#i just don't feel like a smart person anymore. like my self-esteem is terrible and evidence to the contrary doesn't help much

[astriiformes]

The final assignments I need to finish for my science fair mentorship class are a lot of "Reflect on these readings we did about education and connect them to your own experiences in school" type prompts, and unfortunately reflecting on your educational journey when you are a two-time college drop-out who probably failed a class this semester is not a great time.

[clara-maybe-ontheroad]

Only Friends's MBTI types - my guesses after episode 1

Let's associate one of my newest obsessions with one of my long lasting ones and guess our favorite group of messy queers' MBTI types ! Yes, all of Mew, Top, Ray, Sand, Boston, Nick and Chueam. I've done a lot of that at parties so I think I might be either good or terrible or average at it, I'm hedging my bets and promising nothing.

(btw I'm very aware of the problematic origins of the MBTI test, the ways it is often misused and how unscientific it is, please let me just have dumb fun okay ! Also I won't really explain that much what each letters actually mean bc it's more fun that way)

Anyway, going to rank the characters from the types I found the easiest to figure out to the hardest, this is after the first episode only so hopefully the next ones don't prove me wrong too much :

1. Boston : ESTP "The Entrepreneur"

E for extraverted, S for all the ssssensations, T 'cause he knows to hide what he thinks, P because that's what he's thinking with

Seriously though, ESTPs "tend to be energetic and action-oriented, deftly navigating whatever is in front of them. They love uncovering life’s opportunities, whether socializing with others or in more personal pursuits." They're unpredictable, always looking for the next thrill, charismatic, charming, quick-witted. They're also smarter than they look, can be calculating and rational, and use some of that cold logic to disregard people that don't suit them anymore to look for the next best thing. They're also the sluttiest type according to this Reddit thread I absolutely agree with.

Come on, don't tell me that's not Boston to a T !

Alternative typing : ESFP - but I think there's something less spontaneous and more calculating behind Boston's urges.

2. Sand : ISTJ "Logistician"

I for introverted because he's clearly tired of everyone, S for stubborn, T for those ethics, J for judgmental all day every day

ISTJ "pride themselves on their integrity. People with this personality type mean what they say, and when they commit to doing something, they make sure to follow through." They're hardworking strong willed and dutiful to a fault, honest to the point of lacking tact and hurting people, they're the type to care about people but also about order and about things being done "the right way", so they're kinda hard to befriend (and they don't necessarily want to be your friend anyway) but they make for extremely devoted partners. They value stability above all so they don't appear like the most sexually focused people but they reeeallly care about leaving their partner satisfied.

This type doesn't really do hook ups and I'm looking forward to how Sand is going to handle a FWB type relationship with Ray

Alternative typing : ISTP. I feel like a happy Sand with less money troubles could be an ISTP, able to express his artistic side and creativity, spontaneous, able to adapt, just still reserved. But the Sand we're shown so far is more rigid and less prone to risky behaviors than an ISTP would be.

3. Ray : INFP "Mediator"

Okay so this might be a controversial one, but listen, I know my depressed horny but pining romantics INFPs by heart, I love them to pieces, they're full of contradictions and I really see Ray as one of them.

Generally speaking, INFP are depicted as "quiet, open-minded, and imaginative", but most importantly and more essential to their nature, they live in a world of their own imagination. They're somewhat eccentric, witty, often have quite a few friends but always perceive themselves to be lonely, longing for a deep transcending connection that they don't actually try to get in real life because their self esteem is too low. They're smart but easily distracted and unfocused, passionnate and vulnerable but also self critical and desperate to please, empathetic and selfish, and just so damn depressed.

Alternative typing : ENFP / ISFP. Some people might say that Ray's adventurous and flirtatious side make him an ENFP or an ISFP, and I don't fully disagree : his apparent sluttiness is not very typical of an INFP. But ! it seems like his sluttiness is a coping mechanism to deal with his unreciprocated crush and low self worth, as is his alcoholism, and that sounds very INFP to me.

4. Top : ENTP "Debater"

We're getting into character I'm actually having doubts about, but I still think Top is an ENTP : E for extremely forward and extroverted, N for never backing down from a challenge, T for titillating and quick thinker, P for Popular for his P... sorry

No but really, ENTP are known to be direct, intelligent, charismatic and to "pursue their goals vigorously despite any resistance they might encounter". There, we've said it, do I need to further convince you about Top being an ENTP ? Yes ? Okay weird but sure.

ENTPs love to be surprised, they welcome unexpected situations as exciting challenges, which I find very close to Top's approach to Mew. It also means that Top's and Boston's type are very close (ENTP vs ESTP) which makes a lot of sense to me, with some fundamental differences being that an ENTP (Top) will focus on the big concept and long term vision while an ESTP (Boston) is both observant to small details and easily distracted ; an ENTP communicates more easily in a round about manner (ie Top's way of collecting information about Mew) while an ESTP is more literal and "often gives exact examples of events that have occurred in the past" (ie Boston's approach of Top at the bar and later in the bathroom)

Alternative typing : ENTJ - Maybe the differences between Top and Boston actually go deeper than that. ENTJs are considered the most natural leaders, loving being in charge, charismatic and intelligent. So it could also fit Top, but I'm choosing to believe based on what we've seen so far that Top is more adaptable and spontaneous (ENTP) than organized and consistent (ENTJ). Not 100% sure though.

5. Nick : ISFP "Adventurer"

Okay so we don't actually know Nick that well yet. He doesn't seem the most extroverted and can even be a bit shy when surprised, but is still fairly audacious and has an air of enthusiasm about him, so I think he is ISFP : I for introverted on first glance, S for slitherin in those nudes, F for falling head over heels for Boston, P for putting himself out there

ISFPs tend to be warm and creative people, the good friends who are always up for trying new things but would never pressure you. They're sensitive, passionate, curious, open minded but also easily stressed and often underestimate themselves. In romantic relationships, they tend to give all their focus to their partner's needs and forget themselves a bit ; they need excitement and adventure, but they're also very loyal, caring, they go with the flow of what their partner wants. They need a partner to show love through their actions ... Yeah we'll see how that goes with Boston !

Talking about ISFP-ESTP relationships (Nick-Boston) : ISFP tend to be drawn to ESTP and their energy but also find them to be jerks are hard to settle down with, with many users on different Reddit threads describing a very push-pull dynamic. Ah, how surprising

(Btw, if you want a post about what the MBTI types of all these characters say about their relationships and what I'd predict based on that, let me know haha)

Alternative typing : INFP - Ya know, for those hopeless romantics vibes ! But Nick seems too forward and go with the flow to me to be an INFP (see INFP Ray who's actually a lot more slow build in his relationships with both Mew and Sand, though maybe not that slow, just by the show's standards lol)

6. Chueam : ESFP "Entertainer"

Okay I'm actually struggling with Chueam but I think my verdict for now is ESFP, which gives her at least two letters in common with every one on this list except Sand (edit : and Mew surprisingly), and I think it makes sense because she does appear to understand everyone else in the group while being the life of the party. ESFP in her case would stand for Extroverted Sensation Focused Partier - yes these acronyms are getting worse, sorry.

Really though, ESFPs are described as the type to "break out spontaneously into song and dance" : they live life to the fullest, always excited to embrace new experiences. They're bold and a bit messy sometimes, they're easily bored, but they're also sweet, friendly, observant and have great people's skills. They're popular but conflict averse and don't like to think too much about the future which certainly gives them some blind spots. To me, it sounds like a great summary of how Chueam seems charming, super fun to be around, caring for her friends but also a bit too focused on pleasure to the point of ignoring red flags (*coughs* Top)

Alternative typing : ESFJ - Chueam's optimistic vibes and how people oriented she is in a way that is certainly a bit chaotic but not actually messy gives me the impression that she could also be an ESFJ (if we think she's a bit more organized and good at planning)

7. Mew : INFJ "Advocate"

Surprise, surprise, the guy who is arguably our main character is the hardest one for me to type. I think that it might be because since he's the narrator of his own story, he's unreliable about everyone obviously, but probably even more unreliable when it comes to himself.

What do we truly know about Mew ? He likes his friends but is more introverted, doesn't mind going out but avoids drinking so he can stay in control. He likes books because they allow him to explore the world without actually venturing too much outside of his comfort zone ; he's a bit of a romantic but also pragmatic about his own emotions ; his life has a routine and an organization that he finds grounding.

So that means Mew is definitely an I for introverted bean, F for Focused on his Feelings, and J for Judgment and Just doing things the proper way. I'm also going to assume that he's more focused on the bigger picture and conceptual ideas - meaning he's going to think he's smarter than he is and ignore some details and find that out the hard way - and while he likes pleasing people, he has no issues stating his boundaries - as seen after he invites Top in his apartment. All of this gives us an INFJ.

INFJ are described as deeply thoughtful and with very rich inner lives, they're usually considered pretty rare, and are very aware of how unique they are, often making it part of their "branding", a core element to how they think of themselves. They're all about self perception, self awareness ; they're highly observant and good at analyzing other people, empathetic and caring, they give good advice to the point of appearing almost psychic but are actually quite self centered because they're so focused on achieving perfection and avoiding being ordinary. They are truly very smart and charismatic in an understated way, but they can also look down on others as shallow and have a bit of main character syndrome. See also @heretherebedork's post on Mew's potential as a manipulative virgin demon that I very much agree with.

Now, it might sound harsh, but I think that describes Mew quite well. I might be projecting a bit though (I may or may not be an INFJ myself, oops), but I truly think that my feeling of both liking Mew a lot as a character and fundamentally wanting to punch him in the face might be due to us being the same type lol

Alternative typing : ISFJ / INTJ - The preference of Mew for things to be done a certain way could extend to a resistance to change and an attachment to a sense of higher duty, making him a bit more of an ISFJ. But also, if he's actually less focused on his emotions and a lot more calculating and guided by his pure logic, he might be more of an INTJ.

So yeah, that's it, I spent way too much time thinking about this. Any opinions and comments are VERY WELCOME, please let me know how wrong I am haha and we can improve this together !

Now I'm going to not so patiently wait for episode 2 to be released lol

[mellow-worlds]

older rants

I kind of want to feel the same way it felt that day my aunt and uncle wouldn't leave me alone and forced me to eat. I don't want that part, but before eating anything, I was probably as close to fainting as ever. I want to faint. Do I? Well, I want people to know I'm unwell. I suppose fainting would be very dramatic. But it would make my issue seem real. It honestly feels a little wring to be so whiny when in reality, nothing much has happened. I'm not being that whiny, but I'm pretending to be super anorexic or whatever, when I'm not. I just don't eat all that much and do intermittent fasting overkill but hahsjs ksjsjbshs I'm fine. I do still have some anorexic traits and thought patterns but that doesn't mean I am anorexic. I havent even been doing this for all that long, maybe 3 weeks?? And honestly, feeling weak is awful. But it'd be real? I just hope the pain doesn't come back. Anorexia is super painful. I hope it doesn't sneak behind my eyelids while I try to sleep and I hope it doesn't make me moan in pain.I'm so jealous of the people who are naturally skinny. I'm so jealous of K. I should eat healthily. Ofc I'm not losing weight if I only eat sugar. And I'll try to exercise at least a little. Hhh. I guess it's a start. And I eat so unhealthily, anything would be an improvement.

I think I have so many toxic traits because of my abysmal self esteem. For example my constant need for validation and attention and in the past my need of some sort of control and wanting to be seen as good and being marvelled at which never happened lmao. But then again, sometimes I do think I'm pretty smart? Evidence says otherwise but sometimes I do feel a little smart. And sometimes I think my face shape is pretty. So maybe my self esteem isn't as bad as I'm claiming it is? Maybe it's not to blame for me being a terrible person?Talking with P today was so nice. It was only short but very very nice. L was also there and we laughed a lot and gosh I like this man so much. I think I'll really just "keep trying". It's fine. We can be friends. Rn I'm not as willing anymore to kms because I talked to G at uni again and it was a lot of fun, but honestly...... yeah no. It's the right thing to do.

Anyway, P looks so good. :) I really do get obsessed too easily. Is it obsession though? I just write about him a lot, I don't necessarily think about him incessantly. He does look very good, especially with his glasses. Today in the lecture, our arms touched just a little bit. And he smells sooooo good. Even his tobacco smells nice somehow. But he also has this other scent that's just so nice. Idk I think I could gush about him for the rest of time. Maybe. I think he's awesome.I really, really enjoyed talking to him and L. And I hope to talk more with L in the future in general. And ofc I wish I never stopped talking to P. I wish he liked me. Istg I'm trying. I'm trying to be better and prettier. I wish I was good enough for like literally anything. I'm not really anything and not good enough yo be anything. I wish I was skinny so P could have half a reason to like me.I saw that there's scars on L's arm. They looked artificial, but also well healed and I couldn't really get a good look. I don't really know what to make of this. She doesn't seem like the type of person to hurt herself, she's too sweet. But I suppose I shouldn't try to deny it? And I guess that ultimately, it doesn't affect me. She seems really happy now, I don't think I have to be worried. Makes me wonder what people would think about my scars. Luckily, so far no one really seems to have noticed. Maybe this one girl from my old class. Or A and J. Definitely no one from uni :). Sucks enough that my sisters know. I also wonder how people will react when I kms. I suppose I also don't seem like the type of person to do so. Momentarily, I'm super happy. Yk, when I get to talk to friends. It turn to shit the minute I'm left to myself. And this morning, thinking about P, it really made me sad. He'll never like me. It's fine. Just sad. I shouldn't be sad about things i could expect. Still am. Oh well.

[bi-bard]

I Know I'll Get Better, I'm Just Not Better Yet - Dean Forester Imagine (Gilmore Girls)

Title: I Know I'll Get Better, I'm Just Not Better Yet

Pairing: Dean Forester X Reader

Song: You Signed Up for This

Word Count: 857 words

Warning(s): self-esteem discussion

Summary: (Y/n) is struggling to feel good enough for Dean. Especially because his ex-girlfriend is the golden apple of Stars Hollow.

Author's Note: Here we go!!

Masterlist for the Maisie Peters Writing Challenge!

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I clenched my jaw a little bit as I heard yet another person talk about how amazing Rory Gilmore was.

This town truly had nothing else to focus on.

When I was walking to school, there was an older couple casually chatting about her achievements at school. Sweet and innocent.

At lunch, there were a few kids talking about her like she was the one that got out. I don't even think they knew I was there. No harm done.

Finally, when I stopped at the diner to wait for Dean, there was another table gossiping about how fast Dean moved on and how fast I was to "turn on Rory" to be with him. Like she didn't turn around and jump into Jess's arms as soon as she could.

I don't think that everyone had cruel intentions but that duo at the diner knew what they were doing. I was sitting right next to them. It was my final straw.

I let out a sigh before putting down the menu and storming out.

Dean was walking to the door just as I was walking out.

"(Y/n)," he said happily.

I ignored him, walking down the sidewalk toward my house. I was looking at the ground, trying to hide the tears that I was barely holding back. I was so tired.

"(Y/n)," he repeated, now sounding like a question.

He followed me down the sidewalk. He tried to place his arm around me, but I shrugged him off.

"Do you wanna talk about it," he asked. "Or do you want me to just be here?"

I was so lost in my thoughts that I barely heard him. All I could do was give him a half-hearted shrug.

I made it to the pathway to my door without uttering a word. Dean was just walking with me, following me like a sad puppy.

He followed me inside, waving at my mom as we walked up the stairs to my room. He made sure that my door stayed open.

I threw my bag on the ground and buried myself under my covers. My shoulders shook as the dam finally broke and I couldn't hold back my tears anymore.

"Hey, hey, hey," Dean said as he laid next to me, wrapping his arms around my torso. "It's alright. I'm here."

He was just stabilizing me. Making sure that I knew he was there. He couldn't fix something when he didn't know what was wrong, so he was addressing the problem he knew about.

I don't know how long I spent crying like that. Just shaking and begging the world to swallow me up so I didn't have to worry about anything around me.

I slowly calmed down.

As I stopped shaking, Dean leaned over and kissed the side of my head.

"What's going on," he asked softly.

I moved away just enough that I could roll over and face him. He gave me a gentle grin.

"Do you wanna talk about what happened," he was almost whispering.

"They're just obsessed with her," I said. "All of them. Because Rory is so great and smart and pretty and I'm a terrible person for wanting to be happy while she was more than okay with jumping into a relationship with a complete ass."

Dean's eyebrows furrowed.

"I go through every day hearing about Rory Gilmore, the fucking golden star of this entire goddamn town and I just... I can't win."

"(Y/n)-"

"I'm trying to be better," I continued rambling. "I try to study more and put more money into my looks and stuff and-"

"Hey, hey," Dean cut me off, cupping the sides of my face.

"I'm trying," I repeated.

"I don't need you to be 'better'," he said. "I just need you. You and your rambling and your very unhealthy love of horror movies and your need to listen to music that you listened to when you were little. I don't need more than who you are."

I didn't respond.

Dean leaned over and pressed his lips to mine softly. My eyes fluttered shut as I slowly kissed him back.

The kiss was over as fast as it started. He pressed another kiss to my forehead and then my cheek and then my nose.

"I love you," he whispered.

I felt my heart skip a beat because holy shit. That was a big step for the two of us. It took me a moment to collect my thoughts because they were scattered by his confession.

"I love you too," I let a smile grow on my lips as I said it. It was nice to say it. To know that it was out there.

He smiled back before standing up. My smile dropped for a moment before I realized what he was doing. he kicked off his shoes and pulled off his jacket before laying under the covers with me.

"I have homework," I muttered, suddenly very tired.

"It can wait," he replied. His arms wrapped around me so he could pull me toward his chest. "I love you... a lot."

I closed my eyes and grinned, "I love you too."

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folklore/evermore Writing Challenge (and Masterlist)

[dysfunctional-college-roommates]

I don’t know if anyone’s awake right now, but if you feel like sending me a character and a word, I’ll write a paragraph, just so I'm not sitting here wishing I was productive.