE I DIDN'T SET OUT TO BE 100% SO EMO -

But yeah, I haven't really been doing much otherwise? I guess just tryna stay alive, I've been cooking a lot and cooking a lot of good good food, I did apply to an MBA program, I got my COVID vaccine (second shot this week!), I am excited to announce I am publishing a paper in my MEng lab, which is a really big accomplishment imo, I am thriving in my (1) econ class that I kept, even though I didn't realize we had readings assigned like for the past month, I went to try pastries from this Turkish bakery, I biked, probably, 15 miles over the past month, I've read at least 4 or 5 books this year so far, and am hoping to knock another one out today. Currently dying because trying to finish my thesis in like . a week, which is looking a little challenging, but I'm sure it'll happen!!!??

[museontheside]

I got this book (Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving) and a few others recently. Dismantling maladaptive behaviors that protected me as a child and young adult has been and continues to be so difficult and exhausting. I see myself and my reactions to seemingly small things that somehow trigger me in all of these quadrants pictured. And realizing that I spent so much of my time mimicking other to survive and learning how to interact by watching them but never had people who displayed consistent healthy social behavior to learn from. My mother was so incredibly manipulative, domineering, and overbearing when I was growing up. She's at least marginally better now. And I've worked so very hard to not be like her after realizing that it was an easy trap for me to fall into. But yeah... seeing any of those behaviors in myself makes me so disgusted and ashamed. And I'm working on that, too. I know I shouldn't be ashamed of my emotions and it isn't helpful but see also: how I was raised, ha. Anyway, I'm looking forward to doing more than flipping through this book after I finish Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab, even though I know a lot of the activities will be emotionally rough and I'm going to have to really dig into several memories I'd rather not remember. I feel like I've had one foot in the door to making progress for so long, but not having an "official diagnosis" made me hold back from cPTSD-specific treatment/work because I also kinda had imposter syndrome about it even though apparently if I tell medical professionals about my upbringing and the outside abuse then about my current mental health issues, it's apparently glaringly obvious. Anyway.... I'm sure I'd be better off writing this in my rocketbook but I already typed so much tonight and my brain is just running after an incredibly long day with such a strange mix of feelings, news, and events. And I found a new trigger in the last week. Apparently I had blocked out that my childhood abuser referred to our time together as "playing house" so I have to work on making the flashbacks not happen every time my sweet child happily tells me they played house with the other kids at school. So... woo for that I guess. It hasn't happened so far this week. We'll see how the next time goes. You know what, though? The sincerest fucking woo-hoo for my sleepytime cannabis gummies and getting more and better sleep. And for being able to access strains specifically for my needs via the dispensary. And also for timely surgery setting in this state. I'm trying hard to hold onto some good today since I also was informed that my little brother's bestie died today at 28, then spent an hour or so on the phone with him letting him talk through a bunch of stuff and sharing memories and thoughts. There's no way I can make it down for the funeral and I'm trying not to feel too guilty about it. She was a good kid and she didn't deserve to go so soon. I'll miss her silliness and... I don't know what I'm going to do with the little crystal skull for her altar I hadn't gotten into the mail yet. That's what, 4 of my people dead in the last year? I feel like I'm forgetting someone, but... *sigh* Fuck. Yeah. I don't even know. The world is such a beautiful yet terrible place. I want to lean into that first part. Lean in to the beauty. Lean into the connections. Lean in to life. But I have to remind myself the second part is still true. Find the places in between and dig in. Those are where I need to be comfortable living.