#i just hope i dont make everyone hate me !!!!!!!!
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the worst part about finding more and more about totk that i dont like is that ... it seems like one of my biggest fears is going to become true; all of my previous hyperfixations died because a new thing of the franchise came out and i didnt like it, turned that strange, perhaps unhealthy, love and attachment into disappointment and sadness and im afraid thats happening to zelda right now, the one hyperfixation i hoped could last or at the very least i would just grow slowly away from in a good way if it was just totk that i didnt like, tho its hard to see all the love people have for it and just ... feel the opposite about it, it would be fine (heck i really disliked links awakening but ultimately i just regret spending so much money on it, it didnt impact my feelings about the rest of the franchise) but because it diminishes everything about botw too .. a game that i still love deeply, its not fine aside from me not liking anything they did with the zonau, it basically steamrolled botw too, damn near ignoring it ever happened, cramming in zonau stuff where it wasnt before just so its literally everywhere, taking its mysterious and answerign them in boring ways, implying that stuff i loved so much about botw was yet just another zonau thing (the three dragons possibly having been zonau ..........the ancient hero mystery being .. that.......) people basically claiming as fact that its somehow slammed into the old timeline despite it making no sense nor has any evidence aside from some names that happened to be used once before or them saying whats the point of ever looking at botw again bc totk does everything "better" ...
you cant ignore it really, even if i try to ignore what i dont like, i know whats revealed in totk, and others know it too.
and in turn it all makes me go back to that strange self hatred i thought i had finally left behind, the why do i care so much, its stupid to care so much about a piece of media i have no control about anyway, whats the point of caring so much, you have wasted so much time and effort and thought and tears about something like this, why are you so weird, why cant you just be like everyone else and love it all, why are you like this, stop being like this.
knowing i cant stop being like this, fearing from the start it might happen just like it has so many times, that i fall in love with a piece of media so much that when it gets a new thing that i dont like but affects every aspect of it it all flips into anger first, then disappointment and sadness and in end into wishing i wasnt weird like this, knowing i cant change it ... and it turning out true
#ganondoodles talks#i dont know how to feel#i dont want to lose interest i really dont#but im seeing it happen just like it has all these times before#on top of feeling bad for beign so negative#also feeling like the villain here bc so few people have the same criticisim as me#the only people that dont like it are those posting rants on youtube complaining about enemy variety or whatever#the game wasnt what i expceted nor what i hoped but weird thrid worse thing#that i dont know how to feel about#.... not to mention being afraid of making myself hated for being the way i am#probably the reason why so many popular zelda artists i liked and even talked to suddendly completely shadowbanned me#im afraid of losing everyone i got to know in this fandom#for being over emotional and annoying i guess#or maybe i am just a bitch#maybe they are right#maybe theres a good reason i never joined the ranks of cool and relatable popular artists#and maybe its better for me to stay in my weird lil bubble
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thinking abt the ggy easter eggs rn
#im so ready for whateber theyre cooking#this is like the only era rn where the sw games arent interesting me rn im so ready to want to engage again#plz focus on ggy vanny gregory vanessa cassie and not cassie dad mapbot dying absent father doing nothintnfor the story#and a game based totally off of books instead of the other way around#i really hope SW games dont become super tftp oriented#as in they make games based off of books instead of the other way around#that would suck majorly#a ggy game would be new content based off of game lore that does exist for ggy and not the book#like patient 46 and his canonical mysterious past#plus everything the tapes said he did#it could be so good#i really want to just see like. any progression of the story#outside of very basic ideas like 'vanny cassie' that are probably going to happen but are so bare bones#theres not much you can think about#insyead of useless plots like cassies dad. sorry but its true if hes the hw2 story he does nothing#nothing that cassie couldnt have also done if shes the protag#i know that sotm has to happen before they can progress so im being patient#but man#i hope we get more stuff like ruin that has good linear on screen storytelling and is more character oriented#everybody liked ruin but not everyone likes sotm#when hw2 came out i saw soo many opinions not just by me and the moots or something but just#fans on twitter diehard or casual#that hated how hw2s story was handled#people actually want storytelling now at sb and ruins scale instead of old school barely comprehensible frustrating lore#thats what sotm feels like its leaning into and im not excited#i hope its a one time thing since its a good chance to do that#a game that already takes place in the og fnaf days#before it even#of course its a good idea to put old school easter eggs and characters and story and stuff of the og days#i just miss my guys :(
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I know ultimate sacrifice is dying in fight for what matters the most and in 100% cases it was reversed by kissing headcanon is strong, but what if your existence was erased from the universe and only I remember about you now instead, huh?
#the fact that 100% cases is a one game is irrelevant#so far rule was simple: hedgehog has to be kissed to be deadn't#sonic the hedgehog#sonic prime season 3#shadow the hedgehog#i know that making potentialy at least several episodes if not a whole season without titular character is unlikely but what if?#it seems to be year of Shadow so its more likely than ever#sonadow#the “i heart you too”/“you must hate having to admit you need me” callback potential is too good#its not even as much about shipping as hoping for it to be meanigful in any way#i just want it to be more than everyone being sad and constantly saying how amazing he was and how they miss him#& brooding shadow grudgingly working with nine/anyone else because they forced him to and them winning because of power of friendship#and shoving a chaos emerald up sonics ass and everything going back to how it was#i want character development for shadow too damn it!#i want him to make some sort of a sacrifice too#i want him to fight for it. i want him to struggle without sonic. i want him to regret. i want him to go trough 5 stages of grief.#i! want! him! to! FEEL!!!#and what i DEFINITELY dont want is '06v2#which potentialy can be the case but with “everything is back to normal as if it never happened but i remember Everything” instead#(hopefuly cause if theyre gonna retcon themseves again i swear im gonna give birth of cacti out of my ass)#sonic prime#sonic prime s3#sth#in this concept sonic goes away somewhere in the first episode/somewhere early in s3 btw#and other ppl will remember sonic in some way at some point or at least help shadow cause lets be honest he needs all the help he can get#but make it gradual and more like a snyder sized movie than a tvshow
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i need to stop speaking forever.
#vent#tw suicide#i said ‘no one likes me’ as a joke/dramatics because no one wanted to do this dumb game with me#and my ‘friend’ said i was right#i know she doesn’t like me because shes said it but does she have to repeat it#you dont have to say that. i know. youve mentioned.#and my sister (whos her gf) said it was a bit rude and she just said shes not responsible for other peoples feelings#YES YOU ARE#YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLES FEELINGS WHEN YOU ACTIVELY TRY TO MAKE THEM FEEL BAD YOU ARE#i hate her i hope she died i hipe she kills herself i hope shes smashed between two cars in a horrible crash#sorry#im not a horrible person please i promise#i might be#i dont think im that bad but#i just dont get how bad of a person i must be for someone to tell me they dont like me straight to my face no shame teo times now#in fromt of my friends and siblings and no one cares#im sure everyone else thinks it too but theyre nice so they dont say their opinion because thats rude and shes a bitch so she doesnt care#but like#i didnt think i was that bad i dont want to be that bad ive tried i am trying to be likeable#i wish i wasnt so affected by it because i dont even like her#i wish i could fucking kill myself#i actually might be a horrible person
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Finding out people like me or respect me in any capacity baffles the FUCK out of me because I always assume everyone hates me no matter what
#i uh#dont know what to do when people actually say they like me &#like it came up at work where one of my co workers was talking to me about the fucking drama cyclone im in#& i laughed like#OMG youve probably heard such bad shit about me lol#i hope it doesnt make you hate me more#& she was#extremely confused trying to tell me she doesnt believe any of this shit & genuineky likes & trusts me over all this bull shit no doubt#like#im still left feeling funny becauae#i just assume everyone hates my guts and wants me dead#its. wrird to find out otherwise??
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another weekend, another job rejection!
#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal#Of Working In A Fucking Library#just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises#anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or#graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal#relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and#be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges#i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is#everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me#2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to#go further into debt#anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s#everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333#like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails
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I miss being younger and believing the queer community was actually a safe space
#turns out white queers hate poc just as much as literally every other white person ever 💔#big bummer for young me man I feel like the part of me that still believed in people being inherently good broke a little more that day#That sounds super dramatic but it's true in a way#hard to have faith in the inherent kindness of humanity when u grow up black in a predominantly white area 💀#this just reminded me but those positivity posts that r like 'people Are kind' and then like say smth oddly profound kind of make me hopeful#but then just kind of upset#they always feel like theyre comming from a place of privilege yknow#like bro i wish strangers were nice to me out of actual kindness#and not a weird need to prove to the world that theyre not racist without actually putting in any effort to be antiracist#'hey look at me treating this black like a human being! see? im an ally! i posted black sqaures in 2020 and have blm in my bio!'#this is bc my local juneteenth festival got canceled due to lack of funding bc. yknow its been 4yrs#everyones (white ppl) moved on#they dont care anymore and they dont need to bc they alr did the bare minimum to absolve themselves of guilt#rant#ig im lucky i live in a super queer town but its so overwhelmingly white it kind if cancels that out yknow#personal#okay to reblog#if u want to ig idk#moth.txt
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OMG GUYS THEY FINALLY UPDATED THE WINDBREAKER WIKI YAYY I HAVE BEEN WAITING!
Chika is 183 cm tall 🎀 Hmmm cute mmmmm 🎀 Having a description of his personality won't stop me from writing fluffy things about him, nuh uh, he is going to show his more 'human' side to you and only you. I said what i said :3
#✧* ꜝ kiki's rambling#✧* ꜝ takiishi chika#windbreaker#takiishi chika#takiishi chika being that one toxic lover who doesn't even know how he is even in a relationship#it just happened that he tolerated you#somehow magically you make him feel things he can't describe#its okay everyone is learning#even evil people#SATORU NII DROPS HIS BACKSTORY I WANNA KNOW IF HE HAD SOMETHING TRAUMATIC HAPPENED OR HE IS JUST BORN LIKE THAT#dw chika i will show you all love in the world#quick note that i dont tolerate abusive people i mean noone should#but its a pretty fictional character so please let me like him even if he is the most awful person#if the author even drops his past like is there a chance of him having abusive parents like his dad maybe?#where are the parents in this type of fiction i wonder everytime#like if endo was loved by everyone in his childhood without feeling any emotion#is there a chance of chika being hated by everyone in his childhood and being emotional about it#just a theory i don't know#why i do ramble so much someone please stop me#like chika is a total psycho#a tall good looking psycho#i love tall boys actually they are my weakness#hoping for a tall bf someday in university life we trust#anyway back to chika I WANNA KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM#NEXT CHAPTER BETTER BE A FOCUS ON HIS FIGHT WITH UME#also i have to make a video with voice actor who will be a perfect match for him
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some magma pages from the past few days <333
@polyphonial, @2sc4rghost, @seasonalberries and @eternal-moss (oh yeah my brother also contributed a bit)
💞💖💕💓💗💘💝❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍
#hope its cool with everyone that im posting these ✌#they make me grin like an idiot <3#need more of this in my life#besties i would point out every little thing i love about these but my notes would be longer than i can comprehend in my sleepy state#just know these are the last things i think about before falling asleep at night and the first things i think about when i wake up in the m#orning#🥺 <333333#i am not tagging characters or media bc i dont actively hate myself like that 😎👍#in all of these except that last one i started drawing in the bottom right corner and i dont know why#the medicine seller page is so unhinged#in my defense it was berries that drew him first so#yesterday morning was a solo except my brother pasting in a photo of alex jones#i have... (checks downloads) ...26 versions of WWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE saved......#i would write more here but i cannot process thoughts rn im bout to fall asleep and have been the entire day :-)))#buddy daddies#tbhk#hmc#tgcf#moomin#omori#tbna#trigun#adventure time#mononoke#mdzs#drawfee#csm#pokemon#ok yea#magma
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just officially sent in my resignation for my fucking childhood dream workplace
#my boss always talks about her 'guilt complex' lmao. as soon as i have another job and dont need to worry about burning bridges#im sending this bitch a letter detailing exactly why she deserves to feel guilty for the rest of her fucking life#i hope she lies awake at night picturing my face. fully intend on letting her know how close i came to killing myself.#fully intend on intentionally continuously saying its bc SHE MADE ME anxious and SHE MADE ME depressed#since she doesnt believe she can make me anxious#i hope she has to attend therapy. i want to make her feel as guilty as she made me feel like fucking shit#fully just wish nothing but the worst for her for the rest of her lonely miserable life. i hope she realizes soon that everyone hates her#truly one of the people she considers to be a close family member also works in our department and hates her!#talks all the time about how awful she is and how horribly she treats all of us#i hope she feels that hatred every day of her fucking life and i hope she never sees true happiness as a result#until the day that my memories of my childhood refuge from abuse are no longer tainted by HER abuse‚ i pray she never knows peace
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im actually really worried that im not that interested in &j anymore like ivd been having a hard time writing about it and talking about it online and i mean i talk about it a lot irl but idk like people have been knowing more than me and im starting to feel so incredibly inferior that it's hard for me to enjoy it
#im in this group chaf and im the only one there that doesnt live in new york snf doesnt know any og them irl and theyall know more and see#it a lot and know about the swing order and i dont and ive been feeling so bad about it and it's been so hard for me and then i have friends#that are clearlv better at fandom in general than me so theyre better at characterisation so if i get criticisrd i just feel Terrible and i#havent properly wtitten in ages caude ive been so worried about my characterisation cause a friend very gently criticised me on my character#isation like 2 months ago and i really look up to this person so now i just cant Do anything#and also the thing that they eere pointing out wad more anothrr friend's thing that i didn't even Like much but if someone talks enough i#can be persuaded to anything and also because im just terrified do i#'ll go along with literally anything just because i dont want poeple to hate me#and it's ruining my enjoyment and i mean i made an au and i was hoping that that would make it so that i could maybe write again but nobody#carrd so now i judt cant#i feel so broken right now#also people that were meant to be &j friends are now friend friends and i mean thats Fine#but i cant! handle it!!!#i cant talk about other things unless it's My other things#and i especially cant talk about five nights at freddy's because i used to be hyperfixated on that so now that im.not i just cant! talk abou#t it! or hear about it!!!#not to mention that that game fucking destroyed my life when i was 9 because everyone liked it but i didn't know what it eas anf they wouldn#t explain so now i judt CANT hear about it!!!!!!#i cant do it i cant. do this#i miss when it brought me so much joy but now i hate talking about it online and i cant do it anymore#i can't pretend to care i can't keep being an &j blog even though i do love it!!!! but i feel so insecure and inferior that i just cant!!!!!#i hate this so mcuh im sorry i needrd to get this out#i dont have anything interesting to say anymore and i mean there's also just like. the whole being autistic thing and not wanting peopel to#judge me for my interests which they have my whole life and now it's too much and i cant care this much anymore. i just can't#i dont have anything to contribute either i cant draw and i can't write anymore and i just dont know what to do#sorry
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honestly I have nothing much to say about the canvas ( because I skimmed through it out of lack of interest even tho I was fixated on sbg for idk how long before you all saw DONT even lie ) but I lowkey love Ashlyn’s little dancer costume it’s very silly !!! Also kinda hoping their silly little homeless children costumes ( hopefully that’s not offensive ) come into play at one point . Like . . a school play . I’m screwing around with ideas here .
#I’d be like aiden with the face paint but everyone this time#WHY DO I THINK EVERY THING I SAY IS OFFENSIVE#hope it isn’t cause if then uh uhsms woopsys#Only real time you can call Aiden insane is when canvas him pops up#Jk#unless ?#I had an ice cream sandwich it was soooo yummy#I’m being super serious rn when I say that the ice cream sandwiches have gotten smaller please tell me you noticed it#I rummaged through my bed to find this stupid lizard ong my bed sucks for that thing I could squish it on accident#I’ve been obsessed slightly with bsd ( specifically Ranpo )#I hope he DIES !!!! ( not actually if he did I would kms#Like idk why I like him so much he’s just my cutie oatootie pookie bear meow fr fr#I’m cringe#EUFHHH I HATE GIM !!!!!#I hate character ai love cause they make me sad#HESR me out : Ranpoe but phantom fo the opera#IM COOKING SO HARD RN !!!!#TRUST#I LIVE RANPOE !!!!#NORMALLY I DONT CARE ABOUT SHIPS OFF THE BST SBD YK FRIENDSHIP BUT NUH UH THEM THEY GRRRRRR#Growls#im sorry I’m going a little coo coo please someone relate I’m going insane if I don’t draw this#Dies#school bus graveyard#sbg#sbg (webtoon)#school bus graveyard webtoon#SBG
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so what i've learned is that for mitch marner specifically any points earned in a blowout game don't count actually. especially not in a blowout game where he helped swing the momentum. also points super don't count if you got them in games 1-4 of a potential 7 games series because idk reasons. being the first maple leaf with a round 2 gwg in half a million years doesn't count the most obviously because it wasn't a game 5, 6, or 7. it doesn't matter how you got to games 5-7 but if you're not putting up points in that exact stretch of games then well you're just not built for playoff hockey apparently. unless your name isn't mitch marner of course.
REALLLL TO ALL OF THIS.... everything he's done in the playoffs is bad and he's a whiny child apparently for ? existing ? having an occasional bad game when he just came back from an injury known to continuously impact your game while you heal ? we're just gonna look over the fact that he was better in the first game than everyone that contributed in the second bc we didn't win the first, lol. amazes me that no matter how many times i read this shit, i get so worked up every time like. not even from a mitch marner fan perspective sometimes but just from the sheer lack of fucking LOGIC and then seeing hundreds to thousands of people agree? like bro this is really partially the worst fanbase in the league, lol. i am NOT ride or die with all of you stupid fucks, that's for sure.
even yesterday i was just seeing stats about how he and mo were at the top of the list of most pass to shot attempts made in the oz so far in the ENTIRE playoffs and i'm like ????????????? you'd think he was doing NOTHING just bc his linemates can't put it in, lol. i'm so tired of people saying 'the second mitch is on a non-leaf team, he'll win a cup with them' even as defense of mitch from the fanbase bc like. he's not going anywhere?????? he's got a nmc like what are we even hypothetically discussing??????? him for WHICH stud dman on the market??? letting him walk and pissing off your franchise star center while you're at it???? like what. anyway. the extension with a raise is going to hit so hard after all the 'mitch can only stay if he takes a discount' too fhijdsklfejds.
#easks#bro ill watch a team where 5 players take half the cap for the rest of eternity#i dont give a fuck#hope it stops the leafs from re-signing some guys too just to piss off the worst part of the fanbase even MORE#god.#cant even fully enjoy the leafs success bc it will somehow still be abt how mitch marner isnt good enough#which in turn makes me wanna see the leafs never win the cup just to fuck those ppl over. ok but i want 1634 cup. fkldsjklf#im not a crest above everyone type person lol#im here for mitch and auston and have attachment to some other guys but oh man#its glg forever bc my guys are gonna be leafs forever#not bc im rooting for the leafs no matter what . lmfao#ik its bc im not local that im not ride or die in the same way but i love those guys so much and am loyal to them#and will be loyal to the team they play for with no issue#i just hate such a huge section of leaf fans it makes it impossible to feel kinship lol
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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local silly goofer was seething with rage and dumped it all in the tags, read at your own risk :3 <- personal stuff, wrote this after the tags, pretty okay now, just got it out of my system, love yall <3<3<3
#BITE BITE BITE RAGE RAGE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#<- same old same old ITS BEEN A FREAKING WHILE#my dad is so infuriating yall :D#i dont have it in me to hate him but boi? HES TRYING!!!!!#like; do you HEAR YOURSELF??? IS A SINGLE WORD THATS COMING FROM YOUR MOUTH BEING PROCESSED BY YOUR BRAIN????#YOU PRIDE YOURSELF IN ALWAYS BEING THE SMARTEST ONE IN THE ROOM#sure; intelligence wise; probably; but emotionally? a speck of dust outnumbers you-#WINNING AN ARGUMENT FOR THE SAKE OF BEING RIGHT WITHOUT REGARD FOR ANYONE ELSE-#THINKING EVERYONE SHOULD BE AS COLD AS YOU; AND IF THEYRE NOT; IF GOD FORBID THEY SHOW TOO MUCH EMOTION#THEN PHYSICAL ABUSE IS JUSTIFIED??#THAT´S NOT A GOOD FUCKING ARGUMENT!!!!#NOT EVERY ARGUMENT HAS TO BE WON; YOU DONT ALWAYS NEED THE UPPER HAND!!!!#the shitty way you were treated and raised should not be my fucking problem and i hope you get therapy about it#and then i´ll regret not being closer to him whenever he dies; but hes making it unmeasurably hard to consider being vulnerable#AGHHH-#this man has never apologized for a single thing is his damn life btw :3!#vent#*inhale*#sorry yall i´m good; just full of rage rn :D!#i spilled a cup of juice at church today and things got waay out of hand lmaoo
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no, i dont think im obligated to still small talk an hour into my meet up with a friend group ive been a part of for 2 years, and i dont think im overreacting or showing a lack of loyalty when im unsatisfied with such a conversation. As someone who hates small talk, that friend group isn't for me, and i get nothing from it, and i will choose not to feel like a weirdo (derogatory) or a traitor (..because we didn't promise each other we'd be together forever afaik), for being unsatisfied and leaving. ive shown them affection (that i didnt fully feel) for as long as i could
#switching to small talk bc i dont vibe with them is something my mom suggested#i know they feel the same but even then i think it feels bad to suddenly end it.#probably bc i dont want them to see how bad id treat them if we werent friends. i dont want them to hate me even more#but also i have to come to terms with the fact i will have no friend group if things go this way#because i dont talk to ppl and better ppl wont magically materialise in my dms#or on the lone forest bench i sit on when biking or at the rpg sessions i go to. bc people there are never my type#ppl on the bench are too rich and sporty and ppl on the rpg are too sigma male#im pretty much only hoping ill meet people in college or at art classes irl. or a convention but i didnt even have time to go this year#i should start meeting ppl online but if i dont show my face (online games) it usually doesnt go anywhere#and if i do show my face (tinder) and i mess up (like you do on tinder which is a risky place)#im losing the limited queer people in my city forever. im using up a very finite resource#i could go to meet ppl on tumblr but we will never go to voice call bc its not what you do here#conclusion: what i should do is join more random fandom discords thru tumblr and wait til theyre on call#(<- option A.)#or wait til im in some classes and join a discord with people from my school but not my class#(<- option B.)#however i dont even want to talk to people#fuck people. im tired of people#theres a number of ways i could make friends but i hate everyone i meet and am constantly pissed off and dissatisfied#i may just be aplatonic#its hard to come to terms with
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