#i just genuinely haven't been able to do it because i want to salvage at least some of my attack ratio

[sweet-beezus]

When I have enough time and energy to finally accomplish my goal of making an Org. XIII mass attack, it's all over for you beeyooteeful souls (threatening)

[jayflrt]

𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧 𝟕𝟖𝟔 15. ugly truths

YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAM WAS TO MARRY PARK SUNGHOON.

Even before you developed a genuine crush on him, you fantasized about marrying Sunghoon at a young age. Your parents always fawned over the young boy's appearance, and they would constantly pester you about how they wanted a handsome son-in-law like Sunghoon. You would brush their comments off back then, but a small stir in your chest dared to daydream about how wonderful of a boyfriend your best friend would be.

When he asked you out, you thought you were in the clouds. It must have been one of the best things that happened to you because you were certain that Sunghoon would meet some drop-dead gorgeous model after he was signed under Prada. You hardly entertained any talks of dating him before because you were so scared that something would burst the swell of hope in your chest.

Now that you tasted the reality of being Sunghoon's girlfriend, it was awfully bitter.

You knew that there were several consequences going into this decision; not only were your parents going to be upset, but you were possibly ruining years of friendship with both Sunghoon and Heeseung with this decision. Although you cared about the two boys deeply, you were so tired of feeling drained by your own relationship.

Plus, Heeseung had been acting weird, too. You weren't convinced as of late that he had purely platonic intentions, but it made your stomach turn every time you pondered on it for longer than a few seconds.

You knew what you were getting into. Sunghoon was so entangled and twisted up in your life that you couldn't see any comfortable way out of this relationship. You would no longer be able to listen to a Bruno Mars song without thinking about how he'd blast the music in his car and sing along with you; you would no longer be able to wake up in the morning and shake off the ceaseless anticipation of a good morning text from him; you would no longer be able to even reach for his hand under the table to give it a comforting squeeze.

After this, you wouldn't have to worry about checking menus to make sure your boyfriend liked the food at the restaurant you wanted to go to, or wait for him to show up to every date you planned, or sulk around after he shot down any couple activities you proposed.

You'd be free.

You wondered if this was going to be the last time you'd spend in Sunghoon's apartment. As your finger ran over the embroidery on one of his throw pillows, you noticed that your boyfriend was tapping his foot nervously.

He was the first to speak. "You're breaking up with me, aren't you?"

His words were like a jab to your gut, making tears pool at the corners of your eyes before you turned to blink them away. You dated him for three years just for everything to end like this. Yet, you weren't sure he could say anything to salvage your relationship; you were tired of trying to reach out to someone who wouldn't even hold out his arm.

"Yeah," you answered quietly. "I don't think I can do this anymore, Hoon. It's been so hard."

His foot started tapping faster. You felt the knot in your chest tighten.

"Okay," he mumbled. "Then... that's that, I guess."

"Seriously? That's all you can say?"

"I can't stop you from doing what you want."

"No, but you could ask," you replied, incredulity thick in your voice. "You seriously don't even wanna know why I'm trying to end things?"

"I know why you're breaking up with me," he said, raising his voice over yours. "I haven't been putting aside time for y—"

"It's not just that!"

Sunghoon immediately fell silent, and, for a few moments, the only sounds in his living room were your shallow breaths. As much as you wanted to stand up and start yelling at him, you couldn't bring yourself to be too harsh when you noticed his repetitive tapping and fidgeting.

"The night you came over after Yuna went crazy on live," you started. "I want you to be transparent with me. Was all of that just so you could tell me to stop hanging out with her?"

His lips pressed into a thin line before he answered, "Not completely."

"But you still came over because of that?"

"Yeah."

Of course, that was the answer you expected.

Still, you didn't know the full weight of the truth would shatter you into pieces all over again.

Sort of lost and disconnected, you nodded. "Okay."

Sunghoon let his head hang. You weren't sure how many minutes had passed, but he just stared straight down at the floor while his knee bounced over and over again.

Your boyfriend, whom you had trusted and given all your love to, had just admitted to using your body for his own personal gain.

And all you could say was okay.

"Sungjin found out about Yuna's video," he tried. "I left early that morning because he wanted me to defend you and Heeseung to the Order, or he'd tell Dad. I thought I was doing the right thing."

You could only stare back at him wordlessly.

"I'm sorry," Sunghoon mumbled, and it sounded distorted in your ears, like he had been a broken record droning on and you had just now realized it, but he didn't dare make eye contact with you. "I'm so sorry, Y/N."

He finally raised his head to look at you. The maddened, agonized look in his eyes made your heart twist painfully in your chest.

"Please say something," he begged.

"I just don't really know what to say."

His voice was more fragile, more broken when he said, "I don't wanna—I can't lose you."

"I think you already have."

Although there was little venom behind your words, it appeared to sting Sunghoon all the same.

"I'll tell you everything," he continued with sickening sincerity that made your ears hurt and your head spin.

Why now? Why couldn't he say all of this before? You weren't sure if it was meant to sway you in his favor, but it only made you feel more and more dreadful. You had been begging to listen to him this whole time, but he shut you out until he was about to lose you.

But this was what you came here to do—to talk to him. It wouldn't have been fair if you got your two cents out and left him in the dust. Either way, you wanted everything to come to light, anyway, so you were going to have to let him speak eventually.

"Okay," you agreed, "but I want everything you didn't tell me."

He swallowed thickly and began, "You know how my dad and brother are... all the back-and-forth over who gets Park Pharmaceuticals. Well, now that Sunjin's cleaned up his act, apparently Dad promised it to him, even though I've been preparing to inherit the company my whole life. Everything he's made me do has been for Park Pharmaceuticals, and he just took it all away from me like it's nothing.

"I mean, I've volunteered and done countless internships to prove that I have what it takes; I golf every weekend with company executives or people from the Order; I'm signed under Prada and Chopard; I attend those stupid socials every other day on top of keeping up with coursework for two majors; I know Park Pharmaceuticals like it's on the back of my hand because I've studied the organization inside-and-out and spent months shadowing at the company; I've been slogging day and night to become the man my brother failed to be—the man my father wants me to be—and I still lost to Sungjin. Nothing I do is enough, Y/N—nothing.

"My family keeps expecting me to become someone important, but they're also the ones holding me back. You're the only one who makes me feel like there's a meaning to all of this."

You sucked in a sharp breath, letting his words sink in deep until your bones felt cold and hollow. "You can't say I'm all you have after you pushed me away countless times, Sunghoon," you started. "I really wish you told me all this when I'd beg you to let me help."

"I know," he said in a soft voice, head dipped low again. "I'm sorry. I thought I was protecting you from my dad."

"Your dad? Why would I need protection from your dad?"

Sunghoon hesitated before he spoke, "He... didn't interfere with our relationship because he was banking on us getting married."

"So?" Noticing the guilty look drawn across his features, you prepared yourself for an incoming blow. "What is it?"

"Nothing."

A mumble. Eyes that refused to meet yours. It was clear as day that he was hiding something.

"What is it?" you repeated sharply.

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"If it concerns me, then I'd like to hear it."

His chest swelled from the deep breath he took. "He wanted us to get married... so that Park Pharmaceuticals could acquire your father's hospital chain."

You let it echo in your head once more, and the words swam.

If you thought this conversation was nauseating before, now it was so gut-churning that you could hardly tell if the Earth was spinning at its regular speed. You felt like you had been tugged from right behind your navel and dunked into icy water.

Someone like you, with your family's background, should have expected an outcome like this.

But you never thought Park Sunghoon would be the one to drive the knife into your back.

There was a loud ringing in your head, and you weren't exactly certain if the world was supposed to be swaying around you, but you screwed your eyes shut and asked, "Why Mercy Health? Why would a pharmaceutical company want to acquire a hospital?"

"It's 'cause medical manufacturers pay hospitals a lot of money," he explained, although he was mumbling again and it was getting on your nerves. "I guess Dad's plan is that a joint operation would make more money for both of us."

"A merger between two pharmaceutical corporations would make more sense."

"Dad's always wanted to be a revolutionary. Sales have been flatlining for pharmaceutical giants these days, so that's why he planned for something bigger. Theoretically, it's a smart plan, it's just..."

You scoffed. "You're defending him."

"I'm not—"

"You're sitting there and justifying your dad's actions as if this whole plan doesn't depend on you manipulating me!" You stood up and wedged your Dior clutch under your arm. "You didn't even think to tell me any of this before we started dating, and"—your eyes started watering and your voice was thick with emotion—"you were gonna marry me just for my family's hospital?"

"I never agreed with what my dad was doing, Y/N," he said firmly. "I never wanted you to get involved with him, so I kept it hidden from you, but my feelings for you had nothing to do with the acquisition. I'd never take Mercy Health from you."

"You should've told me before you asked me out!"

"I... thought I was doing the right thing," he replied wearily. "I didn't think it would come to this. I'm sorry."

Anger was rising in your chest. At this point, you didn't even care what you were spitting out at him because you were so infuriated.

"This is exactly your problem," you said, cold as ice, "you think you have a handle on everything, but if you were anyone but Park Sunghoon, everyone would be sick of you by now. You constantly put your company over everyone who actually cares about you. I get that you've worked your whole life for this, but there are people out there who've worked harder than you ever have, and they'll never get the opportunities that you get handed to you."

Judging by the way Sunghoon stiffened and his jaw clenched, you were sure your words had gotten to him—struck him right in his heart.

"I never once said I wasn't privileged," he muttered darkly, standing up to tower over you, "and I wouldn't mention privilege either, if I were you. We're birds of the same feather in that sense."

"I can talk about privilege all I want. You're sitting here complaining about being entitled to inherit an entire company while there are people who can only dream of that opportunity. Heeseung—"

"Don't lash out at me just because you're not motivated enough to inherit Mercy Health," he fired back. "I'm privileged, yes, but I did everything that's been expected of me since I was born. This is what I've been brought up my whole life for. Just because you're terrified of what's expected of you doesn't mean I don't deserve what I've worked for."

Motivated enough. You felt your whole body on edge at his words. How could he bring up your insecurities and anxieties over your future just to argue his point? You remembered the countless nights of you laying in Sunghoon's arms and telling him you were worried that owning Mercy Health wasn't what you wanted for your life. Worried that you could've been doing something you actually loved if you weren't pushed into a career path because of your status.

"This is the real world, Y/N," Sunghoon continued. "Maybe it's not fair that we were set for the rest of our lives as soon as we were born, but this is who we are, and you need to accept that. Face it: I'm probably the only person you're gonna fall in love with that won't have an inferiority complex around you. You're not innocent either, so don't look down on me for my father's actions as if you don't form transactional friendships yourself."

"What? I don't—"

"I remember your notebook very well," he cut you off.

Your blood ran cold.

He continued, "You can talk about our power and privilege, but don't you dare use Heeseung against me when you were the one writing about how 'expendable' he was."

You stiffened. "That—that was a really long time ago. I didn't even believe what I was writing."

"Yeah? Is it 'cause he's rich now? Now he has some worth that makes him good enough for your little circle?"

"You know that I don't think that way anymore!"

"Is that so?" But it didn't sound like a question; Sunghoon wore an impassive look on his face as his eyes bored into yours. "So you're telling me you don't constantly update that little notebook about whose family did what and who you need to get closer to?"

Years ago, back when you were a child, your father handed you a notebook with several pages of information on the children of his business partners and other wealthy families. You were instructed to either get close to certain people or stay away from others. He would draw diagrams for you, essentially ranking who was of importance and who wasn't. Naturally, as you kept having to use and update it, you created your own notes and decided for yourself who you would keep in your circle.

It was maybe a few years ago when the sight of that notebook made you feel sick. You had been categorizing everyone in your life unknowingly without realizing how messed up it was.

Sunghoon naturally was ranked high, but you were already close with him, so your father wasn't too strict about who else you got close to. That was why Heeseung was able to wriggle his way into your friend group, and although you truly valued him, you never said anything when your father had you put him down as expendable in your notebook.

And, although you deeply regretted it, the mindset of collecting information on the people around you had already been engrained into your mentality. Keeping tabs on everyone around you came far too naturally to you.

You supposed that was why you had so many barriers up in your friendships. You always held your friend group at arm's length because of the reputations you all had to uphold. Sunghoon and Heeseung were the only ones you could be yourself around, but that was before your love lives got so complicated.

But the matter at hand was breaking up with Sunghoon. After everything, you were just too exhausted and drained for more fighting.

"Heeseung may have forgiven you for that notebook," Sunghoon pressed on, "but I won't forget how anxious you made me feel back then." All I could think about was if you "

"I know it was fucked up and I'm sorry," you said, "but I seriously don't think of Heeseung—or anyone—like that. He's always been one of my best friends."

Sunghoon's anger seemed to subside, settling back under the sand. He sat back down on the couch with thinly-veiled sadness weighing him down, and he placed his elbows on his knees.

"I'm gonna leave now," you said, "unless you have anything else you wanna say."

"Don't leave yet." He was looking at the floor again. "I'll call you an Uber."

"It's a five minute walk."

"It's late; I don't care."

You sighed and went along with his request, watching as he booked the ride on his app in silence. After momentary confusion dawned on his face, Sunghoon stood up again and walked back over to pull you into a tight embrace.

After everything that he said, you were so certain that you didn't even want to look him in the eye. After feeling his arms around you, though, for what could be the last time as a couple, you ended up wrapping your arms around him and burying your face into his chest. A couple tears fell from your eyes and lingered on the fabric of his sweater.

"I'm sorry I wasn't a better boyfriend," he murmured into your hair. "I don't think our parents are gonna take this well."

You sniffled. "They won't. I don't think I'm gonna tell them yet."

"Do you think we can still be friends?"

You chewed on the idea for a moment. It was the rising hope in Sunghoon's voice that made you feel almost sorry for him.

"Not right now," you ended up saying. "We'll have to once we're in the Order, but I need some time for myself now."

"Okay."

More tears slipped down your cheeks. It was strange but you already missed him, even though you were still holding onto him. Maybe it was because once your ride was here, you knew that would be the last time you would be holding onto Park Sunghoon like this.

Neither of you said anything and just held each other tightly, hands nearly trembling in fear of letting go for the last time. When Sunghoon's phone buzzed, the both of you reluctantly separated and peered at his screen.

The Uber (which he paid a ridiculous amount for) was parked outside.

"So this is it," he said.

"This is it."

Without even thinking, you two gravitated toward each other with ease. Sunghoon held your face as if it were glass while you drew him in for a kiss with your arms wrapped around his neck. You pulled away before either of you could get carried away and gave him a sad smile.

"I'll see you later, Hoon," you said.

With longing etched deep in his eyes, Sunghoon murmured, "See you."

You felt numb during your short ride home, hardly keeping conversation with the driver. Everything that happened only sank in hours later, so you drew a hot bath and cried until you couldn't cry anymore.

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SUMMARY ▸ private investigator jay park just wants to complete his mission quietly and move on with his life. you, his new assignment who keeps consuming his thoughts, don't make that very easy for him.

TAG LIST ▸ @zdgx1 @smouches @heesdazed @teawithbucky @leep0ems @peachpie4you @niniissus @kgneptun @jaeyunluvr @hooniesuniverse @zerasari @enhalov @sophiko22 @iselltulips @hoondiors @baekhyunstruly @jays-property @woninluv @heerinnie @fakeuwus @yizhoutv @en-happiness @theothernads @y4wnjunz @dammit-jjk @en-happiness @mari-oclock @enhypens-baby @soonyoungblr @jakeslvt @taetaenic @jebetwo @fairysungx @hsgwrld @shmooooo @ineedsomezzz @mrowwww @enha-stars @isawritesss @seongclb @lockburn-castle @alyssajavenss @enczen @calumsfringe @w3bqrl @luvyev @uhsakusa @luvnicho @wildflowermooon

[cowgurrrl]

Some way some how Joel and reader in lftl are able to take each other back to their homes from before. For closure and memories. They both are just two people who miss their babies. And now they get pictures and cards from their homes. Another little piece of Sarah and Jane to go back to jackson.

Hello do you have access to my wips I was literally working on this!! I wrote this more about reader going back to their last apartment because @hier--soir has an amazing fic about Joel going back to Texas and it's absolutely gorgeous <3 anyways, I hope you enjoy!! this made me CRYYYY

Never Grew Up With You

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Author's note: Jesus Christ I haven't cried at a fic like this in a LONG time I'm genuinely exhausted

Summary: "To never see her face again is what grief is." — Euripides, translated by Anne Carson, Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides aka this ask [1.5k]

Warnings: talks of Jane, memories, oh it's so sad

It's eerie being back in that town. It's empty, but the remnants of Outbreak Day linger in the streets— decomposed bodies, crashed cars, craters where the bombs hit. You recognize bits and pieces. The downtown area which used light up with Christmas lights and smell like funnel cake during the winter months. The church where you lied on the application form so Jane could get into daycare. Your apartment building. You stop in front of it, Joel at your side, and look up at it. 

It looks smaller than you remember it like maybe you romanticized the shithole after so many years of living in a worse shithole. Only a few windows still have glass, and you catch faded curtains flapping in the abandoned apartments. "Mommy, look!" Jane had yelled that day so you could catch the jets flying over the building. You were standing in the same area you are now. Your heart clenches, and Joel seems to feel it at the same time.

"Are you sure bout this?" He asks, and you nod. "I'll be right here with you the whole time. We can leave whenever you want." You don't answer him. You just take a deep breath and start walking toward the stairs—bullet holes and rusty, dried blood line the path up to your third-floor apartment, but other than that everything is the same. There's even still a flyer on the bulletin board advertising an apartment-wide potluck set the week after Outbreak Day. Jane wanted to go. She said her friends were going and she wanted you to meet them. You said you'd think about it.

When you reach the top of the stairs, you find your apartment door still open and immediately regret not closing it. What if there's nothing left? What if it's been raided? What if it's all destroyed? You push yourself forward until you're over the threshold and back into the life you left behind. The body of the runner who burst into your apartment that night is still there, grey and all but dust at this point. Dirty plates sit in the sink. Jane's kindergarten homework has slid off the table and onto the floor, her scribbly handwriting boring holes into you. You pick it up despite it having boot marks and ripped edges and stare down at how she wrote her name. Joel doesn't say anything, but he squeezes your shoulder and lets you know he's there.

Together, you silently move through the rooms and salvage whatever you find. In your room, you find ratty old clothes from 2003, medical textbooks, and a file full of important documents shoved under your bed. Among the papers are your tax forms, a copy of your college diploma, and Jane's birth certificate— the only physical proof that she was ever here. Jane Eloise born April 7th, 1998, to you and no one else. Somehow, the glaring absence of Matt's name on her birth certificate still makes your stomach turn. You find a few more keepsakes before moving to the living room.

Whatever might've been there has been taken or destroyed by whoever's been in the building in the last twenty years. The blankets and pillows that once lived on your couch are gone. Your TV has been smashed in. The shoes Jane always left in the middle of the floor have disappeared, probably taken by some other parent who was desperate and was too scared to think of the child who left them. You're about to walk down the hallway to the bathroom and Jane's room when something crunches under your foot. You look down, and all the air gets punched out of your chest. As gently as possible, you bend down to pick up the shattered picture frame and stare at it. 

It was a picture taken by a friend at the county fair. Jane is on your right with a half-eaten blue cotton candy in her hand and a water bottle tucked under her arm. Her hair is in a braid, and there's a big blue stain on her Princess Ariel shirt, but she looks happy. You're both smiling big, the reflection of the colorful carnival lights shining in your identical eyes. Everyone always said she looked like Matt, but you can clearly see your features reflected back to you in this picture. God, how could you have forgotten about the way her eyes crinkled when she was happy? Or how she leaned into you in public? Or how young you both were?

"What's that?" Joel asks as he walks over to you, and you meet him halfway to show him the picture, unwilling to hand it over just yet. It takes him a minute to realize what he's looking at, but when he does, he looks up to catch you staring at the picture. "'S that Jane?"

"Mhm,"

"She's beautiful," he says, and you smile. "Is that cotton candy?"

"Yeah, it was her favorite. Practically begged me to buy it for her. I'm pretty sure I overdrafted my bank account just to get it."

"How old are you in this photo?" He asks, and you furrow your brows as you think. 

"Uh, Jane looks about three or four, so I was, at least, nineteen."

"You look happy."

"And tired," you say. Both things are true, but you can't ignore the bags under your eyes or your horribly fitting clothes. You were struggling. You were alone. You were so incredibly ill-equipped and felt the weight of the world on your shoulders. And Jane... Jane is none the wiser. She's smiling. She's fed. She's loved. She's happy. Maybe you were doing a better job than you thought you were. "You know she wanted to go on the Ferris wheel?" You ask, and Joel raises his eyebrows.

"That little?" He asks, and you laugh, nodding.

"I said the same thing, but she was so determined. So, my friend got us tickets to go on it, and we went, just the two of us. But when we started going around, she started getting really scared about the height and how fast it was going. She buried her head in my arm almost the whole time, and I was stressed that she was miserable and we had wasted my friend's money, and I was so fucking tired," you say. "But when we stopped at the top, I told her to look at the sky, and she did. I pointed at the different stars and talked to her about the moon, and she calmed down. I don't know if I distracted her or if she realized how big the sky was in comparison, but when we got down, all she could talk about was how close she got to the moon. After that, we'd go out every night and look at the stars. Even snuck out of our QZ shelter after the Outbreak."

"D'you get caught?" 

"Once. I knew a FEDRA guy, and he let it go. We never got caught again." You haven't thought about Owen in years. You don't know if he's dead or alive. You don't even know if he remembers you. You're not sure if you want to know. 

You grab a few more things from her room: a teddy bear, a few shirts, and a picture of you and her on the day she was born. Being in her space again makes your head swim, and you want to stay here forever and leave as soon as possible, all at the same time. Eventually, after combing through every nook and cranny you still know, you do leave. You say a proper goodbye to the first home you shared with Jane and the memories you made there. You're silently grateful to the apartment for holding so many treasures you would've otherwise never gotten back. 

You don't know why, but you trace your steps back through one of your old routes. Joel is silent beside you and lets you lead, knowing you would never do anything to endanger him. You recount stories as you pass certain buildings or paths; he listens and asks questions about her and your shared life. Before you know it, you're on the same hill overlooking the QZ. The one where you hid with her when the Outbreak first happened. The one you sat down on and sobbed after Adam died because you had to pull yourself together before reentering. The one you buried her on. 

The tree holding her has gotten bigger, its limbs stretching to the sky and the leaves a brilliant green. Seeing it thrive makes you smile just a little before you pivot and start walking to where you know she is. The sight of a fresh bouquet on her spot stops you in your tracks and makes your breath catch. All these years, you worried she would go unremembered under that big oak tree. You worried she was alone and scared. You worried and worried and worried because that's what any good parent does. The yellow flowers protecting her prove your worries wrong. You take a deep breath and grab Joel's hand before walking over to her. 

"Hey bug," you start, fighting your tears, "This is Joel. He’s Sarah’s dad and he’s my… he’s my best friend." You squeeze Joel’s hand and take a shaky breath. "He takes care of me and I take care of him. So, you don’t have to worry about Mommy being lonely, okay? I’m gonna be just fine. You don’t have to be scared for me. I've got my people here just like you've got your people there. So, you just rest and I'll be okay." Now, you're really crying and there's no stopping it.

"I love you. I hope leaving didn't make you think otherwise, but I came back. I'll always come back because you're my baby. You'll always be my baby."

TAGLIST: @abbyhaslongshorts @kiwiharrykiwi @sumsworldz @myloveistoolittle @anavatazes @marantha

[galvanizedfriend]

YOKAN!!!!! I MISS YOU!!!!! CAN I GET ANY OF YOUR FIC UPDATE BEFORE END OF THIS MONTH!!!! I MISS READING KLAROLINE THROUGH YOUR WORDS!!!!!🥹🥹😭😭😭😭

SORRY for the above spam dear 😔 have really bad days for really long time so missing KLAROLINE and Your fics a bit more these days 🥲

I know you are SUPER BUSY so its okay, whenever you find time to write something or anything, even a small one short from you would do wonders to my days🫰😭💕

Lots of love and motivation to you ❤️🫂🥰

Hope you get the required time to write something 😉🫶

(P.S - Sorry this message is not to disturb you, don't take it the wrong way😭😭 THIS is some motivation from your lovely, stupid fan 🤧)

I owe everyone an explanation 😔

I never meant to take so long to update the story, I genuinely thought I could have another chapter finished in less than a month, but I underestimated how much work I'd have around this time and clearly overestimated my ability to juggle everything.

My work is related to the Olympics, so you can imagine how busy a time this has been. The entire year has been pretty insane in preparation, but the last two months or so especially, and it hasn't even started yet.

I have done some writing, but tbh I have been working so much that I don't think anything I wrote is even salvageable. It probably won't survive a thorough editing, so I might have to start over. And I probably have less than 20% of the chapter completed anyway. And that's just The Wolf, the other WIPS haven't even been opened in months.

In times like this I end up having to choose whether to write or sleep or work or go outside for a couple of hours and see the light of day or go to the gym and in this context writing has sadly been the last thing on my priorities list. :( Not because I don't want to write, but because I simply don't have enough hours on my day.

I'm heading out to Paris this weekend and I won't be back until the Olympics are over, so I'm very sorry but it will be a minute before I have any updates :( I wish I had been able to churn out at least half a chapter, but I struggled a lot with inspiration on the little time I had to write. I remember my original plan was to have six chapters out by now lol What was I smoking?

Sp I'm very, very sorry to you and everyone who has been waiting for updates and sending me messages asking about next chapters. 😔 I really tried, guys, but sometimes things do be this way. Hopefully it will be easier after August.

[woman-respecter]

hi i want to chime in with my own bestie breakup story! i didn't for a while because i didn't think it would contribute anything, but then i remebered it was initially a 3 way breakup BUT i was able to make up with one of them.

so my first two years of college i had 2 really close friends in my major, though i was closer to one of them, Jane, than the other, Kate. we would do pair assignments and stuff together, trading off who had to work with a rando. sophomore spring was the first time all 3 of us worked on a project together (with a 4th, Other). i was having some mental health issues that semester and was working on my end of the project pretty slowly. Jane and Other both asked me if i wanted help, but i assured them i could finish in time, and they didn't press it, so i thought we were cool. cut to a week before the project is due, my part is basically done except some integrations with my groupmates parts. i try to ask them questions but they don't really respond until i find out 2 days before the assignment is due that they'd gone to the professor behind my back and asked to do a back up project because they were worried i wouldn't finish. and they'd switched their focus over completely to the backup, leaving me hanging. the worst part for me wasn't that they thought i couldn't finish (it's just homework who cares), but that they thought so poorly of me as a friend that they genuinely believed i would let *them* fail the project because of me.

i was pretty wrecked, that summer (and whole following year really) i was extremely paranoid of all my frienships. i tried talking to Jane when we got back but both of us were adamant in our positions, which sucked because our lives were still pretty entangled otherwise. Kate i didn't talk to at all in the fall, but we had a class together in the spring and she would say hi when she saw me. and then one day she mentioned she'd been in my hometown over winter break and i got so sad because i realized how much fun we could have had if we were still friends. so i texted her asking if we could talk because i missed her but i was also still mad. as soon as we sat down she apologized for what had happened and said she'd known they were in the wrong the whole time and she'd spent all year wanting to reach out but being afraid of how i'd respond. and just like that we put it behind us. senior year we even risked doing an assignment together again. (it went well!)

i know this is long lol but. i haven't gotten over my friend breakup with Jane, and it's possible i never will. this was 7 years ago, mind you. but patching things up with Kate repaired all my shattered confidence and made me realize that i am redeemable and worthy of having close frienships. we wouldn't have made up if that wasn't the case. and honestly her and Jane's friendship faded pretty naturally once we were no longer a trio but she and i still hang out when we're in the same town which is extra vindicating.

i hope all of your sakes that you find somebody like Kate, who makes you realize your friendship is worth fighting for. it changed my life, truly.

i’m so glad you were able to patch things up with kate! salvaging 50% of a breakup is pretty good all things considered lol

[bpd-shuichi-togo]

haven't posted my Brothers Togo Ruminations here in a while. gotta sit down and have a good Togo Lament

it's literally like.. the THING about shuichi and duo is that [they] literally want a normal familial relationship but they don't have a good framework for what constitutes a healthy familial relationship because they were raised by a CULT. nobody touch me

just like. sitting down and really looking at how despite the fact they do love each other, the facility warped their relationship at its very foundations and continues to have an incredibly poisonous influence..... and yet despite how deeply entangled their relationship is in the worst parts of their lives and the degree to which the facility's influence is apparent and even deeply rooted there, the core of their relationship is a pure and genuine familial love...........

and it's dangerously close to being a situation where the balm is the wound itself, the relationship is just inherently harmful to the both of them and they'd be better off separated like indefinitely, but they haven't crossed the point of no return yet and the familial love can still be salvaged from where it's entangled in trauma left to fester unprocessed. the good thing about having a fever is that i have an excuse if this is just gibberish

GAH and then like. how much of the problem is the degree to which that love is made to be a balm in the first place. like it's way more obvious with shuichi but it's true for the both of them that their relationship is far too much of what's propping them up to be healthy, which is why shuichi would sooner outright lie to himself than accept that duo has betrayed him, and why duo is so completely unable to accept shuichi's genuine ire with him in the yog loop that the narrative itself blots him out. when you spend years and years propping yourself up on 'it doesn't matter that everyone thinks of me as basically worthless and disposable, since my brother believes in me' or 'my brother would never hurt me even if everyone else would' without ever processing the underlying trauma there it just festers more and more, and if it's all you have you genuinely might [not] be able to bring yourself to acknowledge that support maybe is not actually unconditional, even if it means not bracing yourself for collapse when you go to lean on it and it's not there and you land face-down in all that shit you've been trying not to think about. i want a cookie...........

god there's really something so MUCH about duo going behind shuichi's back and suggesting he's thinking about returning to the facility, being so unable to process shuichi being mad at him for this that the narrative itself follows suit and cuts him out of it... and doing the exact same thing, except far away so shuichi can't see him doing it (and then he's aware of it anyways bc he Literally Raised Him). like duo is LITERALLY a child that is how a child behaves

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

ok this might sound very dumb and immature but I'm out to 3 of my friends and when i talk to my bff(one of them) about being gay and make related jokes she takes it in such a good spirit and acts completely normal like heterosexuality is treated and it's sooooooo amazing

But the other two act very different, when i text them similar things they reply in a very dry way and i feel like I'm shoving my sexuality in there faces and i don't feel like saying these things to them anymore; even with crushes when i had boy crushes they acted like normal friends do but now with a girl crush, my bff is just so normal but the other two haven't been the same as before

and like both of them are huge allies and stuff( they aren't homophobic at all)but i just hate myself when they act in such a dry way

am i wrong to except a certain type of reaction from them?? maybe im forcing them to do smthing somehow?? am i being too 'gay' and I'm relatively new to all this and I'm very excited and very paranoid at the same time

but this has me thinking if i should ever come out again to my other friends( i want to do it in person is the only reason i haven't told them) and i feel like they'll act in a similar way and they are way too important for me for receiving that kind of behaviour and my already increased self hate will just increase even more

same anon

I'd rather stay in closet than ruin my relationship with them

You say your friends aren’t homophobic and I am willing to believe they don’t say anything that’s outright homophobic. However, it’s very likely that their behaviour can be explained by the fact that they have been brought up in a homophobic society and they do hold some of those believes, whether they want it or not. Even when they don’t say derogatory things and aren’t aggressively homophobic, they are still capable of behaving in a way that is shaped by homophobia because they were socialised in a world where casual homophobia and heteronormativity is accepted and “normal”.

They react to your girl crush differently (compared to a boy crush) because, at least subconsciously, they have been taught that it’s weird, strange, different. If you were to ask them directly they might never say anything bad. They might genuinely not mean anything bad. And in a way it is more important that they don’t *do* bigoted things (as opposed to not *thinking* bigoted  things - we all have bad thoughts sometimes but they don’t make us bad people). It might sound stupid but they probably literally don’t have a script of what to say when you talk about girls. We are taught so early on how girls are supposed to be curshing on boys and how groups of girls will all have a crush on the same boy in class and talk about it. TV, media, school, our families.... they all teach us what to say when someone has a crush - but those “scripts” are all about girls crushing on boys (and vice versa). The scrips for same-gender crushes are vastly different, generally more dismissive - if they even exist at all.

You are not overreacting though by recognising that they seem to be acting with a double standard. And I think, if you want to salvage these friendships, you could talk to them and say something like “I feel a bit weird bringing up my girl crushes because of how you reacted in the past. I wish you’d be a bit more supportive or excited for me. After all, I’m still in the process of discovering and accepting my sexuality and it would really help to know you have my back.”

If they don’t understand what you are talking about, maybe think of an example. “When I had a crush on [boy] you were very excited for me and reacted by [insert thing they said/did]. But when I told you about [girl] your reaction felt very cold and not like you were happy for me. I believe you didn’t do that consciously but for the future I’d wish you would not react differently depending on the person’s gender and just be excited for me no matter what gender I have a crush on.” Maybe they genuinely didn’t realise that they behaved differently. Of course that doesn’t change the fact that you are very worried about it right now but from where I’m standing this all reads more like your friends being stuck in a heteronormative thinking and not knowing how to react.

Either way: you are not shoving your sexuality in their face and you’re not “too gay” or anything. That’s bollocks! You should be able to be as out and proud as you want to be towards your friends. Talking about crushes is a very normal thing that friends do and it should not be different if the crush is on someone of your own gender. Even conversations about sex are a thing that a lot of friends have; sure it’s not everyone’s cup of tea to talk about that but a lot of people do. And if your friends are okay talking about sex they have with their different-gender partners then they should also be okay if you want to talk about sex you have with someone of the same gender. Just like your straight friends aren’t shoving their heterosexuality into your face when you have normal friendship conversations about sex and relationships, you aren’t shoving your queerness in their faces.

Some people need some time to get over it tbh and to unlearn that deeply ingrained socialised homophobia. And some people never get over it. If they keep being weird about it then they might just not be the kind of people you will be having these personal conversations with in the future. Sucks but unfortunately part of coming out is sometimes that old friendships fall apart. Some of your straight friends will stick and be genuinely supportive, others will fall by the wayside. Not because everyone is aggressively homophobic but because you being openly queer kinds shifts your perspective on things and it can make it difficult to relate to heteronormative mindsets. But that’s a good thing. And there will be other people (both other queers and straights who are chill) whom you can talk to who won’t make you feel weird for talking about being queer.

Maddie