#i have the same taste as like a middle aged gay guy but i'm a girl

[hitor1bocch1]

"the sopranos doesn't have hot people" if you are a middle-aged/old man lover like moi this is the most sexy and beautiful show to ever exist. i in fact have a ranking of the whole dimeo family.

[bojanus]

The Touch of the Sea reviews

My roommate snagged me a short story anthology that she called "A collection of gay mermaid erotica." Say no more. Turns out most the stories were NOT erotic (most made some reference to sex but some were only a few lines or fade to black) but there was plenty else to enjoy in this anthology edited by Steve Berman. Individual story thoughts below the read more.

Time and Tide by 'Nathan Burgoine

A man returns to his hometown for his father's funeral, and has to confront his ex he left behind when he originally left and his own heritage/powers. This one was super sweet, I found it nicely grounded and healing in a "returning to the hometown and finding peace" way. The ending brought a little tear to my eye. The powers/gifts were somewhat underexplored, but that makes sense for a short story.

The Calm Tonight by Matthew A. Merendo

Sea men go up to land every 200 years to choose a mate, and always bring back a woman who magically is able to live underwater with them thanks to magic. Our main character, however, falls in love with a man, and is hesitant because the magic may not protect his love the same way, and so he must choose between the sea and his love. Made me somewhat sad, but I'm staying hopeful despite all the evidence otherwise. I choose to believe they got their happy ending.

The Bloated Woman by Jonathan Harper

Not a fan. A man stays by the shore to help take care of his aging professor, has a tryst with a married man, and runs into a random woman's body on the beach. Just kind of felt like "Ooh sad/brutal things happen". The narrator also spoke about others in a mean way sometimes that I'm not sure if it was intentional characterization or just the author kind of being a dick. The mystery aspect was intriguing but didn't really have a satisfying payoff for me.

The Stone of Sacrifice by Jeff Mann

This was a breath of fresh air, especially the first half where a man just finds this random cute guy swimming in the middle of a storm. I will say the Scottish accent of the sea-guy was something I'm not used to reading and it made for a bit of a silly contrast for me during the heavier erotic sections... but I was delighted the whole time. The ending got a lil worrisome, but overall I'm a fan.

Air Tears by Damon Shaw

After a kiss, the main character finds himself unable to breath air but able to breath underwater. Short, and I think that fit as the compelling part of it was the snapshot concept of a man underwater, crying tears of air that bubble up to the surface.

The Grief of the Seagulls by Joel Lane

A man recalls how his lover died thanks to corporate greed for oil along the shore. Sad but poignant, the corporate greed destroying safety felt all-too-familiar, but at least in this story there is a little closure given for the grief. A really thoughtful work.

Ban's Dream of the Sea by Alex Jeffers

People who colonized an abandoned island full of architecture have been having sexy dreams and disappearing. I enjoyed the relationship between the two main men in this, the descriptions of architecture (and the use of the tower near the end) I think would appeal to anyone who loves buildings and such but otherwise... the racism I think was intended to be period accurate, but there were various lines about how "savages couldn't have made architecture that advanced/organized/beautiful"... which again we are in the POV of the colonists for that line so it makes sense they say that, but there was so little depth or acknowledgement of the natives culture (or like, what IS the natives architecture then?? If it's not that?) and the randomly tossed in bonds(wo)men just felt like turning a whole group of people into set dressing... It left a bad taste in my mouth that the cool magic concept couldn't quite overpower. Lovecraftian in many ways.

Night of the Sea Beast by Brandon Cracraft

A delightful romp through the making of a monster movie in the McCarthy era with cultural hysteria around homosexuality stoked high... but more importantly, someone or something keeps killing the lead actress of this monster movie. This story was by far the most fun, somewhat silly at times but with a nice core concept and in the spirit of a B-movie horror film. There was also a really strong theme of community, not just among queer folks but also among allies who love them; people continually showed up and helped each other throughout and the very ending scene was so sweet. The exposition was a little heavy-handed at times (everyone's always dropping their relevant backstory notes at the drop of a hat), but I think that's in the nature of the short story (this was among the longer in this anthology, but I would gladly read a longer version with more time spent with the characters and the twists and turns of the mystery).

Wave Boys by Vincent Kovar

This story follows the Wave Boys, a specific sea-faring group among many others that all have their own traditions and cultures. Seeing the Wave Boys traditions, those of other groups, and the larger culture surrounding all of them was interesting and well constructed. Fun with really interesting/engaging cultural worldbuilding, though I got confused at times trying to keep track and figure out what everything was. I especially enjoyed the traditions around storytelling.

Out to Sea by John Howard

One of the more happy stories, where a guy just decides to go and visit some islands he has been interested in for a long time. Didn't particularly stick with me, but was a nice change of pace from some of the sadder/ambiguous stories.

Keep the Aspidochelone Floating by Chaz Brenchley

A vessel gets hijacked by the pirate queen, and a particularly famous sailor decides to join the pirates as a cook. He ends up in a romance with a cute young guy, and there's various shenanigans along the way, including some whaling. If you like Moby Dick then you'll probably enjoy this one. The characters were all strong, especially the pirate queen who I adored. I wish everyone could have had a happy ending, but overall I think the final scene was wonderfully dramatic and full of action and twists. Plus the love interest was adorable.

Overall

I'm not an experienced short story reader, like I don't really do anthologies, so I think it was challenging for me to read stories where there wasn't a lot of time to get into the characters and plots. Plus there were a lot of sad/ambiguous endings, which I generally avoid... but I'm glad I read through and tasted some new things and stuff that's interesting to check out but I might not want a whole book about. My top four were: Night of the Sea Beast, The Stone of Sacrifice, Time and Tide, and Keep the Aspidochelone.

[medali-meltdown]

So I'm not interested in playing SV, but I have been highly invested in the leaks. Ranking the Paldea League under the cut:

Katy: She's cute. CUTE! Love a female bug-type expert, an older one, even. A katydid X3 She's a chef too? Just like me fr

Brassius: What is even UP with this guy, like seriously, what is his deal

Iono: They're trying way too hard with her, pass

Kofu: He seems like a bro. What's with his apron? Is he a smith?

Larry: Haha wtf. I've developed a taste for tired middle-aged men thanks to Golden Kamuy, so I was almost ready to husbando him. Almost.

Ryme: Middle-aged rapper still in the game? Respect. I like her green eyes and matching nails. Terrible name tho

Tulip: Beautiful, a queen. A psychic-type queen?

Grusha: We've known about him and his pretty hidden face for awhile. Is he mysterious? Shy? Ice-type strongest leader? Good, good

Rika: INSTANT WIFE 😍😍😍 Slender tomboy with a sharp outfit and snarky attitude — as pointed out by her fellow Elite — and a cute name. And a ground-type master — one of my favorite types for gameplay and from writing about Auntie Bertha. My gay heart can't take it. I love her to the exclusion of all else. Not playing but I will find and consume every ounce of Rika content. My life is now in her gloved hands. Good thing I do not have a real girlfriend or she would be extremely jealous (haha... ha.........)

Poppy: This gen's obligatory child prodigy is a steel-type Elite in preschool? Good lord.

Larry: It's me, Larry. I can only hear Brian Posehn's voice coming out of this guy.

Hassel: He looks intense and like he stepped straight out of Hogwarts. I think Rika picks on him a lot.

All of the Elite Four wear kind of drab-colored suits (at least, according to complaints. I kind of like them, they're low-key and still stylish, compared to the loud fashion from Iono and Team Star leaders). And they all wear leather gloves. I thought it was just a Rika thing, but no. Larry put on his gloves and joined the Elites.

Geeta: I like her design? Give me more ladies in suits please?? Also haha, not the robot.

Actual graphics: Bad. Everyone looks plastic. Awful hair. Overboard on clothing textures. Nice concepts, terrible execution. I lmao'd at some webms going around of giant levitating Golduck (where'd he go??). What a shitshow.

Paldea mons: I legit don't like any of them. Maybe Sprigatito line but Meowscarada is too furbait for me. I've had the same reaction for every gen since 5 — there's a few that stand out as good, when I played each game I warmed up to a few more. But the bad has outweighed the good more and more each time until now it's just... unrecognizable as Pokemon, and I don't want to waste the money nor time.

It's pretty bad when I'm more excited about Pokemon's human designs over the monster ones. I guess I'm still attached and sentimental over my old favorite IP, enough that I'd actually write this cringe-ass post.

[maneaterwithtail]

I Yeah I understand that say for the shipping where she deliberately left things ambiguous for falling to go find herself and maybe someday come back to whatever she wants

The same as if say if people insisted on interpreting as gay/queer. something that I definitely understand choosing (she calls him ojy as maternal and paternal) but her not wanting that to be a point of comparison ( His story is not that of gay man's life or representation just may be applicable or in resonance with)

Her entire spiel on fan service for instance I think kind of put a pin in the balloon that was this is some sort of culture war artifact. namely more than a few Genuinely thought it was a statement that there was more man service through the dwarf than there was through the female elf. There are memes.

The idea that it was more an.exploration of character or at least that's what she wanted to emphasize - at least in this interview -

is I think pretty critical

At the very least I can agree that that's what gives it its appeal an interest

Bodies and sexualities are extensions of the characters just as much a part of them as their greed or their taste in food

Having worked and grown up primarily shirtless in a climate controlled environment with a low clothing excess body shamed culture shortly after being orphaned along with you know being a hermit and deeply traumatized

Our cooking dwarf doesn't have quite the same sense of body shame and fashion consciousness.

Well I'm not sure how we're supposed to interpret a non romantic take on some of Marcell's feelings towards following the idea that the relationship between the marcille and fallin must end in romantic union I order to complete character arc or else something's wrong or missing is a bit off

Her feelings are no more or less valid than toshiro's. which I think is kind of where people don't understand why they really want to update how they discourse with Romantic supplots and character relationships

But when it comes to autistic lios...

I got to admit a lot of this is being inducted in terms of others reasoning ...

but everything that I've seen in terms of in series and in spoilers indicates that this is a guy who thinks and processes things differently and that difference is a major point of contention interests and influence in his life

From being targeted by the big bad of the entire series to his origins to how he relates to everyone around him. It's his talent.

Much like I can see middle-aged man who lives alone and does not take care or care about how he exposes himself goes into the development into the various characteristics of the dwarf. I would assume someone who would be neuro a typical or neuro a typical experiences or people would be an influence in Laios

Just like I could imagine being constantly to 1° or another infantized by those around you. something that either as a shorter/flatter Japanese person or just a young looking person or just a young girl who developed differently Or any number of reasons could be something that would inspire her take on chilchuck.

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hey! Same anon here that asked about good Malec AU's. I read the ones you recommended and they were good, thank you. I think your taste on fanfics is great and I'd be really happy if you sent some other good AU's my way. Also, I liked Lonely Hearts Hotline the best, I'm down for forbidden love/age difference/classism. All my best wishes, ly 💙💙

Hello, ly!

I am glad you enjoyed them. Lonely Hearts Hotline is indeed a masterpiece. I think I have read it more than a couple of hundred times. Although, I have not read many fics with age difference, I too am a sucker for forbidden love stories and a little bit of classism. Here are some recs that you might enjoy. Happy reading :)

The Answer Is "No" (But Baby, It's Cold Outside) - la_muerta

It's Christmas Eve, but instead of being home with his siblings watching cheesy television and eating pizza, Alec Lightwood is stuck in a small town in the middle of nowhere because of a snow storm. Worse, he's going to have to share a room at an over-priced B&B with his sister's annoying boss, Magnus Bane. They'll be lucky if this Christmas doesn't end in bloodshed.

This is a really cute enemies to lovers fic. I am always here for a good ‘fuck you’ to ‘fuck you’ fic.

The Shop Around the Corner - DownworldShadow

After a sudden and tragic accident Alec Lightwood unexpectedly finds himself the reluctant owner of a New York City bookshop. Working alongside his best friend Maia Roberts, the two are committed to keeping the doors open despite the steady decline of small family-owned businesses in the area. They manage to keep the store afloat for several years, until a high-profile real estate developer named Magnus Bane has other plans for the neighborhood.

Again, malec getting off on the wrong foot and then slowly getting to know each other? Love at first sight? Hate at second sight? Gimme that shit!!

The Language of Flowers - astudyinfic

Following the loss of his brother, florist Alec Lightwood wants to do something to remember him by. Enter tattoo artist Magnus Bane who brings beauty and love into his life. What starts as a one-time thing blooms into an expression of love for all the important people in Alec's life.

It’s a florist au - which I really like. A lot of symbolism and chaotic gay mess Alec in this. Also, we get Alec + Clary brotp!!!

What's It Gonna Be - lemonoclefox

Fairchild’s bakery is a second home to not just Magnus, but also to most of his found-family. As a pastry chef, he works long hours and takes great pride in his craft – so much so that he has little time or attention for much else. Least of all romance. After plenty of experience with heartbreak and disappointment, he has come to expect the worst from anything in that department, and the arrival of the wealthy Lightwoods in the neighborhood isn’t about to change that. Especially not when their eldest son might just be the most insufferable prick Magnus has ever met, no matter what anyone else has to say about the guy.

This bakery au loosely follows the plot of Pride and Prejudice. I love the enemies to lovers and classism aspect in this fic. It is so very well written and the characterisation is spot on! 

Knives at the Ready - harrysglasses

The Institute is New York City's finest dining establishment, winner of two Michelin Stars and currently chasing after its third. Head Chef Alec Lightwood is notorious for running a tight ship in his kitchen, but everything is about to change with the arrival of their newest recruit, renowned pastry chef Magnus Bane.

It’s a restaurant au with angst and fluff!! There is a lot of pining, gay messing and team bonding moments. Also, lots of food mentions!!

[the-mf-bread-babies]

loneliness </\///\|/3

a fic by rocco wulfram north, m.d.

(found that name on hardcore baby names)

–chmapter jop–

before the tríp

It was a normal day for the Skullsmashers: go to somewhere, kill people, be gay, sleep, get brunch. Right now was the first part of their daily routine, and they were getting ready for it.

“holy fuck nova could you hurry the shit up i have to brush my fucking teeth you bitch” Ace hissed, knocking repeatedly on the bathroom door. “Fuck You. I'm Going To Go To Hell Itself” Nova gargled back, mouth full of mouthwash. More banging was heard; the door had seen better days.

Several feet away was Jake, all dressed up and ready to go, waiting for the others to get ready. He sat on the couch gayly in the living room down the hall, scrolling through Apocalypse Twitter. ‘every day i throw down an unpeeled boiled egg from the rooftop to simulate fear and unreadiness’ he read, a tweet from Orc's account. What the fuck. Classic Orc.

“ah fuck !! am i late !!” Jake turned around to see Damon panicking and counting the daggers in his pockets. “no no not at all. i just get ready really quickly to throw everyone into a state of disarray” Jake replied in an honest, monotone voice. “come sit down”

Damon sat down nervously next to his captain, knowing he'll ask him for Bambi on the PS2 now. “look. look at them those dumbshits” Jake uttered, pointing to Ace and Nova arguing. “those little bastards are completely unaware that ive put a fake cockroach puppet in the mirror. watch now” he added, pulling out a cheap remote control and pressing a button.

*sound of glass breaking* Jake sighed. “okay maybe that wasn't really the best idea” Nova screamed, running out of the bathroom and confusing Ace. “Fucking Roach!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she yelled, already too far away from them to be heard clearly. “huh. well okay then!” Ace grinned, going into the bathroom.

“i'll guard. you do your thing okay? :-)” Damon said to Jake, smiling mischievously. Jake's heart skipped a beat as he was suddenly flustered by the killer's action. «oh god, shit's just gonna get more complicated from here» he thought, staring into nothingness.

Damon braced himself against the bathroom door, eager to hear Ace's chaotic screaming. “ready ??” Damon asked, sending Jake back to the real world. “hhuh??????? oh yea right” he mumbled before beginning to control the cockroach with the remote. “this shit cost me like 200 bucks so it better be worth it”

HOLY MOTHER OF

F U C K

JAKE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

WHAT THE S H IT DUDE

ace will remember this.

Jake cackled loudly, rolling on the floor and hitting the table with his fist. “LMAOOOOK FUCK YOUUU” he yelled, angering Ace even more. “I WILL GODDAMN SKIN UOUR FUCKIGN ISTINEDSTINES OLD MAN I SWEAR TKC FUCKF” they yelled back, pushing the door repeatedly. “IM GOIND TO FUCKIGN DIR HERE YOU BITCH”

“ah . ace ? could you move a little please ? i'm trying to get in ?” Damon said annoyingly kindly, making Ace jab a fake knife through the space between the door and the doorway. “THIS IS THE BEST FUCKIGN KNIFE I HAVE ON ME RIGT NOW BUT PLEADR JSUT FUCK O F F”

“hm ... i'll have to check in with the blacksmith today to know what this one's worth... possibly rusted here, though.... could also just be dirt tho.....” Damon mumbled, examining the knife. “FUCKING HEL P” Ace yelled in distress, his breath seeping through the door. “ace. brush your fucking teeth that's disgusting.”

“IM FUCKIF D TRYINF THERES JUST A FUCKGIFN ROSCH HEREERF” Ace explained fearfully, trying their best to get some pity from the other. “a what ?? don't think we have those here” “A FUCKIFN COKROSKC” “corrosion ???? how bad” “FUCK YOU A GODDMAND COKCROACH” “girls?? what?? are they milfs??” “HOW THEE DFUCKDB DID YEOU HEAR FTHAY WHATS DUCUNESKRHI”

Jake's hand slapped against Damon's shoulder as a way of saying thanks. “good work out there soldier. us skullsmashers really need someone like you damon” He said confidently, disguising his flirting as a compliment. “cool !! you too man !!” The shorter man replied, completely unaware of the flirting and continuing to yearn for the mutual love between him and Jake. fuckin idiots lmao

“alrighty fuckers, let's move!”

Rachel's voice sent Ace and Nova into a panic, making them scram to look for their weapons and equipment. “Got everything ya need? W'ain't makin' any stops; tryin'a save fuel.” Shaw asked, leaning against the wall at the entrance menacingly. “When the fuck did you even come here.” Dennis asked in surprise, carrying suitcases. “Hmph. Man never tells his secrets, young man.” She replied, tilting her cowboy hat. “What…”

Aaron was sitting peacefully in the trunk of a pickup truck they had, only to be met by a large backpack to the face. “ah!!!!!!!! very sorry!!!!!!! we'll be going in separate vehicles, and trunk space is very much needed!!!!!!!!” Whitney said, apologizing. “Ah. Well. O-okay then.” Aaron stuttered out, holding back tears from the painful impact the backpack had. Pretty sure he'll get a bruise from that.

Henderson and Rachel were waiting in the front seats of yet another pickup truck. To pass the time, they took very cringey pictures of each other pretending to be on Cowboy TikTok™. “Do one where you're pregnant with the truck's baby!” Henderson suggested, making Rachel flip the bird at her but begrudgingly agreeing with her stupid idea. “i literally would skin you alive.” She spat out, putting a pumpkin inside her shirt. “That's… literally so sexy, babe.” Henderson replied back, taking more pictures.

Meanwhile, Andre was busy explaining to Cyprus, who was in a small glass jar, that forcibly entering Damon's bloodstream and mutilating his entire body was not very nice, with Orc and Sarah judging. “YES BUT UNLIMITED POWER COULD BE RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ANDRE” “That'd very mean of you to do, and could actually probably kill you too in the process.” he explained to deaf ears. Well, technically no ears. Yet. “CYPRUS I KNOW IT SOUNDS STUPID BUT YOU COULD LITERALLY DO THE SAME BUT LIKE IN AN ELEPHANTS BODY DUDE” Orc suggested, only to be ignored. “cmon cyprus just pleaaaaase dont kill ppl ok”

Jake looked outside, then back at Damon. “well guess its time to move!” “yea ... but at what cost.” Damon replied confusingly, making a sad face. “did you know today is…” he started, then regretted saying anything. “nvm…” He turned away from the punk, sniffling and walking to Dennis and Aaron.

“damon” “??” Jake asked quietly, craning his neck a little before making the decision to leave the new recruit alone. Instead, he joined Henderson and Rachel in their odd activities.

“hey guys. i fucking miss sans.” Damon confessed, taking a seat next to Dennis. “My nose is bleeding.” Aaron pointed out. “ok. today's sunday. and you Know what That Means… Meant,” The boy continued, facing the ground. “Kanye West he…” Dennis began (begun???? idk). “… liked.” Aaron continued, also affected emotionally by the departure of not only Sans, but Komaeda too.

Jake stared longingly at the family, wishing he was a part of it too. He truly felt Ariel Little Mermaid's desire to become human. Seven Vagánias… that was a risk he was willing to take for him. He would shave his eyebrows off for that man, and he just might do it right now.

“Jake? Don't do that. Please don't fucking do that.” Henderson suddenly interrupted, surprising Jake. “do what” Henderson squinted her eyes, giving Jake a suspicious look. “That's the face you make when you want to do silly things…” She pointed out.

“You had that when you almost electrocuted yourself at that stable, you had that when you threw the dart at Scoran, you had that when you glued Marcus and Reese–” “OKAY OKAY I GET IT IM A DUMMY SILLY LITTLE BITCH BOY OK”

Rachel put the pumpkin back on the ground and went to the two friends, curious to know what the quarrel was about. “what's poppin gayboy!” She loudly asked, slapping Jake's forearm strongly. “i am in peril and shaking and crying” “daddy issues” “yget?” He explained, gesturing towards the Russells.

“ah. please clarify what kind.” Rachel said, knowing Jake has a very questionable taste for fictional middle-aged men, such as Sigma Overwatch and the guy from the cowboy game. “the fuckin. family one rachel” “look at em just vibing and simply being gay”

Rachel and Henderson gave eachother a look that questioned whether Damon and Jake were going to be a thing or not, since Jake's technically still with Andre. “Considering the fact that they adopted Damon, they could probably also adopt you if you wanted to.” Henderson suggested, knowing Jake wouldn't like this and would stupidly unknowingly accidentally confess his love for Damon to them both right then and there.

“what?????” “ew no thatd be fuckin incest or some shit what the fuck” Jake said, being grossed out. “what would be the incestuous part, jacon. we did not say or hint at anything related to incest.” Rachel asked, making Jake's hair stand up in panic. “fuCKIN NOTHING DUH” “BUT LIKE YKNOW I GET CRUSHES REALLY EASILY YEA??????” Jake explained weirdly.

“So there's a new one right now, huh…” Henderson asked… feeling like she was in Ace Attorney. “no!!!! no wait” “well yea– no.. but i–” “fuck You but yes” Jake grumbled. “ah no, we won't tell, obviously. it was just getting way too obvious, so we just wanted to hear it from both sides.” “WH” Rachel said mysteriously, getting into the driver's seat of the pickup truck. “okay guys let's go!!” She yelled out, starting the engine. “THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??????” “BOTH SIDES???”

chapter dos

two four trucks

The journey to god knows fuckin where idk didn't plan i guess a fuckin cabin or smth idk was long and torturous, especially when Rachel said that cryptic-ass thing before going. What the fuck was that supposed to mean, bro.

sudden interlude for seating arrangements !!

truck 1: Henderson, rachel, whitney, CYPRUS

truck 2: jake, damon, marge, Andre, Aaron

truck 3: ace, Nova, Dennis

truck 4: sarah, ORC, Shaw, viper

truck two.

Jake awkwardly patted Marge's head in the backseat of the truck, avoiding eye contact with Damon and Andre. Of course he had to go on a three-day trip in the same car with his ex, his crush, AND his crush's father. God, he was pretty sure this was the lab rats' doing.

“cows.” Damon pointed outside, earning Andre's attention. “Holy– what are those?” He asked, taking his sunglasses off to admire the beautiful little cows. “Cows… we drink their milk and wear their skin as jackets…” Aaron explained, his eyes drifting from the road momentarily. “They can have best friends and stuff. Really nice guys. Also, they're expensive as hell.”

“Y–You do what. Their skin??” Andre asked, his voice a pitch higher than usual. “yeah and we rate them based on which layer it is. also, like their meat, expensive as hell. but still very cool.” Damon said, confusing Andre even more. “they also give us cheese and ice cream and whipped cream and stuff. underrated little babies. they deserve better.” “they also have nose rings which are punk as hell–”

“Wait, why the nose– cheese?! Cheese?! AND ice cream??!” Andre asked again, his mind attempting to comprehend the greatness that cows are. “Oh man, you are not ready to hear about pigs.” Aaron said jokingly. “What the fuck are pigs???” “Sausages, ham slices, bacon, lard, leather too, rotisserie–” “aaron please i'm gonna throw up.” “Oh, right. Sorry,”

Jake sat quietly in his seat, just now realising how much of his world Andre's missing. Sure, his world was much cooler, but do they have sheep? Palm trees? Penguins? Thought not, bitch. “andre do you know what a kangaroo is” He asked, breaking his silence like that one YouTuber.

“A what?” “kangaroo. some of them are buff as shit and they move by hopping. they cant hop backwards and they also keep their babies in little pouches attached to them and their bones and guts are exposed on the inside of said pouch. baby kangaroos are about the size of a jellybean, and the adults can box you”

“They what” “yea they're weird as fuck.” “its from australia so” “That sounds fake.” “oh man. wombats bro. quokkas. fuckin drop bears and flying foxes. PLATYPUSES!!!” “wombats poop in cubes and quokkas are always smiling” “Koala bears hold onto tree branches and eat their mom's shit, which is the leaves of said tree branches.” “Please stop what the fuck” “ohoho fucking GEESE” “GET IM JAKE MY NEIGHBOR HAD FUCKIN THREE OF THOSE BITCHES”

truck three.

The three sat silently, with the exception of Dennis, who was swearing at random times. “You call that a fuckin’ turn, old man?! HUH?!!” Ace's shoulders jumped, the sudden exclamations preventing them from sleeping through the trip. “This Is Probably The Last Time We'll See Each Other Alive.” Nova stated calmly. “i slept for like two minutes last night… didn't even get to wear conditioner today. unrelated but just sharing my struggles with you.” Ace said, shifting into a more comfortable sleeping position.

Dennis overheard the two talking, and opted to stay quiet for the rest of the trip, before stumbling across a strange sight. “FROG!!!” he yelled, waking up the duo. “he said fuck! he said the f” Ace yelled out while rubbing their eyes. “Are We Aliven't” Nova asked, stretching. “Sadly, no, but the good news is, I found a frog!” Dennis excitedly said, opening the car door.

“WHAT” “THAT SHITS GONNA POISON US WHAT THE FUCK” Nova yelled out, unfortunately not loud enough for Dennis to hear it. The man kept walking towards the creature that was technically an alien to them, and picked it up with watery hands. “DENNIS YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING KILL US ALL!!!!!!! DENNIS!!!!!!”

“So, you kids know how to handle a frog?” Dennis asked in a wholesome tone, alerting the two even more. “KILL IT KILL IT FUCKING KILL IT” “Oh, are you guys allergic to this little guy? Sorry, I'll put it in the dashboard instead.” “GET ITBOUT WHAT THE FUCK DENNID JESUS” “… Huh?” “POSIOJ DART FOGR” Nova shouted, hiding behind the passenger seat and being pushed by Ace, who was also going to hide there. “BITCH”

Dennis and the frog stared at them in confusion, hearing their horrified screams. “This is… a wood frog… not a poison dart… that one would probably die in this climate…” he explained plainly, his hands gently cupping the newfound friend. “oh. ok” Ace muttered quietly, while Nova maintained an awkward silence. “You can… pat them very softly if you want.” Dennis suggested. “Or spray the shit outta them. That could work too.”

Nova nervously held out her hand to pat the frog, then smiled in succeeding to do so. “Death Quivers Before Me” She said, proceeding to pat it even more. “can i do the spray thing.” Ace asked, their voice quiet as a whisper. “Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.”

*the frog was going to die so technically they didnt like fuck up the ecosystem or smth. do not attempt this irl.

truck four.

“What jolly tunes d'ya have on this here truck. Fellas.” Shaw asked, observing the radio. “uh, really, i don't think it'll be necessary!!!!!” Viper nervously said, only to be ignored. “NONSENSE! ONE'S TASTE IN SHANTIES PROVES TO BE A WINDOW INTO THEIR LIVES.” Orc said wisely, patting them on the shoulder. “i guess that's good advice, but really–”

TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX. TWO TRUCKS HAVING SEX. MY MUSCLES. MY MUSCLES. INVOLUNTARILY FLEX.

“I SEE. A MATING SONG FOR YOUR SPECIES?” “my truck f### playlist,.,.,.” Viper tried to mute the speaker to no avail as most of the buttons on the control panel were very much broken. “I'm. Very sorry for this, pardner. But this doesn't sound so bad. I could put this in a jukebox…” Shaw consoled, only making them panic more. “im so f#ckig sorry” They said, before smashing the radio with a briefcase.

They all paused for a moment, unsure of what to do. “i have spotify…” Sarah croaked, holding up her phone. “they have lemon demon too, if you want…” She muttered, scrolling through the song choices. “does anyone want to listen to wet a–” “no.” “okay.”

The truck grew even quieter for a while, until Shaw gave a suggestion to pass the time. “Wanna play 20 questions?” “I'll start: how many folks have y'all killed?” Viper gave the assassin a horrified look, confusing her. “I think mine's around 150. No… 145…” She confessed, rubbing her chin. “Wait, or was it 160?”

“like six. do you like girls, and, follow up question, do you also coincidentally like short girls with long hair.” Sarah said without hesitation, stopping Orc from answering the first question. “Yes! I literally have a wife!” Shaw shouted happily, rolling up her sleeves to show Sarah her tattoos. “This one is her setting herself on fire and me getting inspired–” “ah, yes–” “That one was a total cover-up! Previously, it was the names of my exes, all thirteen of them, but now, it's my cat!”

After some time of receiving a bit too much RexShaw lore, Sarah finally got the answer she so desperately needed from Viper. This was the verdict that determines whether she could make a move or not. This answer could change– “i am gay and do not get attracted to women. thank you.” Ah. Back to more hunting. “I am a lesbian! High-five!” Shaw exclaimed.

And finally, the first truck.

truck one.

Loud country music blared in the truck as they drove by the snowy mountains of uhh. Winsnow. Like winter and snow. They had all chosen separate routes in order to cover more land and see if there were any new developments in the area.

“BRANDY!!! FETCH ANOTHER ROUNF!!!!!!” Rachel screeched as she drummed on the dashboard. “AND SHE FJSJS” Henderson kept driving, searching every inch of land for a rest stop to stretch her legs and also listen to something else.

“hendy.” Rachel said, getting her girlfriend's attention. “do you wanna buy that slime that cleans cars and stuff?” Henderson stared into the distance, pondering. “Hm. There's always the possibility of the slime disappearing under mysterious circumstances and turning up in the trash can the next day covered in saliva, so.” Whitney looked away, feeling attacked.

“yeah, that's a problem.” Rachel muttered, her hand instinctually moving to Henderson's. “Please don't crash the car.” She begged, looking sadly at her. “is there a domino's nearby. i heard they have that new peanut butter chocolate lava cake.” Rachel asked, cupping Henderson's face gently.

“Rachel. There's fucking mountains.” Henderson pointed out, gesturing towards their surroundings. “That shit will freeze.” Rachel put her head down in disappointment. “yeah. damn.” “MORE FLESH!!! MORE FLESH!!! MORE FUCKING FLESH!!!”

Oh yeah, Cyprus was here the whole time. “why does the metal say fuck?????” And Whitney too! “MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS. FLESH NEEDED!” Cyprus yelled out, resembling a hungry toddler on a road trip.

“do you want like a burger or something......” Whitney asked, judging the spirit. “FLESH” “like are you more of a kfc or a mcdonalds guy” “NEED FLESH” She gave the couple a look, one that was kind of undecipherable due to her lack of normal face details like eyebrows, visible pupils, etc.

“So, three peanut butter lava cakes and one meat lover's… what else?” “ah!!!!!! no lava cake for me, i'm on a diet!!!!!! dirt and dirt only!!!!!!!!!!! also fish bones as a treat” Whitney corrected, her eyes searching for a nearby body of water. “Or, we could get Cyprus the fish meat, and Whitney the bones.” “sounds good to me!!!!!!!!” “FLESH”

…

“welcome to domino's! can i get your order?”

“three peanut butter lava cakes, please. that's all. thank you.” Rachel said, her seat switched with Henderson's, who was too nervous to order. “okay but they each take like three hours to make” “what.” “yea you can stop by like the grocery store up ahead” “fuck you for ordering this” “i–” “fuck off”

the grocewy stowe

The truck stopped by the front of the building, Rachel telling them to go in first while she searches for a good parking spot. Much to Henderson's disappointment.

“My lover…” Henderson said with fear in her voice. “it's okay… go along… i… i have to do this for you…” “for you all… i won't forget the good that you've done to me and everyone i've ever known…” “Rach, please don't go, I lo–” “you all are the kindest people… heaven may wait eagerly for you, but as for me, the ground trembles for its latest meal. fresh from the oven, i will enter the furnace…” “why the fuck would they cook you again” “because i'm TOAST!!” “haha”

“Kill Ronald Reagan while you're at it… I forgot which one he is but I'm pretty sure he's a total bitch…” “i will meet you doomguy” “heeeeeeeh” Rachel whined weakly as she slowly drove over to the spot she wanted.

MOTHERFUCKER.

A silver Honda Civic quickly made its way into there, angering the scientist. “not on my watch, fucker.” Rachel muttered, sliding the pickup truck across the road. She slammed her palm onto the car horn, which terrified even a murder of crows.

“huh wonder who that is” “hm anyway which fish do u like ???? :-)”

A woman who seemed to be in her late 40s exited the Honda Civic, throwing a rather large and flashy boa around her neck. “Jesús, ít's cold in hère,” The lady commented, putting on a pair of expensive-looking sunglasses. “Márie, come along, ma cheghhy!” (i forgot how to spell it)

oh, son of a B I T C H .

it's the french lady who smells weird.

Of course, seeing your enemy in any circumstance that wasn't planned was clearly a little scary and will probably be your last day alive, but bumping into them at a Target was kinda… awkward.

Both the hazelnut and the dolphin were less armed and armoured than usual, and there weren't any bodyguards or security. Usually, if a top leader goes anywhere, the standard protocol was to do thirty separate background checks on the location and have it guarded up somewhere in the three months before their arrival.

So, obviously, someone in Top 50 driving around town in a decades-old car buying groceries isn't very safe, or probably even legal. Hell, she hasn't even seen them wear anything this ridiculous ever. Could this be a distraction? Or is it an opportunity?

Ah, wait, they're both wearing their stupid little marriage bracelets.

It's the middle of October.

This is their anniversary vacation.

Shit.

in the store

Henderson strolled through the aisles with Whitney at her side, hugging Cyprus's jar. She examined the cereal boxes to make sure they didn't contain any food colouring that could potentially kill her.

Whitney, on the other hand, zoomed over to the meat section, licking her lips at the sight of a raw cod. “cyprus…… do you feel that? the need to devour a being???? the uncontrollable desire for energy that it transcends all laws and regulations placed on mankind?????? the growing hunger for power, one that's so strong it controls your every need????

a natural, primal instinct to become such a brutal being that no one, not even you, recognise yourself anymore. you look at yourself in the mirror and you feel like you want to destroy that, to put yourself onto the pedestal you belong on, to wreak havoc on the cosmos of all beings, living and dead, real and mythical, walking and extinct.

you know that you're the only who understands this instinct, the only one who follows it to this distance. everyone else may underestimate you, but in the end, you'll rise above them all. man's natural instinct is to become the ruler of all.”

“What the fuck, Whitney. Anyway, I talked to the deli guy and he said he could pay you to eat up some scraps if you want. You down?” Henderson asked, her trolley already full of snacks. “yea fuck it man” Whitney replied, walking over to the ‘staff only’ door. “im hungy as fuck”

parking lot.

Despite the growing need to kill the woman, Rachel was managing to control herself. Even though this was the perfect opportunity to eliminate one of them, she knows she'll be replaced by someone much crueler. So for now, she'll just stick to watching this lady consider which can of tomato sauce is better than the other.

Rachel parked the truck near the entrance and the Honda Civic. She kept an eye on the couple as she quietly made her way inside through the back door.

“So thàt's when Í saìd, ‘that's not a cactùs, that's a lámp!” Karén playfully said, her hand entwined with her wife's. Rachel was unsure whether to stalk the two or join her friends in shopping.

WELL, FIND THAT OUT IN THE NEXT PART,

B I T C H !! !! !!