#i just keep repeating to myself 'oooooh it's fine it's fine I'm just a tool i have to support others i should not ask for support | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

light-wrath-paradise · 2 months ago

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Btwww I might have. A disorder. I will not specify. But it is a new one. One I don't have yet. It is not known yet.

Like it's probably nothing I mean just forget about it it's totally fine and probably nothing and I'm just being hysterical and I managed to subconsciously manipulate my doctors aha. Like don't worry about it I'm sure this is just a hell of my own making and if I really wanted it to stop I could totally just stop it. So don't even worry about it.

The fact that the only people who fully relate to me and whom I relate to are people with said disorder just means that I subconsciously manipulated them into relating to me. Somehow.

#idk i feel weird about it #I didn't post about it because idk i feel weird about people i know irl knowing about it #because for one it's just a possibility for now and do you know how embarrassing it would be #if i told someone and cried about it and then i had to walk it back? like if i had to go 'oh yeah no turns out I'm just hysterical'?#second of all i think that people might just dismiss it? like maybe they'd go 'oh okay. anyway.'#and on one hand that's nice but on the other hand it'd feel dismissive #third of all I'm scared that they might think I'm making it up. like they'd go 'boooo that's nothing. everyone experiences that. you just #need to git gud. ummm only people with a lot of trauma have that and i have never heard you talk about severe childhood trauma #so like...are you sure you aren't just bipolar? you only think that because some of your friends have that.' etc etc #fourth of all I'm scared they'll swing the other way around and take it too seriously and go 'ohh. idk that's kinda scary. goodbye forever.'#and like my only irl friends who know are 1) my friend with severe chronic health problems because i felt semi-safe confiding in them #because they have a lot of chronic health problems and are used to not being believed so i knew they likely possibly #wouldn't ridicule me. and well it turns out that they have the exact same issues so.#(i mean i love them dearly but when you have eg depression and the only person who knows also has severe unmedicated #depression the support you give eachother is kinda like 'damn i feel like I'm dying' 'damn me too')#2) a friend who has said disorder diagnosed and has had for long enough that said friend's daily life issues are due to completely #different things than mine. and of course being semi-ok with your existence is great but what I'm getting at is that #it can also be a little awkward in the same way it's definitely awkward for someone who is like getting thrown around by their #symptoms of BP//D wanting support from me as someone who went to DBT and isn't getting strangled by B//PD all day every day #so you know. I'm kinda rawdogging my crippling fear and anxiety and sadness and grief and disgust and everything else.#i just keep repeating to myself 'oooooh it's fine it's fine I'm just a tool i have to support others i should not ask for support #i am the one who supports not the one who is suported i am a service i am a tool i shall not bother those who have their own #problems with my problems and existence '

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