#i haven't had therapy in 2 months as well and I don't have a primary care doctor meanwhile I need one because I'm on medications for my

[giftedpoison]

sometimes I forget I grew up poor

and then some guy who was able to go through out of state college and work a job tells me, for him, traveling outside the country to somewhere like Ireland is not a pipe dream.

like jesus christ (he said he was in dublin for vacation, I said love that for you living that pipedream life, and he told me it would only be a pipedream if i was also there. Which I think he meant as a flirtation but came off kind of dickish.)

[clockworksteel]

End of the year evaluation/new goals

Well, it's the end of the year again. Honestly, it's been a rough one. There was work stress associated with being trained on a software framework that was new to me (React) in a language I've done little in (Javascript), there was a Return to Office policy at work, and my housemate's health issues resulted in a number of emergency trips, some of which required either pickup or dropoff at 1 AM. Much vacation time was burned either recovering or actually making trips to doctors and the ER. Plus there were all the things that I already mentioned happened in January like needing to maintain my water heater and get a warranty repair done on a recliner.

Still, despite the quality of the year, some progress was made on some things. Looking at last year's post on goals there were 5 things I mentioned, although one was just "Skincare?". To briefly summarize, the others were:

Continue considering gender

Learn to cook

Add physical therapy exercises to my exercise

Improve my Youtube audio

In terms of gender stuff, this the year I first tried on a dress (no image in that post, and also I now own two), and also the year I started getting permanent hair removal done (although electrolysis is a slow process and in 4 months of sessions we're still just on the lower part of the neck). I've also had a number of dreams in which I'm transfem which is interesting. They seem to come in bursts. I had 3 in the first two weeks of this month, actually. I haven't made as much progress as I'd like, but this certainly wasn't neglected, despite never feeling like I reclaimed the spirit of possibility like I had near the end of 2022.

As far as cooking, we actually did Hello Fresh for the full duration of a discout code, with me being the primary thing-doer once a week. I certainly relied a lot on my housemate's expertise even though the days were theoretically "mine", but I feel like even just practicing some knife skills was valuable for cooking confidence. Plus I cooked chicken without poisoning anyone. There are currently plans for me to continue cooking on Saturdays (as in actually cooking at least one thing: I also handle the Friday and Sunday meals but it's all frozen stuff). Since my housemate is on a lower sodium diet (probably good for me too), actually cooking things sort of has to be a habit for at least some of the days.

Regarding exercise, this is probably the one area I got worse. I am at least making sure to do some of my old physical therapy exercises just enough that it feels like my shoulder isn't getting worse, but the entire rest of my exercise routine dropped off. It's been an exhausting year, and the way the electrolysis appointments routinely wipe out a few hours every Saturday isn't helping with finding time for things.

On the subject of my Youtube videos' audio I didn't do much, but it wasn't that much of a problem. I think my volume levels between the game sound and the microphone sound have been generally better balanced this year than in the past. That's pretty much all I wanted.

For skincare… well, I do more than last year, but don't have much of a routine. An area that could be improved but honestly I just don't think I care that much and this will not be a goal for next year.

Besides the goals I wrote out last year, some other accomplishments of varying sizes: -Actually got my heating system inspected like I should have been doing routinely -Fixed the slow-draining issue in the shower drain -Got back into Challenge Enthusiasts and earned a little over 200 challenge points, putting me not only in the C ranking but well on my way to B -Beat New Game Plus 100 in Rogue Legacy 2 as well as earned a gold trophy in its True Rogue mode

For next year, let's call these the goals:

Have some sort of exercise habit again, ideally with at least one cardio day and at least one physical therapy stuff day

Take care of at least one longstanding thing in the house: the porch needs painted, the attic could use some blinds to keep the sun out in the summer (probably more effective than insulating, and I already bought the blinds), and the back door could use a new auto-closer (again, already bought)

Clear the stacks of papers from my desk without simply increasing the amount of papers in my room (that is, things should be filed in the cabinet or disposed of)

Make some more progress on gender stuff, like try a couple more new things or at least spend some time seriously considering things

Earn at least 100 more Challenge Enthusiasts points

Finish Factorio and at least one other game that I haven't played in over 4 months

A longer numbered list than last year but two of them are "play video games" goals. It's more like both this list and last year's had a length of 4.

At any rate, hopefully we all have better luck next year.

[michaeljacksonlighterpost]

Elaboration on all the bad stuff; an explanation as to why I need help.

I've never done this before and my adhd brain is really making it a struggle to hit on all my points in an organized way... so I'm just making a bulleted list. I hope that's fine.

(Note: I already explained why I'm homeless in the original post but if you want me to elaborate on that mess of an event please dm me)

Anyways, here's a list of expenses and the series of unfortunate events that have befell me.

I haven't been able to see a spine doctor since I had spinal surgery:

💚 I had spinal surgery for scoliosis when I was 16 & haven't been able to attend any of my follow-up appointments since due to 1) the passing of my mother (primary caregiver, a woman who did literally everything for me), 2) a lack of transportation, and 3) a lack of any sort of medicare or medicaid. I'm working to get it renewed so I can go but it may take time being the confused teen I honestly am. Anyways, around a month ago chronic pain has been revisiting me and I don't know why. It's really scaring me and making me paranoid given my prior severe scoliosis. Having money to see a doctor (if any charges do actually pop up, they may not though?) will help give me a little peace of mind in regards to my spinal health.

I desperately need to see a dentist and orthodontist (the whole works):

💚 They found a tumor-like cyst in my jaw during one of my last few dental appointments and advised me to get it looked at asap. This was 2 or almost 3 years ago 😬 but again, I have no insurance, no transportation, and no parent to help me figure this kind of stuff out. It's called an odontogenic keratocyst (OKC) if you're interested in looking into it.

Anyways, this particular issue makes me super anxious on a daily basis. Anytime I think about it I go into an existential crisis, ngl (I might have some sort of medical anxiety?? Like hypochondriasis, idk).

They informed me it was benign but when considering other factors, like my various dermatitis issues (which I'll try to explain eventually) as well as scoliosis, it suggests I may have a medical condition that makes me more prone to tumors in general (benign or malignant/cancerous) as well as various skin cancers. If this were the case, I believe it would be labeled "nevoid basal cell carcinoma [or Gorlin] syndrome" Again, in case any of you want to look into it.

I'm mentally ill and can't afford therapy:

💚 As the prior bullets sort of suggest, I feel fairly confident I have an anxiety disorder, adhd, and maybe even some form of bipolar disorder. I don't feel comfortable elaborating too much on the subject when it's all my own speculation, but with that being said, I also don't dismiss my beliefs or feel they're very farfetched. When you're poor and can't afford counseling or therapy, you usually self-diagnose by default.

But yeah, I've taken psychology coarses and I also have a tendency to over-research/ruminate on various topics... And I'm pretty darn sure I have a handful of mental health issues I should get checked out for.

Luckily for me, I've worked hard to understand myself and nip most of my unhealthy tendencies in the bud, but I'd still love (and /need/) to go to therapy.

I have a lot of issues I need to work through beyond the basics I mentioned; I was physically and verbally abused throughout my life by family and had to grown up in very scary, toxic households. Everyday I wake up grateful I wasn't polluted/corrupted by my family and chose to diverge my path from theirs yet, I also still have panic attacks at night reliving the trauma and still occasionally sob myself to sleep.

I don't wish to dive any further into the subject in this post but I can try to explain it all further in my dms maybe? I'd prefer not to, but I am capable if you're someone who ends up contributing to this post (by reblogging, boosting, donating, or whatever).

Moving on, I'd like to reiterate I'm doing better and don't wish to worry anyone extremely with my words👆👌👍 (she says making a desperate mutual aid post lmao)

I was (somewhat) forced into sex work:

💚 I've had to sell "content" (the sexual kind) for food & other necessities before. It's not something I'm ashamed of nor something that I entirely dislike but it has put me in many uncomfortable situations - situations where I've been taken advantage of &/or scammed; situations where I've been really tired or depressed but I knew I had to act in front of a camera in order to survive; situations where I've likely served as a loophole for, and enabled, pedophiles. I, for the most part, was legal age while doing so but I think many of you out there still see how problematic the scenario remains. It is what it is, and I'll likely continue to do whatever it takes to stay afloat but any money you can offer would really help insure my mental and physical safety. I really don't want to feel forced to continue living like this anymore.

I need a pair of glasses asap:

💚 Next bad thing going on in my life right now: my glasses broke recently and I can't afford to get them repaired or get new ones. Luckily my bf & I have a close prescription so he was able to lend me one of his pairs, but still. As most know, it's not good to use someone else's glasses and I really need to get my own pair.

Old, broken phone I use for everything:

💚 Lastly, except it's not truly the last reason (I just need more time to expand on all the other bullshit): the phone I own now I've had since middle school. It is 6 or so years old (not counting it's prior usage before being refurbished). It is extremely cracked & has a broken charger port but I choose to keep it since it's still functioning alright. I'd prefer a new one though, and I would like to be able to afford data for it (I only use wifi at the moment). I don't want anything to special- honestly I'd be fine buying a new version of the same model or some other relatively cheap LG phone.

^^ Here's pics of my phone & how I have to charge it. The charger is an external universal battery charger. It takes hours to charge & only goes up to 80% max.

I NEED MONEY SO I DONT BECOME HOMELESS OR GET FORCED BACK INTO AN ABUSIVE HOUSEHOLD

My name is Franny and I just turned 18 not too long ago.

Two years ago my mom abruptly and untimely passed away, forcing my ill-prepared 20 y/o brother to become my caregiver and making me an orphan.

Long story short, neither of us knew what we were doing and child protective services never intervened so I ended up becoming ward of the state. I have no insurance and I don't recieve social security benefits from either of my dead parents. I've tried to reach out to the ss office over the phone but few people have been able to assist me due to my age and the complicated nature of my situation. I was advised to talk to someone in person about my situation but all offices near me have been closed due to the pandemic. Now I feel more scared for my future because 1) I don't know if I'll be able to obtain back pay 2) I have no savings and 3) my brother gave up caring for me, leaving me with no other family to turn to and essentially making me homeless if it weren't for my boyfriend's family.

However it is becoming more and more clear over time that my boyfriend's parents can't afford to take care of me nor do they want to. As my situation evolves and progresses, I am becoming more & more fearful I'll be on the street due to the strain all of this has put on my relationship.

I'm only 18. I do not want to feel forced to stay romantically involved with a boy for stability. Please help me.

I can for sure accept money via venmo or zelle and I may try to make a cashapp or paypal if necessary (or anything else). Please please please dm me if you can help asap. I'm sorry if any of this sounds selfish or makes me appear lazy, I know many other people are also struggling right now. This was simply my last resort.

I'm going to reblog with additional details regarding what I need money for and why it is so urgent. Just had to finally put this out there as a start.

[maydei]

I know from your blog that you have depression. How do you make yourself do things when you don't want to? Uni is starting in 20 days. I failed an exam and have to take a retake. I have to prepare for my project. I hate my degree. I haven't done any work at all. Everyone says that anything less than a 2:1 is worthless. I may not even pass. What is the point then? And I am so tired. I used to love reading but I haven't opened a book for over a week.

Hi Anon! First things first, let me just say something: no matter what anyone tells you, college is NOT the only path in life. I left college four years ago, even though I was three years in. Even though my grades were good. I was feeling very similar to they way you feel now, and I finally decided that college wasn’t for me. I then dealt with years of my family asking when I would go back before they finally started to get the idea that I didn’t want to. 

This got kinda long so I’m gonna put some under a cut.

Also: your friends will never know you miss them if you don’t reach out. It may sound harsh, but it was a hard realization for me that things don’t work the way Hollywood makes you think they do. No one is going to sense something’s wrong out of nowhere and send a message. Communication goes both ways. One of my primary symptoms of depression is isolating myself. I stop talking to people. I get insular and quiet. I barely leave my house. I have to force myself to get around that, and once I do, I start to feel better. Reach out to your friends, and talk about happy things. I know it’s hard, and it’s good to lean on people, but if you only talk about being sad, it’s hard for them to stay in the conversation. Fake it til you make it. It works. Weirdly enough, it works. If you fake being happy, soon enough it starts being true. 

And you do have hobbies! You’re here on Tumblr, aren’t you? That means you have things you’re interested in. Things you like. You can make hobbies out of those! Even if you don’t leave your room, you can have people to talk to. People who love the same things as you. Believe me when I say I am an extreme introvert. My only friends where I live are my coworkers who I see every day. But I manage to keep myself busy, get myself out of my house by being friends with them.

Making mistakes is not failure. It’s necessary. I left school and moved across the country. I stayed there less than six months before I came crawling home because of mental illness, and eventual neurological disorders. That was not a mistake, though I hated myself at the time. Looking back, it was maybe one of the smartest things I did. I still have lifelong friends from that experience, and I broadened my horizons by leaving my comfort zone. 

I’ve ruined relationships in the past with people I really cared about. In some cases I walked away from those who were hurting me when maybe I should have tried harder to stay. In retrospect, all of that has made me who I am.

My first job was at a grocery store. After a while, I quit. My next job was at a retail goods store. I stayed there maybe six months and lived check to check. Then I got work through a temp service. I worked in manufacturing, and when I started having my seizures that meant I couldn’t work heavy machinery anymore, I switched to data entry for a bank. Why? Because I could type. That was a skill I had. I managed to make money from it. And from there I lucked my way into a sales job when I had no sales experience because they were willing to train me, and I got along fairly well with people in the office during my interview. That was it. I was in the same age group as most of the people working there, and they thought I could get along well enough with the employees, and that was enough for them to take a chance on me. I’ve done pretty well at this job. I proved myself to be a good salesperson. And now that’s where I am.

Listen to me, Anon. No one has their life together at 20. No one has their life together at 22. If they make you think they do, they’re very good at faking it. I’m almost 24 and I STILL don’t have my life together, despite having a reliable job and an apartment and a car. I still don’t feel like an adult. But I did all that I did without a four year degree. If you hate being in college, you can make it work too. It takes time and it certainly won’t be easy. I worked my ass off for four years to get where I am, but I managed to do it. 

Do what makes you happy Anon. It sounds fake as hell but life really is too short. And if all else fails, please talk to your doctor about medication or seek advice from a therapist. I have done both. I’ve even gone into inpatient therapy in the past when I was in a really bad place. That was not a mistake. That saved my life, and it’s what those things are there for.

And thank you so much. I, too, love my cats. Even when they drive me crazy. XD