#i just got my first panic attack in....years and i honestly forgot how fucking terrifying it is

[lucinx-moved]

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[luv-xoxo]

Lifesaver ~ Vinnie Hacker

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TW: attempt of sexual assault, some swearing idk that's all I think

Yn

So there's the thing, my dumb ass forgot my wallet home and right now my phone is dead, meaning I have to walk back home from the library, which would be fine if it wasn't pitch black outside. I decided to be brave and I started walking. Everything was going alright the first 15 minutes. That's until I passed by a group of guys that looked at least 4 years older than me may I add, as I passed by them they start whistling at me and calling me to go over and have fun with them, my heart is beating so fast and I honestly feel like I am about to have a panic attack. What I least expected was that two of them started to follow me. I didn't realize that until a hand grabbed me yanking me back "come on sweetheart we want to make you feel good", " No please let go of me" By now I had tears streaming down my face and he laughed, his friend wasn't here yet he was a few meters back so I had to think quick. I kneed him on his dick and took off running. They were chasing after me and I was starting to feel tired, when I spotted a boy leaning on a pretty car I decided to take my chance so I ran and crashed him into a hug. "Please play along they are chasing me" I sobbed into his chest.

Vinnies pov

I was scrolling through my phone waiting in the boys to come back with food, when someone ran into me hugging me, at first I thought it was a fan but then the person spoke "Please play along they are chasing me" Her voice was so shaky and blended with sobs I could barely understand what she was saying, I quickly hugged her "it's okay I got you" I whispered to her, not really knowing what to do in a situation like that. Soon enough I saw same guys running towards us we'll more likely her, so I pushed her behind me "need something" I spat rudely at the pieces of shit that were chasing down a female only weak bitches do disgusting shit like that. "Mind your business pretty boy and give me my girlfriend back" One of then said and I felt the girl shaking her head " You got the wrong girl dude now I would appreciate it if you fucked off and stop scaring MY girl" I said ready to throw hands. "Oh sorry our bad dude" They said leaving. When they were away I turned to see the girl and God she was beautiful "hey are you alright? Here let me get you some water" I said leading her to sit on the passengers seat and handing her some water. "Yeah i- thank you" She said trying to stop crying. "Of course" I said softly I didn't have the chance to say something else bc I heard the voices from the boys coming back .

"Yooo V man,who's your lady friend" Thomas shouted which made the girl flinch. "Hey can you wait here for a second" I asked her and she nodded. I got up and walked to the boys explaining quickly what happened. They were understanding and waited over Thomas's car till I took care of the girl. I walked back to her and she clearly looked terrified it made me so angry who in their right mindset could make someone to feel like that?

"Hey would you like me to call you an Uber or do you want to call someone to take you home", " No I m gonna walk I - I forgot my wallet and well I just moved here alone so..." She trailed. Dang that's so unlucky of her but what I know for sure is I m not letting her walk alone right now "it's okay I can pay for your Uber", " No I can't accept that plus you already helped me a lot" , "alright then let me drive you home", " I don't wanna bother you, you don't have to get out of your way to drive me home" , " Oh woman you are stubborn! How about that I drive you home and you have to go out with me as a thank you" I said "alright only cause I m scared to walk all the way to my house" She smiled "good" I smiled "thank you.. ", " Vinnie my name is Vinnie " I smiled "thank you Vinnie, I am yn", I smiled " A pretty name for a pretty girl" With that I left to tell the others that they shouldn't wait on me and return to the car, got in and drive her home.

[small-gremlin-thing]

MY THOUGHTS ON TOH S2E16 & AMPHIBIA S3E15:

AAA SORRY THIS IS SO LATE! I was super busy today and got hella sidetracked, my apologies!

The Owl House:

This episode Hurt. Good news is, the theories of Belos being Phillip and Hunter being a grimwalker were confirmed! Bad news is, the theories of Belos being Phillip and Hunter being a grimwalker were confirmed. Not to mention Luz had a whole ass mental breakdown after finding out she unintentionally and inadvertently helped Belos, Hunter nearly died and had a panic attack before running off into the woods, Belos was shown to be a gaslighting, brother-killing, witch-hunting, genocidal maniac, and the collector is a creepy little fuck that encourages him! I fear for what we have in store. In the best way possible, WHAT THE FUCK DANA??

Amphibia:

After the Owl House episode, I really needed a lighthearted episode like this one. I loved the fact that they parodied Robin Hood: Men in Tights for the first half, it was a genuinely good running joke (or let me rephrase, my mom loved the parody). I also noticed how Anne asked permission to approach the judge robot’s bench, 10/10 court etiquette, as a mock trial kid I applaud the writers. Plus, the fact that Anne was finally able to convince Tritonio to actually ya know, have loyalties, after however many years is just so Anne. The second half was also great, I honestly forgot how long ago Domino 2 was in the show but here she is again! MothmAnne AU confirmed I guess. Sidenote, shoutout to the creators of the MothmAnne AU, it’s a good fic, I highly recommend it!

All in all, knowing what just happened in both shows and roughly knowing what’s coming next, I am TERRIFIED for next week /pos.

[poisonedapples]

Roman Gets Help 1/5: Bad Nights

Part One: Virgil

Part Summary: Roman is always trying to make his anxiety more manageable with a bunch of different tactics. But a disorder is a disorder, and some days are worse than others. But at least his best friend Virgil is around to help.

Part of the Service Dog AU!

Pairings: Platonic Prinxiety

Warnings: Past panic attacks, medication, anxiety, Remus making poop jokes because he’s Remus, swearing and food mentions

Word Count: 2,751

Taglist: @hold-our-destiny @pricklyfish777 @romansleftshoulderpad

Notes: Cornybird on Ao3 deserves Many Squishmallows for editing so much of my stuff, including this. So send visual squishmallow vibes to her, she deserves it

Virgil really should have known something was weird when Roman didn’t text back.

The two had made plans during lunch to meet up at Roman’s house so he could help with Virgil’s Spanish homework. Roman was infinitely better with language stuff than Virgil could ever dream to be, and even when the work was done, it was always nice to hang out in his room and get away from his wild parents every once in a while. But since Roman left school early and Virgil had to stay after for band practice, he hadn’t heard or seen Roman in a while.

That in itself wasn’t weird, though. What was weird was that when Virgil texted him that he was on his way, Roman didn’t respond. Not even with an emoji reaction or a simple ‘okay’. But even then, what was even weirder was that Virgil was right outside his door, texting Roman to open it for him, and he still wasn’t responding.

Virgil checked the last three messages he sent to Roman’s phone. All of them were marked as delivered but not read, which was also very concerning. What could Roman be doing that he hadn’t checked his phone in thirty minutes? Virgil got anxious when he didn’t read messages immediately, let alone waiting half an hour.

Virgil sent him one last text before putting his phone away. You there? I’m outside.

No response. Virgil knocked on the door and shoved his hands in his pockets, waiting and shifting on his feet for someone to open the door. After a couple minutes, he started to think Roman had just forgotten.

However, a slight spark of hope rose up in him at the sound of the front door opening. But when Virgil looked up from his shoes to the person at the door, he felt his shoulders sag.

It wasn’t Roman who had opened the door. There was no shy and apologetic smile with Princess right under his feet. Instead, it was his bastard brother in ripped jeans and a green tank top, blowing bubblegum like a bully in a 90s Nickelodeon show.

“Well if it isn’t my favorite emo! What brings you here, Raven Way?” Remus asked, leaning on the door frame with a cocky smile.

Virgil rolled his eyes. “You’ve already used that one.”

“It’s my favorite nickname for you. It’s the perfect brand of insulting. It has spice to it.”

“I’m glad you’re entertained then. Is Roman out somewhere?”

Remus cocked an eyebrow. “No, he’s been up in his room. Last I checked he was as passed out as a corpse.”

“Okay...can I come in then?”

Remus smiled and opened the door for Virgil, taking a bow as he stepped inside. Virgil rolled his eyes again. This guy is so fucking weird. “You know where his room and the shitter is. Just follow the trail of dog hair to his royal highness.”

“You terrify me, Remus.”

“Good! That’s the aesthetic I’m going for. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a bigass thing of chili dip in the fridge that may or may not be expired. We’ll see!” Virgil’s eyes narrowed as Remus skipped back to the kitchen and right to the fridge, but he really didn’t want to be around for that mess. Instead, Virgil went upstairs and turned left to Roman’s room, the colorful Disney decorations covering his door. Virgil knocked twice, but when met with no answer, he came inside anyway.

The first thing Virgil noticed was the lights. The windows and blinds were shut tight so no sunlight could get through while Roman’s fairy lights around his room were turned on. The soft twinkling gave the room a feeling of calmness, but the sight on the bed was more concerning than tranquil. Princess was sat down on top of the bed comforter with two arms wrapped around her, Roman blending in with the sheets he was under as he shoved his face in his dog’s fur. At least she didn’t seem to mind.

Roman looked up at the sound of the door opening. Virgil felt his heart sink when he saw the tear streaks down his face and his messed up hair, but Roman tried his best to respond to Virgil anyway. “Hey…”

Virgil took off his shoes and threw his backpack onto the floor next to the door. “Hey, dude. You look like shit.”

Roman made a strange huff sound, probably meant to be a laugh. “Thanks.”

He buried his face back into Princess’ fur, and Virgil felt that pang of worry grow stronger. He moved to the other side of the bed, sitting alongside Roman and his pile of blankets and pillows. “You okay?”

Roman shrugged. “I’m doing better.”

“What happened?”

“Panic attack.”

Virgil sucked the air through his teeth as a way to say yikes. “Seems like it was a pretty bad one.”

Princess rolled over onto Roman’s chest, and Roman cuddled even closer than what Virgil thought was possible. He looked so small when he did that. “Worse than usual.”

“Do you know what caused it?”

“No. Sometimes it just happens.” Roman kissed the top of Princess’ head. “Anxiety just...does that.”

“Yeah, I get it. Trust me, out of everyone you know, I’d probably be the one to understand it the most.”

“...Yeah.”

An awkward silence fell between the two of them. Virgil didn’t actually know what to do when Roman was like this. He’s stopped him from having panic attacks in the past, but he’d never seen him look this bad. Roman was curled in on himself under the covers, gripping onto Princess for dear life in an attempt to soothe himself. His pile of stuffed animals usually spread around the bed were now in a giant pile around his body, and his weighted blanket poked out from under the comforter too. It looked like he was trying his hardest to get comfortable, and Virgil didn’t know what else he could do. A distraction? A nap?

Well, only one way to find out.

Virgil took a deep breath in. “...Is there any way I can help?”

Roman shrugged again. “Not that I know.”

“Did you take a nap? That usually helps me the most.”

“I just woke up. My meds knocked me out.”

“Your meds?”

Roman took a pill bottle from his nightstand and showed it to Virgil. He read the confusing label that all medicine bottles have, but the name of the pills was long and unfamiliar in Virgil’s mind. Roman placed them back once Virgil got a good look and curled in on himself more. “Panic attack meds. They help you calm down really quick when you’re having an attack. They always put me to sleep after. Remus likes to call them my tranquilizer dart.”

Virgil snorted. “I mean...accurate name. I’ve just never seen you with those before.”

“I only take them on bad days. My therapist warned me about how I shouldn’t take them after every panic attack, because then I’ll never learn how to deal with them on my own, and I might get addicted. Which I’d rather not.”

“Yeah, I know about the addiction thing. I used to be on anti-anxiety until last year.”

Roman tilted his head up to look at Virgil for the first time. “Really?”

“Yup. I got eased off them after a while, though. Now I just take an antidepressant, which honestly isn’t much. I think everyone in our friend group is on some kind of meds.”

“...Patton?” Roman asked.

“Patton’s one depressed mother fucker. I say that out of love, but yes, he’s also on antidepressants.”

“And Logan?”

“...Dude. Epilepsy.”

Roman let out a silent oh. “...I forgot you take meds for that.”

“Our brains are fucked up and we accept this.”

Roman flashed a small smile but didn’t respond. After that, the two had fell silent as Virgil awkwardly patted a beat on his leg to put his nervous fidgeting to use.

What do you do for someone getting out of a panic attack? It was obvious Roman wasn’t in a talking mood, but it was killing him inside to just...sit there while he looked so helpless. But he’d never had to deal with this with a friend before. The worst he’d dealt with were Patton’s bad depression days, and those had nothing on how horrible Roman looked right now. And if he already took a nap...what else were you supposed to do after a panic attack?

Virgil thought back to his own experiences. Of course, Virgil’s anxiety was nothing compared to Roman’s, but it was better than nothing. And comfort worked no matter how bad you felt, even if it was only a little.

He thought back to his own parents. How his mom would hold him and let him cry into his shoulder if he needed to, but that was too awkward for him to do with Roman. His dad would let him curl up and watch him play games on the console, which could maybe work…

...Then Virgil remembered another thing his mom did once after one of his worst panic attacks. It might be a bit embarrassing because of intimacy, but it would help Roman feel better. And that’s all that matters.

“I’m gonna go get some stuff, okay?” Virgil said, “You stay right here.”

Roman hummed. “Wasn’t planning on going anywhere, but okay.”

With that, Virgil hopped out of Roman’s bed and left the bedroom.

First, he needed a water bottle. Roman probably had some water when he took his meds, but it likely wasn’t enough to stop a headache after all the crying. Virgil went downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. While he was there, he looked through the rest of the fridge and noticed that there was no container of chili dip in there anymore. Gross.

Expired chili dip aside, he would need a face rag as well. Virgil went through a hallway on the first floor to the older bathroom downstairs, looking through the drawers for a decent cloth. A small one was hidden in the back of the drawer with some bottles of face wash and lotion, so Virgil grabbed that and took a mental note to put it back later. He stood in front of the faucet and stared at it for a while.

Was cold or hot water better for getting tears off someone’s face? Warm water seemed like it’d be more comfortable, but cold water could also be more refreshing. He thought about the possibilities for a while and settled on warm based on his own preferences, turning the hot and cold handles to where the water was only slightly warm, wetting a side of the cloth then turning the faucet off.

Before he left the bathroom, Virgil grabbed a couple squares of toilet paper and then headed out the door. He was back in Roman’s room not even five minutes later, setting his stuff on the nightstand for a second as he grabbed his DS from his bag and turned it on. Roman glanced up from the bed with a confused look, but didn’t say anything. Virgil came back next to the bed and motioned for Roman to move to the middle. Reluctantly, and with some shifting of Princess still at his side, Roman did so.

Virgil sat in Roman’s old spot and grabbed the wad of toilet paper. “Here, sit up and blow your nose. The last thing you need right now is more breathing problems.”

Roman grunted as she shimmied out from under his weighted blanket to sit up against the headboard of his bed. He took the toilet paper from Virgil and blew. “...Thanks.”

“No problem. Now just stick with me for this next part, because I’m not good with touchy-touchy shit, so this’ll be a little awkward.”

Roman gave Virgil a confused look, but he didn’t say anything. He grabbed the damp cloth and silently tilted Roman’s head to face him. Virgil tentatively lifted the cloth to his face and wiped the tears from under his eyes, the gesture mixed with the warm water making Roman hum in content. Virgil didn’t acknowledge what was happening, he just wiped off his friend’s face, flipping to the dry part of the cloth to dry him off after.

“There. That should help you feel less gross, anyway.”

“Thanks...it helped.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it.” Virgil set the cloth to the side and handed Roman the water bottle. “And drink this, it’ll help with that nasty headache you probably have.”

Roman twisted the cap open and chugged the bottle, finishing half of it in record speed before putting it down again. Virgil could tell by how fast he chugged it that his head was probably throbbing.

“Feeling a little better now?” Roman nodded. “Wanna watch me play Harvest Moon until you probably pass out again?”

He nodded again, Virgil scooting closer to him so Roman could place his head on his shoulder as he watched. His hand combed through Princess’ fur as Princess trapped the other under her paw to lick. Most people would think it was gross, but considering licking was one of her grounding techniques, he was desensitized to it by now. “Which one do you have?”

“A New Beginning. I’ll show you all my cows because they’re bomb as fuck. My first cow is named Oven and I have a baby one named Chaos.”

Roman laughed as Virgil started up the game. “Awesome. You play it often?”

“Eh, sometimes. It’s not my favorite game, but I carry it with me because it’s good for calming anxiety down. All I gotta do is feed my animals and mine and shit. Nothing else matters, you know?”

Roman nodded as best he could from Virgil’s shoulder. Virgil loaded up his save file and started to show Roman around his farm, mostly skipping the crops and going straight to the pets and farm animals with the most ridiculous names Virgil could get away with using only six letters. Virgil chatted away about his game and read all the speech bubbles out loud, showing off his wife who he swears he married platonically since his character was obviously gay and talking about his rivalry with the hair stylist. Roman wasn’t responding much, just a few hums and little laughs here and there, but Virgil didn’t mind. So long as his friend was feeling better, that was all that mattered.

A while later, Virgil was baking desserts for a contest being held in town when he spoke up again. “I’m shit at cooking good stuff in this game, but I can make some neat pancakes, apparently. I’m gonna make this contest my bitch.”

There was no response. That wasn’t very strange in itself, but usually when Virgil sweared, Roman at least made a small huff of a laugh from his shoulder. But this time, he was completely quiet. Virgil looked over at his shoulder when he almost awwww’ed out loud.

Roman had fallen back asleep, his mouth open slightly with his arms cuddling Princess extra close as she seemed to relax alongside him. He was adorable, and in a moment of softness that Virgil would deny to the end of his days, he helped Roman to lay back in bed and brushed the hair out of his face. Roman still clung slightly to him even as he slept, so Virgil accepted his fate and moved to curl up alongside him, continuing his game with a smile on his face.

“Your sleep schedule is gonna be absolutely fucked, dude.” Virgil said. There was no response, obviously, and Virgil didn’t talk to his sleeping friend after that. He just took a mental note to tell his parents he was staying the night before it got too late and kept caring for his farm.

Maybe later he’d wake Roman up and get him some dinner, letting him recharge and take a shower before they actually had to go to bed. He’d be too awake to actually sleep at first, but the company of his friend and the comfort of his dog would keep him calm through that, even when Roman hated being awake past eleven. Patton may even find out and tease Virgil about having a heart after all, which Virgil would deny until the end of his days. But his edgy reputation wasn’t what mattered right now.

Instead, Virgil smiled and cuddled closer as Roman slept peacefully.

[pale-goblin]

A Little Twisted.

Chapter One: The King

Co written w/ @desertdwellerdanny

  It was late, later then Steve wanted to leave work. Working for his father’s business had been the worst mistake of his life. The long hours, business trips, and paperwork killed him. The only thing that added fun to his life was his body count and not in a sex way. Every business trip, he left a crime scene behind; it was an excellent hobby, a fun game. 

As Steve unlocked his car that was parked in the darkness of the street, he heard sounds coming from the alleyway—harsh breaths and muffled screams paired with the tell-tell sounds of struggle. There, barely visible in the alley between two abandoned shops, was a tall man dressed in dark denim and golden strands that fell over his shoulders in beautiful curls. He was pretty, despite, or maybe because of, the deep scowl etched into his features. The closer Steve looked, it seemed there was another person there, pushed up against the man and the dirty brick of the wall.

The curiosity got the better of him, and rather than sidle back into his car to drive 40 minutes to a dull house with boring people and boring television; he found his feet carrying him closer. Steve was friends with the shadows, staying well within them to edge closer to the struggle. It was when he had just made it to the opening of the alley that he heard the all-too-familiar crunch of bone and a strangled scream for help that sounded more gurgle than yell. The man was standing, staring down at the body and the bloodied mess he’d made of the wall and his hands. Shining, wet blood covered the front of him, splatters adorning the smooth skin of his face.

It was gorgeous. He was gorgeous.

Steve watched the rage boiling in the man’s face turn sour, listening to him swear under his breath. His blood-covered hands reaching for his blonde curls to smooth it out of his face. Steve smiled in the alley’s dim light. Seeing the reaction of a man’s first kill was titillating to witness. 

Steve’s first kill was cleaner, more planned, and he was 12. He had many years to fine-tune his skills and make sure he was hidden from people’s noses, Of course, unless he was too excited like now. Steve hadn’t noticed the can at his feet which he kicked into the dead body when he shifted his weight. 

The man got spooked, and in fear of losing this beautiful man, he put his hands up, showing himself.

“Wait, Wait, don’t run.”

The man’s hands were shaking, slight tremors running up and down his spine as he took Steve in. Those sharp, light eyes dragged over his suit-clad figure, and if Steve had been the type of man to blush, his cheeks would be dusted pink with the intense attention the man gave him.

“Who- I didn’t. He was,” his voice cracked, wide, terrified eyes looking down at the bloodied mess the victim’s face was, “What did I do?”

“Looks like you killed him,” Steve said calmly, eyeing the man’s messy job. “Poorly, I might add,” Steve kneeled, being careful not to get blood on himself. “Good spot though, dark alley, broken cameras.” Steve eyed the area, breaking it down for himself to see how easy this would be to cover up.

The man’s eyebrows furrowed, his body screamed defensive, waiting for Steve to shout or call the cops or something. But he didn’t.

“Who are you?” He spat, top lip pulling up into a snarl. He looked like a cornered animal, faced with a variable that had the ability to ruin him. Hell, he’d murdered someone in a blind rage—he’d already been ruined if it wasn’t for Steve, and isn’t that a nice little bit of luck.

Steve smiled when he locked gazes with the fear-filled blue of the man’s eyes. “Seems like I’m your guardian angel.” Steve winked—the excitement building in his chest was impressive; honestly, he was kind of turned on by all of this. “Wait here; I have a kit in my car. I promise I’m here to help you.”

The man stood flabbergasted, the blood coating the front of his shirt and up and down his arms starting to chill with the cold wind. Steve turned and made his way back to his car, nonchalant and even a slight spring in his step, the blond stranger left in the disturbing quiet of the alley. The silence was deafening, and it roared in the man’s ears.

Steve returned moments later, holding a large black case, wearing a rudder-looking apron and gloves. He had a smile on his face that seemed not to fade. "Can I ask you some questions? About this friend of yours, about tonight?" Steve placed the case on the ground, wondering if this was weird for him, this well-dressed stranger who happens to be a psychopathic murderer. "What's your name?”

The man’s mouth dropped open a bit, taking Steve even before giving a small, unbelieving chuckle and mumbling what the fuck under his breath. “You’re a nutcase, aren’t you?” He gave Steve a cautious side-eye before facing him head-on, meeting his gaze, “You can call me Neil. And that,” he said, pointing at the body, “is not my friend. But ask away if you gotta.”

Steve completely ignored Neil's stab at him for being 'crazy' Steve wasn't crazy—far from it.

"Did you have sex with him?" Steve mumbled as he pulled out a plastic sheet from his case and laid it on the ground.

Billy licked his lips nervously, hands tightening into fists at his side. “No! N-no,” he hesitated, stomach rolling uncomfortably at recalling what had made him do… this… in the first place, “He was trying to— he put something in my drink. But it must’ve been weak or some shit because I could still move. Kinda. I came-to here and kinda, just,” his nostrils flared with fury, eyes even beginning to blur with tears just remembering. He didn’t want to remember. “I didn’t give him the chance to.”

Steve snorted at himself as he dragged the body onto the sheet. Not at Neil's misfortune but the fact that he helped throw the defense case out the window if he got caught. "Then good riddance to this ass hole--" Steve went through the victim’s pants, pulling out a wallet but no car keys. Sad, he couldn't make it look like a car crash. "-- Mr. Bates." Steve read the ID in the wallet, pressing his lips together with a chuckle, "not anymore."

“Bates? That’s his name?” Neil gave an unbelieving laugh, giggles pouring out of him, quickly turning into hysterics, “Oh god. I’m sorry, it’s just. Like that one movie? American Psycho? Bates?” He covered his mouth with a trembling hand to quiet the chuckles forcing their way out of him, “Guess it’s not him that’s the killer this time, though.”

Steve loved hearing the laughter pouring out of Neil's mouth. It was sweet and gave Steve goosebumps just listening to it echo off the walls. He kind of forgot to give his name. He was still tied up in the blood and the blue of this man's eyes. "I'm Ste--no- uh Steve" Steve stumbled the words out of his mouth, giving Neil his real name with so much trust. His beautiful face was throwing Steve off his game.

Neil squinted at him, chuckles finally calming down a bit as he watched Steve work. “Steve,” he said slowly as if testing how the name tasted on his tongue. He must’ve approved because he nodded once before leaning back against the wall opposite to where he’d bashed the man’s head in and slid to the ground. He stretched his legs out, his foot just barely touching the body’s foot, and gave a little kick before letting his head thump back against the brick. “Well, what the fuck are we gonna do, Steve.”

        "Well, I'm taking this man home with me" Steve rolled the guy in the plastic sheet just not to make a mess of his car. "Since this was not planned, I will have to figure out how to get rid of the body, but we will clean up the blood and…" Steve's eyes flicked over Neil's body as he sat on the ground, which made Steve let out a disappointed sigh "...and we will get you cleaned up at my house."

“You’re literally helping hide a murder right now,” Neil raised an eyebrow at him, weariness pulling his features down and narrowing his eyes, “Why, pray tell, the fuck should I trust you enough to get into your car?”

Neil was on edge, hackles raised and expecting the worst from Steve. He’d narrowly avoided being attacked already tonight and instead managed to become a murderer in that short amount of time. 

“For one, you don’t have to trust me, and I don’t expect you too” Steve pulled a spray bottle out of the case. “But I’m the only chance you have right now” Steve kind of felt like he was

forcing Neil to come with him, but he wasn’t. If Steve wanted to have his way, Neil would have been knocked out and hogtied in the back of his car. Steve started cleaning the blood off the walls taking his time even though no one probably came down here much unless they were also criminals. 

Neil let his head thump back against the wall again, closing his eyes. His stomach was cramping with anxiety, and he still felt sick from earlier—the panic and disgust of being so vulnerable settled like lead in his chest.

“Maybe,” he peeked one eye open, lazily watching Steve scrub and spray at the chunky red mess on the wall, “Once I know for sure you’re not gonna fuck me over.” Neil still felt the fear clawing its way up from his chest, and yet in that mess of emotions, not one of them was guilt over what he had done. It had felt...right to kill him. Good, even.

Steve enjoyed the clean-up more than the kill itself; it added some kind of normal part to it for him. Steve never felt guilt but knew he wasn’t normal, but he didn’t care if he was. Steve looked back at the guy exhausted against the wall of the alley. “The anxiety will pass,” Steve mumbled, giving him a shy smile. “Then you will taste true freedom.”

Neil snorted, taking a deep, shuddering breath. “You sound like you’ve done this before, pretty boy. Run into a lot of murders, do you?”

Steve laughed. “I don’t run into a lot. It’s not like we have a club or anything,” Steve cleaned up the last bit on the wall before moving to where the body has been sitting. “But, I have done this before, 42 times counting helping you; I’ve even got a fancy killer name now.” 

Neil’s eyebrows shot up, face sobering, “Really now?” He looked nervous. Funny almost, like there’s a difference between killing 42 or 1 with his bare hands. “And what would that be? How so many?”

Steve licked his lips as he looked up at Neil. “They call me the King; I haven’t been caught because I don’t kill in the same city twice in the same year. They only connected the dots a few months ago.”

Neil’s eyes grew big, mouth propping open as he took in the killer who had just started to take over just about every news story as of late. “Holy fuck. Bullshit.” he sat up against the wall, pushing up off of it to stride over to Steve as if getting a better look at the man would help him make the connection to a faceless serial killer. “And you’re helping me? Now?” his face screwed up in confusion, taking yet another step towards Steve, “Why?” he said quietly, peering into his eyes as if trying to find the answers to all the questions clogging his brain there.

Steve shrugged. “My life is boring, and you’re just the excitement I needed today.” Steve stood up and finally finished the rest of the work. He watched Neil check him out, trying to figure out what was not very hard if you knew how to look. “Do I scare you?”

Neil didn’t answer right away, keeping his intense eye contact and considering the question with a low hum. “No. You don’t.” He settled on, stating it firmly and with conviction. Steve was terrifying, but the shine in Neil’s eye confirms that he would rather die than let him know that.

Steve made a face when he looked interested more than he was before in Neil. "Well, come on then" Steve put his stuff away, closing the case up and handing it to Neil with a wink, "unless you want to get caught, that is" Steve smiled faded at the possibility that Neil could just say no and run, but Steve would make sure his actions had consequences.

Fortunately, it seemed Neil had better common sense than that and hesitantly stepped forward to take the case. “You look like you know what you’re doing. I’d rather take your lead than to spend the next 30 years in prison.” Neil replied in perfect deadpan. He wasn’t a fool—he knew what happens to boys like him if he was targeted before being in a building full of men with his being as pretty as he was… well, that’s just asking for trouble, isn’t it?

Steve smiled. "Smart boy." Honestly, Steve would have so much fun with this guy; maybe they would even kill together. Hmm, the idea of that, the excitement of it. 

Steve picked up the body, throwing it over his shoulders like it was nothing to him--it was unfortunate he would have to get rid of his suit because of this. Hunting in clothes you wear is never a good idea with fibers getting everywhere. 

"My car's not far."

Neil slowed, eying how easily Steve had manhandled a grown man’s dead weight. He wasn’t sure if that added to the intimidation or stirred something in him. Neil gave his head a slight shake before gripping the case in his hands tighter and following Steve back out to his car.

It was a fancy thing, sleek black and probably more expensive than Neil had ever owned or even touched.

Steve opened the trunk of the car and placed the body down into it. Honestly, all of this tonight made him yearn for another hunt, but he wasn't going on another trip for a few weeks. 

Steve let out a sigh as he grabbed the case from Neil and put it in with the body, and removed the extra attire he was wearing. 

"Get in the back seat. I already put a sheet down for you" Steve opened the back door like a gentleman. Steve wondered what Neil was feeling, how much excitement was kicking in? Did he feel good? Steve always enjoyed the thrill of it all, but he wanted to know how other people thought.

Neil pulled a face at his commanding tone, but climbed in anyway, face passive save for his ears’ tips that flushed a pretty red. “M, not a damn dog, yknow,” he mumbled out, although he understood the reasoning given the front of his shirt was splattered in blood.

He shuffled in, careful not to touch anything that wasn't the plastic sheet lining the inside of the car. “What’re you going to do with him?” he asked quietly, the meekest Steve’s seen him all night. 

Steve got out into the car’s front seat and fixed his mirror to see Neil in the back seat, getting to see him in a slightly better light before the overhead light in the car went out as he turned the car on. “Well, dump his body somewhere in a few days,” Steve smiled, thinking about how he could take credit for it. “Maybe cut something into his skin, take the top of his skull, and put it on my wall.”

It’s not something that’s been disclosed by the cops yet, at least not officially. Reporters have spread the news like cockroaches in hidden corners, whispering about how the serial killer King takes the crown of the victims’ scalps. It’s terrifying, really. Neil narrows his eyes a smidge.

“Why do you do it?”

Steve had never thought about why he did what he did; he only started doing it three victims into this game of his. Sometimes he does it when the people are still alive, watching the fear dripping from their eyes until the shock sets in. 

“They don’t deserve a crown.”

Neil hummed, “Who deserves a crown, then?”

Steve pulled out of the parking spot, locking eyes with Neil in the mirror. “I do.”

Neil held his gaze—feeling trapped by Steve’s shockingly clear brown eyes, and yet he felt no struggle or want to break out of it.

Neil is prey. Interesting, pretty, entertaining prey.

And Steve was going to eat him alive just to force him to submit to him. To admit how scared he is of The King.

Co written w/ @desertdwellerdanny

[cookinguptales]

A long post about having undiagnosed ADHD as a little girl. And how we all need to talk a hell of a lot more about Reaction Sensitive Dysphoria.

(cw: mental illness, childhood punishment, discussions of childhood self-harm & suicidal ideation)

When I was a little girl, I was a crybaby. I didn’t know why I’d cry all the time. I just did. Everything always felt catastrophic, even if it was just a disagreement over what to play with my friends. People called me manipulative. I got made fun of at school. I was sent to the school therapist. Hell, the only time I ever had to go to the principal’s office, I was in kindergarten and would not. stop. crying. I was literally sent to the principal’s office for crying too much.

(Note. How did I respond to that? I cried. A lot.)

Here are a few examples of things that made me feel like the world was ending:

Once I came home sobbing and my parents asked me what was wrong. Why was I crying? Because the other kids had called me a crybaby.

Once at daycare (around age six), some older boys were making effigies of their teachers out of play-doh and then smushing them and convinced me to join in. The minute I did, they told me that they were telling my teacher, which made me about lose my damn mind.

I was a voracious reader and often ran out of reading material. Once I sneaked some of my mother’s romance novels that she’d left in the bathroom for light reading. They were Very Adult. I was so scared she’d find out and scold me for reading sexually explicit books.

Now, my parents think these are kind of funny stories. They say that I was very cute. But in truth, I was a nervous wreck. My life was pretty good in most ways, but I’d have these moments that just felt like cascading catastrophes. Anytime someone criticized me or my work or my ideas, the sky would just come crashing down. I’d cry so hard I couldn’t breathe. I’d cry so hard I threw up. I grew out of the crying by about age nine, but that sickening feeling of failure never really left.

About 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Severe ADHD. I believe the doctor’s exact words were “I don’t even know how you graduated from high school”. They tried me on ADHD medicine but it made my heart go dokidoki so I just had to live with being unmedicated. I wasn’t told a lot about ADHD at that point, or how ADHD symptoms differ for women, so I just kind of assumed that it was just focus and that’s it. Brain fog wasn’t exactly new to me, what with my other illnesses, so I figured I’d just live with it.

But about a year ago, I learned about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a fairly common symptom of ADHD that no one ever told me about in my goddamn life! It essentially means that when you are criticized (or perceive something as criticism) by others or by yourself, your brain goes into absolute hyperdrive. You go from zero to “everyone hates me and I deserve that and probably don’t deserve to live too because I am just the worst” over like. literally nothing. And it’s not just like a mental thing you can train yourself out of. It’s characterized by actual physical pain. Y’all, I have anxiety and depression and this is not the same thing. This is your whole body seizing up and your brain going into a maelstrom that’s fairly similar to a panic attack.

Here’s the less cute side to all of those stories:

I had very few friends, and the friends I did have thought I was annoying and manipulative. The more I cried, the more kids stayed away from me.

After the Play-Doh incident, I cried for days. Days. And I was scared of my teacher for weeks. My parents laughed it off as a cute child thing, but none of it was cute for me. The older boys forgot about it by the next day, but it haunted my interactions with that teacher for weeks. It interfered with my education. I was a nervous wreck at school. I was so scared that she would hate me. That I’d be singled out in class. That I’d fail and my whole education would be upended and I’d fail out of school and my parents would hate me too and my life would be over. That’s... a lot for a six year old.

Those romance novels? That was a closely guarded secret that I kept for years. For literal years, I was afraid she’d somehow find out that I’d read those books. I would think of it when I was nine, ten, eleven years old and my whole body would stiffen up. I’d occasionally throw up. I cried about what might happen if my parents ever found out. Would they hate me forever? Yes, probably. They’d never love me again. I was a bad child. I finally told my mom about it a few months ago. I was 29. A small part of me was still scared I’d get in trouble. (My mom laughed about it; she was just like ‘wow, I should have put those books up higher’.)

When I was six, I went to an aftercare at a neighbor’s house for a while. (This predated the other daycare.) One day, one of the kids at aftercare didn’t get off the bus. The lady asked if anyone knew where he was. Trying to be helpful, I said I thought I’d seen him on the bus. (And like -- I really did think I did. But I was six and six year olds are uhhh not smart.) Surprise! He’d actually left school early for a dr’s appt. But she thought he’d missed his bus stop and spent like an hour on the phone figuring out what happened. And y’all. When she realized he hadn’t been on that bus, she was furious. When my other neighbor picked me up for my mom that evening, the lady told her that I was a bad child who’d purposefully lied to scare her. She said I wasn’t allowed to come back. And ohhh guys. I begged my neighbor not to tell my mom. (She did.) And then I begged my mom not to tell my dad. She was honestly kind of alarmed at how vehement I was about dad not knowing. (I was like a shaking, sobbing mess.) She asked me what I thought would happen. idk. Maybe he’d hit me. (My parents never hit me.) Maybe he’d throw me out of the house. Maybe he’d never talk to me again. He’d definitely stop loving me. I was so bad. So, so bad. I was a bad child. No one would ever love me. I was a worthless, bad child.

In short, I was hysterical.

When my parents finally talked to me about it, it was less of a talk about consequences and more talking me off the fucking ledge. They weren’t that concerned about the actual incident; they figured out pretty quickly that I’d just made a mistake. A temporarily scary one, but a mistake all the same. (I basically never misbehaved, so they were kind of confused by the whole situation, honestly.) But they were very concerned about my reaction to it. I knew they loved me, right? I knew that they wouldn’t hurt me, right? Why did I think that was a possibility?

I didn’t know. I still don’t know. It wasn’t rational. It was just my brain exploding into a thousand tiny pieces.

This is not a memory my mom laughs about. I think it really genuinely disturbed her. She’s still angry at that aftercare neighbor for doing that to me. As an adult, I realize that the person who actually fucked up in that scenario was the boy’s mother, who didn’t call to alert aftercare that he wouldn’t be coming. (Funnily enough, that boy’s mother was my first grade teacher -- the one I was so terrified of. Small town. I guess I was scared of her hating me, too.) But as a child, this wasn’t just bad. It was catastrophic. I genuinely considered hurting myself. I was six years old and I considered hurting myself. Suicidal ideation is often part and parcel with RSD. I’ve had to deal with that since elementary school.

RSD is real and it’s terrifying and it’s not unusual in children with ADHD. It’s still a problem that I struggle with. I’ve had friends not answer texts for a while and my brain just. assumes that I said something wrong. And now they hate me. Because I’m a bad person. And my whole body will shake. I’ll sweat. My stomach will roll. My chest will literally hurt like I’m having a heart attack. I still have to blink back those tears. Sometimes I’ll go for a walk to distract myself and burn off all that energy. Sometimes I’ll write a post like this. Sometimes I’ll just lie in bed. Shaking. Trying very hard not to think about doing Bad Things. It’s hard to say how it’ll go until it goes.

(Note: I’m okay right now! I was just talking about this with dad yesterday so I’ve been thinking about it.)

And this is not my friends’ fault! Or my family’s fault. This is no one’s fault. It’s just... mental illness, I guess. It’s hard to predict. Sometimes I can have a calm and reasonable discussion about my faults (which I fully admit exist) and sometimes someone disagrees with me on whether a tv show is good and my brain shits itself. (I’m dumb and stupid and this person probably hates me now! Because I didn’t love Avatar! Why did I open my big mouth? Now our whole relationship is ruined and I ruined it because I am a dumb relationship-ruiner!) Obviously, it gets worse when my physical and mental state is already fragile. I have a lot of chronic physical and mental illnesses, so like... it happens. But it’s very hard to predict, very hard to control, and all you can do is really talk yourself through it when it happens. Breathe. Focus on what’s real and what’s not. Distract yourself. Be as kind to your brain as you can because it will not be kind back.

Talk to people who love you. Try, whenever possible, to be one of those people.

idk. I wish I had concrete advice to finish this off. But it’s more just like... please learn to see the signs, especially in small children. I had far too many strong emotions for a child to figure out on her own. I really could have used some help. It’s too late for my childhood, but not for the other kids who are struggling with similar issues right now.

And if you read this and see yourself in it, do me a solid and talk to your doctor? Your brain might thank you one day.

[wildflowerwattpad0217]

Avenging Riverdale: Riverdale x Avengers/ Sweet Pea x OC!Tony Stark’s Daughter. My Reaction After Completing it and A Year Of Working On It.

This will include spoilers to my fanfic her is the link if you want to read it:

Avenging Riverdale

Masterlist

One paragraph is one chapter.

(not a chapter) Im going to be honest, in my mind their are two sections of Avenging Riverdale. Before my Brain Surgery and after because if you have read my fanfic all the way though, Author Notes and all, you know that I had to stop writing Avenging Riverdale for awhile so that I could focus on healing from that.

A trigger warning, good. Two part cast. Prologue. Tally is in deep shit. Steve picked her up and took her hungover ass to the living room. To Riverdale she goes. The horrible fake screenshots. I stopped doing that though because I couldn't find one for a group chat. Her and Tony's fights are rough. She snuck out to a soup kitchen. I feel bad for abandoning that. Cap found out. Tony put a tracker on her. Wtf but they are getting along. Now the Avengers are worried tho. They are shook they are getting along. After her dad became Iron Man things went downhill in her life.

Welcome to Riverdale. 'Murcia is Cap's group chat name. Short Stark is Tally's and Deadpool just got in it. His is World's Biggest Cry Baby. Peter's explanation of how he knows Deadpool is the most Gen Z thing ever. MJ is Tally's Slut. Tally is MJ's Bitch. Hello Cheryl Blossom.

Bucky has been eating Tally's cereal. She's acting betrayed. Veronica is surprised she didn't kill him. She heard someone mispronounce her name. She corrected them. Betty Copper. Kevin Keller. Kevin is fan-girling. She has blueberries. Jade Keller. Jade is trying to hate on her and her family. Cat Andrews. Jade is dragging her by the wrist while Cat is acting like this is a completely normal thing. Andre Clayton. Jade and Tally would've made a great couple. God damn my crush on Malachi and Sweet Pea. Andre is questioning why Jade just kidnapped Thalia Stark amd why she's at Riverdale High. Tally is questioning why there are so many redheads.

Betty warning Tally about Jade. Song writing with her new friends, Jade, Cat and Andre. She's allergic to roses. She doesn't want to talk about her family problems. The Welcome Back Dance. Archie Andrews. Jade and Tally are dancing together. I swear to god my gay-dar is broken. She rejected Reggie Mantle.

MJ being possessive on insta. Thalia punched Reggie Mantle. It's so weird looking back and seeing Tally not know what's going on her mom. Bucky trying to be a supportive boo. The first mention of Nick St. Clair. Her telling Jade what happened. Jason Blossom's body being found.

Omg, I published chapter 5 for 100 reads. That seems so long ago now that the book is almost at 45k reads. Tony and Pepper are getting married.... I didn't get them married until Endgame. Tony and Tally are going to Pop's. She is not at liberty to answer the question of whether or not she jacker War Machine's suit just so he would do the macarena without a lawyer. Bucky, it's her job to make you feel old.

Hydra nightmare. She's talking to her dad about the nightmare. Then she was like now that we had a hard time going down to the basement to tinker. Whether she wants to admit her or not I wrote her a lot like her dad. Malachi. Malachi obviously cares about Tally. Malachi knows that Nick St Clair hurt Tally. They had sex. I'll be honest with you, I wasn't sure if in the end she was going to end up with Malachi or sweet pea at this point I was still debating it. Malachi kept her hair brush.

Tony just apologized to her for pushing. Jade just stole her for a minute. Malachi left hickeys. I love Tally and Bucky's relationship. Tally is Pepper's maid of Honor. Tony's cooking?

Jade now knows about Malachi. Veronica brought roses in his school and Tally starred sneezing. Tally telling Reggie I don't need the Avengers to kick your ass.

Kevin knows about Malachi now. Nat as chasing Bucky. I love how tally is a moderator for these little fights. Tony is going to spar with Tally, he's going to get his ass kicked so hard. Bucky that $50 on tally. Cap betted $50 on Tony saying that her emotions would get the best of her. Tally won. But Tony is blowing it off like oh I let you win. Thalia Stark got a pep rally who would ever see the day. Tally thinks her dad's hiding something from her. Jughead expected her to have a stick at her ass. I love tally I really miss writing her. It's because of lines like Tony Stark is my dad, iron Man's just suit that just really make me miss her.

That was really sweet and it almost made me cry I forgot I wrote that part. Cheryl just got arrested for lying. Tally proving her genius. Reggie asked her on a date.

The Avengers just found out she's going on a date, they're not exactly happy well, the male Avengers aren't especially since she punched the guy in the face. Pepper is getting emotional. Cap answered the door. Mantle is shook. After the date, he dropped her at home and closed the door before he had a chance to kiss her.

Reggie mantle trying to slut shame tally. She is pissed, she ran into that boy's locker room. She's threatening to expose his dick pics. Which he thinks that it matters that she's not in New York anymore when she's the one with all the security clearance and she's Thalia fucking Stark. The extra points she got just because Reggie met The Avengers. Everyone keeps reminding her murder is illegal. Tally wants to destroy his car, Nat is like go for it and everyone's like Nat, no do not influence her to do this. Rhodey it doesn't think Tony should be supporting her in this. She got her revenge. Mantle is pissed, just actually wanted it. Her dad had a screaming match with the principal.

Malachi is starting to miss her. Toni Topaz. Sweet Pea. Fangs Forgarty. FP Jones. Beck Oliver. And Sweet Pea's nickname is born, Sunflower. Toni loves her. Mantle tried to apologize, but it was a shit apology so she blew him off.

The drive-in is being bought. Malachi wants me to come over after school. Malachi asked her out. He's giving her time to think about it. Family dinner.

Really bad nightmare. Then she had a panic attack because of the nightmare. Tony got pops burgers for breakfast.

Malachi and tally are officially in a relationship. The meeting of the New York friends and the Riverdale friends. Her dad's wearing an iron Man onesie. Steve is wearing Captain America pajamas. Clint is wearing a big bird onesie. Her dad is leaving from New York tomorrow to present an invention and wants her to go.

She is staying in Riverdale. Her dad asked her to stay away from The lodges. Tally you telling off Cheryl. Steve you fucking snitch. Talking about Tally's pranks. Peter is worried about her.

The accords. Tony wants her opinion on it. She thinks it's the most stupid idea ever. The governor wants her to sign it but she's refusing to. He doesn't want her to sign it either. She knows more about her mother than he's talking about. Honestly it is so weird looking back at this and having her mom not being revealed like this.

The accords meeting. Tally just walked out of school to be there. Tony knows he fucked up.

Rest in peace Peggy Carter my queen. Yes Nick, help her stop the fight in a Target parking lot. Tally is such a mom. When tally even bosses the King around, threatening to reveal his internet browser history. She just compared them all the toddlers. She just met Ant-man. Ruby Lodge is her mother.

Ruby Lodge also happens to be Hiram Lodge's little sister. Tally was born in Riverdale. I really abandoned the UN plot line.

Her and Jade are going to sing at the variety show. Take A Hint for the audition tho with Mantle in the crowd. Josie wants to talk to her alone. Veronica is pissed she didn't her they were cousins. Dinner party at the Pembroke.

Deadpool. After the variety show her and Deadpool are on the roof eating chimichangas. She's helping Betty look for her sister. She's going to go clubbing with Veronica, Kevin, Jade, and mantle. Cap is really easy lie to. Malachi is there and he's cheating on her.

She called Malachi a dirty mouthed whore. She just got a package from the Ten Rings. PROJECT INTERMISSION. right now she's thinking Hydra in the 10 rings are working together. She can't go to Polly's baby shower because she's doing some investigating of her own.

Soup kitchen talking to the serpents. Tony just asked what's the tea. Tony has so much faith in his daughter taking over Stark industries it's so sweet. Her and Cheryl are starting over because tally gave her some really good advice about being a female daughter getting ready to become a CEO.

Another letter from the 10 rings. Chuck is back. Jugheads surprise party. I forgot I put Cat's bibble addiction in here. The ones that watched Victorious will know what I'm talking about. I think Tally's birthday present is the best one he is received for a while. Cheryl wanted to know about the scars on her back during the game of secrets and she even it was like exposed herself basically she really didn't care though. To the Southside with Sweet Pea.

They really want to challenge Tally at call of duty. They're playing never have I ever. Toni knows about what happened.

Her mom was a serpent, and she went to the serpent's for help. Everyone is surprised that tally is a serpent by blood.

Her father told the truth. Jade scares Joaquin. That's cute, Sweet Pea thinks he can be tally in a game of pool.

She won. And sweet pea is confused why she is open about almost everything but her ex. They had sex. Tally is saying that they can't date because of everything that's going on and she doesn't want to put him in danger. Tally is in deep shit.

Tony and Tally had a big fight. Tony's kind of suspicious of tally right now because she's been acting off. Steve heard something about project intermission. Tally is terrified that Hydra is going to kidnap her.

They're still asking about project intermission. FP was just arrested for the murder of Jason blossom. They're holding an intervention for tally because they're worried about her. Malachi what are you doing there I don't remember this.

He regrets cheating on her. Malachi can read her like an open book. The blackmailed him into cheating. Tally just save Fred's life I forgot that's how she gets kidnapped. Alice Cooper is Thalia's godmother. She's dead. I wrote this and I'm about to cry. Someone stole the body. Project intermission.

Tony freaked out at the mention of the 10 rings. She's alive. The Avengers are finding out what happened with Nick St Clair.

Jade really just spilled everything to them I mean I would too if meant getting my best friend back but still. Tony went to go see Malachi. Malachi said he was more afraid of tally than he is of Tony. But he's still told him a lot.

Tally has powers. Thalia is so sarcastic I love her. Tally was able to send a message to them. By the time they got there the Hydra base was in flames and she was walking out of it. They forced her to go to the hospital where everyone was waiting. Tony tried to keep her in her in the hospital room but she was like no❤️.

The sexual tension between her and Sweet Pea tho. Interview by Sheriff Keller. Welcome home party. The Whyte Wyrm. Sweet Pea wants a slurpee. Toni accidentally ate a weed brownie.

Fangs has skittles in his jacket? FRIDAY you sassy AI. Movie night code red. Tangled vs The Conjuring. Nat has Thor in a choke hold. I always forget that Rapunzel's name translates to Lettuce. They all suggest movies and fight it out. First one is Sweet Pea vs Tally. I FORGOT I BROKE THE FOURTH WALL. Tally won. Tony is having a talk with Sweet Pea. Tally doesn't think Hydra is done. Imma be honest I don't remember most of this because the close it get to when I had my surgery the more fucked my memory became.

Reggie is calling her the walking dead. Swalia date. This is going to be adorable.

The memes tho. They ended up watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Things got heated then Tony texted tally. Her and her dad ended up working on the Impala when she got home. Tally told Reggie to fuck off. Her adoption papers came in so that she will legally be Pepper's kid. Archie's an idiot.

I love Pepper. Sweet Pea and Tally are officially dating. Jade and Kevin are freaking out. Her dad is freaking out not like Jade and Kevin. Cat is pissed at her brother. Bulldogs and Serpents showed up. Jade, Cat, Veronica and Tally stopped the fight. She headed to Sweet Pea's.

My fake insta posts were the best. Beck, Fangs and Sweet Pea just got arrested. Nick St Clair is coming to town. Mantle vandalized her locker. Apparently the same thing happened to her mom. She's not going to talk about Nick St Clair.

Tally telling Archie to keep an eye out for Nick St. Clair. Date night with Sweet Pea. He took he took her their hideout. She's contemplating filing a police report on Nick St Clair. They had sex in a treehouse.

Nick St. Clair is back. Veronica doesn't know shit. She finally told her dad. She going to report him. She told Veronica. Veronica confronted him at the party and now everyone at the party knows. She went to SVU. Then she went to MJ's.

They are going to arrest him at the open house. He has been arrested.

No more secrets? Holy shit. She now knows Alice Cooper is her God Mother. Really Tony? Why did you call her out in front of everyone? You could've just talked to her. He wants her to see a therapist. St Clair had a bail hearing. No bail. Southside High was raided. When he only like Sweet Pea because he's taller than Cap. Tally didn't realize it. Drag Race. Malachi vs Tally. Bucky is so chill about it.

(So Chapter 47. Is the where you guys find out that I am having surgery) Sweet Pea finds out about Malachi. Sweet Pea feels betrayed, angered. They're having a fight. Sweet Pea is afraid that because she kept this one secret EX from him the next thing you know she'll be cheating on him. Tally just told him I don't want anyone else. They said I love you. The drag race. Tally won fair and square but Malachi still thinks she cheated. Tony scheduled the appointment.

Apparently you can't teach Thor how to cook. Tally isn't allowed in Asgard. Tally just called Vision a toaster. And in response Tony said don't call your little brother a toaster.

Family dinner. Everyone is there. Sweet Pea just got there. Thalia is the moderator. Nick Fury scares him. They are grilling him. Mario Kart tournament. Cap won.

Sweet Pea sending her bad pick up lines. MJ approves. Jughead asked for a favor. FP is getting out of prison.  Sweet Pea and Tally are talking about their future. (This is the last chapter I published before my surgery)

FP's retirement party. Tally inviting Sweet Pea to the Avenger's Christmas party and New Years Eve party and everyone else.

Her first appointment. Afterwards she went to the Wyrm. FP wants to talk to her. Tally has a spare key.

Social media special.

Trial of Nick St Clair. He lost.  Southside High has been shut down. Jade's period is late. Jade is pregnant. Welcome to Riverdale High Southside Serpents. Mantle being a dick.

The uniforms. Message from Hydra, her mom is alive.

She's known. (Srry, this is when my short term memory was hell so I don't remember it.) Her mother is a hydra agent and was using Tony. She even talked to her when she was kidnapped. FP isn't happy that Ruby lied to them all.

Sweet pea trying to stand up for tally when Jughead was trying to use her Fame for peaceful protest now that's awesome but Tally's okay with this because it's a peaceful protest and something she agrees with and told him it's okay. They bugged his trailer. They have the tesseract from Odin's Vault testing against Tally's blood panel. It keeps calling her name.

Even though they told her not to tell sweet pea she did. Peaceful protest. The statue had no head the next day and tally woke up with a fever, despite the super soldier serum. And she has a fever. Bruce thinks it's because of the tesseract because they have similar energy they're fighting dominance. Next day she's feeling better, and is being questioned by the sheriff.

Foreshadowing much. She's realizing that she was born to her mother just become hydras soldier. Tally's idea is that well her mom's playing chess they have to play poker. Sunnyside is getting evicted.

Her mother is at the Wyrm. Hello Ruby Lodge. That was intense. Tally just thanked Pepper for being her mom. FP trust her.

Veronica's confirmation. Jughead and Betty found the head. Back at the Wyrm. Tall boy was the one who did it. Going to Lodge Lodge.

I think that's an accurate description of Cheryl. Jughead had to reassure them that everything was fine. The Jughead Veronica kiss. They get to stay in Sunnyside trailer park.

Hiram Lodge bought the Riverdale register. The break-in. They decide to go after tally instead of Veronica because you know she's a Stark. That was a mistake because they isolated her and her room and she was able to overpower one of them and take their shotgun away. She also paged her dad. Hiram Lodge owns pops. Ethel dumped a whole strawberry milkshake on Veronica. Reggie being a dick. Ruby Lodge broke into sweet peas trailer talk to him.

Ruby wants to make a deal. Basically what happened with Malachi where he cheated to protect his sister. Ruby said she wants to make sure her daughter is dead inside. Cheryl's missing. Sweet pea has been distant. Sweet Pea is drinking away sorrows. And he cheated to protect his little sister and his mom.

Jade slapped him. Tony is there. Fangs sent her a photo of Sweet Pea cheating. She's questioning everything. The Avengers want to kick his ass. She went to his trailer. Swalia is over until they get their shit together. Carrie The Musical.

She went to Malachi. She went there for help but they ended up sleeping together. They agreed to be one time thing. The plan started, Malachi would pick her up from the musical the opening night. Ruby stopped them, saying she would kill Malachi if she didn't go with her. into which Malachi admits that he still loves her. But she loves sweet pea. The tranqed her and she woke up in a chair. 5 months later she was in Sweden by herself safe and sound. What you saw an article about Archie Andrews being questioned for a murder. And she thought she might have evidence for it or could get it so she's going back to Riverdale. Then flashback 5 months ago Tony's point of view, Malachi showed up to the school after Midge was murdered. Tally is prime suspect right now. She killed a hydra agent. Then 5 months later. Tony is a pops when he sees his daughter walk in with blonde hair.

She got lectured from Steve about running off for 5 months. She wants to tent city. Her and Sweet Pea had a good to talk. Ruby Lodge.

She just wants to talk. Ancient Norse prophecy. Tony asked Thor and he gulped. There is a prophecy and Thor and Loki believe it to be about Tally. Odin agrees. In the final battle she dies. Thornhill.

Ghoulies. Malachi questioning Penny Peabody's motives and then putting the fear of Tally. Jughead wondering what that was about. The iCarly reference though. "If you ever do that again you're grounded for... Till college." "For till college?" "For till college!"

(So the reason I kind of stopped doing the Instagram post was because after my surgery I kind of just lost all creative initiative to do it.) The video tally turned in was ruled of questionable origin. Thalia Stark is under arrest. I don't remember this plot line. They don't have a very solid case. Matt Murdock, Tally's lawyer, wants to push the case to New York. Charges were dropped thanks to Nicholas fury. Archie pleaded guilty, Malachi is leaving. He wants to see her before he leaves. Tally told him he would hold a special place in her heart. Riverdale high, next day.  They want to get Hiram Lodge arrested.

Sweet Pea and Tally are talking about what happened and Tally finally said what's been running through her head. Thalia is Jade's child's godmother. She told Jade about the prophecy.

Tony is acting weird at The mention of a game that hit Riverdale. Ghoulie hideout with Penny and Ruby. She scared the shit out of Penny Peabody. Veronica's grand opening. Tally is willing to let Sweet Pea try to earn her trust back. They kissed... No, they had sex. The manual.

Flashback episode. Secrets and sins. tally roasting her father. Ruby and Hiram arguing. The Ascension party. Tony basically explained everything to his daughter.

Sweet peas playing the game that Tony told her not to and she asked him not to. She said if you can please playing the game the deal is off so he said well done the deal is off and walked out. She's heartbroken. Archie prison fight club. Since tally is the closest thing they have to a trained doctor she is the one that's going to be at the bunker ready to patch Archie up. sweet peas apologizing. Starting Hiram lodges case.

Swedish Mafia. Sheriff Minetta grilling Tally. Casino night. Sweet pea and her hooked up again. Sweet Pea asked her on a date. After good advice my father she accepted it. When he came to pick her up Tony threatened him saying you already cheat on my daughter again I'm going to kill you which I think is Fair. After a good date he asked tally to be his girlfriend again. She said yes.

Cap wanting her to join RROTC. Not tally paying for Fangs mom's hospital bills. According to Pepper Starks are caffeine dependent insomniacs. Tally had cancer. Thor smashing a toaster. Cheryl the bitch.

Tally helping Sweet Pea study for SATs. Hiram got shot. Fangs is back in the Serpents. FP is Sheriff. Ruby Lodge. Half-sister Alicia von Strucker.

Sweet Pea is worried. Alicia meeting Sweet Pea. Jade's water broke. Thalia regrets not being there for Jade. She gabe her sister a nickname. Captain America Fitness Challenge. To the hospital to see her god child. Violet Thalia Oliver.

Alicia is 100 percent Ruby's daughter. Josie tried to ask sweet pea to go to her mom's wedding with her, Sweet Pea denied. Thalia defending her sister to the Avengers. The Pretty Poisons beat up Sweet Pea and Fangs. Tally rushed over to the Jones trailer where she had a run kn with Jughead's mom. She doesn't like Starks. Jughead now knows about her prophecy. Tally meet Jellybean and calls her an adorable human being. Jellybean fangirling. Jughead trusting Thalia with his life.

Jughead's mom being skeptical af. Tally didn't trust her. Chemistry Lab break in. Jughead asked her to help deal with it, as a favor. Kurtz just called her Malachi's ex-bitch. Sweet Pea is pissed but Tally's got it. After a little violence. She's going to go call Malachi. He gave some food advice. She made Jughead promise something. She caught Kurtz trying to kill Fangs. Jughead made her let him go. Sister bonding time.

Alicia's life story. The Gargoyle King sent her a message. Tally is keeping it a secret from Sweet Pea. FPs 50th.

HEATHERS PART 1. Call from Detective Benson, telling her Nick St. Clair is getting released because of 'overcrowding'. The Avengers are pissed, so is Sweet Pea. Tally is playing Veronica Sawyer. Alicia came to see her sister at rehearsal and brought her a red bull. Party. Okay, I'll admit that was a bad pun. Big Fun. She was tipsy for a second because of Asgardian beer. She steps outside, Ruby is there. She threw up on her biological mother's shoes. Tbh I tried to put more references to the musical in here. Dead girl walking. Practice next day. Everyone finding Nick St. Clair got released and them being pissed. Cheryl wants to castrate him, Reggie agrees. Que Nick St. Douchebag's entrance.

HEATHERS PART 2. When I published part 2, Chadwick Boseman passed away. Rest in Power. Sweet Pea and Archie holding her back but everyone who know exactly what happened was ready to beat his face in. Nick called Tally a ticking time bomb. He mentioned the prophecy. Tally threatening him. Tally has some explaining to do. Her going to Sheriff Jones to get a restraining order. Tally shading Steve. Seventeen. Dr Stephen Strange saved her life. Alicia texted her to meet her. She gonna blow up the school. Alicia cuffed her in vibranium cuffs, she called Shuri. Dead Girl Walking Reprise (What a bop tho) Kevin met her at the door she told him to evacuate the building as silently as possible. Boiler room. The fight for the gun. Alicia was dead. She was able to deactivate the bomb. She went outside where everyone was waiting and trying to calm Sweet Pea and Tony down. Then she saw Ruby and saw red. FRIDAY record the convo. Tally just said it's over amd told her mom to fuck off. Ruby is pissed because it's not her ending. Tally just walked away and kept walking. I'mma be honest these are my favorite chapters.

Since the funeral, tally isolated herself in a depression. Now she has a text from an unknown person to meet her at Sweetwater River. Chic. Malachi came to see her. They had a good talk, he made her realize some things.

Cheryl preaching the farm agenda to tally who's just trying to grieve her sister. So she gives Cheryl a verbal SmackDown. Toni being pissed about it. Tally doesn't want to go to prom, so instead she wants to take sweet pea on a date in New York. Betty's dad's prison bus exploding. Veronica being confused on why they would miss prom. I'm telling explains it she's like well I know when that used to be your preferred choice of setting. He's asking him to move on after the prophecy is complete and she's dead.

Veronica's Pop deed is fake. Veronica wants Tally to fight her father. Tally is unsure about it, she could kill her dad with a single punch. Toby agrees the best bet us Tally. Archie taking the ring with Hiram, could possibly get Archie killed. Fight night. He broke her nose. Tally did more damage to him of course. Hiram Lodge has been arrested. When her family and sweet pea find out that she was the reason Hiram Lodge got arrested in the first place. They were starting to get ready to go into business together and tell you didn't want Lodge industries to fuck over Stark industries. When she figured out moves from Avatar to last Airbender and legend of Korra. Her mom escaped from prison.

Avengers discussing protection for tally. Package for tally. Thalia Stank. It was from the gargoyle King but she played it off in front of the Avengers and just left. To go to the hunting cabin of the blossoms. Her mom is there. Time for the final quest. The first one is for Archie the grizzled beast. I love tally. Because when Archie says oh crap, she says I think you're allowed to say fuck in this situation. Archie wins though. Tally had to play Russian roulette to get her in with the swedish Mafia. The next task is for Veronica. All the chalices were poisoned so Betty and Veronica are both poisoned.

Tally's turn. The assassin card. Battle of Blood. Biological mother vs daughter. Thalia killed her biological mother. Jughead's turn. He had won. And finally Betty's turn. She shut off her dad's fingers. After Penelope give the order to kill them all Thalia made a giant barrier with her powers. The farm ascended, leaving Kevin behind. The Avengers were shocked about what happened.

Filler chapter. Therapist appointment. Pop's with her dad. Tally remembering. Sweet Pea checking on her. Sweet Pea wants to run away with her, maybe run away from all of it but tally knows she can't. Then the next week tally knew the prophecy would be complete.

The beginning of infinity war. Dr strange. Wong knows about the prophecy while doctor strange doesn't. Tony just trying to protect his daughter. Tally got knocked unconscious. Bruce woke her up, Tony and Peter Parker are in space trying to save Doctor strange and keep the time Stone out of thanos's hands. At the compound talking about what to do. Tally knows someone.

Tally dreaming of the infinity Stones and seeing Thanos. Shuri. Things have entered the atmosphere. Tally's iron daughter suit. The fight has begun. Cap saying fuck. Thanos is coming for vision. Telling us what's happening to the stones right now. She bloodbended Thanos but the Avengers couldn't get to Thanos quick enough to get the glove off so he snapped. They lost. Tally is gone and so is half of the universe.

Nat is regretting not getting to Thanos quick enough to get to the glove off of him while tally bloodbended him. Tony found out that she's able to bloodbend. Tony passing out. Going to go kill Thanos. Nat and Thor explaining Thalia to Rocket. Thor went for the head.

5 YEARS LATER. Natasha's point of view. Meeting, Barton murdering people, Steve stopping by. She's remembering tally, reminiscing with Steve. Scott Lang. Quantum realm. Tony's point of view. Morgan Stark. Them telling the plan to Tony. Him thinking it's risky. Tony is salty about the fact that if they were close enough when tally bloodbended than Thanos they could have been done they could have won but they lost. Scott's trying to play with his heartstrings, mentioning tally, his first born daughter.

Bruce banner/hulk talking about the time travel thing . Tony's POV. While washing dishes he looks at a photo thinking of his daughter, tally. He decided he has to do it to see her again. He figured out time travel. Pepper finding out you figured out time travel. He's going to do it. Natasha's POV next morning. Scott time traveling going wrong. Steve POV. Walking outside seeing car pull up. Cap getting his shield back. But there's something Tony has to do before he gets to work.

He went to go see Malachi. He want to let Malachi know that there was hope. Malachi gave him a flash drive of Tally's research guy she entrusted him with five years ago. Clint testing the time travel machine worked. When Tony opened the flash drive he realized that a lot of it was mapped out for him already. Tally made a video titled if we lost. Time travel time. New York 2012. Time Stone.

Tony's POV, then Steve's POV. Not Steve saying hail Hydra. Tony's POV. Scott giving 2012 Tony a heart attack. Tesseract sliding to Loki. Steve POV. "That is America's ass" I think that's all I have to say for that part. Bruce's POV. Him telling her that Strange gave it away. She gave him the time stone. Tony POV. Deciding to go to New Jersey.

1970. Tony's point of view. Tony seeing his dad and getting the tesseract. Steve's point of view. Getting Hank Pym to run down the hallway. Tony's POV. Talking to his dad. Avengers compound. Natasha was gone. Grieving Natasha. Making the gauntlet, Thor going to stop his fingers then stop him Bruce snapping his fingers. It worked. Then disaster struck a missiles blew away the Avengers compound. Thanos sat waiting for the Avengers. Thanos vs Steve, Thor and Tony. Tony getting knocked out. Steve POV. Picks up Thor's hammer. Everyone is back. Tally is back.

Tally POV. Tally and Tony reuniting. Female team up without Nat. Tally took the stones before he could snap."You are so fucked." She turned to dust. Tony's POV. She started glowing. He grieved. Sweet Pea is at Stark Tower. He found out she sacrificed herself. The funeral. Tally is alive.

The scene with death. When Tally woke up she didn't remember anything. Everyone is shocked. Wanda jogged her memory. She explained everything. She met Morgan.

Graduation. Tally's POV. She was the valedictorian. She's going to MIT. Sweet Pea proposed. When she graduated, taking on Stark industries, she made sure it was clear the weapons will never be apart of Stark Industries again. When Sweet Pea and Tally got married she found out she was pregnant. Sweet Pea's name is this is Nathan Mantle. In the end they had 3 kids. Nick St. Clair got killed by the Swedish Mafia. She is the Iron Daughter.

Overall, I'm going to admit I don't remember writing half of this story because of my brain surgery and I was working on it during this. I love this story, it is my first time reading it all at once but I am partial to it because I worked on it for almost a full year and is the first Riverdale x Avengers crossover fic on wattpad. There is somethings I was contemplating, like who she was going to end up with, if she was going to die in the first snap or not. I was also going to do a part where she goes into hiding with Harley from Iron Man 3 and works as a waitress in a little diner as a cover, saying she's Harley's cousin, wearing a wig and contacts but I felt that'd make the story too long. But there are a few things I'm iffy about so 9/10.

[justjessame]

Put Me In Coach 4

The rest of my senior year was pretty fucking pleasant. Negan and I spent as much time together as we could manage, he’d told his wife that he wanted freedom and moved into a nicer than I’d expected short term apartment. It was far enough from school and my house for visits to be easy. Or at least unnoticeable by anyone we didn’t want to notice.

Mom suspected I might have ‘a special guy’ in my life, but I nearly spit my water out during dinner when she made the assumption it was Joe. Fuck, I was choking.

“No,” I gasped, taking my napkin in hand to try to wipe my face and chest dry of the dribbles. I cleared my throat, drying to get my air and voice back. “Joe and I didn’t work out.” Under fucking statement of the decade. “There’s someone, but we’re in the early stages.” I had to force myself not to give a weird giggle that was threatening to erupt. Early stages? He’d left his wife. We fucked like bunnies every single chance we got. And right now? He was making noises about transferring to a school near the college I was heading off to.

“Do we get to meet this mystery boy?” My dad asked, suddenly more interested in me than in his slice of roast.

I nearly shivered at the absolute horror of Negan facing off against my suit and tie wearing father. Shit. “Like I said, Dad, it’s still early.” I took another sip of water, hoping I’d get to swallow it this time.

Dinner went on at a more normal tone after that. Dad went back to studying the meat, Mom went back to tsk-ing at the centerpiece, and I was left to focus on how I was going to tell them. How should I, their only child and pride of their lives, explain to them that I’ve fallen in love with a married man who happened to be my gym teacher? Fuck a duck sideways with a rusty pitchfork. Once I’d eaten my fill, I left the table and rushed upstairs. Shit, just fucking shit.

My phone dinged and I smiled through the terrifying reality of my future.

Coming over tonight, princess?

My grin grew as my fingers flashed across the keyboard.

Oh I better be cumming. Over and over. Tonight.

I hit send and tossed the phone down as I pulled open my closet doors. I heard the ding of his reply and then the phone rang. I pulled out a dress and tossed it on the bed. Picking up the phone, I was surprised to hear Eric’s voice instead of Negan’s.

“Don’t sound so fucking happy to hear my voice, you rancid whore.” I could hear his eyes roll from across the street. “I know you’re probably three steps away from riding Coach Negan into a really really hot fucking lather, but I NEED you.”

“Stop being so melodramatic, you fucking Queen.” I mocked. “What’s the issue?”

He was freaking out alright. He had a date, a really important date, to him anyway. And he was having a full on panic attack over his outfit. Honestly, this boy was worse than Mary. After promising, repeatedly, to come over as soon as I was ready for my own ‘date’, I hung up and checked the text that came in first.

Making dinner, pasta ok?

Fuck, I’d just eaten with the fucking parents. Shit. Maybe I could SQUEEZE a small serving in.

Sure.

I prayed that I could choke down more food. Negan was trying so fucking hard to go full on real relationship with me, that having him cook dinner was a huge deal. I just hadn’t had the fucking forethought to NOT eat. I pulled on the dress I’d chosen, slipped a pair of flats on my feet and brushed out my hair so the curls fell just right down my back. A tiny headband to keep my far too long fucking bangs out of my face, and I was ready to head out. Another ding sounded and I swore.

Bitch, the fuck you at?

Damn it, Eric. I typed in my assurances that I was on my fucking way NOW, and then a quick shout of parting to Mom and Dad and I was out the door. It took seconds to cross the street and walk into Eric’s house. Knocking was unnecessary with Eric’s family. Unlike my parents, his were shockingly progressive and open. I shouted out a greeting to his mom and looked up to see him glaring down at me from the top of the staircase. Jesus calm down.

“Get your fucking ass up here, you goddamn witch.” Damn it, son. I rushed up as his mom’s laughter followed me. She was as used to his weirdness as I was, more so I guess since she’d pooped him out.

Entering his room, I sucked in a breath. It looked like an Old Navy had exploded inside. I’d never seen so many clothes just EVERYWHERE. Fuck. “What the shit?” I looked around and finally my eyes landed on him standing near the completely empty closet.

“Help.” He squeaked. And I fought laughing.

A half an hour later, Eric was dressed, his hair was coiffed, and he looked hot. Well, hot for a totally flaming gay dude who was thirsty for dick. Hugging him and giving him a pep talk, I rushed back out the front door with another shouted parting to his mom and was in my car on the way to Negan’s.

My phone rang as I was pulling into his parking lot. “Hello?” I answered as I parked.

“Princess? Are you alright?” Shit, I hadn’t let him know about Eric.

I gave a quiet chuckle. “I’m here, Negan. Eric had an-” I rolled my eyes at the use of the word. “Emergency.”

“Is he OK?” The concern in my voice made me want to slap Eric shitless. I was out of the car and walking up the sidewalk as I shook my head.

“He’s fine,” I answered, smiling as I heard him exhale in relief. “Not that he has the perfect outfit.”

“WHAT?” I held back a laugh and his door opened in front of me. He was looking at me like I was insane as I tucked my phone in my bag. “An outfit is an emergency?” I came closer and wrapped my arms around his waist.

“Have you met Eric?” I felt him nod above me. “Yes, an outfit is an emergency.” I tilted my head back to look up at him as he pulled me inside and shut the door. “Kiss me.” It wasn’t really a demand, but more like an urgent request. He raised an eyebrow. “Please.” Smiling, he lowered his face to mine and gave me what I wanted.

I could smell the tomatoes he’d used in the sauce. I could smell the yeast of the bread he was heating. And yet, the ONLY thing I wanted to taste was him. Which is why I groaned when he pulled away. Fuck.

“Come on, sweetheart, dinner first, then-” he left it hanging. I bit my lip and let him link the fingers of our hand and pull me along to the kitchen. He’d set the table with a candle and dimmed the lights. Ugh, who knew that Coach Negan could be romantic? I mentally raised my hand. Me.

He held my chair and after I sat took his own. “How was your day?” I asked, as he dished his own serving out. Handing me the bowls, I took slightly more than I wanted or thought I could stomach shoveling in. I grabbed the smallest slice of warm bread I could, and waited for him to take his first bite.

“Not bad,” he answered, after he swallowed. He was watching me and glanced at my plate. “Not hungry?” Fuck.

“For food?” I countered, hoping that sounding as starving for him as I always seemed to be would do the trick.

He smirked and took another bite. “Eat, princess, you’re gonna need your strength.” Fuck, that twist in my stomach of want and lust came hard and fast.

I twirled my pasta around my fork and took a bite. Shit. I moaned at the flavor. Jesus God, who fucking would have guessed that he could fucking cook? I looked up at him and saw, even through the dim light and candle flame flickering, how dark his eyes looked. Damn. Swallowing carefully, I licked my lip and saw his eyes flick to the movement. “Something wrong?”

“Not sure I’ve ever heard that noise come out of your mouth, Amara.” How fucking low could his voice get? “Makes me want to find out what else makes you make that noise.” Shit, I had to squeeze my thighs together at that promise.

“You up for that challenge, Coach?” I asked, playing with my fork.

“You trying to dare me, princess?” He volleyed back.

And then dinner was forgotten, even if that fucking sauce alone made me want to rethink my position for a moment, but then my position was on top of the counter of the small bar and he was cradled between my knees and I forgot the fucking problem all together. He was inside of me and his mouth was latched onto my neck as I made some noises that no human being had possibly ever made in the history of humankind.

“Fuck, Amara,” he breathed into my skin and I growled at the feeling. “That’s right, sweetheart, clamp right the fuck down on me.” I arched forward into his body and he hissed and pulled away from my neck. His eyes on mine, he kept thrusting, watching my face as I bit my lip to keep from screaming. “Let go, princess, we’re all the fuck alone, remember?” And I did. I screamed his name. I begged, I pleaded. I demanded, I ordered. I wanted so fucking much and I got every damn thing I asked for.

Panting and leaning into me, I felt Negan chuckle. “When did you eat with your parents?” I grinned at him, fuck, he knew everything.

“About ten minutes before you told me you were making me dinner.” I answered, holding him to me with my knees tight. “I’m sorry.” I kissed his chin, then his cheek. “I’m sorry I was late.” A kiss to his forehead. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that I’d eaten.” I kissed his nose. “I’m sorry that I don’t have room for more of that fucking amazing sauce you made.” He chuckled again. “I’m sorry that you’re trying so fucking hard and I keep screwing up.” My lips brushed his.

“Amara,” he pulled back so he could look me fully in the face. “You’re not screwing up, honey.” He brushed his nose against mine. “This is new, so fucking new, for both of us. We get a learning curve.” His lips met mine again. “But,” he’d pulled back a bit again. “If you don’t fucking learn to call or text to tell me you’re gonna be fucking late? You won’t be able to sit for a goddamn week.” Shit.

 It took a while. That learning curve he offered, for us to find our stride. Our new normal. I’d give him a heads up when I couldn’t bow out of dinner with Mom and Dad. He’d give me a heads up if he wanted to treat me to dinner, or a movie, which we did without blinking. We dated. Like normal people would. Well, if one of the normal people had a career that could be ruined if the relationship he was enjoying with the other normal person became public.

We found ways to do dates that didn’t threaten either of our futures. Or our combined future? Shit, I was usually so verbose. The point is, we found a retro drive thru in a nearby town that we took full advantage of, sometimes we even paid attention to the movie playing. We had dinner in small diners. We found ways to be a couple without having to face any negative parts that us being together could potentially cause. Mostly.

I had texted him to let him know that dinner with the parents was mandatory, for reasons unspecified by the parents. I didn’t let him know that I’d been given a dress code for the dinner. Or that my mom was shooting me weird looks. Why? Because I didn’t fucking understand the underlying current of the fucking requests.

Not until, about twenty minutes before this required to attend dinner was scheduled to start, the doorbell rang. “Amara, sweetie, could you answer the door?” My mom called from the kitchen.

Sure, fuck, why not? I thought, glancing in the entryway mirror at the dress my mom had practically picked out of my closet for me to wear. Actually, she did pick it out. Literally. Opening the door I bit back an actual curse. Joe Malberry and an older couple that must be his parents. What the literal hell?

“Good evening.” I offered, breeding taking over my warring brain. Joe was eyeing me head to toe and I was considering making my mom do more than tsk over the fucking centerpiece. I stood back and let the three of them in. They weren’t wearing coats, so I didn’t have to offer to collect them like a fucking coat check girl.

“Ah, hello,” my mom breathed as she glided into the entryway. “Welcome to our home.” She wasn’t looking at me, so I doubt she noticed my look of fucking irritation at this bullshit. “I’m so happy you accepted my invitation on such short notice.” What the fuck?

She was ushering them into the family room where I could hear my dad greeting them. I was glaring so hard at my mother’s back that she should have felt scorch marks. Damn her. I pulled my cell from a pocket in my dress and shot a text to Eric.

Mom invited JOE FUCKING MALBERRY and his FUCKING PARENTS for DINNER. I am going to fucking commit parricide.

I felt the vibration of his reply almost immediately as I slowly walked to the family room.

JESUS...Negan’s gonna fucking tan your ass so hard that it’ll be picked up on infrared scanners for miles.

Fuck. I rolled my eyes. Choices. Text Negan for the heads up, like a good girl and good partner? Or pretend that I wasn’t in the fucking Twilight Zone of all dinners? I tapped out the text.

I didn’t know. I FUCKING swear I didn’t know. But Mom invited Joe and his parents for dinner tonight. Fuck. I’d rather be with you. Or on the moon right now.

I heard and felt nothing come from my cell. Nothing. No vibrations. No ding. No ring. Nothing. But as we were sitting down in the dining room, the doorbell chimed. Fuck. I closed my eyes, and waited.

“Amara, darling,” I opened my eyes to see my mom asking with her eyes for me to answer the damn door. Thank god.

“Yes, of course.” I stood up and noticed that Joe hadn’t rushed to hold my chair. Unlike Negan, by the way. “Excuse me.”

I nearly ran to the door, hoping beyond hope that Eric had come to my rescue. But standing on the other side of the door wasn’t Eric. It wasn’t Mary. Instead, Negan was standing there looking like a fucking thundercloud. Shit.

“Amara,” he gritted through his teeth. I must have looked scared because he pulled me to him and held me to his chest. “You OK?” I nodded, and breathed in his scent.

“Yeah, just REALLY didn’t fucking expect to attend the dinner party from hell tonight.” I was murmuring into his chest. “Thank you for coming to check on me.”

“That’s not why I’m here, sweetheart.” What? Shit. “I’m here to meet your parents.” Damn it.

[parkernotes]

never a bother

also available on ao3

post-endgame + hurt/comfort

whumptober 2019 prompts: stab wound & secret injury, embrace

word count: 2033

At 11:14 pm, Tony still hasn't received a text from Peter, but he lets it slide. The kid's school night curfew is at 11pm, but being late by fifteen to twenty minutes once won't make a difference, he convinces himself. He could easily open Karen's live feed and check for himself where Peter is, but he's practicing self-restraint these days, and trusting the kid to follow the curfew and text him once he makes it home safe is an important part of it.

So he waits.

Morgan is asleep and Pepper's at her office working late, so Tony distracts himself by preparing himself a cup of hot chocolate then heading back downstairs to work on some upgrades to Rhodey's suit. It gets his mind off Peter for a while, but then he receives a text from May, who's wondering if he heard from Peter. She's working a late shift and still hasn't received a text either.

He checks the time. 11:53 pm. Still no text.

He sighs, pulling his chat with the kid open and sending him a quick text. You back home yet?

Tony stares at it for a few seconds, clicks his tongue in annoyance and is about to go and check Karen's live feed when the app informs him his message was read. He waits a few more seconds, but when Peter doesn't make a move to start typing to answer him, Tony hits the call button.

It rings twice before Peter answers it.

"Hey, Tony! Sorry!"

"You better be," Tony mutters, sagging in relief at knowing his kid is fine. "Are you home?"

"Yes, sorry, uh, forgot to text you," Peter answers, but his voice comes up a bit muffled, as if he's holding his phone between his cheek and shoulder.

"It's fine, kiddo, just make sure you remember next-"

He interrupts himself when Peter emits a loud hiss and then a yelp, and that has Tony tensing on the spot immediately. A loud noise follows this then everything stops, and Tony can't hear anything.

"What is it?" he urges, sitting straight on his chair. "Peter?"

Tony hears a soft noise, then a voice. "Sorry, I dropped my phone," Peter says, suddenly lowering his tone. "Uh, it's kinda dark because May's sleeping, so I can't see anything."

Tony frowns. "I was texting her just two minutes ago, though? Isn't she working a late shift?"

Peter is suddenly silent. "Uh," he says after a few moments. "I forgot."

"Peter," Tony starts carefully, seeing through him right away even though he can't even actually see the kid. "What is going on? What did you do?"

"Nothing, nothing, like I said the lights were out so I couldn't see anything but-"

This time Peter interrupts himself with another hiss, and Tony has had enough. Without bothering to pull his phone away from his face so Peter can't hear him, he calls out to FRIDAY, asking her to get Peter's vitals from Karen.

They appear on his screen a few seconds later, and Peter's panicked reassurances soon become muffled by the ringing in Tony's ears originated from the raw panic he feels from looking at the data in front of him.

Small tear in the suit, right portion of the lower abdomen. Low blood pressure.

Just as quick as he lost it, Tony gets back.

"I don't want to hear another single word from you," Tony manages to say in almost a whisper. He think his voice will crack if he raises it too much. "I'm calling Happy to pick you up and get you to the Compound. Stay exactly where you are and don't do anything stupid."

As he speaks, he's already heading upstairs to let Pepper know what's going on. As he climbs up the steps to her office, he puts Peter on hold and dials Happy, who answers right away.

"What's up, boss?"

"I need you to pick Peter up," he says as he opens the door to the office. Pepper look up from her desk with her eyebrows raised, clearly not pleased at being interrupted, but her expression quickly morphs into something concerned. He certainly looks like a hot mess, trembling all over and on the verge of a panic attack. "He- He's been fucking stabbed and decided not to let anyone know, he probably hacked the suit again, and he's at home. I need- I need you to get him to the Compound. I'll meet you guys there."

"On it," he hears Happy say, and the sound of quick footsteps on the other side of the line. He hangs up and Tony's back with Peter, who has gone scarily silent.

"Peter?" he asks just as Pepper makes it to stand in front of him, placing a hand on his arm. When the kid doesn't answer right away, he feels his heart hammer against his heart. "Kid, for fuck's-"

"I'm here, I'm here, sorry," Peter replies hurriedly. "I'm fine, Tony, it has happened be-"

"Don't even finish that sentence, I don't wanna know," Tony snaps, finally raising his voice because the idea of Peter treating a fucking stab wound without him knowing is completely horrifying, and it just won't do Tony any good right now. "Just- Listen, Happy is going to pick you up and take you to the Compound. I'll meet you guys there, should take an hour or so. According to what Karen has shown me you should be fine by then."

"Tony, you really don't need to-"

"Shut up, I don't want to know. See you there. Tell Karen to call me immediately in case something happens, but I'll have her on alert if your conditions worsen."

He hangs up, takes a shuddering breath. Pepper places her other hand on his other arm, and squeezes gently.

"I'll let May know once her shift ends," she says.

"Okay," Tony nods, feeling a sharp pang in his chest. He places his hand on her shoulder for support, and feels that it's a little bit harder to draw in the next breath. And the next one.

"Tony," Pepper starts. "Hey, he'll be fine, honey."

"I know," he nods shakily, suddenly feeling like his legs might give out. He quickly makes it to the loveseat in the corner of the room, then buries his face on his hands, willing himself to just get over with it. He needs to get going. He needs to get to Peter who is bleeding out on his own-

"Tony, breathe," he hears Pepper, and when he comes back to it she's kneeling in front of him, hands on his knees. She gently takes one of his hands and places it on top of her chest, which is rising and falling slowly with her breathing. "Breathe with me."

At first, like always, it's hard. But he attempts to follow the rhythm of Pepper's breathing under his palm, tries to count along with her, and it begins to work. He starts to see more clearly, even though his heart rate is still too high.

"He'll be fine," she repeats softly, but firmly. "It is not like last time, honey. He'll be fine by tomorrow and come over this weekend again, like he always does, and we'll spend time together. He's fine, I know it. You can tell by the way he was arguing back with you, yeah?"

Tony manages a weak and wet chuckle and nods. He tries to repeat her words to himself, that it is not like last time, he's not even losing much blood, but it's so fucking hard. Just the thought of Peter hurting in any way makes his skin crawl. Living for five years without him was too much, and now that he miraculously came back, any threat of losing him again, no matter how small it is, is too terrifying. But he doesn't think Peter understands - he's still the same, and probably has no idea what those five years were like. The mourning. The missing. Tony doesn't blame him, but it surely makes his job harder.

It's been only five months since he came back, and Tony is not ready to let him out into the world just yet again, it seems. He just wants to see Peter safe.

It takes a few more minutes to fully calm down, but then he's ready to go. He kisses Pepper goodbye, promises he will update her on everything, then sets off.

x

Due to the time it took Tony to leave home, he arrives after them at the Compound even though he was flying. He meets Happy at the entrance to the medbay, who tells him Bruce already stitched Peter up, who's now resting.

"Thank you, Hap," he says, a bit dizzily. The other man pats him on the shoulder as he moves past him towards Peter's room.

The lights are dim inside, but Peter's wide awake sitting on the bed. Tony lets out a sigh of relief at the sight of him, hurriedly closing the door behind him before approaching the bed with quick steps.

It looks like Peter was about to say something, but Tony stops him by pulling him into a tight embrace, still minding his wound. He tucks Peter's head right beneath his chin, presses a kiss right on top of it.

"Never," he begins quietly, a bit shakily. "Do that again."

"I'm sorry," Peter replies.

Tony gives him a squeeze before pulling back, placing his hands on the kid's shoulders. "Why did you think it was a good idea not to tell anyone, hm?" he inquiries. "Is this still about the whole I'm a teenager, I can do everything my myself thing?"

"No, just," Peter sighs, looking away. "I just didn't want to bother anyone."

"Bother?" Tony echoes, shocked. "Peter, you were stabbed. And yeah, we're still going to talk about how you got Karen into not telling me," he adds as a side note, to which Peter cringes. "That's an emergency. You have the right to bother me."

"I know, but-"

"You know what, even if it wasn't an emergency," Tony continues. "Even if it was scratch, I would like you to tell me. I want to know everything, and that would never bother me, you hear me? Where did you even get that from, kiddo?"

He brushes a curl away from Peter's forehead, feeling helpless and honestly, a bit heartbroken. Hearing Peter admit that he thinks telling Tony he's been stabbed would bother him is one of the fucking saddest things he's ever heard. Is he doing anything wrong?

"I know you would want to come here, and I didn't want you to leave home this late because of me, especially because I only let this happen because I was stupid during patrol," Peter murmurs, avoiding his eyes.

Tony holds him by the shoulders again, giving him a squeeze. "Kiddo, listen to me carefully. You know how long five years can be?" he says, and Peter looks right back at him. "That's half a decade. A pretty long time if you ask me. Hell, I went five entire years without looking after you. Even though I had great moments, especially with Morgan, I missed you so much through it all, Pete. And I got a miracle, you know. I got you back. And now... I just want to make sure you're safe, so it never happens again, you get that? You would never bother me."

Peter nods and Tony watches as his eyes well up with tears. "Sorry," he croaks again, and it's all it takes for Tony to pull him in again.

"C'mere," he mutters, letting the kid sniffle softly against his jacket. "I know things changed drastically for you and your Aunt, so let me help you get back on track, yeah? Don't hide things, please."

"I won't," Peter promises quietly, fisting the back of Tony's jacket.

Tony knows it will be a hard promise to keep up with, but now that he knows what's going on inside the kid's head, he'll be there all the way, paying even more attention.

He turns his head only to press a kiss on Peter's temple, and the kid holds him just a bit tighter.

[sluttyprincessinarizona]

Holy shit, alright.

So, first off, hi. I’ve been having a tough few days because of various reasons that I may or may not get into in this post. I’ve been bottling up all of my feelings for too long and writing things down has always been easier for me than talking about them. Basically, this is me spilling a lot of my secrets so I can get them out of my head. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you expected or wanted from me, please skip this if you’re not okay with a post like this. 

TW//: Talk of anxiety and depression, mental and emotion manipulation(?), mentions of death and suicide, and just dark shit in general. Proceed with a lot of caution.

Hello. My name is Malachi. That’s not my birth name but it is the name I choose to go by. I am a non-binary African American person that is trying their absolute best in the life I was given. Admittedly, I’m not fairing very well but I continue to try everyday.

I come from a fairly large family. 8 siblings in total, 1 on my moms side and 7 on my dads. My mom and dad never married, they broke up when I was five years old, and when my dad moved out, I stayed living with my mom. My mom is bipolar and manic depressant and my older sister, my moms daughter, was a spoiled brat until I was born. From very early on, my sister would constantly tell me that I ruined her life, that she wished I was never born, that she hated me, etc. Unfortunately for me, my mom wanted me and my sister to get along so I was always around her. She would read books to me and have me around all the time. Because of this, I’m pretty sure anyway, I grew up to be very gifted. I entered kindergarten a year early, and all of my school life felt easy. I was never challenged. Even the gifted classes I was out in were hardly anything to me. Now, I know this sounds like I’m bragging, but I take no pride in these words or my talents. I’ll tell you why later.

Growing up was surprisingly difficult for me. My mom was struggling to support both of us so we moved house a lot. We moved into our grandma’s house at one point. That was when it was the worst. My sister would constantly tell on me, but when I turned the tables on her, she’d beg me not to. She’d promise that she’d ever tell on me again, and then turned around and threw away said promise as soon as I let it go. I was the “problematic” child. My sister berated me constantly, telling me that I was bad at dancing and singing, which is still one of my passions to this day. It stuck with me. Everything does.

Fastforward to middle school. I had spent the last few years of my life with a less than agreeable sister and a difficult to approach mother. I’ll get into my father’s deal in a little bit. Elementary school hadn't been good either. I was at a higher level than lost of people, so I would occupy my free time with books. PE and outside activities never intrigued me as much as most kids, and so I was then deemed the class outcast all the way until about 7th grade. Up until 5th, I trusted others way too easily. Someone could walk up to me, tell me their name and say they wanted to be friends and within a week I'd be telling them all my secrets and family troubles. It was stupid really, but no one taught me any different. I was betrayed a lot, and everyone in our grade knew things about me that I'm embarrassed to admit. It was heartbreaking to 5th grade me. Why was everyone so mean?

I was always more of a tomboy, even as a child. The girls were too "girly" for me and the boys didn't converse with girls so I was, again, alone.

By the time I got to 6th grade, I had already adapted a system. Go to school, do well, read in your free time, go home. No friends, no acquaintances, nothing. It was how I kept my heart safe. And it worked for a while. Luckily, I moved schools when I came up with the system, so no one was too keen on approaching me in the first place. Then, 7th grade came around. And holy god, was it horrible. For some reason, I made a friend. Now, she was nice. Very nice. We bonded over Undertale, she was great. We're still friends to this day. But I kept her at arms length, cause I had just broken the system. That wasn't apart of the plan. Even worse, I made two more friends. And worse than that, I developed my first ever crush on someone. All of my plans were failing, my walls were crumbling. But when these walls fell, my heart grew weaker still, cause having friends isn't as great as it should be. Especially in middle school.

Our small group was riddled with mental illnesses, and we'd joke about wanting to die at least twice a day. It was how we coped, even though none of us made any effort to get better. It wasn't the best, but 8th grade was somehow worse.

Our group split right down the middle. Half of the group wanted nothing to do with the other half. And I was stuck in the middle. I liked everyone, they were all my friends. How could I possibly choose between them?

And then, as if things couldn't get worse, one of my closest friends in that group called me out. Apparently, I had become so dependent on them, on her, that I was becoming "too outgoing" and annoying, and she stopped responding to me. I had let her inside my walls and she still hurt me deeper than anyone else. I apologized profusely. I had gotten so used to not being a bother that losing her trust was one of my worst fears. It scarred me. I spent days sulking, just wanting to properly apologize to her. I wanted to hear from her, I needed to. Eventually she forgave me, but the damage had been done. That was when I had come up with a new idea. Another system. I didn't execute it, but the idea sprouted in the back of my mind.

8th grade was the year of my first panic attack. It was dumb, really. I woke up, got ready for school, and realized there was an assignment I forgot to do that was due later that day. I had had a perfect record. My homework was never late, and it terrified me to no end to think that my streak would end like that. I sat against the wall of my bedroom, covering my mouth and hoping that I was crying quietly, so I wouldn't wake my dad. No one to help me, no one to ground me. I was spiraling for too long. The only thing that snapped me out of it was myself. I had to go to school or I'd be late, that was how I got myself out of that darkness. Pathetic, I know.

High school was a different battle field in and of itself. Sophomore, Junior and Senior year were pretty good, so I'll only talk about Freshman year.

I was very scared of high school. All the middle school teachers said high school teachers were ruthless, mean and impatient. They kicked people out of class, out of the whole school. School had been easy but high school was different. The mere mention of it made me nervous. Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned it before, but I have pretty bad anxiety. It's primarily social anxiety, but it gets bad at the worst possible times. I think I might have depression but I'm too scared to bring it up with my therapist, so that'll probably stay unsolved.

Freshman year wasn't very bad. It wasn't worse than 8th grade at least. What really got me was the workload. Self discipline, time management, all the mature people things that I had to learn. It made my anxiety skyrocket. I would be finishing assignments during lunch, mere hours before they were due. I was a rightful mess, on all accounts.

I had a big fallout with my dad, and that just made all of my problems worse. I'll get into that another time, seeing as this post is already too long.

Finishing high school was a breeze compared to earlier years. I made a small group of friends, many of which are onto bigger adventures in life. I haven't started college yet, but I haven't talked about what it is that I really wanted to talk about. The thing that's really been on my mind.

I'm nobody. I'm not just a nobody. I'm nobody. I honestly don't know who I am. My entire life, I had forfeited finding myself in favor of catering to others. I relinquished my personal freedom to make others life easier. I listened to everything my parents told me to do. No question, no complaints. I bend and broke myself to make my sister happy. I gave her so much of myself that I didn't have any left for me, yet she's still not happy with me. My friends don't know who I am. My mind is constantly thinking, I'm constantly drowning in dark thoughts and harmful words but they don't know. I hide it from them, I hid everything from them. I told them not to worry about it. And eventually, they did. It hurt. It stung. But it was my fault entirely.

My dad called me a robot once. I followed orders with feeling or hesitance. He was right. My constant thought process is all of my responsibilities. All of the things I need to do for someone else. Taking a break is impossible. Mt family needs me to function properly so they can live freely and without regret. I can't do that.

I can't eat what I want without making my mom angry in some way. I can't say or do or buy or receive anything without getting into an argument with my sister about how I'm somehow the spoiled one. Hell, I take a nap for too long and my mom gets upset at me. My dad is another ball game all on his own, so I won't talk about him right now.

What I'm trying to say it that my life isn't mine. My life is spent caring for others. Listening to other people over myself.

I'm horrible at taking compliments. I brush them off, deny them, pretty much anything other than saying thank you. It's not that I'm not grateful. I'm just tired of them. I've been showered with praise all my life, but it's bittersweet when you're taken advantage of every day. Taken for granted endlessly. They start to fade together.

Generic, everyday praise infuriates me to the highest level. Don't you dare say that cookie cutter bullshit to me. You think I haven't heard "oh you're so smart" before?? You think I haven't heard "you're beautiful" before??? I understand that you're just trying to be nice, but fuck off with that run of the mill fuckery.

Compliment me

How about you say, thank you for trying so hard for us?

Or, I see you helping out. I appreciate it.

Or, god forbid, you cab relax for once, I can take care of it.

Because god knows that I need a fucking break sometimes!

Oh, take a day off? Unless you want to come over here and handle my 101 responsibilities for this day alone, I suggest you shut that shit up right now.

Telling to take it easy doesn't fix the fucking problem.

One thing I know I do have are some major anger issues. That's not easily solved. None of my problems are.

At this point, I feel like I am my problems. Without my anxiety and my anger, who am I?

Who would I be?

Would I be better? Worse? Who would I have become?

I don't want help because help would change me. Help would get rid of me.

Whoever that me may be.

[kyurilin]

2010-2019 Or The Overly Non Dramatic Story of How Kyuri's Decade Went

Technically this isn't a part of this decade review but I'm posting this on December 24th specifically because 10 years ago today I spoke to @mist-over-water on the phone for the first time after having known her for three years and I'm pretty sure we both cried

2010

met @mist-over-water for the first time in person. Took her to the beach where she promptly got roasted by the sun. Took her to the mountains. Took her out to practice driving in a local high school parking lot because why not. I cried so hard when she had to go home and God help me I'd only known her four years at that point.

Flunked a math class for the first time. Funny enough, it was because I'd been put in the advanced math courses for years and that was the year I both had a teacher I hated and could no longer reasonably fake my way through understanding math. Don't put your kids in advanced courses unless you're certain they can keep up with it people I only really was an advanced reader.

My dog Scruffy passed away :(

Started my senior year of high school

2011

Managed to graduate high school on time despite having to take 2 whole math courses during senior year (and with @mist-over-water 's who will now be referred to as Gabby because simplicity buddies sending me 'GRADUATE' messages so I'd have the motivation to go see her in person)

Got to go to England to see Gabby which, dream come true. Had a blast. Met the two precious nieces she had, her brother who's accent I couldn't understand, her mom who is one of the sweetest people, and her grandparents who I got to watch a lot of old British gameshows with.

Saw Wicked from second row seats in London.

Saw Cars 2 three times with Gabby which is why I'm still emotionally invested in Cars 2 because boy getting to see the sequel movie to the movie that ended up allowing you to cross paths with someone you really clicked with is AN. EXPERIENCE.

Cried when I finally had to leave because I was 18 and terrified of the future and didn't know when or if I'd ever see my friend in person again.

Started at community college in the film and video program

2012

Finished my first year of community college

Wrote my first original novel that will honestly never see the light of day. It's terrible ya'll

Through circumstances I still regret started losing my friendship with Gabby and boy do I hate who I was a person during that time

Started my second year of community college

2013

Worked on the X Factor as a production assistant.

Probably around this time that Gabby and I stopped talking which was better for us at that point. Still took an emotional toll to lose a friend that I'd known for 7 years at that point but in the long run we did need the distance (and I'm sorry to throw it all out here like this Gabby if you want it edited tell me I'm just putting it all out lmao)

Through a cosmic aligning of the universe by which I mean a special interest in both Minecraft and Achievement Hunter at the same time, I found a small Minecraft server that I could play on and met some really great people

Started my third year of community college

Oh yeah met @inspector-starfish from the Minecraft server for the first time in person, me and my brother stole her from her college and took her to the state fair with us.

2014

Started easing into talking to Gabby again (I remember the message with new baby Imogen!!!) Which was a blessing

I can't remember if it was 2014 or 2015 but at some point Gabby also hung out with me on the Minecraft server with my other buddies

Worked on Catfish as a Production Assistant for like 2 days and I still think I was fired lmao

My dad was arrested. Which is... The hardest thing to type out. Because everything before 2014 feels so distant because of the events.

He got put in jail and we bailed him out, but a month later he got arrested again and we couldn't bail him out this time.

God help me I'm so glad I had gotten back to talking to Gabby at this point I vaguely remember a sobbing Skype call between us.

I don't even remember what classes I was in at community college anymore that's how bad it is.

I basically dropped out though.

I stopped writing, I stopped drawing, I stopped... Being. That's really what it narrows down to. Only one of my real life friends knew what happened and I broke down everytime I thought about it so i'm pretty sure at one point I had a panic attack on my way to hang out with Friend A, who knew, and Friend B, who didn't.

I did start talking to @rhysispiecess that year. Through a post on here actually (we were also on the same Minecraft server but because I didn't really play that much that I remember after this whole thing I kinda forgot who he was).

I think (maybe???) I also met @belle-sourires and @youllthinkofsomething that year.

We moved from the house we'd lived in 13 years to a little rental house where we had the sweetest neighbors

2015

I spent a lot of time reading and crying in 2015 lmao

Also spent a lot of time talking to @rhysispiecess (the FNAF AU years God bless them for being a much needed distraction from real life)

Dad went to actual prison and boy that's an experience having to visit him there every week

We moved again this time to a small apartment

Got my first real job that wasn't being a production assistant (the same job I still have!)

Started to make actual attempts at writing again but struggled with it a lot

2016

For the first time since 2014 I actually wrote more than a simple one off story of the course of a month

Saved up my money and went to California to meet @rhysispiecess and @27thousandlizards.

Confused the shit out of Luke's (@27thousandlizards ) grandma

Was so tired I cried when I saw how little Corgi puppies are

Got to see @inspector-starfish and @youllthinkofsomething in San Diego where they were doing a robot thing as usual

Got to see the end bit of Route 66 cause wouldn't you know Rhys lives right near it (and as a huge Cars fan oh my God FATE)

Had an absolute blast with both Rhys and Luke and cried when I had to leave them because boy do I love friends

2017

Cars 3 came out and I transcended to a higher plane of being

Okay not really but I'm sure ya'll remember the days where I was mostly a Cars blog

100% I know I've said this before but all of the Cars movies have hit with specific messages at exactly the point in my life I needed to hear those messages so like. Poetic cinema.

Made some fantastic friends from those days

After 11 years of attempts at writing a redemption arc for a certain Cars character I finally wrote one and IT WAS GREAT

Cars 3 also managed to make me write again which has continued to be a struggle since 2014

Oh yeah became single again I was in a relationship but that ended TIME FOR ALONE (learned I'm still a terrible person who doesn't handle relationships well so hey not bad I'll leave people out of my overly anxious 'they must hate me' mentality)

2018

Fell out of writing again after the Cars 3 hype died down enough lmao

Got to meet @whipplefilter and @the-kings-tail-fin for a road trip around NC which was fantastic

Played way too much Nintendo Switch

Gabby got engaged and I absolutely cried for like an hour because how the fuck do you not cry when someone you've known for so long gets engaged (I'm still so happy for her @onetruejonsey seems like a really wonderful guy)

Oh yeah we moved again we have a real house now but the neighbors are redneck assholes

2019

Thanks to FNAF Help Wanted, I got whiplashed back into that fandom BUT I did start writing pretty regularly again. In fact I've written more this year than all the years since I stopped COMBINED. Which means I was both in the right headspace to actually want to write again as well as being able to keep myself focused on it.

Met Jodie Benson (ARIEL!!!!!!), Daniel Logan (KID BOBA FETT) and Christopher Sabat at GalaxyCon. Right. I went to my first convention despite being terrified of it

I cried like a bitch meeting Jodie Benson and she hugged me. I told Daniel Logan I'd had a crush on him as a kid and that Attack of the Clones was still my favorite Star Wars (which it is I wasn't lying) and he hugged me. Got to hear Sean Schemmel call Christopher Sabat out for being so friendly that his line was ridiculous which was great because boy did I not have enough money to meet more than three people. Christopher Sabat was fantastic too.

Went to DC with my 3 closest IRL buddies I've known since like 2008 and despite some arguments none of us killed each other. Nearly destroyed my feet from all the walking though. Don't know how we'd survive a trip to Japan which they all want to do.

Started formulating my next novel idea

It's been a long decade. Really the first half feels like it happened to another person.

I want to say, more than anything, if it weren't for Gabby I never would have had the courage to meet so many of my other online friends. She flew over here to meet me when I was 17 and she was 15 going on 16. We were so young and my dad and her mom worked so hard to make sure that we could actually meet each other and I'm forever thankful for that. I went across the ocean by myself at 18, an autistic disaster of a human, and somehow I didn't panic or get lost or anything. Without those experiences I never would have had the courage to do a lot of the things I've done since.

I'm still terrified of the future though. I have no idea if I'll even save enough money to go to England to see Gabby again (and God we actually need to talk more because I feel like a terrible friend ALL I DO IS SEND GIRAFFE PHOTOS). I don't even know what I want out of life.

Here's hoping though that I can continue to have some adventures and meet more of my online buddies in the next decade!

[mxrainbowsheep]

Sleep Over

Based on @bleepblopbloop56 ‘s amazing post!!!

Thank you for letting me write this!!

(It’s basically a regurgitation of what was said in the post, but I put my own spin in it, ans just wrote out what I could at 12:30 am.)

Pairings: Analogical and Royality

WC: 1048

TW: Infinitesimal amount of Swearing, and an infinitesimal mention of having panic attacks. (Not in detail)

—-—-—-—

Virgil was waiting in his room. He was waiting for his boyfriend, Logan, to show up for a sleep over.

Virgils parents, Roman and Patton, didn’t know they were dating, and Virgil was still struggling to figure out a way to tell his parents.

He was still too anxious to hear what they might have to say about it, every time he thought about bringing it up he would almost have a panic attack.

He honestly didn’t know why, he had two dads, why would they throw him out? Why would they yell at him for being in a relationship? He didn’t know. But those thoughts were still terrifying nonetheless.

Virgil looked through his phone, his knees draw up to his chest. He only was kind of looking at Tumblr then switching to MySpace, then back again. Again only vaguely looking at it, he was too busy trying to listen to the sound of cars driving by to see if it was Logan. Even though Virgil knew what time Logan would be there, as Logan was very punctual, even for a 16 year old.

Virgil finally heard a familiar crunching of gravel and hum of the engine, it was Logan’s. Or well, his older brother Emilie’s.

Virgil jumped off his bed and ran down the short hall to the stairs where he nearly fell down them because he was in such a rush.

“I thought we were all Americans but I think Virgil might be Russian.” Patton laughed at his dad joke,

While on the other hand Virgil an Roman groaned a little.

His dad, Patton, had an intense love of dad jokes, while his other dad Roman, had an intense love of theater and was really overly dramatic.

He loved both his dads equally though!

“What’s the rush Virge?” Roman said smiling, confidently. Like he always did.

“Uh.. I just.. wanted to uh-“

Ding Dong

Saved by the bell, Virgil thought, as he walked over to the door his two dads following him from behind.

He opened the door and there was Logan!

Logan was really tall, he was a good half a foot taller than Virgil, but still shorter than Roman, who stood at a whopping 6’2.

Logan glanced down at Virgil giving him a half smile then glancing up at Virgils parents.

“Hello Mr. and Mr. Meraq!” He smiled at them.

“You don’t have to be so formal we’ve known you for years Logan!” Roman spoke

“Please! Why don’t you come on in Logan, and make yourself at home!” Patton moved out of the way motioning

Roman moved too and so did Virgil. Logan looked back to the car that was parked out front and waved, from the doorway Virgil could see Emilie waved back, and then pulled out of the drive way and left. Meaning Logan was officially staying over at his house. For two nights.

Logan walked in, talking with Virgils parents, Roman closed the door behind them after Logan walked in.

Virgil stood at the island in the kitchen, while Logan sat in the chair next to the island. Virgil could feel the heat from his face. He got even more nervous when he reached over to hold Logans hand while his parents were turned around looking through the cabinets.

They all made casual small talk, Virges parents asking about Logan and his grades, Patton cracking a few dad jokes, Roman telling overly dramatic stories. Eventually Logan and Virgil were able to be set free from the parentals and go hang out in Virgils room.

When they got there, Virgil started walking around, like he was on autopilot, he looked around his room at his many different band posters. His mind kinda just spaced out, he was that nervous that logic just kinda, left.

He only stopped when he bumped into Logan. He looked up at his boyfriend, slightly jealous that his boyfriend was taller, but in an instance he forgot about that entirely, cause Logan’s hands fell on to Virgils cheeks which kinda made him levitate to his toes in his combat boots, to reach Logan. He was pulled close to Logans face and he could feel Logan’s breath on his face, neither could tell who connected the kiss, it was just kind of like a magnet.

Their first kiss was sweet and short, and it most definitely made Virgil blush a shade of fire engine red that Logan didn’t think was possible.

Virgil fell face flat onto his bed, then rolled over, as Logan sat down beside him.

“You’re such a dork,” Logan commented.

Virgil threw a pillow at Logan,

“Shut uppp!!” He looked away embarrassed now sitting up on his bed. Logan chuckled.

“You looked like a tomato, your face was that red.” Logan laughed.

“You’re so mean!!” Virgil laughed, and so did Logan. After a few seconds they stopped laughing and looked at each.

Logan was leaning over Virgil, and like magnets they started kissing, again, neither of them knew how to kiss, so it was a bit sloppy, but it was fun!

Knock Knock

“Hey Kiddos!! Pizza’s here!!”

Virgil was so frightened to hear Pattons voice, he pushed Logan off the side of his bed.

“I’ll see you two downstairs!”

Patton hadn’t opened the door which gave Virgil quite the relief.

*meanwhile downstairs*

Roman had heard a thud come from the upper floor right after Patton had announced the Pizza had arrived, so after Roman payed the delivery guy, he decided to investigate, because soon after Virgil and Logan had gone up stairs, he and his husband had made a bet on whether or not the two boys were dating.

*now back to our regularly scheduled Analogical*

Logan was bewildered.

He let out a quick

“Ow.”

As his head was still a little foggy.

“Sorry!!” Virgil responded leaning over the bed frame.

Logan got up and set his elbows on the bed, and adjusted his glasses.

“You still haven’t told them, have you?”

Virgil shook his head, “I just don’t want them to be mad..”

Logan kissed Virgil, just a peck this time.

“I understand,” he then planted another kiss this one longer.

Then the door suddenly opened, and Roman stood in the doorframe, grinning.

“YOU OWE ME TWENTY BUCKS!!” He yelled down the hallway, Patton’s voice quickly responded.

“FUCKING DAMMIT!!”

[annzy-bananzys-corner]

Truth or Dare: Coming Out Edition (Chapter 5: Time to Come Out)

Read on AO3 | Donate to my Ko-Fi if you like | Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6

A South Park Fanfiction ft. Creek, Style, and Bunny

Current time.

Tweek took a deep breath, stopping just before the room with all the beds. He had a little trouble finding Stan in Token’s giant house at first, but all he had to do was follow the sound of someone crying.

Swallowing nervously, Tweek pushed the door open, stepping quietly in and closing the door behind him. “Stan?”

The crying went quiet for a moment, replaced by sniffling. “... Tweek?”

“Yeah, it’s me, man.” He walked further in. Stan wasn’t in sight, but he quickly found him behind the third bed on the left, sitting with his back against the wall and his legs pulled up to his chest. “Can we talk?”

Stan exhaled quickly, shaking his head and closing his eyes in disbelief. “About what? I already embarrassed myself.”

“Well,” Tweek sat down across from him, his legs crossed as he stared at the floor. He chewed at his lip as he tried to think of what to say. God, he’d had this plan in his head, but of course it decided to leave his brain when he actually got there. “Look, I’m not going to pretend I know everything you’re going through right now. I never had to worry about “coming out” - hell everyone else knew I was gay before I did!”

Stan actually laughed a little at that, rubbing at his eyes with a sigh. “Yeah, that’s true.”

Tweek smiled a little, rubbing at the back of his neck as he continued. “So, yeah, I don’t know what that’s like. But I do know fear .” He looked up at Stan, glad to see he had his attention. “I’ve been afraid of everything my whole life, man. And it fucking sucks. You lie awake at night, thinking of everything that terrifies you, and it squeezes your chest like it wants to break your ribs and pierce your organs!” Tweek stopped and took a breath, since his own chest was starting to feel tight. “And... it feels like there’s no way out. Like everything’s out to get you.”

Stan curled up a bit more, sniffling as he looked at the floor between them. “That’s exactly what it’s like.”

“I know,” Tweek scooted closer, placing a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. “But it doesn’t have to be like that forever.” He took his hand away, giving a small smile. “This goes without saying, but I’ve improved a lot since me and Craig got together. I feel more in control, I only have panic attacks like, four times a year now. Sure, sometimes my fears still get the better of me, but I’m happier.”

“That’s great, man.” Stan smiled, wiping away the last of his stray tears.

“It is.” Tweek agreed, his smile going away as he added, “but Craig can’t take all the credit - I had to decide that enough was enough. I had to decide that I was tired of being afraid all the time, and you know the scariest thing of all?”

“What?” Stan asked, completely entranced.  

“I had to accept that I needed help,” Tweek finished. He looked down, recounting, “I had to learn how to trust other people to help me. I had to open up, even if I was terrified while I did. No one else could make me do that, I had to do that.” He looked back up, staring right into Stan’s wet eyes. “Just like you have to if you want to get over this.”

Stan took a deep breath, his eyes turning glassy as he stared into space. Tweek… he knew what he was talking about. And Stan was tired; he was tired of being afraid. Afraid of judging peers, of his own feelings, of change. He’d wanted to talk with someone about all of this for so long now, but his fear always made him shut up. “How did you… make yourself talk, even though you were scared?”

“Honestly, it took a few tries.” Tweek laughed a little, shaking his head. “And you don’t have to talk about everything right away. It… it helps if you have someone patient to talk to. Like a psychologist.”

“I can’t do that.” Stan felt his familiar fear seeping into his bones. “I’m not ready for… that.”

“It’s really not that bad,” Tweek tried to convince him. “It was scary the first few times, but… I’m glad I went to a real counselor.”

“I can’t.” Stan swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’d have to tell my parents, and my dad would be a fucking asshole about it.”

“Right, right…” Tweek sighed. “Sorry, I forgot.”

“It’s okay.” Stan took a breath, looking up at the tired blonde. Someone patient to talk to… or, maybe several people? Kenny was always willing to listen, and Butters was always full of sympathy and random bits of wisdom. And Kyle… he could be harsh, but he’d always tell him what he truly thought. About anything, even difficult things. “Tweek… thank you.” He let go of his legs, letting them lay flat on the ground as he wiped at his eyes again. “I think I know what I want to do now.”

“Yeah?” Tweek smiled, moving to stand up. “That’s great, man.”

Stan smiled a little, using the bed to help him stand. “I… I want to tell Kyle everything. Even if it scares me.”

“Everything?” Tweek’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Yes.” Stan looked up at him. For the first time in a long time, he felt sure about something. “It’s like you said - I’m so tired of being afraid. And Kyle… he’s at the center of it.”

“Geez.” Tweek rubbed at his forearm. “That sucks.”

Stan snorted. “Tell me about it. Ugh,” he rubbed a hand down his face. “Now I have to face everyone…”

“I’ll help,” Tweek offered. “Or try to, anyway. Clyde can be a handful.”

“They’re all a handful,” Stan scoffed, heading towards the door. “But really, what am I afraid of? I already outed myself to everyone. Might as well embrace it.”

~~~~~

“Do you think Stan hates me now!?” Butters blubbered, clinging desperately to Kenny’s shirt as the boy rubbed his back comfortingly. “Oh, of course he does! I can’t believe I just blurted that out!”

“I can’t believe you two kissed at all,” Kenny grumbled. The other guys were busy playing Super Smash Brothers, but he could feel Kyle and Timmy’s eyes on him. “Look, Buttercup, Stan’s going through a lot right now. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I’m sure he doesn’t hate you.”

Butters sniffled more and buried his face against Kenny’s shoulder. “You’re, you’re right… I’ll just apologize, and… and…!”

“And?” Kenny prompted with a whisper.

Butters swallowed, mumbling so quietly that Kenny could barely hear, “I’ll come out, too.”

Kenny’s eyes widened. He glanced over at Kyle, who quickly glanced away. “Butters, are… you sure? Your parents -”

“Aw, these guys won’t tell anyone, right?”

“Have you met Clyde?”

“Well, I don’t care anymore!” More tears started streaming down Butters’ face. “I’m so tired of, of hiding my feelings!”

“Shh,” Kenny tried soothing him, stroking his hair back and easing his head back onto his shoulder. “Okay, okay… If you really want to, of course I’m fine with it.”

Butters sniffled, smiling softly against him. “Thanks, Ken.”

Kenny smiled softly back at him before looking at the TV. He couldn’t believe all of the drama happening around him. Part of him was a little miffed that Stan had went to Butters to experiment with instead of him, and another part of him was more miffed that Butters had never told him about it. Wasn’t he supposed to be terrible at keeping secrets?? Ugh, he should calm down - Stan was going to come back eventually, and who knows what kind of state he’ll be in. He’d just forget about it. He’d already known Butters had kissed before - he’d had girlfriends in the past. He’d just… thought he had been his first male kiss, that’s all.

“Ken?” Butters whispered, looking up at him with those shiny eyes of his. “You’re not mad at me, are you?”

Kenny sighed, glancing away. “What would I have to be mad at you for?”

“You know.” Butters swallowed, burying his face against Kenny’s chest. “Kissing Stan?”

Kenny chewed at his bottom lip, helpless at resisting the urge to run his fingers through that blonde tuft of hair. It was so soft, just like the boy in his lap. “No, no. I mean, unless we were dating when you kissed him.”

“No!” Butters lifted his head, staring at Ken with fresh tears in the corners of his eyes. “I would never! We kissed last year - I was trying to help him out, like you always help people out!”

“Shh, shh,” Kenny put a finger to his lips, smiling softly at him. “It was a joke. I know you’d never do something like that.”

Butters sighed in relief, rubbing at his eyes again. “Ugh. I’m gonna get dehydrated.”

“I could make you wet again~”

“Kenny!!” Butters pushed at his face, but an amused smile was worming its way onto his lips. “That’s not funny.”

“Then why are you smiling~?”

“Because you’re ridiculous!” Butters laughed, shaking his head. He leaned in for a quick kiss, but before he could he heard two sets of footsteps approaching the room. He turned to look, gasping as he saw Stan and Tweek returning.

“Hey, guys.”

The game was immediately paused as everyone turned to look at the room’s entrance. Tweek was giving a nervous smile and playing with his fingers, while Stan had a hand clasped to his opposite forearm, avoiding looking at anyone.

“Stan,” Kyle spoke up first, getting to his feet and heading over. “Dude, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Stan nodded, looking over at Tweek with a small smile. “I’m feeling better.” He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before looking at everyone else. “I’m sorry I’ve been weird all night, guys. But, you know, I guess it’s time I just… say it.” He closed his eyes, taking a few breaths. He felt as if his heart was stopping. Was he really going through with this? This was insane, wasn’t it? Was he even completely sure -

He jumped a little as he felt someone take his hand. He looked over, surprised that Tweek had taken his hand and squeezed it, giving him a reassuring smile. “You can do it, Stan.”

Stan smiled back, squeezing his hand before pulling away. “Thanks, Tweek.” He turned back to the room, taking another deep breath and closing his eyes. He was ready, he was ready. He wanted to do this, he needed to do this:

“I’m bi, and fuck whatever my gender is!”

He tensed up, anticipating negativity to be given back to him. But, of course, everyone present was more or less supportive.

“Woohoo!” Kenny pumped a fist in the air. “I hear that!”

“Duh.” Jimmy rolled his eyes.

“You kinda already said that earlier,” Token pointed out.

“Timmy,” he joined in on rolling his eyes at how obvious it was.

“Beautiful! Amazing!” Clyde clapped fast and quick like the excited boy he was. “Inspirational!!”

“Took ya long enough,” Craig huffed.

“Stan,” Kyle just smiled, pulling him into a hug. “That took a lot of courage. I’m proud of you.”

Tears once again started falling from his eyes. He sniffled and hugged Kyle tight, smiling wide. “Thanks, Kyle. That means a lot.” He pulled away, staring into his eyes. “And I promise to talk with you more, about… everything.”  

“Everything?” Kyle seemed confused. “Didn’t you just say everything?”

“No, not really,” Stan replied quietly, glancing away again. “Later, I promise.”

“I’m really happy for you, Stan!” Butters exclaimed, having gotten to his feet halfway through. “But I’m still really sorry for what I said earlier -”

“Yeah, that sucked,” Stan agreed, tugging Kyle over to the center of the couch. “But it’s cool now, man.”

“It’s not cool!” Butters swallowed, staring down at the ground. “So, to… to make up for it, I have an announcement!” He looked over at Kenny, who simply gave him two thumbs up and a calm smile. “I’m bi, too!” Butters exclaimed happily, placing his hands on his hips. “And Kenny and I are dating!”

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Jimmy mumbled.

“YES!” Clyde leaped to his feet, jumping up and down. “I called it! I so called it! Jimmy, you owe me twenty bucks!!”

“But Kenny’s a t-total manwhore!” Jimmy argued, crossing his arms. “I ref-fuse to believe this.”

“Hey!” Butters interrupted, scowling at them. “Kenny’s a great boyfriend!!”

“Yeah,” Kyle spoke up for his friend. “I mean, okay, when he’s not dating anyone, anything’s fair game, but when he is dating someone - he’s loyal.”

“Aww,” Kenny held his hands over his heart, positively touched. “Thanks, guys!”

Butters huffed and went back over to cuddle up to Kenny, sticking his tongue out at Jimmy.

Kenny chuckled and kissed Butters’ forehead, explaining further, “We started dating two weeks after Suzette broke up with him.”

“Kenny’s great at comforting people,” Butters complimented, smiling brightly up at him. They held gazes for a moment until Butters frowned, looking back at the others. “But you guys can’t tell anyone, all right? Oh, my parents would kill me if they knew…”

“That’s an exaggeration, right??” Tweek asked, starting to sweat nervously. “Oh, god!”

“We’re not sure.” Kenny sighed, looking down at the ground. “Just, please… don’t tell anyone.” He coughed the name “Clyde” under his breath.

“Hey!” Clyde whined. “I’m not gonna tell anybody!!”

“And if he does, I’ll beat him up,” Craig promised.

“Ditto,” Token promised.

“Timmy!” he spoke up, finishing with his monitor, “And I’ll run him over.”

“Wow, what great friends I have!” Clyde throws up his hands in exasperation.

“You l-love us,” Jimmy teased.

Clyde just continued to grumble. Until Token unpaused their video game, then he screeched and scrambled for his controller. “I wasn’t ready! No one attack me yet!!”

[a-functional-lowlife-blog]

8.11.19

So I’ve never really utilized anything other than a diary to jot down my daily feels, but something tells me I might find some comfort knowing that nobody can sneak into my room and read my journal. Tumblr seems like a good enough void to dump these thoughts into. Maybe it’s my psyche craving a positive outlet.. Id rather this be private, but sometimes connections supposed to help, right?  If topics of abuse, death, suicide, or depression trigger you, please do not continue reading. So I guess, let’s start from the top.

I’m 2X years old, & I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing with my life right now. I’m a gamer, & employed, But it’s not like I”m pursuing some great dream. I’m kind of coasting through life, trading experiences for fragments of myself. But I’m honestly rather content, at the moment. I make decent enough money. I can afford to shelter myself, feed myself, & entertain myself. So to some people, yeah it might look like i’ve had it pretty easy. In some ways, I have; in others, not really. 

It was just me & my mom growing up. Dad wasn’t around, & i don’t really want to get into that right now. My mom did everything she could for me. And I, of course being a growing hormonal boy, never truly appreciated it until I got into the real world. Thanks mom. She low-key prepared me for almost anything. I graduated high school, no special titles or accolades, but I could hear her screaming well above the entire stadium of parents when they called my name. I hope I can make her that proud again someday. I haven’t seen her in almost 4 years. Life can be a bitch like that once you’re an actual adult.

Since graduating high school, I’ve fathered a child, a little girl, who continues to blow my mind every day, with her brains & beauty. Damn, my ugly mug made one amazing little girl. Everything I do, I do for her. Even when it doesn’t seem like it. The mother & I are still on fantastic terms, but we separated a couple years after the birth. It just didn’t work as a healthy relationship anymore, & our daughter deserved better than that. 

After we parted ways, I got myself tangled up with a girl that, in hindsight, I should have never said hello to. Now don’t get me wrong, the first 2 years were truly magical. She was young, beautiful, petite body, alternative with piercings & tattoos. Which was basically me, young, rather handsome, fit body, alternative with piercings and tattoos. A match, it would seem, made in heaven. She made me feel alive again. She reinvigorated me to my soul, showed me new experiences I never could have imagined, or dared to do otherwise. I felt happy. Which for me, is a rather fleeting bird, one that’s typically driven away by the raven. It was just like a fairy-tale. We all know those aren’t real. I should have seen the warning signs. The “red flags” that everyone says I ignored. But red flags look like regular flags when looking through rose-tinted glass. If you’ve stumbled upon this by chance, & are triggered by abuse, or suicide, I suggest you stop reading now. 

It started out with little things. Roast-like insults, but sometimes they hurt a little more than they should. Which, obviously, led my mind to tell me “stop being so sensitive.” I’d let it slide. As we approached the 2 year mark, it started getting nastier. Her patience with me was very thin. The smallest error, like I forgot to pick up soda on the way home from my 10 hour shift once, led to me being belittled with insults to my intelligence & even attacks on my dedication to her. It only got worse as time went on. I silently cried myself to sleep most nights. My self-esteem was in an entirely different dimension by this point. I’ve become completely submissive to her. I looked at myself in the mirror one night, after doing things that I regret doing, and being disgusted in myself for letting it get so bad. For never stepping back up & standing my ground. I got us through homelessness. I had helped her get help because she had a severe mental illness that I will not put here. Her every wish, within my power, was my command. Why should I tolerate being treated like something stuck to the bottom of her shoe when kindness didn’t suit her?  So I did. That was the first time she hit me. Just once, open palmed to my left temple.

It didn’t stop. It got worse. I will not go into details, because almost 3 years later, I still panic when I try to think about those months. Most of my friends & family do not know how bad it got. And those that do, do not even know who she even was. It collapsed faster when I started to dissociate after multiple (thankfully) failed suicide attempts. I started cheating, trying to get her to leave me, since she wouldn’t allow me to leave her without threatening to kill herself. “You’re my soulmate, I won’t live without you.” She kept me in that state of submissive fear for another year, using the same lines. Using the same deflection tactics to make me question myself. All while calling me her “soul mate”. I hate that fucking word now. 

But I did finally get the courage to leave. In the middle of the night, a train ride back to my hometown. She tried to work back into my life a few times over the next 2 years. I eventually stopped talking to her, because she would always try to convince me to come back to her, that it can be different, that she’s willing to start over. So I stopped talking to her last year. And now, I can’t anymore, because last month, she killed herself. I honestly never stopped loving her. I can feel the hole where her energy used to be, the bits she contributed to my soul, snuffed out.. I blame myself for her suicide. And I hate that I fell in love with such a beautiful, toxic soul.

We can skip over the few fling relationships I held while in my hometown, except for one girl, who I will forever thank for showing me what a true loving, healthy relationship, based on trust and open communication can actually be like. We got into it knowing we were on a time limit, because I was already in the process of saving up to move again, this time, 3,000 miles away. But we had good chemistry, and I think the relationship was the perfect amount of time for both of us. She’s a LoZ girl. Major fan. As in, owns every game, tons of merch, follows tons of streamers on Twitch who play Legend of Zelda, especially if it’s Ocarina of Time. Coastal gamer girl is probably the best description of her. She’s still one of my best friends, & I talk to her on occasion. She’s super happy, and living a rather adventurous life. I’m super happy for her. 

Our fateful day came, and I had to move away. She comforted me during the entire packing process. Which literally filled 2 boxes I shipped to my new address, my military backpack, & a laptop case. It still resulted in 8 hours of back to back anxiety attacks. I only knew TWO people in the town where I was moving to. One of them, I had never physically met before in our entire 14 year friendship. So, rightfully, I was terrified to leave. I’d reconnected with old friends in my hometown. I’d met an amazing girl in my hometown. I’d landed a really fantastic job in the medical field in my hometown. What was I thinking?! Leave all of THIS?!

But I knew why. She knew why. Everyone in my life knew why. The answer was simple. Yeah, I had a good job, a good girl, & a relatively good life. But I wasn’t truly happy. In my soul. Just as I was in the states I’ve lived before. And that was okay. We had the perfect amount of happiness.

So here I am, in an undisclosed new location, three-thousand miles away from my hometown. And honestly, I’m happier here than I’ve ever been anywhere else. Do I see myself dying here? No, not really. But I could kick it here for a decade or so, if the fates allow my life that long? Sure. The best friend I’d never met before, is just as amazing in person. We play video games together now & then, and go out to the downtown bar scene sometimes for karaoke. There’s 3 roommates total. I enjoy being their roommate. Also, there’s 4 cats. who I absolutely love, and will contemplate posting their pictures here too, for memories sake.

I’ve made some really amazing friends, especially one girl in particular. She’s been very good to me, in many ways. Dinners, events, concerts, party weekend for my last birthday to pass. All while both of us just have a blast around each other. She’s helped me alot these last few months, everything from food to rent, while I struggled to find work, & get on my own two feet. I struggled for 5 months before I landed myself where I am now. So to celebrate, she & I went and got tattoos today.

I got a tattoo of the chemical structure of serotonin on my wrist. To remind myself to be happy, because I’ve already spent so much time being sad. And that I’m going to keep making myself happier, by staying true to myself, learning & growing from the events I’ve been through in my life, both good and bad. Creative, & destructive. Because it’s all molded me into who I am now.

So really without getting into childhood stories, high school shenanigans, & college hijinx, that’s the story of Z. A recent handle I’ve taken to lately, in case someone does decide to read this. I’d like to add to this little... off-site journal once a week, maybe more often.

That’s all I’ve got for today. I’m sufficiently stoned now, & would like to return to playing Apex Legends.

Signing off, 

Z

[red-wardens]

DA Questions

Tagged by: @goblin-deity and @gothkimmyschmidt -- thank you :)

Tagging: @jaffa-keksi @chillyrose @dickeybbqpit @mocha-writes @the-dread-doggo @heraldofwho @keeperscompanionsdai @space-vashoth (if you guys haven’t done it already. if you have, tag me so i can see!)

–---------

01) Favorite game of the series?

Dragon Age 2. I love the bisexual disaster companions and how they have friends/relationships/lives outside of you. And I love Hawke and their tragic story. I also like having years passing with the same protagonist/companions instead of “my new companions and I had one crazy year together”. Plus fighting mechanics were my favorite in this game. 

02) How did you discover Dragon Age?

I saw gifs of Morrigan on tumblr years ago (back when DA2 was still new) and thought, “holy shit, she’s pretty I should play that”, and just never got around to it till a couple years later till when I saw a lot of gifs of default Marian Hawke and thought “she’s gorgeous and funny and I would die for her” (I still can’t believe I used to think I was straight...) and then found out she’s not till the second game so I hurried up and bought Origins to play first. Then got hooked, Origins has such a great story.

03) How many times you’ve played the games?

I’m on my 4th and 5th (playing simultaneously) playthroughs of Origins, I’ve played DA2 either 6 or 7 times. Inquisition I’ve only played once and I skipped most of the side missions because that game is so long.

04) Favorite race to play as?

Elf. I love dwarves a lot though and if they could do magic they’d easily be the fave. 

05) Favorite class?

Mage. I like healing and not having to get close to enemies. 

06) Do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

I try to play differently each time and role play hard (ex: certain mage OC’s are only allowed to have skills in certain fields of magic even if it’s inconvenient for me, my traumatized-by-Carver’s-death Hawke who is triggered by seeing ogres can only “hold position” when one appears and I can only fight as the companions because she’s having a panic attack). In Origins I like to put someone different on the throne each time, side with mages once and templars the next, and have companions love/hate me according to my OC’s personality (and not cheat by using the Feast Day gifts). In DA2 I have a different personality Hawke each time and they make varying choices but in the end I have never sided with templars. I think in my 2nd Inquisition playthrough I’ll side with templars though out of curiosity. 

07) Go-to adventuring group?

Always depends on who is the love interest and who are the closest friends of my protagonist. Even if the team comp is terrible. 

08) Which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

Blue Surana was my first character ever so she’s had the longest time of me adding/subtracting/updating her and her story. That being said I like to think I’ve put a lot of thought into my Mahariel and Amell as well. Out of my Hawkes, Claira is the most developed. 

09) Favorite romance?

Fenris. 

10) Have you read any of the comics/books?

I've read all the comics and I’ve read “The Calling” and “The Last Flight” I plan to read the other books soon hopefully. 

11) If you read them, which was your favorite book?

I really recommend The Last Flight if you’re a die hard Grey Wardens fan like me. The main character inspired the name for my Mahariel. 

12) Favorite DLCs?

 I genuinely forgot Awakening is DLC since it came with my game but, yeah. I love all the companions in Awakening and I wish it were longer. “The Exiled Prince” is also another fave since I genuinely like Sebastian Vael and he’s a kickass squadmate. 

13) Things that annoy you.

The white-washing, what happened to Orsino, the way Inquisition doesn’t take into account Hawke could have been a blood mage, no healing as an Inquisition mage, the fucking Requisition Officer, the way you can’t be nicer to Sera, no dwarf romances, and how the Inquisitor can’t call Cullen out on certain things (Cassandra too, honestly, though I love her she can be really insensitive to other cultures). That’s just in the games, don’t even get me started on some of the fandom. 

14) Orlais or Ferelden?

Frozen Dog Lovers > Snooty Elf Oppressors, any day 

15) Templars or mages?

Mages, no contest.

16) If you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

I have 3 worldstates that I have playthroughs for, and a Multi-Warden AU

Worldstate 1 - Arcane Warrior/Battlemage/Fire Mage, mutual-pining-for-Sten, grey-sexual Blue Surana + Spirit Healer/Ice Mage, Fenris Romance, gay Akono Hawke

Worldstate 2 - Ranger/Assasin Archer, Zevran Romance, straight Isseya Mahariel + Blood Mage/Earth Mage, Sebastian rivalmance, panromantic/ace Henley Hawke

Worldstate 3 - Blood Mage/Spirit Healer/Entropy Mage, Leliana Romance, bisexual Alyss Amell (dies) + Shadow/Dual-Blade Rogue, Anders Romance, bisexual Claira Hawke

Multi-Warden AU: Blue Surana is main warden and recruits the others after Ostagar forming what I call the “Warden Squad”. Most thought-out world, that I have the most writing for but will probably never get around to writing the actual fic. We will see. Also, I need to make some Inquisitors for all these worldstates....they’re planned out I just need to force myself to actually play them. 

17) What did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

Mabari’s: Rabbit (Blue Surana), Dog (Isseya Mahariel), Teddy (Alyss Amell), Tor (Akono Hawke),  Better Carver “BC” (Henley Hawke), Bear (Claira Hawke). Isseya Mahariel numbers her wolf and bear summons A-# for wolves and B-# for bears. 

18) Have you installed any mods?

I play on xbox so nah, sadly. 

19) Did your Warden want to become a Grey Warden?

Blue Surana didn’t want to leave the Circle and Isseya Mahariel didn’t want to give up searching for Tamlen so “no” for both of them, but they both were amazing at it. Alyss Amell, as much as it terrified her to leave to fight things, wanted to be free of Kinloch Hold. 

20) Hawke’s personality?

Akono is almost exclusively Purple though he has rare Blue moments when speaking to Carver or sometimes Fenris. 

Henley is solidly Red except maybe once or twice chose purple banter for talking to her only friend, Varric. 

Claira is the most varied in that she’s split 60-40 between Blue and Red, meaning well and wanting to be all good/peaceful, but having a wild, passionate temper when defending mages and her friends/family. I also headcanon she has the foulest mouth of my Hawkes though she actively tries to stop cursing it’s an unbreakable habit. She’s also a shameless flirt and hits that heart button almost every single time it comes up (I wouldn’t consider her Purple at all though since she isn’t sarcastic and is the type to laugh at jokes rather than make her own).  

21) Did you make matching armor for your companions in Inquisition?

I made Cole and I matching outfits because I love him ._.

22) If your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

This could get long if I listed everyone so, Blue Surana regrets not telling Sten how she felt sooner, though she doubts it would have changed anything. Isseya Mahariel wishes Tamlen could have been found sooner so the Joining could have saved him. 

23) Do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

My entire Multi-Warden AU is a big “fuck you” to canon because all those potential wardens deserve to live dammit.

24) Who did you leave in the Fade?

In this house we do not leave Hawkes in the Fade. So, sorry Loghain :(

25) Favorite mount?

I legit forgot I had a mount 90% of the time. At least I got to hear more dialogue I guess. 

[kinsbin]

Jealousy

Title: Jealousy Word Count:  2089 Ship: Dale/Alexys [Canon/Self Insert]

Summary: Alexys and Dale have been friends ever since they had escaped the horrors of the cannibal backwoods of Virginia together. Spending so much time together, Dale slowly begins to realize he has feelings for her. It only takes one asshole at a bar to confirm it.

Author’s Note: A writing comm for @bad-blue-moon-rising! I ALMOST FORGOT TO POST IT BC I GOT SO BUSY WITH CHRISTMAS STUFF BUT! Ilu Alexys here u go <3

Her time away from home had been...enlightening.

The troubles of life were far from nonexistent, of course, but Alexys counted herself lucky in more ways than one. She had survived a forest filled of terrifying cannibals who made it a game to hunt her down like game on their own personal reserve. In that process, she had also garnered a close friend in the form of ex-marine veteran Dale. The man had stuck by her side since they first met in the dark, terrifying forest a night before being attacked by the cannibals yet again from either side. With his help, though, she had escaped. He had too. They had both crawled out of the forest that fateful night clinging to one another for dear life, but alive and kicking nonetheless. She could remember it in pieces only, though. Of holding onto his arm as he helped drag her through the mud. Of arriving at the nearby town and being taken in by the police. Of whispers on how it was alright. How he’d protect her. How, in the moment of panic, he had promised to keep her safe. How, in her own moment, she had been desperate to believe him.

He hadn’t failed in the promise so far, though, and for that she could only admire the man. After their anxiety had passed for the evening, he took her to his hometown not a few miles out of the town they had managed to find sanctuary in. He offered his home to her, a spare bed in an inn close to his home so that she could be sure he was only a phone call away. It had given her comfort where she thought there would be none. Rather than being tossed onto the street to fend for herself in a world that was now, perhaps, a bit too terrifying and full of nightmares for her to be comfortable with, he stuck by her side. He kept himself close and, with it, kept their friendship strong.

Alexys hadn’t expected to move into the same town as Dale, the small apartment she had rented only for a short while with his help soon turning into a full time lease and then longer with her approval of a job at the local diner...But was how things had happened. The world, she had learned, was full of surprises certainly.

“You good, kid?”

Dale’s voice startled her out of her train of thought as she gripped the tumblr of drink tight between her fingertips, turning to face him with wide blue eyes. His own eyes matched hers with patient expectancy, his own grip wrapped loosely around his second beer of the night. In the low light of the bar they were at, his hair sparkled silver like a halo around his face. Biting her lip, Alexys smiled and gave a coy shrug while touching at the rim of her glass. It was filled mostly with virgin bloody mary mix, the alcohol taste an annoying sting in the back of her throat if nothing else.

“Fine,” She murmured, “I was just thinking…”

“What about?”

“How I first moved in and started living here...How you helped me settle in and all that which-” She held up a finger at him warningly, “I’m still totally going to pay you back for and-”

“Alexys,” Dale’s groan sounded almost like a half chuckle, “We’ve been through this. You don’t owe me anything.”

“But-!” She had begun to protest with a soft whine in her tone, but a stern look from Dale had her biting her lip softly instead. He had always been able to do that, ever since they had first met. One fierce and capable look between the two of them and Alexys couldn’t help but relent to him, shutting her mouth from the argument in favor of playing with the tumblr that her drink came in with a pout. Hair was brushed behind her ear again as she mumbled, “You should at least let me pay you back for the down payment…”

A hand reached out, ruffling her hair and making her jump in surprise. Dale stood up as he let his hand rest on her head, his smile turning warm again as he nudged her, “We’ve been through hell together, kid. We almost got our arms ripped off, respectively, by asshole cannibals and you still worry about shit like paying me back for something like an apartment? When I was friends with the landlord for 15 years?” His laugh was warm and hearty, filled with hospitality and the beers he had sipped at with her at his side.

“I’m not making fun of you,” he added softly, “It’s a good quality to have, just, don’t worry about it with me.I’m just happy you’re alive enough to even think about things like that.”

His words softened her heart and allowed a nod of her head to him. She took a sip of her drink as he mumbled something about using the bathroom, words she couldn’t hear against the thrumming of the bar music as he left her alone. Alexys took a breath to try and control her anxiety, hands stretching against her own glass as she took another sip and shut her eyes, sighing as she tried to recollet her thoughts and opinions of the evening out. Drinking wasn’t her thing, but, Dale insisted it would be an amusing enough place without the need for alcohol. The fact that they offered virgin drinks was a good sign, at least, and she had found her eyes wandering to the televisions on either side of the bar more than once. The atmosphere was...homey. It matched the warmth of the town they lived in. She couldn’t say that she disliked it. She COULD say that, maybe, she would pick their hangout place next time they needed a night of friend time.

A hand set itself dangerously close to her form, sending her jumping out of her brief soiree of thought. Alexys looked up, expecting to see Dale having returned from his excursion. Instead, her stomach dropped at the man at her side. A stranger she had not seen before whose outfit gave him the appearance of a trucker who had just rolled into town. His sneer was just as ugly as his eyes, not in color but in intent, as they bored into her. Their fierceness made Alexys cringe back without realizing it, her body reflexively bringing the drink closer to her body to help make herself as small as possible.

“Aw, relax now little lady,” The guy laughed with amusement, “I don’t bite much, promise. Just saw you sittin’ here alone and thought you could use some company.”

“Uh,” She swallowed as the man took the stool Dale had been previously occupying, finding the space less than pleasant now with the stranger eyeing her with what only could be described as slight hunger in his eyes, “A-Actually um...That seat’s kinda...taken and...m-me and my friend are-He’s-”

“He?” The stranger snorted, breaking the personal space between them further, “I promise you, I can be way more fun than that friend of yours, cutie. You want to grab a drink with me and blow this place or something? I could give you a ride in my semi, she’s a real beauty. I don’t make the offer to any old girl.”

As he pushed himself closer, Dale exited the restroom with little on his mind. His eyes locked with the scene before him and he felt a strong sense of...anger? Frustration? ...Jealousy? Burning within his stomach like someone had struck a match that made his heartbeat fast and his pulse rise with every passing moment. The sound of the music was drowned out by the sound of his anger as it boiled and frothed in the corners of his mind, teeth gritting together so hard he felt himself slowly gain a toothache from the effort. Dale barely felt his feet move as he all but stalked up to the two talking, the force of his appearance parting the sea of people in the bar with ease.

A hand flew up onto the other man’s shoulder, yanking him back so that he faced Dale.

“Yo, dude,” The guy’s voice was angry as he was moved away, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

He glared at Dale and stood straight, the two men equaly as tall as one another. The room felt supercharged as they held eyes, like two bulls refusing to back down from a fight.

“Rejoining my friend back in MY seat,” Dale growled darkly, “Best you move along, don’t you think?”

“Come on now,” He shrugged, “We were just having a friendly chat, weren’t we darlin?”

Alexys swallowed and shook her head no as fast as possible, moving out of her seat to rush behind Dale, who glared darkly at the man before him. The man gritting his teeth, fists clenching as he watched Alexys run. Unsavory words filtered from his mouth and, well, to be honest Dale can’t remember who flew the first punch. Most said it was the stranger, so angry with not getting the girl in the end that he dared try to punch the well known ex-marine in the face. Dale only remembered the blood on his knuckles at the end of it and the slowly growing bruise on his cheek that resulted from a decently-aimed hit.

He remembered helping escort the other man out of the bar, kicking him out as he yelled not to come back. The other running with his tail between his legs like a godfearing coward.

Alexys touched his arm, making him flinch before looking down at her.

Her gaze was so soft. So worried for him as she moved him back to the side of a bar no one was using, the bartender passing them pieces of gauze and bandages and alcohol (both for rubbing and for drinking) before going on his way. “Here,” Alexys murmured, “Let me help.”

He didn’t stop her as she dabbed the disinfectant on his cheek. He didn’t flinch as he leaned into her touch, grows furrowing as he watched her own concentrated face. “Why?” Her question was soft.

“Why what?”

“Why did you punch that guy for me? It was...pretty stupid, honestly. You could have just taken him down without hurting his nose like that.”

“Guy deserved to be as ugly as he was inside.”

“That’s all the reason?”

It wasn’t accusatory, rather, curious as she finished cleaning off his cheek, moving to the bruises on his knuckles and dried blood of the other man that she dabbed carefully away. Dale watched in silence, not answering as he began to think himself. Why had he gotten so angry? So jealous when he saw the man just...sitting with her? Just seeing her even being looked at by that guy -buy any guy he realized- made him sick to his stomach. He stared at her hands and how small they were compared to his as she held it close to her chest.

He wanted to be the one whose hand she was always holding…

The thought clicked into place in his brain. The final peace of a puzzle falling from hands to table as all of the light faded out of the bar only to focus on her. On her beautiful eyes. The way she bit her lip as she concentrated. How she brushed her hair back when she spoke to him, the smile always faint and lined on her lips when he made a joke. How she was so perfectly, irrevocably, beautifully HER that it made his chest tight just seeing her. HOlding her. Wanting to hold her more.

“Because I-”

The words caught in his throat as she looked up, doe eyed and soft as he inhaled sharply. He let it out in a sigh, face peppered with red.

“I didn’t like seeing you that uncomfortable. You know I always have your back.”

She smiled at him and his heart fluttered. She laughed as they continued to talk, tension fading as she cleaned him up and she scolded him as he did. His heart...hurt for some reason. A vast hurt centered in his stomach as he withheld his true reasoning. A vast adoration at how beautiful she looked at his side.

Confessions, he supposed, could wait a night longer. For now he just wanted to watch. To see just how damn beautiful she was like this...Like always.

More than a bruise was punched into him that night...and, to be honest, Dale was pretty okay with it.