#i haven't gone this deeply introspective in a little while

[serenescribe]

Ficlet request this https://www.tumblr.com/serenescribe/729720441588072448/day-5-of-ficlet-requests-do-you-like-time-travel

With general lilia reaction to seeing malleus in present when in his time he’s still a egg trying to hatch him

[✐] ficlet frenzy link to previous ficlet

The very existence of the boy before him is a miracle in and of itself.

None of them understand the reason why Lilia acts the way he does, eyes constantly trailing after the fae prince and lurking behind him at a distance. None of those foolish students do, busy as they are with their trivial little tasks of learning magic, their four years spent at this paltry school flying by in the blink of a fae’s eye. Not even the prince’s companions — Baul’s supposed grandson, Lilia’s supposed… future son, and his own flighty, witless older self, senile and losing his mind — understand his strange compulsion, the attraction he feels towards the Draconia heir.

Simply put, Lilia has never expected for Malleus to even exist.

He’d been entrusted with the egg in a last ditch effort, forced to watch his closest companion, Meleanor herself, fly off into a fruitless battle that would surely spell her doom. Lilia had spent years after that — the years melding into decades, until a century had passed — curled around the egg, trying everything he could to ensure it hatched. But such a thing was impossible, he had believed; after all, the offspring of draconic fae could only ever hatch with an outpouring of love, wreathed in warm affection until its shell finally cracked.

That is, until Lilia had somehow wound up in the future, wound up here.

Even now, the sight of Malleus still steals his breath away. He resembles so much of his mother — the twisting horns, those striking chartreuse eyes, the raven gloss of his hair. Though he is calmer, quieter, with a more pensive disposition than his mother ever had, there are things that resemble an echo of his parentage: the rage that manifests itself in thunder and lightning; the undeniable power radiating off of them in waves, a strength of magic most could only dream of having; but most of all, the kindness they wield, whether sweet or cruel, hidden by a temperament that makes them unapproachable to most.

Can anyone really fault him then, for feeling most at ease around the young prince?

Lilia studies him whenever he’s able to, when the young prince goes for walks through the campus, or even when he approaches Lilia himself in his little woodland campsite. Though Malleus resembles Meleanor in so many ways, there are other aspects of him that are wholly unfamiliar to Lilia. Above all else, there is his unwavering trust in humanity, a belief in the better facets of them that Meleanor never shared. It is a peculiarity that Lilia’s older self also wields — and he had been stunned when Malleus had informed him that it was he, himself, who taught him to seek peace with mankind.

Even now, it still feels like an impossibility to wrap his head around.

And yet…

The more time he spends with Malleus, conversing in a tranquil silence, listening as he regales Lilia with numerous tales — of his long, lonely childhood, of the years that Baul’s grandson and his supposed future son spent growing up, of the three short years spent at Night Raven College — the more Lilia thinks he can understand his older self.

It’s something for him to think about, at least, when he finally makes it back to his time.

[harasharaved]

Jason Todd Fics - September 2023

Fics I recommend with a focus on or POV of Jason Todd. Masterpost can be found here.

Key: Has a ship or romantic plot, unfinished, multi-chapter, one-shot

NOTE: some of these do require an AO3 Account to read.

Whisper Closely in My Ear by Kangarou

The words went in one ear, rattled around like bees, before ramming out the other. The doctor was sitting painfully close, only two feet away. The tone of voice implied he was talking louder, not quite a yell but something nearly there; it sounded like a whisper to Jason. So quiet, with every third word unintelligible, except for that first phrase: "Mr Wayne, I'm afraid you're profoundly deaf." --- Jason is profoundly deaf. He learns to cope with it.

An AU in which Jason is deaf. This is one of my favorite Jason fics. I often find myself coming back to it. Its a great character study, introspective and has that delicious kind of hurt you just want to sit with for a while, with a helping dollop of comfort.

Children Will Listen by Parker Avenue

Jason Todd is good at extortion. He's what the adults call a snoop - nobody paid attention to the little kid with the big ears. Without even realizing, adults would hand him the keys to getting what he needed. Jason knew how to collect information, because adults found information valuable. And it was. It was free, easy to get, and easy to carry, so long as he kept his head clear and his facts straight. Jason had information Batman could use. He knew it. He had thought it over all day, sitting on that moldy couch, eating stale saltines. Batman would definitely be interested in the information Jason had. Batman had become scary again, like the old stories Jason used to hear the goons in the area tell. Breaking bones, just barely keeping people alive. Batman didn’t kill, no, but sometimes? Sometimes living was worse, maybe. Jason stayed crouched behind that dumpster, silent, because he simply couldn’t decide if Batman was far gone enough to make a kid wish he was dead. (Jason Todd knows how to get what he wants, and Batman tries to lure him to safety.)

Okay I will admit, my biggest weakness is fics about street kid Jason. Slow adoption got me good. Anyways, this one isn't finished but I love the way the pacing takes its time. Co-parents Bruce and Selina is never a con either!

Stargazer by LemonadeGarden

Jason Todd is seriously injured during patrol one night, and is forced to stay at the manor to recuperate until his injuries are healed. To pass the time, he makes a list of things he never got to do before he died. Except there's one small problem: most of them involve Bruce, and Jason doesn't really think Bruce cares all that much about him anymore. This is a story about how wrong he is, but I made it sad anyway.

I'm sure everyone and their mother has rec'd this fic, but I'm doing it anyways because I love it deeply. If you haven't read it, this is your sign!

Glow in the Dark Stars by essspressso (stylesmakethefight)

“I’m being serious, asshat,” Jason hisses, swatting his hands away from his face. “You have to tell me what year it is.” Nightwing crosses his arms a little petulantly. “It’s 2017. Happy?” Jason freezes, breath catching in his throat. 2017. Five years ago. He was…he was fifteen. “Shit,” he murmurs. He’s going to eviscerate Tim. Or: Red Hood Jason and 15-year-old Jason swap timelines, landing one week before 15-year-old Jason is supposed to die.

Time travel trope + Jason Todd's tragic ass life = amazing fics. Feelings, prepare to be felt! LOTS of Angst. You might even shed a tear. Wonderful fic!

Too Much Fucking Salt by Pez_The_Platypus

A rural housewife instinctively understood the law of quantity into quality. Add a pinch of salt to a soup and it tasted better; add one pinch too many and you ruined the batch. Jason had been in limbo for a year and a half, trusting things would get better even though everything just seemed to be getting worse. It was something small that set him off, but really, it was an accumulation of a lot of things that led to this. He was going to kill the Joker.

A one shot, but a LONG one. This one is very sad, heavy, and bittersweet. Its not Bruce or Dick "bashing", it provides a pretty well rounded and human description of them, which is to say they are not angels. Still, if you love pondering the tragedy of Jason Todd and themes of coping with trauma and the inherent grating sensation of trying to heal, this is a great fic for you.

YOU MUST KNOW LIFE TO KNOW DECAY by orpheusaki

Bruce starts, eyes glaring down at the city and unwilling to look anywhere else, especially in Jason's direction, "You always… hated the rain." Jason's breath gets caught in his throat. (For as long as Jason can remember, it's always been raining.)

Jason angst and character study rooted in comic-accuracy. Great short read!

This Kind of Weather by r_astra

Jason’s at school when his mom dies, and that’s the only reason any of it happens. If he’d been home, if he’d been with her, he would’ve been in the wind before anyone else even knew. Even if they looked, no one ever would’ve found him. He’d have taken to the sewers if that’s what it took, man-eating crocodile guy and all.

Yes, another Jason Todd adoption fic, one in which he does not steal the tires. I have a type and I'm limiting myself to only 2 of the many I love. This one does not have much of a focus at all on the Bat-side of things, just a story of Jason finding a home, much older than in the comics.

A Straight Blade by Sparkypants

"What happened to your face?" Bruce asks, reaching his hand for Jason's jaw. "You're bleeding." Jason bristles, cheeks turning pink. "I cut myself shaving." He says, and wipes at the cut with the cuff of his hoody. Damian makes a clicking noise with his tongue, "I'm amazed you haven't taken your own head off." He snarks. Jason shoves his chair away from the table, temper flaring. "Well it's not like anyone ever taught me, is it." He hisses. He's five years late, but Bruce finally teaches Jason how to shave.

Quick one-shot with feelings. Great little read I often find myself revisiting.

Growing Like a Breeze by WhaleofaTime

April 27th isn't anyone's favorite date, but it's somehow worse than usual today when Bruce gets his car stolen. It's nice of Red Hood to come to his rescue. Nicer even that Jason keeps him company afterwards.

One of those fics that explains everything about why Jason and Bruce's dynamic and relationship is so magnetic to read about. They both suck at feelings and yet make me feel SO MUCH.

[mellifloraa]

guys i really love skip and loafer (spoilers under the cut for up to volume 4)

i just finished reading the volume about the school festival and i have some thoughts about anger and trauma that i wanna go into further detail on

so shima has been an actor his entire life. he was a child actor on a television show, and he claims that his motivation for doing so was to make his mom happy. in more recent years, he's tried to distance himself from that profession, taking great care to either stay away from or completely shut down kanechika's advances to get involved in the drama club, but eventually he can't escape it and takes a role in the school festival's play (which was only a little bit under duress but w/e). he has a breakthrough during the final day's performance that.. he has no real sense of identity. he's been acting his entire life, and because of that, he's never felt comfortable asserting anything as him. he doesn't even know what his favorite food is. he's jealous of the people in his life that can be open about who they are, about what they love. he's been operating under the guise of "shima-kun," this figure that's practically worshipped by those at school with him, and so he's fully embraced that identity while running away from any actual defining characteristics that would make him feel comfortable in his own skin. he's much more comfortable keeping people at arm's length as a result, because he reasons that if he prevents people from getting closer to him, he doesn't have to worry about either of them having the realization that he doesn't know anything about himself, that he has no sense of identity and simply occupies a role, breezing through life without a care in the world.

when mitsumi enters his life, everything changes. suddenly here's this beautiful, wonderful, supportive, accepting presence that helps him feel comfortable in himself and who he wants to be. he admits to her that the connection with mitsumi is the first genuine connection he's ever made with his peers, and while that moment is played as romantic, the truth of the matter is... this is the first time he's begun to let down his walls. to think about himself. what he wants. what he likes, who he surrounds himself with. he's building this sense of identity from scratch with the help of positive people in his life that build him up and support him and sing duets from the sound of music with him. and he's working on feeling better, on moving past the trauma of his childhood, on healing and figuring out the kind of man he wants to be after feeling disconnected his entire life.

and then ririka comes to the play.

ririka is someone who's ruled by anger; she's angry and resentful and vindictive because, in her eyes, shima is responsible for some great tragic thing that essentially ruined her life (please no spoilers i haven't read that far yet and i want to figure it out organically). as we've figured out, shima is not responsible for what happened, but it was shima's presence and shima's decision to go somewhere and do something that allowed ririka to be traumatized. therefore, in her eyes, the anger and depression and cruelty that she feels is directed solely at shima, because he "allowed" this to happen to her. if it hadn't been for shima, she wouldn't have gone, and she wouldn't have been hurt.

that's a normal way of thinking for someone who's traumatized, and i say that because i've experienced thought patterns that are incredibly similar. i don't feel comfortable sharing details, but when i experienced the biggest trauma i've ever faced, at the hands of people i trusted and loved, it took years of intense introspection and self-acceptance to get to the point where i felt comfortable letting my anger at them go. but ririka hasn't gotten to that point yet; she's so deeply focused on ensuring that shima's life doesn't get to be happy. shima doesn't get to go to school. shima doesn't get to have friends. shima doesn't get to experience joy and pleasure and connection because he's responsible for her hurt. that's an understandable train of thought, but at its core it is false, and it's unsustainable.

shima is so focused on letting down his walls, on letting people in for the first time in his life, and finding out who and what makes him feel good and safe and comfortable. ririka is the exact opposite, in that she's so focused with isolating herself and directing her blame at shima, that she's constantly putting up walls. she's lashing out both because she's hurt, and also because she's making active efforts to involve herself in shima's life. she doesn't feel comfortable turning that lens inward at herself though, because that would mean holding herself accountable, and it would mean that she can no longer blame shima for what happened to her. and so, she reasons, shima doesn't get to have those positive experiences. ririka stays safe and shima suffers. to her, it's a win-win.

the same event traumatized two innocent children, and they're dealing with it in the exact opposite ways. they're absolutely perfect foils for each other, while also being characters that feel so fleshed out and unique and complex and understandable and real.

it's such a fascinating and accurate look into how trauma breeds anger and resentment, but also how that anger is an unsustainable emotion, and can and should be worked through for one's own betterment, so that you can not only be kind to those around you, but to yourself as well. what a fucking poignant volume this was.

[edelweissacermacrophyllum]

The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.

Job 35-37, Proverbs 4:1-9, Matthw 24:1-31

Elihu continues speaking here and I can't help but notice, despite the fact that narratively I think it is more satisfying if he's just a useless, arrogant blowhard, he does make some new points. It's poetry and it is beautiful, and I agree with Mr. Keating that the goal of poetry is not to be mined for meaning but to be experienced. However I lack the skill to to a brilliant and worthwhile commentary on the poetry so I will stick to trying to mining it for meaning. Elihu says to Job, in short, "God is big and doesn't need you."

Both of these things are true, but they are reductive and misleading. I came up with a concept of God a while ago and I still find it compelling. If God is a being of infinite attention, comprehension, and focus; then they are capable of holding in their mind every little thing in the universe. Knowledge, in my experience, leads to passion, especially in scientists but also in sports fans, chefs, etc. Maybe passion leads to knowledge too, but regardless, I consider God to be a universe enthusiast. I think that any other character assumption of God doesn't take into account their infinite knowledge. God cannot be cruel or a sadist because an infinite being would not take any pleasure in torturing a finite being. It would be like a human being amused by torturing a stone. God cannot be power hungry because they are already omnipotent. I haven't put much thought into the horny God hypothesis, but given God's lack of glands (except for that one time in which He was celibate) I don't consider that a viable God concept either.

So what Elihu got wrong was that he thought that God was big and therefore had every right to ignore Job and that Job was being incredibly presumptuous just for asking if God had forgotten him. But God's nature, I think, is not to forget anything, but to be deeply invest in every part of Their creation.

The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom (Proverbs 4:7a) This might be profound but I was amused to read it. I will interpret it to mean something I already believe: That wisdom comes from outside oneself. Introspection is not usually helpful and won't often teach you something you don't already know.

Jesus talks about the end times in this passage and I don't like it. One of the main assumptions of the people listening to this passage would have been that they would be around for the events that Jesus was talking about. At the end of the chapter, Jesus says outright, "This generation will not pass away until all these things have happened." And it's been 2000 years. A whole lot of theologist energy has gone into explaining away this discrepancy but I haven't found an answer I am comfortable with. It's not a huge issue, but it is problematic. I would like to think that some person later added those words of Jesus because apocalyptic prophecy would sell well like it does now. But of course that casts doubt on a lot of the other words of Jesus and until now we have been assuming that they've been recorded reasonably well. There's not enough evidence to make a claim of later modification of this texts, so I am comfortable leaving it unknown for now.

The thing is that when we have an infinite God, a lot of things will be outside our comprehension, especially the end times. We can't comprehend the end of the world because we have no concept of there not being a world. But do not worship sacred mysteries. That is only to worship one's own ignorance. Worship God for the parts of Them that you do understand, not the parts that you don't. God is a universe enthusiast and we assume that They want it to work well and for the seas to be clean and the ecosystems healthy and the humans kind. If that is the kind of God that exists then I am comfortable worshiping Them. And as for the elements of their bigness that I don't understand, well, I'll trust Them to handle it.

[verzehremichnachdir]

hui, there are some word gotta be said.. I don't know which ones, but they'll come. I guess there will be my very happies forever someday. someday there is someone that will love me on all levels and whom I will love too, how's deserving my hard work in realtionships and my desire of deeply serving. I'm dying inside over and over, while I see before whats coming. I'm starving for some nights not alone and some loving skin to skin touches so much, that I always give my heart away under worth. hurting myself and hurting someone else. Hurting humans, which are obviously not ready for feeling the trauma that love reveals, not ready for beeing able to go through all the fear it reveals. It's getting harder and harder by every love you experience. Even though it also gets easier and easier. easier to just close my heart again and feel like loving the other person now, just for myself. loving all this guys now, just for their good. for my peace. loving them without even wanting to have sexual interaction. just guarding this beautifulness that has passed my way. I know it's propably exactely that. it is, that I'm not capable of holding the good feeling. seriously! sounds crazy, but my nervous system crashes almost immediately, when I feel deep love. tears are rolling and my heart is aching. because my system js used of loosing if.t. loosing it again - fast and hard and all at once. and it's exactly whats happening. My heart hurts now that I write this, because I know I'm in pain, I know my heart is kind of broken, but I don't really feel it. I know, I knew whats going to happen. I knew trauma will rise af in the shstems, in his and mine and I knew we nees fucking much work if we wanted it. He did gorgeous. He said he never thought about changing his way of beeing before we met and I think he did an amazing first attempt for a few weeks ♥️ but now or one/two weeks ago, our journey seems to be over. in my case - again. some small little touches of how it would feel and then gone again. Maybe I'm gonna give up. No I'm very surely giving up now! Butt different then before! the last 5 years I tol myself "if you want a calm home with loyalty and kids, you gotte work for that. if you want a men for life, you're keeping fucking hands of - just giving your love away, kiss around or have sex without matter!" But I guess we got other times now. I really really really need to get hold! I really need to be touched. I'm needy.. thats not sexy. thats not even nice. but it's fact. My fucking mindset works like that. I want a serious partner, so I'm just entering serious partnerships. But all the experiences I've had the past 5 years -except for E.- had just been a nothing and propably all the guys just wanted nothing... even Mr E has maybe said some thing before really thinking about them. I've not been good enough to my men. I've gotten an introspective the last years, that made me forget to think of my words and actions in a way of - what would make him feel good. I've been so needy, that I just didn't hold any focus on it.. I've not done enough of serving him well and I have in trauma modus thrown out too much of - how I feel, what I think about if & what I need. and I always got in trauma mode, because I haven't told him what feels good for me and what doesn't early enough. always thought I am happy with less then I need. always thought I don't have a right to feel. I just have the right to love him and when I'm the luckiest girl in the world he will keep me. but he didn't. not one of them.. so, what i actually wanted to say is, screw my worldview for a moment and go to tinder or whatever.. learn how to care for the person, but don't care for what they do with me, because I don't care about having their attention and love. oke not really like that, but similar meant.. I need to feel some affection. I want to get rid of this desire so badly, because deeply inside I think it kinda drives me insane, if it fought itself out if the cage one more time.. I really often don't care, when I'm on my daily shit. -Part I