#i have never felt dread like i feel now i'm the optimistic one and i'm sobbing bc i can't see a way out

[deplcythebattery]

vent tags

[kimingyuslover]

shattered promises

synopsis: in a relationship marked by constant arguments and unfulfilled promises, you seek clarity from Jeonghan about your future together.

word count: 1,543 & some edits

genre: angst

warning: tears, jeonghan is an asshole, 6 and a half year relationship!!! lowercase intended

a.n: kinda rushed ending(?), i had a writer block while making this t__t, hope y'all enjoy this, also i finally updated something on my account lol

argument after argument keeps happening inside of your relationship with him, whether it's because of something small or big.

in the past, these fights would simmer down after a few hours, ending with whispered apologies and lingering touches. but now, things feel different. after years of cycling through the same frustrations, you find yourself standing at a crossroads. you need clarity, certainty, something more.

"do you plan on taking our relationship to a serious level?" you ask, breath shaking, and your voice seems to waver.

he's silent, not wanting to answer your question, because he knew he'd say the same thing– he's not ready.

you sigh, the weight of his unspoken words crashing down on you. quietly, you retreat to your shared bedroom and pull out a large suitcase. slowly, methodically, you begin packing your belongings.

while Jeonghan stays seated on the living room couch, his mind running hundreds of miles per hour, he just needs to wait for your reaction. either you'll lock yourself in your shared bedroom like you always do or the worst thing that he could ever imagine, you broke the relationship you have with him.

Jeonghan, initially optimistic that the argument will blow over like before, realises with dread that this time it's different.

His stomach churns at the thought of the worst-case scenario: you leaving him for good.

minutes later, he hears the unmistakable sound of luggage being dragged. alarmed, Jeonghan rushes to the staircase, his heart pounding. at the top of the stairs, he sees you—three suitcases packed and ready.

"no, no, no," he mutters under his breath. He wasn’t expecting this. the arguments were familiar territory, something you always overcame. he thought this would be no different.

"I've made up my mind" you said to him, still a little struggling carrying all of your suitcases.

Jeonghan's eyes widen in panic. the woman he thought he’d love forever is walking out of his life, and he doesn’t know how to stop it.

“you're everything i want, Jeonghan–

you pause, the usual softness in your voice replaced with quiet resignation. no more "baby." bo more "my love." none of the pet names he adored so much.

"You’ve always told me I’m ‘the one,’ but I’ve never felt like it. I’ve tried to hold on, but I can’t just survive anymore—I need to live. I love you, Jeonghan. I really do. I always will."

your words hang in the air, heavy with finality.

Jeonghan opens his mouth to speak but quickly closes it again, realizing he has no answer—nothing that can undo the years of uncertainty he’s put you through.

"You’ve been inconsistent," you continue, tears threatening to spill. "We’ve been together almost seven years, and you still tell me you’re not ready for something serious. I told you, from the start, that I wanted more by the time we hit four years. But I’ve been waiting... and hoping... and I just can’t do it anymore."

“but i guess i'm hoping too much, i shouldn't be putting hope to you when i first asked you at our 5 year anniversary, it may be selfish of me for thinking this way, thinking that maybe you want to be wed to me as much as i want to be wed to you, i'm always wrong. thank you for the memory though, i've learned a lot from this” with that you drag your suitcases and walk past Jeonghan whose legs are pinned to the floor, even when he heard the closing of that one door.

You still hope, deep down, that he’ll chase after you, beg you to stay, promise to change. But as the seconds turn into minutes, and the minutes stretch into ten, the apartment door remains closed behind you.

By the time the elevator reaches the ground floor, you know—he’s not coming.

You step into the night, flagging down a taxi to take you away from the place that once felt like home.

.........................

meanwhile, Jeonghan is still seated at his couch, replaying every word you say to him earlier. His brain is still processing everything that happens, the argument, confusion, and regret fully filling his head.

all he knows is, the next second, his brain finishes, swallowing every piece of information he got, tears already staining both of his cheek, and it's too late to chase you.

he hurriedly searches for his phone, wanting to call you, but he halts his movement, thinking that you would want some space after the big argument.

so he didn't call you.

.........................

Three and a half years pass.

Jeonghan steps off the plane at Incheon Airport, his sleek black hair neatly styled, his black trousers and white button-up making him look polished yet distant. he’s returned from Italy, where work projects with Woozi kept him occupied, but no matter how far he went, he could never escape the thoughts of you.

he's hoping that this time, you will gave him another chance, because he's ready now, to be in a serious commitment with you.

in fact, he already has the ring on him, he just has to find you again, making you his again and you will live happily ever after.

arriving at the old apartment, he feels a strange mix of hope and dread. he’s never let go of the memories you shared there, good or bad.

he picked up his mail from the receptionist, giving him a smile before walking to the lift carrying his things.

A few minutes pass and he finally arrives at his apartment.

after he takes a shower and gets dressed, he wants to start opening his mail one by one, but something catches his eyes, an envelope with your name on it.

for a fleeting moment, his heart leaps. but then he notices another name below yours: Choi Seungcheol.

he opens it, and he doesn't even think he can handle his heart breaks again, but it does happen.

it was your wedding invitation, with that man.

all of his hope was getting crushed by the simple “we're getting married!” text inside of the invitation and the pre-wedding photos of you and seungcheol.

the photos show you and Seungcheol, radiant and in love. the invitation is beautiful, but it feels like a dagger to his heart.

all of it was beautiful, but it's not him who you married, it was not your wedding invitation, it was not his intention when he came back overseas.

the things he had in his mind long gone, only filled with the regret that starts to fill up his body painfully slowly.

he curses under his breath, tears streaming down his face, nothing can't stop it anymore, his sobs are getting louder.

.........................

days later, Jeonghan finds himself seated in a church pew, his hands clasped tightly together. the music begins, and all eyes turn toward the doors. You appear, arm-in-arm with your father, wearing the wedding dress you once described to him as your dream. you look breathtaking.

the music starts to play, all the guests turn around to see the big door opens then there's you and your father. The gown fits your form gracefully with the veil covering your face and there's crown on your head.

you really look like a princess, and Jeonghan remember that you had told him that this is your wedding dream look.

lots of guests start tearing up, including him.

tears well in Jeonghan’s eyes, though not from joy like the other guests. he watches as you walk down the aisle, each step taking you further away from the life you once shared with him.

everything feels like it's going slow, the way you walk down the aisle delicately with your father by your side while holding a bouquet of your favourite flowers and seeing your fiancé ahead with the officiant, the slow music fills the air and makes this scene even more beautiful.

and god, you're so gorgeous in that dress, a smile etching both at yours and seungcheol's face, happy moments really shared through the air.

after the officiant announces you as wife and husband, seungcheol launches at you, kissing you deeply while Jeonghan and the other guests clapping and smiling, except his was fake.

your "I love you"s and shared smiles are beautiful, but they aren’t meant for him.

morning turns into evening, the sun finally gets tired and decides that it was the right time to get some sleep while the moon is rising to replace the sun's work.

all the people you invite watching you slow-dance with the one you love.

Jeonghan swallows the lumps in his throat with a shot of vodka while seeing you with seungcheol, his heart burns and so does his body.

this time, his heart is shattered, he knows he loves you but he has to let you go, because you're someone else’s now.

you're not his girlfriend anymore and you will never be again, he regrets not being able to fix his mistakes, and he regrets not being able to be your husband so he can be by your side as long as you live.

he will mourn every single day of his life until he dies, the pain of missed chances, and unfulfilled promises will always haunt him

[chaoscradle]

assigning GUTS songs to stranger things characters (i know this has been done a ton of times already but i'm doing it anyway):

all-american bitch: nancy

"I know my age and I act like it"

"I'm a perfect all-american bitch"

"I know my place, I know my place, and this is it"

"I'm the eternal optimist, I scream inside to deal with it"

"I pay attention to things most people ignore"

(el could also work with this one, but i felt like with the whole nuclear family thing the wheelers have going on that nancy fits better)

bad idea right?: max

"'I only see him as a friend' the biggest lie I ever said"

"can't two people reconnect?"

"but god, when I look at you, my brain goes 'ah', can't hear my thoughts"

vampire: joyce

"every girl I talked to told me you were bad, bad news"

"you're so convincing, how do you lie without flinching?"

"I've made some real big mistakes, but you make the worst one look fine"

"the way you sold me for parts"

"you said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? you can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart"

"I loved you truly. gotta laugh at the stupidity"

lacy: el

"I linger all the time, watchin', hidden in plain sight"

"aren't you the sweetest thing on this side of hell?"

"I feel your compliments like bullets on skin"

"and I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you"

ballad of a homeschooled girl: mike

"and I hate all my clothes, feels like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones"

"the party's done, and I'm no fun, I know I know, I know, I know"

"I made it weird, I made it worse"

"everything I do is tragic"

"I'm shocked I'm still alive"

(this could also work for robin tbh)

making the bed: mike

"another perfect moment that doesn't feel like mine, another thing I forced to be a sign"

"push away all the people who know me the best"

"every good thing has turned into something I dread"

"and I tell someone I love them, just as a distraction"

logical: will (psa this is from will's pov i don't think any of this of mike)

"come for me like a savior, and I'd put myself through hell for you"

"and I fell for you like rain falls from a February sky, but now the current's stronger and I couldn't get out if I tried"

"oh, why do I do this? I look so stupid thinking two plus two equals five, and I'm the love of your life"

"'cause if rain don't pour and sun don't shine, then changing you is possible"

"you lied, you lied, you lied"

"I guess love is never logical"

"the sky is green, the grass is red, and you mean all those words you said"

"I know I'm half responsible, and that makes me feel horrible"

"I know I could've stopped it all, god why didn't I stop it all?"

"'cause loving you is loving every argument you held over my head"

get him back!: max (NOT about lumax, just how she'd handle a different breakup)

"I want sweet revenge, I want him again"

"do I love him? do I hate him? I guess it's up and down"

"I wanna make him really jealous, I wanna make him feel bad"

"I wanna break his heart, then be the one to stitch it up"

"I wanna meet his mom, just to tell her her son sucks"

love is embarrassing: will

"and then, you kissed some girl from high school"

"waited by my phone like a goddamn fool"

"god, love's embarrassing as hell"

"and I consoled you while you cried over your ex-girlfriend's new guy" (minus the new guy part)

"you found a new version of me"

"I give up, I give up, but I keep comin' back for more"

the grudge: lucas

"how could anyone do the things you did so easily?"

"I try to be tough, I try to be mean, but even after all this, you're still everything to me, and I know you don't care, I guess that's fine"

"one phone call from you and my entire world was changed"

"and I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did, but I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it"

"and I know in my heart, hurt people hurt people"

(this song doesn't 100% represent lucas and max's relationship in s4 imo but it comes the closest)

pretty isn't pretty: el

"there's always something in the mirror that I think looks wrong"

"when pretty isn't pretty enough, what do you do?"

"I could change up my body and change up my face, I could try every lipstick in every shade, but I'd always feel the same"

"fix the thing you hated, and you'd still feel insecure"

"I chased some dumb ideal my whole fucking life, and none of it matters and none of it ends"

teenage dream: will

"they all say that it gets better, it gets better, but what if I don't?"

"when am I gonna stop being wise beyond my years and just start being wise?"

"I'll blow out the candles, happy birthday to me" (birthdaygate)

"but I fear that they already got all the best parts of me"

"will I spend all the rest of my years wishin' I could go back?"

[nancypullen]

Back to Reality

I've always been a homebody, a nester. Few things make me happier than a cozy, sweet home and a pot of soup bubbling on the stove. After ten wonderful days in France we flew home (well, that took an extra day) and slipped back into our daily routine. After a good night's sleep I made a grocery run, came home and tossed in travel laundry, then got busy on a pot of vegetable soup. Not gonna' lie, France is better. Denton stinks. One positive note, when we arrived home and turned onto our little cul-de-sac the autumn color was bursting into its glory.

It's like lifting the lid of a treasure chest full of jewels. Oh, I love it! I'm stuffing myself with salads, trying to cleanse my body of all of the gloriously rich French food. There's not one bite I regret. I do regret not bringing home a variety of butters. There are actual butter stores in France where you can buy butters infused with any flavor you can imagine. French butter is already vastly more delicious than our supermarket stuff, but imagine it combined with your favorite herbs, spices, or sweet flavors. They'll vacuum seal it for you if you're traveling. I talked myself out of hauling a suitcase full of butter home, but I'm still thinking about it. Shallot butter, vanilla butter, chili butter, smoked salt butter, citrus butter, truffle butter, I can't even remember the hundreds of flavors.

Their butter has more fat and less water than our American butter, and I'm sure there's some other magic involved, and I'm convinced that if it was distributed worldwide we would finally have peace. Everyone would be happy. *sigh* That said, now that I am back in the land of instant everything, I am not enjoying a buttery quiche for breakfast. The French would cry if they saw my morning "meal".

Yep, a protein shake with an extra scoop of collagen powder. Reality sucks. I'm just going to mention that life expectancy in the U.S. is 77.5 and in France it's 82.3. Maybe we should eat the butter.

In other news, Mickey has a cold. Thoughts and prayers are appreciated. If he doesn't make it I'll post the funeral info here. I should probably shop for a black dress. I've threatened him with bodily harm if he keeps coughing and breathing on me. Halloween is just days away and I intend to enjoy it with my grandgirl. So there you have it, we're back and everything is normal (ish). The kitties were thrilled to see us and are still in our faces 24/7, reminding us that we abandoned them. The cat sitter babies them, talks to them, lets them choose their own dinner, and they still act as if we left them to waste away. Drama queens. I have a dental check-up tomorrow and I never expect anything good to come of that. I brush and floss constantly, yet they always find enough work in my mouth to send their kids to college. I'm dreading it. After that it's mammogram time. The fun never ends.

I received our Xmas cards in the mail and realized that it's just 63 days until Santa comes. Good grief. Election day is just 13 days away, and that's terrifying. The day after the election I'm flying to Florida to visit my mom. My sister will meet me there and we'll have some girl time. I'm hoping we all feel relieved and not gut punched. Do I dare hope? I'm a silver lining seeker, a lifeboat singer, an eternal optimist - but I have to admit the last couple of years have stomped on that. Hard. I keep begging the universe to show me just how good things can be, trying to manifest the good. It does feel like there's a wave of positive energy, of goodness, sweeping the country - but I felt that once before and we ended up with an orange con man in the Oval Office. He's a liar, a grifter, a narcissist, an adjudicated rapist, a pervert, a 34 times convicted felon, he tried to steal a free and fair election, and there are still idiots who say, "That's my guy!" Even if you can ignore his criminal history and his lies, he's not a smart man. He doesn't even understand how our government operates. He can't grasp basic science. It's absolutely beyond me how anyone thinks he's in any way fit to lead. If you're one of those people, this blog is not for you. Move on. I've always been a promoter of unity, finding our similarities rather than our differences, respecting the beliefs and views of others even if I feel the opposite. Not anymore. This is not remotely about liberal vs conservative or Republican vs Democrat, this is not about policy at all. This is about decency. If, after everything he has done, you're still a Trumper, then I see who you are at your core. You may play nice in public or move through your days doing good acts, but at the end of the day you're okay with racism, misogyny, and cruelty. Deep down you truly think that someone who has a different skin tone, loves a same sex partner, or immigrated here seeking the American dream, is somehow LESS than you. That they deserve fewer rights and unfair treatment, the opposite of what this country is supposed to stand for. I'm so tired of the mean-spirited and ugly rhetoric being paraded around as patriotism. It's the opposite. Okay, okay. Getting off my soap box. I hope that you're making an educated choice in the voting booth. I hope that you're thinking of daughters who have fewer rights than their mothers did, grandparents who rely on Social Security, and what our future will look like if an ignorant wanna-be dictator with selfish, cruel intent regains power.

Think I'm being dramatic? These are photos of women in Iran in the 1970's - studying at university and window shopping, wearing the fashions of the day.

Here's the women of Iran now. In 1979 it became the law that all women must wear the hijab or face arrests and beatings. That was just the beginning.

All it takes is one mad man and his minions. Don't let that happen. From French butter to human rights, that sounds about right for this blog. I sit down at the laptop, crack open my brain, and shake everything out. Take what you want, leave the rest for the crows.

I think I'll sit at my desk and address Xmas cards. I'm cursing myself by getting an early start, aren't I ? Just asking for trouble. Maybe I'll make art instead. I'm in the mood to paint something. I hope that your day is sunny and positive. Treat yourself today, whether that's a cookie or a new nail polish - just a little bit of happy goes a long way. Sending out lots of love, I hope you feel it. Stay safe, stay well. XOXO, Nancy

[knowltonsrangers]

theoretically pt.7

Benjamin Tallmadge x F!reader

first , prev

Caleb never asked if you got seasick, expertly drawing the boat to the shoreline and jumping inside. The man hummed a tune you didn't know as he offered you his hand, swaying gently as the waves bobbed to the coast unanimously.

“Thanks,���

Your hand finds his, his unused hand grabbing your opposite elbow to steady your balance.

"You seem like you’re good friends with the Major,"

Small talk is awkward, but if it meant to carry on a conversation longer than a question and an answer, you would entertain the notion.

"I would sure hope so. Been friends since we were kids,"

“That’s sweet,”

You mean it wholeheartedly, something you hope translates with a small smile on your lips.

Then, your own feet betray you, unceremoniously tripping onboard the small boat as Caleb lunges to catch you.

"I said I'd take care of ya, y/n, can't do that with you in the drink,"

Swallowing thickly, you nod, regaining your footing before sitting down, gasping slightly at how unstable and unsafe all of this felt.

“Speaking of,”

You catch his attention as he looks over to you curiously, seated across from you as he halts his digging through his bag.

"I think Benjamin’s just about had it with me,"

You sigh as he pulls the rope free, the boat officially leaving the shore in one swift motion.

"What makes ya say that?"

"Well, for one, he's incredibly insistent that I leave here. And he doesn't seem to like my jokes."

You only mean the second half as a poor attempt at a jest, yet Caleb begins to seriously mull the two reasonings over, gathering the oars in his hands as he begins to row.

"Nah, don't think of it that way, y/n. He's sendin' you away to protect ya, and I think in my entire life I've seen Ben genuinely laugh six times."

He pauses.

"Maybe seven."

"I can't help it that humor is my defense mechanism. Or coping mechanism.”

You hesitate, then include:

“Or both."

"If I could see it your way, y/n, I'm positive I'd understand."

"Yeah, I can empathize with that."

There's a pause, and you find yourself frowning slightly, every time your mind wanders to the fact you are scarce out of ideas to find your way home from here.

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

You whisper, hands coming to your upper arms as if to instinctively hold yourself. Caleb laughs, then takes a good look at the expression on your face and realizes you aren't kidding.

"No, no! Not ta me, at least. Interestin’, that’s a way I'd call the situation."

“Thanks.”

The warble in your tone is enough to make you physically cringe.

“That means a lot,”

There’s a beat of silence before the brunette presses onwards.

"May I ask you somethin', y/n?"

You swallow thickly, shaking the feeling of dread away for a moment, gently bobbing your head up and down to usher him onwards.

“Why didn’t you listen in yer history class?”

Your eyebrows raise, and then your mind reels. That would be an excellent question that you don't have the heart to tell the man, so you opt for an ambiguous answer instead.

“I…I don’t know. I guess before now, I didn’t have a good reason to.”

“Well, makes me think that if there’s a class to teach, means we’re doin’ somethin’ right.”

“You’re an optimist. That’s a good way to look at it.”

“Not that I’m known for my great ideas or nothin’.”

The trip across the sound was full of mindless chatter, and one thing you appreciated was that Caleb never tried to pry any more information out of you. It was quite nice to just have a simple conversation like it was meeting a new friend, and happy to not be stuck in that tent, nor the endless hours of interrogation.

Once you arrive at the opposite shoreline, it becomes hours of the waiting game. Your chin finds your hand as you sit on the sand, knees drawn to your chest as your clothes bunch and gather uncomfortably.

"I'm due back to get Ben soon. Think you'd be okay for a bit?"

Your head swivels, noting how dark the wooded area had become since you both had arrived upon it.

"He's coming here?"

"Well, yeah. He's gotta tell me what to do with ya, miss."

Caleb snorts, hands on his hips as you sniffle quietly.

"Am I safe? I mean, it seems desolate, but you would know the area better than me,"

The man does a full three-sixty shuffle, eyes scanning the tree line and listening patiently for any movement.

"I'd say so. If someone comes too close, or somethin' rattles in the distance, just keep movin' along the shoreline. S'all connected, I'd find ya."

Your hands run down your pockets, a bit of worry twisting in your stomach at the notion of having nothing on your person.

"Got any spare knives?"

Another joke, but Caleb seemingly contentedly agrees. Shuffling around in his bag, he pulls out a small pocket knife, no bigger than the palm of your hand.

"S'not much, but it's enough to protect yerself."

He hands it to you, and you take it graciously, holding it close to your chest.

"Thank you!"

To you, you have no choice but to happily oblige to any of Caleb's ideas. He was easygoing and downright hilarious, but you can tell just how much he respects Benjamin.

"I promise, even if you come 'cross some lobsterbacks, they wouldn't harm a lady. Just say ya got lost, and ask for the Captain or Major. They'd be able to help you."

His index finger comes to his lips, as if he's about to disclose a secret.

"Jus' don't mention anything about the camp, alright? Yer a patriot now, y/n, don't go switchin' sides."

You stand, wiping the sand from your pants as you go over to Caleb, offering him your pinky. You weren't quite sure if he'd understand what you meant, but almost instantly he locked with yours and shook your interlocked hands once, firmly.

"I promise." "'Atta girl."

And just as quickly as he was in front of you, he was in that boat again, and then in the water, and then...far enough into the fog that you could no longer see him.

"Well, shit."

You kick a rock, praying for the daylight just to hold a little longer. The night hours would be much scarier alone, and you wouldn't find much solace not being able to see your enemy.

"Just another fine predicament, nothing I can't handle." Your fingers run over the pocket knife tucked neatly in your hand, jumping slightly as the crunch of leaves echo within earshot.

"Yeah, right-"

[ddoxhan]

happily ever after

I wished, but wonders only exist in fairytales

word count : 0.7k words

genre : angst; hope was dreadful yet she showed you, wonders

tw : none ?? though it's quite depressing

a/n : uni has been taking a toll on me with assignments and expectations :') trying my best to cope with it and I'm not losing :3 enjoy !!

a day, 24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds. what are the chances that I'd be able to get past these dreadful numbers? and all of them make up only one day out of the many I've endured. I'd try so hard to remind myself that I've got people around me who cherishes my presence so I need to get past these life obstacles. but what if I said, I don't think I deserve to be part of anyone's life because all I am is just a burden and nuisance.

that's just how I've felt, for almost my entire life. if not entire, majority. sometimes I'd get that feeling that I don't deserve to be happy, delighted with the fact that I am so blessed with supportive parents and great friends. I still felt alone, no matter whatever moment we've spent together. It's like I'm bound to this feeling of solitude that would never leave for life, regardless of whether I have people in my life or not.

I've grown tired; tired of whatever life had been throwing at me. when one problem seems to be solved, another kicks in and have me worrying and overthinking it. sometimes it doesn't even need the completion of one problem for another to start. every year, I'd wish for it to be better than the previous one. I'm not even close to half a century and not even to the half of that.

what have I done wrong in my past life? what have I done wrong in this life? why does it feel like I'm being punished for my wrongdoings that I am not aware of? am I not trying hard enough to live this life? every time I throw these questions, there aren't any answers to them. one may think I'm too pessimistic to see the brighter side of life, but was there a brighter side to mine in the first place?

questions with no answer, conversations with no reply, sounds with no echo. emptiness would be the appropriate word to explain whatever I'm feeling right now. I've fought every minute till I feel nothing anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore.

my world revolved around trying to live normally, but was it at the cost of happiness and contentment? trying to live normally only resulted in me being not sociable enough, not striving academically enough, not active enough. just not being enough. I was not enough to be someone who could survive society.

there were days I'd wake up with no worries at the back of my head. however, those days could only stay in the past and never have one again. because I am growing, and I can only wish that I never become an adult as becoming one would only mean I'm expected to suck it up. suck everything up till I'm only just a shell, with nothing else inside of me.

as if I'm not already trying my very best to suck everything up and be the mature one, more problems arise and solutions seem like an impossible achievement. I have only one wish now, is to live normally and see the ending of this eventful life. even if it means at the cost of myself.

at the end of the day, I will end up alone. so why give myself hope that happily ever after was the ending of my story? when every path I took never seemed to be the right one, ning yizhuo, you showed up, brought yourself into my life and just told me that maybe that my pain is a way of life. everyone goes through it but you just had it harder. you gave your everything to the world, then a time where the world gives back to you would come.

you made it seem like my problems were nothing compared when the world was against you. yet you stood your ground and became the best version you could be. being the total opposite of myself, I was attracted to you who was optimistic and strong, both physically and mentally.

and that's when I fell. in love? perhaps. but it didn't just stop there where it grew into admiration. you became my role model in life and it fueled my will to live on.

wonders were only in fairytales but you showed me that fairytales were real.

[yumyumcoldfish]

What Is Life If Not To Live?

An introspective and reflective, personal essay about uncertain thoughts regarding my future.

For a while now, I've been contemplating what I want to do. Mostly unsure and anxious about my future—what might happen, may mangyayari ba even sa future ko (💀)

I've always felt the need to conform to what's supposed to be normal; study hard, get a job (umalis sa bansang to), and be financially stable enough to return my dad's sacrifices. I'm lucky enough to not receive pressuring remarks from my family, never once heard them state what I should be or what I should do in my life. And I'm not blaming anyone, I'm supposed to be responsible for my actions. Maybe it's the lack of guidance I wish was present when I was a child, and even now. Because I feel so lost.

I've been feeling that way for a while now ever since I turned 17. I know things will work out, I've always been the type to be optimistic and confident that things will be okay for me and that it'll all be fine anyways. That I'll graduate, get a job that's at least in my field of interest and have enough money to survive.

But is that it? That's all? Something about that doesn't sit well with me. I want more, I want there to be more because I know there's more than this mundane adult life me and my other peers dread (whether we admit it or not).

Some of you may not see it, some of you may not get what I mean. I don't want to just survive, I want to live.

Adulthood just seems so damn pressuring. I remember the frown that crawled its way out of my lips when I had this conversation with Irha (hi), talking about what we'd do in the future. I remember feeling so crushed when she ever so bluntly broke it to me na kailangang maging practical. It's like a part of me shattered that day when it hit me na whatever I want to do, wouldn't matter if walang pera. And it shifted my mindset ever since.

Every time someone brings up the topic of the future, I'd bring up jobs that are practical or what would bring money. Money, money, money. It's so redundant at this point. I know myself enough to know I'm materialistic, but damn does it seem pointless when I have first-hand experience on receiving money but not my parents' presence (that's a story for another day).

My mindset has shifted so much so that I fail to see the value in day-to-day jobs that are genuinely, and supposedly important to our community. I've been using the word 'lang' when describing a specific job, like 'Ah, ayaw ko maging X lang.' And I know that's extremely disrespectful and offensive.

I was raised to try and reach for the stars, my ego has been honed to make me feel like an individual that's different and even a small step back can make me feel inferior or invaluable, as if I'm not living up to my potential. And I recognize that I still haven't, I'm young after all.

It's also when I realize the charm of simply living, a mundane life. And that's when it hit me. I think I'm done with conforming to what's to be expected of us youth, I've thought about this na ever since I signed up for UPCAT. I don't like psychology anymore. I mean it's interesting to me and I like studying it, but I do not want to pursue it academically. I don't want my life to revolve around a degree that doesn't leave a spark in me.

I've always had a passion for creativity, people close to me know I've always enjoyed writing and many other things. I'm still figuring out what I could pursue, still uncertain, of course. But I'm sure it'll make me happy.

I'm sorry for the long read, this is essentially me yapping (ranting) about something that's been bugging me for a while now and I thought; why not share my thoughts? Maybe this'll give me clarity and maybe, just maybe, I could inspire one of you too to think deeply about what you want to do.

Do you and live.

[textual-deviant-blog]

Haven't seen anyone talk about the heat death of the universe, lately.

- Ai-generated piece by user 'Darwhim.ai', "Mortal Redemption"

I'm hoping to eventually study the science behind that theory, get some knowledge that will help me in my writing, but for now I just want to provoke the idea some more.

When you give it some thought, it's possibly, at once, one of the most terrifying and trite things in existence. We'll never live long enough to ever have it affect us in any way, but the fear behind it is the inexorable quality it has; the inevitable erasure of everything we've built up, as a species, as a society, as an individual.

It is the Alpha and Omega of science fiction, one of the greatest existential crises people experience, and... again, none of us will ever live long enough that it matters.

As I sit here at my desk, pondering consciousness and all manner of things, the thought that people have gone mad over this, the thought that people have let their lives be destroyed by this notion? It's ridiculous, in the same manner that people still crying over the towers collapsing, every year, on that fateful date, feels ridiculous.

Everyone who more easily disconnects from the thoughts that bring them pain views these sorry individuals with pity. It's funny, because everyone barring the most sociopathic at least felt a passing terror over them. It's a universal experience, and something we universally ignore.

Some may, instead, have optimistic theories of their own, the Big Crunch being the most well known. We want to feel optimistic about a future we'll never see, the matter of how realistic or supported that future is by what we know... being somewhat irrelevant.

This isn't a psychological analysis. The conclusion I've been dancing around is that, does it matter? If it matters to you, the reader, on an emotional level, shouldn't you do something about it? Can't? Then, why? Is it because you feel a moral obligation? Or, it's just a sad reality to live in? Sir, madam, or gentleperson who lies in between, should it matter if your life remains unaffected in everything but the cognition of it alone? Because you think it's terrible that such a cosmic thing lies beyond your control?

Sometimes things just happen. For no reason at all. In a world with control, a man wouldn't die after hitting his head on a sidewalk. The one-in-a-billion prion wouldn't just kill you after living a long, prosperous life. A pulsar wouldn't have any chance, no matter how small, to accidentally blast us from across the universe. A meteor couldn't escape the grasp of Jupiter and instead aim for our civilization of everything.

...there's a sort of beauty to it, however. One of the greatest paradoxes, greatest pieces of dichotomy our existence has to offer. In a world with control, a man tripping wouldn't have that tiny, tiny chance to result in meeting the woman who would eventually become your mother. A scientist wouldn't get to study one of the most deadly organisms on the planet, and gush about how silly the series of coincidences in our physiology are to even let this poor thing have a tiny, tiny chance to kill us. We couldn't learn about things like pulsars; couldn't awe at how terribly energetic and magnificent they are, elements the size of mountains radiating beams trillions of miles long.

Nobody would ever write a novel about a meteor hitting Earth, the protagonist either saving the planet or having mere hours- perhaps even less- to face the totality of existence. It might be written well, it may be written terribly; but it would be written nonetheless. If there was no meteor, no great crisis, no great existential dread, no great confrontation, so much of the human experience would just be living, existing, perhaps not even breathing.

Would we dream of death, then? Would we think of the thrills that would result from just being mortal? Would we think about all the things we wouldn't do, for fear of death? In a world where mortality is the standard, we'll never have these thoughts- not truly. Perhaps in another universe, but that's a line of dialogue unto it's own.

Ultimately, without mortality, what would we mortals be?

What do you think?

-

Sometimes I fancy age advancing upon me. One gray hair I have found. Fool! do I lament? Yes, the fear of age and death often creeps coldly into my heart; and the more I live, the more I dread death, even while I abhor life. Such an enigma is man -- born to perish -- when he wars, as I do, against the established laws of his nature.

- Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, 1833: The Mortal Immortal.

[thewaywardbruja]

~ Thoughts In My Head ~

So I've got a lot going on in my head, none of it is particularly good, but I just wanted to type it out here because I need to get it out somehow.

I'm struggling a bit, with my mental health, this week, is a hard week for me, and I just dont know how to express how I'm feeling aside from crying.

Friday, marks - One Year since my Grandma was taken from me, and I know its only Monday, but I'm already counting down the days, I'm dreading it. We're away thankfully, at a car show but it doesnt make it any easier. I'm really struggling with my grief, and trying to hold it together.

I've also come down with something / my body is fighting something off, and I am the most tired, and exhausted I have ever been in my life and hardly have the strength to do anything. I have to keep forcing myself to do stuff, and then just want to sleep afterwards, its doing my head in literally. I dont feel like myself and the brain fog is really starting to get to me.

Its so bad that I ran my car into a brick wall two days ago, and I would never do that normally. Work has been extremely difficult, and standing in one place, and doing the same thing over, and over is just really starting to grind away at me. I've been thinking, and looking for another job, something different, and there just isnt anything around where we live.

I'm currently waiting for the results of my Lvl 1 Math test, hoping beyond hope that I managed to pass, but I doubt I did, I struggled so much with it, and the first time wasnt much better.

So, that means I'll be in another Lvl 1 class, for another 12 weeks, and ugh. My English GCSE's are coming up rapidly as well and I have no idea how I'm going to do on those either. I just know if I fail that as well, then I dont know what I'll do but the prospect of me joining the police this year is slowly slipping out of my fingers.

I mean my Leave to Remain Visa getting approved was good news, but its just been so over-shadowed by the anniversary coming up and me being sick that I havent really had much time to let it sink in and celebrate.

I hope soon I will start to feel better, and things will turn around but I'm not holding out much hope.

--

In other news, my witchcraft is taking off, I've had so many wonderful experiences - which have mostly been uploaded to my tiktok, that I am feeling so blessed and just wonderful about where my practice is taking me.

I found out that what was a Crow spirit, was actually Fenrir trying to communicate with me, and after using divination to talk to him, it felt wonderful to know that I now have two wolves at my side <3

I'm taking - this whole thing with Fenrir really slowly, and just letting it happen in its own time. He still makes me nervous. I asked him if we could have a spirit guide relationship - because I promised myself I would never bow down to no God again, ever - a long time ago. He said "Yes" <3 That made me feel a lot better as well.

White and I have been getting closer, and our bond has been getting stronger. After my amazing and wonderful reading I had the other day, I just feel so great, and liberated about everything I have been experiencing and feeling. <3

I cant wait to see what the future holds for me within Witchcraft. Its been so amazing, so far.

Friday marks one year since I found my path, and my practice and I wouldnt change it for anything <3 Its been such an amazing journey thus far <3 I have made so many amazing friends within the Witchcraft community as well, Jade, Sapphire, Josephine, ShyTyger (Char), Shay, Aphrodite, Jasmine, Naamah - just to name a few <3 You guys all rock and are so amazing, and I am so blessed to have you all in my life <3

So yeah. I dunno, just got a lot on my mind, and trying to make sense of all of it. I blame whatever is making my brain so foggy, its messing with my emotions and making me depressed as hell too. Yay Depression.

Hopefully things will start to get better, I'm trying to be an optimist about this... ( Bastille Joke... hah )

So yeah, I'll see you around <3

[hotchley]

🐨 Hello hello! It’s been a minute! I kinda forgot to send stuff. Let’s see, what’s going on….

In three months, I turn eighteen, and in five months (how is it only five months??) I graduate high school. That is insane and a little terrifying. Like, I’m ready to be done with high school, but at least I know high school, you know? College is an unknown variable and I don’t know what’ll happen. I’m optimistic about it, but it’s hard not to be dreading it a bit.

The poetry is going well! I had another poem accepted by a literary magazine, which I was super excited about. Speech is also going well. I’m giving a speech about heteronormativity, and it’s been really amazing to get to talk about something that I care about so much and have people listen. I’ve tried to explain to so many people so many times what heteronormativity is and why it drives me crazy, so it’s nice to feel like I’m actually doing something, even if it’s something small as a speech.

Oh! Guess what? I won my first ever speech tournament!! We were in another state and me and my roommates stayed up watching late night shows because I love those, and it turns out they do too! And the road trip was chaotic and amazing. Hearing my name called as first place and my teammates cheering and getting a standing ovation (that’s just speech etiquette, but still felt very cool!) was seriously amazing.

I’ve finished all my college applications, so now I just wait. I’ve heard back from a few…all positive so far, but there’s one with a 6% acceptance rate that’s my dream school but it’s insanely hard to get into. I’m thinking I’ll go into journalism. I love writing, and I want to do something that’ll help people/make a difference, so. It seems like a good option. But I have four years of college to figure that out, haha.

I’ve always wondered the difference between a barrister and a solicitor! In America, we have different types of lawyers like attorneys and prosecutors. It can get a bit confusing.

I get to go to a wedding in a few months! My karate senseis. We’ve known they’re getting married for awhile, but we got our official invitations at class last night, so that was cool. I’ve never been to a wedding before, except for one when I was 4 that I don’t really remember. Both the senseis are really awesome people, so I’m excited to get to go and celebrate them.

I was looking through your other blog again…I still adore your writing. Your poetry is so powerful. It definitely inspires me and my writing! And I’m still keeping a Happy Jar on my phone :)

Hi. Hi. Hi. Ummmmm... there is no reason for why I haven't answered asks apart from the simple: I haven't. I have no idea when you sent this but it was an embarrassing amount of time ago. I am hoping it hasn't been three months?

It's always terrifying! I felt the same way because I spent seven years at the school. I was genuinely terrified I wouldn't be able to handle being away from there because they have always kept me okay. But it's been several months since I left and I'm doing okay. Things settled. So be cautiously optimistic, and like I always tell kiddos, your education will always be waiting for you when you're ready. That's how it works. So there's never a rush.

Ah that's so good! I'm so glad you get to do it on something you like. And it's not just a speech. When I was in year eight, I did a speech workshop that was also a competition and I talked for a minute about the value of a human life. People cried. People three years later still remembered it. Our words, whether written or in passing, impact people. Something my friend said months ago that she's forgotten about has stuck with me. It'll be a good speech. It will have impact.

And congratulations on winning!! That's amazing and so cool and you really deserved it!

Journalism is so cool! I mean, you've tried to get in. Rejection is always hard, and if it happens, you need to let yourself feel sad and cry and whatever, but the knowledge that you didn't get in is infinitely better than the sadness of not even trying. I promise.

It's more that barristers go to court and solicitors usually don't. The main reason there hasn't been fusion is because of tradition and also the way people are paid is different- barristers are self-employed, solicitors usually aren't etc.

I LOVE WEDDINGS! I went to two last year, and I also went to the pre-wedding functions which was an experience. One was my cousin- her and her husband are the sweetest- and the other was my dad's friends daughter. That was during my A-Levels, which was chaos, but it was also my first English wedding so that was super cool! Weddings are fun for me because i love love and speeches and the dressing up and aah.

Awww. I think that's the nicest compliment I've ever been given about my writing! The Happy Jar has migrated to a notebook for 2023 and it's much, much easier now so the phone was the way to go!

[hypmicdaydreams]

Can i request angst senario for hitoya, I'm in the mood for sadness 😊😂

I'm ngl, it was pretty hard trying to come up with an idea, but I hope this is good! This was fun to write~ Thank you sm for your request, and I hope you enjoy 💕

-pairing: hitoya amaguni x gn!reader

-genre: angst

-summary: having been ridden with an illness, you’re stuck in the hospital where hitoya visits you each day

-word count: ~1.6k

-content warning: mentions of an incurable illness

it was difficult for hitoya to suppress his grimace the moment he walked into the hospital room once again. the white walls and silence save for the occasional sounds of the medical instruments gave the entire room a bit of an eerie and unsettling feeling, though perhaps that was simply the vibe of the entire hospital, which was more likely to be the case. it was an atmosphere that he did not like one bit, finding it to be much too uncomfortable. perhaps he only felt that way, however, because of his past, having abandoned his medical school dreams in pursue of a law career. it might’ve reminded him of his dreaded past, resurfacing his feelings of inadequacy once more. that was one reason, though not the main one. the most likely reason as to why he hated it so much was because you were currently staying at one right this instant. 

hitoya never really did pay much mind to hospitals and their atmospheres, usually. sure, they were ridden with illnesses and had the stench of death quite literally at their doorstep, but that was something that he seemed to not pay any attention to simply because he wasn’t the one dealing with it or being faced with it. harsh, certainly, but this was common amongst almost everyone maybe. no one really thinks about hospitals until they’re at one anyway. 

but when you were admitted given your worsening health condition (you had some sort of illness that didn’t seem to get any better), it was when hitoya began to grow a sort of hatred for them. each time he saw one, it only served as a reminder of your condition, and given that you were his partner, someone he loved and cherished, well, hitoya didn’t want to think about it. so each time he came in for a visit, hitoya couldn’t help but hate his entire time there, never able to rid of the gnawing gut feeling or the heartache each time he saw how helpless and weak you looked stuck in that bed and gown. that didn’t deter him from always checking in though, no matter how busy he was. 

“i didn’t think you’d make it today,” you commented, smiling upon seeing that hitoya had visited you again today. it did make your loneliness at the hospital a bit more bearable. “i thought you’d be gone the whole day for your court case.”

“it was an open and shut one,” he replied, taking his seat on the chair that was right beside your bed. as much as he tried to remain upbeat and positive, especially now after seeing your smiling face, hitoya found it quite hard to do so. i mean, just the sight of you poking at your bland food, looking as meek and pale as ever was, made it difficult for him to smile. it seemed as if your condition was only worsening, and hitoya didn’t know how he could try to remain optimistic at such news. well, he still tried, if only not to make you feel worse. “the judge ruled pretty quickly.”

“i should’ve known,” you muttered, laughing a bit at yourself for ever having doubted him. seriously, did you even know him? this was the hitoya amaguni. of course he’d find some way to shut it down fast and hard. “you’re the best lawyer in japan after all.”

at this, he couldn’t help but smirk, getting a bit too cocky about himself. hitoya already knew that point. he never lost a single case, ever, after all; but hearing the love of his life say it was something else entirely. it felt much better. and you, on the other hand, couldn’t help but giggle once you saw how much of an ego boost it was. you were happy to see him perking up for once. 

that moment was soon cut short, however. hitoya fell silent, almost suddenly really. it was such a startling shift. but, well, he was quite the straight-forward man, always so serious in just about everything, no matter how silly the situation seemed. he didn’t take lightly to jokes most of the time (unless it was from you), and the anticipation and waiting around to find the answers that he wanted was simply much too frustrating and uncomfortable of a feeling for him. basically, hitoya just wanted to get to the point. he was rather impatient after all. 

“did the doctor say anything?” 

it was a question that immediately shifted the atmosphere, turning it from a light-hearted one to something tense. his serious tone, sharp gaze, and bit of a frown did that as he became all serious-like. and the smile that you were carrying just moments prior fell as you were reminded of what your doctor had informed.

“i’m getting worse.” it was a silent mumble, something that sounded a bit fearful as well. hitoya couldn’t blame you for feeling that way, however. being conscious of the fact that you were physically deteriorating and could do nothing about it was bound to be frightening; but at the same time, hitoya couldn’t help but think that you were rather brave and courageous for being able to put up with it. you were so strong, much stronger than he thought he was. and even if hitoya was somewhat of a pessimist, he did admire how optimistic you tried to be, how you kept your fighting spirit alive. it was admirable surely. 

at the news, hitoya could only stay silent. he knew that it was inevitable, knew exactly that this was what you’d tell him when he visited you the next time. even when he had prepared for this, it still hit hitoya hard and caught him off-guard in a sense. imagining something and having it come to life prompted completely different feelings after all. one was merely something from his mind whereas the other was reality and directly affected him. 

he felt that terrible pain in his heart again. hitoya didn’t quite know how to describe it, only knowing that he hated feeling this way always. it reminded him a bit of everything that had ever went wrong in his life and how it seemed to be only growing worse. he just felt so miserable. it was times like these that hitoya hoped that he had remained on his path to becoming a doctor, not able to help but imagine that perhaps he would’ve been able to help you out then, maybe even cure you. 

“but i should be fine as long as i take my meds,” you quickly added, your mood brightening up once more as you tried to rid of the atmosphere hitoya had created. geez, you didn’t want either of you guys to feel bad, especially when he came. visiting hours were limited after all, and if hitoya was going to come, then you wanted to at least enjoy your time with him before going back to the isolation of your hospital room. “enough of all this depressing talk. how has training with the others been?”

at the mention of them, hitoya felt a headache coming through. it’s not that he didn’t enjoy spending time with kuko and jyushi, as much as his stress levels rose each time. simply put, they were quite the handful, and having recalled what had happened a few days prior, hitoya couldn’t help but sigh. you very much seemed to enjoy it, however. 

“troublesome,” he mumbled.

“why? what happened?”

and as hitoya went on and on about their antics, taking into account how you were having fun at his story, he couldn’t help but get more worried about your condition. only now was he able to fully take into account just how skinny and meek you looked, probably as a result of your illness and the toll it was taking on you. honestly, it only made him feel worse, and the pain in his heart throbbed again. hitoya couldn’t help but be frustrated at your lack of progress, at himself for not being able to do anything. seeing his love grow worse and worse by the day through his eyes...there were no words to describe it honestly. your fate was inevitable, as much as hitoya didn’t want to think about it. 

his slight frown and furrowed brows never did leave as hitoya gazed at your ill-ridden form, a slight sadness behind it. he never could shake off those thoughts, the ones about what would happen in the future and how you’d never get better. he tried to tell himself that there was hope, that perhaps you would get better, but deep down, both you and him knew that that was far from the truth. perhaps you’d hold out, however. one could never be certain about anything after all. but, even then, hitoya couldn’t help but dismiss all those thoughts. it’d be much better if he focused on reality, look at the actual facts and all, so that he wouldn’t get too hurt in the end (that wouldn’t happen either way). 

man, hitoya grimaced as he thought about it. even when you tried to keep bright and happy, hitoya could do nothing but be negative. you really were strong. hitoya could learn a few things from you. he’d have to try to be optimistic just like you, if only for your sake. 

well, one thing’s for sure: hitoya was going to stay by your side throughout it all, no matter what would happen. 

[emveepea]

A year ago today, I had a panic attack. I had never had one before, and I didn't recognize what it was at first. The entire week leading up to new year's eve (and I guess the months leading up to the end of the year really), my mental health spiraled. I had to make the tough choice of leaving my job in 2020 because I just didn't feel safe where I was. I was working and living away from my family at a place that didn't enforce its own or the state's covid policies. I kept feeling stressed, wondering what would happen if I got sick or if my family members far away got sick but I wouldn't be able to help them. But not having a job meant I wouldn't have healthcare in a country that wouldn't provide it since I was leaving my job voluntarily. And so many conservative-leaning family members of mine truly didn't know that or understand. They really thought I could just sign up and get free healthcare since I was unemployed. But that's not how even the expanded unemployment insurance worked at the time-you had to be let go or fired, and you did not qualify if you left voluntarily. And since I moved back to Mississippi, which has some of the stricted and narrowest eligibility requirements for things like food stamps and medicaid, even living off just my husband's grad student salary was just high enough to disqualify us for any govt assistance.

So with 2021 looming, having no job, no healthcare, having to deal with anti-mask conservative family, and being in Mississippi, who had at that time just lifted it's state-wide mask mandate, I truly couldn't see what there was to celebrate. Sure, vaccines were promising, but the pandemic was still raging and getting worse and it suddenly being 2021 wouldn't change that.

I couldn't have imagined a year later that I'd not only be vaxxed but triple vaxxed. I couldn't see myself employed and us having moved to live in a new state. Things did get better in 2021 for me personally, and I truly can say I'm in a better place mentally.

The scar of that 2020 new year's eve still hurts though. I could feel myself slipping this whole past week into that same existential dread I felt a year ago. Just the thought that we're about to be in a new year again but still in a pandemic with, again, no new public health policies to help mitigate the spread other than "well do what you personally can, cause we ain't gonna make any big and hard decisions. It's *recommended* to wear a mask and getting vaccinated but we can't tell you what to do."

Talking with friends and having a day job (well sort of afternoon job actually heh heh) has helped me stay sane, so I signed up to work new year's eve so I can stay distracted while the day can fly by. I hate that what the pandemic has stolen from me is the ability to optimistic and hopeful for the future. All I've ever wanted in my life is to live on my own terms, where I feel safe and have the space and grace to be myself and have a "normal" life after the traumatic childhood I had. Maybe one day, I can dare to dream again, but for now, I'm just tired. I'm tired of having to endure one hardship after another and to live another year in an "uncontrollable" pandemic. That's why I just want today to be a normal work day, where I get up and go through my now familiar routine of getting ready for work.

The only difference today is I'm making semi-traditional comfort food for nye: my family's recipe for beef veggie soup made with beef, canned veggies, kale, and most importantly black eyed peas to satisfy all the southern nye food requirements of (not) corned beef, (not) cabbage, and black eyed peas. Wth a side of savory and buttery cornbread, just how I like it.

I am thankful for the little things like being able to make these comfort foods, and for having a job that actually has policies in place and actually enforces them to keep me safe. For pushing myself to start therapy this year to deal with my childhood demons that keep haunting me as well as bad coping habits that helped when I was a kid but aren't healthy for me now as an adult. I know, objectively, things will get better and that I will get better and feel better, too. It's hard to feel that way right now, but I'm gonna try to just keep telling myself that.

[pupvivi]

Based on this

When Sana moved away from home to go to university, she expected a few things to happen. She expected to be home sick, she expected to make new friends, and she expected to eventually fall in love.

What she didn't expect was to be swept literally off her feet by one Son Chaeyoung. She's heard about her, how could she not, she was the talk of the University. Even with how large it was, and how a vast variety of humans and non humans attended, somehow she was still the talk of the town.

They said to avoid her, that she's only good enough to a one night stand. Others say she has connections in hell and that if you're on her shit list your days are numbered.

And yet, Sana caught her eye. They had a mutual class, and as an ice breaker their professor had them draw numbers. Whoever had the same number as you, was going to be your partner for the semester.

Everyone was dreading the idea of being partnered with Chaeyoung. Everyone but Sana. Surely she couldn't be that bad, if she was that much of a threat the school would expell her, right?

Nonetheless, with her optimistic view, she ended up partnered with the demon, who simply gave her a once over and a toothy grin.

Sana should have known there would be trouble from that point on.

--

Sure she had an attitude, but when everyone is always gossiping about you, it was bound to happen that Chaeyoung snapped at someone while trying to study with Sans. Even going as far as to give her partner a warning and apologize in advance, before turning and yelling at the idiots who were talking about her.

Sana watched in amusement as her tail flicked behind her in irritation. It was cute. Not that she would voice that. It was a miracle that Chaeyoung didn't snap at her, as she seems to have a low tolerance for a lot of things.

"Anyway, I think we're about to get kicked out of here. Can we continue at your place?" Chaeyoung started packing up quickly, before Sana could even reply. With a nod, Sana followed suit, ignoring the looks of sympathy shot in her direction.

She really wasn't that bad. She didn't understand.

"Hey," Sana couldn't help but jump when she was addressed on the way out. Chaeyoung eyes were dark, she couldn't tell what the demon was thinking, but the half smirk was kinda soothing. Maybe. Sana didn't know. "You don't have to worry about me, I don't mess with pretty girls."

Sana blinked, before awkwardly coughing into her hand, trying her best to mask a blush. That didn't just happen. Chaeyoung didn't just flirt with her.

--

Chaeyoung never disguised her intentions with Sana. From the second she saw her, she was drawn to the human. Her figure was beautiful, her lips were just being to be kissed, and Chaeyoung actually felt her nature kicking her. She wanted her. For just one night or for longer, she wouldn't know until she had Sana is her grasps, withering under her tongue, mewling her name.

"You've been on that page for 7 minutes." Sana cleared her throat, gaining Chaeyoung's attention. It was true, she was still on the same page, but she could care less about chemistry right now. She rather explore their dynamic. "What's distracting you? I know this isn't the most exciting subject, but-"

Chaeyoung shushed her with a finger in her lips, her eyes taking in Sana again. She wanted- No, she needed to kiss her. "You are distracting me. I've never seen anyone so beautiful in my life, I can't focus on anything or anyone but you."

Sana was once again left speechless. Shifting in her seat, she closed her textbook, Chaeyoung letting her fall to the ground. Eyes flicking from where her finger was, she let her hand drop, and instead she shifted closer. "Can I kiss you, I feel like I'm going insane."

Knowing she had the power to tell her no, but instead Sana nodded, she wanted to know. Just what was so dangerous about Son Chaeyoung.

The kiss was explosive. Hot, intoxicating, it left Sana wanting more. Chaeyoung wasnt fairing any better, shedding her jacket so that she could feel more of Sana against her. Her tail coiling around Sana's waist, as a deep rumble bubbled out of her chest. "Fuck." She hissed, against her lips.

Chaeyoung pulled back like she was burned, needing to pull back her desires. Sana was left gasping, face flushed as she too was left a mess. Her panties flooded from one simple kiss.

[dvlwthn]

“  we’re  one  with  the  sea  .  ”

Is that NOAH CENTINEO? No, that’s just ATLAS LAVEAU. They were born on 09/05/96 and are a MERMAID living in Northknot Town. They work as a SWIM INSTRUCTOR at Good Vibrations Gym. Some say they're PROTECTIVE and INTELLIGENT, but I’ve heard others say they're EMOTIONAL and BLUNT. When you think of HIM, don’t you think of SUNSHINE AFTER RAIN, OCEANS SO BLUE YOU CAN’T LOOK AWAY, LOYALTY SO STRONG IT CAN’T BE BROEKN?

A E S T H E T I C

swimming  to  the  bottom  of  the  ocean  .  peace  in  the  silence  .  the  sound  of  clicking  from  a  keyboard  .  mind  always  wondering  .  leaving  words  of  poetry  behind  everywhere  .  carrying  a  notebook  around  for  no  one  to  see  .  stopping  in  the  middle  of  something  to  write  something  down  .  unbreakable  loyalty  .  kind  smiles  ,  forgiving  nature  .

Q U O T E S

“  you  must  always  remember  this  :  have  courage  ,  and  be  kind .  you  have  more  kindness  in  your  little  finger  than  most  people  possess  in  their  whole  body  .  and  it  has  power  .  more  than  you  know  .  ”   –  brittany candau. “  i  see  myself  forever  and  ever  as  the  ridiculous  [ person ]  ,  the  lonely  soul  ,  the  wanderer  ,  the  restless  frustrated  artist  ,  the  person  in  love  [  with  love  ]  ,  always  in  search  of  the  absolute  ,  always  seeking  the  unattainable  .  ”   –  henry miller. “  i’m  with  you  in  rockland  . . .  where  we  are  great  writers  on  the  same  dreadful  typewriter  .  ”   –  allen ginsberg .

M U S I C    P L A Y E R

“   and  i  can't  sleep  .  i'm  up  at  night  ,  you're  in  my  ear  and  i'm  alright  .  i’m  trying  not  to  put  it  on  the  line  .  and  i  am  so  tired  of  losing  sleep  .  i  just  want  to  keep  you  around  .  you  make  me  feel  alright  .  you  make  me  feel  alright  .  you  make  me  feel  like  everything  is  gonna  be  just  fine  .  ”   just fine by spookyghostboy. “   je  veux  de  l'amour  ,  de  la  joie  ,  de  la  bonne  humeur  .  ce  n'est  pas  votre  argent  qui  fera  mon  bonheur  .  moi  je  veux  crever  la  main  sur  le  cœur  .  allons  ensemble  ,  découvrir  ma  liberté  .  oubliez  donc  tous  vos  clichés  bienvenue  dans  ma  réalité  .  ”   je veux by zaz. “   sometimes  there's  bullshit  that  don't  work  now  .  we  all  got  our  stories  but  please  tell  me  what  there  is  to  complain  about  .  when  you're  happy  like  a  fool  ,  let  it  take  you  over  .  when  everything  is  out  ,  you  gotta  take  it  in  .  oh  ,  this  has  gotta  be  the  good  life  .  ”   good life by onerepublic.

P E R S O N A L I T Y

+ intelligent, protective, and kind

- sometimes too optimists, blunt, and emotional

atlas has been through a lot of hurt. however, unlike most people he hasn’t let it change him. people take his kindness as a weakness but he see’s it as a strength... that he won’t let anyone change him no matter how cruel they can be. he wants to believe that people aren’t all bad, sometimes he tries a little too hard to believe that. but he isn’t naive either when it came to what he expected from other people. the man isn’t oblivious, he just likes to try to have hope. to not expect the worst from people until they give him no other choice to. sometimes, he also can’t help himself and is a little blunt. he never does it to be rude or hurt anyone’s feelings... it’s just he is protective and will call someone out on something in order to protect them. also the little pretentious writer in him sometimes makes him unable to stop himself from just saying certain things as they are. 

H E A D C A N O N S

001. atlas henrik laveau never knew his father, not that he ever cared about that. the boy was a huge mama’s boy. his mother was the strongest person he knew. growing up with only his mother, and his two step sisters. . . atlas grew up seeing the strength in women and couldn’t be prouder of his family.  002. however, being the only boy, atlas did always want a little brother. and he found that in a young boy whose family lived near his. it started with him just being asked to watch the young boy (eric) but eventually turned into him adoring the kid like his little brother. his family and friends all know how atlas saw the young boy and welcomed him themselves as well. 003. atlas prided himself on learning as much as he could on anything and everything. about his world under the sea and the world above. human, vampires, werewolves, witches, etc. he wanted to be ready for when he moved to the land above, it was always part of his plan. plus, he wanted to help his hybrid best friend as much as he could. 004. when he was younger, atlas’ favourite thing had always been writing and telling stories. he was always a creative person and enjoyed sharing all of his ideas. due to this, atlas was known for always thinking outside the box. 005. he ended up going through a hard time when eric was killed. it had been a day that he was asked to go watch the young boy, but he couldn’t do it. so eric’s parents moved their day around and stayed with him. atlas had finished his day early was was going to go surprise the boy and maybe offer to help out so the parents could do whatever else they could. however, when he arrived, he found the entire family had been murdered. atlas took it really hard and blamed himself. he even stopped talking for a couple of months. he spoke to NO ONE and the only person who could get some type of reaction out of him had been his best friend. 006. at the right age, atlas wasted no time in getting his ring so he could travel above land. he didn’t make the move just yet, cause he wasn’t fully ready to leave his family. but mars and him traded off on who was visiting who. he loved the land and wishes his family felt the same, but they loved the ocean too much. so he stayed for awhile longer before eventually making the move all together. though he does visit his family still. family is everything to the man. 007. he’s currently working at the gym as a swim  instructor, but he only does that while working on his book. everything is looking well for him, he already has publishers who want to work with him. he just needs to make a choice and small changes to his book that he feels he didn’t write correctly. he’s very excited about what’s to come.

C O N N E C T I O N S

BEST FRIEND. these two grew up together and have always been close. they’ve always seen each other as family and don’t keep secrets from one another. atlas knows he can tell mars anything and never be judged, just like she can do with him.   [ TAKEN ; marcelline ]

CLOSE FRIENDS. these would be the people he goes to that isn’t mars. probably someone who is a little more like him. at least in the sense where they are more kind and forgiving compared to most of the people in town. they could meet when atlas got to town and kind of just hit it off. or just sometime since he’s been around and just grew close kinda quickly. i just want him to have a couple of people he’s really close with.   [ 1/2 (could be down for three) ; tabitha ]

CO-WORKER. ever hear of a work wife/husband? that’s what this person is to atlas. they are very close and are always there to help each other. their other co-workers tease them about acting like a married couple at work, but it really is just a platonic friendship.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

EX GIRLFRIEND. i would really love one of those obvious jealous exes who broke up with their boyfriend due to him being so close to their best (girl) friend. so this person, whom atlas loved so much, really didn’t like how close atlas was to mars and grew tired of people making assumptions about him and mars. it eventually got to the point of them telling atlas to pick between them and his best friend. they didn’t realise how much atlas actually LOVED them. now, however, atlas can’t see them the same and they act very bitter toward each other.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

CRUSH. someone atlas has a bit of a crush on. they don’t need to return the feelings. this is just someone he really admires but never acts on his feelings because he doesn’t want to ruin their friend ship. *bonus points though if they do return his feelings and they are thinking the same way he is. that they are worried about ruining the friendship too.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

EX BOYFRIEND. they were friends first and things kind of just happened. it was one of those relationships that just made sense. however, after a few months, this person decided they just wanted to be friends. while it hurt atlas, he understood and agreed. yet since then, the two are just awkward around each other. atlas still has a soft spot for this person and wishes they could actually be friends again.   [ OPEN ; xx ] 

DISLIKE. atlas tried to get along with everyone, he really does. but this person just DOESN’T like him and atlas isn’t too upset about it. they rub him the wrong way anyways. or maybe it’s vice versa. . . atlas can’t stand them? they rub him the wrong way and he just CAN’T see past it.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

[jeongyeonandsunflowers]

‘I'm saluting to your lips’ ~ Kim Woojin Soulmate AU ~ Part One

I know this took ages, I'm sorry, but here is part one, it was getting way too long, so I thought I’d split it up, otherwise it would have ended up really rushed at the end. and no one needs that. I also proofread this like 6 times so if there’s a mistake I need to be taken out. 

Not a lot of things are certain in this world, but of the few things that are, finding my soulmate was the most exciting. Knowing that someone somewhere was absolutely made for me? That was the most incredible thing I could ever think of.

I used to be teased in school, kids told me that I didn’t have a soulmate, and if I did they would take one look at me and want nothing to do with me. But I knew I had one, somewhere in this world.

See, I have proof, the squiggles and weird lines that pop up on my arm every so often, they’ve been existent since I was 13, that’s when they start showing up on everyone, your soulmate writes on their own body you get to see it too, in the exact same place the exact same handwriting, and size, its all the same.

Some people find their soulmates straight away, they’re lucky enough to have their soulmates live close by or even be someone they’ve known forever.

My friends Bailey and Felix found each other on Felix’s birthday, Bailey couldn’t see her own drawings yet, but Felix could see his, and what he had written on her arm just seconds before in class, “if you let me copy your homework I’ll love you forever.” And sure enough, in his slightly messy handwriting on his left knee, as it was on hers, was the same phrase. To keep the story short, he squealed like a little piglet and ran out of class, later showing Bailey why, and they cried together, their soulmate was their best friend.

That’s usually everyone’s dream, that its someone they know, that way they don’t have to learn everything about a new person. But that’s sort of what I dread, there are only three people in my life that I can stand, the first being Felix and Bailey who are already soulmates, and then Chris, he’s two years older than me, and been my best friend since I could remember, I used to have a massive crush on the guy, but then I realised how great of a friend he was, and how much I needed o value him as my best friend rather than my crush.

That and on Chris’ 13th birthday drawings started popping up in his arm that weren’t mine, and that’s when I knew there was no chance anyway.

On the day of my own birthday I become indescribably excited, I woke up that morning and before I could register it was my birthday, I looked at my hand and saw tiny symbols on my palm, not remembering writing them, it suddenly clicked in my head, these were my soulmates symbols, my soulmate wrote this, they did this. I screamed. I quite literally screamed, my mum came into my room, looking panicked wondering why I was screaming, I showed her my hand and she screamed as well, then raised the question. What was it on that was on my hand?

I asked everyone I could, everyone that might have an answer, anyone I could find, and no one had any idea. No one except Chris.

I hadn’t seen him that day, not until the night of my birthday, going out for dinner with my family, Chris, Felix and Bailey, who basically counted as family anyway. New symbols had appeared throughout the day and I still had no clue what they were or what they were supposed to mean or represent. Chris sat next to me, and took one glance at my hand, and asked, “since when did you know Korean?” and suddenly it made sense, they weren’t weird little drawings, just a different language. Oh no, it’s a different language.

“its Korean? Like? From Korea, Korean?”

“yes Y/n from Korea, Korean,”

“my soulmate is Korean?”

“it seems like it.” 

The weeks went on, the Korean continued, and I began trying to learn the language, Chris tried helping translate, since his family spoke Korean at home, but he couldn’t be around to translate every word that was written, so I had to start learning myself. It seemed that my soulmate had also begun to try learning English, throughout the weeks I saw messily written “hello” and “I love you” because obviously that was an important phrase.

 It went like that for 5 years, we both bettered our second languages, each becoming better and more fluent, I started seeing reminders pop up, some in Korean, some in English, I was starting to understand his lifestyle, they’re training for something, but I can’t figure out what yet. Felix, Bailey and I were still friends, and still trying to decipher everything.

Chris and his family moved to Korea after my 14th birthday, he kept in contact for a while and then he just sort of faded away and only Felix had been graced with his presence, and even if it was apparently the equivalent to passing words and phrases, at least he had some contact. At least I knew he was doing well.  

Apparently, Chris had started “training” as well, and went by ‘Chan’ now. Felix said that he was trying to become an Idol, which was like a celebrity for us, he was getting into the kpop industry and so our friends got into it too, Bailey and Felix became devoted to it, they kept up with all the latest news just waiting for a glimpse of Chris, or Chan I guess. It made me wonder if maybe my soulmate was doing the same kind of training.

I’d always assumed it was something sporty, but now I understand why “drink more water to help voice” was written almost every day for 3 years.

I started looking into kpop too, waiting, and hoping that one day I might see someone who I feel could be my soulmate, but no one ever made me spark like I thought I would. I started to lose hope, realising tat there were many different obstacles in the way of us being together. I was a broke uni student now, I had no means of getting to Korea, and it seems as if my soulmate had no intentions coming here either.    

 But still I remained optimistic, I had to be, I’d been dreaming about my soulmate since I could hold a comprehensive thought, I would fine them one day and that is a promise I made to myself and my soulmate. I couldn’t give up and I wouldn’t.

The day it happened is a day I won’t soon forget, I was in the middle of class at university, when I got hit with a sudden sharp and almost unbearable pain in my wrist, I saw words start to etch themselves across my skin, forming words I was yet to recognise, my squiggles never pained me like this before, it felt like something was wrong, this wasn’t a common occurrence, in fact I don’t think anyone on record, has had this happen before.

The professor stopped the class since I was making so much noise, he took one glance at my wrist and sent me straight to the office to find the nurse.

She sat me down on one of the plastic chairs, looked over my wrist, poking the other squiggles, asking me what language they were, whether the rest of them hurt as well, to which I replied, that no they don’t, she grabbed out her phone headed to google translate and did her best to translate the other words on my arm, in hopes that maybe there was some sort of clue.

She translated the last one, fading on the palm of my hand ‘오늘 오후 1시 30 분에 문신’

“well love, it looks like this might be the answer, it still doesn’t make any sense, but by the looks of things, your soulmate got a tattoo today.”

She was right, that didn’t make sense, usually tattoos didn’t affect the other half, but that came to be the genuine outcome. There truly was no explanation.

I called bailey to tell her about what happened, but as soon as she picked up the phone she was ahead of the gun and already talking.

“oh my god y/n you’re not going to believe what I just found out! Chris found his soulmate, apparently, he was out travelling in Seoul and this girl bumped into him, he accidentally spilt his coffee all over her white shirt, she ran before he could even say anything to her. Anyway, so he gets back to his dorm and sees a new note on his hand, that says, “reminder: call Carmel about cute guy who spilt coffee on me,” and then Chris was like well that’s me I guess and wrote his number on his hand just below I with his name! who knew that dork would be so smooth right?”

My world felt like it was crashing down around me, not because Chris had his soulmate but because he didn’t call to tell me. He promised, ever since his 13th birthday that he would call as soon as he found the person, and he didn’t. I suddenly felt betrayed, I told bailey that I would have to call her back, and then immediately bombarded Felix for Chris’ number. He gave it over almost immediately, I must have scared him because he’s never been that easy to break before.

I sat there contemplating whether it was a good idea or not, he hasn’t spoken to me since I was 14 but he is the person is known longest, I decide to call later.  

Later ended up being 30 seconds later, soon I was met with the ringing, and then someone greeting me in Korean, I heard Chan and I started ranting.

“listen here prick, you promised me that would message or call me as soon as you found your soulmate, and I had to find out from Bailey? What the fuck is up with that? Come on Chris, you’re the one who made that promise, you’re the one who told me it would be okay when you moved away, you told me that you would still talk to me, that it would be the same. And now I haven’t heard from you in almost 6 years, I don’t even recognise your voice, who even are you?”

There was silence, for a little too long, and then the person cleared their throat on the other end.

“I am really, really sorry, Chan is a dick for doing that to you, and I didn’t know he was even capable of being rude, here’s not here right now, he left his phone when he went out with Jamie, ahh that’s his soulmate or whatever. Umm I’m Woojin, I’ll yell at him for you when he comes back, what’s your name so I know who I’m defending?”

“oh um, I’m so sorry for going off at you for that I’m, I’m really really sorry, my names y/n but you don’t have to go off at Chris for me, I’ll just call back later, but thank you.” “that’s okay Y/n it was nice talking to you.”

”You too Woojin thank you for listening to me rant even though you didn’t have any choice”

I hung up the phone, smiling and annoyed at the same time, I looked down at my wrist again and noticed words that weren’t there before.

“reminder: tell Chan about call from y/n, ask him when he got mean.” 

[mdwatchestv]

Everything I'm Going to Watch in September and You Should Too, Or Not, I'd Rather You Be Your Authentic Self

There is one question asked in this town more than any other and it's not "Who are you wearing?" (as the media would falsely have you believe) it's "What are you watching?" Or "Have you seen anything good lately?" "Did you watch x?" "Have you seen z?" This question is posed at awkward drinks, on boring conference calls, lazily to your co-workers, animatedly to your brunch friends, in all caps to your IM buddies. We have this conversation because we hope it will go something like this:

Me: Have you seen anything good lately? You: OMG yes I have! I just watched this six episode British miniseries about a group of diverse women at the turn of the 20th century who have to solve a series of murders! Also there's a hot guy. You will LOVE IT. Me, sobbing: Thank you for this gift. We embrace, both openly weeping. Our friendship has never been stronger.

But it usually goes something more like this:

Me: Have you seen anything good lately? You: No, I decided to start Seinfeld over from the beginning. We stare at each other, the conversation stagnant. We have never been further apart.

So in an effort to draw you in closer to the burning embers of my heart, here is a list of every show I am going to try and watch that starts in September. God knows I am not going to write about all of these shows, for I am just one girl with a stressful job, mild depression, general laziness, and not a lot of free time. But hopefully I can recommend something new, or validate your choices, or condemn your bad ones. I am not promising any of this will be good, but here is an open and honest look at my life choices. Here we go, LET'S FORGE A FRIENDSHIP:

September 5th- American Horror Story: Cult (10pm on FX)

Okay so we are off to not a very good start here because this show premiered Tuesday and, as of this writing, I have yet to watch it. Also while we (or more specifically me) are confessing things, I will also tell you I have not watched a season of AHS in its entirety since Coven. That is because, like all (of the seemingly endless) Ryan Murphy content, each season begins with a striking concept backed by a fantasy cast that eventually devolves into a lukewarm mess of half-cocked ideas. I come for the opener, leave in the 7th inning to avoid traffic on the way home. I predict I will watch about five episodes of this season, but it may be less depending on severity of clown content.

September 10th- Top of the Lake: China Girl (9pm on Sundance)

You guys if you didn't watch the first season of this show (only seven episodes) please correct that immediately. I want to say it's all on Hulu, that feels right. Just googled it, it is. Written and directed by Jane Campion, the original miniseries is an atmospheric, character-driven mystery set in gloriously accented New Zealand. It stars Elisabeth Moss, with said amazing accent, just acting up a storm. Additionally the series has a decidedly feminist bent, which is especially refreshing in a landscape where most shows about the crimes done to women veer in the opposite direction. Season China Girl takes place in Sydney, Australia and adds Gwendoline Christie (Brienne!!) and NICOLE FUCKING KIDMAN to the cast. NICOLE KIDMAN PEOPLE. WATCH THIS.

September 13th - Broad City Season 4 (10:30pm on Comedy Central)

I mean... I personally identify as an Abbi pretending to be Ilana. Broad City is everything. 

September 14th - Better Things Season 2 (10:00pm on FX)

Okay, more honesty, this is largely an aspirational entry. I watched a handful of the first season and really loved it, but didn't finish it. I know, I know, this show is much better than American Horror Story and deserves to be watched thoroughly. Maybe it's me, maybe it's FX. But I mean any show with scenes about television casting hold a special place in my heart. It's hard for me to watch shows about the industry without feeling nauseous, but Better Things successfully walks the line between comedy and me having to put my head between my knees.

September 17th - The Emmys!!! (8:00pm on CBS)

TV'S BIGGEST NIGHT YOU GUYS! Also it's the 69th one...nice.

September 20th

Channel Zero: No End House (10:00pm on SyFy)

Yeah I know. I watched the entirety of the first season of this show ("Candle Cove") and it was not even that good, or that scary, but it's a show based on Creepypastas!!!! The nostalgia overload on my little goth early aughts heart is just too much to for me to resist. Also it's only six episodes!

The Good Place Season 2 (10:00pm on NBC)

If you didn't watch the first season of this show, I highly suggest you do that as well, it's on Netflix! At the end of the day The Good Place (created by the always brilliant Michael Schur) is a high concept comedy about philosophy. Philosophy! The first season genuinely surprised and delighted me (two emotions I very rarely feel while watching television because I am jaded/dead inside). The first season started off a little...impenetrable... but so did the first season of Parks and Rec! In both cases putting in the work is worth it I promise. 

September 22nd

Gaga: Five Foot Two (Netflix)

I realize this is not really TV, but it is a thing I'm going to watch on Netflix that will take up time from my regularly scheduled programming.

Transparent Season 4 (Amazon)

I feel like Amazon never tells me when things are going to be on. Like, I have been wondering all year when Marvelous Mrs Maisel is going to premiere and I know they are just going to spring it in the night or something and I’m going to miss it, Transparent is consistently compelling and at its very best, magical. This year the Pfeffermans are traveling to Israel, and the change in location may be just the thing to add a kick to this fourth year show.

September 24th - Keeping Up With The Kardashians 10 Year Anniversary Special 9:00pm on E!)

Look, we are building a friendship here and the key to building friendships is honest communication.

September 25th - The Good Doctor (10:00pm on ABC)

That's right, a brand new network one hour! I watch exactly zero network dramas, the time commitment (22 episodes) to quality (22 episodes) ratio is just not worth it for me. There always comes a point where I fall woefully behind, never to catch up again. I have no illusions I am going to watch every episode of this new fall drama about a surgeon who has autism and must persevere over odds and prejudice while solving intriguing medical cases etc etc. But I love the Brit leads of this show, Freddie Highmore and Antonia Thomas, to little bits and pieces so I am at least going to tune in for the first couple in order to coo over them and critique their American accents. I hope they are both making lots of money.

September 26th

Law & Order: The Menendez Murders (10:00pm on NBC)

There are two things I love in this world, true crime and miniseries, and this new Law & Order spinoff from NBC vice overlord Dick Wolf, has married them together. If you don't know about the 1989 Menedez brothers murder of their parents (in Beverly Hills no less), and the subsequent trial, it's a real humdinger. I have high hopes for this series, especially seeing as it stars Edie Falco (strong female lead with a questionable perm is where it's at this year), and Law & Order has  been delivering the crime-solving goods for literally decades.  However the primary colored billboards popping up around town (see above) do feel a bit like a red (yellow, and blue) flag, but I remain murderously optimistic for this.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Five (9:30pm on Fox)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine is hilarious and Terry Crews is a gift, A GIFT.

September 28th  

Great News (8:30pm on NBC)

This show, about an aspiring reporter (the beautious and funnious Briga Heelan) whose over-bearing mother (ANDREA MARTIN PEOPLE) becomes an intern at the news station where she works, took a couple of episodes to find it's feet in the first season. But after getting its groove this under-the-radar gem proved to be genuinely charming and laugh out loud funny (who knew Nicole Ritchie could be so likable). I have high hopes for season two now that the writing has hit its stride, and Tina Fey is going to recur in seven episodes! That's so many!

Will and Grace (9:00pm on NBC)

This could be absolutely terrible or ALL OF OUR TV HOPES AND DREAMS.

And before you ask, here is why I'm not watching the below:

You're The Worst - I am so far behind on this, feels insurmountable to catch up. I liked the two I watched though! I know, I’m the worst.

BoJack Horseman- Industry related existential dread  is too overwhelming and leads to nausea (see above).

One Mississipi - Saw the excellent documentary about Tig on Netflix, felt spiritually satisfied. Did not need more. 

The Deuce - Struggling to generate excitement and energy to watch two James Francos.

Fear the Walking Dead - I loyally watched the first two seasons, but it started to feel like a chore. Also AMC's bizarre lack of marketing for the first (and now second) half of the season makes me suspicious of quality. Love much of the cast (Kim, Frank, Coleman) and could be lured back...we'll see.

Outlander - Woefully far behind, although what i saw of the first season was A++++.

The Orville - Not sure why this show is an hour?

Star Trek: Discovery - I am not a Trekkie, but I was excited for this when my beloved Bryan Fuller was at the helm. Now every time I see the billboards I can't help but wonder what might have been....

Phew that was a lot, but I feel closer to you than ever now dear reader. Are you going to be watching any of this? Is there anything I missed? I know I am a bad and irresponsible television watcher for not trying harder on You're The Worst and Outlander, but no one is perfect and a person's flaws are supposed to endear you to them. If you would like to debate me, tell me which Kardashian is your favorite (mine is Kim), or if you know about a six episode British mini-series with a strong female lead and murder, you can hit me up on twitter @marthadee!

Ok goodbye new best friend, love you bai. 

XO MD