#i haven't finished like anything substantial for months and now all this!

[novantinuum]

made a self-indulgent mock "title card" whilst in the middle of my chapter 1-13 overhaul of this fic

[drtanner]

God I should be drawing but I'm pissed off about how long drawing takes for me and you're all going to hear about it now.

I'll admit it! I'm sickeningly envious of the artists whose work I see on social media every day when they call something a "quick doodle" or say that they "try not to take more than an hour" on pieces like it or whatever and it's like. Full colour, shaded, usually at least somewhat rendered, meanwhile I've been working on my poxy lineart for several hours and it's still not finished. If I were colouring and shading this fucking thing it would take me two weeks.

All of the advice for getting faster at art is along the lines of "OH JUST FOCUS ON DRAWING QUICKLY AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT QUALITY! THE QUALITY WILL COME ON ITS OWN WHEN YOU GET BETTER AT DRAWING FAST! :))))))))" and it makes me want to chew glass because that's already my fucking drawing technique. I know it's going to take me an age to draw anything so it's a hustle from the start; no warmups, just get straight into it, there's no time for shit like that or we're going to miss our deadline. This sketch isn't as good as it could be but it's good enough. It felt like I was focusing well but it's already nearly midnight and we're only half done. Oh, that doesn't look right - but there's no time to fix it now, I need to get the colours down. Doing it that way looked good when I did it over there, why does it look like shit when I do it again over here? I can't remember how I did it the first time, surely I'm doing it the same way, but if I was, it wouldn't look so terrible. This would look a lot better if I knew how to blend but I don't have time to learn, there's too much to do and I can't afford the time it'd take to experiment when I can't guarantee it'll get the result that I want. This piece looks like dogshit to me but it's the best I can do; here's hoping no one notices how bad it looks! Aaaaaand post! 👏

It's exhausting! Having the Patreon means I draw at least a couple of times a month when I might otherwise just gravitate towards doing nothing for years at a time, but god. It takes up so much of my time and I'm seldom happy with what I make, and for all of the effort I put into it, it feels like I haven't improved in a decade. There's shit I drew years ago that looks better than the stuff I put out now and it's fucking infuriating. How did I do that? I can't remember. I've added all kinds of new techniques to speed up my art but it still seems to take just as long as ever and actively looks worse for it (but it's a cinch that if I went back to doing things like I used to, it would take substantially longer now). What's wrong with me? Why can't I get better?

I work so fucking hard, and for what?

[onyourowndaisymae]

blog update

hi! it's been awhile since i've posted anything substantial. some of you might have noticed that progress for the "when they fall in love" series has halted, that only little drabbles or shitposts have been posted as of late, etc etc-- i want to say my peace and get it all out there.

to make a long story short, blog posts will be slowing way down to accommodate for my declining health, but i am still looking to post drabbles and such until i am healthier. kink/flufftober prompts will be pushed back to a do-over kink/flufftober when i have the energy to do so. my "personal" blog is @oopsiedaisymae and that's where i'll be moving most of my reblogs, likes, mutual following, etc etc so follow there if you want to see my nonsense. this blog will not be shutting down. y'all are stuck with me.

to make a long story long... (cw for chronic illness, nausea, unintentional disordered eating, american nonsense)

last year, during finals season in college, i got sick as fuck with a stomach infection. since then, i have quite literally never been the same. i went from being a normal student to being plagued with abdominal pain, constant nausea (and i'm emetophobic so that sucked SO much ass) and being unable to leave the house some days. i've had ups and downs with my health since-- some days i can eat semi-normal, other days i'd be completely unable to stomach anything solid. as of now, we're on the worse end of that spectrum.

also around this time, i lost my health insurance. so the entirety of this calendar year i haven't had insurance, and although my primary care clinic is cheap, my issues are beyond what a primary care clinic can provide. because i'm in america, an uninsured trip to the ER would quite literally bankrupt me. so i've been waiting on insurance to get said proper medical care. i'm hoping that'll come sooner rather than later-- my birthday is next month and i'd like to not be in the hospital when it comes around!

with all of this, i have (understandably) not been eating well and have lost a significant amount of weight. eating hurts, and trying to eat a healthy amount makes me incredibly nauseated and in pain. the question every day is: do i want to not be in pain but be unable to think, or do i suffer physically to have some mental capacity for the day? it's a lose-lose situation.

this has really upset me bc writing has always been a place to escape to as my life falls apart, but now even stringing together words is hard. i want to write. before this most recent batch of hell i was stringing together a masterlist for kinktober, but i can't even finish the pieces i was already working on bc i can't think. shit sucks.

anyways. all this to say: once i get proper medical care, it's over for you hoes. i will start posting full-length fics again once i am able. in the mean time, expect little drabbles here and there. i will be hosting my do-over kinktober and flufftober events when i am able, even if that shit means i'm posting in may or something. i will be dicking around on @oopsiedaisymae, my personal blog, in the mean time. oh, and i'm into twisted wonderland now, too. so expect content for that when i come back in full swing.

i think that's everything. if i have anything else to say, i'm sure i'll mention it. in the mean time, feel free to explore my blog or my mutuals' blogs to get your writing content fill. thanks for sticking around :) mwah.

[eurydicees]

current thoughts on nanowrimo while i only vaguely do work from home (<- dont tell my employers but i don't think i should have to work when i could be writing).

***i will not be using the website due to the pedophilia and lack of moderation issues. i don't want to involve myself in anything even remotely related to that. however imo the challenge of nanowrimo is bigger than the website, and so i'll still be attempting it.

current potential project ideas!

go back to the iwaoisuga atla au. i've got a lot of snippets but nothing substantial, so i would feel fine starting over and just working on that through the month. bonus is that i get to finish my rewatch.

do a prompt/request/event speedrun again. i have a lot of projects i committed to that i need to complete but haven't been looking at recently and i could just work on all those miscellaneous pieces. i actually have around 25 requests that've been waiting for attention so tbh writing a ~2k word one shot per day, give or take, could be great pacing for this challenge. unfortunately i'm probably incapable of keeping a oneshot to 2k. but this could also be an exercise in pacing myself. maybe.

write something original for the first time in so so so long. idk what it would be but i've been wanting to work on original writing again for a while now and this could be the opportunity.....i just don't have any plot ideas. which makes this idea hard. for obvious reasons.

re: original writing. i could do original short stories. this could be fun. it would involve coming up with a new idea roughly every day or every few days. which would be hard. but i've done it before and while i'm out of practice with original writing, surely i can do it again? idk it could be a fun exercise. i do love writing fucked up life altering short stories.

return to my roots and finish the poetry collection. i want to finally complete this. i've been chipping away at it for a while but i want to commit to it. but also i don't think i could get to 50k words with just poetry.....so maybe not this month. maybe save for april 2025 with a lower word count goal? idk. much to think abt with this one. or honestly maybe i can make it 50k. like if i try REALLY hard. very hard maybe on this one.

attempt the iwaoi soulmate + MCD au. i've been tossing this idea around for a while but it's looking like a huge undertaking so i haven't really worked on it. maybe this is my chance? but also it's probably the project idea i'm least passionate about so maybe not this one. i need to choose something i'm crazy abt lol.

finally finish the transforming of the skts mental illness study fic to original writing. this was a project i started AGES ago and then never completed. i actually just remembered it exists while scrolling through old drafts lol. it was a neat project to work on for a while but i got a little burnt out on it, which could bode badly for nanowrimo, which is such a passion-and-stamina-necessary challenge lol. but also maybe the commitment and accountability that's also so necessary for nano would inspire me? kind of a toss up.

thoughts on my november goals!

goal is 50k words in 30 days. go big or go home hit it till it breaks etc etc. i am going to work so fucking hard. i am pouring everything into this. i'm not manifesting, i'm DOING.

i'm 26,266 words away from 1mill words written for nanowrimo (all time, incl april/july camps). this could be such a fun milestone. i will get there. i WILL get there.

i'm also 54,800 words exactly away from 1mill published on ao3, which is also a super exciting milestone.....so maybe i do really want to just write a long ass fic for this.

i'm currently at 12 nanowrimo wins to 11 losses all time, and 6 wins to 5 losses in the november 50k challenge specifically. i am on cusp of something great.

i am also at a streak of 4 november wins in a row. i am DETERMINED to keep it up. like there are literally no consequences for not doing this. i know that. i promise i know that. but still. i am DETERMINED.

[turoce]

Seana's 2023 art highlights

(surprisingly, not a reupload this time!)

January: i drew nothing! we're off to a great start.

February: i drew something! i love Champ even if i haven't drawn anything tf2 related since April. i think it was this piece where i decided to give Champ RED coloring. [link]

also, this is the month i made my second Moldy plush.... i wasn't very happy with this one, though. [link]

March: uhhhh. more of my tf2 ocs but i think those aren't that interesting. just go to my tf2 oc blog @brokenbrainstormbulb if you wanna see them honestly, i have an image limit to keep ffs. that said, this was around the time i got into TC2, so i drew a lot of that kind of stuff... i'm never drawing stuff for it ever again, sorry. [link]

April: look at the cool thing i drew for a fellow tf2 robot fan! now, this is the point in time where i start drawing more because of a certain interest, so look forward to all the art that'll come up here.....

May: wow, this really was my first public piece of Papa Louie art, huh. i was so proud of it when i showed it off on tumblr the first time... i don't like it as much anymore. for one, the office wall color is wrong.... i still can't believe Papa Louie was what got me out of art block, but god, i'm glad it did. i don't think i've drawn this much before, and even though the community's tiny, i'm glad to give back as much as i can. anyways, i said something like "it's so funny that people think they're either super married or divorced as hell" on the same post. i still think that, and it's defos funny as hell, but i've grown a kind of appreciation towards the ship as well. like yeah, you go girls, we love that extra slow burn with so many road bumps on the way! [link]

June: how the hell did i pump this out. this was also like a few days before i had to leave for the airport too... i don't know myself sometimes. i swear i still love Boigashipping! i just... i'm just busy with other ships okkkk [link]

July: i didn't draw anything...? i was in Bali. and i was busy selling adopt designs to draw anything substantial, oopsie! actually, i DID draw the first part of WDB... it's uh, still the only part. i'm sorry!!!! i'm sorry!!!! i swear i have the whole thing outlined!!! can you just give me anons about the story instead so you won't have to wonder what comes next!! [link]

August: TOSI fixation. it had not gone past it's conceptual stage, i must note. i do wish i would do something about it though. [link]

September: the art trade i did with my friend! actually, i was a few weeks late with my part, so it was supposed to be finished by August. oops. i like the textures tbh. my Chuseok drawings.... i need to draw more characters in hanbok, hee hee. [link]

October: (breaths in) ...this is the month i finally gave into the JoGotcha wantings. LOOK. ever since someone put the idea into my brain i couldn't get enough of it, and like,, nobody draws the ship anymore so i had to take matters into my own hands. this is the first ship i'm this obsessed with. i usually leave ship stuff to other people but this time that wasn't enough and i... i had to do SOMETHING, y'know? [link]

Cringetober? who's that? haha;; i stopped feeling like doing the whole list after less than a week. impressive.

November: oh look, Plushy Power League. Quinn didn't win, but i do like the thing i drew as propaganda, so whateves. the first Papa Louie character i ever drew (minus Chuck and Taylor)... did i change how i draw her? uhh. maybe? i'm not too sure. [link]

also look! the keychain drawing... i need to talk about my Gods and Monsters au again at some point. actually, since i last uploaded the image of my keychain, i revised it tons... it's kinda different now, and i defos think it looks better. this is actually the time i finally fixed the stupid display setting thing that was really messing up my coloring! [link 1] [link 2]

December: ...oops! tablet broke. and i got my 3ds back so i just didn't draw that much even after exams were over. didn't stop me from drawing though, and in fact i think i made something pretty neat with my christmas art.... even if it did come one day late. [link]

wow. that's a whole year of stuff... and that's defos a lot! i think i'm really happy with what i drew this year.... i don't know what was in my water the last few years but my art highlights felt really.... miserable? for some reason. i mean, yeah, i didn't do a lot of what i had planned (GOE ANIMATIC IM SORRY) but i can see that i've done just as much with my hands anyways, so like, who cares? plus, i always have next year... that's coming in 3 hours, oh god- so, maybe i won't be too hard on myself for not fulfilling my goals... like, i kinda glossed over it, but i did sell my designs for money, and that's like, really impressive! so many people around me buy and sell their art stuff already, so i guess i didn't really register it as something to be proud of... but doing that shit (making, and marketing) is hard!! so like, it's a wow moment for me!

anyways, i'm tired, i only came back home a few hours ago, and i need to get up again for church in a few hours.... mrphgdjd. lets stop being sentimental, and i'll see you people next year. that's a long way off! hope you don't miss me.

[squidkidnerd]

Operation Atlantis Notes - "Coffeemaking and Crime" (chapter 7)

Alright, this will probably be even shorter this time because I'm tired and just glad I finally finished this chapter lol. This actually only took around a month to draft (which as you know, for me is pretty fast lol), but one of my betas was busy so it took them a while to actually get to the chapter and then when they did I was lazy so... yeah. Also happy holidays!

This chapter is a bit shorter than average, but I think that's okay. Like chapter 6, it's also a transitional chapter, but more... plot-based? Chapter 6 focuses a lot on Three and Eight's internal experiences and thoughts, while this one focuses a lot more on external conflicts. Also, it introduces Pearl and Marina! More on them later.

Opening poem: This one was pretty difficult to come up with, but ultimately I like what I came up with. As you could've guessed, it's Eight's thoughts on the octarian immigrants she meets throughout this chapter, and what they must've gone through. What was it like, upending their entire lives to live in an entirely different place? Eight doesn't really know, so that's what she's wondering about.

Atlantis at night: This scene was fun to write. While most of the time, Atlantis is a fun, lively city, we all know there's more to it than that. Much more. I enjoyed eluding to that here, with the city showing some more of its true, creepy colors. I also added some sanitized octarians, because Three, and well to an extent, us, don't really know what they are. What are they? Something... not good, certainly.

Sleepy Three: Yay, some Eight and Three interaction! I feel kinda... bad, because I feel like they haven't been interacting as much as they should be after chapter 5, but I think it's okay. They're busy people, after all. Anyways this was cute and fun, they're both so gay but they do not realize it.

The Octarian Society: Oh look, it's these guys. Yeah, they've been mentioned as early as chapter 3, but we really haven't got anything substantial on them... until now, of course. As for why Azalea is here, well, I thought it would make sense since she's an octoling and also, like a therapist... look, it was more interesting than having just a random guy there. As for the argument that ensues here, I wanted to give more insight into why everyone's so upset about Three. These people are all refugees, they left everything they knew to find a place they thought would be better... but unfortunately, they still carry fear with them. What better target of that fear than an inkling, their greatest foe? Eight doesn't understand this, though, and I just wanted to emphasize how separate that makes her from them. Yeah, she's an octoling, but is she really if she hasn't had the same experiences as them? It's a detail I haven't seen that many people touch on, and I was happy I got to touch on it here.

Vent sneaking and Caesar cipher: Guys look, it's (some) action! Yeah, obviously Three's going to avoid fighting as much as possible because she doesn't want to be found out and captured lol. We also got some classic vent action, which I feel is slightly less implausible because of inkfishs' swim forms? Yeah. Also, the Caesar cipher. I included it as a little twist of "the password is on the sticky note" trope, and also because my sister kept sending me emails in Caesar cipher and my friend (who is actually one of the betas) made a whole-ass decoding spreadsheet. But... as Three soon figures out, unlocking the computer doesn't really mean anything. Yeah, Kamabo is very secretive and thus, they have passwords for everything. Oh well. If only there was someone who could help Three and Cuttlefish with that...

Pearl and Marina: THEY'RE FINALLY HERE!!!!!! Yeah, I had a blast writing this scene. They're both so much fun to write, in particular Pearl. She has a very distinct and expressive character voice to me, and I feel like I did a good job capturing her energy. Man, it's crime that I've never really written these too... quick guys give me Pearlina fic ideas (joke... half-joke). Also, based on this AU's circumstances, it makes much more sense for them to connect with Three and Cuttlefish than Eight and Cuttlefish, which makes me sad because I like when Eight bonds with them, but alas. They meet her eventually.

Annnd that's it! This is my Christmas/end-of-year gift to you all, you're welcome. Hope you all have a happy holidays and wonderful new years! Man, I can't believe it's almost 2024... I still feel like I'm in middle school sometimes lol. My college apps are finally done and I got into my top choice, so yay! I can already feel the senioritis setting in though, lol. Hey, that just means I might write more to keep up my motivation lol. I've already started drafting chapter 8, if I'm lucky it'll be out by February, probably.

Also, I mentioned doing a one-year anniversary thing earlier, but I don't think I'll do that... I'm thinking of a little celebration once we reach the end of part 1, which is only 3 chapters away (!!!). I read a social media fic recently and it was fun, I was thinking of doing something similar? Don't know how it would work though. Let me know if you guys have any ideas!

[ahiddenpath]

Life Talk

Tone summary:

Life

I'm lowkey a wreck???? Is that a thing? I think you know what I mean. I get up and do the things, but emotionally everything is like AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

First World Problems

So I've been saving for a bathroom reno for... I don't even know how long, years and years. We have a sum that I thought was pretty substantial??? We went to a showroom and I picked a bunch of stuff I didn't like bc that is what they had. My inspiration for my bathroom is sea glass, and the showroom had neutrals only. Like, the kind of bathroom reno you do to flip a house, but on a much nicer scale.

Anyway, we had y money. Our estimate was y + (y*46%). I mentioned that our estimate made sense about 3 years ago, and the designer said, "Yes, 3 years ago your estimate would be about 6% higher than your budget of y." Meaning there has been a roughly 40% inflation of their services/materials over the last 3 years.

Okay, so like, I get it. I have a home, this is a first world problem. But it also isn't? Because like... What if your pipes burst, and you need to redo your bathroom? Now it's 40% more expensive than it was 3 years ago, through no fault of your own.

It's like everything I was saving for, everything I tried to do... The goal post dramatically leaped in a short timeframe. I'm so frustrated. I'd put it off, but apparently the forecast for this type of goods/services is further unprecedented inflation next year, of course.

I've also spent the whole damned weekend on this, because today, my husband made a 3D model of our bathroom, and I picked stuff I actually like. So like- I haven't done any chores or creative stuff or relaxing. My husband just asked me to get on a call with our two closest friends from out of state to plan a meet up, and I just about burst into tears. I just can't handle more mental load. I don't want to be the person who turns down doing things (that I can reasonably afford) because I'm so overwhelmed, but that's where I am.

Work

It's weird because lately, work has been... A bit better? I take lunches. I leave on time, or even half an hour early. But I'm so beyond burnt out from those few months where I worked closely with someone and did my work plus half of his, or more.

This is a weird thing to say, I know, but I had an epiphany when I was talking to my hairdresser yesterday, lmao! I was telling her all the stuff I did this year at work, and she was like- um, that sounds like a lot? Like really amazing?

And it's true. This year, I generated a type of protein that no one in my company has been able to make. I closed out a project my senior has been trying to do for almost the whole year- I did it in two weeks. I've been taking on and wrapping up lingering projects, all of which I had no clue how to do. My boss calls me The Closer.

And through all of this, I've felt like an underperforming idiot, because I didn't know the skills needed for anything and I struggled and asked a million qs and was anxious all the time. But the people who did have the skills and background couldn't (wouldn't?) do it, and I did.

The place itself is still a massive dumpster fire of chaos. But I'm doing well, except... I'm always given tasks I don't know how to do, and often, no one in my group knows, either. It's all brand new stuff or finishing stuff other people couldn't get done. That is so much extra mental load and stress compared to doing tasks I know how to do.

Creative Life

I've been doing Nanowrimo. Until yesterday, I was doing and feeling great. I wrote all of 83 words yesterday, and 0 so far today, lmao! I'll... try.

I still feel weird/unsure about sharing my work. I'm trying not to focus on that, and instead focus on enjoying creating. Right now, I'm really overwhelmed in general, though.

Fearing for the Future

I'm at the age where if I want to have biological kids, it's uhhhh it's at that "clock is ticking" point. But I'm barely handling myself as I am, without a kid, and stuff keeps getting wildly more expensive. I try to remind myself that I have an anxiety disorder, so my fears are augmented, but...

It really feels like, at this moment, this world isn't fit to bring a kid into. It feels like a lot of the stuff considered normal for a middle class person like twenty years ago is just... Off the table now.

Despair doesn't help anyone, you know? No point languishing on it. But also, uh, it feels very real? I'm sure people think about this a lot lately, so I don't want to catastrophize at length. I guess I'm just sharing that it's on my mind.

I hope you're all well and hanging in there. Please try to take care of yourselves <3

[here-there-were-dragons]

just went downstairs to find dinner was boiled hotdogs with sauerkraut, which i can't eat for a variety of autism and digestive issue reasons. they know this. they've known this for years. the only other two things we have that can be made in single-person sized portions right now are a bunch of ramen noodles, which i shouldn't be eating much less so often because they have next to no nutriational value AND the carb amount is bad for diabetics (and i've already had too much ramen and bread the last few days and really need to eat something more substantial), and nearly two full bags of frozen pre-cooked shrimp that haven't been touched in weeks. so i just scrubbed out a pot and threw a handful or so of frozen pre-cooked shrimp with some butter.

this, apparently, was a cardinal sin to my mother, the woman who ceaselessly harasses me about how all my health problems are from not eating healthy enough, immediately launching her into a rant about what a selfish and rude glutton i am and how i'm STEALING an ENTIRE FAMILY DINNER for TOMORROW NIGHT (those shrimps haven't been touched in almost a month. it takes *at most* half a bag to make a whole family dinner with one and we have two bags. literally nobody in the house has felt like cooking for days and i can tell you for a damn fact no one here would have gone through the effort of washing out two pots and making a tedious fucking noodle dish tomorrow or anytime soon.) to which my response, repeatedly, was basically just "i'm an UNTREATED diabetic, i need to fucking eat something as soon as possible, i can't eat what you made, and the only other thing we have that can be made in the right portion in a short amount of time with what little energy i have is noodles, which i shouldn't have much less in the amounts you make me rely on them" reworded over and over again, and then she started calling up her discord friends to tell them i'm a horrible selfish child and i just WAAAANT to eat EXPEsivE fOoD to which i said "does "autism food issues" mean nothing to you. why am i even asking, that, i already know the answer" and she just got all huffy about how SHE has food issues too and you don't see her complaining even though hot dogs don't sit entirely well (that's a lie. she's always complaining about it.) and i said that if she doesn't have to worry about literally throwing up if she tries to force herself to eat the wrong thing then no, she doesn't understand what i'm going through, and she went on until i just started telling her to stop fucking talking to me so i could finish what i was doing because this wasn't helping literally anyone, i get it i'm a selfish greedy monster that's personally eating us all out of house and home and a spoiled princess and i'm gaining weight because i'm a glutton and not because i'm stressed as hell and keep being forced to survive on rice and noodles and sweetener-laced keto snacks all the time when i can't even properly digest them anymore. to which she started going on about how "YOU'RE not helping US with your SELFISHLY EATING OUR ENTIIIRE DINNER FOr TOMORROW and STEALING EXPENSIVE FOOD"(this from the woman that functionally demands to eat almost nothing but chocolate, plain unseasoned chicken, lobster, and medium rare steak all the time and complains about how we don't care about and are killing her and wasting money when we get anything else, and also is absolutely convinced that huffing EXPENSIVE food-grade peppermint oil off a paper towel literally constantly is an effective treatment for asthma, so she has a constant personal supply of multiple bottles of it in the cabinet. ) and whatnot on and on and on, really needling into the point of "do you HAve any IDEA how rRUUUDE you're being?" and at that point i got fed up reiterating myself and told her while looking down at the pan that "(name), quite frankly, i don't give a shit what you think is rude when my health is on the line."

she decided apparently, that this was a good enough reason to charge across the room screaming at me to get out of her house or she'll call the cops, grab me by the hair and drag me as violently as she could to the side and then slam me into the refrigerator so hard that it slid back a solid 4 inches and broke the base of the fridge. then as she was fucking looming over me, on the ground hissing in pain and asking what the fuck was wrong with her, my useless borderline deadbeat fucking father finally deigned to come in and see what all the hitting noises and pained screaming was about, and she started telling him, that i threw myself into the fridge and she didn't even touch me. my sister, who was sitting right there and saw it all, said fucking nothing. my father, just noncommittally said that he didn't see what happened so he can't comment. as she just kept saying over and over that i threw myself into the fridge and wailing about how i'm a dangerous psychopath that needs to be taken out of here for everyone else's safety and how she wants to put me back in an asylum forever this time, and my useless fucking father just limply went like "the only real option we have is to throw her out on the street" and just started detatchedly half-agreeing with her in nonspecific terms as he wandered back into his computer room like he always does, to which she replied(to the street comment) in an especially cartoonishly venomous voice "TEMPTING."

i don't know exactly what they talked about out there, because i could only barely hear their voices and frankly i was too busy trying not to cry over my food. i do know that he comforted and hugged her. i couldn't go upstairs to get away because the room they were in is right next to the staircase AND the front door and she was waiting to ambush me there if i try to come in, so i had to wait in the kitchen until she came storming back in and i could get past before she noticed me again. she just.... started talking to my sister like nothing happened. commenting on her posture.

when i passed the room, i asked my father if he was siding with her. he just grumbled that he didn't see what happened so he's not siding with anyone. i told him that at this point not taking sides is siding with her. he grumbled that she abuses him the same way too. i asked him why on earth he even stays married to her, she makes us all miserable, she makes him miserable, why? is it just too much trouble for him to bother? i was crying by this point. he said nothing. i asked which one of us she has to kill before he finally does something. he ignored me. i told him that i'm genuinely afraid she might try to smother me in my sleep someday. i wanted to ask him if he'd ever even wanted me to begin with, but i didn't. at that point i was crying to hard to say any more words anyway. and i left.

and now i'm here.

i always strongly suspected that my mother could do literally anything up to and including kill me in front of them and those two would just fucking watch, and would side with her to the cops when she told them i did it to myself after. there's absolutely nothing i can do because any authorities i could possibly summon to this situation would ABSOLUTELY believe her over me no matter what, because i'm the one with the mental health record (even if that record is basically just "has super turbo autism and suicidal thoughts and refuses to do work in school. she must be doing this on purpose maliciously somehow because she is a Bad Kid") and she is FLAWLESSLY good at putting on the Sweet Put-Upon Innocent Mother Who Can Do No Wrong White Woman Crocodile Tears face and is so nice and helpful to literally everyone when anyone who actually matters is around meanwhile near as i can tell i just inherently put out intensely bad vibes to everyone that sees me no matter what i'm doing, my room is a mess and the house is a mess and she blames me for all of it and everyone believes her because of my vibes and my room, and i know for a god damned fact now that both my father and sister would back her up no matter what, and even if there was literally a snowflake's fucking chance in hell of ANYONE much less anyone who matters ever believing me, then what? what could they do? put me back in the fucking state system, that i've BEEN in already MULTIPLE times, that is so utterly horrible on every level that i still stay with my increasingly erratic mother specifically just because the only available alternative is somehow worse? the state system that would take literally everything i own, including the computer i need to mentally survive and all of the remaining records of the few happy things and exactly two decent relationships that have ever existed to me on it, away? and would likely immediately diagnose me with several more legally stigmatized things while they're at it, while most likely refusing to believe me about the diabetes that my parents still still keep making excuses to not take me to get diagnosed and have been since 2021? the area i'm in is partnered with autism speaks and has them basically run the whole mental health system for fuck's sake. literally the only thing "seeking help" could possibly do is get me personally in deeper shit. there is no help. there are only lies disguised as helping hands. this is the best possible life situation for me, and i can't talk about it because either no one believes me or self-righteous do-gooders get a savior complex and blame me for not... trying hard enough to be saved i guess, when their intrusions inevitably just make everything worse. or i talk and the second i mention even the slightest sliver of even my regular mundane day-to-day life it's traumadumping and inappropriate, or i should be expected to hide myself from the world because it's entirely reasonable to consider me inherently obscene and too much for other people to know about and normal people's comfort is more important than my suffering, or people think i'm asking them to save me and i'm not, i'm not asking to be saved, i know it isn't possible, i just don't want to die here all alone.

so now there is a nonzero chance i might be arrested or on the street sometime in the next few weeks/months. i'm afraid she might try to destroy my stuff or throw it outside if i leave it alone. i know no matter what happens the strangers i live with will do nothing but whatever they think will appease her in the moment, as if they think if they somehow magically appease her enough she'll someday stop, and they'll blame me for "provoking" her afterwards. i'm an orphan in every way that matters. i always will be.

can't even finish my own food now. not hungry anymore. her raging over food waste has resulted in even more of it in the long run. but it's not really about the food or even "rudeness" for her, i'm rather sure, so i imagine she doesn't care. it's just another excuse. thirsty but i can't get water because the only drinkable water is in the kitchen and she's there. she's always fucking there, sitting on her fat ass while calling my ass fat and playing her games she doesn't even like with friends she does nothing but complain about, and whining about how we're all abusing her and treating her as a slave while demanding we do some random thing every time she sees one of us walk past.

[cryptid-deity]

Minecraft: August & September

Been a while since the last update, and that's simply because I haven't actually done anything XD I'm also changing how I handle these updates.

My current plan is to make a tunnel from my house to someplace else, where it ends in a small glass dome. This will be a place to admire aquatic life swimming by. The nice thing about this is that I can then dig another tunnel from there and build another dome. I could keep doing this until I have a whole underwater network - but there's never any pressure to commit to that. Every added tunnel and dome is a new finished product.

I don't know how much I'll end up doing for this, since I probably won't be on the realm very often. I don't have a lot of drive to play at the moment: there's lots of other things to do with my time that I'd rather do than dig tunnels in Minecraft. For example, I'm currently playing Portal 2, and I've got Pentiment lined up after that.

I may not do monthly updates anymore, since I don't expect to be on very often. I really like that I did them, though! My progress the first few months is still preserved for me to look at again anytime I want, which is very fun.

I think I'll be updating this "log" whenever I have something substantial to update it with. That might mean going several months without an update, and that's obviously totally fine!

That's all for now, and probably for the foreseeable future :)

[sloanerisette]

Ok I was tagged for this and it took a few days but i'm finally doing it!

How many works do you have on AO3? 46

What's your total AO3 word count? 508,068

What fandoms do you write for? Right now? Digimon, Persona, Fire Emblem, and Dungeon Meshi (technically only one fic for that but who's counting)

Top five fics by kudos:

Falling Through Life (Life is Strange)

At The End of The Day (Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch From Mercury)

You Never Forget Your First Time (Life is Strange)

A Whole New World (Life is Strange)

A smut fic with a name I won't mention because even the name itself is NSFW lmao (Dungeon Meshi)

(For the record I find it very funny that three of these are for a fandom that, while I love the game, I haven't really kept up with the fandom in forever and the top one is an abandoned fic WOOPS. Pro-tip: writing about the hot new game about queer girls will really give you those kudos if you want them)

Do you respond to comments? I do my best to! If someone either doesn't have anything nice to say or doesn't, really, have anything substantial to say or they're just kind of Yapping then I avoid it, but otherwise I take the time to go through comments and thank people profusely for enjoying my stuff

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Oh god this is tough??? I generally write either lighthearted fics or smut and my main dramatic fics just, either aren't anywhere near done to have an angsty ending or were abandoned? If I had to pick probably the Dungeon Meshi fic listed in my top 5 by kudos-- I almost went for a comedic ending but wanted to go for something angsty-ish and unnerving and I thought it hit pretty well! Otherwise the one Fire Emblem 3 Houses fic I have (also a smut fic) has a pretty oof ending

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Man this is TOUGH. I have a lot of happy/nice/sweet endings just by virtue of writing a lot of smut and heartwarming stuff for the fandoms I love. Uh, maybe At The End of The Day??? It takes a nice ending and makes it cute? Otherwise maybe Especially For You which is a smut in my Persona 5 AU that has a really sweet ending for the main ship of the AU???

Do you get hate on fics? Thankfully no! I did have one person laugh at one of the connections a character made even though the character had no reason to believe otherwise? Another time I saw someone bookmarked my fic and mentioned "this character isn't at their best" when frankly I put my whole bussy into writing them incredibly well SO I was salty about that and they have bad taste on that in my imo BUT WHATEVER I KNOW THE TRUTH

Do you write smut? Dawg you have NO idea. I have so many wips that have just not been finished and probably never will be, so many documents with vague outlines that I have no clue will be finished. A small handful I haven't posted yet. Plenty I've written for friends for their birthdays or otherwise. I'm a smut maven and I love it. And I'm apparently pretty good at it, I've been told.

Craziest crossover: The closest thing to a crossover I've done is a crossover AU I did for one of the Jyoumi month challenges that was Joe and Mimi in The World Ends With You? It was... alright. I wrote it all in one day like I did the rest of the onesehots for those challenges and I had some neat ideas but man, I just don't think I'm all too great at crossovers, nor do they entirely interest me? More power to those who CAN do crossovers and do them well, y'all are more powerful than I can imagine

Have you ever had a fic stolen? No, but I DID have a character bio stolen in roleplay before. I know this because I had to make very specific changes/specifications to their power set for that site. Someone used it exactly as is but changed some of the history and I called them out and they insisted it was theirs, despite me having proof and having others verify for me. They kept saying "Oh I've had this forever" and when I asked for proof they turned it around on me being like "Well people have stolen my stuff so I don't want you to steal it" so. It was a great fun mess. Fics? I pray not because if I have to get into something like THAT but for fics I think I'll actually throw hands for real for real.

Have you ever had a fic translated? I have not, I'm not esports enough for that treatment.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? I haven't! It's definitely something that would interest me/would drive me to work harder and more consistent but as of right now, nope.

All time favorite ship? This is not fair this is not right you cannot ask me to do this. I'm gonna do a small handful and y'all will have to put up with it

Joe Kido and Mimi Tachikawa (Digimon)

Kari Kamiya and Yolei Inoue (Digimon)

Davis Motomiya and Yolei Inoue (Digimon)

Kumiko Oumae and Reina Kousaka (Sound! Euphonium)

Suletta Mercury and Miorine Rembran (Gundam: The Witch From Mercury)

Joker and Ryuji Sakamoto (Persona 5)

Yu Narukami and Ai Ebihara (Persona 4)

Yu Narukami and Rise Kujikawa (Persona 4)

Nico Minoru and Karolina Dean (Runaways)

Jemma Simmons and Leo Fitz (Agents of SHIELD)

I have so many fucking ships these are just the first ones I thought of this isn't even counting the rp/tabletop ships with original characters or otherwise we'd be here all day.

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Probably my old main Life is Strange AU that I was writing as the game was coming out or an Agents of SHIELD AU I wrote when I got back into fic writing early into the pandemic. Neat stories I hold dear but I just don't have the time, energy, or motivation to work on them anymore.

What are your writing strengths? I think dialogue and conversations. I've also been told I'm pretty good at writing characters true to how they are in the source material which is great. I've also been told my writing is very snappy and sincere which makes me very very happy. I also like to think I'm alright at fight scenes!

What are your writing weaknesses? Probably good descriptions of places/people/things, especially in smut. I always feel like I can get better so I'm pretty hyper critical of my own stuff, so I think descriptions, as well as being too wordy sometimes. I use so many words to say a few things and it's frustrating.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? Personally I'm iffy on it. I think it's something that needs to be worked on very well. I've recently seen stuff of people writing characters in English for like, fics in English or rp in English but they'll say stuff like "Naruhodo" and it just absolutely throws me off and I just think "You are not serious people" a la Logan Roy. When I write fics in Japan (besides Digimon because I generally go dub-focused but that's another matter) I'll do stuff like honorifics, but I generally won't try to use dialogue in another language. It trips up easier than it actually works well in my opinion, and I think I would need to be a lot better of a writer to do it-- there's a reason why so many Digidestined across the world speak in Japanese primarily in stuff like the sub of the World Tour after all, lmao

First fandom you wrote in? Tales of Symphonia! I love that game so much and I have to credit it with my love of fic writing. It was a horrible self-insert fic that I cringe whenever I think about it, but it's MY horrible self-insert fic that makes me cringe.

Favorite fic you’ve written? This is literally not fair lmao. I think Someone On Your Side for Persona 5 as part of my AU was a lot of fun, very affirming, but also took the issues of societal transphobia especially in the context of my AU seriously and with weight. Also, The Curse of The Beast was some fun unhinged smut I got to write and I adore it. But also something something all my fics are special except the ones that aren't.

Tagged by: @zuzsenpai Thank you for tagging me! Sorry for the wait but I hope you enjoy this haha. It was a lot of fun to do this!

Tagging: whoever wants to feel free I always feel weird about tagging this stuff so go for it

[mealswildride]

A Rant about Death, Gettysburg, and Observational Research

After losing dad, my friend came hundreds of miles to be present for the funeral. We went out to dinner afterwards, and once everyone was a couple of drinks in, he managed to talk me into attending the 160th Reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg with him. 

This is something I'd NEVER do, but I accepted. Partly because of how much he went out of his way for me, partly because of simple peer pressure (I'd be called a bitch if I said no (Mama didn't raise no bitch) ), but a substantial part of it was, for me, this idea of the Quest. Especially as the weeks went by, as I finished school and returned home for the Summer only for my grief to grow worse, I think I marked the battle as this climax in my "James is sad'' arc, where, once I was up and over that hill, I would have completed this objective I arranged for myself at the lowest point of my life, and it would have, somehow, told my brain that I didn't have to be sad anymore.

The battle was on the hottest day of the Summer, on one of the hottest days of the Literally Ever, and the air stunk of campfire as the whole of Canada was, at the time, burning. I sweated my ass off, nearly fainted from dehydration, fell asleep in an officer's chair and, just by the good graces of a medic, didn't get pranked by the rest of my crew. Ultimately, while it's not my thing and I'd never do it again, I had a blast. I spent time with good friends I almost never see, saw a part of the country I’d never see if it wasn't for this, and gained a whole lot of respect for the guys who died to reunify the country. This being said, upon returning home a seasoned veteran, I felt no better than when I had left. Life returned to our new, miserable, "normal", and I isolated myself for the next few months until school resumed. 

I bring this story up now because, frankly, I've been struggling with searching for sources of observational research for Capstone. That isn't to say I haven't found any. Everyone I've spoken to has been really moved by my ideas, and has had something I should watch, read, or play to suggest as a result. While I am appreciative of these, when it comes to words on paper every time I try to connect them to my project, I'm lying. I have to lie to say with a straight face that Red Dead Redemption 2 or The Good Place or Black Mirror, or basically anything apart from some Unity tutorials has actually influenced where I thought my project was going from Day 1. I want to talk about the things that influenced me at the start, but all that delivers is "I haven't done anything since the start of the semester". I’ve used all my other original inspirations to their fullest extent, with the only exception being Gettysburg. It has been something of six months now, and in the midst of exams (seems like we really only have two weeks between the end of my latest midterm and the start of my earliest final), I had forgotten entirely about it, and whenever I did think about it I didn’t think it related at all to my work.

This changed recently (tonight, as I write this), as I finally connected some other puzzle pieces that have made it make sense. In conversation with my Game Design instructor some weeks ago, he asked if I knew how the game I'm developing would end, which, at the time, I didn’t. We talked for a bit, which yielded the conclusion that the Emulation your character is trying to build disables itself once you find the last memory piece. This was based on the fact that the game is supposed to mirror my own thought process in discovering what preservation is actually about. It begins with this idea of restoring somebody through A.I., through a big metal box with their personality inside, a literal monument, a physical presence, but ends with the box lecturing you about how this emulation isn’t real, and how the way the person being emulated truly lives on is through the adventure you just endured, through the memory that bullshit, exhausting quest just created. 

I did all of this without consciously thinking about the battle, but I think subconsciously, it was always there. The character you play as understands his quest to complete the Emulation as a means to end his sorrow. I thought of the battle that same way. The character undergoes a revelation at quest’s end that it wasn’t about some physical thing fixing their sense of loss, but rather using death as a means to spur on new, exciting things, to build new memories, to live on because the ones they loved were once there. Gettysburg didn’t fix me. Gettysburg was never going to fix me. But it was fun, and I never would have gone if I wasn’t at that funeral. 

[lost-in-wond3rland]

Being on tumblr really just feels like being adrift in the middle of the ocean

It really does feel like no one else is on this hell site which is kind of great because I never feel bad about shit posting lol I don't think I've done anything BUT shit post about my current hyper fixations in YEARS lol (case and point, me re-blogging a bunch of red white and royal blue posts the other day because I finished reading the book and would like the movie now please-)

I forgot I used to write on here sometimes, or that I even could. Was it ever anything substantial? Nah. Just musings of a usually v depressed and out of wack teenager.

I am now a slightly less depressed out of wack adult lmao

All this to say, read at your own whim or risk or whatever. It's the internet dude, do what you want.

I'm starting grad school in a little over a month, and I know people talk about how daunting that is all the time. But what I haven't really seen is people talking about going into a program that has n o t h i n g to do with your BA. I'm essentially doing a bit of a 180 with my studies, and where everyone else has loads of experience, and knowledge, and is just so stupid fucking smart, I...

Well, that's just it, isn't it? The trail off. The ... .

Not to say (among other things) that I'm not "smart" per-say. I'm not dumb, I know that. But these people? Mannnnn, you guys should hear and see some of these people. It is nothing short of terrifying.

I've been feeling very Elle Woods in her "coming here was a mistake" era lately. But when I try to explain that, it's usually the same "don't get intimated!" "you're all just starting!" "you're going to be fine!" etceteras etceteras. Not necessarily untrue, but not necessarily true either.

I'm going into a program where I am leaps and bounds behind literally everyone. People older than me, people younger than me, doesn't matter. And it feels like as hard as I work, I'm always missing something. Always 10, 15, 20, 100 steps behind everyone else. We just had a month of an online intensive orientation where we were interacting, and talking on discussion boards, and doing homework... And somehow, I still cant get everything fully right. Down to choosing the wrong kind of photo to go on my fucking introduction slide. Like come on! Seriously!? I can't even get that right? It's...

Yeah. It's.

So here I am, sitting on my bed, with my smart lights set to purple, in a too big Spider-Man cardigan, with a Taylor Swift lofi playlist going on youtube, contemplating yet again how the fuck I got here.

I made the joke to my mom that I was just the diversity pick. She didn't find that nearly as funny as I did. I digress.

We're... working on it. Kind of, at least. Pretending to, more accurately.

I just feel... like I'm in a constant state of having to prove myself, because nothing is ever enough. Nothing has ever been enough. I have worked so hard to the point where I have been on the brink of passing out before and even that still was not fucking enough.

Enough for who? For me? For my parents? For the metaphorical "them"? For anyone? I don't know. All of the above?

For that, I have no concrete answer and yet piles and piles and piles of evidence showing that nothing has in fact ever been enough.

I'm complaining too much, aren't I? I know it's not. World ending. There are bigger things. "People are dying Kim!" I know (also no, my name is not Kim, please understand the reference I'm begging lol).

Just some casual almost 9pm thoughts I guess.

I have work tomorrow, had the day off today. I started a new job and of course that happened at the same time as the online intensive so maybe that exasperated all these feelings since I really have had not a goddamn clue as to what has been happening for almost a month now but. I digress. But the job is going pretty okay. Slowly, I've been able to start to figure that out. And I somehow made it to the Eras Tour this weekend which was mind meltingly amazing. So I shouldn't complain. I really don't have anything to complain about at all.

And yet.

And yet.

And yet.

Well, I'm gonna fuck off and read some fanfic now. If for whatever reason someone tortured themselves and made it to the end, whats your fic poison of choice lately? I've been reading loads of Irondad & Spiderson fics. Give me Peter "I take care of everyone but don't know how to take care of myself because I think I'm fine" Parker and Tony "100% has a heart and just wants his idiot pseudo son to realize it's okay for people to help you" Stark all day.

...does that reveal too much? Eh. It's fine, I'm fine.

-Seven

07.24.2023

[springsaladgaming]

Progress Updated 9/1/2022 aka what day is it?

I'm think I might have missed a couple of updates? But I can't be sure. One of the many weird things about ADHD is that you plan to do a thing, like contact a friend or family member for example, and you keep saying to yourself, "I'll get to it later," and then next thing you know three months have passed and everyone else feels pissed off and neglected whereas you still feel like you talked to them just yesterday. And then apply that to everything else in your life too. Eating meals, showering, doing laundry, going grocery shopping—and it's different from depression, when you just don't have the energy or willpower to accomplish these things. Instead, you have every intention of doing them...on an infinite timeline. It can be a real shit show.

I bring it up because normally I'm pretty good at coping with this time perception difficulty and still getting things done, but lately I've been fatigued very frequently and have not been managing the quirks of my neurodiversity very well. That unfortunately includes me making these updates and working on my interactive fictions (both of them). I live in a place where September and August are the hottest months of the year, and right now my theory is that the heat is responsible for my lapses in self-management. It's a domino effect; I don't sleep very well, sleep deprivation sets off my chronic health issues which, though minor, make me less able to cope with other things. Like the sound of a fly buzzing up against a window across the house, for example. (The other day, there were about 40 flies buzzing around my kitchen, living room, and bedroom, and I wish that was an exaggeration. I almost lost my damn mind.) And then I'm so wound-up about those kinds of things that I can't devote the mental energy to managing my time well.

All that is to say that I haven't gotten much done on my WIPs lately. Even though they are on my mind constantly, setting aside the time to work on them has been hard. What work I have gotten done has been mostly on paper—the tactility of wring in pen is soothing and is one of the only things right now that's allowing me to work on Ninelives, but writing by hand is obviously slower and harder to substantiate in terms of the measurements we typically look to for works in digital form. I've been doing some plotting and some coding prep for Chapter 3, making note of routes and choices I want available. I wanted to have Chapter 2 finished by now, but it's not.

In light of everything I've just said, I don't want to officially go on hiatus or anything like that, but I want to set the expectation that progress will likely continue to be slow at least until the weather cools down. Thanks for your patience with me, and thanks to those of you who have continued to send me asks in the meantime. They help keep my mind focused on Ninelives, so I always enjoy getting them. (I have a couple still in my inbox, I will try my best to get to them soon!)

As always, hope everyone is doing well and staying safe out there!

[qqueenofhades]

Is there any chance in Superhell that your TOG fic The Ring Of Solomon will be completed? It is amazing. But people are busy and writing is hard and inspiration can be fickle so of course it's reasonable that maybe not.

Sigh, okay. I have answered several questions on the topic of future plans for that fic in my tkos asks tag. In summary, there are some old fics of mine that I know I will never get around to finishing, and TKOS isn't in that category. I am still interested in it and still would like to finish it sometime, but I don't know when that would be.

I am also in a seriously low mental-health place right now and haven't written anything substantial on ANY of my current WIPs for like... over a month, which is very unusual for me. I want to do so, but it's just not happening because yeah, no spoons. I have been working a time-consuming new job and had other things going on and etc etc don't need to bore you with the details, but it is what it is. Alas. One day, the ability to word will return to me, and we will all rejoice. Especially me. But yes. That's how it is right now.

[fallynleaf]

writing asks 3,5, 9

3. Tell me about what’s next on your list for being completed?

i have several fics in varying states of completion. a few of the shorter ones are candidates for getting finished and published next february (my tradition is to finish and publish an old project every International Fanworks Day on february 15), but none of them are like. especially good or anything. they're just various projects i've had sitting around for years.

my longest WIP is a marauder-era Remus/Sirius fic that i started years ago. the draft is currently 50k words, and the remainder of the fic is extensively outlined, so i could easily pick it back up, if i wanted to. i haven't decided what exactly i'm going to do with it, or if it's worth finishing, at this point, considering, well, JKR. the fic was planned to be essentially a full novel of the marauders' last year in school, so there's probably at least 40k words of fic left to write in order to finish the story, but i know all of the main plot beats already. out of all the WIPs i have, this is the one that is closest to completion, but it might perpetually exist in that state forever. we'll see.

the fic i genuinely would love to complete is a modern AU of The Terror where the expedition is a doomed indie wrestling promotion instead. i have lots of concepts for this story, and i think i have the ability to actually pull it off, but unfortunately i came up with the concept for it right around when i started really committing to learning Japanese, and i've been too busy studying every day instead of writing much of anything 😅

as far as original fiction goes, i actually have a novel draft that is complete, but it’s a weird book because it’s technically a modern AU for an extremely public domain story, so i could publish it right now as a 50k fic if i wanted, or i could publish it as an original fiction novel, and i haven’t decided exactly what to do with it, so it’s just sitting in my hard drive.

5. Show me your favorite under-appreciated fic; why do you wish it got more attention?

Rabbit in Wolf's Clothing will probably forever be one of these, just by nature of the fandom. i wish it got more attention because i am very proud of it and put months of work into it, but it is cursed to only have a small handful of people interested in the premise. this is also my longest finished fic.

Comment by MrCrowley on AngelOfNazareth's post is another one. for some years, i referred to this fic as the funniest thing i'd ever written. this is another fic doomed to obscurity because of the relationship tag, which is not a relationship that any human being wants to seek out fic for. this fic isn't that long, but the few thousand words that are in it took me months to come up with, so it looks deceptively short. i'm proud of this fic because i think it plays with a whole bunch of themes in the show that other fics rarely touch in the same way.

9. Do you write linearly or skip around?

this is a tricky question! i generally write pretty linearly, but there are times that i write a little ahead. typically, i just write dialogue ahead (if i come up with some good dialogue for a scene way later in the story, i'll write it down early, because if i don't, i'll almost certainly forget it), but sometimes i'll start writing future dialogue lines and also come up with some description to accompany them.

any scene that i write in advance almost always has to be edited (sometimes substantially) in order to fit into the story once my writing gets to that point. i'm largely a discovery writer, so even when i outline stuff ahead of time, the story always takes some unexpected turns and ends up at least slightly different than i had envisioned. because of this, i can't do too much writing out of order, haha! i don't fully know the story i'm telling until i get there, basically.

[pink-peony-princess]

Matters of the Heart

"Why?"  I groaned rolling over throwing a pillow across the room at my alarm clock.  It was 5:30 in the morning and I was not in the mood to get up.  Not only was it Friday, which meant it was the end of the week and I was exhausted, but I had a massive English final and to top it all off I was feeling pretty crappy. As I sat up, rubbing at my tired eyes I couldn't help but notice the aching of my limbs, my scratchy throat and my stuffed up nose.

I knew I needed to get up though,so I reluctantly left the warmth of my bed and trudged down stairs,  finding that I was the first one awake.

For a few minutes the house was silent,and I relished it,knowing that by the end of the day I was going to have a pounding headache. It was at that moment when I started mentally kicking myself for fighting with my big brother Shawn when he had suggested getting a flu shot a month earlier. He wasn't happy, and it took a fair but of convincing,but eventually he let it slide. I hated needles, and he knew that.

"You look like you're about to fall over Aimee," Shawn appeared suddenly, laughing when I jumped slightly in fright, coming over to where I was leaning against the counter.

I looked up and smiled half-heartedlly.

"I feel like it!" I groaned.

"Hug?" he asked opening his arms for me to step into. Ever since I could remember we had always shared a hug first thing in the morning.

It was a ritual,  and just because I was now seventeen and a senior in high school didn't mean that I didn't love it.

"Aimmee, you feel warm," he spoke, resting his hand on my forehead as I leant into him "Why don't you stay home today Sweet Pea?" he asked as I waited,  snuggled in his arms for my coffee to finish brewing,sniffling every so often.

"Can't," I sighed,  " I've got a massive test first period for English," I told him before swotting his hand away.

"Well at least make sure you take some Tylenol,  and have plenty of water," He told me, as I grabbed my coffee,  ready to leave the house.

"Shawn,I'm not a baby!" I huffed,rolling my eyes.  I hated it when he went all over protective on me,  especially when it came to my health.  Of course it was just my luck that he and our other three housemates and his best friends,Brian, Dave and Connor were all well respected doctors at the local hospital's Emergency Department.

He hummed in response, clearly not impressed with my answer, but didn't push it. Normally he would've put his foot down and told me point blank I wasn't going. I knew I still had a ways to go though as I still had to get past the others. 

I considered them to be brothers to me, just the same as Shawn, so I was very close with all of them. Consequently they were all extremely protective of me,  something which I hated, as I really wasn't too fond of anything medical. I'd had a couple of bad experiences when I was younger that had put me off hospitals.

"Brian and Dave just left, and Connor's on call," Shawn told me as I grabbed my house keys. "I'll be home tonight. Bri and D will be home by lunch, so call one of them if you need to come home early. " He kissed my head before opening the door for me,  and telling me to 'have a good day'.

Several hours later, and the day was turning out to be worse than expected. I had just come out of second period, and my head was throbbing, my throat aching as the pain killers I had taken earlier had long since left my system.To out it simply I was feeling like the walking dead.

"I love you babe,  but you really are looking a bit rough hon." My best friend Emma spoke as she came to meet me outside the classroom.

"Let's just go sit down, " I begged as the halls started to fill. We walked in silence, not saying much, but as we were making our way through the doors to the lunch room I suddenly became very light- headed.  White spots obscured my vision as I made a grab for the closest object, the side of the door.

"Are you okay Aimee?" Emma asked, coming to a stop behind me.  Do you need me to call Shawn?"  She asked as I tried to keep myself upright.

"He's at work call Brian or Dave please." I managed to get out, between sharp breaths, as she led me to a lunch table. As soon as she had me seated and stable she pulled out my phone from my bag and called. I could hear talking, but was too focused on not passing out, or throwing up to actually pay attention.

"Dave said he's on his way right now," she spoke making me sigh in relief. At least now I knew that if I fainted I would be in the presence of a doctor or doctors given that Brian was home now too.

"We may as well go up to the office, " she suggested taking my bag from me, and giving me a sympathetic smile. We trudged slowly up to the office building, and once I was there the school nurse made her leave, taking me to her office where I lay on the cot in silence, trying to will away the dizzyness that was now causing the room to spin even more. 

I felt like I was on one of those spinny rides they have at amusement parks.

I wasn't really paying attention to the time or my surroundings so it startled me slightly when I heard the nurse's voice and realised that she was no longer in the room with me.

"She's in here. She drifted off about ten minutes ago, the poor darling," she tutted as the door opened. Dave stepped into the room, dressed in scrubs, his ID badge identifying him as a doctor at the hospital still attached to his pocket. Clearly he had just come from work.

"I'm sorry I made you leave early," I apologised,  coughing.

"Aimee, don't be ridiculous, you know the guys and I would drop anything any time you need us honey." I knew it was true. They had lived together since their intern year, and when I moved in I basically gained three other family members.  It wasn't much of an adjustment though as I already saw them as older brothers, so I knew he meant what he was saying.

"So you're not feeling too good ha? " he asked, coming over to the cot, and giving me yet another sympathetic smile.

"You could say that," I laughed at the gross understatement before, letting out a few harsh coughs, making Dave's brow furrow.

He took my hand, and pulled me into a sitting position slowly.

"I feel dizzy," I mumbled, holding his hand more tightly.

" You're okay, it's probably just your Eustachian Tubes. If they get blocked, it messes with your balance, and can make you feel dizzy," he explained calmly as he waited for me to get my bearings. Once I felt normal enough to stand,Dave took my bag,  and led me out to his car, keeping a supportive hand on my lower back the entire time.

"How long have you felt sick?" he asked switching into doctor mode almost immediately as soon as we stepped out of the office. "Aimmee?" he asked again as we got strapped in.  It was only then that I realised I hadn't answered his question.

"Since last night," I admitted,  leaning my head on the window.

"You really should have gotten the flu shot," he spoke a few minutes later.

" D, don't lecture me,  you know I hate needles!" I grumbled, turning to glare at him.

"I'm just saying." He held his hands up in defense.

"Well just don't say!" I snapped back.  "Sorry, " I added when I saw the look of shock. " I get mean when I'm tired."

He smiled, nodding in response, but didn't say anything, instead turning the car on and heading for home. Something which I was greatful for as I wasn't in the mood to talk.

The next thing I was aware of was my door opening slowly and Dave rubbing my arm gently.

"Aimmee, we're home honey," he spoke as I squinted, readjusting to the light. He was patient as I got out of the car, and made my way inside, helping me into the warm house and straight upstairs to my room.

"Take this," he spoke, handing me some decongestant for my cough and some aspirin for my headache. 

I made my way slowly over to the bed once I had taken the given medication, curling up as Brian walked in with a soft smile, still dressed in his scrubs, stethoscope round his neck. "Hi sweetheart, I just want to take your temperature." he told me  coming over to the bed, with a thermometer in hand, sitting beside me.

"I'm going to turn the heating up,  and get a few more blankets," Dave told us before leaving the room.

"Sit up for my Aimee," Brian spoke, pulling the covers back.

"No," I whined, rolling over to try to avoid it.

"Come on Aimee, it'll only take a minute," he promised as Dave returned and came over, helping to roll me over. True to his word it was only a minute later that the machine beeped and I heard them both hum.

"You got yourself a substantial fever hon. I want you to get into a singlet. You can have a thin blanket if you're feeling cold, but the more we reduce the outside heat sources the better."

"You shouldn't be having to look after me," I huffed as I got out of bed in order to remove my excess clothing. "You haven't even removed your stethoscope or the gel from your hair, " I pointed to the way his hair was still spiked back with gel,  knowing that when Brian got home, removing  it was always the first thing he did, kind of like washing the day away.

"How about you let me worry about that hey?" he suggested, before laughing as I nearly fell, trying to remove my school pants, leaving me in just bike shorts and a crop top. Once I was changed he got me situated, propping up pillows to help with my cough.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "Hey where'd Dave go? " I asked noticing for the first time that he wasn't in the room anymore. 

"He had some paper work to catch up on," This wasn't unusual as Dave was the Head of the Emergency Department, with Shawn, Connor and Brian working as his deputys, helping to lead the charge as the hospital is one of the biggest in the country,getting code blacks several times a month.  

"As do I, so get some sleep. Just shout if you need anything, I'll be in the lounge drowning in paper work." He smiled as he pulled the quilt up around me and walked out the door.

I woke to whispers a while later, not knowing where I was, or what time it was for a few moments.  When I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my forehead,  and then my wrist,  I came back to reality.

"She's still too warm," someone whispered.

"Aimmee?" I recognized the voice as Brian. Slowly I managed to open my eyes, squinting, and letting out a small moan at the instant headache the newfound light was giving me.

"How you feeling hon?" he asked, sitting on the bed, and rubbing my arms gently. He had changed into sweat pants and an old teeshirt since the last time I was awake, his hair now flopping over the right side of his face.

"Cold, sore, tired...," I listed off, trying to fight the urge to cough again. I just wanted to roll over and curl back up.

"How 'bout you come down stairs and have something light to eat, get some fluids into you,  and I'll heat up a hot water bottle for you?" he suggested, standing up from the bed.

I really didn't want to, but I knew I really didn't have a choice, and that no matter what I said, he would make me.

"Fine," I sighed, slowly sitting up, and following him and Dave at a snail's pace down the stairs.

"Why'd you go to school?" he asked as I got settled on the couch.

"Had a test I couldn't miss," I answered between another set of bone rattling coughs.

"That doesn't sound good." He folded his arms and eyed me carefully.

"Yeah well, it doesn't feel too good either."

"Will you let one of us listen to your chest?" he asked, probably already knowing the answer.

I shook my head. He left it at that, and went to get some food for me, also heating up the hot water bottle as promised. When he returned he made me eat a piece of toast and have some honey lemon tea to help soothe my sore throat, before finally letting me go back to sleep. That was where I was when my brother stepped into the house, I don't know how many hours later.

"How are you feeling?" Shawn came to sit on the couch with me, still dressed in his scrubs.

"Pretty crappy." I sniffed leaning into his side, and relishing the warmth.

" Brian,when was the last time she had medicine?"  he asked, pressing his palm to my to head.

Brian poked his head into the room from the kitchen. Probably having been preparing dinner, as they all took turns usually.

"About five."

"So about an hour ago," Dave surmised, coming over to sit on the other side of me,and looking at his watch.

"You're still feeling warm Princess, I'm going to go get some wet washers. You're having the flu shot next year Princess." he called as he left the room.

"But Shawn!" I whined, he knew how much I hated needles.

No,we are not having a repeat of this. Wouldn't you rather avoid this if you can?"

"You don't even know it's what it is. How long does it last though?"

" Seven to ten days, give or take. That's if it is the flu though," he qualified from the other room.

"I am sick of feeling sick," I grumbled as I chucked yet another batch of tissues into the bin that Brian had left beside the couch for me.

"Well maybe you'll think about that next time I say it's time to get your flu shot," he sassed, coming back into the room with several cold washers. I couldn't help but roll my eyes, he always had to be right!

"I saw that!" Dave laughed, poking my side and winking.

"Saw what?" Shawn asked, looking between the two of us.

"Nothing," I answered with a smile, trying to convey my innocence. " But seriously Shawnie, I know being a doctor is practically in your DNA,  but could like not use this moment to do a 'I told you so. '," I huffed, throwing my weight to the back of the couch again.

He and Dave just laughed, before they worked together, placing the clothes around my body- under my arms, on my forehead, even my feet.

"You know if you let one of us take a look at you,  then we might actually be able to help you," Connor spoke from the door, arms crossed,  it was the first time I'd seen him all day. He looked tired, but somehow there was still a teasing glint in his eyes.

"No," I answered immediately, shivering at the thought.

He sighed coming to sit on the edge of the couch.

"We're not going to do anything to hurt you honey,  but you've been sick for over 24 hours now, and nothing is changing."

"Not all doctors are nasty, cold people like your previous one," Shawn added with a gentle smile,  reaching to take my hand in his. "Besides, I'm your brother and I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, we all took an oath not to do harm."

At least let us check your temperature again and eat something."

I looked down ringing my fingers before looking back at them all.

"Okay, but can we watch a movie after?"

...

It was now several hours later,and the movie (Monsters, INC.) had finished, and we were all in bed, but I lay awake tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable spot. I could feel that my fever had gotten worse, I was sweating, but freezing, I had aches and pains, and my whole body felt like lead. On top of that I now had a weird stabbing pain in my chest that was getting worse, and it was freaking me out. At first I thought it was just from all the coughing, but when it wasnt getting better after a solid half an hour of trying to ignore it, I knew something was wrong.

I got up slowly, and made my way down the hall to my brother's room, opening the door, seeing him splayed out on the bed, shirtless and snoring.

"Shawn?" I whispered, hoping to wake him, but it didn't do anything.  "Shawn?" I tried again, this time shaking his arm a little bit, still nothing. Finally I was about to give up when I heard a voice from outside.

"Aimee?" Connor asked, stepping into the doorway, his face illuminated by moonlight flooding through the window.

"Con," I sighed relieved.

"What's wrong? " he asked as I came to stand next to him, him pulling me into a hug.

"My heart hurts," I hicupped into his chest.  "My heart hurts," I repeated.

"Okay,calm down," he soothed, rubbing my back, and starting to lead me back downstairs, but not before shaking Shawn awake, and telling him to wake the others, all of which came into the lounge room minutes later, rubbing tiredly at their eyes.

"Now what sort of pain is it?" Connor asked,sitting next to me, and taking my pulse, as the others watched.

"It feels like I'm being stabbed here, " I told him holding my hand over my chest. Their brows furrowed.

"Does it hurt more when you're lying down or sitting? " Dave asked, coming over to me.

"Standing and lying down," I answered.

"How long has it been hurting?" Brian asked, feeling my forehead once again for the fever. "Her fever has spiked," he muttered, "Right I need to listen to your chest for a minute Poppet," Dave spoke standing and running to his room.

We sat quietly as we waited for Dave, me trying to get a hold of my emotions, as Connor sat beside me, rubbing calming circles on my back.

"I  don't like this," I mumbled leaning into Shawn's side so that my face was in his neck, my voice muffled.

"You're doing great though Princess."

"But what if it's something bad?" I whispered, looking up at my brother.

"Aimee, I can't promise you anything right now, but I do know that you have four people here with you that are going to look after you. Right now, your only job is to let us do our jobs okay?" he smiled pulling me into him more tightly.

"You alright Princess?" Dave asked kneeling down beside the couch.

"No," I whispered the tears coming back as he went to place the stethoscope to my chest.

He sighed before dropping his arms and looking at me. "What are you scared of Sweetheart?" He didn't look angry, merely concerned so I told the truth.

"I don't like hospitals, or doctors," I admitted feeling stupid.

"Look Princess, I know you haven't had the best experiences with them in the past, but right now we really need to figure out what's going on. Try to remember that it's just me okay, just D, one of you're annoying big brothers. Don't think of it negatively, just think of it as we're trying to make you feel better," he suggested.

"Can you explain everything?" I asked, my voice breaking a bit.

"Of course,everything will be at your pace, okay?"

I nodded, showing him that I understood. " Is it okay, if I lift this up, so I can listen to your heart and lungs?" he asked tugging at my sweater lightly. I nodded again, holding Shawn's hand just a little bit more tightly.

"Just think, you're really quite lucky, it's not everyday that you get the Head of the Emergency Department doing a personal consult for you," Shawn said.

"That is true." I smiled despite everything.

"I know I'm the best," Dave laughed, as he stood up to listen to my lungs.  "Deep breath in for me." I did as asked, waiting impatiently for it all to be over.

"There's definitely some crackling, especially on the left side of the lungs, and I'd like to double check, but it sounds to me like there's some inflammation around the heart," he spoke, allowing me to lean back.

"What, what does that mean? " I asked, my heart rate spiking again.

"If I'm right it means that the virus has effected the layers of your heart. Basically the tissue has gotten inflammed and is rubbing together. That's what is causing the pain."

"Is it dangerous?" I panicked feeling the blood drop from my face.

Connor looked at me before answering carefully. "It can be, but chances are that it's viral Pericarditis,  so it should resolve within a few days with minimal intervention." he explained gently.

"Per, whaty-what?" I asked, feeling more confused than ever.

"Pericarditis,  it's the medical name, " Brian explained, all of them them laughing at my sheer confusion.

"So what now?"

"Well as Dave said we need to check- get some x- rays to confirm, and while we're there we'll investigate everything else that's going on.  It's almost certain you've got the flu, and that's what has caused it, so we   need to get that sorted for everything else to get better," Shawn explained.

I groaned, letting my head drop into his lap,  unfortunately this created the urge to cough, and with every cough that I let out, the burning,  stabbing pain only intensified.

"We really need to get you to the hospital," Shawn urged seeing my discomfort, before bending down and picking me up, cradling me in his arms.

The other dashing upstairs to get into clothes other than pyjamas, and grab their badges. None of them seemed to care that they weren't in scrubs, and when I asked Shawn if it mattered he responded with "As long as we have our badges with us,  it's okay. It's not mandatory to wear uniforms."

Once they were ready, they bundled me up in blankets, Shawn insisting that they protect me from the cold winter air, even for the short walk from the house to the car. I tried to be helpful, and support some of my weight as Shawn carried me to the vehicle, but I just didn't have any energy,  and every time I moved, it hurt. Eventually I gave up, having tried to shuffle into my seat, twisting the wrong way and sending a shot of pain straight through my chest.

"Just let us do the work," Dave stopped me as I tried again,holding my arms, and bringing me to a holt, and so from that point on I was something of a jelly fish. Except for the shaking, I could barely stay still the whole drive, my legs trembling of their own accord, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.

"You'll be alright, " Connor commented,  giving me a much needed hug as he helped me out of the car 20 minutes later.

By now I was feeling straight up petrified, and the worst part about it was, all four of the guys knew it. And there was absolutely nothing I could do.

"Come on," Shawn whispered, leading me slowly towards the hospital entrance.

Inside, they led me straight past the admissions desk, briefly filling one of the nurses in as we made our way into the room, Shawn helping me gently onto the single bed.

"Not anyone I don't know," I begged, holding onto Shawn, as the others moved around the room,  collecting things and setting up equipment. I tried not to pay attention as I could already feel the anxious knots forming.

"You know we're not meant to be treating you Princess, at least not here, we're family," he responded, kissing my hand, while grabbing a gown from a draw and passing it to me, turning around so I could get changed,the others not paying attention.

"Actually Shawn," Dave spoke once I was dressed in the hideous cloth, "The pit is in overdrive, I had five new admissions just in the last half hour of my shift, and the other doctors are overloaded, I really don't think anyone will mind, and if they do they can take it up with me as the Head of the Department. She needs to be seen to, especially if our suspicions are right, " Dave interrupted, patting my arm gently.

"Aimee?" Brian called, getting my attention. "We'll take this really slowly hon, but we need to hook you up to a couple of things, okay?" I nodded, managing a smile as they went about starting to attach everything.  A blood pressure and heart rate monitor, which I knew, a mask,  which Shawn was quick to explain that I needed as I tried to remove it. "Leave it there baby, you could really do with the extra oxygen at the moment. You're heart is racing, and your blood pressure is also a little higher than it should be. Heart rate 120, BP 130/90," he called to the others as he watched the monitors that were now displaying my vitals. 

"That's a little higher than it should be Aimee, just try to relax, I know it's scary, and I know that all the lights, and the noises won't be helping,  but I promise you, you're in the best place right now, " Connor promised, coming over, and warming his stethoscope up in his hands before placing it against my chest.

The machines attached to me started beeping, as my heart rate picked up again, only making me feel more anxious and agitated.The guys seemed unfazed though, Brian quickly shutting them off with no trouble. " It's just an alert to tell us that you're vitals are higher than they should be," he explained when he noticed me watching his every move.

"Aimee?" Connor called, resting his hand under my chin, and turning my head gently so that my focus was on him again. "Ignore all that sweetheart,the guys will sort that out okay, all I need you to do is focus on Luke and I okay?" he smiled when I nodded, before helping me to sit up. "Breathe in for me Aimee, and out, and again," he spoke as I took shaky breathes, holding Shawn's hand in a death grip.

"There's definitely some wheezing there.  I'd like to get a chest x-ray, and start you on fluids," he told me as he moved the stethoscope away, and allowed me to lay back again. "I'll order the x- ray now, you should be able to have it done in the next half an hour," he added as he went to the computer in the corner of the room, and pressed a few buttons.  "Done, they'll page us when they're ready for you," he smiled.

"Right, is it okay if I have your left hand Princess?" Dave asked stepping up to the side of the bed. I only realised what he was dining when I  saw the tray that he had placed down next to my side.

"No," I cried, panicked, realising that it was a needle, and other equipment, necessary for an I.V. "Can't you just give me something to make me better?" I asked desperately wanting to avoid an needles at all costs.

He sighed, taking in my stressed appearance." Three days ago an anti- viral may have worked, but somebody decided to be a difficult patient," Shawn looked at me pointedly as we all laughed."but now," he continued "not so much. Even with the anti-viral your body would have struggled.  So now that the virus has taken hold your body really needs the extra help. Fluids included, " he explained, as Dave picked up the wipe from the metal bowl, wiping my hand down. I couldn't help the shudder that ran through my body, I had always hated the smell of hospital disinfect, and the sterilization wipes were no better.

"Sorry, he murdered as he finished, and chucked the wipe into the bin next to the bed. " Ready?" he asked, looking to me as he positioned my hand and opened the packet housing the needle.

" Do I really have to?" I asked, looking up at my brother, hoping he would help me out. Instead, he rubbed my back before agreeing with Dave.

"Sweetheart, you're in pain baby, this will help with it okay. It'll give you some relief,listen to me. Take a breath, listen to my voice.  'll sit up here and hold you. It'll be over in a second and then that's the worst over. Okay. Dave's a pro," he insisted,  gesturing for me to move over so he could hop up onto the bed. He smiled encouraging allowing me to snuggle in.

"Don't cry Princess, " Dave murmured,wiping softly at my face with a tissue to dry the tears that were now falling. "On three, " he warned, causing me to bury my head in Shawn's neck. "One, two, three," I felt the pinch, of it breaking my skin, but it was nowhere near what I had been expecting, and I found myself looking up in surprise.

"Not so bad right," Shawn laughed.

"The expectations are always worse than the reality," Dave added, as he attached the tubing,  and removed the tray from the bed. "You're all set little one, " he told me as he finished hookingme up to the fluids, and pain relief, before kissing my head.

For the next half an hour we sat in relative silence,  all exhausted given that it was still so early. Finally Connor got the call to say that they were ready for me at radiology, Dave offered to take me so the others could get food, and Shawn could sort my admission papers. At first I wasn't too happy at the idea, but when Dave promised that he wouldn't leave my side I relaxed, and let him transfer me to a wheel chair, leading me down the maze of corridors.

"D," I asked as we came to a stop outside a lift.

"Yes? " he asked, bending down so that he could hear me more easily.

"Why do Cheetahs have spots?"

He didn't answer me for a minute, but then he started laughing, "Oh my goodness, I think the pain relief is starting to take effect."

" I feel fine now." I shrugged as the doors opened and he wheeled me in, still chuckling.

"I bet you do Princess, I bet you do."

The x- rays were quick and easy, only taking about ten minutes, after which Dave took me straight back up to the room.

"Someone's pain meds have taken affect!" he announced as he stopped just inside the door, and helped me to my bed.

Brian looked up from where he was sitting on the small chair in the corner doing paperwork and smiled. " I can see that, her eyes are huge, how much did you give her?" he laughed, standing up,  and coming over to the side of the bed.

"What do you mean? " I asked as Brian pulled a light from his pocket.

"You're pupils, they're extremely dilated. "

"What are you doing?" Shawn asked as he and Connor walked in.

"She's high on pain meds," Dave explained with a chuckle. "We may as well do the exam now, while you're not in too much discomfort."

"Okay," Weirdly I didn't feel as nervous as I did before.

"Wow, those meds got you good baby, this is the most relaxed you've been in a medical setting,  ever!" Shawn laughed taking my hand as he stopped next to me. " I didn't know pain meds effected you like this."

"Alright " Dave tapped my leg bringing my attention back.  "I just want to check your heart and lungs first little lady, can you lean forward?" I nodded allowing him to do what he had to do. 

"There is some slight wheezing,  but other than that and the inflammation everything sounds perfect. " he smiled. "Your heart rate has come down too," he noted looking to the monitor.  "That's good! So what else besides your fever, and the chest pain are you feeling?"

"What?"

"What other symptoms do you have? " Connor clarified, standing next to Dave.

"Cough, runny nose, sore throat, chills, head aches, fatigue." I listed, laughing slightly when the guys mouths dropped a bit in shock.

"Why didn't you just let us help you?" Shawn asked, clearly exasperated.

I shrugged, "I don't know, I guess, I'd rather just deal with it on my own. Or that's what I did think until it started hurting," I whined,  "It feels like someone's stabbing me!"

"Let me have a look at your ears, nose and throat okay Princess," Dave spoke, ignoring the last bit of what I said. I was glad though because I just wanted to feel better. And the sooner he figured out what was wrong, the sooner he could make that happen.

"Well it's official Princess, you've got yourself a nasty case of the flu," he announced with what I thought was a rather unnecessary smile as he finished looking at my throat. "It's one of the worst ones I've seen in a while, I don't know how you're breathing through your nose, at all, or eating for that matter. Your throat is red."

"Yeah well, I'm not feeling that great right now,  trust me," I grumbled. "I just wish my chest would stop hurting.  "It stopped, and then it started again. "

"Radiology just sent through your scans, it's definitely pericarditis," Brian replied from the corner, causing me to groan.

"This sucks!" I whined, flopping back against the bed, "and it hurts."

"I know baby," Shawn spoke, clearly sympathetic.

"I'll put some more pain meds in your I.V okay,  it should help,  mbut really all we can do is relieve the pain, and keep you on bed rest until the virus runs it's course," he spoke gently as he readjusted the blankets for me, and put some more stuff in my I.V. "That should take too long to work. "

"Hop back in with me, I'm cold," I whined, pulling his arm so that he moved closer to the bed. I felt like all I was doing was whining,  but I just felt crappy.

"That'll be the fever, " Brian nodded. "You've had stuff for it though, so we just need to let it do it's thing. Provided it doesn't get too high, it actually helps your body get rid of the virus. "

"The beds barely big enough for one," Shawn laughed, still focused on me.

"I don't care," I whined continuing to pull at his arm.

"Fine,"  he sighed, hoping in next to me, and allowing me to curl up once more.

"So what have you learned from this whole thing?"  Shawn asked smirking from beside me as I struggled to keep my eyes open half an hour later.

I glared at him, causing all of them to laugh, "Go on, what have you learned?" he asked tickling my side.

" I don't know if I can say it, it hurts too much," I laughed, going along with the joke. He pouted.

"Hey no fair!" I argued, he knew that I couldn't resist it when he pouted, it had been that way since we were kids. "Fine, I should have listened to you, cause you know best," I grumbled, holding my chest as if I was wounded.

"Was that really so hard?" Connor laughed watching from where he was packing up excess wiring,  placing them back into their relevant draws.

"Yes, it was incredibly painful," I sassed back.

"Truth hurts princess!" Shawn laughed, pulling me into a hug.

"That it does," I agreed, resting my head on his shoulder again  and closing my eyes. Never again would I be so stubborn. But there was no need for them to know that, not yet anyway.