#i have never felt dread like i feel now i'm the optimistic one and i'm sobbing bc i can't see a way out

[deplcythebattery]

vent tags

[diorsdolliest]

𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐒; min ho

summary: y/n is heartbroken after being stood up on valentine’s day, but when min ho confesses his feelings, she begins to question everything she thought she knew about him—and herself.

warnings: N/A

word count: 2798

VALENTINE’S DAY WAS THE WORST !

every year, you swore it wouldn't bother you.

and every year, you watched your friends get grand gestures, love confessions, and sweet surprises while you got... nothing.

you saw it in the way yuri's eyes lit up when juliana asked her to be her valentine, the way they looked at each other like the rest of the world didn't exist.

you wanted that.

no—you needed it.

too bad you didn't have a boyfriend. or anyone remotely interested in you.

and as if that wasn't bad enough, kitty refused to let it go.

"kitty, just face it—i'm never getting a valentine. i've accepted it, why can't you?" you sighed dramatically, flopping onto the couch.

kitty, ever the optimist, shook her head. "i'm a matchmaker, y/n! someone out there would be so lucky to have you."

before you could respond, the dorm door swung open.

and, of course, it had to be him.

min ho.

he took one look at you and scoffed. "do you have to be here?" his accent curled around each syllable, laced with irritation.

you rolled your eyes. "yes, i do. if you have a problem with it—frankly, i don't care."

his jaw ticked. "shocking."

"god, you are so insufferable," you shot back, shifting to face kitty instead. "anyway, what's your plan for valentine's?"

at the mention of it, kitty's expression faltered. "nothing, i guess. dae hasn't asked me or anything yet."

you gasped. "excuse me?"

kitty shrugged. "he probably will, i just—"

"if he doesn't, we're having a girls' night," you decided, already springing to your feet. "just us, old 2000s rom-coms, and—"

your eyes flickered toward the kitchen. without thinking, you strode over and snatched the freshly popped popcorn min ho had just made.

he turned slowly, gaze darkening. "put. that. back."

you smirked, tossing a piece into your mouth. "make me."

for a second, neither of you moved.

min ho stepped closer, his presence overwhelming as he stared you down. "you're so annoying, you know that?" his voice was lower now, quieter.

your heart kicked up—whether from irritation or something else, you refused to acknowledge.

"and yet," you popped another piece into your mouth, "you're still standing here."

his eyes flicked to your lips for half a second.

you blinked.

before you could react, you turned on your heel and skipped back to kitty, plopping down beside her.

"i'm sure dae will ask me, though... right?" kitty asked, her voice hopeful.

you forced yourself to focus, nudging her playfully. "of course he will. he loves you."

but as you spoke, you could feel min ho's stare burning into you from across the room.

and for some reason, you didn't hate it.

a week later, you were caught completely off guard.

jaehyun—a boy you barely spoke to—approached you in the courtyard, a single rose in his hand and a box of chocolates tucked under his arm.

your first reaction was to laugh, shaking your head in disbelief. “me?”

jaehyun grinned, nodding as he stepped closer, the faint scent of cologne lingering in the air. “y/n y/l/n, will you be my valentine?”

you blinked, glancing around like this was some kind of joke. but there were no snickering friends hiding nearby, no cameras pointed at you for some cruel prank.

just him, holding out the chocolates, slipping the rose behind your ear with careful fingers.

and for once, for the first time ever, you felt chosen. wanted.

a slow smile spread across your lips. “yeah, i will.”

jaehyun smirked before walking off, his friends clapping him on the back.

you watched him go, your heart thrumming in your chest, warmth blooming in your stomach. then, clutching the chocolates, you spun around and ran back to your dorm, excitement bubbling over.

for the first time, valentine’s day wasn’t something to dread.

it was something for you.

february 14th.

you spent an hour getting ready, carefully picking out your outfit, fixing your hair, and perfecting your makeup.

by the time you arrived at the restaurant, you were practically glowing, heart hammering with anticipation.

you found your table and sat down, smoothing your dress.

the waiter came over, pen poised over his notepad. "would you like to order?"

you shook your head, smiling. "oh, i'm waiting for my date. he'll be here soon."

the waiter nodded and walked away.

you checked your phone. no messages.

he's probably just running late.

thirty minutes passed. you were still sitting there, hands folded neatly in your lap, foot tapping against the floor.

an hour.

the waiter returned with a hesitant look. "would you like to order something while you wait?"

your stomach churned. "no... i think he'll be here soon."

you pulled out your phone, hesitated, then finally texted him.

no response.

you clicked on his profile.

blocked.

your breath hitched.

the realization crashed over you like a wave, drenching you in humiliation.

he wasn't coming.

two hours later, you ran out of the restaurant, the cold night air biting at your tear-streaked cheeks as you rushed to kitty's dorm.

the moment you reached the door, it swung open.

min ho.

you froze.

his gaze flickered over you, taking in the trembling shoulders, the ruined makeup, the way you clutched your arms around yourself like you were trying to hold the pieces together.

and then his expression shifted.

the teasing smirk he usually wore was gone. instead, his brows furrowed, lips parting slightly as he took a step forward.

you didn't give him the chance to speak. you shoved past him, storming into the room and collapsing onto the couch, burying your face in your hands.

min ho followed, shutting the door behind him.

silence.

then, the rustling of fabric as he moved closer.

the couch dipped beside you.

you flinched, immediately shifting away from him. "if you have something to say, i don't want to hear it!" your voice cracked, betraying you.

min ho exhaled, and when he spoke again, his voice was softer. "y/l/n... what happened?"

his tone. you weren't used to it. not from him. it wasn't condescending, wasn't laced with the usual irritation. it was something else.

something dangerous.

something that made your walls tremble.

you shook your head, wiping the fresh tears that spilled down your cheeks. "it's nothing."

min ho didn't move. "you look like you just had the worst night of your life. tell me."

you swallowed the lump in your throat.

for a moment, you considered shutting him out.

but then his eyes locked onto yours—deep, searching, unwavering—and suddenly, everything poured out.

"i was asked out by this guy," you whispered.

"jaehyun. and he—he asked me to be his valentine, and i thought, for once, someone actually wanted me. and then he stood me up." your voice broke on the last word.

"he blocked me."

the weight of it hit you all over again, a fresh wave of embarrassment and hurt crashing down. your chest tightened as more tears slipped down your face, shoulders shaking.

min ho was silent.

then, before you could react, he reached for you—his hands gripping your wrists, gently pulling them away from your face.

and then he did something you never expected.

he pulled you in.

your breath hitched as you crashed against his chest, his arms wrapping around you, warm and secure and safe.

the shock nearly knocked the air out of your lungs, but the moment his hand slid up to cradle the back of your head, the dam inside you broke completely.

you sobbed into his shoulder, hands clutching at the fabric of his hoodie. "i feel so stupid," you choked out.

min ho tensed. "you're not stupid."

you shook your head, unable to stop the spiral. "i just—i wanted it so badly. i wanted to feel special. but i guess i'm just—"

"don't."

his voice was firm.

you blinked up at him, sniffling.

min ho exhaled sharply, his grip tightening. "you are so much more than what that asshole saw you as. he's an idiot. he's a coward. and he just lost the chance to be with someone beautiful, talented, annoyingly stubborn—"

you let out a watery laugh.

"—and actually gives a shit about people," min ho finished. his voice lowered. "you deserve more than that. so much more."

you swallowed hard, your heart pounding.

it wasn't just what he was saying.

it was how he was saying it.

the way his gaze flickered down to your lips for half a second before snapping back up to your eyes.

the way his fingers curled slightly like he had to stop himself from holding you closer.

the way he was looking at you.

like he was realizing something.

like maybe he should've been the one to ask you first.

your breath caught in your throat.

min ho must've realized how close you were because he cleared his throat, quickly pulling back—but not before his fingers lingered for a second longer than they needed to.

you stared at him, your heart hammering against your ribs.

he let out a shaky breath, running a hand through his hair. "you should get some rest," he muttered. "you look exhausted."

you shook your head, wiping your cheeks. "stay with me, please." you looked down, avoiding his eyes.

min ho went completely still.

you didn't dare move, didn't even breathe as the weight of your words hung in the air between you.

stay with me, please.

you hadn't meant for it to come out so desperate, so raw. but now it was out there, and there was no taking it back.

his breath was slow, measured—like he was carefully choosing his next move.

then, without a word, he leaned back into the couch, his body still tense, but he didn't leave.

"i'm not gonna leave you alone like this," he murmured, voice quieter now.

you nodded, but you didn't look at him. couldn't.

because if you did, you knew you'd break all over again.

the silence stretched between you, heavy and suffocating. the only sound was your shaky breathing, the occasional sniffle as you wiped at your cheeks.

and then—just barely—you felt it.

min ho's fingers, brush against yours.

a hesitation.

a pause.

and then he held them.

not in the way a friend would. not in the way someone offering comfort should.

his grip was warm, steady—but his thumb traced over your knuckles, slow and deliberate, sending a shiver down your spine.

your breath hitched.

what is he doing?

min ho cleared his throat, but he didn't let go. "you're such an idiot."

your head snapped up, eyes narrowing. "excuse me?"

he let out a short, bitter laugh, shaking his head.

his grip on your hand tightened for half a second before he finally let go, dragging his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"i mean, really, y/n?" he muttered.

"some guy gives you a rose and suddenly you think you're in some fairytale romance? you actually believed he—" min ho cut himself off, jaw tightening.

he looked away, breathing heavily through his nose.

you stared at him, something in your chest twisting. "why do you care so much?"

his head snapped back to you, eyes burning. "because it's you."

the room went deathly silent.

you barely had time to process before min ho was speaking again, voice lower, rougher. "do you have any idea how fucking frustrating it is to watch you chase after people who don't deserve you? to see you get your hopes up just to end up crying like this?"

your throat tightened. "min ho—"

"i would never do that to you," he interrupted, his voice breaking slightly.

"i would never make you feel like you're not enough. and you—" he huffed out a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "you don't even see me, do you?"

you froze.

your pulse pounded in your ears as you stared at him, at the way his chest rose and fell unevenly, the way his hands clenched into fists like he was trying to hold himself together.

like this confession had been clawing its way out of him for way too long.

"...what?" your voice was barely above a whisper.

min ho let out a sharp exhale like he'd already said too much. but then his eyes locked onto yours, and something in them shifted.

screw it.

he surged forward, his face just inches from yours. "i like you, okay?" he muttered, the words dripping with frustration, desperation, something dangerous.

"i have liked you. and it's driving me insane watching you throw yourself at guys who don't even know how lucky they are to have your attention."

your lips parted, but no words came out.

min ho's jaw tensed, his eyes flickering between yours, searching—waiting.

for what, you didn't know.

for you to push him away?

to laugh in his face?

you didn't.

instead, you did the only thing you could do.

you reached for his hand again, gripping it tightly in yours. and this time, he was the one who sucked in a sharp breath.

"say it again," you whispered.

his brows furrowed slightly, his voice barely above a breath. "what?"

you swallowed, heart hammering against your ribs. "say it again."

min ho's fingers curled around yours. his voice was quieter this time, but just as intense.

"i like you."

you could barely think. barely breathe.

but then min ho leaned in, so close that his lips ghosted over your cheek, lingering there for a heartbeat too long.

his breath was warm against your skin, his grip on your hand tightening like he was grounding himself.

his voice dropped even lower, barely a whisper.

"...and i'm so fucking tired of pretending i don't."

you didn't move.

didn't breathe.

min ho's confession hung between you, thick and suffocating, as if the weight of it alone could crush you.

his breath was warm against your skin, his grip on your hand firm—like he was daring you to pull away, begging you not to.

but you couldn't.

your heart pounded so loudly you swore he could hear it.

every nerve in your body was on edge, hyper-aware of him—the heat of his body so close to yours, the tension radiating off of him like an electric current.

you forced yourself to swallow. "min ho..."

his name came out weaker than you intended, barely more than a whisper.

he pulled back just enough to look at you, his brows furrowed, his lips parted slightly like he was preparing for the worst.

like he expected you to shut him down.

and maybe you should've.

maybe you should've laughed it off, teased him, acted like this was some sick joke—because what other explanation was there?

this was min ho.

min ho, who bickered with you like it was a second language.

min ho, who always had something sarcastic to say, acted like he barely tolerated you most of the time.

min ho, who was right here, so close you could feel every breath he took.

"i—" you swallowed again, voice barely steady. "you can't just say things like that."

his jaw tightened. "why not?"

"because..." you hesitated, your grip on his hand loosening, but he didn't let go.

because it would change everything.

because it was easier to keep pretending.

because if you let yourself believe him—if you let yourself hope—you wouldn't survive it if he took it back.

min ho exhaled sharply, his frustration barely contained. "you really don't get it, do you?"

you blinked at him, heat rushing to your cheeks. "get what?"

"that i see you." his voice was quieter now, raw in a way that made your stomach twist.

"i see all of you, y/n. not just the part that laughs too loudly, or the part that annoys the shit out of me daily. i see the part that cries when no one's looking. the part that wants so badly to be chosen—" he broke off, shaking his head.

"and it pisses me off that you don't even realize you already are."

your breath hitched.

min ho's gaze flickered between your eyes, your lips, and back to your eyes.

his fingers twitched like he wanted to touch you again, but something was holding him back.

you.

you were holding both of you back.

you squeezed your eyes shut, your pulse thrumming wildly against your skin. "min ho, i don't—"

"tell me you don't feel it." his voice was low, almost desperate. "tell me i'm wrong."

you opened your mouth, ready to deny it. to throw up your defenses, to make this easier.

but nothing came out.

because you did feel it.

you felt it in the way your chest tightened whenever he was near.

in the way his absence left a void, you hated to acknowledge.

in the way, his touch, his words, and his presence sent something sharp and terrifying through you.

you felt it.

and min ho knew.

his lips parted like he was about to say something else—one final push to make you admit what was already written all over your face.

but then, a sharp knock sounded on the door.

you jumped.

min ho jerked back slightly, his grip on your hand loosening for the first time. the moment shattered the intensity between you dissipating like smoke.

the door creaked open, and kitty's voice rang out.

"oh—uh, am i... interrupting something?"

your head snapped up, your breath still uneven.

min ho let out a slow exhale, running a hand through his hair, forcing his expression back into something unreadable.

"no." his voice was flat, distant.

"nothing at all."

liar.

he shot you one last look before standing up, jaw tight.

then he walked out, leaving you alone on the couch, pulse still racing, heart still pounding, and everything left unsaid.

pt 2 - all i really want is you

[kimingyuslover]

shattered promises

synopsis: in a relationship marked by constant arguments and unfulfilled promises, you seek clarity from Jeonghan about your future together.

word count: 1,543 & some edits

genre: angst

warning: tears, jeonghan is an asshole, 6 and a half year relationship!!! lowercase intended

a.n: kinda rushed ending(?), i had a writer block while making this t__t. I hope y'all enjoy this. Also, i finally updated something on my account, lol

☆ check out my other works > main masterlist

argument after argument keeps happening inside of your relationship with him, whether it's because of something small or big.

in the past, these fights would simmer down after a few hours, ending with whispered apologies and lingering touches. but now, things feel different. after years of cycling through the same frustrations, you find yourself standing at a crossroads. you need clarity, certainty, something more.

"do you plan on taking our relationship to a serious level?" you ask, breath shaking, and your voice seems to waver.

he's silent, not wanting to answer your question, because he knew he'd say the same thing– he's not ready.

you sigh, the weight of his unspoken words crashing down on you. quietly, you retreat to your shared bedroom and pull out a large suitcase. slowly, methodically, you begin packing your belongings.

while Jeonghan stays seated on the living room couch, his mind running hundreds of miles per hour, he just needs to wait for your reaction. either you'll lock yourself in your shared bedroom like you always do or the worst thing that he could ever imagine, you broke the relationship you have with him.

Jeonghan, initially optimistic that the argument will blow over like before, realises with dread that this time it's different.

His stomach churns at the thought of the worst-case scenario: you leaving him for good.

minutes later, he hears the unmistakable sound of luggage being dragged. alarmed, Jeonghan rushes to the staircase, his heart pounding. at the top of the stairs, he sees you—three suitcases packed and ready.

"no, no, no," he mutters under his breath. He wasn’t expecting this. the arguments were familiar territory, something you always overcame. he thought this would be no different.

"I've made up my mind" you said to him, still a little struggling carrying all of your suitcases.

Jeonghan's eyes widen in panic. the woman he thought he’d love forever is walking out of his life, and he doesn’t know how to stop it.

“you're everything i want, Jeonghan–

you pause, the usual softness in your voice replaced with quiet resignation. no more "baby." no more "my love." none of the pet names he adored so much.

"You’ve always told me I’m ‘the one,’ but I’ve never felt like it. I’ve tried to hold on, but I can’t just survive anymore—I need to live. I love you, Jeonghan. I really do. I always will."

your words hang in the air, heavy with finality.

Jeonghan opens his mouth to speak but quickly closes it again, realizing he has no answer—nothing that can undo the years of uncertainty he’s put you through.

"You’ve been inconsistent," you continue, tears threatening to spill. "We’ve been together almost seven years, and you still tell me you’re not ready for something serious. I told you, from the start, that I wanted more by the time we hit four years. But I’ve been waiting... and hoping... and I just can’t do it anymore."

“but i guess i'm hoping too much, i shouldn't be putting hope to you when i first asked you at our 5 year anniversary, it may be selfish of me for thinking this way, thinking that maybe you want to be wed to me as much as i want to be wed to you, i'm always wrong. thank you for the memory though, i've learned a lot from this” with that you drag your suitcases and walk past Jeonghan whose legs are pinned to the floor, even when he heard the closing of that one door.

You still hope, deep down, that he’ll chase after you, beg you to stay, promise to change. But as the seconds turn into minutes, and the minutes stretch into ten, the apartment door remains closed behind you.

By the time the elevator reaches the ground floor, you know—he’s not coming.

You step into the night, flagging down a taxi to take you away from the place that once felt like home.

.........................

meanwhile, Jeonghan is still seated at his couch, replaying every word you say to him earlier. His brain is still processing everything that happens, the argument, confusion, and regret fully filling his head.

all he knows is, the next second, his brain finishes, swallowing every piece of information he got, tears already staining both of his cheek, and it's too late to chase you.

he hurriedly searches for his phone, wanting to call you, but he halts his movement, thinking that you would want some space after the big argument.

so he didn't call you.

.........................

Three and a half years pass.

Jeonghan steps off the plane at Incheon Airport, his sleek black hair neatly styled, his black trousers and white button-up making him look polished yet distant. he’s returned from Italy, where work projects with Woozi kept him occupied, but no matter how far he went, he could never escape the thoughts of you.

he's hoping that this time, you will gave him another chance, because he's ready now, to be in a serious commitment with you.

in fact, he already has the ring on him, he just has to find you again, making you his again and you will live happily ever after.

arriving at the old apartment, he feels a strange mix of hope and dread. he’s never let go of the memories you shared there, good or bad.

he picked up his mail from the receptionist, giving him a smile before walking to the lift carrying his things.

A few minutes pass and he finally arrives at his apartment.

after he takes a shower and gets dressed, he wants to start opening his mail one by one, but something catches his eyes, an envelope with your name on it.

for a fleeting moment, his heart leaps. but then he notices another name below yours: Choi Seungcheol.

he opens it, and he doesn't even think he can handle his heart breaks again, but it does happen.

it was your wedding invitation, with that man.

all of his hope was getting crushed by the simple “we're getting married!” text inside of the invitation and the pre-wedding photos of you and seungcheol.

the photos show you and Seungcheol, radiant and in love. the invitation is beautiful, but it feels like a dagger to his heart.

all of it was beautiful, but it's not him who you married, it was not your wedding invitation, it was not his intention when he came back overseas.

the things he had in his mind long gone, only filled with the regret that starts to fill up his body painfully slowly.

he curses under his breath, tears streaming down his face, nothing can't stop it anymore, his sobs are getting louder.

.........................

days later, Jeonghan finds himself seated in a church pew, his hands clasped tightly together. the music begins, and all eyes turn toward the doors. You appear, arm-in-arm with your father, wearing the wedding dress you once described to him as your dream. you look breathtaking.

the music starts to play, all the guests turn around to see the big door opens then there's you and your father. The gown fits your form gracefully with the veil covering your face and there's crown on your head.

you really look like a princess, and Jeonghan remember that you had told him that this is your wedding dream look.

lots of guests start tearing up, including him.

tears well in Jeonghan’s eyes, though not from joy like the other guests. he watches as you walk down the aisle, each step taking you further away from the life you once shared with him.

everything feels like it's going slow, the way you walk down the aisle delicately with your father by your side while holding a bouquet of your favourite flowers and seeing your fiancé ahead with the officiant, the slow music fills the air and makes this scene even more beautiful.

and god, you're so gorgeous in that dress, a smile etching both at yours and seungcheol's face, happy moments really shared through the air.

after the officiant announces you as wife and husband, seungcheol launches at you, kissing you deeply while Jeonghan and the other guests clapping and smiling, except his was fake.

your "I love you"s and shared smiles are beautiful, but they aren’t meant for him.

morning turns into evening, the sun finally gets tired and decides that it was the right time to get some sleep while the moon is rising to replace the sun's work.

all the people you invite watching you slow-dance with the one you love.

Jeonghan swallows the lumps in his throat with a shot of vodka while seeing you with seungcheol, his heart burns and so does his body.

this time, his heart is shattered, he knows he loves you but he has to let you go, because you're someone else’s now.

you're not his girlfriend anymore and you will never be again, he regrets not being able to fix his mistakes, and he regrets not being able to be your husband so he can be by your side as long as you live.

he will mourn every single day of his life until he dies, the pain of missed chances, and unfulfilled promises will always haunt him

[bonebabbles]

Star Thoughts

I'm going to gather up all of my thoughts on the Arc as a whole in another post, but for now, I'll just drabble about my thoughts on the ending

I did not like it

I saw a lot of potential in this arc, and I was really optimistic to begin with. ASC actually got me back into WC after a long time away from it, and it was the impetus for me to really jump into the fandom.

But the ending really bites. It was going off the rails for a while, but Star in particular gave me a terribly empty feeling.

It wasn't entirely bad. There was some good in it. But not enough.

First of all, Berryheart.

I hate where they went with her. Sincerely, what the fuck.

We closed off the last book with Sunbeam feeling dread at seeing her xenophobic, radicalized mother taking deputyship in another Clan, thinking about how she will be absolutely ruthless towards foreign people she sees only as pawns

...and then that just gets dropped.

Berryheart reveals to ShadowClan cats that she's actually just teaming up with Splashstar to get rid of Tigerheartstar, but she talks too loud and her stupid ass plan gets reveled

And Splashstar is like "oooo i never trusted you anyway!"

Which gets Owlnose angry at her because "Harelight died because of you" BUT. WHY??

WHY DID THAT EVEN "NEED" TO HAPPEN. SPLASHSTAR JUST DID THAT

Why even take Berryheart in as a deputy?? Why was any of this necessary? How did any of this happen and what did Splashstar gain???

This whole thing feels like an idiot plot. Or, worse, a plot the writer doesn't have to justify because "Splashstar Craaaazy"

But anyway, a fight happens because Splashstar tells her to kill her sister Yarrowleaf and Berryheart says no

Sunbeam comes to help, Berryheart pushes her out of the way, gets a dumbass redemption death saving her daughter.

We already HAD one of these, it was Curlfeather at the beginning of the whole arc. I massively resent that Berryheart did a Dollar Store Curlfeather-- it cheapens what Curl did.

Even the way that Spireclaw rolls up to tell Sunbeam "yeah she was mean but she died saving u" just. Ooooooughhh.

SHE TRIED. TO KILL. YOUR WIFE.

BERRYHEART TRIED TO KILL YOUR WIFE WITH AN ADDER, BRO.

We SAW IT. On the SCREEN. She (Berryheart) (your mom) sent YOUR WIFE (Fringewhisker) (wife) through a PART OF THE GORGE (log bridge) (snake inside) (deadly) YOU KNEW WAS UNSAFE

The way the narrative is desperate to be sympathetic towards violent xenophobes through this whole book absolutely infuriates me, but Berryheart in particular is insufferable

We didn't need "mom heroically dies to save daughter" twice, and we definitely did not need Berryheart to be the one between the two characters to get showered in emotional flashbacks.

Frostpaw had 6 entire books to explore the complicated feelings she has for her mother, and slowly come to unpack them in a nuanced and satisfactory way

So Berryheart's felt tawdry and tacked on, to me.

And poor Fringewhisker, a victim of bigoted harassment for several books, barely gets any say about this. Her tormenter is gone, her mate is eager to forget the bullying, and Star doesn't give a hoot about how she feels on that.

That said...

It's not the idea of Sunbeam having complicated feelings about her mother's death that bother me. Most of those scenes are enjoyable.

I even like the way that Sparrowtail tells Tigerheartstar that Berryheart was the only cat he would ever betray ShadowClan for, and now that she is dead, it is the only thing he's loyal to.

It's that Berryheart had to die by saving her daughter, this "entitles" her to a protracted mourning session with her sacrifice at the forefront, while the narrative's sympathy for Curlfeather runs totally dry.

Just totally jacked Curlfeather's thing; that her ambition ends where her family begins. Man.

And Owlnose. Guy who killed her.

Owlnose what did they DO to you

I stopped liking him the minute he said that RiverClan was just following Splashstar's orders.

And the way he started lamenting how he wished he'd taken responsibility and become RiverClan's leader-- that was the moment i gave up on him.

This is not my beautiful wife.

It would have been one thing if he was constantly framed as pathetic and weak-willed, someone who stays away from power because he hates being stressed out and knows it...

But he becomes deputy at the end of the book, so, no. Everything he did was intended to be legitimately insightful.

I dislike him now.

Then again, I dislike most of RiverClan now.

Star's ultimate statement about the fact the whole Clan fell in line behind Splashstar is that "They Were Just Following Orders."

For those unaware, this is an infamously bad argument called The Nuremberg Defense. It is called that because it was very popular during the trials of Nazi officials who had taken part in the Holocaust.

The Nuremberg Defense, at best, can reduce the severity of your punishment. Pleading this still results in you being held accountable for your crimes.

Unfortunately this is not even the first time WC has posited the Nuremberg Defense unironically... but honestly it shouldn't have even happened once if they're going to botch it this badly!!

Throughout this book and the previous one, RiverClan was growing increasingly xenophobic. They beat the shit out of Wasp, steal kittens to hold as hostages from SkyClan and ShadowClan, try to drown Whorlpelt, and eventually attempt to publicly execute Nightheart.

This is all completely and utterly handwaved away with the death of Splashstar.

Xenophobia and radicalization are not properly addressed at all by Star. In fact, it misses the point so entirely that I have to believe it's on purpose.

He Made Them Bad :(

They all say sorry to the cats they did hate crimes to and it's ok :)

They were just following orders because Splashstar was threatening to kill babies. They Had No Choice.

I swear to god I really try not to throw around the term "idiot plot" lightly, but ALL of ASC from like Book 4 onwards has been Idiot Plot after Idiot Plot. I don't have any other words to describe this!! These characters don't THINK. Most of them seem to only have beliefs at all when the plot needs them to.

And like, circling back around to Splashstar, I honestly think calling all of this an idiot plot is being charitable, because the alternative is that the writing team is being horrifically ableist instead

They turn Splashstar into the stereotype of a "blood-crazed lunatic" in the blink of an eye.

He's yelling at a hallucination of Curlfeather's ghost, experiencing delusions about his righteousness, suddenly snapping and turning violent towards people, acting completely irrationally so he can do whatever the plot demands.

All the while, other cats are noting how he's "crazy" and has "gone mad"

It's REALLY bad.

It almost makes me miss the Evil Chick Tract Atheist of Book 5. At least when I'm getting shit on I know how to make it funny

His death is whatever.

There was a really ridiculous line about how the Clans are going to send an Eviction Notice Patrol to him to "inform him that he is no longer welcome at the lake, not kill him, because we must be better than him 😇💕" but at this point im used to Warrior Cats being Neoliberal Cats. Meowliberal.

And then they kill him lmaoo

Me when i send a Friendly Reminder Squad into Osama Bin Laden's house to let him know he is no longer allowed at McDonald's

I don't have strong feelings on Frostpaw being the one to kill him. I kinda wish it was someone else, but there's also no other worthy or fitting cats in RiverClan.

Just feels odd to me that Harelight died in 1 hit while Frostpaw, who has only really trained to fight for a short time, manages to end him. But whatever.

If I've been talking a lot about Frostpaw it's because she's the most interesting. Sunbeam and Nightheart have never felt more obviously out of place.

The book comes up with SO many excuses to separate Night and Sun that you could probably make a drinking game out of it.

This book needed more time on the editing floor. Errors aside (numerous errors), some chapters feel padded out by Sunbeam and Nightheart telling each other to leave

I feel like you could fill an entire chapter with the scenes of them saying the other should go. Like a Scooby Doo "LET'S SPLIT UP GANG" compilation.

enough has been said about Frostpaw's coma. Tree sucks, I hate how he barges into her dream to yell at her about how she needs to fix RiverClan.

I resent that no one hit the RiverClan cats who started whining about how Frostpaw needs to come back and fix their mess with a baseball bat.

I wish Frostpaw could fire a laser at them from heaven or something

Don't like the way that the narrative sets up Tree demanding she come back like a good thing, and Jayclaw telling her she's allowed to rest and make her own choices like a bad thing.

For the love of god let her have a crumb of autonomy

This book makes me wish I was a paper wasp so I could chew it up into paste and make a sculpture of the RiverClan symbol and then light it on fire, but it's not the worst WC book I've ever read. 4/10

[chaoscradle]

assigning GUTS songs to stranger things characters (i know this has been done a ton of times already but i'm doing it anyway):

all-american bitch: nancy

"I know my age and I act like it"

"I'm a perfect all-american bitch"

"I know my place, I know my place, and this is it"

"I'm the eternal optimist, I scream inside to deal with it"

"I pay attention to things most people ignore"

(el could also work with this one, but i felt like with the whole nuclear family thing the wheelers have going on that nancy fits better)

bad idea right?: max

"'I only see him as a friend' the biggest lie I ever said"

"can't two people reconnect?"

"but god, when I look at you, my brain goes 'ah', can't hear my thoughts"

vampire: joyce

"every girl I talked to told me you were bad, bad news"

"you're so convincing, how do you lie without flinching?"

"I've made some real big mistakes, but you make the worst one look fine"

"the way you sold me for parts"

"you said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? you can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart"

"I loved you truly. gotta laugh at the stupidity"

lacy: el

"I linger all the time, watchin', hidden in plain sight"

"aren't you the sweetest thing on this side of hell?"

"I feel your compliments like bullets on skin"

"and I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you"

ballad of a homeschooled girl: mike

"and I hate all my clothes, feels like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones"

"the party's done, and I'm no fun, I know I know, I know, I know"

"I made it weird, I made it worse"

"everything I do is tragic"

"I'm shocked I'm still alive"

(this could also work for robin tbh)

making the bed: mike

"another perfect moment that doesn't feel like mine, another thing I forced to be a sign"

"push away all the people who know me the best"

"every good thing has turned into something I dread"

"and I tell someone I love them, just as a distraction"

logical: will (psa this is from will's pov i don't think any of this of mike)

"come for me like a savior, and I'd put myself through hell for you"

"and I fell for you like rain falls from a February sky, but now the current's stronger and I couldn't get out if I tried"

"oh, why do I do this? I look so stupid thinking two plus two equals five, and I'm the love of your life"

"'cause if rain don't pour and sun don't shine, then changing you is possible"

"you lied, you lied, you lied"

"I guess love is never logical"

"the sky is green, the grass is red, and you mean all those words you said"

"I know I'm half responsible, and that makes me feel horrible"

"I know I could've stopped it all, god why didn't I stop it all?"

"'cause loving you is loving every argument you held over my head"

get him back!: max (NOT about lumax, just how she'd handle a different breakup)

"I want sweet revenge, I want him again"

"do I love him? do I hate him? I guess it's up and down"

"I wanna make him really jealous, I wanna make him feel bad"

"I wanna break his heart, then be the one to stitch it up"

"I wanna meet his mom, just to tell her her son sucks"

love is embarrassing: will

"and then, you kissed some girl from high school"

"waited by my phone like a goddamn fool"

"god, love's embarrassing as hell"

"and I consoled you while you cried over your ex-girlfriend's new guy" (minus the new guy part)

"you found a new version of me"

"I give up, I give up, but I keep comin' back for more"

the grudge: lucas

"how could anyone do the things you did so easily?"

"I try to be tough, I try to be mean, but even after all this, you're still everything to me, and I know you don't care, I guess that's fine"

"one phone call from you and my entire world was changed"

"and I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did, but I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it"

"and I know in my heart, hurt people hurt people"

(this song doesn't 100% represent lucas and max's relationship in s4 imo but it comes the closest)

pretty isn't pretty: el

"there's always something in the mirror that I think looks wrong"

"when pretty isn't pretty enough, what do you do?"

"I could change up my body and change up my face, I could try every lipstick in every shade, but I'd always feel the same"

"fix the thing you hated, and you'd still feel insecure"

"I chased some dumb ideal my whole fucking life, and none of it matters and none of it ends"

teenage dream: will

"they all say that it gets better, it gets better, but what if I don't?"

"when am I gonna stop being wise beyond my years and just start being wise?"

"I'll blow out the candles, happy birthday to me" (birthdaygate)

"but I fear that they already got all the best parts of me"

"will I spend all the rest of my years wishin' I could go back?"

[nancypullen]

Back to Reality

I've always been a homebody, a nester. Few things make me happier than a cozy, sweet home and a pot of soup bubbling on the stove. After ten wonderful days in France we flew home (well, that took an extra day) and slipped back into our daily routine. After a good night's sleep I made a grocery run, came home and tossed in travel laundry, then got busy on a pot of vegetable soup. Not gonna' lie, France is better. Denton stinks. One positive note, when we arrived home and turned onto our little cul-de-sac the autumn color was bursting into its glory.

It's like lifting the lid of a treasure chest full of jewels. Oh, I love it! I'm stuffing myself with salads, trying to cleanse my body of all of the gloriously rich French food. There's not one bite I regret. I do regret not bringing home a variety of butters. There are actual butter stores in France where you can buy butters infused with any flavor you can imagine. French butter is already vastly more delicious than our supermarket stuff, but imagine it combined with your favorite herbs, spices, or sweet flavors. They'll vacuum seal it for you if you're traveling. I talked myself out of hauling a suitcase full of butter home, but I'm still thinking about it. Shallot butter, vanilla butter, chili butter, smoked salt butter, citrus butter, truffle butter, I can't even remember the hundreds of flavors.

Their butter has more fat and less water than our American butter, and I'm sure there's some other magic involved, and I'm convinced that if it was distributed worldwide we would finally have peace. Everyone would be happy. *sigh* That said, now that I am back in the land of instant everything, I am not enjoying a buttery quiche for breakfast. The French would cry if they saw my morning "meal".

Yep, a protein shake with an extra scoop of collagen powder. Reality sucks. I'm just going to mention that life expectancy in the U.S. is 77.5 and in France it's 82.3. Maybe we should eat the butter.

In other news, Mickey has a cold. Thoughts and prayers are appreciated. If he doesn't make it I'll post the funeral info here. I should probably shop for a black dress. I've threatened him with bodily harm if he keeps coughing and breathing on me. Halloween is just days away and I intend to enjoy it with my grandgirl. So there you have it, we're back and everything is normal (ish). The kitties were thrilled to see us and are still in our faces 24/7, reminding us that we abandoned them. The cat sitter babies them, talks to them, lets them choose their own dinner, and they still act as if we left them to waste away. Drama queens. I have a dental check-up tomorrow and I never expect anything good to come of that. I brush and floss constantly, yet they always find enough work in my mouth to send their kids to college. I'm dreading it. After that it's mammogram time. The fun never ends.

I received our Xmas cards in the mail and realized that it's just 63 days until Santa comes. Good grief. Election day is just 13 days away, and that's terrifying. The day after the election I'm flying to Florida to visit my mom. My sister will meet me there and we'll have some girl time. I'm hoping we all feel relieved and not gut punched. Do I dare hope? I'm a silver lining seeker, a lifeboat singer, an eternal optimist - but I have to admit the last couple of years have stomped on that. Hard. I keep begging the universe to show me just how good things can be, trying to manifest the good. It does feel like there's a wave of positive energy, of goodness, sweeping the country - but I felt that once before and we ended up with an orange con man in the Oval Office. He's a liar, a grifter, a narcissist, an adjudicated rapist, a pervert, a 34 times convicted felon, he tried to steal a free and fair election, and there are still idiots who say, "That's my guy!" Even if you can ignore his criminal history and his lies, he's not a smart man. He doesn't even understand how our government operates. He can't grasp basic science. It's absolutely beyond me how anyone thinks he's in any way fit to lead. If you're one of those people, this blog is not for you. Move on. I've always been a promoter of unity, finding our similarities rather than our differences, respecting the beliefs and views of others even if I feel the opposite. Not anymore. This is not remotely about liberal vs conservative or Republican vs Democrat, this is not about policy at all. This is about decency. If, after everything he has done, you're still a Trumper, then I see who you are at your core. You may play nice in public or move through your days doing good acts, but at the end of the day you're okay with racism, misogyny, and cruelty. Deep down you truly think that someone who has a different skin tone, loves a same sex partner, or immigrated here seeking the American dream, is somehow LESS than you. That they deserve fewer rights and unfair treatment, the opposite of what this country is supposed to stand for. I'm so tired of the mean-spirited and ugly rhetoric being paraded around as patriotism. It's the opposite. Okay, okay. Getting off my soap box. I hope that you're making an educated choice in the voting booth. I hope that you're thinking of daughters who have fewer rights than their mothers did, grandparents who rely on Social Security, and what our future will look like if an ignorant wanna-be dictator with selfish, cruel intent regains power.

Think I'm being dramatic? These are photos of women in Iran in the 1970's - studying at university and window shopping, wearing the fashions of the day.

Here's the women of Iran now. In 1979 it became the law that all women must wear the hijab or face arrests and beatings. That was just the beginning.

All it takes is one mad man and his minions. Don't let that happen. From French butter to human rights, that sounds about right for this blog. I sit down at the laptop, crack open my brain, and shake everything out. Take what you want, leave the rest for the crows.

I think I'll sit at my desk and address Xmas cards. I'm cursing myself by getting an early start, aren't I ? Just asking for trouble. Maybe I'll make art instead. I'm in the mood to paint something. I hope that your day is sunny and positive. Treat yourself today, whether that's a cookie or a new nail polish - just a little bit of happy goes a long way. Sending out lots of love, I hope you feel it. Stay safe, stay well. XOXO, Nancy

[knowltonsrangers]

theoretically pt.7

Benjamin Tallmadge x F!reader

first , prev

Caleb never asked if you got seasick, expertly drawing the boat to the shoreline and jumping inside. The man hummed a tune you didn't know as he offered you his hand, swaying gently as the waves bobbed to the coast unanimously.

“Thanks,”

Your hand finds his, his unused hand grabbing your opposite elbow to steady your balance.

"You seem like you’re good friends with the Major,"

Small talk is awkward, but if it meant to carry on a conversation longer than a question and an answer, you would entertain the notion.

"I would sure hope so. Been friends since we were kids,"

“That’s sweet,”

You mean it wholeheartedly, something you hope translates with a small smile on your lips.

Then, your own feet betray you, unceremoniously tripping onboard the small boat as Caleb lunges to catch you.

"I said I'd take care of ya, y/n, can't do that with you in the drink,"

Swallowing thickly, you nod, regaining your footing before sitting down, gasping slightly at how unstable and unsafe all of this felt.

“Speaking of,”

You catch his attention as he looks over to you curiously, seated across from you as he halts his digging through his bag.

"I think Benjamin’s just about had it with me,"

You sigh as he pulls the rope free, the boat officially leaving the shore in one swift motion.

"What makes ya say that?"

"Well, for one, he's incredibly insistent that I leave here. And he doesn't seem to like my jokes."

You only mean the second half as a poor attempt at a jest, yet Caleb begins to seriously mull the two reasonings over, gathering the oars in his hands as he begins to row.

"Nah, don't think of it that way, y/n. He's sendin' you away to protect ya, and I think in my entire life I've seen Ben genuinely laugh six times."

He pauses.

"Maybe seven."

"I can't help it that humor is my defense mechanism. Or coping mechanism.”

You hesitate, then include:

“Or both."

"If I could see it your way, y/n, I'm positive I'd understand."

"Yeah, I can empathize with that."

There's a pause, and you find yourself frowning slightly, every time your mind wanders to the fact you are scarce out of ideas to find your way home from here.

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

You whisper, hands coming to your upper arms as if to instinctively hold yourself. Caleb laughs, then takes a good look at the expression on your face and realizes you aren't kidding.

"No, no! Not ta me, at least. Interestin’, that’s a way I'd call the situation."

“Thanks.”

The warble in your tone is enough to make you physically cringe.

“That means a lot,”

There’s a beat of silence before the brunette presses onwards.

"May I ask you somethin', y/n?"

You swallow thickly, shaking the feeling of dread away for a moment, gently bobbing your head up and down to usher him onwards.

“Why didn’t you listen in yer history class?”

Your eyebrows raise, and then your mind reels. That would be an excellent question that you don't have the heart to tell the man, so you opt for an ambiguous answer instead.

“I…I don’t know. I guess before now, I didn’t have a good reason to.”

“Well, makes me think that if there’s a class to teach, means we’re doin’ somethin’ right.”

“You’re an optimist. That’s a good way to look at it.”

“Not that I’m known for my great ideas or nothin’.”

The trip across the sound was full of mindless chatter, and one thing you appreciated was that Caleb never tried to pry any more information out of you. It was quite nice to just have a simple conversation like it was meeting a new friend, and happy to not be stuck in that tent, nor the endless hours of interrogation.

Once you arrive at the opposite shoreline, it becomes hours of the waiting game. Your chin finds your hand as you sit on the sand, knees drawn to your chest as your clothes bunch and gather uncomfortably.

"I'm due back to get Ben soon. Think you'd be okay for a bit?"

Your head swivels, noting how dark the wooded area had become since you both had arrived upon it.

"He's coming here?"

"Well, yeah. He's gotta tell me what to do with ya, miss."

Caleb snorts, hands on his hips as you sniffle quietly.

"Am I safe? I mean, it seems desolate, but you would know the area better than me,"

The man does a full three-sixty shuffle, eyes scanning the tree line and listening patiently for any movement.

"I'd say so. If someone comes too close, or somethin' rattles in the distance, just keep movin' along the shoreline. S'all connected, I'd find ya."

Your hands run down your pockets, a bit of worry twisting in your stomach at the notion of having nothing on your person.

"Got any spare knives?"

Another joke, but Caleb seemingly contentedly agrees. Shuffling around in his bag, he pulls out a small pocket knife, no bigger than the palm of your hand.

"S'not much, but it's enough to protect yerself."

He hands it to you, and you take it graciously, holding it close to your chest.

"Thank you!"

To you, you have no choice but to happily oblige to any of Caleb's ideas. He was easygoing and downright hilarious, but you can tell just how much he respects Benjamin.

"I promise, even if you come 'cross some lobsterbacks, they wouldn't harm a lady. Just say ya got lost, and ask for the Captain or Major. They'd be able to help you."

His index finger comes to his lips, as if he's about to disclose a secret.

"Jus' don't mention anything about the camp, alright? Yer a patriot now, y/n, don't go switchin' sides."

You stand, wiping the sand from your pants as you go over to Caleb, offering him your pinky. You weren't quite sure if he'd understand what you meant, but almost instantly he locked with yours and shook your interlocked hands once, firmly.

"I promise." "'Atta girl."

And just as quickly as he was in front of you, he was in that boat again, and then in the water, and then...far enough into the fog that you could no longer see him.

"Well, shit."

You kick a rock, praying for the daylight just to hold a little longer. The night hours would be much scarier alone, and you wouldn't find much solace not being able to see your enemy.

"Just another fine predicament, nothing I can't handle." Your fingers run over the pocket knife tucked neatly in your hand, jumping slightly as the crunch of leaves echo within earshot.

"Yeah, right-"

[yumyumcoldfish]

What Is Life If Not To Live?

An introspective and reflective, personal essay about uncertain thoughts regarding my future.

For a while now, I've been contemplating what I want to do. Mostly unsure and anxious about my future—what might happen, may mangyayari ba even sa future ko (💀)

I've always felt the need to conform to what's supposed to be normal; study hard, get a job (umalis sa bansang to), and be financially stable enough to return my dad's sacrifices. I'm lucky enough to not receive pressuring remarks from my family, never once heard them state what I should be or what I should do in my life. And I'm not blaming anyone, I'm supposed to be responsible for my actions. Maybe it's the lack of guidance I wish was present when I was a child, and even now. Because I feel so lost.

I've been feeling that way for a while now ever since I turned 17. I know things will work out, I've always been the type to be optimistic and confident that things will be okay for me and that it'll all be fine anyways. That I'll graduate, get a job that's at least in my field of interest and have enough money to survive.

But is that it? That's all? Something about that doesn't sit well with me. I want more, I want there to be more because I know there's more than this mundane adult life me and my other peers dread (whether we admit it or not).

Some of you may not see it, some of you may not get what I mean. I don't want to just survive, I want to live.

Adulthood just seems so damn pressuring. I remember the frown that crawled its way out of my lips when I had this conversation with Irha (hi), talking about what we'd do in the future. I remember feeling so crushed when she ever so bluntly broke it to me na kailangang maging practical. It's like a part of me shattered that day when it hit me na whatever I want to do, wouldn't matter if walang pera. And it shifted my mindset ever since.

Every time someone brings up the topic of the future, I'd bring up jobs that are practical or what would bring money. Money, money, money. It's so redundant at this point. I know myself enough to know I'm materialistic, but damn does it seem pointless when I have first-hand experience on receiving money but not my parents' presence (that's a story for another day).

My mindset has shifted so much so that I fail to see the value in day-to-day jobs that are genuinely, and supposedly important to our community. I've been using the word 'lang' when describing a specific job, like 'Ah, ayaw ko maging X lang.' And I know that's extremely disrespectful and offensive.

I was raised to try and reach for the stars, my ego has been honed to make me feel like an individual that's different and even a small step back can make me feel inferior or invaluable, as if I'm not living up to my potential. And I recognize that I still haven't, I'm young after all.

It's also when I realize the charm of simply living, a mundane life. And that's when it hit me. I think I'm done with conforming to what's to be expected of us youth, I've thought about this na ever since I signed up for UPCAT. I don't like psychology anymore. I mean it's interesting to me and I like studying it, but I do not want to pursue it academically. I don't want my life to revolve around a degree that doesn't leave a spark in me.

I've always had a passion for creativity, people close to me know I've always enjoyed writing and many other things. I'm still figuring out what I could pursue, still uncertain, of course. But I'm sure it'll make me happy.

I'm sorry for the long read, this is essentially me yapping (ranting) about something that's been bugging me for a while now and I thought; why not share my thoughts? Maybe this'll give me clarity and maybe, just maybe, I could inspire one of you too to think deeply about what you want to do.

Do you and live.

[textual-deviant-blog]

Haven't seen anyone talk about the heat death of the universe, lately.

- Ai-generated piece by user 'Darwhim.ai', "Mortal Redemption"

I'm hoping to eventually study the science behind that theory, get some knowledge that will help me in my writing, but for now I just want to provoke the idea some more.

When you give it some thought, it's possibly, at once, one of the most terrifying and trite things in existence. We'll never live long enough to ever have it affect us in any way, but the fear behind it is the inexorable quality it has; the inevitable erasure of everything we've built up, as a species, as a society, as an individual.

It is the Alpha and Omega of science fiction, one of the greatest existential crises people experience, and... again, none of us will ever live long enough that it matters.

As I sit here at my desk, pondering consciousness and all manner of things, the thought that people have gone mad over this, the thought that people have let their lives be destroyed by this notion? It's ridiculous, in the same manner that people still crying over the towers collapsing, every year, on that fateful date, feels ridiculous.

Everyone who more easily disconnects from the thoughts that bring them pain views these sorry individuals with pity. It's funny, because everyone barring the most sociopathic at least felt a passing terror over them. It's a universal experience, and something we universally ignore.

Some may, instead, have optimistic theories of their own, the Big Crunch being the most well known. We want to feel optimistic about a future we'll never see, the matter of how realistic or supported that future is by what we know... being somewhat irrelevant.

This isn't a psychological analysis. The conclusion I've been dancing around is that, does it matter? If it matters to you, the reader, on an emotional level, shouldn't you do something about it? Can't? Then, why? Is it because you feel a moral obligation? Or, it's just a sad reality to live in? Sir, madam, or gentleperson who lies in between, should it matter if your life remains unaffected in everything but the cognition of it alone? Because you think it's terrible that such a cosmic thing lies beyond your control?

Sometimes things just happen. For no reason at all. In a world with control, a man wouldn't die after hitting his head on a sidewalk. The one-in-a-billion prion wouldn't just kill you after living a long, prosperous life. A pulsar wouldn't have any chance, no matter how small, to accidentally blast us from across the universe. A meteor couldn't escape the grasp of Jupiter and instead aim for our civilization of everything.

...there's a sort of beauty to it, however. One of the greatest paradoxes, greatest pieces of dichotomy our existence has to offer. In a world with control, a man tripping wouldn't have that tiny, tiny chance to result in meeting the woman who would eventually become your mother. A scientist wouldn't get to study one of the most deadly organisms on the planet, and gush about how silly the series of coincidences in our physiology are to even let this poor thing have a tiny, tiny chance to kill us. We couldn't learn about things like pulsars; couldn't awe at how terribly energetic and magnificent they are, elements the size of mountains radiating beams trillions of miles long.

Nobody would ever write a novel about a meteor hitting Earth, the protagonist either saving the planet or having mere hours- perhaps even less- to face the totality of existence. It might be written well, it may be written terribly; but it would be written nonetheless. If there was no meteor, no great crisis, no great existential dread, no great confrontation, so much of the human experience would just be living, existing, perhaps not even breathing.

Would we dream of death, then? Would we think of the thrills that would result from just being mortal? Would we think about all the things we wouldn't do, for fear of death? In a world where mortality is the standard, we'll never have these thoughts- not truly. Perhaps in another universe, but that's a line of dialogue unto it's own.

Ultimately, without mortality, what would we mortals be?

What do you think?

-

Sometimes I fancy age advancing upon me. One gray hair I have found. Fool! do I lament? Yes, the fear of age and death often creeps coldly into my heart; and the more I live, the more I dread death, even while I abhor life. Such an enigma is man -- born to perish -- when he wars, as I do, against the established laws of his nature.

- Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, 1833: The Mortal Immortal.

[thewaywardbruja]

~ Thoughts In My Head ~

So I've got a lot going on in my head, none of it is particularly good, but I just wanted to type it out here because I need to get it out somehow.

I'm struggling a bit, with my mental health, this week, is a hard week for me, and I just dont know how to express how I'm feeling aside from crying.

Friday, marks - One Year since my Grandma was taken from me, and I know its only Monday, but I'm already counting down the days, I'm dreading it. We're away thankfully, at a car show but it doesnt make it any easier. I'm really struggling with my grief, and trying to hold it together.

I've also come down with something / my body is fighting something off, and I am the most tired, and exhausted I have ever been in my life and hardly have the strength to do anything. I have to keep forcing myself to do stuff, and then just want to sleep afterwards, its doing my head in literally. I dont feel like myself and the brain fog is really starting to get to me.

Its so bad that I ran my car into a brick wall two days ago, and I would never do that normally. Work has been extremely difficult, and standing in one place, and doing the same thing over, and over is just really starting to grind away at me. I've been thinking, and looking for another job, something different, and there just isnt anything around where we live.

I'm currently waiting for the results of my Lvl 1 Math test, hoping beyond hope that I managed to pass, but I doubt I did, I struggled so much with it, and the first time wasnt much better.

So, that means I'll be in another Lvl 1 class, for another 12 weeks, and ugh. My English GCSE's are coming up rapidly as well and I have no idea how I'm going to do on those either. I just know if I fail that as well, then I dont know what I'll do but the prospect of me joining the police this year is slowly slipping out of my fingers.

I mean my Leave to Remain Visa getting approved was good news, but its just been so over-shadowed by the anniversary coming up and me being sick that I havent really had much time to let it sink in and celebrate.

I hope soon I will start to feel better, and things will turn around but I'm not holding out much hope.

--

In other news, my witchcraft is taking off, I've had so many wonderful experiences - which have mostly been uploaded to my tiktok, that I am feeling so blessed and just wonderful about where my practice is taking me.

I found out that what was a Crow spirit, was actually Fenrir trying to communicate with me, and after using divination to talk to him, it felt wonderful to know that I now have two wolves at my side <3

I'm taking - this whole thing with Fenrir really slowly, and just letting it happen in its own time. He still makes me nervous. I asked him if we could have a spirit guide relationship - because I promised myself I would never bow down to no God again, ever - a long time ago. He said "Yes" <3 That made me feel a lot better as well.

White and I have been getting closer, and our bond has been getting stronger. After my amazing and wonderful reading I had the other day, I just feel so great, and liberated about everything I have been experiencing and feeling. <3

I cant wait to see what the future holds for me within Witchcraft. Its been so amazing, so far.

Friday marks one year since I found my path, and my practice and I wouldnt change it for anything <3 Its been such an amazing journey thus far <3 I have made so many amazing friends within the Witchcraft community as well, Jade, Sapphire, Josephine, ShyTyger (Char), Shay, Aphrodite, Jasmine, Naamah - just to name a few <3 You guys all rock and are so amazing, and I am so blessed to have you all in my life <3

So yeah. I dunno, just got a lot on my mind, and trying to make sense of all of it. I blame whatever is making my brain so foggy, its messing with my emotions and making me depressed as hell too. Yay Depression.

Hopefully things will start to get better, I'm trying to be an optimist about this... ( Bastille Joke... hah )

So yeah, I'll see you around <3

[ddoxhan]

happily ever after

I wished, but wonders only exist in fairytales

word count : 0.7k words

genre : angst; hope was dreadful yet she showed you, wonders

tw : none ?? though it's quite depressing

a/n : uni has been taking a toll on me with assignments and expectations :') trying my best to cope with it and I'm not losing :3 enjoy !!

a day, 24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds. what are the chances that I'd be able to get past these dreadful numbers? and all of them make up only one day out of the many I've endured. I'd try so hard to remind myself that I've got people around me who cherishes my presence so I need to get past these life obstacles. but what if I said, I don't think I deserve to be part of anyone's life because all I am is just a burden and nuisance.

that's just how I've felt, for almost my entire life. if not entire, majority. sometimes I'd get that feeling that I don't deserve to be happy, delighted with the fact that I am so blessed with supportive parents and great friends. I still felt alone, no matter whatever moment we've spent together. It's like I'm bound to this feeling of solitude that would never leave for life, regardless of whether I have people in my life or not.

I've grown tired; tired of whatever life had been throwing at me. when one problem seems to be solved, another kicks in and have me worrying and overthinking it. sometimes it doesn't even need the completion of one problem for another to start. every year, I'd wish for it to be better than the previous one. I'm not even close to half a century and not even to the half of that.

what have I done wrong in my past life? what have I done wrong in this life? why does it feel like I'm being punished for my wrongdoings that I am not aware of? am I not trying hard enough to live this life? every time I throw these questions, there aren't any answers to them. one may think I'm too pessimistic to see the brighter side of life, but was there a brighter side to mine in the first place?

questions with no answer, conversations with no reply, sounds with no echo. emptiness would be the appropriate word to explain whatever I'm feeling right now. I've fought every minute till I feel nothing anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore.

my world revolved around trying to live normally, but was it at the cost of happiness and contentment? trying to live normally only resulted in me being not sociable enough, not striving academically enough, not active enough. just not being enough. I was not enough to be someone who could survive society.

there were days I'd wake up with no worries at the back of my head. however, those days could only stay in the past and never have one again. because I am growing, and I can only wish that I never become an adult as becoming one would only mean I'm expected to suck it up. suck everything up till I'm only just a shell, with nothing else inside of me.

as if I'm not already trying my very best to suck everything up and be the mature one, more problems arise and solutions seem like an impossible achievement. I have only one wish now, is to live normally and see the ending of this eventful life. even if it means at the cost of myself.

at the end of the day, I will end up alone. so why give myself hope that happily ever after was the ending of my story? when every path I took never seemed to be the right one, ning yizhuo, you showed up, brought yourself into my life and just told me that maybe that my pain is a way of life. everyone goes through it but you just had it harder. you gave your everything to the world, then a time where the world gives back to you would come.

you made it seem like my problems were nothing compared when the world was against you. yet you stood your ground and became the best version you could be. being the total opposite of myself, I was attracted to you who was optimistic and strong, both physically and mentally.

and that's when I fell. in love? perhaps. but it didn't just stop there where it grew into admiration. you became my role model in life and it fueled my will to live on.

wonders were only in fairytales but you showed me that fairytales were real.

[hypmicdaydreams]

Can i request angst senario for hitoya, I'm in the mood for sadness 😊😂

I'm ngl, it was pretty hard trying to come up with an idea, but I hope this is good! This was fun to write~ Thank you sm for your request, and I hope you enjoy 💕

-pairing: hitoya amaguni x gn!reader

-genre: angst

-summary: having been ridden with an illness, you’re stuck in the hospital where hitoya visits you each day

-word count: ~1.6k

-content warning: mentions of an incurable illness

it was difficult for hitoya to suppress his grimace the moment he walked into the hospital room once again. the white walls and silence save for the occasional sounds of the medical instruments gave the entire room a bit of an eerie and unsettling feeling, though perhaps that was simply the vibe of the entire hospital, which was more likely to be the case. it was an atmosphere that he did not like one bit, finding it to be much too uncomfortable. perhaps he only felt that way, however, because of his past, having abandoned his medical school dreams in pursue of a law career. it might’ve reminded him of his dreaded past, resurfacing his feelings of inadequacy once more. that was one reason, though not the main one. the most likely reason as to why he hated it so much was because you were currently staying at one right this instant. 

hitoya never really did pay much mind to hospitals and their atmospheres, usually. sure, they were ridden with illnesses and had the stench of death quite literally at their doorstep, but that was something that he seemed to not pay any attention to simply because he wasn’t the one dealing with it or being faced with it. harsh, certainly, but this was common amongst almost everyone maybe. no one really thinks about hospitals until they’re at one anyway. 

but when you were admitted given your worsening health condition (you had some sort of illness that didn’t seem to get any better), it was when hitoya began to grow a sort of hatred for them. each time he saw one, it only served as a reminder of your condition, and given that you were his partner, someone he loved and cherished, well, hitoya didn’t want to think about it. so each time he came in for a visit, hitoya couldn’t help but hate his entire time there, never able to rid of the gnawing gut feeling or the heartache each time he saw how helpless and weak you looked stuck in that bed and gown. that didn’t deter him from always checking in though, no matter how busy he was. 

“i didn’t think you’d make it today,” you commented, smiling upon seeing that hitoya had visited you again today. it did make your loneliness at the hospital a bit more bearable. “i thought you’d be gone the whole day for your court case.”

“it was an open and shut one,” he replied, taking his seat on the chair that was right beside your bed. as much as he tried to remain upbeat and positive, especially now after seeing your smiling face, hitoya found it quite hard to do so. i mean, just the sight of you poking at your bland food, looking as meek and pale as ever was, made it difficult for him to smile. it seemed as if your condition was only worsening, and hitoya didn’t know how he could try to remain optimistic at such news. well, he still tried, if only not to make you feel worse. “the judge ruled pretty quickly.”

“i should’ve known,” you muttered, laughing a bit at yourself for ever having doubted him. seriously, did you even know him? this was the hitoya amaguni. of course he’d find some way to shut it down fast and hard. “you’re the best lawyer in japan after all.”

at this, he couldn’t help but smirk, getting a bit too cocky about himself. hitoya already knew that point. he never lost a single case, ever, after all; but hearing the love of his life say it was something else entirely. it felt much better. and you, on the other hand, couldn’t help but giggle once you saw how much of an ego boost it was. you were happy to see him perking up for once. 

that moment was soon cut short, however. hitoya fell silent, almost suddenly really. it was such a startling shift. but, well, he was quite the straight-forward man, always so serious in just about everything, no matter how silly the situation seemed. he didn’t take lightly to jokes most of the time (unless it was from you), and the anticipation and waiting around to find the answers that he wanted was simply much too frustrating and uncomfortable of a feeling for him. basically, hitoya just wanted to get to the point. he was rather impatient after all. 

“did the doctor say anything?” 

it was a question that immediately shifted the atmosphere, turning it from a light-hearted one to something tense. his serious tone, sharp gaze, and bit of a frown did that as he became all serious-like. and the smile that you were carrying just moments prior fell as you were reminded of what your doctor had informed.

“i’m getting worse.” it was a silent mumble, something that sounded a bit fearful as well. hitoya couldn’t blame you for feeling that way, however. being conscious of the fact that you were physically deteriorating and could do nothing about it was bound to be frightening; but at the same time, hitoya couldn’t help but think that you were rather brave and courageous for being able to put up with it. you were so strong, much stronger than he thought he was. and even if hitoya was somewhat of a pessimist, he did admire how optimistic you tried to be, how you kept your fighting spirit alive. it was admirable surely. 

at the news, hitoya could only stay silent. he knew that it was inevitable, knew exactly that this was what you’d tell him when he visited you the next time. even when he had prepared for this, it still hit hitoya hard and caught him off-guard in a sense. imagining something and having it come to life prompted completely different feelings after all. one was merely something from his mind whereas the other was reality and directly affected him. 

he felt that terrible pain in his heart again. hitoya didn’t quite know how to describe it, only knowing that he hated feeling this way always. it reminded him a bit of everything that had ever went wrong in his life and how it seemed to be only growing worse. he just felt so miserable. it was times like these that hitoya hoped that he had remained on his path to becoming a doctor, not able to help but imagine that perhaps he would’ve been able to help you out then, maybe even cure you. 

“but i should be fine as long as i take my meds,” you quickly added, your mood brightening up once more as you tried to rid of the atmosphere hitoya had created. geez, you didn’t want either of you guys to feel bad, especially when he came. visiting hours were limited after all, and if hitoya was going to come, then you wanted to at least enjoy your time with him before going back to the isolation of your hospital room. “enough of all this depressing talk. how has training with the others been?”

at the mention of them, hitoya felt a headache coming through. it’s not that he didn’t enjoy spending time with kuko and jyushi, as much as his stress levels rose each time. simply put, they were quite the handful, and having recalled what had happened a few days prior, hitoya couldn’t help but sigh. you very much seemed to enjoy it, however. 

“troublesome,” he mumbled.

“why? what happened?”

and as hitoya went on and on about their antics, taking into account how you were having fun at his story, he couldn’t help but get more worried about your condition. only now was he able to fully take into account just how skinny and meek you looked, probably as a result of your illness and the toll it was taking on you. honestly, it only made him feel worse, and the pain in his heart throbbed again. hitoya couldn’t help but be frustrated at your lack of progress, at himself for not being able to do anything. seeing his love grow worse and worse by the day through his eyes...there were no words to describe it honestly. your fate was inevitable, as much as hitoya didn’t want to think about it. 

his slight frown and furrowed brows never did leave as hitoya gazed at your ill-ridden form, a slight sadness behind it. he never could shake off those thoughts, the ones about what would happen in the future and how you’d never get better. he tried to tell himself that there was hope, that perhaps you would get better, but deep down, both you and him knew that that was far from the truth. perhaps you’d hold out, however. one could never be certain about anything after all. but, even then, hitoya couldn’t help but dismiss all those thoughts. it’d be much better if he focused on reality, look at the actual facts and all, so that he wouldn’t get too hurt in the end (that wouldn’t happen either way). 

man, hitoya grimaced as he thought about it. even when you tried to keep bright and happy, hitoya could do nothing but be negative. you really were strong. hitoya could learn a few things from you. he’d have to try to be optimistic just like you, if only for your sake. 

well, one thing’s for sure: hitoya was going to stay by your side throughout it all, no matter what would happen. 

[emveepea]

A year ago today, I had a panic attack. I had never had one before, and I didn't recognize what it was at first. The entire week leading up to new year's eve (and I guess the months leading up to the end of the year really), my mental health spiraled. I had to make the tough choice of leaving my job in 2020 because I just didn't feel safe where I was. I was working and living away from my family at a place that didn't enforce its own or the state's covid policies. I kept feeling stressed, wondering what would happen if I got sick or if my family members far away got sick but I wouldn't be able to help them. But not having a job meant I wouldn't have healthcare in a country that wouldn't provide it since I was leaving my job voluntarily. And so many conservative-leaning family members of mine truly didn't know that or understand. They really thought I could just sign up and get free healthcare since I was unemployed. But that's not how even the expanded unemployment insurance worked at the time-you had to be let go or fired, and you did not qualify if you left voluntarily. And since I moved back to Mississippi, which has some of the stricted and narrowest eligibility requirements for things like food stamps and medicaid, even living off just my husband's grad student salary was just high enough to disqualify us for any govt assistance.

So with 2021 looming, having no job, no healthcare, having to deal with anti-mask conservative family, and being in Mississippi, who had at that time just lifted it's state-wide mask mandate, I truly couldn't see what there was to celebrate. Sure, vaccines were promising, but the pandemic was still raging and getting worse and it suddenly being 2021 wouldn't change that.

I couldn't have imagined a year later that I'd not only be vaxxed but triple vaxxed. I couldn't see myself employed and us having moved to live in a new state. Things did get better in 2021 for me personally, and I truly can say I'm in a better place mentally.

The scar of that 2020 new year's eve still hurts though. I could feel myself slipping this whole past week into that same existential dread I felt a year ago. Just the thought that we're about to be in a new year again but still in a pandemic with, again, no new public health policies to help mitigate the spread other than "well do what you personally can, cause we ain't gonna make any big and hard decisions. It's *recommended* to wear a mask and getting vaccinated but we can't tell you what to do."

Talking with friends and having a day job (well sort of afternoon job actually heh heh) has helped me stay sane, so I signed up to work new year's eve so I can stay distracted while the day can fly by. I hate that what the pandemic has stolen from me is the ability to optimistic and hopeful for the future. All I've ever wanted in my life is to live on my own terms, where I feel safe and have the space and grace to be myself and have a "normal" life after the traumatic childhood I had. Maybe one day, I can dare to dream again, but for now, I'm just tired. I'm tired of having to endure one hardship after another and to live another year in an "uncontrollable" pandemic. That's why I just want today to be a normal work day, where I get up and go through my now familiar routine of getting ready for work.

The only difference today is I'm making semi-traditional comfort food for nye: my family's recipe for beef veggie soup made with beef, canned veggies, kale, and most importantly black eyed peas to satisfy all the southern nye food requirements of (not) corned beef, (not) cabbage, and black eyed peas. Wth a side of savory and buttery cornbread, just how I like it.

I am thankful for the little things like being able to make these comfort foods, and for having a job that actually has policies in place and actually enforces them to keep me safe. For pushing myself to start therapy this year to deal with my childhood demons that keep haunting me as well as bad coping habits that helped when I was a kid but aren't healthy for me now as an adult. I know, objectively, things will get better and that I will get better and feel better, too. It's hard to feel that way right now, but I'm gonna try to just keep telling myself that.

[pupvivi]

Based on this

When Sana moved away from home to go to university, she expected a few things to happen. She expected to be home sick, she expected to make new friends, and she expected to eventually fall in love.

What she didn't expect was to be swept literally off her feet by one Son Chaeyoung. She's heard about her, how could she not, she was the talk of the University. Even with how large it was, and how a vast variety of humans and non humans attended, somehow she was still the talk of the town.

They said to avoid her, that she's only good enough to a one night stand. Others say she has connections in hell and that if you're on her shit list your days are numbered.

And yet, Sana caught her eye. They had a mutual class, and as an ice breaker their professor had them draw numbers. Whoever had the same number as you, was going to be your partner for the semester.

Everyone was dreading the idea of being partnered with Chaeyoung. Everyone but Sana. Surely she couldn't be that bad, if she was that much of a threat the school would expell her, right?

Nonetheless, with her optimistic view, she ended up partnered with the demon, who simply gave her a once over and a toothy grin.

Sana should have known there would be trouble from that point on.

--

Sure she had an attitude, but when everyone is always gossiping about you, it was bound to happen that Chaeyoung snapped at someone while trying to study with Sans. Even going as far as to give her partner a warning and apologize in advance, before turning and yelling at the idiots who were talking about her.

Sana watched in amusement as her tail flicked behind her in irritation. It was cute. Not that she would voice that. It was a miracle that Chaeyoung didn't snap at her, as she seems to have a low tolerance for a lot of things.

"Anyway, I think we're about to get kicked out of here. Can we continue at your place?" Chaeyoung started packing up quickly, before Sana could even reply. With a nod, Sana followed suit, ignoring the looks of sympathy shot in her direction.

She really wasn't that bad. She didn't understand.

"Hey," Sana couldn't help but jump when she was addressed on the way out. Chaeyoung eyes were dark, she couldn't tell what the demon was thinking, but the half smirk was kinda soothing. Maybe. Sana didn't know. "You don't have to worry about me, I don't mess with pretty girls."

Sana blinked, before awkwardly coughing into her hand, trying her best to mask a blush. That didn't just happen. Chaeyoung didn't just flirt with her.

--

Chaeyoung never disguised her intentions with Sana. From the second she saw her, she was drawn to the human. Her figure was beautiful, her lips were just being to be kissed, and Chaeyoung actually felt her nature kicking her. She wanted her. For just one night or for longer, she wouldn't know until she had Sana is her grasps, withering under her tongue, mewling her name.

"You've been on that page for 7 minutes." Sana cleared her throat, gaining Chaeyoung's attention. It was true, she was still on the same page, but she could care less about chemistry right now. She rather explore their dynamic. "What's distracting you? I know this isn't the most exciting subject, but-"

Chaeyoung shushed her with a finger in her lips, her eyes taking in Sana again. She wanted- No, she needed to kiss her. "You are distracting me. I've never seen anyone so beautiful in my life, I can't focus on anything or anyone but you."

Sana was once again left speechless. Shifting in her seat, she closed her textbook, Chaeyoung letting her fall to the ground. Eyes flicking from where her finger was, she let her hand drop, and instead she shifted closer. "Can I kiss you, I feel like I'm going insane."

Knowing she had the power to tell her no, but instead Sana nodded, she wanted to know. Just what was so dangerous about Son Chaeyoung.

The kiss was explosive. Hot, intoxicating, it left Sana wanting more. Chaeyoung wasnt fairing any better, shedding her jacket so that she could feel more of Sana against her. Her tail coiling around Sana's waist, as a deep rumble bubbled out of her chest. "Fuck." She hissed, against her lips.

Chaeyoung pulled back like she was burned, needing to pull back her desires. Sana was left gasping, face flushed as she too was left a mess. Her panties flooded from one simple kiss.

[dvlwthn]

“  we’re  one  with  the  sea  .  ”

Is that NOAH CENTINEO? No, that’s just ATLAS LAVEAU. They were born on 09/05/96 and are a MERMAID living in Northknot Town. They work as a SWIM INSTRUCTOR at Good Vibrations Gym. Some say they're PROTECTIVE and INTELLIGENT, but I’ve heard others say they're EMOTIONAL and BLUNT. When you think of HIM, don’t you think of SUNSHINE AFTER RAIN, OCEANS SO BLUE YOU CAN’T LOOK AWAY, LOYALTY SO STRONG IT CAN’T BE BROEKN?

A E S T H E T I C

swimming  to  the  bottom  of  the  ocean  .  peace  in  the  silence  .  the  sound  of  clicking  from  a  keyboard  .  mind  always  wondering  .  leaving  words  of  poetry  behind  everywhere  .  carrying  a  notebook  around  for  no  one  to  see  .  stopping  in  the  middle  of  something  to  write  something  down  .  unbreakable  loyalty  .  kind  smiles  ,  forgiving  nature  .

Q U O T E S

“  you  must  always  remember  this  :  have  courage  ,  and  be  kind .  you  have  more  kindness  in  your  little  finger  than  most  people  possess  in  their  whole  body  .  and  it  has  power  .  more  than  you  know  .  ”   –  brittany candau. “  i  see  myself  forever  and  ever  as  the  ridiculous  [ person ]  ,  the  lonely  soul  ,  the  wanderer  ,  the  restless  frustrated  artist  ,  the  person  in  love  [  with  love  ]  ,  always  in  search  of  the  absolute  ,  always  seeking  the  unattainable  .  ”   –  henry miller. “  i’m  with  you  in  rockland  . . .  where  we  are  great  writers  on  the  same  dreadful  typewriter  .  ”   –  allen ginsberg .

M U S I C    P L A Y E R

“   and  i  can't  sleep  .  i'm  up  at  night  ,  you're  in  my  ear  and  i'm  alright  .  i’m  trying  not  to  put  it  on  the  line  .  and  i  am  so  tired  of  losing  sleep  .  i  just  want  to  keep  you  around  .  you  make  me  feel  alright  .  you  make  me  feel  alright  .  you  make  me  feel  like  everything  is  gonna  be  just  fine  .  ”   just fine by spookyghostboy. “   je  veux  de  l'amour  ,  de  la  joie  ,  de  la  bonne  humeur  .  ce  n'est  pas  votre  argent  qui  fera  mon  bonheur  .  moi  je  veux  crever  la  main  sur  le  cœur  .  allons  ensemble  ,  découvrir  ma  liberté  .  oubliez  donc  tous  vos  clichés  bienvenue  dans  ma  réalité  .  ”   je veux by zaz. “   sometimes  there's  bullshit  that  don't  work  now  .  we  all  got  our  stories  but  please  tell  me  what  there  is  to  complain  about  .  when  you're  happy  like  a  fool  ,  let  it  take  you  over  .  when  everything  is  out  ,  you  gotta  take  it  in  .  oh  ,  this  has  gotta  be  the  good  life  .  ”   good life by onerepublic.

P E R S O N A L I T Y

+ intelligent, protective, and kind

- sometimes too optimists, blunt, and emotional

atlas has been through a lot of hurt. however, unlike most people he hasn’t let it change him. people take his kindness as a weakness but he see’s it as a strength... that he won’t let anyone change him no matter how cruel they can be. he wants to believe that people aren’t all bad, sometimes he tries a little too hard to believe that. but he isn’t naive either when it came to what he expected from other people. the man isn’t oblivious, he just likes to try to have hope. to not expect the worst from people until they give him no other choice to. sometimes, he also can’t help himself and is a little blunt. he never does it to be rude or hurt anyone’s feelings... it’s just he is protective and will call someone out on something in order to protect them. also the little pretentious writer in him sometimes makes him unable to stop himself from just saying certain things as they are. 

H E A D C A N O N S

001. atlas henrik laveau never knew his father, not that he ever cared about that. the boy was a huge mama’s boy. his mother was the strongest person he knew. growing up with only his mother, and his two step sisters. . . atlas grew up seeing the strength in women and couldn’t be prouder of his family.  002. however, being the only boy, atlas did always want a little brother. and he found that in a young boy whose family lived near his. it started with him just being asked to watch the young boy (eric) but eventually turned into him adoring the kid like his little brother. his family and friends all know how atlas saw the young boy and welcomed him themselves as well. 003. atlas prided himself on learning as much as he could on anything and everything. about his world under the sea and the world above. human, vampires, werewolves, witches, etc. he wanted to be ready for when he moved to the land above, it was always part of his plan. plus, he wanted to help his hybrid best friend as much as he could. 004. when he was younger, atlas’ favourite thing had always been writing and telling stories. he was always a creative person and enjoyed sharing all of his ideas. due to this, atlas was known for always thinking outside the box. 005. he ended up going through a hard time when eric was killed. it had been a day that he was asked to go watch the young boy, but he couldn’t do it. so eric’s parents moved their day around and stayed with him. atlas had finished his day early was was going to go surprise the boy and maybe offer to help out so the parents could do whatever else they could. however, when he arrived, he found the entire family had been murdered. atlas took it really hard and blamed himself. he even stopped talking for a couple of months. he spoke to NO ONE and the only person who could get some type of reaction out of him had been his best friend. 006. at the right age, atlas wasted no time in getting his ring so he could travel above land. he didn’t make the move just yet, cause he wasn’t fully ready to leave his family. but mars and him traded off on who was visiting who. he loved the land and wishes his family felt the same, but they loved the ocean too much. so he stayed for awhile longer before eventually making the move all together. though he does visit his family still. family is everything to the man. 007. he’s currently working at the gym as a swim  instructor, but he only does that while working on his book. everything is looking well for him, he already has publishers who want to work with him. he just needs to make a choice and small changes to his book that he feels he didn’t write correctly. he’s very excited about what’s to come.

C O N N E C T I O N S

BEST FRIEND. these two grew up together and have always been close. they’ve always seen each other as family and don’t keep secrets from one another. atlas knows he can tell mars anything and never be judged, just like she can do with him.   [ TAKEN ; marcelline ]

CLOSE FRIENDS. these would be the people he goes to that isn’t mars. probably someone who is a little more like him. at least in the sense where they are more kind and forgiving compared to most of the people in town. they could meet when atlas got to town and kind of just hit it off. or just sometime since he’s been around and just grew close kinda quickly. i just want him to have a couple of people he’s really close with.   [ 1/2 (could be down for three) ; tabitha ]

CO-WORKER. ever hear of a work wife/husband? that’s what this person is to atlas. they are very close and are always there to help each other. their other co-workers tease them about acting like a married couple at work, but it really is just a platonic friendship.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

EX GIRLFRIEND. i would really love one of those obvious jealous exes who broke up with their boyfriend due to him being so close to their best (girl) friend. so this person, whom atlas loved so much, really didn’t like how close atlas was to mars and grew tired of people making assumptions about him and mars. it eventually got to the point of them telling atlas to pick between them and his best friend. they didn’t realise how much atlas actually LOVED them. now, however, atlas can’t see them the same and they act very bitter toward each other.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

CRUSH. someone atlas has a bit of a crush on. they don’t need to return the feelings. this is just someone he really admires but never acts on his feelings because he doesn’t want to ruin their friend ship. *bonus points though if they do return his feelings and they are thinking the same way he is. that they are worried about ruining the friendship too.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

EX BOYFRIEND. they were friends first and things kind of just happened. it was one of those relationships that just made sense. however, after a few months, this person decided they just wanted to be friends. while it hurt atlas, he understood and agreed. yet since then, the two are just awkward around each other. atlas still has a soft spot for this person and wishes they could actually be friends again.   [ OPEN ; xx ] 

DISLIKE. atlas tried to get along with everyone, he really does. but this person just DOESN’T like him and atlas isn’t too upset about it. they rub him the wrong way anyways. or maybe it’s vice versa. . . atlas can’t stand them? they rub him the wrong way and he just CAN’T see past it.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

[hotchley]

🐨 Hello hello! It’s been a minute! I kinda forgot to send stuff. Let’s see, what’s going on….

In three months, I turn eighteen, and in five months (how is it only five months??) I graduate high school. That is insane and a little terrifying. Like, I’m ready to be done with high school, but at least I know high school, you know? College is an unknown variable and I don’t know what’ll happen. I’m optimistic about it, but it’s hard not to be dreading it a bit.

The poetry is going well! I had another poem accepted by a literary magazine, which I was super excited about. Speech is also going well. I’m giving a speech about heteronormativity, and it’s been really amazing to get to talk about something that I care about so much and have people listen. I’ve tried to explain to so many people so many times what heteronormativity is and why it drives me crazy, so it’s nice to feel like I’m actually doing something, even if it’s something small as a speech.

Oh! Guess what? I won my first ever speech tournament!! We were in another state and me and my roommates stayed up watching late night shows because I love those, and it turns out they do too! And the road trip was chaotic and amazing. Hearing my name called as first place and my teammates cheering and getting a standing ovation (that’s just speech etiquette, but still felt very cool!) was seriously amazing.

I’ve finished all my college applications, so now I just wait. I’ve heard back from a few…all positive so far, but there’s one with a 6% acceptance rate that’s my dream school but it’s insanely hard to get into. I’m thinking I’ll go into journalism. I love writing, and I want to do something that’ll help people/make a difference, so. It seems like a good option. But I have four years of college to figure that out, haha.

I’ve always wondered the difference between a barrister and a solicitor! In America, we have different types of lawyers like attorneys and prosecutors. It can get a bit confusing.

I get to go to a wedding in a few months! My karate senseis. We’ve known they’re getting married for awhile, but we got our official invitations at class last night, so that was cool. I’ve never been to a wedding before, except for one when I was 4 that I don’t really remember. Both the senseis are really awesome people, so I’m excited to get to go and celebrate them.

I was looking through your other blog again…I still adore your writing. Your poetry is so powerful. It definitely inspires me and my writing! And I’m still keeping a Happy Jar on my phone :)

Hi. Hi. Hi. Ummmmm... there is no reason for why I haven't answered asks apart from the simple: I haven't. I have no idea when you sent this but it was an embarrassing amount of time ago. I am hoping it hasn't been three months?

It's always terrifying! I felt the same way because I spent seven years at the school. I was genuinely terrified I wouldn't be able to handle being away from there because they have always kept me okay. But it's been several months since I left and I'm doing okay. Things settled. So be cautiously optimistic, and like I always tell kiddos, your education will always be waiting for you when you're ready. That's how it works. So there's never a rush.

Ah that's so good! I'm so glad you get to do it on something you like. And it's not just a speech. When I was in year eight, I did a speech workshop that was also a competition and I talked for a minute about the value of a human life. People cried. People three years later still remembered it. Our words, whether written or in passing, impact people. Something my friend said months ago that she's forgotten about has stuck with me. It'll be a good speech. It will have impact.

And congratulations on winning!! That's amazing and so cool and you really deserved it!

Journalism is so cool! I mean, you've tried to get in. Rejection is always hard, and if it happens, you need to let yourself feel sad and cry and whatever, but the knowledge that you didn't get in is infinitely better than the sadness of not even trying. I promise.

It's more that barristers go to court and solicitors usually don't. The main reason there hasn't been fusion is because of tradition and also the way people are paid is different- barristers are self-employed, solicitors usually aren't etc.

I LOVE WEDDINGS! I went to two last year, and I also went to the pre-wedding functions which was an experience. One was my cousin- her and her husband are the sweetest- and the other was my dad's friends daughter. That was during my A-Levels, which was chaos, but it was also my first English wedding so that was super cool! Weddings are fun for me because i love love and speeches and the dressing up and aah.

Awww. I think that's the nicest compliment I've ever been given about my writing! The Happy Jar has migrated to a notebook for 2023 and it's much, much easier now so the phone was the way to go!